The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a break from looking at nostalgic movies and decides to look at old commercials from the 80's and 90's. This is the very first Commercials special for The Mayhem Critic. So sit back, relax, grab yourself something to snack on and let's take a look at nostalgic commercials in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.
Episode Thirty-Nine
Commercials: The Phantom Menace
We find Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the recliner in his living room wearing a Cap'n Crunch t-shirt while chowing down on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and Double Stuff Oreos piled on top of him while. The young critic is also seen watching television.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before stuffing his face with an Oreo cookie. "Okay, so you're probably wondering "What is this lazy bum doing?", well I've been watching old commercials on my YouTube app on my TV and I felt like watching some nostalgic TV."
(We start by seeing various commercials that we watched during our childhood)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Nintendo 64. I remember your commercial when you first advertised after you released in North America. You amazed us with your power with 64-bit technology, 360 degree viewing, 3D graphics that blew our minds.
"You definitely changed the system, old friend." Sean said as he starts munching on some Doritos.
(We then get footage from an Obsession commercial from 1996)
Man: The accused stands before you on trial for his sins.
Man #2: Forgive me, I loved you all.
Sean: (Narrating) Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. You gave us a creepy-ass commercial where some guy is on trial for his sins because he was living with obsession.
Man #2: If living with obsession is a sin, let me be guilty.
"What is it with commercials. What is it about them that draws us, the viewer into them? They're so inviting and yet gives us comfort. Plus, as kids, when we watch them we bugged our parents to get what we saw on television until their heads explode. Originally, I was supposed to review a little Thanksgiving movie since Thanksgiving is next week, but you know what I am going to bring you my very first commercials special. Hey, if the Nostalgia Critic can do an episode dedicated to commercials, then I can too. Welcome to a segment that I like to call, Commercials: The Phantom Menace." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We see an ABC Saturday Morning Bumper featuring the dog What-a-Mess from 1994, a Fox Kids Network Bumper from 1992 featuring Dynamo Duck, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988)
(TV static transition to: Crash Bandicoot commercial)
(A guy dressed as Crash Bandicoot arrives at Nintendo Headquarters)
Crash Bandicoot: (Speaking through the megaphone) Hey, Plumber Boy! Mustache Man! Your worst nightmare has arrived.
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little commercial from 1996 advertising for the new game Crash Bandicoot on the PlayStation. He appears on the parking lot and he trashes Nintendo. That was back when he waged war on Nintendo. I call it the Nintendo/PlayStation War.
Crash Bandicoot: Pack up your stuff, I got a little surprise for you here. (He reveals 6 TVs, showing gameplay from the game) Check it out. What do you think about that? You got real time, 3D, lush organic environments. How's that make you feel, buddy?
"Yeah, I also got levels that'll make you rage till you break your controller." Sean said, imitating the man dressed as Crash Bandicoot.
Sean: (Narrating) It was back during the time when I owned an Nintendo 64 before I switched over to the PlayStation 2.
(We see a photo of Sean with his Xbox One, Xbox One X and his PlayStation 4)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, the times have changed.
Crash Bandicoot: Feel a little like your electric day are numbered?
"And you want to know what the ironic thing is? Crash Bandicoot is on the Nintendo Switch. Oh, have the tables have turned." Sean said. "You know, since he's on Plumber Boy's console now, do you think that they'll make-up?"
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's dressed as Crash Bandicoot, and Brian, who's dressed as Mario, sitting in Chandler's Burger Bistro having lunch)
Sean: (as Crash Bandicoot) Look, I know that I have been giving you and your console shit 22 years ago and talking bad about you. Since, my remastered trilogy is going to be on the Nintendo Switch since last year my game was both on the PlayStation 4 and the Xbox One, I was hoping that we could put the past behind us and be friends?
Brian: (as Mario while eating a Pub Platter Sandwich) Sure. All is forgiven. You'll be on the same console as me and another character who was on my console.
(Brian points to Adam, who's dressed as Mega Man)
Adam: (as Mega Man) Hey.
Crash Bandicoot: Hey, we got him after he jumped ship from the Super Nintendo.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least him and Plumber Boy are friends now.
Security Guard: (While escorting Crash off of the parking lot) Is that Italian?
Crash Bandicoot: No, bandicoot. It's an Australian name.
(TV static transition to: Shrinky Dinks commercial)
Background Singers: Make the fun shine!
Children: Shrinky Dinks!
"Hey, watch it! This is a family-friendly fanfic." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, what is the big deal with those things? I've never owned them when I was a kid.
Chorus: Color in a Shrinky Dink. Cut out a Shrinky Dink. Then mom fix it and right before your eyes, your Shrinky Dink shrinks right down to size.
Background Vocal: Like magic.
Sean: (Narrating) So, you color in a Shrinky Dink, then you cut it out and put it in the oven and it shrinks right down to size before your very eyes. Does anyone remember those things?
Little Girl: Fabulous.
Little Boy: Fantastic.
"Yeah, right. I find that boring. That's not even remotely fun. Just playing around with shrunken colorful paper. What an amazing day to have fun." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the little boy's reaction while he's holding the Shrinky Dink.
Little Boy: Fantastic.
Sean: (Narrating) It's like he's not interested in playing with it. He's not amazed.
"Wow, it's amazing. I want to play my G.I. Joes." Sean said, in a disinterested tone.
Sean: (Narrating) But, oh, well. It's a fun way to make your day shine.
Background Singers: Shrinky Dinks make the fun shine!
Announcer: By Colorform.
(TV static transition to: Oreo commercial circa 1983)
(We see a boy with glasses putting together a Tinker Toy set. The boy gets an idea, smiling and picks up an Oreo cookie)
Announcer: (singing) Oh, oh, oh! Bright ideas and an Oreo cookie….
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we all remember that classic jingle for Oreo. We all remember what to do to an Oreo cookie. We can dunk it, we can crunch it, we can unscrew it, we can lick it and we can even fry it. Yeah, there's fried Oreos. Although, while watching this commercial, I just love the kids' reactions to eating an Oreo cookie. They have some of the silliest reactions.
(We see the kids' reactions to eating an Oreo cookie)
Sean: (Narrating and recognizes the young black boy in the commercial) Hell, you can even spot a young Jaleel White in this commercial.
"No, I'm not kidding. That's Jaleel White." Sean said, pointing away from the camera.
(We see a young Jaleel White eating an Oreo cookie)
Sean: (V/O as Steve Urkel) Did I do that?
(We then see one boy eating an Oreo cookie. He looks directly into the camera as his eyes widen in excitement)
Sean: (Narrating) Take a look at this kid. I hate to be mean but that kid just creeps me the fuck out. He's just eating his Oreo cookie. It looks like he's staring directly into your soul.
(Jerry Goldsmith's Ave Satani from The Omen starts playing, cutting back to the wide-eyed boy)
"Quick, don't look directly into the boy's eyes!" Sean yelled out, covering his eyes.
Announcer: Oreo and Oreo Double Stuff cookies.
(We see the words "Nabisco Brands" appear next to the Nabisco logo while we hear a "ding" sound)
(TV static transition: Big Time Action Heroes toy commercial)
(We see a giant Wolverine toy walking through a suburban neighborhood and we see the Giant Wolverine toy duking it out with a Giant Spider-Man toy)
Announcer: Time to do battle with those Big Time Action Heroes.
Sean: (Narrating) Whoa, this is like a Marvel fan's wet dream. I remember watching that commercial on my old Beetleborgs/Power Rangers Zeo tape when I was a kid and I remember watching Wolverine and Spidey duking it out. Yeah, they're these giant toys that you control with the big time battle grip and you have our heroes fighting.
Announcer: Make the big guys walk! Make the big guys talk!
Wolverine: Let's go, punk!
Sean: (Narrating) This is like watching a commercial for a Godzilla toy commercial. You have Godzilla duking it out with King Ghidora in Tokyo, but instead of Godzilla and King Ghidora, you have Wolverine and Spider-Man fighting to the death in the suburbs while people in the neighborhood are running for their lives and watching them. It's like only one person will leave the suburbs alive.
Spider-Man: Spider-sting!
Wolverine: Let's go, punk!
"I don't care if I died in my R-rated Wolverine movie, I'm still badass to kill you with my claws and squash you like a bug, you PG-13, kid-friendly superhero." Sean said, imitating Wolverine. "Time to die, motherfucker! AHHHHHHHH!"
Sean: (Narrating) These guys gave us an awesome commercial with two awesome superheroes and we wanted those awesome toys.
Announcer: Spider-Man and Wolverine, the biggest big-time action heroes ever! Each sold separately.
(TV static transition: Johnson Boat Commercial)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, a boat commercial. How nice.
Singer: You got your sunrise, you caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.
Sean makes a confused look on his face. "Excuse me, what?"
Singer: You, your mate and your Johnson.
"Excuse me?" Sean asked with the same confused look on his face.
Singer: Party nights, summer whites. You, your friends and your Johnson. Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson.
We cut to Sean doing a spit take at that line.
Singer: You, your kids and your Johnson.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it now. You keep the kids out of this." Sean said, glaring at the video camera.
Singer: Saturday nights, distant lights. You, your girl and your Johnson.
"HEY! No need for that! What is the matter with you? What is with that commercial? I'm sorry if I have an immature mind but this commercial can be taken the wrong way. How am I supposed to know if they're talking about boats but they're talking about penises! Boy, commercials with innuendos. They need to use that joke in the Animaniacs reboot. That would definitely be a "Goodnight, everybody" moment. A commercial talking about Johnsons. We got Johnsons everywhere! Why am I talking about Johnsons?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)
The Dude (Played by Jeff Bridges): …Johnson?
"Enough with the Johnson!" Sean yelled out.
Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.
"Shut up!" Sean yelled out as he picked up his remote control.
(TV static transition: Superman 64 commercial)
(We see a newspaper from the Daily Planet with the headline "LOIS LANE AND JIMMY OLSEN HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED!")
Announcer: Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen have been kidnapped. Who will save the day?
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, taking off his glasses and making a facepalm.
(We see gameplay from Superman 64)
Announcer: You are Superman.
(More footage from the video game is shown)
Announcer: All the powers are yours. Flight, heat vision, super speed, super strength, freezing breath and x-ray vision.
We see Sean's eye twitching while he continues to watch the commercial while trying to keep his cool.
Announcer: Superman: The New Adventures video game.
Sean stays silent for a bit.
Sean: (V/O) Warning: What you're about to witness is a rant so awesome and badass it will definitely blow your nuts off. You've been warned.
"Okay. So, a lot of you want me to talk about this commercial. Yeah, we were definitely duped into getting that game. When we saw the commercial, we saw it was going to awesome since we're all fans of the show. When I saw the commercial, I wanted to play the game. And when we all bought the game and when I rented it from Blockbuster and when we put it in our Nintendo 64 and turned on the console…WE WERE TREATED TO A HEAPING PILE OF SHIT! They gave us a game that makes us fly around rings and give us clunky controls. When you look at the commercial, you'll notice that you didn't see any rings, but in the game we get FUCKING RINGS! That's not what I want in my Superman game. I don't want to spend my time flying around rings!" Sean yelled.
Announcer: Buy early and receive a DC Comics collector's edition Superman comic book.
"Oh, yeah. We'll give you a Superman comic book for all the pain and suffering we've caused you with this video game. Bastards!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I got nothing else to say but…. FUCK THIS GAME!
Announcer: Superman: The New Adventures video game.
(TV static transition to: HBO 1982 Feature Presentation bumper)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this has got to be one of the most amazing bumpers I've ever seen in my entire life.
"Let's say that you're watching the movie Tag on HBO, what is it that you see before the movie starts?" Sean asked.
(We see the current HBO feature presentation bumper from 2017)
"Right. That's really amazing. Now, let's take a look at the HBO feature presentation bumper from 1982." Sean said.
(The feature presentation bumper begins to fly over a cityscape as the music begins to build)
"What is this whimsical music I'm hearing?" Sean asked.
(The bumper continues to fly over the city)
"I always said I believe I can fly and look at me now, ma! I'm flying! Through a model city but I'm still flying." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) And man, the music just builds up and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, building to a crescendo as the bumper flies into space and we get…
(A starburst in space and the HBO logo appears with the Feature Presentation theme starts to play)
"HBO!" Sean yelled out in excitement.
Sean: (Narrating) A movie that shows movies uncut with all the bad words and nudity intact. And they gave us provocative programming like The Sopranos, Oz and Game of Thrones.
"But hey, there's something special, something magical hidden in the O, What could it be?" Sean asked.
(The HBO logo rotates in front of the screen. We see multiple color streaks rotating around the "O" as the camera moves inside the "O")
"WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sean yelled out.
(We see a shot inside the "O" as we see more colorful streaks until the words "HBO Feature Presentation" form from the streaks of color)
"Man, that was amazing! And you want to know what else is amazing? Let's take a look at the HBO feature presentation bumper from 1987." Sean said.
(The HBO Feature Presentation bumper from 1987 is shown. Instead of the classic Feature Presentation theme from 1982, we get a rocking new theme.)
We then cut to Sean, who's busy playing his guitar to the theme.
(We see the colorful dots light up and the camera zooms out with the words "HBO Movie" shown)
"Man, that was awesome. I mean, fucking awesome! Would you rather watch this?" Sean asked.
(The current logo is shown again)
"Or would you rather watch this?" Sean asked.
(The 1982 bumper is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Or this?
(The 1987 bumper is shown)
"HBO, you have to bring these two back. But first, you and Dish Network have got to end your dispute with each other. If Dish Network doesn't end the dispute, then I will go down there and I will go all Rains of Castamere on their asses!" Sean exclaimed as he pulled out a sword and a crossbow.
Sean: (Narrating) Even if the movie you're showing would have to be the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot… it'll be a bit better with these two intros.
(The HBO feature presentation bumper from 1987 is shown as well as Bronn from Game of Thrones popping up next to the "HBO Movie" caption.)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fucking Lannister.
(TV static transition to: Coca-Cola commercial from 1984 with Bill Cosby)
Bill Cosby: Ready to drink, Coca-Cola.
"Oh, dear lord." Sean said.
Bill Cosby: Yeah, whenever you pour a Coca-Cola into a glass right then and there it's ready to drink. Really. Unless you want to make it as sweet as say Pepsi. If you did then you have to add some sweetener, you'd have to spoon it, you'd have to stir it up, then drink it 'cause Pepsi's sweeter.
"What the hell are you talking about, Cosby?" Sean asked.
Bill Cosby: See, that's the beauty of Coke. The only thing you have to do to make a perfect Coca-Cola is pour it, maybe add some ice. Ready to drink Coca-Cola, now.
(The "Coke is it!" tagline pops up next to Cosby while he's holding a can of Coca-Cola)
"Okay, where do I begin? I mean, it's Bill Cosby in a Coca-Cola commercial. And I know that a lot of you are waiting for me to make a bad joke about Bill Cosby what he's done. I can't make fun of the poor guy, he's been through a lot." Sean said.
Bill Cosby: Coke is sweet and less than all of those. Now, what does that mean to me?
"This Coke is less sweet and best tasting. It not sweet like the rest of the sodas. With Pepsi, it has a lot of sugar in it because they add the sweetener and they have to spoon it and you stir it up and drink it." Sean said, imitating Bill Cosby.
Sean: (Narrating) And really? Ready to drink? Isn't Coca-Cola ready to drink in a can? All you do is get a glass and fill it with ice and then you pour Coca-Cola in the glass.
Bill Cosby: Attention, Pepsi drinkers. Introducing the new-tasting Coca-Cola, the best Coca-Cola ever. That's all I'm going to say, in fact that's all I have to say. No more words.
"But hey, New Coke is not ready unless you add the rohypnol." Sean said as an audience boos at his bad joke. "What? What?! Hey, don't act like you didn't know! Don't act like that I was going to make a joke about Cosby!"
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, I'm a Pepsi drinker and since I was born in '92, I'm a Pepsi baby. It's a good thing I haven't drank New Coke. And I shouldn't trust that glass of ready to drink Coca-Cola that Bill Cosby has.
Bill Cosby: Ready to drink, Coca-Cola. Now.
Singers: Coke is it!
(TV static transition to: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers toy commercial)
(We see the Power Rangers logo)
Announcer: It's the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Teenage defenders of Earth.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now we're talkin'. One of the greatest toy commercials ever. Remember when you owned like one of the episodes of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers on VHS? I owned Food Fight and that stupid Alpha's Magical Christmas.
(A VHS tape of Alpha's Magical Christmas is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that happened. And we'll get to that one soon. But anyway, let's talk about the commercial. Yeah, we have some kid playing with his Power Rangers toys while cutting to clips from the show and while playing with his toy, this happens.
Black Ranger: Hey, I thought you were driving?
Red Ranger: Me? I thought you were.
(We see the kid playing with his Dinozord as the Black Ranger and the Red Ranger scream and we get a shot of a wall exploding. The boy is standing in his room, covered in dust and smoke while holding his Dinozord. He turns around and sees a giant hole in the wall)
"Jesus Christ, kid!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Was he controlling the Dinozord? Man, playtime can be dangerous. And I have one quick question: where are this kid's parents? Are they out somewhere with the other adults? Or are they just downstairs in the kitchen wondering what their kid is doing?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Brian, playing the father and Cheryl, playing the mother, sitting in the kitchen. Brian is drinking some coffee while Cheryl is fixing some eggs until they hear an explosion coming from their son's room)
Cheryl: (Stops cooking the eggs and looks up) What was that?
Brian: That must be little Jimmy playing his Power Rangers Dinozord in his room. He must be having a lot of fun up there.
Cheryl: Jimmy? Jimmy, are you alright up there?
(We see Sean, as their son, standing in his room holding his Power Rangers Dinozord. We see his room is destroyed.)
Sean: I'm fine, mom.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, a pretty cool commercial for an awesome toy even if you're in the need for destruction.
Announcer: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Too hot to handle.
(TV static transition to: Herbal Essences commercial)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you all remember these commercials.
Announcer: Women love shampooing with Clairol's Herbal Essences.
(We see a woman in the shower washing her hair with Herbal Essences shampoo)
"Is it just me or has commercials gotten sexy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They show some hot woman taking a shower and she starts washing her hair with this shampoo, and all of a sudden she gets an orgasmic kick from washing her hair.
Woman: (While washing her hair) Oh, wow.
Announcer: You'll be overwhelmed of the organic herbs, the all-natural botanicals.
(The woman washes her hair, then gets an orgasmic experience)
Woman: Feels so good.
"I wonder how the husband feels if his wife was getting some pleasure in the shower with the shampoo. I had to deal with Taylor shampooing her hair with that stuff, I thought she was lezzing it out with Bailey Brooke in the shower. Which is not a bad idea, by the way. I would definitely watch that hot show." Sean smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, it makes me wonder. What if they made an Herbal Essence for men? What would the commercials be like if they advertised the shampoo for men?
"If they did, then I don't think that they'll show the commercials. They'll probably be really dirty." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies, if your man isn't getting you off or the shower head, then this shampoo will give you a totally "orgasmic" experience.
Announcer: Herbal Essences, a totally organic experience.
(A clip from When Harry Met Sally is shown)
Older Woman Customer (Played by the late Estelle Reiner): I'll have what she's having.
(TV static transition to: Super Smash Bros. commercial)
(We see Mario, Pikachu, Yoshi and Donkey Kong skipping together through a field while Happy Together by The Turtles are playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, this commercial definitely brought back some nostalgic feels. This is the first commercial for Super Smash Bros. on the Nintendo 64 and yeah, I loved the idea of having your favorite characters beating the living crapola out of each other. I mean come on, it's just a cute commercial. It's not like one of the characters is going to do something shocking….
(All of a sudden, Mario kicks Yoshi in the leg, knocking him down to the ground)
"What the hell?" Sean asked.
(Donkey Kong retaliates by punching Mario on the head)
"Jesus Christ!" Sean said with a shocked look on his face.
(We see Mario and Donkey Kong beating up on Yoshi, Donkey Kong grabbing Pikachu by his tail and swinging him around)
"Sweet heavenly father!" Sean winced.
Don LaFontaine: (V/O) Something's gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo.
"You're damn right something's gone wrong! We have our favorite characters beating the shit out of each other. This commercial was being cutesy until it turned into a bloodbath in the gladiator ring." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Although I have one question to ask, why did Mario kick Yoshi? Why did he start the fight? Did he have some sort of Vietnam-style flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him?
(A clip of Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island plays, showing a crying Baby Mario being spirited away by Kamek's toadies.)
Sean: (V/O as Mario) That's for losing me, you green asshole.
"Yeah, that's probably what happened." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And I can get why Mario punched Donkey Kong in the gut because he kidnapped Pauline. I wonder if Dashie saw that commercial because he doesn't like Donkey Kong. If he did, then he would jizz in his pants if he saw Donkey Kong getting his ass kicked by Mario and Yoshi. The commercial was funny and violent and we loved it.
Don LaFontaine: (V/O) Only on Nintendo 64.
(We then see Yoshi hitting Donkey Kong in the head with a hammer, knocking him to the ground as we see the N from the Nintendo 64 logo spinning around his head like circling tweeting birds before cutting to the tagline for the N64: "Get N or Get Out")
(TV static transition to: Ayds commercial)
Woman: Mmmm, candy!
"Ah, a candy commercial. How sweet?" Sean asked, taking a sip from his can of Pepsi.
Woman: I'm losing weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds.
Sean freezes in shock as Pepsi runs out of his mouth.
Woman #2: Ayds helps put me in control.
Man: Ayds may taste like candy….
Sean is still frozen in shock as he continues to stare at the screen.
Linda Parker: Ayds help me lose weight, and has nothing in it that could make me nervous.
"Lady, I have to disagree with you on that. You should be nervous." Sean said.
Woman #3: Why not try Ayds?
"Nope! No! No! No!" Sean yelled out.
Man #2: Question: Why take diet pills when you can enjoy Ayds?
"I can think of a lot of reasons. It killed Freddie Mercury, Paul Shenar, Anthony Perkins, Ryan White and Denholm Elliot." Sean said.
Announcer: Let the Ayds plan teach you how to take off weight and help keep it off. Try Peanut Butter Ayds.
Sean stays silent for a bit and picks up his remote, preparing to change to the next commercial.
Announcer: Lose weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds.
"Next!" Sean yelled out.
(TV static transition to: Wunder Boner commercial)
(We see three men fishing on a boat until one of them ends up catching a fish.)
"Ah, a fishing commercial. Looks harmless enough." Sean sighed in relief.
Man #1: Okay, who wants to clean and de-bone 'em.
Dave: I'll do it.
(Dave's friends look at him.)
"Uh, what is this? Am I watching a scene from Deliverance?" Sean asked.
Dave: Just wait 'til you see what I've got.
(Dave grabs a box)
Dave: It's the Wunder Boner!
"Okay, this is Deliverance!" Sean exclaimed with a stunned look on his face.
Man #1: (Laughs) The Wunder Boner?
Dave: Ah, you laugh now. Just watch. You just assemble the Wunder Boner stand steel rods like this, take the fish, and… (he proceeds to de-bone the fish with the Wunder Boner)
Man #2: The Wunder Boner!
"Okay! Please tell me when you first heard the name Wunder Boner, it didn't make you laugh. Well, it did when I saw them talk about the commercial on an episode of World's Smartest Inventions. Hell, when the Nostalgia Critic talked about this commercial on Return of the Commercials and when he said the name "Wunder Boner" to a crowd of people, they all laughed. I would laugh too if I heard the name "Wunder Boner". I would laugh my ass off." Sean said.
Man #2: The Wunder Boner!
Man #1: My wife would like that.
"Yeah, I know your wife would totally like that." Sean winked naughtily.
Sean: (Narrating) I wonder how many times I can fit the word "Boner" into each sentence.
"You know, I've been trying to get a boner for a really long time. Because of this commercial, I finally got a boner from watching it and I am stoked for using my boner on Taylor. I have the most magnificent boner ever. Boner." Sean said.
Man #2: So, uh, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner?
Dave: It's funny you should ask.
"No, no, No! No! No! No! No! Fuck, no! I do not need to know where you got your Wunder Boner from!" Sean yelled out.
Announcer: Order your Wunder Boner now.
(TV static transition to: McDonald's McDLT commercial from 1985)
Jason Alexander: Hey! You say you're getting tired of lettuce and tomato hamburgers in this town that don't quite make it?
Crowd: Yeah!
Jason Alexander: You say that just once you like your hamburger hot and your lettuce and tomato cool and crisp all at the same time?
Crowd: Yeah!
"Wow, I've never seen anything like that in my entire life…. Jason Alexander with a full head of hair!" Sean said in amazement. "I wonder what he's shelling out to the crowd."
Jason Alexander: Well I say, "You got it." I'm talking McDonald's new lettuce and tomato hamburger, the McDLT.
"Okay, now whatever you don't start singing about it…." Sean said.
Jason Alexander: (Sings) You got the quarter pound beef on the hot, hot side.
"Oh, goddamn it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I know a lot of you remember McDonald's lettuce and tomato hamburger the McDLT or you might've known it as the Big 'N Tasty. It's a hamburger that was sold in a unique packaging where you have the hamburger and the bottom bun prepared separately from the lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese, sauce and the top bun and they're both packed into a two-sided container. Thus, you have the hot on one end and the hot stays hot and you have the other end on the cool, cool side….
Cool: (Sings) And the cool stays cool.
Jason Alexander: The new McDLT.
"Jerry! Hey, Jerry! That's me! I told you that I was on a McDonald's commercial. Jerry? Jerry!" Sean yelled, imitating George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Sean: (Narrating) I found out about this commercial when I was reading the Notes About Nothing trivia on one of my Seinfeld DVDs and I had to check out the commercial myself.
"And by God, I was laughing my ass off when I saw the commercial. I mean, it's George Costanza singing about a McDonald's sandwich." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Could you imagine if the McDLT song was his answering machine message instead of him singing to the Greatest American Hero theme song?
(A clip from the Seinfeld season eight episode The Susie is shown)
(Jerry calls George and he gets his machine, the answering machine message with the McDLT jingle performed by Jason Alexander)
"McDonald's, you have to bring this sandwich back." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't care if you guys have the McRib out for a limited time or that smokehouse sandwich, you have to bring this back. Bring it back for a limited time or keep it for good. I want my McDLT and bring back Jason Alexander to do the commercial for the return of the McDLT. It would be awesome.
Jason Alexander: (Sings) It's a good time.
Crowd: (Sings) Hot beefy McD.
Jason Alexander: (Sings) For a great taste.
Crowd: (Sings) Cool crisp LT.
Jason Alexander and Crowd: (Sings) At McDonald's!
Jason Alexander: Could be the best tasting lettuce and tomato hamburger ever!
Crowd: (Sings) New McDLT.
"And there you have it. That was my look at commercials. I hope that you all had a lot of fun and so did I. Thanks for joining me and I hope that your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening and I hope that you give your gal a totally organic experience. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time when I take a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies ever." Sean said.
(A clip from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is shown)
Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): Those aren't pillows!
(Del screams as him and Neal immediately jump out of bed)
Next Time:
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You and your Johnson.
And that was it for Commercials I: The Phantom Menace. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Any nostalgic commercials that I missed or that I didn't mention in this chapter, feel free to let me know. Next time, Sean takes a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies from the late, great John Hughes. A little movie called Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I can't wait for you all to read it. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow this story for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.