The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, folks. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, since November is coming to a close, I'd figure I might start off the Christmas season early by reviewing some Christmas movies and Christmas specials. In today's chapter, Sean kicks off the Christmas season early by reviewing the 1992 Christmas special Frosty Returns and ponders why was this even made. So here it is, the new and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Frosty Returns is owned by Bill Melendez Productions, CBS Productions and Broadway Video.
Episode Forty-Five
Frosty Returns
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before pausing a bit, then picks up a remote as he presses a button. "CHRISTMAS!"
Sean jumps off of the couch and lip-syncs Johnny Mathis' rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year before sitting back down on the couch while the song continues to play.
"I love Christmas! There are only five things I love about the time of the year: Christmas specials, Christmas songs, Christmas movies, Christmas gifts and hurry the hell up Christmas so I can open up my gifts! And since November is coming to an end, I figure I might start reviewing something Christmas-related early and throughout the month of December. With that said, let's talk about Frosty the Snowman." Sean said.
(Footage from Frosty the Snowman is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) This classic TV special aired in 1969 and it was originally produced for CBS and they continue to show it every year in December. It's one of the greatest Christmas classics along with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. We all know the tale of the snowman that came to life after a group of school children placed a magic hat on him. Sure, the animation looked silly but the special has an undeniable charm to it. It was created by Rankin-Bass. Yes, the same Rankin-Bass that brought us every single Christmas special we watched when we were growing up.
"Hell, Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass also brought us two awesome cartoons from the '80s. Thundercats and Silverhawks." Sean said as a picture of the Thundercats and Silverhawks pop up.
(Footage from the 1976 sequel Frosty's Winter Wonderland is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) In 1976, a sequel to Frosty the Snowman called Frosty's Winter Wonderland, aired on ABC. In this one, Frosty gets a snow wife named Crystal and Jack Frost tries to ruin their happiness. And to me, I like this one better than Frosty the Snowman.
"And unfortunately, we're not watching Frosty the Snowman or Frosty's Winter Wonderland. Oh, no! We're watching it's less-charming sequel Frosty Returns. This is the special that almost makes these two classics feel embarrassed.
(The title of the special is shown followed by clips from the special while the Frosty the Snowman theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, maybe sequel is not the right word for this one. Back in the late '80s, Rankin-Bass shut down their production studios and the rights to much of it's library went to Warner Bros. Television. The rights to Frosty the Snowman ended up in the hands of Broadway Video, the studio of Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels. I can see why since he's the executive producer for this special. And in 1992, some joker up at CBS commissioned Broadway Video to produce another Frosty the Snowman Christmas special. This one has nothing in common to the original and it has a different animation style. And I like to ask why? Why was this even made?
(A clip from Tom & Jerry: The Movie is shown)
Lickboot (Voiced by the late Tony Jay): We've got to have money.
"To quote the Nostalgia Critic when he reviewed the movie Jack Frost: "Get on your snow boots, we're walking through a pile of shit!". Let's get started. This is Frosty Returns." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The special starts out with a snow flurry and we're introduced to our narrator for the evening, voiced by the late Jonathan Winters.
Narrator (Voiced by the late Jonathan Winters): Some folks say 'You really want to see the country, take a bus. Or hop a train. Ride a bike. Me, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. Stick to what I know: snowflakes. I know it's not for everyone, but a long as you pack light, I mean, and wear at least three layers of undies, it's a lovely way to spend the winter.
"Traveling by snowflakes? Really? That's what we're going for? That's the best way to travel. Forget United Airlines, this is the best way to travel. Hmm, I wonder if it's possible to do so." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and walks over to the front door and opening it up as he sees that it's snowing outside. "I see a snowflake. I'm gonna travel to Cleveland from here."
"Uh, Sean. I don't think that it's a good idea." Dave warned.
"Oh please, Dave. I have tons of great ideas. And this is the perfect idea." Sean said as he tries to jump on a snowflake. "Here I go. Geronimooooooooh shit!"
Sean jumps but he hits the ground as he yells in pain. Dave runs out of the house with the camera and helps him out, with the aftermath giving Sean a bloody nose.
"Why would you let me do such a thing like that?! Owwww!" Sean groaned in pain.
"I warned you." Dave said.
"Shut up, Dave!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our opening credits and we see that we have an interesting choice of voice actors for the special. We got Jonathan Winters from Tiny Toon Adventures and Mork & Mindy as the Narrator, then we have the late Jan Hooks, Andrea Martin and Brian Doyle-Murray. And from Roseanne and The Conners, John Goodman as Frosty the Snowman. The special is based on a story by Jim Lewis, who work you might've recognized for anything Jim Henson-related and it was written by Oliver Goldstick.
"Oliver Goldstick. Why does that name sound so familiar?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Hanna, Spencer, Alison, Aria and Emily from Pretty Little Liars is shown and the song Secret by The Pierces start playing)
"Ah, Pretty Little Liars. A show that started well, but had a confusing ending." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Rugrats composer Mark Mothersbaugh composed the music for this one and the special is directed by the late Bill Melendez and Evert Brown.
"Just a quick recap: we have Hampton J. Pig's father, three comedians from shows that were created by Lorne Michaels, Dan Conner from Roseanne, a writer who worked on shows with the Muppets, one of the producers and writers of Pretty Little Liars, a composer who worked on Rugrats and two directors who worked on Charlie Brown cartoons. Add a talking mouse into the mix and it's like this Christmas special was tailor made." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits, we open in the town of Beansboro, where the town is gearing up for their annual winter carnival and we see that the town is covered in a layer of snow. Seven-inches. And you know what this means.
Kid #1: (Runs out of the house) No school!
Sean: (Narrating) And immediately, the special throws in the first song for the evening.
Kids: (Singing) We love the snow!
Adults: (Singing) Oh, no! Not snow!
Kids: (Singing) We love the snow!
"I'm sorry did I miss a step here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, we barely just started the special and already there's singing but at least give us a chance to get settled in before you start singing and the song doesn't even last long. The kids are singing about how much they love the snow and their parents are singing about how much they hate the snow.
"Question: if the parents passionately hate the snow, then why the fuck are they living in Beansboro? It's like saying that I hate living in Arizona because it's too damn hot or me living in California because of Earthquakes, gang violence and frickin' wildfires. Or it's like me saying that I hate living in Cincinnati because of the crazy weather we have around here. They're living in a town where they get copious amount of snow. There are places in the United States that get like no snow. Have you ever thought about that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After our first musical number, we're introduced to our hero of the special, a little redhead girl named Holly, she's voiced by Elisabeth Moss. Yes, the same Elisabeth Moss who played President Josiah Bartlett's daughter Zoey in The West Wing. The same Elisabeth Moss who played Peggy Olson in Mad Men and the same Elisabeth Moss who stars in Hulu's The Handmaiden's Tale. We see that her friend, Marcie from Charlie Brown.
"I'm sorry. I thought I was watching a Charlie Brown cartoon because of the same animation style and I got this kid confused with Marcie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, this boy version of Marcie's name is Charles. He's voiced by Michael Patrick Carter. You know, the little twerp from that movie the Nostalgia Critic reviewed called Milk Money.
Charles (Voiced by Michael Patrick Carter): Holly, why aren't you playing outside?
Holly (Voiced by Elisabeth Moss): Wasn't invited.
"What?" Sean asked.
Holly: Wasn't invited.
"Who doesn't get invited to play outside? What are you afraid that you might get shot at? They have a thing that they invented called the bulletproof backpack. Or what does God have a problem with people going outside?" Sean asked.
Charles: Neither was I, but it's excellent packing. Let's go outside and make a fertility goddess.
We cut to Sean doing a spit take after sipping his can of Mountain Dew Merry Mash-Up.
Sean: (Narrating) Oookay. We can add that to the list of things that flew over my head when I was a kid. Anyway, Holly wants to practice magic for the Winter Carnival but Charles is not too keen about it.
Holly: (On sawing Charles in half) You won't feel a thing. That's why it's called magic.
Charles: There's no such thing as magic. Everything has an explanation. The proper term is science.
"Oy. Great. Now, I have to add a Big Bang Theory reference to the show." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory plays)
Sheldon Cooper (Played by Jim Parsons): If I may interject a piece of friendly advice, is working on magic tricks really how you wanna spend your time?
"What?" It was either that or make a reference to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Oh, fuck it. Play the clip anyway." Sean said.
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is shown)
Vernon Dursley (Played by the late Richard Griffiths) There's no such thing as magic!
Sean: (Narrating) While they're practicing for her magic trick, Holly opens the window, the wind blows her hat off and flies out the window as Holly runs out of the house to chase her hat until she bumps into her school teacher, Ms. Carbunkle, she's voiced by Andrea Martin.
Ms. Carbunkle (Voiced by Andrea Martin): Is this how you spend your day off, young lady? Organizing a game of Tackle the Teacher?
"Hey, that sounds like a fun game to play. Let me call up some of my friends and we'll tackle a teacher that I don't like. I'm kidding, I like my teacher." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, as much as I complain about this special, Ms. Carbunkle is the best part of watching it. She delivers some pretty good lines.
Ms. Carbunkle: (While shoveling the snow) Right now, Ms. Carbunkle has a sidewalk to plow. Before you know it, this darn snow turns into slush, and when there's slush, there's ice, and when there's ice, there's broken hips, and when there's broken hips, there's substitute teachers!
"It's funny because it's true!" Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) As Holly continues to look for her hat, she finds the snowman himself, Frosty the Snowman. This time, he's voiced by John Goodman and I have to say as much as I like the late Jackie Vernon as Frosty, I enjoyed John Goodman as the voice of Frosty the Snowman.
Frosty (Voiced by John Goodman): Oh, no you don't. You wanna take something, take the tie. Unless you think I need it. How do you all dress for this Winter Carnival anyway? I mean, I don't wanna underdress but if I can get away with a tank top or something more cash.
"Cause really? When you think of Frosty the Snowman, you think of Walter Sobchak." Sean said.
(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)
Walter Sobchak (Played by John Goodman): (While smashing a car with a crow bar) This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry! This is what happens, Larry! You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? This is what happens! You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens, Larry?! Do you see what happens Larry when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
"Wait, for my younger readers. Let me use the edited line." Sean said.
Walter Sobchak: You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?
Sean: (Narrating) Frosty and Holly get to know each other and right after Frosty dances for a few seconds, they are interrupted by Holly's mother Lil, voiced by the late Jan Hooks. Lil gives Holly a spray can known as Summer Wheeze, a spray that causes snow to instantly disappear and who's the inventor of Summer Wheeze? It's invented by a man named Mr. Twitchell, voiced by Brian Doyle-Murray, and Mr. Twitchell is the cartoony villain of the special.
Mr. Twitchell (Voiced by Brian Doyle-Murray) By Saturday, there should be a can of Summer Wheeze on every shelf. I'll go to that carnival a guest, but I'm going to leave it a king!
Board Member: A king, sir?
Mr. Twitchell: You heard me. I'm about to give this town the greatest gift ever. Winter with no shoveling, no slush, no frostbite. Clean streets and dry sidewalks. By this weekend, snow tires will be ancient history. And in return, they'll make me their king.
"Today, we'll rid the streets of Beansboro from snow. Tomorrow, the world!" Sean imitates Mr. Twitchell and laughs evily.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Mr. Twitchell sends his army of trucks to rid the streets of snow with Summer Wheeze, and Frosty is not too thrilled about it.
Holly: Don't get upset, Frosty.
Frosty: Upset? Upset is waking up and finding out somebody forgot to give you a belly button. Upset is finding out somebody stole your nose to play foosball. This ain't upset, kid. This is panic! I'm two squirts from being history!
(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)
Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
Sean: (Narrating) So, with Summer Wheeze getting rid of the snow, Holly comes up with a plan, and she does the E.T. approach by hiding Frosty in her refrigerator. Wait, what?
Frosty: (After Holly opens the refrigerator door) You got to be kidding me.
Holly: Shh. Hurry.
"Hey, if Indiana Jones can hide in a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear explosion, then you can hide in a refrigerator to avoid melting. So shut up and get your frosty ass inside." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Holly hides Frosty in her refrigerator at her house, we cut to her school where some of her classmates are all swept up in the Summer Wheeze craze but Charles gives his speech about snow.
Charles: Snow plays an important role in our environment. It is a major source of fresh water through the Earth and without it life on this planet would soon disappear. Isn't that right, Ms. Carbunkle? Ms. Carbunkle?
(A clip from The Simpsons fifth season episode Homer Goes to College is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Neeeeeerd!
"Couldn't have said it better myself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the kids of Beansboro decide that they don't want more snow anymore. Well, wait a minute. Minutes ago, you little bastards were singing about how much you love the snow and then all of a sudden you guys hate it now. Jesus, what is this Ohio? So anyway, Holly leaves school and she finds Frosty at Gooseberry Park.
Frosty: I think I finally found a place where the snow is here to stay. An ice castle!
"Who's staying in that ice castle, Elsa from Frozen?" Sean asked. "Come on, who made this thing or is it just a prop. What's the deal with that ice castle?"
Holly: Whenever I try to talk, my mouth gets all dry and my hands get all clammy. I let you down, didn't I?
Frosty: You know, kid. Maybe it's time you've tried a different approach.
"Hey, we can talk about it. Or we can just sing about it." Sean said with a smile on his face, then he realized what he just done. "Oh, no. Wait. Don't start sing….!"
Frosty: (Sings) Sometimes when the words just fail you you're scared but you know they're wrong.
"You snowy son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, the reason why Frosty the Snowman was so memorable was because of the song. In this one, this fucking song gets stuck in my head and it gets annoying as hell. And why do they have to keep throwing in a song? I'm getting really sick of these musical numbers. They're badly written, badly sung and incredibly forced.
"Can you imagine me throwing in some random song in the middle of the review for no apparent reason because I felt like it? It would be annoying as hell. Ladies and gentlemen, performing the his hit song Danger Zone, here's Kenny Loggins." Sean said.
(We cut to Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone music video)
Sean immediately pushes the music video out of the way to get on with the review. "There. You see what I mean?"
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Mr. Twitchell sings and my god, Brian Doyle-Murray can't sing for shit! But enough about that song, Holly introduces Frosty to her friend Charles and he's not really surprised about a snowman coming to life.
Frosty: (While dancing) Come on. Don't make me dance alone.
(Mr. Twitchell's limo drives by and he spots Frosty dancing with Holly and Charles)
Mr. Twitchell: Hold it. Stop the car! Stop the car! And stop the music.
Sean looks down at his coffee table and notices that his phone is playing music. "Oops. Sorry."
Sean picks up his phone to turn off the music, then looks at the camera and smiles.
Sean: (Narrating) After they get spotted by Mr. Twitchell, the crazy old man sends his cat named Bones and the cat starts spraying Summer Wheeze, resulting in….
(Frosty, Holly and Charles see a hole in Frosty after he gets hit with some Summer Wheeze)
Holly: Frosty, what happened?
Charles: Looks like the work of Summer Wheeze.
"No shit, Sheldon." Sean said.
Holly: Oh no, there's hardly any snow left on the ground.
"Uh, yeah there is. Look down." Sean said.
Holly: How are we going to help Frosty?
"Look down on the ground." Sean said.
Frosty: You better think fast, guys. Or I'm going back to the North Pole in a bowl.
Sean has a shocked look on his face as he gets up from off of his couch and starts leaving the living room for a moment. And then, in a fit of rage, Sean runs back in the living room and starts yelling at the camera. "WHAT?!"
Sean: (Narrating) You can't be fucking serious?! Are you fucking blind?! You could just look below your fucking feet and use the snow on the ground to help patch Frosty up. Are you high?! The park is covered with tons of snow while you were singing. And you're in a castle literally made of fucking ice. Ice and snow are pretty much the exact same fucking thing. Jesus! You're making this act like the fucking Holocaust!
Narrator: Sometimes, it pays to have a man of science on your side. Most of us panic in a time of crisis. Me, I reach for a cup of cocoa. Helps me focus. (He drinks the hot cocoa)
"Yeah, I would like to have a cup of hot cocoa and throw it in Lorne Michaels' face for producing this pile of snow shit!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Charles arrives at the ice castle with snow that he was saving for an experiment in the freezer and they use it on Frosty to help him out. And now, the day of the Winter Carnival arrives and so does more snow, but Mr. Twitchell makes an entrance with Summer Wheeze and his trucks to melt all the snow away.
Mr. Twitchell: Greetings, neighbors. Who says you need snow to have a carnival, eh?
"Nobody says that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Holly confronts Twitchell and this special went all Captain Planet and the Planeteers on our asses.
Holly: Summer Wheeze is not the kind of magic we look forward to every winter, Mr. Twitchell.
Mr. Twitchell: (To his cat Bones) Call security.
Holly: Your product is dangerous. What's convenient for today isn't always safe for tomorrow. We need snow just as much as we need rain or sunshine or clean air.
"Really? Do I need a lesson on saving the environment? I'm supposed to be watching Frosty the Snowman, not Captain Planet. In fact, this feels like a bad episode of Captain Planet. Not an episode dealing with pollution, gang violence, killing whales or Aids. Oh, no. This one is about saving winter and needing snow on the ground and saving it from big business tycoons who hate the snow." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Twitchell refuses to listen to Holly, so she unleashes Plan B, revealing Frosty to the citizens of Beansboro.
Frosty: Now, can somebody give me a B-flat.
"Oh, no! Don't you dare start singing!" Sean yelled out.
(The trumpet player starts playing a B-flat and it starts snowing)
Frosty: (Singing) Let there be snow. Let there be snow. This kind of weather brings people together….
Sean starts screaming in annoyance while he has his face covered by the couch pillow while hitting on it.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love how the fact that the people are just not going to question about a walking and talking snowman that's singing and dancing. While he's leading the people in another song, Twitchell and his cat tries to turn Frosty into a puddle of slush but fails unsuccessfully and this convinces people that Summer Wheeze is bad for the environment.
Lil (Voiced by the late Jan Hooks): Well, I don't think we even need to vote this year, neighbors. There could only be one king in this crowd.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they declare Frosty the king of the carnival. Mr. Twitchell suddenly becomes a good guy and at the end it's time for Frosty to depart.
Holly: Don't leave, Frosty.
Frosty: Don't worry, kid. I'll be back. Give me some time to find a new bowtie. This time no polka dots. Maybe something in a nice blue, not too busy. Or green. I like green. Brings out my eyes.
(Frosty then disappears in a gust of wind. We then cut to the words "Executive Producer Lorne Michaels" written on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh shove it, Lorne Michaels!
"And that was Frosty Returns and wasn't that special just magical?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone.
(Footage from Frosty Returns is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The animation is choppy, the story is sloppy, songs are forced in, the message is phoned in and there are some things in this special that are not explained. It's a slap in the face to the original beloved classic. And I have one question to ask, what does this have to do with Christmas? This has nothing to do with Christmas and they air this every year on CBS along with the original. That's why Frosty Returns gets 2 magic hats out of 5.
"If you want to check it out and if you're very, very curious to do so, then may God have mercy on your poor souls. Until then, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Let's go outside and make a fertility goddess.
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of Frosty Returns. What did you think of my review and what did you think of the Christmas special when you watched it? Do you like the original and Frosty's Winter Wonderland over this? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, I will be reviewing either the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas comedy Jingle All the Way or the 1985 cult classic Santa Claus: The Movie starring the Big Lebowski himself David Huddleston as Santa Claus. Which one do you want to see me review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if there's anything Christmas related that you want me to review like a movie or an episode from a television show or a Christmas special, feel free to leave a message. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.