The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so The Summer of Vacation continues and Christmas in July is still going as Sean gets his Christmas spirit dampened as he takes a look at the most unnecessary sequel ever made called Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. We'll be expecting the young critic having a meltdown like Clark Griswold. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective owners. Christmas Vacation 2 is owned by Warner Bros. Television, National Lampoon Productions and Elliot Friedgen & Company.
The Summer of Vacation Part V: Christmas Vacation 2
We open on Sean's house in the middle of July as we see that it is fully decorated to the brim with Christmas decorations and his cat Riley, who's lying on her cat bed wearing a little Santa hat on her head. We then see Sean the Mayhem Critic, who's wearing A Christmas Story t-shirt and a "Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal!" baseball cap while holding a glass of egg nog in his hand. The young critic is filled with holiday cheer as The Christmas Song begins to play. Nothing can possibly ruin his Christmas spirit.
"Chestnuts…oh, fuck this shit!" Sean exclaimed after he stops singing and throws his glass of egg nog down on the floor.
Today was going to be a bad day for the Mayhem Critic.
Sean is then seen sitting on his red couch in the living room instead of sitting in his office like usual, this time he was changing the setting of his reviews, as he prepares to talk about today's film. With a disgruntled look on his face, he wasn't looking forward to review this movie.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic…you know what I do. And seeing though as we're continuing…." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and walks over to the window before speaking in a deep voice. "THE SUMMER OF VACATION!"
"Shut up, you asshole!" A disgruntled neighbor yelled out as he throws his blue raspberry sno-cone at Sean, but instead it misses the young critic and hits his house.
"Boy, what is going on with this year? We had an iconic summit meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong Un, the Grim Reaper hit Hollywood by taking the lives of Anthony Bourdain, Jackson Odell, Margot Kidder, Jerry Van Dyke, David Ogden Stiers, Harry Anderson, Steven Bochco, Chuck McCann, Milos Foreman, R. Lee Ermey, Pamela Gidley and John Mahoney. And to top it all off, there's a volcano in Hawaii and then there's idiot Trump's immigration policy. Ugh!" Sean sighed in disgust. "But you want to know what I did? I managed to ruin my favorite holiday."
(Posters of classic Christmas movies and their sequels are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I have seen some bad sequels to good Christmas movies in my time. I haven't seen Jingle All the Way 2 and I steered clear from it. And I should've learned my lesson with A Christmas Story 2. And I'm perfectly glad that nobody made a sequel to Mixed Nuts, this classic guilty pleasure of mine does not deserve a shitty sequel.
"So, yeah. I'm not looking forward to today's review. It's something that I've seen and I've stayed away from it. Plus, I knew about this movie and I knew that the time will come for me to talk about it. Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. Oh, yeah. It actually exists." Sean said.
(Footage from Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) God, I can't believe that they made this pile of shit. Christmas Vacation 2 is a spin-off and the unnecessary sequel to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. An unnecessary sequel that we've never asked for. The movie was a made-for-television comedy film that aired on NBC on December 20, 2003 and I was only 11 years old at the time. And I don't blame you if you haven't seen or heard of this movie, it was only aired one time on NBC and was shat out on DVD. This is the film that drained my Christmas in July spirit and I fear that I won't be festively jolly ever again!
"Christ, these reviews are hazardous to my health. I'm lucky that I didn't get a heart attack from reviewing bad movies or checking myself into the nuthouse. Originally, the film was titled Swiss Family Griswold starring Clark and his family with them stuck on an island. Hell, you can't even put Chevy Chase in that movie." Sean said as posters of Caddyshack II, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, The Chevy Chase Show, Cops and Robbersons, Nothing But Trouble, Modern Problems, Oh, Heavenly Dog, Snow Day and Karate Dog are shown. "So, I guess Caddyshack II, Nothing But Trouble, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, The Chevy Chase Show, Cops and Robbersons, Modern Problems, Oh Heavenly Dog, Snow Day and Karate Dog were good enough for Chevy Chase but not this one. Goddamn!"
(A photo of Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, they got Randy Quaid since he needed the money and just like that it became a Cousin Eddie movie and they made it a sequel to Christmas Vacation!
(Footage from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation was one of the best Christmas comedies ever. With a great talented cast, gut-busting comedy and John Hughes' writing. It was a classic modern Christmas tale.
"I want you to take a moment to look back at that memorable movie and hold it near and dear to your heartstrings because it's all going downhill from here. Santa is going to see this jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse when he squeezes his fat, white ass down that chimney tonight. Well, get ready because the shitter is definitely full!" Sean yelled out in rage. "Let's get this fucking review started."
Sean: (Narrating) So, our tale opens with a generic-ass opening. If you're expecting Mavis Staples singing and Bill Kroyer's animated opening with John Hughes' writing. Then no, we get shots of houses and a default font for the opening credits with the color yellow. Yeah, 'cause when I think of Christmas, I think of yellow as in a sno-cone made from piss. We then see a boy and girl walking home from school and we're introduced to Eddie and Catherine's never-before-mentioned son Third, who's played by Jake Thomas from Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire.
Paige (Played by Kate Bradley): And how come they call you Third?
Third Johnson (Played by Jake Thomas): I was named after my mom's cousin's husband, Clark Griswold II. I'm the third Clark Griswold. Clark Griswold Johnson.
"Okay. Thank you for that little background on your life." Sean said.
Paige: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Third Johnson: Yes. They're with my grandma in Kansas.
"We got it, kid. We know about your brothers and sisters. May I continue?" Sean asked.
Third Johnson: Except for my uncle's sister.
Sean: (V/O) Shut up.
Third Johnson: …She works at a strip club in Las Vegas.
Paige: Where do you live?
Third Johnson: Well, my mom and dad and I are staying with my cousin Audrey Griswold. She's visiting her boyfriend in Indianapolis.
"SHUT UP! Oh, my God! Do I need to hear a fucking backstory on the Griswold family tree?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And before I forget, Third is the intelligent son in the family. We then see Cousin Eddie, once again played by your favorite whacko Randy Quaid. Cousin Eddie is working at a nuclear facility and he's working as a test subject alongside a monkey, under the watch of his boss Professor Doornitz, played by Fred Willard.
"Let me guess, is Eddie going to be friends with the monkey and share a beer with it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, they start playing tic tac toe and the monkey beats him because well, Eddie's a dumbass.
Lab Visitor (Played by Rodger Bumpass): How is this possible?
Professor Doornitz (Played by Fred Willard): Because the monkey is smarter.
(The movie's title is shown)
"That was dumb. And what the hell is up with that title screen? It's like it was done on Windows Movie Maker!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) After that terrible excuse of a title screen, Professor Doornitz talks to Eddie to give him some bad news.
Professor Doornitz: One of you has to go.
Eddie Johnson (Played by Randy Quaid): Oh. Gee Roy, that's a tough break.
Professor Doornitz: It's not Roy we're letting go, Eddie. It's you.
Eddie Johnson: But why don't you fire him?
Professor Doornitz: His brain waves registered more distinctively than yours.
(He shows Eddie the results)
Eddie Johnson: Which one's mine?
Professor Doornitz: The one labeled Eddie.
Eddie Johnson: Oh.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. The man smart enough to orchestrate a kidnapping is now reduced to being an idiot. After Eddie lost his job, he goes home to sulk and break the news to…
(Sees that the movie was written by Matty Simmons)
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell?!
A shocked look appeared on Sean's face after finding out that Matty Simmons was the writer for this movie.
"Matty Simmons? Matty Simmons wrote the script for the movie. The same Matty Simmons who was the executive producer for the Vacation film series and Animal House. Excuse me." Sean said as he picks up a bottle of Strongbow hard cider. "I'm definitely gonna need alcohol to get through this review."
Sean: (Narrating) Where was I? Oh, yeah. After losing his job, Eddie talks to his wife Catherine, once again played by Miriam Flynn and he becomes worried what this job loss will mean for him and his family.
Catherine Johnson (Played by Miriam Flynn): At least we still got a roof over our heads, hon.
Eddie Johnson: Yeah, but for how long? I'm bettin' a year or two Audrey will get sick of us livin' here, feedin' us.
Sean: (Narrating) Learning how to grow that sweet homegrown. Then, Eddie has a bright idea and then we get this running joke throughout the film when the plumbing explodes while Eddie tries to take a bath.
"Deal with that unfunny joke, folks. Because this goes on for three minutes with the only joke being water everywhere." Sean said before slapping his head in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Eddie goes back to the nuclear facility to talk to his former boss about getting his job back because we couldn't get enough of Fred Willard and a monkey and we finally get the movie's plot started with one of the most stupidest plot devices I have ever seen in my entire life.
(Roy the chimpanzee bites Eddie on his butt as Eddie screams)
Hospital Doctor (Played by the late Stephen Furst): He'll be fine. You pumped so much atomic waste into him, the area where the chimp bit him healed almost immediately.
"What the? Stephen Furst? Damn it, I won't be able to live with the fact that he died and that he was in that movie. And yes, he played Flounder in National Lampoon's Animal House. Thank you movie for reminding me to watch a better movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Fearing that there will be a huge lawsuit against them and that Eddie not being bright, so what do they do…
Catherine Johnson: (Smiles) An all-expense paid Christmas vacation on an island in the South Pacific!
"Well, that's one way to shut Cousin Eddie up. Why couldn't Frank Shirley do that to him in the last film?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Catherine and Eddie are excited about the trip to the island on the South Pacific but Third is not to ecstatic.
Third Johnson: This is just another disaster. Like back home when you quit being a mail-order dentist after you stapled the mayor's mouth together.
Catherine Johnson: Third! Your father remembers that.
"Boy, this movie is getting stupid. Did I mention that Eddie's an idiot?" Sean asked.
(A teary-eyed Audrey enters the house)
Audrey Griswold (Played by Dana Barron): Catherine. Cousin Eddie. I'm gonna kill myself. (Cries) Merry Christmas.
Sean is drinking his bottle of hard cider and does a spit take. "WHAT THE HELL? Dana Barron? Was that Dana Barron returning as Audrey Griswold? No. No, no, no! Out of all the movies to break the tradition of recasting the Griswold children, why would you bring the original Audrey back? And to top it all off, they ruined her character. She's man-crazy and she wants the dick! What happened was Juliette Lewis not available? What about Marisol Nichols? Was she available? In fact, here's what happened when some guy went to Marisol's place to give her the script."
(A clip from the Riverdale season two episode Judgment Night is shown, showing Hermione gunning Papa Poutine's son Small Fry down multiple times)
"Yeah. That's how Marisol Nichols from Vegas Vacation reacted when she got the script." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Audrey breaks down in tears and thought about killing herself over some guy named Daniel because they both broke up. And here's the thing about Daniel.
Catherine Johnson: But Audrey, if you were so great together, why'd you break up?
Audrey Griswold: Oh. I found out he was married.
Eddie Johnson: That'll do it.
(A clip from Natural Born Killers is shown)
Mallory Knox (Played by Juliette Lewis): Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!
"Oh, Christ. I still haven't finished my one bottle. This movie is so dumb I can't even finish drinking my bottle of Strongbow." Sean said, taking another sip from his bottle.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Eddie and Catherine invite Audrey to join them on the trip to Maluka, then we see that Snots the dog is back and the producers couldn't afford to put fake snot on the dog and then we see that the plate in Eddie's head acts like a bug zapper. Christ, this fucking movie doesn't even care. And then we're introduced to another family member by the name of Uncle Nick. He's played by…what the hell? Ed Asner?
"Lou Grant? What's Lou Grant doing on this movie?" Sean asked as the word "Who" pops up on the screen in red and green Helvetica font. "Lou Grant. It's a character that Ed Asner played in The Mary Tyler Moore Show back in the series and then he had his own show which was a serious drama. Nobody ever heard of that? Fine, Ed Wuncler from The Boondocks."
(A clip from The Boondocks is shown)
Ed Wuncler (Voiced by Ed Asner) You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think that mental retardation is downright adorable.
Uncle Nick (Played by Ed Asner): Can I come in?
Eddie Johnson: Uncle Nick. This is a surprise. What are you doing here?
Uncle Nick: (With Ed Wuncler's lines dubbed in) If you don't get that bullshit out of my face bitch!
"Ed, don't worry you'll be in a better Christmas movie the same year after this piece of shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Nick came by to visit Eddie and Catherine because his wife ran off with the Christmas tree delivery man, who's 28 years old and that woman is 66.
Audrey Griswold: I didn't think grandmothers thought about sex and stuff like that.
Third Johnson: Apparently the thought entered her mind.
"I guess Aunt Jessica was inspired by A View to a Kill after seeing a 55-year-old Roger Moore shagging attractive young women who were in their 20s or 30s. Don't worry, we'll get to that movie someday." Sean said.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown)
Ed Glsser, Trivial Psychic (Played by Christopher Walken): I don't know.
"Oh, boy. Another weird casting choice." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Nick invites himself on this vacation which everyone accepts, and the next day we see that everyone is off to the airport for their Christmas vacation. Oh and the bathroom joke becomes a running gag.
(We see a jet stream of water shooting out of the windows of Audrey's house with the words "See? Water Funny!" flash in red on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) They show up at the airport and Snots starts passing gas to clear the long line of people. And notice that Audrey is not reacting to the dog farting despite being inches away from the dog's butt. Remember that from later. Eddie knocks some guy into the airport baggage scanner, where we get a cameo from Eric Idle, who played The Bike Rider in National Lampoon's European Vacation.
"Yes, Eric Idle. Maybe he'll do something hilarious in this film like European Vacation. Come on, Eric. Don't disappoint me." Sean said.
Eddie Johnson: I'm sorry, I didn't even see you.
English Victim (Played by Eric Idle): Oh, yeah, it's quite all right, you know, just few superficial breaks. This whole thing happens to me all the time.
Eddie Johnson: You're a foreigner, ain't you? What are you?
English Victim: I'm English.
Eddie Johnson: Oh. Well, you sure do talk pretty.
English Victim: Thanks very much. Well, we did sort of invent the language.
Eddie Johnson: No hard feelings?
English Victim: No feelings whatsoever.
"Oh, God! Eric Idle's not being funny in this movie. He's a Python, he's supposed to act like one! Hell, John Cleese was acting like a Python in The World is Not Enough and A Fish Called Wanda!" Sean exclaimed.
(The guard scans Eddie with his metal detector, the plate in Eddie's head acts like a magnet and has the scanner stuck to his head)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, it's a metal detector. Not a fucking magnet! Couldn't you idiots get that right?! They get on the plane and their flight takes off and…
(Audrey is crying while reading a book)
Catherine Johnson: Don't cry, Audrey, it's only a book.
Audrey Griswold: I'm not crying about the book, I'm crying about Daniel. Everything reminds me of him. These peanuts. He used to love peanuts.
"Okay, you know what, how much money do you need?" Sean asked as he pulls out his checkbook to write a check. "How much? You need it a lot more that I do. I'll make it out to Audrey Griswold for $50,000."
(Eddie tries to open the bag of peanuts, but has a hard time getting the package open and ends up kicking the passenger's seat in front of him, knocking the passenger off of his seat and into another. We then see that the passenger was revealed to be the English Victim)
"Oh, for the love of Brian Cohen and Biggus Dickus! European Vacation's running gag with Clark running into that guy was funny. But here, ugh! I just want to vomit like Mr. Creosote." Sean said. "And may God strike me down for it to be otherwise."
A bolt of lighting strikes Sean down and vaporizes him as the hand of God heads back into Heaven.
Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at Maluka, where they're greeted by their guide who has a name that Eddie continues to mispronounce throughout the whole film. You know, for shits and giggles. This is Muka Laka Miki and she's played by Sung Hi Lee, who's Korean.
Muka Laka Miki (Played by Sung Hi Lee): I'm Muka Laka Miki, Mr. Johnson. I work for the Atomic Testing Agency here on Maluka. You're our guests.
Eddie Johnson: Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.
Uncle Nick: Hi, there.
Muka Laka Miki: Hi.
Uncle Nick: Nick—Nick Jugson, at your service
(Uncle Nick starts kissing Muka Laka Miki)
Muka Laka Miki: I'll get you to your motel.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah I forgot to mention Uncle Nick's gimmick. He tends to be incredibly horny and wants to put that Viagra to the test and dear God, he trying to make a move on their guide. The next day, the family enjoys life on the island and having lunch. The lunch consists of their big Christmas dishes ribs and pineapple, oh and fired eel. Ewww. We're then introduced to another character named Melbourne Jack played by a British actor named Julian Stone and here's the joke for this character, he's Australian. And immediately, Audrey wants to ride Crocodile Dundee's big knife. Yes, I made a penis joke.
Audrey Griswold: Hi, I'm Audrey Griswold. We just arrived. Love the island, fabulous place. Are you married?
"Cause if you're not then I would totally want to swallow your load." Sean said, imitating Audrey Griswold. "Boy, Juliette Lewis' Audrey wasn't that desperate for the d."
Audrey Griswold: Would you like to take me on a tour?
Melbourne Jack (Played by Julian Stone): Sure.
"Oh, don't worry. The reason why she wants him to take him on a tour because she wants to fuck him. God! I hate what they did with her character. Dana Hill's Audrey wasn't that boy crazy." Sean said, drinking another bottle of hard cider.
Sean: (Narrating) The family heads out for their boat ride but when they get there they find out that the captain of the boat's wife is having a baby and he has to deliver it. Hell, I think he dropped out of the film because he knew it was horrible. So, they take his boat if they know how to run a boat.
Muka Laka Miki: Do you know how to run a boat?
Uncle Nick: I've got more salt under my armpits than you ever sailed on. Leave it to me. I was in the Navy.
"Uh, do you think that's a good idea for Uncle Nick to run a boat? Remember the TV miniseries Roots? He was the captain of a boat filled with black slaves and Geordi LaForge was one of them!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of Roots is shown with Ed Asner as Captain Davies and Levar Burton as Kunta Kinte.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie is letting us know that it's one hour later as Uncle Nick tries to figure out how to start the boat and the movie gives us this joke
(Uncle Nick finds the key)
Uncle Nick: Ah. The key. All right.
(Uncle Nick sticks the key in the ignition to start the boat up)
"Oh, you bellend." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, this movie tends to fuck up stuff, and speaking of fucking up here's a little gag where Eddie goes to untie the boat and gets left behind on the boat and take a look at the next shot, he's on the boat completely dry! What's the whole point?! Explain to me how the fuck did he get on the fucking boat?! Oh, and then we see Third is busy checking out Muka Laka Liki while she's in her bikini.
Sean (V/O as Third while he checking out Muka Laka Liki) Ohhhh, hellloooooooo nurse!
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Eddie going fishing and we see the second dumbest plot device ever where he catches a shark.
Eddie: (While catching the shark) I got a big fish!
(Eddie is holding on to the fishing rod while catching the shark)
Catherine Johnson: Careful, honey, you're all tangled.
"Let go of the rod. It's a shark." Sean said.
Eddie Johnson: Get a knife!
Third Johnson: I don't have a knife.
Catherine Johnson: I have scissors in my purse, Eddie!
Eddie Johnson: Get a knife!
"It's a shark. Just let go of the fishing rod." Sean said.
(Catherine reaches in her bag to find some scissors while Eddie is trying to catch the shark without letting go)
"Let go, you fucking moron." Sean said.
(Catherine grabs Eddie's leg while Muka Laka Liki grabs the other)
Muka Laka Liki: Hold on, Mr. Johnson!
Eddie Johnson: Call me Eddie!
"LET GO OF THE FUCKING SHARK! Goddamn it, how stupid are you? It's a fucking shark! Hell, Joe Versus the Volcano's fishing scene was hilarious than this stupid scene!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the line on the fishing rod breaks as Eddie cheers about almost catching the fish and the family celebrates for no reason and they crash onto some rocks.
Uncle Nick: Man the lifeboats!
Muka Laka Liki: There are no lifeboats.
(Uncle Nick lies down next to Muka Laka Liki)
Muka Laka Liki: Uncle Nick, will you please take your hand off of my breast.
(Uncle Nick looks down)
Uncle Nick: Oh.
"HA HA! HA HA HA! HA! HA! You so crazy, Uncle Nick! God, my only regret is that I should've reviewed Vegas Vacation." Sean said.
Eddie Johnson: Is everybody okay?
Audrey Griswold: I'm okay. But there's a horrible smell in here.
(Audrey moves the blanket off of Snots as the dog starts passing gas)
Audrey Griswold: Oh, God!
Sean: (Narrating) Remember the airport scene that I told you to remember? Oh, yeah. Audrey complains about the dog's smell here but in the airport scene she didn't even complain about the dog's smell and she didn't even react to it. The family walk on the island as the boat drifts away, leaving them stranded.
Uncle Nick: Did anyone anchor the boat?
(A clip from The Boondocks is shown)
Ed Wuncler (Voiced by Ed Asner): Now we can handle this like some gentlemen or we can get in to some old gangster shit.
Sean: (Narrating) While settling on the island, the family and Muka Laka Liki decide to camp out for the night and the next day Eddie attempts to start a fire by rubbing sticks together and when that fails, he uses matches to start the fire. Really, couldn't you just do that? Then we see Eddie and Third attempting to hunt for food, so they split up and Third comes across a nude Muka Laka Liki who's bathing and he gets pervy.
Third Johnson: Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my God!
(A clip from Norman Mailer's Tough Guys Don't Dance is shown)
Tim Madden (Played by Ryan O'Neal): Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God!
Third Johnson: Yes!
(Third turns and sees Uncle Nick, who was also spying on Muka Laka Liki)
"Ewww! So cringey!" Sean whined.
Sean: (Narrating) With Christmas only three days away, boy the producers and Matty Simmons forgot that this was a Christmas movie, so Muka Laka Liki suggest that they should have an island Christmas.
Muka Laka Liki: Let's think of something we can all give to each other.
Uncle Nick: How about a full body massage?
Sean starts dry heaving, Lloyd Christmas-style as his mind began to imagine Uncle Nick giving Muka Laka Liki a full body massage. "No! No! No! You are not putting your wrinkly, old hands on this beautiful woman's nubile, soft skin! It ain't happening!"
Sean: (Narrating) Eddie sets out to make the worst Far Cry sequel as he sets out to find some food until he comes across a wild boar.
(Eddie sees the wild boar that's getting ready to charge at him)
Eddie Johnson: Snots, kill. Kill!
(Snots runs away)
Sean: (V/O as Snots) Fuck that, ya crazy bastard! I'm not going after a boar. I'm outta this movie. Give me my paycheck!
Sean: (Narrating) The boar chases Eddie and Eddie gets stuck in a tree with the boar cornering him and then he falls on it, killing it with an awkward zoom in and they have food. After that, Eddie and Third are working on the house and they have a little chat with each other.
Third Johnson: There's something I've got to tell you.
Eddie Johnson: It's your girlfriend. Is she pregnant?
Third Johnson: No!/It's just that I always thought that you were kind of sort of….
Eddie Johnson: Gay?
Third Johnson: No.
We then see an angry Sean, who's sitting on the couch with his arms crossed and staying silent.
Third Johnson: Mom took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned, worked three jobs. And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on the house and the repo people took the RV.
Eddie Johnson: (Cries) I loved that RV. That RV!
"We all loved that RV. It reminds us of a better movie, one that I wish…I wish… that this movie would quit reminding us of." Sean breaks down in tears and starts singing Mavis Staples' Christmas Vacation. "Hear that sleigh? Santa's on his way. Hip-hip hooray for Christmas Vacation!"
Sean: (Narrating) In case you haven't forgotten, Audrey's house is still gushing water and the plumber won't make it till after Christmas! You do know that this is a fucking Christmas movie?! Back on the island, the family exchange gifts around the house that Eddie built and we see Uncle Nick dressed as Santa Claus, I would rather watch Elf. The family sings Christmas carols and Eddie christens the new house that he built while Gospel music is playing in the background. Uh, the house is gonna fall.
Eddie Johnson: Anyway, Lord, be it ever so humble, there's no place like this here house.
Sean: (V/O) The house is gonna fall.
Eddie Johnson: Amen.
Sean: (V/O) It's gonna fall.
(Catherine swings the coconut to the house)
Sean: (V/O) The house is gonna fall!
(The coconut breaks after hitting the house)
"Huh? The house didn't fall. Wow, I'm impressed. Good job, movie. That's one point for you." Sean said.
(Uncle Nick closes the door behind him as the house falls apart)
"Worst. Joke. EVER!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Eddie has a Tarzan-style dream. Heck, the dream doesn't make any sense so fuck it. But hallelujah, it seems like the film is coming to an end when Eddie spots a plane and we see that the plane belonged to Melbourne Jack, the Australian guy. He arrives to rescue them and then he drops this little bombshell.
Melbourne Jack: Actually, I was flying over to check a hotel I own on the other side of the island when I saw Eddie out there on the cliff. Probably, nobody thought of looking here. Well, it's only 10 miles, you could have walked to my hotel.
"Right, there's a hotel on the other side of the is…excuse me? Ten miles? Ten miles? Ten fucking miles away?! Okay, look. What was the whole point of them being stranded on the island if a hotel is on the other side? That's the stupidest revelation I've ever heard in my life! I…I can't. I can't go on with this review. I quit. I got nothing else to say about it. I can't make a joke about it. Hell, RedLetterMedia couldn't do anything about this movie. I don't think the Nostalgia Critic could handle this movie. I quit. I'm done with it. Matter of fact, I'm done with The Summer of Vacation. I'm not reviewing Vegas Vacation and Vacation '15! I fucking quit!" Sean exclaimed as he gets up from off of the couch and prepares to leave the house to go out, then decides not to give up and finish the review. "No, no, no! I'm not gonna give up! The Summer of Vacation is still gonna continue, I have two Vacation films left to review and I will not let this piece of shit movie beat me. I'm doing this Thunder Gun Express-style. No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind. Let's do this thing!"
Sean: (Narrating) That's it, time to stop fooling around and finish up. Eddie and Jack move a rock and Eddie nearly kills Jack by accident. During the plane ride, Jack passes out due to his concussion and now it's up to Eddie to fly the plane. Audrey attempts to give Melbourne Jack the kiss of life. Third confesses his love to Muka Laka Liki but she turns him down and we then learn that Muka Laka Liki is married to Daniel, the guy that Audrey was in a relationship with. Eddie successfully lands the plane. Uncle Nick's wife Jessica, played by the late Beverly Garland, comes back and is literally told to go back in the kitchen. Don't care. We learn that Melbourne Jack is married with five kids, ugh you idiots ruined Audrey! Fred Willard returns and Eddie gets a new job as a pilot along with Roy the chimpanzee and the film ends with a Christmas song!
"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?" Sean asked as he calms down. "And that was National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. This film is pure garbage."
(Footage from Christmas Vacation 2 is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) God, this is the movie that literally ruined Christmas for me. But hey, at least you didn't watch it and suffer unlike me. And you want to know why this movie was horrible was because Matty Simmons, the producer of the previous Vacation movies, this was his first written Vacation movie and his last. I can see why. The humor is not funny, the jokes are not funny, the plot is dumb, Audrey was poorly written and ugh!
"Do me a favor and do what I do, go back to watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and stay as far away from Christmas Vacation 2. Just watch it to watch Cousin Eddie stealing the show. Randy Quaid should be ashamed of himself for doing this movie. As a matter of fact, if anyone's looking for any last minute Christmas in July gifts for me, I have one. I want you to fly down to Canada where him and his wife Evi are at and I want him brought here right now, with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, lowlife, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is!" Sean yelled. "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2 gets 1 coconut out of 5. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and only two Vacation films left. Thank God."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of the horrible National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. Boy, I had a difficult time getting through to review this movie because of how bad it is. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at Vegas Vacation. Will it be better than rest of the Vacation films? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, in September I will be reviewing one of the James Bond movies. Which one should I review? Should I review GoldenEye, A View to a Kill, Die Another Day or License to Kill? Let me know in the comments. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.