The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my friends. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic and a happy November to you all. Today, I'm bringing you another review. Today, Sean takes a look at one of his favorite family comedies from John Hughes called Uncle Buck. Is this one of the best comedies from the master? We'll find out today. So here it is, the new, hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, grab yourself some popcorn and something cold to drink and enjoy.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Uncle Buck is owned by Universal Pictures and Hughes Entertainment.
Episode Thirty-Eight
Uncle Buck
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about today's topic. "Let me talk to you about one of my favorite directors of all time. And of course I'm talking about the man, the master, the legend. John Hughes."
(Images of John Hughes is shown, as well as clips from some of his films that he worked on and poster for some of his movies are shown as well)
Sean: (Narrating) He was a writer for National Lampoon and back in the 80s he took the movie world by storm. He worked on screenplays for National Lampoon's Vacation, National Lampoon's Class Reunion, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Mr. Mom. During the 80s, he brought us the best teen movies ever starring young up-and-coming actors like Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Matthew Broderick, Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy. He gave us the films Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful and Pretty in Pink. In the late 80s, he brought us the "grown-up" Thanksgiving comedy Planes, Trains and Automobiles and the romantic comedy She's Having a Baby. And of course in 1990, he brought us the immortal classic Home Alone. John Hughes was the voice of a generation… then he did Curly Sue, that was good. He did Home Alone 2, he wrote it and it was a good sequel. He did Beethoven, he wrote it and it was pretty good. He wrote 101 Dalmations, good film. Flubber, it sucked. Dennis the Menace was good as well as Baby's Day Out, the Miracle on 34th Street remake. And then he wrote Home Alone 3 and that sucked ass! But, a lot of his work is great.
"But we're not talking about them. Well, I'll be talking about Planes, Trains and Automobiles after this one. Today, we're talking about one of my favorite family comedies of all time starring my favorite comedian. And of course I'm talking about the one, the only… Uncle Buck." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 16, 1989, Uncle Buck was the first film directed, produced and written by John Hughes under a multi-picture agreement deal with Universal. The first film he did was The Great Outdoors. He was the producer and writer of the film but Howard Deutch directed it. And speaking of Uncle Buck, you want to know what The Great Outdoors and Planes, Trains and Automobiles have in common? Those three movies have the late comedy great John Candy. Candy stars as the title character. I've watched that movie on Disney Channel a couple of years ago and for a movie that's rated PG for a family comedy, it has a lot of cuss words in it.
Tia Russell (Played by Jean Louisa Kelly): Shit./Shit./Asshole.
Miles Russell (Played by Macauley Culkin): Goddamn it!
Maizy Russell (Played by Gaby Hoffman): Shit.
Bob Russell (Played by Garrett M. Brown): Shit.
Chanice Kobolowski (Played by Amy Madigan): Son of a bitch.
Bud (Played by Jay Underwood): Shit./Asshole!
Buck Russell (Played by the late John Candy): Ass./Bitch,/Shit./Shit!
"No wonder mom wouldn't let me watch the movie when I was 8." Sean said. "So much for family entertainment. But hey, you have John Hughes and John Candy. This is going to be pretty good. Let's not waste any time, this is Uncle Buck."
Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in the quiet suburbs of Chicago.
"Uh, if you expect me to play the John Hughes drinking game, then no. I'm trying to recover from playing the Halloween III drinking game. I was drunk and Taylor caught me peeing in the dryer." Sean said. "But hey, at least we won't get to hear that dreaded song."
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the characters of the movie, the Russell siblings. The oldest sibling Tia played by actress-singer Jean Louisa Kelly, who was 17 at the time. And hot.
"Hey, Jean Louisa Kelly is in her forties and she's still smokin' hot." Sean said as a current photo of Jean Louisa Kelly pops up next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Tia's younger siblings, Miles played by a pre-Home Alone Macauley Culkin and Maizy played by Transparent's Gaby Hoffman, and we see how Tia gets along with her siblings.
Tia Russell: (After Maizy puts her bag on the table) Get your bag off the table. People eat there.
Maizy Russell: They eat on plates.
Tia Russell: Don't give me any crap, Maizy.
Maizy Russell: I'm telling. You said "crap."
"Ah, sibling bonds. Don't you just love it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We also get some of it's film's "colorful" dialogue.
Tia Russell: You can thank your parents for that.
Miles Russell: How come?
Tia Russell: It was their brilliant idea to move here. They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis. Forget that we were perfectly happy. So thank them for getting treated like shit every day.
Maizy Russell: I'm telling on that one.
Tia Russell: Shut your face./Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.
Miles Russell: Always have a cow.
(Tia grabs Miles by his arm)
Miles Russell: Your nails are digging into my arm, goddamn it.
Tia Russell: Maizy, did I kick you around?
Maizy Russell: No, but you said "shit" twice. But only once for real.
"Don't you just love hearing kids cursing in movies?" Sean asked.
"It's surprising." Brian said.
Tia Russell: Let the dog out.
Maizy Russell: Percy!
(The dryer door opens and we see Percy the dog sitting in the dryer, barking)
"Why was their dog in the dryer? Did one of the kids put Percy in the dryer or did the dog climb into the dryer? That's a weird place to put a dog in. That reminds me. Riley!" Sean yelled out Riley's name as we cut to a clothes hamper in Sean and Taylor's bedroom. We see Riley climbing out and meowing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see the Russell siblings eating dinner with their parents Bob and Cindy. Bob is played by Garrett M. Brown from Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2 and Cindy is played by Elaine Bromka. Here's something about the Russells, they moved from Indianapolis to the Chicago suburbs because Bob got a promotion. We also see that Tia and her mother don't get along very well.
Cindy Russell (Played by Elaine Bromka): You know what? When dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia Russell: So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia Russell: Oh, really?
Cindy Russell: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.
"Alright, unless you two are going to have a Dynasty-style catfight like Fallon and Alexis, feel free to do so." Sean said with a grin on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the main character of the movie, Buck Russell, played by John Candy. Buck is a bachelor and an all-around slob who drinks, smokes, bets on rigged horse races and he lives in a small apartment in Chicago. Oh, and he also has a girlfriend. So, who's the lucky lady dating this guy? Well, none other than Ed Harris' wife, of course. This is Buck's girlfriend Chanice Kobolowski, played by Amy Madigan.
"What does she see in him anyway?" Brian asked.
"Well, he's unemployed." Sean answered.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck and Chanice have been together for eight years and Buck has accepted a new job at her tire shop. And here's his feelings about working for his girlfriend.
Buck Russell: I'm really not that excited about going to work for my girlfriend. There. I said it. It's out of the way.
Chanice Kobolowski: Okay, okay. Buck, I love you. I can't help myself. I want to get married. I want to have a family. I want to do it with you. Well, you know. The clock is ticking away here. I would just like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die.
Buck Russell: I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal. (Laughs)
(Chanice gives Buck the death glare)
"Slacker." Sean said.
Chanice Kobolowski: You're gonna show up for work, you swear to God? In the A.M.? Promise?
Buck Russell: Chanice, I'll be honest with you. If I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I'd use it.
"Yeah, like that's foreshadowing enough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of foreshadowing….
(We hear the sound of a heartbeat, then an alarm as Tia wakes up. We cut to a phone ringing as Bob answers it)
Sean: (Narrating) Bob gets a phone call from Cindy's aunt, with some bad news about her father when her aunt informs them that Cindy's father suffered a heart attack. So now Bob and Cindy are in a dilemma. They have to find someone to watch the kids while they're in Indianapolis and Bob suggest one person who could watch the kids, his brother Buck. But Cindy objects.
Bob Russell: What about Buck? Now, I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.
Cindy Russell: I don't want him here.
Bob Russell: It's just a suggestion.
Cindy Russell: He doesn't have kids. He isn't married. He doesn't even work!
Bob Russell: He's a little out there, but he's responsible, and he's family.
Cindy Russell: Buck is not the kind of guy I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.
"Besides, I've seen your brother dress up as a drag queen in a movie. We're not leaving the kids with that freak." Sean said, imitating Cindy while referencing the 1986 film Armed and Dangerous.
Sean: (Narrating) After hearing the news, Tia asks her mother if they're going to Indianapolis, but Cindy tells her that her and Bob are going to Indianapolis. And Cindy doesn't think that it's a good idea for the kids to go with them, which pisses off Tia and she pulls the biggest bitch move ever on her mother.
Cindy Russell: I love my father very much.
Tia Russell: So, why did you move away from him? If my whole family moved away from me I'd have a heart attack too.
(Tia goes to her room and slams the door)
"Ouch. What kind of daughter would say something like that to their own mother? Taylor Otto wouldn't say that to her own mother on American Housewife. If she did, then Taylor would be dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, while Bob is on the phone with the Nevilles, we get some more colorful dialogue from the movie.
Miles Russell: Who's gonna take care of us?
Cindy Russell: Mr. and Mrs. Neville.
Miles Russell: Is that a joke?
Cindy Russell: You don't like the Nevilles.
Miles Russell: Their dog's a ball sniffer.
We then cut to Sean spitting out his pink cranberry juice after hearing what Miles said to his mother.
Cindy Russell: Don't talk like that.
Miles Russell: Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because the dog was sniffing Michael's balls.
Cindy Russell: Don't use that word.
Miles Russell: I don't know another word./What's another word for "balls"?
Bob Russell: Get in bed.
Miles Russell: (Snaps his finger) "Nuts".
"Yeah, here's another word for "balls" and "nuts". Co…" Sean said before getting interrupted as Tom Hardy's Venom pops up and grabs him by his neck.
"Finish that sentence, then we will eat both of your arms, and then both of your legs, and we will eat your face right off of your head. Do you understand?" Venom asked.
"Y… y…. yes, sir." Sean said as Venom releases him and leaves. "You know, with these kind of words like that, they could've rated this movie PG-13."
Sean: (Narrating) With the Nevilles out since they're in Florida, Bob and Cindy have no choice but to call Buck.
Cindy Russell: Can we trust him?
"Could be worse. You could've gotten those two to watch your kids." Sean said a picture of Harry and Marv from Home Alone pop up. "I'm sure you can trust them to be around your kids."
Sean: (Narrating) Bob calls his brother Buck and we get one of the most funniest wake-up calls I've ever seen in my life.
Buck Russell: Bobby, hang on a minute.
(Buck covers the phone and starts coughing as we cut to the Russell family house with Bob hearing Buck coughing on the other line. Buck stops coughing and claps his hands as the power to the apartment building comes on, the Chicago Cubs sign comes on as well and we hear the sound of a cat meowing and the alarm sounds coming from a car)
"Wow, I did not know that the Clapper could turn everything on. For the youngins who don't know what the Clapper is, it's a device from the 80's that you plug in your outlet, and you clap your hands to turn the power on, like so." Sean said as he claps his hands, then all of a sudden the power goes out. "Oh, goddamn it! I turned off the review!"
Sean: (Narrating) After Bob tells Buck about Cindy's father and he asks him to help them out to watch their kids at their house while they're away. But, Buck has to break the news to Chanice that he can't make it to work.
Buck Russell: Chanice? Honey? Honey, I have some bad news.
Chanice Kobolowski: Let me guess. You are not coming in to work in the morning.
(Buck stays silent for a bit)
Buck Russell: Just let… Let… Can… No, but… You don't…. Would you just…. Let…. Give me… Let me give… Let me give… You're not… Give me a… Aw!
Chanice Kobolowski: Good-bye.
(Chanice hangs up the phone)
"Well, that went well." Sean said sarcastically.
(A clip from Cheers plays)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): Women. You can't live with them, pass the beer nuts.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck drives over to his brother's house in the Chicago suburbs and we get this funny bit of the film that I like where he goes to the wrong house and his brother is watching and he sees him at the neighbor's house.
Buck Russell: Bob! Bob? This isn't funny! Come on! Wake up! I'm freezing my ass off out here!
(Bob sees his brother standing on the porch of his neighbor's house)
Bob Russell: Oh, shit.
"I read the script for Kick-Ass 2 and my character gets killed off." Sean said, imitating Bob Russell.
(Bob steps outside)
Bob Russell: Buck?
Buck Russell: Bob?
Bob Russell: Buck?
Buck Russell: Bob?
Bob Russell: Buck!
Buck Russell: Bob?
Bob Russell: Over here!
(Buck realizes that he's at the wrong house)
Buck Russell: Do you have any idea how many big white houses there are on this street?
"Get the right address, man. Or some glasses." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Bob and Cindy leave for Indianapolis, Buck is in charge and he gets settled in….
(Buck drops a plate and picks it up)
Buck Russell: Unbreakable.
(Buck breaks the plate on the piano as Percy barks)
Buck Russell: Shit.
"Great job, Buck. Just start breaking stuff in their house." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Tia comes downstairs only to see Uncle Buck cooking breakfast and singing and the two of them have an uneasy greeting.
Buck Russell: Does your mom know you drink coffee?
Tia Russell: I'm not doing it to impress you.
Buck Russell: I appreciate that. Is there any particular reason why you're giving me such a hard time?
Tia Russell: Am I giving you a hard time?
Buck Russell: Uh… well, I don't know.
"Don't worry, Buck. In a few years, she gonna give some lucky guy a hard time and that dude is going to be henpecked by her." Sean said, referencing the CBS sitcom Yes, Dear, which starred Jean Louisa Kelly.
(A clip from Yes, Dear plays)
Kim Warner (Played by Jean Louisa Kelly): Greg. Before you finish that sentence, I want you to know that if I hear the words "my money" coming out of your mouth, you're going to try to pry my foot out of ass.
Greg Warner (Played by Anthony Clark): Good luck with your project.
"Ah, coffee. Goes great with everything at breakfast. Donut holes, cinnamon rolls, bacon, pancakes, sausage, oatmeal." Brian said.
Miles Russell: Oh, my God. He put onions in the eggs.
"And that's a problem why?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Tia gets her sister Maizy ready for school, Miles gets to know his Uncle Buck by asking him a series of questions in a scene that inspired the grocery store scene from Home Alone and watching Home Alone reminds me of this scene.
Miles Russell: Where do you live?
Buck Russell: In the city.
Miles Russell: You have a house.
Buck Russell: Apartment.
Miles Russell: Own or rent?
Buck Russell: Rent.
Miles Russell: What do you do for a living?
Buck Russell: Lots of things.
Miles Russell: Where's your office?
Buck Russell: I don't have one.
Miles Russell: How come?
Buck Russell: I don't need one.
Miles Russell: Where's your wife?
Buck Russell: Don't have one.
Miles Russell: How come.
Buck Russell: It's a long story.
Miles Russell: You have any kids?
Buck Russell: No, I don't.
Miles Russell: How come?
Buck Russell: It's an even longer story.
(A clip from Home Alone is shown)
Check-Out Woman (Played by Tracy J. Connor): Where do you live?
Kevin McCallister (Played by Macauley Culkin): I can't tell you that.
Check-Out Woman: Why not?
Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.
Sean: (Narrating) So, now it's time to drop the kids off at school and Buck drops Tia off at her school, in a dilapidated 1977 Mercury Marquis that pours smoke and…
(The car makes a whistling noise as Miles and Maizy close their eyes)
"Uh, why is the car making that noise? And why are they closing their eyes? What is going on here?" Sean asked. "And you do know that a bunch of teenagers see you in the car and why are they backing away?"
(Buck's car backfires as the teenage students at Tia's school scream and duck down)
"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out his pistol and points it at the camera. "Dude, get your car fixed because I almost shot my cameraman."
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we get a battle of wills between Buck and Tia when the rebellious teenager doesn't want her uncle to pick her up and she ends up backtalking to him.
Tia Russell: I'm stunned that I'm related to you.
Buck Russell: You get the pole out of your keister, we're gonna get along just fine.
Tia Russell: Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?
(Footage from Nothing But Trouble is shown as we see John Candy in drag, playing a character named Eldonna. Eldonna is wearing a wedding dress and she kisses Chevy Chase's character Chris Thorne)
Buck Russell: No.
(Miles laughs and Maizy smiles as Buck smiles at Tia. Tia rolls her eyes and steps out of the car)
"Crazy uncles, am I right?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Buck taking care of things around the house after he calls Chanice but she ends up yelling at him for not coming to work. We see Buck watching political TV while eating a box of Frosted Flakes while making a mess and falling asleep. We then see Buck taking a look at some photos from Bob and Cindy's wedding and my God, that's a silly pornstache on Bob. Did Cindy marry him because she thought he looks handsome with it? But hey, we see that one of the photos Buck is left out of the photo after unfolding one side. Sister-in-laws, am I right? Later, Buck arrives to Tia's school to pick her up, only to find her sucking face with….
(Buck's car backfires again)
Sean yelps and ducks for cover.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck sees Tia sucking face with her douchebag boyfriend named Bug, played by Jay Underwood.
"And you're probably wondering how I recognized Jay Underwood. I grew up watching Disney Channel. He played android Chip Carson in Not Quite Human, Not Quite Human II and Still Not Quite Human. He also played Eric in The Boy Who Could Fly. Oh, yeah. Then there's the cancelled 1994 film adaptation of The Fantastic Four." Sean said.
Bug (Played by Jay Underwood): You ever hear of a tune-up? (Laughs)
Buck Russell: Hee hee hee! You ever hear of a ritual killing? (Laughs)
(Bug stops laughing)
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck Russell: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Hee hee hee hee hee!
"Okay, that's definitely gonna be me when I have a daughter. I'm gonna be that overprotective father who's gonna threaten her boyfriend. And by the way, who names their kid "Bug"? I know there's actor Bug Hall but his real name is "Brandon". But seriously, Tia's boyfriend's name is "Bug". What's his last name "Spray"?" Sean asked.
Buck Russell: What's his last name? Spray? (Chuckles)
"Hey, that's my line. You stole my line!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Cindy calls to check up on Buck and kids and Tia talks to her mother and yeah, Tia's being a teenage brat. Buck tells Cindy that every thing is fine. The next day, we see Buck is trying to wash clothes in the washing machine as Bob and Cindy's neighbor named Marcie, played by Roseanne and The Conners star Laurie Metcalf, and we get another one of my favorite moments and this moment is like an adult joke from Animaniacs.
(Buck is in the laundry room trying to open the washing machine while Marcie checks it out)
Buck Russell: (To the washing machine) Yeah, I'm getting mad. All right. Get ready. Here I come. Come on. What? Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on, open up for daddy. Shove my load… there we go. Nice and easy. (Banging) Come on. There we go. Take that! Take that! Come on. You don't want the crowbar, do you? Open up! Come on! I'm going to shove my load into you whether you like it or not.
"You know, for kids!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
"Goodnight, everybody!" Brian said in his Yakko voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Marcie spies on Buck, thinking that he's doing something sexual in the laundry room and screams right after the dog sniffs her and she tries to attack Buck with pepper spray.
Buck Russell: What? Who are you?
Marcie Dalhgren-Frost (Played by Laurie Metcalf): Cindy!
Buck Russell: She's in Indianapolis.
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: What's she doing in Indianapolis?
Buck Russell: Her father had a heart attack.
Marcie Dalghren-Frost: Who are you and how do you know that her father had a heart attack?
Buck Russell: I'm her brother-in-law.
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Oh, yeah! Who you talking dirty to?
"I was talking dirty to Cali Carter while I was banging her on the washing machine. Who do you think, lady?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck introduces himself to Marcie and Marcie, being the desperate housewife that she is, tries to flirt with Buck and ask him out. Later that night, Tia is planning on going out with some friends until Buck invites her to go bowling with Miles and Maizy and the battle of the wills between Buck and his teenage niece continues.
Tia Russell: I'll die before I go anywhere with you.
Miles Russell: It's going to be fun.
Maizy Russell: They have rent-a-shoes.
Tia Russell: And rent-a-foot-disease.
"Hey! Don't diss bowling, guys." Brian said.
Buck Russsell: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia Russell: Try me.
Buck Russell: How'd you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy out-of-work bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
(Buck makes the sound of an electric razor and we see a shocked expression on Tia's face)
Sean chuckles a bit after seeing Tia's reaction. "Okay, that reaction from Jean Louisa Kelly is priceless. It looks like she's in a horror. In fact, if Uncle Buck was a horror film, then it would be waaaaaaay different."
Sean: (Narrating) Buck goes bowling with Miles and Maizy while Tia watches them playing and she's getting bored, while some sleazy guy named Pal, played by Dennis Cockrum a.k.a. Terry Milkovich from Shameless, tries to hit on her. Dude, she's not for you. She's only fifteen! She's not going to be impressed by the cut on your upper lip because you're trying to look cool with the fucking toothpick.
"I can't believe it. This jackass is in his mid-thirties and he's trying to flirt with a teenage girl. And what's even more stupid was the fact that he thought he had a chance." Sean said.
Pal (Played by Dennis Cockrum): You like all-terrain vehicles? I got a brand-new Bronco right out in the parking lot.
(Buck notices Pal trying to hit on Tia)
Tia Russell: (Whispers) My throat sort of hurts. I can't… I can't talk.
Pal: I've got a cure for that.
"No! No! No! No means No, Mr. Milkovich! You stay away from her! Why don't you get Svetlana to bang your son Mickey in front of Ian." Sean said.
"Don't make me use this, man." Brian said, getting out a can of pepper spray.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Buck arrives to threaten that sleazebag. Now I know how Pal got the black eye. We're also introduced to one of Buck's buddies, E. Roger Coswell, played by Brian Tarantina. Roger tells Buck about a horse race coming up on a Friday night and that he'll make a whole lot of money if he shows up. Then, Tia asks Buck who's Chanice.
Tia Russell: What's a Chanice?
"Or ask him what's a Chanice." Sean said.
Tia Russell: Are you supposed to marry her or something?
Buck Russell: The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.
Tia Russell: Maybe if you got married, you'd stop being such an asshole.
"Ooh, burn!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Buck is preparing a big breakfast for Miles because today is Miles' birthday. And I mean a big breakfast. Take a look at those big-ass pancakes!
(We see Buck trying to flip over a big pancake with a shovel. We cut to Miles and Maizy run down the stairs and see the dining room decorated with party streamers and they see a plate with a giant stack of pancakes and sausage links surrounding it)
Buck Russell: Happy birthday! Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! I hope you're hungry. You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.
(A big smile appears on Miles' face)
"Okay, where the hell did Buck get those big-ass pancakes from? I want what Miles is having and those pancakes look good. I wish IHOP could sell big-ass pancakes like Uncle Buck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to one of my favorite moments from the film when Miles' mom hired a clown to perform at Miles' birthday and we see that Pooter-the-Clown, played by Mike Starr, should appear on World's Dumbest Partiers because he had too much to drink.
Pooter-the-Clown (Played by Mike Starr): I'm sorry I'm late. I was at this all-night bachelorette party. Need any dildo jokes?
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No need for that, keep it at a PG-rating, you drunk clown." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck then realizes that Pooter had a few too many drinks and ejects the guy from the property, but the drunken clown won't take no for an answer. So, Buck deals with him in his very own special way.
Buck Russell: Get in your mouse and get out of here.
Pooter-the-Clown: Hey you. Let me tell you something, you low-life, lying, four-flushing, sack of shit.
(Buck punches the drunken clown. Pooter-the-Clown shakes his head and growls at Buck before Buck punches him out again)
"And that's how you deal with Pennywise the Clown's drunken brother." Sean said as the doorbell rings. "Hold on."
The young critic gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the door, opening it up, only to see Pennywise the Clown from the 2017 film adaptation of It standing in front of him.
"Hello, Sean. Want a balloon? A nice, shiny red balloon. They float. Oh, they all float. And you will too." Pennywise the Clown said as Sean pulls out Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun and aims it at the killer clown's face.
"Float away, you son of a bitch." Sean said.
"Uh-oh." Pennywise said.
We cut to black and we hear Sean firing his shotgun at Pennywise the Clown.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Tia snuck out of the house and she's hanging out with her friends and you know it's a John Hughes movie when you see teenagers making out in the woods and want to have sex in the car. But then Bug gets Buckblocked when…
(We hear the sound of Buck's car backfiring again)
Sean quickly pulls out his pistol and accidentally shoots his cameraman Dave in the leg.
"Oh, shit! Dave! Dude, I am so sorry I didn't mean to shoot you." Sean said as he ran over to Dave.
"What the hell?! You shot me in the leg!" Dave cried out.
"Hey, just be glad that I didn't shoot you in the face like Dick Cheney. Come on, let's take you to a hospital." Sean said, helping his cameraman up.
Sean: (Narrating) Buck arrives to pick Tia up right before Bug and Tia get freaky with each other and leading to a teen pregnancy. And being the overprotective uncle that he is, he threatens Bug.
Buck Russell: You know what a hatchet is don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck Russell: Sort of. Yeah. I got one in the car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
"Maybe Buck can show you his rifles that he likes to go bug hunting with." Sean said.
Buck Russell: Ah, you know, a situation may come up, say uh… say for example someone's been drinking and about to drive a loved one home. Then, I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill but just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Woosh! The elbow. Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Whoop! Woo! You got both kneecaps?
(A clip from KidBehindACamera's The Truth About Doug… (Part Four) video is shown)
Bridgette: How do you like your knees, Michael?
(Michael gives Bridgette a look, then throws his drink)
Michael: How do I like my knees?
Buck Russell: I like to keep mine razor-sharp, too. Sharp enough you can shave with them. Well, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat, are you Bug? Wait a minute. Bug…gnat. Is there a little similarity there? Whoa! I think there is. (Laughs) You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back.
(We hear the sound of a dog howling as Buck laughs)
"Now, she's definitely gonna hate you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with the eerie music by Ira Newborn, a frequent collaborator for John Hughes, it makes it seem like I'm watching a horror film. Was it John Hughes' intention to turn Uncle Buck into a horror movie? You know, I really am wondering if this was meant to be a legitimate scary film.
(Cutaway Gag)
(The Universal Pictures logo is shown. Then we cut to shots of the movie like it's a trailer for a horror movie.)
(The phone rings as Bob answers the phone)
Bob Russell: Hello? Oh, God.
Cindy Russell: What happened?
Bob Russell: Your dad had a heart attack.
Announcer: A family in crisis.
Cindy Russell: Who's going to watch the kids?
Bob Russell: What about Buck?
Cindy Russell: I don't want him here.
(We see Buck playing The Twilight Zone theme on the piano)
Announcer: A family in desperate need of help.
Tia Russell: Next time you take off, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
(We see Buck smiling)
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Hello?
Buck Russell: You ever hear of a ritual killing?
Announcer: A family that prays together….
(We get a shot of Miles and Maizy asleep in their beds and Tia waking up in her bed. We then see a drill going through the lock of the doorknob and the door being kicked open as we see a silhouette of Buck)
Buck Russell: You remember me?
Announcer: ….is slain together.
Buck Russell: The Uncle Buck./Shave a little meat off the old kneecap.
Announcer: From John Hughes. When the guilty go unpunished… Phone Home.
Bob Russell: Oh, shit.
Announcer: John Candy. Uncle Buck. Trust him… he's family.
(We cut to Buck holding up a hatchet in his hand)
Announcer: Written, produced and directed by John Hughes. Coming soon.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(The next scene cuts to Buck going down to Maizy's school to talk with the school principal)
Sean: (Narrating) So after Buck embarrasses Tia, he goes down to Miles and Maizy's school to talk with the school principal while Tone Loc's Wild Thing starts playing. And this shows how awesome and badass Uncle Buck could be. He can go down to your school wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar when there's clearly no smoking in the school. He enters the principal's office to speak with… (sees the mole on the principal's face) holy guacamole! I'm sorry. We see him speaking with the school principal, Mrs. Hoargarth played by Suzanne Shepherd.
Buck Russell: Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart, not her wart. I'm… I'm the wart. She's my tumor, my…my growth, my, uh…my pimple. I'm "Uncle Wart.". Just old Buck "Wart" Russell, that's what they call me. Or uh, melanoma head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma head's" coming. I'm sorr…uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle. I'm her uncle.
"Hey, be careful with what you say about Carmella Soprano's mo….mo….mooooooo…. mother. Yes, Carmella's mother. Yes, I do realize that she has a huge mole on her face. Did I mention that Suzanne Shepherd played Edie Falco's character's mother Mary DeAngelis in The Sopranos and Lorraine Bracco's character's mother in Goodfellas? I just wanted you guys to mole…know! I just wanted you guys to know! I got to stop saying mole. Mole. Mole. Mole! Moley, moley, moley, moley!" Sean yelled out.
(A clip from Austin Powers in Goldmember is shown)
Basil Exposition (Played by Michael York): Oh, shut up!
"Sorry." Sean apologized. "Mole."
Sean: (Narrating) The assistant principal talks to Buck about Maizy and that she has a problem with Maizy because she's a bad egg and she becomes a bitch about it and Buck defends his little niece and we get another favorite moment of mine from the movie.
Maizy's Teacher (Played by Ron Payne): Maizy.
Maizy Russell: My uncle was microwaving my socks and the dog threw up on the counter for about an hour.
Maizy's Teacher: Honest?
Maizy Russell: Honest.
Maizy's Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maizy Russell: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maizy's Teacher: Blasphemer!
We see Sean breaking down laughing and lies down on his couch while laughing as the clip of Maizy's teacher yelling out "Blasphemer!" is shown again. "Okay, I just love that line delivery coming from that Crispin Glover-lookalike. Hell, that line works every time for somebody who says something. Like so."
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is trying to write some steamy Varchie smut for Riverdale on Fanfiction)
Sean: Geez, I'm stuck having writer's block while trying to write some good Archie/Veronica smut. What is going on here?
Rob: Archie and Veronica? You ship those two? Hey, Fanfiction has mostly Reggie/Veronica smut since they're better than Archie/Veronica because Camilla Mendes is dating Charles Melton.
Sean: (Picks up his ruler) Blasphemer!
(Next Cutaway Gag)
Sean: Okay, so which Star Trek movie is the best movie ever? I say Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
Brian: The Voyage Home?Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is much better.
Lucas: Are you kidding me? The Wrath of Khan is the best film out of the series.
Adam: Well, I say Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is a much better film.
Brian: (Punches his brother in the face) Blasphemer!
(Next Cutaway Gag)
(Sean and Taylor are both sitting on the couch watching television while Sean flips through channel to channel to look for something to watch)
Sean: Oh, yes! Ghostbusters II is on HBO. About time they're showing it again on HBO.
Taylor: Ghostbusters II? Are you serious? It's just like the same film and that one sucked.
Sean: Blasphemer! I'm dating a blasphemer!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Right after the assistant principal bad mouths his niece, Buck let's that lady have it.
Buck Russell: You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you. Take this quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.
(Mrs. Hoargarth gasps)
Buck Russell: (Winks at the assistant principal) Good day to you, madam.
(Buck leaves her office)
Mrs. Hoargarth (Played by Suzanne Shepherd): Next.
"Way to go, Buck! Way to defend your family!" Sean cheered.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Chanice gets a message from Buck on her answering machine with Buck telling her how much he misses her and the message is a bit too revealing.
Buck Russell: (On the answering machine) I think about you all the time. I think about those two little dimples on your buns. (Chuckles)
Chanice Kobolowski: Dimples.
Buck Russell: What did we call them? The one on the right was Lyndon, and the left was…
Chanice Kobolowski: Johnson.
(Chanice chuckles)
Buck Russell: Johnson. No, that was your boobs we named them. No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey. I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix. Felix is what we named your…
(We cut to a shot of the Russell house and we hear a cat meowing)
"Whoa! You do realize that this movie is rated PG, right? And they showed that on Disney Channel! Kids aren't going to understand that one! It's like me naming Taylor's boobs Coop and Cami and Sylvester is the name of her…" Sean said as we cut to a shot of Sean's house and we hear the sound of Riley meowing.
Sean: (Narrating) Chanice calls Buck and Tia, who's still pissed at Buck for ruining her dating life, answers the phone by getting her revenge on Buck by saying that he's with Marcie, the lady across the street. What a super King Kamehameha bitch! Trying to ruin your uncle's relationship because he's ruining your life. What kind of niece are you? The next day, we see Buck doing the laundry by drying the clothes in the microwave and some desperate housewife shows up.
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Is there a big, sexy guy in here?
Buck Russell: Oh, please don't let it be true.
"Look, I've heard of desperate housewives wanting to sleep with guys. But…" Sean said.
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: You don't know what you're doing. You're bored out of your mind, you need a little adult supervision.
Buck Russell: Excuse me?
"Okay, she's a super desperate housewife. She wants to jump his bones!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) And to make matters worse, his girlfriend Chanice arrives and she finds Buck dancing with Marcie. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, shit.
Chanice Kobolowski: Marcie.
Buck Russell: Yeah. Marcie, and, uh…she lives across the road. She came over to…
Chanice Kobolowski: Shut up, Buck.
Buck Russell: That's a good idea.
Chanice Kobolowski: Is this who you were out with last night?
Buck Russell: What? I didn't go out last night. Hey, look. Honest. Honest. I'm telling the truth.
Chanice Kobolowski: You son of a bitch!
"Yikes, when your girlfriend thinks that you're sleeping with the woman who lives across the street and you're not, she's definitely going to be fifty shades of pissed off at you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So much for his love life. Anyway, later that night, Tia asks her Uncle Buck if she could go out tomorrow night and Buck says no.
Tia Russell: You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?
Buck Russell: You mean easy? No.
Tia Russell: I mean decent.
Buck Russell: You mean blind.
Tia Russell: Who are you trying to score points with my parents? How many times have they had you here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck.
Buck Russell: Get used on your parents' time.
(Buck walks away)
Tia Russell: Hey, Buck!
Buck Russell: Yeah.
Tia Russell: Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?
"Geez, Tia. What's the matter with you? Dude, you're just going to let your niece talk to you like that? I'm not for violence against children but if that was me and my teenage niece talks to me like that and ruins my love life, I would go for Option F, for fuck her ass up!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Tia leaves home and sneaks to go to a party at friend's house while Buck waits for her at school, then comes home only to find Miles and Maizy at the house doing their homework. So, Buck decides to take them with him to a racetrack, but Buck starts having second thoughts and decides to go after Tia. So, he calls Chanice, who's still livid at him, for help so she can watch Miles and Maizy while he looks for Tia. And while Buck goes after Tia, Chanice goes over to the house to watch Miles and Maizy and we get this little scene where Miles interrogates Chanice through the mail slot. Fun fact: this scene gave John Hughes the idea for Home Alone.
Chanice Kobolowski: Hi! I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend.
Miles Russell: May I see your driver's license, ma'am?
Chanice Kobolowski: Yeah. Sure. Good idea. Here! I got it! See? Look. Look!
(Chanice shows Miles her driver's license)
Miles Russell: Can you please take it out of there?
Chanice Kobolowski: Take it out?
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Buck is on his way to this big party where Tia is at with Bug, and we see that Bug…
(We see Bug trying to have sex with some girl that's supposed to be Tia)
"Uh, hey. I'm keeping an eye on you PG movie. I had to deal with your sexual innuendos and language. We do not need to see teen sex in a family film." Sean said.
(Bug takes off the girl's pants, revealing her panties)
Girl: Stop it, please.
Sean: (V/O) Oh, dear.
Girl: I don't want to do this.
Bug: Just relax.
"Okay! I'm gonna stop right there. You're trying to show rape in a PG movie. Hughes, what were you thinking?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Right before things go too far, Buck interrupts Bug and Tia by kicking the door open and armed with a power drill. But he sees Bug with another girl and not Tia. So, Buck kidnaps Bug. Anyway, Buck eventually finds Tia wandering through the streets and she tells him that he was right about Bug for taking advantage of her. And then we get this moment between Buck and Tia.
Buck Russell: I've been riding your butt all week about how you live your life. I realize maybe somebody should've been riding mine.
We cut to Sean spitting out his coffee.
Buck Russell: I really could use your advice, vis-à-vis Chanice. I've been, uh, stringing her along for about eight years now. Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
"I know what the hell is wrong with you, you're a slob!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Tia apologizes to Buck and the two make up as she asks him if he did anything to Bug. Well, he has Bug tied up in the trunk of his car and Buck asks him to apologize to Tia for hurting her.
Bug: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ok, asshole? I'm sorry!
Buck Russell: I don't know if I told you this but I'm an amateur dentist.
Tia Russell: Oh, yes. He is.
(Tia is holding a power drill while laughing maniacally)
"Jesus, Kim Warner was crazy in her teen years." Sean said as his eyes widened in shock.
Sean: (Narrating) Bug apologizes as Buck lets him out of the trunk of the car. Well, at least Bug won't do anything stupid like talking shit to him….
Bug: Well, come on back, and I'll kick your ass, man! Chicken shit! You're dead!
Sean rolls his eyes and slaps his forehead in disgust. "Dude, do you have a death wish? You can't just threaten the guy. He's gonna kill you."
Bug: Shit.
(He starts running away while Buck backs up)
Bug: I'm gonna sue your balls off, man! Why don't you come again? Come on! Come on, man! I'm going to sue you and I'm gonna sue your whole family.
"Oh, that's right. Keep talking shit, man. You're only making it worse for yourself." Sean said.
(Buck pulls out a 5 wood)
Sean: (V/O) Oh, shit. Buck's about to go Payne Stewart on his ass!
(Buck hits Bug with a golf ball)
Buck Russell: Yes, sir!
Bug: You son of a bitch! That hurt! Hey, hey, hey! I'm not sorry, all right? (Laughs) I ain't sorry for shit!
"Alright, Buck. Now, hit that bozo in the eye with the golf ball." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Buck helps Tia out with her Bug problem….
(A comedic drum roll rimshot is heard)
Sean: (Narrating) Tia helps Buck out with his Chanice problem, by helping him reconcile with Chanice by admitting her lie. She even tells Chanice that Buck would be a good husband and father.
Tia Russell: I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father.
Chanice Kobolowski: You do?
Tia Russell: Oh, yeah. My sister and brother adore him. Um, he really has changed since he's been here this week. He really has changed. He's responsible and caring and loving and enthusiastic…
"Are you sure he's not standing behind the door, whispering everything for her to say about him?" Sean asked.
(Chanice kicks the door open, hitting Buck in the face, sending him flying to the floor as we hear a comedic tweeting sound after Buck gets knocked out)
Sean chuckles a bit. "This is why I love these John Hughes movies, they tend to play some of the most comedic sound effects ever."
Buck Russell: Hi, honey! Is the coffee ready? Ha ha. A little thirsty. By the way, I have told you I loved you, you know? And it wasn't for tires, sweetheart. It was for shocks, remember?
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Buck reconciles with Chanice and Bob and Cindy return from Indianapolis after Cindy's father recovered and Tia surprises her mother.
(Tia hugs her mother)
"You know, I could do a Home Alone joke and replace Hugh Harris' Rhythm of Life with John Williams' music score, but I don't want to because I love this song and it works for this tender moment between a daughter reconciling with her mother." Sean said.
(Buck knocks down the pots and pans in the kitchen)
Buck Russell: Shit!
"Well, parents. Aren't you glad you took your kids to see that movie just to hear John Candy cursing?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.
"Way to ruin the moment, Buck." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with Buck and Chanice leaving for Chicago and Buck and Tia exchange a loving goodbye wave.
(Buck and Tia wave goodbye to each other)
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Hugh Harris' Rhythm of Life and I really like this song. The end.
"And that was Uncle Buck and this movie still holds up great." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Although, the film received mixed reviews from critics, I still find it to be very enjoyable. It's a fun, funny, underrated, must-watch, nostalgic classic with a funny character. It's one of the greatest comedies and one of my favorites from the late John Hughes. John Candy is hilarious as the loveable, fun-loving bachelor, Jean Louisa Kelly as the rebellious teen and Macauley Culkin and Gaby Hoffman as the adorable siblings Maizy and Miles, Amy Madigan as Buck's girlfriend and Jay Underwood as the douchebag a-hole boyfriend. These characters are memorable. And the lines are memorable as well along with some of the most funniest scenes. After the film's release, the movie gained a large following and became a cult film.
"After the film was released in 1989, there was a sitcom that aired on CBS in 1990 based on the film." Sean said.
(Clips from the 1990 sitcom is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that some of you want me to talk about the show and I'm gonna. Yeah, I found out about it when I read about it in an issue of Entertainment Weekly. The show stars the late Kevin Meaney as the title character. In the show, Buck is named the guardian to Tia, Miles and Maizy after their parents Bob and Cindy die in a car accident. The show also stars Dah-Ve Chodan as his teenage niece Tia and Jacob Gelman and Sarah Martineck as her siblings Miles and Maizy.
Tia Russell (Played by Dah-Ve Chodan): Then Uncle Buck, you're stepping on my private life.
Buck Russell (Played by the late Kevin Meaney): I'll be stepping on more than that if I don't like this guy.
Sean: (Narrating) I've checked out a couple of episodes of the show on YouTube and I thought it was okay. I thought that Kevin Meaney did a pretty good job as the title character, but I still say that John Candy is much better Uncle Buck.
"And then in 2016, there was the Uncle Buck reboot that aired on ABC and it starred Mike Epps as the title character. Yeah, Mike Epps from the movies Next Friday, Friday After Next and the Starz show Survivor's Remorse. And do you want to know what I think about the show? IT FUCKING SUCKS!" Sean yelled out. "People can hate on the Ghostbusters reboot featuring an all-female team. And you know how I feel about reboots. I don't have a problem with Uncle Buck being a reboot with an all-black cast, but seriously? I watched only one episode of the show and I stopped watching it after that. What the hell were they thinking?! Uncle Buck is not a Star Wars property! I love the movie. John Candy was hilarious, Macauley Culkin was amazing. The movie was fucking amazing and I've seen it like 500 times. Hell, people who seen the movie and watched the trailer for the show, they thought it was trash. If I want to watch a show with an all-black cast, I'd stick with Black-ish, it's a much better show than Uncle Buck! Hollywood, here's a little message for you and you should learn this from Scream 4, don't fuck with the original!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Enough about me ranting, anyway the film's pretty good and when you come across this little nostalgic gem, feel free to check it out. That's why I'm giving Uncle Buck 4 big-ass pancakes out of 5.
"And that is all for my review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, ending today's review.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Wake up! (Horn blows)
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of the movie Uncle Buck. I hope that you all enjoyed reading reading this hilarious review. Any moments that had you cracking up while reading it? Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a break from reviewing movies and this time, he reviews some old nostalgic commercials in Commercials: The Phantom Menace. Any classic commercials for me to check out for this one? Feel free to let me know. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.