The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sequelitis Month continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the film All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, a movie in which Don Bluth is not involved with. So here it is, the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and MGM Family Entertainment.
Sequelitis Month Part IV: All Dogs Go to Heaven 2
(We get the title card for Sequelitis Month playing as usual. This time, the title card has a photo of Sean with devil horns on his head with a grumpy look on his face)
It was a cold, snowy February evening in Cincinnati as we see our favorite residential critic gearing up by putting on his black long-sleeved shirt, loading his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol, grabbing his bulletproof vest, grabbing his knife, securing his gun in his holster, grabbing his uzi and a few clips as he loads one into his submachine gun. And then, the young critic finally sits down on his couch with his uzi in his hand as the camera zoom up on his face before saying this.
"LET'S DO THIS THING!" Sean yelled out.
(The title screen for All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie and the first film "All Dogs Go to Heaven")
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, God. This is going to hurt. Continuing Sequelitis Month, I give you the sequel to one of my favorite Don Bluth movies: All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Released in theaters on March 29, 1996, this movie continued the adventure of Charlie B. Barkin and his pal Itchy. Now, you all remember my review of the original 1989 animated classic and me praising it to be one of Don Bluth's greatest films and it being one of my favorite Don Bluth movies and me saying that this movie is my Secret of Nimh. And it is. The movie was hilarious and dealt with mature and dark themes which made this film a masterpiece. So as you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to reviewing this movie.
(Posters for The Secret of Nimh, An American Tail, The Land Before Time and All Dogs Go to Heaven are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) See, here's a little rule: movies that were directed by Don Bluth are awesome.
(Posters for their sequels are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Sequels to those Don Bluth movies that I mentioned tend to suck bison balls. With the exception of An American Tail: Fivel Goes West, that one was pretty good. Yeah, Don Bluth was not involved in this sequel, the sequel was directed by Paul Sabella and Larry Leker. Paul Sabella was known for working on the Captain Sternn segment of the 1981 film Heavy Metal, Babes in Toyland and producing a few animated shows such as a few from Hanna-Barbera like A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, Tom & Jerry Kids, The Smurfs, Yo Yogi!, Fish Police and he also produced The Pink Panther back in 1993. You know, the one where the Pink Panther is voiced by Matt Frewer.
(A clip from The Pink Panther animated series from 1993 is shown)
Pink Panther (Voiced by Matt Frewer): No sweat, Principal Pepperpot. All it need is a little glue.
Sean: (Narrating) And Larry Leker, who was a storyboard artist for six of Don Bluth's films, one of them happen to be All Dogs Go to Heaven. He's also one of the writers for All Dogs Go to Heaven and he's one of the writers for two of the greatest animated Disney films of all time that are getting a live-action remake. And those two are Aladdin and The Lion King. And to top it off, none of the original voice actors from the first film didn't reprise their roles in the sequel, except for Dom DeLuise, he came back to voice Itchy. Which is a good thing.
"Well, let's see what the damage is and see if this sequel deserves to go through the Pearly Gates of Heaven or just rot in Hell for eternity." Sean said as he readies his uzi. "Let's jump right into All Dogs Go to Heaven 2."
Sean: (Narrating) So the movie begins with Carface, the villain from the last film, in Heaven.
"Apparently, God doesn't do background checks on people before letting them in." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that he's talking on a pay phone. Wait, since when do they have pay phones in Heaven? What, do they have a Wendy's there? I mean, can you imagine me talking to one of my family members who are in Heaven?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (Talking to his grandmother on his phone) Yeah, grandma. Everything is fine. Mom's doing alright and so is Taylor. How are things up in Heaven? They got a Wendy's there? That's awesome! And a Regal Cinema too. So, you saw Alita: Battle Angel. Was it amazing as they said it was?
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Carface is talking to someone sinister on the pay phone and it sounds like they're planning on doing something evil.
(A clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown)
Mermaid Man (Voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine): Evil. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And Carface is voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine. You know, the voice of Mermaid Man from SpongeBob SquarePants. And they made him a bumbling idiot for someone that he works for in the movie. Oh, yeah. We went from menacing villain to bumbling idiot and you'll see why later. And then we get the opening titles, which is not accompanied with gunshots. Oh, no. Instead, the intro just wants to be boring. And by the way, is it just me or does the theme music sound a bit like the theme music from Sonic Unleashed.
(The theme music to All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 start playing, then the theme music to Sonic Unleashed starts playing)
"So in twelve years, Sega's gonna be ripping off the theme music from the film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after we fly through the dullest opening credits I've ever seen in my life, we see that the dogs have some kind of ceremony where people get medals for good deeds or some shit from the head angel Anabelle, who's not voiced by Melba Moore, but she's voiced by Dr. Lilith Sternin herself Bebe Neuwirth.
Annabelle (Voiced by Bebe Neuwirth): And now, our final honoree, voted most-rehabilitated by our heavenly jury.
Charlie (Voiced by Charlie Sheen): I wouldn't be caught dead wearing one of those merit badges, eh, Carface? (Nudges Carface on his arm)
Carface (Voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine): Hey! Shh!
"Wait a minute, Charlie and Carface are friends again?" Sean asked. "Why are they friends again? Movie, you do realize that in the last film Carface tried to kill Charlie not only once but twice. Well, I guess Sabella and Leker said 'fuck consistency, let's make these two friends.'"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anabelle presents the final award to the dog who's redeemed himself. Oh, gee. I wonder if Charlie gets the award.
Anabelle: Carface Caruthers!
Charlie: Huh?
We cut to Sean, who's drinking a can of cherry 7Up and does a spit take right after he heard that Carface wins the award. "What the hell?! Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!"
(A clip from All Dogs Go to Heaven is shown where Charlie saves Anne-Marie's life from certain death)
Sean: (Narrating) Fuck you! What?! How can Carface deserve the award and not Charlie? Remember in the last film, Charlie did a good deed by saving by saving Anne-Marie's life. He deserves it, not that fat bulldog.
"Hey, if Carface can win the award, then I'm Chuck Fuckin' Testa." Sean said.
Carface: Hey, remember, Charlie, it never hurts to play the game.
Charlie: Halo polisher.
"Whoa, Charlie. Watch it, now. This is a children's film. No need for that kind of language." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and by the way, the late Burt Reynolds voiced Charlie in the last film. Guess who's voicing Charlie now?
(A clip from Two and a Half Men is shown)
Charlie Harper (Played by Charlie Sheen): No, Alan. I brought home an invisible cocktail waitress. She's doing me even as we speak.
Sean: (Narrating) That's right, my friends. Charlie is now voiced by Charlie Sheen. Yeah, this was before he did that abomination called Food Fight.
"Because when you think of Charlie B. Barkin, you think of the guy who's slept with different porn actresses. And I can name them. There's Bree Olson, Brett Rossi, Georgia Jones, Kacey Jordan and Capri Anderson. Want me to name some of the films that they've done?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So after we hear the sound of a trumpet, Carface makes a ridiculously evil face while everyone rushes towards the gates of Heaven. It turns out that dogs who recently died are now being let in to Heaven.
(Charlie tries to stop and as he stops, he pushes one of the angels out of Heaven)
Charlie: Sorry. Lousy brake pads.
"Jeez, what kind of drug was Charlie on?" Sean asked.
(A clip from 20/20's interview with Charlie Sheen is shown)
Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen'.
"I knew it! I knew that Charlie was on drugs. That explains his out of control lifestyle." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As the new arrivals arrive in Heaven, one of them happens to be Charlie's dachshund buddy Itchy, voiced by Dom DeLuise, the only returning actor from the first film. So, Itchy died from choking on a chicken drumstick. You know what's weird, why was Itchy still alive since 1939. Anyway, Itchy is amazed at Heaven, which has all dogs in it, but no cats unlike the first film.
Itchy (Voiced by the late Dom DeLuise): I'm going to like it here, Charlie.
Charlie: Believe me, it gets old fast.
Itchy: What do you mean?
Sean: (Narrating) With Itchy enjoying life in Heaven, Charlie finds it boring and like every animated movie in the 90s, he sings about it.
Charlie: I don't know. It's too…
(The song It's Too Heavenly Here starts)
Charlie: (Sings) It's too heavenly here. It's too peaceful and paradise like. Straight and narrow and much too nice like. Endlessly sunny and clear. It's too heavenly here.
"Heaven forbid if we have Charlie Sheen singing for a kid's film." Sean said.
(Another clip from Two and a Half Men is shown)
Charlie Harper: (Sings) I love boobies. I love boobies. I love boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now. (Normal voice) Come on!
Sean: (Narrating) Thankfully, it's not Charlie Sheen singing, that's Jesse Corti providing Charlie's singing voice. Charlie sings about how boring it is in Heaven and he wants to be a con artist again and this song have this weird shift from it being soft and quiet to upbeat and song's still boring.
Charlie: (Sings) I need some action, I need some juice. That crazy kind of feeling of playing fast and loose. Some razzle-dazzle and a little stress and strife. I gotta get some life in my life.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, as much as I make fun of Burt Reynolds' singing in the first film, I kinda wish that he returned to voice Charlie for this one instead of recasting the role for Charlie Sheen. It's like recasting the role of Trip Windsor in American Housewife. Instead of Peyton Meyer playing the character, you get Kevin G. Quinn from Bunk'd to play the character.
"Now that you think about it, not a bad choice because Xander McCormick was cool yet kinda ditzy on the show." Sean said.
Charlie: (Sings) 'Cause it's too heavenly here. All hallelujahs and hosannas. It could drive anyone bananas. I'm going out of my head. This joint is deader than dead.
"Oh god, it's 2:53 minutes of dog shit." Sean said rubbing his temples in circles.
Itchy: Charlie, you got to see a doctor.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that horrendously bad musical number, Carface decides to go get Gabriel's Horn and steal it. As he steals the horn, Carface starts blowing on the horn, causing the gates of Heaven to go all wonky as he tries to open the gates up so he can leave Heaven.
Carface: Baby! You're my ticket to fame and fortune! (Kisses the horn and laughs)
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that he won't do anything stupid like being a numbskull and knocking the horn out of Heaven and losing it in the process." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Carface accidentally kicks the horn out of Heaven)
Carface: (Screams) This is not good!
"Oh, you numbskull." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Carface ends up losing the horn in the process like a complete idiot and goes after it, but like a comedic villain, he gets himself into a bunch of silly antics, like impersonating Syndrome from The Incredibles.
(Carface catches the horn with his teeth and ends up flying into a plane's turbine)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, and he loses the horn.
(Carface screams after he loses the horn)
"Well, nice job, dumbass! You lost the horn. Now what are you going to do? I mean, seriously. How did we get from Carface being menacing in the last film to him being a complete numbskull in the second film? I guess him getting eaten by that big-lipped alligator turned him into a numbskull." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anabelle warns the angels about the terrible news about the horn gone missing and landing on Earth. Where on earth is Gabriel's horn?
Anabelle: Gabriel's horn has fallen from Heaven and landed on Earth in the heart of San Francisco.
"Excuse me, where?" Sean asked.
Anabelle: …in the heart of San Francisco.
"San Francisco? Out of all places the horn could land in and it lands in San Francisco. Why not Cincinnati? I know we have some crazy-ass weather but still, the horn could've landed in my city. It's a nice place." Sean said.
(Footage from All Dogs Go to Heaven and All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Quick question, how did we get from 1939 New Orleans to 1996 San Francisco? Are they trying to tell us that angels can time travel as well? Sounds like something that Captain James T. Kirk and his crew would do, like time travel from the future 1986 San Francisco just to save San Francisco in the future.
"Except, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is a better movie than this bowl of kibbles and dog bits." Sean said.
Ace St. Bernard (Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): This is terrible! But without the horn, the pearly gates can't be opened.
Sean: (Narrating) No kidding? Thanks for stating the obvious, Cujo. So, Anabelle goes to see which one on the dogs should retrieve the horn from Earth. Charlie hears the idea and seems to really like it since we heard a whole fucking song about how he doesn't like it in Heaven. But really, does he really have to cheat his way through this? And do you really think it's a good idea for her to send him down to Earth?
Charlie: Anabelle, you'll need someone who can zip there and back before big Gabe finds his horn missing, someone who knows the ropes and the dopes, someone.
Anabelle: Just like you.
Charlie: Me? Well, I don't know I'd have to check with my people and get back to you. Oh, what the heck? I'll do it.
Anabelle: Maybe you can do something besides make a nuisance out of yourself.
"And stay away from attractive porn stars that you'll end up dating or engaged to and no more wild antics and telling reporters that you have tiger's blood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Charlie heads down to Earth to retrieve the horn, Anabelle gives Charlie some instructions on how to track down the horn by following his ears because the horn gives off a steady, heavenly tone that only angels can hear. And she gives him only one miracle to be used in case of an emergency.
"Uh, Anabelle? Why give me one miracle? Couldn't you give me two?" Sean asked, imitating Charlie.
"Because we're in a recession, Charles." Alex, Sean's friend, said as she imitates Anabelle.
Sean: (Narrating) So, it's off to San Francisco for Charlie and he has Itchy tagging along just to make sure that Charlie doesn't get into trouble. Uh, I have one quick question: why is this movie set in San Francisco? I mean, wouldn't it be more logical for Charlie to go back to New Orleans and visit Anne-Marie who's grown up now? I mean, he did promise her.
(Another clip from All Dogs Go to Heaven is shown)
Anne-Marie (Voiced by the late Judith Barsi): Charlie, will I ever see you again?
Charlie (Voiced by the late Burt Reynolds): Sure. Sure you will, kid. You know goodbyes aren't forever.
"Look, I know what happened to Judith Barsi and I am deeply saddened by it and I did mention it in my review of All Dogs Go to Heaven. What we have here is a broken link. You can't just promise one thing and then just tell another story. It doesn't even make sense. The writers messed it up. Hell, they didn't even mention Anne-Marie in this movie. Not one! I think what they did was out of respect for Judith Barsi. I wish I could rant about it, but we have more of this." Sean said.
Charlie: (After him and Itchy land on the streets of San Francisco) Look at this mess, Itchy. Trash, exhaust fumes, graffiti! We are home!
(A trolley appears as Itchy screams until the screen turns black and we hear a squishing sound. Then, the end credits roll)
Sean: (Narrating) I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Actually, Charlie and Itchy move out of the way and try not to get killed. And this is the first thing that Charlie does right after him and Itchy land on Earth.
Charlie: (Sniffs) Hello, double chili cheeseburger with onions and pickles.
Itchy: Charlie! Stay!
"Oh, great. You got Charlie obsessed with cheeseburgers. Yeah, something that would make a dog die easily from eating too much cheeseburgers. What the flying fuck?!" Sean snapped at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And yeah, this is where Charlie's cheeseburger obsession starts. They continued this running gag in the TV series. What is he like Sonic the Hedgehog with his chili dog obsession. Why don't you make Charlie addicted to tiger's blood while you're at it.
The audience starts booing at Sean after he made his bad Charlie Sheen joke.
"What? What? What? You all knew that the joke was coming. I had to make that joke. I had to make that joke just once." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Itchy, being the smart and sensible one, just wants to look for the horn and go back to Heaven but good 'ol Charlie here has some plans for his own. Instead of looking for the horn, he wants to go out and have some fun. But where would he have some fun at? At a dog version of a gentlemen's club. Okay, who's idea was this? Was it the hack writers who wrote this? Look, I know that Charlie did this in the first film but the whole point of the first film was for him to change his ways.
"And I hope that you like dog puns, because you're gonna here some dog puns here." Sean said.
Dog Guard: I.D.?
Doggy: I don't need no stinkin' dog tags!
(The dog guard picks up the small dog, then sniffs him and throws him out)
Charlie: Classy place. They check for worms.
"Oh, God!" Sean groaned.
Sean: (Narrating) While we have a song sung by voice acting legend Jim Cummings, another Ohio native, Charlie decides to get himself something to drink at the bar. Yeah, just like Charlie Sheen.
Charlie: Hey bartender. How about a frosty one for the chuckmeister? Root beer, Itchy?
(The bartender is pouring root beer, that is pink, in a beer mug)
"Uh, that doesn't look like any Barq's root beer I've ever seen. Unless these dogs are drinking Ocean Spray pink cranberry juice mixed with Sprite. Look, I've never seen that kind of pink root beer in stores. What do you call it?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Shameless is shown)
Kevin (Played by Steve Howey): Death.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Charlie is trying to get the precious pink drink that he couldn't get, something must be wrong.
"Oh, let me guess: could it be because he's an angel?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone as the word "YES" appears on the screen. "Oh, go take a rolling fuck off a flying donut, movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie then realizes that me and the audience already knew about it, Charlie and Itchy are ghosts because of Anabelle and he's not taking it well because he wants to be among the living and not like Patrick Swayze. And then, we get our next performance of the movie.
Labradour MC (Voiced by Wallace Shawn): And now, let's have a warm round of appaws for our next contestant, Miss Sasha La Fleur.
"Okay, first of all, that's Wallace Shawn voicing the MC. And second, another goddamn dog pun. Do I need to do a drinking game for every dog pun I hear?" Sean asked as he pulls out a bottle of Traverse City whiskey.
(The song Count Me Out begins)
Sasha La Fleur (Voiced by Sheena Easton): (Sings) If you got romance on your mind. If you'd like to stroll hand in hand. If you want to cuddle in the moonlight. And whisper, "ain't love grand".
We cut back to Sean, who's looking a bit disturbed and disgusted from watching the scene because the animators are trying to make a dog look sexy. During Sasha's performance, Sean opens the bottle of whiskey and starts drinking from the bottle instead of pouring some in a glass.
Sasha La Fleur: (Sings) Baby, count me out.
(Itchy turns to Charlie and sees his best friend becoming lovestruck from seeing the sexy Irish Setter dog)
Sean: (Narrating) This is Sasha La Fleur, she's a lounge singer. She's voiced by Scottish singer Sheena Easton. And I have one problem with this character. No, I like her but I have a teeny tiny little problem, they made her sexy.
"Uh, why would anyone fuck a dog? What sense does that make? Dogs aren't sexy, dogs are pets. I mean, who in their right mind would want to have sex with a dog?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Angry Grandpa's A Trailer Park Thanksgiving is shown)
Angry Grandpa: (Yells) LEMME TELL YOU ONE GODDAMN THING RIGHT NOW! I'M FUCKING THIS PUPPY! YOU AIN'T FUCKING THIS PUPPY! I'M FUCKING THIS PUPPY!
"Stop! Stop!" Sean yelled out. "Okay, alright. Look, let me make one thing very clear and this is for you MGM executives and representatives out there, we don't want to bang dogs. I cannot believe that I'm saying this we don't want to fuck dogs. We're humans, therefore humans fuck other humans. I'm sure there's a small percentage of people who would like to have sex with dogs. Come on, have you ever seen a dog that you actually have the hots for?"
(A photo of Amanda Cerny as Amber Day in the movie Internet Famous is shown. We see the character Amber dressed in a sexy dog outfit)
"That doesn't count!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Charlie immediately gets smitten by Sasha and he wants to pork her doggie style. I see how they got the inspiration for Charlie Harper. They end up bumping into Carface and he shows them how he's able to interact with people, even though he's an angel as well.
Carface: (Shows them his collar) As long as I'm wearing this baby I'm flesh and blood.
Charlie: Where'd you get it?
Carface: A buddy of mine has them.
"Oh, yeah. Trust the guy who tried to kill you. Like that's going to end well. Hell, Itchy doesn't even trust Carface one bit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Charlie, being the complete dumbass like he is, decides to trust Carface and the fat bulldog takes Charlie and Itchy to a house that looks like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, more like Frank Lloyd Wrong. Then, we get some stupidity.
(Itchy messes with a mechanical cat clock as a mechanical piranha pops out, then Carface ends up scaring Itchy by wearing a witch doctor mask.)
"Oh, my God. What? What was that? Jesus, that seems out of place like that big-lipped alligator moment in the first film." Sean said.
Itchy: You trying to scare me to death?
Carface: Don't sweat it, pal. You're already dead.
"God, kill me for hearing that lame pun." Sean said, rubbing his temples in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) We finally meet Carface's friend Red, voiced brilliantly by George Hearn.
"And you'll see why in a few minutes. Trust me, he's the best part of this ungodly movie." Sean said.
Red (Voiced by George Hearn): Charlie Barkin. Itchy Itchford. Welcome.
Charlie: Wait, wait. How can he?
Carface: Red sees all and knows all.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I'm gonna call it and say that he's the villain. Because when somebody knows your name immediately, they're evil.
(A clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown)
Mermaid Man: Evil. EEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!
"Oh yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Red then agrees to give Charlie and Itchy the collars but there's a catch.
Red: The collars are only good until sundown tomorrow. After that, you'll be, shall we say, insubstantial again.
Charlie: By then I'll have Sasha begging for me.
"Yeah, that's Charlie Sheen in a nutshell." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie agrees and soon the two are on their way. But what Charlie doesn't know is that he made a deal with the devil.
Red: (His eyes glow red) You'll owe me one, all right.
Sean: (Narrating) Called it! I fucking called it! Red's the villain. So, now that Red is revealed to be the villain, we get to see why George Hearn is the best part of this movie and it's this next song It Feels So Good to Be Bad.
(The next song It Feels So Good to Be Bad starts)
Red: (Sings) Now you're working with a master. Who will help you cultivate your darker side.
(Red turns into an evil red cat)
"And Red is a cat and he's the servant of the devil. Really? Do you have to make cats evil? They're not evil. Okay, so they can be a bunch of fox-eared assholes at times but they're not evil. Not all cats are evil." Sean said before turning to his right. "Riley, what do you think?"
Sean's cat Riley, who's sitting on the floor, looks at him and meows at him before Sean turns to the camera.
"Boom!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I rant about how bad this movie is, it does have one enjoyable song sung by a brilliant actor and Broadway singer. And yes, I know that he's singing about how good it feels to be bad but it's still an awesome villain song along with Be Prepared from The Lion King, Poor Unfortunate Souls from The Little Mermaid and What's My Name from Descendants 2. Plus, we get a nice little reference to Sweeney Todd since George Hearn performed on Broadway as Sweeney Todd. This is incredible singing from a man who sang this song.
(A clip from the 1984 Tony Awards is shown, showing George Hearn singing I Am What I Am from La Cage Aux Folles is shown)
Red: (Sings) You've got my guarantee. It feels so good to be bad!/So good to be bad.
(The song ends with the back flap of Carface's devil costume falls down, revealing his butt. Carface grabs the butt flap and covers himself up)
"Way to keep it classy, guys." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that musical number, we cut back to the doggie club where we see that sexy bitch *female dog* Sasha getting her prize that she won, which is a bone and after getting screwed over, she gives the bone to a starving young dog and we see that she has a good heart and that's what I like about her character. Anyway, Charlie notices Sasha getting some food and decides to go to first base with her.
Charlie: (To Sasha) You must hear this all the time. But you sing like an angel.
(A clip from the Two and a Half Men season 5 episode Meander to Your Dander is shown)
Charlie Harper: Excuse me.
Brenda (Played by Eve Gordon): Yes?
Charlie Harper: I'm… I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner but I'm sitting over there with my nephew.
Jake Harper (Played by Angus T. Jones): Now?
Charlie Harper: No, not now. Dumbass.
Jake Harper: Now?
Charlie Harper: No.
Sasha La Fleur: Excuse me.
Charlie: The name's Barkin. Charlie Barkin. And you are?
Sasha La Fleur: Not even remotely interested.
Charlie: Oh. That's a mouthful.
We cut back to Sean, who's doing a spit take after drinking from his bottle of whiskey. "Ah, dog flirting."
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie, channeling his inner Charlie Harper, fails to impress Sasha as she runs away. Charlie wants to go follow her but Itchy just wants to look for the horn. But Charlie wants to be a horndog and follow Sasha to her home, leading Itchy to say this.
Itchy: I'll never get back to Heaven. Oh-ho, shucks.
"I'm sorry. What did he just say?" Sean asked.
Itchy: Oh-ho, shucks.
"Did he just say "oh-ho, shit"? This is a G-rated movie. Watch the language, mister!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy track down Sasha and Charlie brings her the back of food, in which Sasha warms up to Charlie for a bit.
Charlie: If you want some company, we could stick around.
Sasha La Fleur: Sorry, I've got a kid.
Charlie: Uh, yeah, but, uh. I'm good with kids.
"Oh, really?" Sean asked raising an eyebrow.
(Another clip from Two and a Half Men is shown)
Charlie Harper: (Yells after Jake dumps a bucket of slime on his head) JAKE!
Alan Harper (Played by Jon Cryer): What's going on?
Jake Harper: Nothing. Gotta go.
Charlie Harper: (Chases Jake) Jake, you are so dead!/Where are you, you rat bastard!
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that she has a kid that she's caring for. A human child by the name of David, voiced by Adam Wylie, who has an impressive list of credits like Hey Arnold!, Under Wraps, Kindergarten Cop, Can of Worms and Gilmore Girls. Charlie and Itchy can talk and that of course impresses the young lad as Charlie reveals to him that he's an angel.
David (Voiced by Adam Wylie): Wow! That was the best trick I've ever seen.
Charlie: Trick?
David: I do magic too.
Sean: (Narrating) David can do some magic tricks as well and Charlie decides to use his miracle that Anabelle gave him by kissing Sasha, granting her the ability to talk to David as well.
Sasha La Fleur: (After Charlie kisses her) Of all the arrogant, presumptuous, egotistical mutts I've ever met.
"Okay, unless Sasha has some pepper spray with her, she needs to spray it in Charlie's face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Charlie uses up his miracle on Sasha, this convinces David that him and Itchy are indeed angels.
David: You must be my guardian angel.
Sasha and Charlie: Your what?
David: My mom said everyone has a guardian angel. You're here because I ran away from home.
Sean: (Narrating) The reason why David ran away from home is because he's having problems with his stepmom because she wants him to call her "mom". So he plans to live on the street and do his magic act at Cannery Square, and Charlie thinks it's a good plan. So, it's off to Cannery Square or as Charlie likes to call it…
Charlie: Easy Street.
"Charlie, whatever you do, please don't use that kid for your own personal game like you did with Anne-Marie in the last film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, on Alcatraz. We see that Carface and Red are plotting their diabolical plan. For what, you may ask. We're not sure but we get this most disturbing part of the movie.
(Red sees a rat and catches it. Carface watches as we see the shadow of Red eating the rat and we hear a crunching sound while he eats it)
"Great job, movie. Now the children are going to be disturbed by this scene." Sean said.
Red: Have a bone.
(Red sticks the rat's bone in Carface's mouth)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we find our characters on their way to Cannery Square and Charlie asks Sasha what she looks for in a dog-boyfriend.
Charlie: What qualities would you be looking for?
Sasha La Fleur: Oh, I don't know.
Charlie: Ah, of course you do.
Sasha La Fleur: Hmm. Well. Loyalty, strength, breeding.
Charlie: I'd be good at that.
"Ewww! We don't need to know that!" Sean exclaimed with a disgusted look on his face.
Sasha La Fleur: Humility.
Charlie: Hmm.
Sasha La Fleur: Compassion.
(Charlie stops dead in his tracks and faints)
"Okay, did he just hit his head on the I-beam or did he just bump into the camera and knock himself out?" Sean asked. "Quality animation, folks."
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy begin to hear the heavenly tones of Gabriel's horn and find that's it's being put at a local police station. Back at Alcatraz, we get more of Carface and Red's dastardly plan.
Red: All these cells filled with dogs. Can you see it?
Carface: Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Red: And me playing Gabriel's horn! Can you hear it?
"Wait, so his plan is to lock up the angels from Heaven in Alcatraz so they will all be locked up in there while he blows the horn. Ooooookay. Kind of a dumb plan there, Red. Have you ever heard of the June 1962 Alcatraz escape attempt?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then he starts singing about how good it feels to be bad. Dude, we get it. You're evil. No need to sing about it again!
Red: (Sings) Three cheers for treachery. It feels so good to be bad. Bah ha!
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the San Francisco police department, Charlie sneaks into the police station to go fetch Gabriel's horn. While all that's going on, we see that David's father Thom, voiced by Bobby DiCicco, and his stepmom Claire, voiced by Annette Helde, are at the police station talking to the police officer about David and we get a reason why he ran away from home.
Officer Reyes (Voiced by Marabina Jaimes): Any ideas why he ran away?
Thom (Voiced by Bobby DiCicco): It could only be one thing.
Claire (Voiced by Annette Helde): We're having a baby, and David got very upset when I told him.
"Really? Really? The kid ran away from home because his father and stepmother are having a baby? I haven't ran away from home when I found out that my mom and dad were having a baby. So, you nut up and shut up, kid." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie finds the horn at the lost and found and he takes off the collar so he can grab it. But there's one problem, the horn is solid so it won't go through the gate.
Charlie: Of course, it couldn't be Gabriel's flute or Gabriel's kazoo.
Sean chuckles a bit from Charlie's line. "Okay, I have to admit. That line was pretty funny."
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie reappears and Itchy asks him if he got it. Oh, come on. He already told them that they're angels, why not tell them about the fucking horn? Anyway, Charlie comes up with a plan to get the horn while Carface eavesdrops and tries to steal the horn for Red. Anyway, David enters the police station pretending to be blind and using Charlie, Itchy and Sasha as their seeing eye dogs. Which leads to some more antics.
(A police dog comes in contact with Itchy and growls at him. Itchy screams and jumps on the police officer's desk)
Charlie: Uh-oh! Plan "B", guys.
David: Donuts! Fresh off the truck!
(The police officers hear the news as they run out of the office to grabs some donuts)
"Way to insult the people who protect and serve us." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they grab the horn and they leave the police station, which leads to a police chase that makes you want to watch The French Connection's police chase scene.
"So, let me get this straight. We have two dogs from Heaven on a mission to find Gabriel's horn, a kid who performs magic and an Irish Setter with the voice of Sheena Easton on a motorcycle, getting chased by the cops while Carface chases them on a skateboard." Sean said before staying silent for a bit. "God, this movie just got stupider. Now, I would make a mindfuck joke but this is just giving me a headache."
Sean: (Narrating) So, after retrieving the horn, Charlie continues to be irresponsible and stupid by hiding the horn in the lobster trap and dropping it in the water instead of taking it back right away. Charlie then takes David to Cannery Square for David to perform his magic tricks in front of an audience.
(The song Easy Street starts)
Charlie: (Sings) Outta his way, he's coming through. The kid's making his show biz debut. You'll be amazed, amused, enthused and bowled over.
"Oh, Christ!" Sean growled.
David: (Sings) I got the moves, I got the tricks. Been practicing since I was six.
We cut back to Sean, who's see holding a pillow up to his face and screaming into it while hitting it with his fist while the song continues.
Charlie and David: (Sings) Easy Street. Where the sun's always shinin'. Not a cloud in the sky.
David: (Sings) Clear and sunny.
Charlie: (Sings) Milk and honey.
Charlie and David: (Sings) Life is sweet on Easy Street.
"God, how long do I have to suffer from listening to this damn song?! Can it please just end? God, please do something to end this song!" Sean yelled out.
(All of a sudden David ends up screwing up and falls into a fountain)
"Thank Christ!" Sean exclaimed as he raised his hands up in the air.
Sean: (V/O as God) David, this is God. I just wanted to let you know that the world hates you for being a pathetic little twerp. I'm just going to make it rain because you suck. So long, you little bastard.
Sean: (Narrating) After things didn't go so well at Easy Street, David is sad and Charlie decides to cheer him up by taking him home. Until, Itchy arrives with Chinese food to cheer him up some more.
(David feeds one of the seagulls while one of the other birds fly over to Itchy for food. Itchy snatches the food away as the bird makes a sad face.)
"Geez, did Itchy just turn into Courtney from Total Dramarama? He's not going to share his food with that adorable bird. He was protecting his food like it was a dragochicken." Sean said, referencing the Sharing is Caring episode of Total Dramarama.
Itchy: (His voice is replaced with Courtney's voice) No.
"Now, now Itchy. Remember the golden rule: sharing is caring." Sean said, imitating Chef Hatchet.
(A clip from Total Dramarama is shown)
Bridgette (Voiced by Kristin Fairlie) and Owen (Voiced by Scott McCord): Sharing is caring!
Sean: (Narrating) But Charlie is upset because he knows he can't stay for much longer, so he tells Sasha the truth on why's he's here.
Charlie: Sasha, my whole life has been about making and breaking promises. Now, I'm gonna do it again.
Sasha La Fleur: You can't take him home?
Charlie: I have to go back.
"Besides, I've seen you in Miami Vice in it's fourth season and I saw how terrible you were in that show." Sean said, imitating Charlie while referencing Sheena Easton guest starring in the fourth season of Miami Vice.
Sean: (Narrating) And then from out of the blue, comes the generic, sappy nineties love song.
(The song I Will Always Be With You starts)
Sasha: (Sings) I will always be with you. Makes no difference where your road takes you to. Even if we're apart. Now we're joined at the heart. Though our moment may be gone. You and I will still live on.
(Charlie starts singing I Will Always Be With You as well, but with a completely different voice. P.S.: Charlie's singing voice is performed by Jesse Corti)
Charlie: (Sings) I will always be with you…
Sean: (Narrating) Dah! Okay, either Charlie Sheen started singing or it's somebody else? Whose voice is that?! They didn't even try to make the singer sound like Charlie Sheen. Can you imagine me having a completely different voice while I'm singing?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: Taylor, I have to leave.
Taylor: But Sean, you can't leave me.
Sean: I know, just remember (Sings, Sean's voice is replaced by Jesse Corti) I will always be with you.
Taylor: I'm sleeping with your best friend Trip!
Sean: You little whore.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless little scene, Charlie becomes invisible again because his and Itchy's collars have worn off. So, Charlie goes to Red to try to get another one…. But for a price.
Red: I like your spirit, Charlie. Bring me this horn and you can have the collar.
Charlie: Great. But I need the collar to get it.
Red: (His eyes glow red) Oh, really?
"Don't do it, Charlie. Don't make the deal with the devil. Don't shake your hands with the devil." Sean warned.
Sean: (Narrating) Itchy tries to stop Charlie from making a terrible deal, but is too late when the deal is made as he gives Charlie the collar and shows his true form.
(Itchy screams after seeing Red in his cat form)
Red: Guess the cat's out of the bag, eh? (Laughs)
Charlie: You tricked me.
"Really? No shit, you just shook your hands with the devil. You're a fucking moron!" Sean yelled out.
(A clip from Courage the Cowardly Dog is shown)
Eustace (Voiced by the late Lionel Wilson): Stupid dog!
Red: Now, be a good little bow wow and fetch me my horn.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie goes to find David but Carface kidnaps him and tells Charlie to meet him at Alcatraz Island with the horn or David will die. And then we come to the thrilling climax of the film and to be honest, it's the best part of the film. Charlie arrives with the horn and gives it to Red and a lot of bad stuff goes down. So, the evil cat guy blows the horn and uses it to capture the dogs in Heaven and send them to Earth in prison cells.
Anabelle: Charles, what have you done?
(A clip from Angry Joe is shown)
Angry Joe: You done fucked it up!
Sean: (Narrating) Seeing that this is all his fault, Charlie goes to stop Red, who turns into a giant cat, accompanied by a Latin choir. And yeah, I know. They're ripping off the climax of The Little Mermaid and Red turning big like genie Jafar from Aladdin. Anyway, David, Sasha and Itchy come back to save Charlie and David ends up handcuffing Red's tail to a water pipe, causing it to burst and spray water all over Red.
"Because he's a cat and cat's hate water. You are so lame, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Itchy steals the horn from Red and gives it to Charlie, and then we get a showdown between Charlie and Red while Charlie tries to play the horn, which means one thing… BOSS FIGHT!
(During the showdown between Charlie and Red, the Giant Baby Bowser theme from Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island starts playing, then we see Charlie jumping off of the water tower to lure Red into the water)
Charlie: Hope you can dog paddle!
Red: Charlie!
(The water tower breaks as Red gets splashed with some water)
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie blows Gabriel's horn, sending the dogs back into Heaven and sending Red back to Hell where he belongs.
(Charlie sniffs the ground)
Charlie: Ha-lo! Double chili catbuger with onions and pickles.
We see that Sean is unable to control himself. "One moment, please."
Sean gets into a fit of rage as he beats his coffee table with his fists, causing an explosion, with clips of the nuclear attack scene from the 1983 movie The Day After, showing many civilian vaporized from the nuclear blast and buildings being destroyed. A few moments later, Sean sighs in his couch and tries to pull himself together, he is distracted by the sight of destruction next to him.
"Oops. My bad." Sean said with an innocent smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Carface comes out of hiding but he's not getting out of this one when Red drags him into Hell because he sold his soul to him in exchange for the collar.
Itchy: What do you know? And I thought all dogs go to heaven.
(The instrumental version of the song A Little Heaven from All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series starts playing while the words "Executive Producers PAUL SABELLA, JONATHAN DERN" are shown on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's wrap this up. Charlie and Itchy have to leave and they have to say goodbye and he tells Sasha that he loves her before leaving. And because of his good deed, he deserves a second chance in life but Itchy remains in Heaven and the two say their goodbyes. Charlie is reunited with Sasha and David and David is reunited with his father and stepmother, Charlie and Sasha share a kiss and they go home with David. The end.
"And that was All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. And looking back at it again, it is painful to watch!" Sean yelled at the camera.
(Footage from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) They have no respect for anything that happened in the first film, this was just a shameful cash grab they did hoping to make money and my God they did. After this movie was released in theaters, the TV show aired in syndication and a Christmas special. The animation was decent, not as good as the first one's animation but still decent, the music was boring and the story… well… the story is okay in my opinion. But is it bad that I like this one? I like the first one and it was my favorite and since I'm an adult and looking back at it brings me back to my childhood and I kinda like this one too, even if the movie sucked. You don't have any of the original voice actors, with the exception of Dom DeLuise. But the best part of the film would have to be George Hearn as Red, that's the only thing remotely entertaining about this film. He played an awesome villain. The movie didn't stay true to the original but if you want a movie that will keep your kids to shut up, then play the movie for them. Don't be expecting any big-lipped alligator moments. That's why I'm giving All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 3 devil horns out of 5.
"Alright, that's all for today." Sean sighs. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Sequelitis Month is almost over. Just one more movie! Hmm, I wonder who am I gonna call for this one."
GHOSTBUSTERS!
Sean looks at the camera with a big smile on his face as Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters start playing in the background.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen'.
And that was it for The Mayhem Critic's review of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. What did you think of it? Sorry, if it took so long to post it. Plus, did anyone enjoy watching that movie or do you like watching the original Don Bluth movie than the sequel? Next time, Sean ends Sequelitis Month with a bang as he takes a look at one of his favorite sequels of all-time…. GHOSTBUSTERS II! Hope you all like my review of the movie. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, after I'm finished with Sequelitis Month, which movie or TV show should I review next or should I do a new segment? Here are the choices:
Sean's Story Arc (Beetleborgs: Beetle Rock Parts 1 and 2)
Kim Possible (2019)
Billy Madison
What the Hell Were They Thinking?: Miami Vice Season 4
Which one would you like for me to do next? Feel free to leave a comment. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.