The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, ladies and gentlemen. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1995 film GoldenEye. Is it the best Bond movie ever? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax, grab yourself an ice-cold glass of Wild Cherry Pepsi and enjoy.
P.S.: As mentioned before, I do not own anything involved with this review. All material belong to their respective sources. GoldenEye is owned by United Artists and Eon Productions.
Episode Twenty-Seven
GoldenEye
We open with the traditional James Bond gun barrel sequence and we see Sean aka the Mayhem Critic wearing a tuxedo walking, turning and then firing his Beretta 92FS pistol directly at the camera, causing blood to run down the screen while John Barry's rendition of the James Bond theme is playing throughout the scene.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't you dare get any blood on the carpet." Sean warned.
The gun barrel dissolves to a white dot, which moves across the screen from side-to-side and settles in the corner until the white circular cutout expands to reveal the full view of the scene until we see Sean sitting in on the couch in his living room while wearing a tuxedo and drinking a medium dry martini with a lemon peel. Shaken, not stirred.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The name's Archer, Sean J. Archer. 00 Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about James Bond." Sean said.
(Clips from the James Bond movies play out)
Sean: (Narrating) Created in 1953 by British novelist Ian Fleming has dazzled movie goers in 1962 with Dr. No starring Sean Connery. James Bond is a suave, sophisticated British agent who's badass, kills you on the spot before you could even blink, witty and he's a bit of a fuckboy with the ladies. Who am I kidding? He's a huge fuckboy! This dude is Lucas Friar, Archie Andrews, Lucas Scott, John Tucker and Wilt Chamberlain combined!
(Photos of Peyton Meyer as Lucas Friar, KJ Apa as Archie Andrews, Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott, Jesse Metcalfe as John Tucker and basketball player Wilt Chamberlain pop up)
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, he's still fucking awesome. I love all of the James Bond movies. Well, there are some that I don't like and I don't want to spend this whole review talking about which ones are my favorites and which ones are my least favorite.
"But my first experience with James Bond was the video game GoldenEye 64 on the Nintendo 64." Sean said.
(Footage from GoldenEye 64 is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I don't think I've never told anyone this story before, I was around seven years old and I went to my local Blockbuster video store with my mom and I rented GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64. I'll never forget being in my room playing the game and falling in love with it and playing a multiplayer match with my mom. And in the 6th grade, my grandmother, God rest her soul, she went to GameStop at Brentwood Plaza and bought the game for me as an early Christmas present and I played the shit out of that game and I spent months and years playing that game and I still have it, along with GoldenEye Reloaded on the PS3, which I thought it was okay, but GoldenEye 64 is still the king.
"So, at the age of seven, I was in my room flipping through channel to channel. It was 1999, and it was before we had cable. And on NBC, they were showing the movie GoldenEye. And when I watched the actual movie, I can see the locations like the Dam level, the Facility level, the Runway level and the Cradle level where I knocked Sean Bean's ass off multiple times. And speaking of James Bond, let's talk about GoldenEye." Sean said.
(Footage from GoldenEye is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 17, 1995, GoldenEye marks the seventeenth film in the Bond film series and the return of James Bond. But before we talk about James Bond in the 90s, let's go back to 80s, shall we?
(Footage from A View to a Kill is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1985, the late Roger Moore ended his role as James Bond in a weird note with A View to a Kill and boy, did that movie suck. It was because Roger Moore was in his 50s or 60s playing Bond and he was getting old. I mean who wants to see James Bond making out with woman who are like in their 20s or 30s? Ewww. So, they needed a new Bond who's younger and their top contender for the role of Bond was this guy.
(A picture of Pierce Brosnan from Remington Steele and footage from Remington Steele is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yep. Pierce Brosnan who was starring in the TV show Remington Steele, in which he plays very James Bond-like character. The show got cancelled and Brosnan was available to get the job. Hell, he even did a James Bond-like spoof in a Diet Coke commercial.
(Pierce Brosnan's Diet Coke commercial is shown)
Pierce Brosnan: Diet Coke. Tastes great straight.
(A ninja fires a dart, hitting the Diet Coke can as the cola pours into two glasses filled with ice)
Pierce Brosnan: Or on the rock. And yet it's just one calorie. That's why Diet Coke is the perfect soft drink…
(Throws an ice cube down on the floor as the ninja tries to kill him but fails and flies out of the window)
Pierce Brosnan: For an imperfect world.
Singer: Just for the taste of it.
Singers: Diet Coke.
(Pierce looks at the camera after taking a sip and gives a wink and a smile)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Brosnan got the part and was going to star in the new James Bond movie, until the producers of Remington Steele renewed the show on the last day of Pierce's contract and Brosnan was out as Bond. And guess who became the new Bond.
(A photo of Timothy Dalton as James Bond is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Timothy Dalton, a Welsh actor who's more used to playing Shakespeare.
"And what do I have to say about Dalton? To be honest, I thought he was alright as James Bond." Sean said.
(Clips from The Living Daylights and License to Kill is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that half of the world loved Sean Connery as James Bond and the other half of the world loved Roger Moore as James Bond and pretty much everyone wanted Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. Timothy Dalton took Bond to a whole new level and fans seem to love this new approach of a gritty Bond and a few audience were not fans of a darker Bond and I loved this interpretation of Bond and License to Kill was my second favorite because it was dark, gritty and violent and was the first James Bond movie to be rated PG-13. We got a censored version and an uncut version that was released later in the Ultimate Edition of the James Bond DVDs. I consider this to be an overlooked gem and I will be doing a review of the movie in the future. After License to Kill was released in 1989, we were heading into the 90s and the Cold War was over, the Berlin Wall had fallen, Russia was considered no longer a threat and Batman, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Ghostbusters II were released. Filmmakers were originally going to release Timothy Dalton's third movie as James Bond in 1991, but due to financial troubles and lawsuits Dalton bowed out as Bond and it was unlikely for our favorite British agent to ever return until June of 1994, guess who stepped in?
(A clip from the GoldenEye trailer is shown)
James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): You were expecting someone else?
"Interesting challenge, how to make a post-Cold War Bond film?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we got out new James Bond. Brosnan was everybody's favorite choice and how do we do a post-Cold War Bond film in the 90s and the film was called GoldenEye, named after Ian Fleming's estate in Jamaica, where he wrote his Bond novels. We have the late Albert R. "Cubby" Broccoli, who was well in his 80s at the time, handing the mantle over to his daughter and stepson Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson to produce the movie and they're still producing Bond films to this day. And what post-Cold War Bond movie needs is a great storyline and a few good writers. The movie was written by the late Michael France, an American screenwriter who wrote the screenplay for the film Cliffhanger and three Marvel superhero films, Hulk in 2003, The Punisher in 2004 and Fanstastic Four in 2005. And doing the screenplay was American screenwriter and humorist Bruce Feirstein along with British writer and actor Jeffrey Caine. Feirstein is known for writing two more Bond films Tomorrow Never Dies and The World is Not Enough and Jeffrey Caine is known for writing the screenplay for The Constant Gardener. And with the previous five Bond films had all been directed by John Glen, the film was directed by New Zealand director Martin Campbell, who directed the 1988 Kevin Bacon/Gary Oldman courtroom thriller Criminal Law, the 1994 Ray Liotta movie No Escape,The Mask of Zorro in 1998 starring Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins and…
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of The Haunting is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And he also directed The Legend of Zorro and that stupid Green Lantern movie starring Ryan Reynolds and we do not want to talk about it.
"So, will James Bond work in this modern-day setting? Well, let's take a look at GoldenEye to find out." Sean said.
(The film starts and we get our new gun barrel sequence with our new Bond)
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with a snazzy-new CG gun barrel sequence and then the film immediately starts with a fantastic and thrilling opening, where we see Bond infiltrating a weapons facility at Arkhangelsk and Bond jumps off a dam in one of the most memorable and amazing stunts in the franchise. Oh, and before I forget, it's taking place in 1986. As Bond makes his way into the facility, we get some small glimpses of Bond's face before we are introduced to our new James Bond, played by Pierce Brosnan.
(The Russian soldier is sitting in a toilet stall, reading a newspaper, looks over and sees Bond hanging upside down)
James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): Beg your pardon, forgot to knock.
(Bond knocks out the Russian guard and climbs out of the stall)
"Well, that's one way to make an entrance. I mean, wouldn't it be awkward if Bond caught the guy masturbating to August Ames or Scarlett Sage? Oh, right. Internet porn wasn't invented yet and August Ames and Scarlett Sage weren't born yet and this is 1986." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond makes his way into the facility and meets up with fellow agent 006 Alec Trevelyan, played by Sean Bean.
Alec Trevelyan (Played by Sean Bean): James, for England.
James Bond: For England, Alec.
"Sean Bean in a James Bond movie? Nice. Also, how long until Sean Bean dies in this movie? I feel like it's going to be a really short role for him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Bond and Trevelyan are infiltrating the weapon's facility and while they're planting explosives on the gas tanks, they trigger the alarm and a bunch of Russian guards show up, as well as Colonel Arkady Ourumov, played by the late Gottfried John, who's German and the soundtrack kicks off.
(Eric Serra's music score plays throughout the scene while Trevelyan gets into a shootout with the Russian guards)
"Alright, now I know that a lot of people are going to hate me for this but I love Eric Serra's music score. A lot of people felt that the industrial synth of the music felt a bit out of place for a Bond film but the GoldenEye Overture breathes such energy to the movie." Sean said.
(Pictures of composer Eric Serra pop up and clips of the movies La Femme Nikita,The Professional and The Fifth Element are shown as well)
Sean: (Narrating) His music for the movie is pretty underrated. Eric Serra also composed music for a couple of films from Luc Besson like La Femme Nikita, The Fifth Element and my favorite movie The Professional. By the way, The Professional came out a year before GoldenEye was released and watching that movie and The Fifth Element, I am reminded of GoldenEye, as well as the video game on the Nintendo 64 when I listen to Grant Kirkhope's music score. Anyway, despite shooting some guards and Bond arming some bombs, Bond is soon cornered by Ourumov, who is holding Trevelyan at gunpoint, forcing Bond to surrender.
Colonel Arkady Ourumov (Played by the late Gottfried John): 5, 4, 3, 2…
Alec Trevelyan: For England, James!
(Ourumov shoots and kills Trevelyan)
"Every fucking time! See, this is why you should never put Sean Bean in a movie. He tends to die every time. He's been shot, stabbed, chased off a cliff by a herd of cows, buried alive, quartered by horses while suffering from the plague, beheaded, impaled on a boat anchor by Harrison Ford and blown up and shot with arrows by Uruk-hai. I guess you can add shot by a German who's playing a Russian to the list of The Many Deaths of Sean Bean." Sean said.
(The Russian solders shoot at Bond after he takes cover behind the gas tanks)
Colonel Arkady Ourumov: Hold your fire! You'll blow the gas tanks!
(A clip from The Hunt for Red October is shown)
Marko Ramius (Played by Sean Connery): Some thing in here don't react well to bullets.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Bond makes an amusing escape.
(Bond hides behind a metal cage filled with barrels and moves over to the conveyor belt while the Russian soldiers keep their guns trained on him)
Colonel Arkady Ourumov: You can't win.
(Bond presses a button, turning on the conveyor belt and jumps on the conveyor belt and starts firing his AKS-7U at the giant cage holding aluminum barrels, releasing the barrels as the fall on the Russian soldiers)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond makes his escape in a typical Bond fashion and…. okay, what's with the sudden location change? Bond goes from the dam to the top of a mountain. So, he bungee jumped from off of a dam, makes his way down into a facility, down into a toilet, down some stairs, meets up with 006 and they go down another hatch together, then up out of the hatch and down some more stairs and yet he ends up all the way on top of a mountain and it's snowing.
"Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that one." Sean said.
(A clip from License to Kill is shown)
Pam Bouvier (Played by Carey Lowell): Bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets into a shootout with some of the Russian soldier and runs out on the runway to chase a plane and onto a motorcycle to catch up with it while Ourumov orders his men to stop shooting.
Colonel Arkady Ourumov: Wait!
(Ourumov and his men stop chasing Bond and watch him go after the plane)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Ourumov) Hold your fire! There's no way we can possibly hit this British agent while he's on a motorcycle.
(Carson, as one of the Russian soldiers, fires his AK-47 at Bond)
Sean: (as Ourumov) Yuri! Yuri, I told you to hold your fire, you motherfucker!
(Sean shoots Carson with his pistol)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond catches up with the plane as it goes off the runway and we get a dated blue screen effect, then Bond enters the plane and tries to pull up before he pulls a Harrison Ford and Launchpad McQuack.
(Bond tries to pull the plane up while it's going down)
Sean: (V/O) Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up!
(The plane pulls up and Bond flies away as the weapons facility explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) After our thrilling and exciting opening sequence, we get our main title sequence brilliantly done by Daniel Kleinman and this is the first Bond movie that he's done since the late Maurice Binder has done the main titles for the past Bond movies. This is also the final movie for special effects designer Derek Meddings, in which the film was dedicated to. We also get our new title song sung by Tina Turner.
(Tina Turner's GoldenEye starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, this is my favorite opening title in the Bond film series. Maurice Binder's classic opening titles of the past with the silhouetted dancing hot chicks, the bright colors and the excitement of catching a glimpse of a nipple in a PG-Bond movie but I really love Daniel Kleinman's work on the modern-day openings and this was his best work. We see that the end of the Cold War is symbolically portrayed and we still get the dancing hot chicks. One of the title sequences and songs of all time along with The Living Daylights, Casino Royale, The Living Daylights, The Spy Who Loved Me, License to Kill, For Your Eyes Only and Skyfall. After the main titles are over, we jump ahead to nine years later, meaning that it's 1995 and we see Bond driving the classic Aston Martin DB5 for the first time since Thunderball. Taking place after the events of License to Kill, Bond is being evaluated by an MI6 psychological and psychiatric evaluator named Caroline, played by Serena Gordon.
Caroline (Played by Serena Gordon): James, is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?
James Bond: More often than you think.
Sean: (Narrating) And while he's being evaluated, Bond comes across a saucy little vixen in a red Ferrari, played by Famke Janssen aka Jean Grey from the X-Men movies before she passed the torch down to Sophie Turner from Game of Thrones.
Caroline: (After Bond sees the woman in the red Ferrari) Who's that?
James Bond: The next girl.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the two get into a race with each other and I like this scene but my only problem is the music. I mean, seriously. I know that I like Eric Serra's music score for this movie but this seems a little out of place for a Bond movie. It doesn't fit the scene at all, it seems more suitable for Mario Kart 64.
(Footage from Mario Kart 64 is shown with the stage Rainbow Road while Eric Serra's score replacing the Rainbow Road theme)
"In fact, let me change the music for this scene." Sean said as he picks up the remote to change the music.
(Lindsey Buckingham's Holiday Road starts playing throughout the scene, replacing Eric Serra's music score)
Bill Tanner (Played by Michael Kitchen): What the bloody hell was that?
Sean: (Narrating) By the way, that's director Martin Campbell making a cameo as one of the bicyclist in the scene. Caroline orders Bond to stop the car, in which he does and he ends up seducing her to get a good evaluation.
Caroline: James, you're incorrigible. What am I going to do with you?
James Bond: Well, let's toast to your evaluation, shall we?
(Bond kisses Caroline and we then cut to a romantic scene overlooking Monte Carlo)
James Bond: A very thorough evaluation.
(Caroline laughs)
"Well, that's one way to get a good evaluation by sleeping with a woman who's evaluating you. If that happened today, then that would be called sexual harassment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Bond heads to a casino, where he bumps into the woman in the red Ferrari and they play a little game of baccarat. And he beats her and we get some amusing dialogue from the two.
Xenia Onatopp (Played by Famke Janssen): I hope the third is where your real talent lies.
James Bond: One rises to meet a challenge.
Xenia Onatopp: Enjoy it while it lasts.
James Bond: The very words I live by.
Sean: (Narrating) And then Bond gives his big introduction to the woman and we get her name.
James Bond: The name is Bond. James Bond.
Xenia Onatopp: Xenia Zaragevna Onatopp.
James Bond: Onatopp?
Xenia Onatopp: Onatopp.
"Onatopp?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow. "I guess she likes being Onatopp of things."
A comedic rimshot and laughter is not heard but instead we hear the sound of a cricket chirping.
"Get it? Her last name is Onatopp and she likes to be Onatopp of things. Yeah, eat my shorts." Sean said, rolling his eyes in frustration.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, did I mention that Famke Janssen is Dutch? A Dutch model and actress playing a Georgian in a Bond movie. And I just like to say something about Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, she's one of my favorite femme fatales in a Bond movie, along with Barbara Carrera as Fatima Blush in Never Say Never Again. As much as I like her as Jean Grey in the X-Men movies, I love her character she's sexy and she's lethal and you can see why in a couple of minutes. Anyway, Bond has a hunch and he starts shadowing her as he spots her with a Canadian Naval Officer. We learn that Ms. Onatopp was an Ex-Soviet fighter pilot and that she works for a criminal organization known as the Janus crime syndicate and boy do we get to know a lot more about her.
(We see that Xenia is about to have sex with the Canadian Naval Officer named Admiral Chuck Farrell, played by the late Billy J. Mitchell)
"Oh, snap. Seems Xenia is a real freak in the sheets. Boy, that's one woman that I should have a threesome with both her and Taylor. That would be one wild and hot threesome." Sean smiled.
(Xenia rolls over, this time with Admiral Farrell on top of her. She wraps her legs around the admiral and crushes him to death with her thighs)
"Oh, shit!" Sean exclaimed.
Admiral Chuck Farrell (Played by the late Billy J. Mitchell): Xenia, I can't breathe!
"Okay. I change my mind about that threesome. Um, I'd rather have a threesome with Taylor and her friend Dayton. At least they won't kill me with their legs." Sean said.
"I know Cheryl and her friends, Veronica and Betty wouldn't try that on me." Brian said.
(Clips from Goldfinger and The Spy Who Loved Me are shown before going back to clips of GoldenEye)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Oddjob from Goldfinger had his hat. Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me has his metal teeth. Now, Xenia has her thighs to kill you. Out of all the ways to getting killed by a Bond villain, I would rather pick the Onatopp death because I want to die knowing that I had a good time with that chick.
James Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.
Sean: (Narrating) Xenia kills the admiral with her thighs and we see that he has his credential stolen by Ourumov. The next day, Bond snoops around the Manticore and dispatches a goon in the most badass way.
(Bond takes out the goon by hitting him in the face with a towel and throws him down the stairs. Then, Bond uses the towel to wipe the sweat off of his face. The 007 Bond move theme from 007: Agent Under Fire plays and the 007 symbol is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond finds Admiral Farrell's corpse and heads down to the French Navy destroyer, where Ourumov and Xenia are planning to steal the Tiger helicopter. An apache helicopter that can withstand the blast of an electromagnetic radiation. Then, Xenia kills two helicopter pilots in a not so subtle way.
Xenia Onatopp: I have a small surprise from your friends back at the barracks.
Capt. Bernard Jauber – Tiger Helicopter Pilot (Played by Wayne Michaels): I think I've gone to heaven.
Xenia Onatopp: Not yet.
(Xenia shoots and kills two of the Tiger Helicopter pilots with a nickel-finish Astra Cub pistol fitted with a suppressor)
"Great, I can clearly hear the loud gunshot, even though she has a suppressor fitted on the pistol. Suppressed weapons aren't supposed to make loud noises. Did sound editor Jim Shields make a goof-up on that scene?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov and Xenia manage to succeed with their plan as they steal the helicopter and Bond tries to stop them but fails when he is stopped and unable to prevent it. We then cut to a space weapons control center in Severnaya, Russia, where we are introduced to our Bond girl and possibly one of my favorites in the series, Natalya Simonova played by Polish actress, singer and model Izabella Scorupco, who you might recognize her as Sarah in Exorcist: The Beginning and also the geeky computer hacker Boris Grishenko, played hilariously by Scottish-American actor Alan Cumming, who you might recognize him as Fegan Floop in the Spy Kids trilogy, Nightcrawler in X2: X-Men United and as Peter Florrick's campaign strategist and crisis manager Eli Gold in the CBS drama The Good Wife. We see that Boris always plays these little word games that has to do with these passwords and it becomes a part of the story.
Boris Grishenko (Played by Alan Cumming): They are right in front of you and can open very large doors.
(Natalya types in the password. The password is revealed to be "Knockers")
Natalya Simonova (Played by Izabella Scorupco): You're such a geek!
Sean: (Narrating) And he has this little catchphrase that he always says.
Boris Grishenko: I am invincible!
"Sounds like me every time I finish binging on all seven seasons of Pretty Little Liars and two seasons of Riverdale on Netflix or when I have a good night with Taylor." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean and Taylor are laying in bed after having sex and the two are catching their breath)
Taylor: Wo…wow… Sean. That was amazing.
Sean: Yes, I am invincible!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Xenia and Ourumov, who's now a general, arrive at the bunker with their stolen Tiger helicopter and they're revealed to be working for the Janus crime syndicate. General Ourumov is about to test the GoldenEye satellite until…
(Xenia starts massacring the staff with an AKS-74U)
"JESUS!" Sean yelled out.
(Xenia continues to kill everybody, then gets aroused during the process)
(A clip from When Harry Met Sally… is shown)
Older Woman Customer (Played by the late Estelle Reiner): I'll have what she's having.
"A bit over the top, don't you think lady?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) General Ourumov and Xenia steal the control disk for a space weapon called GoldenEye, a Soviet electromagnetic pulse weapon from the Cold War. The pair set the target location on Severnaya and escape in their EMP-withstanding helicopter. As for Natalya, well luckily she has her caffeine fix and witnessed the massacre and hid from Xenia and Ourumov. Meanwhile, back in London and in the real-life MI6 Headquarters at Foxhole Cross, where we're introduced to our new Moneypenny, played by Samantha Bond. And we see that this Moneypenny is a woman of the 90s.
Moneypenny (Played by Samantha Bond): As far as I can remember, James, you've never had me.
James Bond: Hope springs eternal.
Moneypenny: You know, this sort of behavior could qualify as sexual harassment.
"Finally! Thank God, someone finally pointed it out! It took 17 movies for one woman to speak up. And what's going on in the world today with people like Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Chris Savino and John Lassetter. Thank you, Moneypenny. Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We are then introduced to our new Bill Tanner, played by Michael Kitchen and our new M played brilliantly by Judi Dench.
Bill Tanner (Played by Michael Kitchen): Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the evil Queen of Numbers won't let you play it.
(Bond clears his throat and Tanner turns around and sees M standing behind him and Bond)
M (Played by Judi Dench): You were saying?
Bill Tanner: No, no. I was just…uh…just…uh…
M: Good. Because if I want sarcasm, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much.
"Ooh, Tanner! Need some aloe vera for that burn? And fun fact: there was a female MI6 Director, who I think this new M is based off of." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond, M and Tanner watch as the satellite goes off in Severnaya as the base gets hit by an electromagnetic pulse in an awesome scene with great explosions and visual effects and it becomes a bad day at the office for Natalya. We then get an emotional scene in which Natalya mourns the death of her co-workers until the satellite comes crashing down and Natalya climbs out of the bunker and walks out in the cold while looking for a missing Boris. We then get a brilliant scene in which M gives Bond his assignment.
M: You don't like me, Bond. You don't like my methods. You think I am an accountant. A bean counter, more interested in numbers than my instincts.
James Bond: The thought had occurred to me.
M: Good. Because I think you are a sexist, misogynist dinosaur.
Sean starts applauding slowly until his applause increases.
"Way to go, Dame Judi. Way to tell that sexist pig!" Sean exclaimed.
M: I want you to find GoldenEye. Find who took it, what they plan to do with it, and stop it. And if you should come across Ourumov, guilty or not I don't want you running off on some kind of vendetta. Avenging Alec Trevelyan will not bring him back.
James Bond: You didn't get him killed.
M: Neither did you. Don't make it personal.
"Easy for you to say. Look what happened to the last guy that pissed Bond off, and his ass got caught on fire and burned to death before exploding." Sean said as he makes a reference to Franz Sanchez' death in License to Kill.
Sean: (Narrating) M tells Bond to be careful and before he could go to Russia, it's time for Bond to visit good ol' Q Branch for some of his new gadgets for the mission. And returning to play Q is the late Desmond Llewellyn.
James Bond: Morning, Q. Sorry about the leg. Skiiing?
(Q fires a rocket from out of the cast leg)
Q (Played by Desmond Llewellyn): Hunting.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Bond gets some interesting gadgets for the mission: a typical leather belt with a 75-foot rappelling cord built into the buckle, a grenade pen for when clicking it three times, arming a four second fuse and another three clicks disarms it and Bond gets a new gadget-laden car for the 90s.
Q: (On the BMW Z3) BMW. Agile. Five forward gears, all-points radar. Self-destruct system and naturally all the usual refinements. Now, this I'm particularly proud of. Behind the headlights, Stinger missiles.
James Bond: Excellent. Just the thing for unwinding after a rough day at the office.
Q: Need I remind you, 007, that you have a license to kill, not to break the traffic laws.
"Stinger missiles? Man, I would love that car. I wouldn't mind using Stinger missiles on those idiots Justin Bieber and Logan Paul. Those are two people that I would want to take out." Sean said.
Q: Do please try and return some of this equipment in pristine order. (Snatches his sandwich out of Bond's hand) Don't touch that! It's my lunch.
"Boy, I guess that new spicy brown mustard is very deadly." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) (In a Russian accent) Meanwhile, in St. Petersburg, Russia. (In a normal voice) We see that General Ourumov is having a meeting with Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin, played by Tcheky Karyo a Turkish-born French actor and we get a little cameo from producer Michael G. Wilson in an uncredited role as a Russian Security Council Member. Ourumov tells Defense Minister Mishkin about the incident in Severnaya involving the GoldenEye satellite and we see that this guy is a bit like the mad General Orlov from Octopussy.
General Arkady Ourumov: As head of Space Division, I personally undertook the investigation. I have concluded this crime was committed by Siberian separatists seeking to create political unrest.
"Oh sure, blame your own people, Arkady." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when General Ourumov is about to hand in his resignation, Defense Minister Mishkin breaks the news to Ourumov that there are two survivors in Severnaya: Boris Grishenko and Natalya Simonova. So much for his plan to backfire. Meanwhile, Bond arrives in St. Petersburg, not Florida and he meets up with a CIA contact named Jack Wade, played by Joe Don Baker from Congo.
(A clip from Congo plays)
R.B. Travis (Played by Joe Don Baker): GODDAMNIT!
"Fun fact: you might recognize him as American arms dealer Brad Whittaker in the 15th Bond movie The Living Daylights. And to be honest with you, his role as Jack Wade in GoldenEye is much better suited than his role as a Bond villain in The Living Daylights.
James Bond: In London, April's a spring month.
Jack Wade (Played by Joe Don Baker): Oh, yeah? Well, what are you the weatherman? And for crying out loud another stiff-ass Brit. Your secret codes and your passwords. One of these days you guys are gonna learn just to drop it.
"Not every CIA agent thinks of Brits that way." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Another thing about Joe Don Baker's character is that he likes to call Bond "Jimbo".
(A montage of Wade calling Bond "Jimbo" is shown)
"Oh, brother." Brian said.
"Here's another fun fact: originally, they were going to have Felix Leiter, Bond's CIA buddy from Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, Never Say Never Again, The Living Daylights and License to Kill to return and they were going to give him a wooden leg like in the novels after he got his leg bit off by a shark in License to Kill. But instead, they went with Jack Wade." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Natalya contacts Boris and soon meets up with him at a church…
"Wait, Alan Cumming, in a church, with an accent… showing up out of nowhere and this ISN'T an X-Men movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. At least Nightcrawler and Jean Grey are in the same scene together because it's revealed that Boris is in cahoots with the Janus crime syndicate. Meanwhile, Bond meets with a former KGB agent turned Russian mafia head named Valentin Zukovsky, played by Robbie Coltrane from the Harry Potter films. We see that him and Bond have a history together, a conflict with Bond ended with Valentin shot in the leg by the British agent and Bond stealing his car and "his girl".
"Boy, this guy holds a grudge against Bond like that Joe Kapp holding a grudge against Angelo Mosca." Sean said, then makes a face while hearing a woman singing badly. "Why the fuck does it sound like someone is strangling a cat?"
(Zukovsky pulls out a Czech CZ 52 pistol from beneath his jacket and fires a round)
"Shit!" Sean ducks down after Valentin fires his pistol.
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who are fans of the ABC show Speechless, that's Minnie Driver as Valentin's mistress Irina.
Valentin Zukovsky (Played by Robbie Coltrane): So, Mr. Bond. What is it that brings you to my neighborhood, hmm? Still working for MI6 or have you decided to join the 21s century? (Chuckles) I hear that the new M is a lady.
James Bond: I want you to do me a favor.
(Zukovsky and his bodyguards laugh)
Valentin Zukovsky: (Laughs) He wants me to do him a favor? My knee aches, every single day, twice as bad when it is cold. Do you have any idea how long weather last in this country? Tell him, Dimitri.
(Dimitri tries to say a word)
Valentin Zukovsky: Silence!
"You're a wizard, Bond." Sean said, impersonating Hagrid.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond tells Zukovsky to arrange a meeting with Janus. Then later, while Bond is relaxing in the pool at the Grand Hotel Europe, until he's surprised by Xenia in the steam room.
Xenia Onatopp: You think you can hurt me?
(Bond gets up off of Xenia until the deadly Georgian beauty throws him down on a bench, then straddles his lap and attempts to kill him with her thighs)
"The thigh squeeze is horrifying, but Famke Janssen is smoking hot. My boner is confused." Sean said.
Xenia Onatopp: You think you can break me?
Sean: (V/O in a Russian accent) In Russia, woman breaks man. (Narrates in a normal accent) Xenia attempts to kill Bond but then the British secret agent overpowers her and says this line which is one of my favorite lines in the movie.
James Bond: (Picks up his Walther PPK and points it at Xenia) No, no, no! No more foreplay.
Sean: (Narrating) Pure Bond. After that fight scene, Xenia takes Bond to Janus and I like the setting of the scene where Bond is walking through Statue Park, where we see a bunch of relics from the Cold War. Okay, if there's a bunch of Russian infantry running towards him with KF7 Soviets, then he should start shooting. And then, we are introduced to the main villain Janus in the form of…
(The "Dun Dun Dun" sound effect is heard)
James Bond: Alec?
Alec Trevelyan: Back from the dead.
Sean: (Narrating) That's right. Alec Trevelyan from the beginning of the movie. Turns out he faked his death and we see that his face is badly scarred by the explosion. We learn a little something about Trevelyan, his parents were Lienz Cossacks and they were betrayed by the British government and I love this scene where Trevelyan talks about his tragic backstory and he mentions Bond's parents dying in a climbing accident. A first for the series referencing Bond's past.
"Let's not mention that him and Ernst Stavro Blofeld are stepbrothers. Oh, wait. This is before the Daniel Craig era." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: why did Alec fake his death in the pre-title sequence? Did he and Ourumov meet up at a bar to set up plans to make Bond believe that he was dead and steal the GoldenEye weapon?
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (as Trevelyan) So, here's the plan. Bond won't know what will hit him. I'm gonna make him think that you killed me. I'll be in the shadows for nine years as Janus, then you and Xenia steal the GoldenEye satellite and you'll use it to destroy Severnaya.
Brian: (as Ourumov) But what about Bond?
Sean: Oh, this'll be the best prank ever since "It's a prank, bro!". Oh, and some of your men will be killed in the process by me and Bond will end up blowing up your facility. But when you shoot me, the bullets are blanks. Except for one bullet which will end up killing one of your men.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Well, Alec is Bond's Kim Philby." Brian said, sipping his wine.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart before he could shoot Trevelyan, then he wakes up tied in the helicopter with Natalya.
Natalya Simonova: (Screams) Wake up! Mister!
(Natalya screams as Bond wakes up)
Natalya Simonova: (Screams) Wake up, please! Wake up!
"God! And I thought Stacy Sutton's screams in A View to a Kill were annoying." Sean said, covering his ears and groans.
Sean: (Narrating) The Tiger helicopter self-destructs but Bond and Natalya escape until they end up captured and transported to the Russian military archives, where they're being interrogated by Defense Minister Mishkin.
Dimitri Mishkin (Played by Tcheky Karyo): Where is the GoldenEye?
James Bond: I assume you don't have it.
Dimitri Mishkin: I have an English spy, a Severnaya programmer and a helicopter that's stolen…
James Bond: That's what some traitor in your government wanted….
Dimitri Mishkin: Who is behind your attack on Severnaya?
James Bond: Who had the authorization codes?
Dimitri Mishkin: Russia may have chance, but the penalty for terrorism is still death, Mr. Bond!
James Bond: And what's the penalty for treason?
Natalya Simonova: Oh, stop it, both of you! Stop it. You're like boys with toys.
Sean chuckles a bit from Natalya's line. "Okay, that has got to be my favorite line ever throughout the entire film. This is why I love Natalya."
Sean: (Narrating) Natalya tells Defense Minister Mishkin that it was General Ourumov who set off the GoldenEye weapon in Severnaya and killed everyone and stole the GoldenEye. She then reveals that there's another GoldenEye satellite, until the paranoid version of General Orlov arrives.
General Arkady Ourumov: Defense Minister, I must protest! This is my investigation. You are out of order.
Dimitri Mishki: (Speaks in Russian) From what I'm hearing, it is you who is out of order.
(A clip from the 1979 film …And Justice for All is shown)
Arthur Kirkland (Played by Al Pacino): You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order!
Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov shoots and kills Mishkin and his guard with Bond's gun and he frames him for murder)
General Arkady Ourumov: Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin murdered by a British agent, James Bond.
"Dumbest. Criminal. Ever." Sean said. "Why bother telling him that plan? You know that he's going to escape, right?"
(Bond throws a chair at Ourumov's legs, kicks him in the face and punches him and slams him against the metal pipe)
"Told ya." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Natalya make their escape and Bond gets into a firefight with Ourumov's men in one of the best shootout scenes ever accompanied by Eric Serra's amazing music score. And then we partake in the best part of any Bond movie: when everyone in the entire world tries to hit this guy and not one freakin' bullet touches him.
(Ourumov and his men shoot at the floors above them while Bond and Natalya are running)
"STOP SHOOTING AT THE FLOOR, YOU MORONS!" Sean shouts at the camera.
(The shootout continues)
Sean: (Narrating) My God, it's one British guy and a Russian beauty while a bunch of idiotic Russians are wasting their bullets on the floor. How hard is it to hit one suave British agent? Except for when Moneypenny shot him in the pre-title sequence of Skyfall. But these guys are taking lessons from the Stormtroopers. Anyway, Natalya gets captured and Bond uses his rappelling belt to escape. Then, we get one of the most awesome, badass highlights of the movie ever to be witnessed as Ourumov kidnaps Natalya to take her to Trevelyan and Bond finds a more suitable vehicle for the chase.
(Bond chases Ourumov through the streets of St. Petersburg in a tank)
General Ourumov: (To the driver) Faster!
"Accompanied by a fully-orchestrated Bond theme not composed by Eric Serra, this was composed by John Altman, and his score was better suited for this scene. Originally, Serra's score was going to fit for this scene but it didn't work out. I wonder how the scene would play out with Eric Serra's score instead of John Altman's music score?" Sean asked.
(A Pleasant Drive in St. Petersburg by Eric Serra plays throughout the tank chase scene)
"Oh, my God. This is awesome! They could've kept that in the movie! Although, it should be in GoldenEye 64 but hey this is good. This tune is so fucking groovy for the 90s." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Again, we see some of the Russian soldiers in their stupidity when they start shooting at Bond while he's in the tank.
(The Russian soldiers start firing their weapons at the tank)
"Where's Frank Stallone when you need him?" Sean asked. "They're wasting their bullets on a tank. What more do you have to prove?"
Sean: (Narrating) So, after an exciting chase through the streets of St. Petersburg, and causing a lot of damage on the streets of St. Petersburg. Boy, Bond is going to do a lot of explaining to do, he follows Ourumov and Natalia to Trevelyan's train and pursues them. Then, we see Trevelyan trying to act like his former colleague when he tries to put the moves on Natalya.
Alec Trevelyan: (To Natalya): You know, James and I shared everything. Absolutely everything. To the victor go the spoils./(Kisses Natalya's neck) You'll like it where we're going./You may even learn to like me.
(A clip from the Family Guy season seven episode Family Gay is shown)
James Bond (Voiced by John Viener): (After killing Jaws) Now, time for some unfinished business.
Bond Girl (Voiced by Alexandra Breckenridge): No, James.
James Bond: Yes.
Bond Girl: No, James.
James Bond: Yes, you're going to have sex with me.
Bond Girl: No, James! I don't want to!
James Bond: Yes, you do.
Bond Girl: No, I don't.
James Bond: Yes, you do.
Bond Girl: No, I don't!
James Bond: Yes, you do!
Bond Girl: Okay, I do.
James Bond: See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes.
(Trevelyan kisses Natalya on the lips. Then, Natalya pushes Trevelyan away from her, slaps him in the face and curses at him in Russian)
(A clip from Friday After Next is shown)
Craig and Smokey (Played by Ice Cube and Chris Tucker): DAAAMN!
"Dude, only Bond can get away with something like that. I mean, come on. It's the 90s and women have become a bit stronger. Now, we have women like Fallon Carrington." Sean said.
(A clip from Dynasty, the 2017 reboot is shown, showing the character Fallon Carrington, played by Elizabeth Gilles, firing off a Beretta 92F pistol in the house)
"In fact, if Trevelyan made a move on Fallon Carrington, then he would've been dead." Sean said. "Don't mess with Fallon Carrington. She doesn't take shit from anybody."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond places his tank in front of the tunnel so he can derail the train and I just love that Xenia gets extremely turned on by the idea of Bond derailing them.
Alec Trevelyan: (To the train driver) Full speed!
(The train driver speaks in Russian)
Alec Trevelyan: Full speed! Ram him!
(The train driver puts the train to full speed)
"Okay, it's train versus tank. Who's gonna win?" Sean asked.
(Bond fires the cannon at the train, setting it on fire. Bond gets out of the tank as the train crashes into the tank)
"In Russia, tank breaks train." Sean said, in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) After derailing the train, Bond enters the train to confront Trevelyan.
Alec Trevelyan: Why can't you just be a good boy and die?
"That's the exact same question that I ask every time when I see you in a movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Although, I have to mention this one part on this scene that I tend to crack up on every time I watch this movie. Either that or I have a dirty mind.
Alec Trevelyan: Lovely girl. Tastes like strawberries.
James Bond: I wouldn't know.
Alec Trevelyan: I would.
(Xenia licks her finger and moans softly)
"I guess she wants to know what Natalya tastes like. And I know that some of you are planning on working on a Natalya/Xenia femslash one-shot right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov brings Natalya out and holds her at gunpoint and he gives Bond a choice, the girl or the mission. Well, it's obvious. He's going to pick the girl.
James Bond: Kill her. She means nothing to me.
"What the? Or Bond can be a total asshole. I don't blame him. I mean, Natalya tends to get annoying as hell in the video game and she ends up getting herself killed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond shoots and kills Ourumov and rescues Natalya as Trevelyan and Xenia gets away and locks Bond in the train with Natalya, setting it to self-destruct. Natalyan uses her computer skills to find out where the bad guys are hiding out by hacking Boris' password.
(Natalya tries to hack Boris' password. She types in the words "Butt", "Arse", "Buns" and "Rear" but they're rejected)
Natalya Simonova: What else do you call your bottom?
James Bond: What?
"It's chair." Sean said. "It's definitely chair. It's five characters. You sit on it but you can't take it with you. Chair. Chair."
Natalya Simonova: It's Boris' password. He plays word games. It's "What I sit on, but I don't take it with me."
James Bond: Chair.
Natalya Simonova: Like I said.
"That's I said, you dumb cow! God! Thank you, Bond. Thank you!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Natalya triangulates Boris' satellite dish to Cuba and Bond and Natalya escape in the nick of time in one of my favorite shots of the movie and in the game.
(Bond and Natalya run as the train explodes)
Natalya Simonova: Do you destroy every vehicle you get into?
James Bond: Standard operating procedures.
Natalya Simonova: So, tell me are there any other "standard operating procedures" I should be aware of, commander?
James Bond: Thousands. But I only pay them lip service.
(Bond and Natalya kiss)
"Well, at least Bond didn't get slapped in the face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Bond hooks up with Natalya, the two head down to Cuba in Bond's BMW Z3. Ah, the Z3. Looks like we have a vehicle chase coming up. It's about time for Bond to put those Stinger missiles to good use. Anyway, Jack Wade pops up and trades his plane for the Z3. Wait, what? What the hell are you doing?
"Stop, no! Come back! Come back here, you fact CIA asshole! No, we haven't even used the gadgets yet! No!" Sean cries. "Oh, great! Now I won't use the Stinger missiles on Justin Bieber and Logan Paul! We're stuck with these two assholes for life!"
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we have a little scene between Bond and Natalya where she talks to Bond about him going after Trevelyan. And we see that the script is attempting to be emotional of Bond going after his former friend.
Natalya Simonova: You think I'm impressed? All of you with your guns, your killing, your death, for what? So you can be a hero? All the heroes I know are dead.
James Bond: Natalya, listen to me.
Natalya Simonova: How can you act like this? How can you be so cold?
James Bond: It's what keeps me alive.
Natalya Simonova: No. It's what keeps you alone.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond kisses Natalya and the two of them make love and then he charms her in bed later. After that scene, Bond and Natalya are flying around looking for a supposed satellite dish but couldn't find anything until they're suddenly shot down and crash into the middle of the jungle. Xenia shows up for round three and attacks Bond.
Xenia Onatopp: This time, Mr. Bond. The pleasure will be all mine.
(Xenia licks the side of Bond's face and tries to kill him with her thighs)
"Couldn't you just shoot her?" Sean asked. "Worked in the game when you shot her in the face with an AR33 assault rifle."
(Bond hooks the rappelling rope on Xenia's belt and grabs her Norinco Type 56-1 and shoots at the helicopter)
"I didn't know that it was possible for a Norinco-Type 56-1 assault rifle to wall bang a helicopter. An AR33 and an RC-P90 are known for wall banging. Unless you have a specific type of rounds for your gun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond shoots down the helicopter and kills Xenia by crushing her to a tree before ending the scene with this classic Bond line.
James Bond: She always did enjoy a good squeeze.
"Bond puns. Am I right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Natalya find the huge satellite dish, which was revealed to be underwater. Fun fact: that's the Arecibo Observatory, the largest satellite dish in the world situated somewhere in Puerto Rico. Bond and Natalya infiltrate the control station and Bond gets captured after placing mines. After getting captured, the guards take Bond to Trevelyan and this guy knows Bond's every move and he easily disables Bond's booby trap with the 00-knowledge that he has himself, which means that Bond is screwed.
"Okay, so Trevelyan wants revenge on the British government because of how his parents died. What's his dastardly plan?" Sean asked as Trevelyan reveals his plan.
James Bond: You break into the Bank of England via computer then transfer the money electronically. Just seconds before you set off the GoldenEye, which erases any record of the transactions. Ingenious.
Alec Trevelyan: Thank you, James.
James Bond: But it still boils down to petty theft. In the end, you're just a bank robber. Nothing more than a common thief.
"So, Trevelyan's plan is to rob the Bank of England before erasing all of it's financial records with Misha, the second GoldenEye satellite, concealing the theft and destroying Britan's economy. Uh, watch Die Hard and Die Hard With a Vengeance much, Alec? I mean, it's great that he wants to attack London but having him digitally robbing a bank in the process? Just comes out of nowhere." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Trevelyan then proceeds to mess with Bond with various insults.
Alec Trevelyan: I might as well ask did the vodka martinis ever silence the screams of all the men you've killed? Or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women? For all the dead ones you failed to protect.
"Oh! Oh! You's a bitch, Alec! We never mention the incident ever again." Sean said, referring to the death of James Bond's wife Teresa in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. "They had all the time in the world."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Natalya programs the satellite to initiate atmospheric re-entry and destroy itself, which pisses off Boris, who's busy fiddling with Bond's pen grenade and accidentally sets off an explosion in the control room, allowing Bond and Natalya to escape to the antenna cradle and we throw in a line for the Nintendo 64 commercial. Let me see here…
(A commercial for the video game showing clips from the movie is shown, with the exact same clip with Bond saying the line "Do you know how to use one of these?")
Sean: (Narrating) Yup, good times and good memories. Trevelyan goes after Bond and the two of them go mano y mano with each other.
(The Cradle stage music plays throughout the showdown between Bond and Trevelyan. "3 minutes until antenna realigns!" is shown on the screen as Bond sabotages the antenna. "Control console destroyed! Antenna inoperative." is shown on the screen as well)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Trevelyan get into an amazing yet brutal fight on the top floors of the satellite dish and it ends with Bond and Trevelyan duking it out on the very tip of the satellite before Alec meets his ultimate demise.
Alec Trevelyan: For England, James?
James Bond: No… for me.
(Bond releases Trevelyan. Trevelyan plummets to his death into the dish)
"Alright. Now he's dead. There's no way that he could survive a fall like tha…" Sean said.
(We see that Alec is still alive, clinging to life)
"Son of a bitch! What does Sean Bean have nine lives now? Jesus, there no way of killing that guy." Sean said.
(Bond jumps on the helicopter that Natalya commandeered and flies away as the satellite explodes and crashes down on Trevelyan, killing him)
"Finally! Thank God. And stay dead!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Boris lives but not until he has an amusing yet hilarious death scene.
Boris Grishenko: YES! I AM INVINCIBLE!
(The liquid nitrogen tanks explode, causing it to spill onto Boris, freezing him)
Charlie Wilcox: (V/O) I was frozen today!
Sean: (Narrating) So, the day is saved as Bond and Natalya are dropped off at a field and they end up making out until Jack Wade and the Marines show up and fly them away to safety.
Jack Wade: Maybe you two would like to finish debriefing each other at Guantanamo.
James Bond: You ready?
Natalya Simonova: I'm not going on a helicopter with you.
James Bond: Hmm?
Natalya Simonova: (Laughs) No plane, no train. Nothing that moves.
James Bond: (Picks up Natalya) Darling, what could possibly go wrong?
Sean: (Narrating) And so the film ends with a song performed by composer Eric Serra called The Experience of Love, which was supposed to be used for the Luc Besson film The Professional. I usually sit through the end credits to listen to the song. I thought it was a great song. And we see that the film was dedicated to the memory of British special effects designer Derek Meddings, who passed away on September 10th, 1995. He was known for working on Thunderbirds back in the 1960s and a couple of James Bond films and the Superman movies and Tim Burton's Batman. Oh, and also The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter. Also, like every Bond film, it let's us know that James Bond will return.
"And that was GoldenEye. Pierce Brosnan's first outing as James Bond and it kicks ass!" Sean said.
(Clips from GoldenEye is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is my number one favorite Bond film. It's so damned good. Let's talk about Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, he's absolutely terrific and I loved the guy as Bond and in my honest opinion and I know that some would say that Connery is the best Bond or Moore is the best Bond or Daniel Craig is the best Bond, I think that Pierce Brosnan is the best Bond and he's my favorite. Hell, he's the only Bond I grew up watching before watching some of the Connery, Moore and Dalton eras. I really believed that he was Bond on-screen. As for the supporting cast, Izabella Scorupco as Natalya is my favorite Bond girl. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's awesome and I can go on forever. The brilliant Sean Bean as Alec Trevelyan is terrific and the sexy Famke Janssen as femme fatale Xenia Onatopp is amazing, Alan Cumming as Boris is hilarious and I loved Gottfried John as General Ourumov. The rest of the supporting cast of characters are amazing as well, Robbie Coltrane was pretty good as Valentin Zukovsky, Judi Dench makes the best M, Michael Kitchen makes a pretty good Bill Tanner and Samantha Bond as Moneypenny is my favorite Moneypenny in the series, Joe Don Baker is cast in a better role in this movie that I enjoy and Desmond Llewelyn is amazing as always as Q. The action scenes are shot perfectly, the sets are excellent, the special and visual effects are amazing, Eric Serra's music score is awesome. And Martin Campbell's directing was amazing. He'll go on to direct another Bond movie Casino Royale in 2006, which will be Daniel Craig's first outing as James Bond. That was pretty good and it was also my favorite. If you're new to James Bond, then check out this movie. I would say check out the past Bond films first but definitely watch this one first. Get it on DVD or watch it on either Starz, Encore, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime or Epix if they're showing it, you won't be disappointed. You'll fall in love with this movie. That's why I'm giving GoldenEye 5 Walther PPKs out of 5.
"Well, that is all for my review of my favorite Bond movie of all time. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before getting up from off of the couch and leaves the room as the James Bond theme plays.
The Mayhem Critic Will Return
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You're like boys with toys.
And that was the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed my review of GoldenEye and I know that it was a long one because I had a lot to talk about it and my love for the movie. And I hope that you got a good laugh from reading this. So, yeah. I had a lot of fond memories about GoldenEye. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean creates a new segment called Sean's Story Arc and he takes a look at the Superman: TAS/Batman: TAS three-part crossover episode World's Finest. After that Sean reviews Ghostbusters II, the sequel to the 1984 smash-hit Ghostbusters and asks the question "Is Ghostbusters II a better sequel or should it be hated?". Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any ideas for any movies for me to review or if you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.