The Mayhem Critic
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic continued The Summer of Star Wars by reviewing the film that started the famous film franchise, Star Wars. Today, The Summer of Star Wars continues when Sean reviews the next chapter in the original trilogy The Empire Strikes Back and see how well it holds up. Now, sit back and enjoy as Sean the Mayhem Critic continues The Summer of Star Wars with The Empire Strikes Back.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources. The Empire Strikes Back is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part IV: The Empire Strikes Back
In Sean's office, we see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting behind his desk watching the intro to Andi Mack while doing a retrospective for the show. "Ah, Andi Mack. How I'm going to miss you. Wish you could've gotten a fourth season. Gives me some fanfic ideas for Jonah and Andi. I wonder if anyone wrote an Andi/Amber/Jonah threesome one-shot. If not, then I'm going to be the first one to do…"
Sean then looks at his watch and realizes what time it is.
"Oh, shit! No time for opening skits now. I've got a review to do before this month ends." Sean said as he gets up from out of his desk chair and runs downstairs. After making his way downstairs, the young critic enters the living room and sits down on his couch before starting his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic…"
Right when Sean starts his introduction, his phone starts ringing. He sighs a bit and answers his phone. "Hello?"
"Hello, Sean." The Porn Critic said.
"Oh, hi Porn Critic. What's happening?" Sean asked.
"Sean, I was wondering if you would like to do a crossover review." The Porn Critic said.
"A crossover review. On what?" Sean asked.
"Axel Braun's Girlfest 2." The Porn Critic said.
"Gee, Porn Critic. I would love to review some hot girl-on-girl porn with you, but I've got a review to do. And I've been wanting to do this review for a long time." Sean said.
"But…" The Porn Critic said.
"Bye." Sean said, ending the call before continuing his intro. "Now, as I was saying. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today…"
We cut to another movie critic, this time it's Chris Stuckmann.
"Sean." Chris Stuckmann said.
Sean screams. "Chris Stuckmann? What do you want?"
"Sean, I was wondering if you could do a crossover review with me. Here's the movie I want us to review, Disney's Descendants in honor of Cameron Boyce." Chris Stuckmann said.
"Chris, I want to do a crossover review with you but I'm a little occupied with something. So, maybe another time." Sean said as he picks up the remote to turn off Chris Stuckmann on the other line. "Okay, I will not let anything distract me. Today, we're continuing The Summer of Star Wars with the second film in the original Star Wars trilogy The Empire Strikes Back…"
(TV static transitions to: Linkara)
"Sean!" Linkara exclaimed.
"Aaah! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.
"I was wondering if you would like to do a crossover review on the topic of the Batman: Mask of the Phantasm comic?" Linkara asked.
"No time! Empire Strikes Back review!" Sean exclaimed as he changes the channel.
"Oh, you son of a…" Linkara said.
(TV static transitions to: The Unusual Suspect)
"Hi, Sean." The Unusual Suspect greets the young critic.
"Aaah! Who the hell are you?!" Sean asked.
"I'm The Unusual Suspect. Come on, you know who I am. We've talked several time." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Look, I can't talk right now…" Sean said.
"Wait, before you go any further, I was wondering if you were interested in doing a crossover reviewing…" The Unusual Suspect said before Sean cuts him off.
"No. No. Hell, no! No matter what, I'm reviewing The Empire Strikes Back today!" Sean yelled out.
"But I wanna review…" The Unusual Suspect said.
"NO!" Sean yelled as he turns off the television, then sighs in relief. "Anyway, with all that taken care of, let's get into the basic information of The Empire Strikes Back."
(The title of the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie while the Imperial March plays)
Sean: (Narrating) The Empire Strikes Back, also known as Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back was released in theaters on May 21, 1980. It is the second film in the original trilogy and it was released after that dreaded holiday special. Don't worry, I'll get to that one later. Empire is the sequel to Star Wars. George Lucas' epic space opera Star Wars changed the way we looked at movies and became a cultural phenomenon. A little information about the movie, Lucas financed The Empire Strikes Back himself with $33 million from loans and the previous film's earnings. He was going against the principles of many Hollywood producers. And that rule is never to invest one's own money. Hey, Star Wars was his baby so he was fully in command of the franchise. He chose not to direct the movie because he was overseeing his special effects company Industrial Light and Magic. So, he offered the role of director to the late Irvin Kershner, who was one of his former professors at the USC School of Cinematic Arts. For those of you who are not familiar with Irvin Kershner, he was known for directing the movies Raid on Entebee,Eyes of Laura Mars, the James Bond movie Never Say Never Again and his final film that he directed was RoboCop 2. Originally, Kershner turned Lucas down because his belief that a sequel would never meet the quality or originality of Star Wars. Hey, Kershner's agent practically strangled him to take the job and he did. Now, for the screenplay, George Lucas hired science fiction author Leigh Brackett to write Star Wars II and the two of them held story conferences. Brackett finished her first draft in early 1978. George was disappointed with her first draft and before he could discuss it with her, she tragically died of cancer. So now, he has to find a new writer. Enter Lawrence Kasdan, who had just completed writing Raiders of the Lost Ark. Kasdan was known for writing the screenplay for the John Belushi movie Continental Divide and he's known for directing the films Body Heat, Silverado, The Accidental Tourist and Wyatt Earp. The film took a darker and serious tone.
"I know it's a lot to talk about more of the film's production and I'm wasting some time, let's jump right into The Empire Strikes Back, the despecialized version. Don't worry, I will talk about some of the special edition changes as well." Sean said.
(We see the words "Before you watch Descendants 3..." on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Before you watch Descendants 3, we get our traditional scrolling text telling us that things aren't looking too good for the Rebellion because the Imperials have driven them from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. We also learn that a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth and we learn that Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Luke. After that bit of information, we open with the Star Destroyer dispatching some probe droids down on Hoth. We find our hero Luke Skywalker, once again played by Mark Hamill is avoiding any memories of the holiday special and notices something landing down on the icy planet and Luke figures that it's just nothing.
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): What's up?
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Well, I finished my circle. I don't pick up any life readings.
Han Solo: There isn't enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser.
"It's just cold as shit outside. I'm starting to get blue balls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke stays behind to check out that flaming space ball, but then…
Luke Skywalker: You smell something?
(A wampa appears and attacks Luke and his tonton)
"You were saying about it being enough life on this ice cube, Han?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Luke is getting dragged to his doom, we cut to Han Solo played once again by Harrison Ford, returning to the rebel base where we see that the Millennium Falcon is being worked on for some reason. Maybe it was because you were being chased by Imperials so Chewie can make it home for Life Day. And Chewbacca, played by Peter Mayhew, is spending time fixing it up. As soon as it gets fixed up, Han intends to leave and he lets General Rieekan know about what's going on.
Han Solo: General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore.
General Rieekan (Played by the late Bruce Boa): I'm sorry to hear that.
Han Solo: Well, there's a price on my head if I don't pay off Jabba the Hutt, I'm a dead man.
General Rieekan: A death mark's not an easy thing to live with. You're a good fighter, Solo. I hate to lose you.
Han Solo: Thank you, General.
"Hmm, General Rieekan looks very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. Where have I seen him before?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the Fawlty Towers episode Waldorf Salad is shown)
Mr. Harry Hamilton (Played by the late Bruce Boa): Could you make me a Waldorf salad?
Basil (Played by John Cleese): A… a Wa…
Mr. Harry Hamilton: Waldorf salad.
Basil: Well, I think we're just about out of Waldorfs.
Mr. Harry Hamilton: I don't believe this.
"Oh, that's Canadian actor Bruce Boa, also known as the "Waldorf Salad Guy" from Fawlty Towers. Did he finally get his Waldorf salad on Hoth?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that Han is leaving Hoth, he has to leave Princess Leia, played by Carrie Fisher respectively.
Han Solo: Well, Your Highness. Guess this is it.
Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): That's right.
Han Solo: Don't get all mushy with me. So long, Princess.
(Han leaves)
"Wow... that was awkward." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The two start to have a little catfight with each other so Han can get Leia to admit that she has the hots for him.
Princess Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.
Han Solo: I can arrange that! (Walks away) You could use a good kiss!
We cut back to Sean, who was busy drinking a bottle of Mountain Dew and does a comedic spit take after hearing Han's line.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, all this unresolved sexual tension is going to have to wait between the two of them because Luke is still missing, so Han has to go out there on his tauntaun to save him. Where is Luke you might ask? Well, he's just hanging around the wampa's cave.
(A comedic rimshot is heard)
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I'm going to mention this on the review. In the special edition version of the movie, it shows the wampa eating the tauntaun. Geez, George. Way to give kids nightmares. No wonder the movie has a dark tone. Anyway, with a conveniently place lightsaber just far enough away for him to use his Force powers to reach for it.
(Luke uses his Force powers to grab his lightsaber and frees himself. The wampa tries to attack Luke, but Luke defends himself by cutting off the creature's arm and runs out of the cave)
"Also in the special edition, it showed the wampa holding it's bloody stump. Pretty much not necessary for a PG-rated film for the whole family." Sean said.
(A clip from the special edition version of The Empire Strikes Back is shown, showing Luke cutting off the wampa's arm and a shot of the wampa holding it's bloody stump)
"You know? For kids!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke runs out in the bitter cold and freezes to death. Then, he gets a vision from a familiar face.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guinness): Luke.
(Luke sees Ben's ghost)
"I bet ya Alec Guinness was probably thinking, "Why the fuck am I doing in this fairytale rubbish?". Or the look on his face saying, "Really? You saved yourself from certain death from a wampa and you ran out of the cave just so you can freeze your ass off?". And while I was doing some research for the film while working on the review, I read that they filmed the movie in Norway and while filming the movie there, they encountered the worst winter storm in fifty years and temperatures dropped to -20 degrees and 18 feet of snow fell. Hell, the crew were unable to exit their hotel and they had to film the scene involving Luke's exit of the wampa cave by opening the hotel doors and filming Mark Hamill running out into the snow." Sean said. "Man, can you imagine them doing something like this while in 95 degree temperature?"
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to Sean who runs out of his house wearing a winter coat, a hat, gloves and a scarf in 95 degree temperature. He stops and we see him sweating)
Sean: (Pants) Jesus! It's hot like a mother. Why am I doing this? It's too hot!
(Sean walks back inside his house)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, time for some plot. Obi-Wan's ghost tells Luke to go to the Dagobah system to find a Jedi master named Yoda, who instructed Obi-Wan. After Obi-Wan's ghost tells Luke what the plot tells him to do, Han shows up and find his friend freezing to death. Then, his tauntaun dies shortly. So now Han has no choice to slice into the tauntaun in order to keep Luke warm and stay alive long enough for him to build a portable shelter.
Han Solo: (After shoving Luke inside his dead tauntaun) Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, Luke is alright and is taken back to base, only to have some scars on his face, he got those scars from a motorcycle accident that occurred between filming Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Fans speculate because Mark Hamill's face looked different after the accident but his scars were healed anyway. Anyway, Luke is glad that Han saved his life. Then, Han and Leia bicker some more.
Princess Leia: Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!
Han Solo: Who's scruffy looking?
"I'm tempted to sing Al Jarreau's Moonlighting right now because of those two bickering with each other." Sean said.
Princess Leia: Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet.
(Leia kisses Luke)
"Don't worry, we'll talk more about that kiss later when I review Return of the Jedi." Sean said.
Singers: Incest in the morning.
Announcer: Suppressed memories.
Singers: 97.1.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the rebels have picked up something on their scanners, a strange disturbance outside their base. So Han and Chewie check it out and they find an Imperial probe droid and Han blows it the hell up. Leia figures it to be an Imperial probe droid and then we cut to…
(We see an armada of Star Destroyers flying in space as the Imperial March plays)
"Easily the track ever in the whole movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) John Williams gives us another amazing score and yes, the Imperial March is by far the best thing ever about this movie. Hell, it's a track you can play when Donald Trump is on television.
(We cut to clips of Donald Trump while the Imperial March plays)
Sean: (Narrating) After introducing us to the most badass Imperial March and the Super Star Destroyer Executor, which is bigger than the other Star Destroyers. We see that Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Luke Skywalker. We're also introduced to a few Imperial officers: Captain Piett played by Kenneth Colley, General Veers played by Walter Donovan himself Julian Glover and Admiral Ozzel played by the late Michael Sheard.
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): You've found something?
Captain Piett (Played by Kenneth Colley) Yes, my lord.
(Piett shows Vader the rebel base on Hoth)
Darth Vader: That's it. The rebels are there.
Admiral Ozzel (Played by the late Michael Sheard): My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be smugglers- -
Darth Vader: That is the system. And I'm sure Skywalker is with them. Set your course for the Hoth system.
"Ozzel comes from this wealthy family thinks money can get him everything, even a rank in the Imperial Navy." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about the Imperials, back on Hoth, we see that the rebels are preparing to evacuate while Han and Chewie fix up the Millennium Falcon and Han and Luke wish each other good luck. Oh, let's get back to the Imperials. I bet somebody has done something stupid like coming out of hyperspace too soon. I bet it was Admiral Ozzel.
General Veers (Played by Julian Glover): ComScan has detected an energy field protecting an area of the sixth planet of the Hoth system. The field is strong enough to deflect any bombardment.
Darth Vader: The rebel are alerted to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of light speed to close to the system.
General Veers: He- -He felt surprise was wiser.
Darth Vader: He is as clumsy as he is stupid.
"Called it!" Sean yelled out. "I wonder what Vader is going to do. So, what's Ozzel's punishment for being an idiot?"
Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader. The fleet has moved out of light speed and we're preparing to… Aaugh!
(Vader force chokes Ozzel with his mind)
Darth Vader: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett.
Captain Piett: Yes, my lord?
Darth Vader: Make ready to land our troops beyond their energy field and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets off the system. You are in command now, Admiral Piett.
(Ozzel dies)
Admiral Piett: Thank you, Lord Vader.
"Okay, that was awesome. Vader force choked him with his mind. And he has the only competent Imperial officer to be in command. Hell, Admiral Piett is better than the other Imperial officers. Admiral Piett, you are my number #1 guy." Sean said, imitating The Joker from Batman.
Sean: (Narrating) As the Imperials get ready to move in on the rebel base, we see that the rebels have a plan for evacuation by firing the ion cannon at the Star Destroyer and knocking them out so they can leave in one piece. Also, is it just me or does the ion cannon look like a giant boob? Maybe it's just my perverted mind. We move onto one of the best highlights of the film, the impressive visual effects-filled extravaganza. The battle on the surface of Hoth with the Imperial AT-AT walkers that are shooting at them. Bad news, the Walkers have pretty tough armor, blasters do nothing.
Luke Skywalker: That armor's too strong for blasters.
"Don't worry. I have the perfect weapon." Sean said as pulls out a grenade launcher. "Let's see. How do I work this thing? Just point it at the target and pull the trigger."
Sean then sits the grenade launcher up on the table to charge it safely. Then all of a sudden, the weapon goes off and shatters the ceiling. An unharmed Sean comes out from underneath the table, covered in plaster and smoke.
"Whoa! Oh, my god!" Sean exclaimed.
(A sound clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is heard)
Fred the Fish: My leg!
Sean: (Narrating) So, the only thing to take these mechanical terrors out is by using tow cables to bring them down. Well, let's see if Luke's gunner Dak, played by John Morton, has any luck with firing his tow cable at the AT-AT walker.
(Dak tries to fire the tow cable, but Luke's speeder gets hit by AT-AT laser fire, causing Dak's console to explode in his face, killing him)
Luke Skywalker: Dak? Dak!
"Yeah, remember what Dak said a few scenes ago?" Sean asked.
Rebel Force Dak (Luke's Gunner) (Played by John Morton): Right now I feel I could take on the whole Empire myself.
"And Dak dies two minutes into taking on the Empire. Well, at least they made him a complete joke." Sean said.
(A clip from Family Guy: Something, Something, Something Dark Side is shown)
Dak: (After flying his speeder into space) Hey, Imperial fleet! Get ready to suck some Dak!
(A Star Destroyer fires at Dak's speeder and kills him)
"And this represents Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott's poor production on the field." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least Wedge, once again played by Denis Lawson and his gunner Janson, played by the late Ian Liston, have better luck at bringing the mechanical titan down with their tow cables.
(Wedge's speeder and Luke's speeder shoot at the downed AT-AT, causing it to explode)
Rebel Force Wedge (Played by Denis Lawson, credited as Dennis Lawson): Hah! That got him!
"Wait, didn't they say that their armor was too tough for blasters?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not to mention, some of them are idiots flying in front of them and Luke gets shot down and has his speeder crushed by the AT-AT, with Dak still inside. Also, with the rebels losing the battle but they're managing to evacuate. Unfortunately for Leia, she can't get out with the last transport, so she's going to leave the base with Han on the Millennium Falcon, along with Chewie and C-3PO for the ride. Well, if they can get it off of the ground.
(Han turns the switches in the Millennium Falcon on, some of the lights cut off. He hits the ship, causing some of the lights to come on)
Princess Leia: This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade.
Han Solo: This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart.
"Well, let's hope that these surprises work because you have Darth Vader and Imperial stormtroopers entering the base." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After showing off the Millennium Falcon's many surprises by shooting at a bunch of stormtroopers and escaping Hoth, you have the last hope for restoring balance to the Force losing his goddamn mind.
Luke Skywalker: I'm just setting a new course.
(R2-D2 beeps)
Luke Skywalker: We're not gonna regroup with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system.
"It'll be fine, R2. We'll be safe and sound. We'll be fine. We'll be fine." Sean said, imitating Luke Skywalker.
Sean: (Narrating) While Luke listens to the voices in his head telling him what to do, we check back in with the Millennium Falcon as we see them getting chased by three Star Destroyers and tons of Tie Fighters.
(Han outmaneuvers the Star Destroyers)
Imperial Officer: Take evasive action!
(They crash into another Star Destroyer)
"Not bad, guys, but the fighters are still following you." Sean noted.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, don't worry. At least Han can jump into light speed to get away from them.
Princess Leia: They're getting closer.
Han Solo: Oh, yeah? Watch this.
(Han tries to jump into light speed. The engine stalls)
Princess Leia: Watch what?
"Your whole life flashing right before your very eyes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the empire sending Tie Fighters on their tail, they end up in an asteroid field, which is a big problem.
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.
Han Solo: Never tell me the odds.
"Just strap yourself in and crank up the bass drums and horns because we're going in!" Sean exclaimed.
(We hear the Asteroid Field track playing during the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) And we have one of my favorite scenes ever, the asteroid field chase. Take a look at the visuals, the special effects and listen to that awesome score. It's amazing. Plus, we see how clumsy Tie Fighters are with their maneuverability. Man, the visual effects team at ILM and John Williams are on point with this scene. After that awesome moment, our heroes lose their pursuers and hide out in one of the larger asteroids. Back with Luke, he arrives in Dagobah and he has himself one hell of a crash landing when his X-Wing lands…
(We see that Luke's X-Wing lands in a swamp)
"The Swamp of Sadness from The NeverEnding Story?" Sean asked as a photo of the Swamp of Sadness and a photo of Dagobah are both shown side-by-side.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that this movie doesn't involves any suicidal droids like The NeverEnding Story has suicidal horses.
(R2 beeps as he falls into the water)
Luke Skywalker: R2? R2!
"Oh, well he's dead. Guess he's joined with Atreyu's horse Artax." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, R2 is alright. Then, he gets taken by a swamp creature and spat out. And basically, the whole movie goes like this and I hate to nitpick on a movie that I really like. The movie constantly jumps back and forth between two very distinct plot arcs and it becomes a pain in the ass. Speaking of jumping to distinct plot arcs, let's check in on Darth Vader when Admiral Piett walks in on him and see him without his helmet on.
(Admiral Piett sees Darth Vader without his helmet on)
"This is the movie letting us know that the hulking terror is not a machine, but human." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's a good thing that Admiral Piett didn't see his face because Vader would've force choked his ass like Admiral Ozzel.
Admiral Piett: Our ships have sighted the Millennium Falcon, lord, but it has entered an asteroid field, and we cannot risk- -
Darth Vader: Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses.
Admiral Piett: Yes, lord.
"Also, we see that Vader doesn't give two fucks about asteroids. You know that he doesn't fuck around." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We check back in on the Millennium Falcon when Han become Gropey McSolohands on Princess Leia. Then, we check back on Luke, who's adjusting to life alone on a desolate swamp. There's no civilization, no way to get his ship out, now he's going to be a dead son of a bitch.
Luke Skywalker: (To R2) I don't know. I feel like...
Yoda (Performed by Frank Oz): Feel like what?
(Luke pulls out his blaster and points it at Yoda)
Luke Skywalker: Like we're being watched.
Yoda: Away with your weapon. I mean you no harm.
"And we see that this planet is inhabited by the annoying little green muppet that oddly sounds like Miss Piggy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's see if this little annoying muppet, who's played by Frank Oz, be useful to Luke.
Luke Skywalker: I'm looking for a Jedi master.
Yoda: Oh. Jedi master Yoda. You seek Yoda.
Luke Skywalker: You know him?
"This green dude does know him, and Luke leaves R2 in charge of their camp." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he takes Luke to see Yoda, they must eat first. Some good food. Back with Han, we see that they're trying to fix the hyper drive on the Millennium Falcon, then him and Leia have a little private time by releasing some of that sexual tension.
Han Solo: (Holds Leia's hand) Scoundrel? Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.
(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)
Princess Leia: Stop that.
Han Solo: Stop what?
Princess Leia: Stop that. My hands are dirty.
Han Solo: My hands are dirty, too. What are you afraid of?
Princess Leia: Afraid?
Han Solo: You're trembling.
Princess Leia: I'm not trembling.
Han Solo: You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.
Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: (Leans his head closer towards Leia's face) I'm a nice man.
Princess Leia: No, you're not. You're- -
(Han kisses Leia)
"That's right, baby. This scoundrel turns you on and he's going to kiss you long and hard. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a sensual and deep voice.
C-3PO: Sir, sir!
(The record scratches as Han and Leia stop kissing right when C-3PO enters)
C-3PO: I've isolated the power flux coupling.
"Only for him to be cockblocked by an annoying metallic golden dildo." Sean said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
(A clip from the David Spates video Cockblocking #1 is shown)
John: (After being cockblocked by David) I got something for your ass. I got something for you, Dave.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the Empire, we see that they're in hot pursuit for our heroes and Admiral Piett let's Vader know that the emperor is on line 1 waiting for his call.
"Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and show you the theatrical version and the special edition version of this scene. First up, the theatrical version. In the theatrical version, the Emperor is played by the late Marjorie Eaton and he is voiced by Clive Revill, who's known for voicing Alfred in three episodes of Batman: The Animated Series before Efrem Zimbalist Jr. took over the role. This was before Ian McDiarmid took over as Sheeve "The Senate" Palpatine. So, let's take a look at the despecialized version first."
Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master.
Emperor (Played by the late Marjorie Eaton and voiced by Clive Revill): There is a great disturbance in the Force.
Darth Vader: I have felt it.
Emperor: We have a new enemy Luke Skywalker.
Darth Vader: Yes, my master.
Emperor: He could destroy us.
Darth Vader: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him.
Emperor: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.
Darth Vader: If he could be turned he would become a powerful ally.
Emperor: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?
Darth Vader: He will join us or die, master.
"Alright, now let me show you the 2011 Blu-Ray with Ian McDiarmid as Emperor Palpatine. Also, just to let you know that some of the dialogue is different than the theatrical version." Sean said.
"I prefer the Blu-Ray version myself." Brian said.
(The 2011 Blu-Ray version with Ian McDiarmid as Emperor Palpatine is shown)
Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master.
Emperor (Played Ian McDiarmid): There is a great disturbance in the Force.
Darth Vader: I have felt it.
Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
Darth Vader: How is that possible?
Emperor: Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You will know it to be true. He could destroy us.
Darth Vader: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him.
Emperor: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.
Darth Vader: If he could be turned he would become a powerful ally.
Emperor: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?
Darth Vader: He will join us or die, master.
"Yeah, this change for continuity makes sense but I have a little complaint about the change. Do they have to use the bloated fat makeup from Revenge of the Sith in the special edition versions? It's pretty obvious that George just filmed this in front of a green screen and have Ian McDiarmid recite the line during filming for Revenge of the Sith. Also, shouldn't the emperor look more like the emperor from Return of the Jedi? There is a revised edit that does that and trust me, it's the better version. And third, they could've cloaked the emperor more better like cover his eyes and keep him shrouded in mystery like on The Phantom Menace until he's fully revealed in Return of the Jedi. Plus, the dialogue makes less sense in the special edition edit." Sean said.
Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
Darth Vader: How is that possible?
Emperor: Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You will know it to be true.
"The line suggests that Darth Vader has no idea who Luke Skywalker is, even though that it said it on the opening crawl. So, why the hell is he hunting down Luke Skywalker and the Millennium Falcon? It just doesn't make sense because he's got to have a reason. Ah, forget it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke hangs out with Kermit the Frog in his tiny hut while eating and he just yells at him because eating is wasting their time when he can just bring him to Master Yoda already. Then, Kermit reveals this.
Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Voice) He will learn patience
Yoda: Hmm… (Turns to Luke) Much anger in him like his father.
Sean: (V/O as Obi-Wan) That's because his father was a whiny little bitch and kills children.
Yoda: He is not ready.
Luke Skywalker: Yoda.
"Either A, Yoda's lost it after being trapped on a swamp world for the past 23 or so years, or B, he was just messing with Luke, testing him." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yoda says that Luke is reckless and he is too old for him to train. Really, motherfucker? You idiots in the Jedi Council refuse to train Anakin because you say that he is too old yet he's just friggin' nine years old and you couldn't train Luke? But he'll train him anyway.
Luke Skywalker: I'm not afraid.
Yoda: Oh… You will be. You will be.
"Playing the voice of Chucky in Child's Play, you will be. Better Chucky voice than you is Brad Dourif's." Sean said, imitating Yoda.
Sean: (Narrating) We jump back to the asteroid field with the Empire searching the Millennium Falcon and sending some Tie Bombers to lure them out. Leia is bored out of her mind sitting in this piece of junk, until she sees something that startles her.
(A creature latches onto the Millennium Falcon's window and squeals. Leia sees the creatures and screams)
"That's my exact reaction every time when I watch The Loud House and I see Chris Savino's name in the intro." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Han, Chewie and Leia go out for a look and they not only find amynock that attacks the ship's power cables, but they find outsomething about the "cave" they're in while they're about to fly out.
(They see that the "cave" is collapsing. Also, we see that the supposed "cave" has teeth)
C-3PO: We're doomed!
Princess Leia: The cave is collapsing.
Han Solo: This is no cave.
Princess Leia: What?
(The Millennium Falcon fly out of the mouth of a giant worm)
"Okay, this scene is both awesome and ridiculous at the same time. I mean, why would there be a giant slug in space. It makes no sense but I love it. Got to give props to the film's effects team to have such creativity." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, we see that Luke his beginning his training while carrying Yoda around on his back like he's a baby and more things are learned about the Force. Then Luke, starts asking questions about the dark side.
Luke Skywalker: Is the dark side stronger?
Yoda: No, no. No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
Luke Skywalker: How do I know the good side from the bad?
"Take a look at Donald Trump. He joined the dark side of the Force." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke enough with the questions and clear his mind with questions. Then, Luke feels something's not right when Yoda points him to a cave for him to go in.
Luke Skywalker: What's in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Luke goes into the dark cave and what does he find in there?
"His future roles as villains in TV, movies and animated shows." Sean said as a photo of Mark Hamill pops up and the characters that he played such as: The Trickster in The Flash, The Joker in Batman: The Animated Series, The Hobgoblin in Spider-Man: The Animated Series, The Skeleton King in Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go and Chucky in Child's Play.
Sean: (Narrating) Nope, he actually finds a vision of Darth Vader, and duels him, lovehow it's all in slow-motion.That vision when the mask was destroyed after Luke beheads the vision of Vader, I think it's either A, Anakinas he was, or what Luke could become if he was turned in the future. Back with the Imperials, we see that Vader has resorted to hiring bodyguards to track down the Millennium Falcon. We see some memorable bounty hunters like Bossk and IG-88 and then we have the most badass bounty hunter in the galaxy, Boba Fett played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by the late Jason Wingreen.
"Vader does have one condition for capturing the crew. He wants them all alive." Sean said.
Footage from the 2004 special edition with the crappy re-dub with Temura Morrison's voice, replacing Jason Wingreen's voice)
Darth Vader: No disintegrations.
Boba Fett (Played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by Temura Morrison): As you wish.
"Oh, hell no! We're not playing that scene with that shitty re-dub with Temura Morrison's voice. I should punch George Lucas for replacing Jason Wingreen's voice. If we're gonna do the Boba Fett scene, then we're doing the despecialized version of the scene with the OG's voice. Roll it!" Sean shouted.
Darth Vader: No disintegrations.
Boba Fett (Played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by the late Jason Wingreen): As you wish.
"Much better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But an Imperial Star Destroyer catches up with our heroes while they were coming out of the asteroid field. Now, let's see if the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive is fixed up.
Han Solo: 1… 2… 3!
(Han tries to jump into light speed, but once again the engine stalls again)
Han Solo: It's not fair.
Princess Leia: No light speed?
Han Solo: It's not my fault.
"And now you're dead. Any bright ideas before Lawrence Kasdan kills you off?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Apparently he does, which involves flying the Millennium Falcon into attack position and fly straight at them.
(The Millennium Falcon flies straight at the Star Destroyer and flies past them)
Captain Needa (Played by Michael Culver): Track them. They may come around for another pass.
Imperial Officer #1: Captain Needa, the ship no longer appears on our scopes.
Captain Needa: They can't have disappeared.
"Dude, you're in a universe filled with asteroid snakes, hyperspace travel and you take your orders from a space wizard in a gimp suit. What did you expect?!" Sean asked.
Imperial Officer #2: Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit.
Captain Needa: Get a shuttle ready. I shall assume full responsibility for losing them and apologize to Lord Vader.
(The words "A Few Moments Later" pop up on the screen)
Sean: (V/O as SpongeBob narrator) A few moments later.
(We see Captain Needa die by the hands of Darth Vader from being force choked by him)
Darth Vader: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Luke, we see him continuing his Jedi training by using his Force powers by stacking some stones on top of each other, but his continuously sinking X-Wing distracts him from his training. So, he tries to get out by using the Force but he sucks at he so he just gives up.
Luke Skywalker: I can't. It's too big.
"She said that's what." Sean said, imitating Yoda.
Sean: (Narrating) After Yoda makes his speech about the Force to Luke and Luke just mopes about it, Yoda manages to do the impossible in one of my favorites scenes ever.
(Yoda uses his Force powers to get Luke's X-Wing from out of the swamp)
"Yoda is a God." Sean said.
Luke Skywalker: I don't... I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.
(The screen turn black & white as the words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen and the song Ante Up by M.O.P. starts playing while we see sunglasses, a pimp hat and a pimp coat on Yoda)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Luke's stupidity, we partake in the empire's stupidity as well when they figure to check all possible locations and they forget to check that they, oh I don't know, land on the other side of the ship.
C-3PO: Captain Solo, this time you've gone too far.
(Chewbacca roars at C-3PO)
C-3PO: No, I will not be quiet, Chewbacca. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
"The reason why nobody listen to you is because you're annoying as hell!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Han figures that the Imperials follow standard imperial procedures by dumping their garbage before jumping to light speed and they'll just float away with the rest of the garbage, so that way they can find a safe port somewhere around. Where will they hide out at? Well, in Bespin. And they head down to Bespin, but they're unaware that someone is on their tail.
(We see that Boba Fett track down the Millennium Falcon)
"Turns out that the most bad-ass bounty hunter in the galaxy has read-ahead-in-the-script powers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Luke, we see that he's continuing his Jedi training with Yoda and apparently Luke has read-ahead-in-the-script powers when he senses the future, sensing that his friends in danger.
Luke Skywalker: Will they die?
Yoda: Difficult to see.
"He's not sure what to do here, he should go, if his friends are really in danger, but he's not finished with his training yet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Han, Leia, Chewie and C-3PO, they finally reach Cloud City and we're introduced to Han's old friend Lando Calrissian, played by Billy Dee Williams. Lando is the smoothest cat in the galaxy with the sexiest 70s Blaxploitation 'stache. Hell, Leia loves how smooth he is.
Lando Calrissian (Played by Billy Dee William): (Sees Leia) Hello, what have we here? Welcome. I'm Lando Calrissian, I'm the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?
Princess Leia: Leia.
Lando Calrissian: (Holds Leia's hand and kisses it) Welcome, Leia.
"Okay, now that's pimpdom right there. You know, I'm so glad that I met Billy Dee Williams at the Comic Expo back in 2016. I just wished that I brought a can of Colt 45 for him to sign. But, my mom did manage to get his autograph.
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, every time I see Lando on-screen and hearing him talk, I keep thinking that it's going to turn into a Colt 45 commercial.
(A clip from a Colt 45 commercial featuring Billy Dee Williams is shown)
Billy Dee Williams: Rule number 1: Never run out of Colt 45. Rule number 2: Never forget rule number 1.
(We cut back to the film and we see Lando smiling with the words "Colt 45. Works Every Time" on the screen)
Announcer: Colt 45. Works every time.
"They even got him to play Lando for the radio drama version by NPR in '83'." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lando gives our heroes a little walking tour of Cloud City, showing them the different locations depending on which version you're watching. Then, C-3PO discovers something fishy.
"Okay, C-3PO. I haven't talked about you more in this review because of how annoying you are in the movie. Let's see how useful you are in the movie." Sean said.
(C-3PO gets shot and destroyed)
"Luke sensed his friends in danger, but he couldn't sense that the only robotic motherfucker is going to get it first." Sean said.
"He gets shot before he has time to warn the others, useless." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke gets ready to leave for Cloud City at once, but Yoda tells him that he must complete his training and he must not go and Obi-Wan warns Luke not to go because Luke needs to learn patience. Fuck, patience! His friends are in danger. I'm sure that he's ready. Nothing bad will happen to him. As Luke leaves Dagobah, we're left with this little cliffhanger.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: That boy is our last hope.
Yoda: No, there is another.
"We'll get to that later, meanwhile." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Cloud City, the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive is being fixed up and Princess Leia senses something's wrong since nobody's seen or heard from C-3PO, so Han can talk to him about it to see what he can find out.
Princess Leia: I don't trust Lando.
Han Solo: Well, I don't trust him either. He's my friend.
"Besides, he's the only black guy in the galaxy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chewbacca finds C-3PO in a junk pile, getting ready to become melted scrap metal by the little pig people. Don't worry, figuring out what happened to him and why will have to wait though, because the smoothest cat in the galaxy has arrived and...
(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)
Lando Calrissian: (Smiles as he sees Leia) You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong with us among the clouds.
Princess Leia: Thank you.
"Macking on Princess Leia in front of Han Solo. Don't you know that she's Han's main squeeze?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lando invites Han, Leia and Chewie to a little dinner party and talks about Cloud City's operations and such. And then they're greeted by a special guest. A very special guest.
(The see Darth Vader as he gets up from out of his seat. Chewie roars as Han pulls out his blaster and shoots at him, but Vader manages to block his shots, then force grabs his blaster)
"Wow, Darth Vader was channeling his inner Wonder Woman." Sean said.
(Wonder Woman's theme from Batman v. Superman by Hans Zimmer starts playing as we see Vader blocking Han's shots)
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Lando, the only smoothest black guy in the galaxy, has sold them out to the empire. Which means that they'll have to suffer.
(We see Lando and Boba standing outside the door while Han gets tortured while the song I'm Han Solo from Xbox's Kinect Star Wars starts playing in the other room where Han is being tortured)
"No real reason for it, just to get Luke to come faster." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We learn that C-3PO was shot because he walked into a stormtrooper party and Vader's deal with Lando was Han for his city's immunity from the empire, which is changed to Han going with Boba Fett to Leia and Chewie staying in Cloud City under house arrest permanently and Vader prepares to set a trap for young Skywalker to be frozen in carbonite and captured by the empire.
Lando Calrissian: We only use this facility for carbon freezing, you put him in there it might kill him.
Darth Vader: I do not want the emperor's prize damaged. We will test it on Captain Solo.
"Do you always test your supervillain schemes on characters? If you test it out on him, it might kill him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Han is put in a cell with Leia, Chewie and C-3PO after Vader tortures him and Lando tries to warn Han Vader's plan about Vader setting a trap for Luke and him being on his way now.
Han Solo: Perfect. You've fixed us all real good, didn't you? My friend.
(Han punches Lando in the face)
"Okay, I love this scene so much, I had to edit this in." Sean said.
(We see Han punch Lando in the face once more, then the words "K.O." pop up on the screen. Then, the scene plays back once more with the "Falcon Punch!" sound effect plays right when Han punches Lando)
Han Solo: (With Ralph Kramden's voice) One of these days… (Punches Lando) Pow! Right in the kisser!
"They obviously don't believe him." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the big freeze as they prepare to freeze Han Solo in carbonite, so that way he can be taken by Boba Fett. But Chewie isn't going to let that happen but it's Han's choice to be out of the picture. So, Han tells Chewie to take care of Leia. Han and Leia kiss and then we get this line that was improvised by Harrison Ford.
Princess Leia: I love you.
Han Solo: I know.
"Okay, that is a true pimp right there. Ultimate pimpdom." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they freeze Han into carbonite and turn him into a coffee table. Now, I do have to mention the elephant in the room. Originally, Han Solo was meant to die. Harrison Ford really didn't want to come back for another Star Wars movie. Hell, him and the movie's screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan argued that Han should get axed off. The idea of him getting killed off was toyed with again when Return of the Jedi began development.
(A picture of Lawrence Kasdan pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) I'm looking at you, Kasdan. I'll get to you when I talk about The Force Awakens. But, George knew what he wanted, so he kept Han Solo alive to live a happy ending.
"Yeah, you really want to know what kept Han Solo alive? I'll give you one word: merchandising." Sean said, imitating the character Yogurt from Mel Brooks' Spaceballs.
(Images of Han Solo toys, dollar signs and money stacks are shown while Naughty By Nature's Here Comes The Money (a.k.a. Shane McMahon's entrance theme) starts playing)
"And the fans who love Han Solo, who will crucify you if something bad happens to Han Solo." Sean said as he ignites his green lightsaber.
"What he said." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Boba taking Han to Jabba the Hutt to collect his bounty and Vader taking Leia and Chewbacca as their prisoner on his ship, Luke arrives in Cloud City and gets into a shoot-out with Boba and the stormtroopers who can't aim while they're escorting Leia and Chewie out while Leia warns him that it's a trap. And then we come to the big duel between Luke and Vader.
Darth Vader: The Force is with you, young Skywalker.
(The Good, the Bad and the Ugly theme plays)
Darth Vader: But you're not a Jedi yet.
"There was a part of the score John Williams worked on for the first section of the duel, but it was cut." Brian said.
Darth Vader: You have learned much, young one.
Luke Skywalker: You'll find I'm full of surprises.
(The two continue to duel and all of a sudden, Luke's lightsaber flies out of his hand)
"Oh, sweet Jesus on a pogo stick. Really?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean (Narrating): Vader forces him into the pit, and starts, but this happens.
(Luke is able to leap out of the pit, a few seconds after the things start)
"Impressive." Sean said.
Darth Vader: Most impressive.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, things get real when Vader uses his force powers to throw stuff at him. Dude, I don't think that he's going to win this one.
(Luke flies out the window)
"Oh, well he's dead." Sean said.
(We cut to Yoda laughing and the end credits start as we see the words "Directed by IRVIN KERSHNER" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) I'm kidding. Luke's just holding on to dear life. Let's take a break from the lightsaber duel as we check in with Leia, Chewie and C-3PO being escorted by the Imperials, then Lando pulls a double-double cross on the Imperials by having his guard capture them. He tries to help Leia and Chewie but they don't believe him. So, Chewie chokes the backstabbing motherfucker!
Lando Calrissian: (While being choked by Chewie) I had no choice.
C-3PO: What are you doing? Trust him! Trust him!
"Dude, you do not know what Wookies are capable of. He can easily rip your head off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lando manages to convince them to trust him by there being a way tosave Han, but, they're too late when they get there.
(The Price is Right losing horn starts playing as Boba Fett flies away in Slave 1)
"You guys suck!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) With Boba flying away with Han frozen in carbonite, our heroes have a bunch of stormtroopers who can't aim for shit gunning for them. Oh, and R2 reunites with C-3PO. And they manage to fly away in the Millennium Falcon and leave Cloud City. Meanwhile, the Luke/Vader duel continues as they duel onto a platform with the wind blowing at them and Vader toying with Luke.
"Now, I know that Luke skipped out on his training an all but he's taking on a Sith lord who can easily kick his ass. I'm sure that Luke will be just..." Sean said.
(Vader disarms Luke by cutting off his hand as Luke screams in pain)
"Oh yeah, darker." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Luke sucks and he regrets not finishing his Jedi training on Dagobah. You know, watching this scene I couldn't help but come up with some hilarious pins while writing this review.
(We see Luke getting his hand cut off by Vader)
"Well, he served him a cut of vengeance." Sean said as a comedic drum riff is heard.
(The scene plays back again)
"Hey, Luke. Need a hand?" Sean asked as a comedic drum riff is heard.
(The scene plays back for a third time)
"Hey, what's your favorite movie? Mine's Cool Hand Luke!" Sean exclaimed as another comedic drum riff plays again.
(The scene plays back for a fourth time)
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your... dammit!" Sean yelled out as another comedic drum riff is heard.
(The scene plays back for a fifth time)
"Dude, these bad puns are getting out of hand." Brian said as another comedic drum riff is heard.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the big, giant, super, holy shit revelation of the century.
"Now, before I continue on with this review, for those of you who haven't seen this movie, here comes a big spoiler headed your way if you're reading this. This is bigger than spoilers for any Marvel Cinematic Universe movie. Hell, this was before the Marvel movies. If you don't want to know about the spoiler, then skip this part to the ending of the movie and the review. If you've seen the movie and know about it, then you're good. If you really want to know about this big shocker, get yourself some popcorn and hold on to your seats. Prepared to be shocked. Alright, play the clip." Sean said.
Darth Vader: If you only knew about the power of the dark side, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Darth Vader: No, I am your father.
(A clip from VH1's When Star Wars Ruled the World is shown)
Harrison Ford: Wait, wait, wait. What?
Darth Vader: I am your father.
Harrison Ford: Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Luke Skywalker: That's not true. That's impossible.
"Well, Luke. I have the results." Sean said, imitating Maury Povich. "In the case of 29 year old Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader, you are the father!"
(The words *You Are the Father!" is shown on the screen)
Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): NOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings is shown)
Frodo Baggins (Played by Elijah Wood): NOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Dragon Ball Z is shown)
Krillin (Voiced by Sonny Strait): NOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Star Trek: First Contact is shown)
Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): No! NOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Mortal Kombat is shown)
Johnny Cage (Played by Linden Ashby): NOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Back to the Future Part II is shown)
Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): No! Oh, please God! No!
(A clip from Toy Story 2 is shown)
Buzz Lightyear (Voiced by Tim Allen): NOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from the 1989 version of Pet Sematary is shown)
Louis Creed (Played by Dale Midkiff): NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Chief Wiggum (Voiced by Hank Azaria): Yes.
(A clip from Poltergeist is shown)
Steve Freeling (Played by Craig T. Nelson): No! No! You said no!
Chief Wiggum: I mean no.
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is shown)
Will Smith: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is shown)
Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasance): No! No! No!
(A clip from The Office is shown)
Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): No, God! No, God! Please, no! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Cop Out is shown)
Paul Hodges (Played by Tracy Morgan): No. No. Huh-huh. No. No! No! No! Hell no! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No!
"Oh, my God! That is one of the greatest shockers in movie history!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The scene is played once more)
Sean: (Narrating) When I was a kid, that revelation took me by surprise. I couldn't believe it and I didn't see that coming. When you watch kids' reactions to the big reveal of Darth Vader telling Luke that he's his father, it takes them by surprise.
"I hope my brother and his wife show Aaron that movie. I wonder how he'll react." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that big reveal, Vader wants Luke to join him and bring down the emperor so they can rule the world as father and son. So, Luke has two choices. Choice A. Join Vader by his side. And then there's Choice B...
(Luke falls)
"Be suicidal. Are you insane?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) I bet you Vader was thinking, (In his Vader voice) "What the fuck was that little bastard thinking? Why did Padme give birth to an idiot?". (In his normal voice) After that attempted suicide, Luke goes down a trapdoor which lead to another trapdoor which leads him outside and hanging onto dear life.
Luke Skywalker: Ben... Ben...
"Tom Selleck." Sean said. "Sorry, had to be done."
Sean: (Narrating) With Luke literally hanging on the line, he contacts Leia by using the Force. Leia senses that Luke is in trouble and Leia wants Lando to turn the ship around.
(The song Turn the Ship Around from the Family Guy parody of The Empire Strikes Back starts playing)
Lando Calrissian: (Sees Luke) Look, someone's up there.
Princess Leia: Chewie, slow down. Slow down and get under.
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, yeah. How can you idiots be sure that it's Luke? It could be some random dickhead just hanging around. Could you just make sure?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: Luke? Luke, if that's you raise your hand. No, your right hand. No, your other hand.
Chris Griffin (Voiced by Seth Green): (as Luke Skywalker) It's me, you fuckers!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, they save Luke and now it's time to get the hell out of Bespin. But, they have this huge problem regarding the empire on their asses. Okay, let's hope that the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon works.
Lando Calrissian: Punch it.
(Chewie tries to jump the ship into light speed, the engine stalls again as the Tie Fighters shoot at them)
Lando Calrissian: They told me they fixed it. I trusted them to fix it! It's not my fault!
"They might've had some "help", if you know what I mean." Brian said.
Darth Vader: Did your men deactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon?
"They did. Imperial agents." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While R2 tries to reactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, Luke telepathically hears the voice of Vader because he wants to have a little father-son force chat with him.
Luke Skywalker: Father.
Darth Vader: Son, come with me.
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Oh, and by the way, I apologize for cutting off your hand. I just had a flashback to Christopher Lee cutting off my hand. You don't know who he is but I managed to get back at him and cut off both of his hands and I cut off his head. Hope you get a cool metallic golden hand like me. And yes, Obi-Wan lied to you. He's an asshole. Also, it is your destiny to join me.
Luke Skywalker: Ben. Why didn't you tell me?
"Uh, yeah. You guys still have one problem regarding the fucking empire on your tail!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) But R2 manages to re-activate the Falcon's hyperdrive system and saves our heroes as the ship flees to hyperspace. As for Vader, well, somebody is definitely getting forced choked for this. Don't worry, Piett. You live. Anyway, melodramatic ending! Our heroes didn't win and I like the fact that it won't end on a happy ending like the last film because the rebellion has suffered through this tough time. Lando and Chewie begin their most dangerous adventure yet, rescuing Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett and why is Lando wearing Han's clothes in this scene? It's really weird. Luke gets a new robotic hand, just don't masturbate because you'll rip your dick off and the movie ends on sequel bait.
(The end credits start with the words "Directed by IRVIN KERSHNER" appearing on the screen while the end credits theme of the movie plays)
"And that was The Empire Strikes Back and that is how you do a sequel." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) People who enjoy Star Wars considered this to be the best in the trilogy. George Lucas said that this was the worst film in the trilogy. I could kick him in his ass for saying that and fans would too. George Lucas was wrong. This was one of my favorites out of the original trilogy and I loved that since the original film was lighthearted, this one had a dark tone, seeing our heroes in danger from the empire. The acting, the story, the visual effects, the cinematography and the music all hold up very well. After the movie's release, there was the novelization of the book. Also, a few video game adaptations of the film were released: one was a scrolling shooter video game on the Atari 2600. In the game, you control Luke Skywalker in a snowspeeder to battle against Imperial AT-AT walkers, all you do is shoot at them while avoiding their laser beams. I could talk about them but you have the Angry Video Game Nerd who talked about it on his video on the Star Wars games. Check it out, you'll get a great laugh. Then you have Super The Empire Strikes Back on the Super Nintendo. It follows the movie well just like Super Star Wars and Super Return of the Jedi. I've never played them before and from what I've heard they're hard as shit. Hopefully, they release the Super Star Wars trilogy remastered in HD. After the film was released, the movie had a mixed reception. Some critics enjoyed it and some didn't enjoy it. My only nitpick of the film is the middleness of the film and it slows down a bit after an intense action scene. But everything else is alright. The film still holds up very well and is still enjoyable and it's one of the best sequels of all time. The Empire Strikes Back gets 5 incompetent Imperial officers out of 5.
"Thank you all for tuning in for this review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and do or do not, there is no try." Sean said.
(TV static transitions to: The Unusual Suspect)
We see The Unusual Suspect standing in his home with an evil glare on his face.
"Oh hi, Suspect. Sorry for cutting you off earlier. Now, you said you wanted to do a crossover?" Sean asked.
"Yes." The Unusual Suspect said while he still glares at Sean.
"Alright. What did you have in mind for a crossover?" Sean asked.
"The Empire Strikes Back." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Oh." Sean said. "Uh... sorry about that. I... well... maybe..."
"No, Sean. That's the last straw. I didn't get to be a part of Halloween Havoc, didn't even get to cameo in you Commercials specials and now this! You think you can just push me aside so you can do another review with Brian and Lucas? Not this time! We're doing this crossover, now sit down!" The Unusual Suspect yelled.
Sean looks down at where he's sitting. "But, I'm already sitting, dumbass!"
"Well, good!" The Unusual Suspect said.
"What do you have in mind?" Sean asked.
"You and I are going to cover a subject with this foreshadowing sound effect." The Unusual Suspect said.
(We cut to black, then we hear the sound of Emperor Palpatine laughing)
"You do realize I was gonna review Return of the Jedi anyways?" Sean asked.
"Yeah. But this was much cooler." The Unusual Suspect said.
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of The Empire Strikes Back. I hope that you all enjoyed this little review and some of it's funny gags. Which one was your favorite in the review? Next time, Sean continues The Summer of Star Wars with the final chapter of the original trilogy Return of the Jedi as The Unusual Suspect joins him. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.