The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a look back at his childhood and reviews one of the greatest films from his childhood. And of course I'm talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the 1990 version. Does the film still hold up today or is it just a silly film from his childhood? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story, this is a parody. All material belong to their respective sources. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is owned by New Line Cinema, Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird and Mirage Studios.
Episode Thirty-One
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Sean enters the living room, wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, grey shorts and red Nike sneakers. He was sipping on a can of Sprite while he sits down on the couch to get ready to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. As a kid, I had an awesome childhood while I was growing up." Sean said.
(Footage from different shows like Tiny Toon Adventures, Batman: The Animated Series, Power Rangers, Animaniacs, Ducktales, Gargoyles, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck and Talespin are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) When I was young, I grew up watching shows like Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs and Batman: The Animated Series. And I still do since I own them on DVD. And of course, you've heard me talk about Batman: The Animated Series, well Batman: Mask of the Phantasm….
(A sound of a woman screaming is heard)
"Okay, I've talked about Mask of the Phantasm long enough and you're probably annoyed by that. But you want to know what's another big part of my childhood when I was growing up? It was this show." Sean points at his shirt.
(The intro to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the 1987 animated series is shown and footage from the animated series is shown)
Sean: Hell, yeah! Teenage Mutant Fucking Ninja Turtles, this was the shit. While growing up, I watched that show a lot. And Turtle Fever was going on back in the 80s and 90s and it's still going on now with Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Kids collected the toys, the video games, the clothing, the cereal, Turtle Pie snacks and before they started off as an animated series for kids and the whole family, it started off as a comic book with a darker tone created by the gods themselves Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. My mom owned the comics before I was born and she still has them. Plus, she still has the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game on her Nintendo system that she still has and I dread playing that game like the Angry Video Game Nerd, but I did enjoy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game, and she still has that as well. Plus, I own a Batman/TMNT crossover comic that my mom bought for me at Barnes & Noble. Anyway, I owned an episode from the animated series on VHS and after the episode ended, I stumbled across the theatrical trailer for the movie.
(The trailer for TMNT 1990 is shown)
The Shredder: Our family grows. The city itself will be our playground to use as we please. Rewarding ourselves and punishing our enemies.
Foot Clan Member: We've been looking for you, Ms. O'Neil.
The Shredder: There is a new enemy. Freaks of nature. Together we will punish these creatures.
"And when I saw the trailer for the live action Turtles movie, I was amazed. And what do you know, my mom happened to own it on VHS and I have got to see this. And if you didn't know from the TMNT t-shirt that I'm wearing, I'm reviewing the movie." Sean said.
(The titles from the 2014 film version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)
"Wrong movie!" Sean yelled.
(The titles from the 1990 film version is shown)
"There we go." Sean said, with a satisfied look on his face.
(The title of the movie is shown as well as footage from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was released in theaters on March 30th, 1990. The film was directed by Irish film director Steve Barron, who's known for directing the 1984 science fiction romantic comedy Electric Dreams, The Adventures of Pinocchio with the late Martin Landau and Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Pinocchio and the 1993 film Coneheads. The movie based on the Saturday Night Live sketch starring Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin. It… well… the movie… stick with Wayne's World. It's a better movie than Coneheads. The film's an adaptation of the early TMNT comics with elements taken from the animated series.
"This movie kicks ass back then and it still kicks ass now. And as a special treat, I am going to be reviewing this movie. I mean, it's been a while since I've watched the movie. So, grab yourself a box of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cookies. Uh… do they still make them? Anyway, order yourself an extra large pepperoni pizza, sit back, relax and enjoy. We're going to take a look at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The 1990 version not the 2014 Michael Bay version." Sean said.
(The film opens with a shot of New York City)
Sean: (Narrating) The film begins in New York City. So far so good. And we see that crime is running rampant. The crime wave is high with mugging mysterious. Partners in Kryme, take it over.
(The Turtle Power music video is shown)
Partners in Kryme: (Sings) All police and detectives are furious.
April O'Neil (Played by Judith Hoag) Crimes without criminals? An invisible gang at work? Who are we going to call?
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fucking Lannister.
"Shut up!" Sean yelled.
April O'Neil: April O'Neil, Channel Three Eyewitness News…
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's April? I'm sorry you see this hottie over there?" Sean asked.
(A picture of April O'Neil from the 1987 animated series is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) That's April O'Neil. Yellow jumpsuit, nice legs. Damn, she's fine.
(A picture of pornographic actress April O'Neil is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You see this next hottie? That's pornographic actress April O'Neil. Nice legs, nice tits. Mmm!
"And you are?" Sean asked.
April O'Neil: April O'Neil, Channel Three Eyewitness News.
"Oh, alright. Fine!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to reporter April O'Neil, played by Judith Hoag from the ABC/CMT drama Nashville and for those of you who grew up watching Disney Channel, she played Marnie's mother Gwen in the Halloweentown movies. So, we see that April is leaving from work and we see her in her signature yellow jumpsuit….
(April is seen wearing a yellow raincoat)
"Oh, wait a minute! That's a raincoat, that's not a jumpsuit! There is a big difference! See? Look." Sean said.
(A photo of April from the animated series and a photo of April from the 1990 film version is shown side by side)
Sean: (Narrating) Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit! Raincoat!
"Get it right!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Why don't you have April wear a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap while you're at it?
(A photo of April wearing a yellow raincoat with a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that April has come across a group of thieves, one of them played by a young Sam Rockwell from Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and they try to mug her until we see a sai flying from out of nowhere and breaking a light.
"Holy cow. It's the Turtles. We get to see them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we don't see the Turtles beating up on April's attackers, we see the aftermath of the attackers tied up as the police arrives, and then we see glimpses of one of the Turtles peeking from the sewer hole.
Raphael (Voiced by Josh Pais): (Sees April taking his sai) Oh, man.
(April puts the sai in her bag)
Raphael: Damn.
"And the Turtles are a bit foul-mouthed. Parents, aren't you glad to be taking your kids to see this PG-rated movie that's fun for the whole family?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We're only five minutes in this movie and we haven't seen the Turtles yet. They better look damn good.
Michaelangelo (Voiced by Robbie Rist): Yes, dudes and dude-ettes major league butt-kicking is back in town.
(The title of the movie is shown a la the animated series and we see the Turtles appear in live action form)
Leonardo (Voiced by Brian Tochi): Awesome!
Michaelangelo: Righteous!
Donatello (Voiced by Corey Feldman): Bossa nova!
Leonardo: What?
(Leonardo and Michaelangelo turn to Donatello and look at him)
Michaelangelo: Bossa nova?
Donatello: Chevy Nova? Hmm? Excellent!
"Excuse me for just one moment, I'm about to go full-on geek mode, right about now." Sean said. "Holy cow! The Turtles look so amazing! Look at those costumes, those are incredible! Oh, my God! They're phenomenal!"
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you would have a full-on geekgasm from seeing the Turtles. The man who made this possible was the late Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets. Fun fact: the Turtles were created at Jim Henson's Creature Shop and it took 18 weeks for them to complete them. And I have to say, they look amazing as hell.
Raphael: Damn!
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, buster. This is a PG movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After kicking butt, the Turtles Leonardo voiced by Brian Tochi from Police Academy 3 and Police Academy 4 and played by David Forman, Raphael voiced by Josh Pais and he performed the character, Michaelangelo voiced by Robbie Rist and played by Michelan Sisti and Donatello voiced by Corey Feldman from The Goonies, The Lost Boys and every movie he starred in with Corey Haim and played by Leif Tiden. They see their Master Splinter, played by Kevin Clash and Ralphael is fuming about losing a sai.
Raphael: I lost a sai.
Splinter (Voiced by and performed by Kevin Clash): Then it is gone.
Raphael: But I can get it back. I can get it back.
Splinter: Raphael…let it go.
(Donatello places his hand on Raphael's shoulder. Raphael slaps Donatello's hand away with Donatello hitting his arm and Raphael hitting him back)
"Slap fight!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) While Raphael goes out to cool out, the rest of the Turtles decide to have some pizza, courtesy of Domino's Pizza delivered by Michelan Sisti, Michaelangelo's performer.
Michaelangelo: You're two minutes late, dude.
Pizza Man (Played by Michelan Sisti): Come on! I couldn't find the place!
Michaelangelo: Wise man say, "Forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza."
Pizza Man: I got to get a new route. And I thought I delivered everywhere.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with Raphael, he comes out of the theater from seeing the movie Critters and…(Notices Raphael's disguse) uh, nobody notices a big turtle dressed in a trenchcoat? How can you not notice that?
"What? Was the person handing out tickets not notice him but was busy reading a magazine? How dumb are these people?" Sean asked.
Splinter: Oy.
Sean: (Narrating) Raphael thwarts two purse snatchers and then he comes across a hockey-masked wearing vigilante named Casey Jones, played by Elias Koteas from Chicago P.D.
Casey Jones (Played by Elias Koteas): It looks like you're the one who needs to be taught a lesson. Class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones.
Raphael: Look, I don't want to fight you.
Casey Jones: Well, tough rocks, pal.
"You don't want to mess with me, pal. I used to be a professional hockey player. We tend to beat up other hockey players." Sean said.
Casey Jones: (After seeing that Raphael is a turtle) Hey, what are you some sort of punker?
Raphael: (Picks up Casey's bat) Huh?
Casey Jones: I hate punkers. Especially bald ones with green makeup who wear masks over their ugly faces.
Ralphael: That's it.
Casey Jones: Oooh.
Raphael: New batter!
(Swing and misses)
Casey Jones: Strike one!
(Raphael swings and misses again)
Casey Jones: Whoa, whiffer!
(Raphael jumps over Casey, then hits him with a bat, knocking him to the ground)
Raphael: Home run. Raphael wins! One-nothing!
"I wish the Cincinnati Reds could hit a home run like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Raphael gets his ass handed to him by Casey Jones, and the hockey mask-wearing vigilante gets away with Raphael on his tail.
Raphael: (While chasing Casey) Come back here! I'm not finished with you!
(We cut to a shot of New York)
Raphael: (Yells) DAMN!
"Boy, a lot of damns in this movie." Sean said.
(A montage of the Turtles saying "Damn" is shown)
Raphael: Damn./Damn!/DAMN!/Damn!
Michaelangelo: (While watching a cartoon) Ninja-kick the damn rabbit!
Charles Pennington (Played by Jay Patterson): Danny! Damn it!
"In fact, a lot of parents complained about the movie because there was too much cursing in it. Really? Is the word "Damn" really that bad? I guess it's just the parents being a bunch of goddamn assholes." Sean said. "Parents, they can be idiots sometimes."
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, couldn't you say another swear word besides "Damn"? At least say something like this.
Sean: (As Raphael) Come back here! I'm not finished with you! SHIT!
Sean: (Narrating) Or this.
Sean: (As Raphael) Come back here! I'm not finished with you! FUCK!
"Wait a minute. You can't say the F-word in a PG movie. Unless if you're Beetlejuice." Sean said.
(A clip from Beetlejuice is shown)
Beetlejuice (Played by Michael Keaton): (After kicking down the tree) Nice fucking model!
"How that got past the MPAA, no clue." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that April's boss Charles Pennington, played by Jay Patterson, is concerned about April's safety and we're introduced to his teenage son named Danny, played by Michael Turney and we see that they're relationship is not to good like Bill and William from Violette1st.
Charles Pennington: (After Danny puts on his headphones to listen to music) See? That's what he does when he wants to ignore me, sticks his head in those things. I wonder where the hell he got those things, anyway.
"Well, he's a teenager. That's what teenagers do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I should've mentioned this to you before, Danny is a criminal as you can see him stealing a $20 bill from out of April's wallet. Hell, you've seen him in the beginning of the movie working with a bunch of criminals. So anyway, April interviews the most incompetent police chief in New York named Chief Sterns, played by the late Raymond Serra. April interviews Chief Sterns about the crime wave that's going on around New York and she questions him about an organization of pajama-wearing psychos known as the Foot Clan. And we see that they're led by the ruthless, evil, deadly Shre…wait, that's The Shredder?
Chief Sterns (Played by the late Raymond Serra): (On television) There is no evidence to link such a name to these incidents.
April O'Neil: (On television) Are you denying an organization known as The Foot exists?
(The Shredder throws a dagger at the television)
The Shredder (Voiced by David McCharen, played by James Saito): Find her. Silence her.
"No, that can't be The Shredder. This is The Shredder." Sean said.
(A clip from the 1987 animated series is shown)
The Shredder (Voiced by the late James Avery): But I don't wanna conquer this place, I wanna conquer Earth!
"From what I remember, The Shredder is a bumbling idiot who works for Krang. I guess they're making him a bumbling idiot in this movie. Who knows?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) April gets chewed out by Chief Sterns, then leaves right when Raph…oh come on, no one even notices Raphael in that disguise?
"It's like Don Tommasino recognizing Mosca wearing that priest outfit in The Godfather Part III. Oh, wait. That did happen. Nevermind." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, April is about to go home until she gets cornered by The Foot Clan and they have a little message for her.
Foot Messenger (Played by Leif Tilden): Your mouth may yet bring you much trouble, Ms. O'Neil. I deliver a message.
(The Foot Messenger holds his hand out and slaps April in the face)
Foot Messenger: Shut it.
(April pulls out Raphael's sai from out of her bag)
"Now we're talkin'! April's gonna kick some ass." Sean said.
(The Foot Messenger kicks the sai from out of April's hand)
"Oy vey!" Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) April gets knocked out by one of the Foot Clan members until Raphael is there to save her from certain death and take her back to their hideout. She wakes up and her reaction…
(April wakes up and sees Splinter, then screams)
Michaelangelo: Hi.
(April sees Leonardo and Michaelangelo. She starts screaming then Michaelangelo and Leonardo start screaming as well)
(A clip from the Batman: The Animated Series episode Deep Freeze is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): I said silence!
Sean: (Narrating) Splinter explains the origin of where they came from. See, fifteen years ago, Splinter was just an ordinary pet rat in Japan and we'll get to more on that later. He makes his way to New York and he comes across four baby turtles who were crawling into some glowing green ooze. And the next day, they doubled in size and so did Splinter and they even begin to form words.
Baby Turtle: Pizza! Pizza!
"What? It could happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And Splinter decides to name them after the famous Renaissance painters Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo and Donatello. So, April befriends the Turtles and she invites them back to her place for some pizza.
April O'Neil: Uh, what do you guys like on your pizza?
Michaelangelo: Uh, just the regular stuff- - flies, stink bugs. It..It was a joke.
"Hey, from what I can remember from the animated series, they had weird toppings on their pizza." Sean said. "And by the way, Splinter was human once."
Sean: (Narrating) After a night of entertaining April and eating pizza, they come home to find their place ransacked and their master taken away as Raphael let out one of the loudest screams ever.
(Raphael screams)
"Wow, I never thought that a TMNT movie could be dark? Jeez, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Turtles end up staying at April's place and the next day April's boss arrives as they hide for cover. Charles tells April that she's been working too hard on the story and that he wants her to take it easy for a while and let somebody else handle it. But April says no. Then, Danny notices Michaelangelo after seeing his reflection in the mirror.
(Danny sees Michaelangelo, then turns around and not see him hiding under the table)
"Whoa, dude. I've gotta stop smoking." Sean said, imitating the character Danny.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Charles has a stern talking to with his son Danny because he got arrested for stealing.
Danny Pennington (Played by Michael Turney): I don't know.
Charles Pennington: You don't know? What the heck were you doing with a car stereo anyway? Or don't you know that either?
"Uh, who steals car stereos these days? Do they still steal car stereos? That's why car alarms exist." Sean said as he hears the sound of his car alarm going off and pulls out a Micro Uzi. "Excuse me, one second. I'm about to go murder some car thieves. Hey, say hello to my little friend!"
Sean: (Narrating) Danny runs away from his jackass father and then we cut to a warehouse, where we see a bunch of teens having a good time. And I want you to take a look at this scene. Take a look at it.
(In the scene that Sean mentions, we see some teens smoking and playing pool, we see one teen chewing bubble gum, we see some teens skateboarding, playing arcade games and dancing, gambling, spraying graffiti and listening to rap music)
"Okay, this is a sign. This scene is a sign saying that this is the end of the 80s and the beginning of the 90s. We have teens smoking cigars, chewing bubble gum, skateboarding and playing video games. What? You telling me they didn't do all of that stuff in the 80s? I mean, how should I know? I was born in '92. So sue me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the Shredder's second-in-command named Hun, I mean Tatsu. Played by Toshishiro Obata. Who you might recognize him as the guy who got his ass blown away by the late Brandon Lee in Showdown in Little Tokyo.
(A clip from Showdown in Little Tokyo is shown)
Det. Johnny Murata (Played by the late Brandon Lee): You have the right to be dead.
(Murata throws the match into a vat of flammable liquids and sets it on fire, killing Sato, played by Toshishiro Obata)
Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, enough about this guy. We're introduced to the big bad of the movie. I bet you he's going to be like The Shredder in the animated series.
(We see the live action version of The Shredder walking down as his theme music start playing. We then cut to Sean, who has a scared look on his face before we cut back to the Shredder)
Tatsu (Played by Toshishiro Obata) Master Shredder.
(Tatsu bows to Shredder, then pushes some of his cape down to reveal his bladed shoulder pads)
"Jesus. The movie version of the Shredder looked intimidating and scary as fuck. My god, he is awesome!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We have ourselves the live action version of The Shredder and to be honest, I like this version. See? He doesn't have to be all clumsy. He's played by James Saito from ABC's Eli Stone and he appeared in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager from what I recall. Also, The Shredder is voiced by David McCharen. So, while we see that Splinter is held captive at their hideout, the Shredder gives one of the best villain speeches ever.
The Shredder: You are here because the outside world rejects you. This is your family. I am your father.
"And he's being a blatant rip-off of Darth Vader." Sean said.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones and played by David Prowse) I am your father.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, The Shredder reveals his dastardly plan. And his plan is to…
The Shredder: Together we will punish these creatures! These…turtles!
Sean starts chuckling a bit after hearing The Shredder's master plan. "That's your plan. I'm sorry but how can I take this guy seriously when he says that he wants to punish these pop culture-spewing, pizza-loving turtles? Sounds like a silly plan. Can you imagine him walking up to someone in the Mafia and hires them to go after some turtles?"
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Phil Leotardo) Alright, Mr. Shredder. You've come to me for some help. I understand that you have some sort of problem.
Carson: (as The Shredder) Yes, I want you to exterminate the problem for me. They are interfering with my business and I want them dealt with.
Sean: (Sips his glass of whiskey) Okay. So, who do you want me to whack?
Carson: I want you to punish these creatures! These…turtles!
(Sean stays silent for a bit, then starts laughing)
Carson: What? What did I say?
Sean: (Laughs) Can you believe this fuckin' guy? You want me go after some turtles?
(Sean continues to laugh, as well as his friends Lucas and Brian, who both join in)
Carson: What? All I said is I want you to go after the turtles who are interfering with my business.
(The three men continue to laugh)
Carson: You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home.
(Carson leaves)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Turtles are at April's apartment, watching her on television and telling another reporter about the Foot Clan. Then after the interview ends, Raphael and Leonardo get into an argument while Donatello and Michaelangelo are in the kitchen eating snacks.
Leonardo: April's our only link to these guys. We have to wait until she comes up with something.
Raphael: Oh, so that's the plan from our great leader, huh? Just sit here on our butts.
Leonardo: I never said I was a great leader.
Raphael: Well, you sure act like it sometimes.
Leonardo: Yeah, well you act like a jerk sometimes, you know that? And this attitude of yours isn't helping anything.
"If you keep on, this attitude of yours is gonna land you on TruTv's World's Dumbest Meltdowns." Sean said, imitating Leonardo.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Raphael goes up on the roof to vent and all of a sudden, Casey just sees him from far away while he's working on a radio.
"What a coincidence." Sean said nonchalantly.
Sean: (Narrating) And Raphael gets into a fight with The Foot Clan.
(We see Raphael fighting the Foot Clan)
Raphael: I mean, come on. How do you guys expect to beat me?
(More foot soldiers appear on the roof)
Raphael: Good answer. Good answer.
"Okay, I know that Raphael is an awesome character and all but where are the rest of the Turtles? We've only got two fight scenes, both of them involving Raphael. And we're only halfway through this movie." Sean said.
Sean: The Foot Clan drops Raphael through the skylight and the rest of the members of the Foot Clan come crashing through the doors and windows.
(A clip from City Heat is shown)
Mike Murphy, P.I. (Played by Burt Reynolds): Doesn't anyone knock anymore?
Sean: (Narrating) And Michaelangelo gets into a nunchuck-off with one of the members of the Foot Clan.
(Michaelangelo starts swinging his nunchucks, the back to the Foot Clan member who swings his nunchucks and back to Michaelangelo. We cut to a clip of a hot girl in a bikini swinging her nunchucks until she hits herself in the face)
Michaelangelo: (While swinging his nunchucks with his finger) Keep practicing.
(Donatello jumps over Michaelangelo and hits the Foot soldiers with his bo staff)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now we're talking. We get all of the Turtles fighting. Except for Raphael, of course. He's knocked the fuck out. And the fight scene is a little goofy.
(We see the Turtles fighting the Foot Clan)
Sean: (Narrating) And things get intense after Casey Jones arrives and a fire breaks out in April's apartment as the Turtles, April and Casey flee before the Foot Clan escapes. Wow, this is some dark stuff.
(We cut to the Shredder walking down the hall, angry and getting ready to interrogate Splinter)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, Shredder looks pissed about something.
"Would you like to calm down? Maybe smoke some weed or have a drink? Maybe you're a little stressed out. You need to take a soak in a hot tub. Take a minute to chill out." Sean said.
(The Shredder slaps Splinter in the face)
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus!
Shredder: What are these…freaks? How do they know how to fight like this?
(Shredder holds the blade underneath Splinter's chin while Splinter doesn't give him an answer)
Shredder: You will answer. Then hang there until you die.
"Good God, man! This is supposed to be a movie for kids. This is all a bit much for them. They can't handle that dark stuff. But you know what? All this dark stuff is actually what makes this film a bit better and I like it. Remember, the comics were dark. But you know what the Nostalgia Critic said back when he was talking about the fourth season of Batman: The Animated Series, darker doesn't always mean better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Danny meets Splinter and he talks to him about fathers and stuff.
Danny Pennington: My dad couldn't care less about me.
Splinter: I doubt that is true.
Danny Pennington: Why?
Splinter: All fathers care for their sons.
"Yeah, well not all fathers care for their sons. I haven't seen my father in a long time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Turtles, Casey and April retreat to a farm house that belonged to April's family. And as they're in exile and waiting to return to battle, we get an insight into more of the characters like a possible romance between Casey and April which starts with bickering.
April O'Neil: (After Casey tells her that she got fired) What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?
Casey Jones: Hey, I was just trying to break it to you easy.
April O'Neil: Oh, well you failed miserably!
Casey Jones: Hey Broadzilla, you wouldn't be even standing here if it weren't for me. Okay?
"Okay, how long until these two end up together in the movie? Come on, just stop bickering and have some hot angry sex like Vegeta and Bulma. I guess that's how Trunks was conceived." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Raph recovers and him and Leonardo make up and the Turtles are four once again and they start training before heading back to New York. But before they do, the Turtles sit by a campfire and contact Splinter through meditation.
Splinter: I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the ninja- - that ultimate mastery comes not of the body but of the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other. Draw upon one another. And always remember the true force that binds you- - the same as that which brought me here tonight that which I gladly return with my final words. I love you all, my sons.
(We see Michaelangelo crying)
"You see that? Turtles can cry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the Turtles to head back to New York to finish the fight. As they head back to their home, they find that Danny is hiding out in their home.
Danny Pennington: I ran away from home.
April O'Neil: Oh, God. Your father's going to have kittens.
"Oookay. That was a weird line to say in a movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) April gives Danny one of the drawings and later that night, he sneaks out. But Casey suspects that the young lad is up to no good and follows him. Actually, Danny returns to go see Splinter and he tells him the story about his master Hamato Yoshi. Alright, I like this origin story of Splinter. In the movie, his master was Hamato Yoshi. Hamato Yoshi was one of Japan's finest warriors. He was murdered by his rival, a man named Oruku Saki.
"Why was he murdered?" Sean asked. "He was murdered over a woman."
Sean: (Narrating) He was murdered over a woman named Tang Shen. The two were competing over the love of Tang Shen. Splinter was just a rat who can mimic his masters moves. That is one smart fucking rat. Anyway, in the cartoon, Hamato Yoshi is Splinter and Oroku Saki was one of his students in The Foot and he stabbed him in the back, banishing him from the clan and fleeing to New York.
"So yeah. His backstory was different than in the animated series." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Danny betrays the Shredder and he learns that the Turtles are back in New York, so he sends some of his men to take them out and he orders Splinter to be killed. Meanwhile, the Foot arrive at the Turtles' hideout, only for the Turtles to get the jump on them. As for Casey and Danny, they save Splinter from certain death but not until Tatsu and the other teens who are recruited by the Foot spot them and Casey ends up fighting Tastu while running his big mouth.
Casey Jones: (After mimicking Tatsu) You know, a little Primatene might just help clear up that up there.
(Tatsu punches Casey in the face)
Casey Jones: That's going to cost you, Tinkerbell.
(Tatsu backhands Casey in the face)
Casey Jones: I don't think…I don't think that you're listening.
"Dude, shut up. Don't piss this guy off some more. Your big mouth is going to get you killed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Tatsu is about to own Casey, the former hockey player turns the tables on him and beats up the guy.
Casey Jones: Fore!
(Hits Tatsu with the golf club, sending him flying into some boxes)
Casey Jones: (Kisses the golf club) I'll never call golf a dull game again.
"Not a bad fighter. If only he wouldn't run his mouth. He reminds me of that Russian woman in World's Dumbest." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) (Notices an uncredited cameo from Skeet Ulrich) And by the way, recognize that guy who's standing next to Sam Rockwell? That's Skeet Ulrich. Yep, F.P. Jones from Riverdale is in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"Boy, F.P. has a long criminal record. He was Ghostface, he was in the Foot and now he's in the Southside Serpents. Boy, Alice is definitely going to boink his brains out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Turtles engage in battle with the Foot and they take the fight to the streets and on the roof of an apartment building. By the way, does anyone in the building ever notice the commotion going on out there? I know that there's a couple in the building having sex and they're probably hearing the noise.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (While having sex) (Grunts) Hey, pipe down out there! We're trying to get busy in here! What was your name again?
Loni: Loni.
Sean: Loni, huh?
Loni: And don't you forget it.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) This scene has some silly lines from the Turtles and there's one line in that scene that's my favorite and it was in the trailer.
Michaelangelo: (After knocking out the Foot soldier) God, I love being a turtle!
Sean: (Narrating) After fighting the Foot, which was a warm-up before you fight the final boss, they finally come face to face with their adversary. The Shredder.
Shredder: You fight well in the old style but you've caused me enough trouble. Now you face The Shredder.
Donatello: The Shredder?
Michaelangelo: Um, maybe all that hardware's for making coleslaw.
Sean: (Narrating) So, just like in volume one of the TMNT comic, the Shredder kicks the Turtles asses, taking them out one by one. And they engage in a battle with the walking can-opener. Just like in the comic, except it's not bloody. In the comic, their battle with The Shredder was brutal. Well, in the comic they were raised and trained for the sole purpose of revenge. Hell, Leonardo stabbed the guy in his torso with his Katana. Now talk about brutal! Well, at least he gave him a cut on the arm in this movie. Anyway, The Shredder defeats the Turtles and as he prepares to kill Leonardo, Splinter appears and reveals the Shredder's identity. He is revealed to be Oroku Saki.
Shredder: (After removing his mask and revealing his scar) You. Now I will finish what I began with your ear.
"Oh, boy. This is going to be the mother of all battles. Get ready, guys. This is going to be good." Sean said.
(Saki charges at Splinter with his yari and yells)
"Oh, this is going to be good! Here it comes! Kick his ass, Splinter!" Sean yelled while eating a bucket of popcorn.
(Splinter ensnares Saki's yari with Michaelangelo's nunchaku, leaving him dangling over the edge of the roof)
Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you.
(Saki reaches behind his back and pulls out a knife)
Splinter: For when you die, it will…
(Saki throws the knife at Splinter. Splinter catches the knife, releasing the nunchaku as Saki screams and falls to his death into a garbage truck)
Splinter: Without honor.
"Oh, what the hell? What the hell?! The Shredder kicked the Turtles asses, yet he trips like a cartoon character while trying to attack Splinter. That was awful. That's not a battle. Come on, give us a better final battle. Look, he probably survived from that fall, I guess they're setting up a potential sequel for this movie. I'm pretty sure we'll see The Shredder again and have a better final battle." Sean said.
Casey Jones: Oops!
(Casey pulls the lever on the garbage truck to activate the compactor, crushing the Shredder. We see his helmet getting crushed)
"Whoa! What the hell?! This was supposed to be a kid's movie. You just shown Casey Jones committing murder! You can't show murder in a kid's film!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm are shown. We see the death scenes of the characters Chuckie Sol and Buzz Bronski, Salvatore Valestra's smiling corpse and Carl Beaumont's off-screen death but we hear Andrea screaming)
"Except if that movie is Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, then yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the cops arrive and arrest the foot soldiers, Danny and his dad reconcile, April gets her job back and her and Casey get together as the Turtles watch as the two kiss. Reunited with their master Splinter and the day saved as they celebrate their victory but before the film ends, Splinter has one thing to say.
Splinter: I have always liked…Cowabunga.
Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Dontaello: Cowabunga!
Splinter: I've made a funny! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) And our tale ends as the credits roll with that awesome song by Partners in Kryme called Turtle Power.
"And that was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And it kicks ass!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the film start playing)
Sean: (Narrating) This film marks the end of the 80s and the beginning of the 90s. This movie was an exciting part of my childhood and when I've watched this movie, I saw the perfect attempt of a live-action movie. The movie has taken elements from the comics and the animated series like Shredder's red outfit from the comic and some of the humorous aspects taken from the cartoon. The movie was slick, edgy, had some of it's dark moments and funny. You have a great story, a talented cast of characters and that awesome TMNT theme and music score by English composer John Du Prez, who composed the music for Monty Python's The Meaning of Life and A Fish Called Wanda. And yes, Partners in Kryme's Turtle Power is catchy as hell. I tend to sit through the credits just to listen to the song. I consider this to be the best adaptation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For those of you who are new to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, check this film out. I give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 5 pizza slices out of 5.
"And for those of you who are asking me if I'm going to review the 2014 film version that's produced by Michael Bay, it'll be a cold day in Hell if I review something by Michael Bay. Look what he did with the Transformers film series. Except for the first one. That was awesome and so was The Rock. It was awesome as well. So, those are the only two films from Michael Bay that I like. Oh, and the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th as well. Hell, the only reason why I watch it are for the gratuitous tit shots. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as the TMNT theme song from the 1987 animated series plays right when he leaves the living room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Cowabunga!
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of TMNT '90. I hope that you all like the review and this movie was a big part of my childhood and I wanted to review it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's going to be a review of Halloween II (the 1981 version, not the Rob Zombie version) which is going to be a co-review with fellow Fanfiction writer and friend Boris Yeltsin, he's also a fan of the Halloween movies or a review of the 1995 film Mortal Kombat. Which one should I do next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I have some news regarding this story, in October I will be starting Halloween Havoc in honor of Halloween when I take a look at some Halloween movies. Also, I have some sad news. Hollywood has lost a great actor, Oscar-nominated actor Burt Reynolds died today. I was hearbroken by the news because he was one of my favorite actors. Smokey and the Bandit was my great-grandmother's favorite movie and it was my favorite movie too. I might review Smokey and the Bandit in honor of Burt Reynolds. Well, I did review All Dogs Go to Heaven. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.