The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter for The Mayhem Critic. Well, Thanksgiving is coming up in like seven days, so I'd figure that I take a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies of all time, the John Hughes 1987 comedy Planes, Trains and Automobiles. So sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious review in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Planes, Trains and Automobiles is owned by Paramount Pictures and Hughes Entertainment.
Episode Forty
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room. He is seen wearing a green Thanksgiving sweater with the words "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" written on it. Sean starts sipping on his cup of hot apple cider while he prepares to talk about today's movie.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, Thanksgiving is coming and I invite you guys to partake in a little tradition that I like to do every year. And no, it does not involve standing outside and freezing your asses off in a line waiting for Best Buy to open up and beat down somebody for a PS4 Pro or a Macbook Air on Black Friday. Actually, we're going to be talking about one of the greatest Thanksgiving movies ever."
(A photo of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Nope, not that one.
(The poster for the Jodie Foster-directed film Home for the Holidays is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, not that one.
(The poster for the movie Son in Law and a photo of Pauly Shore is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, hell no!
(The poster for the movie Dutch is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You're close.
"Besides, Dutch was written by the same guy who's the writer and director of today's film. That's right, I'm going to review another John Hughes film that's fun for the whole family." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks!
"Uh, did I say "Fun for the whole family."? No, I mean this is John Hughes for adults. This is Planes, Trains and Automobiles." Sean said.
(The title card is shown while ETA's I Can Take Anything starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 25th, 1987 and written, produced and directed by John Hughes, this hilarious comedy stars Steve Martin and the late, great John Candy. Every November and every Thanksgiving, I crack out the Planes, Trains and Automobiles DVD and I laugh a lot from watching this movie. It's another one of my favorite John Hughes movies ever. The story follows an ad executive who's trying to get home to his family for Thanksgiving and he comes across a clumsy shower curtain ring salesman and he ends up getting the worst luck in his life.
"And when I say that this movie is John Hughes for adults, you'll see why this is John Hughes for adults. This is not a John Hughes teen comedy, this is a John Hughes adult comedy. We've stepped out of the teen years and now we're in the adult years. And then we're back to family-friendly John Hughes entertainment with The Great Outdoors, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Curly Sue, Dutch and Dennis the Menace. Anyway, grab yourself a big plate of food, this is John Hughes' Planes, Trains and Automobiles." Sean said as he looked around the room. "Can somebody get me a turkey drumstick?"
Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts as we see the title of the movie literally whizzing right past us. The film opens in New York City and the film let's us know that it's two days before Thanksgiving. We're introduced to our main character of the movie Neal Page, played by Steve Martin. Neal Page is an advertising executive and we see that he's on a business trip in New York City. We that he's stuck in a meeting with Ferris Bueller's father.
"I'm not kidding. That's Lyman Ward from Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Sean said, pointing away from the camera as a photo of Lyman Ward as Ferris Bueller's father pops up. "Well, I guess I should be playing the John Hughes drinking game since we have an actor from another John Hughes movie."
Sean pulls out a bottle of Jameson Irish Black Barrel whiskey and opened the bottle as he poured some whiskey into his Wahlburger's shot glass before taking a shot.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Neal is trying to leave out of the meeting because he has to catch a flight home to Chicago, but we see that Dr. Seth Hazlitt (the late William Windom from Murder, She Wrote) is stuck trying to make a decision on which ad to use.
(Bryant, the ad executive, prepares to make a decision but is stuck trying to make one, then starts looking at the ad design again)
(A clip from Caddyshack plays)
Judge Elihu Smails (Played by the late Ted Knight): Well, we're waiting.
Sean: (Narrating) After being stuck in an office for two hours waiting for that guy to make a decision for a cosmetics ad, Neal rushes out of the office so he can catch a cab to take him to the airport.
Neal Page: I'll see you in Chicago, John.
John (Played by Lyman Ward): You'll never make the 6:00.
"Oh, come on. It's New York. It'll be easy for Neal to catch a cab at this hour." Sean said.
(We cut to Neal who's having trouble trying to catch a cab in New York)
"You know, New York doesn't take a break from being New York. It's New York every day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal spots a taxi cab that's available until he spots a voiceless cameo by Kevin Bacon.
"Okay, time for me to take another shot." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey. "Wait a minute, does that one count?"
(Neal races the businessman to the cab)
Sean: (Narrating) You know what's funny? Kevin Bacon is in this movie yet he also starred in another John Hughes movie a year later after this film's release, She's Having a Baby.
(The movie poster for She's Having a Baby is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The character he played on the movie was Jefferson "Jake" Briggs. You know what I think? I think that the character he plays in this movie is the same character he played in She's Having a Baby.
Neal Page: Taxi!
(Neal trips over something and he sees the businessman taking his cab. The businessman waves at him before he enters the cab and leaves)
(A clip from Tremors is shown)
Val McKee (Played by Kevin Bacon): Fuck you!
"I know, I had to use that clip from Tremors." Sean said. "I freaking love that film!"
Sean: (Narrating) After Kevin Bacon steals his cab, Neal tries to look for another cab in the city during rush hour until he sees a greedy lawyer, played by Nick Wyman, about to catch a cab.
Neal Page: I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature to ask you to let me have it?
New York Lawyer (Played by Nick Wyman): I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.
Neal Page: Could I offer you $10 for it? Twenty. I'll give you $20 for it.
New York Lawyer: I'll take $50
Neal Page: All right. All right.
New York Lawyer: Anyone who'd pay $50 for a cab would certainly pay $75.
"Typical lawyers. Why do they have to be so damn expensive? Maybe because that lawyer is a Hungarian terrorist working for Jeremy Irons. And he paid the price… for being a thief!" Sean yelled out after referencing the character Mathias Targo from Die Hard with a Vengeance.
New York Lawyer: Close. I'm an attorney.
"Okay, you know what. I'm sick of your shit, pal! Katya, shoot that thieving motherfucker!" Sean yelled out.
(We cut to a clip from Die Hard With a Vengeance, where we see Katya shoots Targo multiple times and kills him)
Sean: (Narrating) After he pays the greedy lawyer $75, Neal is about to catch his cab until somebody steals it right from under his nose and chases after it.
Neal Page: (While chasing the cab) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my cab! That's my cab! Wait! Pull over! Pull over! All right, pull over! That's my cab! All right, buddy. You're messing with the wrong guy!
"Ugh! Taxis, am I right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal catches up to the guy who stole his cab, played by the late John Candy, and tries to kick him out but fails as the cab drives off. So, he takes a bus to LaGuardia Airport to make it on time to his flight, but some bad news arrive.
(Neal sees that his flight to Chicago has been delayed)
John: You'll never make the 6:00.
"Man, Ferris Bueller's dad is such a fucking jinx." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Neal sees that his flight has been delayed, we cut to Chicago, where we're introduced to Neal's family and we see that Neal and his family are living in the same house from Home Alone. And this being a John Hughes production, this home is in Chicago.
"Time to take another shot." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Neal's wife Susan, played by Laila Robins from the ABC show Deception and Showtime's Homeland, and his 3 children. His daughter Marti, played by Olivia Burnett from the Disney Channel Original Movie Up, Up and Away or for those of you who grew up watching shows created by Michael Jacobs, she played Dorothy Jane Torkelson in The Torkelsons and Almost Home, and his son Little Neal played by someone who you will definitely recognize.
Little Neal (Played by Matthew Lawrence): Why doesn't he give me noogies?
Susan Page (Played by Laila Robins): Because you like to give Indian burns.
Little Neal: But I prefer noogies.
(A clip from Boy Meets World plays)
Jack Hunter (Played by Matthew Lawrence): You know when I go to the gym. (Sighs) It's because of high school that, well they used to have this little nickname for me it was "Jumbo Jack".
"That's right. That's Matthew Lawrence from Boy Meets World playing Steve Martin's son in the movie. Well, he should hurry up because he's late for his audition for Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad." Sean said.
(A clip from Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad is shown. We see the intro to the show with Matthew Lawrence in the opening credits)
"Wait, what? That's an actual show? How come I never heard of this show before and why did I make a reference to the show?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal calls Susan to tell about his flight delay that he won't make it home until 10:00 and she says that she'll wait for him. And while waiting for his flight, Neal begins to recognize the man sitting across from him.
(Neal recognizes the man and the man recognizes Neal. We see Neal's thought process when he recognizes the man from the cab)
Sean starts laughing a bit. "Okay, I just love how we see Neal's thought process when he recognizes Del from the cab. They had to bring a cab door and dress John Candy up again and recreate an outside scene in an indoor scene. That's pretty impressive and hilarious."
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the man who stole Neal's cab, his name is Del Griffith, he's a shower curtain ring salesman. And when he gets screwed over on the plane by some bitchy stewardess about him being placed in first class because he's placed in coach.
Stewardess (Played by Julie H. Morgan): Save your boarding pass, and you'll get a refund on the difference.
Neal Page: I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.
Stewardess: Look, I have had just about enough of you. Now, take your seat.
"Oh, God. Please tell me she doesn't work for United Airlines. Hell, this is United Airlines! That's how they treat their passengers! Take your seat or will beat the shit out of you!" Sean exclaimed.
(The United Airlines logo pops up)
Sean: (V/O) United Airlines. Fuck you!
Neal Page: You've had about enough of me? First you delay me, then you bump me. I can't wait to see what happens next.
"Could be worse, you could have 12 kids." Sean said, making a reference to the 2003 remake of Cheaper by the Dozen.
(We cut to the theatrical trailer for the remake of Cheaper by the Dozen, showing Steve Martin's character, Tom Baker, screaming)
"Or you could play Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther remake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not two remakes directed by Shawn Levy, he's stuck in coach sitting next to this guy.
Del Griffith (Played by the late John Candy): Is this coincidence or what? (Laughs) Have a seat.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, we see that there's a snowstorm hitting and all flights are cancelled. Which means, it's going to be a flight from Hell for Neal because he has Del to deal with.
Del Griffith: The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth. (Chuckles) You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder-head who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut. You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke in the chops.
"And this is why I don't fly on airplanes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of why I don't fly on airplanes….
(Del takes off his shoe)
Del Griffith: (Groans) Oh! Oh, that feels good. Oh, God, I'm telling you. My dogs are barking today. Whoo.
(Del takes off his sock and groans)
Del Griffith: (Swings his sock around) That feels better.
Sean is seen wearing a gas mask over his face.
"Will you please put your sock back on? You foot odor is killing some of the passengers." Sean said.
Del Griffith: Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.
Sean: (Narrating) Right, now you're gonna jinx him….
Neal Page: I'm in Wichita.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, Neal has to call his wife Susan to tell her that he's in Wichita because his plane couldn't land in Chicago because they closed Chicago because of the snowstorm and they landed in Wichita. And now, he's stuck with Del, who's made some arrangements. But before I mention the arrangements, it's cameo time!
Wichita Airport Representative (Played by Ben Stein): Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I'm sorry to announce that we're cancelling flight 909 due to severe weather in Chicago. (Smiles)
"Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" Sean said, imitating Ben Stein before taking another shot of whiskey but decides not to take another shot. "No, no, no. I'm not gonna get drunk throughout this review. I'm not gonna drink myself to death like Nicolas Cage's character from Leaving Las Vegas. I have a lot to live for."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, while Neal was trying to book a room for a hotel but has no luck finding one and while he was calling home, Del made some arrangements.
Del Griffith: As soon as we got off the plane, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.
Neal Page: I missed that one.
Del Griffith: I've got an idea. I know the manager pretty well. I sold him some rings for his curtains. If you want to pick up the cab fare, I'll make sure you get a room for the night.
"That's nice of Del, he offered to help out Neal. There's no way that he'll hate this nice guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Neal and Del leave the airport, they're driven to the motel in a taxi cab that's being driven by this guy named Doobie, played by Mr. Heckles himself Larry Hankin, or as Officer Balzak from Home Alone. As they arrive at the motel, they're greeted by a motel clerk that Del knows named Gus, played by the late Charles Tyner.
Gus (Played by the late Charles Tyner): Del Griffith! How the hell are you? (He shakes Del's hand)
Del Griffith: Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.
(Gus and Del laugh)
Del Griffith: Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page. Neal, Gus Mooney.
Gus: Glad to meet you, Nick.
"Uh, Gus. His name is Neal, not Nick. Del clearly said Neal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gus gives them the key to the room but there's one major problem…
Gus: Last room in the complex.
Neal Page: You mean share?
"Oh, dear." Sean said.
(As Neal and Del enter the motel room, Neal looks around the room and sees that it's only one bed. He then looks at Del, who smiles at him)
"Ewww! I don't like how Del is smiling at Neal like that." Sean said.
(Neal looks at the bed once more)
Del Griffith: Do you want to take a shower?
"Whoa! Hold on now, this isn't Brokeback Thanksgiving. There's no need for that." Sean said.
Neal Page: No!
Del Griffith: No, I meant if you want to go first, you know?
(Neal laughs)
Del Griffith: (Laughs) You thought I… I wouldn't…
Neal Page: No, go ahead.
Del Griffith: What do you think I am? God, no. Gee, that's funny. That's funny.
"I'm keeping an eye on you movie." Sean said, glaring at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Neal and Del getting settled in the motel room in a hilarious montage where we get Neal taking a shower and the water cutting on and off and dealing with an unsanitary motel bathroom. During the night, Neal has trouble sleeping because Del's wacky antics while sharing a bed with him.
Del Griffith: I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that.
Neal Page: You left them on a vibrating bed. What did you think was going to happen?
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, we see that Susan is laying in bed without her husband and… wait a minute. What is she watching on the television?
Woman on TV: Then she's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets!
Man on TV: What if it was one of your friends, huh? What if the shoe was on the other foot?
Woman on TV: I'd go barefoot!
"I recognize that yelling from anywhere. That's from She's Having a Baby, another John Hughes film, which was released in 1988. Don't believe me? Check out this clip." Sean said.
(A clip from She's Having a Baby is shown)
Kristy Briggs (Played by Elizabeth McGovern): Then she's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets!
Jake Briggs (Played by Kevin Bacon): What if it was one of your friends, huh? What if the shoe was on the other foot?
Kristy Briggs: I'd go barefoot!
"Okay, is there some kind of connection here? We're watching a movie while one character is watching a movie that was released a year later on TV. I guess this movie and She's Having a Baby is part of the Hughesiverse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Wichita, Neal is in for a rude awakening when Del cracks his knuckles and cracks his neck and scratching, in a place where I do not want to know where and….
(A clip from Dumb and Dumber is shown)
Lloyd Christmas (Played by Jim Carrey): Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
(Del snores to the tune of Shave and a Haircut, snoring his nose twice to serve as the two bits note, driving Neal insane as he gets out of bed)
Neal Page: God damn it! That's it!
Del Griffith: What? What? If I don't clear my sinuses, I'll snore all night.
"I get the sinus thing, but the snoring. Really?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal goes off on Del in a little rant and loses his temper on him. And I like how this scene played out. Usually in films about opposite personalities, the big blow-up happens in the last act. Here, it happens in the first third and they get that part out of the way quick. And we get one of the best scenes ever in which Family Guy did a parody of.
Neal Page: And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea, have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener.
Del Griffith: You want to hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic-like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
(Dream Academy's Power to Believe, the instrumental version) starts playing in the background)
(A clip from the Family Guy season seven episode Baby Not on Board plays)
Chris Griffin (Voiced by Seth Green): (Laughs) Move references.
"God damn it, Chris! You ruined the moment!" Sean yelled out. "Where's the Evil Monkey when you need him?"
Sean: (Narrating) Neal realizes what a total prick he's been to Del, he has a change of heart and decides to stay in the room with him. Later that night, someone breaks into Neal and Del's motel room and robs them while they're asleep. And the next morning, we see Del and Neal…
(Sean sees Neal and Del snuggled against each other. Neal is holding Del's hand while Del kisses Neal's ear)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. OH, MY GOD!
"No, no, no, no, no! No! This is Brokeback Thanksgiving that I'm watching!" Sean yelled out.
(We cut to Neal looking at the bed, then turns to Del who smiles at him)
Del Griffith: (V/O) God, you're a tight-ass.
"Ewwww!" Sean whined. "I hope there are no Neal and Del fanfics on Fanfiction."
Neal Page: Del?
Del Griffith: Yeah?
Neal Page: Why did you kiss my ear?
Del Griffith: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal Page: Where's your other hand?
Del Griffith: Between two pillows.
(Neal realizes where Del has his hands on)
Neal Page: Those aren't pillow!
(Del screams as him and Neal jump out of bed, shaking their hands in disgust)
Del Griffith: No! No!
Sean starts laughing from what he meant by "those aren't pillows.". "Okay, for those of you who didn't get what he meant by that. It meant that he had his hand inbetween Neal's butt cheeks. When I watched this movie on HBO Comedy when I was young, I didn't get what he meant by that and back in 2011 when I bought the movie on DVD at Best Buy, I finally figured out what they meant by that."
"Kinda sounds like a Bulk and Skull moment." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After they realize that they were robbed while they were about to pay for their breakfast, Neal and Del decide to reach Chicago by train since Del has a friend who works for the railroad. And then we get the most bizarre character I have ever seen in my life.
(We see the most bizarre-looking hillbilly standing in front of Neal and Del as he spits on the ground before introducing himself)
Del Griffith: Are you Gus' son?
Owen (Played by Dylan Baker): I'm Owen.
Sean: (Narrating) This is bizarre hillbilly's name is Owen, he's played by Bob Pitt himself, Dylan Baker.
"Or for those of you who are Spider-Man fans, he played Dr. Curt Connors in Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man 3. Rest in peace, Stan Lee." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And when I mean by bizarre hillbilly, he has his wife to help carry Del's suitcase and he says this.
Owen: Her first baby, it come out sideways. She didn't scream or nothing.
"Okay, it's official. Wichita has some of the most bizarre hillbillies. I'm not sure if it's true or not. I've never been to Wichita. I've been to Maryland and Washington D.C." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Owen drops Neal and Del off at the train station, the two part ways and Neal is on his way to Chicago to be intimate with his wife and have a taste of that delicious turkey. He's definitely going to make home without any…
(The train breaks down)
"Ah, shit." Sean rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, so much for getting home for Thanksgiving. The train breaks down and leaves the passengers stranded in a Missouri field, and Neal meets up with Del as his voyage home continues. So, they take a bus where Del and Neal watch a couple making out next to them and because of Neal's voyeuristic tendencies, he gets caught.
Bus Lover (Played by Andrew J. Hentz): Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
"Okay." Sean said as he pulls out his Samsung Galaxy S7 phone from off of the coffee table. We then see a flashing light and hear the sound of somebody getting punched until we see Sean holding an ice pack to his eye. "Note to self, never take a picture of a couple making out next to you."
Sean: (Narrating) Since this is a bus ride, it's time to sing a song.
"Anyone know any good songs? Anyone?" Sean asked.
(A clip from American Idol is shown. We see William Hung's audition with him singing She Bangs)
"No, not that. Anyone else?" Sean asked.
(Limp Bizkit's Rollin music video is shown)
"Next." Sean said.
(Troop's Spread My Wings music video plays)
"Yeah, but it doesn't have a Thanksgiving feel. Plus, I don't know if anybody on that bus knows about Troop." Sean said. "Anybody else?"
(Justin Bieber's One Less Lonely Girl music video plays)
"Motherfu…" Sean quickly pulls out his MP5K submachine gun and opens fire.
(We cut to a clip from an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, showing a scene where Justin Bieber's character getting gunned down to death)
"There. That's for marrying Hailey Baldwin and breaking Selena's heart, you whiny Canadian bastard." Sean said. "Maybe Neal has a song to sing. Neal?"
(Neal starts singing Frank Sinatra's Three Coins in the Fountain as everyone on the bus looks at him, then looks away)
"Anybody else?" Sean asked, rolling his eyes.
Neal Page: I can't believe they don't…
(Del starts singing the Flintstones theme song and everyone on the bus joins in as they arrive in St. Louis)
Del Griffith: Wilma!
"I know another song. Here's one." Sean said as he pulls out his guitar and starts playing it before he starts singing. "Kikiwakka! Kikiwakka, Kikiwakka! Kikiwakka, Kikiwakka."
Sean: (Narrating) Neal and Del arrive in St. Louis and Del starts selling his shower curtain rings as earrings to buy bus tickets.
Del Griffith: This is Czechoslovakian ivory./This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring./They are filled with helium, so they're very light./This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute, hold it. Are you telling me that shower curtain rings can pass off as earrings worn by celebrities? And these people are being duped.
"Yeah, I bought a few earrings for Taylor for Christmas. This one here is the golden lasso earring that Gal Gadot wore in Justice League. This one here is an autographed August Ames earring. And the other one here is the "Excelsior!" earring that was owned by Stan Lee." Sean said while holding a couple of shower curtain rings.
Sean: (Narrating) After selling some of his shower curtain rings to some people, Del buys Neal lunch and the two of them get to talking about being home away from their loved ones because of their jobs.
Neal Page: I've been spending too much time away from home.
Del Griffith: I haven't been home in years.
Neal Page: What seriously?
Del Griffith: No, it's a figure of speech. You know, I'm on the road so much, it's like not being there, you know.
"Dude, you sell rings for shower curtains. No wonder you're on the road so damn much." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're talking, Neal tells Del that he thinks that they should travel alone and he offends Del over lunch. Meanwhile, Neal decides to rent a car to drive to Chicago and as he arrives to pick up the car, he finds that the parking space where the car is at is empty. Man, this guy couldn't catch a break. And then we come to one of my favorite scenes of all time where Neal just loses his shit.
Neal Page: (While chasing the bus) I need a ride back!
(Neal throws his bag down in rage and snaps in anger)
Neal Page: God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!
(We then see Neal walking on foot as he slips and falls off a hill. Then we see Neal walking down in the middle of a runway and enters the airport terminal)
Sean: (Narrating) We then come to another hilarious highlight of the film where Neal vents his anger to a car rental agent played by Edie McClurg from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Car Rental Agent (Played by Edie McClurg): (While on the phone) Gee, Murray, you're a stitch. (Laughs) No, Mom's gonna do the turkey. Yeah, Dad wants ambrosia, so I guess we got to get those miniature marshmallows. And I'll do the crescent rolls, and you do the cranberries. You know I can't cook.
(A clip from Ferris Bueller's Day Off is shown)
Grace (Played by Edie McClurg): They think he's a righteous dude.
Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
"And when I say that this is John Hughes for Adults, you'll see why about right now. And keep track on how many times the F-bomb is dropped in this scene." Sean said.
Neal Page: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! And you can get me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick. Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal Page: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere, with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car, right fucking now.
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal Page: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal Page: Oh, boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You're fucked.
"Unless you were keeping count, the F word was used 18 times, well, 19 if you count that one from Edie McClurg. And you want to know what's funny? The F word wasn't used throughout the whole movie. This was back in 1987 and this movie would have no problem getting a PG rating, but hey was it worth it to give this movie an R rating. Hey, they could still get away with giving this movie a PG rating if the F word was used once. Yeah, the ratings system back in the '70s, '80s and '90s were weird back then. I mean, they can show an eye being taken out in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and they give it a PG rating and this moment gets an R rating. You know, PG films back in the '80s that said the F word only one time. Films like Nothing in Common, Spaceballs, Beetlejuice, Sixteen Candles and Little Nikita say the F word once and that could've resulted in a PG-13 rating. Well, I guess you could say that they didn't give 19 "fucks" about it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that hilarious scene, an angry Neal attempts to catch a cab to Chicago, but the cab dispatcher played by the late John Randolph Jones, asks him if he knows that he's in St. Louis and asks him to try the airlines and Neal ends up insulting the guy.
Neal Page: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.
(The cab dispatcher looks insulted)
Neal Page: Now are you going to help me or are you going to stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?
(The cab dispatcher punches Neal in the face)
Sean: (Narrating) And luckily, Del arrives just in time to rescue Neal with his own rental car.
Neal Page: Del?
Cab Dispatcher (Played by the late John Randolph Jones): Get your car out of here!
Del Griffith: Yeah, just… Just a minute, okay?
Cab Dispatcher: Get it out of here!
Del Griffith: What is your problem? You insensitive asshole. Can't you see we've got an injured man down on the street? Now I'll move my car, but I want you to help him up.
Neal Page: No!
Cab Dispatcher: My pleasure.
(While Del moves his car, the cab dispatcher fixes his glove and walks over to Neal, then proceeds to grab him by his crotch)
"Ooh! Okay, there's no way that he's getting intimate with his wife after that. Boy, that guy cannot catch a break." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal and Del are out on the road again, this time in a rental car as their voyage to Chicago continues and since this is a car ride and with the two of them in the same car, there's no way that they'll start arguing with each other. But wrong, they start arguing when Del starts fidgeting around with the seat and tries to take his shoes off.
Del Griffith: Oh, damn it.
Neal Page: What now?
Del Griffith: I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.
Neal Page: That's fine. Leave your shoes on.
Del Griffith: I can't relax that way.
Neal Page: I don't care to breathe your foot odor.
Del Griffith: It must be swell being so perfect and odor-free.
"Well, people like to enjoy the sweet smell of Gain air fresheners in their car." Sean said.
Neal Page: What do I do that bothers you? I'm just curious.
Del Griffith: Well, there's lots of things.
Neal Page: Name one. Why don't you name one?
Del Griffith: Well, there's quite a few things. You want me to name one?
Neal Page: Yeah, fine.
Del Griffith: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal Page: I do not play with my balls.
Del Griffith: (Chuckles) Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour.
Neal Page: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del Griffith: No, I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal Page: You know what'd make me happy?
"You shutting up?" Sean asked, imitating Neal Page.
Del Griffith: Another couple balls, and an extra set of fingers? (Laughs)
"Well, you have Abigail Mac and Karlee Grey to take care of that for you." Sean winked naughtily at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's Del's turn to drive while Neal is asleep. And you should never let this guy behind the wheel because he'll start singing Ray Charles' Mess Around and dancing behind the wheel while driving uncontrollably.
(As Ray Charles' Mess Around starts playing on the radio. Del starts listening to the song and starts dancing to it behind the wheel)
"Man, I would have a ball being in the same car as him. But I want to stay awake to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." Sean said.
"I like music, but not that much." Brian said.
"Well, there's no way that he can do something stupid." Sean said.
(We see Del trying take off his coat while driving. His coat ends up stuck on the seat)
"Or not." Sean said.
(While trying to free his coat from the car seat, Del starts driving uncontrollably with his thighs)
"He's gonna end up killing the both of them." Sean said.
(Del sees a stop sign and screams as he eventually frees himself from the car seat after the hitting the breaks, causing the car to spin uncontrollably until it stops spinning. After the car stops spinning, Neal wakes up to see what's going on)
Neal Page: (Waking up) What's happening?
Del Griffith: Oh. We almost hit a deer, that's all.
"Dude, you were lucky. You just got a kiss. That was the angel of death and he's probably saying this to ya." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Now you've had your fun, don't do that shit again.
Sean: (Narrating) Del eventually drives the wrong way on the highway, where two trucks are approaching and this couple on the opposite side of the road tries to warn them, but Del thinks that they want to race and thinks that they're drunk.
Screaming Driver (Played by John Moio): You're going the wrong way!
Neal Page: What?
Screaming Driver and Screaming Driver's Wife (Played by Victoria Vanderkloot): You're going the wrong way!
Neal Page: He says we're going the wrong way.
Del Griffith: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?
"Dude, they're not drunk. They're warning you that you're about to get somebody killed because you're going the wrong way." Sean said.
Screaming Driver: You're going in the wrong direction!
(Del imitates drinking while driving drunk)
"Stop fucking around and listen to them. You're going the wrong way." Sean warned.
(Neal looks out the window and realizes that they're going the wrong way as he tries to warn Del right after he sees two trucks approaching)
"Truck, truck coming." Sean pointed out.
Neal Page: Truck, truck.
Del Griffith: What?
Neal Page: Truck!
Del Griffith: What?
(Del sees the two trucks approaching)
"Truck!" Sean screamed out.
(Del screams and we get a zoom-in shot of Neal and Del's eyes as the trucks close in on them)
We then cut to a zoom-in shot of Sean's eyes as he starts screaming.
(The car scrapes inbetween the two semi-trailer trucks as Del continues to scream. We get more of Neal's thought process, with him seeing himself and Del as skeletons and he then see's Del as the devil. Del hits the breaks to stop the car, sending his suitcase flying off of the car)
"Okay, shut it down now! We've finally found the world's most dumbest driver ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after getting themselves killed, Del and Neal take a moment to compose themselves on the side of the road, and the interior of the rental car catches fire from Del's cigarette and the two decide to share a good laugh when Neal gloats over Del's predicament.
Neal Page: (Laughs) How could you rent the thing anyway, without a credit card? I mean, you couldn't. I mean, how did you do it?
Del Griffith: Oh, I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings. (Laughs)
Neal Page: You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings, Del.
Del Griffith: Well, uh, somehow your Diners Club card wound up in my wallet. And I…
Neal Page: You stole it!
Del Griffith: Not exactly.
Neal Page; You stole my card!
Del Griffith: No, I swear on my life, I didn't!
Neal Page: I knew you stole it!
Del Griffith: I did not steal your card.
Neal Page: You stole my card and then you rented a car and then you burned it up!
Del Griffith: I did not!
(Neal starts beating on Del's suitcase)
"Okay, this has got to be one of my favorite Steve Martin freak-outs ever in any movie I see him in. This one and his rant about hot dogs in Father of the Bride." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal demands Del to return his card but Del couldn't because this happened.
Del Griffith: Because when we stopped to gas up, I put the card back in your wallet.
(Neal turned to the car and realizes that he left his wallet in the glove compartment)
Del Griffith: Are you mad at me?
"Go ahead, Neal. I give you permission to punch the guy." Sean said.
(Neal punches Del in the gut, then trips over his suitcase)
Sean: (Narrating) The two stop at a hotel run by the lawyer from Jurassic Park (Note: The lawyer, Donald Gennaro, is played by Martin Ferrero), but has no luck getting a room because his credit cards are destroyed in the car fire.
Neal Page: Have mercy. I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.
Del Griffith: I can vouch for that.
Second Motel Clerk (Played by Martin Ferrero): I don't… I don't… I don't own the place.
(Neal takes off his watch)
Neal Page: $17 and a hell of a nice watch.
"Can't beat a nice deal. What about you, Del? Got anything?" Sean asked.
Del Griffith: I have two dollars and a… (Takes off his watch) And a Casio.
Second Motel Clerk: I'm gonna have to say good night, so….
"Oh, come on. You got to give him something better. Ooh, I got one. How about a T-Rex?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Jurassic Park plays, showing a scene where Donald Gennaro gets killed by a T-Rex while he was sitting on the toilet)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Neal has a room to sleep and tries to call his wife, while Del, who has no money, attempts to sleep in the car, which lost it's roof in the fire, and he thinks about what went wrong in his life.
Del Griffith: Well, Marie, once again, my dear, you were right as rain. I am, without a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone whose company I really enjoy. What do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I've got a big mouth. (Sighs) When am I ever going to wake up?
Sean: (Narrating) Neal sees Del trying to sleep in the car and feels some sympathy for the poor guy and he invites him inside from the cold and snowy night, and the two relax and they start drinking some of Del's collection of airline liquors and laugh about the events from the past two days.
Del Griffith: You know, when I'm dead and buried, all I'm going to have around here to prove that I was here was some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Great legacy, huh?
"Hmm? Something tells me there's more to this guy." Sean said.
Neal Page: At the very least, at the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right? You love her, don't you?
Del Griffith: Love is not a big enough word It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.
"Okay. Either his wife is dead or he can't get a hold of her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Neal and Del resume their trip to Chicago, but they get pulled over by a state trooper, played by Michael McKean, and he questions them about their badly damaged car.
State Trooper (Played by Michael McKean): Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del Griffith: Funnily enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer's melted, and as a result, it's very hard to say with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
State Trooper: Seventy-eight miles an hour.
Del Griffith: (Whistles) Seventy-eight, huh? Well, yeah, I can buy that. Sure, I guess. You know, you would know better than us, especially since we've got a melted speedometer.
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes, I do. Yes, I really do. I… I believe that. I know it's not pretty to look at, but it will get you where you want to go.
State Trooper: Now, you got no outside mirror.
Del Griffith: No, we lost that.
State Trooper: You have no functioning gauges?
Del Griffith: No, not a one. However, the radio still works, funny as that may seem. With all this mess, the radio is the only thing that's really working good. And it's just clear as a bell. Don't ask me how. (Chuckles)
"Safe for driving? Buddy, have you taken a look at the thing? It's a death machine! You're lucky you didn't kill anybody on the road. And I just like to point out one thing, this sounds like something off of TruTV's World's Dumbest Drivers. I can imagine a dumb driver doing something like this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, their vehicle gets impounded by the police and luckily Del has found an alternative mode of transportation, a semi-truck which gets them to Chicago, just in time for Neal to taste that turkey and the two of them part ways at the LaSalle/Van Buren CTA station. During the train ride, Neal thinks about going home to his adorable children, tasting his wife's cherry pie, his wife basting the turkey and getting intimate with Susan. Wait, that's part of tasting her cherry pie. Neal also reflects some moments from his trip with Del such as not getting intimate with Del. Some of the good times and some of the bad times and some comments about his wife that Del made throughout the trip.
Del Griffith: I like… I like me. My wife likes me.
Neal Page: At the very least, at the at the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?/I've been spending too much time away from home.
Del Griffith: I haven't been home in years.
Sean: (Narrating) Neal realizes that Del might be alone for the holiday and returns to the station and sees Del sitting alone in the station and questions him why has he not gone home and we get this revelation about Del.
Del Griffith: I… I don't have a home. Marie's been dead for eight years.
"So, it turns out that Del's wife, the woman that he's been talking about throughout the trip, is dead. And he doesn't have a home. This is a surprise twist and you've got to feel sorry for this guy after learning about him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And Neal, showing some compassion for Del, invites him to his home for Thanksgiving and he introduces his friend to his family. And Neal and his wife Susan reunite and the film ends on a heartwarming note.
"And that was Planes, Trains and Automobiles and I love that movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie start playing)
Sean: (Narrating) It's one of the finest comedies to watch on Thanksgiving. The movie is absolutely hilarious and I laughed hard to tears from certain scenes. And like Home Alone, it has some of the greatest and memorable lines ever. And the performances are amazing. Steve Martin was pretty good but the highlight of the movie was John Candy aside from his performance as Uncle Buck, his performance as Del Griffith in this one, this was his best role ever and one of my favorites. Aside from the humor of the film, it has heart and the film did it very well. It's a movie that I watch every Thanksgiving or every time. Check out this hilarious comedy when you get the chance. That's why I'm giving Planes, Trains and Automobiles 5 shower curtain rings out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time I had my friends. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and have a happy Thanksgiving." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Those aren't pillows!
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I hope you all enjoyed it. What did you think of the review and what did you think of the movie? I would love to hear your thoughts about it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean starts Christmas off when he takes a look at a little Christmas special from 1992 called Frosty Returns and wonders why does it exist? Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Aside from Frosty Returns, I will also be reviewing Santa Claus: The Movie, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and Scrooged. Any other Christmas movies or specials do you want me to review? Feel free to comment. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.