The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to The Mayhem Critic. I've recently got 108 reviews for this story. Thank you all for reviewing this story and enjoying it, it means so much to me. Also, I've read a review from a fellow reader who wants me to continue The Blood of Family and that they really miss it so much and they want to know what happens next. Don't worry, after I'm finished with Sequelitis Month for this story, I'll take a little break from writing it and I'll continue working on The Blood of Family and Riverdale: TOL because I have to start the Betty/Veronica/Archie threesome chapter since it's on my old laptop. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic starts Sequelitis Month by taking a look at the sequel to the 1987 Sci-Fi action movie RoboCop 2 and see if it's better than the original or does it just suck. So here it is, the hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. RoboCop 2 is owned by Orion Pictures and MGM.
Sequelitis Month Part I: RoboCop 2
We see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always. But he was not his usual cheery, energetic self. He begins to sigh before looking at the camera to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said in a low, monotone voice and rolls his eyes. "And welcome to the first installment of Sequelitis Month."
(The title card of Sequelitis Month appears, where we see Sean giving a thumbs down, with an angered look on his face while somebody says "What time is it? It's sequel time!" in their impersonation of Finn the Human from the Adventure Time commercials and Sean saying "Yay" in a not-so ecstatic voice)
"Throughout the month of January, I will be taking a look at sequels to films that I've already looked at. I just hope that the first film that I will be reviewing today is better than the rest of the shitty sequels that I will be reviewing. Or else I'm in deep, deep, deep shit. The deepest shit." Sean said and sighs. "The first film that I will be taking a look at for Sequelitis Month is RoboCop 2."
(The title card for "RoboCop 2" is shown as well as clips from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 22, 1990, RoboCop 2 is the sequel to Paul Verhoeven's 1987 box-office hit RoboCop. But this one is not directed by Verhoeven himself, this time directorial duties have been given to the late Irvin Kershner, who you might recognize him as the director of the best Star Wars film ever The Empire Strikes Back and the 1983 James Bond movie, which is a remake of Thunderball called Never Say Never Again. This one is the final film that he directed. The story was written by Frank Miller. That's right, Frank Miller. The man who brought us Batman: Year One, The Dark Knight Returns, 300 and Sin City. And the screenplay was written by Miller and Law & Order veteran Walon Green. With the first one being a dark, gritty Sci-Fi action thriller, this one took more of a comic book approach.
"And to promote the movie, RoboCop made a guest appearance on WCW when he rescued Sting from the Four Horseman. WCW Capital Combat. Look it up. Rest in peace "Mean" Gene Okerlund." Sean said.
(More clips from "RoboCop 2" are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) As much as we love the original we ask ourselves this question: "Is RoboCop 2 better than RoboCop or is it a cheap rehash of the first film or just an unnecessary sequel?"
"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's take a look at RoboCop 2 and find out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after we get our Orion Pictures logo, we open up on some guy in a parking garage trying to steal a car.
(The thief attempts to steal a car. After he gets in the car, the alarm sound is heard as a metal belt straps him in and he gets electrocuted)
Magnavolt Salesman (Played by John Glover): Magnavolt. The final word in auto-security. No embarrassing alarm noise, no need to trouble the police. (He opens the car door and the electrocuted crook falls out before he gets in and starts it up) And it won't even run down your battery.
(The salesman drives away as the name of the product "Magnavolt" is shown)
Announcer: Magnavolt. Lethal response.
"Okay, as silly theses commercials were in the first film, this one was pretty awesome. I want one of those cars." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our first commercial for the movie, we cut to MediaBreak hosted by Casey Wong and Jess Perkins, once again played by Mario Machado and Leeza Gibbons, followed by a small cameo from ED-209. We also learn that there's a new drug going around called Nuke, a deadly designer drug that's highly-addictive. It's so addictive that some guy assassinates Edward Quartermaine from General Hospital on live television while he was talking about the stuff.
Surgeon General (Played by the late John Ingle): The greatest health threat facing our nation. Nuke. The most addictive narcotic in history. A plague that…
(An assassin guns down the Surgeon General as a security team apprehend him)
Assassin: Nuke! Nuke!
"Damn. You know what they say, Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said, imitating Rick James from Chappelle's Show.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the new villain of the film, the Nuke kingpin named Cain, a power-hungry gang leader with a messiah complex who leads this Nuke cult, played by Tom Noonan the original Francis Dollarhyde from Manhunter and The Ripper from Last Action Hero.
Cain (Played by Tom Noonan): The people want paradise. And they will have it.
"Oh, Christ. It's this movie's version of Jim Jones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After our news report, we see Detroit without a police force since the Detroit Police Department are on strike due to OCP being a bunch of assholes. Crime is running rampant, an old lady gets robbed by some guy, the same guy gets the shit kicked out of him and robbed by some hooker and some guys blow up a gun store and starts robbing it.
"See? I told you and Mike Trainor was right. Detroit doesn't take a break from being Detroit, it's Detroit every day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the robbers steal some guns and they shoot the owner and hell they even pick up some rocket launchers, when…
Gun Store Robber: I don't believe this!
Chet (Played by Tommy Rosales): What?
Gun Store Robber: It's the cops, man.
Chet: Cops are on strike, stupid.
Robber #1: Can't you hear that?
(They hear the police siren and check it out as they see a police cruiser headed their way)
"Oh, you're in trouble now. At least there's one cop who's not out on strike and they're willing to bust some crooks…." Sean said.
(One of the robbers, Chet, fires an ATGM Launcher at the police cruiser. He laughs after the rocket hits the car)
Chet: Fucking cops!
(Chet, who's now armed with an M136 AT4 rocket launcher, fires at the police cruiser. Then him and the other robbers shoot at the car with machine guns, riddling it with bullets until it explodes)
"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed with a stunned look on his face. "So much for the only police officer not on strike. Man, the Detroit Police Department sucks. Oh, wait!"
(As the robbers prepare to leave, RoboCop exits his destroyed vehicle, unscathed. One of the robbers look back and notice him. RoboCop pulls out his signature Auto-9 pistol as the robber shoots at him. RoboCop shoots and kills the robber. Chet and the other robber start shooting at RoboCop until Robo takes them both out, leaving only one of the robbers left)
RoboCop (Played by Peter Weller): Peace, officer.
(The gun store robber shoots at RoboCop)
RoboCop: Think it over, creep.
(RoboCop shoots the gun store robber in his shoulder, leaving him alive)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, these robbers didn't expect RoboCop to show up. RoboCop, played once again by Peter Weller, dispatches three of the gun store robbers, leaving only one left alive so he can interrogate him after finding a stash of Nuke in their car.
RoboCop: Where is it made?
Gun Store Robber: It's not mine, man. I told you! I'm clean!
(A clip from Marvel's Spider-Man is shown)
Silver Sable (Voiced by Nichole Elise): You have three seconds.
Spider-Man (Voiced by Yuri Lowenthal): Just put the guns down.
Silver Sable: One…
Spider-Man: We really gonna do this?
Silver Sable: Two…
Spider-Man: SIX! NINE! ELEVENTY-SEVEN!
Silver Sable: Three.
(RoboCop grabs the robber by his nose)
RoboCop: Where is it made?
Gun Store Robber: I don't know, man! All I know is where I get it!
Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop tracks down where they get their Nuke fix from and decides to drop in.
(RoboCop knocks on the door as one of the henchmen walk up to the door to see who's up front)
Sean: (V/O as henchman) Duh, yes?
(RoboCop punches through the door, hitting the henchman in the chest)
"Whoa! Guy must've thought that RoboCop was a girl scout or a Jehovah's Witness." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After locking two more henchmen in the fridge so they can chill out, RoboCop stumbles across a drug lab led by some important characters like this Elvis Presley-looking guy named Catzo played by Michael Medeiros, Cain's ho, I mean girlfriend Angie played by Galyn Gorg and Cain happens to be there.
"Well, this is going to be a short movie. Time to arrest this guy, Robo." Sean said.
RoboCop: Freeze. Nobody move. This is a bust.
(Two henchmen show up and start shooting at RoboCop as Cain makes his escape while Robo engages in a shootout with his henchmen)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, are these guys a bunch of idiots? After a full year of RoboCop being on the streets, the thugs still don't know that his chassis is impenetrable to their bullets. Have they ever tried aiming for the mouth?
(We cut back to some of the thugs shooting at RoboCop)
"Aim at the mouth. Aim at the mouth. Aim for the fucking mouth!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Cain makes his escape and kills some woman in his limo. Then, Robo's partner Lewis, once again played by Nancy Allen, arrives and takes out two more thugs. While RoboCop is busy looking for some more criminals to bust, he comes across…
(He sees a boy named Hob, who's armed with a Desert Eagle, but doesn't shoot him)
Sean: (Sighs) This kid.
Hob (Played by Gabriel Damon): Can't shoot a kid, can you, fucker?
(Hob shoots RoboCop in the head, screwing up his systems for a bit)
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, this 13-year-old little punk is named Hob, played by Gabriel Damon. And yes, Hob is part of the Nuke Cult.
"For those of you who grew up watching The Land Before Time, Gabriel Damon played the voice of Littlefoot. So much for my childhood." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) So, a bullet to a .50 caliber round screws up his systems, causing him to a have a flashback to playing baseball with his son Jimmy. But then Robo snaps out of it when there's some idiot holding a crying baby at gunpoint with an MP5K.
Gunman: (While holding the baby hostage) I'll blow it's fucking head off, man!
"Criminals are so dumb." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, there's no way that RoboCop is going to let that guy get away that easy.
Gunman: I'll kill it, man, I'll do it. I'll fucking kill it!
RoboCop: We can't have that.
(RoboCop fires his Auto-9 pistol at the freezer door, the bullet bounces off of the door and hits the gunman in the head as Lewis grabs the baby in time)
(A clip from the 2003 film adaptation of Daredevil is shown)
Bullseye (Played by Colin Farrell): Bullseye.
Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): Nice shooting.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that crime hasn't hit the suburbs as RoboCop decide to check in on his former family and has some flashbacks about getting intimate with his wife Ellen, once again played by Angie Bolling. So, after stalking his ex-wife, Murphy gets his ass chewed out by OCP and this asshat lawyer from OCP named Holzgang, played by Jeff McCarthy a.k.a. David Geddes from Red Dead Redemption II.
Holzgang (Played by Jeff McCarthy): You have any idea what you're doing to that poor woman? Take a look at her file. Go on.
Delaney (Played by Ken Lerner): Officer, Mrs. Murphy is bringing suit against OCP. I'm Tom Delaney. I'm representing her.
"Oh, hi Geoff Schwartz's daddy. Good to see you in a RoboCop movie." Sean said, waving to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, that Sam Lerner's father and acting coach Ken Lerner from ABC's The Goldbergs playing the lawyer Tom Delaney and I'll keep my Lou Schwartz jokes to a minimum.
Delaney: Up to a few months ago, she wouldn't leave her bedroom. Then there were the therapists, the hypnotists and harmonic treatments.
Holzgang: And then you pull this shit! Driving past her house day after day.
"Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy. He's trying to make sure that his family are safe. What do you want him to do? Don't be a dickhead." Sean said.
"Ugh, lawyers. Not always good." Brian said as he shows footage of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
Holzgang: Are you Alex Murphy?
RoboCop: No.
Holzgang: Are you human?
RoboCop: No.
Holzgang: You are simply a machine.
RoboCop: I am… a machine.
Holzgang: Nothing more.
RoboCop: Nothing more.
"Uh, you idiots do know that he has a brain that you put in there. He's capable to make conscious decisions. So yes, human at the core." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. OCP brainwash him to make him think that he's a machine and they send in his ex-wife so she can see him.
Ellen Murphy (Played by Angie Bolling): Alex? Don't you know me? Don't you remember me? Alex, it doesn't matter what they've done to you…
RoboCop: Touch me.
(Ellen touches his lip)
Ellen Murphy: It's cold.
RoboCop: They made this to honor him.
Sean: (Narrating) You know I would love to say this is one of those sad scenes, which it is, but it just goes nowhere and we don't see his wife again for the rest of the whole movie. So, yeah. This scene is entirely pointless. Anyway, time for another advert.
(Another commercial starts)
Yuppie (Played by Martin Casella): I thought all communication systems were the same. I tried to save the company a few bucks. It took two days to download specs from Cleveland. I lost the account.
(The yuppie businessman pulls out a Walther PP and points it to his temple. We cut to a shot of a photo of a toddler and we hear a gunshot, indicating that the man killed himself. Then we see it's a commercial for OCP Communications. The commercial ends with the title "OCP Communications. The Only Choice")
We then cut to Sean, who's just sitting there with a horrified look on his face. "What the fuck, movie? That was pretty dark! That's 13 Reasons Why-dark. Why would they show us a commercial showing the guy who ripped his face off in Poltergeist being a total wreck and end it with him blowing his fucking brains out while showing us a photo of a toddler. That's pretty fucked up!"
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Omni Consumer Products, where we're introduced to another character of the film Mayor Kuzak played by Harpo Johnson himself Willard Pugh, who I swear is cross between a preacher at a black church and Chris Tucker. We see Mayor Kuzak and his assistant Poulos played by the late Phil Rubinstein are having a meeting with The Old Man, once again played by Dan O'Herlihy, and Donald Johnson once again played by Felton Perry. We see that The Old Man went from being a well-meaning businessman to evil rich old bastard as he informs Mayor Kuzak that according to the contract that he signed with OCP, Detroit defaults on it's debt and the whole city becomes just another part of OCP's private business.
The Old Man (Played by Dan O'Herlihy): We're taking Detroit privately.
Mayor Kuzak (Played by Willard Pugh): You want Detroit to tear itself apart so you can raid it like you would any corporation! Do you know how many people are dying out there? You're murderers.
"Wow, so The Old Man is like Donald Trump." Sean said.
Mayor Kuzak: One last thing gentlemen, we will sue your asses.
The Old Man: Give it your best shot.
Mayor Kuzak: (Yells) Fuck you! You senile old bastard! This is bullshit! Fuck you!
"This is bullshit, man! You can't do this to people! Lee! Craig! Big Worm and Carmine Falcone are after me, man! And you know this, man!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Chris Tucker.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I'm very confused in this sudden change of character. I know that OCP is staffed by criminals. The Old Man was a well-meaning businessman. Now, he's turned into Mr. Burns and Johnson is Mr. Smithers.
"One reason sequels suck, sudden character changes." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, what to do about the crime on the streets? Well, Johnson mentions the new face around here is named Dr. Juliette Faxx played by Belinda Bauer, who's planning to help out with the RoboCop 2 program, which seems to be having some trouble.
RoboCop 2 Test Subject #1: You are under arrest. Stop or I'll shoot.
(The first test subject shoots one scientist, a female scientist. Then, shoots the other scientist, a male scientist, in the arm as Johnson ducks for cover until the test subject shoots himself in the head, causing the police sirens on his shoulders to go off.)
Johnson (Played by Felton Perry): (On the video) OCP is proud to present the future of urban pacification: RoboCop 2.
(The second RoboCop 2 test subject is revealed, then he removes his helmet to reveal a screaming skull)
The Old Man: Ninety million.
"Ninety million for that project?! No wonder Detroit is bankrupt!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) That's what kind of problems that the RoboCop 2 program due to every case other than Murphy's has led to insane robots with suicidal tendencies. Dr. Faxx here thinks that just the thing, Murphy was not just a cop, he has a strong psychological profile.
Dr. Juliette Faxx (Played by Belinda Bauer): I believe that Murphy's case was unusual but not unique. We can find someone else, someone to whom the prospect might even be desirable.
Johnson: (To the Old Man) I never met anyone who wanted to be a robot.
"Dude, have you ever been to the Cincinnati Comic Expo at Duke Convention Center?" Sean asked. "And where would they find a cop like Murphy? They can't be insane or have suicidal tendencies. I mean, Murphy was violently gunned down by Red Foreman and his crew before he became RoboCop. Who would they pick? Maybe that guy?"
Sean turns and points to his left to introduce the next character of the film.
Sean: (Narrating) Maybe this clumsy oaf named Officer Duffy, played by the late Stephen Lee. Sure, he can be clumsy but he seems like a good cop….
(Duffy injects some Nuke into his neck)
"Orrrrrrrrrr he's addicted to that sweet, sweet Nuke. Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, nobody's perfect. Unless you're RoboCop, who's tracked down the little drug-dealing bastard Hob along with Lewis. Seems as though the little punk is there at a game room filled with arcade games from Data East and he's handing out Nuke left and right to teens and then they spot Hob talking to someone.
Hob: Better have something to give me this time, officer.
Duffy (Played by the late Stephen Lee): One cop per car. Okay, these are the routes. Three cars.
Sean gasps in shock. "It turns out that the cop who we were introduced to who happens to be a bad guy just so happens to be a bad guy. Oh, my God. Subtle, movie. Real subtle."
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's time to break up the party as Robo creates a distraction.
RoboCop: (To the teenagers) Isn't this a school day?
(The teens start throwing food at RoboCop as Hob and Gilette, played by George Cheung make their escape until Lewis catches them)
Lewis: Turn around. Put your hands up.
(As Lewis is about to arrest Hob and Gilette, Hob pulls out a DEB M21 submachine gun. Lewis kicks the gun up, causing Hob to fire up in the air. The teens start hearing gunfire as they flee the scene screaming)
"Wow, I never thought that a kid so Disney Channel clean would be packing heat. Punk-ass little bastard. I mean, seriously. How can I take this kid being a drug kingpin seriously? Come on, movie. You're killin' me here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Hob tries to kill Lewis with a fiber wire but she manages to get him off of her. While all that is going down, Duffy tries to make a run for it but gets caught by RoboCop and Robo does what he do best, beat the living shit out of him until he gives him an answer. And he does it by throwing him into and slamming his face into arcade games from Data East.
"You know what's funny? We see a couple of games from Data East like Midnight Resistance, Sly Spy and Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja. They're the ones that brought us that shitty RoboCop video game back in 1988." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after beating the shit out of the crooked cop, Duffy finally gives him Cain's location.
Duffy: River Rouge. The old sludge plant.
(RoboCop grabs Duffy by his hair)
RoboCop: You're a rotten cop.
(RoboCop then throws Duffy)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, RoboCop heads down to the old sludge plant by himself. Without any backup. Like that's going to end well. As he arrives, he uses his police cruiser as a distraction until it hits a land mine. Then, Robo investigates Cain's hideout when this happens.
(Some of Cain's thugs start shooting at RoboCop)
"Really? You just wasted some perfectly good ammo on him, you fucking morons." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) During his investigation, RoboCop comes across a photo of Mother Teresa, a photo of Jesus, some Elvis memorabilia and Elvis' dead body. What kind of crazy cult is this? And then, he finally comes across the evil Cain, which will probably leave someone dead. Probably Cain.
Cain: You want me?
RoboCop: Dead or alive?
Cain: Then one of us must die.
RoboCop: Dead, then.
"Alright, Murphy. Kill him. You can end him right away so this movie could end." Sean said.
(Hob fires a Browning M2 Aircraft machine gun fitted with Crew Served Weapon sight to shoot off RoboCop's gun hand)
"Dude!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.
(Angie fires an EMP harpoon at RoboCop)
"Where the hell did she get that?" Sean asked.
Cain: Jesus had days like this. Hounded and attacked like a criminal. But like him, I don't blame you. They program you, and you do it.
"Where the fuck are they getting military-grade weapons?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop shorts out Angie's EMP harpoon and tries to go after Cain, but then gets knocked down by a crane and picked up by a magnet and gets torn apart by Cain's men.
(We see some of Cain's men dismantling RoboCop with a jackhammer and a saw and a drill while Hob sprays oil on Robo's face)
Hob: How's it taste?
(RoboCop screams)
Sean: (Narrating) And they send him back to the Detroit Police Department in pieces.
Whittaker (Played by Roger Aaron Brown): Christ, he's been stripped.
"Oh, no. They destroyed RoboCop. And it gives them a chance to show off that amazing puppetry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. RoboCop is having a shitty day and OCP won't do anything to help by fixing him up because he needs millions of dollars in parts. And speaking of shitty days, remember Officer Duffy? Well, Cain does. And because of him ratting him out to RoboCop, he has to be dealt with, by playing some Surgeon Simulator.
Hack Doctor (Played by Gary Bullock): Maybe you ought to have the kid leave.
Cain: Why?
Duffy: What do you mean, "have the kid leave"? (Chuckles) That's a good touch. That's a good touch. "Have the kid leave." That's good. "Have the kid leave." Why?
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe to kill you, you stupid idiot!" Sean yelled at the camera.
(Cain has Duffy vivisected in front of Angie and Hob as Duffy screams in horror)
"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.
Angie (Played by Galyn Gorg): You said you were just gonna scare him!
Cain: (Taking pleasure in seeing the corrupt cop cut open) Doesn't he look scared?
(Cain then forces Hob to watch)
"Thanks a lot, movie! Now I'm going to have nightmares about that scene for the rest of my life!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at OCP, we see that Dr. Faxx has begun screening candidates for the RoboCop 2 program, criminals for the program to give them the virtual immortality they can offer. Which doesn't sit well for Dr. Schenk, played by John Doolittle.
Schenk (Played by John Doolittle): These are death row inmates!
Dr. Juliette Faxx: And of no use to society. Schenk, we need a subject who'll welcome the power, the virtual immortality we offer. Now, I really think this is a good place to start looking.
Schenk: You're out of your mind.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: Is that your professional opinion?
Schenk: Yes, goddamn it, it is! Yes! And you are not using my lab to put that kind of a brain into my cyborg.
"Okay, who's idea was to hire that bitch into this company. Who in their right mind would want to put the brain of a criminal inside a cyborg?" Sean asked
(A clip from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life is shown)
Fifth Fish (Played by Michael Palin): Beats me.
Sean: (Narrating) So after hearing about what Faxx is doing to the RoboCop 2 program, Johnson speaks to the Old Man, who's busy with his morning hot tub and tells him about the news.
Johnson: She's screening psychotics, sir. Murderers.
The Old Man: Well, we aren't planning to build a toy, Johnson. Faxx knows what she's doing.
"Dude, did you even hear a word that he said?" Sean asked.
Johnson: She's keeping RoboCop offline. It's a public-relations disaster.
The Old Man: You've got to learn to look at the larger picture. The foreclosure. You must know how important that is to us.
Johnson: Yes, sir….
The Old Man: With RoboCop out of commission, the chaos down there will increase and so will the odds of the city will fall into our hands.
"Besides, we've got to have money." Sean said, imitating the Old Man.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the police station, we see that RoboCop's condition has gone from bad to worse to holy shit he's about to die, when he suffers a system failure. Uh, any explanation to why he's having a system failure? Is he having a nightmare? Oh, fuck it. It's never explained or brought up again. Next, we see that Dr. Faxx is at a board meeting with the OCP Board of Directors and they start talking about RoboCop's set of directives and they figure it's time to update the program.
Board Member #1: We're getting a lot of heat from parent's groups. Personally, I don't blame them. I'm a parent myself.
Board Member #2: All that destructive behavior. He's become a role model for our children. Now, what are we teaching them?
"Fuck you, lady! The kids love RoboCop. There are toys, video games and a cartoon series that kids watch. I should know because I'm one of those kids." Sean said.
Board Member #3: If he just talked things out with people instead of firing that big gun of his.
(A clip from Dirty Harry is shown)
Harry Callahan (Played by Clint Eastwood): I didn't start shooting at anyone who didn't start shooting at me first.
Board Member #4: He could speak out on environmental issues.
"Uh, they already have a character for that and he's created by Ted Turner." Sean said, mentioning the animated series The Adventures of Captain Planet.
Board Member #5: For all the shooting he does, I've never once seen him take the time to do anything nice like visit an orphanage.
Johnson: You're absolutely right. Or help a cat out of a tree or go door to door collecting for the Red Cross or maybe even roasting some marshmallows with some Cub Scouts.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: Why, Mr. Johnson, that is wonderful. Thank you so much.
"Can I give you idiots three words? "Law Enforcement Unit"! Do any of you fucktards go outside? I guess this is what the board meeting was like when they decide to make RoboCop kid-friendly for the third film at Orion Pictures." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Down at the lab, Dr. Faxx tries to improve RoboCop by importing a new set of directives into his firmware.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: What is it you think you are?
RoboCop: Alex Murphy.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: That's a delusion. It's a glitch in your system. Alex Murphy is dead.
"Lady, if you're trying to convince him that he's just a machine and nothing more, machines aren't delusional! Sure, they tend to fuck up once and a while but they don't get delusional. Take a look at Michael Crichton's movie Runaway, it shows us that machines tend to get screwy and kill people. But they don't get delusional." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Dr. Faxx reprograms him, Robocop is repaired and back on duty and he's more chipper than ever.
Sgt. Reed (Played by the late Robert DoQui): How you feeling, Murphy?
RoboCop: I'm just fine, Warren. Thank you for asking.
"Oh, my God. What have they done to him?" Sean asked. "He's turned into a Saturday morning cartoon character."
Lewis: Ready for duty, partner?
RoboCop: You betcha.
Lewis: Let's go.
RoboCop: Nothing I'd rather do.
Estevez (Played by Wanda De Jesus): He sounds terrific.
RoboCop Technician: Something's wrong.
"And you're about to see what's wrong in what I could say, the most enjoyable part of the film." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a baseball little league team robbing an electronics store with their coach and as RoboCop and Lewis arrive, Robo doesn't do anything.
(RoboCop walks over to the baseball coach while Lewis hides behind cover and shoots at the armed coach)
Lewis: Murph!
RoboCop: I think we should talk.
(Lewis shoots the baseball coach in the head)
Lewis: What's with you, Murph?
Sean: (V/O) You're about to find out now.
RoboCop: (Starts reading the Miranda rights to the dead baseball coach) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Lewis: He's dead, Murphy.
RoboCop: You have the right to an attorney….
Lewis: You're reading Miranda to a corpse!
(RoboCop releases the dead man)
RoboCop: I'm having trouble.
"He'll be back to his old self in no time." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're about to arrest the little league robbers, RoboCop tries to talk to them like a Saturday morning cartoon mixed with inspiration bumper sticker quotes on the back of cars.
RoboCop: Though you may think you're having fun now, but you only hurt the one you love. Think of Mom and Dad. What kind of lesson are you teaching them? And now, a word on nutrition.
Little League Kid: Shit! He's fucked up!
RoboCop: Bad language makes for bad feelings.
"Well, pardon fucking me." Sean scoffed.
"Ugh, what did they turn him into?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The little league kids just run off and RoboCop does nothing to stop them and at this point Lewis is certain that OCP has done something to him, even if Robo swears that he's okay. And then they stumble across something more evil than little league robbers, kids wasting city water by playing with the water hydrant.
"Now why would RoboCop stop something so silly yet so fun? Well, maybe it's a good thing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And Robo tries to give them a motivational speech about wasting water.
RoboCop: Waste makes haste, for time is fleeting. A rolling stone is worth two in the bush.
Brat: Go fuck a refrigerator, pecker neck!
(The children laugh at RoboCop as RoboCop grabs the boy)
RoboCop: Bad language makes for bad feelings.
"Yeah, Peter Weller should know because one time he had a kid cursing at him.
(A clip from the 1984 film Firstborn is shown)
Brian Livingston (Played by the late Corey Haim): (To Sam) Eat shit, dick face! You're not my father!
(Brian runs to his room and closes the door behind him while Sam tries to go after him)
Sam (Played by Peter Weller): Come here, you little prick!
(RoboCop turns and sees a man smoking a cigarette)
RoboCop: Back!
(He pulls out his Auto-9 pistol and starts shooting at the man, making him drop his cigarette)
RoboCop: Thank you for not smoking.
"Why thank you for that Public Service Announcement, Murphy. What's next you're gonna do a fried chicken commercial for Korea? Yes, that actually happened. Look that up on YouTube." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We immediately find out that OCP has loaded RoboCop with over 300 new directives causing his odd behavior. After one of the technicians reveal that maybe they can be reversed if they could run a thousand bolts into him and in Robo's case, he heads outside to a power box and fries the ever-loving shit out of himself.
Stef (Played by Mark Rolston): Why the hell would he do that?
Lewis: OCP gave him crazy commands. Fried himself to get rid of them.
"I would've done the same too if someone gave me crazy commands." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, RoboCop survives after electrocuting himself and it somehow deletes all of his directives, including his original prime directives, allowing his human brain to be in complete control.
RoboCop: Are we cops?
Whittaker: What's bugging you, Murph?
RoboCop: Cain. Cain's bugging me.
"And you want to know what else is bugging, Murph?" Sean points to his right.
(A RoboCop drug PSA for The Boys & Girls Club is shown)
Lewis: What's bugging you, Murphy?
RoboCop: Drugs. Drugs bug me.
Peter Weller: Hi, that was Nancy Allen and me. I'm Peter Weller, the guy behind that mask. If you're a kid please listen for a second. How do you keep away from drugs? They're everywhere. Sometimes even at home. But there is one place you can go that is 100% drug-free. No pot, no pills, no crack, no smack, no coke, no exceptions. The Boys & Girls Club, it beats the streets. No kidding.
Sean: (Narrating) The Detroit police officers end the police strike as they join RoboCop and Lewis to bring that psychopath Cain to justice. Oh, yeah and we get a cameo by Frank Miller, who plays a Nuke drug technician. Anyway, RoboCop, Lewis and the picketing officers raid Cain's hideout and as they enter the hideout an unsuspecting sniper takes aim at Robo and…
(RoboCop spots the sniper and shoots him through the scope, hitting him in his eye)
"Bulls-eye!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get an impressive firefight between Cain's thugs and the Detroit PD and we also see some of Robo's impressive shooting skills.
(RoboCop starts shooting some of Cain's men without looking, hitting every single one of them)
"Alright, Murphy. We get it. You're a crack shot. No need to show off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that's going down, Hob and Angie make their escape as well as Cain, but not until RoboCop catches up with the guy. And it ends with the two of them in a tense game of Chicken, with RoboCop on a motorcycle and Cain in an armored truck.
(RoboCop drives into Cain and jumps through the windshield and severely wounds him, causing the truck to drive out of control. We then see five hundred million in cash coming out the back of the truck. We then cut to MediaBreak)
Jess Perkins (Played by Leeza Gibbons): Five hundred million in cash. Nuke money seized by police. But State Attorney Sphincter won't let the bankrupt city government touch it.
"Whoa, wait a minute. Did you just call them tight asses?" Sean asked.
Jess Perkins: State Attorney Sphincter…
"I clearly heard her say "Sphincter". She just called them tight asses." Sean said. "And now, a word from Alotta Fagina."
(A Sunblock 5000 commercial is shown)
Sunblock Woman (Played by Fabiana Undenio): They say 20 seconds in the California sunshine is too much these days ever since we lost the ozone layer. But that was before Sunblock 5000. Just apply a pint to your body and you're good for hours. See you by the pool.
Announcer: Sunblock 5000. Protection for the new age.
(A clip from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is shown)
Alotta Fagina (Played by Fabiana Undenio): How dare you break wind before me?
Austin Powers (Played by Mike Myers): I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was your turn. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Back at OCP, we see that Dr. Faxx has found the perfect candidate for the RoboCop 2 program and it is none other than Cain. What?!
"Is this lady out of her fucking mind? She just picked this guy, a drug kingpin who murders people and he's psychotic for the RoboCop 2 program and give him the chance of immortality. What were these idiots thinking giving her that job?!" Sean asked, yelling at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Hob and Angie are trying to bust Cain from the hospital but Hob says forget about Cain because he's taking over Cain's drug empire. Okay, this movie is getting stupid. How can I buy this kid being a drug kingpin. I'm not buying it. I just find it dumb, so just forget about that. Let's get back to Dr. Faxx. She's picked the perfect candidate for the RoboCop 2 program so she heads down to the hospital and offers Cain a chance for immortality.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: I'm afraid we lost our patient. Yeah, he just expired. Contact the organ harvest team. Make it fast, we've got six minutes before the brain's useless.
(Dr. Faxx hangs up the phone)
Dr. Juliette Faxx: Night.
(She shuts off Cain's life support systems)
"Okay, so she committed straight-up murder and gross corporate negligence. Boy, her rap sheet rapidly growing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And it gives the special effects team to be fairly gross with the operation and to please gore hounds.
(During the surgical procedure to remove Cain's brain, the Operation commercial jingle from circa 1990s starts playing throughout the whole scene)
Dr. Weltman: (After they remove Cain's brain) Excellent. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we see that they saved Cain's brain, along with his eyeballs.
"Only he has the brains to rule Detroit." Sean said, imitating Andross' real final form from Star Fox 64.
Sean: (Narrating) After that successful operation, we see that the Mayor is holding a telethon on live television to save…
(Sean sees a contortionist playing Born to Be Wild on the violin)
Sean: (Narrating) What the fuuuuuuuuuuuck?
"Okay, that is a weird telethon that I'm watching. And if I want to see someone do some contorting, I'd rather watch Madison Ivy and Mia Malkova put their legs behind their heads in some kinky sex." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Mayor Kuzak holds a fundraiser on television to help save Detroit until he is contacted by Hob and Angie and sets up a meeting with him to try to pay off the city's debt. And back at OCP, we see that Kuzak's assistant Poulos is an OCP mole.
The Old Man: If the city can pay, we'll be humiliated.
Johnson: I think it's worse than that, sir. We've shifted 80 percent of our liquid resources to the urban pacification plan. If we can't foreclose, public confidence in OCP will plummet, so will our stock.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: Sir? If I may? There's another option. We certainly have the surveillance capabilities to follow the mayor. It all depends on how far we're willing to go.
"You know in the last film, Dickhead Jones proved a point by murdering Bob Morton. Now, you're leading the deaths of people left and right. Couldn't you just say, let's kill the son of a bitch and get it over with?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And how does she intend to do it, you might ask. Well, we see that RoboCop 2 is just about ready and Cain's consciousness is represented by state-of-the-art early 1990s CGI. His brain powering the robot, however, has it downsides though as he is addicted to Nuke, so for him to have all the Nuke he'll ever need, Dr. Faxx sends RoboCop 2 on his first assignment. And that is to eliminate Mayor Kuzak and the rest of the Nuke Cult. Anyway, with Mayor Kuzak, we see that he's meeting with Hob, who's now taking over Cain's drug operation. He's willing to bail out the Mayor with 50 million dollars. But before he could give him the money, here comes Cain ready to break up the whole deal.
(RoboCain opens the door as Hob turns around and the Mayor and a couple of thugs spot him)
Hob: What the hell is that?
"That's my initial reaction after seeing a kid in a RoboCop movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, RoboCain starts eliminating every thug that he sees, including Poulos. While searching for the Mayor, Cain runs into Angie and he reveals himself to her.
Angie: Cain. Oh, wow. You look great.
(Angie seductively touches Cain's claw while 70's porno music starts playing in the background)
Angie: It'll take some getting used to but it'll be great, Cain.
"Oh, yeah. Cain is packing with a high-powered vibrator that will make you cu…." Sean said as he gets interrupted.
(The record scratches as RoboCain grabs Angie by her face, crushing her skull and kills her)
"Well….. shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While the Mayor tries to escape, RoboCain spots Hob and tries to eliminate him, but one of Hob's henchmen shoot at RoboCain but the menacing cyborg kills him, in which Hob hides in the armored truck.
(RoboCain starts shooting at the armored truck)
"Oh, he'll be fine. Nothing bad is gonna happen to him. Maybe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mayor Kuzak gets away from RoboCain and RoboCop arrives at the scene right after RoboCain leaves. He investigates the scene of the crime, showing a bunch of bodies that he left in his wake, only for Robo to come across….
(RoboCop finds a mortally wounded Hob)
Hob: I'm cold.
RoboCop: You are going into shock. I will call for a medical emergency unit.
Hob: Wait. No. Don't leave me.
RoboCop: I won't leave you.
"Movie, is this your attempt of making me feel sorry for that little punk-ass bastard? Because I'm not feeling sorry for him. The kid got what he deserved. If I played Littlefoot's mother's death scene from The Land Before Time and this scene together, then I wouldn't feel sorry.
(A clip from The Land Before Time is shown)
Mother (Voiced by Helen Shaver): Dear sweet Littlefoot. Do you remember the way to the Great Valley?
Littlefoot (Voiced by Gabriel Damon): I guess so…
(We switch back to Hob's death scene in RoboCop 2)
Hob: I'm cold.
RoboCop: You are going into shock.
(We switch back to The Land Before Time)
Littlefoot: But why do I have to know? You're gonna be with me!
Mother: I'll be with you…even if you can't see me.
Littlefoot: Mother… mother?
(We switch back to RoboCop 2)
Hob: I'm gonna die. You know what that's like, don't you? It really sucks.
RoboCop: Yes.
"See? I didn't feel sorry one bit." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as RoboCop) Farewell, sweet Littlefoot. May you join your mother in the Great Valley in the sky and eat all the star leaves you can muster.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, before Hob dies, he identifies that the attacker was Cain. So with the Mayor still kicking, OCP hasn't slowed down their unveiling ceremony for Delta City at the Civic Centrum. Hell, the building is waving a red flag with a white circle and a black symbol. Nice, real subtle. OCP's a bunch of Nazis. Anyway, Mayor Kuzak arrives to tell The Old Man that he won't get away with this.
Mayor Kuzak: Won't be much room for neighborhoods, huh? Not like the kind we all grew up in.
The Old Man: These days neighborhoods just seem to be places where bad things happen. Don't be nostalgic.
Mayor Kuzak: What about democracy? Nobody elected you.
The Old Man: Anyone can buy OCP stock and own a piece of our city. What could be more democratic than that?
Mayor Kuzak: Well let me tell you there are a lot of people in this town that can't afford to buy your stock! And they're not going to let you get away with this.
The Old Man: You haven't been following the polls. Sit down.
"And if you interrupt me again, I'll start playing the Silver Shamrock song over and over again just to irritate you." Sean said, imitating The Old Man.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, during the unveiling of Delta City, The Old Man unveils RoboCop 2 and Mayor Kuzak almost craps his pants from seeing the menacing cyborg after witnessing it killing everybody. And The Old Man does the most stupidest thing by presenting a cannister of Nuke, resulting in RoboCop 2 going berserk over the Nuke.
Sean: (V/O as RoboCain): (RoboCop 2 tries to grab the Nuke from The Old Man) Give me the Nuke, Old Man! Give it to me! Give me the stuff! Give it to me before I rip out your fucking spine!
"Boy, Mr. Burns is not that bright to bring in an industrial-sized tube of that stuff. Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, RoboCop is here and he's armed with a Cobra assault cannon to bring down the killer cyborg.
RoboCop: Cain! Let's step outside.
(RoboCain sees RoboCop and aims his minigun at him)
Dr. Juliette Faxx: You! Get out of here! You're obsolete!
Mayor Kuzak: That thing is a killer!
Dr. Juliette Faxx: It's not even armed! It's harmless!
Mayor Kuzak: It's a killer, and I saw it!
(RoboCain grabs the remote from out of Faxx's hand and activates his weapons. RoboCain fires his minigun at RoboCop and starts attacking the crowd)
"Okay. Everybody at OCP are idiots. First ED-209 and now RoboCop 2. Just another fucked up creation by these people who are not good at their job." Sean said.
(RoboCop keep shooting RoboCain with his Cobra assault cannon until RoboCain shoots him with a shoulder-mounted cannon)
The Old Man: Behave yourselves!
"Yeah, like that's gonna help. Just yell "Behave yourselves" to two cyborgs trying to kill each other." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get ten straight minutes of an epic death battle between RoboCop and RoboCain, which leads to an elevator which they do an Injustice 2-style stage transition to the roof, leading to another stage transition to the boiler room. And it leads to a shootout between the Detroit Police Department and RoboCain and I have to say that the police are being idiots for wasting their ammo on that cyborg and the reporters are stupid as well because they are willing to get themselves killed for the story of a lifetime.
"Can you imagine if I did something like that?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Taylor: (as reporter Meghan Sabara) Good evening, I'm Meghan Sabara. Tonight's top story, there's pandemonium going on at OCP's Civic Centrum as OCP's latest creation RoboCop 2 goes out of control. Reporter Daryl Trainor is on the scene. Daryl, can you tell me what's going on?
Sean: (as reporter Daryl Trainor) Meghan, it's a war zone out there. What was supposed to the unveiling of Delta City has turned into a nightmare…
(Sean almost gets shot by RoboCop 2 and goes ghetto in three seconds)
Sean: Shit! Fuck this, I'm outta here. No, no fuck my contract! I'm gettin' out of this joint! Trying to get me killed in this motherfucking war zone.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Lewis had the smart idea by running over RoboCain with a tank. But that doesn't work, there's only thing left to do. And that's by giving Cain the Nuke. Lewis gives Cain the canister of Nuke and he administers it himself as he begins to feel the effects from the drug, giving RoboCop a chance to mount the mechanical monstrosity like a friggin' bull at a rodeo and rips out his brain.
RoboCop: Goodbye.
(RoboCop crushes Cain's brain, ending the killer cyborg's rampage)
"Hey, only RoboCop has the brains to destroy you." Sean said as he begins to hear the sound of crickets chirping. "Get it? Yeah, RoboCop has a human brain and Cain's brain has been ripped out. Nevermind."
Sean: (Narrating) After RoboCain's been defeated, OCP has to deal with the negative press but Johnson could think of an easier way out that they can use.
Johnson: What if this was the work of one individual? A person who had her own agenda that wasn't in sync with the goals of our company?
The Old Man: Well, that usually works.
Johnson: A woman who was not a team player. Who violated our trust.
"Here's a hint: she's a doctor, she's responsible for choosing the brain and she's crazy. And she also has an Australian accent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speak of the devil, here comes Dr. Faxx, the she-devil of a witch.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: My God, you're alright. I was so worried I thought it was going to hurt you.
The Old Man: Now, now. It's over. It's all over.
Dr. Juliette Faxx: I've failed you.
The Old Man: Don't be so hard on yourself. Everything's going to be all right.
"Hey, she was the one that chose the brain and you encouraged her and pushed her forward in that area of expertise and you're willing to let her take the fall just to save your own wrinkly, old ass? Boy, you are Mr. Burns!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, The Old Man and Dr. Faxx leave the Civic Centrum, avoiding any questions from the reporters… and that's it.
Lewis: That son of a bitch is getting away with it. We can't even touch him.
RoboCop: Patience, Lewis. We're only human.
"What the hell kind of reasoning is that?" Sean asked. "You know what, forget it. So, that was RoboCop 2. It's not as good as the original film but I still find it enjoyable."
(Clips from RoboCop 2 are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) It was bright and comical than the first film. They kept most of the same characters. It has some nice action and some impressive effects for 1990 and a simple enough story to follow. But the climatic battle between RoboCop and Cain felt like something out of Mortal Kombat and Injustice 2. The big change in RoboCop 2 was that the movie was light-hearted and fun as opposed to the original which was dark and had a sort of tragedy to it. The characters, well how should I put it? Some of them were good and some of them were not. Lewis was a fine character but doesn't do much in the whole movie. Peter Weller was amazing as always as RoboCop, I loved Tom Noonan's performance as Cain. And let's talk about the character Hob. What were they thinking? It felt like I was watching a brutal Disney Channel show. I liked Gabriel Damon's performance but I didn't care for the character. Anyway, RoboCop 2 is still a fun movie. If you happen to stumble upon it, then check it out. RoboCop 2 is getting 3 Nuke symbols out of 5.
"Okay, so that's one movie down. Four left. Sequelitis Month has just begun. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you next time." Sean said as he leaves the living room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Thank you for not smoking.
And that's all for the first part of Sequelitis Month for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you enjoyed the review of RoboCop 2. Next up, Sequelitis Month continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at RoboCop 3, the worst RoboCop film ever made. Will it make him go insane? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.