The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a look at the worst comedy ever made. And I have one word to say… TURTLE! Yeah, I'm talking about the 2002 family comedy The Master of Disguise starring SNL's Dana Carvey. God, will Sean the Mayhem Critic survive from reviewing this movie or will he lose his mind? Here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Grab yourself a can of strawberry lemonade Sunkist, sit back and relax and enjoy.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. The Master of Disguise is owned by Columbia Pictures, Revolution Studios and Happy Madison Productions.
Episode Fifty-Three
The Master of Disguise
We open with our favorite critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living room with a disgruntled look on his face. His hand is on his forehead and he starts rubbing his temples. He says nothing for a few seconds, then grabs his laptop and starts reading the reviews from critic.
"The worst film ever made: a film about idiots, made by idiots, for idiots." – Alan Morrison, Empire
"An awful, stillborn comedy." – Entertainment Weekly
"You might want to put the shotgun in your mouth." – Peter Bradshaw, The Guardian
"Never have so many jokes clunked off the screen to such a silent audience. And never 80 minutes seemed like such an eternity." – Jamie Russell, BBC
"It is a travesty that this movie has 1%. I love this movie." – Edgar Madking
He looks at the last person's review with a "WTF" look on his face, then reads the last review again and cringes before addressing the audience.
"There is no disguise in the world that can hide how FUCKING SHITTY THIS FILM IS!" Sean snapped at the camera. "Just thinking about that movie brings my piss to a boil and just saying the name of the movie just pisses me off. You see, this is what it's called "Cinematic Suicide". A film that wants to die and tries everything in it's power to die. Today, I am gonna take a look at a movie that's gonna keep me from ripping off Dana Carvey's head and piss in his damn skull. It is a movie that have plagued me since I was a kid. With that said, the movie that I will be taking a look at is a comedy… a really bad comedy. And that movie is called, The Master of Disgui…. FUCK THIS MOVIE! THE MASTER OF DISGUISE!"
(The title screen for "The Master of Disguise" is shown while the song M.A.S.T.E.R. Part 2 by Play and Lil Fizz plays while clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) God kill me. The Master of Disguise was released in theaters on August 2, 2002 from our good friends up at Columbia Pictures and produced by Adam Sandler's production company Happy Madison. Because really, when you think of Happy Madison Productions, you think of hilarious films from Adam Sandler and other comedians that would be really good but really it's big thermonuclear bomb waiting to go off. The film marks the directorial debut of Perry Andelin Blake, who's a production designer for every friggin' Adam Sandler film out there and… (The poster for the 1997 film adaptation of Leave It to Beaver is shown) Oh, Christ. We'll get to that one later. The film stars Dana Carvey, who's going to be Happy Madison's newest victim to their death touch. Look, I love Dana Carvey. I thought he was hilarious in SNL. If you don't know who Dana Carvey is, then let me tell you a bit about him. He was one of the cast members on Saturday Night Live from 1986 to 1993. He's well known for his impersonations of George H.W. Bush and Ross Perot and playing hilarious characters such as The Church Lady, Hans of Hans and Franz and Garth Algar in Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2 with his good friend Mike Myers. He also did a couple of movies that I enjoyed like Tough Guys starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas and Clean Slate. And then he starred in this flaming piece of dog shit.
"Now, I know you're asking how bad is this movie. Well, it got 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, it's that bad! Hell, it's so bad that I got this pre-owned DVD for $14.99 at my neighborhood Blockbuster back in 2003 when I was 11. So, after six years, I am going to exact my vengeance on this movie. So here it is, The Master of Disguise." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, our film opens and we get our opening credits with a pop song playing while showing a flip book of different disguises. Boy, these opening credits suck. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Dana Carvey wrote this as well.
"Okay, let me pull this out." Sean said as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol and sits it on the coffee table. "Continue."
Sean: (Narrating) After our opening credits, we start off with some background text, so the narrator reads it for the audience.
Narrator: Many centuries ago, a remarkable family began to practice the magical art of disguise. Down through the ages they worked in secret, protecting the world from evil. This is their story….
Sean: (Narrating) Then we cut to Palermo, Italy in 1979, where we see a 2002-looking Bo Derek looking like a perfect 10.
Narrator: This is my son.
"What the hell? Bo Derek is a man?! Oh, God. That's it. I'm never watching Bolero again." Sean said as he starts cringing.
Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not Bo Derek. That's somebody disguised as Bo Derek. We're introduced to Fabbrizio Disguisey, played by James Brolin. Fabbrizio is the latest in a long line of secret agents known as "Masters of Disguise".
Man: Fabbrizio, it's time your son is told of his destiny.
"Hey, his son already fulfilled his destiny. He turned half of the Marvel superheroes into dust by snapping his fingers." Sean said, referencing what Thanos did in Avengers: Infinity War.
Fabbrizio Disguisey (Played by James Brolin): This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.
Sean: (Narrating) So, who's his son? Well, his son happens to be the main character of this movie named Pistachio Disguisey, played by Dana Carvey. And yes, that's his name. No, not Dana Carvey, I mean the character that he's playing. That's obviously a ridiculous fucking name. Then, we get an insight on his life and we see him as a kid, played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse.
Young Pistachio (Played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse): Add just a little bit of luminol.
(He pours a lot of luminol in the copper sulfate and it explodes. We see that the explosion made him bald as the students laugh)
"God, I hope that Lili Reinhart doesn't find out about this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Pistachio's mama Mother Disguisey, played by Edie McClurg.
Mother Disguisey (Played by Edie McClurg): Why don't you ask your nice lady friend to come in and I'll make your corned beef ravioli.
"And I'll tell her that you're a righteous dude." Sean said, imitating Mother Disguisey.
Pistachio Disguisey (Played by Dana Carvey): (In a bad accent) Sophia. What an unexpected surprise, love-cake
Sophia (Played by Maria Canals-Barrera, credited as Maria Canals): Love-cake?
Sean: (V/O) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.
Sean gestures his hand to stop and moves it to the side. The movie rewinds and replays Sophia saying "Love-cake?".
"Okay, that was Maria Canals-Barrera from Wizards of Waverly Place playing the character Sophia." Sean said before slapping himself in the face. "What?"
Sean: (Narrating) Two, she's speaking in a bad Brooklyn accent.
Sophia: (In a bad Brooklyn accent) I know we had some laughs at the bar last night, but you're not my type. Besides, I have a boyfriend. So don't call me, okay? I gotta go.
"Three, that's Theresa Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place." Sean said before slapping himself in the face again. "What?! I swear, if Jerry Russo is in this movie, then I'm gonna flip my shit."
Pistachio Disguisey: (While checking out Sophia while she's walking away and sees that she has a big ass) Yes. Something about her reminds me of my mama.
(Sophia's big ass knocks down a sign)
Pistachio Disguisey: Oh, yes. She will be a great cook.
"Oh, great. Since it's a Happy Madison movie, we get a woman with a big ass joke. You know, the last film that I reviewed from Happy Madison involved deer licking shit off of some old fart. Only in a family film from Happy Madison that you see Theresa Russo with a big ass. Also." Sean said as he picks up the remote.
(The scene pauses and we zoom in on a shot of Sophia's big behind)
Sean: (Narrating) I want to take a look at that luscious bubble butt of Sophia's.
"Oh, Theresa Russo! So hot. Want to touch the hiney." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face, then howls.
Sean: (Narrating) So after he finishes checking out Theresa Russo's big ass, we see a boy named Barney Baker, played by Austin Wolff, skateboarding and trips over a sign. And since it's a family film from Happy Madison, Pistachio tries to charm the boy with some of his funny voices to cheer him up.
Pistachio Disguisey: I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture Shrek. You ready? Okay. (Imitates Shrek) Why don't you get away from me, Donkey? (Imitates Donkey) What you talking about, "Get away from you"? I'm making waffles.
(Barney just looks at Pistachio)
"Yeah, here's the thing about Pistachio, he's not that very bright. And seriously? Imitating Shrek and Donkey from one of my favorite animated films of all time. Hey, Mike Myers did a better movie than you, Carvey. He's funny and you're not. Oh, God! Somebody throw a knife at me! Put me out of my misery, please!" Sean yelled out as he holds his arms up in the air as his cameraman Dave throws a knife at the young critic's hand, causing him to scream in pain. "WHAT THE HELL, DAVE?! OW!"
"What? You said for somebody to throw a knife at you to kill you." Dave said.
"I meant that as a joke, you cockgoblin! Jesus!" Sean yelled out.
"Ooooh!... Okay. Sorry." Dave apologized.
"Great, you turned me into Salazar from Resident Evil 4." Sean said while he tends to his hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Here's the thing about Dana Carvey's character, Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy backwards. See, it's not funny voices and faces that make a character, it's a character that makes funny voices and faces with an over-the-top accent that I think that the cast of The Godfather would find offensive. He would find himself sleeping with the fishes with Luca Brazzi.
Pistachio Disguisey: Watch and a-learn, my friend.
"God, somebody put a hit out on Dana Carvey's career." Sean said, as he held up his bandaged right hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from making an ass out of himself from making voices, we see that Pistachio is a waiter and he's clumsy at his job. He's so clumsy, that he carries too many plates around without using a tray. So, the new waiter named Rex, played by Jay Johnston, causes Pistachio to trip and cover a few patrons with food.
(Pistachio lands on the table after Rex trips him, he then sees a group of people sitting at a table who are covered with food.)
Pistachio Disguisey: (Picks up a napkin and starts cleaning the spaghetti-covered man's glasses) Yes, I clean. I clean. Goodbye, gooey sauce. (Picks up some parmesan cheese and starts grating cheese over the customers) Cheese? Yes, I give you cheese. Yes, nice cheese. Yes, cheese.
"And this is the reason why I always go to Olive Garden." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Next, he takes a Texan couple's order and when Fire Marshall Dobbins from Cheers orders spaghetti with some man-sized meatballs, Pistachio starts mimicking him and his wife.
Texas Man (Played by Robert Machray): Am I going to fast for you?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics the Texas Man) Am I going to fast for you?
(The Texas Man gives Pistachio a look)
(A clip from the Cheers season eight episode Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh is shown)
Fire Marshall Dobbins (Played by Robert Machray): What are you doing?
Texas Wife (Played by Rachel Lederman): Are you mocking my husband?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics the Texas Man's wife) Are you mocking my husband?
Texas Wife: 'Cause you better not be.
Pistaschio Disguisey: (Continues to mock the Texas Wife) 'Cause you better not be.
"Looks like I'm gonna have a date with Mr. Jack Daniels tonight." Sean said as he pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel whiskey. "If only they made this scene really dumb by adding a reference to Madonna."
Pistachio Disguisey: But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep, and I'm keeping my baby.
Fabrizzio Disguisey: You're what?
Pistachio Disguisey: What?
"Oh, piss off with that reference to one of Madonna's songs, movie." Sean glared at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) So, right when he's getting some fresh air, Pistachio starts hearing some giggling and finds his lady friend Sophia making out with Rex.
Sophia: Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for only one second, okay?
Pistachio Disguisey: Only one second?
Sophia: I never wanted to go out with youse! I'm in love with Rex, okay?
Rex (Played by Jay Johnston): Yeah, got it?
(A clip from I Love You, Man is shown)
Doug (Played by Thomas Lennon): It was the taste of betrayal, you fucking whore.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Pistaschio's father is taking out the trash after a long night of working at an Italian restaurant, until a bunch of hired goons…
(A clip from The Simpsons season four episode Last Exit to Springfield is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Hired goons?
(Homer opens the door as two hired goons snatch him out of the house, then the first hired goon straightens his tie and closes the door)
Sean: (Narrating) Kidnaps him and Pistachio's mother as well, while Pistachio witnesses his parents getting kidnapped, and this happens.
Pistachio Disguisey: Ransacked! Hello? Police? In my home, it is full of ransackery. Everything different. Where? My name is Pistachio and oh, Mama's cannoli is here.
Operator: Don't call again.
Pistachio Disguisey: Please, Heavenly Father, show me a sign. I promise I will never mock you again. My family is missing and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know…
(Pistachio moves his body in a dizzy style manner until he falls forward to a dissolve transition)
"Yeah, dude. Go lie down. You need a break because being unfunny drained the life out of you. Also, one more thing." Sean said before pointing out. "You gonna eat that cannoli?"
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to…
(A taxi cab drops off a mysterious man while The Exorcist theme plays)
"And they make an Exorcist joke because….?" Sean asked as he throws his hands up. "Why the hell not."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this mysterious person happens to be Grandfather Disguisey, played by the late Harold Gould. He's come to visit Pistachio and to help him get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise.
"Can you disguise him as a funny comedian?" Sean asked.
Pistachio Disguisey: (On his parents' kidnapping) So, I come down from the rooftop. And then I come home and there's no Mama, no Papa, just ransackery.
Grandfather Disguisey (Played by the late Harold Gould): Did you ask Jeeves?
Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, but no such luck.
"Oh, yeah. Remember that Internet search engine called Ask Jeeves? It's now known as Ask. Where we ask Jeeves some important questions. I asked Jeeves if Dana Carvey could make a better comedy." Sean said.
Grandfather Disguisey: When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this?
(Grandfather Disguisey slaps Pistachio three times)
Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, exactly that!
"Alright, here's another problem with this movie and this is a big problem, this is bad slapstick comedy and this movie does a lot. Slapstick is funny because of cause and effect. That's comedy. Also, I want to point out another thing: Dana Carvey making this dumbass smile on his face throughout the whole goddamn movie. Is he trying to be funny? Because he's not. You were on SNL, shit for brains! You know better! It's like somebody pointing a gun at me and just shoots me and nobody ever having a reaction!" Sean yelled out, then turned around only to see Dave pointing a snub-nosed .38 revolver at him, ready to pull the trigger. "What the fuck are you doing?!"
"What? What am I doing?" Dave asked.
"Wha.. what's with the gun? Am I going to make this joke? Do I have to look around just to make sure that you're not trying to kill me, dude?" Sean asked.
"Uh, well, you know…" Dave shrugs his shoulders.
"Get back to the camera." Sean said.
"Alright, fine. Besides, it's just a prop gun, so…" Dave said until the gun goes off, accidentally shooting Sean in the leg.
"OW! YOU MOTHER PHEIFFER!" Sean screamed out in pain. "YOU SHOT ME, YOU BASTARD!"
"Oh, wait. It is a real gun." Dave said.
"Get me to a hospital, you goddamn moron!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Pistaschio's grandfather tells Pistachio about his heritage and the history of the Disguiseys using their skills as Masters of Disguise for the betterment of mankind or some shit. Like using their powers to catch thieves, being the world's first environmentalists and helping Abraham Lincoln to help him get elected president.
(After the real Abraham Lincoln leaves the stage, the fake Abraham Lincoln enters the stage to take over for the real Abraham Lincoln)
Fake Abraham Lincoln: Let's party! Hit it, boys!
(He starts dancing as the song I Like to Move It starts playing and then the crowd starts dancing as well.)
Fake Abraham Lincoln: Vote for me, we'll get funky this year!
"Why couldn't John Wilkes Booth assassinate fake Abraham Lincoln?" Sean asked. "The real Lincoln would've been alive. And were booty songs popular in the 1800s?"
Grandfather Disguisey: It is time for you to find your father and mother.
Pistachio Disguisey: You mean, we will find my father and my mother.
Grandfather Disguisey: Impossible. Sorry.
"And why should I ask like I care?" Sean asked. "Why couldn't you two just work together to help find Pistachio's mother and father? But then he gives us this bullshit reason why he can't help. Would you like to know why?"
Sean: (Narrating) Because the ancient book of Disguiseys, (groans) which is a pop-up book, says he's not allowed.
Pistachio Disguisey: If a father and mother are missing, only a son who has become a Master of Disguise can save them without any direct help from the Grandfather.
"WHY?!" Sean yelled at the camera. "Look, unless your son has a decent amount of I.Q. and is a functionally human being, I doubt that a fucking idiot like this asshat could save his mother and father in a dangerous situation. What if he died?! Do they have to go to an orphanage and adopt a son who can fulfill this stupid rule that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever? But whatever! Fucking film sucks!"
Sean: (Narrating) And what better way for Pistachio to become a Master of Disguise is by having his Grandfather teach him everything he knows how to be a Master of Disguise with all these gidgets, gadgets and different disguises in a montage that's not funny. While all that is going on, we see that Fabbrizio is being held captive by the villain of the movie named Devlin Bowman, played strangely enough by Brent Spiner.
Devlin Bowman (Played by Brent Spiner): Because of you, I spent 20 years in prison.
Fabbrizio Disguisey: What do you want?
Devlin Bowman: I want you to drop your pizza apron become a Master of Disguise once again and help me retain the world's rarest treasures.
"Really? Brent Spiner a.k.a. Bob Wheeler from Night Court a.k.a. Data and Lore from Star Trek: The Next Generation playing the villain of the movie. Somewhere, millions of Trekkies out there are dying from the fact that Data was in this piece of shit movie. Come on! Brent Spiner deserved more than this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Devlin Bowman wants Fabbrizio to become a Master of Disguise again to steal a bunch of legendary artifacts to reestablish Bowman's smuggling ring for revenge 20 years ago and yada, yada, yada evil laughter.
(Bowman gives an evil laugh for about three seconds but is abruptly stopped by a fart sound effect, then silence)
We cut back to Sean, who starts laughing a bit from the film's fart joke. "Goddamn you, movie. You made me laugh from a fart joke that was pretty funny. Thanks a lot, movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Pistachio, we see him and his grandfather continuing their training by disguising Pistachio as an Indian.
Grandfather Disguisey: Good. Who are you now?
Pistachio Disguisey: (In an Indian accent) The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I am Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
"Jesus, fuck!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face. "I don't know who's more politically correct: either Carlos Mencia, Ben Jabituya from Short Circuit or Apu from The Simpsons. Am I the only one that thinks that's racist? Who the hell is this film catering to confused children?"
Pistachio Disguisey: (Speaking in an Indian accent) That is a big reptile. Not a problem.
(Plays Kenny G's Songbird on his recorder to charm the snake)
Pistachio Disguisey: Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now.
(We cut to Pistachio holding a slice of cheese over the snake)
Pistachio Disguisey: Yeah. You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have been taking notes on the scene that I just watched." Sean said as he grabs his HP laptop with a Word document reading "KILL ME RED WEDDING STYLE!" "Yep, that about sums it up here."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Grandfather Disguisey teaches Pistachio how to fight, which means some more bad comedy, so skip that. We cut to Devlin Bowman putting his plan into action by having Fabbrizio disguise himself as Olympic athlete Michael Johnson to steal the Constitution, and then we get this.
(Bowman continues to laugh for eight seconds till another fart sound comes in, he then stays silent)
"You know, movie. You got me to laugh at the first fart joke in this godawful film. Only for that joke to be ruined again. You bastard." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back to Pistachio and his grandfather, he tells Pistachio that he needs an assistant because it's a Disguisey tradition. So, they set up a meeting to see who will be the perfect candidate to be the assistant of the Master of Disguise.
"Can you guess what this scene will be leading up to?" Sean asked.
(We get a montage of Pistachio and his grandfather interviewing candidates to be the assistant while Devo's Whip It plays)
Interview Woman (Played by Virginia Hawkins): Well, I was executive secretary for Jensen and Loeb…
Grandfather Disguisey: Get out!
Interview Woman: I beg your pardon?
Grandfather Disguisey: Out! Now!/(Cut to the next candidate) Get out./What are you doing here?/History!/(Next) Wrong! Take her away. Get out. Idiot! Get out! Freak. Get out! Freak. Get out! Freak. Out! Out!
"I'm sorry, but what was wrong with those applicants? There's nothing wrong with them. Oh, I don't know because the goddamn filmmakers think that a tracking shot is funny. And with all the slapstick they're using, they're shooting a gun without any ammunition. There's just no punchline to it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Barney pops up and it turns out that he has a smoking hot MILF of a mother named Jennifer Baker played by Jennifer Esposito.
"And she's the only good thing about this film. She's smoking hot!" Sean exclaimed. "HELLOOOOOO NURSE!"
Sean: (Narrating) So, they conduct an interview for Jennifer. Sure, she seems perfect and all but there one little problem: her butt is too small.
"Really? You consider this to be a problem? What the fuck do you expect? A woman with the big ass like Gia Derza, Alexis Texas, Lexi Belle, Dani Daniels and Karlie Montana? It's like me having a problem with my girlfriend. I love her but her breasts are too small." Sean said.
Grandfather Disguisey: This cat has claws. Me likey.
Pistachio Disguisey: Me likey too. But this cat's got no Mama caboose.
Jennifer Baker (Played by Jennifer Esposito): You guys know I can hear you, right?
(Grandfather and Pistachio start speaking in Italian as subtitles appear on screen)
Grandfather Disguisey: (Subtitles) Should a Master of Disguise have an assistant with the "tiny butt"?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Subtitles) I agree. Unlike Mama she is "tush challenged." But she has a certain… … "special quality".
(Grandfather sneezes)
Pistachio Disguisey: (Subtitles) God bless you.
Jennifer Baker: (Subtitles which said "Gesundheit") God bless you.
"Oh, God. Why did I talk myself into reviewing this movie?" Sean asked.
Grandfather Disguisey: Assistants fall in love with their Disguisey masters. Can you resist Pistachio?
Pistachio Disguisey: Yes… (Makes a look at Jennifer) can you resist me?
(Jennifer giggles a bit while Pistachio makes a goofy look at her to see if she can resist him)
"God, I am so glad that Jennifer Esposito has done other movies and television shows." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) During their investigation, Jennifer finds a piece of evidence at the scene of the crime, it's a cigar with a Turtle Club logo on it.
"I have a bad feeling about this. This scene is going to lead up to something really stupid and you know what: IT IS!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Jennifer finds the cigar and they see that the cigar belonged to the Turtle Club, we get the notorious Turtle Man scene. A scene that they want us to remember.
"Back then, they used to hype the hell out of that thing back then. It was in magazines, Internet articles. Hell, it takes up space of the DVD cover. You would assume that the people who worked on the film thought it would be really funny and wanted this to be the comedic highlight of the movie by having Dana Carvey looking like what Mitch McConnell look like as a turtle. So… how did it go?" Sean asked. "Just… just watch."
Doorman (Played by Brandon Molale): May I help you? Are you a member of the Turtle Club?
Pistachio Disguisey: (With a Kermit the Frog voice) Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?
Doorman: Is he okay?
Jennifer Baker: He's fine.
Pistachio Disguisey: He's fine. Turtle. Turtle. (He makes a goofy look and shrugs his shoulders so that the suit moves with him) Turtle. Turtle? Not turtle?
Jennifer Baker: No.
Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle?
Jennifer Baker: No.
Pistachio Disguisey: Not turtle.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said with a worried look on his face.
Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle./Turtle!
"This…" Sean said.
Pistachio Disguisey: Terrible, terrible turtle harm.
"Is…" Sean said.
(Pistachio hides in his turtle suit)
Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle!
"Fucking…" Sean said.
(Pistachio bites off a businessman's nose off, only to spit it back onto his face.)
"Ridiculous. Look movie, let me be serious here and I just want to ask, did you think that this would be comedy gold? You want people to look back years later and remember that scene to be funny. Take a look at some of the comedic geniuses of our time: Abbott & Costello, Tom & Jerry, The Marx Brothers, Alfalfa from The Little Rascals, Lucille Ball and Laurel & Hardy and their works. We then get Dana Carvey and Turtle. Genius, sheer genius. God, I want you to die, movie!" Sean yelled out at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Fabbrizio, we see him disguised as Jesse "The Body" Ventura and steals the Liberty Bell for Bob Wheeler.
"While he's at it, he can give us some weird conspiracy theories about the JFK assassination, humans turning into reptilians, 9/11 and the Ape Man." Sean said.
Devlin Bowman: (After Fabbrizio removes his disguise) You should see your hair. You've got serious mask-head.
(Bowman laughs for eight seconds, then a fart sound is heard until he stays silent)
"Joker, take it over for me." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker is shown)
The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): That's not funny.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we learn that Jennifer has a boyfriend named Trent, played by Mark Devine, and she introduces him to Pistachio.
Trent (Played by Mark Devine): There he is. Heard a lot about you, Pistach.
(Trent shakes Pistachio's hand and grips it tightly, making Pistachio groan in pain)
Pistachio Disguisey: How are you?
"Okay, I bet you that this Trent guy is a douchebag boyfriend who's the jealous type and threatens the mild-mannered guy who's a nice guy. I'm calling it. I'm calling it." Sean said.
(Trent grabs Pistachio by his shirt)
Trent: Lay off my lady, you freak.
Pistachio Disguisey: My, you are a touchy-feely guy, Trent.
"Called it! I frickin' called it! He's a douchebag! Why do nice, attractive women fall for guys who end up being a total douche?" Sean asked.
(Trent sees Barney on his skateboard)
Trent: Saved by the uncoordinated little brat. (Let's Pistachio go) Hey, Barn. Grind that curb, buddy. Yeah!
(Barney falls into some bushes as Trent laughs)
Barney Baker (played by Austin Wolff) : I'm okay. I'm okay.
"And laughing at little kids after they fall off their skateboard and calling them uncoordinated. Yeah, she needs to break up with him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's hope that Pistachio doesn't do anything stupid to piss this asshole off.
Trent: You aren't trying to horn in on my action, aren't ya?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent) You aren't trying to horn in on my action, aren't ya?
Trent: What?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent some more) What?
Trent: Are you mocking me?
Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent once more) You're mocking me?
(Trent pushes Pistachio as Survivor's Eye of the Tiger starts playing)
(A clip from Spy Kids is shown)
Carmen Cortez (Played by Alexa Vega): Ooooh, shiitake mushrooms.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Pistachio tries to fight Trent… by showing off his dance moves… what?
"Okay, this isn't funny at all. Trent, kick his ass, please." Sean said.
(Pistachio tries to slap Trent, but Trent grabs him by his wrist)
"Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense with Trent, Jennifer and Pistachio find some information on Devlin Bowman on a site where you can find your classmates, with a not-so subtle quote from him. So, to find Devlin Bowman, they head down to a memorabilia fair, with Pistachio disguised as a lady.
Pistachio Disguisey: (In a British, feminine voice) I knew it was old, you fool. Let me appraise you: You're an idiot. A complete and total idiot. How does it feel?
"Isn't that what I said about Dana Carvey doing this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio and Jennifer bump into Devlin Bowman, who happens to be at the memorabilia fair. And after recognizing Bowman, this happens.
Pistachio Disguisey: Well, you're a tall drink of water. And I just love moisture.
Devlin Bowman: What?
Pistachio Disguisey: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gammy. Gammy Num Num.
Devlin Bowman: (Shakes Pistachio's hand) Devlin Bowman.
Pistachio Disguisey: Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Your desires are perfectly normal, I assure you.
Sean just looks at the camera with a shocked look on his face while he stays silent for a bit.
Pistachio Disguisey: Well, guess what, Backstreet Boy? This is one Girl Scout that isn't content to be the Malcolm in your middle.
"Why are you doing this, man?" Brian asked Sean.
"Why? Do you want to know why? Because I'm a glutton for punishment, that's why." Sean said before looking around the room. "Sorry, just checking to make sure that my cameraman doesn't try to kill me. He already threw a knife at my hand and shot me in the leg. Boy, this review is going to be the death of me."
"Worst. Movie. Ever." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bowman invites Jennifer to his mansion for a party. In order for Jennifer to sneak into the mansion to look for clues, Pistachio has to distract Devlin Bowman, which means it's time for him to use another disguise, this time disguised as…
Pistachio Disguisey: (In a Cuban accent) We're gonna party all night long. That's right. Having fun.
"Al Pacino from Scarface. Great job, Sandler. You're going to make Al Pacino a total fool out of himself with this film and Jack and Jill." Sean said.
Pistachio Disguisey: Say hello to my little friend. (Pulls out a shrunken head)
Devlin Bowman: What is that?
Pistachio Disguisey: Don't touch. See that, my friend? That is a rare shrunken head of a tribal chieftain from the village of Constopolocolus Holiholibosis. (Makes a sprinkler noise with his lower lip moving.
"Okay, I have to admit I chuckled a little from this performance. I mean, it couldn't get any worse." Sean said.
Pistachio Disguisey: Okay, now I'm going to ask you, have you got a little wiener and some tiny nuts?
Waiter (Played by Roger Mussenden): Sorry?
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked with a look on his face.
Pistachio Disguisey: I could tell by looking at you. (Holds up a cocktail wiener and a handful of nuts) You had a little wiener and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
We cut back to Sean after he hears the bad joke. "I think that the movie's bad joke just killed me. Wait, let me check something."
Sean then starts checking for a pulse, then realizes that he has no pulse.
"Yep, I have no pulse. This movie just killed me." Sean said as he collapses to the floor dead, then the screen fades to black.
(A clip from Batman: Arkham Knight is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): (Sighs) Well, that's what I get for betting it all on black.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, back to the story. Bowman's goons find out that Pistachio is an imposter, so he dons another disguise, this time as Robert Shaw's character from Jaws.
Pistachio Diguisey: (Imitating Quint from Jaws) I'm talking about a great white, chief. Two ton of him. Twenty, maybe 25-footer./You ever seen a shark's eyes, chief? Kind of like dolls' eyes, all black and lifeless-like.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, he disguises himself as a pile of grass with a piece of shit for a head.
"What a shithead." Sean said a comedic rimshot is heard in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) A stereotypical German guy…
Pistachio Disguisey: (In a German accent) Hello. My name's Constable Mueller from the Bavarian Tax Authority. Hello. I'm here looking for Ms. Jennifer Baker. She owes a substantial amount of back taxes from her time as an exchange student at the University of Heidelstrudel.
"Okay, does these guards even know what the fuck is up? They never realized this suspicious and obvious person running around in different disguises? What a bunch of idiots." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then he disguises himself as David Niven from a British sitcom that I haven't seen.
Pistachio Disguisey: (In a British accent) She received a letter. Get it? Got it? Doubt it. (Clicks his tongue)
"Hey, we're going to make this a catchphrase for everyone to remember. Get it? Got it? Doubt it." Sean said. "You know, this line sounds so familiar. Wait a minute, that line's from the 1955 comedy The Court Jester starring Danny fucking Kaye!"
(A clip from The Court Jester is shown)
Hubert Hawkins (Played by the late Danny Kaye): Get it?
Sir Ravenhurst (Played by the late Basil Rathbone): Got it.
Hubert Hawkins: Good.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to Pistachio and Jennifer sitting in a tavern together, discussing what Bowman is doing with his father. And oddly enough, with the two of them getting closer and closer to the villain and oh, look! How convenient? It's Jennifer's douchebag boyfriend Trent and he's with Theresa Russo from before.
"Wow! What are the odds of seeing the two of them together at the same tavern? Did I mention that I want you to die, movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyways, Pistachio slaps the shit out of Trent.
(We see Pistachio slapping Trent repeatedly)
Sean: (Narrating) He turns down the chick with the big ass and leaves with Jennifer. Can we check on what the villains are up to right now? Oh, wait. They just stole the Apollo Lunar Module with Fabbrizio disguised as Jessica Simpson.
Fabbrizio Disguisey: (as Jessica Simpson) You're insane! (Removes his disguise) Truly insane.
Devlin Bowman: Am I?
(Bowman laughs for a few seconds before noticing there's no fart after it and sighs in relief. He then turns to Fabbrizio to say something, but is interrupted by a fart sound effect)
"Goddamn you, movie. That fart joke became funny again. I'm not joking, it became funny again." Sean said as he chuckled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Pistachio escorts Jennifer home and all of a sudden, they end up revealing that they have feelings for each other. What a surprise. The hot chick falling for the klutzy guy.
Pistachio Disguisey: Your pep talk has transformed me, my tiny butter-bottom. I mean, Jennifer.
Jennifer Baker: You said, "Tiny butter-bottom."
Pistachio Disguisey: Did I, the future mother of my babies? I mean, Jennifer?
Jennifer Baker: You said, "Future mother of my babies."
Pistachio Disguisey: Did I, fat-cat mama with the red dress on? I mean…
"Oh, for Christ's sake, just fuck already!" Sean yelled at the camera.
(Jennifer kisses Pistachio)
"Or kiss. Right, this is a PG movie for the kiddies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after Pistachio leaves, Jennifer enters her apartment until. OH, OH! BIG PLOT TWIST! SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY DEVLIN BOWMAN! Pistachio contacts his grandfather with the magic, ancient ball and asks him for his help after running out of ideas.
Pistachio Disguisey: Grandfather, you are a big floating head.
Hologram of Grandfather: I'm a prerecorded hologram. What is your question?
Pistachio Disguisey: I have not mustered enough Energico to overcome our enemies.
"Uh, question: when did Grandfather Disguisey have the time to record this message to Pistachio and transfer that message into a magic, ancient ball? And question #2, you're a prerecorded hologram. Why are you providing help? I thought you couldn't do that." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman Forever is shown)
Bruce Wayne (Played by Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Barney shows up to see Pistachio and the little kid is not phased by a giant head floating around in a bubble. He tells him that his mother's been kidnaped and he shows Pistachio the cigar left by Bowman, so they have to come up with a crazy disguise to sneak into Bowman's mansion.
(Barney whispers something into Pistachio's ear)
Pistachio Disguisey: That's crazy. So crazy…
Hologram of Grandfather: It just might work!
(The hologram bubble pops as The Cuteness barks)
"So, what is the next crazy disguise Pistachio is going to dress up as?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio decides to go full on Metal Gear Solid by sneaking into Bowman's mansion to save his assistant, his mama and papa and stop Bowman from auctioning off some of the world's greatest treasures on the Black Mark-eBay. And oh, look. It's Kevin Nealon.
"Alright, Sandler. We get it! It's a movie from your production company and you like to put the people who work with you in all of your movies." Sean said.
White Collar Executive (Played by Kevin Nealon): We at Black Market-eBay has a policy of not asking how items are obtained. But in your case, I am curious.
"He got Catwoman to steal all of the items for him. What do you think?!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Bowman has a plan to get of Fabbrizio by putting on a mask of himself on his head and kill him pushing him off a cliff and making everyone think he's dead. Why?
Devlin Bowman: It's called the perfect crime. Ever heard of it?
"No, it's called the dumbass crime. Ever heard of that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) There are still a lot of treasures to be found and you haven't gotten yet. There's still a plethora of other treasures around the world. Why are you trying to get rid of Fabbrizio so soon? Are you trying to find the Pieces of Eden in America? Oh, Christ. This is turning into Assassin's Creed. So anyway, Pistachio infiltrates Bowman's mansion as a cherry pie.
"I bet ya this is the only cherry pie he's popped.
Sean: (Narrating) He manages to find his way to Bowman and Bowman unleashes a group of ninjas to attack Pistachio. Oookay.
(We see a team of ninjas charging at Pistachio, but he manages to beat them by only slapping them in the face, scaring the rest of the ninjas away)
Devlin Bowman: Wait! Wait! Ninjas!
Ninja: Out of the way! Out of the way!
Sean: (Narrating) Are you fucking kidding me?! He does the exact same move three times and it scares them away. Just ONE MOVE!
"I don't believe it. It's like me trying to use one move to fight off the Phantasm… wearing a tuxedo… with an axe… with a Wahlburgers hat on his head. Excuse me one second." Sean said as he pulls out an uzi and points it at Dave, who's dressed up just as Sean has described. "Try it, bitch!"
"Whoa, dude! Calm down!" Dave explains.
"You're trying to kill me, Dave. If you whack me with that axe, I'm turning you into swiss cheese. Get it? Got it? Doubt it." Sean said, clicking his tongue.
"Sorry, I just proposed to my girlfriend Bridget." Dave said.
"Oh… GET YOUR ASS BACK BEHIND THE CAMERA!" Sean yelled at Dave. "Oh, and congratulations."
"Thanks." Dave said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Bowman has another trick up his sleeve. He's glued a mask of himself onto Fabbrizio's face and brainwashed him into thinking he's the villain.
Devlin Bowman: I was going to throw him off a cliff. Instead, I think I'll have him kill you!
(Bowman runs for the door as he leaves evilly, the fart sound effect interrupts him one-second before the last one cuts him off before he leaves)
"I hate you, movie." Sean said. "THIS JOKE WASN'T FUNNY FOR THE FIRST TIME!"
Sean: (Narrating) But Pistachio manages to get his father back to normal by convincing him that he's now Devlin Bowman, by putting his underwear on his head… and he shakes the mask off of his face…
"It happens." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the movie tries to wrap itself up completely by rushing through information that isn't shown. But, the story is not over yet as we cut to Costa Rica, where Devlin Bowman is hiding out at since he's got the Constitution. Look, I just want to get to the end credits and end this damn review. So, who better than to retrieve this historical document than have Pistachio disguised as the only thing he's really good at doing: imitating Bush. No, not George H.W. Bush because it would involve him vomiting on Bowman. Former president George W. Bush.
Pistachio Disguisey: (as George W. Bush) Now take your time. Now, I'm ready. Say, "Who's your daddy?"
Devlin Bowman: Sir?
Pistachio Disguisey: This is what you're doing. This is what I want you to do. Any questions.
Devlin Bowman: (Realizes it's Pistachio) It's you!
Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio knocks out Bowman with a headbutt after getting the Constitution back. Bowman falls into a pool and we get another unfunny fart joke.
Grandfather Disguisey: Is he dead?
(A massive amount of bubbles come up and out of the pool to a farting sound effect)
Pistachio Disguisey: Bowman, he made the stinky!
Grandfather, Fabbrizio and Pistachio: Who's!... Your!... Daddy!
Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think this movie tries to kill you, the movie decides it just wants to kill our time with the credits. You know for a movie that's one hour and twelve minutes long, the filmmakers wants to give us pointless bullshit in the credits like bloopers, alternate takes and deleted scenes. Isn't it what special features on the DVD are for.
(The movie's credits continue)
Sean: (Narrating) God, can I go home now?
(Pistachio drinks a bottle of Pepto Bismol)
Pistachio Disguisey: I like the juice. You like the juice?
"End! For god's sake end already!" Sean yelled out.
Pistachio Disguisey: (as Bob Ross while painting the picture) There's a nice, cool little moustache there on the big, bald, mean guy's face. That's refreshing.
"End!" Sean yelled out once more.
Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds.
"END!" Sean yelled in a demonic voice, then speaks back to normal. "Look, I'm not going to sit through the fucking credits, I'm wrapping this up!"
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is an unfunny piece of garbage. It's one of the worst comedies of all time and it totally killed comedy! This is a disaster of comedy that I've seen in my life. Everyone in this movie have little to no humor in this movie and Dana Carvey is practically the worse one in the film. With three things: that stupid smile, that stupid accent and doing other impersonations. He should know better
"All I could say is, if you own the movie on DVD here's what you should do with it. Burn this movie. This movie must never be seen by anyone. All copies! Destroy them. If anybody seen this movie, they have to be found and talked to. The Master of Disguise get one turtle out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and no more bad comedies for me." Sean said before leaving the living room until a fart sound effect is heard. "Goddamn it!"
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Turtle! Turtle!
And that's all for the review of The Master of Disguise, one of the worst comedies ever made. I hope that you all enjoyed my review of the movie. Next up, which movie do you want me to review next? Here's some of the movies.
Road House: Sean takes a look at the manliest action movie ever made that gained a cult following and asks does it deserve to get hate from critics?
Left Behind (2014): Sean deals with the worst disaster Christian movie ever made, which starred Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray in the reboot.
Willow: A movie written and produced by George Lucas and directed by Ron Howard. The perfect team-up, nothing bad could ever possibly go wrong. Right?
Batman: To celebrate the Dark Knight's 80th anniversary and the film's 30th anniversary, Sean takes a look at one of his favorite superhero movies ever.
Marvel's The Avengers: Sean takes a look at one of the greatest movies ever made in honor of Avengers: Endgame.
Which one do you want me to review next? It would be either Road House, Batman or Marvel's The Avengers. Feel free to pick which movie for me to review next. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review on a movie with me, feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time.