The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean continues Stallone Month when he takes a look at what could be the best action movie of the 80s. And that movie is the buddy cop movie Tango & Cash. And he's not doing it alone. He is doing the review with another fellow critic, who's going to be introduced in the new chapter. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Chad Knight. Will Sean get through this review with Chad? Well, sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Tango & Cash is owned by Warner Bros. Entertainment.
Stallone Month Part III: Tango & Cash
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. Before he starts today's review, he is seen looking extremely happy.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to Stallone Month." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The opening of "Stallone Month" while the song "Stallone" plays in the background briefly)
"And of course you're wondering why I'm filled with giddiness. Um, I want to talk about Tango & Cash." Sean said as he holds up the Tango & Cash DVD case.
(The title screen for "Tango & Cash" is shown while the song "Best of What I Got" by Bad English plays in the background while clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I've been getting a lot of requests to review this movie for Stallone Month and heck if I can't do Cliffhanger or Assassins or Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, I might as well review this one. Tango & Cash is a buddy-cop action comedy released in theaters on December 22, 1989. It's one of the last films released in 1989. The other movie that was released on the same day as Tango & Cash was the Steven Spielberg romantic drama Always. The film stars Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell as two rival LA cops who must work together to stop an evil drug lord who frames them for murder.
"Which is pretty friggin' awesome. And so was Hobbs and Shaw and this movie was released thirty years ago way before Hobbs and Shaw came to existence." Sean said. "And I can see why that this movie was so highly requested. Now without any interruptions, let's take a look at…"
"You son of a bitch." A voice said off-screen.
"Who said that? Lucas, is that you?" Sean asked as he looked around the room.
We then cut to another reviewer,a young, handsome man at the age of 26. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and he is seen sitting in his entertainment room on a chair and he was wearing a black blazer, a blue button-down shirt, blue denim jeans and a pair of white Nike sneakers.
"Think again, hotshot." The rival critic said.
"Oh, that's just great. Another critic who's trying to interrupt my review. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chad Knight. He's the host of his review show Up All Knight." Sean said.
"Thank you for the introductions, Sean. But who gives you the right to review Tango & Cash?" Chad asked.
"Uh, because the fans requested that I review Tango & Cash for Stallone Month. I've been getting a lot of emails about it." Sean said.
"But I was supposed to review that for my show, not you." Chad said.
"And?" Sean asked, raising his arms up.
"And you're reviewing that movie." Chad pointed at Sean.
"So? I happen to enjoy that movie. And frankly, I don't appreciate you hijacking my review. Did I say that right? Yep, definitely don't appreciate it." Sean said.
"Hey, you're the one who's reviewing that movie that is my favorite." Chad said.
"Show me the clause in the Reviewer's Handbook that says only you can review your favorite movies." Sean said, crossing his arms at Chad.
Chad gets ready to say something, but stays silent while Sean raises an eyebrow at the critic while waiting for him to say something.
"You know what, we can do this the old fashioned way. Fight you in hand-to-hand combat!" Chad exclaimed.
"Oh, great! You want to fight me don't you?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, that's right. Let's go, tough guy." Chad said.
"Alright, Knight. I have no choice but to do this…. TAYLOR!" Sean shouted.
"HANNAH!" Chad yelled out.
"What?" Taylor asked as she enters the living room and walked over to Sean.
"What is going on here?" Hannah, Chad's girlfriend, asked as she enters his entertainment room and walked over to him.
"This clown right there is hijacking my review!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at Chad.
"This asshat right there is stealing my review! I've planned to review Tango & Cash before him." Chad said, pointing at Sean.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING ASSHAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! IT'S ALL BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! THE PEOPLE REQUESTED THAT I REVIEW TANGO & CASH, NOT YOU!" Sean yelled out in rage as Taylor tries to calm him down.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Taylor yelled out.
"Alright, stop arguing. You two are like boys with toys. Now, I'm sure that as your loving and supportive girlfriends who would like to keep you two from killing each other, there must be a best way for you two to work something out. Maybe you two can work on some sort of compromise." Hannah said.
"Maybe you two stop acting like bickering children and act like grown men. Maybe you two can review the movie together. How does that sound? Does that sound like a great compromise?" Taylor asked.
"Yeah. I guess." Sean said.
"Yeah, that's fine. Sean, is it okay that I co-review the movie with you?" Chad asked.
"Sure, that's fine with me, Chad. You can review the movie with me." Sean said as Taylor smiles at him.
"There. Didn't that work out fine without any violence?" Taylor asked.
"Now, you two have fun with your review and get along." Hannah said as she kissed Chad on his cheek before leaving the room.
"Thanks, Tay." Sean said as Taylor kisses him before leaving the room. "Well, looks like you and I are reviewing the movie together."
"Looks like we are. Aren't we lucky to have women that can work things out for us guys?" Chad asked.
"Yeah. And also, they're great in bed too." Sean said with a smirk on his face.
"Agreed." Chad winked naughtily.
"Anyway, onto Tango & Cash." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) The film had a troubled production history. Originally, Cash was supposed to be played by Patrick Swayze and yeah, I can see that. Swayze dropped out and went on to star in the movie Road House and he was replaced by Kurt Russell.
Chad: (Narrating) The film was directed by the movie's original director, Andrei Konchalovsky, who was known for directing the films Runaway Train, Homer & Eddie, The Inner Circle and The Nutcracker in 3D, feuded with producer Jon Peters all throughout the film over the tone of the movie, resulting in Konchalovsky getting the boot and the film was directed by Purple Rain director Albert Magnoli and the movie's executive producer Peter MacDonald, who was known for directing Rambo III.
Sean: (Narrating) The film's original cinematographer Barry Sonnenfeld was also fired during production and he was replaced by Donald E. Thorin, who was the cinematographer for another Stallone movie called Lock-Up, which was released the same year as this movie. Due to a lawsuit with producers Peter Guber and Jon Peters against Warner Bros. over the producers' replacements, the film's release date had to be sped up by many months for a Christmas '89 despite the movie being filmed a few months prior to the summer of '89.
"On the downside, the film's shoot was nightmare." Chad said.
"But on the plus side, we have Tango & Cash, baby!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
"So, shall we begin this review?" Chad asked.
"Fine, let's begin this review. Let's see if this movie is deep, emotional and life changing or if the movie is popcorn entertainment at it's finest. This is Tango & Cash." Sean said.
"Awesomesauce… wait. Will it involve you trying to kill me?" Chad asked.
"What? No." Sean said.
"Are you sure?" Chad asked.
"Yes, I'm sure." Sean said as he attaches the silencer to his pistol.
"Then how come your putting a silencer on your gun?" Chad asked.
"What, this? It's for protection." Sean said.
"Sean, put the gun away." Taylor said in the other room.
"Ugh, fine." Sean said as he puts his gun away. "Dammit."
(The movie begins with the Warner Bros. Pictures logo. The logo has the byline "A Warner Communications Company" underneath the WB shield)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts with….
Lieutenant Raymond Tango (Played by Sylvester Stallone): Ok, let's do it.
(The movie opens with a "title-only" billing while funky music plays in the background)
"Oookay, all of a sudden I put in a musical." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a police helicopter going after a tanker truck and Lt. Ray Tango is on the scene)
Chad: (Narrating) We open with a chase scene as we see two thugs who are on the run from the cops driving in a tanker truck and we see Lieutenant Raymond Tango, played by Sylvester Stallone, going after the criminals and him arguing with the other police officers to see who gets the bad guys first.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a taste of the movie's soundtrack, brilliantly done by Beverly Hills Cop composer Harold Faltermeyer.
(The theme music plays during the scene while Tango goes after the tanker truck)
"Okay, have you ever watched a movie and then when you hear the movie's soundtrack for the first time you instantly fall in love with it? Okay, there was V: The Final Battle. But still, this move's soundtrack kicks fucking ass." Chad said.
Pilot Over Radio: We're out of our jurisdiction, Tango, County Sheriff and CHP are on the way.
"Eh, jurisdiction schmurisdiction. It's an 80's action movie. He knows what he's doing." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Tango drives ahead with a plan to arrest the perps. And how does he do it? He does it by shooting at them.
(Tango gets out of his late model Cadillac and pulls out his Smith and Wesson Model 38 and sees the criminals driving ahead. The takes the cylinder out and dumps the bullets out. The bullets look like they were perfectly fine. He then loads some new rounds into the cylinder)
"Uh, Tango, buddy. Those bullets were perfectly fine and the gun was already loaded. There was no need for you to reload it." Chad said.
(Tango then spins the cylinder before shutting it)
"Okay, spinning the cylinder can damage your frame and mess up your revolver. Don't you even know that? Eh, he doesn't care. He can afford to buy new guns." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tango shoots at the truck from a long distance, missing the driver and passenger, even though they can easily run him over with that truck.
(Tango fires one last shot as the driver hits the breaks, causing him and the passenger to fly out the windshield of the truck)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Glad you could drop in.
"Okay, that was pretty badass. And yet, it strangely works. Guess those two guys were the world's dumbest criminals of the world for not putting on their seatbelts." Sean said.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (Pulls out the handcuffs) You like jewelry?
Face (Played by the late Robert Z'Dar): Fuck you!
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: I prefer blondes.
"You don't understand… I am blonde." Chad said, imitating the character Face off-screen.
"Then come here." Sean said, imitating Tango.
Chad: (Narrating) But there's one little problem, Tango insists that they're shipping drugs, but all that the cops found was gasoline and the local police are not to happy about that.
State Trooper: I want your badge, I want your weapon, I want your ass. Who the fuck do you think you are?
State Trooper #2: He thinks he's Rambo.
"Well, he is. For good reason." Chad said.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Rambo is a pussy.
"Wow. Way to talk crap about the character you played in a movie. I mean, that's like Harrison Ford talking bad about his character Han Solo in Patriot Games." Sean said.
(A clip from Patriot Games is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Jack Ryan) Let me tell you something about Han Solo, Paddy O'Neil. I will fucking destroy that smuggling clown.
"It's like watching Marriage Story and during the scene where Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver arguing and all of a sudden Adam Driver says this about his character Kylo Ren." Sean said.
(A clip from Marriage Story is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Charlie) Do not compare me to Kylo Ren! I am nothing like that emo freak!
"Can you imagine Michael Keaton talking crap about Batman in Spider-Man: Homecoming." Sean said.
(A clip from Spider-Man: Homecoming is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Adrian Toomes) I know you know what I'm talking about. So don't mess with me. Remember Batman, where's what I think about that stupid c…
"Get on with it!" Chad yelled out.
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)
Bridgekeeper (Played by Terry Gilliam): Get on with it.
Tim (Played by John Cleese): Yes! Get on with it!
Army: Yeah! Get on with it!
God (Voiced by the late Graham Chapman): GET ON WITH IT!
"Sorry." Sean apologized as he looked down in sadness.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Tango solves his problem with gunfire as he shoots at the tanker, revealing the truth that was underneath their noses as cocaine pours out of the bullet hole.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Anybody want to get high?
"Well, I know one person who loves to get high. Harry Ellis." Chad said as a picture of Harry Ellis from Die Hard is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we're introduced to Raymond Tango and his bad-assery. He wears 3-piece Armani suits, makes a lot of money trading stocks and looking good in glasses.
"What is it with people wearing glasses?" Chad asked.
"Because chicks love a guy that wears glasses." Sean said as he points at his glasses and makes a naughty smirk. "Oh, yeah."
Chad: (Narrating) We then see the main villain of the movie driving past, crime lord Yves Perret, wonderfully played by Jack Palance.
Yves Perret (Played by Jack Palance): Ray Tango. He's done it to us again. If it isn't Tango, it's Cash. Tango and Cash, Cash and Tango. These two cops are driving me crazy. We have to do something about this.
"Okay, I have to say this. Jack Palance is the best part of this movie. He plays this over-the-top Saturday morning cartoon villain and I just love this character." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) His associates Lopez and Quan, played by Marc Alaimo and James Hong, want to take out the two hero cops who are messing up their drug business.
Lopez (Played by Marc Alaimo): I would like to handle this myself, Mr. Perret.
Quan (Played by James Hong): No. We will handle it.
Yves Perret: No. Not that way.
"Oh, come on. One of your associates was Gul Dukat, one of the best villains in Star Trek." Sean said.
"I disagree. Khan is the best Star Trek villain ever." Chad said.
"You're both wrong! Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation is hands-down the best villain ever." Caleb said, cutting in.
"Hey, who invited you into this review? Get the hell out of here!" Sean yelled out.
"Yeah, get out!" Chad exclaimed.
"Fine." Caleb said as he leaves his room, pouting.
Chad: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the other character of the movie, Gabriel Cash played by Kurt Russell. Cash is a cop with a rougher demeanor and he drives a classic Corvette. He wears tattered clothing and cowboy boots and he has the best hair ever. He enters his apartment and looks in the mirror to check out how awesome he looks on this glorious…
(An assassin on the other end of the door breaks the mirror with his Colt Python revolver and shoots at Cash twice)
"Well… shit. That role was short-lived." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Cash is all right. He has a gun hidden inside his cowboy boot as he shoots at the Chinese Gunman, who ends up running away from him.
(The Chinese Gunman jumps out of the window)
We hear a loud thud and a crunching sound effect as Sean reacts to this.
Brian: (V/O as the Chinese Gunman) My leg! My leg!
"Ooh. Yeah, he should've escaped out of a window on the first floor instead of the second floor because he just broke both of his legs." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, we get the power of the movie's soundtrack as Cash chases his assailant through a parking garage. He then takes the time to save a homeless lady from getting run over by the guy, only for her to have her worldly possessions destroyed. And then he ends up taking a Russian man's car to go after the guy.
(Cash takes the Russian car owner's car to go after the gunman. He takes the car door off by driving past another car and backing into another car)
Car Owner (Played by the late Saveliy Kramarov): What are you doing? This is my car! How should I get back?
"Holy cow. In the first five minutes of the movie we got drug stings, a shootout, a foot chase and a car chase." Chad said with a smile on his face after being amazed from what he saw.
"Yeah. You add in some gratuitous nudity and you have yourself the perfect movie. Come on, movie. Give us some tits in this scene and I'm ending this review right there." Sean said.
(As the car chase continues, the Chinese Gunman in a pickup truck hits another car. We then cut to a couple who's having sex in a car stopping for a minute to see what's going on. The woman is naked and her bare breasts are shown but are covered by Stallone's face)
"Okay, review's over! We have found the perfect movie! I'm giving this one a five out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time!" Sean exclaimed as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the living room.
(The "Stallone" song plays as the review fades to black. Then the words "The End" are shown)
"Oh, come on! You can't end the review there." Chad said.
"I know. I can't stop watching this. The movie is getting pretty good." Sean said as he sat back down on the couch.
Sean: (Narrating) The car chase continues until Cash manages to hit another car to stop his assailant from getting away.
(Cash points his Ruger GP100 revolver with an experimental laser sight attached to it at the gunman)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash (Played by Kurt Russell): What's the matter, Ace? Got a little headache?
Car Owner: You crazy guy, what did you do with my car? (Opens his jacket to reveal his Glasnost shirt) I believe in Perestroika!
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: (Smiles) Welcome to America!
"Does he know that the Cold War was pretty much winding down by this point?" Sean asked.
Chad: (Narrating) After getting a taste of Cash's bad-assery, we cut to Tango at the police station and he gets a visit from his little sister Katherine, played by Teri Hatcher.
"Ah, Teri Hatcher." Sean said, smiling.
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking." Chad said.
"I sure am." Sean said.
"Desperate Housewives." Chad said.
"Wha.. wha… what?! No! I'm talking about Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman." Sean said.
"She wasn't even on that show. That was Dana Delany." Chad said.
"No, you idiot! Dana Delany played the voice of Lois Lane in Superman: The Animated Series. And yes, she was also on Desperate Housewives. So yeah, you have two actresses who played Lois Lane in the same show." Sean said.
"Yeah, for a woman who was in her fifties at the time, she was still smoking hot." Chad said.
"Agreed. Dana Delany is 63 and still smokin' hot. I'll totally do her." Sean said as Chad gives him a look.
"You MILF banger." Chad said.
"Says the one who bang Kim and Kyle Richards in a threesome!" Sean shouted.
"Hey, that was Brian who said that. He was drunk at the time. He said he wanted to bang Kim and Kyle Richards!" Chad exclaimed.
Katherine "Kiki" Tango (Played by Teri Hatcher): Ray, it's not that big of a deal. I'm only gonna be gone for a month or two.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: A month or two is how long to build a house, not take a vacation.
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: A dance tour is not a vacation!
"Great, all of a sudden the movie's turned into a remake of Flashdance, with Teri Hatcher in the lead role." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Tango and Katherine are just like every sibling ever and I just love their brother/sister relationship. It's nice to see that in the movie. We then cut to Cash as we see him at his precinct. Luckily, that bulletproof vest he was wearing saved him and he takes the time to show off his killer abs and change into a new shirt. And he has time to check his gun, which he has lying around in his desk. Boy, that sounds like a safe place to put your gun in.
(Cash retrieves his Walther PPK/S from his drawer and notices that the sights are off on his backup gun)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Hey, who's been fucking with my gun? The sight's shifted.
"Um, Cash. You think that's safe for you to be pointing your gun around like that with your finger still on the trigger?" Sean asked. "I mean, what if the gun goes off and you end up shooting somebody?"
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Hey, who's been fucking around with my gun? The sight's shifted.
(Cash's gun goes off)
Sean looks over to his left as he hears the sound of someone screaming out in pain.
(A sound clip from the movie 21 Jump Street is heard)
Mr. Walters (Played by Rob Riggle): (Screams) You shot me in the dick! AHHHH! OH, MY GOD!
"Nice work, dumbass! You just shot Mr. Walters in the dick." Sean said.
"This is why you should always have the safety on, to prevent accidental discharges like that." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Cash asks his Captain Holmes, played by Mr. Blue himself the late Eddie Bunker if he can question the guy who tried to blow him away, but Captain Blue here says forget it and to stay away from him. Cash is like, "You know what, this is an 80s action movie. I don't play by the rules.", so he goes to the bathroom/locker room to interrogate the Chinese shooter, played by Philip Tan. You know, the guy that played one of the Wheelers from Return to Oz.
(A photo of the Wheelers from Return to Oz is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Those things are creepy as fuck.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Cash interrogates him in his very own special way.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: So, you don't know any English, huh? Well, I don't know much Chinese, so we'll have to give you a crash course, buddy. So you wanna know something? I've got a feeling you'll be a real quick learner. Yeah, come here. Sit down.
(Cash pulls the chair away, causing the Chinese Gunman to fall to the floor, then sits the chair on top of his chest)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: (Sits on the chair) Alright, this is lesson number one. And believe me, the next lessons do get harder. Who hired you to kill me?
Chinese Gunman (Played by Philip Tan): I don't know!
"I don't know! I'm just a waiter working at a Chinese restaurant. You broke into my home and I was defending myself and you physically abuse me. I want my lawyer!" Sean said, imitating the gunman.
(A cop enters the locker room and sees Cash interrogating the assassin)
Cop: What is this?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: English 101.
"Next up, I'll be teaching Advanced English 101." Chad said, imitating Cash.
Sean: (Narrating) The shooter tells Cash that it was one of Quan's men but he doesn't know who. He then gives Cash some more information about a deal going down tonight. And it's around the same time that Tango gets a big break on the case when Captain Schroeder, played by the late Geoffrey Lewis, who's uncredited, gives him information about a deal going down at the same location that Cash is going to.
Captain Schroeder (Played by the late Geoffrey Lewis): I don't understand you. You make a shitload of money, you dress like a banker. What are you doing this for?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Action.
Captain Schroeder: Action?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Good old American action.
Captain Schroeder: If you want to stare death in the eye, you should've gotten married.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (Chuckles) Is that a proposal?
"Well, he did stare death in the eye. It was when he was married to Brigette Nielsen." Sean said as a wedding photo of Sylvester Stallone and Brigette Nielsen is shown.
Chad: (Narrating) We cut to the bad guys hideout, where we see a lot of shady stuff going down involving a weapons shipment.
(We see Requin enter the warehouse with Lopez and Quan)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, nothing bad is happening because (Imitates Jesse Ventura) I'm Jesse Ventura and this is not Conspiracy Theory. (Normal Voice) We see that Perret is watching Cash in action on his television and then he tells Quan and Lopez his dastardly plan to bring down Tango and Cash and keep them away from their guns and drugs operation, which doesn't involve killing them.
Yves Perret: Instead of death… We have a game. A game that only we can win. Within two weeks, I will be taking delivery of the largest shipment of munitions and weapons that we have ever handled. Within that time… (Opens the box and puts two rats in a little maze) Tango and Cash will be safely tucked away behind bars.
"Wait, will it involve you putting rats in their jail cells or do you just like playing around with your pet rats?" Chad asked.
Chad: (Narrating) So we see that Tango has arrived at the deal and follows this guy who strangely looks like Jesse Ventura to the meeting place and hey Cash is on his way to the deal as well and the two of them end up meeting face to face.
(Tango and Cash point their guns at each other)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: What the fuck are you doing here? You almost got yourself killed, pal.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Oh really? I'd say that's the only way around.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: I don't know what you're talking about. I pull this trigger, and your throat is hangin' off that wall behind you.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Really? You pull that trigger, I'm gonna blow you in half. You got the visual?
"Boy, those two sound like an old married couple. Hmm, I wonder who they remind me of." Sean said.
"Um..." Chad said.
(A photo of Sean in The Mayhem Critic and a photo of Chad in Up All Knight are shown back-to-back)
"Oh, yeah. We're like Tango and Cash." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tango and Cash enter the room where they find a dead, wire-tapped body in the middle of the room and it turns out to be a set-up to frame them for murder.
(The FBI agent named Wyler finds Cash's backup gun, which is fitted with a suppressor)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Christ, that's my gun.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: What's your gun doing here?
"Okay, so someone stole Cash's gun and used it for the set-up, so how are they going to pin this on both of them?" Sean asked.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: You're making a mistake.
FBI Agent Howard Wyler (Played by the late Lewis Arquette): You're going down for this. Get these bastards out of here.
"Because these guys arresting them are on Perret's payroll and they're corrupt as shit." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Tango and Cash are arrested for murder, which they didn't commit and it is taken to court for the trial of the century with some falsefied evidence which proves their guilt in the murder of the guy who happens to be a federal officer and a few witnesses testifying against them.
Prosecutor (Played by Susan Krebs): Mr. Skinner, you've listened to the tapes, and if you had to make a judgment regarding it's authenticity….
Floyd Skinner (Played by the late Michael Jeter): I'd say that this is no reason for me to believe that it isn't genuine.
"Uh, like Mr. Noodle should know. The tape is probably a fake." Chad said.
(The next witness, an FBI agent named Gerald Davis, takes the stand)
FBI Agent Gerald Davis (Played by the late Roy Brocksmith): When these two guys showed up, I figure the whole thing's gone sour. So I'm going to go in and clear everything up… when they kill him.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (To Cash) When this is over, we have to pay Jabba the Hutt here a visit.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: I'll bring the chainsaw.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: I'll bring the beer.
"Don't worry, guys. Just wait a year later for Total Recall and Schwarzenegger will just shoot him in the head." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tango's lawyer, played by Richard Fancy, tells him that somebody's setting him up and that he should cop a plea deal. So, he talks to Cash about it and that they should take the plea deal to do 18 months time.
"What? 18 months time for killing a federal agent? I think you should take that deal." Chad said.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: I think you'll love it. I understand they open the gym at 5am. You can start pumping early.
(Tango turns to Cash and looks at him)
"Or maybe we can pump together… if you know what I mean." Sean said, imitating Cash as he makes a seductive look while sexy porno music plays in the background.
Chad: (Narrating) So, they cop the deal with Tango making a moving, emotional statement to the court about the years of service to the justice system and trusting that they will make the nice choice. But Cash, however….
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: This whole thing… fucking sucks! I mean, this is the biggest pile of shit ever heard!
(The court applauds)
Judge McCormick (Played by the late David Byrd): Order!
"Isn't that what Andrei Konchalovsky said to Jon Peters about the tone of the movie?" Chad asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Tango and Cash are found guilty for murder and sent to Club Fed for 18 months. But instead of Club Fed, they're sent to a different prison and remember the show Oz. Yeah, they're sent to Emerald City, the prison. A real pound them in the ass, stab them in prison.
Chad: (Narrating) Either that or they're sent to the set of the movie Lock-Up. I wonder if the warden of the prison is Donald Sutherland. (Sees Tango and Cash walking to the prison showers naked) And yes, there goes your butt shot for the movie. I hope you're all happy for seeing Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell's bare asses. So while Tango and Cash are showering, they try to piece together to find out who set them up. And hell, guess we have to do a drop the soap joke.
(Cash bends down to pick up the soap as Tango turns around)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Relax. (Picks up the soap) Soap. And don't flatter yourself, Peewee.
"And there you go. You got your ideas for a dirty Tango & Cash fanfic about the two of them in the prison showers together. You sick perverts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The two of them get sent into general population, where they get greeted by some of the inmates. This scene made me wish that I was watching Beyond Scared Straight right about now. Oh, and they run into one of the criminals that Tango busted named Face, played by the late Robert Z'Dar.
Face: Hey punk. When I get out of here, I'm going to tear you a new ass.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: You know Captain Dynaball here?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (Recognizes Face) Yes! Yes! I loved you in Conan the Barbarian.
"Dude, he was in Maniac Cop 1-3 and Samurai Cop. Get your movies correct, Sly." Sean said.
"Maniac Cop and Samurai Cop? Dude, how did you know who he is and what movies he's from?" Chad asked.
"Because I've watched those movies. Hell, Samurai Cop is the most silliest and stupidest movie I have ever seen." Sean said.
(Tango grabs Face by his head and slams it against the jail cell bars)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: If you need me, me and my ass will be in the neighborhood.
"Okay, he's been in prison for at least five minutes and now Tango's started hitting on people. You know, I'd rather watch Natalia Starr lezzing it out with Nadia Styles and Skin Diamond in Brazzers' porn parody of Orange Is the New Black." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, Tango and Cash got to make some new friends. You have Cash sharing a jail cell with some big black guy who's about the size of Sean's drunk Uncle Tony, and Tango's cellmate is some crazy guy playing with a slinky, played by Clint Howard.
"Oh great, is Clint Howard going to appear on my show every time?" Sean asked.
"Maybe. How many movies do you have with Clint Howard appearing in?" Chad asked.
"Well, there's the Austin Powers movies and The Cat in the Hat. Goddamn it." Sean said.
"Expect him in your show." Chad chuckles.
Slinky (Played by Clint Howard): (To Tango) I'm not afraid of you. (Keeps playing with his slinky and points at the newspaper clippings) You see that? I killed him.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (While reading his newspaper) Congratulations.
Slinky: He was my best friend. Crazy people aren't afraid of anybody.
"Yeah, I have the death sentence on twelve systems." Chad said, imitating Slinky.
"Oh, that's nice. I just want to check the stocks." Sean said as he imitates Tango while reading the newspaper.
Sean: (Narrating) Slinky destroys Tango's newspaper with his slinky and he should know that you do not mess with a guy who wears Armani suits, reads about the stockmarket and looks like Egon Spengler with those glasses. Because this will happen to you.
(We see that Tango is sleeping peacefully as the camera pans up to show that Slinky is tied up in his slinky)
"Okay, Sean. I know you have a little Ghostbusters joke around somewhere." Chad said.
"Ah, I believe that I do. Let me check the files under Ghostbusters jokes." Sean said while he looks through some files for the perfect joke for the scene. "Ah, I've got it."
(A sound clip from Ghostbusters II plays while we see a tied up Slinky)
Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by Harold Ramis): We had part of a slinky but I've straightened it.
Chad: (Narrating) But Tango and Cash's peaceful slumber is interrupted as the inmates give them an early wake-up call for a beat down and dragged out of their cells and throw them down the laundry chute for a little hazing for the prison fraternity as they're surrounded by the prisoners and a little appearance from Perret, who's hidden in the shadows.
Yves Perret: Ah, the infamous Cash and Tango. Dishonored, imprisoned… what a shameful fall from glory.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: And who are you?
Yves Perret: Just think of me as somebody who doesn't like you very much.
"Hmm, is it a film critic?" Chad asked.
(The man with the ponytail enters the laundry room and Tango recognizes him)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Oh, shit. That's the guy I've followed to the set-up.
Sean: (V/O as Jesse Ventura) I'm Jesse Ventura and welcome to my new show called Police Brutality.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Don't panic.
Requin (Played by the late Brion James): (In a cockney accent) Tarty Tango.
"Dammit, Brion James! Why did you have to talk? I had the perfect running gag for this review and you had to ruin it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Requin, Perret's right-hand man, played by the late Brion James. Who you might recognize him in every movie that he's in and he played the voice of Rudy Jones a.k.a Parasite in Superman: The Animated Series and he played Leon Kowalski in the movie Blade Runner. In this one, he hams up the British accent that it's just friggin' hilarious.
Requin: (Threatens Cash with a razor) I'll cut your bloody throat, yank your tongue out the hole, and tie it in a lovely windsor knot for you, eh?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: I don't wear ties, that's him.
Requin: Brave boy.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: You want to cut my throat? Go ahead. You want to cut my fucking head off and use it for a fucking basketball? You can bowl with the motherfucker for all I care, just don't let him do it! I don't want to get killed by this limey, immigrant jerk-off. I want to get killed by an American… jerk-off.
Requin: You fucking wanker!
"I'll have you know that I was born in Redlands, California. Read my IMDB profile, you fucking wanker!" Chad said as he imitates Requin while Brion James' IMDB profile is shown.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, Face is there to give Tango and Cash an epic beatdown before Stallone can star in Rocky V and Kurt Russell star in Captain Ron. And then we get a fight scene and whoa, hold up!
(The movie pauses as it zooms in on the prison inmate, who's strangely enough played by Billy Blanks)
Chad: (Narrating) Is that Billy Blanks?
"Holy shit, it is Billy Blanks!" Sean exclaimed.
"I didn't know that the Tae Bo guy is on this movie." Chad said.
"What? Is he going to use his Tae Bo moves on Tango and Cash?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean dressed as an inmate while Tae Bo music plays in the background. In the scene, Sean is supposed to be playing Billy Blanks)
Sean: (as Billy Blanks) Hi, I'm Billy Blanks and I'm gonna give you two the 8-minute Tae Bo workout. Are you ready? 5, 6, 7, 8….
(We see Sean doing some Tae Bo workout techniques)
Sean: There we go. Let's get into it. Keep it up. Right hook.
(Sean then starts doing some right hook punches while counting)
Sean: All right, now uppercut.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So then it turns into the most violent laundry day ever as Tango and Cash fend off the inmates until they get a beatdown from them and get captured. Now, they could kill them right now but no, they could just screw with them and to see how slowly they could kill them with electrocution.
(Cash gets dipped into the water as Requin sticks the wire in the water, shocking him)
"Sean, no electrocution jokes." Chad said.
"What? I'm not going to do that." Sean said.
"Good." Chad said.
"Although, this the prison version of Jolt Cola." Sean said.
"Goddamn you." Chad said as he makes a facepalm.
Chad: (Narrating) But before our heroes are fried to death, the party is crashed by the prison guards who are not corrupt and they're led by assistant warden Matt Sokowski, played by Phil Rubinstein.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: If this creep want us dead so bad, why doesn't he just put a bullet in our head and call it a day? What the hell's he gotta play this game for?
"Well, I don't know. Maybe he's seen you two in Cobra and Big Trouble in Little China, so yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Matt isn't the one who's crooked and that they should trust him. They can't just walk out of the prison, instead he helps them with an escape plan, which means they have one shot to get this right… but there's one minor problem.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Negative.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: What?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: I'm not going. I changed my mind.
"Turns out that Tango wants to stay in prison." Sean said before slapping his forehead.
Sean: (Narrating) The reason is because he doesn't trust Matt and he suspects that it might be a trap.
(Slinky enters the cells and sees Tango and Cash)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: What's this?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: This is my fiance, Slinky. Up Slinky.
(Slinky climbs up the top bunk)
"Did he just make Clint Howard his bitch?" Chad chuckled a bit.
"I believe he did, Chad. He sure did." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Well, I guess that means that Cash is on his own as he makes it outside in the rain, knock down one of the walls and makes his way to freedom. But a major problem springs up as Cash finds Sokowski murdered and pursued by Face and the guards.
Sean: (Narrating) Cash tries to run but they turn on the fans to block his escape. But who will save him? Is there a guardian angel out there to save Cash?
(Tango stops the fan blades with a metal pipe so Cash can get through)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: What are you doing here?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: I got lonely.
"Tango, you magnificent bastard! You came back!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Chad: (Narrating) Cash reunites with Tango as the two make their escape onto the roof of the prison and slide down the power line to freedom without getting electrocuted. Cash makes it over but Tango gets confronted by Face, who pops up and grabs him like a slasher villain. And he attacks Tango with a friggin' grappling hook. Yeah, like that's gonna stop him.
(Tango frees himself from the grappling hook, causing Face to fall back into the power lines and get electrocuted to death)
(A sound clip from Static Shock plays while Face gets electrocuted)
Static Shock (Voiced by Phil LaMarr): I'll put a shock to your system.
"Oh, for Christ's sake. Really?!" Chad said as he gives Sean an annoyed look.
"Sorry, had to do it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the two of them escape the prison and Tango tells Cash if it gets to hot for him on the streets, go to a club called Cleopatra's and ask for Katherine and she'll know when to find him. And the two of them part ways.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Hey, Ray…
(Tango turns to Cash)
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): I love you.
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): I know.
"Oh, come on! Quit it!" Chad yelled out.
"Sorry! I couldn't help it. I had to throw in a Star Wars clip for that scene." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Perret finds out about Tango and Cash escaping from prison and his associates aren't too happy about that and they want to take action.
Yves Perret: Try… try to control your fear. These men are convicted killers and fugitives. They won't last long on the outside.
Lopez: Oh, Mr. Perret, we cannot rely on the police to take care of this matter. I insist…
Yves Perret: (Yelling) DON'T INSIST!
We cut back to Sean and Chad both jumping back against their seats after getting startled by Perret's yelling.
Yves Perret: Insistent people make me angry.
(A clip from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is shown)
Dr. Evil (Played by Mike Myers): That makes me angry. And when Doctor Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, PEOPLE DIE!
"Yeah, look at what happened to the last guy who was insistent, Perret had that man killed. Never insist in front of that man." Chad said.
(Perret slams his hand down on the remote control to his televisions on the wall, ending the call as static is only seen on the screen)
"Yeah, can you imagine him ending the call from his television wall and all of a sudden he accidentally switches to something else." Sean said.
(Perret slams his hand down on the remote control to end his call with Quan and Lopez. Instead of static on the screen, then a clip from Brazzers' Hot and Mean showing Layden Sin and Karlie Montana fully clothed and kissing passionately on the bed)
"Oh, great job! You switched over to the Brazzers channel. First up, it's a lesbian scene featuring Karlie Montana and Layden Sin, and after that it's the Brazzers porn parody of Pretty Little Liars. You know, for an over-the-top, Saturday morning cartoon villain you sure aren't that bright." Sean said.
"He bought too many TVs. One would've been just fine." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we cut to Cash, who's supposed to be laying low, arriving at Q Branch as he meet up with his weapons expert buddy Owen, played by the late Michael J. Pollard, who provides him with some clothes, guns and to show him one of the gadgets that they've been working on.
(As Cash gets ready to head out, an explosion is heard as stuffing flies all over the place. Cash turns around and sees the stuffed doberman. It's head exploded from the gun inside it's mouth)
"What the hell were they working on, the prototype model for Beethoven? And that's a dangerous gift to give to your girlfriend." Sean pointed out.
Chad: (Narrating) We cut to the home of that federal agent Wyler, played by the late Lewis Arquette, as Tango goes over there to pay him a little visit and to question him about who set him up.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Who paid you?
FBI Agent Howard Wyler: I don't know.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Come on, you FBI guys are real brainy. Think, think, think.
FBI Agent Howard Wyler: It was an Englishman with red hair.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Yeah, and a ponytail. "You're going down for this." Remember those lyrics? You sang it to me loud and clear. But you're going down.
"Alright, fine. I'm sorry for what I've done. Just please don't torture me by showing me Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot." Chad said, imitating Agent Wyler.
Sean: (Narrating) But Wyler decides to get away from Tango, but his escape is cut short when a car bomb ends his life. Back with Cash, he goes to visit the audio guy Skinner and interrogates him for answers.
(Skinner tries to make a run for it, but Cash fires his shotgun up in the air, stopping Skinner in his tracks)
"Hey, he's armed with a 12-gauge shotgun and the room is soundproof. Which means he can shoot his leg off with that gun and no one can hear Mr. Noodle screaming." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) It turns out that the audio that helped get Tango and Cash convicted was a clever edit. Remember YouTube Poop? Yeah, it's just like that and then Cash starts blasting up the joint in order to get the information about who hired him and where they are. And then there's also that thing about finding Tango's sister Katherine at Cleopatra's, so let's get that out of the way.
(Katherine, going by her stage name "Kiki", appears on stage and starts dancing)
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Helloooo nurse!
"Helloooo nurse, indeed!" Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.
(Katherine and Cash look at each other)
Chad: (V/O as Cash) Boy, that stripper looks so bangably hot. I totally want to do her. I wonder if they're real and they're spectacular.
"Hey, awesome Seinfeld reference. I give you five points for that one." Sean said to Chad.
"Why thank you." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Cash has the hots for Tango's sister and he meets up with Katherine and she knows that Cash is a friend because only Tango calls her "Katherine". But that's about all she knows.
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: Is he alright?
"Well, he's been accused of murdering a federal agent, sent to prison and almost killed in prison. How do you think he's feeling right now?" Sean asked.
Chad: (Narrating) But there's still the problem with the cops since they're inside the club, which means that they have to slip out the back. But how?
(We see Katherine dressed in a biker's outfit as she gets on the motorcycle)
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: Hey, Lynn. Let's go!
(Sexy music starts playing as we see a beautiful woman getting out of the club. We get a shot of her high heels)
"Whoa, mama." Chad said.
"Boy, this chick looks smoking hot. Okay, I totally plow her sexy…" Sean said.
(The camera pans up, revealing to be Cash dressed as an attractive woman)
We then cut back to Sean, who's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped from seeing Cash wearing women's clothing.
"Dude, you just said that you want to plow Kurt Russell." Chad said.
"Oh, god! Oh, my god! I can't believe that I said that! AAAAAHHHH!" Sean screams in disgust as he runs out of the room.
(We get a parody of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective as we see Sean in the bathroom vomiting in the toilet, then we see him brushing his teeth and squeezing some toothpaste in his mouth. The scene is followed by Sean using a plunger on his mouth, which makes him throw up some more. The young critic throws his clothes in the trash can, pours lighter fluid all over his clothes then flicks the match as he burns them. Sean then runs over to the shower, turning it on and starts crying. All while Boy George's rendition of "The Crying Game" plays in the background)
"Oh, brother. I can't believe that he did all of that." Chad said to himself. "What an idiot."
(The words "A Few Moments Later" is on the screen)
Narrator: A few moments later.
We cut to Sean, who's seen wearing a different pair of clothes and chewing some gum while working on some good Hope/Josie smut for the Legacies category on Fanfiction.
"Josie stared deeply into Hope's light blue eyes as she pulled the zipper on her leather jacket down, opening it to reveal her creamy…" Sean said.
"What the? Are you working on some dirty Legacies fanfiction about Hope Mikaelson and Josie Saltzman?" Chad asked.
"I had to. I just want to get my mind off of you-know-who in women's clothing. God, I cannot believe that I said that." Sean shuddered a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Katherine takes Cash back to her place, well before Tango makes it over. Only to see that the massage treatment that she's giving him, looks a bit different from his point of view, making him think that his sister is giving Cash a nice little ride.
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: (While giving Cash some chiropractic treatment by trying to put the slipped disk back in him) Oh, my God! Gabe, I can feel it going in!
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: (Groans) Harder!
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: Oh, it's almost in.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: God! It's all the way in!
"Okay, for those of you at home I want you to try this. Simply just close your eyes and visualize because it sounds like some hardcore porn." Chad said.
(We cut to a dark screen as we only hear Gabe and Katherine's voices)
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: Oh, my God! Gabe, I can feel it going in!
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Harder!
Katherine "Kiki" Tango: Oh, it's almost in.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: God! It's all the way in!
"Boy, it does sound like porno. This kinda reminds me of a little misunderstanding that I had with Dave and Taylor when I came in the house thinking that he was having sex with her but he was giving her a foot massage. That reminds me, I have to call him to apologize for trying to shoot him." Sean said as he picks up his phone from off of the coffee table.
(Tango notices someone watching outside by the door and runs towards him)
Sean: (V/O as Tango) Hey! Only I watch my sister doing the nasty with some guy, not you!
(Tango runs towards the man, grabs the duck statue from off of the table and knocks the screen door on the man. It's revealed to be Captain Schroeder)
Captain Schroeder: Ray!
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Captain?
Captain Schroeder: Is this the way you screen all your guests?
(The audience applauds as the theme song for Step By Step starts playing while the words "Executive Producer PETER MacDONALD" appears on the screen)
Chad: (Narrating) So much for that sitcom one-liner, it's time for some more of Tango and Cash bickering like an old married couple.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Way to go. You almost nailed your captain.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Yeah? At least I saw him. What the hell were you doing here?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Hey, I saw him. I was getting ready to make my move. By the way, your girlfriend…
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: My sister! My what?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Your what?
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: My sister.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: She's your… Are you… That's great!
"That means that I can date your sister and bang her. Awesome! I found a way to get back at you." Chad said, imitating Cash.
"I'll kill you." Sean said, imitating Tango.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Schroeder tells Tango and Cash that they've got 24 hours to clear their names. So with the tape and the address to Requin's place. They drop by to pay Requin a visit. And yes, that's a definite villain hideout. It's overly sunny in the room and you have the bad guy hiding around the corner armed with an Uzi.
Requin: (Threatens Cash with his Micro Uzi) Been expecting you.
(Tango surprises Requin by pointing his LAR Grizzly Win Mag pistol in the back of his head)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (In a British accent) Shame, shame. Don't you know ponytails are out this season?
"Really? Hearing Stallone speaking in a British accent is a bit weird. Can you imagine him talking in a British accent in his movies? That'll be really weird." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) So, they take Requin up to the room to interrogate him. So, they threaten to drop the sack of fish and chips off the roof if he doesn't give them a name. So, Plan "A" is out of the picture. But it's on to Plan "B", which involves taping a grenade onto Requin's mouth and blowing his head off. And this is when Tango loses his shit.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: What the fuck is this? You're a cop!
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: I was a cop! But because of this dirtbag and his friends, we're on the run. No, it's payback.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Oh, man. I heard about you.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Did you?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: I heard you were a fucking Section 8, man. I didn't believe all that weird, sadistic bullshit I heard you pulled, but you are man. You're for real!
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: If you don't want to get sticky, get back… Jack. (Hums the Jaws theme)
"Holy shit. Tango's the crazy cop. And I thought that Cash was the insane one. Tango deserves to be in the Psycho Hall of Fame along with John McClane and Martin Riggs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that it was just an act for Requin to give them an answer, who tells them that Perret is responsible and tells them where he's hiding out at. But before they head over to Perret's hideout, Tango and Cash visit Owen, who shows them the most fucking awesome car ever.
(Owen shows Tango and Cash the high-tech assault vehicle)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Oh my…
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: God.
Owen (Played by the late Michael J. Pollard): Double-armored bulletproof glazing all around. 120-millimeter cannon on the driver's side. Transfer case has torque splitting. It'll see 60 in 5 ½ seconds and pull hig 10s in the ¼.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: What is that?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: That is an RV from Hell.
"Okay, that is the most fucking awesome car ever! Who do I have to blow to get one of these things?" Sean asked as Chad gives him a look.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: We'll take it.
Owen: No, you can't take it. That's one of a kind. That's a prototype.
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: Owen, trust us. We won't put a scratch on it.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Owen, we're fully insured.
Owen: Fully insured?
"Riiiiiiiiiiiigh." Chad said as he raised an eyebrow.
"Right, so how long until they take the Batmobile out into the field?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Tango and Cash taking the "RV from Hell" and crashes through the gate of Perret's hideout. We see the words "3 Minutes" written on the screen)
Yves Perret: (Sees Tango and Cash on television) Oh, my God.
"Did we mention that we friggin' love this movie?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.
Chad: (Narrating) They make it to the hideout and what do you know, Perret's goons also have cars with machine guns mounted on the hoods. And my God, it looks like something that just came out of Twisted Metal. Throw in Calypso and Sweet Tooth and the Clowns and you got yourself the perfect Twisted Metal stage. And so, our heroes ditch the Batmobile for some construction vehicles in order to make it into the fortress.
Owen: (On speaker) Why aren't you guys talking to me anymore? Come on, say something.
"And now, a moment of silence for the most awesome vehicle ever." Chad said.
(We cut to a photo of the "RV from Hell" with the words "Farewell, Awesome Car. 1989" on the screen while the song "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" plays in the background. BTW, it's The Flex's rendition of the song from the movie House Party 2)
Sean: (Narrating) After crashing their way into Perret's hideout, Tango and Cash start shooting the ever-loving crap out of the bad guys and help themselves to some pretty awesome weapons.
(The alarm blares, triggering the facility's self-destruct sequence)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: (Sees the bomb) Cash! Either this clock works backwards or somebody activated a bomb.
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Yeah, wonder who.
(Tango and Cash look up at the camera)
"Wait a minute, he has a self-destruct sequence in his facility. Why is this movie so cheesy and awesome and have we mentioned that we love this movie?" Chad asked.
Chad: (Narrating) Tango and Cash make their way into Perret's facility and they mow down both Quan and Lopez. And what do you know, the bad guys have Tango's sister. Hey, they gotta have a way to bring her into the climax. Okay, as much as I love Jack Palance in this movie, Brion James' extended role makes him the lead villain.
(A clip from Tim Burton's Batman is shown)
Carl Grissom (Played by Jack Palance): You are my number one guy.
"Why couldn't he be the lead villain? He fills all of the lead villain functions." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) You have a big fight scene between Tango and some goon and Cash fighting Requin, which leads to the best death ever.
(Cash pulls out an M67 hand grenade)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: We never talked about Plan "C", asshole.
(Cash pulls the pin on the grenade and gives Requin the middle finger before sticking the grenade in his pants)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: You think it's a dud?
(Cash uppercuts Requin down the stairs until the grenade explodes, killing Requin)
(Tango looks at Cash after the grenade explodes)
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: FUBAR. Big time.
"Okay, death by crotch bomb would be the best death ever in a movie." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) And now, it's down to one man left…
(Tango and Cash find Perret holding Katherine at gunpoint in a hall of mirrors)
Yves Perret: When the one great scorer comes to write against your name, he'll mark not that you won or lost, or how you play the game. What bullshit.
(A clip from the Ed, Edd n' Eddy episode Honor Thy Ed is shown)
Edd (Voiced by Sam Vincent): is it me or do our heads look like yams?
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): [Laughs.] Big butt, so what?
Edd: It's a mirror. A room full of mirrors.
Eddy (Voiced by Tony Sampson): Sweet!
Edd: Yams, what was I thinking?
"Are you kidding me? He's got a room full of mirrors behind a secret sliding door right next to his office in this facility that is equipped with a self-destruct sequence. Why is this movie so goddamn awesome?" Chad asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, all they have to do is to take this guy alive and shoot him in the kneecaps.
(Tango and Cash both pick out the correct Perret and shoot him in the forehead)
"Or just blow his brains out. Is it too late to play a Batman clip now?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. Batman clip or not, there's only twenty seconds on the clock. So they gather Katherine and high tail it outta there.
(The screen takes on the HUD and the Escape theme from Super Metroid plays in the background. After Tango, Cash and Katherine escape the facility, the building explodes followed by a scene where planet Zebes explodes at the end of Super Metroid.
"Okay, I'm pretty sure that it didn't happen. But with the amount of illegal weapons that Perret has in his facility yeah, it would cause such a huge explosion but it wouldn't make a planet explode." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) And thus, this brings our movie to a close. Tango and Cash save Katherine, Cash is interested to date Tango's sister, Tango getting annoyed by Cash and our two heroes save the day.
(Tango and Cash high five each other)
"YEAAAAAAAHHHHH! Oh, sorry. Got a little too excited." Sean said.
(We see Tango and Cash on the newspaper)
Sean: (Narrating) And our two heroes are back on the force and their names are cleared. Also, you gotta love a movie where it literally ends with "To hell with what critics think. Fuck 'em! Tango and Cash!".
"And that was Tango & Cash. Sean, what are your thoughts on this movie?" Chad said.
"What are my thoughts about this movie? IT KICKS ASS!" Sean shouted.
"IT'S FRIGGIN' AWESOME!" Chad shouted as well.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, what can you expect from the director of The Nutcracker in 3D and the writer of Hell Night, Nowhere to Run and Metro? Pretty much the buddy cop movie you get. And you know what, it's cool to like Tango & Cash.
Chad: (Narrating) Although the movie wasn't a hit with critics, it was a mild success and over the years, the movie gained a few fans. The movie was a blast to watch from start to finish. Stallone and Russell play well with each other and Jack Palance gave a performance that was just enjoyable to watch. He's the best part of this movie.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie has some great action, awesome music, great acting and a great story. If you're a fan of action movies, then check this one out. If you haven't seen it, then for crying out loud watch it. If you have seen it, then watch it again. If you're watching it right now, then kudos to you. Tango & Cash easily comes in at 5 RVs from Hell out of 5.
"And that's all the time we have for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm Chad Knight." Chad said.
"And I'll see you guys next time when I finish up Stallone Month with…." Sean said.
"Let me guess, you're gonna review Demolition Man, huh?" Chad asked.
Sean immediately gives Chad the evil eye. "I hate you."
(Alternate Scene)
(Cash bends down to pick up the soap as Tango turns around)
Lieutenant Raymond Tango: What are you doing?
Lieutenant Gabriel Cash: Relax. (Picks up the soap) Soap. And don't flatter yourself, Peewee.
(A clip from Marriage Story is shown)
Nicole (Played by Scarlett Johansson): Well, I think I'm going to go if you two are going to just sit around and suck each other's dicks.
"Oh, come on! I was gonna use that clip!" Sean yelled out.
"Too bad, Peewee." Chad said, smirking.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Rambo is a pussy.
And that is all for the review of Tango & Cash for The Mayhem Critic and yes, this is a movie that you should definitely watch and enjoy. It's one of the best action comedies ever and I recommend it. Also, what did you think of the new character Chad Knight? Will he return for more episodes of The Mayhem Critic. There might be a spinoff for him in the future. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Stallone Month goes out with a bang as Sean goes back to the days of manly action movies when he takes a look at the 1993 sci-fi action comedy Demolition Man and see how well it holds up. After that, I will be reviewing either Transformers: The Movie (the 1986 version) or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze or Zombies 2. Which one should I review after Demolition Man? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for more Mayhem Critic. Till next time, my fellow readers.