The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time, Sean's quest for Christmas continues when he reviewed the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas family comedy Jingle All the Way. Today, Sean and his friend Brian review the horror-comedy Gremlins. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources. Gremlins is owned by Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment.
Episode Forty-Three
Gremlins
Sean aka The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on his couch in his living room once more before giving his usual introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new…. CHRISTMAS!"
Sean jumps up from off of the couch screaming Christmas repeatedly while running around the house and throwing numerous Christmas decorations all over the Christmas tree and while his Christmas freakout is going on, various footage and images relating to the Christmas season are shown.
"I love Christmas. Need I say more? Okay, I will. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!" Sean yelled out. "It's the best time of the year."
"Dude, relax. We get it. You love Christmas." Brian said as he entered the living room and sat down on the couch next to Sean.
"Wait a minute. What are you doing here?" Sean asked.
"We're supposed to be doing a co-review of today's movie. That's on the schedule." Brian said.
"It is?" Sean asked.
"Uh, yeah." Brian said.
"Let me check." Sean said, picking up his tablet to check the schedule. He began to notice that he has a movie to review with Brian. "Oh. Right. Yeah, I have my friend Brian here to review today's movie with me. Well, can I finish my Christmas freakout?"
"No." Brian said as Sean rolled his eyes at him.
"So, Christmas is in 21 days. It comes once a year and Christmas specials come on several time and Christmas in July. Who came up with that idea? I'd figure that I talk about a movie filled with warm, Christmasy feelings." Sean said.
(A clip from Gremlins is shown. We see Stripe trying to kill Billy with a chainsaw, then we get a montage of Gremlins wrecking havoc in Kingston Falls)
"Or a movie scaring the shit out of your children during Christmas." Sean said.
"This is Gremlins." Brian said.
(The title screen for the movie "Gremlins" is shown, followed by clips from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 8th, 1984, Gremlins is one of those classic movies from our childhood that made such an impact… well, we're still talking about it today.
Brian: (Narrating) The film is about these creepy creatures known as Gremlins. Specifically, Mogwais. They're furry, adorable little creatures but there are three rules that you have to follow in taking care of a Mogwai or things will take a dark turn for the worse.
Sean: (Narrating) This horror-comedy was produced by Steven Spielberg and it was written by Chris Columbus. Yes, the same Chris Columbus who wrote the screenplays for TheGoonies and Young Sherlock Holmes and he also directed two of the Home Alone movies, two of the Harry Potter films, Adventures in Babysitting and Mrs. Doubtfire. And the film was directed by Joe Dante, another one of my favorite directors, who's known for directing such classics as Piranha, TheHowling, Explorers, Innerspace, The 'Burbs, Matinee, Small Soldiers and Looney Tunes: Back in Action.
Brian: (Narrating) He also directed the third segment in Twilight Zone: The Movie.
(The poster for Twilight Zone: The Movie pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, you're probably wondering why am we reviewing this movie if these creatures have anything to do with Christmas, which they don't. Hey, if I can review Die Hard last year, then I can review this movie.
"Well, let's see what kind of holiday cheer Spielberg, Columbus and Dante whipped out for us, this is Gremlins." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We open in a mysterious, shady marketplace in Chinatown, where we see Randall Peltzer, our narrator for the movie, played by the late Hoyt Axton, enters an antique shop while he looks for the greatest Christmas gift for his son.
Randall Peltzer (Played by the late Hoyt Axton): The Bathroom Buddy. It's the invention of the century, friends. It eliminates the need to carry heavy luggage and things when you travel. You got your shaving mirror, you got yourself a toothbrush, you got yourself a toothpick, you got your toenail clippers, you got a nail file and you got yourself a dental mirror. This is going to revolutionize traveling.
"Hmm, I've think I've seen something like that on TruTV's World's Smartest Inventions. They showed Gibert Gottfried trying to shave with it." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) The store's owner, Mr. Wing played by the late Keye Luke, isn't impressed by Rand's invention. But don't worry, there's something else in here that interests Randall.
(Randall encounters a small, furry creature in a box)
Randall Peltzer: What is that?
Chinese Boy (Played by John Louie): Mogwai.
(The mogwai sings)
"Fun fact: in Cantonese, mogwai means "devil". Wait, what?" Brian asked with a confused look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Randall is interested in buying this mogwai. But Mr. Wing says no. So, Randall offers him $200 for it and here's his answer.
Mr. Wing (Played by the late Keye Luke): I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale.
"You don't need mogwai. We have a magical monkey's paw that grants you wishes. Or we have a killer Krusty the Clown doll your son. Mind you, the doll's Good/Evil switch is set to "Evil"." Sean said, imitating Mr. Wing.
Brian: (Narrating) But Mr. Wing's grandson, played by John Louie, decides screw it we need the money anyway. So, he meets Rand outside and sells him the Mogwai secretly. And then, he reminds him the three rules in taking care of a Mogwai.
Chinese Boy: First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it'll kill him. Second, don't give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.
Question: after midnight, is it okay to feed them again? What about up at the North Pole where the sun doesn't shine? Is it an all-you-can-eat eating binge for them?" Sean asked.
"Dude, they talk about it in the sequel." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that dark and ominous opening, we get the opening credits where we open on the small town of Kingston Falls and holy shit this town filled with Christmas spirit. And this opening shows it by playing this Christmas song.
(Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) plays throughout the opening credits)
Brian: (Narrating) We're introduced to Randall's son, Billy played by Zach Galligan, his dog Barney played by Mushroom and his neighbor Murray Futterman, played by Dick Miller.
Murray Futterman (Played by Dick Miller): Goddamn foreign cars, they always freeze up on you. You don't find American machinery doing that. Our stuff can take anything.
"You'll probably likely remember Dick Miller as the voice of Chuckie Sol in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and Boxcar "Boxy" Bennett in two Harley Quinn-centric episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. The two episodes are Harlequinade and Harley's Holiday. Also, you'll see Dick Miller in every movie directed by Joe Dante. I can name those movies. I have a list." Sean said as the audience groans in agony. "Fine, maybe I won't name them. Assholes."
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Billy works at the bank, along with his co-worker/love interest Kate Beringer, played by Phoebe Cates.
Kate Beringer (Played by Phoebe Cates): Will you sign this petition?
Billy Peltzer (Played by Zach Galligan): Sure. What's it for?
Kate Beringer: To declare Dorry's Pub a landmark. Mrs. Deagle 's trying to take his lease away.
Billy Peltzer: His too, huh?
Kate Beringer: Yeah, she says it's a dive, a public nuisance.
"Here's a little fun fact, you'll probably recognize Phoebe Cates from the 1982 teen comedy Fast Times at Ridgemont High from her famous pool scene." Brian said.
(A clip from Fast Times At Ridgemont High is shown)
Linda Barrett (Played by Phoebe Cates): Hi, Brad. You know how cute I always thought you were.
"And for those of you who wanted to see Phoebe Cates naked in this film. Then forget it. This is a PG-rated film and that's not gonna happen." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) With all of our happy characters out of the way, we're introduced to an evil money grubber named Mrs. Deagle, played by Polly Holliday from the sitcom Alice and its spin-off Flo.
Mrs. Deagle (Played by Polly Holliday): The bank and I have the same purpose in life: to make money, not to support a lot of deadbeats.
Mrs. Harris (Played by Brenda Balaski): Mrs. Deagle, its Christmas!
Mrs. Deagle: Well, now you know what to ask Santa for, don't you?
"Geez, what a heartless bitch." Brian said.
"And this is the same woman who put out an APB on Santa Claus." Sean said, referencing a Christmas episode of Alice.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from her acting like Ebenezer Scrooge to the people of Kingston Falls, we see that she has a personal beef with Billy's dog Barney because he destroyed her beloved lawn ornament. And she unleashes her inner Cruella De Ville.
Mrs. Deagle: Give him to me. I'll take him to the kennel. They'll put him to sleep. It will be quick and painless, compared to what I could do to him.
Billy Peltzer: What could you do?
(A clip from the 1961 animated version of 101 Dalmatians is shown)
Cruella De Ville (Voiced by the late Betty Lou Gerson): Poison them. Drown them. Both them in the head. You got any chloroform?/I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!
Mrs. Deagle: A slow, painful death. Maybe I'll put him in my spin dryer on high heat.
Mr. Anderson (Played by the late Harry Carey Jr.): That would do it all right.
Sean and Brian both spit out their egg nog in shock from hearing what Mrs. Deagle will do to Barney.
Brian: (Narrating) But Barney's not going to take any crap and pops out from behind the teller desk and tries to attack the old hag, yet Billy's boss Mr. Corben, played by the late Edward Andrew's, is not happy about Billy bringing his dog to work and Mrs. Deagle bad-mouths Billy's father.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see Billy showing his drawings to Chuck Jones in an awesome cameo, until the douchebag vice president of the bank named Gerald Hopkins, played by Judge Reinhold, drops by to tell Billy that he almost lost his job but Mr. Corben has second thoughts because he gets sentimental during the holidays.
Gerald Hopkins (Played by Judge Reinhold): Look, I'm a junior vice-president at 23. By the time I'm 25, I'm going to have Mr. Corben's job. By the time I'm 30, I'll be a millionaire. Look at you. You're practically supporting your whole family. The world's changing, Peltzer. You got to change with it. You got to be tough.
Billy Peltzer: Tough, huh? And no one's tougher than you, eh, Ger?
Gerald Hopkins: Don't call me that. My name's Gerald.
"You want me to be tough? How about I shove this weenie whistle that Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus got you and shove it up your ass? How's that for tough?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) But what's this? We see that Kate also works at Dorry's Pub on weeknights and Captain Douchebag tries to ask ever Hoyt and she's clearly not interested in him.
Gerald Hopkins: Hey Kate, you haven't seen my new apartment.
Kate Beringer: I haven't seen your old apartment.
Gerald Hopkins: Come on, we're talking cable. Can we have dinner tomorrow night?
Kate Beringer: I'm working.
"Dude, the reason why she's not interested in you is because she caught you jacking off to her in the bathroom." Sean said, referencing the movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High.
Sean: (Narrating) After an eventful day of work, Billy comes home to find his mother Lynn, played by Frances Lee McCain, cooking in the kitchen and watching It's a Wonderful Life while Billy plays around with one of his father's wacky inventions. But hey, his father came home and it's time for Randall to give his son that super special Christmas present.
(After Billy opens the box, we see a little furry creature pop out)
Billy Peltzer: You're kidding. Dad, it's really neat. Where did you get this?
Randall Peltzer: In some little junk store in Chinatown.
Billy Peltzer: Has it got a name, Dad?
Sean: (V/O as Randall): Devil.
Brian: (V/O as Billy) What?
Randall Peltzer: Yeah, Mogwai. I don't know, some Chinese word. I just call him Gizmo.
We then see Brian holding his pet Maine Coon cat named Gizmo and the cat starts meowing at him.
"No, not my cat Gizmo. He's talking about the other Gizmo." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) This adorable ball of fur is named Gizmo and he's voiced by Howie Mandel.
Sean: (Narrating) And then they break the first rule right when Lynn takes a photo of Billy and Gizmo by leaving the flash on, so Rand goes over the three rules with them and now Gizmo's the new family pet.
Brian: (Narrating) The next morning, Billy's friend Pete Fountaine played by Corey Feldman, shows up to deliver the Peltzer's their Christmas tree and Billy shows Pete Gizmo and the young lad completely messes it up when he spills a glass of water over Gizmo and this happens.
(Five more creatures soon emerge from out of Gizmo)
"Well, that's another rule broken." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It turns out that when you get a Mogwai wet, it starts spawning other Mogwai. These five other mogwai that were spawned from Gizmo's back are different than Gizmo. With Gizmo being the nice and adorable one, these guys are the troublemaking type.
Pete (Played by Corey Feldman): Hey, look. That one's got a cute, little stripe on it's head. Hey, cutie.
(Stripe tries to bite Pete's finger)
"Yikes! They're the more viscous type of Mogwai. You try to pet them and they get violent on your ass." Brian said.
"Originally in the script, Gizmo and Stripe were actually the same character, it's just that Spielberg thought it would be a really good idea to have one good Mogwai for the audience to enjoy from beginning to end." Sean pointed out.
Brian: (Narrating) After learning that getting a Mogwai wet causes it to multiply, Billy tells his dad about it and this is Randall's idea.
Randall Peltzer: I'll bet every kid in America would like to have one of these./Think about it, "The Peltzer Pet".
"How the hell are you going to do that? Are you just going to keep pouring water on the damn creature until it spawns out other Mogwai for you to sell them?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we get the mogwais first act of terror…. They tie the dog up with Christmas lights and leaving him out in the cold!
"Other than Gizmo, the others are just plain sadistic." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) But anyway, the next day Billy takes one of the Mogwais to his former teacher, Roy Hanson played by Glynn Turman.
Roy Hanson (Played by Glynn Turman): Um, can I keep one of these here, run some tests on him?
Billy Peltzer: Yeah. I think I can spare one.
"Yeah, I don't think that's a very bright idea." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before things get chaotic, we get a drunk Dick Miller blaming all of his mechanical problems on gremlins.
Murray Futterman: Gremlins… You got-you gotta watch out for them foreigners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery./It's the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.
Kate Beringer: (Laughs) The big one…
Murray Futterman: World War II./Y'know they're still shippin' them over here. They put 'em in cars, they put 'em in your TV. They put 'em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put 'em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!
"Gremlins, what a fairy tale." Brian said, imitating Bugs Bunny.
Brian: (Narrating) While Billy is walking Kate home, we learn something shocking, Kate doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Billy Peltzer: What's not to like?
Kate Beringer: God! Say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares. But say you hate Christmas, everybody makes you feel like a leper or something.
"Hey, hey, hey. I don't want to hear any shit from you about hating Thanksgiving. Just to let you know that it's an awesome holiday. Also, you better not let the Nostalgia Critic find out that you hate Christmas. You know how passionate he is about that holiday." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But her pure dismissal of the holiday and her lack of giddiness for it is okay for Billy because he's asked Kate out on a date. Maybe she can re-enact her famous pool scene for him. She thinks he's really cute. However, when Billy gets home, his little box of quintuplets of horrors are hungry.
Billy Peltzer: (Looks at the clock) Well, it's not 12:00 yet.
Sean gets ready to say something but doesn't. "Nevermind, looks like Decker Shado already made that joke when he reviewed Gremlins."
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Brian gives the Mogwais a big plate of chicken while the one at the school swipes a sandwich that Mr. Hanson left out and the next morning, we see that our cute, fuzzy little creatures are now cocoons.
Lynn Peltzer (Played by Frances Lee McCain): Did you feed them after midnight?
Billy Peltzer: Well, I gave them some chicken, but I made sure that it… No, no, no, no, wait a minute. I made sure.
(Billy checks his clock, only to find the power cord chewed.)
Billy Peltzer: Mom, what's going on here?
"They fooled you. That's what's going on." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the Mogwai in Billy's house turning into cocoons, we see that the Mogwai in Mr. Hanson's classroom cocooned as well.
Pete: So what did you say this was called? A putrid stage?
Roy Hanson: Pupal. Pupal stage.
Pete: Like a butterfly.
Roy Hanson: Yeah, right. Right. This is a cocoon, and inside he's going through changes, lots of changes.
Pete: Like my mother.
Roy Hanson: No. No, that's different. This is called a "metamorphosis", a change in form and in appearance.
"So, they mutate." Brian said.
"Yeah, kinda like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Before the horror starts, Mrs. Deagle returns and she starts asking Billy about his dog.
Mrs. Deagle: Where's that psychotic canine of yours, still hiding under the counter?
Billy Peltzer: Uh, no. I'm afraid he's on vacation.
Mrs. Deagle: You better keep him behind locked doors, because if I catch him, he's in for slow death!
"Jesus, lady! Lighten the fuck up. You're lucky that Cujo didn't bite your ass off." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at Billy's house, we see that the cocoons begin to hatch, as well as the cocoon in Mr. Hanson's classroom. Of course, he doesn't know well enough to pay attention to the damn thing, let alone keep it secure in a cardboard box. And we do forget that this is still a horror film.
Roy Hanson: (Tries to feed the creature a Snickers bar) Come on out. Take a bite. Let me see you. I just want to see you. Here. You try some of this now. I know you've got to be hungry.
"Dude, it just mutated into something and now you want to give it chocolate. Are you stupid?" Sean asked.
Roy Hanson: There now, don't you feel better?
(The creature bites Hanson's hand as Hanson screams in pain)
"Well, there goes the only black guy in town. Always happens in every movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy arrives after responding to Mr. Hanson's call, he enters the classroom, only to find Mr. Hanson dead. Billy tries to call for help but ends up getting his hand scratched by the mutated Mogwai. Well, they got to show them off sooner rather than later.
(The mutated creature pops out of the medicine cabinet and starts throwing stuff at Billy)
"Hey, I bet that was a… Say, do you think that… Hey, could that have been a gremlin?" Brian asked, imitating Bugs Bunny.
"It ain't Wendell Wilkie." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Billy tries to warn his mother about the Gremlins and to get out of the house, but it's too late as they cut the phone line and Lynn is alone in the house with a bunch of pesky creatures as she sees one of them eating her Christmas cookies. Armed with a knife and other useful kitchen machinery to murder the fuck out of them, they should learn that they should never mess with a mother and her kitchen.
(We see Lynn killing one of the Gremlins with a blender. We then see another Gremlin throwing plates at Lynn while she's shielding herself with a TV tray)
Lynn Peltzer: Get out of my kitchen!
(The Gremlin screams right before Lynn stabs it with her knife. A third Gremlin throws a baking pan at Lynn, Lynn picks up a can of flea and tick killer and sprays the Gremlin in the face with it, then puts it in the microwave, turning it on until the creature explodes)
"Never get between a chef and her kitchen." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) With only two left stalking Lynn, one of them attack her by hiding in a Christmas tree and ambushing her. But never fear, Billy is here and he takes out the Gremlin by cutting it's head off with a handy dandy wall sword. And now, only one Gremlin left and it's Stripe. But before he goes after Stripe, Billy has to pick up Gizmo and bring him with him because, well come on, Gizmo is too cute! They track Stripe at a YMCA and a big indoor swimming pool. And you know what that means.
(Stripes jumps in the swimming pool, spawning an army of gremlins)
"Run for the hills, folks! Or you'll be up to your armpits in gremlins!" Sean yelled out.
Brian: (Narrating) Billy heads down to the police station to warn Sheriff Frank, played by the late Scott Brady, and his partner Deputy Brent, played by Jonathan Banks from Batman: Arkham Knight, about gremlins wrecking havoc around town but they don't believe him.
Sheriff Frank (Played by the late Scott Brady): Tell me something. Listen. Where do these little, uh "gremlins" come from, huh?
"You know something, these two cops are the most incompetent cops I've ever seen in my life." Brian said.
"Agreed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With an army of gremlins unleashed throughout the quiet little town of Kingston Falls, they stop off at the Futtermans' house just to mess with Murray Futterman.
(The television starts acting up as Murray tries to fix the television, he gets a channel. Instead of a French dub of It's a Wonderful Life, we see a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm)
Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Chuckie Sol.
Chuckie Sol (Voiced by Dick Miller): Batman! How'd you get here?
(Chuckie Sol shoots at the Phantasm)
Murray Futterman: Foreigners.
(Murray changes the channel but gets static)
Murray Futterman: I can't get a damn thing on this.
"Should've gotten cable, dude." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Murray heads outside to check on the antenna on the roof of his house, only to find out that it's damaged, then he finds something in his garage, revealing to be gremlins in his truck and they're going to make him meet his angel of death.
Murray Futterman: It's them!
Sheila Futterman (Played by Jackie Joseph): Murray, you're crazy!
Murray Futterman: There's a gremlin here! There's a real gremlin in my cab! (Screams)
"This time I got you, 'ya lousy stinkin'…" Sean said, imitating a gremlin driving Mr. Futterman's truck.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, all hell breaks loose around the town of Kingston Falls as we see the gremlins wreaking havoc by hiding in mailboxes and terrorizing people trying to send some mail and playing some of UbiSoft's Watch Dogs by playing around with the street lights and making cars crash into each other.
Brian: (Narrating) Next, the pesky little gremlins stop off at Mrs. Deagle's to make her meet her angel of death and then we get this satisfying death scene.
(Mrs. Deagle gets launched out of her house on a stair lift that has been sabotaged by the gremlins. Afterwards, Sheriff Frank and Deputy Brent spot Mrs. Deagle's corpse)
Sheriff Frank: My God, Frye! That was Mrs. Deagle.
"Hey, Mrs. Deagle. Kiss my grits! Boom! Yeah! An Alice reference in 2018 for the win!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Randall is trying to get home but he keeps getting sidetracked by selling everything he has to everyone he comes across, like selling his Smokeless Ashtray. While all that is going on, the gremlins and Stripe included are at Dorry's Tavern, where Kate is serving her rude, loud and destructive green customers.
(We see some of the gremlins drinking beer and getting drunk. One of the gremlins start flashing Kate)
"Man, these gremlins sure do know how to party." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) With all of the gremlins partying and getting drunk and jamming to Michael Sembello's Gremlins (Mega Madness), Kate tries to light a cigarette for one of the gremlins and after finding out that they don't like bright lights, she starts flashes them with a camera and tries to make her escape until Billy arrives.
Sean: (Narrating) Thus, Billy, Kate and Gizmo run for their lives and hide into the bank. Then we learn the dark truth on why Kate doesn't like Christmas.
"I mean, come on. How bad could it be for her not to like Christmas?" Sean asked. "Is it because she had a bad gift or something?"
Kate Beringer: I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search.
"Ma…maybe her father ran off with another woman?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face.
Kate Beringer: The house was freezing , so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top.. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father.
"Pardon?" Sean asked.
Kate Beringer: He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us.
"Well, maybe her father survived this whole ordeal. He should learn not to climb down chimneys." Sean said.
Kate Beringer: He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
"Jesus Christ, movie!" Brian exclaimed.
"That turned out dark, I mean too dark! The reason why Kate hates Christmas because her father died while he was dressed as Santa and climbing down the chimney. I thought this was supposed to be a happy movie. Holiday cheer, my ass!" Sean exclaimed. "Have a very Merry Christmas from Steven Spielberg, Chris Columbus and Joe Dante."
"It's nuts, it's funny and it's also sad. Help." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) So after that dark kick in the nuts to your childhood, Billy and Kate head out, only to find that the whole town is silent but there's no sign of any gremlins. Well, that's because the gremlins are sitting in a movie theater watching a certain classic Disney film.
(The gremlins are sitting in the movie theater watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and singing)
"They're watching Snow White? What's so Christmasy about that?" Sean asked. "Try showing the gremlins The Black Cauldron, let's see how they like that movie."
Sean: (Narrating) While the gremlins are into the movie, Billy and Kate sneak into the boiler room to come up with a plan to take out the gremlins while Stripe is at a snack bar looking for some candy and he ends up going to the candy store across the street. While all that is going on, Billy turns on the gas and lights up the rag and then they end up getting caught by the gremlins and start running for their lives and they duck for cover, blowing the disgusting creatures sky-fucking-high!
(The movie theater explodes, killing the gremlins)
"Well, this movie has the highest gremlin killcount." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After killing the gremlins in the movie theater, there's only one left…. Stripe. Who's hiding in a department store with his candy. So, it's climax time as Billy goes after Stripe but not before he gives Kate a kiss before he ends up rat bait for the leader of the gremlins.
Sean: (Narrating) While looking for Stripe, Billy is armed with a baseball bat and Stripe proceeds to mess with him for a bit. And Stripe tries to kill Billy with saw blades and throwing balls and other items at him, then he goes Tyrion Lannister on his ass with a crossbow shooting him in the arm with it and he tries to kill him with….
(Stripe appears with a chainsaw)
"Okay, who's bright idea was to give Stripe a chainsaw?" Sean asked. "In a department store? And that should easily cut through that wooden bat and cut the son of a bitch in half."
Brian: (Narrating) But where's Gizmo in all of this? Well, Gizmo hopped out of the bag and starts driving in a toy car to help Billy while Kate flips the switches on to turn on all of the lights, but the thing is, it's not over yet. Stripe finds himself a fountain and a snub-nosed .38 and starts shooting at Billy while trying to soak himself in it to spawn more gremlins.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Gizmo's there to save the day as he pulls the curtains to reveal sunlight onto Stripe, giving him a yet gruesome death.
"Well, it's over. It's finally over. There's no way that there will be any more gremlins appearing." Sean said.
(Stripe's skeletal corpse pops out from out of the fountain)
"Holy shit!" Brian yelled out as he pulls out a pump action shotgun.
"The fucker's still alive!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out an MP5 submachine gun.
(Stripe melts into a puddle and dies)
"Okay, false alarm. He's dead. Let's put our guns away." Sean said as Brian sighs in relief while they put their guns away.
Brian: (Narrating) With all of the gremlins and Stripe defeated, everybody has a happy ending and everything is back to normal. Except for one little problem. Mr. Wing shows up at the Peltzer's house and he's here to take Gizmo and he's not too happy about what has happened and the sale that has happened.
Mr. Wing: You teach him to watch television? Aiya.
"Well, he wanted to watch Game of Thrones on HBO. He just wanted to see some tits." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Wing is still upset about the chaos and the sale that even happened in the first place and sadly, Gizmo has got to go. But not before Gizmo has something to say to Billy.
Gizmo (Voiced by Howie Mandel): Bye, Billy.
"Awe. I'm sorry, Gizmo's too cute!" Sean exclaimed.
Brian: (Narrating) Before Mr. Wing could go, Randall decides to make things right by giving him his smokeless ashtray.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Mr. Wing departs with Gizmo and Randall ends the movie with a little narration.
Randall Peltzer: (Narrating) So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, 'cause you never can tell there just might be a gremlin in your house.
"And that was Gremlins and my God, it's still hilarious as ever." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Brian: (Narrating) Aside from the movie being a bit dark and a bit violent for a PG movie, that movie and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom were both responsible for the existence of the PG-13 rating and despite all of it's reputation, I don't think it's that hardcore.
Sean: (Narrating) I watched this movie when I was 7 years old and it didn't scare me. Hell, I didn't think it was scary, I just thought it was hilarious and I would like to thank my Mom for introducing me to that movie and boy, did that movie earn a PG-rating. Hell, PG movies were hardcore back then. The movie is entertaining with a lot of hilarious gags from the gremlins and the movie focuses on both suspense and comedy like Arachnophobia.
Brian: (Narrating) The movie was a success and aside from that a few parents were upset for taking their children to go see that movie because it was not family friendly.
Sean: (Narrating) After the success of Gremlins, there were a few films in the '80's that inspired several unrelated films about small monsters. Films like Critters, Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, Troll and Munchies, which was directed by the film's editor Tina Hirsch. Anyway, if you want to show your kids that movie, just watch it with them, heck they might enjoy it. That's why I'm giving Gremlins 5 drunk gremlins out of 5.
"And that is all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm his friend, Brian." Brian said.
"Thank you all for joining us and remember: if your television acts up, if your laptop is on the fritz or your microwave is acting up. Turn on all of the lights, check under the beds and check the closets. 'Cause you can never can tell, there just might be a gremlin in your house." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – (Gremlins laughing)
And that is all for the review of Gremlins for The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed reading the new chapter. Sorry that it took me so long to post the new chapter, my old laptop started acting up last week and it wouldn't let me log on, which means my files were on there and I can't back up my files. So, I got an early Christmas present from my Mom and it's a new laptop with a touchscreen and I love it. So, now I can continue to work on my stories and this one. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the animated holiday disaster from Adam Sandler called Eight Crazy Nights with his friend Lucas. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.