The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic and it's a continuation of The Godfather Part III. Let's see if Sean the Mayhem Critic gets through this review as quick and humanly possible. So here it is, the continuation of The Godfather Part III review. Enjoy.
P.S.: I should've mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this review. All material belong to their respective sources. The Godfather Part III is owned by Paramount Pictures, Zoetrope Studios and Francis Ford Coppola.
Episode Twenty-Nine (Part 2)
The Godfather Part III
Sean is seen once again sitting on his couch in his living room, as he prepares to finish up the review after sipping on a bottle of Samuel Adams Boston lager. "Before we begin, let me just say that I have no affiliation with the Mafia. I am reviewing this movie for the same reasons Coppola made it. Because my fans demanded it and I need money. Also, if you haven't read part one of two of the review, then read that before moving on to part two. If you read part one, then here's a quick recap of what's happened so far."
(Clips from The Godfather Part III is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Michael going legit, Immobiliare, the Vatican, the Pope is dying, a Cuban playing an Italian, Sofia Coppola's bad acting makes me want to become an alcoholic, Fat Tony from The Simpsons plays the most pointless character ever, Michael's son quits law and wants to sing in opera, Spencer Blitz from American Housewife is in this movie and he works for the Mafia as a lawyer, incest in the morning (Gags). A complicated plot that's very confusing and Francis Ford Coppola made this movie because his fans demanded it and he made this for money because The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, Apocalypse Now and The Outsiders weren't good enough for him and I want to punch Coppola in the face for making this one. Screw you, Coppola! Let's begin. We continue this story in Sicily, where we see that Michael and his family are staying with Don Tommasino, played by the late Vittorio Duse. Originally, the character was portrayed by Corrado Gaipa, who died back in 1989. For those of you who don't remember who Don Tommasino is, he's an old friend of Vito Corleone's and he protected Michael after he murdered Sollozo and that corrupt cop McCluskey. By the way, it's 1980. I should've mentioned this to you. Anyway, Michael seeks the advice of Don Tommasino.
(Michael and Don Tommasino are speaking in Italian. No subtitles are shown on the screen)
"Oh, crap! I forgot to put up the subtitles for this movie. Let me just get the subtitles up on the screen for you all to understand what they're saying." Sean said as he picks up his DVD remote to turn on the subtitles.
Don Tommasino (Played by the late Vittorio Duse): (In Italian) What were you thinking, Al? Why would you star in this godforsaken sequel? Wasn't Sea of Love enough for you? That was an awesome movie.
"What the?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face. "I don't remember him saying that in the movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Michael then asks Don Tommasino who gave the order on the Atlantic City massacre and what do you know, he informs him that it was Lucchesi. Then, Michael asks Tommasino if there is somebody in the Church who they can turn to after figuring out all the shit that's been going on. And Don Tommasino recommends Cardinal Lamberto.
"That's just great. Another new character showing up damn too late in the film. Let me guess, he's going to be an important player in the film, right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Michael throws a party for his son Anthony to celebrate his operatic debut in Palermo at the Teatro Massimo and Anthony stars singing The Godfather Love Theme. Yeah, I would rather listen to Nino Rota's hauntingly beautiful score than listen to Anthony sing it. Then, we get a flashback to Michael reflecting on his marriage to his first wife Apollonia.
(Michael reflects on his first marriage to Apollonia)
We then see Sean wiping his tears away from seeing Apollonia. "Damn you, Michael's bodyguard. Why did you have to kill Apollonia? Damn you, Coppola. Damn you."
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing his son sing for him, Michael tells Mary and Anthony about his first wife and he tells Mary to end her relationship with Mary.
Mary Corleone: I really love him.
Michael Corleone: He's your first cousin.
Mary Corleone: Then I love him first.
Michael Corleone: Mary, you can't see him. Just don't see him anymore.
Anthony Corleone (Played by Franc D'Ambrosio): He's right. It's too dangerous.
Michael Corleone: Mary, you can't see him anymore. Not in that fashion.
"You can't keep blowing your cousin. This is Sicily. What do you think this is Westeros?" Sean asked, in his Michael Corleone imitation.
Sean: (Narrating) And here's more of Sofia Coppola's bad acting.
Mary Corleone: No.
Michael Corleone: Please, promise me.
Mary Corleone: No!
Michael Corleone: Obey me on this.
Mary Corleone: No, dad!
(Mary walks away)
"Oh, my fucking God. Can somebody please put a hit out on Sofia Coppola's acting career?!" Sean exclaimed before pulling out a flask from out of his pocket and starts drinking some whiskey. "Boy, I'm gonna need AA after this."
Sean: (Narrating) And so much for obeying her daddy, Mary goes ahead and takes a puff of Vincent's Cuban cigar once more, then Vincent goes to see Michael for a little assignment for him to do.
Vincent Mancini: What do you need?
Michael Corleone: I want you to sell your soul to Don Altobello. To betray me.
Vincent Mancini: He'd never believe me.
"Hey, you're a Cuban playing an Italian. He'll never know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Vincent pretends to defect from the Corleone family in order to spy on Don Altobello and to make him believe that he's in love with Mary that he would betray Michael and that he needs Altobello's help. And look who's shown up.
Don Licio Lucchesi: Don Altobello tells me that you have good character. Strong. A man of respect.
Sean: (Narrating) Yep. Altobello introduces Vincent to that Lucchesi prick. And the mole is successfully planted. Meanwhile, Michael goes to visit Cardinal Lamberto, played by the late Raf Vallone. Michael informs Cardinal Lamberto of the Vatican banker's corrupt dealings until Michael has a drop in blood sugar and from out of nowhere a plate full of candy bars and orange juice appears like magic.
"Boy, I guess the Church has doctors on call for something like this to happen." Sean said as he looks down at his coffee table and sees a tray full of Twix and orange juice that just appeared. "Really, I don't have a drop in blood sugar. Oh, give me the Twix."
Sean picks up the Twix candy bar, ripping the wrapper open and starts eating it.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, they say that confession is good for the soul when Cardinal Lamberto asks Michael to confess his sins, and he does.
Michael Corleone: (While confessing to Cardinal Lamberto) I, uh (Clearing throat)… betrayed my wife.
Cardinal Lamberto (Played by the late Raf Vallone) Go on, my son.
Michael Corleone: I betrayed myself. I killed men. And I ordered men to be killed.
Cardinal Lamberto: Go on, my son. Go on.
Michael Corleone: I killed… I ordered the death of my brother. He injured me. (Tearfully) I killed my mother's son. (Sobbing) I killed my father's son. (Cries)
Cardinal Lamberto: Your sins are terrible, and it is just that you suffer. Your life could be redeemed, but I know that you don't believe that. You will not change.
"Wow. You know. As much as I rant about this movie, that's one scene that I like. Michael confessing his sins. Hell, his confession is much better than mine when I confessed to my church pastor while we were at his house drinking beer." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean is drinking his beer with his church pastor)
Pastor Tome: So, Sean. Do you have any sins to confess?
Sean: (Sipping his beer) I don't know, Brian. I don't have any sins to confess.
Pastor Tome: Come on. They say that confession is good for the soul.
Sean: Are you sure about that?
Pastor Tome: Yes.
Sean: Okay, let's make some magic here. Me and my friends Brian and his brother Adam got into bar fight with Vinnie Jones from X-Men, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a gumball machine from a store that was closed, I fantasized about having a threesome with Taylor and her best friend Dayton, I prank called Doug Walker, I masturbated to lesbian porn eight billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating to lesbian porn in the future. Whoo-hoo, I'm clean! In your face, lord!
(Pastor Tome is speechless from listening to Sean's confession)
Pastor Tome: I think I'm gonna need another beer.
(Pastor Tome grabs another bottle of beer after finishing his first bottle)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we learn that the Pope is dead. And guess who's going to become the new pope.
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn) Jaime Fucking Lannister.
"Wha..what? No. Not Jaime Fucking Lannister. Cardinal Lamberto." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Don Altobello hires a master assassin by the name of Mosca, played by Mario Donatone, and he hires Mosca to kill Michael Corleone. Later Kay arrives in Sicily and he gives Kay a tour of Sicily by showing her the place that Vito was born, dance at a wedding and have an authentic Italian dinner. Oh, and Mosca assassinates Don Tommasino after he recognizes him. Oh, and there's some old feelings resurfacing between Michael and Kay.
Michael Corleone: I love you, Kay. Don't dread me anymore.
Kay Adams Michelson: I guess that if it's any consolation, that I want you to know that… that… I always loved you, Michael. And you know… always, I always will.
"Let's just hope that he doesn't hit you and a chair gets knocked over. Hell, don't ruin this wonderful Sicilian meal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Michael is about to bust out the olive oil, he gets some bad news about Don Tommasino's death and Cardinal Lamberto is elected the new Pope and they declare him Pope John Paul I. And he's not taking any shit when the Immobiliare deal is ratified and the corrupt plotters like Gilday and Luchessi learn about the new Pope's methods and that he has to be dealt with. What is up with the villains in this movie? Give me Solozzo and Fanucci any day. The villains in this one suck and we have a reason to hate Solozzo, Fanucci and even Hyman Roth. These guys… what the fuck is their purpose? That's lazy filmmaking 101! Later, Michael is at Don Tommasino's funeral mourning the death of his old friend and he vows never to sin again.
We see Sean falling asleep on the couch, snoring.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Vincent comes to inform Michael that Altobello has hired an assassin to kill him and Vincent has a proposition for him.
Vincent Mancini: Give me the order.
Michael Corleone: You won't be able to go back. You'll be like me.
Vincent Mancini: Good.
"Vincent, just remember. Once you get in, you can't get out. That's the rule of the Mafia." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Michael names Vincent the new Don of the Corleone family and Michael tells Vincent to give up Mary.
Michael Corleone: Nephew, from this moment on, call yourself Vincent Corleone.
"Congratulations, Vincent. You're now the new Godfather. You'll be awarded with more attempts in your life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Finally! We're at the opera to see Anthony's operatic debut, where we see Michael and his family showing up to see Anthony performing and Mosca arrives, disguised as a priest. What? What? WHAT?!
Sean stays silent as he gets up from off of his couch, picking up his car keys before walking out of the house. We then see Sean driving to a bar, then we see the young critic drinking a beer. After leaving the bar, Sean drives back home as he tries to keep his cool and when he arrives at his home, he enters the house and sits back down on the couch and sighs.
"I'm not gonna get angry. I'm gonna stay calm. Staying calm. Sorry, I'm not gonna stay calm. Who the fuck disguises themselves as a priest? Are you kidding me?! Won't the other priests recognize him with that disguise? My God! Some master assassin he is. John Malkovich from In the Line of Fire is a better master assassin than you and Agent 47 from Hitman is the most basdass assassin ever." Sean said. "Can this movie end?"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Connie presents Don Altobello with a sweet treat. A cannoli, but this old bastardo don't trust nobody.
Don Altobello: You're so thin. You eat it.
(Connie pretends to taste the cannoli)
"Oh, no. Like she doesn't look suspicious at all." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) B.J. informs Michael that the new Pope has approved the real estate deal and then we cut to Vincent and Mary when he breaks the news to her that things are over between him and her.
Vincent Mancini: It's not your father's decision, it's mine. Don't hate your father. There are things I'll be a part of that you can't be around. After tonight, you won't see me anymore.
Mary Corleone: I'll always love you.
"Look, Mary. You have to understand. I can't be the head of the family if I get head from the family." Sean said, imitating Vincent Mancini. "A little advice to you all, don't date your cousins because it's wrong and it's fucking gross."
Sean: (Narrating) So, the opera begins as Vincent sings for an eternity and Vincent exacts his revenge. Don Altobello is eating his cannoli while Connie watches.
Sean: (V/O as Connie) Yeah, that's right. Eat it. Eat it, you old bastardo.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's not a Godfather movie unless we get a montage of people getting whacked. Mosca kills Vincent's bodyguards in the dumbest way possible by stabbing them. Back to the kills: Keinszig is abducted by Vincent's men and he's smothered by them with a pillow over his face and then hang him from a bridge. Don Altobello dies from eating a poisoned cannoli. Archbishop Gilday kills the new Pope by serving him poisoned tea, then he gets shot and killed by Al Neri. Calo, played by the late Franco Citti, kills Lucchesi by stabbing him in his motherfucking neck with his own glasses. I have to say, that was my favorite death in the movie and before he kills him, he says this line.
Calo (Played by the late Franco Citti): (In Italian) Power wears out those who don't have it.
Sean: (Narrating) But wait, we still have Mosca. Who has to kill Michael, but he doesn't.
"Wait, he doesn't shoot him with a rifle? Come on, man! You had him clear in your sights and you don't shoot him? What are you waiting for? Are you going to just wait to shoot Michael outside in front of hundreds of people and his family?" Sean asked.
(Mosca attempts to shoot Michael, but shoots him in the shoulder. Mosca fires another shot as everybody screams)
"Oh, Jesus. Couldn't he just use a suppressor on his pistol to shoot Michael quietly? He has to go loud and do it out in the open." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mosca then gets jumped by a bunch of priests and Vincent kills the "master" assassin. And we have the worst acting from Sofia Coppola in the whole damn movie.
Mary Corleone: (After realizing she's been hit) Dad…
"Come on, at least have a better reaction after getting shot in the chest." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mary dies and Michael screams in agony in what I have to make fun of because of Pacino's performance. And by the way, I laughed my ass off from watching this scene.
(Michael screams)
"Look, I know it's wrong to make fun of this scene and Al Pacino is so good in this moment. What we saw was Michael watching his daughter die and watching him break down makes this scene so heartbreaking and this is the moment where Michael Corleone dies…. at least in spirit. But if you want me to make fun of the scream, then I will." Sean said.
(Michael screams)
"This must be Pacino's initial reaction to being in Jack & Jill." Sean said.
(Michael screams)
"This is my reaction and every fan of Teen Titans' reaction to Teen Titans Go to the Movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing Pacino's powerful performance, we get different scenes of Michael dancing with his daughter Mary, Michael dancing with his first wife Apollonia and Michael dancing with Kay. And the film ends with the elderly Michael Corleone who's sitting alone at Don Tommasino's villa and dies. Well, at least the movie promised us the death of Michael Corleone. Which was the original title for the movie. And the film ends with Nino Rota and Carmine Coppola's amazing music score and Harry Connick Jr.'s Promise Me You'll Remember, a beautiful song to listen to. Get a chance to listen to it.
"Whew! We are done! And that was The Godfather Part III. As much as I get annoyed by this movie, it's still a Godfather movie. And a lot of you would think I'm crazy for saying this but, it's a pretty good movie." Sean said.
(Clips from The Godfather Part III is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I would not say that it was a pretty good movie, I considered it to be an okay flick. There are some good points for this film, the cinematography is wonderful and so is the music score and the production design. It's great that Dean Tavoularis, Gordon Willis and Carmine Coppola are back to work on this movie, And some of the cast are pretty good as always I loved Andy Garcia's performance as Vincent Mancini, with the exception of Sofia Coppola, and I have to agree yeah I didn't care for her acting. Plus, the ending was weak. The film is a magnificent piece of art, if you could get through the confusing plot. Although this movie had mixed reviews, the movie was nominated for seven Academy Award including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing, Best Art Direction-Set Decoration and Best Music/Sound. But the film did win two Golden Raspberry Awards for Worst Supporting Actress and Worst New Star for Sofia Coppola. Still a good movie even though the plot was (Makes a fart noise). That's why I'm giving The Godfather Part III 4 offers that you can't refuse out of 5.
"That's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch.
The young critic enters the kitchen while singing Harry Connick Jr.'s Promise Me You'll Remember. He stops singing until he sees a man in the kitchen, sitting at the table and eating a bowl of Resse's Puffs cereal. The man was wearing a suede jacket, a blue button-down shirt, denim jeans and a blue and black tie.
"What the hell?" Sean asked as he reached behind his back to pull out his Beretta 92F pistol until the man sitting at the kitchen table sees Sean and picks up his .38 snub nosed-revolver.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute." Sean said.
"Alright, buttercup. Put the gun down nice and slow." The man said.
"Look, this gun isn't even loaded." Sean said.
"Yeah, and I'm Debby Ryan. Put the gun down." The man said.
Sean puts the gun down on the kitchen counter and sits down at the table.
"So, do you mind telling me what are you doing in my house and eating my cereal and pointing a gun at me?" Sean asked.
"Listen, I ain't tellin' you no bedtime story and this is no water pistol. The name's Tom Jackson. Are you The Mayhem Critic, real name Sean J. Archer? Born February 25th, 1992. A movie fanatic and a Batman fan. Your girlfriend's name is Taylor Addison. A cute blonde, very sexy." Tom said, reading Sean's profile.
"Now, hold it. Stay away from my gal." Sean said.
"I don't want your girl, wiseguy." Tom said.
"What do you want from me?" Sean asked.
"I've been keeping track of your reviews. I'm lucky that you haven't lost your mind from reviewing bad movies." Tom said. "I like that. We need someone like you at our agency."
"Agency?" Sean asked as Tom hands him a card.
"Here's my card if you're interested." Tom said as Sean looks over at the card.
"Tom Jackson, Agent of M.A.Y.H.E.M. Wait, what is…" Sean asked, looking up to see that Agent Jackson has vanished. "What the hell is going on here?"
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
In Memory Of
Morgana King
June 4, 1930-March 22, 2018
In Memory Of
Aretha Franklin
March 25, 1942-August 16th, 2018
And that was part two of two of The Godfather Part III review. I hope you all liked the review. I decided to add a little subplot to this story. It's not the last we've seen Agent Tom Jackson. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the top 11 Batman: TAS episodes. Then, which movie do you want me to review after the top 11 countdown? Here's some of the choices:
Ghostbusters II
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero
Psycho II
Which one would you like for me to review? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any movies or TV shows for me to review and if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.