The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean and Brian reviewed the third and final film of the Star Wars prequels Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and they both say how good the movie was and it was the best one yet. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues The Summer of Star Wars with the one movie that started it all, Star Wars. So, without further ado this is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Grab yourself an ice cold can of Mountain Dew Liberty Brew, munch on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Wars is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, LucasFilm LTD. and Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part III: Star Wars
"Good evening, my intergalactic assembly. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!" Sean said in a deep voice as he stood up on the couch before sitting back down. "Today, we're going to talk about Star Wars or Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope."
(The Star Wars theme plays while clips from A New Hope are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No need to give this movie an introduction, it's one of the biggest damn movies ever made that turned filmmaker George Lucas into a worldwide legend. The movie was released in theaters on May 25th, 1977. It changed the way we looked at movies. The movie was a worldwide smash, earning over $750 million dollars, making the most successful movie ever. It received ten Academy Awards including Best Picture and merchandising for Star Wars were huge when Kenner released the toys and kids went crazy and a nightmare for parents to track down. When I was about 5 years old, my mother introduced me to the original Star Wars trilogy when she owned the original theatrical version when they released the 1995 last chance to own VHS before they received a special edition upgrade. Many of us younger fans never gotten a chance to see Star Wars on the big screen and the re-release was a big deal. Don't worry, I'll get to the special edition re-release. You all know the story by now. The movie tells the adventures of a young man joining a group of rebels to stop an evil empire and restoring freedom to the people.
"Sadly, over the years, this movie has become a victim of special editions and enhancements and all sorts of shit." Sean said.
(More clips are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, there's the despecialized versions of the original film trilogy. Back in 2011, I did managed to get the limited edition two-disc DVDs with the special edition and the original theatrical versions. Today, I will be looking at the original theatrical version the way it was meant to be seen without the added bullshit.
"Well, grab your Star Wars lightsaber and your Darth Vader action figure, this is Star Wars." Sean said.
(The words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…" is shown on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we get our opening text scroll telling us that it's a period of civil war and somehow the Rebels won their first victory against the Galactic Empire and during the battles a group of rebel spies managed to steal the Death Star plans. Don't worry, when we get to Rogue One, it'll explain everything. After our opening text scroll, our story begins… (In a booming, echoing voice) IN SPACE! We see a starship getting pursued by an Imperial Star Destroyer over Tatooine.
(We see the Star Destroyer pursuing the Tantive IV while firing at it)
"Man, that ship is too damn big to fit in a ten-second clip. Damn!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The starship known as the Tantive IV has Princess Leia aboard and not only it holds the Princess, it's holding our droid leads C-3PO played by Anthony Daniels and R2-D2 played by the late Kenny Baker. The Imperials manage to knock out the main reactor and allowing the Star Destroyer capture the ship and send their stormtroopers to board.
"Oh, come on. They're stormtroopers and we all know how they operate and what they do and how their aim is. They can't shoot for sh…" Sean said.
(We see the Imperial stormtroopers boarding the Tantive IV. We see them managing to hit a few rebel guards)
"Wow, some of them are good shots." Sean said, looking surprised.
Sean: (Narrating) C-3PO and R2-D2 walk right through the hallway and becoming the lucky bastards that they are from not getting hit from any of the laser blasts, escaping the combat as Darth Vader, played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones, assess the damage.
(Darth Vader assesses the damage)
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Yep. Those bitches are dead. Let's move on so I can choke people out.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going down, Princess Leia Organa, played by the late Carrie Fisher respectively, gets R2 on the side for some top secret business, which we won't have it cleared up for quite a bit, let's move on to Darth Vader, who's busy choking somebody right now while interrogating him.
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): (While questioning Captain Antilles) Where are those transmissions you intercepted? What have you done with those plans?
Captain Antilles (Played by Peter Geddis): We intercepted no transmissions. This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission.
Darth Vader: If this is a consular ship where is the ambassador?
(Vader kills Antilles)
Darth Vader: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the passengers! I want them alive!
"You know, I wonder what it would be like if James Earl Jones didn't voice Darth Vader. Then they would have David Prowse doing his voice as well." Sean said.
(Raw behind the scenes footage of Star Wars is shown)
David Prowse (as Darth Vader): Start tearing this ship apart, piece by piece until you found those tapes. Find the passengers of this vessel! I want them alive!/You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her away!
Brian and the others start booing at the footage.
"All right. All right. We can agree that the movie will suck with Prowse's voice." Sean said.
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): This is madness.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Princess Leia ends up getting captured by the Imperials as C-3PO and R2-D2 escape in an escape pod.
(The escape pod ejects from the ship as two Imperial officers look on)
Imperial Officer #1: There goes another one.
Imperial Officer #2: Hold your fire. There's no life-forms. It must have short-circuited.
"It's probably nothing. Let's look for other things to shoot at. Hey look, there's somebody watching the Star Wars Holiday Special. Let's shoot at him." Sean said as we hear the sound of laser turrets firing with an explosion and the sound of the classic Wilhelm scream.
Wilhelm Scream Counter #3
Sean: (Narrating) After the two droids escape the ship after R2 keeps rambling to C-3PO about a secret mission, Vader interrogates Princess Leia about where the secret plans are but she plays it off like she doesn't know anything. In other words, she ain't telling him jack shit and Jack left town.
Daine Jir (Played by Al Lampert): Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out it could generate sympathy for the rebellion in the senate
Darth Vader: I've traced the rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base/
Daine Jir: She'll die before she'll tell you anything.
Darth Vader: Leave that to me.
We cut back to Sean, who is now sporting a Darth Vader mask before speaking in his Darth Vader voice. "I have my ways. I'm known to force choke the answers out of them."
Sean: (Narrating) But there's still the problem with the plans that they haven't recovered on the ship as Vader figured that Princess Leia's hidden the plans in the escape pod. So, where's the escape pod? Down on Tatooine, of course, as we see C-3PO and R2-D2 walking down the desert and R2 being the droid on a mission but C-3PO bickers with R2 like an old married couple.
C-3PO: I've just about had enough of you. Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile. (Kicks R2) And don't let me catch you following me begging for help because you won't get it.
(C-3PO walks away as R2-D2 beeps and whistles)
C-3PO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way.
Sean: (V/O as C-3PO) You think we should go that way?
(R2-D2 beeps)
Sean: (V/O as C-3PO) Well, I'm going this way.
Sean: (Narrating) C-3PO and R2-D2 go their separate ways, as C-3PO walks down the desert, only to find more sand and lots of sand until he finds a mysterious vehicle on the horizon. As for R2, he slips through a rocky valley, only to be jumped by Jawas.
(One of the Jawas shoot R2-D2 with an EMP gun, disabling him until R2 tips over)
"Uh, was there somebody on set kicking R2-D2 down to the ground?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, R2-D2 gets captured by the Jawas and he reunites with C-3PO, who gets himself captured by the Jawas as well. Turns out that the Jawas are scavengers that scoop up whatever machines they could find and sell to the locals and where's the first place that they stop off at? By a moisture farm, where are main hero Luke Skywalker played by Mark Hamill is looking to buy some droids along with his uncle Owen, played by the late Phil Brown.
Uncle Owen (Played by the late Phil Brown): What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
C-3PO: Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters, very similar to your vaporators in most respects.
Uncle Owen: Can you speak Bocce?
C-3PO: Of course I can, sir? It's like a second language to me…
Uncle Owen: Yeah, all right. Shut up. I'll take this one.
"Okay, how the fuck does he not recognize C-3PO? He lived with him and Beru and his father after he bought Shmi. Any explanation to why he doesn't recognize him?" Sean asked.
"Well, he hasn't seen him in what 20 something years." Brian said.
"What? Did they wipe Uncle Owen's memory as well?" Sean asked.
"Oy." Brian said as he makes a facepalm.
(A clip from Captain America: Civil War is shown)
Tony Stark (Played by Robert Downey Jr.): I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Luke ends up getting C-3PO and the red astrodroid instead of R2-D2, but the other droid suffers a catastrophic failure.
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Uncle Owen!
Uncle Owen: Yeah?
Luke Skywalker: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look.
Uncle Owen: Hey, what are you trying to push on us?
"Hey, you should've listened to John Matarese. He always tells us don't waste your money." Sean said.
"That he does, that he does." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) They eventually get R2-D2 and Luke takes them home to clean them up and makes conversation with C-3PO and finds out that the droids were in the previous hands of the rebellion, then he finds a message from Princess Leia.
Princess Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. (The message plays back again) Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
(R2-D2 beeps)
C-3PO: He says it's nothing, sir, merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind.
Luke Skywalker: Who is she? She's beautiful.
"You'll find out later, man. Just don't have any naughty thoughts about her. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The message is incomplete but the droid assures them that they can play back the full message. But the only way to do that is for Luke to remove that pesky restraining bolt that's on him.
(Luke removes the restraining bolt from off of R2-D2 and the message stops playing)
Luke Skywalker: There you go. (Sees that R2 stops playing the message) Wait a minute, where'd she go? Play it back. Play back the entire message.
C-3PO: What message? (Hits R2-D2) The one you've just been playing.
"See that? This proves to show that computers tend to act as dumb." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, that intergalactic holographic voicemail has to wait because Luke is about to have dinner with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, played by the late Shelagh Fraser. We see that they're having a nice little meal. I don't know what their eating. It must've been bantha meat with rice and a nice cup of blue milk.
"I wonder what blue milk tastes like." Sean said as he pours himself a glass of blue milk, then he starts drinking it. The young critic looks at the camera with a smile on his face, indicating that he likes it.
"You know it comes from banthas, right?" Taylor asked.
"So?" Sean asked while he continues to drink the blue milk.
"Mark Hamill stated that the blue milk was "life-long milk" with additives and they put blue food coloring in it." Taylor said as Sean spits out the blue milk and makes a disgusted face.
"Ugh! It's horrible!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) During the meal, Luke brings up that the droids belong to someone named Obi-Wan Kenobi, but Uncle Owen shrugs it off . Then, Luke tells Uncle Owen that he wants to transmit his application to the academy if the new droids work out.
Uncle Owen: You mean the next semester before the harvest?
Luke Skywalker: Sure, there's more than enough droids.
Uncle Owen: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one season more. This year, we'll make enough in the harvest that I'll hire some more hand and then you can go to the academy next year. You must understand I need you, you know?
Luke Skywalker: But it's a whole another year.
Uncle Owen: It's only one more season.
"In other words, fuck your future. You're staying here on this godforsaken sand heap." Sean said.
Aunt Beru (Played by the late Shelagh Fraser): Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone. It means so much to him.
Uncle Owen: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise.
Aunt Beru: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.
Uncle Owen: That's what I'm afraid of.
"We learn through the book From a Certain Point of View that Obi-Wan saved Luke when he was a kid, and Owen didn't take it well." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After learning that he is going to be stuck on this planet for another year for harvest season and not going anywhere, Luke takes a moment to look at the Binary Sunset in this iconic scene.
(Luke stares off at Tatooine's twin suns while John Williams' epic music plays throughout the scene)
Sean smiles from listening to John Williams' music score. "John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, ladies and gentlemen."
(We cut to footage of John Williams conducting music with the London Symphony Orchestra)
"Okay, now play the NBC Nightly News theme music." Sean said.
(The NBC Nightly News theme also known as The Mission Part I starts playing as we cut to footage of John Williams composing the music)
"Heard John got the score worked out in about two weeks." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that iconic scene, Luke finds out that R2-D2 ran off in the middle of the night because Luke removed his restraining bolt. So, he waits until morning to chase after him. Well, at least his aunt and uncle didn't find out about the little droid running away. Eventually, Luke and C-3PO easily track R2-D2 and just in time too because R2 detects some hostile creatures approaching, so Luke decides to check it out.
(Luke sees two Banthas)
Luke Skywalker: Well, there are two Banthas down there, but I don't see any… wait a second. (Sees one of the Sand People) They're Sand People, all right. I can see one of them now.
(One of the Sand People pop up and does it's signature battle cry as C-3PO screams and falls over)
"See? This is what happens when you spy on the Tusken Raiders having their private time with the Banthas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just love C-3PO's reaction after seeing the Tusken Raider getting ready to attack Luke. That scream is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my life.
"This is the kind of reaction you could put in anything and it works. Case in point, let's take a look at a few scenes with C-3PO's reaction." Sean said.
(A clip from Resident Evil 2 is shown showing the character Mr. X aka Tyrant moving the helicopter away, then we cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over)
(A clip from Venom is shown)
Carlton Drake (Played by Riz Ahmed): This is the last time I'm asking you. Where is my Symbiote?
Eddie Brock (Played by Tom Hardy): I have no idea.
(Drake changes into Riot)
Riot: Where is he?
(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over again)
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Sal Valestra, your angel of death awaits.
(The Phantasm removes the newspaper away, revealing Valestra with a ghastly grin on his face)
(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over once more)
"Try it out at home. I want to see what you could come up with." Sean said. "Wait, I have the perfect one."
(A clip from the Star Wars Holiday Special is shown)
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special. Starring Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker….
(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over)
Sean: (Narrating) Before the Sand People deliver Luke an ass whooping for spying on them, another figure swoops in and scares them off. And this mysterious figure turned out to be…
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by the late Alec Guiness): Hello, there.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi played by Alec Guiness. Or Ben Kenobi. We're not supposed to know that yet. Goddamn it, I ruined the reveal for you!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) He's been hiding here on Tatooine for decades. I mean, it's not like he's going to reveal his identity to Luke.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan. Now, that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time.
Luke Skywalker: I think my uncle knows him. He said he was dead.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet.
Luke Skywalker: You know him?
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Well, of course I know him. He's me.
"You fucking idiot." Sean rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) They go to his house to avoid any more Sand People attacks and Ben reveals more about himself to Luke.
Luke Skywalker: You fought in the Clone Wars?
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes. I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father.
Luke Skywalker: I wish I'd known him.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: He was the best starpilot in the galaxy and a cunning warrior.
"And a bit of a cry baby as well." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough but your uncle wouldn't allow it.
"Maybe it was because he murdered children with it and it was full of hatred." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This of course happens to be his father's lightsaber because it's a weapon so useful that you could easily win a fight with when somebody brings a gun to a lightsaber duel. And then Obi-Wan tells Luke about the Force.
(A clip from The Phantom Menace is shown)
Qui-Gon Jinn (Played by Liam Neeson): Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life-form that resides….
"No! We do not need to hear that crap from Liam Neeson. Let Alec Guiness tell us about the Force." Sean said.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together.
"Thank you." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough of all this backstory though, it's time for the holographic message from Leia. It turns out that she's placed some important information that's vital to the survival of the rebellion into R2-D2's memory and requests and requests that Obi-Wan delivers it to Alderaan so her father can recover the data so they can stop the Empire. Obi-Wan requests that Luke goes to Alderaan with him but Luke refuses to help out because he's got work to do at home. Anyway, let's check with the Imperials as we see their super secret deadly weapon the Death Star and we see them having a meeting about the battle station being fully operational and the Rebel Alliance being more dangerous and we're also introduced to Grand Moff Tarkin, played by the late Peter Cushing. Tarkin is in overall command of the station, thanks to the Emperor, who though mentioned won't appear until the next film.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Played by the late Peter Cushing): The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local system in line, fear of this battle station.
General Taggi (Played by the late Don Henderson) And what of the rebellion? If the rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station it is possible, however unlikely that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
"Yeah. A weakness that they might find to destroy the battle station. Thanks to a certain someone who I won't mention until Rogue One: A Star Wars Story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) One of the other Imperial officers, Admiral Motti played by the late Richard LeParmentier, suggests that they use this battle station to destroy the rebels because it is now the ultimate power in the universe. But Vader says that the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. Then Motti, being a dumbass that he is, thought it would be a great idea to bad-mouth the Force.
Admiral Motti (Played by the late Richard LeParmentier): Don't frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes…
(A clip from Tru TV's World's Dumbest Partiers is shown)
Michael Loftus: (as Lawyer) Shh. As your lawyer, shut the (bleep) up.
Admiral Motti: …or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortre…
(Darth Vader force chokes Motti)
(A sound clip from the 1980 radio drama Star Wars is played)
Darth Vader (Voiced by the late Brock Peters): Are you having trouble breathing, Motti? I s your throat constricted, as though some force were at work?
"Don't choke on you aspirations, Admiral." Sean said, imitating Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
(Vader continues to choke Motti with his force powers)
Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this. Vader, release him.
Darth Vader: As you wish.
(Vader releases Motti as the Admiral catches his breath)
"I bet you Admiral Motti is probably thinking right now, "I gotta get that transfer to 1947 California."." Sean said referencing the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, a movie which actor Richard LeParmentier appeared in.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Tatooine, Luke and Obi-Wan stumble across a group of dead Jawas who sold Luke C-3PO and R2-D2. This must be the work of Sand People, but it's not Sand People. This is the work of something else.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: And these blast points, too accurate for Sand People. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise.
"How would you know that they're imperial stormtroopers? You know that their aim is shitty, right." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke learns why imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas because they're looking for C-3PO and R2-D2. And if they can trace the droids here and they may have learned that they sold to someone, which would lead them back to home. In that case, Luke rushes home only to find Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru….
(We see the charred bodies of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru)
"Well, this got dark." Brian said.
"Not only that they killed Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. They killed John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra." Sean said before cutting to the charred remains of John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra. "Now we're going to be stuck with Randy Edelman composing the music for the movie."
(We see Adam, playing music composer Randy Edelman composing the music for the movie with music from the movie Gettysburg playing)
"Excuse me one second." Sean said as he gets up from off of his seat.
(We cut back to Adam, who's still playing Randy Edelman, composing the music to Star Wars as Sean pops in with a green lightsaber and kills him with it)
"I don't care if your music score to Gettysburg is awesome but you're not going to be composing music to Star Wars!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) With nothing for him left on Tatooine, Luke wants to go to Alderaan with Obi-Wan and learn the ways of the Force to become a Jedi like his father. And to go to Alderaan, they need to find a pilot who would take them there. And where to find a pilot?
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
"I don't know, man. It look a little rough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they head down to Mos Eisley spaceport, which is not ruined with CGI effects because again, we're watching the theatrical cut, they come across a pair of stormtroopers who stop them and Obi-Wan uses the Force to trick the mind to fool them. A Jedi mind trick. They enter a cantina to look for a pilot and have themselves a little drink.
Ponda Baba: (Shoves Luke) (Translation: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I was wondering what is that you're drinking because it looks good.
Dr. Evazan (Played by the late Alfie Curtis): He doesn't like you.
Luke Skywalker: I'm sorry.
Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on 12 systems.
"Why the hell would you mention that in a cantina filled with people who could hear you? That's not a smart thing to do, Mr. Pig Man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan steps in to dissolve the situation but Pig Man and Ass Mouth Alien decide to cause some trouble when this happens.
(Evazan and Baba drew their blaster pistols as Kenobi drew his lightsaber and ignites it. He slashes Evazan in his chest and severs Baba's right arm)
"Now, that's how you disarm someone." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After going along with their business and seeing the patrons minding their own business after seeing somebody's arm getting cut off, Luke and Obi-Wan eventually find a pilot, a smuggler named Han Solo played by Harrison Ford and his Wookie co-pilot Chewbacca played by the late Peter Mayhew. Aside from Han being a smuggler, he's also the captain of a modifies YT-1300 Corellian light freighter known as the Millennium Falcon.
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes, indeed, if it's a fast ship.
Han Solo: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Should I have?
"Yeah, it's the ship that made the Kessel run in 14 parsecs." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is shown)
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Twelve! (Mumbles in irritation) Fourteen.
"Whatever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Han wants 10,000 all in advance but Obi-Wan wants to pay him 2,000 plus 15 when they reach Alderaan. In which, Han agrees. Before they get ready to leave, Han runs into trouble when a Rodian bounty hunter named Greedo played by Paul Blake, holds Han up at blaster point. Turns out that Han owes a certain Hutt a substantial amount of money and Greedo ain't leaving until he gets his money… or die tryin'.
Greedo (Played by Paul Blake): (Speaking in Huttese) I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Han Solo: I'll bet you have.
(Han shoots and kills Greedo)
"And that's the reason why you should have the original theatrical version. So you won't have to deal with that "Who Shot First?"-bullshit." Sean said.
"Besides, it's hard to tell who shot first. Their blasters sound the same to a blind dude like me." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after the scene George Lucas doesn't want you to see before changing it to Greedo Shot First, our heroes meet up at the Millennium Falcon so Luke can take time to call it a piece of junk. Hey, she's got the best stats ever than any other ship. And it's a good thing too because the stormtroopers are on their tail, requiring them to take off immediately and jump into lightspeed. While all that's going on, the Empire entered the Alderaan system as Governor Tarkin interrogates Princess Leia for the location of the rebel base and to squeeze out that little information, he threatens to destroy Alderaan.
Princess Leia Organa: No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly- -
Grand Moff Tarkin: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system.
"Whew. Just be glad that Peter Cushing didn't flub that line up." Sean said.
(A blooper from A New Hope is shown)
Carrie Fisher: (as Princess Leia Organa) No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly- -
Peter Cushing: (as Grand Moff Tarkin) You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the… blah! (Messes up his line as Carrie smiles and laughs) Name it, now! Before I go home.
Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, she tells him where the location is at.
Princess Leia Organa: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.
Grand Moff Tarkin: There. You see, Lord Vader? She can be reasonable. (To Admiral Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.
Princess Leia Organa: What?
Grand Moff Tarkin: You're far too trusting.
"Uh, Governor Tarkin, sir. Couldn't you at least leave Alderaan in one peace for now at least for you to be able to threaten her with it later if turns out she's lying to you. Think of the millions of people living on the planet." Sean said.
(The Death Star fires on Alderaan, destroying it)
"Or just blow it up and show the movie's impressive special effects." Sean said.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. It's either that or the chili cheese fries from Gold Star Chili that I ate." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Luke is doing some Jedi training by blocking blasts from a training remote, which he's not good at doing. Thus, Obi-Wan figures that doing that with the blast shield on his helmet down would do the trick and voila he blocks the shots. Thank you, Force. Meanwhile with the Imperials, Governor Tarkin learns that the rebel base on Dantooine has been deserted for some time.
Grand Moff Tarkin: She lied. She lied to us!
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Ross Gellar (Played by David Schwimmer): That bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with our heroes, Han takes a trip out of hyperspace, and what do you know they can't seem to find Alderaan but find themselves in a meteor shower, then they come across a Tie Fighter and to find out where it came from, they follow it to it's location.
(Luke sees the Tie Fighter heading for a moon)
Luke Skywalker: Look at him. He's heading for that small moon.
Han Solo: I think I can get him before he gets there. He's almost in range.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Sees that the moon is something else) That's no moon.
"That's yo' mama! Ohhhhhhhh!" Sean yelled out and points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Han realizes that it's a space station and tries to turn the ship around but ends up getting caught by the Death Star's tractor beam. Better cue the epic music score, Mr. Williams.
(The scene plays as we see the Millennium Falcon entering the Death Star)
Sean: (Narrating) With the ship entering the Death Star, the Imperials figure that they're trying to return the stolen plans, but they couldn't find anything.
Imperial Officer: (After checking the Millennium Falcon) There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.
Darth Vader: Did you find any droids?
Imperial Officer: No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned.
Darth Vader: Send a scanning crew aboard. I want every part of this ship checked.
Imperial Officer: Yes, sir.
Darth Vader: I sense something, a presence I've not felt since- -
"Since the time I was on that lava planet where I had my legs and arm cut off, burned alive and left for dead. Does anyone smell bacon?" Sean asked, imitating Darth Vader.
Sean: (Narrating) As it turns out they didn't just jump out of the ship and die, instead they hid underneath the floorboards in a smuggling compartment. Then they wait for scanning team to come up and ambush them and beat the shit out of two stormtroopers who were standing outside of the ship and steal their uniforms.
(A clip from Spaceballs is shown)
Prison Guard 1 (Played by Tony Griffin): Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Prison Guard 2 (Played by the late Rick Ducommun): And beat the shit out of us, too!
"Huh? Never thought that I would be using that Spaceballs clip for this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After taking out two of the Imperial officer, our heroes have to figure out how to shut down the tractor beam in order to escape from the Death Star. Luckily for R2, he loads up the schematics for the Death Star and finds a handy dandy on/off switch for the tractor beam. But hey, Obi-Wan's got read-ahead of the script powers and figured that he'll be the one to shut down the tractor beam.
Luke Skywalker: I want to go with you.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the droids. They must be delivered safely, or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path from mine.
"Besides, you got five more of these films and Batman: The Animated Series coming your way. So yeah, you have a good path." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force will be with you always.
"And another reason why I love this movie." Sean said, referring to the classic and memorable line.
Sean: (Narrating) With Luke, Han and the others left alone in the control room, R2 stumbles across some more information that Princess Leia is being held captive on this very space station and she's scheduled for termination but Han says screw this, this is not my problem but Luke mention this that will change his mind.
Luke Skywalker: (About Princess Leia) She's rich.
(Chewbacca growls)
Han Solo: Rich?
Luke Skywalker: Mm-hmm. Rich, powerful. Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be-
Han Solo: What?
Luke Skywalker: Well, more well than you can imagine.
(We pause on Han Solo as a clip from the Merrie Melodies short Ali Baba Bunny is shown)
Daffy Duck (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): I'm rich! I'm wealthy! Yahoo!
Sean: (Narrating) So now they need a plan to rescue Leia. Hey, those suits might come in handy. And you have a Wookie that can pose as a prisoner to transfer him to one of the cells near the princess in the detention center.
Lt. Shann Childsen (Played by the late Malcolm Tierney): Where are you taking this… thing?
Luke Skywalker: Prisoner transfer from Cell Block 1138.
Lt. Shann Childsen: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.
"Shit! They're on to you. They're on to you. Time to go to Plan B: shoot everything in fucking sight!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) And they do by shooting the guards and the walls and the communications equipment too.
(Han shoots the communications equipment)
Han Solo: Boring conversation anyway. Luke! We're gonna have company!
"Wish I could do that to some of my friends when they start having a boring conversation with me." Sean said, sighing a bit.
(Luke finds Leia in the cell)
Princess Leia Organa: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Luke Skywalker: Huh?
"Way to insult a stormtrooper by the size of his…" Sean said.
(A clip from Bronson is shown)
Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth!
"Sorry." Sean apologizes.
Luke Skywalker: (After taking off his helmet) I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.
Princess Leia Organa: You're who?
Luke Skywalker: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with Ben Kenobi.
Princess Leia Organa: Ben Kenobi?! Where is he?
Luke Skywalker: Come on!
"Luke, buddy. I know that you knew who Obi-Wan is. How the hell would Leia know who Obi-Wan is?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Then a big shoot-out occurs and so much for their big escape plan because the stormtroopers are in their way.
(Leia grabs the blaster from out of Luke's hand and shoots a hole in the wall)
Han Solo: What the hell are you doing?
"Language, Han! This is a PG movie. Well, I did hear Obi-Wan say the word "Damn" earlier in the film and Uncle Owen saying "hell to pay". Only three curse words. We're good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they escape by diving into the garbage chute and Han becomes a dumbass by doing this.
(Fires his blaster as the blast ricochets around the garbage chute)
"Luke points out he's tried that already and Leia and Han get into a little catfight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the garbage compactor is the home of the dreaded tentacled monster known as the dianoga. Which will be my biggest fear when I played the sewer level of Shadows of the Empire on the N64. The trash creature grabs Luke and drags him underwater. Then, the creature lets him go only for this to happen.
(A clip from All That is shown)
Kate Godfrey: Hey, everybody. Ooh, a button!
(Kate run towards the big red button)
Lex, Nathan, Reece and Chinguun: (Scream) NOOOOO!
(Kate presses the button as donuts fall on them)
Reece Caddell: (Grabs a donut) Donuts.
Chinguun Sergelen: I was right. It was a donut button.
Nathan Janak: I want one of these in the dressing room.
Kate Godfrey: I wonder if it did anything else.
(Lex, Nathan, Kate, Reece and Chinguun look on and wonder if the button did anything else)
(We cut back to the film and we see the walls of the trash compactor starting to move)
Luke Skywalker: The walls are moving!
Princess Leia Organa: Don't just stand there! Try and brace it with something.
(We cut back to the All That clip)
Lex Lumpkin: Well, I guess not.
Sean: (Narrating) With our heroes about to be crushed to death, Luke tries to contact C-3PO to see if they could stop the trash compactor, but they're a little occupied with stormtroopers.
(The stormtroopers enter the control room. As they enter, one of the stormtroopers hit their head on the door)
Stormtrooper: Take over. See to him.
"Wow, aside from having the worst aim ever, it just goes to show that stormtroopers tend to be so inept when they hit their head on stuff." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough of that blatant stupidity that we saw with the stormtrooper, Luke manages to contact C-3PO to shut down all the garbage mashers in the detention level. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan successfully turns off the tractor. And then we get more banter from Han and Leia.
Princess Leia Organa: Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from but from now on, you do as I tell you, O.K.?
Han Solo: Look, Your Worshipfulness let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person- -me.
Princess Leia Organa: It's a wonder you're still alive. Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?
"Man, she doesn't take shit from anybody. I like her." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes are not out of the woods yet, on their way to the hangar, they run into more stormtroopers with their horrible aim and their terrifying abilities.
(Luke shoots one of the stormtroopers. The stormtrooper gets hit and falls. The Wilhelm scream is heard when the stormtrooper falls)
"We got a Wilhelm scream. Add it to the counter." Sean said.
Wilhelm Scream Counter #4
Sean: (Narrating) After Luke and Leia escape from the stormtroopers, Obi-Wan finds himself alone with Darth Vader, with some great lightsaber animation from David DePatie and the late Friz Freling, and they have their duel with some fantastic lines.
Darth Vader: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a master of evil, Darth.
(The two have their lightsaber duel)
"Both give it their all, despite their issues. One guy is almost 60 and the other's trapped in a mechanical suit." Sean said.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) This lightsaber duel gives enough time to distract the stormtroopers, allowing our heroes a chance to escape. Until Luke notices Obi-Wan and Vader's duel and when Obi-Wan sees Luke, he takes his cue to just kick the bucket.
(Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan)
Luke Skywalker: No!
"Or just poof out of the whole movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan sacrifices his life to become one with the Force, it's time to get the hell out of here. At least he's telling Luke to run before the stormtroopers blast him. As they escape from the Death Star, they are pursued by a squadron of Tie Fighters, in which Han and Luke use the Millennium Falcon's turrets to take on the squadron and they take them out….
"Perhaps, a little too easy." Sean said.
Grand Moff Tarkin: You're sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This have better work.
"Turns out they placed a homing beacon aboard their ship. How did they do that? I mean, they had the Death Star plans that they were trying to get from them all throughout the movie but letting them go and letting them know how to kill us. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to you, morons." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, even Princess Leia agrees that the Imperials letting them go was a little too easy and that they're tracking them but Han shrugs it off. They arrive safely at the hidden base on Yavin 4 and hey you got a planet destroying weapon on your tail. Well, at least the rebels got the plans on how to destroy the Death Star as General Dodonna, played by the late Alex McCrindle, tells them how to do it.
General Dodonna (Played by the late Alex McCrindle): A precise hit will start a chain reaction, which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction.
"An external exhaust port for the reactors that's only two meters wide? Okay, who's the idiot that put the hole there that leads to the most vulnerable part of the station? That feels like boss battles in a video game. You know what I'm talking about. You fight a boss in a video game and you wonder, "Hmm, where's the weak spot?", and then you find it and attack the boss' weak spot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time to prepare for the big battle with the Imperials as Luke joins the Rebel fighter squadron in the Death Star assault, as for Han, well he's not joining them because he's collecting his payment and getting ready to leave.
Luke Skywalker: Come on. Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them.
Han Solo: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like… suicide.
"Hey, it's not as dangerous as parenting. OHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean shouted and points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's say goodbye to Han… for now. As Luke reunites with his buddy Biggs, played by Garrick Hagon, and now it's time for the big climax of the film. But before the battle starts, time for all wings to report in.
Red 10 (Played by Robert O'Mahoney): Red 10 standing by.
Red Seven: Red Seven standing by.
Red Three (Biggs) (Played by Garrick Hagon): Red Three standing by.
Red Six (Porkins) (Played by the late William Hootkins): Red Six standing by.
Red Nine: Red Nine standing by.
Red Two (Wedge) (Played by Denis Lawson, credited as Dennis Lawson): Red Two standing by.
Red 11: Red 11 standing by.
Luke Skywalker: Red Five standing by.
(A clip from Family Guy: Blue Harvest is shown)
Red Buttons: Red Buttons standing by.
Red Foxx (Voiced by Phil LaMarr): Red Foxx standing by.
Big Red Gum: Big Red standing by.
(Camera zooms out to show a Russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings)
Red October (Voiced by John Viener): (in Sean Connery's voice): Red October standing by.
Helen Reddy (Voiced by Helen Reddy): Helen Reddy standing by.
Simply Red (Voiced by Mick Hucknall): (Entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit) Simply Red standing by.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, the climax is one big orgy filled with action and special effects. And for a movie made in 1977, it has some pretty damn good special effects and granted the only good thing with the special edition version of the film, the visual effects on the Death Star assault scene is pretty good. Well, the task for the assault is simple, have a small group of ships slip through their defenses and reach the exhaust port and destroy it. Seems like a pretty easy task to follow, unless you got a squadron of Ties getting ready to kill you. Boy, the Death Star isn't fucking around.
(Darth Vader shoots at one of the Y-Wings)
"Especially when you have Darth Vader killing every single one of the one by one. He's definitely not fucking around." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that Red Leader, played by Drewe Henley, makes the shot.
Red Leader (Played by the late Drewe Henley, credited as Drewe Hemley): Almost there.
(Red Leader fires his proton torpedoes)
Red Leader: It's away!
(The proton torpedoes hit the battle station)
"And you have terrible aim. Maverick from Top Gun would be disappointed with you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Vader eliminates Red Leader, it's time for Luke, Biggs and Wedge to start their attack run through the trench. But Vader attacks them. He damages Wedge's X-Wing, with Wedge getting out of the game but Biggs doesn't make it. And now, Luke is all alone… with Vader on his tail. While getting ready to shove a torpedo down the Death Star's ass, Luke starts hearing voices in his head.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Voice) Use the force, Luke. Let go, Luke.
Darth Vader: The Force is strong with this one.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, trust me.
(Luke switches off his targeting computer)
"Yep. His GPS has the voice of Obi-Wan installed. Or it's just his conscience telling him to use the Force." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke better hurry up and make this shot because he got Darth Vader gunning for him.
(Vader targets Luke and fires at him. He manages to hit R2 in the process)
"Agghhh! Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2-Pac?!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Cleveland from the Family Guy Star Wars parody.
Darth Vader: (Has Luke on his sights) I have you now.
(He gets ready to fire and all of a sudden one of the Tie Fighters get shot and destroyed in the process)
Darth Vader: What?!
Sean laughs at how Darth Vader says the word "What".
"Okay, is it just me or does Darth Vader sound funny saying the word "What"?" Sean asked.
Darth Vader: What?!
"What?!" Sean imitates Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: What?!
"What?!" Sean imitates Darth Vader once more.
Darth Vader: What?!
"Fire up that loud, another round of shots!" Sean imitates the singer Lil Jon as the song Turn Down for What starts playing. "Turn Down for…"
(Darth Vader pops out from the left)
Darth Vader: What?!
As the song plays, Sean starts dancing like the guy from the music video.
Lil Jon: Turn down for…
Darth Vader: What?!
Sean: (Narrating) Han comes back and saves Luke's skin and see the other Tie Fighter pilot being an idiot and crash into Vader's fighter, sending him drifting through space. And now, the moment of truth.
Han Solo: You're all clear, kid. Now, let's blow this thing and go home.
(Luke fires a torpedo at the exhaust port. The torpedo goes in as the music intensifies while we cut back to Sean, who watches in anticipation. A few minutes later, the Death Star explodes as it prepares to fire on the base)
Sean stays silent for a bit before saying another word. "WHOOO!"
(We cut back to the Death Star exploding with the words "BEST EXPLOSION EVAH!" pop up on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) BEST EXPLOSION EVAH! WHOOO!
"Okay, I'll go back and talk about the entire scene but oh my freaking god!" Sean exclaimed.
(The scene plays back again)
Sean: (Narrating) It's one of the best scenes ever. I can imagine the people who saw this movie back in 1977 cheering and jumping out of their seats when Luke blew up the Death Star. This is one of the most ultimate scenes ever in movie history.
We cut back to Sean, who sighs in relief after smoking a cigarette. "Okay, let's finish up this review."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! The rebels win their battle, the Death Star is blown to smithereens and Darth Vader drifting off into space. Just wait until Emperor Palpatine chews him out for the destruction of the Death Star.
(A clip from Robot Chicken is shown)
Emperor Palpatine (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Fuck! Oh! (Slams his fists on his desk) Fuck, fuck, fuck…!
Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes are being awarded for their heroism and I love the music in this scene, John Williams really hit it out of the park. He deserves a gold star. And this is just the beginning of one of the greatest film sagas ever.
(The film ends with the words "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS" on the screen)
"And that was Star Wars and after 42 years, this movie still holds up." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown once more while the Throne Room theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) It's still regarded as one of the best movies ever. It's a great movie of course and I have nothing bad to say about it. But I do have some nitpicks about it, it's not that perfect with some of it's questionable plot points and rough editing and some of it's effects. They're good but it's a good thing that the effects were modified in the special edition. This movie was the start of a huge franchise and it's very entertaining to watch. As a kid, I collected some of the action figures and I still do. It's a film that you and your kids should watch with it's storytelling, great acting, epic music and amazing special effects. If you're new to Star Wars, start off with the original trilogy first before watching the prequels. Star Wars gets 5 idiotic stormtroopers out of 5.
"Yes, there was room for improvement for the film, it's just the fact that George Lucas decided to mess with the film with it's CGI, messing with the Han shooting Greedo scene, putting Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett in the movie and a few other things. But the good thing about it was the film being digitally remastered for better picture and sound. Like I said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And check out Harmy's Star Wars Despecialized Edition on YouTube, they are awesome. And Disney better release the original theatrical versions when The Rise of Skywalker is released in theaters. If not, then I'm coming after Disney. I'm still pissed at them for not having Mushu and the cricket in the live-action Mulan movie. And not having Be Prepared in the live-action Lion King movie. Sons of bitches. Anyway, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and may the force be with you." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- The Force will be with you always.
And that is all for the Mayhem Critic's review of Star Wars, the despecialized version. And I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. Which one did you like, the special edition versions of the original trilogy or the original theatrical version of the original trilogy? To me, personally I like the original theatrical version. Don't worry, I will talk about the special edition changes in Empire and Jedi. Next time, Sean continues The Summer of Star Wars with The Empire Strikes Back, which is considered to be one of the best sequels ever. I'm trying to think how I'm going to make fun of this movie even though I love it. Don't forget to review this story, add it to you favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.