The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed the God-awful Christmas special Frosty Returns. Today, Sean's quest for Christmas continues when he takes a look at the 1996 Schwarzenegger Christmas family comedy Jingle All the Way. A movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. How bad could it be? Wait, why am asking you that? Just read and find out.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Jingle All the Way is owned by 20th Century Fox and 1492 Pictures.
Episode Forty-Two
Jingle All the Way
We find our fellow critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room sipping on a cup of hot cocoa with whip cream and marshmallows as he prepares to talk about today's feature film.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about the horrors of Christmas shopping, finding the perfect gift for your loved one."
(We cut to footage of shoppers pushing and shoving each other and fighting while Christmas shopping)
Sean: (Narrating) We have to put up with fights, stampedes, riots and utter chaos. This is why I order my gifts from Amazon. I don't want to pick a fight with some Russian guy at Wal-Mart over a PS4 Pro. It's an American tradition that brings out the worst in people. Hey, we have Cyber Monday. It's way better than Black Friday. And let's not forget that the gift that you're trying to get for your kid is sold out and you have to venture through store to store just to find the damn gift.
"What's the best film to satirize the horrors of Christmas shopping and the commercialization of Christmas. I know the perfect film, 1996 comedy Jingle All the Way." Sean said.
(The title for the movie is shown as well as clips from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 22, 1996. The film was inspired by real-life Christmas toy sellouts like the Cabbage Patch Doll craze and the Power Rangers toy craze. The film stars our favorite hulking Austrian catchphrase spewing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger and comedian Sinbad.
"Really? Arnold Schwarzenneger and Sinbad in a Christmas movie together. Who's the joker that came up with the idea?" Sean asked as a picture of the film's producer, Chris Columbus, pops up next to him as the young critic turns to his left. "Oh, the guy that brought us Gremlins, The Goonies, Young Sherlock Holmes and Adventures in Babysitting."
(A picture of the film's screenwriter Randy Kornfield and producer Chris Columbus is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The film's screenwriter, Randy Kornfield, wrote the film's screenplay after he witnessed his in-laws go to a Santa Monica toy store at dawn trying to get his son one of the Power Rangers toys. Producer Chris Columbus had a similar experience back in 1995 when he tried to get a Buzz Lightyear action figure from the film Toy Story, so he re-wrote Kornfield's original script and 20th Century Fox accepted the script.
"And not only I'll be taking a look at the movie, but we will be talking about the extended cut of the movie that I have on my Family Fun Edition DVD." Sean said as he holds up his DVD copy of Jingle All the Way. "Remember when they show the movie on television and they show us additional scenes that were not shown in theaters? Well, the extended director's cut of the movie gives us that. So, let's not waste any time. This is Jingle All the Way."
Sean: (Narrating) The film open with this children's show called Turbo Man….
(The character Turbo Man from the video game Mega Man 7 pops up and the Stage Start music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) No. Wrong Turbo Man. I'm talking about the popular television superhero that kids watch and it kinda reminds me of Power Rangers and you have Two-Face's portrayer (Richard Moll) from Batman: The Animated Series playing Turbo Man's arch-nemesis Dementor.
Dementor (Played by Richard Moll): Ta-ta, Turbo Man.
(Dementor fires his fist at Turbo Man's face, hitting him)
"Uh, question: what kid in his right mind would watch a show like that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, none other than that little pipsqueak himself. This is seven-year-old Jamie Langston, played by Jake Lloyd.
"Jake Lloyd. Why does that name sound so familiar?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is shown)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): Are you an angel?
"Oh, no." Sean said.
(Another clip from The Phantom Menace is shown)
Anakin Skywalker: I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.
"Oh, no!" Sean said with a shocked look on his face.
(A third clip from The Phantom Menace is shown)
Anakin Skywalker: Now this is pod racing!
(A clip from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is shown)
Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Noooooooooooooooo!
"God, why does it have to be that kid?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. That's Anakin Skywalker himself, Jake Lloyd. So, yeah. Jamie is a fan of the superhero Turbo Man. We see that his has to get ready for his karate class but his father's not home yet and that he won't make it to see him get his belt.
Jamie Langston (Played by Jake Lloyd): He misses everything.
Liz Langston (Played by Rita Wilson): Well, he's not gonna miss this. He's probably just working really hard.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a Christmas party at his father's place of business and we're introduced to the main character of the film Howard Langston, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and we see that he's a mattress salesman and that he tends to work a lot. So, his wife Liz played by Rita Wilson calls him up to remind him about Jamie's karate class.
Liz Langston: Howard, where are you?
Howard Langston (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): I know. Jamie's karate class. Don't worry. I'll meet you there. I promise. And don't forget, you're my number one customer. (He realized what he just said to his wife) Liz! Look, I didn't mean that….
(Liz groans and hangs up on Howard)
Howard Langston: Liz?
"Nice going, genius." Sean said as Brian cracks up.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard leaves work and rushes to his son's karate class but he ends up getting caught in traffic and then he tries to avoid traffic but fails unsuccessfully when he gets pulled over by some jackass police officer named Officer Hummell, played by Robert Conrad.
Howard Langston: Look, sir, I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm really late for my son's karate class.
Officer Hummell (Played by Robert Conrad): Oh, I do apologize if I caused you some sort of delay. How thoughtless of me. Because the last thing that I want on my conscience right now is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed in the performance of my duty.
Howard Langston: Look, I was not criticizing you, Officer. It's just that…
Officer Hummell: Step out of the vehicle.
"Geez. You're taking your job way too seriously. Don't you think, Baretta?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Peter Gunn here has Howard doing some tests that a drunk person can do.
Officer Hummell: Recite the alphabet.
Howard Langston: "A," "B," "C"…
Officer Hummell: Backwards.
"Are you kidding me? I can recite the alphabet backwards and I'm not even drunk." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to hurry to Jamie's karate class but he ends up missing it.
Howard Langston: I didn't make it.
"Oh, gee. Thanks for letting us know, Captain Obvious. Me and the audience would've figured that out if you didn't say something." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) So after he misses Jamie's karate class, Howard heads home only to find his next door neighbor Ted, played by the late great Phil Hartman, is on his roof taking care of some of Howard's fatherly duties like putting up the lights on his roof.
Ted Maltin (Played by the late Phil Hartman): I had some extra lights in the garage and since you didn't put up any yourself, I thought, what the heck? Why not spread a little Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?
Howard Langston: Aw, gee, Ted. How thoughtful?
"Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz. My gimmick for this movie is to be that annoying jackass who has the neighborhood women falling for me. Did I mention that I'm a lawyer? Here's my card." Sean said, imitating Ted as he pulls out a cannabis card. "Oh wait, that's my cannabis card for my weed. Let me give you my lawyer card."
Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to apologize to Jamie but Jamie is too upset with him for breaking too many promises.
Howard Langston: Listen. It was not my fault. Jamie, don't walk away from your father.
(Jamie slams the door in Howard's face)
"Open the door, Jamie. Or I will destroy you." Sean said, imitating Howard.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get Schwarzenegger trying to be funny in a kid's movie.
Howard Langston: (Picks up his son's karate belt) Oh, is this it? Wow! This is really cool. How do you do this? (He tries to wrap the belt around his waist) Like this? No. I know. Like this.
(Howard wraps the belt around his head and tries to impress Jamie)
Howard Langston: What do you think, Jamie? How about this? (Howard then proceeds to strike a weird pose and lets out a bad martial arts cry, then pretends to attack Jamie)
"Remember when he was the Terminator? He was awesome. Dude, you were the Terminator! What happened to you?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Kindergarten Cop plays where we see Det. John Kimble, who's undercover as a kindergarten teacher, getting along with his students)
"Oh, yeah. Right after Kindergarten Cop." Sean said. "Damn you, Ivan Reitman."
Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to make it up to Jamie when his son asks him for something that his heart desires for Christmas. A very special gift. Please don't let it be a pod racer.
Howard Langston: Tell me. What do you want?
Jamie Langston: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and the rock-and-roar jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases including, "It's turbo time!" Accessories sold separately. Batteries not include.
"Ah, yes. The Turbo Man action figure. I have one when I was a kid. Until my jackass cousin broke my Turbo Man's leg. I don't care if my cousin was in the Air Force in Guam but I'm gonna kick his ass for breaking my Turbo Man action figure. And I'm trying to find one on Amazon and it's fucking $600 for a collectible! Man, my cousin Samuel was a jealous asshole!" Sean exclaimed.
Jamie Langston: Johnny's gonna get one, and so is everybody else I know. Whoever doesn't is a gonna be a real loser.
"If Johnny and everybody else you know ask you to jump off of the Carew Tower, would you do it?" Sean asked. "Kid, couldn't you ask for something else for Christmas? Like ruin a Star Wars movie?"
Sean: (Narrating) So, Jamie forgives his father and the two of them start bonding. Ah, materialism. Isn't it what Christmas is all about? It brings everybody together. But there seems to be one major problem…
Liz Langston: Which reminds me. You got the doll, right?
(As Liz ducks her head, the camera zooms towards Howard, accompanied by dramatic music by the film's composer David Newman)
Howard Langston: (Shocked) The doll?
"He doesn't have the doll. Wow. So much for your son being a real loser." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love it when Rita Wilson ducks her head right when the camera zooms towards Arnold and he makes this over-the-top expression on his face that looks too comical.
"Hey, Sean. Did you get Taylor something for Christmas?" Brian asked.
The camera zooms towards Sean as he makes an over-the-top expression on his face right when the camera zooms in on his face until the camera hits him in the face.
"Ow! God damn it, Dave!" Sean yelled, rubbing his forehead.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the one thing that Arnold could do is to tell the truth. Right?
Howard Langston: No, no. I-I- I got it. I- I got the Turbo Man doll, the one that has those things that shoot out in front with that rock 'em sock 'em jet pack and with that realistic voice box that says, "It's turbo time.", I got it.
"Or he can just lie about. What kind of a father are you?" Sean asked.
Howard Langston: I got it right away.
Liz Langston: Good. Because at this point they'd probably be impossible to find.
(Liz turns off the light in the bedroom, Howard then turns his head to make a comical expression on his face)
Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, shit. I'm so screwed.
"You're dead meat, man." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, it's Christmas Eve and Howard has to go out and get the Turbo Man doll for Jamie but Jamie has to remind his Dad that the Christmas parade is today and that they go every year.
Jamie Langston: Dad, you can't miss it. It's gonna be really cool.
Howard Langston: I won't miss it. I'll be there. I promise.
"Dude, don't make promises you can't keep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Howard heads out of the house, he bumps into his neighbor Ted, who happens to have a. What the hell? Is that a reindeer.
Ted Maltin: A little Christmas surprise for Johnny.
"So, you give your son a reindeer for Christmas. Who does that? It's like giving me a lynx as a pet. Come to think about it." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean walks into his kitchen to grab himself something to drink from out of the refrigerator. As he does so, he hears the sound of an angry lynx screaming at him)
Sean: Holy shit. Taylor!
(The lynx roars at Sean)
Sean: Taylor!
(The lynx chases Sean. Sean starts screaming and grabs Riley as he hides in his office, locking the door behind him, then picks up his phone to call Animal Control while the lynx is clawing at his door)
Sean: Hello, Animal Control. Yeah, I have a wild lynx in my home and….
(Taylor screams as she sees the lynx)
Sean: HELP ME!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, the reindeer is adorable, there's no way that it could harm anybody…
Howard Langston: Hey, buddy. How are you?
(Howard tries to pet the reindeer. The reindeer roars at him and tries to bite him)
Howard Langston: Hey!
Ted Maltin: Whoa! That's odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesn't like… aftershave or something.
"Maybe the reindeer saw Batman & Robin. That's why it doesn't like him." Sean said.
Ted Maltin: I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago. It's nestled safely under our tree.
"Thank you for that useful information, Ted. I'm going to remember that later on in the movie when I try to do something stupid. Well, I've got to go. Hasta la vista, baby." Sean said, imitating Howard.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard sets out to find a Turbo Man store and while waiting in line, he comes across a mailman who's looking for the same toy. His name is Myron Larabee and he's played by Sinbad and as much as I like Sinbad in this movie, his character tends to get really annoying.
Myron Larabee (Played by Sinbad): My son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man.
Howard Langston: That's Turbo Man.
"For you younger readers out there that don't know who Sinbad is, well congratulations, this is my Christmas gift to you all. Alright, I'm kidding. He's not that bad. I've seen some of his stand-up comedy and he's pretty funny." Sean said.
Myron Larabee: You know it's all a ploy, don't you?
Howard Langston: A ploy?
Myron Larabee: Man, where have you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.
Howard Langston: Oh, come on.
Myron Larabee: You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out!
"Boy, he should join the same group as Oliver Stone and Jesse Ventura. The Conspiracy Theorists Club." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And as the store opens up, every body run in like a pack of fucking wolves and they try to kill each other! They try to look for the Turbo Man doll, but it turns out that the store is all sold out. So, Howard asks one of the store clerks, played by Chris Parnell.
"Oh, great. Another actor from Saturday Night Live in this movie. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Laraine Newman, another actor from Saturday Night Live, is in this movie. She plays the First Lady in the Turbo Man show." Sean said. "So yeah. Three actors from Saturday Night Live."
Howard Langston: I'm trying to find a Turbo Man doll.
Myron Larabee: Me too. Me too.
Howard Langston: Do you have any more in the back?
(The toy store sales clerk starts laughing hysterically)
Myron Larabee: What?
Howard Langston: What's he laughing about? What did I say?
Toy Store Sales Clerk (Played by Chris Parnell): (Laughing) These guys are looking for a Turbo Man.
Howard Langston: A Turbo Man doll, yes.
(His co-worker starts laughing hysterically)
Toy Store Co-Worker (Played by Patrick Richwood): (Laughs, then turns to a female shopper): They're looking for a Turbo Man.
(The female customer starts laughing hysterically as well)
Toy Store Customer (Played by Kate McGregor-Stewart): Hey, everybody. These two are looking for a Turbo Man.
(All of the customers in the store start laughing as well)
Myron Larabee: Shut up, man.
"What the hell is up with everybody in this store? Are they all high? What's so goddamn funny?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Toy Store Sales Clerk: Where have you guys been? Turbo Man's only the hottest selling Christmas toy ever. Duh!
"What's up with them, did they overdose on laughing gas? Okay, enough fucking around. Arnold, time to do some killing." Sean said.
(A fed up Howard lifts the store clerks by their collars)
Howard Langston: (Menacing) Where's your Christmas spirit?
"Yes! Now we're talking. This is the Schwarzenegger I know. Go ahead, Arnold. Kill them, very violently." Sean said with a smirk on his face.
(The two clerks smile at Howard)
Howard Langston: (Smiles) That's better.
(Howard puts the clerks down instead)
"Oh, you are such a pussy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The clerks tell Howard that the last Turbo Man just left and some lady in a fur coat had it on layaway. So, Howard tries to go after it, but Myron tries to stop him but Howard stops him by making him trip over an R/C car, then Howard goes after the woman in the fur coat, who happens to be played by Yeardley Smith.
"Oh, you think I'm joking? That's Lisa Simpson's portrayer playing the woman in the fur coat in the extended director's cut of the film." Sean said.
Howard Langston: I followed you all the way over to the store.
Woman in the Fur Coat (Played by Yeardley Smith): Oh, really?
Howard Langston: Yes, really. There's something I wanted to ask you.
Woman in the Fur Coat: Would you like my phone number?
"D'oh!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Homer Simpson.
Sean: (Narrating) No, he doesn't get her number. Instead, he pays Lisa Simpson to give him the Turbo Man doll and she gives him her number just in case. Boy, I never thought that Lisa Simpson could be flirty. Howard finally gets the doll, but it's not Turbo Man. It's friggin' Booster!
Howard Langston: Booster? I don't want Booster.
"Lisa Simpson just tricked me. That's it, no more season for her." Sean said, imitating Howard.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard spots another woman, who's dressed in a fur coat, driving away with a Turbo Man doll as he runs after it until the woman spots him and drives away. And then we get a montage of Howard going from toy store to toy store to find the Turbo Man doll, but has no luck. So, he takes it out on a cardboard cut-out of Turbo Man.
(Howard punches the cardboard cut-out of Turbo Man, flinging it back until it hits him in the head, then he starts violently ripping it apart while customers look at him)
Sean: (V/O as Howard) This is all your fault! I'm going to murder you!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at the Langston residence, Ted drops by to put the moves on Howard's wife while she's making Christmas cookies.
Ted Maltin: It's Christmas Eve, and you're slaving over a hot stove. Is this the mom of the year or what?
Liz Langston: It's no big deal.
Ted Maltin: And modest too./Looks like you could use a little you time. Why don't you go upstairs, take a shower? I'll keep an eye on the boys, finish up with the cookies.
"Maybe I can go upstairs to join you in the shower after I finish with the cookies. Maybe I can make you forget about that hulking husband of yours." Sean said, imitating Ted. "Did I mention that I'm Troy McClure? You might remember me in the action film The Night the Reindeer Died."
"Dude, I love Christmas cookies but not enough to hit on the neighbor's wife." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But when Howard tries to call his wife, he gets Slimy McJackass instead and he does the worst thing known to man….
Ted Maltin: (While eating some cookies) Howard, excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world.
Howard Langston: What… Who told you you could eat my cookies?
"You stay away from my cookies, Ted." Sean said, imitating Howard.
Howard Langston: Ted, I need to speak to my wife, so could you get her on the phone, please?
Ted Maltin: I think she's in the shower. Do you want me to go check?
Howard Langston: No!
"You stay away from my wife." Sean said, imitating Howard once more.
(Ted takes another bite of the cookie)
Ted Maltin: Mmm! Oh, these cookies! I got to get the recipe from Liz.
Howard Langston: Put that cookie down! Now!
Sean just stares at the camera and gives a low sigh.
(The "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing)
"Okay, okay. Stop. If that goddamn remix starts playing one more time. I'll never be able to finish this review." Sean said.
(The "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing once more)
"Shut up!" Sean exclaimed while pointing at the camera.
"Ugh, remixes." Brian said.
"You said it." Sean said, agreeing with Brian.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Howard gets off the phone with Ted, he ends up bumping into a familiar face.
Myron Larabee: Hey, sorry about whacking you at the toy store. You know, I got caught up in the friendly spirit of competition.
"Friendly spirit of competition, my ass! You tried to kill him by whacking him with your mailbag." Sean said.
Myron Larabee: You and I, we're the same kind of person.
Sean: (V/O) Except he's famous, Austrian, muscular and white and you're not.
Myron Larabee: I was thinking, maybe though, we could join up as a team. You know, like Starsky and Hutch, like Jonny Quest and Hadji, man, like Bonnie and Clyde, like Ike and Tina….
"Like Ike and Tina Turn… Dude, have you not seen What's Love Got to Do With It? Remember that limo scene? They were beating the ever-loving spoonful shit out of each other!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard turns down Myron's offer to work as a team and that pisses the mailman off. And then, news breaks out about a late delivery of Turbo Man dolls at Toy Works, so they race each other but Howard has a teeny little problem.
(Howard accidentally backs into a cop's motorcycle. He tries to pick it up and he sees the police officer who gave him a ticket standing in front of him)
Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, no.
Officer Hummell: You broke my little mirror. License and registration, please.
"Hey, take it easy Lennie Briscoe. What is it with this guy? Overzealous pig." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting another ticket from that rent-a-cop, Howard heads down to Mall of America and arrives at Toy Works, where he has another encounter with… Oh, God. Not this clown again. He has another encounter with Sinbad. Anyway, the library administrator from Ghostbusters (John Rothman) explains that they received a small quantity of the Turbo Man dolls and the employees hand out colored balls that are numbered and the balls will be drawn in a standard lottery fashion to see who gets a doll.
Mall Toy Store Manager (Played by John Rothman): If you're not one of the lucky few, we have plenty of Turbo Man's faithful pet tiger Booster in stock.
Myron Larabee: We don't want it! We don't want it!
"Man, fuck Booster! Just give me the damn Turbo Man doll. I need to replace my old one that my idiot cousin broke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get out of control when everyone in the toy store start fighting over a ball. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! People are fighting each other over a Turbo Man doll? My mother never had any trouble getting me an Xbox One X for me for Christmas last year. She never got into any fights. Or killed anyone over a Christmas gift. I'm sensing there's gonna be tons of body bags at Mall of America. And to top it all off, they're playing my favorite rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Johnny Mathis during this scene while these customers are acting like a pack of wolves over a ball.
(The customers, Howard and Myron fight over a ball)
Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets the ball but gets maced in the face by Myron and he steals the ball away from Howard.
Myron Larabee: (Laughing) I got it! I got it! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo,
Howard Langston: He got two! He got two!
Man: Get the mailman!
Myron Larabee: What? No!
"Hey, the black guy dies first in the movie. So, you're dead meat, pal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard goes after the ball, that bounces like Flubber and it falls into the hands of a…. a little toddler boy? I think. And Howard traverses through the mall's playground to get it back.
Sean: (V/O as Howard) Out of my way little girl or I will eat you!
(Howard slides into the ball pit and comes across the toddler.
Howard Langston: Hi, little girl.
"That's a little girl? Uh, it almost looked like a boy. Maybe it's because of that Justin Bieber-ish type hair. Come on, at least give her a dress, not dress her up in overalls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to get the ball from the little girl by prying it out of her mouth but then the toddler's mother and a bunch of angry mothers start beating up Howard with their purses and calling him a "pervert".
Angry Mother: Pervert!
Howard Langston: I'm not a pervert. I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll.
"Hmm, isn't that what it said on my shirt?" Sean asked as he looked down at his shirt that says the exact same line that Howard said in the film. "Oh, what a coincidence."
Sean: (Narrating) With no luck finding a Turbo man doll, Howard has a savior. And that savior is in the form of a Belushi.
A photo John Belushi with a halo and angel wings appears next to Sean.
"Wrong Belushi. I'm talking about the other Belushi brother who was also on Saturday Night Live and before this movie, him and Schwarzenegger both starred in the 1988 buddy cop action comedy Red Heat. An awesome movie directed by Walter Hill. Go check it out, I recommend it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Mall Santa (Played by James Belushi): You want a Turbo Man for Christmas.
Howard Langston: Forget it. I'm not going to sit on your lap.
Mall Santa: Hey, chief, that's not my bag. Get it? (Chuckles)
"What the? Seriously, movie? A gay joke in a kid's film. You know? For kids." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Belushi Claus shows him a photo of the Turbo Man doll and he takes Howard to a warehouse where a counterfeit toy ring run by con men dressed as Santa Claus and I shouldn't trust some guy dressed as Santa Claus. And then we get this little moment that's in the extended director's cut of the film.
Mall Santa: Have you ever heard that song "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot"?
"No, I've never heard of that song but please don't start singing." Sean said.
Mall Santa: (Sings) He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot. And goodness knows he didn't want a lot.
"I should learn when to keep my mouth shut." Sean said.
(The mall Santa keeps singing the song while we cut to Sean trying to say something)
Mall Santa: (Sings) I'm so sorry for that laddie. He hasn't got a daddy. The little boy that Santa Claus forgot.
We then cut to Sean, who is busy watching a video on his phone. "Yeah, that's right Cherie DeVille, go to town on Adriana Sephora. Man, I love this vi…"
Sean looks at the camera and quickly turns the video off.
"Are they finished singing? Good. Back to the story." Sean said as he sits his phone down on the coffee table.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets the Turbo Man doll, but there's something fishy about the toy.
(Howard presses the button on the Turbo Man doll. It talks but instead it's speaking in Spanish)
Mall Santa: Oh, well, that's the multilingual version. It's fun and educational.
(Howard takes the doll out of the box as it starts falling apart)
"That's a broken Turbo Man, you bastard. Now, I'm going to kill you!" Sean yelled out, imitating Arnold.
Sean: (Narrating) So after he got duped by that con artist, Howard tries to return the doll and get his money back and he has a few choice words for these guys.
Howard Langston: You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.
Mall Santa: What did you call us?
Howard Langston: You heard me right: con men, thieves, degenerates, lowlifes, thugs, criminals!
"Charlatans, savages, scallywags, bounders, wankers, assholes!" Sean said.
Mall Santa: In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner. Put 'em up.
Howard Langston: Relax, buddy. I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.
"Couldn't you just shoot him?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Red Heat is shown)
Capt. Ivan Danko (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): (Points his gun at Ridzik) I have my orders!
Det. Art Ridzik (Played by James Belushi): What are you fucking nuts?
Mall Santa: (Taunts) Come on. Come on. What are you, chicken? Chick, chick, chick. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. He's taking lessons from Tommy Wiseau.
(A clip from The Room plays)
Tommy (Played by Tommy Wiseau): You're just a chicken. Cheep-cheep-cheep!
"Alright. You're not gonna stand there and let him taunt you like that, are you?" Sean asked.
(Howard grabs the mall Santa by his fake beard, pulling it and hitting him with it, flinging him into a pole)
Mall Santa: Get him.
"Okay, we need some appropriate fighting music for a scene so ridiculous, so silly, so stupid and so funny. Ladies and gentlemen, performing the song Jingle Bells, here's The Brian Setzer Orchestra!" Sean announced.
(The Brian Setzer Orchestra's rendition of Jingle Bells start playing as Howard starts fighting a Ninja Santa and a few other Santas. Then, a hulking man dressed as Santa appears)
Huge Santa (Played by Paul "The Giant" Wight): I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.
"Whoa, wait. Is that Big Show? It is That's Paul Wight a.k.a. Big Show from WWE getting ready to fight Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is the most fucking awesome death battle ever!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Howard fights Big Show dressed as Santa and knocks him out until he gets tazed in the ass by Mickey from Seinfeld and gets surrounded by Santas until the cops arrive. Howard narrowly escapes by posing as an undercover cop. During his quest to look for a Turbo Man doll for his son, Howard runs out of gas and stops in Mickey's Diner to call home to let Jamie in on the bad news.
Jamie Langston: Are you on your way? The parade's gonna start soon.
Howard Langston: Jamie, get your mother, please.
Jamie Langston: Well, are you?
Howard Langston: Am I what?
Jamie Langston: Coming home soon.
Howard Langston: Yes, immediately! Now please get your mother!
Jamie Langston: 'Cause, Dad, before you left you promised that you were gonna be at the parade. You haven't been here all day, so you can't miss it.
"Kid, you better get your mother. You don't want to piss off me or Arnold. We will destroy you." Sean said.
Jamie Langston: 'Cause, Dad, when someone makes a promise, they definitely should keep it. You know, it's like what Turbo Man says: (Deep Voice) "Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends."
Howard Langston: Enough! Enough of this Turbo Man, okay? I had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anyone I don't want to have advice from right now, it's Turbo Man! Now get your mother!
"Get your mother now or I will use this double-bladed lightsaber on you." Sean said, pulling out Darth Maul's lightsaber.
Jamie Langston: What would you know about keeping your promises? You never keep your promises! You never do anything you say you're gonna do! Ever!
(Jamie slams the phone on the receiver and walks away in sadness.
"I'm acting." Sean imitates Jamie and slams his phone down on the couch.
Liz Langston: (Flatly) Damn you, Howard.
"What's with the way she said that line? Like that wasn't over-dramatic enough." Sean said.
Liz Langston: Damn you, Howard.
"Damn you! Damn you!" Sean said in an overly dramatic tone, his phone starts ringing to the tone of Jingle Bell Rock and he answers it. "Hello? Hey, Rob. You went to McDonalds? Did you get me the McRib? They didn't have anymore and you got me a double cheeseburger instead? Damn you!"
Sean: (Narrating) So after he gets into an argument with his son, a depressed Howard sits down and has himself a cup of coffee until the movie decides to make us suffer when Myron shows up. The two start talking and Myron tells Howard his own resentment towards his own father when he was a child about wanting a special Christmas gift from him.
Myron Larabee: See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy… a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun. You remember those, don't you?
Howard Langston: No.
Myron Larabee: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday.
"Oh, please. Whatever you do, don't reenact it for us. We don't need a blast from the past from you old timers." Sean said.
Myron Larabee: "Johnny to Peter. Johnny to Peter. Enemy sighted." "Roger there! Open fire!" And then Johnny would whip out his Johnny Seven O.M.A. one-man-army gun. Seven guns in one- count 'em!
"Fuck!" Sean growled.
Myron Larabee: One, it's a grenade launcher. (Imitates Rocket Grenade Firing, Exploding) Two, it's an anti-armor gun. (Explosive Shot) Three, it's an antitank gun. I see ya, buddy. (Explosive shot)
"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed while Myron describes the Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun.
Myron Larabee: Five, it was a tommy gun. (Machine Gun Firing) Six, it's an anti-aircraft gun. Just in case somebody survived, seven was a cap-firing pistol. (Gunshots)
"Are you done?" Sean asked. "Please, don't describe the commercial anymore."
Sean: (Narrating) Then Howard begin to imagine Jamie having a similar future as Myron.
(In Howard's imagination, he sees Jamie dressed as Myron, carrying a whiskey bottle)
Jamie Langston: Here's to you, Dad.
(Jamie takes a swig of whiskey)
"Oh, please. I've seen this kid's future, it involves children making fun of him in his young age after starring in The Phantom Menace and in 2015, he gets arrested for reckless driving, driving without a license and resisting arrest." Sean says, mentioning the incident involving Jake Lloyd.
Sean: (Narrating) But the chase for a Turbo Man doll continues when a radio station advertises a competition for the Turbo Man doll, involving identifying eight of Santa's reindeer. Howard and Myron race down to the radio station, with Howard being the first one there give the answer to the radio D.J., played by Martin Mull, but then he calls the cops on Howard.
D.J. (Played by Martin Mull): Yeah, I got a madman in my studio, and…
(Howard kicks the door open)
D.J.: Help me!
"I have the answer. Let me give it to you before I destroy you!" Sean continues to imitate Howard.
Sean: (Narrating) After he gives the D.J. the answer, a pissed-off Myron arrives and pulls out a suspicious package.
Howard Langston: And what's that?
Myron Larabee: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
Howard Langston: A bomb?
D.J.: (Gasps) Good Lordy!
Myron Larabee: Yes, in layman's terms… a bomb! So back up!
Howard Langston: You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee: No, I didn't have to build a bomb. Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day. I just kept one in case I ever needed it. So give me the doll, or I'm gonna blow up everybody in this place!
"Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ on a cracker. Seinfeld and Naked Gun 33 1/3 were right about postal workers, these guys are fucking nuts and they tend to snap at any moment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Myron throws the bomb, but it turns out that it's not a bomb, it's just a harmless little music box. Then, Howard and Myron get duped by the radio DJ when he tells them the competition for a gift certificate, and the cops arrive as they point their guns at Myron while Howard makes an escape, only to be caught by…
Officer Hummell: Just can't stay out of trouble, can you?
"Oh, hi Peter Gunn. Nice to see you again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Myron tries to get out of it by taking another one of his packages and pretending it's a bomb just to threaten the police.
Myron Larabee: Now put the guns down. Now! Put them down! Brother man, put your gun down! Everybody! You too, Barnaby Jones.
"Goddamn it, Sinbad! I was gonna call him that!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) With the police disarmed, Howard and Myron make their escape while the lead officer tries to figure out how to disable the package.
Sparky (Played by Peter Breitmayer): Oh, you shouldn't mess with that.
Officer Hummell: Relax, Sparky. I was on the bomb squad for 10 years.
(Officer Hummell sniffs the package and shakes it)
Officer Hummell: Gentlemen, we've been duped.
(The officers sigh in relief)
Officer Hummell: This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
(As Hummel opens the package, we cut to outside the building, where an explosion is heard. Howard stops as he is shocked to hear the explosion while Myron, who's in a different part of the building, appears to have heard the explosion as well)
Myron Larabee: That was really bomb? This is a sick world we're living in. Sick people!
"Okay, now that joke was pretty funny." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard returns home after failing to find a Turbo Man for Jamie and as he arrives home, he finds Ted in his house putting the star up on his Christmas tree.
Howard Langston: (After seeing Ted putting the star up on the Christmas tree in his house) That son of a…/I'm out all day… and he's in my house… putting up my star on my tree.
"I must break him." Sean said, imitating Ivan Drago before speaking in his normal voice. "Oh, wait. That's Dolph Ludgren. I meant to do Schwarzenegger."
Sean: (Narrating) But before he could go to his house and pull a Running Man-style death on Ted, he remembers a little info from Ted and he stoops to the ultimate low, by breaking in to Ted's house to steal his son's Turbo Man doll in retaliation, but he couldn't.
"Wait, he broke into Ted's house and he tries to steal the Turbo Man doll that he got from his son. He's a Ted's house and Ted has a killer reindeer. Oh, deer." Sean said.
(Howard sees the reindeer getting ready to charge at him)
Howard Langston: (Gasps) Nice doggy.
(The reindeer growls at Howard)
Howard Langston: Nice.
(The reindeer roars at Howard and goes after him)
"Run! Go! Get to the choppa! Get your ass to Mars! Move it!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Ted's bloodthirsty pet reindeer goes after Arnold and tries to kill him, but causes some damage by knocking one of the Wise Men's heads in the fireplace, starting a fire until Howard kicks the head out through a window, scaring the carolers and getting caught by his wife and Ted.
Howard Langston: It's not what you think it is.
Liz Langston: Oh, it isn't? Really? Well then do tell me what it is, because as far as I know you got Jamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago. What it looks like is that you've broken into our neighbor's house and you're stealing presents from under the tree.
"Oh, honey. He has a funny story to tell you and you're definitely gonna laugh about it. It involves a run-in with Columbo, a disgruntled postal worker and Santa con men." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But Liz is fed up with Howard's excuses and she leaves him to go to the parade with her son and Ted.
Ted Maltin: (To Howard) You can't bench-press your way out of this one.
"Excuse me while I pick out the appropriate response." Sean said, looking away from the camera as the young critic picks out a series of responses a la Terminator vision until he picks one. "Fuck you, asshole."
Sean: (Narrating) But then Rudolph's reign of terror isn't over yet when the deer is thirsty for Austrian blood.
Howard Langston: You picked the wrong day.
(As the reindeer charges at him, Howard punches out the reindeer)
Howard Langston: You started it.
"Oh, come on! At least pick out a perfect one-liner. I got one for you. No more reindeer games for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the parade where the people in charge of the parade could afford copyrighted characters like Bert & Ernie, Crayola Crayons, Paddington Bear, Leonardo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc. Howard arrives and as soon as he does, he sees Ted trying to put the moves on his wife.
"That bastard!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets ready to go after Ted and murder him until he has another run-in with…
(Howard bumps into Officer Hummell, knocking him down on the ground until coffee lands on him as he groans in pain)
Officer Hummell: You!
(Howard runs as Officer Hummell chases him)
Officer Hummell: Come here. Stop that man!
"Uh-oh! Dirty Harry is pissed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Liz rejects Ted by hitting him upside his head with a thermos of eggnog. Meanwhile, Howard hides inside a building, where he's mistaken as stuntman/actor, where he is slipped into… here's a shocker… a Turbo Man outfit. And then we have a cameo from Booger himself Curtis Armstrong playing a performer playing Booster.
Chain Smoking Booster (Played by Curtis Armstrong): Finally! Where the hell have you been? Geez! I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up. Well, it's show time.
(He puts the mask on)
Howard Langston: I know you. You're Booster.
Chain Smoking Booster: Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are, Mary Poppins?
"God, no. I do not want the image of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mary Poppins popped into my mind. That would kill my childhood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While he's Turbo Man on a parade float, Howard must hand out a special limited edition Turbo Man doll to a special child.
"Gee, I wonder who that lucky kid would be?" Sean asked.
Howard Langston: (Points towards Jamie) Jamie!
Jamie Langston: He knows my name.
"Well, that's because he has a thick Austrian accent and he's about the size of a mountain. Plus, he's your father." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jamie collects his prize and he finally has the best Christmas ever by getting a Turbo Man from his father. The end.
"And that was Jingle All the Way and I thought it was an okay movie. It wasn't that bad as I thought it would be. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't horrible as…" Sean said.
(Myron ziplines down on a grappling hook, this time he's dressed as Turbo Man's archenemy Dementor)
"Oh, for the love of…. COME ON!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, folks. The movie's not over yet. Apparently, this film hasn't gotten enough of Sinbad, when he comes in dressed as Turbo Man's arch nemesis Dementor and he tries to steal the Turbo Man doll from Jamie.
Howard Langston: Come on, Myron. You're taking this too far.
"Please, for the love of all that is holy. Listen to the giant Austrian guy dressed as Turbo Man. You think he's probably taking things to far by making things right with his family." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jamie runs away as Myron tries to go after him for the doll while people applaud thinking that it's all an act. Really, people? There's some crazy postman chasing after a little kid for a doll and he's climbing on a roof and hanging on a Christmas decoration and you all applaud?
(A clip from Gary Coleman's interview on The Insider is shown)
Gary Coleman: You idiots! You bone-headed idiots!
Myron Larabee: All right, kid! End of the line! Just give me the doll!
Jamie Langston: Never!
"Oh, my Go…. Kid, are you willing to die than part with your stupid piece of plastic? Your life isn't worth it. Just give up the doll, you whiny little bastard!" Sean exclaimed.
Liza Tisch (Played by Amy Pietz): Fly! Fly, Turbo Man! Use your jet pack!
(Howard activates the jet pack that is on him)
Howard Langston: It's turbo tiiiiiiiiiiiime!
(Howard flies off with it)
Jamie Langston: Wow.
"Wait, hold it. So, are you trying to tell me that they could afford a couple of copyrighted characters and they can afford a fully-functioning jet pack? What's that I smell? I think I smell something. Oh, right. Bullshit!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Howard starts flying around the city and I have to say, it's a pretty cool scene and the visual effects is not that bad. After a bit of flying, Howard uses the turbo-rang, knocking Myron off of the neon Christmas tree and he falls into a parade float and gets surrounded by cops.
Jamie Langston: Turbo Man, help!
Howard Langston: Jamie!
(Jamie loses his grip and falls off of the giant neon Christmas tree sign)
"Yes! We're about to get a death in this movie. I'm loving this movie already." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Howard eventually saves Jamie)
"Damn it!" Sean exclaimed, slamming his hands down on the couch.
Jamie Langston: Thanks, Turbo Man. I'd knew you'd save me.
"Turbo Man, you're my hero." Sean said, imitating Jamie.
Sean: (Narrating) Howard, dressed as Turbo Man, saves his son. But Jamie is sad wishing that his father was here to see him flying with Turbo Man and then he drops a bomshell on him.
Howard Langston: Jamie, your dad is not mad at you. He loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. You're his all-time favorite person.
Jamie Langston: How do you know all that?
Howard Langston: Well, who would know better than… (he removes his helmet to reveal himself) me?
Jamie Langston: Dad?
Liz Langston: Howard?
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Nooooooo! No!
Sean: (Narrating) Howard apologizes to his family for neglecting them, Ted tries to avoid a beating from Howard for hitting on his wife, Jamie gets his Turbo Man doll and Howard apologized to Rick Hunter for being a clumsy idiot. Aside from all that excitement, Myron gets arrested but Jamie wanted to do something.
Jamie Langston: (Gives Myron the Turbo Man doll) Merry Christmas.
Myron Langston: You know, this is gonna make my son really happy.
"Well, at least there's Amazon. If you want to spend a shitload of money for a Turbo Man doll that's like $600." Sean said.
Howard Langston: But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything.
Jamie Langston: What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home.
(The crowd cheers and picks Howard up)
Jamie Langston: That's my dad! That's my dad!
Sean: (Narrating) And so, Jamie got the best Christmas gift ever… his father. And they all lived happily ever after….
"Or do they?" Sean asked.
(We cut to a post-credits scene, with Howard finishing decorating the Christmas tree by putting the star on top)
Liz Langston: Everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And, uh… And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder.
Howard Langston: What?
Liz Langston (Smiles) What did you get me?
(Howard panics when he realizes what he forgot to give his wife)
Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, no. Not again.
"And that was Jingle All the Way. It was an okay film. It's not that bad. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't as horrible as the other Christmas movies that I've seen before." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, as much as like this movie being a satire of the holiday season and dealing with the dark side of Christmas, my problem with the movie was the commercialization of the holiday. The movie is fairly entertaining, some moments were funny, there were some moments that made you question some things. The acting was okay. Even though that Schwarzenegger tries his best, he's still good. Sinbad was hilarious but sometimes annoying as Myron. Even though I tend to poke fun at Jake Lloyd, I thought he did an okay job. There was a sequel to the movie that was released straight-to-DVD back in 2014 called Jingle All the Way 2 and it starred Larry the Cable Guy, it was not that good. Hell, Jingle All the Way is Citizen Kane compared to it's sequel. All and all, if you're looking for a Christmas family comedy starring Schwarzenegger and if you're in the mood to do a good film riff, then this is the film for you. Jingle All the Way gets three Turbo Man dolls out of five.
"Well, that's all the time I have, until next time, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and let me leave you off with the Put That Cookie Down remix." Sean said as he plays the Put That Cookie Down remix right before he leaves the living room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Put that cookie down, now!
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of Jingle All the Way. Feel free to read and review it. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1984 horror comedy Gremlins. A Christmas movie fun for the whole family. Again, don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Anyway, if there's any Christmas special or any Christmas movies that you want me to review, feel free to PM me. Till next time, my fellow readers.