The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a look at one of the best video game movie adaptations ever. He is going to take a look at the 1995 film Mortal Kombat. And this time, this is another co-review and co-reviewing it with me is fellow writer UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. We're both big fans of the movie and we're both reviewing it. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Mortal Kombat is owned by New Line Cinema, Threshold Entertainment and Midway Games.
Episode Thirty-Two
Mortal Kombat
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said after he sits down on his couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about today's film. "Okay, we all know this simple rule. Video games are awesome."
We see posters of video games like Marvel's Spider-Man, Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare, the Batman: Arkham trilogy and the Uncharted series are shown while a guitar riff plays in the background.
"Movies are awesome." Sean said.
We then see posters for movies like Tag, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, The Simpsons Movie, Smokey and the Bandit, Die Hard and Total Recall are shown.
"Movies based on video games fucking suck!" Sean exclaimed as posters for bad video game movies like Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros., Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Rampage, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Doom are shown as we hear a crowd of people booing.
(Clips of different video game movies are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Why is it that Hollywood tend to mess it up for people who love both video games and movies. We've seen this happen all the time. I mean, we've got the 1989 film The Wizard starring Fred Savage, which I thought it was an okay film. But in 1993, Hollywood thought it would be a great idea to make a movie based on a video game. And of course I'm talking about Super Mario Bros., and what a trainwreck it was. The film starred Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario and Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King Koopa. I can tell you right now I really hated this movie when I was a kid since I was a big fan of Super Mario. Then, a year later, two film were released and they were both based on two awesome video games. Double Dragon and Street Fighter. And no surprise, they suck balls. Although, I did enjoy Street Fighter mostly because of the late Raul Julia's performance as M. Bison.
(A clip from Street Fighter is shown)
M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia) Of course!
Sean: (Narrating) We've seen this happen with films like Tekken, DOA: Dead or Alive, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, Rampage, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Doom and The King of Fighters. And as a fan of these video games, we tend to get pissed off about it.
"But once in a while, there is a good movie based on a video game. And today's movie is a good example of how to do a video game movie right." Sean said, clearing his throat before saying the title of the movie. "MORTAL KOMBAT!"
(The title of the movie is shown along with clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 18, 1995. Released a year later after Street Fighter, which was released in 1994. You thought we've learned our lesson after Street Fighter. But when I saw this movie when I was about 5 or 6 years old at the time, I enjoyed it.
"But before I begin the review, I'm letting you guys know that today's review is another co-review but this time, I'm doing it with my good friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever." Sean said.
"Feels pretty damn good to be here, my friend. Although you can call me Lucas for short." Lucas said to his friend. "I never been this psyched since Burger King brought back Surge."
"For those of you who haven't heard of Mortal Kombat, let us give you a brief history on the franchise." Sean said.
(Footage from the arcade game is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The game was developed and published by the defunct Midway Games back in 1992 in arcades and in 1993 it was released on every home video game platform like the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. The game takes place on an island in Earthrealm, where a tournament is being held at Shang Tsung's island and Shang Tsung is an evil Sorcerer who wants to, you guessed it, take over the world.
(A clip from Street Fighter is shown)
M. Bison: Of course!
(A barrage of clips from separate Mortal Kombat games start playing around)
Lucas: (Narrating) From there on, it would go on to become not just one of the greatest fighting game franchises of the decade, but without any doubt, it would become one of the greatest video game franchises of all time. There would be sequels and spin-offs to Mortal Kombat of all kinds. Not also that, but it had cartoons such as Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm, comic books, action figures, and not to mention that awesome movie that we're covering right now. And the sequel after that, well… that ain't what we're talking about. Plus, this video game also holds a special significance because it was one of the very few games that caused the formation of what we like to call ESRB, the Entertainment Software Ratings Board.
Sean: (Narrating) This video game is so violent, Senator Joseph Lieberman attacked this game and Night Trap for their violent content. How violent is it? Really graphic and bloody. In fact, here's various footage of different fatalities in the games.
(Footage from various Mortal Kombat games are shown, like Sub-Zero ripping out Kano's spine from MK1, Liu Kang doing a cartwheel kick and uppercutting Reptile from MKII, Nightwolf performing the Bell Tower stage fatality on Sheeva from MK3, Scorpion performing the "Toasty" fatality on Fujin from MK4)
Toasty Guy: Toasty! 3D!
Lucas: (Narrating) I'll tell you, if that's not America, I don't know what is.
Sean: (Narrating) When I was around five years old, my mother gave me Mortal Kombat Trilogy on the Nintendo 64 and I also got the action figures. Not to mention, my grandmother gave me the movie on VHS for Christmas.
Lucas: (Narrating) And of course, my first exposure of Mortal Kombat was at my cousin's house at Oklahoma. I was six years old and the game my cousin possessed was Mortal Kombat II for the Genesis. Of course, it was way back in 1994, of course. Now this is 2018, and it's safe to say as a 29-year-old living from Arkansas, I have never looked back.
"Now, I'm not the one to nitpick on an awesome movie, but there is a problem with this movie. What's the main problem with this movie, well I can give you four syllables: PG-13." Sean said as the PG-13 rating appears. "Now the biggest question is, how will they fit all that gore into a PG-13 movie? Heck, we've seen that happen with Tomb Raider starring Alicia Vikander and the 2010 video game reboot was rated M for bloody violence and showing all the gruesome ways to kill Lara Croft. And then there's Assassin's Creed starring Michael Fassbender and that game series was rated M too. Yeah, two more video game movies that are rated PG-13. But aside from that, we don't see any gruesome decapitations in the film adaptation of Mortal Kombat. Hell, I was expecting to see someone getting cut in half."
Goro (Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): Disgusting.
"Yeah, like what Goro says." Lucas nodded. "Anyway, grab your Mountain Dew Code Red and Spicy Nacho Doritos, because we're giving this review the best damn flawless victory it achieves. Let's take a look at the video game movie done right – MORTAL KOMBAT!"
(The main titles of the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with the main title sequence showing the Dragon symbol and we get the most kick-ass theme that I've ever heard in my life.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays)
And then all of a sudden, both Sean and Lucas immediately danced to the theme song, moving their bodies to the intense beat.
"I am on Cloud Nine right now!" Lucas shouted to his friend while shaking his bag of Doritos to the beat.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome song, we cut to a Shaolin temple, where we see a young fighter named Chan, played by Steven Ho, who's about to confront the evil sorcerer and the main antagonist of the film named Shang Tsung, played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa from the live-action film adaptation of Tekken, the Disney Channel original movie Johnny Tsunami, Showdown in Little Tokyo with Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee and Kickboxer 2: The Road Back with Sasha Mitchell aka Cody Lambert from Step by Step.
"Oooooh, this is gonna be quite interesting, I can tell." Lucas said as he opened up his bag of Doritos and munched on a chip. "My money's on the short man in red."
"Well, let's see how this fight goes. I have hope in Chan." Sean said as he opened up a bottle of Samuel Adams Boston Lager and took a sip.
(Chan tries to kick Shang Tsung, Shang Tsung dodges the attack and blocks Chan's kick. Chan can't land a single hit on the evil sorcerer as Shang Tsung lands a couple of hits on the young boy, then steps on his back as Chan screams in pain)
"Damn, there goes my $20." Lucas groaned at himself as he gave Sean twenty bucks.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Shang gives the viewer a very serious threat.
Shang Tsung (Played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa): Your brother's soul is mine.
Chan (Played by Steven Ho): Liu!
Shang Tsung: You will be next.
(Shang Tsung throws Chan down on the ground and then we see his face turn into a rotting skeletal corpse, until we see our main character Liu Kang waking up from his nightmare)
"Jesus! That is one hell of a nightmare." Sean said.
"No kidding." Lucas nodded. "That image puts a damn creepypasty to shame."
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that it was a nightmare that our main hero Liu Kang, played by Robin Shou, was having and decides to head back home after receiving a message from his grandfather that his brother was murdered. And that brother was revealed to be Chan, the young fighter who was in the nightmare.
"And don't worry, this is not the only video game movie that Robin Shou will star in. There's the sequel to this amazing movie, the live-action film adaptation of DOA: Dead or Alive and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li." Sean said.
"By looking at him, I like how Liu Kang looks in the film." Lucas pointed out. "He looks like a Jackie Chan/Eddie Van Halen hybrid. By the way, I liked him in Beverly Hills Ninja though."
"Oh, yeah. He was in that movie. I liked that movie." Sean said.
"Who wouldn't?" Lucas shrugged.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a nightclub in Hong Kong, where we see a team of US Special Forces led by Sonya Blade, played by Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. Well, she was credited as Bridgette Wilson at the time before she married retired tennis player Pete Sampras in 2000.
"Pete Sampras is a lucky guy because his wife is hot and a total badass in the film." Sean said. "And yes, she was on Last Action Hero and she played smoking hot teacher Veronica Vaughn in Billy Madison the same year six months before Mortal Kombat was released."
(A photo of Bridgette Wilson-Sampras as Veronica Vaughn in Billy Madison is shown)
"I'll tell ya, she's so hot, I want to touch her hiney." Lucas smirked naughtily. "But then again, I don't wanna risk having a tennis racket shoved up my ass."
"Agreed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see Sonya and her partner Major Jackson Briggs aka Jax, played by the late Gregory McKinney, are tracking down an Australian crime lord named Kano, played by the late English actor Trevor Goddard, who you might recognize as Lt. Cmdr. Mic Crumby in the NBC/CBS show JAG. They're after Kano because he brutally murdered Sonya's old partner and we see that he's in cahoots with Shang Tsung and for some reason, Tsung wants Sonya to be on the boat.
Kano (Played by the late Trevor Goddard): Maybe me and Sonya should share a cabin. Have our own little honeymoon cruise.
Shang Tsung: If you so much as touch her, Kano…. (Reveals a blade) you're going to need a seeing eye dog.
"Okay, first off, that is one sick sexual fantasy of what Kano would do to Sonya. And two, is it just me or does Shang Tsung have a hard-on for Sonya?" Sean asked.
"Maybe because he's just a sick perv for her." Lucas smirked. "Who knows, maybe Shang T-Sung's got a shrine of her in his closet like in Hey Arnold."
(The scene then switches to Sonya blowing one of Shang Tsung's goons through a window with a shotgun)
Lucas: (Narrating) DAMN! Let's look at that part one more time!
(The scene plays back again)
"DAAAAMN!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, ever noticed that nobody reacted to the sound of gunfire that was going on while everybody was dancing on the dance floor? Look, I know that the music is loud in these places but at least react to when there's a shootout going on. What is this the same nightclub that Gary Busey and his men were running their drug operation at from Lethal Weapon?
"Either that or it could be the fact that everyone of these clubgoers think that the gunshots are part of the music." Lucas guessed out.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Kano escapes and then we cut to Los Angeles, where we are introduced to another character named Johnny Cage, played by Linden Ashby. Johnny is a Hollywood action movie star and a martial artist.
"And I have to say that Linden Ashby is the best part of the film." Sean said.
Johnny Cage (Played by Linden Ashby): Let's dance.
(Johnny knocks down three of the stuntmen, then goes for the fourth stuntman, giving him a few shots to the face with a couple of punches and ending it with a kick to the face as the fourth stuntman doesn't fall after taking a beating)
Johnny Cage: (To the stuntman) This is where you fall down.
(Stuntman falls)
Johnny Cage: Where do you get these guys? The press says I don't know how to do this stuff.
"Well, you were Sheriff Noah Stilinski from MTV's adaptation of Teen Wolf, so I think you've done pretty much alright for yourself, Mr. Cage." Lucas spoke to the camera with a wink. "Throughout the film, Johnny Cage somewhat acts like the comic relief out of all of the three we've introduced, and that's pretty much awesome. He's also like Xander McCormick cool."
Sean: (Narrating) We learn that Johnny is angry because the press believes that he's a fake. Tabloid news can bring up any stupid shit. He gets a visit from his old teacher Master Boyd, played by Peter Jason.
Master Boyd (Played by Peter Jason): Johnny, you're one of the best martial artists in the world and I can help you prove it.
Johnny Cage: Prove it? How?
"By playing Dr. Brett Cooper in Melrose Place for two seasons." Sean said as a photo of Linden Ashby as Dr. Brett Cooper pops up.
Master Boyd: A tournament. The tournament. It's held once a generation.
"Oh. Well. That works too." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, we soon find out after that little invitation that Master Boyd is actually nothing but Shang T-Sung in disguise using his awesome morphin powers. And no, if you're asking me, I'm not making any Power Ranger puns. They actually do have Shang's power down pretty good since most of the games involve him transforming into pretty much everyone.
Sean: (Narrating) We return to Liu Kang, who's returned to the Temple of the Order of Light and consults with his grandfather, played by the late Lloyd Kino. His grandfather tells Liu Kang about what his brother Chan was doing while he was in America, he was following Liu's footsteps and preparing for the tournament. So Liu wants to represent the order of light at the tournament because his brother's killer is going to be there. But the Chief Priest, played by John Fujioka, is not to skeptical.
Liu Kang: I want to represent the order of light at the tournament.
Chief Priest (Played by John Fujioka): For what reason?
Liu Kang: The man who killed my brother will be there.
Chief Priest: That cannot be your only reason for going, or you will fail.
Liu Kang: Oh, yes. I forgot, we're fighting for the fate of the world.
"Uh, gee, ya think, Liu Kang?" Lucas said with a scoff. "What's next? Is someone gonna fight to see who nails Kendra Lust first?"
"Or is someone gonna fight to see who bangs Natalia Starr first." Sean said.
"I'd be down for both right now…" Lucas smirked in a naughty way.
Sean: (Narrating) But then the god of thunder and the protector of Earthrealm himself Lord Raiden, played by Christopher Lambert from Highlander, makes his entrance.
Raiden (Played by Christopher Lambert): The Great Tournament was too much responsibility. But vengeance… that's so much simpler.
"Oh, boy. The amount of Highlander references that I'm gonna use for this review because Christopher Lambert is in this film." Sean chuckled a bit.
"I love how awesome his mullet is underneath that hat, though." Smirked Lucas.
Raiden: So, you're going to win the tournament?
Liu Kang: Yes, I am.
Raiden: Show me how.
(Liu Kang tries to go up against Raiden, but is stopped by his grandfather)
Raiden: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of a simple beggar.
Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) Well, no. Because why would I be afraid by…. (Screams)
(Raiden throws Liu Kang down on the ground after Liu tries to lunge at him)
Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) (Groaning) Okay, I'm convinced. He's the god of thunder.
"And here, I thought Thor was the only one." Lucas pointed out. "That totally gives me a good idea for the next Death Battle."
"Dude, that would be an awesome idea. Raiden vs. Thor: Death Battle. Make it happen." Sean points at the camera.
However, it wasn't until Lucas suddenly looked at his phone and gulped. "Oh, my bad. It seems to me that battle already happened. It was on YouTube six years ago."
"Damn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Liu storms off, we then cut to a dock at Chai Wan Bay, Hong Kong, where we find our three heroes waiting for the boat to arrive. We have Sonya and Jax keeping an eye out for Kano, Johnny Cage catches, uh, some guy that looks like Dave Chappelle reading a tabloid magazine until Johnny recognizes him.
Johnny Cage: Hey, you're Art Lean. Aren't you? Man, I saw you fight in London, you were great.
"I saw you in Half Baked. You were pretty hilarious in that film." Sean said, imitating Johnny Cage.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the guy playing Art Lean is not Dave Chappelle. He's played by Martial Artist Kenneth Edwards. For those of you who are wondering if Art Lean ever appeared in the games, he didn't. He was created exclusively for the movie.
Art Lean (Played by Kenneth Edwards): I saw a couple of your films. Listen, you can't fake those me.
Sean: (Narrating) And I know that I'm not imagining this but Art Lean looks like Dave Chappelle. Have you ever noticed that?
"I was expecting him to say this line." Sean said.
Art Lean: (His dialogue is replaced by Dave Chappelle's dialogue from his stand-up special) I want that purple stuff.
"If that actually happened for real, the movie would have earned gigantic money, Avengers-style." Lucas smirked out.
Lucas: (Narrating) After Cage's little encounter with the man from Robin Hood: Men In Tights, we finally see Johnny Cage and Liu Kang meet up for the first time, and well…. Yeah, see why here.
Liu Kang: You want me to carry your luggage?
Johnny Cage: (Pulls out some money) Yeah. I pay money. You carry the bags. Or is that too complicated?
Liu Kang: No. (Takes the money out of Cage's hand) I got it.
Johnny Cage: Good.
(Liu picks up Johnny's luggage and tosses it into the water)
Johnny Cage: Thank God I didn't ask him to park the car.
"Not cool, Liu." Sean shook his head in disappointment.
"Seriously? Who in the blue fuck does that?" Lucas asked Sean before saying with example. "It's almost like buying that NES Classic that you want, only for you to give it to your friend so that he could chuck it at the street and see it get run over by a Ferrari! What a dick move, Liu Kang."
Sean: (Narrating) The boat arrives and everyone, including Johnny Cage and Liu Kang hop aboard. And as for Sonya, she spots Kano and follows him on the boat.
Jax (Played by the late Gregory McKinney): Sonya, don't get on that thing. Hey, Sonya!
"Don't worry, Jax. She'll catch up with you in the sequel but you will be played by a different actor and so will Sonya." Sean said.
"Except your arms will pretty much be long F'N gone." Lucas smirked on behalf of Jax.
Sean: (Narrating) As they board the boat, Johnny goes to confront Liu about his luggage until he has a run-in with Sonya.
Johnny Cage: (While Sonya is pointing a gun at him) I'm Johnny Cage. And you are?
Sonya Blade (Played by Bridgette Wilson): Where's Kano?
Johnny Cage: I don't know who you're talking about. But I'm sure I can help you find him.
Sonya Blade: Out of my way.
(Sonya looks for Kano)
Liu Kang: Just another starstruck fan, huh?
"Ladies and gentlemen, the future parents of Cassie Cage." Sean said.
"Damn right. Cassie's definitely got her mom's good looks and her dad's smartass mouth." Lucas smirked again.
Lucas: (Narrating) Plus, I just love that the boat they're on looks that close to a pirate ship. Makes me wonder if Cervantes from Soul Calibur is gonna pop out and scare the ever-loving shit out of Johnny.
Sean: (Narrating) Sonya searches for Kano on the ship until she is greeted by Shang Tsung.
Shang Tsung: It's an honor to finally meet you, Sonya. Shang Tsung at your service.
Sonya Blade: I'm looking for a murderer. He boarded this ship.
Shang Tsung: I'm impressed. But it is my boat, and if you like a tour, I'd love to give it to you myself.
"Oh, man. He'd love to show Sonya the master bedroom. Come on! He wants to tap that hot piece of Special Forces ass." Sean smirked.
"That dude is almost like an Asian Hugh Hefner." Lucas smirked out. "God rest his soul."
Lucas: (Narrating) It doesn't last long between the two as she, Liu and Johnny get their first glimpse of two of Mortal Kombat's fan favorites, Scorpion and Sub-Zero. And I have to say, they don't look too bad here in the film.
Sonya Blade: (Points her gun at Sub-Zero) Move aside.
(Sub-Zero freezes Sonya's gun and breaks it in half)
"Well, she should've said "Freeze"." Sean said. "I apologize for that bad pun."
"I thought that was spot-on." Lucas nodded over Sean.
Sean: (Narrating) But before a big brouhaha starts between our three heroes and Shang Tsung's minions, Raiden jumps in and stops the whole show before somebody performs a Brutality.
Raiden: Enough!
Shang Tsung: Lord Raiden. How good of you to grace us with your presence.
Raiden: Your sideshow freaks attacked my fighters. That is expressly forbidden before the tournament as your emperor well knows.
Shang Tsung: My sincere apologies.
"Come on, Shang T-Sung. Don't you know the rules on immortals? Never fight on holy ground. This is holy ground." Sean said, referencing the movie Highlander.
"Yeah, fighting only works on holy ground. That's the main rule." Lucas pointed out again.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Shang Tsung, Sub-Zero and Scorpion back off, Raiden explains to our three heroes the outcome of the tournament and why they have been chosen to defend Earthrealm.
Sonya Blade: Defend it from who?
Raiden: Your world is but one of many realms. One of them is a forsaken land called Outworld, ruled by an immortal who has crowned himself emperor.
"And he's one of the cheapest bastards that keeps kicking your ass all the time until you start raging like Angry Grandpa. May he rest in peace." Sean said.
"Trust me, he's cheap in this movie just like in the game itself." Lucas replied before turning to Sean. "By the way, which one are we talking about? Shang T-Sung or that Shao Kahn fella?"
"Oh, I'm talking about Shao Kahn." Sean said.
"Oh, thank goodness for that." Lucas said, breathing a sigh of relief.
Raiden: The essence of Mortal Kombat is not about death but life. Mortal men and women defending their own world.
Lucas: (V/O as Raiden) Not to mention eating Doritos, drinking Coke and binge-watching Sailor Moon Crystal.
Raiden: One of you will decide the outcome of the tournament. The fate of billions will depend upon you. (Laughs) Sorry.
"That's not funny, you insensitive fuck. You don't joke about the lives of people. What kind of Highlander are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive at the island where the tournament is taken place. During their arrival, we get some of Johnny's wacky antics.
Johnny Cage: While you're at it, why don't you call my agent.
Sonya Blade: Do I look like your secretary?
(We see Johnny having a difficult time getting off of the boat while carrying his luggage until he falls into the water)
Sonya Blade: Where the hell are we?
Johnny Cage: Do I look like your travel agent?
"Well, Johnny's uniform does look like one, I can tell." Lucas pointed out once more before popping another Dorito in his mouth.
Sean: (Narrating) As they arrive at the island, Liu Kang spots a beautiful woman and he instantly falls head over heels for her. The woman's name is Princess Kitana, the stepdaughter of the emperor of Outworld, played by Talisa Soto.
Johnny Cage: You know, when a woman looks at you like that it usually means something.
"It usually means that when a woman looks at you like that, she totally wants to bone you." Sean said, winking naughtily.
Sean: (Narrating) Fearing that Kitana will betray him, Shang Tsung sends Reptile, who's in his reptilian form, to keep them away from her and to keep an eye on her.
"Fun fact: Talisa Soto and Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa both appeared in the James Bond movie License to Kill back in 1989. Talisa played a smokin' hot Bond girl named Lupe, the girlfriend of drug kingpin Franz Sanchez and Cary played a Hong Kong narcotics officer named Kwang." Sean said.
"Being in a James Bond movie must have a lot of benefits." Lucas smirked with his mouth full. "Speaking of which, Kitana's so hot it's starting to give me the munchies just by looking at her hotness."
Sean: (Narrating) Later on, Shang Tsung welcomes everyone with a gigantic feast and gives them a taste of things to come at the tournament courtesy of Sub-Zero and his victim, I mean, combatant. And this happens.
(The guard charges at Sub-Zero with a flying kick but Sub-Zero freezes him and his body shatters into pieces until you see his head rolling towards Shang Tsung's feet)
Shang Tsung: Flawless victory.
"Yeah, that's pretty much a flawless victory and a fatality." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Flawless victory.
(The word "Fatality" pops up on the screen)
Announcer: Fatality!
"I'll tell ya, that's a pretty good effect." Lucas nodded. "This is what would've happened if Mortal Kombat got turned into a laserdisc game."
"Also, I liked how they used one of Sub-Zero's fatalities from Mortal Kombat II, where he throws an ice ball and they shatter. Well, this is deep freeze combined with ice ball and that dude ends up shattered." Sean said.
"Damn good combo. Speaking of which…" Lucas nodded right away before asking Sean. "Dorito, my man?"
"Sure." Sean said, taking a Dorito from out of the bag.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu goes after Shang Tsung, with Sonya and Johnny Cage tagging along but with Sonya looking for Kano, and while they're tracking down the evil soul-snatching sorcerer, they come across a shadow of a menacing creature.
(Liu, Sonya and Johnny see a shadow of a four-armed creature and a loud roaring sound his heard before the shadow walks away)
Johnny Cage: (Whispering) Sonya. You go ahead. Find out what that was. Liu and I will wait here.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, that's real manly of you, Johnny. Send Sonya to find out what that was since you're scared of it.
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Oh, you are such a wuss.
Sean: (Narrating) They end up finding Kano, who's stuffing his leg with a turkey drumstick and he is seen talking to Shang Tsung's right-hand man named Prince Goro, he's played by special effects designer Tom Woodruff Jr. and is voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, who's voice you might recognize in every single animated movie, show and video game. Goro is the undefeated champ of Mortal Kombat over the past nine tournaments and here's a little thing about Goro, he's prince of a species of half man, half dragon people known as the Shokan, they have four arms and they're brutal. Also, he has a brother named Kintaro. I guess they're brothers. I don't know, I'm trying to figure that one out.
Goro (Played by Tom Woodruff Jr. and voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): That was his intention. Shang Tsung is a great sorcerer. The wise cultivate his favor. Those who challenge his power become his slaves.
"Okay, if this movie was made today, then they would've made Goro CGI. I love what they did with Goro in this film, no use of CGI, just puppetry. He looks awesome." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Almost looks so frickin' real that it's quite scary in a fascinating way." Lucas nodded from that point on.
"I know. And I was scared of that guy when I was little but he looked awesome." Sean said.
"Yeah, just the size of this motherfucker is enough to give Shaq a run for his money." Lucas added in unison.
Sean: (Narrating) Shang Tsung appears and he talks to Kano and Goro and he tells Kano that Sonya is not to be harmed, only humiliated.
Shang Tsung: I have plans for my beautiful Sonya.
Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Which means I want to touch her hiney.
Sean: (Narrating) He also warns Goro that Liu Kang is competing in the tournament and he's concerned about Princess Kitana that she might help out our warriors.
Goro: Why should I worry about her?
Shang Tsung: Princess Kitana is 10, 000 years old and the rightful heir to the throne of Outworld.
"You know, for a princess who's 10, 000 years old, she sure is smoking hot." Sean smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes are soon discovered when Shang Tsung sends some of his goons to take them out.
(The theme music starts as the guards appear)
Johnny Cage: We got company.
"Okay, when that song plays you know what that means…." Sean said.
"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Shouted out both Lucas and Sean, channeling their inner MK announcer.
(Liu, Johnny and Sonya fight the guards until the scene ends with the announcer saying "Mortal Kombat")
"Whoa, now that… was a frickin' fangasm there!" Lucas said with a wide smirk.
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome fight scene, Raiden shows up and he claps his hands sarcastically at their performance, then points to more guards who are about to attack them.
Raiden: (Stops them) Uh-uh. (Lighting comes off his fingertip) I don't think so.
(Raiden chuckles and lighting flashes in his eyes)
"Oh, glad that you've showed up Raiden and thanks for not helping us out while we were kicking their asses." Sean said sarcastically.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the tournament begins as we see Liu Kang fighting his first opponent, uh some Jamaican guy. I'm sorry but who the fuck are you? Have I seen you in the game before?
"I guess he's a hidden character in the game." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The Mortal Kombat character select screen is shown with the music from the Sega Genesis game plays and we see the Jamaican Guy's picture in between Kano and Sub-Zero's pictures)
Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Jamaican Guy.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Knowing nobody named him at all, I can only assume he must be a long-lost Marley brother." Lucas pointed out.
Lucas: (Narrating) So far, this fight begins when Asian Eddie Van Halen aka Liu Kang and the long-lost Marley brother, we'll call him No-Name, decide to have a weird stick-measuring contest for no reason.
"Well, what do you know, that stick is just Batman's size." Lucas chuckled, making a dirty reference.
Sean almost chokes on his beer after he started laughing from the dirty joke Lucas made.
"Okay, now that was a good one." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu Kang stands victorious in the fight and as for No-Name, he's not so lucky.
Shang Tsung: Your soul is mine.
Warrior: No!
(Shang Tsung takes No-Name's soul.)
Shang Tsung: Fatality.
"Okay, one: that's not a fatality. How can taking someone's soul be a fatality? It's just like doing a cartwheel kick and an uppercut and you call it a fatality. And two: what was up with that Jamaican dude changing color after Shang steals his soul?" Sean asked.
"From right here, he looks like he could be one of the Smurfs, except if he was Jamaican… and dead." Lucas uttered out.
Sean: (Narrating) Next up is Sonya and Shang Tsung has a very special surprise for her.
Shang Tsung: I have something for you, my dear.
Sonya Blade: I don't want anything from you.
Shang Tsung: On the contrary. I have something you want very much. You can thank me later.
"Shang's not gonna give Sonya the D, isn't he?" Lucas asked Sean. I bet he's gonna give her some D."
"Actually, it's something else." Sean said.
(Kano appears and blows a kiss at Sonya)
Kano: (Chuckles) Hello, baby. Did you miss me?
"Damn, Shang teased us. That bastard." Lucas muttered, feeling a bit letdown.
Lucas: (Narrating) Well, it appears that Shang's "surprise" happens to be none other than Kano, infamous mercenary of the Black Dragons. Plus knowing from his accent, he's also known for this.
(A clip of Kano from Mortal Kombat X plays)
Kano: That's not a knife.
(Kano pulls out his knife)
Kano: Now look at this. This little baby brings back memories, now doesn't it?
Sonya Blade: What did you use it to knife your mother in the back?
"OHHHHHHHHH!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After he taunts Sonya with the knife he killed her partner with, Kano is gonna learn what happens when you fuck with Ms. Vaughn.
(The scene plays out as Sonya fights Kano)
"Yeah, that's right Sonya. Give that shrimp on the Barbie the ol' what for." Sean smirked.
(Sonya gives Kano a few good hits, the Kano backhands her in the face)
"Well, that's definitely wasn't lady-like." Lucas shook his head in response.
(Kano kicks Sonya in the stomach. Sonya groans in pain)
Kano: Does it hurt, baby?
"Oh, you bitch! You're a bitch, Kano! I'm opting for Option F, for FUCK HIS ASS UP!" Sean yelled.
(Sonya gets Kano's head caught in a head scissors with her legs while Shang Tsung watches)
Shang Tsung: Yes.
"Yes, she's turning me on more than Karlie Montana." Sean said, imitating Shang Tsung.
"Heck, even Cali Carter for me." Lucas smirked, thinking of the same thing Sean was thinking.
(The clip then transitions to Sonya taking down Kano with her legs and then choking Kanon around his neck with her legs, forcing him to beg.
Kano: No, Sonya. Don't. Oh, give me a break.
"Hmmmm, what do you think, Sean? Should Sonya give him a break?" Lucas asked Sean.
"Sure." Sean nodded. "Sonya, what do you think?"
Sonya Blade: Okay.
Lucas then smirked ahead and said, "Well, it's like what the great David Lee Roth says, "One break… coming uuuuuuuuuuup!"!"
(Sonya breaks Kano's neck, killing him)
"Well, in the words of an old McDonald's commercial from the 1970s, "He deserved that break today."." Sean smirked.
"Probably would've settled for a Kit-Kat bar too." Lucas nodded out.
(Clip then transitions to Johnny Cage walking alone in the woods)
Lucas: (Narrating) We now get our next fight in the form of Johnny Cage and our dear Ninja Spectre from Hell, Scorpion. And out of all of these fights, this one's my personal favorite for many reasons. One, Johnny Cage nearly dresses like ProJared. Two, punches, kicks and flips that would turn WWE upside down. And three? Well… you know why after the fight.
Sean: (Narrating) I like how they got Ed Boon to voice Scorpion even though he voiced the character in the game.
Scorpion (Voiced by Ed Boon): Get over here!/Come here!/Welcome./Get down here!
"Is it just me or does Scorpion like to end his sentence with the word 'here' all the time?" Lucas raised his eyebrow in question.
"Interesting question. I'm glad that he didn't say "Welcome here", because that wouldn't make any sense." Sean said.
"No crap." Nodded Lucas.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, when both Scorpion and Johnny meet one-on-one for the first time, our favorite hellacious ninja greets Johnny with his little buddy in the form of everyone's favorite MK move, the Spear.
(A clip of Goldberg spearing Brock Lesnar at WWE Survivor Series 2016 is shown)
"No, not that spear!" Lucas shook his head. "I mean, THIS Spear."
Scorpion: Get over here!
(Scorpion throws his Spear at Johnny and it chases him through the woods)
"That move never gets old. Also, I might have a dirty mind but why does Scorpion's hand looks like a vagina being penetrated?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow.
Sean: (Narrating) Do I have to censor out Scorpion's hand? I mean, it looks like Tiffany Watson getting penetrated by Kieran Lee in a Brazzers video.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, the spear falls short of it's prey when Johnny manages to outsmart Scorpion, forcing Scorp's little buddy to get tangled up in a tree. Our favorite actor doesn't get time to rest as Scorpion, doing a nice little cart-wheel for a little entrance, decides to attack Cage with his Spear for a second time when…
(Scorpion tries to get Cage with another Spear move, but Cage moves out of the way, forcing the Spear to miss and strike a tree instead)
"He shoots and misses!" Lucas smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's Johnny's turn to attack when he tries to Shadow Kick Scorpion, but our favorite Ninja Spectre sends him to Hell.
(A clip from Tales from the Hood is shown)
Mr. Simms (Played by Clarence Williams III): Welcome to Hell, motherfuckers!
Scorpion: Welcome!
(Johnny turns and sees Scorpion. Scorpion punches Johnny in the face and the fight scene plays out)
"Now this is what I'm talking about." Lucas smirked with a mouthful of Doritios. "This fight between Johnny and Scorpion is so fast-paced and intense, it'll have more action than a Scoreland scene starring Bambi Blacks."
Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get intense as Scorpion removes his mask, revealing his Skeletor face with flaming eyeballs until Johnny gives Scorpion a spear of his own.
(A clip of Edge spears Jeff Hardy in Wrestlemania X-Seven is shown)
"Wrong spear!" Sean rolled his eyes.
(Johnny, now armed with a spear and a bladed shield, throws the spear at Scorpion's arm, cutting him as we see fire and magma spewing out)
"Oh, shit!" Sean almost spits out his beer. "Scorpion is bleeding fire and magma. What the heck?"
"Okay, I'm pretty sure THAT ain't possible!" Lucas pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Johnny defeats Scorpion by slashing him in the chest and part of his skull with the shield and Scorpion's head starts exploding like that dude from David Cronenberg's Scanners.
(Johnny runs as Scorpion explodes. We see parts of Scorpion's body lying around until we see an autographed photo of Johnny Cage that says, "To my greatest fan. Johnny Cage", written on it)
"Now wait a minute, where did Scorpion get an autographed photo of Johnny Cage?" Sean asked.
"I don't know, maybe it kinda fell out from Cage's pants themselves." Lucas guessed out. "That dude needs to take better care of his stuff."
"That's why I always keep my autographed photos of celebrities in a portfolio book. Johnny, learn to take better care of your stuff." Sean said, shaking his head.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome fight scene, we go back to Liu Kang and he's on the beach, preparing to go up against his next opponent. And we see that his next opponent is…
(Shang Tsung points to Liu Kang's next opponent. Liu turns around and sees that his next opponent is Kitana as sexy porno music starts playing)
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Hellooooooooo Nurse!
"DAMN!" Lucas shouted in pure arousal. "I bet there were a lot of boners increased with that outfit."
Sean: (Narrating) The fight begins and… damn! Kitana's fine as fuck. Anyway, during the fight, Kitana gives Liu some tips on how to win his next match.
Kitana (Played by Talisa Soto): To win your next match, use the element which brings life.
Liu Kang: What?
Shang Tsung: Kitana!
(Liu flips Kitana over and gets her in an arm lock)
Kitana: Remember my words.
"I'll try to remember your words and I want you to keep wearing that outfit because my dragon is rising." Sean smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) After defeating Kitana and Shang Tsung is disappointed with her, Liu moves on to his next match and this time his next opponent is cool as ice.
(A clip from Cool as Ice is shown)
Johnny (Played by Vanilla Ice): Drop that zero and get with a hero.
"SHUT UP!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, Liu Kang's opponent is another MK fan fave in the form of Sub-Zero. And just to remind everyone watching, this is the Bi-Han version from the original Mortal Kombat. Just so we're crystal clear.
"I'm not gonna lie, we should've gotten a clip of Foreigner singing Cold As Ice instead of Vanilla Ice." Lucas reminded Sean.
"I haven't thought about that. Yeah, I should've used that clip instead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu fights Sub-Zero and this cold ninja has the upper hand against Liu for most of the fight. And when Sub-Zero uses his ice powers, Liu remembers a little tip from a smokin' hot 10,000 year old princess.
Kitana: Use the element which brings life.
(Liu sees the water that was spilled out of the bucket that was knocked down getting frozen from Sub-Zero's powers)
Liu Kang: Water.
"Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu grabs a hold of a bucket of water and starts swinging it around while the water stays in the bucket even though the water would just fly out of the bucket. And this results in Sub-Zero's attack backfiring on him.
(Liu throws the bucket of water at Sub-Zero. The water turns into an giant icicle, pinning Sub-Zero to a wall and killing him. We see Sub-Zero get frozen)
(A sound clip from Suburban Commando plays)
Charlie Wilcox (Played by Christopher Lloyd): I was frozen today!
"Sorry, that had to be done." Sean chuckled.
"Sounds way better than that Vanilla Ice atrocity." Nodded Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) After Liu defeats Sub-Zero, we now cut to Prince Goro who's sitting on his throne in his lair as Shang Tsung permits him to fight.
Goro: Is it time?
(A clip from Invasion U.S.A. is shown)
Matt Hunter (Played by Chuck Norris): It's time.
Shang Tsung: We've let these humans win enough.
Goro: At last.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a montage of various fighters being thrown around like ragdolls by Goro and we get an awesome guitar riff. And after that, Art Lean, the Dave Chappelle looking dude goes up against Goro.
"Okay, my money's on brother man. I have faith in him." Sean said.
"You're on. $50 bucks says Goro owns his ass, Brock Lesnar-style." Lucas smirks, putting his $50 on the table.
"Alright." Sean said, putting $50 on the table as well.
(Art gives Goro a few good hits, but gets a beatdown from Goro before grabbing the dazed fighter)
Shang Tsung: Finish him!
Goro: Time to die.
Shang Tsung: Finish him.
(Goro gives Art the final blow)
"Damn!" Sean said, handing Lucas $50.
"Booyah, baby!" Lucas smirked happily in victory before declaring. "PlayStation Classic, here I come!"
Sean: (Narrating) After Goro defeats Art Lean, Shang Tsung proceeds to take Art's soul…. with his eye. Weird. Then, Raiden talks to our heroes and he tells them that they can defeat Goro and Shang Tsung but the only thing that is stopping them is their fears and they must face their fears to overcome them.
Raiden: You, Johnny, are afraid you're a fake, so you'll rush into any fight just to prove you're not. You'll fight… bravely enough… but foolishly… carelessly… and you'll be beaten. You, Sonya… are afraid to admit even you sometimes need help. If you are afraid to trust… you will lose.
Liu Kang: Wait. Wait. What about me?
"Yeah, what about Liu Kang?" Sean asked.
Raiden: You fear your own destiny.
"Well, that's some advice." Lucas rolled his eyes. "Next thing you know, Raiden tells me I fear rats. Which I totally do."
Lucas: (Narrating) However, it's now revealed that Johnny Cage wants to fight Goro in order to avenge his dead friend Art, revealing his plan to Sonya in a drop-dead sunset setting.
"And may I ask how I love this setting between the both of them right now?" Asked Lucas. "I'm gonna be biased here, but this looks like a scene somebody filmed for a Time-Life music infomercial. I can see it now…"
(Scene switches back to Johnny Cage and Sonya in the sunset, but this time, Lucas starts narrating the scene as if it was an actual Time-Life music infomercial)
Lucas: (Narrating) The romantic tunes… the sweet sounds… the relaxing atmosphere… and it's all a part of Time-Life's brand new collection called Sappy F***in' Love Songs. Includes hits such as I Just Wanna Stop by Gino Vannelli, Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue by Crystal Gayle, These 70's Songs Don't Make Any Sense About Mortal Kombat by Lucas Hackett, No One Will Get These Cause They Weren't Born In The 80's or 90's by Sean J. Archer, and the best song in the album, Johnny Cage and Sonya Walk Into A Sunset by Lucas Hackett. Plus 12 other mushy love songs that no one gave a stupid f**k about because they weren't born in either 80's or 90's, like my friend Sean put it. So order now toll-free at 1-800-DUMBASS. But please order right now. If you do, you'll receive a free copy of Brazzers Porn Tunes filled with actual love making sounds. Both are $49.99 so call now!
"I would soooooo buy that." Lucas smirked out.
Sean: (Narrating) Shang Tsung grants Johnny's request to challenge Goro and in exchange, he grants this…
Shang Tsung: In return I reserve the right to challenge the winner myself. Or another of my choosing. In a place designated by me for the final battle of the tournament.
"And the prize is you get to bang both Kali Roses and Cali Carter in a threesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Raiden steps in to try to stop the transaction but he's too late and he confronts Johnny about it. Then Johnny gives Raiden the most simple answer ever.
Raiden: What have you done?
Johnny Cage: I made a choice. This is our tournament, remember? Mortal Kombat. We fight it.
"Respect to you, my man." Lucas said with a respectful fist bump to Cage. "Let me tell ya, that dude fears nothing."
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the fight of the century as Goro goes up against his new victim, I mean challenger, Johnny Cage. And the fight begins as Johnny takes off his sunglasses and…..
(Goro grabs Johnny's sunglasses and crushes them)
"Oh, no you did not just crush Johnny's signature sunglasses! You are so gonna die tonight!" Sean points at Goro.
Goro: This puny mortal will be no problem. I'll crush him in one blow.
Johnny Cage: Alright. Let's dance.
"And cue one of Johnny Cage's signature moves in 3… 2… 1…" Sean said.
(Johnny Cage performs a split low enough for the actor to punch Goro right in the crotch, leaving the Shokan screaming in pain)
"OHHHHHHHHH!" Lucas hollered in excitement.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOH! He won't be able to use that while watching a Brazzers Hot and Mean video with Monique Alexander and Elsa Jean." Sean said. "So Johnny, how did that feel?"
Johnny Cage: Damn, that hurt.
Sean: (Narrating) Johnny runs off trying to trick Goro into following him and the Shokan takes the bait until Johnny gets the drop on him.
Johnny Cage: Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole.
"Don't worry, he'll still owe Johnny some sunglasses." Sean said.
(A clip from Mortal Kombat X is shown)
Goro: Johnny Cage.
Johnny Cage: Don't you owe me some sunglasses?
Goro: Here is what you are owed!
Sean: (Narrating) Johnny easily defeats Goro by thowing him off the edge of the mountain, but before Goro goes, Johnny has some parting words for the menacing Shokan.
Johnny Cage: This is where you fall down.
(Goro falls to his death and screams)
"To quote Michael "Pickleboy" Green from the Angry Grandpa video The PS4 Treasure Hunt, "Happy trails, motherfucker!"." Sean said.
"That's gotta be one long fall." Lucas nodded out. "I heard if you put your hand right to your ear, you can still hear Goro scream."
Lucas: (Narrating) The celebration doesn't last long though as Sonya is now in the clutches of Mr. Shang T-Sung. Which obviously means that he's kidnapping her for either his sidekicks or just having the possibility of Sonya being Shang's sex slave.
Shang Tsung: I hearby exercise my right to challenge. I challenge her!
"More like dominating her." Sean said.
"Damn right, buddy." Lucas said, high-fiving him.
"Yeah." Sean said, high-fiving Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) As Shang kidnaps Sonya, it's up to Liu and Johnny to enter the portal to Outworld, where they run into an unexpected guest.
"Ooh ooh ooh, I know what it is." Lucas said, raising his hand t him before guessing. "Does it rhyme it Sleptile?"
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!" Sean said. "Give that man a prize."
"Sweet!" Lucas squealed in delight. "What do I win?"
"You get to sit through and watch another fight scene." Sean said.
"Boo-yah!" Lucas shouted in victory.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu comes across the beast known as Reptile and he throws him into a statue that grabs him with tentacles and he goes into his humanoid form.
(The Shao Kahn voice clip from Mortal Kombat II is heard)
Shao Kahn: Reptile.
"Oh, thanks for letting us know that it was Reptile, movie. We didn't know that it was him because he was a statue that captures a bad CGI reptile. Shouldn't you just have him in his humanoid form like in the games?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Nowadays he nearly looks like an actual reptile." Lucas said, bringing up Reptile's appearance in Mortal Kombat 9 and X.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, we get one intense fight between man and a freaky snake-like lizard. And I gotta say, it's very fast-paced like the Cage vs. Scorpion encounter, except the fact that Reptile smells like a dirty sweatshirt.
Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to point out was that mouth on the mask necessary? But you want to know what I like about this scene was that Liu Kang used his bicycle kick move on Reptile.
"Although, I feel there's something missing in this scene. Oh, I know. This little sound effect." Sean pointed.
(The Liu Kang Bicycle Kick sound clip from Mortal Kombat II plays right when Liu Kang performs his Bicycle Kick move on Reptile)
"It would be awesome if that move was done in real life." Lucas smirked before pondering. "I wonder how…?"
Knowing how much he wanted to be sure, Lucas got off the couch and backed away from the furniture. He then took a deep breathy and dashed his feet in the air…
…
…
…
…only to fall on his ass.
"Owww…" Lucas groaned painfully. "I was wrong. It can't be done."
"Are you alright?" Sean asked, helping Lucas up.
"I think so. My ass is getting sore." Lucas nodded, giving him the OK.
Sean: (Narrating) After Liu Kang bicycle kicks Reptile's ass, Reptile turns back into a statue and a bunch of bugs and worms come out of him, Liu delivers the final blow on the reptilian menace.
Liu Kang: Oh, no you don't.
(Liu Kang steps and squishes Reptile, killing him as we get a shot of bugs crawling out)
Kitana: Well done.
(Liu Kang turns and sees Kitana)
Kitana: You're finally learning, Liu Kang.
Liu Kang: Kitana.
Kitana: Come with me.
"Don't mind if I do." Sean smirked naughtily.
"I bet he learns the same thing in the bedroom." Lucas winked along with his friend.
Sean: (Narrating) After meeting with the hot Edenian princess, Kitana explains what had become of the realm.
Kitana: My father was the rightful ruler of Outworld. Then his best warriors lost ten Mortal Kombats and the Emperor entered the realm, killed my parents and adopted me to lay claim to the throne.
"Wait, wait, wait. I hate to nitpick on an awesome movie but I'm gonna have to because I have a personal bone to pick with this scene. In her backstory in the video game, Kitana's mother Sindel was forced to witness the enslavement of her people after Shao Kahn invaded Edenia. Her father King Jarod was murdered by Kahn and Sindel killed herself rather than becoming Kahn's queen. Uh, haven't screenwriter Kevin Droney and director Paul W.S. Anderson read Kitana's backstory?" Sean asked. "Come on, guys."
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a CGI tower where Shang Tsung is holding Sonya captive and we see Sonya in a red dress chained as Shang Tsung and a bunch of guys with cloaks enter the room.
"Alright, I just composed a Brazzers porn parody of Mortal Kombat with Mia Malkova as Sonya Blade in my mind." Sean smirked.
"Hell yeah, I would dig that casting choice." Lucas smirked out with a nod. "I can totally picture some sort of S&M vibe going on here."
"You get Nick Manning as Shang Tsung and you get the perfect scene." Sean said.
"Dude, that would be the perfect choice!" Lucas smirked loudly. "If that happened, I frickin' buy it. I wonder if Shang's good at "droppin' loads" than taking souls?"
Shang Tsung: Hoping against hope. Such an endearing human trait I'm touched, Really. One last chance, Sonya. Fight me in Mortal Kombat.
Sonya Blade: Go to Hell.
Shang Tsung: Take her away. The Emperor will be overjoyed.
(Shang Tsung smiles. We pause at Shang smiling)
Sean: (Narrating) See that smile? That's the smile of a man who's gonna give a hot chick some Vitamin D.
"Yeah, all of you people know what we're getting at here." Lucas said to the camera, wiggling his eyebrows.
Lucas: (Narrating) Unfortunately for Shang, he doesn't get the chance to give her D as you guessed it…
(Scene switches to Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Kitana revealing themselves in front of Shang Tsung)
Shang Tsung: Seize them!
Kitana: Stay where you are! Will you dare interfere with the tournament and betray our Emperor? In his great wisdom, he knows that Mortal Kombat cannot be won by treachery.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive to rescue Sonya and instead of Shang Tsung challenging Sonya, he picks Johnny Cage to challenge him. But wait, someone else wants to challenge him. Can you guess who it is?
(A picture of Frankie Gaines from I Am Frankie is shown)
"Right. It's Frankie Gaines. Shang Tsung is about to challenge a female android from a show on Nickelodeon. You're a frickin' idiot!" Sean yelled.
"I know who." Lucas raised his hand.
"Ah, who is it?" Questioned Sean.
"With a deep breath, Lucas answered. "Is it Liu Kang?"
"Yep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Liu Kang challenges Shang Tsung and the evil sorcerer accepts. This is it, guys. The fight you've been all waiting for. It's Pepsi vs. Coke, Nintendo vs. Sega, McDonald's vs. Burger King, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant.
"And for fantasy purposes, PornHub vs. Brazzers." Lucas smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) But wait, it's not a fight until two little words are shouted out.
"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean and Lucas both shouted out after the man yell it out.
(We cut to Liu Kang and Shang Tsung fighting. Shang tries to get a hit in but Liu gives him one good right hook to the face)
"Damn, this is starting to get good." Lucas said with his mouth full of Doritos.
(Shang Tsung touches his bottom lip and sees that he's bleeding and spits on the floor)
Shang Tsung: You fool!
(A clip from The Simpsons season one episode Bart the General is shown)
Nelson Muntz (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): You made me bleed my own blood.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting slugged in the face by Liu Kang, Shang Tsung unleashes the souls of warriors that he defeated in the past to take care of Liu Kang, but they're simply no match for Liu Kang. And now, it's the final round as Liu Kang confronts Shang Tsung. I guess it's a good time to put those shape-shifting powers to good use.
Liu Kang: (To Shang Tsung) I'm not afraid of my destiny. Face me.
(Shang Tsung shapeshifts into Chan and turns around)
Chan: Liu.
Liu Kang: Chan? It can't be.
"Seriously? How stupid is Liu Kang here?" Lucas replied in facepalmed fashion. "I can't believe he's being fooled to believe his own brother is alive when he's OBVIOUSLY D-E-A-D, dead."
"The dude just shape-shifted right in front of him and Liu Kang is being duped. Not to mention that there's a perfectly placed spike pit waiting for him to get impaled. Liu, you're an idiot!" Sean yelled to the camera.
"Where in the hell is Raiden when you need him?" Lucas asked Sean. "I swear, someone strike Liu Kang with a thunderbolt across his head. Maybe he'll wake up."
Chan: Raiden sent me to help you.
Liu Kang: You're not really Chan.
Sean removes his glasses from off of his face and makes a facepalm along with Lucas. "Okay, do I have to get Cole Reyes from I Am Frankie to beat you with a tennis racket or should I just pull a move from Deadly Alliance and snap your neck because I'm ready to fucking kill you!"
Chan: Liu, come with me.
(A clip from the Matlock episode The DJ is shown)
Ben Matlock (Played by the late Andy Griffith): He's a genuine true jackass!
Liu Kang: Chan chose his own path. Every man is responsible for his own destiny. Shang Tsung killed my brother!
(Shang Tsung shape-shifts back into his normal self)
Shang Tsung: You're mine!
Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Liu Kang knew he fucked up.
"Ohhhhh yeah." Lucas nodded out. "Now this just got real."
Sean: (Narrating) Shang gives Liu a few good hits and knocking him down, but Liu is not ready to give up, not without a fight. Liu then orders Shang to free the souls of the people to kill but Shang is not ready to free them not without a fight, so Liu starts beating the evil sorcerer down.
Lucas: (Narrating) And one by one, Shang T-Sung gets his ass handed with each shot there ever is.
"Speaking of shots…" Lucas said as he reached around the couch to grab a bottle of cinnamon rum. "I'm so ready for one right now."
After he put the bottle down, he then grabbed two shot glasses for himself and Sean before picking up the rum bottle and replied. "Some non-relatable cinnamon rum, my good man?"
"Sure. I'm ready for a shot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After beating down Shang Tsung with every shot, Liu Kang delivers the final blow.
(Liu Kang yells and shoots a fireball as Shang Tsung falls to his death. He ends up impaled on a spike)
Liu Kang: Flawless victory.
"Flawless victory? I'm sorry but can we play back the footage?" Sean asked.
(We see Shang Tsung giving Liu Kang a few good hits)
"That's not a flawless victory. Shang Tsung clearly gave Liu some shots. How the fuck is that a "Flawless Victory"? When you get a flawless victory, you can't get hit. Can you imagine if Goku didn't get hit by Vegeta in the first season of Dragon Ball Z. Vegeta tries to give Goku a few good hits but couldn't hit him and Goku is the one giving him all the hits. That would be impossible. And second, Liu Kang performed a fatality on Shang Tsung. Shouldn't he just say "Fatality"? Matter of fact, maybe I can fix that for you." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) Fatality.
"Now THAT'S how it's done." Lucas pointed out. "Yikes, whoever made this movie needs to play Mortal Kombat more enough."
Lucas: (Narrating) When Shang T-Sung dies, a big burst of white light appears around the Mortal Kombat logo with souls that Shang has consumed. And our tears commence when Liu Kang reunites with his dead brother Chan for the last final time.
Chan: I knew you'd come.
Liu Kang: Chan.
Chan: One day we will be reunited. But until then, my spirit will always be with you. Go in peace, my brother.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, they're playing the same song that was used in the opening credits of that Angelina Jolie movie Hackers. Don't believe me, check out the opening credits to Hackers on YouTube and the name of the song that's playing on the scene is Halcyon On and On by Orbital. Anyway, the day is saved and our heroes return to Earthrealm to celebrate. Kitana goes to Earthrealm with Liu Kang and Johnny and Sonya get together with Raiden waiting for them.
Raiden: I've been waiting for you. What took you so long?
Liu Kang: I guess you knew it would end this way.
Raiden: Didn't have a clue.
"Oh yes, all's well that ends well." Lucas nodded right before the camera closed in on his face, forcing him to shout in dramatic suspense. "OR IS IT?!"
Menacing Voice: Bow to me!
Liu Kang: What is it?
Raiden: The Emperor.
(We see Shao Kahn's giant figure appear in the skies)
Shao Kahn (Voiced by Frank Welker): You weak pathetic fools! I've come for your souls!
"Holy shit! Shao Kahn is huge! And he has the voice of Dr. Claw." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Shao Kahn) Next time, Raiden. Next time.
Raiden: I don't think so.
(We see our heroes take up their fighting stances, preparing for another fight. We then get a shot of the MK logo before we see the end credits and the Mortal Kombat theme plays)
"And that was Mortal Kombat and it is still awesome as always." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say that hasn't been said about this movie? This is what we expected from the franchise. Sure, the gore level lessened up due to the rating, but what definitely makes it up are the hard, intense action throughout the movie. The characters got their moves from the games down pretty well, the fight scenes are incredible to watch and who of course doesn't love the humor of one Johnny Cage? I know I do, and it's one of the many reasons this movie is still a fan favorite in the eyes of Mortal Kombat fans everywhere.
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is a prime example of how to do a very good live-action movie adaptation of a video game. And I know that a lot of you out there are asking "Sean, please review Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.", when that time comes, I'll review that movie because I have a lot of serious issues with it.
"But hey, another good thing about Mortal Kombat is the theme music." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again while the theme music is playing)
"Fuck yeah! It's gets me so pumped up!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) A fun and exciting movie to watch, it could be cheesy at times but it's still friggin' awesome and if you like video games and if you're a fan of the Mortal Kombat franchise, then this is the film for you. That's why Mortal Kombat is getting 4 MK logos out of 5.
"Well, that's it for this review. Thank you for joining me to review this movie, Lucas." Sean said.
"No prob, my good sir. Whenever you need me, I'm right there with you." Lucas said, fist bumping Sean. "And yep, that was a Best Friends Whenever reference.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, then remembers he has something else to add. "Oh, wait. Next month is October, you know what that means. My first annual Halloween Havoc starts next month."
Sean starts doing a sinister laugh and we hear the sound of thunder.
"Readers beware, you're in for a scare." Sean said. "See you guys next time."
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Let's Dance.
That's all for the review of Mortal Kombat. Thanks to UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing the movie with me. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the review for Mortal Kombat the movie. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean kicks off his first annual Halloween Havoc for the month of October. So, for the first movie for Halloween Havoc, the movie that I'll be reviewing is the 1983 film Psycho II. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.