The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic.Sequelitis Month comes to an end when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1989 sequel Ghostbusters II and sees how well it holds up in thirty years and asks if it's a sequel people wanted or just a shameful cash grab. So here it is, the review of Ghostbusters II for The Mayhem Critic's Sequelitis Month. Sit back, grab yourself a can of Mountain Dew Game Fuel and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Ghostbusters II is owned by Columbia Pictures.
Sequelitis Month Part V: Ghostbusters II
It was a wonderful afternoon for everyone's favorite critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as he is seen sitting on his couch in his living room with a look of excitement on his face.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one…." Sean said and squeaks in excitement. "And we're almost done, we're almost done! Sequelitis Month is almost done!"
(The intro to Sequelitis Month is shown. Once again, the announcer says "What time is it? It's sequel time!", then we get a photo of Sean with a look of joy and happiness on his face and a voiceover of him saying "Hallelujah!".)
"And I only have one more movie to review, just one more! And who knows? Maybe it'll be good! I have sat through shitty sequel after sequel after sequel after sequel. Besides, it could be something that I really enjoy…." Sean said.
(The title card for "Ghostbusters II" is shown)
"YEAH, BABY!" Sean yelled out as he imitates Ash from Army of Darkness.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah. Now, we're talking. Ghostbusters II, the sequel to the 1984 box-office hit, was released in theaters on June 16th, 1989. People who were involved in the first film came back for this one. Ivan Reitman came back to direct and produce the film, Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd wrote the screenplay. And our stars came back as well: Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson and Annie Potts. The film was met with less than flattering reactions when it was released in theaters thirty years ago and both audiences and critic didn't care for it. Hell, Siskel & Ebert didn't care for it.
(Siskel & Ebert's review of Ghostbusters II is shown)
Gene Siskel: (On Ghostbusters II) It's a major disappointment and what's so surprising is that the film contains little comic energy or invention, it looks as if the filmmakers, particularly the writers didn't try to do anything special.
Roger Ebert: I agree with you completely, this movie is a total disappointment. No thought went into it, no effort went into it, there's no comedy in it.
"I'm sorry if I'm gonna speak ill of the dead but Siskel and Ebert are fucking idiots for hating on this movie." Sean said.
(More clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I completely disagree with Siskel and Ebert. The film is not a complete disaster. Look, just because it's not as good as the first one doesn't make it a bad movie. The movie is a TON of fun. People claim that the film is a complete carbon copy of the original film. So? Home Alone 2 was the same as the first film but instead of the boy being home alone in a house, he's alone in New York. Die Hard 2 was the same as the first film but instead of the cop taking on terrorists in a high-rise in L.A. on Christmas Eve, he's taking on terrorists at an airport in Washington D.C. on Christmas Eve. Also, what's different with this one is that it is family-friendly than the last one. I guess because kids watched the original film and The Real Ghostbusters, the execs up at Columbia pictures thought that for the sequel, it should be aimed more towards children. So, that means we don't see any of the Ghostbusters smoking cigarettes and I don't remember that much cursing in the last film.
(Clips from Ghostbusters is shown, with a montage of the characters cursing)
Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): This man has no dick.
Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): Shit!
Dr. Raymond Stanz (Played by Dan Aykroyd): The explosion was caused by dickless here.
Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson): Oh, shit!
Dana Barrett (Played by Sigourney Weaver): Oh, shit.
Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!/Mother pus bucket.
"Hey, that one doesn't count." Sean points at the camera. "But still, when we watched the original film as kids, we were cursing like a bunch of little bastards. But the film was PG."
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I like this sequel, I have a few complaints about it and trust me, we'll get to them.
"So, is the movie a disappointment it deserves to be or is it an underrated sequel just like The Fly II? Well, let's strap on our proton packs because if it's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannister.
"Don't tempt me, Bronn." Sean said as he picks up a crossbow. "This is Ghostbusters II."
(The movie starts as we see the short version of the Columbia Pictures logo before the movie starts)
Sean: (Narrating) So, we get our short version of the Columbia Pictures logo without the Torch Lady blinding us with the light from her torch, we open the film with….
(The movie starts with the caption in Helvetica Bold font white text "5 Years Later" appearing on a black screen to a dramatic sting)
"Really? Are you really going to start this film off with '5 Years Later'?" Sean asked, looking uninterested.
Sean: (Narrating) Looks like they starting off with this. I mean, can you imagine me starting my reviews off with the words '5 Years Later'?
"You know what, I'm gonna go down to Wendy's and get myself a classic triple with a large fry and a large Sprite. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of his couch and heads out of the house.
5 Years Later
Sean returns with his food from Wendy's and sat back down on the couch. "Whew, boy. It felt like a long time."
Sean takes a bite out of his sandwich and picks up the TV Guide to read an article that says "American Housewife Ends On It's Ninth and Final Season".
"What the hell? American Housewife is on it's ninth and final season? What the hell did I miss?" Sean asked.
"Well, Taylor and Trip got married in season eight. She's Taylor Otto-Windsor." Brian said.
"I missed Trip and Taylor's wedding?!" Sean exclaimed. "All I did was to get some food from Wendy's and I was out for five years?! I don't believe it!"
Sean: (Narrating) We see some pink slime oozing out of a crack of the street until we see wheels of a baby carriage trail through it, with some whimsical music from composer Randy Edelman. Easy on the whimsical Edelman. Save it for Billy Madison and Beethoven. We see that the mother who's pushing her baby in a stroller is none other than Dana Barrett, once again played by Sigourney Weaver. We see that she has a baby named Oscar played by William T. Deutschendorf and his twin brother the late Henry Deutschendorf.
"Wait, Venkman and Dana got married and they both have a little baby boy named Oscar. Oh, that's great. I knew that those two were gonna spend the rest of their lives with each other." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A text that reads "They're not together. She married another guy.", appears on the screen as Sean looks down and reads it.)
"Oh, you are scum, Reitman." Sean said as his smile fades away.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Venkman and Dana split, she married another guy and got a kid until he left, so she's a single mother. Anyway, right when Dana is about to enter her apartment to put her groceries away, the baby carriage with Oscar in it starts rolling away by an unseen force.
Dana Barrett: (Chasing after Oscar's carriage) That's my baby! Watch out!
"Well, that's one way to start a movie aimed for children, put a child's life in danger." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of putting babies in danger, Oscar's carriage gets rolled into a busy intersection, but Dana manages to catch up with the carriage before her baby turns into street pizza.
"Hmm, I wonder what would happen if she didn't catch her baby in time?" Sean asked.
(The scene plays showing Oscar's carriage being pushed into a busy intersection, a bus appears and it cuts to black right when we hear a crashing noise and Dana screaming "Noooooo!")
We cut back to Sean, who has a shocked look on his face while staying silent for a bit.
"Ooookay, that was a bit dark. Let's never do that again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Dana catches up to her baby, we get our opening titles. And this is what I like about this movie, we get the Ghostbusters II logo instead of the name of the movie being shown. After the logo is shown, we see Ecto-1 driving through the city and we see two of the Ghostbusters, Stanz and Zeddemore, once again played by Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson, as they take care of their big emergency: entertaining kids at a birthday party.
Brownstone Mother (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): Hey, kids, listen up! Listen up! Look who's here!
"So, that's their big emergency? Entertaining kids at a birthday party? What? Was Bozo the Clown not available?" Sean asked.
Brownstone Boy #1 (Played by Christopher Villasenor): Aw, I thought it was gonna be He-Man.
Other Kids: Yeah!
"That's great. Start off your film with kids hating you for a film aimed for children. And second, He-Man? He's not that popular after Masters of the Universe came out in 1987, and that movie bombed! You want to know what was popular at that time? Ghostbusters." Sean said as a picture of Filmation's Ghostbusters is shown. Sean turns around and looks at the photo, making a disgusted face as he pushes it out of the way and picks up a photo of The Real Ghostbusters. "I meant The Real Ghostbusters!"
Jason (Played by Jason Reitman): You know, my dad says you guys are full of crap.
Jason's Mom (Played by Cibby Danyla): Jason, hush!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, some people have trouble believing in the paranormal.
Jason: No, my dad says you guys are full of crap and that's why you went out of business.
"That's easy for you to say. Your dad directed this movie, you little bastard. And you're working on the new Ghostbusters movie. Talk about the sins of the father." Sean said mentioning the film's director Ivan Reitman and his director son Jason Reitman. "And yes, that's Jason Reitman, Ivan Reitman's son."
Sean: (Narrating) So, why did the Ghostbusters go out of business? Why are everybody hating them and how come they're performing at kid's birthday parties? What went wrong?
Winston Zeddemore: We conjured up a 100-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.
"Damn! No wonder everybody hates them because of the excessive damage they caused to this city. Walter Peck was 100% right." Sean said.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Ungrateful little yuppie larvae.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Dana visits Egon, played by the late Harold Ramis, and talks to him about her story with Oscar's carriage and we see that Egon works in a laboratory conducting experiments into human emotion.
"If you want to conduct experiments into human emotion, you should let them play Cuphead. You'll see some real human emotion from people." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And since it's a movie for the kiddies, we gotta pause for a moment just to see a little girl holding a puppy.
Audience: Awwww!
Dana Barrett: Isn't that sweet.
(The girl hugs the puppy)
"And by the way, that's Ivan Reitman's daughter and future crazy cat lover Maureen Ponderosa star Catherine Reitman. Because since this is an Ivan Reitman film, he's gotta put his children in his movies. Ivan, you're my favorite director and all but please don't act like Francis Ford Coppola." Sean said.
Dr. Egon Spengler: (To his assistant) Let's see what happens when we take away the puppy.
"Aww, don't take the puppy away. You'll make her cry. Oh, wait. Give her a cat." Sean said as he picks up Riley.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Peter, played once again by Bill Murray, is hosting a psychic television show called World of the Psychics, where he's discussing end of the world predictions with Sam Witwicky's father from the Transformers movies and Monica Gallagher from Shameless.
Milton Angland (Played by Kevin Dunn): I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end… on New Year's Eve.
"And I'm getting another strong psychic belief that Michael Bay is going to butt-fuck the Transformers movies with it's shitty sequels." Sean said, imitating Milton as he puts a finger to his forehead.
"Dude, I think the biggest issue Revenge of the Fallen had was that damn writer's strike back then." Brian told Sean.
Dr. Peter Venkman: But I think my other guest may disagree with you. Elaine, now you had another date in mind.
Elaine (Played by Chloe Webb): According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th in the year 2016.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Looks at the camera) Valentine's Day. Bummer.
"Close. It was the year when this movie came out." Sean pointed to his right at the poster of the Ghostbusters reboot and we hear someone screaming in the background.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Where'd you get your date, Elaine?
Elaine: I received this information from an alien.
"Frank Gallagher?" Sean asked.
Elaine: He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device, because he forced me to follow him to his room, and that's where he told me about the end of the world.
"So, it is Frank Gallagher who gave her that information." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After his show is over, Peter tries to talk to Mayor Lenny Clotch, once again played by the late David Margulies, but he is stopped by the Mayor's assistant named Jack Hardemeyer, played by Kurt Fuller. He's the Walter Peck of this film. Let's refer to him as Watered Peck.
Hardemeyer (Played by Kurt Fuller): I'm Jack Hardemeyer. I'm the mayor's assistant. I know who you are, Dr. Venkman. (Looks around) I just don't see any ghosts anywhere.
"Yeah, this guy should know about the psychic phenomenon." Sean said, referring to Kurt Fuller as Coroner Woody Strode from the show Psych.
Hardemeyer: Look, you stay away from the mayor. He's running for governor next fall, and the last thing we need is for him to be associated with two-bit frauds and publicity hounds like you and your friends.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You know, I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?
"Well, isn't what people do in politics?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Manhattan Museum of Art and we're introduced to what I have to say is the best part of this movie, Peter MacNicol as Janosz Poha.
"Why? Because if you put Peter MacNicol in your movie or in a television show, it would make it better. Hell, you could cast him as the Mad Hatter in the Batman: Arkham games. That would be awesome!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of Peter MacNicol is shown along with a photo of the Mad Hatter.
Sean: (Narrating) This dude is so hilarious, his first line is comedy gold.
Janosz Poha (Played by Peter MacNicol): (Speaking with an employee) Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.
"I don't know what kind of accent he's speaking in but it's fucking hilarious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that he's Dana's boss. So, Dana has went from playing in the orchestra to art restoration.
"What's next? Have her working for Weylan-Yutani in the third film?" Sean asked. "Remember what happened to the last guy who worked for that company?"
(A clip from Alien is shown where Kane gets a facehugger attached to his face)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Peter goes to visit Ray and Egon at a bookstore that Ray owns and he's kept out of the loop on what those two are working on, so Peter interrogates Ray in his very own special way.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Tortures Ray by pulling on his ears) Who?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: (Groans in pain) I can't! No, no, no! No, I can't, I-
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes you can, yes you can! Who?!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Nobody, nobody!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Can you tell me now?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Aggh!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Now?!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Dana Barrett!
"Kind of reminds me of me and my friend Geoffery every time he tends to torture me by pulling on my ears. Hmm? Why am I having some déjà vu?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, as they arrive at Dana's apartment, she tries to fend off Venkman's advances while they have their lukewarm reunion.
Dana Barrett: Hello, Peter.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Trying to sound sexy) Hello, Dana.
"Okay, how long until these get back together? Just say that they're going to get back together, movie. Old feelings are gonna resurface and they're gonna fall in love again. They're like Haleb from Pretty Little Liars." Sean said as a photo of Hanna and Caleb from Pretty Little Liars is shown. "They fall in love, they break up, old feelings resurface and they end up falling in love again."
"Got that right." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, let's work that comedy magic for the kiddies with the baby that the writers added in.
(Ray and Egon do some basic medical tests on Oscar)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Okay. Subject is a male Caucasian, approximately-
Dr. Egon Spengler: (Measuring Oscar) 24 inches.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: 24 inches in length. Subject weighs approximately 18 pounds and is about eight months old. Ocular?
Dr. Egon Spengler: (Shining a light) Pupilary response normal.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Auditory.
(Ray and Egon snap their fingers as Oscar moves his head)
Dr. Egon Spengler: Is normal.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Papilary reflex.
(They tickle Oscar)
Dr. Egon Spengler: Appears to be ticklish.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yep, baby ticklish.
"The Ghostbusters, ladies and gentlemen. While they're not busy busting ghosts, they're entertaining children at birthday parties and playing with babies." Sean said. "Well, Bill Murray is good at improv. Maybe he could be good at working with children. I mean, putting Bill Murray in a movie with a baby is like putting Bill Murray in a movie with an animal."
(The movie poster for the 1996 Bill Murray movie Larger Than Life is shown. The young critic shudders in fear after mentioning the box-office flop.)
"Except for that one." Sean said.
(Peter picks Oscar while humming a tune and swings him around with his hands. Then, pretends that Oscar is eating his nose.)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Help! He's gone completely berserk! Help!
"Well, that was painfully awkward. We went from Venkman being the loveable douchebag in the last film to Venkman being friends with a baby. Was this the Hollywood Sequel Doctor's idea for helping the writers come up with ideas for the sequel?" Sean asked. "Can we move on to something else?"
(We cut to the next scene where Egon and Ray are checking out Oscar's room)
Dr. Peter Venkman: So what, braniac?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I'd like to do some gynelogical tests on the mother.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Who wouldn't?
Sean just looks on at the camera with a disgusted look on his face after what Peter said. "Ewww! This is a family picture! Next!"
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Peter, Ray and Egon investigating where Oscar's carriage stopped on the street by posing as street workers and tearing up the street to see what's under it. Um, quick question: where's Winston? He's a Ghostbuster, shouldn't he join them to help them out? What? Was Ernie Hudson busy with the movie Leviathan at the time? Because that's the same year that movie and Ghostbusters II came out.
"Along with a few other movies that came out that year. Man, 1989 was a good year for movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then a police officer played by Mr. Chopsaw from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, drives by and questions them.
Policeman (Played by Dave Florek): (Questions Egon after noticing him drilling a hole in the street) Why are you cutting?
Dr. Egon Spengler: (As a road worker) Why am I cutting?
Policeman: Yeah.
"Oh, shit. It's the fuzz. Okay, let's use our worst road worker accent as possible just to trick this guy." Sean said.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: (as a road worker) Take it easy. He's been working overtime. I'll tell you why we're here, we're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night. Am I right, Peter?
Dr. Peter Venkman: (as a road worker) Of course you're right, Raymond. Is he right, Ziggy?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Yo!
"Well, at least it wasn't silly as Harley Quinn's accent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Manhattan Museum of Art, Janosz is busy restoring the painting of Vigo the Carpathian, until orange lightning bolts from his eyes and the painting comes to life.
(The painting of Vigo changes to reveal a floating head)
Vigo the Carpathian (Played by the late Wilhelm Von Homburg. His voice is dubbed by the great Max Von Sydow): Listen to me.
Dr. Janosz Poha: What?! Who?!
"All of a sudden, Vigo is just a creepy floating head. You have the 3D Mario head from Super Mario 64, the CGI floating head of Felix the Cat from Felix the Cat: The Movie, James Stewart's floating head from Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo and Andross from Star Fox. Vigo's floating head is in the Creepy Floating Heads Club." Sean said as a photo of Vigo and other characters floating heads that he mentioned are shown with a clubhouse.
Sean: (Narrating) What I also like about this movie is that it has an awesome villain. This is Vigo the Carpathian, a 16th century tyrant trapped in a painting. He's played by the late German actor/boxer Wilhelm Von Homburg, who you might recognize him as James, one of the terrorists who got blown up by C4 explosives dropped by Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
Vigo the Carpathian: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, command you.
"Vigo the Dracula?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, that's not his actual voice. That's Max Von Sydow doing the voice of Vigo. (A photo of Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin in The Exorcist is shown). Here's a fun fact, Vigo's voice was dubbed by Sydow in the finished movie, and when Von Homburg saw what had happened, he stormed out of the screening.
"Why did he storm out of the screening? Well, you saw the video of the actor as Vigo the Carpathian when the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie, let's just say that they made the right choice with Sydow and when you watch the behind the scenes video the actor reciting lines, it's fucking hilarious. Plus, I was reading about Wilhelm Von Homburg's weird, disturbing life, I read that in an interview with sports website Deadpan, executive producer Michael C. Gross called Von Homburg, he said and I quote, "a crude, bigoted asshole.". Damn! Was he that difficult to work with? I know that the relationship between Bill Murray and Harold Ramis soured while filming the movie but this guy was just a dick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Vigo orders Janosz to find him a child so that he might live again.
"A child? Why inhabit the body of a child so he can live again? Why does this all sound too familiar?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Child's Play is shown)
Chucky (Voiced by Brad Dourif): I got a date with a 6-year-old boy.
"Oh, God! They're ripping off Child's Play, but instead of a killer doll swapping souls with a little boy, you have a painting trying to possess an adorable little baby." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's check back in with the Ghostbusters, where Ray is being lowered under the city, only to come across a river of…
Dr. Raymond Stanz: SLIME!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's a river of slime!
"A river of pink slime. Where the hell did it come from?" Sean asked. "Did a unicorn vomit in the sewers or is it just Mr. Bubble's splooge?"
Sean: (Narrating) But as the cops and a worker from Con Ed catch on to the Ghostbusters lies, Ray tries to get a sample until he gets attacked by the slime.
"Ugh, slimed again." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter and Egon manage to pull him up and Ray accidentally causes a blackout by breaking a pipe which causes it to crash into a power wire.
(After the pipe crashes into a power wire, we see First Avenue goes dark, then we cut to the New York City skyline and everything goes dark as well.)
"Oh, man. I hate to be the poor guy who's sitting in his apartment when that blackout happened. Who knows what he was going to do." Sean said.
(The scene where Ray accidentally causes a blackout is shown, then we get a cutaway gag where we see Sean on his laptop in his room looking up some pornographic material.)
Sean: (On his laptop) Alright, time for some Brazzers fun. Ooh, a hot girl on girl video with Kimber Veils and Kira Noir. (Grabs some Lubriderm lotion) Time to have some fun.
(All of a sudden, the power goes out)
Sean: (Yells) Oh, come on!
Sean: (Narrating) And because of their actions, our heroes get arrested and sent to court where we see a judge, played by Harris Yulin from Scarface and Clear and Present Danger, tackling their case.
Judge Stephen Wexler (Played by Harris Yulin): Before we begin this trial I want to make one thing very clear. The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts. I don't believe in them either. Don't wanna hear a lot of malarkey about goblins and spooks and demons. We're gonna stick to the facts in this case and leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?
"I'm sorry, what were they sued for again?" Sean asked.
(A previous clip is shown)
Winston Zeddemore: We conjured up a 100-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.
"And you say that the law does not recognize the existence of ghosts?" Sean asked.
"Wish the executives hadn't ruined this, it was supposed to be a lot different." Brian said.
"You idiots do know what you saw five years ago. You saw a bunch of ghosts running wild, a demon from another dimension taking form of a 100-foot marshmallow man who was walking through the city of New York with millions of people running for their lives? Come on!" Sean exclaimed. It's like having Crockett and Tubbs in court and they're getting sued for damages including getting into shootouts with a bunch of drug dealers and a judge saying this to them." Sean said.
(A photo of Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Wexler) I don't believe in drug dealers. Anyone who even says the word "drugs", just erase it from the record.
"But wait, what about Winston? Shouldn't he be with those guys? Eh, screw him!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Since the Ghostbusters are in court for what they've done, they got to have a lawyer to defend them, in the form of their ally Louis Tully, played once again by Rick "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" Moranis, and I have to admit it's pretty hilarious having Louis as their lawyer. Plus, he makes a hilarious opening statement.
Louis Tully (Played by Rick Moranis): Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the- of the audience. I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Okay, so the blackout was a big problem for everybody, okay? I was stuck in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.
(Judge Wexler just looks at Louis while someone in the courtroom laughs)
"Worst. Lawyer. Ever." Brian said.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't look at me, I think these people are completely nuts.
Sean: (Narrating) After Louis' hilarious opening remarks, the female prosecutor played by the late Janet Margolin, questions the Con Ed worker named Mr. Fianella or as I like to call him "Mr. Viennetta, played by Richard Foronjy, about their equipment and then she shows him Exhibit F which is the jar of pink slime.
Con Ed Supervisor: Your Honor, I've been working underground for Con Ed for 27 years. I never saw anything like this in my life. Whatever's down there, they must've put it there.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: No, we didn't!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Ray. Ray.
Judge Stephen Wexler: (Slams his gavel) Shut up!
"I'd do what he says, Ray. The dude used to be a crooked cop affiliated with a drug lord named Frank Lopez." Sean said making a reference to the 1983 film Scarface.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's Venkman's turn to testify. But first, Louis examines Peter and Peter starts feeding his lawyer words.
Louis Tully: So you were just trying to help- -
Dr. Peter Venkman: Help out a friend.
Louis Tully: Help out a friend
Dr. Peter Venkman: Who was frightened.
Louis Tully: Who was scared. Or what's happened to her. And when you're scared—what?
Dr. Peter Venkman: There was no evil- -
Louis Tully: There was no evil intended. No malice. Because you live here. When you live in a place and you love it like you do, you don't want nothing bad to happen.
(Peter mumbles)
Louis Tully: What?
Dr. Peter Venkman: It was a one-shot…
Louis Tully: Because it'll never happen again. It's an isolated incident, it's a one-shot deal.
Prosecutor (Played by the late Janet Margolin): Objection, Your Honor.
Louis Tully: What?
Prosecutor: He's leading the witness.
"Uh, don't you mean "leading the lawyer"? God, that joke was so terrible." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, this court does not recognize the existence of ghosts, but it recognize cheering for people who hate you when you make this awesome line.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?
(The crowd cheers after Peter's statement)
"Yay! We suddenly like you now. And you got your line for the trailer. I hope you're happy. Can this line be in the trailer? Please. I want it to be in the trailer." Sean begged.
(A clip from the Ghostbusters II trailer is shown)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Sometimes weird things happen, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown once more)
Bronn: Jaime fucking Lannister.
"Don't ruin this moment, Bronn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the judge finds them guilty on all charges, and his angers seems to get a strong reaction to the pink slime.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: (After seeing the slime bubbling up) Egie, she's twitching.
(The slime keeps bubbling)
Judge Stephen Wexler: (Yells) I'm not finished! (Normal tone) On a more personal note, let me just go on record as saying that there's no place for fakes, charlatans…
Dr. Egon Spengler: Uh, Your Honor…
Judge Stephen Wexler: Shut up! Tricksters like you in decent society.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Your Honor, this is important.
Judge Stephen Wexler: You play on the gullibility of innocent people.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yes, sir.
Judge Stephen Wexler: Be quiet!
"Your Honor, they're trying to warn you about the slime. I suggest that you shut the fuck up and listen to them and look at the pink stuff that's bubbling up." Sean warned.
(A clip from Scarface is shown)
Mel Bernstein (Played by Harris Yulin): Fuck you!
"It reacts to negative emotions, sir. Just shut the fuck up!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this slime reacts to negative emotions. And because of the idiot judge's negative emotions, this results in….
(The slime explodes, resulting in two laughing ghosts of electrified humans known as The Scoleri Brothers)
"Okay, say what you want about this movie but I still say that the visual effects still look good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Seeing the ghosts of two dead convicts that he gave the chair to, the judge freaks out and he decides to rescind the order, and the Ghostbusters are back in action to capture the dead Beagle Boys from Oz.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You know, it's been a couple of years since we used this stuff. I hope it still works.
Dr. Egon Spengler: It should. Power cells have a half-life of 5000 years.
"Uh, I suggest that you try it out to see if it still works. I mean, you do not want to cause a nuclear explosion. Eh, who am I kidding? It'll be fine." Sean said.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Charges his pack) Do…
Dr. Raymond Stanz: (Charges his pack) Re…
Dr. Egon Spengler: (Charges his pack) Egon!
(Peter then gives Egon a look)
Sean: (V/O as Peter) Seriously? You had to say your name just because Ray said "Re". That's just dumb…
Brian: (V/O as Egon) Don't judge me. I'm the only one that's funny.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we're about 35 minutes into the film and we see the Ghostbusters busting ghosts again. And I have to admit, it's pretty cool and the scene where they catch the Scoleri Brothers in the courtroom is one of my favorite scenes from the whole movie. But I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to nitpick about it but we had to wait so damn long just to see them busting ghosts again. But enough about me nitpicking, our three heroes finally capture the ghosts and say this awesome line.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Two in the box!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Ready to go!
Dr. Peter Venkman: We be fast…
Peter, Ray and Egon: And they be slow!
"We like to rhyme. We like rhymes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After they nab the ghosts, the city cheers for the Ghostbusters and they're in love with them again. Then we get a montage of the Ghostbusters back in action as they get the business back and dealing with other paranormal activities roaming around New York and we see that Janine, once again played by Annie Potts, is back for the ride.
Janine Melnitz (Played by Annie Potts): Ghostbuster. Yes, we're back.
Sean: (Narrating) And during the montage, we're treated with a Ghostbusters rap performed by Run D.M.C.
(During the montage, we hear Run D.M.C.'s rap version of the song Ghostbusters)
"Yeah, this is much better than Fall Out Boy's version of Ghostbusters." Sean said as Fall Out Boy's version of the Ghostbusters theme starts playing. "OH, GOD! TURN IT OFF!"
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, since they're doing a montage like in the first film, they got to do a commercial. Because, first movie did it.
(A commercial plays on TV, showing all four Ghostbusters while Dana watches and feeding Oscar)
Dr. Peter Venkman: What? Hold on. Half-price? Have we all gone mad?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I guess so, Pete. Because that's not all. Tell them, Egon.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Oh, you mean the Ghostbusters hot-beverage thermal mug and free balloons for the kids?
(Dana laughs)
"Oh, make sure you sell some Ghost Blaster toys for Hardee's for the kiddies. Make sure you collect them all." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A clip from the Hardee's commercial promoting Ghostbusters II is shown)
Manager: I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Sean: (Narrating) After that montage, we see the Ghostbusters experiment with the pink slime by yelling at it and seeing how it reacts to negative emotional states, simply calling it mood slime.
Dr. Egon Spengler: We've been running tests to see if we can get an equally strong positive reaction.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What kind of tests?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, we sing to it, and we talk to it, ans say supportive, nurturing things to it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray?
(Ray looks at Egon. Egon looks away and there's an uncomfortable silence as Winston and Venkman look at Egon as well.)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, you.
Winston Zeddemore: It's always the quiet ones.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You hound.
"Oh God. I do not want the image of Egon having sex with the pink slime burned in my memory. It'll scar me for life." Sean shuddered in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about having sex with slime, they perform another experiment on the slime like putting some ooze in the toaster and making it dance to Jackie Wilson's Higher and Higher.
"I'm not kidding! They make a toaster dance to Jackie Wilson." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
(The toaster starts dancing to Jackie Wilson's Higher and Higher, amusing the Ghostbusters)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Shake it up!
(The toaster spits out toast as Egon catches it and stops the music)
"Okay, who came up with this idea? Was it the Hollywood Sequel Doctor's idea to put the dancing toaster in the movie? I bet you he was speaking to Ivan Reitman and the execs at Columbia Pictures while they were coming up with ideas for Ghostbusters II." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, at least they didn't stick a knife in the toaster. Unlike some people.
(A clip from the RackaRacka video Guy Puts Knife in a Toaster is shown, showing Danny sticking a knife into a toaster, causing the toaster to explode)
Dr. Peter Venkman: (After pulling a prank) Oh, did you ever go for it! The old man-eating toaster bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at the Manhattan Museum of Art, Dana is about to restore a painting until she notices something about the Vigo painting, which freaks her out.
(Vigo smiles at Dana. Dana turns around and sees the painting smiling at her. This freaks her out as she walks away from it)
"Whoa, go back." Sean said as he picks up the remote and plays back the footage, only to see Vigo smiling, realizing what he was doing. "Okay, he was doing the Elvis lip. I'm not kidding, he was doing the Elvis lip just like he was doing on the NES game. You know what I'm talking about. Right after the player dies, you get the game over screen and you see Vigo doing the Elvis lip."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, time for some of that Peter/Dana romance you've been craving for.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're good, pretty eyes.
Dana Barrett: I didn't paint it. I'm just cleaning it. It's a Gauguin.
"Okay, we get it. You two are going end up together again. You still have that spark for each other. God, why bother redoing the romance again?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Janosz arrives to see who's hitting on this pretty lady that he has a creepy crush on and Peter introduces him to Janosz.
Dr. Janosz Poha: Quite enjoy. You're not here on business, I hope?
"What kind of Eastern European accent is that? It's hilarious!" Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Dana is about to give her son Oscar a bath, then she gets another paranormal encounter. Either that or there's something wrong with the plumbing in her apartment.
(Pink ooze comes out of the water faucet and forms into a living thing. Dana picks up Oscar and turns around. The mass of pink ooze reaches for Oscar and attacks. Dana screams and runs out of the bathroom)
"Hmm, I don't know. That was looking a bit too silly looking. I mean, are they going for scary like The Blob '88 or silly scary like a Pepto Bismol blob puppet trying to attack a mother and her baby. And what's taking Vigo so long to catching this kid? He's sure taking his sweet-ass time trying to get Oscar. Hell, a few scenes ago…" Sean said.
(We cut to a scene where Janosz visits Dana at her apartment)
Sean: (Narrating) He sent Janosz over to Dana's apartment during the blackout but Dana wouldn't let him in. Uh, couldn't he just possess Janosz's body and try to take over the world instead of trying to possess a little baby?
"That plan could go so much faster!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Seeking safe haven, Dana drops by Venkman's apartment, who's sleeping on the couch.
"Doesn't he have a bed?" Sean asked. "And a quick question: how could he afford a place like this? A place that big?! What? Is it money from Public Access TV and ghostbusting gets you a New York apartment like that?!" Sean asked. "Not one person could get an apartment like that!"
Sean: (Narrating) She tells Peter about what happened back at her apartment, involving the pink ooze. And then we get more of that baby humor from Bill Murray.
Dr. Peter Venkman: (Taking out a sweatshirt) I have been holding onto this for a long time, Oscar. I got this from a girl who got this from Joe Willie Namath. Okay. We don't know how, we don't want to know. (Makes a diaper out of his sweatshirt)/Oh. Look at him, look at him, oh, look at this guy/Oh, he's a coconut, this guy.
"Don't you just love this movie's baby humor?" Sean asked. "Only for the kiddies."
Dr. Peter Venkman: (To Oscar as he points a finger at him) You're short, your bell button sticks out too far and you're a terrible burden on your poor mother.
"And he's putting him down! Get it?! He's putting him down!" Sean starts laughing loudly and sarcastically from that terrible baby joke. "Fuck! That joke was terrible! Movie, I love you but you need better jokes."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Ghostbusters meet up at the museum and we learn some information about Vigo the Carpathian.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.
Dr. Peter Venkman: A hundred and five years old. He hung in there, didn't he?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: And he didn't die of old age, either, He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ouch.
"Oh, please. I've been shot, I've been stabbed, I've been trampled over by buffalo. Okay, I lied. But in the history of the reviews I do, I tend to get shot at and struck by lightning and beat up." Sean said.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised and Vigo the Unholy.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?
"He was also known as Vigo the Dracula." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But a certain art restoration expert tries to stop them from trying to examine the Vigo but fails to do so. They analyze the painting and all of a sudden, Vigo seems to possess Ray for some odd reason.
(While Peter is taking photos of the painting, Ray is looking at Vigo's eyes. His eyes turn red, then blue again as Ray stares in disbelief.
"Which brings me to this part. In the original script, it had Ray driving the car in rage, almost killing them all. Which explains this weird edit from the comeback montage." Sean said.
(We cut back to the montage, showing Ray driving Ecto-1, drives against the red light and almost hitting someone, which confuses Egon and Peter as they exchange baffled looks.)
"And we know why he's giving that look in the original version." Sean said. "But they kept that intact in the comic book adaptation with The Real Ghostbusters."
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Peter's apartment, we see that Peter sees that Dana cleaned up his messy apartment and asks her out on a date and hires Janine for a babysitter.
Dana Barrett: Peter, I don't think we should go out on a date. You know, I can't leave Oscar in a strange place with a strange person.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Strange person? Janine Melnitz, from my staff.
Dana Barrett: Janine has experience babysitting?
"Yeah, you should see her take care of the last three kids she was babysitting for this couple from Texas." Sean said, referencing Young Sheldon.
"She didn't do that bad." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, by the way. Louis and Janine are a thing. Since people want to keep shipping Peter and Dana, they want to ship Louis and Janine as well. Wait, wasn't she in love with Egon? But it's suddenly Seymour that she's attracted to.
Louis Tully: Do you wanna have something to eat with me?
"Seriously, people shipping Louis and Janine is like shipping Veronica and Reggie from Riverdale." Sean said as a photo of Reggie and Veronica kissing is shown. "Oh! Fuck you, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa!"
"What he said." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Ghostbusters HQ, Ray and Egon are examining the photos of Vigo and then we learn the most dreaded thing possible, two New Yorkers like Chicago pizza!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Pizza?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Thin or thick?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Chicago.
"They like Chicago pizza? You bastards! That's like me, a person who lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, not eating LaRosa's Pizza and liking New York pizza. Okay, bad example. Let me try another one. That's like me eating Texas chili instead of Cincinnati chili like Gold Star Chili." Sean said. "People in Cincinnati are passionate about their chili."
Sean: (Narrating) Then, they make a shocking connection to Vigo and the pink slime as the photos catch on fire and locking Ray and Egon in the room. Uh, you idiots do know that there's a water source in this room.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: What are we gonna do, stick our heads in the toilet?
"Dude, bad idea." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Before Ray and Egon burn into a crisp, Winston comes in to save the day. Well, I guess he's back from starring in Leviathan. I wonder what one-liner he's going to say….
(We jump cut to a view of the New York skyline at night with a peaceful score)
"Again, don't you just love how Randy Edelman's music score. We went from people almost dying." Sean said.
(The previous scene plays, showing Egon and Ray in danger with an intense music score)
Dr. Egon Spengler: (Knocks on the door) Winston!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Winston!
Dr. Egon Spengler: That way! That way!
(Winston breaks the door down and puts the fire out as a heroic score is heard before cutting to a peaceful sight of New York City)
"Everybody, let's take time to appreciate how beautiful New York looks. Look, you can see three guys getting gunned down by two guys with uzis in front of a restaurant." Sean said.
(We cut to the New York skyline at night, then we cut to a clip from the Law & Order episode The Torrents of Greed Part 2 from season one, showing the character Frank Masucci and two of his men getting violently gunned down by two hit men while Randy Edelman's peaceful music score is played throughout)
"Gotta love New York. It's so lovely." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Ray, Egon and Winston go underground to go find the river of slime that Ray saw.
"Why couldn't they do that before?!" Sean snapped a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're investigating the tunnel, we get something that would scare the kiddies, which comes straight out of an R-rated movie.
(Severed heads pop up everywhere as Ray, Egon and Winston scream in horror)
"You know? For kids!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face. "In fact, let's play some gory scenes that would fit with this scene."
Winston Zeddemore: Okay, I'm outta here.
(A clip from 1976 version of The Omen is shown, showing the character Keith Jennings getting beheaded by a sheet of window glass sliding off of a truck. Another clip is shown, this time it's from The Exorcist which is the crucifix stabbing scene. Then, a third scene is shown, this time showing the head exploding scene from the movie Scanners. And finally a fourth scene, this time it's the head melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. All fours scenes play out while Ray, Egon and Winston start screaming in horror)
Sean: (Narrating) After that scene that would scar your children for life, the three of them venture on until they hear something very unusual.
(They hear a rumbling noise)
Winston Zeddemore: What's that?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: What's what?
Winston Zeddemore: Sounds like a train.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Probably in one of the tunnels above us.
Winston Zeddemore: I don't know. Sounds awfully close to me.
(The rumbling sound gets louder as they see a light and hear a train whistle, a train comes down the tunnel.)
"Oh, crap! It's the ghost train from Cuphead! Quick, jump out of the way!" Sean yelled out.
(Ray and Egon jump out of the way but Winston just stands there and screams)
"Quick, save Winston. He needs to be in the rest of the mo… eh, screw him!" Sean exclaimed.
(The ghost train goes through Winston and goes away)
Dr. Egon Spengler: I think that was the old New York Central, City of Albany. Derailed in 1920, killed hundreds of people. Did you catch the number on the locomotive?
Winston Zeddemore: Sorry, I missed it.
"I guess the train was just passing through." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad pun. "What? What? Oh, come on!"
Sean: (Narrating) After Ray attempts to do a jump scare on Egon and Winston, they come across the pink slime. Winston tries to get a sounding but ends up getting pulled in, so Ray and Egon go after him by jumping into the Pepto Bismol river to save their friend and….
(We cut to Peter and Dana at the restaurant together)
Dana Barrett: A toast to the most charming, kindest….
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, that's me.
Dana Barrett: That's you. And most unusual guy I have ever broken up with.
"More of this pointless romance. You know, Reitman. You just showed three of the Ghostbusters drowning into slime, then you cut to a relaxing date with Peter and Dana on a date. That's mixed fuckin' signals right there. These tow are dressed up in their finest clothes and they're having dinner at a fancy restaurant and giving each other compliments. Come on! They're still in love with each other. Look, you two are just like Hanna Marin and Caleb Rivers, you're gonna end up together again! Hell, Haleb is better than these two, Haleb have the most steamy sex scenes in Pretty Little Liars." Sean said.
Dana Barrett: Well, why don't you just give me a jingle in the year 2000.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why don't I give you a jingle right now?
(Dana and Peter kiss)
"Just like Hanna and Caleb, you two idiots deserve each other." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Peter's apartment, Louis and Janine are both watching Oscar and after he puts Oscar down for a nap, the two of them have a little moment together.
Louis Tully: So you wanna play Boggle or Super Mario Brothers?
Janine Melnitz: You know, I think motherhood's a very natural instinct. I'd like a child myself. (Crosses her legs on Louis) Would you?
Louis Tully: Tonight?
"Skip it!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Ray, Egon and Winston come from their swim in Ivan Ooze's splooge, Ray and Winston get into a fight with each other.
Winston Zeddemore: Nice going, Ray. What are you trying to do, drown me?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Oh, yeah, Zeddemore, like it was my fault. That you were too stupid not to drop that plumb line!
Winston Zeddemore: Stupid? Hey, you better watch your mouth or I'll punch your lights out.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Oh, yeah?
Winston Zeddemore: Yeah!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, anytime!
Winston Zeddemore: Come on! Come on!
Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's go time, man. I want you bad!
"Wait, what?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I want you bad!
Music from Brokeback Mountain starts playing in the background as Sean starts freaking out. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Turn it off, turn it off!"
Sean: (Narrating) Before things get homoerotic between the two of them, Egon tells them to strip down to their pajamas because the ooze channels anger and they learn that the ooze is flowing to the museum, so they go to the restaurant where Peter and Dana are having dinner to warn him about the ooze, then they get arrested… again. Then, they go see the mayor and (Notices a cameo from Bobby Brown) hey, look! It's Bobby Brown!
Mayor's Doorman (Played by Bobby Brown, credited as Bobby Baresford Brown): Oh, Ghostbusters!
Dr. Peter Venkman: How you doing?
Mayor's Doorman: Hey, guys, come right this way. (He gets the door for the Ghostbusters) Hey, you guys got another one of those proton packs? My kid brother really wants one.
Dr. Egon Spengler: The proton pack is not a toy.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: I guess he's right.
"Oh, come on. He needs it for the On Our Own music video, plus he wants to show New Edition how badass he can be without him because he's got a proton pack and they don't." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, they talk to the mayor about what's going on, because the first movie did it. They tell him that the negative energy from the city has turned into this pink ooze. The situation is so bad that somebody says a swear word.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Lenny, have you been out on the street lately? Do you know how weird it is out there? We've taken our own head count. There seem to be 3 million completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area.
"Well, there you go, parents. Aren't you glad you've taken your kids to see this movie just to hear Bill Murray cuss? They wouldn't let that pass Disney Channel censors." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then they tell him that New York has to be nicer in order to defeat the pink ooze.
The Mayor (Played by the late David Margulies): Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right.
"Well, that's New York in a nutshell. That city is filled with assholes. And the mayor is one of them. I mean, come on. We liked the Ghostbusters because they were assholes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the mayor leaves after hearing enough of their story, Jack Hard-on here is stuck with the Ghostbusters as our heroes come up with a silly name for the apocalypse like "Times Square Slime" and "Slime Square" and what does Hardemeyer do? He has them committed to a psychiatric hospital!
Jack Hardemeyer: The mayor wants them kept under strict observation for the next few days. We think they're seriously disturbed and potentially dangerous.
Psychiatrist (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray): Well, we'll do whatever's necessary.
"Oh, hey Brian Doyle-Murray. Can't wait to see you in the movie Groundhog Day with your brother Bill." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While the Ghostbusters are locked up in a psychiatric hospital, we cut back to the Manhattan Museum of Art, where Vigo prepares his plan to become the ruler of the world and for Janosz to bring him Baby Oscar, Renfield from Dracula: Dead and Loving it has another request, which involves Dana.
Dr. Janosz Poha: I was wondering. Uh. This woman, Dana, is fine and strong. Now, if I was to bring the baby, could I have that woman?
"Wait, why does he need Dana if he brings the baby?" Sean asked, then his eyes widened in shock after realizing what he meant. "Oh, God!"
Vigo the Carpathian: So be it. On this day of darkness, she will be ours. Wife to you and mother to me.
"Oh, man. This have the makings of a really bad 80s sitcom." Sean said. "Tune into Life With Vigo, Friday nights on ABC's TGIF."
Sean: (Narrating) So, Vigo puts his plan in motion as Oscar gets kidnapped to what I could say is the most creepiest thing in the movie. I know that the Nostalgia Critic mentioned this moment and I will too.
(A glowing transparent figure flies to Oscar with a carriage. The figure is revealed to be Janosz, who's dressed as a spiritual nanny. His eyes glow red and creepily grins at Oscar)
"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out as he runs out of the living room.
Dana Barrett: No, no, no.
(Janosz snatches Oscar and puts him in a baby carriage)
Dana Barrett: No!
(Janosz flies away with Oscar)
"Okay, imagine Mary Poppins Returns and instead of Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins you have John Cage from Ally McBeal dressed in drag. That would totally scare the shit out of every kid that's sitting in the theater."
Sean: (Narrating) And to make things even more creepy, let's add Uncle Jeff's laugh from Veep right when Janosz makes that creepy-ass grin on his face.
(The scene plays as Janosz grins, this time Uncle Jeff's laugh from the HBO show Veep is added)
Sean: (Narrating) Back with our heroes, the psychiatrist questions them about Vigo and the slime.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: As I explained before, we the spirit of a 17th-century Moldavian tyrant is alive and well in a painting at the Manhattan Museum of Art.
Psychiatrist: Uh-huh. And are there any other paintings in the museum with bad spirits in them?
Dr. Egon Spengler: You're wasting valuable time. He's drawing strength from a psychomagnotheric slime flow that's been collecting under the city.
Psychiatrist: Yes, tell me about the slime.
Winston Zeddemore: It's very potent stuff. We made a toaster dance with it. And a bathtub tried to eat his friend's baby.
Psychiatrist: A bathtub?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.
"Isn't that what Bill Murray said about this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Dana arrives at the museum to rescue her son, only to be cornered by Janosz's crazy ass and to get herself captured as well. Great plan, Dana. Great plan. Then, the slime starts to rise and ghosts start running rampant because (In a silly voice) FIRST MOVIE DID IT! Aside from the late Glenn Frey's Flip City playing through the scene, there are two funny bits that I like. One, involving a rich woman's fur coat coming to life.
(A rich woman with a fur coat steps in slime, the fur coat comes to life and attack. She throws it off as the coat runs down the street)
"You know what they say "fur is murder"? Well, fur murders you." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) And I especially love this one bit with the Titanic.
(A dock supervisor and his co-worker sees that the Titanic arrived)
Dock Supervisor (Played by Cheech Marin): Well, better late than never.
"Whoa, are you seeing this, man? There's a ghost of a rapping dog coming out of the Titanic and Leonardo DiCaprio. Man, this is some good shit." Sean said, imitating Cheech Marin.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at City Hall, the situation is out of the control and now one knows how to handle it, so the mayor ask Hardemeyer to call the Ghostbusters, but he ends up fucking up when he tells them why they're not available.
Jack Hardemeyer: Well, I had them committed to the psychiatric ward at Parkview Hospital.
The Mayor: You what?
Jack Hardemeyer: They were threatening to go to the press. I was protecting your interests.
"Protecting his interests? Dude, what kind of assistant are you? You put the Ghostbusters away because you thought that they were loony. You could lose your job for that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And he did. The Mayor fires Hard-on, the Ghostbusters are released…. AGAIN! How many times are these guys going to get arrested and released in these movies? While in the meantime, Dana tries to bargain with Janosz to get Oscar back, then Janosz has a crazy proposal.
Dr. Janosz Poha: Marry me, Dana. Together, we will raise Vigo as our son. You know, there are many perks in being the mother of a living god. Sure we could get you a magnificent apartment, car, free parking….
"You know, I have to say this, I think this is a weird plan. And I still think that this is a weird plot to a sitcom. Only it would work for Leon S. Kennedy, Claire Redfield and Sherry Birkin from Resident Evil 2. Leon and Claire can adopt Sherry and they can live in an apartment together. Also, what is Vigo going to do as a baby? It's gonna take several years for him to rule the world. Couldn't he just possess Janosz? Hell, I don't want to mention the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot, but hell Rowan possessed Chris Hemsworth's body and unleashed ghosts throughout New York. You see? Thanks a lot movie, you made me mention Ghostbusters 2016." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Ghostbusters try blasting their way in though the slime shell that's covering the museum, but no use because of the negative energy in the city. If only there's some way to get the positive energy. Like a symbol that could get the goodness of people.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Something good.
Winston Zeddemore: Something decent.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Something pure.
"Brie Larson as Captain Marvel?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not Brie Larson as Captain Marvel. Although, it sounds like an awesome idea. But anyway, they meant the Statue of Liberty. They use the positively charged slime to bring it to life and control it with an NES Advantage controller.
"Why an NES Advantage controller? To quote the Angry Video Game Nerd: "Nintendo ruled the fucking world."." Sean said.
(The slime sparks as Howard Huntberry's rendition of the song Higher and Higher starts playing. The statue's torch explodes and Lady Liberty walks)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Man, I can't wait to see people's faces when we come on shore. This should really get the city's positive energy flowing, huh, Venkie?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Keep kicking, Libby! You make this work, we'll pop for a weekend in Vegas with the Jolly Green Giant.
(The dock supervisor sees the Statue of Liberty walking, he couldn't believe his eyes)
"Whoa! Lady Liberty is alive, man. This is some good shit that I'm smoking right here." Sean said, imitating Cheech Marin as if he's junked up.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Ghostbusters HQ, where we see, ugh, we see Louis trying to be a Ghostbuster. There, I said it.
Janine Melnitz: (After helping Louis put on a Ghostbusters uniform) You look fantastic in this.
Louis Tully: I was born to wear this stuff.
(Louis and Tully kiss)
"Really? Having Rick "Barney Rubble" Moranis as a Ghostbuster. What the fuck, movie? I guess Ivan Reitman was watching that episode of The Real Ghostbusters with his children. You know, the episode where Janine becomes a Ghostbuster after her apartment becomes haunted and there's this demon named Proteus who captures the Ghostbusters and it's up to Janine and Slimer to save them." Sean said.
(We cut to Louis catching a bus and sees that Slimer is the driver)
Louis Tully: Oh, it's you.
(Slimer beckons him in)
Louis Tully: Okay… but I didn't know you had your license.
"Christ, now you're giving Paul Feig ideas for Slimer jacking the Ecto-1." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the city cheers for the Ghostbusters as they see the Statue of Liberty walking down the streets of New York. Because you gotta have something big walking down the street because the first film did it. Uh, yeah. If I see something big walking down the streets, this would be my reaction.
"Oh look, it's the Statue of Liberty, and she's walking down the street…. HOLY SHIT! Shit! Shit! SHIT!" Sean yelled out as he runs off, acting like he's super scared by the walking Statue of Liberty.
(We see that the Statue of Liberty steps on a police car, crushing it)
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Sorry! My fault!
"Well, there's another lawsuit for you. Great job." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back at the museum, Vigo starts to possess Baby Oscar, our heroes arrive and use Lady Liberty's torch to break through the museum's ceiling and deal with Janosz first.
Dr. Janosz Poha: He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!
(Vigo is gone, even from the painting)
"Uh, I think Janosz has been drinking too many glasses of champagne. Can somebody hose him, please?" Sean asked.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Hose him.
(Ray and Winston slime Janosz with the positively-charged slime)
Winston Zeddemore: One down.
Dr. Raymond Stanz: On the ground.
"Oh, great. More rhymes." Sean rolled his eyes. "If you guys keep rhyming, this is going to turn into a Dr. Seuss movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dana gets tied up with a hose while Peter hides Oscar and Vigo is out of the painting. It's the Ghostbusters vs. a 16th century tyrant who lived on a mountain of skulls in a castle of pain and he sat on a throne of blood. This is going to be an awesome battle.
(Venkman and Egon fire their photon beams at Vigo. Vigo deflects the beams at our heroes, immobilizing them as they fall down.)
Winston Zeddemore: That was really stupid.
"You think? Did you think it would be that easy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Vigo finds Oscar and attempts to possess him. But Peter has a plan to stop the evil Moldavian tyrant with Fabio's hair…. And that is doing some shit talking.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Hey, Vigo! Yeah, you! The bimbo with the baby. Anyone tell you the big shoulder look is out? You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal./Tasty pick, bonehead!
"Great idea, just insult the evil force with negative energy. Like that would result in anything stupid." Sean said.
(Vigo shoots a paralyzing beam at the Ghostbusters)
"Oh, God! Bad Carpathian breath! Give him a Tic Tac." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he could possess Oscar, Vigo gets foiled by the positive energy coming from the people singing Auld Lang Syne, weakening Vigo.
Sean: (V/O as Vigo) Damn it! I've been foiled by the power of love!
Sean: (Narrating) This results in Vigo forced back into the painting and yeah, he finds a new body to possess… Ray.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray?
Winston Zeddemore: Ray?!
Egon, Peter and Winston: Ray!
(Vigo takes over Ray's body and turns his back, revealing himself to be a deformed creature)
Vigo: No! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the earth! Be gone, you pitiful half-men!
"Hmm, it's a shame that it wasn't used more in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ray get unpossessed and Vigo's floating head gets sent back into the painting and is destroyed while Louis attacks the weakened slime barrier and destroys it as the crowd cheers for him.
Louis Tully: I did it!... I did it! I'm a Ghostbuster!
"God, you were totally pointless." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! The day is saved, Peter reunites with Dana and Baby Oscar and him and Dana share a kiss. Ray acts a little weird after getting slimed by Winston and so does Janosz.
Dr. Janosz Poha: Why am I drippings with goo?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Hey, man. Let me tell you something. I love you.
Dr. Janosz Poha: Yeah?
Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yeah.
Dr. Janosz Poha: Well, I love you too.
(Ray and Janosz hug)
(A clip from Community is shown)
Senor Ben Chang (Played by Ken Jeong): Ha! Gay!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. The painting of Vigo is turned into a likeness of the Ghostbusters protecting Oscar. The credits roll and we get to hear that awesome song again.
(Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters starts playing for a bit, then switches to Bobby Brown's On Our Own)
"Hey, hey, hey! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.
(The credits continue to play while the song plays)
Sean: (Narrating) You couldn't even give me the entire song? But you play a different song?
"Oh, you half-assed sons of… Okay, to be honest, I friggin' love this song. Hell, this movie has an awesome soundtrack. So, that was Ghostbusters II. It's not as good as the original, but I still find it enjoyable to watch." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie got mixed reviews on the account that it wouldn't capture the magic of the first film. But does it make it a bad sequel? Hell, no. It's awesome! Like the original, it has plenty of funny moments and some spooky moments. Plus, it's great seeing the band back together. Say what you want to say about Ghostbusters II, but one thing you can't deny, it has an awesome villain. Okay, so what if it's not as good as the original but how many movies are as good as the original? The effects are better than the original. As much as I loved the visual effects done by Richard Edlund and his team in the first film, the visual effects are done by Dennis Muren and his effects team at Industrial Light and Magic, the same team who did the visual effects for Terminator 2, the Star Wars movies and the Indiana Jones movies. 1989 was a good year for movies. Hell, it came out the same time as Batman and that movie dominated the box-office. And you want to know what's ironic about that? Bill Murray was considered the role of Batman during the film's development. There were a couple of films that were competing with each other that year. Films like Back to the Future Part II, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Lethal Weapon 2, License to Kill, A Nightmare of Elm Street 5, Friday the 13th Part VIII, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, The Fly II and The Karate Kid Part III. Man, 1989 was one hell of a year! Watching Ghostbusters II again, it has some similarities with The Real Ghostbusters cartoon, it feels more in line with The Real Ghostbusters than it does with the original film. I don't care what people say, I think it's a great movie. There are far way worse sequels out there and this movie does recapture the comedy and scares of the first movie. The movie's biggest crime was not being as good as the original but it doesn't make it a bad movie. Watch the movie again and you'll enjoy it. Don't listen to the popular opinion out there saying that it sucks. Ghostbusters II is coming in at 4 dancing toasters out of 5.
"And that's all for Sequelitis Month. Thank Christ! I got through this month looking at crappy sequels and yet I reviewed two decent sequels. Anyway, next time on the show, I'm going to be talking about Miami Vice." Sean said as he ducks down for cover before bullets come flying at him.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Why am I drippings with goo?
And I'm finally finished with Sequelitis Month for The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed Sequelitis Month and the sequels that I reviewed. Which one is your favorite that I reviewed? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean starts a new segment of the show called WTHWTT?, also known as What the Hell Were They Thinking?. He takes a look at the fourth season of Miami Vice and finds out what went wrong. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If there's any movie that you want me to review, any movie or TV show from the 80s, 90s and right now, feel free to ask. I'll see you guys next time.