The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and welcome back to another installment of Halloween Havoc. Today, Sean takes a look at one of the greatest 80's comedies from when he was a kid, GHOSTBUSTERS! So sit back, relax, grab a cold Dr. Pepper and a bag of Doritos, here's The Mayhem Critic's review of Ghostbusters. The 1984 version not the 2016 version. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Ghostbusters is owned by Columbia Pictures and Sony.
Episode Thirty-Four
Ghostbusters (1984)
(The Halloween Havoc intro plays to the parody of the intro to Rod Serling's Night Gallery)
We open with Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room, this time instead of a Halloween-themed shirt, he is wearing his denim button down shirt.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to another installment of Halloween Havoc." Sean said before doing a sinister laugh while the sound of a creepy organ plays in the background and thunder strikes. After he stops laughing, he begins to unbutton his shirt. "You know, I was going over the list of movies for Halloween Havoc and I found the next one on my list that I'm going to review and of course I'm talking about…"
Sean opens his shirt, revealing a white t-shirt with a picture of the Ghostbusters on it.
"GHOSTBUSTERS!" Sean shouted.
(Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters starts playing and footage from the film are shown as well)
Sean: (Narrating) Fuck yeah! Ghosbusters, one of the greatest, most beloved and most iconic films of all time. It was one of my favorite films from my childhood and it still is till this day. Hell, me and my friend Geoffrey talk about the film and we tend to quote the film. That's how much we both love Ghostbusters. Released in theaters on June 8, 1984. Ah, 1984. A good year for movies and television that came out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins,Beverly Hills Cop, Amadeus, The Terminator, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Romancing the Stone, Police Academy, The Last Starfighter, Purple Rain, Sixteen Candles and The Neverending Story. Then, there are TV shows like Night Court, Miami Vice, Hunter, Murder, She Wrote, Airwolf, Charles in Charge, Who's the Boss?,Kate & Allie and….
(A picture of the cast of The Cosby Show in season one is shown as well as a picture of Bill Cosby)
Sean: (Narrating) Uhhhhh, yeah. That show too. Let's not talk about you-know-who and let's talk about Ghostbusters. The film was produced and directed by Ivan Reitman, one of my favorite directors of all time, who's known for working on National Lampoon's Animal House, Stripes, Legal Eagles, Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Beethoven, Beethoven's 2nd, Dave, Junior, Father's Day, Six Days Seven Nights and My Super Ex-Girlfriend. The film was also written by Dan Aykroyd and the late Harold Ramis. The film's concept was inspired by Aykroyd and his facination with the supernatural and he conceived it as a vehicle for himself and fellow Saturday Night Live member John Belushi. The film stars Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Annie Potts, William Atherton and Ernie Hudson.
"Now, before we begin this review, let me just point out that I do not hate this film. I freaking love it. So before you butcher me in the comments section let me make it perfectly clear, Ghostbusters '84 is a fantastic movie. However, the film is 34-years-old and there are some scenes that would look a little off to a 26-year-old film buff like myself. Okay? Are we good? Got it?" Sean asked.
(A clip from A Few Good Men is shown)
Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Played by Tom Cruise): Crystal.
"Good. Now that I got that out of the way, let's take a look at Ghostbusters." Sean said.
(The Columbia Pictures logo from 1981 is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so we have our classic Columbia Pictures logo from the 1980s. Ah, you know, this is my favorite logo to look at and as a kid who grew up in the…
(The torch shines into a bright abstract shape right when Sean yells)
We see a bright light in Sean's living room while Sean covers his eyes.
"God, it's too bright! Yo, Torch Lady! Dim the light, you could blind somebody! Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a shot of the New York Public Library and we see a librarian, played by the late Alice Drummond who you might recogize her as Ross and Monica's grandmother who dies twice in the Friends episode The One Where Nana Dies Twice. We see her just doing her job and she gets haunted by the basic horror clichés.
(The librarian screams and runs until she comes across a ghost and screams. We then get the title of the film and the song plays)
"We get the most kick-ass and catchiest theme song ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome opening, we're introduced to one of the main characters named Dr. Peter Venkman, played by Bill Murray. We see Venkman conducting an experiment with two of his students, played by Steven Tash and Jennifer Runyon.
"Jennifer Runyon? She played Gwendolyn Pierce on Charles in Charge. Does she happen to be related to my friend Brian? Maybe she's just his cousin or something. I don't know." Sean said.
"Dude, I've got a cousin Amanda, no Jennifer though." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Venkman is conducting an experiment on ESP ability to see what they think what's on the card. If they get it wrong, then he gives one of them the electric shock.
Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): (While holding up a card) Think hard. What is it?
Male Student (Played by Steven Tash): Circle.
(Venkman flips the card over, revealing a square)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Close. But definitely wrong.
(He gives the male student an electric shock)
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Holds another card up) What is it?
Female Student (Played by Jennifer Runyon): Figure eight.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Incredible.
Sean: (V/O) Oh, wait a minute. That's not a figure eight, that's a plus sign on the card. Shouldn't you give the hot college chick the electric shock?
"I guess not because he's practically boinking her. He just wants to give that guy some electric shocks because he loves it." Sean said.
(A voice clip of the naked crackhead getting tazed from Tru TV's World's Dumbest Criminals plays while the male student is receiving electric shocks from Venkman)
Crackhead: (V/O) I love it. I love it. I love it.
(A clip from World's Dumbest Criminals is shown)
Daniel Baldwin: I love it. I love it. I love it. You see? There are some cats who are into this s***.
(Venkman gives the male student another electric shock)
Male Student: (Yells) I'm getting a little tired of this!
"You see, there are some cats who are not into this shit." Sean said. "I wonder how it would leave an effect on him."
Male Student: The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is. It's pissing me off!
"Point taken, my friend." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Peter pisses off that guy with the afro and tries to hit on adult Cindy Brady from A Very Brady Christmas, we're also introduced to Peter's colleague Dr. Raymond Stanz, played by Dan Aykroyd and him and Venkman head down to the library to meet with the brain of the group Dr. Egon Spengler, played by the late Harold Ramis, and they question the librarian of the paranormal activity that she witnessed.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm gonna ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic, mentally incompetent?
Librarian (Played by the late Alice Drummond): My uncle thought he was St. Jerome.
"Hey, I have an uncle from Pontiac, Michigan who tells people that he works for the CIA. Which he doesn't because his drunk fat ass went AWOL in the Navy a few years ago." Sean said.
Dana Barrett (Played by Sigourney Weaver): Oh, good. That makes me feel so much better.
Sean: (Narrating): Venkman, Stanz and Spengler head down to investigate and they come across symmetrical book stacking and…
(We see the words "SLIME!" in big bold lettering and the alarm blares)
"Slime! We have slime! Man, American Housewife was right, slime makes everything better! Okay, if I had a bottle of Smirnoff right now, I'd so be playing the Ghostbusters drinking game." Sean said with a big smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) The three continue their investigation and they come across the library ghost a.k.a. the Gray Lady . Eleanor Twitty, played by the late Ruth Oliver.
"And how do I know that her real name is Eleanor Twitty and why she is known as the Gray Lady? Just play the Ghostbusters video game from 2009." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They come across the Gray Lady and they try to capture her but it doesn't go as plan.
(Venkman, Stanz and Spengler try to capture the Gray Lady)
Dr. Raymond Stanz (Played by Dan Aykroyd): Now, stay close. Stay close. I know. Do exactly as I say. Get ready. Ready? Get her!
(The Gray Lady scares them off and they start screaming and running out of the building)
"I think the Gray Lady was showing them what's going to happen in the future." Sean said.
(The Gray Lady is covered by a poster of the Ghostbusters 2016 reboot, then we cut to the three of our heroes screaming and running)
Sean: (Narrating) After unsuccessfully trying to catch the library ghost, our three parapsychologists return to campus and the Dean of Columbia University named Dean Yeager, played by Jordan Charney, tells them that they're getting fired because the university will no longer continue any funding for their activities.
Dean Yeager (Played by Jordan Charney): Dr. Venkman, we believe the purpose of science is to serve mankind. You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of dodge or hustle. Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe. Your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman.
"Geez, who pissed in this guy's Wheaties? No need to be a dick. In fact, this dude played a dickish toy magnate in a Christmas episode of Night Court." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting fired from their jobs, Venkman, Stanz and Spengler take matters into their own hands and they go into business for themselves. And to start their ghost busting business, they purchase an old firehouse for their headquarters.
"Hmm, looks a little pricey. But it'll be really cool. What do you think, Egon?" Sean asked after looking away from the camera.
Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members. The wiring is substandard. It's completely inadequate for our power needs. And the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.
"Hey, at least the gangs are using silencers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, when Ray slides down the pole, pause, he becomes giddy and wants to move in and they buy the building, they get a 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor Ambulance that needs to be worked on and a secretary named Janine Melnitz, played by Young Sheldon's Annie Potts.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, any calls?
Janine Melnitz (Played by Annie Potts): No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Any Messages?
Janine Melnitz: No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Any customers?
Janine Melnitz: No, Dr. Venkman.
(A clip from Young Sheldon is shown)
Sheldon Cooper (Played by Iain Armitage): How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?
Meemaw (Played by Annie Potts): Nice talking to ya.
(Closes the door)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at a creepy looking apartment on 55 Central Park West, we're introduced to a professional musician named Dana Barrett, played by Sigourney Weaver. We see that she lives in the questionable building along with her nerdy neighbor Louis Tulley, played hilariously by Rick Moranis. And I'm not sure, but it looks like that dude is trying to hit on the chick from Alien because when she walks by his door, he tends to pop out to stop and chat with her.
Louis Tulley (Played by Rick Moranis): (After he bursts out of his apartment) Oh, Dana. It's you.
Dana Barrett: Hi. Yes, Louis, it's me.
"Creepy much, dude? It's not like Cole Reyes acts like that every time he sees Frankie Gaines talking to his sister Dayton on I Am Frankie." Sean said. "In fact, Cole is much different than Louis except he can be ditzy at times."
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of ditzy, here's Louis' gimmick.
(Louis gets himself locked out of his apartment)
Sean: (Narrating) After talking to Louis, Dana enters her apartment only to come across this commercial.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: (On TV) Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
Dr. Egon Spengler: (On TV) Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
Dr. Peter Venkman: (On TV): Have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter or ghost?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals.
All Three: Ghostbusters.
"Hey, we all do goofy commercials to promote our place of business. I should know. I've made a commercial." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as an announcer) Come on down to Mayhem Video, where we have all your favorite movies. So many to choose from. We got action, comedy, romance, drama, horror, movies for kids, movies for adults, we have the newest releases and the hottest video games. If you want to binge on your favorite shows, we have every season for you to binge. Having a problem making a selection? Our friendly staff is always there to help you out and with our state of the art database software, it's easy to find exactly what you're looking for, even if it sucks.
(Sean is shown holding a DVD copy of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers)
Sean: (as announcer) Today's feature rental, the 1984 smash hit comedy Ghostbusters. Starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Annie Potts, William Atherton, Ernie Hudson and Slimer. Mayhem Video, located in the Evergreen Shopping Center next to Volpax.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, after Dana sees the commercial, she heads to the commercial to put her groceries up and some weird stuff happens when her eggs start cooking on the counter and she hears a growling noise coming from her refrigerator.
(Dana walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door, only to see another dimension inhabited by a temple and a demigod standing)
Sean: (V/O as creature) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!
(Dana screams and slams the refrigerator door shut)
"Hmm, I wonder if the Nostalgia Critic won't mind if I use that joke throughout the review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Ghostbusters get their first client and it's Dana Barrett, when she tells them about what happened back at her apartment, they run some tests on her to see if she's crazy, but this gives Peter the opportunity to get romantically closer to Dana.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Tell you what, I'll take Miss Barrett back to her apartment and check her out.
(Dana looks at Peter)
"Whoa, wait a minute dude. No need for that, this is a PG-rated film for the kids. None of that freaky shit, she's your client. Save it for some studio like Hustler and Brazzers to make a Ghostbusters porn parody." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the apartment, Dana heads inside with Peter for him to investigate and we get one of the Ghostbusters' little gadgets called a Ghost Sniffer and don't worry, it's a useless gadget and it's not going to be seen again. Hell, does it even do? Are you going to explain how it does it?
Dana Barrett: What is that thing you're doing?
Dr. Peter Venkman: It's technical. It's one of our little toys.
Dana Barrett: I see.
"Uh, are you going to explain what it does? Nope? Oh, come on! At least explains what it does." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They enter the kitchen as Dana shows Peter the eggs that were cooking on the counter and she asks him to check the refrigerator and he does, only to find…
Dr. Peter Venkman: (While peeking into Dana's refrigerator) Oh, my God.
"NO BABA!" Sean screamed out and grabbed the pillow to hide his face so he won't see anything happen to Dr. Venkman.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Opens the refrigerator, only to see that it's back to normal) Look at all the junk food.
Sean peeks up a bit and throws his pillow back down on the couch. "Huh, nothing scary happened. Oh, well. Does she have any leftover meat loaf in there?"
Sean: (Narrating) Peter doesn't get any reading with the ghost sniffer. He doesn't even know how to use that thing correctly and he picks the right time to play Cassanova and try to put the moves on Dana.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna go for broke. I am madly in love with you.
Dana Barrett: I don't believe this. Will you please leave?
Dr. Peter Venkman: And then she threw me out of her life. She thought I was a creep. She thought I was a geek, and she probably wasn't the first.
Dana Barrett: You are so odd.
"Well, of course he's odd because he's Peter Venkman. And by the way, trying to hit on your client after you don't find anything, that's not a good idea." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Venkman, Stanz and Spengler use the last of their funds to buy Chinese food, then Janine gets a call from a serious call and then we get one of the greatest moments in the movie.
Janine Melnitz: We've got one!
(She rings the alarm as the Ghostbusters stop eating and The Bus Boys' Cleanin Up the Town starts playing)
Dr. Raymond Stantz: It's a call!
(We see the Ghostbusters run and get dressed, then leave in the Ecto-1 to their destination. They arrive at the Sedgewick Hotel and enter the lobby.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Hey, anybody seen a ghost.
"Okay, when I was a kid when I first saw this movie, I was excited to see the Ghostbusters in action and that moment got me pumped up and I consider it to be one of the best scenes in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The manager of the Sedgewick Hotel, played by Michael Ensign, tells the Ghostbusters that the hotel is having some problems with a resident ghost. So, they go to investigate and they test out their proton packs on an unsuspecting chambermaid who was busy with her job.
(The chambermaid appears as Egon and Ray fire their proton guns at the chambermaid's cleaning cart as she ducks down for cover)
Chambermaid (Played by the late Frances E. Nealy): What the hell are you doing?
"And there's one innocent bystander that's going to sue you for trying to hit her with a positron collider. And that was causing some serious damage." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the Ghostbusters split up to look for the ghost and Ray comes across a green blob known as Slimer, who's voiced by the film's director Ivan Reitman.
"A little fun fact about the character Slimer. During the pre-production of the film, director Ivan Reitman remarked that Slimer was sort of like the character Bluto from National Lampoon's Animal House and in many interviews, Dan Aykroyd described Slimer as "The Ghost of John Belushi". And I can see why Slimer is like Bluto from Animal House." Sean said.
"Hang on, how is a ghost like the guy from Animal House?" Brian asked.
"They're both fat and they eat a lot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Ray loses Slimer, Peter ends up finding Slimer and this happens to him.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Don't move. It won't hurt you.
(Peter screams as Slimer flies right towards him. Ray runs down the hall to save his comrade)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Venkman! Venkman! Pete!
(Stanz finds Venkman, who's laying on the floor covered in slime)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Venkman, what happened? Are you okay?
Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.
"Wow, Venkman looked like he was watching a Brazzers Hot & Mean video with Missy Martinez and Gianna Dior and he nutted harder than any man has before. Come t think of it, wasn't it the original tagline for Brazzers?" Sean asked.
Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.
(The Brazzers logo pops up)
Announcer: Brazzers
Sean: (as Ray Parker Jr.) Bustin' makes me feel good!
Sean: (Narrating) Egon calls Ray to tell him that the ghost ran into the ballroom. The Ghostbusters entered the ballroom and they attempt to catch it in a discreet and quiet way but they end up destroying the shit out of the ballroom. Then, Egon tells Ray and Peter something very important that you should never do.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Total protonic reversal.
"In other words, a big ass explosion that will kill you. So, don't do it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Egon explains that crossing the streams is bad, our heroes try to capture Slimer and causing some more damage, which will be a shitload of money. But they manage to capture their first ghost and Venkman whips out one of the most memorable lines ever.
Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!
"Or as he would say in the edited for TV version that they showed on ABC back in 1987." Sean said.
(A clip from the edited TV version is shown)
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a knockabout of pure fun that was!
Sean: (Narrating) After their successful bust by capturing Slimer, we get a montage of the Ghostbusters in action and we see them being an overnight success across both New York City and the nation with reporters like the late Roger Grimsby, Larry King and especially Shaggy himself Casey Kasem. All that is going on while Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters is playing.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our little montage, we get a little dream sequence where Ray gets visited by a sexy dream ghost.
(Ray looks down and notices that the dream ghost starts unbuckling his pants and pulls down his zipper and his pants. Ray crosses his eyes and groans as he lays his head back)
We cut to Sean, who is seen with a shocked look on his face. "What the hell? That is not appropriate for a PG movie that kids will watch. This is more along the lines of PG-13 material. When I was around 4 or 5 years old when I watched the movie, I didn't even get it. And looking back at it now, I realized that the ghost was giving Ray a blowjob! I know that the PG-13 rating wasn't out that time and it was 1984, but still this is along the lines of borderline PG-13 or an R rating. This isn't Stripes. Or this ain't Ghostbusters, the XXX porn parody!"
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome montage, we see that amount of calls have been increases, the team hires a fourth member to the team. Enter Winston Zeddemore, played by the always awesome Ernie Hudson.
Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson): Uh, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.
"Do you believe in ape-man, the JFK conspiracy and the Da Vinci code?" Sean asked imitating Janine.
Sean: (Narrating) They also show him the ropes by showing him how they put the trapped ghosts in the containment unit. But enough about him, the Ghostbusters get a visit from a lawyer who represents the Environmental Protection Agency named Walter Peck, played by William "I swear I'm not making any dickless or Wally Wick jokes" Atherton. He comes to visit trying to inspect the storage facility but Venkman tells him no.
Walter Peck (Played by William Atherton): I want to know more about what you do here. Frankly, there've been a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possible environmental impact from your operation. For instance, the presence of noxious possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement.
"Geez, you made it sound like he's a villain from Captain Planet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Remember when the Nostalgia Critic did a top 11 things you never noticed about video about the movie Ghostbusters when he said the number 1 thing you never noticed and he said this?
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Things You Never Noticed About Ghostbusters video is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: Walter Peck is 100% right. I know I'm not the first person to say this, but Peck is totally justified in what he's doing. He may be one of the most enjoyably hateable characters in movie history, but what is he trying to do? He wants to examine their business because he think it's unstable.
"Look, I know I don't care for the character because he's trying to shut the Ghostbusters' business down and what he does later on in the film that will make you want to punch him in the face, but I have to agree with Walter Peck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He's just trying to do his job and he wants to inspect their facility and Peter turns him down. The dude thinks it's unstable and you know what, it is unstable! Take a look at this scene where Egon turns on Ray's proton pack.
(Egon turns on Ray's proton pack, then backs away)
"You see that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) He literally backed away because they never tested their equipment and none of their incredibly dangerous devices are up to date. This is one giant nuclear bomb just waiting to go off.
"And we're trusting the fate of the city with these guys for them to protect the city of New York from some real wrath of God-type stuff like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!" Sean yelled out.
Mayor (Played by the late David Margulies): Enough, I get the point!
"So even though Wally Wick is dickless, he's still 100% right." Sean said. "And that's a big Twinkie."
Dr. Peter Venkman: What about the Twinkie?
Sean: (Narrating) Back to 55 Central Park West, (In a deep voice) on a dark and story night, we see that one of the creepy-looking dog statues on the roof…
(One of the statues breaks out of it's Gothic state in it's likeness)
"Suddenly, it turns into the opening of Gargoyles." Sean said.
(The theme from Disney's Gargoyles starts playing while the Gothic statue breaks out of it's likeness)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dana is entering her apartment and she is talking on the phone with her mother and after she's finished her phone call, she notices something strange going on in her closet until this happens.
(A bunch of demonic hands bust out of the chair and grabs Dana. The chair turns and the door opens, revealing Zuul. Dana screams)
Sean: (as Zuul) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!
(Zuul pulls Dana in and possesses her)
"Okay, I would just like to point out that one of those hands were trying to feel up Dana. I'm not kidding. Just take a look. And one other thing, it's nice to show a woman being sexually assaulted by demonic hands in a kid's movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after Dana gets possessed by Zuul. Louis gets an uninvited guest at his party when another demon dog crashes his party and chases him throughout Central Park and corners him at a fancy restaurant, where everybody just looks at him. Look, I don't care if you are trying to enjoy a meal with your friends and family, just help the poor guy out and let him in, you snobby pricks!
Louis Tulley: Please, somebody! Let me in!
(The people in the restaurant go back to eating their meals and talking to each other)
Louis Tulley: (To the demon dog) Nice doggy. Cute little pooch. Maybe I got a Milk-Bone.
(The demon dog appears to possess Louis. Louis screams while the people in the restaurant look on, then they go back to eating)
"Mmm. I say, Reginald. The McLobster is very good." Sean said in a snobby voice.
"Waiter, may I have another glass of white wine?" Brian asked in a snobby voice.
"And I would like some lamb sauce with my beef wellington." Sean said. "And was there somebody outside getting possessed by Satan's dog? Hmm. Oh, well. Must've been my imagination."
"Where's the lamb sauce?!" Chef Ramsay yelled out off-screen.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Peter arrives to go up to Dana Barrett's apartment to take her out on a date and he sees that there's something different about Dana…
Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Not that I know of.
(Dana, possessed by Zuul, closes the door)
"What the hell? Dude, when a woman that hot is dressed like that and asks you if you're the Keymaster, you say "Hell, yeah!"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter realizes that Dana is possessed when refers to herself as Zuul and that she and the Keymaster are preparing for the coming of the Destructor known as Gozer. Also, she seduces Peter and tries to sleep with him.
(Dana throws Peter down on the bed and straddles his lap)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Easy. I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.
(Dana kisses Peter)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule. You know, I can…
(She rolls Peter over so he's on top)
Dana Barrett: I want you inside me.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Possessed or not, we do not need any of that in a PG movie. Save it for Raven Alexis and Evan Stone in Hustler's porn parody of This Ain't Ghostbusters XXX." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And you can tell when a woman's possessed when she has the demonic voice of Ivan Reitman.
Zuul (Voiced by Ivan Reitman): There is no Dana, only Zuul.
"Could've been worse. She could've had the voice of Pazuzu from The Exorcist." Sean said.
Pazuzu (Voiced by the late Mercedes McCambridge): Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless cocksucker./Keep away, the sow is mine! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!/Let Jesus fuck you! Let Jesus fuck you!
"Never let Mercedes McCambridge do voice acting in a kid's movie." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, Peter. Time to stop messing around and beat the living shit out of her like Father Merrin and Father Karras.
Dr. Peter Venkman: One…
(Dana closes her eyes and growls)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Two…
(Dana growls some more)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Two and a half.
(Dana roars and levitates)
(A clip from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka is shown)
Leonard (Played by Damon Wayans): Oh, shit! You must got the devil in you.
Cheryl (Played by Dawnn Lewis): (In a demonic voice) No, cramps!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Please come down.
(Zuul roars at Peter)
"Right. Excuse me for a second." Sean picks up his cell phone from off of the coffee table. "Hello, could you get me Daffy Duck's Quackbusters? Huh? What do you mean? I have to wait four years for Daffy Duck to open his ghost busting business? Look, I have a big problem here, Ripley from Alien is possessed by some demonic dog named Zuul! Yeah. Mhm-hmm. Got it. Okay. Thank you."
Sean ends the call and looks at the camera.
"I just spoke to the operator and they said if I keep prank calling them, they'll send the cops over to arrest me. Damn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the cops drop Louis off at the firehouse after he was found harassing locals around Central Park looking for the Gatekeeper. Egon examines Louis and realizes that he's possessed and is going by the name of Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster of Gozer. Who's Vinz Clortho? Remember that demon dog that crashed Louis' party? That's Vinz Clortho.
Janine Melnitz: There's something very strange about that man.
(Egon and Janine look at Louis sniffing a jar of popcorn)
Janine Melnitz: Listen, I'm usually very psychic, and I have a terrible feeling that something awful is gonna happen to you. I'm afraid you're gonna die.
"On the day before my 22nd birthday and it was on the month that the final season of Good Luck Charlie aired it's final episode." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter then calls Egon to tell him about Dana being possessed by Zuul and Egon tells him that he has Louis aka Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster. And getting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster together is extremely dangerous. Meanwhile, Ray and Winston have a deep conversation about the end of the world.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I remember Revelations 7:12. And I looked as he opened the sixth seal. And behold, there was a great earthquake. And the sun became as black as sackcloth. And the moon became as blood.
Winston Zeddemore: And the seas boiled. And the skies fell.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Judgment day.
Winston Zeddemore: Judgment day.
"Wow. This is some very serious stuff for a kid's film. These two are busy talking about the end of the world. I wonder how they're going to keep up with this serious conversation." Sean said.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: How about a little music?
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah.
(We cut to a shot of the Ecto-1 driving on the Manhattan Bridge)
Sean: (Narrating) That's it? That's how we're gonna end it with Elmer Bernstein's music playing while we get a shot of the Ecto-1 driving on the Manhattan Bridge? God, that was a short conversation.
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Dr. Egon Spengler: Short but pointless.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Walter Peck arrives at the Ghostbusters HQ with the cops and this guy from Con Edison to shut down the containment grid.
Dr. Egon Spengler: He wants to shut down the protection grid, Peter.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You shut that thing down we are not going to be responsible for whatever happens.
Walter Peck: You'll be responsible.
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we won't be held responsible.
Walter Peck: Shut it off.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't shut it off. I'm warning you.
"Oh, come on. How bad could it be if he shuts the protection grid down? It's not like he's gonna cause an explosion and hundreds of freed ghosts wreak havoc throughout the whole city. Right?" Sean asked.
(The Con Ed man shuts the protection grid down. The alarm blares as everyone flees the firehouse as the grid collapses, causing an explosion and causing some ghosts go free)
"Well….shit." Sean said.
"You idiot!" Brian yelled, referring to Walter Peck.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you can see why Walter Peck is such a dickless bastard. And by the way, keep an eye out on an important celebrity cameo in this scene. You'll probably know who I'm talking about. Just hit the pause button and you'll notice the guy with the mustache. Yeah, that's porn star Ron Jeremy and no he was not running late to do a porno. He's just an extra in the film.
"And then, we get one of my favorite moments throughout the film." Sean said.
Walter Peck: Hold it! I want this man arrested. After these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act. And this explosion is a direct result of it!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Your mother!
(Egon tries to attack Peck)
Cop: Hey now, hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Come on!
"Yeah, Egon saying "Your mother" to Walter Peck was one of my favorite moments in the film. I was just waiting for Egon to just slug that guy in the face and that would've been satisfying to see. Plus, it's a line that the Angry Video Game Nerd used while playing Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero and my friend Geoffery and I tend to act out that scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of Peck shutting down the protection grid, ghosts are running rampant throughout New York while Mick Smiley's Magic starts playing. We see a zombie driving a taxi cab and we get Slimer chowing down on some Nathan's hot dogs and Vinz Clortho escapes and makes his way back to Dana's apartment, where Zuul greets him with a passionate kiss.
(Zuul kisses Vinz Clortho)
Sean: (Narrating) Eww! Meanwhile, the Ghostbusters are sitting in jail and they recognize that Dana's apartment building was a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spirtual turbulence and the guy who designed the building, an architect named Ivo Shandor. Shandor was also a doctor who performed a lot of unnecessary surgery and started a secret society for people known as Gozer worshippers and these Gozer worshippers conducted bizarre rituals.
Dr. Egon Spengler: …bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world. And now it looks like it may actually happen.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and get ready for celebrity cameo #3. And this is a TGIF favorite.
Jail Guard (Played by Reginald VelJohnson, credited as Reggie Vel Johnson): Okay, Ghostbusters. The mayor wants to see you guys. The whole island's going crazy. Let's go.
"Yep, that's Reginald VelJohnson a.k.a. Officer Carl Winslow from Family Matters in Ghostbusters. Boy, he plays a cop in this one, Die Hard and Family Matters. It's a brief appearance for him but his role in this one, Family Matters and Die Hard were all the same guy just undercover. I guess the kid he shot in Die Hard was Urkel." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghostbusters are released from jail to talk to the mayor, played by the late David Margulies, but not until Walter Prick shows up to cause some more trouble.
Walter Peck: These men are consummate snowball artists. They use sense and nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing ghosts, and they call these bozos who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Your honor, our system was working just fine until the power grid was turned off by Wally Wick here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion.
The Mayor of NY: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: It's true, your honor. This man is some kind of rodent I don't know which.
"Oops, sorry. I played the footage from the edited version of Ghostbusters. Sorry about that, folks." Sean said.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion.
The Mayor of NY: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.
Sean laughs a bit. "Boy, this movie has so many quotable lines that are hilarious."
Sean: (Narrating) The Ghostbusters tell the mayor of what the city is expecting, which is a disaster of biblical proportions.
The Mayor of NY: Well, what do you mean, "biblical"?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath-of-God-type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, Volcanoes.
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.
The Mayor of NY: Enough! I get the point.
"Let's not forget Donald Trump becoming the President of the United States. Now, that's some real wrath-of-God type stuff." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter then wins over the mayor's judgment as the mayor kicks Peck out of his office and allows them to get to work. With the assistance of the police and the Army, the Ghostbusters arrive to save the day and they must overcome their first obstacle… STAIRS!
(We see the Ghostbusters walking up a few flights of stairs)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Where are we?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: It looks like we're in the teens somewhere.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, when we get to 20, tell me. I'm gonna throw up.
"Hey guys, have you ever heard of an elevator? You should've taken the elevator up to the 20th floor instead of taking the stairs. But hey, you get one hell of a good workout. You'll be exhausted, but you'll get a good workout." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They eventually arrive at the 20th floor to Dana's apartment and make their way up to the roof, only to find Dana and Louis turn into the Terror Dog forms of their possessors after they open a dimensional gate to Gozer's Temple and Gozer appears in the form of…
(Gozer appears in her female humanoid form)
"In the form of a smoking hot Serbian model, goddamn!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Gozer the Gozerian, she's played by Serbian actress and model Salvit… Saliva... Salvia… Slyvitz… Sativa Rose… Jenna Sativa? I'm kidding, her name is Slavitza Jovan and she plays Gozer and Ray goes up to talk to her and she asks him a question.
Gozer (Played by Slavitza Jovan): Are you a god?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: No.
Gozer: Then die!
(Gozer blasts the Ghostbusters with her powers)
"Uh, Ray. Next time, when a smoking hot entity from another dimension asks you if you're a god. I have a three letter word for you to say. Hmm, what is it? I can't put my finger on it. Oh, yeah… YES!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes won't back down when they get ready to send Gozer packing and you know what, I love this shot of the Ghostbuster walking in the straight line, showing that this group is together and are ready to kick some ass. Hell, they made it look awesome. One of the coolest clichés ever and they did it with Tombstone.
"And with Elmer Bernstein's music score playing throughout the scene, it makes it more awesome." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghostbusters subdue Gozer and she disappears, but then we hear Gozer's voice echoing that the "destructor" will follow a form chosen by the team. With Venkman, Spengler and Zeddemore clearing their heads. Except for Ray.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What? What just popped in there?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I…I… I tried to think.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Look!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: No! It can't be.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: It can't be.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you do, Ray?
Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit.
(They see the destructor arriving in the form of a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
"Okay, back in the day, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was one of the best things ever about this movie. It's freaking awesome. It's much more better than the Stay Puft balloon from the 2016 reboot." Sean said as a photo of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man balloon pops up next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Nice thinking from Ray. He thought of something adorable from his childhood that could never ever possibly destroy them. Good job, dude. You thought of the cuddly marshmallow version of KidBehindACamera. Couldn't he have thought of Scarlett Sage?
(A photo of Scarlett Sage pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, he thought of something innocent but it looks like good 'ol Stay Puft wants to kill them.
Winston Zeddemore: Oh, no.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Mother pus bucket.
"Hey, hey, hey. Watch your mouth, Venkman. This is a PG movie. Oh, wait. Mother pus bucket isn't a bad word. Nevermind." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Ghostbusters roast the giant Marshmallow Man with their proton streams, which doesn't stop him. Which means, it's time for option B: crossing the streams at Gozer's portal in an attempt to reverse the particle flow. The explosion closes the gate and destroys Gozer/Stay Puft, turning it into a liquid marshmallow fluff and we see Walter Peck get covered in marshmallow goo.
"That's for shutting off the protection grid, dickless!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the day is saved. The Ghostbusters survived, as well as Dana and Louis, who have returned to their normal human forms and before the credits roll, Winston ends the film with this line.
Winston Zeddemore: I love this town!
Sean: (Narrating) The credits roll as the song starts playing, Venkman and Dana kiss and the Ghostbusters are hailed as heroes. The end.
"And that was Ghostbusters and it's still awesome." Sean said.
(Clips from the film start playing)
Sean: (Narrating) What's there to say about this movie? Nothing negative, it's still a good movie. The comedy was hilarious and the acting is amazing as always. As for the music in the movie, the late Elmer Bernstein's music score is one of my favorites. The movie's soundtrack is great with it's catchy theme song. Now, let's talk about the visual effects for this movie. The guy who did the visual effects was Richard Edlund, who's known for his work on the original Star Wars trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Poltergeist. The visual effects were amazing but if you want me to nitpick a little then I will. It could be silly-looking at some times like the stop-motion dogs that looks like something that Ray Harryhausen created, some of the matte paintings aren't looking very real and you can see through Stay Puft half of the time. But still, the visual effects look incredible. The movie grossed $13.6 million on it's opening weekend and $23 million in it's first week. The movie was nominated for two Academy Awards for Best Original Song and Best Visual Effects. Heck, even in an episode of Cheers in it's eighth season when they referenced the movie.
(A clip from the Cheers season eight episode Loverboyd is shown)
Woody Boyd (Played by Woody Harrelson): Ghostbusters is on TV. I love that movie.
Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): Oh, yeah.
Woody Boyd: It's criminal they way it got snubbed by the Oscars that year.
Sam Malone: It still ticks me off.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of how beloved this movie is, it spawned several video games, a sequel that was released in 1989 called Ghostbusters II, two animated television series The Real Ghostbusters in 1986 and Extreme Ghostbusters in 1997. Oh, and it also spawned a reboot with an all-female team of Ghostbusters in 2016. Anyway, it's an excellent film to watch with a lot of funny moments and incredible visual effects. If you're new to Ghostbusters, then check it out. That's why I'm giving Ghostbusters 5 proton packs out of 5.
"And that is all. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before leaving the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!
And that was my review of Ghostbusters for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. What are your thoughts about Ghostbusters and your favorite moment from the film? Also, I'm trying to pick which topic to do next after Ghostbusters. Here are the choices:
Day of the Dead (1985): Sean takes a look at the third film in George A. Romero's Dead trilogy.
Fright Night (1985): Vampires, Marcy D'Arcy and werewolves. From the mind of Tom Holland comes the horror comedy that the Mayhem Critic will be tackling.
Halloween II (1981): Sean and Brian take a look at the 1981 sequel to John Carpenter's Halloween in honor of the new Halloween movie coming out.
Christine: Sean takes a look at the classic horror film. John Carpenter and Stephen King, a match made in heaven.
Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next review. Till next time, my fellow readers.