The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my friends. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's that time again, today Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Lucas are going to take a look at more nostalgic commercials from the 80s and 90s in Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials. Sit back, relax and enjoy reading the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.
Episode Fifty-Seven
Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials
It was yet another afternoon, yet it was a rainy afternoon as our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, is seen sitting on his living room couch and flipping a TV channel and eating some Ritz Bits cheese cracker sandwiches before addressing to the camera.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, I'm sitting on my couch, got my snacks, I got my Cap'n Crunch T-shirt on; that can only mean one thing. Commercials are back, baby!"
(Clips from various nostalgic commercials are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all thought it was a pretty weird idea for me to review commercials when I did Commercials I last year. Hey, they're a lot of fun to watch and their hilarious to laugh at them, so why not talk about them? We remember them from the 80s and 90s and we can still talk about them. They're such candy-coated treats of fun and I'm gonna talk about them again.
"And I got a little treat for you, I decided to have someone co-host this son of a bitch with me. So joining me on this little adventure is my good old friend from the Mortal Kombat movie reviews, UltimateWarriorFan4Ever!" Sean replied as Lucas came jumping through the camera.
Lucas of course, was dressed just the same as Sean except he was wearing his Led Zeppelin t-shirt and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajama pants. And except of Ritz Bitz cheese cracker sandwiches, he brought a big bag of new Flamin' Hot Doritos with him to eat.
"Hey, nice to be here, man." Lucas nodded with a wink, "Since this is pretty much the second commercials special you're doing, I managed to choose ourselves some pretty hefty good candidates for us. And spoiler alert: None of them involves some singing raisins, so sorry to those who were expecting them!"
"And I got a little treat for you, I'm we're gonna take a look at 'em again. So, welcome to part two of the commercials segment. Since I called the last one Commercials I: The Phantom Menace, I'm calling this one Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials. Roll it!" Sean smiled.
(We see an ABC Saturday Morning bumper featuring the dog What-a-Mess from 1994, a Fox Kids Network bumper from 1992 featuring Dynamo Duck, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 is shown)
(TV static transitions to: Diet Coke commercial)
(We see the Batmobile driving, then we cut to Stately Wayne Manor)
Alfred (Played by the late Michael Gough): (On the phone) Hello, Gotham Corner Store?
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all probably remember that commercial. This was shown on the VHS release of Tim Burton's Batman, for those of you who used to own the movie on VHS. We see that Alfred, played by Michael Gough, is calling the Gotham Corner Store while we cut to the shot of the Batmobile driving at night via clips from the movie.
"Why could Alfred be calling the Gotham Corner Store?" Sean asked.
Alfred: We seem to be down to our last Diet Coke.
(We see that Alfred is holding a can of Diet Coke)
"That's the problem? You have the last Diet Coke?" Sean asked.
"Next thing you know, Alfred's gonna probably gonna call the Corner Stote to see if any Viagra's left." Lucas said with a shrug.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we see Batman driving to the Gotham Corner Store to buy some more Diet Coke. I thought it was Alfred's job to buy the Diet Coke. Why isn't he getting it? Well, because Alfred's about to pour himself a nice glass of Diet Coke.
Alfred: A gentleman is on his way to pick some up. (Alfred pours himself a glass) Just look for a black car. No, this black car will be rather difficult to miss.
"Yeah, I doubt that someone who's working at the corner store would spot the Batmobile speeding through the city because of Batman's fix for Diet Coke." Sean said.
Sean: (v/o as Batman while driving) Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet COOOOOOOOKE! Get the fuck out of my way, I want my DIET COOOOOOOKE!
"Batman's gonna cause a major car accident trying to get the precious Diet Coke." Sean said.
"This kinda makes me wonder something," Lucas said with such thought, "Is Batman really hooked on Diet Coke? I swear, someone call Suicidal Tendencies so that they can remake the song "Institutionalized" in which instead of a junkie being hooked onto Pepsi, let's have Batman hooked onto some diet Coke without people around him thinking he's on drugs all the time. Oh, and not to mention crazy."
Alfred: And by the way, the gentleman is usually in quite a rush.
(The Batmobile stops in front of the corner store)
"Better give Batman the 12-pack of Diet Coke quick, or he'll kick your ass. You don't want to get on his bad side, trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And I have a quick question: is that the last can of Diet Coke that was meant for Bruce that Alfred is going to drink? I think it is! Alfred, what are you doing? Don't drink that, that was meant for Bruce.
"First, he brings Vicki Vale in the Batcave. And now he's drinking Batman's last can of Diet Coke. Boy, he just wants to get his ass kicked by Batman." Sean said.
However, while Sean wasn't looking, Lucas let out a huge nervous gulp as he weakly put his can of Diet Coke away without Sean noticing.
Sean: (Narrating) A classic commercial promoting the most awesome superhero movie of the 80s and to get your fix of (In his Batman voice) DIET COOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!
(Alfred sips his glass of Diet Coke)
Singers: Just for the taste of it. Diet Coke.
Alfred: Ahhhh.
Sean: (v/o as Batman): Give my fucking Diet Coke!
(TV static transitions to: Fantasy Girls phone ad)
(We see an attractive blonde woman laying in bed and picking up her phone)
Announcer: Don't just think about a fantasy tonight. Pick up the phone and call the Fantasy Girls.
"Well, hellooooooooo nurse!" Sean exclaimed with a naughty smirk on his face.
"Hell yeah, I can drink to that!" Lucas nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you remember those naughty 1-900 phone ads that they show late at night? They want us guys to call hot, horny babes to share their most innermost sexual desires.
Announcer: You'll always get a different girl and fantasy every time you call. Hot, hot fantasy in the privacy of your own home.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know what's funnier: the fact that these were sexy enough to get people to call back then or the fact that somebody thought it'd be sexy enough to get somebody to call that number.
Sean: (v/o as female announcer) Would you like to share your sexual fantasies with us tonight? Then pick up the phone and call Fantasy Girls. Our hot, sexy women would love to talk to you. You'll get a fantasy from one of our girls. Just pick up the phone, you horny bastard, and call us now.
Announcer: Just $10 a call. For adults only.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, just $10 a call just to share your fantasies with some hot chick.
"Hey, unless you have porn stars like Dakota Skye, Alina Li, Maddy O'Reilly, Riley Reid and Casey Calvert wanting you to share your sexual desires over the phone or online, just watch their videos on porn sites and come up with a great fantasy. Me, I like to fantasize about banging Natalia Starr in front of Taylor. Or I can fantasize about Taylor and her brother's girlfriend Brie lezzing it up like Juelz Ventura and Celeste Star in Penthouse's Infidelities." Sean said. "Check it out, it's hot!"
"Definitely works for me," Lucas nodded as he said, "Just last night, I was in my happy place being in this big-ass hot tub and somehow, Romi Rain, Anna Bell Peaks, Nikki Benz and Alura Jenson all joined me and were onto me like zombies waiting to turn Jill Valentine into a sandwich. Man, do I love smut."
Announcer: Call a Fantasy Girl in your area now.
(TV static transitions to: Micro Machines commercials circa 1980s)
Micro Machines Man: (Talks very quickly) This is the Micro Machines Man presenting the most midget miniature motorcade Micro Machines…
Sean: (Narrating) Remember the Micro Machines commercials? They have the Micro Machines Man talking about Micro Machines. This is the Fast Talking Guy himself John Moschitta Jr., he started off as the Fed-Ex Man in the Fed-Ex commercial and moved onto a little toy line called Micro Machines. I don't know if they're still around or not.
Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The new Micro Machines Super City Toolbox playset. Closed as a mild-mannered toolbox. Open, it's a Micro Machine USA. Cruise your mini Micro Machine vehicles, planes and boats through the police station, the marina, the mini motorcycle repair shop, the gas station, the construction office, work the real-working drawbridge, highway passage, garage doors or take your Micro Machine flying machine in for a landing, phew! This place has it all.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, this guy is amazing. He gets out all the information you need in seconds. Literally.
"No shit, he brings out more information than a frickin' telemarketer." Lucas nodded out.
Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The new Micro Machines aircraft carrier playset.
Sean: (Narrating) Every time he comes on TV, you try to figure out what in the world is he saying because he's talking too damn fast. I try to figure out what he's trying to say.
Both Sean and Lucas sit on his couch and watch as the Micro Machines Man continued to talk fast.
Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The Micro Machines cargo plane playset, that holds 15 Micro Machines with amazing mini….
"Huh, what? What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
"Sean, I've invited Brian, Cheryl, Brie, Oliver and Lucas over for dinner. Want me to bring out the wine?" Taylor asked.
"Quiet, woman. I'm trying to figure out what he's saying." Sean said.
"Yeah, go do something other women do like, I don't know, watch soap operas or something." Lucas said, air-swatting away as well.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, you can thank God that he's not doing audio books. Can you imagine him doing an audio book for Fifty Shades of Grey?
We then cut to Taylor, who's sitting in Sean's bedroom, listen to an audio tape of Fifty Shades of Grey on her Kindle.
Sean: (v/o as John Moschitta Jr. as the Narrator while talking very fast) "Aahh." I moan falling forward from the exquisite relief of his touch. I brace myself on rigid arms, my hands flat on the bed just above his head. He takes full advantage of my…
"Jeez! How can I get aroused from this? The guy is talking too fast." Taylor said as she takes of her earbuds.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, these commercials were awesome and he's awesome too. Let's hope that Micro Machines make a big comeback just so we can hear him talk about them very fast.
Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) Remember, if it doesn't say Micro Machines, it's not the real thing.
(TV static transitions to: Super Nintendo commercial circa 1991)
(We see a man walk through an empty drive-in with a dark trenchcoat wrapped around him.)
"Well, who on earth could be walking inside an empty drive-in theater this late at night?" Lucas asked with his eyebrow raised.
"I don't know, but it looks like one of those sex offenders in weird trenchcoats." Sean replied.
(We see a guy, portrayed by Paul Rudd, putting an Super Nintendo cartridge into the Super Nintendo console, which is displaying the video game F-Zero. A crowd of people soon appears and watches the guy play from the cage.)
"Well, what do you know, it's Ant-Man playing a Super Nintendo!" Sean exclaimed, "Man, the 90's were sure something."
"And that trenchcoat is something too. Did he raid Sting's closet or pretty much Eric Draven's?" asked Lucas.
Sean: *Narrating* Yes, before he was in movies such as Clueless, The 40-Year Old Virgin and Ant-Man, a young-cut Paul Rudd got one of his earlier roles in this commercial promoting the ever-awesome Super Nintendo. Now, that's fucking amazing.
(A montage is then shown of various Super Nintendo games such as Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past, StarFox, Final Fantasy III and EarthBound.)
Lucas: *Narrating* What else is left to say about the Super Nintendo? The Super Nintendo was awesome for what it was, and it's still awesome to this very day especially with the release of the Super Nintendo Classic Edition we had two years later. They were 16-bit, had excellent sound, graphics, presentation, gameplay. This was definitely the NES all frickin' grown up with a Bart Simpson attitude. But with better graphics.
(The scene switches back to the trenchcoat guy playing various games such as F-Zero, Super Play Action Football, Pilotwings, Sim City and The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past with a smile on his face. The Narrator soon talks over at the same time the crowd stands behind the trenchcoat guy.)
Announcer: When you decide to step up to this kind of power, this kind of challenge, this kind of flying, crashing feeling, when you decide to get serious, there's only one place to come.
"And spoiler alert: It's not Brazzers nor BangBros." Lucas said to the camera.
Announcer: The games of Super Nintendo. No one creates this kind of experience. Because no one creates these kinds of games.
"Unless if their last name is Miyamoto." Sean winked, referring to Super Mario Bros. creator Shigeru Miyamoto while the same time a picture of him popped up between both Sean and Lucas.
(The scene then rewinds back to the kids standing right behind the trenchcoat guy.)
"Plus, and I really don't mean to intrude, but when are those kids ever gonna have a turn?" Sean asked a bit sternly. "I mean, crap. Paul's not gonna have the whole entire Super Nintendo all to himself."
"Can you really imagine how this scene really could've gone down?" Lucas asked Sean, "I kinda wonder what it would have been like?"
(The entire scene then switches back to the Super Nintendo commercial in which Lucas is now being dressed as the Trenchcoat guy while Sean, Brian and Oliver are dressed up as teenagers standing right behind Lucas.)
"Hey dude, are you gonna stand there all night playing F-Zero?" An annoyed Sean asked Lucas, "C'Mon, I want a turn too!"
Lucas then turned his eyes to Sean and said, "Hey, you know the rules, bro! No annoying me while I drive!"
"You've been playing the same damn race for the 15th time now! Can I least give it a try as well?" Brian said to Lucas, who was now getting annoyed by the teens around him.
"It's my fault this course is so damn hard!" Lucas shouted to Brian.
Fed up with Lucas's attitude, Oliver tried to get a hand on the controller and said, "That's it, I'm snatching that controller!"
"How about I kick you in the snatch?" Lucas growled to Oliver before punching him out.
But then all of a sudden, Lucas, Sean, Brian and Oliver start beating the crap out of each other with punches and kicks all over, therefore ending this dream on a brawl.
(The scene switches back to both Sean and Lucas, who were finished pondering about the possible end of the commercial.)
"Oooooh, that definitely wouldn't be pretty." Sean shook his head in return.
"The Super Nintendo Entertainment System, rotting every 8-year old brain and starting friendly fistfights since 1991." smirked Lucas. "And it's well worth it."
Announcer: Now you're playing with power. SUPER POWER!
(TV static transition to: This Is Your Brain on Drugs public service announcement circa 1987)
(We see a middle aged guy, portrayed by John Roselius, cross his arms while looking to the camera as if it was a person's POV)
Guy: Is there anyone out there who still isn't clear about what doing drugs does?
Lucas then raised his hand and said, "Yeah, I got several examples of those. It can either turn you into a cheating pervert like ProJared, an orange-skinned ape of a president called Donald Trump or basically Nick Nolte before his infamous mugshot."
"Or basically turn them into Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones." Sean shrugged out.
Guy: Okay, last time.
(Guy walks over to the table and holds up an egg.)
Guy: This is your brain.
Lucas: *Narrating* No, that's an egg.
(Guy then points to a frying pan)
Guy: This is drugs.
Sean: *Narrating* That's a frying pan, asshole. I swear, you need help.
(Guy then breaks an egg and fries it on a frying pan. He then shows it to the entire camera.)
Guy: This is your brain on drugs.
"I'm pretty sure it's just an egg frying in a pan," Lucas nodded out before saying, "You trying to cook breakfast or something?
"Yeah, I'm a bit hungry watching that." Sean also said, nodding to the camera.
Sean: *Narrating* Actually, we're just messing around with the guy. For those of you who were grown up in the 80's, this is the popular This Is Your Brain on Drugs campaign commercial from 1987 showing what happens to those who end up getting hooked on drugs. Of course, that wasn't the only PSA to happen in 1987.
Lucas: *Narrating* If you want to know what kind of other PSA we're talking about, well, here it is.
(The scene switches to the "I Learned It By Watching You" PSA in which a kid's father is holding up a box filled with drugs.)
Moustached Father: Who taught you how to do this stuff?
Teenager (played by Reid MacLean): *angrily to Dad* YOU ALRIGHT? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!
"Crap, that kid should've waited at least a few years before he tried that shit." Lucas shook his head.
"Nowadays, it's mostly legal today," Sean nodded, "I heard medical marijuana's now the stuff."
(The scene switches back to the This Is Your Brain On Drugs guy who puts the frying pan back on the stove.)
Guy: Any questions?
"Yeah, I got one," Sean raised his hand before saying, "Can we look at the one from 1997?"
(TV static transition to: This Is Your Brain on Drugs public service announcement circa 1997)
(We see a short-haired teenage girl, played by Rachael Leigh Cook, hold up an egg while standing next to a stove.)
Teenage girl: This is your brain.
Lucas: *Narrating* That's still an egg.
(The girl then holds up a frying pan.)
Teenage Girl: And this… is heroin.
Sean: *Narrating* And that's still a frying pan.
(The girl places the egg on the counter.)
Teenage Girl: This is what happens to your brain after snorting heroin.
(The teenage girl then smashes the bottom of the frying pan, smashing the egg into pieces.)
"DAMN!" Both Sean and Lucas yelped.
Lucas then spoke in sanity, "That egg just got Gallagher'd!"
(The girl then holds up the bottom of the frying pan with egg pieces and yolk shattered all around it.)
Teenage Girl: And this… is what your body goes through.
"Same thing happened to me when I watched Avengers: Endgame." Sean nodded before replying, "And no, I'm still not spoiling everything."
Lucas: *Narrating* This time everyone, that old This Is Your Brain on Drugs classic gets a 90s makeover. But this time, it involves a very pre-She's All That Rachael Leigh Cook destroying the ever-loving shit out of an egg like Shao Kahn smashing someone's head to pieces with his trusty hammer.
Teenage Girl: Wait… it's not over yet.
"Hold up? You mean there's more?" Lucas raised his eyebrow to the camera.
Teenage Girl: This is what your family goes through!
(The girl then swings toward the dishes, breaking them into pieces.)
"HOLY CRAP!" Sean loudly shrieked.
(She then starts breaking everything around the kitchen including the kitchen sink, the wine glasses, the clock, a beer pitcher and a ceiling lamp)
Teenage Girl: And your friends! And your money! And your job! And your self-respect! And your future! And your life.
Sean and Lucas both become horrified seeing this that they cower in fear, holding onto their seats on the couch.
"Okay, yes, we get it!" Lucas shouted out, "Can you please stop destroying shit right now!?"
Sean then shuddered nervously as he said, "She's All That? More like SHE'S FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD!"
(The girl then finally sets the frying pan right on the stove.)
Teenage girl: *calmer* Any questions?
"Yeah, I got one." Lucas said, weakly raising his hand before pointing to the camera and saying nervously, "Y-y-y-you gonna eat that?"
(TV static transition to: WWF Wrestling Buddies commercial circa 1991)
(We see two police cops riding in their police car when they see a house shaking.)
Cop #1: Holy cow!
Cop #2: Let's check it out.
"Ah, ProJared up to his cheating again?" Lucas smirked.
(The scene then switches to several kids hitting and wrestling each other inside a makeshift wrestling ring aka living room with Tonka's WWF Wrestling Buddies.)
Announcer: *off-screen* Introducing the newest WWF Wrestling Buddies! Big Boss Man, Jake "The Snake" Roberts! Clonk 'em, bonk 'em, wrestling buddies want to be YOUR buddies!
"Unless if they ever want to beat the ever-loving shit out of you just like on TV." Sean nodded.
"Pretty much takes the Don't Try This At Home rule and shoves it up their ass." Lucas nodded as well.
Lucas: *Narrating* Yes, coming to you live from some kid's house, it's Tonka's WWF Wrestling Buddies in which you get to see some big-ass plushies from your favorite superstars from early 90's WWE beat the piss right out of you.
(A montage of clips from WrestleMania 35, Monday Night RAW and SmackDown Live start playing simultaneously)
Sean: *Narrating* And take note that this was way before the WWF, not the World Wildlife Fund, would change its name to the WWE, known now as World Wrestling Entertainment.
"Besides LJN, the WWE or WWF as you would call them, we're looking for another company to also make their toys and products besides those awesome WWF ice-cream bars," Lucas said before speaking in a serious tone, "And what better way to make these adorable so-called Wrestling Buddies than the toy company who's called the Fucking Construction Truck Toy Company!"
"Otherwise known as Tonka." Sean replied as a Tonka logo appeared alongside them.
(Scene switches back to the commercial.)
Cop 2: What's going on?
Ginger-haired kid with glasses: Nothing, officer.
(All of a sudden, the kids start throwing their Wrestling Buddies at the cop.)
Kids: BODY SLAM!
"Hey, hey, hey, they can't assault an officer!" Sean cried out in protest, "Someone arrest those little bastards!"
(The kids start beating the crap out of the officer with their Wrestling Buddies, mostly with the Big Boss Man plushie.)
Cop #2: Who's the wise guy?
Kids: Big Boss Man!
"Um, I'm pretty sure this man right here would disagree with you." Sean said as he pointed to a picture of Judge Dredd popping on the far right.
Lucas then nodded as he said, "After all, he's the fuckin' law."
Sean: *Narrating* For all the WWE fans who are now watching this, remember the company's disclaimer that says, "Please don't try this at home"? Well, beating up cops with your Wrestling Buddies is something you should DEFINITELY never try at home! And trust me, that's FAR worse then ever having to try the dangerous shit you see on TV!
Cop #1: *on the walkie-talkie* Murphy, what's going on?
Murphy: *laughing* Nothing, sarge!
(The kids then continue to beat him up with the Wrestling Buddies)
Sean soon got fed up from watching this scene so much that he drew out his gun from his table.
"That's it, I'm arresting those kids myself!" Sean shouted as he ran off from his couch.
But before he could make it to the door, Lucas chased after him and tackled him right away.
"Dude, you can't arrest them, they're kids!" Lucas shouted.
"You can't stop me!" Sean shouted back, struggling to break free, "Judge Dredd told me to!"
Narrator: Big Boss Man and Jake "The Snake" Roberts, the newest WWF Wrestling Buddies from Tonka! Each sold separately!
(TV static transitions to: Pop Tarts commercial circa 1989)
Background Singers: Kellogg's Pop Tarts!
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Pop Tarts, a staple of the 80s and 90s, with retro fashion and retro music, popular for teens everywhere.
Background Singers: The taste of real fruit, real hot/Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
(The dog barks four times with the music until the teenage boy uses the blueberry Pop Tart as a remote to pause the dog)
"Man, all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a cherry Pop Tart." Sean said. "I need a cherry Pop Tart. Where's my cherry Pop Tart, people?!"
"Can someone give this man a cherry Pop Tart?" Lucas asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come across something that baffles me. More than baffling, a bit confuzzled. Yeah, I said it. Confuzzled. It's the tagline.
Background Singers: So hot, they're cool/So cool, they're hot!
"What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
"So hot, they're cool. So cool, they're hot. What the hell does that even mean?" Lucas asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) How can something that is so hot, it's cold, or so cold, it's hot?
Background Singers: So hot, they're cool/So cool, they're hot!
"Commercial, you're not making any goddamn sense. Could you answer that little zen riddle for us before I end up punching you in the dick?" Sean asked.
(The McDonald's McDLT commercial with Jason Alexander is shown)
Jason Alexander: (Sings) I'm talking quarter pound beef on the hot, hot side…
People: (Sings) And the hot stays hot.
"Hell, McDonald's McDLT commercial made more sense than you." Sean said.
(We cut to another Pop Tarts commercial)
Announcer: You can get ready for something wild when you bite into new Kellogg's Pop Tarts.
(A teenage girl bites into a Pop Tart, and red lights shoot out of it.
"JESUS!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) More like giving them explosive radiation when they bite into a Pop Tart. I mean, those flashing red lights almost took her head off.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, that strawberry Pop Tart was more like Disco Strawberry.
"Let's be glad that they added frosting on the Pop Tarts so that flashing red lights end up killing them." Sean said.
Background Singer: So hot they're cool/So cool, they're hot!
(TV static transitions to: Breyers Viennetta ice cream commercial from 1994)
(We see a group of people sitting at the dinner table as another person sits a sterling silver plate with Viennetta ice cream on the table)
Female Announcer: Breyers has created a spectacular ice cream dessert called Viennetta.
Sean: (Narrating) Remember the Viennetta ice cream from Breyers? That delectable ice cream dessert with premium vanilla ice cream with it's chocolate layers while they play bad porno music over the commercial making it irresistible to have.
(The server gives each person a slice of Viennetta in a glass)
Female Announcer: But despite it's delicious premium ice cream with it's irresistible crisp chocolatey layers…
"Who in the everloving fuck eats ice cream out of a glass? A martini glass?" Lucas asked.
"Not me. I use a bowl." Sean said. "I guess they're too sophisticated to be using a bowl for Viennetta."
(We see that there's the last slice of Viennetta left)
Sean: (Narrating) And look at this, you have the last slice of Viennetta left and how delicious that ice cream is, someone is getting the last slice.
Sean and Lucas look on in anticipation to see which person gets the last slice of Viennetta.
(The server picks up the pie server while three of the people pick up their glasses)
Female Announcer: Viennetta from Breyers. One slice is never enough.
"Well, who the hell got the last slice? They're just going to leave it there?" Lucas asked.
"I can imagine what happened. I guess they were busy fighting over the last slice." Sean said.
(The scene switches to the Viennetta commercial. We see Sean, Lucas, Brian and Oliver sitting at the dinner table enjoying their slice of Viennetta)
"Oh, man. Was that pretty good or what?" Sean asked, wiping his mouth off with a napkin.
"Amazing." Oliver said.
"Agreed." Brian said.
"Man, this is better than sex with Kendra Lust." Lucas smirked.
"Hell, it's better than a threesome with Gia Derza and Cali Carter." Sean said until his attention is turned to the last slice of Viennetta before Lucas spots him eyeing it.
"I hope you're not looking at the last slice because it's mine." Lucas said.
"What? Yeah, right. I get the last slice, buddy." Sean said.
"Like hell you're getting the last slice. I deserve it fair and square. Not you two ding dongs." Oliver said as Sean glared at him.
"Who are you calling a ding dong, pinhead?" Sean asked.
"No, I get the last slice. Any one tries to get their hands on it, they're gonna be sent to the Dark Ages." Brian said as he pulls out a crossbow and points it at Lucas.
"Hey, I don't think you want to do that." Lucas said as he picks up his Desert Eagle and points it at Brian. "Drop the crossbow right now, Tyrion Lannister. I'm getting the last slice."
"Oh, yeah. Well, I've got something to say. Two guns, bitch!" Oliver said as he whips out two SIG Sauer P365 pistols, with one pointed at Lucas and the other pointed at Sean. "Nobody's walking out of here with the last slice.
"Drop it, Oliver!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out a silenced Mac 10 and points it at Oliver. "Drop it or you're six feet dead.
The four men are at a stalemate, with their weapons aimed at each other to see if who kills who for the last slice. We cut to black before hearing the sound of gunfire going off.
We fade in as we see Taylor returning from the store with some more Viennetta before entering the dining room to see the results.
"Hey guys, no need to be fighting over the last slice, I've brought some more from the…" Taylor said as she sees Sean, Lucas, Brian and Oliver's corpses lying on the table. "Oh, great. I knew this would happen. I specifically told him that I was going to get more.
(The scene switches back to Sean and Lucas, who are both a bit shocked from the end results on who gets the last slice of Viennetta)
"Yeah, that would end very, very badly." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I remember having this as a kid and I really enjoyed it. It's a shame that it's not available in the United States, yet you can get it if you live in Australia and New Zealand under the Streets brand. It's sold in Italy, Germany, Austria and Japan.
"Goddamn it! How can these guys take what's ours? Because of you guys, I had to eat a Carvel ice cream cake. I want my Viennetta." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I don't care if I go on Twitter and tweet by using the hashtag #BringBacktheViennetta, I want my Viennetta fix and I want it now. Warning: having Viennetta ice cream results in tantrums, fights, hair pulling, black eye and death over the last one.
Female Announcer: Viennetta from Breyer.
"A dessert so addictive, people end up killing each other for it." Lucas said.
(TV static transition to: Sonic The Hedgehog commercial from 1991)
(We see a middle-aged woman, portrayed by Larry Cedar, stand behind a counter while a picture of Sonic The Hedgehog is placed alongside her long with a Sega Genesis console. The footage of Sonic The Hedgehog gameplay is also shown right behind her as the narrator speaks.)
Narrator: Donita Stokes, President of H.A.G.
Donita Stokes (played by Larry Cedar): It's bad enough that Sega Genesis has the most 16-bit games, but this new Sonic The Hedgehog? Ohhh, he really doth my doilies!
"Or in translation, 'shit my panties'." Sean replied.
"Ugh, in that case, I think I better stay away from her…" Lucas said as he held up an air freshener and blew air around it while putting his shirt over his nose.
Sean: *Narrating* Ah, Sonic The Hedgehog. What is there left to-
(A picture of Sonic The Hedgehog is shown for a couple of seconds, right before the Sonic from the 2019 live-action Sonic The Hedgehog movie is shown, disturbing Sean.)
Sean: *Narrating* Yeah, thanks a lot for getting that image in my head.
(A picture of Sonic The Hedgehog from 1991 is shown alongside a montage of games that show Sonic The Hedgehog 2, Sonic Adventure 2, Sonic Generations and Team Sonic Racing.)
Sean: *Narrating* Anyway, what can be said about Sonic The Hedgehog? For more than 28 years, this blue speedster has been going mega-fast as Sega's best all-time video game mascot. From video games to cartoons to those damn delicious ice-cream bars, Sonic has been a tour de force since Sega's best years as a console manufacturer.
(The scene goes back to the commercial where it plays from the beginning.)
Lucas: *Narrating* And what better way to introduce him to the world than this little commercial featuring a man dressed in drag, complaining his/her little ass off about Sonic The Hedgehog being on the Sega Genesis.
"And trust me, her complaints are as meaningless as those butthurt One Million Moms organization." Lucas nodded out in return.
(Footage of the Sonic the Hedgehog video game continues to play as Donita keeps talking.)
Donita Stokes: *Off-screen* They say he's incredibly fast. Well, that's the hurry, mister? Hmmmm? And about his attitude? SMARTY PANTS!
"Hey, don't you be talking to our boy Sonic now!" Lucas shouted to the camera as if he was shouting to Donita.
"Take that back or else we'll drop you faster than the fandom after Sonic '06!" Sean threatened to Donita, referring to the god-awful Sonic The Hedgehog game on PS3 and XBOX 360.
Donita Stokes: Why can't he be like that nice boy Mario?
"Because otherwise, Sonic would have kicked Mario's ass and take Princess Peach all to himself if he was even compared to him back in '91." Sean said, crossing his arms.
Lucas then nodded as he said, "But at least Mario and Sonic are cool now and go on to bigger, better things such as the Super Smash Bros. series and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games. They're pretty tight as far as I speak."
(Sonic then sticks her tongue out at Donita and runs out of the picture full-speed. Donita tries to catch him with just his/her hand, but fails.)
Donita Stokes: Little brat!
"Well, I'm sorry, that shows what you get for bad-mouthing him all the time." Sean replied.
"Yeah, serves you the fuck right, Donita." Lucas nodded as he flipped her off.
Announcer: Now, get Sonic free when you buy a Sega Genesis system at its new price at $149.99.
"Because you know what they say," Lucas said before he and Sean loudly declared, "Genesis does what Nintendon't!"
(TV static transitions to: Jell-O Jigglers commercial featuring Bill Cosby)
(We see Bill Cosby sitting at a dining table with children, they're seen holding spoons)
Bill Cosby: We're here to celebrate a different way to eat Jell-O gelatin.
"Oh, Christ. Fucking Cosby again?" Sean asked. "What's he gonna sell us this time?"
"I swear, if it's anything New Coke related, I'm kicking him right through his pudding-sized balls!" Lucas angrily declared.
(Bill Cosby and the children throw their spoons away)
Bill Cosby: With our bare hands.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.
Bill Cosby: All we need cookie cutters, this easy recipe (Uses the cookie cutter to make shapes out of Jell-o) and we got jigglers!
"Hey, I wouldn't eat those jigglers. Cosby might've added a little something in them." Sean said.
"Spoiler alert: It's made out of his piss." Lucas smirked out.
(We see the little kids eating the Jell-O Jigglers)
Background Singers: Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, oh jigglers! Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, oh jigglers!
"Hey, the only thing I want to see jiggling is Gia Derza, Mia Malkova, Lexi Belle, Dani Daniels, Abella Danger and Alexis Texas' asses." Sean said as he points at the camera.
"Hell, I'd take seeing Amy Anderssen and Aletta Ocean's big hot racks jiggle anyday then what old wifebeater Cosby's selling." Lucas nodded, agreeing with Sean.
Bill Cosby: (Holds up the Jell-O box) The recipe's on the box. Jigglers, they're a handful of fun.
"Oh, Cosby. I know you like your jigglers a handful of fun." Sean said.
(We see the word "JELL-O" spelled out on a plate as a little girl grabs the "O")
Bill Cosby: (To the little girl) Hey, put that back.
Sean made a face and he immediately picked up his phone to get ready to call the police. "You stay away from that little girl, Cosby. I have the cops on speed 've done something to the Jell-O."
Sean: (Narrating) My God, tell me you're not creeped out from seeing Bill Cosby telling the little girl to put that Jell-O down. What was that Jell-O meant for anyway?
"Maybe Cosby laced them with PCP, I don't know." Lucas shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't think Winston from Ghostbusters would eat Jell-O because." Sean said.
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson) I hate Jell-O.
"Hey, where Cosby's going, he's gonna have all the Jell-O he can eat. I'm just glad he's not the spokesperson for his barbecue sauce." Sean said.
"Did he put PCP on his sauce too?" Lucas asked Sean.
(A clip from The Cosby Show is shown)
Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Played by Bill Cosby): Haven't you ever noticed after people had some of my barbecue sauce? After a while when it kicks in, they get all huggy buggy./I got a cup of it up on the night table. I've got a cup of it, I said. Left it up there breathing.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean and Lucas both screamed out.
Kids: J-E-L-L-O!
(Another clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O.
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, VENKMAN!" Lucas shouted to the camera.
(TV static transition to: Mountain Dew Kickstart commercial)
(We see a big overweight guy opening the fridge to get a Midnight Grape-flavored Mountain Dew Kickstart. Once he drank it however, he starts dancing much to the disbelief of his friends. However, a mosquito touches down on the back of his neck and bites him, which forces him to dance as well.)
Sean and Lucas immediately dance to the music right away with Sean doing a big shoulder shimmy while Lucas starts dancing to the Running Man.
"Sorry, we just couldn't help ourselves," Sean smirked before saying, "But this dance is just so kicking!"
"We're not lying, this is perfect exercise!" Lucas nodded while he still danced.
Sean: *Narrating* Okay, this isn't exactly vintage by any means, but we just had to put this on there because how awesome this looks. It's a commercial for Mountain Dew's new drink called Mountain Dew KickStart.
Lucas: *Narrating* It was available to the public in 2016 with flavors such as Midnight Grape, Orange Citrus and Black Cherry available in the start.
"And we gotta say, the drink's actually pretty damn good for what it is." Sean nodded as he started to sip his can of KickStart alongside Lucas, "I mean, this was Mountain Dew entering the world of breakfast drinks. Because let's be honest, the breakfast drink circuit was just nothing more than NesQuik and Slim-Fast-"
However, Sean stopped as he looked to his left and saw Lucas shaking and moving his shoulders in a dancing kind of way.
"Um, you do realize that this drink doesn't actually make you dance?" Sean replied.
"Actually, it kinda does." Lucas nodded, turning his head to him.
"They actually did that for the commercial," Sean reminded his friend, "It really doesn't make you dance in real-life."
Lucas then turned his head to his friend once again and said, "Did you take a look at the disclaimer?"
"Yeah, I did." Sean nodded before saying, "And let me remind you that the disclaimer actually states that Mountain Dew KickStart doesn't actually-"
Once he saw the disclaimer, it read in white bold words that said "WARNING: THIS DRINK CAN MAKE YOU DANCE". Sean immediately looked at this face-first and looked stunned right away.
"Well, son of a bitch, it actually does!" Sean exclaimed in a surprised tone.
However, after only several seconds of silence, Sean gets up off this couch and starts dancing all over like Lucas, who's now breakdancing by doing the worm, when it's actually a body double doing the dancing. Sean also breakdances as well, but like Lucas, a body double is doing the breakdancing as well.
(While that goes on, the footage of the commercial continues to play, showing the part of the mosquito being eaten up by the frog, who starts to dance to the song. Not too long, the frog gets eaten by a fish, who also starts dancing. It's completely stopped when a net catches him, which the scene switches to a half-eaten fish, which is eaten by a cat who also dances via twerking. The fisherman comes in and becomes immediately uncomfortable by the cat's dancing.)
Lucas and Sean immediately collapse on the couch looking all tired and exhausted from the dancing that the drink totally did to them. However, they still continued to crack a smile on top of this whole situation themselves.
"Well… that… was worth it…" Lucas said between breaths.
"Totally. Mountain Dew rules." Sean chuckled out before giving his friend a high-five.
(The commercial immediately ends with the frog dancing next to the Mountain Dew KickStart drinks while the words "IT ALL STARTS WITH A KICK" display on top of the screen.)
(TV static transitions to: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D commercial featuring Robin Williams and his daughter Zelda)
(We see footage from Ocarina of Time 3D on the Nintendo 3DS)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this has to be one of the best commercials ever to be shown.
"Okay, who wants to see a Nintendo commercial featuring Robin Williams?" Sean asked.
"This guy does!" Lucas said, pointing to himself.
Robin Williams: The first time I saw you, I knew we'd be linked forever.
(We get a shot of a woman's eyes, then cut to more footage from the game)
Robin Williams: For you, I traveled to the four corners of the world. I faced adversity. I became a hero.
Woman: Dad?
Robin Williams: I saved your kingdom.
Woman: Dad?
Robin Williams: Yes, Zelda?
Zelda Williams: Are you mixing me up with the princess again?
Robin Williams: Hard to say, you're both pretty magical.
(The caption "Zelda fans since 1987" is shown)
"Okay, that commercial was totally awesome!" Sean exclaimed.
"Heck, even if it nearly came this close to saying "incest" all over, it was still pretty frickin' awesome." Lucas nodded, agreeing with Sean. "And as a matter of fact, so does this game on the Nintendo 64."
Sean: (Narrating) What makes this commercial awesome is that they got Robin Williams to do the commercial with his daughter Zelda. He's a big Legend of Zelda fan. That's why he named his daughter "Zelda".
"Robin, I'm gonna miss you, buddy. I know you're up in Heaven playing The Legend of Zelda with God." Sean said.
"And I hope Will Smith makes you proud for his live-action Genie that he's paying homage to you." Lucas said as he held up a bottle of cerveza up in the air, also referring to the live-action Aladdin movie.
"Same here." Sean nodded, holding his bottle of cerveza up too.
Then, at the same time, they pour it down while a sound-clip of Boyz II Men's "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" is playing.
While the song is playing though, Lucas looked to Sean and said, "Um, dude? Is this carpet stain-proof?"
(TV static transition to: Butterfinger commercial from 1991)
(We see Bart Simpson from The Simpsons sitting on a therapist's chair while Dr. Marvin Monroe is busy looking at ink blots.)
Dr. Marvin Monroe (voiced by Harry Shearer): Look at this blot, Bart. *shows him ink blot* Tell me what you see.
Bart Simpson (voiced by Nancy Cartwright): A Butterfinger.
Dr. Marvin Monroe: And this one?
Bart Simpson: Another Butterfinger.
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Just as I thought.
"Well, I won't lie there, man." Sean said, imitating Bart Simpson, "Every ink blot you're holding there looks a whole lot like Butterfingers. By the way, eat my shorts."
Lucas: *Narrating*Oh man, the rest of you 90's kids know this by now. Those famous Butterfinger commercials featuring everyone's animated menace to society, Bart Simpson from the longest-animated series on TV today, The Simpsons. And oh boy, was Bart Simpson in 1991 the biggest thing going? Not also he was in Michael Jackson's hit video Black and White, but he had his own dance and song called Do The Bartman, he had video games on the NES such as Bart Vs. The Space Mutants and Bart Vs. The World, and as you noticed it, he launched himself to even bigger superstardom with the Butterfinger commercials.
Sean: *Narrating* And the one we're seeing right here is the commercial where Bart gets in therapy with help from Dr. Marvin Monroe, voiced by the show's very own, Harry Shearer.
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Your obsession with this so-called Butterfinger reveals a severe neurosis, which can be overcome only by sharing the very object you hold most dear.
Bart Simpson: Speak English, doc.
"Yeah, doc. Bart doesn't understand dumbass." Lucas shrugged his shoulders, "I mean, you oughta know that by now."
Dr. Marvin Monroe: I want that Butterfinger!
(Marvin tries to grab Bart, but Bart moves out of the way, forcing Marvin to land a couch instead.)
Bart Simpson: You need help, man!
"Homer Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Edna Krabappel and Principal Skinner could say the same too." Sean nodded before replying, "I mean, have you seen those Butterfinger commercials? You have one where Homer's threatening his son to put the Butterfinger in his mouth, there's another one where Nelson is practically stealing both Bart's lunch money and Butterfinger, and you literally have a commercial where Bart's teacher and principal are hijacking Bart's Butterfinger from his locker, only for Bart to trap them in there. And everytime, they FAIL. Don't these people ever get what Bart's trying to tell them?"
Lucas then folded his arms and said to the camera, "If they still don't get it, well then, here's what they all need to do."
But then all of a sudden, Brian pops out of the couch and says, "They all do the Bartman?"
"No." Lucas shook his head to Brian.
"Is it 'Eat My Shorts'?" guessed Brian.
"Not even THAT close." Lucas shook his head.
"Oh, I got it." Brian said, snapping his finger, "Bite my shiny metal ass."
"Dude, that's Futurama." Lucas corrected Brian while at the same time Sean took a deep breath.
"Brian, what my main man Lucas is trying to say is," Sean said before he and Lucas shouted to the camera, "NOBODY BETTER LAY A FINGER ON BART'S MOTHERFUCKING BUTTERFINGER!"
Being bothered by their loud threatening voices, Brian cowered a bit as he said, "Okay, sorry I asked."
And then, he lowered himself back down behind Sean's couch, therefore confusing Lucas a little bit.
"Um, why is Brian behind your couch?" Lucas asked Sean.
Sean shook his head and shrugged, "Hell if I know."
Narrator: Get a crispity, crunchity, peanut-buttery burst in every bite of Butterfinger!
(Bart bursts out of the therapist's office riding on his signature skateboard.)
Dr. Marvin Monroe: *yelling* Wait, boy! Your hour's not up yet!
Bart Simpson: Sorry, man.
(Bart then takes a bite of his Butterfinger)
Bart Simpson: But nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!
"And we mean it." Sean and Lucas warned everyone, crossing their arms to the camera.
(TV static transition to: Super Soaker 100 commercial from 1992)
(We see two unpopular boys standing in front of the door, trying to go to a popular girl's pool party)
Buffy: Did I forget to invite you to the pool party? Well, maybe next year.
(Buffy closes the door on them)
"Boy, what a stuck-up bitch." Sean said. "At least invite them to the pool party."
"Who the hell does she think she is? Chloe Bourgeois from Miraculous Ladybug?" Lucas gruffingly replied.
Announcer: On those occasions, when you need to make a big splash…
(We see the two boys dressed as the Blues Brothers while one of the boys are holding a bag)
"By crashing the pool party dressed as Jake and Elwood Blues?" Brian asked.
(The first boy pulls out the Super Soaker 100 from out of the bag)
Announcer: There's the Super Soaker 100. Equipped with a powerful air-pressure system.
"Ahh, the Super Soaker 100." Lucas sighed before saying, "Pretty much a young-kid's version of an AK-47."
Kid #1: Oh, Buffy.
"Time to get wet." Sean said, imitating the kid.
(The kid sprays Buffy with the Super Soaker and sprays everybody at the party)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit, kid! Calm down. You're spraying these people at the party like you're whacking a character from The Sopranos.
Announcer: A range of up to 60 feet.
(The guests make a run for it while the kid's friend starts eating something)
"What? The other kid can't get a Super Soaker and join the fun as well? All he's doing is just eating while he watches his friend spray the living crap out of these people." Sean said.
"I act like that whenever I see a wet t-shirt contest going on." Lucas smirked naughtily.
Announcer: And a drenching spray.
"And they're great for wet t-shirt contests!" Sean smirked.
Announcer: The Super Soaker 100.
Kid #2: It's a water gun of a higher caliber.
Sean chuckles a bit. "Kid, it's a water gun. You're acting like it's more powerful than Dirty Harry's magnum."
"I bet those guests at the pool party ain't feeling lucky right now, do they, punk?" Lucas shook his head with a smirk.
(Two more Super Soaker products are shown: the Super Soaker 200 and the Super Soaker 50)
Announcer: Also the 50 or the ultimate, the 200.
"And for the granddaddy of all Super Soakers, the Super Soaker 5000." Sean said.
"Trust me, no one forgets the 5000." Lucas said, pointing to the camera.
(TV static transition to: Apple commercial circa 1984)
(We see a group of people walking through a futuristic tunnel while the voice of Big Brother, David Graham, speaks out offscreen.)
Big Brother (voiced by David Graham): Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology—where each worker may bloom, secure from the pests purveying contradictory truths.
(While he's talking though, the scene switches to a nameless female track-and-field runner, who's running through the hallway with a hammer in hand while the rest of Big Brother's followers follow her.)
"Now this… is… AMAZING!" Sean shouted in crazy, joyful way.
"Ladies and gentleman, you want the granddaddy of all Super Bowl commercials, this one screws them all in the ass and calls it daddy!" Lucas smirked out, feeling the same way Sean was feeling.
Sean: *Narrating* Okay, the first time you watch Super Bowl XVIII between the Redskins and Raiders in the 3rd quarter with 6:32 left to go, which is the first thing you see when it goes to commercial break? This sweet piece of awesomeness coming to you from the likes of Apple Inc. And I literally have no words, this is just perfect.
Lucas: *Narrating* This Super Bowl commercial from 1984 literally takes us to 1984 in the form of a George Orwell-styled setting, and it's all directed by none other than Ridley Fuckin' Scott. Which is best known for this little classic right there.
(A clip of Ridley Scott's "Alien" plays showing Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley.)
Ellen Ripley (played by Sigourney Weaver): You... are... my lucky star.
Lucas: *Narrating* Yep, the dude who directed the "1984" Apple commercial directed "Alien". One of the most scariest sci-fi movies ever to come out of 1979. Go check it out if your want your pants being shitted on.
(The clip them goes back to the Apple Computer commercial, where Big Brother continues his speech and a camera scrolls to the left, showing Big Brother's followers.)
Big Brother: Our Unification of Thoughts is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth.
"Yeah, um… doesn't Big Brother know that his ass is about to get shattered by a hammer any second now?" Sean replied while he shrugged, "I mean, is he so stupid that he can't even friggin' pay attention to what's going down there?"
Lucas scoffed as he chuckled, "Big Brother? More like Big Blind-Ass Brother!"
(The runner then enters the theatre, getting closer to the picture where Big Brother is still continuing to talk.)
Big Brother: We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause.
"Why, you gonna continue to bore us to death with your fucking speech?" Lucas spoke out of pure boredom, "I mean, can you hurry this the hell up already?"
(The runner gets ready to swing the hammer as Big Brother finally comes close to ending his speech.)
Big Brother: Our enemies shall talk themselves to death, and we will bury them with their own confusion!
(The woman then throws the hammer to the screen.)
Big Brother: We shall prevail!
Lucas (V.O. as the unnamed runner): Prevail this, douchebag!
(The hammer hits the screen, exploding into a big flash of light, therefore freezing the rest of Big Brother's followers.)
Sean and Lucas are both taken by the big explosion they see in front of their face, which forces them to hold onto their seat cushions for safety. Once the explosion lowered down, Lucas and Sean let out a sigh of relief.
"I… am… blown… away." Sean spoke a bit slowly.
"Me… too." Lucas nodded before looking to the camera, "Ridley Scott, you are ETERNAL!"
"Hell yeah, he is!" Sean nodded.
Narrator: On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like "1984".
(The commercial finally ends when the screen fades to a black screen with the rainbow Apple logo only shown.)
"And it totally wouldn't be." Lucas shook his head before bringing out something from the sofa, "Because nowadays, the '1984' we like to remember…"
And then, Lucas pulled out the "1984" album from Van Halen, surprising Sean yet again.
"...it's this '1984'!" Lucas smirked out.
"Hell yeah, my friend." Sean high-fived his friend before looking toward the camera, "Well, folks. We're gonna wrap this up here. Thank you for joining us on this sick nostalgia trip full of laughs, jokes, Butterfingers, ice cream, KickStarts, and not to mention dat 1984 that Lucas has got holding in his hands. Lucas, thanks for having you on here."
"Feels damn good to be with ya, hopefully we'll have more commercial specials we can totally waste ourselves on." Lucas nodded.
"Until then, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and…." Sean said right until his phone starts ringing right before he does his traditional closing intro. "Hello?"
Female Announcer from Fantasy Girls: Will you love to share your fantasies with me.
"No, I got a girlfriend!" Sean yelled out as he ends the call.
"Yeah, that's her loss." Lucas nodded before saying, "So, wanna drink some more KickStart and blast Hot For Teacher?"
"Hell, yeah!" Sean said before looking at the camera. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic."
"And I'm Lucas saying, we got it bad, got it bad, got it bad." Lucas winked to the camera before saying these final words, "We're hot for teacher."
And then, the episode finally closes with Sean and Lucas dancing very crazily to "Hot For Teacher" while drinking their respective Mountain Dew KickStarts.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Any questions?
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's second commercials retrospective Commercials II. Any of the commercials you liked in this chapter? Special thanks and shout-out to fellow writer UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for helping me out and doing the entire retrospective with me. Again, thanks for the help and picking out the commercials. Can't wait to do Commercials III with you. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Sean reviews what was supposed to be Indy's last crusade… until Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, then asks if this is better than Raiders of the Lost Ark. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, for the upcoming "Summer of…" special, I will be doing either The Summer of Star Wars or The Summer of '89. Which one should I do? After the Last Crusade review, I will be reviewing Godzilla '98 after this, so I might do either Star Wars or '89 after my Godzilla review. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.