The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. It's December and today Sean reviews another Batman animated movie to kick off Christmas. So, here it is the better Batman & Robin movie, Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero. Sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.
Episode Seventy-Six
Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room with a smile on his face as he gets ready to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's December and you know what that means? That's right. Christmas is coming up!" Sean yelled out with a smile on his face. "Okay, let me change into my Christmas outfit.
Sean starts snapping his fingers as he immediately switches from his Xavier University sweatshirt to his Star Wars Christmas t-shirt with Yoda on it, a red long-sleeved shirt underneath his t-shirt and his "Merry Christmas 'ya filthy animal!" hat that lights up on his head. Next, his house was all decked out with Christmas decorations while Run D.M.C.'s Christmas in Hollis filled the room.
"That's right. It's Christmas time, bitches! Time to show some of my favorite Christmas movies and specials and my favorite Christmas episodes from my favorite TV shows. Okay, remember when I first started The Mayhem Critic and I reviewed Batman: Mask of the Phantasm?" Sean asked.
(Clips from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm are shown while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) I did talk about it being my favorite animated Batman film of all time and it being the best Batman movies ever and I loved it when I was a kid and as an adult, it's still my favorite. It has some great animation, an excellent story, great action, tense moments, an intimidating character that will scare the everloving piss out of you, great drama and an excellent music score by the late Shirley Walker. Okay, even though the movie bombed in theaters, it gained a cult following on VHS. Back in 2017, we finally got a Blu-Ray release of the movie and I definitely got it.
"Okay, so you had a pretty awesome movie. So, the animators at Warner Bros. decided to make a second animated Batman movie, but this time one of my favorite Batman villains is the main focus of today's feature. And that villain in Batman's rogues gallery is Mr. Freeze. With him as the main character and Batman as the supporting character in a movie simply titled Sub-Zero." Sean said.
(A clip from Injustice 2 is shown)
Sub-Zero: I have faced more dangerous foes than you.
Batman: Is that supposed to scare me?
Sub-Zero: None survived the encounter.
"Okay, as awesome as it is to see Batman fighting Sub-Zero but we don't want to see him ripping out somebody's spine. No, I'm talking about Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown while music from the movie starts playing while clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) A stand-alone sequel to Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Sub-Zero was a direct-to-video sequel that was released on home video on March 17, 1998. A year after the release of Batman & Robin. Originally, it was slated for a 1997 release as a tie-in to the movie. But it was pushed back to 1998 because of the poor reception of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin.
"Oh, I can see why because you have this guy and his bad ice puns." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Sub-Zero. The movie was directed by the late Boyd Kirkland and it was also written by Kirkland and Randy Rogel. Also, this is the final time that they use the BTAS animation style. Now, I know that you're thinking: "Sean, why are they using the BTAS designs instead of the TNBA designs.
"Okay, let me explain." Sean said.
(Music from Stage 1 of Batman (NES) plays as clips from Batman: The Animated Series and The New Batman Adventures is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) See here, after Batman: The Animated Series ended it's original run on Fox Kids back in 1995. Batman moved to Kids WB in the form of The New Batman Adventures on September 13th, 1997 and it's animation style changed to be more like Superman: The Animated Series, which aired the year before. Besides, this movie serves as the finale of Batman: The Animated Series and this movie was right after the episode Deep Freeze back in season three.
"Okay, I've been talking too much. Let's get this review started. So, let's take a look at Sub-Zero to see if it's the better Batman & Robin movie. Or maybe we should not get our hopes up. Let's watch." Sean said.
(The movie begins with Danny Elfman's Batman theme as we see the Batman symbol in an icy cave)
Sean: (Narrating) So immediately, the movie starts with that awesome Batman theme by Danny Elfman as we see the Batman symbol getting frozen.
(The Batman symbol gets frozen as we hear the sound of Mr. Freeze's Ice Gun, revealing the title of the movie "Sub-Zero" before shattering)
"Okay, now that's an impressive intro." Sean said, looking impressed.
Sean: (Narrating) I love that they have the Batman symbol floating in the cave with bats while Danny Elfman's Batman theme plays, which gives it a nice touch I might add before we see it getting frozen. So, the movie begins as we see… (Sean sees some CGI in the opening underwater sequence with the CGI ice blocks and fish) oh, my God.
"Boy, the CGI looks awful. I hate to compare this movie with Mask of the Phantasm but take a look at Mask of the Phantasm's opening." Sean said.
(We cut to the opening credits of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie had an atmospheric opening with the CGI city, the red sky, the darkness and the haunting and powerful score playing throughout the opening credits. It was well done perfectly. (We cut back to Sub-Zero) Here, the CGI sticks out like a sore thumb. But what made it worse was the animated polar bears chasing the fish in the water. And get used to the CGI in this movie because throughout the whole movie. Trust me. And for a direct-to-video movie in 1998, it looks horrendous. Why did the animators go with the mixed art style and ruin any scene with it? Hell, it only works in Spider-Man when he's swinging around New York City. Alright, now onto the story, when we last saw Mr. Freeze, we saw him and his wife Nora floating away in an ice brick. So, where's Mr. Freeze now? He's settled down in the Artic and we see that he's started a family… sort of. You have his cryogenically-encased wife Nora, an Inuit boy named Koonak voiced by Rahi Azizi and we see that he's also raising two polar bears as pets by the names of Hotchka and Shaka.
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): Koonak?
Koonak (Voiced by Rahi Azizi): Do you have dinner?
(Freeze sits the bag down, on the floor, revealing that it's salmon)
Koonak: Ooh, salmon.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Mr. Freeze, brilliantly voiced by the late Michael Ansara, is living the good life. He goes to his wife's containment unit and gives her a flower that he found in the snow, somehow. Let me point out that this is their fifteenth anniversary At the same time, we see some people in an exploration in a submarine are investigating the area crashes into his home.
(The submarine crashes through the ground, on which Freeze and Koonak are standing on. It causes a quake in the icy cave, in which Nora's container gets shattered)
Mr. Freeze: (Sees Nora's container shattered) Nora!
"Oh, it's okay, Victor. I'm sure that Nora is alright." Sean said.
(Freeze gasps as he sees his wife out of her container and we get a shot of her hand)
"Uhhhhh, nevermind. Looks like your wife is about to be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door." Sean said, referencing the Guns N' Roses song.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see the exploration team from the submarine head back into the cave, only to find the submarine and the crew frozen in ice.
Exploration Team Member #1: My God! What happened?
Exploration Team Member #2: It's the whole crew.
Mr. Freeze: Not quite.
(Freeze freezes the exploration team with his Ice Gun)
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Tyrion Lannister (Played by Peter Dinklage): It's either me or this cold and it doesn't appear to be going anywhere.
"What? I had to throw in a Game of Thrones reference for this review. And yes, winter is coming indeed." Sean said.
(We cut to Gotham City as we see a text on screen saying "Gotham City - Two weeks later.")
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to two weeks later in Gotham City on a hot, summer day as we see the kids playing in front of a fire hydrant to keep cool. We then see a thug robbing a jewelry store until the owner of the jewelry store decides to be bold and beat up the guy with a cane.
Myron: You punks have robbed me for the last time!
Myron's Wife: Myron, let the police handle it. Come away!
Robber #1: Do what she says, old man.
Myron: I'm not afraid of you.
"I fought against the Nazis in World War II. I'm not afraid to fuck you up, you little punk." Sean said, imitating Myron.
Sean: (Narrating) But the old geezer gets smacked in the face by the robber and he makes his escape with his buddy with the loot. Is there anyone out there who can stop these lowlifes? Who? Is there as savior who can protect this city? A savior with cape.
(Batman lands on top of the crooks' car)
Robber #1: What was that?
"Your worst nightmare." Sean said, with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. Batman is here to stop those punks…
"And for some reason, he's fighting crime in the middle of the day." Sean said.
Robber #1: What happened?
Robber #2: I don't know.
(The second robber rolls down the window and tugs at the cape, in which Batman reveals himself, with a menacing scowl, which scares the robber)
Sean chuckles a bit from seeing the look on Batman's face. "Okay, let's forget about the Baby Yoda memes for a bit. That image right there is meme-worthy. I can come up with one. Like…"
(The image of Batman and the robber is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) When someone drinks the last can of Diet Coke.
"Or…" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) When someone says that Batman & Robin on the PS1 is a good game.
"See if you can come up with a few memes of your own. I would love to see what you guys can come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Batman and his sidekick Robin, voiced by Kevin Conroy and Loren Lester, busts the crooks so the cops can arrest them before they head to a fancy party. They are greeted by Commissioner Gordon, voiced by the late Bob Hastings, and they wonder where Barbara is at as we cut to Batgirl, who's voiced by the late Mary Kay Bergman respectively, fighting muggers. This is literally the only scene in which Barbara is Batgirl in the whole movie.
"So, why is it in the movie?" Sean asked. "Her being Batgirl doesn't play into the story at all, so why put it in? Do you want newcomers to know that she's Batgirl? It has no impact on the plot. So technically, this is just pointless filler."
Sean: (Narrating) After Batgirl beats up on the muggers, we learn that Dick is dating Barbara and while him and Bruce are talking, we see that Veronica Vreeland, voiced by Marilu Henner, is back and somehow she's got blonde hair now. Don't worry, she dyes her hair back to red in The New Batman Adventures. Anyway, she tries to introduce her friends to Bruce.
Veronica Vreeland (Voiced by Marilu Henner): Here he is, ladies. Gotham's most elusive bachelor.
Woman: Isn't he handsome?
Veronica Vreeland: Bruce, this is Buffy and Debra and Caitlin.
Caitlin: Hello, Bruce. So nice to meet you.
(Bruce smiles at the three women)
"Bruce Wayne, the most interesting man in the world. And he's also a pimp with the ladies. Let's not mention the one that got away from him." Sean said, mentioning Andrea Beaumont.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to another character who will play an important part in the story, Dr. Gregory Belson voiced by George Dzundza. He talks to his stockbroker Dean Arbagast voiced by the late Dean Jones because of a bad product he placed his money on. Long story short: Belson went bankrupt.
Dr. Gregory Belson (Voiced by George Dzundza): Everything I own is on the line here. This will ruin me.
Dean Arbagast (Voiced by the late Dean Jones): Hey. You roll the dice, you'd better be able to cover the bet. If those calls come due in a few days, and you're legally required to make good on them.
Dr. Gregory Belson: But I don't have the cash. Can't you stall? Buy me some time?
"What kind of investment did he put his money on anyway? Did he put his investment on the Fuxedo? How much money did he invest?" Sean asked.
(We see the green text on the screen below Sean saying "$900")
"$900 for the Fuxedo?! Fuck the Fuxedo." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Barbara arrives at the party just as Dr. Belson storms out. She greets her father and she goes to see Dick for a dance. Did I mention that the two of them are dating? Okay, good. Back with Dr. Belson, he's having a nice leisurely drive as the forecast for today calls for snow.
Dr. Gregory Belson: (Sees that it's snowing) Jeez!
(Another clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Lady Olenna Tyrell (Played by Diana Rigg): Winter is coming. Now that's memorable.
Sean: (Narrating) In fact, winter is definitely coming and it is coming for Dr. Belson as he gets approached by Mr. Freeze. Turns out that him and Mr. Freeze were old colleagues.
Mr. Freeze: Hello, Gregory.
Dr. Gregory Belson: Victor? My God, is that you?
Mr. Freeze: You're a hard man to get a hold of, Doctor. (Grabs Belson) Your secretary wouldn't give me an appointment until next September.
Dr. Gregory Belson: What do you want?
Mr. Freeze: I've got a patient who needs you.
Sean: (Narrating) He takes Dr. Belson to his hideout so that he can save his wife from certain death, but there's one problem. When her containment vessel was destroyed, her disease relapsed and she's got a couple of weeks to live. But in order to save her is an organ transplant.
Dr. Gregory Belson: Impossible. You need a compatible donor, and there's a patient waiting list a mile long. We'd never get the organ in time.
Mr. Freeze: (Points his freeze gun at Dr. Belson) I have confidence you'll find a way, Gregory.
Dr. Gregory Belson: Don't threaten me, Victor. I'm the only hope she's got.
"Besides, I played like three character in the show and I'm playing Perry White in Superman: The Animated Series. Bruce Timm and his team really needs me." Sean said, imitating Dr. Gregory Belson and referencing his portrayer.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Mr. Freeze has something that would change the good doctor's mind.
(Mr. Freeze holds out a hunk of gold in his hand)
Dr. Gregory Belson: Gold?
(We see dollar signs appear on Dr. Belson's eyes)
(A sound clip from Chappelle's Show plays)
Dave Chappelle: I'm rich, bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the party, Bruce leaves the party which ticks of Veronica, while Dick and Barbara spend some time together.
Dick Grayson (Voiced by Loren Lester): Well, I-I was wondering-
Barbara Gordon (Voiced by the late Mary Kay Bergman): What?
Dick Grayson: You want to go up the coast for the weekend?
Barbara Gordon: Sure. With who?
Dick Grayson: (Chuckles) With me.
Barbara Gordon: Oh.
Dick Grayson: There's a jazz festival up in Rockport, and there's all kinds of stuff going on at the beach.
Barbara Gordon: Sounds fun. I'd love to.
Dick Grayson: Really? Hey, that's great!
(The song "I Only Have Eyes for You" by The Flamingos plays as Dick and Barbara get cozy with each other)
"Get used to seeing Dick and Barbara together for those of you who ship Dick and Barbara, because later Bruce and Barbara end up dating and…" Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: The Killing Joke is shown as we see Batman and Batgirl having sex)
Sean then shudders from seeing the clip. "Oh, man! That is so wrong on so many levels."
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Bruce…
Bruce Wayne (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Alfred, would you mind turning up the air-conditioning?
(A splashing sound is heard as the car stops)
Alfred (Voiced by the late Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): Good heavens!
(Bruce steps out of the car and sees that the car is in a giant pool of water)
Alfred: (Gets out of the car) Strange. There's not a cloud in the sky.
"Goddamn it, Alfred! What did I tell you about driving into pools? This is gonna cost you." Sean said, imitating Bruce Wayne.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce then comes across Dr. Belson's car and sees that it belongs to him. Back with Mr. Freeze and Dr. Belson head down to the Gotham General Hospital to find any donors available but none are available that match. But Mr. Freeze suggest that they'll have to use a live donor for the organ transplant.
Dr. Gregory Belson: What? Are you crazy? They'd die.
Mr. Freeze: I know.
Dr. Gregory Belson: Man, you're a piece of work. I said I'd help, but this- - this is gonna cost you more than a little gold nugget. I mean, the risks involved- -
Mr. Freeze: This is just a small sample from a large vein I discovered in the Artic. You do this, and it's yours all of it.
"Money… the root of all evil. And this dude is going to risk a living being's life to save the life of a criminal's dying wife. You know, there's a place in Hell for scumbags like you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Dr. Belson begins his search for people that are registered in the hospital's database. Someone who's female and has the same weight and height and blood type of Nora. And they find the "perfect" candidate.
Dr. Gregory Belson: Perfect.
(We cut to Barbara's profile on the hospital database)
Dr. Gregory Belson: Her name is Barbara Gordon.
"Looks like they found their perfect candidate for their operation. Also, I would just like to point out that Gotham City is in New York." Sean said as we see the initials for New York on Barbara's profile.
Sean: (Narrating) So after finding that Barbara is the perfect match for Nora, they call her college number in which her roommate answers and they ask where she's at. We then cut to the Shaugnessys Club where Dick and Barbara are having their date.
"You know, I just love a Batman movie that has all of the sidekicks." Sean said.
(A poster for Batman & Robin is shown)
"Except for that one." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.
Dick Grayson: (Holding two wine glasses) Didn't spill a drop.
(One of the dancers bump into Dick as wine spills on his jacket as Barbara laugh)
Dick Grayson: Oh, man!
"Real smooth there, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when things get romantic between Dick and Barbara, Mr. Freeze interrupts their date night as he enters the restaurant with his polar bears… ((sees Mr. Freeze with his polar bears Hotchka and Shaka) oh, Jesus. Are you kidding me? He has polar bears as henchmen. Are polar bears that menacing? I can't take Mr. Freeze seriously with Hotchka and Shaka following him around.
"Since when does a bear look so menacing?" Sean asked as Brian enters the room eating some cheese.
"Hey Sean, want to try some Panda Cheese?" Brian asked.
"No, I don't want any Panda Cheese. I'm doing a review. Anyway..." Sean said.
Just as he was about to continue his review, he begins to notice a panda bear standing in his living room holding a crowbar in it's hand while the song "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly starts playing. The panda bear looks at Sean before turning it's attention to his Playstation 4 as he begins to start hitting it with the crowbar and destroying it, much to the horror of the young critic. The panda bear looks at Sean once more before leaving the house as Sean turns his attention to the camera.
"Note to self, never say no to Panda Cheese. Now, I'm gonna have to ask Santa for a new PS4 for Christmas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Freeze threatens the people in the restaurant looking for Barbara but when one of the polar bears attack an innocent civilian, Barbara gives herself up to Mr. Freeze. But Dick ends up fighting Mr. Freeze and his polar bear.
(Shaka hits Dick and attacks him while Dick tries to defend himself)
Barbara Gordon: Stop it! I'll come with you. Just don't hurt him.
Mr. Freeze: Shaka, come!
"Did he just say Chakha Khan?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Mr. Freeze: Shaka, come!
(A clip from the "I Feel For You" music video plays with the guy saying "Chakha Khan".)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, before Freeze leaves the restaurant, he tries to kill Dick by freezing the chandelier with his freeze gun and letting it drop on him. Dick moves out of the way and chases the truck on some guys motorcycle. And then we get a tense truck chase with some horrendous CGI. Look, once is enough, guys. You're not the Spider-Man cartoon. Hell, it's getting distracting with the 3D truck driver. The police crash their cars into each other, but Dick manages to pull off an Evel Kinevel stunt and goes after the cold-blooded criminal.
(Mr. Freeze freezes the road with his Ice Gun, causing Dick to drive uncontrollably)
(Another clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Alliser Thorne (Played by Owen Teale): You don't know cold.
Sean: (Narrating) Dick drives off road but catches the tree branch but what sucks for him is that Freeze got away. Later, we cut to Barbara waking up in a room in Mr. Freeze's hideout, where she sees Dr. Belson.
Barbara Gordon: Who are you?
Dr. Gregory Belson: I'm a doctor. Keep still.
"Who are you? Lady, you saw the guy back at the charity event right when he was leaving a few scenes ago. How can you not recognize him from before?" Sean asked.
(A clip from That 70's Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Ah, there's the dumbass!
"Thank you, Red Forman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Belson and Freeze tries to give Barbara some medication but she refuses, so they locked in a room. What? No television? How is she going to watch The Goldbergs and American Housewife? Back in Gotham, Commissioner Gordon organizes the entire police force to look for his daughter, even if it means for him to do a manhunt.
Commissioner Gordon (Voiced by the late Bob Hastings): Montoya, set up a command post in the operations room.
Lt. Renee Montoya (Voiced by Liane Schirmer): Right.
Commissioner Gordon: (To Bullock) Did you get a rundown on the license plate?
Detective Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): It's a stolen van. They found it ditched in Brisco Canyon about an hour ago.
Commissioner Gordon: All right, that's pretty rugged terrain. They can't have gotten too far if they're on foot. Set up checkpoints at a 20-mile radius and search every inch all the way down to the ocean. Come on, people! A guy in a weird suit with polar bears can't be hard to spot.
"Well, yeah. Unless he's a hulking Austrian guy in a suit that's powered by diamonds and he whips out bad puns." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman & Robin is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Ice Man cometh./Everything freezes./I'm afraid that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy./You are not sending me to the cooler./Stay cool, bird boy.
"Uh, forget about that guy. Let's focus on the one with the polar bears." Sean said.
Commissioner Gordon: I want my daughter found, and I want her found now!
Cop: Don't worry, sir. We're on it.
"Alright. McKenzie, Zaslove. Be on the lookout for a bald man in a weird suit with killer polar bears roaming the street. Also, put an APB out on a panda bear with a crowbar. He was last seen destroying my PS4." Sean said, imitating the cop.
Sean: (Narrating) Dick talks to Commissioner Gordon and gives him all the details on what went down tonight and why Freeze kidnapped her. Then, Detective Bullock tells them that Barbara's roommate told them that a mysterious caller from the hospital called, regarding her info as a blood donor. And because of that clue, Bruce investigates the database of the hospital's donors and makes a little discovery when he sees that Nora Fries blood is compatible with. Speaking of Barbara, she's trying to make her escape through the ventilation shaft of the building where's she's being held captive and…
(A metal, clanging sound is heard as Freeze and Belson open the door, only to see that Barbara escaped through the ventilation shaft. Freeze pulls out his Ice Gun and fires at the ventilation shaft)
"Great job, Barbara. Now you got a maniac in a freeze suit trying to kill you. You should've been more quieter." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I am soooooo tempted of dropping a Die Hard reference for this chases scene. But it's a tense chase scene.
"Oh, screw it. This is the only time that I'm going to reference Die Hard." Sean said.
(We see Dr. Belson chasing Barbara through the ventilation shaft)
Sean: (Narrating) Now they'll know what a TV dinner feels like.
"There. Happy? I had to make that little Die Hard reference for you." Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara then comes across a room that's cool as ice…
(The poster for the Vanilla Ice movie Cool as Ice is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No! She enters the room where she finds Nora Fries, who's barely alive thanks to some special machines that's keeping her alive as Freeze and Belson enter the room and explain the situation to Barbara in a calm fashion.
Dr. Gregory Belson: She needs an operation that requires a transfusion. You're one of the few people with her rare blood type.
Barbara Gordon: Uh-huh. So why here? She should be in a hospital.
Mr. Freeze: No hospitals and no more questions. (Points his Ice Gun at Barbara)
Dr. Gregory Belson: Victor, you wouldn't let her die, would you?
Barbara Gordon: Listen, you kidnap me, then expect me to cooperate? I'll help her but not here. Not this way.
Mr. Freeze: Enough talk!
"Look, I get that he wants his wife back but he's going about it all wrong." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara continues her attempt to escape right when Mr. Freeze tries to freeze her. And on top of that, she's got two killer polar bears…
We cut back to Sean, who's now laughing at the thought of Mr. Freeze having polar bears as henchmen. "I'm sorry. This is getting too ridiculous. I still can't take Mr. Freeze seriously in this movie. Couldn't you get better henchmen, dude? If I want to take you seriously, you better get something besides cuddly bears that aren't…"
Sean stops talking as soon as he hears the Buddy Holly song from the Panda Cheese commercials playing, realizing that the panda bear who destroyed his PS4 a la Angry Grandpa came back to deal with him. Sean turns to left and sees the panda bear again.
"Oh, hell no!" Sean exclaimed as he got up from off of his couch and walked over to the panda bear, who's now holding a baseball bat. "What? What do you want? I didn't say anything about your stupid Panda Cheese. What do you want? Do you want a sugar cookie? What?!"
The panda bear looks at Sean and points at his knees with the baseball bat.
"How do I like my knees?" Sean asked, making a face.
Then, the panda bear hits Sean in the knee with the baseball bat.
"AAAAAH! MOTHERFU…." Sean shouted right when the panda bear starts beating him with the baseball bat while screaming. "AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAH! WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?! AAAAAH!"
Narrator: A few moments later.
We see Sean, who's now bruised and bloody from his beatdown by the panda bear from the panda cheese commercial.
"I should keep my mouth shut about bears." Sean said. "I think I need to go see a doctor. And I think that panda bear knocked out my wisdom tooth."
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara steps out of the elevator, until she realizes that she should of made that left turn at Alberquerque.
(Barbara realizes that she's been taken to an oil rig out in the middle of the ocean)
(A sound clip of Army of Darkness is heard)
Ash: Oh, god… no… NO! I slept too long!
(Barbara tries to make a run for it but Mr. Freeze fires his Ice Gun on the ground, causing Barbara to slip on the ice and ends up getting captured)
"Boy, they made Barbara into a dumbass in distress in this movie. Hell, Robin's also a dumbass in distress in the comic and in the animated series as well. These two are meant for each other. And do I even have to mention that movie?" Sean asked.
(Clips from Batman & Robin are shown)
Robin (Played by Chris O'Donnell): It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it!/I want a Robin signal in the sky. I'm sick of being your shadow./You have some real issues with women, you know that?
Sean: (V/O as Robin whining) Nyeh eh nyeh whine whine nyeh!
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Bruce, him and Dick head down to Gothcorp where they meet their friend Mariko, voiced by Celia Mack herself Lauren Tom, and they ask her about cryogenics.
Bruce Wayne: Under what conditions would a person who's been cryogenically frozen need a blood transfusion.
Mariko (Voiced by Lauren Tom): As far as I know, never. That's the point of the procedure.
"In other words: you don't know jack shit about this stuff." Sean said.
Bruce Wayne: Who's the foremost authority on the subject around here?
Mariko: Oh, that's easy. Dr. Gregory Belson. He did a lot of the original research on the subject with Victor Fries.
(The scene then flashes to Dr. Belson's car and license, then it flashes to the Panda Cheese panda bear followed by another flash to George Clooney as Batman which is followed by another flash to Joel Schumacher before flashing back to Dr. Belson's license)
Bruce Wayne: I'd like to talk to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Barbara, Mr. Freeze has her chained up to the bed in her room and we get some pretty good lines from him.
Barbara Gordon: How can you treat people this way?
Mr. Freeze: It's the way they've always treated me. Nora was the only good thing in my life. Then they took her from me. I don't care what I have to do to get her back.
(Mr. Freeze leaves the room and closes the door)
"Okay, Michael Ansara is awesome as Mr. Freeze. They give his character such memorable and awesome lines." Sean said.
(Clips from the BTAS episodes Heart of Ice and Deep Freeze are shown)
Mr. Freeze: Rest well, my love. The monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish… best served COLD./Sooner or later all who stand in my way must feel the icy touch of death!/It would move me to tears… if I still had tears to shed./ That's Mr. Freeze to you./Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell. What a miserable joke./You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see, but never touch? Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.
"His lines are much better than…" Sean said.
(Another clip from Batman & Robin is shown)
Mr. Freeze: Tonight's forecast… a freeze is coming!
"...than that guy." Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Batman and Robin investigate Dr. Belson's house and checks his answering machine to learn that his broker called him for the third time, and they get a location where his broker lives.
(They get Arbagasts's location)
Batman: (Smiles) Bingo.
"Okay. First, we have the Batman thumbs-up gif. You know what this one is going to be? The Batman bingo smile gif. This is better than Keaton's Batman smiling after he killed that big bald guy in Batman Returns and Kilmer's Batman smiling in Batman Forever. And then there's his thug life smile in Justice League: War." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut back to Barbara as we see her making friends with Koonak after he gives her some food. She begs him to help her out of here and she promises to do everything she can to help Freeze's wife. But Koonak couldn't because you know, he's raised by that cold-blooded madman.
Koonak: You won't hurt her, will you?
Mr. Freeze: (Puts his hand on Koonak's shoulder and smiles at him) No, of course not.
"Kid, run for your life. That dude is like Bartok from The Fly II. Who knows what kind of crazy shit he's capable of. Hell, those dead parents you mentioned. Freeze might've killed them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Dr. Belson gives Freeze some news about his wife that her vitals have been stabilized and it's time to start the operation. But before Repo: The Genetic Opera starts, Batman and Robin head down to Dean Arbagast's place and gives him an early wake-up call. And in typical Batman fashion, they interrogate him.
Batman: Where's Belson?
Dean Arbagast: Belson? I wish I knew.
(Batman grabs Arbagast and pulls him closer towards him)
Dean Arbagast: I'm telling you the truth.
Robin: What's your interest in him?
Dean Arbagast: I'm his stockbroker. He owes $2 ½ million, and if he doesn't pay by Friday,...
"They're gonna break his legs, right?" Sean asked.
Dean Arbagast: ...they're going to foreclose on him.
"Damn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Arbagast tells them that Belson had inside information on a new drug and he put a lot of money on it, but when Batman requests more information about Belson, the good doctor calls up Arbagast, in which Batman and Robin record their conversation and get Belson's location. And Belson being a dumb criminal, he's on the phone outside where loud noises can be heard.
(A ship's horn blows)
Dean Arbagast: Where are you?
Dr. Gregory Belson: Never mind.
"I'm watching television. Sorry, I had the TV up too loud. Let me turn it down a bit so no one can learn where I'm at." Sean said, imitating Dr. Belson.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Batman and Robin manage to get a location of Belson's whereabouts after hearing the sound of a ship's foghorn blowing on the recording along with the sound of shipping lanes and they learn that he's on the abandoned oil derrick in the middle of the ocean. And now, it's a race against as Batman and Robin fly out in the Batwing after learning from Alfred that the supplies on the list are used in an allograft procedure.
Batman: Oh, no.
Robin: What is it?
Batman: It's the medical term for an organ transplant.
Robin: What?
Alfred: I think you'd better hurry.
Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say that this is one of the best sequences ever. Even though I harp on the CGI in the movie, this looks well done. And watching this movie on Blu-Ray and looking past the CGI Batman, Robin and Alfred, I can watch this scene without any complaints. The CGI and the animation look great on this scene. Meanwhile, Freeze and Belson prepare to perform the operation on Barbara.
Barbara Gordon: You don't need to put me under for a blood transfusion.
(Freeze looks at Belson as Barbara makes a realization)
Barbara Gordon: It's more than that, isn't it?
"Well, yeah. You should know that they're trying to fucking kill you!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they could perform Repo: The Genetic Opera on Barbara, Koonak comes in to save the day, which gives Barbara a chance to attack and escape this place, which leads to the machine that's keeping Nora alive damaged and a tense chase with Dr. Belson shooting at her.
(Dr. Belson shoots at Barbara and missing as one of the bullets hit the oil tanks, causing oil to spill out)
Barbara Gordon: Stop shooting, you idiot. These are fuel tanks.
Dr. Gregory Belson: (Points his gun at Barbara) Come down now!
"You know for a doctor that's trying to keep someone alive, you sure are trying to kill her. And in typical BTAS fashion, he has the terrible marksmanship of every Batman villain ever. What, have they been taking targeting lessons from Stormtroopers? By the way, I'm hyped for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Belson is getting ready to kill Barbara, Batman and Robin arrive in the nick of time as Robin knocks out Belson, which he ends up shooting at the oil tank and causing the oil to get caught on fire. After they arrive, Batman and Robin manage to deal with Freeze's polar bears.
(Hotchka and Shaka run towards Batman and Robin)
Batman: Wait. Wait. Now!
(Batman and Robin jump off and grab the ledge just in time as the polar bears run off of the oil rig and land in the water)
"Ha! So much for having sucky polar bears and henchmen, Freeze. They're idiots." Sean laughs.
True Love Ways by Buddy Holly starts playing again as the panda bear from the Panda Cheese commercial comes out from behind the couch wielding a kitchen knife and prepares to kill Sean.
(We cut to Viewer Mail Time from the Nickelodeon show Back at the Barnyard)
Pig (Voiced by the late Tino Insana): Hey folks! Viewer Mail Time again! Oh, here's one from Sally, age 14. 'Dear Pig, aren't you interrupting the story at the most suspenseful part?'. Well, the answer is 'Yes, Sally. Yes I am.'. Keep those cards and letters coming!
We cut back to Sean, who sees a knife stuck on the arm of the couch.
"That fucking panda bear is trying to kill me!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, though. The panda bears aren't dead. But Barbara's gonna be dead soon from the oil rig turning into a Michael Bay movie if Batman and Robin don't do something quick.
Barbara Gordon: Shoot me a line!
"Alright. What's a girl like you doing at a place like this?" Sean asked, imitating Batman.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin help Barbara down to them but Mr. Freeze arrives and he's not happy to see the Dynamic Duo here. So, he attempts to freeze them and ends up freezing the crane to trap them inside. Dr. Belson wakes up and sees that the oil rig is on fire and Freeze wants to continue on with the operation but Dr. Belson wants to back out.
Mr. Freeze: We're going to finish this.
Dr. Gregory Belson: You're insane. The whole place is going to blow any minute. We got to get out!
(Dr. Belson tries to make a run for it, but Mr. Freeze grabs him by his wrist and stops him)
Mr. Freeze: We're not leaving until you perform that operation.
(A clip from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is shown)
Admiral James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): You fool, look around you! The planet's destroying itself!
Sean: (Narrating) As stuff starts exploding, part of the structure of the oil rig starts coming down as Dr. Belson pushes him and makes a run for it as the debris fall on top of him.
Mr. Freeze: Gregory… help me.
(Dr. Belson leaves Mr. Freeze to die)
"Jesus, what a dick!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) He's just going to leave his former colleague to die helplessly?
"You know, karma's gonna come and bite him on the ass. I want something bad to happen to him. Just wait." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin manage to get out of the crane and find Mr. Freeze, who's leg is broken after Dr. Belson tries to kill him, trapped in the debris, so the two of them and Barbara help him out. But before leaving, they have to get Nora and Koonak and with Freeze's assistance, he puts the fires out with his Ice Gun while Robin goes back to the Batwing. As for Dr. Belson…
(Robin gets the Batwing off of the helipad as it starts to come apart. Then, Dr. Belson looks up and sees the debris getting ready to come down on him)
Dr. Gregory Belson: (Screams) No!
(The screen turns black and white and freezes on Dr. Belson)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) It was at that very moment that Dr. Gregory Belson knew, he fucked up.
(The screen goes back to color and plays as big pieces of debris fall and kill Dr. Belson)
(A clip from Riverdale is shown)
Veronica Lodge (Played by Camila Mendes): Oh, well. Karma's a bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Barbara arrive at the lab to get Koonak and Barbara out of there while the fire starts spreading throughout the place. Then Mr. Freeze comes to the rescue and puts the fire out. Batman and Barbara get the two of them out safely as Batman and Barbara manage to get into the Batwing but Batman starts to go back for Freeze while the place explodes.
(Batman fires his grappling hook at the wall for Mr. Freeze to grab on. The wall comes apart as Freeze hits his helmet on the wall, causing it to break)
Batman: Hold on.
(Batman pulls Mr. Freeze up with his grappling hook, but debris starts coming down on him and hits him on his shoulder, causing him to drop Freeze)
Batman: Freeze!
(Mr. Freeze screams as he falls to the waters below the burning rig)
"Well, Freeze is dead. Looks like he won't be coming back anytime in the series…." Sean said.
(We see photos of Mr. Freeze in The New Batman Adventures and Batman Beyond being shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Goddamn it!
"Who am I kidding? He does come back in the episode Cold Comfort and that episode spoiled the ending for this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The place starts exploding as Batman races to get out of there and grapples onto the Batwing while we get a big bang. Oh, yeah and Freeze is alive. Anyway, we get a semi-sweet happy ending for Freeze as he goes to a weather station in the North Pole and learns that his wife has been cured, thanks to Bruce Wayne, who funded the research with some of Freeze's technology. He then sheds a tear for the first time as he's overwhelmed with joy knowing that his wife will be alright.
"And that was Batman and Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero. And I have to say, this movie is much better than Batman & Robin." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) What makes this so ironic is because the movie was released nine months after the cinematic disaster Batman & Robin. Hell, people prefer this movie better than Batman & Robin. This is the best Batman & Robin movie ever. Good points, it has some great animation, the voice cast is amazing as always and the music by Michael McCuistion is beautiful. Bad points: you have some CGI in a couple of scenes but with the exception of the Batwing sequence, which is pretty awesome, I'll just say the CGI on the movie is decent. But hey, at least it doesn't have….
(Another clip from Batman & Robin is shown)
Batman (Played by George Clooney): Bat credit card.
(Batman holds out the Bat credit card)
Sean: (Narrating) Ugh, that. Anyway, this is the perfect Batman movie in the DC Animated Universe, even though Mask of the Phantasm will always be number one in my book. This is a good movie for both kids and adults. Coming in at 4 frozen explorers out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and…" Sean said as the Buddy Holly song starts playing again as the Panda Cheese panda appears right when Sean pulls out a Franchi SPAS-12 combat shotgun and points it at the panda bear. "Don't even try it, bitch!"
"Whoa, wait! I'm just a guy in a panda suit. All I wanted to do was to persuade you to eat Panda Cheese." The guy in the panda bear suit said.
"I know. You destroyed my PS4, which has my games downloaded on there and you beat me down with a baseball bat and stuck a knife on my couch. So, I have no choice but to kill you. Say goodnight, Gracie!" Sean exclaimed.
We cut to black as we hear a gunshot and the sound of a body falling to the floor.
"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal." Sean said as he fires a few more shots. "And a happy new year."
Sean fires the last shot before leaving.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Bingo.
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of Sub-Zero, a film that's better than Batman & Robin. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean gets ready to spread some more Christmas cheer when he reviews the 1980s classic from the father/son team who brought us Superman: The Movie, Superman II, Superman III and Supergirl, Santa Claus: The Movie. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.