The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be talking about one of the greatest action movies ever. And that movie is called Road House, starring the late Patrick Swayze. He takes a look at the movie and asks if it deserves any hate from critics. Will Sean defend this movie or will he rip it a new one? So, grab yourself a can of Mountain Dew Code Red and some Doritos, sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. As I mentioned before in previous chapters, all materials belong to their respective sources. Road House is owned by United Artists and Silver Pictures.
Episode Fifty-Five
Road House
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about the topic of today's subject. "Back in the 80s and 90s, there were action movies that focused on one important thing… BEING A MEH-YAN!"
We see a bunch of explosions behind Sean while he grabs a cooked steak that's medium rare with his hands and starts eating it.
(Various images are shown as Sean describes them)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! You all know what I'm talking about. Hardcore action movies filled with punching, blood, gunfights, explosions, tits and EXPLOSIONS! And yes, we've come a long way watching action movies but back in the 80s and 90s, we never talked about ideas and expressing our emotions. We were the manlies manly men ever lived.
(Posters for Commando, Die Hard, Hard Target, Under Siege, Showdown in Little Tokyo and First Blood is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah! We have Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Lundgren and Stallone.
"Yeah, ladies. You bet you could have a female character in an action movie that's tough and developed." Sean said as a photo of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens is shown. "Okay, well you have Sigourney Weaver."
Then, a photo of Bridget Fonda in the John Badham movie Point of No Return is shown.
"Okay, y'all had Bridget Fonda. She kicked some ass in that film…" Sean said, until a photos of Scarlett Johansson in Avengers: Endgame, Jennifer Garner in Peppermint and Brie Larson in Captain Marvel is shown. "Alright! Alright, goddamn it! You ladies have strong female characters who are tough and developed. No need to throw it in my face. Jesus!"
Sean: (Narrating) We were so bloodhungry that our hero was a Vietnam veteran who has PTSD taking out a sheriff and his men and the National Guard and the whole damn town! Yeah, you wish that Zack Snyder and Michael Bay would direct something like this.
(Posters for Zack Snyder's 300 and Michael Bay's The Rock pop up)
Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Fine, those were pretty good.
"And then you have an action movie that pops up and you watch it and then you end up enjoying it for the rest of your life. You have the movie Road House." Sean said.
(The main title for the movie Road House is shown. Clips from the movie play as Sean speaks while the song When the Night Comes Falling From the Sky by The Jeff Healey Band starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 19, 1989 and distributed by United Artists and produced by Joel Silver. The movie was directed by Rowdy Herrington, who directed the 1992 film Gladiator and the Bruce Willis thriller Striking Distance. The film stars Patrick Swayze, who is sadly no longer with us. He passed away in 2009 to pancreatic cancer. He was already a big star with the 1987 romantic movie Dirty Dancing. Back in the 80s, he became popular with the ladies with his status as a teen idol and a sex symbol. He appeared in films like The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Ghost, Point Break and the miniseries North and South and it's sequel North and South Book II. And since this is an action movie, he's going to be playing a tough guy in this one. The movie received negative reviews from critics after it was released. But does it deserve to be hated on by the critics? The film did quite well on home video and it aired on cable television like HBO and Cinemax. The film gained a cult following. Celebrities like Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier expressed their love for the movie. Hell, I even ordered the collector's edition Blu-Ray from Amazon. The movie is so friggin' awesome that Family Guy did an episode dedicated to Swayze where Peter buys a copy of Road House and he gets inspired by the movie.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown, showing Peter kicking and destroying a drive-thru window)
Peter Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Keep the change. (Looks into the camera) Road House.
"That's how awesome this movie is." Sean said. "Well, let's not waste any time. Let's take a look and see if this movie should be appreciated more or be ripped apart. This is... Excuse me."
Sean then gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the front door as Brian's brother Adam enters to ask him something.
"Hey, Sean. I was wondering if I could borrow your Animaniacs DVD for Aaron to watch?" Adam asked until Sean walks over to him and knocks him out with one punch in the face.
"Road House." Sean said while looking into the camera.
(The movie starts with a shot of a club in New York City while Don't Throw Stones by The Cruzados start playing)
Sean: (Narrating) We open up on club in New York City. Sure, there's a great performance from a band and everyone's having a great time and dancing and drinking and… (Sees some attractive looking women at the club) Damn.
"Man, this club have some fine lookin' bitches there." Sean said with a smirk on his face until his girlfriend Taylor clears her throat to get his attention. The young critic turns to his left and sees Taylor standing by the stairs with her arms crossed and glared at him. "I… I… I… I was just kidding, babe. Just kidding."
"Yeah, you better be. Because if you're not, then say goodbye to Sean Jr." Taylor said before heading upstairs.
Sean turns to the camera with a look of fear on his face and gulped before continuing the review. "Let's continue."
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the main character of the movie named Dalton, played by Patrick Swayze.
"And for those of you who want to know what Dalton's first name is…. It's James. His first name is James. It's revealed in the sequel that Dalton's first name is James. You know what, just call him Dalton because they never said his first name in the movie and the sequel sucked balls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dalton is a professional "cooler". In other words, a specialized doorman/bouncer. We see that he's serious about his job and he likes to keep a cool head when he spots an unruly customer assaulting a woman and punching other bouncer in the face.
Dalton (Played by the late Patrick Swayze): I think it's time for you two to leave.
"I think you better do as he says, man. He used to be a Greaser." Sean said, referencing The Outsiders.
Sean: (Narrating) But the customer wouldn't take no for an answer as he tries to attack Dalton with a knife and wants to take him on outside. Dude, are you nuts? You want to take on this tough bouncer out on the streets just to show how tough you are? He'll probably kill you in a heartbeat or just humiliate you.
Brian: (V/O as club customer) If you heard the rumors that I have, you'd listen.
Bandstand Tough Guy (Played by John Oldach): (After stepping outside with his friend) Ok. So here we are, let's go.
Bandstand Tough Guy #2 (Played by Joey Plewa): Come on, hotshot.
Bandstand Tough Guy: Come on! Come on, let's do it.
(Dalton smiles and heads back inside)
Bandstand Tough Guy #2: Hey, moose-lips, get back here!
Bandstand Tough Guy: Dickhead!
Bandstand Tough Guy: (To the bouncers) What are you guys, the Seven Dwarfs or something?
"Hey, just be glad that Dalton didn't kick your asses and made you run home crying like a little sissy. He's known to do that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While he tends to his wound, Dalton gets approached by a man named Frank Tilghman, played by Kevin Tighe. Tilghman is the owner of a little club outside of Kansas City called the Double Deuce and he gives him an offer that he wouldn't refuse.
Frank Tilghman (Played by Kevin Tighe): It used to be a sweet deal. Now it's the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing.
"Sounds like my kind of bar to go to." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Frank Tilghman: I need somebody to help me clean the place up. I need the best.
"I've heard that you're a total sex machine with the ladies." Sean said, imitating Tilghman before looking into the camera. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Tilghman plans to invest some substantial money into the club to enhance his image and needs the best cooler to maintain stability. And Dalton's the right man for the job. So, he leaves New York for Jasper, Missouri. As he arrives in Jasper, he checks out the Double Deuce and sees how shit this bar is. You have some of the employees hitting on sexy babes, getting into fights, dealing drugs. Yeah, not my kind of bar. But hey, at least this bar has a busty hot blonde checking him out.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Hellloooooooo nurse!
Bar Guy: Hey, vodka rocks. What do you say you and me get nipple to nipple?
Denise (Played by Julie Michaels): I can do that without you.
"Sounds like she doesn't take shit from anybody." Sean said.
"My kind of girl." Brian said as Cheryl clears her throat at him. "Oh, hi Cheryl."
Cheryl ends up hitting Brian with a shoe while Sean watches and laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) While observing what's going on with the bar, we're introduced to the Double Deuce's employees, Morgan played by professional wrestler Terry Funk and Carrie Ann the waitress played by Kathleen Wilhoite.
"Who you might recognize her from the Charles Bronson film Murphy's Law, that Bruce Willis erotic thriller Color of Night and for those of you who grew up watching Disney's One Saturday Morning like me back in the 90's, she played the voice of Pepper Ann in the show Pepper Ann." Sean said.
(The intro to Pepper Ann is shown while the theme song plays)
Carrie Ann (Played by Kathleen Wilhoite): I'm Carrie Ann. If you need anything, (taps Dalton's shoulder) anything, you just let me know.
(Dalton nods his head)
Carrie Ann: You got a name?
Dalton: Yeah.
Carrie Ann: Well, what is it?
Dalton: (Turns to Carrie Ann) Dalton.
Carrie Ann: (Laughing) Oh, my God. Shit. I heard of you.
"So? She knows about him. I'm sure a lot of people do." Sean said, sounding bored.
(Dalton hands Cody, the bar's band player, a towel)
Cody (Played by the late Jeff Healey): Thanks, man.
Dalton: Thought you played pretty good for a blind, white boy.
Cody: Yeah, and I thought you'd be bigger.
(They laugh and hug each other)
Sean: (Narrating) And it turns out that Dalton is friends with the Double Deuce's band player named Cody, played by Canadian jazz and blues musician Jeff Healey.
"While I was doing some research on the film, I didn't know that he was actually blind. I read up on Jeff Healey and he was almost a year old when he lost his sight to retinoblastoma. It's a rare cancer of the eyes. His eyes had to be surgically removed and he was given ocular prostheses. I listened to some of his songs and he's a great singer." Sean said.
"Not the best bar, but hey if they can hire a blind guy to play in their band, not bad." Brian said.
Carrie Ann: (To Hank) Hey Hank, you know who that is?
Hank (Played by Kurt James Stefka): Who?
Carrie Ann: Dalton.
(Hank sees Dalton)
Pat McGurn (Played by John Doe): (To Morgan) That guy at the end of the bar is fucking Dalton, man.
(Morgan turns and sees Dalton)
Hank: (To Steve) He killed a guy once. Ripped his throat right out.
Steve (Played by Gary Hudson): Bullshit
"I heard that Dalton once kicked a guy in the nuts so hard that his skull and spine popped out of his body." Sean said before looking into the camera. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and guess what this guy is doing. He's offering these two pervs $20 to kiss his woman's tits. Really? $20.
"Offering twenty bucks to give that hot blonde's tits a squeeze. I'd rather kiss Scarlett Johansson, Elizabeth Olsen or Brie Larson's tits a kiss… for free!" Sean exclaimed. Then, all of a sudden, Taylor shoots at Sean with a crossbow, which misses him and hits the wall. "Um, nevermind."
Sean: (Narrating) And because the guy has no $20 bucks on him, the other guy punches him, then a huge fight breaks out while Dalton watches.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays while everybody in the bar fights while Dalton watches)
"Dude, you're a bouncer. Shouldn't you just join in and break up the fight? Hello." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that big brawl in the bar, some of the employees want to know what the hell is going on and wonder if Dalton is going to help them out or not but Dalton says that he'll let them know. Hey, a bar like that in a hick town, I'm sure they'll need all the help they can get.
Morgan: This Dalton character, what's his story?
Cody: The story is you fuck with him and he'll seal your fate.
Morgan: Yeah? So far he hasn't shown me shit.
"Oh, really? Well, take a look at the last guy who ended up fucking with Dalton." Sean said.
(A clip from Red Dawn, the 1984 version, is shown)
Jed (Played by Patrick Swayze): (Points a gun at Strelnikov) You lose.
(Strelnikov and Jed shoot each other, Jed finishes Strelnikov off with two more shots)
"Never mess with Dalton in a gunfight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton buys himself a 1965 Buick Riviera at a car dealership, then takes lodging at a local farm that's owned by a farmer named Emmet, played by the late Sunshine Parker. Emmet shows Dalton around the house until his peaceful farming life is interrupted by a helicopter flying around, causing his horses to go wild. That helicopter is flown my the movie's main antagonist Brad Wesley, played by the late Ben Gazzara. Wesley…
(A clip from Star Trek: The Next Generation is shown)
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): Shut up, Wesley!
Sean: (Narrating) ….Ooookay. Wesley is a local business magnate and he's also Red's next door neighbor who lives in a fancy house with a bunch of guards. Mr. Burns much, buddy?
Emmet (Played by the late Sunshine Parker): I swear he does that just to piss me off.
"Low-flying helicopter? Sounds worse than when I hear low-flying planes close to my house." Brian said
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Tilghman is showing his employees the designs for a new Double Deuce and he introduces Dalton to some of the workers. And the first thing Dalton does is fire two workers.
Dalton: Morgan, you're out of here.
Morgan: What the fuck you talking about?
Dalton: You don't have the right temperament for the trade.
Morgan: You asshole!
"Whoa, now! Easy, Terry Funk. You don't want to slap him like you did with Jerry Lawler on Memphis Saturday Morning. Look it up on YouTube, that actually happened." Sean said.
Morgan: (To Dalton) You're a dead man.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you have Terry Funk, a professional wrestler threatening Patrick Swayze. Yeah, I would love to see that fight happening. But instead, we get a fight involving Terry Funk and Hannibal "The Animal" back in 2014 during a press conference.
(We see footage from the infamous Terry Funk Incident press conference from Thunder Bay Ontario)
Hannibal "The Animal": (After beating Terry Funk) He ain't nothing! Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, you're dead. I'ma beat the crap outta you, just like I did this piece of crap. Just like… he reminds me of everyone from Thunder Bay.
(Terry Funk hits Hannibal "The Animal" in the head with a framed picture drawing of himself)
Sean: (Narrating) So after firing Morgan and a waitress who was dealing drugs, Dalton lays out a few ground rules since he's in charge of the whole show.
Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One: never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two: take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three: be nice.
Jack (Played by Travis McKenna): Come on.
Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice.
(A clip from Batman Returns is shown)
Fat Clown (Played by Travis McKenna): Penguin, I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't that a little, uh….
(Penguin pulls out an umbrella gun and shoots the Fat Clown)
Jack: Okay.
"Huh?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Dalton: Ask him to walk, be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you. And you'll both be nice.
"But what if the guy tries to attack me with a knife?" Sean asked.
Dalton: Be nice.
"But what if the guy puts his hands on my girlfriend?" Sean asked.
Dalton: Be nice.
"But what if the guy wants to fight me outside?" Sean asked.
Dalton: Be nice.
"What if Willie tries to rob you and your girlfriend and he shoots you dead. What would you do then?" Sean asked, referencing the 1990 film Ghost.
Dalton: Be nice.
"You suck, you know that?" Sean asked.
Steve: I wonder what if somebody calls my mama a whore?
Dalton: Is she?
(The words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen with a pair of sunglasses on Dalton's face while the Ice Cube song Check Yo Self starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's time for the be nice rule to be put to the test as we see that this is going to be a busy night at the Double Deuce with Dalton keeping an eye on things while a certain busty blonde, whose name is Denise, played by Julie Michaels, is busy checking out Dalton.
"Damn, I wish a hot busty blonde would be checking me out right now." Sean said as he turns and sees Oliver's girlfriend Brie checking him out. Sean smiles at Brie, then turns to his right only to his Taylor and her brother Oliver glaring at him, then looks at the camera. "Well, Brie's not a blonde. But that'll do."
"Excuse me?" Taylor asked, giving Sean the death glare.
"I should keep my fucking mouth shut." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the time to be nice starts now, when Dalton sends Hank, played by Kurt James Stefka, to tell a guy to get a woman off of a table so she could stop dancing. The guy becomes unruly and pulls out a knife on Hank, until this happens.
(Dalton approaches the guy and grabs him by his wrist, disarming him. Dalton grabs the man by the back of his head and slams his head down on the table)
Dalton: Escort this gentleman to the door.
Sean looked at the camera with a shocked and surprised look on his face from what he just saw. "Okay, that must've been the most badass way to give a guy a concussion. That dude's probably seein tweety birds flying around his head.
Frank Tilghman: He is good. He's real good.
Cody: The name is Dalton.
(The audience applaud and cheers. We get tracking zoom in shot on Dalton, then another tracking zoom in shot on Denise)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, don't you just love how cinematographer Dean Cundey uses the tracking shot on every scene in the movie. Buddy, you're not working with Scorsese, you're working with Rowdy Herrington, the guy who directed that Jack the Ripper movie called Jack's Back. No need for the tracking shot in every scene.
"I mean, can you imagine me doing a tracking shot in every one of my reviews?" Sean said as Dave does a tracking zoom-in shot on Sean. "Dave, what are you doing? Dave?!"
Dave ends up hitting Sean in the face after moving the camera closer towards his face.
"Ow! Goddamn it! Move the camera away! Move the camera way!" Sean yelled out while holding his nose as Dave moves the camera away.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Steve, played by Gary Hudson, is in the back of the storage room getting freaky with some hot chick like it's a friggin' Brazzers video, until Dalton catches him.
Dalton: (After he catches Steve having sex with a woman) You're history.
Steve: But I'm on my break.
Dalton: Stay on it.
Steve: Shit!
Sean: (Narrating) Well, that's one employee down, now it's time for another when Dalton ends up firing Pat McGurn, played by John Doe, after he catches him skimming on the drinks.
"Hey, you should've see what he did to the beer here. It tasted like piss mostly because he pissed in it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after firing Steve and Pat and seeing that his car has been vandalized by a disgruntled worker, Dalton tries to get himself a good read in before going to bed but he gets distracted by Brad Wesley because he's throwing a party at his house across from where Dalton is staying. Damn, for an old guy who's in his late fifties, he sure knows how to party. The next morning, Carrie Ann goes to visit Dalton with some breakfast and…
(Dalton gets out of bed, naked. Carrie Ann gasps as she sees his bare behind. P.S.: His behind is censored with an image of Patrick Swayze's face covering his bare behind.)
"Well, there you go ladies. You just got a glimpse of naked Patrick Swayze. And watching this movie on Blu-Ray and in 4k resolution, I'm going to live with the fact that I saw Swayze naked. I need to get that image out of my head. Let me think of something. Scarlett Johansson and Elizabeth Olsen naked." Sean said. "There, that image of Swayze ass is popped out of my mind."
Carrie Ann: What did you do there last night?
Dalton: What do you mean?
Carrie Ann: Well, you fired the bartender, Pat.
Dalton: He was skimming.
Carrie Ann: You should not have done that, Dalton.
"What's going to happen? Is some bad people going to kill him?" Sean asked.
Dalton: What is the joke?
Carrie Ann: Well, there's no joke. I just think I'm lookin' at a dead man, though.
Dalton: It seems everywhere I go I hear that same joke.
Carrie Ann: Yeah? Well, something tells me you bring it on yourself.
"Oh, come on. I'm sure he'll be fine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Brad Wesley….
(A clip from Star Trek: The Next Generation is shown again)
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
Sean: (Narrating) …Is having a nice pleasant drive by driving recklessly and singing and almost killing Dalton while driving.
"Yeah, this guy should be on TruTV's World's Dumbest Drivers." Sean said as a photo of Brad Wesley driving pops up and the World's Dumbest Drivers logo pops up next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dalton heads down to a local auto parts shop owned by Red Webster, played by the late Red West, who's a close friend of Elvis Presley.
Red Webster (Played by the late Red West): You the boy from the Double Deuce?
Dalton: Yes, sir.
Red Webster: Yeah. Well, I kinda figured you'd be by./How long you gonna be in town?
Dalton: Not very long.
Red Webster: That's what I said 25 years ago.
Dalton: Really? What happened?
Red Webster: I got married, to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you.
(Dalton laughs)
"Hey, someday I'm gonna marry this beautiful woman who's living with me now. She's not ugly, but she's beautiful and she won't dump me for some ditzy pretty boy." Sean said.
"Awe, Sean. That's sweet." Taylor said, smiling at Sean.
"Yeah, you should meet her though." Sean chuckled as Taylor hits him with her bib jersey.
"You jerk!" Taylor exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But there's something troubling Red when he sees Brad Wesley entering his shop, along with his right-hand man Jimmy, played by Marshall Teague and Wesley introduces himself to Dalton.
Brad Wesley (Played by the late Ben Gazzara): (Shakes Dalton's hand) Brad Wesley.
Dalton: Dalton.
Red Webster: He's working at the Double Deuce.
Brad Wesley: Oh, terrific. Hope you're gonna clean that place up. Bad element over there. Well, anything I can do for you…
Dalton: Thanks, Red.
(Dalton walks past Jimmy and stares him down)
Sean: (V/O as Jimmy) Oh, you're a dead man, Greaser.
"Ah, this town's Hiram Lodge." Brian said.
"Except if Hiram Lodge was an old guy in his late fifties." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Emmet's farm, where Emmet uncovers Dalton's real car, a 1986 Mercedes 560SEC with New York license plates and he sees Dalton doing some Tai Chi in his spare time.
"Fun fact: Patrick Swayze is trained in martial arts, but they get a martial arts expert Benny "The Jet" Urquidez. He helped choreograph the fight scenes in the movie. You'll see Swayze's character practicing some Tai Chi and the rest is mixed martial arts, a combination of western and eastern styles." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later at the Double Deuce, Dalton enters Tilghman's office and he sees Pat McGurn and two of Wesley's henchmen, Tinker played by John William Young and O'Connor played by Michael Rider, who I swear I thought that was Ted Levine. We see that Pat wants his job back and it turns out that he's the nephew of Brad Wesley. Tilghman may own the bar but the liquor that he's serving is supplied to him by Wesley. And the only way Pat is getting his job back is by taking on Dalton.
Pat McGurn: You see, I'm stayin' and you're goin'!
Dalton: Oh, really?
Pat McGurn: (Pulls out a knife) That's right! Come on, Dalton. You and me right now. Right now!
"Okay, the time to be nice stops right now because he's got a knife. Dalton, I give you permission to kick his ass." Sean said, then turns to his right. "What do you guys think?"
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown, showing Chuckie Sol and Buzz Bronski nodding their heads)
Sean then turns to his left. "Senator Palpatine?"
(A clip from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is shown)
Senator Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Do it.
Pat McGurn: What's the matter, you chicken dick? What are you afraid of? Me?
Sean: (Narrating) So, a fight breaks out between Dalton, Pat and Wesley's henchmen. Tinker, one of Wesley's henchmen injures Dalton by slashing him with a knife. After that violent night at work, Dalton heads down to the hospital to get stitches and he ends up striking a friendship with a female doctor named Dr. Elizabeth Clay or "Doc", played by Kelly Lynch.
Doc (Played by Kelly Lynch): Looks like a knife wound.
Dalton: Like I said.
(Doc reads Dalton's medical history)
Doc: Well, Mr. Dalton, you may add nine staples to your dossier of 31 broken bones, two bullet wounds, nine puncture wounds, and four stainless steel screws. That's an estimate, of course.
"Damn, imagine him setting off the metal detectors while walking through the airport. Oh, wait. He doesn't like to fly. Nevermind." Sean said. "Well, looks like he has his work cut out for him."
Doc: (While stitching up Dalton) Your file says you've got a degree from NYU. What in?
Dalton: Philosophy.
Doc: (Looks up and smiles at Dalton for a bit) Any particular discipline?
"Dalton, a tough bad-ass cooler, has a degree from NYU in philosophy. I guess that particular discipline is… in kicking ass!" Sean exclaimed before looking at the camera. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Wesley….
(A clip from Star Trek: TNG is shown again)
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
Sean: (Narrating) …Confronts his henchmen on their failure to get Pat's job back at the Double Deuce and figures that one of them owe him an apology. So, Tinker and O'Connor apologize, but Brad Wesley doesn't believe him.
Brad Wesley: You disgust me, O'Connor. You wanna know why you disgust me?
O'Connor (Played by Michael Rider): No, why, boss?
(Wesley punches O'Connor in the nose, making him bleed)
"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.
(Wesley proceeds to beat the crap out of O'Connor. Jimmy and Ketchum, played by Anthony DeLongis, help O'Connor up)
Brad Wesley: You're gonna be fine. And you know why? Because I like you.
(O'Connor smiles at Wesley. Wesley punches O'Connor in the face)
Brad Wesley: Get this piece of shit coward out of here.
"Holy shit! That dude is brutal than friggin' Hiram Lodge. Mr. Burns, watch your ass." Sean said as he points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dalton, he arrives at Red's Auto Shop, only to find Jimmy and another one of Wesley's henchmen at the shop and he finds that Red's place has been vandalized. We learn that Brad Wesley takes 10% of the town's businesses. Yep, that's definitely Hiram Lodge from Riverdale.
Dalton: Everybody pay?
Red Webster: Does a hobbyhorse have a wooden dick?
(A clip from Free Willy is shown)
Jesse (Played by Jason James Richter): Do dogs pee on brick walls?
(A clip from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is shown)
Carl 'CJ' Johnson (Voiced by Young Maylay): Does the pope shit in the woods?
Sean: (Narrating) And since Brad Wesley has a stranglehold on the town, Dalton decides to call up an old friend of his. And his mentor is in the form of an aging but legendary cooler with a mullet and a badass beard.
(We see legendary cooler Wade Garrett, played by Sam Elliott, keeping watch in a bar that's throwing a wet g-string contest)
"In the form of this awesome American cowboy!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Wade Garrett, the legendary but aging cooler, played by the guy with the awesome mustache Sam Elliot.
Wade Garrett (Played by Sam Elliott): (After pulling a soldier off the stage) Take it easy, Rambo. I know you wanna save the world from the commies, but you're gonna have to do it from down here, man.
(Wade looks at the topless woman, the topless woman winks at Wade)
We cut back to Sean, who's now sporting a fake mustache and a wig a la Sam Elliott before imitating the legendary actor. "After your performance, you can come over to my place and I can give you a free mustache ride. Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) Dalton calls up Wade to check up on him and he tells him what's going on and stuff. Back at the Double Deuce, we see that Cody and his band are performing the song Knock on Wood with Carrie Ann singing because Kathleen Wilhoite is also a singer. We see that Denise, the sexy blonde woman who's been eyeing Dalton the whole time, tries to hit on him while he's working.
Denise (Played by Julie Michaels): Why won't you look me in the eye, Dalton?
Dalton: I'm shy.
Denise: Would you be shocked if I said, "Let's go to my place and fuck?". Ain't gonna kill you. You know, you might even like it.
"Uh, I'm interested. I'll definitely like it. Dalton, she's not for you. I'll go back to her place and have sex with her. It's not gonna kill me." Sean said.
"Hey, don't distract the bouncer during working hours." Brian said.
"Dude, he has a hot chick hitting on him. If a woman like that is hitting on you and offers a night of passion with you, you would take it. I mean, it's not like she has a boyfriend or something." Sean said.
(Jimmy pulls Denise away from Dalton)
Jimmy (Played by Marshall Teague): Say goodnight, Denise.
"Uh, nevermind. Apparently, Denise has a thing for evil douchebags who work for the elderly Hiram Lodge." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that little encounter with Dalton, Jimmy takes Denise out of the bar and sends Ketchum, played by actor and stuntman Anthony DeLongis.
"Who you might recognize him as the voice of Zygon in Starchaser: The Legend of Orin and as Blade in the He-Man live action movie Masters of the Universe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ketchum enters the bar and Dalton spots him and a knife sticking out his right boot. Uh…. James Bond much, buddy. So, him and Jack, played by Travis McKenna, confront Ketchum and three of his buddies to send them packing.
Dalton: (To Ketchum) Sorry, we're closed.
Ketchum (Played by Anthony DeLongis): Well, then what are all these people doin' here?
Dalton: Drinking and having a good time.
Ketchum: (Chuckles a bit) Well, that's why we're here.
(Ketchum tries to kick Dalton, but Dalton grabs him by his leg)
Dalton: You're too stupid to have a good time.
(Dalton drags Ketchum outside by his leg while the rest of the bouncers and three of Ketchum's friends start fighting)
Sean: (as a Customer) Uh, hey. Can I get these boneless wings and the beer to go?
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, a fight breaks out between Dalton and Wesley's goons, in which the bouncers and Dalton win the fight with everyone cheering them on. And after that fight, Doc drops by to see Dalton and to see which one wins the battle for best hair and the two of them go out on a date and get to know each other.
Doc: Are you always better than they are?
Dalton: Pretty much.
Doc: Never been put down?
Dalton: No, not really.
Doc: How do you explain that?
Dalton: The ones who go looking for trouble are not much of a problem to someone who's ready for them. I suspect it's always been that way.
"Well, things are looking up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Dalton and Doc hit it off pretty well, as they end the night together with a goodnight kiss. You two just met like a day ago and all of a sudden you two are on your first date and ending it with a goodnight kiss. 80s movie logic. The next day, Tinker and O'Connor arrive at Emmet's farm to speak with Dalton and they take him over to Mr. Wesley's house for him to speak with him. (After seeing Brad Wesley's house) Hey, his house is not bad. He has two pool tables and animal heads on the wall. He's got 80s music playing and a hot blonde doing some aerobics…
(Sean sees that the woman has a black eye)
"Oh, dear. And we see that Brad Wesley beats up on women." Sean said. "Well, anything else about that guy so I can hate him even more?"
Brad Wesley: Will you shut that shit off?
(Tinker and O'Connor turn off the music)
Brad Wesley: I can't listen to that crap. It's got no heart.
"Look here, old man. Don't you ever and I mean ever, hate on 80s music. 80s music got heart. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you calling 80s music crap." Sean said as he pulls out the brass knuckles.
Sean: (Narrating) Wesley invited Dalton over to make peace with him, which you might think it would turn out to be innocent, but it's not because Brad Wesley has an ulterior motive when he mentions something about Dalton's past.
Brad Wesley: I have a cousin in Memphis. Tells me you killed a man down there. Tells me you said it was self-defense at the trial. But you and I know that isn't so, don't we.
"Wait he's got contacts?" Sean asked. "How did his contact get a hold of Dalton's file? Was he there when Dalton killed the guy?"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Wesley offers Dalton a job, but Dalton tells him to take that job and the money and shove it up his big fat ass. We then cut to the Double Deuce, which got a new makeover and tons of people coming in and things are looking really great. At least there won't be any fights. Yeah, that's a bar that I would love to go to and… (Sees Keith David as the new bartender Ernie) Oh, hey! It's Keith David! What's he doing in this movie?
Ernie (Played by Keith David): Whiskey's running low.
"And Xanatos is sending out his cyborg Gargoyles and Demona to attack me and my clan." Sean said, imitating Goliath from Disney's Gargoyles before speaking in his normal voice. "There, I got that obvious Gargoyles joke out of the way. Happy?"
Sean: (Narrating) But there's seems to be a problem when there's a shortage of liquor and why the suppliers won't deliver.
Dalton: Wesley.
(A clip from Star Trek: TNG is shown)
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up….
"Alright, alright. I think that's enough of that joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After work, Dalton heads out and sees Doc waiting for him. Guess it's time for another battle to see who has the best hair, as they head over to where Dalton is staying at and he shows her around.
"Hmm, that's nice and all but what's missing is some music." Sean said.
(Dalton turns on the radio, the song I Sold My Soul to Rock and Roll by Bullet starts playing. Doc turns to Dalton and shook her head no)
"Yeah, not too romantic. Let's try another song." Sean said.
(Dalton changes to a different song, this time it's the Striped Sweater song from SpongeBob SquarePants)
"Uh, no. Not that song. It annoyed my girlfriend when I sing it to her. Next." Sean said.
(Dalton changes it to a different song, this time the third song is Bump N' Grind by R. Kelly plays)
"Whoa, hold it! None of that! Turn it off!" Sean exclaimed as the music cuts off. "Anything else?"
(Dalton changes the station, the song These Arms of Mine by Otis Redding plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, much better. So, with some romantic music playing, we learn that Doc is Red's niece after Dalton sees a picture of her in Red's shop and then he asks her this.
Dalton: So how come you never got married?
Doc: I did.
"To the screenwriter of the movie Scrooged." Sean said, referencing Kelly Lynch's marriage to Scrooged screenwriter Mitch Glazer. "And he's a lucky, lucky bastard."
Sean: (Narrating) And things get really steamy and I mean really steamy when Dalton and Doc start dancing and this dancing gets dirty.
Brian: (V/O as announcer) Dirty Dancing reference for the win! Ten points!
"Dalton grabs Doc by her behind and lifts her up in an erotic embrace. Kissing her neck and pinning her against the wall. Thrusting his….." Sean said as he stops talking, only to see Taylor, Cheryl, Brie, Bridget and Lexi standing behind him. The women start fanning themselves from the sight of Dalton and Doc's sex scene. "What the hell?!"
"Sean, keep going." Cheryl said.
"God, I wish that was me with Patrick Swayze." Lexi said.
"Okay, you ladies get the hell outta here. I don't need you drooling over a guy who's a literal ghost now. Get out of here. Get out." Sean said as the ladies leave.
"God, what an asshole." Bridget said.
"Always taking the joy away from us." Brie said.
"Oh, well. At least there's sexual fantasies about Patrick Swayze." Taylor said.
"Yeah, definitely." Chery said.
"GET OUT!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that sex scene between Dalton and Doc was pretty steamy. I thought I was watching Max After Dark. Hell, it looked like something out of Max After Dark. More along the lines of Dirty Dancing with a mix of The Best Sex Ever.
"And after watching this scene, it's giving me ideas for a smutty Riverdale story for Archie and Betty or an idea for a steamy love scene for The Blood of Family involving Archie and Veronica. Which reminds me." Sean said as he picks up his phone to call someone.
"Hello?" The man on the other line asked.
"Hey, Mitch Glazer? Yeah, this is Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic. Yeah, I just want to let you know that your wife Kelly is having sex with Patrick Swayze right now. They're doing it and he's throwing her against the rocks." Sean said before he ends the call. "Hey, if Bill Murray can call Mitch Glazer and tell him that his wife is having sex with Patrick Swayze then I would too. But then again, I've seen her in Mr. Magoo and Curly Sue when I was young so there goes my childhood."
Sean: (Narrating) After that steamy love scene, Doc finds Dalton outside, naked, and they end up talking to each other about his lifestyle.
Doc: Where are you gonna go from here?
Dalton: I don't know.
Doc: You could stay, Dalton. If you wanted to.
Dalton: I don't think so.
"Oh, come on! You two literally fucked while doing some dirty dancing. She wants you to stay in this town and stay with her." Sean said.
(We cut to Brad Wesley spying on Dalton and Doc while they're having sex out in the open)
"Oh, God. I do not want to know what that old man was doing while spying on Dalton and Doc having sex. A little creepy, don't you think? Just like that scene from the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th where Jason was watching Bree and Trent having sex. We'll talk about that movie when I do Halloween Havoc II this year." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce and he talks to Cody and Cody drops a little something about Doc Clay.
Cody: Know who had a thing for Elizabeth Clay? Brad Wesley. Now, as I hear it, she left town and he went nuts.
"Turns out that Brad Wesley used to go out with Elizabeth 'Doc' Clay. I can see why she left him because he's like Hiram Lodge and C. Montgomery Burns." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the truck with the shipment of liquor arrives and so does trouble when Wesley's goons and Morgan arrive to screw with Dalton.
Dalton: Can I buy you guys a drink?
(Morgan throws the bottle of liquor down on the ground)
Dalton: Guess not.
"You don't funk with the Funkster, pretty boy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dalton ends up fighting Wesley's goons and ends up outnumbered, until a bearded savior steps in to save him.
(Angelic music starts playing when Wade appears)
Wade Garrett: (To Dalton) How's it going, miho?
Morgan: Mind your own business, Dad.
"A man doesn't grow a mustache, the mustache grows the man. And this man with the mustache is going to fuck you up." Sean said, imitating Sam Elliott.
Mountain (Played by Tiny Ron): Do you wanna fight, dickless?
Wade Garrett: I sure ain't gonna show you my dick.
(Wade punches Mountain in his groin)
"Oooh! Lothar got punched in the nuts." Sean winced. "Why couldn't The Rocketeer do this while he was fighting him on top of a Nazi zeppelin?"
Sean: (Narrating) And for a guy who's in his mid-40s, Wade Garrett sure knows how to kick some ass.
(Wade starts beating up on Wesley's goons while the theme from the movie Tombstone plays)
"I think my penis just grew a mustache from seeing how badass Sam Elliott could get. Road House!" Sean said while looking at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after introducing Wade to everyone at the Double Deuce, Dalton takes the legendary cooler with the beard and mullet to meet Doc and the three of them get acquainted in a bar with Wade telling his stories.
Wade Garrett: 1975, Albuquerque. Got blindsided by a bottle of Jack Daniels. Fucking around somewhere I shouldn't have been at the time. I was very drunk. Kid here got his head cracked
Dalton: (Laughs) You got the scar.
Wade Garrett: Oh, I'll show you the scar.
"Hey, if we got scars to show each other, here's one." Sean said, looking for a scar on his arm. "I got this from when I was trying to give Riley a bath when she was a kitten."
Wade Garrett: (Standing up) I'll show you one I'm real sentimental about, Doc.
(Wade begins to unbutton and unzip his jeans)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God! No!
(Wade shows off his scar on his waist)
"Look, I'm just covering my eyes because I don't want Sam Elliott flashing his dick. It's bad enough I saw Patrick Swayze's bare ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after dancing with Doc in a diner, Dalton and Wade get to talking and Wade wants to know what's going on with Dalton.
Wade Garrett: We're a long way from Memphis.
Dalton: Memphis has nothing to do with it.
Wade Garrett: Bullshit! That dog won't hunt. I can't believe you're still dragging that shit around with you. It seems to me you'd be a little more philosophical about it. And cut it the fuck loose./And when a man sticks a gun in your face you got two choices. You can die or you can kill the motherfucker.
"Uh, thanks for the advice, Wade. I remember that in the film's climax." Sean said.
Doc: Aren't you guys tired?
Wade Garrett: I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead.
"And those words will foreshadow something later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Double Deuce, business is going great until Jack tells Dalton that Red's place is on fire and the place blows up like a friggin' Michael Bay movie. Then, Red arrives only to see that his store has been destroyed, thanks to Brad Wesley. So, now its time to have a little word with Mr. Wesley but not before Denise starts entertaining the crowd with a little performance of her own.
(Denise gets up on the stage and starts doing some seductive moves of her own while Cody sings)
We cut back to Sean, who's busy watching Denise showing off her seductive moves.
(Mr. Wesley smiles as Denise kept dancing very seductively)
Sean, who's now joined with Brian, his brother Adam, his cameraman Dave and his girlfriend's brother Oliver, watch the scene and they start cheering for Denise while drinking beer.
"Take it off!" Sean yelled out.
"Yeah, what he said!" Brian said.
(Denise starts unzipping the back of her dress and taking it off, leaving her in only her lacy white panties while keeping her bare breasts covered with her dress)
"Oh, come on!" Adam whined.
"Babe, stop being such a tease and show us your boobs!" Oliver cheered out.
"Yeah! Let's see 'em!" Dave cheered.
(Denise throws her dress on Dalton's face, then grabs a customer's cowboy hat to cover up her bare breasts until we end up seeing them. Then, Beethoven's Ode to Joy starts playing as Denise's breasts are shown, then the word "TITS!" pop up and start flashing on the screen)
"Yeah, baby! Oh yeah, baby!" Sean cheered out as he high fived Brian and Dave. "Oh, oh, OHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Sean: (Narrating) God, that was worth it. Anyway, Dalton doesn't like what Mr. Wesley is doing and unleashes his secret weapon.
(Jimmy appears with a pool cue and drinking a bottle of beer while Yello's Oh Yeah starts playing)
"Jimmy!" Sean exclaimed.
(Jimmy starts swinging the pool cue and showing off his martial arts moves as he starts beating the crap out of bouncers and a brawl breaks out)
"Holy shit! MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean yelled out
(The Mortal Kombat theme starts playing during the brawl. The music stops when Wesley fires a gun up in the air right when Dalton and Jimmy are fighting)
Brad Wesley: Alright, that's enough.
"Yo, bartender. Another round for me and my friends." Sean said.
Wade Garrett: Same town, new story, huh, pal?
Sean: (Narrating) But Wesley's reign of terror continues when he threatens local car dealership owner Pete Stroudenmire, played by Jon Paul Jones, who refuses to pay him. And this happens.
Brad Wesley: Well, what are you waiting for, Gary? Drive through there!
(Ketchum starts driving his monster truck through the dealership and demolishing the cars in the showroom while people cheer and Dalton and his friends look on)
Doc: What the hell is wrong with you, Brad? Have you lost your mind?
Brad Wesley: (About Dalton) He's a drifter, you know. To see you wind up with someone like that, it's a shame.
Doc: This has nothing to do with him.
"Why do I get the feeling that Doc Clay used to be married to Brad Wesley? I bet you she used to be married to him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Emmet's farm, Dalton is busy working out while Wade comes to talk to him and tell him that it's time for the both of them to leave town, but Dalton is staying in this town to stop Wesley from terrorizing the townspeople.
Wade Garrett: You don't need this.
Dalton: Don't tell me what I need! If you want to go, go. Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone.
Wade Garrett: Yeah, you're right. I ought to stop telling you what to do. Maybe I ought to kick your ass.
(Dalton tries to punch Wade but Wade stops him from punching him)
Wade Garrett: No, we don't wanna do this.
"Me and my mustache can easily kick your ass." Sean said before looking at the camera. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) And then Wade gives Dalton some words of wisdom.
Wade Garrett: You taught me as much as I ever taught you. I love you, miho.
"Ugh, I cannot believe I'm going to be making this joke." Sean rolled his eyes and points his finger up.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Doc drops by to talk to Dalton and attempts to persuade him to leave town before Wesley goes after him, but Dalton refuses to leave.
Dalton: I know exactly who Brad Wesley is. I have seen his kind many times. He keeps taking and taking until somebody takes him. It's obvious nobody in this town can stand up to him.
Doc: But you can stop him?
Dalton: Brad Wesley picked me. And when he did he fucked up. I am only good at one thing, Doc. I never lose.
Doc: But what are you gonna win? Who's this for anyway? Are you doing it for them?
"Well, duh! Yeah! Who do you expect, Batman? Jesus Christ." Sean said.
Doc: You think you're gonna save these people from Brad Wesley? Well, who's gonna save 'em from you?
(There's an explosion at Emmet's house)
"Dalton doesn't need saving, but somebody in that house needs saving." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dalton saves Emmet from the explosion, until he spots…
(We see Jimmy riding on a motorcycle while Yello's Oh Yeah starts playing again and the name "JIMMY!", in red bold lettering pops up on the screen)
"Jimmy, you son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
(Jimmy laughs and starts driving away)
Sean: (Narrating) We now come to the best part of the movie where Dalton and Jimmy duke it in a brutal mixed martial arts fight.
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
"There. We got that Mortal Kombat-style interaction out of the way." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Mortal Kombat Announcer) Round 1. Fight!
(Health bars for Dalton and Jimmy appear on the screen and the two start fighting. With every hit they give each other, their health drops)
Jimmy: (Grabs Dalton from behind) I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
Sean spits out his beer after hearing what Jimmy said to Dalton.
Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Round 2.
Jimmy: Damn, boy. I thought you were good.
Dalton: Go fuck yourself.
Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Fight!
(Dalton breaks Jimmy's leg and kicks him in the groin and kicks him in the face. Dalton continues to beat up Jimmy while Jimmy's health on the health bar drops down with every hit)
(Jimmy pulls out a gun)
Jimmy: I'm gonna kill you the old-fashioned way.
(Dalton kicks Jimmy, causing him to miss)
Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) FINISH HIM!
(Dalton kills Jimmy by ripping out his throat with his bare hands and kicks him in the water)
Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Fatality! Dalton Wins. Flawless Victory.
"Dude, he straight up murdered that guy! Okay, that was an awesome fatality. Look, if Shaggy is not going to be the DLC character for Mortal Kombat 11, then it better be Dalton. Imagine him ripping out Johnny Cage's throat. Hey, Ed Boon. Dalton for Mortal Kombat 11. Do it." Sean said as he points at the camera. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) But Doc isn't happy with what Dalton has done and she's probably not going to see him anymore after seeing his fatality move on Jimmy. So, Dalton has a little message for Mr. Wesley.
Dalton: Wesley! Fuck you!
Sean: (V/O as Brad Wesley) He killed Jimmy. And for that he's gonna pay.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce and he gets a phone call from Brad Wesley, who vows to have either Wade or Elizabeth killed with a flip of a coin. Who does this guy think he is, Two-Face? Then Wade, who's been badly beaten up enters the bar.
Dalton: Are you alright?
Wade Garrett: There was only three of 'em. They said I was lucky.
"Well, it's a good thing that him and his mustache are alright. He needs to rest up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sensing that Doc may be in danger, Dalton races to the hospital so she can leave with him but she refuses to leave with him.
Doc: I'm not going anywhere with you.
Dalton: Oh, yes, you are. Let's go. Now!
Doc: Forget it.
Dalton: Doc, the man is crazy.
Doc: And you're not?
"I have to agree with Doc. She clearly saw you performing a Mortal Kombat-style fatality on Wesley's right-hand man. You think she wants to leave town with you?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Curse of Chucky is shown)
Chucky (Voiced by Brad Dourif): Women. Can't live with 'em. Period. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Dalton heads back to the Double Deuce so him and Wade can leave town and avoid the wrath of Brad Wesley, but it appears Wesley strikes again when Dalton finds Wade laying on the bar, dead.
(Dalton sees a knife lodged in his chest with a note reading "It was tails.")
"Nooooo! Not Wade! May him and his mustache rest in peace." Sean laid his head down on the coffee table and starts crying. "Road House."
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy time when Dalton heads down to Wesley's estate, with his henchmen armed to the teeth with 12-gauge shotguns.
"So, how is Dalton going to do this?" Sean asked.
(Dalton drives his Mercedes recklessly towards Wesley's estate as his henchmen start shooting at the car. Ketchum shoots at the car, causing it to explode)
"Okay, he had the entrance of Ace Ventura and Batman all in one. Road House." Sean said as he looks at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) They find that Dalton is not in the car but only Ketchum's knife. So the search for Dalton is on as Wesley's men act like the idiot henchmen from the Batman: Arkham series. First up is Morgan, who's been killed by Dalton and Carter as well. So, now there's only three left Ketchum, Pat and Tinker. And guess who's next.
(Ketchum tries to attack Dalton with his knife. Dalton kicks the knife out of Ketchum's hand and catches it and stabs Ketchum.)
Dalton: Tails again.
"And Blade has been killed by his own blade." Sean said.
(Pat shoots at Ketchum, who's used as a bullet shield by Dalton, then Dalton throws the knife at Pat, causing him to fall to his death)
"And the body count rises." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, you have Wesley checking out what's going on after he was hiding somewhere as he sees his men and his nephew dead. So now, it's Tinker's turn. Which ends pathetically.
(Tinker sees a giant taxidermic polar bear coming right towards him and screams while shooting at it)
Tinker: Mr. Wesley!
(The polar bear falls on Tinker, pinning him down)
"And Dalton has a bit of The Shadow in him. He's striking fear into the hearts of pathetic men." Sean said.
Dalton: You're made for each other.
(The title "Road House" pops up on the screen)
Sean: (V/O) Road House.
"Alright, now it's just Dalton and Brad Wesley. Who's going to win this fight . He killed Wade! He has to pay." Sean said.
(Dalton tries to attack Wesley. Wesley ends up shooting Dalton in the arm)
Sean: (Narrating) What?! Oh, hell no! You don't bring a gun to a fist fight, old man! So, the two of them start fighting in Wesley's trophy room and yes, this 59 year old businessman deserves a final boss health bar for this fight.
(Dalton kicks Wesley in his knee)
Brad Wesley: I thought it would be fun to fight you, Dalton. I really did. But now I just don't have the time.
(Wesley points a gun at Dalton)
"Oh, my God! He's got a gun!" Sean yelled out.
(Dalton kicks the gun out of Wesley's hand. He gains the upper hand and prepares to finish Wesley off the same way he did Jimmy)
"Do it! Kill him. KILL HIM!" Sean yelled.
(Dalton doesn't kill him and releases him as he sees Doc)
Doc: (Sees Wesley reaching for his gun) No!
"Oh, crap. Dalton's a dead man." Sean said.
(Wesley gets shot. We see that Red was the one who fired first. Next, Emmet shoots Wesley as well. The third shot comes from Stroudenmire)
"Christ, this guy's not dead yet after taking a bunch of shotgun shells from those three guys? Yeah, I'm guessing Brad Wesley has a boss health bar. He wouldn't die." Sean said.
Tilghman: This is our town, and don't you forget it.
"Bitch." Sean said.
(Tilghman shoots Wesley with a double barreled shotgun. Wesley dies)
"Now, that's town justice." Sean said. "Wait."
Sean pulls out his .45 ACP pistol and starts shooting at Wesley off-screen with a few extra shots.
"Just in case." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With law enforcement arriving, the townspeople stash their weapons away, along with the surviving Tinker, to corroborate each other's innocence.
Chief of Police (Played by Tom Finnegan): All right. Who's gonna tell me what the hell happened here?
Emmet: I didn't see nothing. You see anything, Pete?
Stroudenmire (Played by Jon Paul Jones): No, I didn't see anything. You see anything, Red?
Red Webster: I didn't see nothing. Not a thing. You see anything, Tinker?
(Tinker sees the monkeys in Wesley's trophy room, representing see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)
Tinker: A polar bear fell on me.
"In other words, he ain't seen shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! We see Cody and his band performing at the bar and then we see Dalton and Doc having a little skinny dipping at the swimming hole and enjoying each other's company, indicating that Dalton is staying for good. Cut and print!
"And that was Road House. And yes, I really enjoyed it." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie has everything you expect from an 80s action movie. You have violence, sex and music. I find it quite enjoyable. It's what you expect from a cliched action movie. You have the tough guy character and the cliched villain who's threating the townspeople. Critics weren't to kind to the film, especially Siskel & Ebert. Some critics consider it so bad that it's good. Yes, the film could be cheesy at times but goddamn it I love it. The movie is a well-polished film and the fight scenes are amazing. Patrick Swayze was awesome as Dalton and yes he's also eye candy to the ladies, Kelly Lynch was sexy as Doc Clay and Ben Gazzara played the villain that you would love to punch in the face. Let's talk about Sam Elliott's character Wade Garrett, he's like the Fred Andrews of the movie and Dalton is like Archie Andrews. It's like the two of them are father and son in some scenes. If they did a remake of this movie and if Luke Perry was still alive, he would play Wade Garrett and K.J. Apa would play as Dalton. And you'll have Mark Consuelos as Brad Wesley and Lili Reinhart as Elizabeth "Doc" Clay. Goddamn it, there's my idea for a Riverdale story inspired by Road House. Yes, there was a direct-to-video sequel called Road House 2 back in 2006. I never watched the sequel because I heard it sucked, so don't be expecting me to review it. I can tell you one thing… THE ORIGINAL IS BETTER THAN THE SEQUEL! You'll have a great experience and find it to be most entertaining when you watch it. Check it out now if you catch it on a movie channel or find it at your video store. You won't be disappointed. Road House gets 4 beer bottles out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I tell you that every saga has a beginning." Sean said as he leaves the room.
All we hear is the sound of Darth Vader's breathing in the background. Hinting the next movie that Sean is going to review.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Road House.
And that's all for the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed the Road House review and some of the funny bits from the review. Next time, Sean takes a look at Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for it's 20th anniversary and asks if the movie should be loved or hated. After the Star Wars Episode I review, I will be reviewing either the Sam Raimi classic Darkman and it's sequels or do Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials. Which one should I do after the Star Wars review? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you're interested in co-reviewing a movie or a television show with me, feel free to leave me a message. Also, I will be working on new American Housewife one-shots and here are a few ideas and pairings.
American Housewife Story Ideas:
Love Lessons (Brie/Oliver)
Owing Taylor (Oliver/Taylor)
Teach Me (Taylor/Viv)
Dancing After Dark (Taylor/Trip & Oliver/Brie)
Private Eyes (Oliver/Brie)
Fantasy Nights (Oliver/Brie/Taylor)
The Ex-Girlfriend (Oliver/Brie/Gina)
The Seduction of Taylor (Taylor/Brie)
Dirty Dancing (Taylor/Trip)
A Brother's Love (Taylor/Oliver)
Which American Housewife story would you like for me to do? I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.