The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another amazing and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all are ready for the next chapter because this is where the fun begins. Today, Sean reviews a movie from his childhood. And that movie is the 1994 film adaptation The Little Rascals. A movie that we grew up watching and remember till this day. But does this movie still hold up well or is it not as good as we remember? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Little Rascals is owned by Universal Pictures, Amblin Entertainment and King World Productions.
Episode Eighty-Six
The Little Rascals
We open with our favorite critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch with a smile on his face. He was seen wearing his Old Navy jacket, red long-sleeved shirt, jeans, his Adidas sneakers and his Chicago Bears hat as he gets ready to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about The Little Rascals."
(Clips from the Our Gang a.k.a The Little Rascals shorts are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Created by producer Hal Roach back in 1922. The Little Rascals were a series of shorts that features children getting into some mischief. It started off as a series of silent film before the shorts had sound. And we all know the loveable characters Spanky, Darla, Stymie, Buckwheat, Porky, Pete the Pup and of course, Alfalfa. Let's not forget to mention that Alfalfa's actor Carl Switzer was a bad boy and in his final years and his death was a strange one. Watch E!'s Mysteries and Scandals about Alfalfa and the Little Rascals. In 1944 after twenty-two years and 221 episodes, the Our Gang film series closed it's clubhouse for good. Then, flash forward fifty years later, the geniuses at Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment came up with the brightest idea ever, a film adaptation of The Little Rascals.
"And how well did it turn out? It turned out to be the best film from our childhood!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The title screen for the movie is shown while the theme music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 5, 1994, I was only two-years-old at the time and my girlfriend was just a newborn baby at the time, the movie introduced us to a whole new generation of rascals. Directed by Penelope Spheeris, who directed Wayne's World and film adaptation of The Beverly Hillbillies. This movie tells the tale of Alfalfa wooing Darla and his "He-Man Woman-Hating" friends attempt to sabotage their relationship.
"Which seems like a pretty good plot." Sean said.
(More clips are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, for those of you who grew up watching the movie and adoring it, I bet you all want to murder me right now for making fun of the movie. Look, this is one of my favorite movies from when I was a little kid and I still watch it till this day. And being 28-years-old and looking back at it now, the movie has some questionable and dumb moments.
"Well, let's join the He-Man Woman-Haters club, this is The Little Rascals." Sean said.
(The movie opens as we see Spanky sitting on the porch with Petey the Pup)
Sean: (Narrating) We see one of the character's Spanky, played by Travis Tedford, writing a message on paper and he sends Petey out to deliver the message. On his way, we're introduced to some more characters of the movie: Stymie played by Kevin Jamal Woods, Froggy played by Jordan Warkol, Buckwheat played by Ross Elliot Bagley and Porky played by Zachary Mabry. Also, I just love composer William Ross' rendition of the Little Rascals theme that plays during the opening credits.
(The Little Rascals theme plays during the opening credits as we see Petey running to Froggy's house and rings his doorbell. Froggy opens the door and sees Petey, then he reads the note that's pinned on Petey's collar)
Froggy (Played by Jordan Warkol): (Raspy voice) Be back later, Mom!
"Fun fact: that was E.G. Daily, Tommy's voice actor from Rugrats, doing the voice for Froggy. Also, is it just me or does Froggy look like the little kid version of Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Sean asked as a photo of Toht and Froggy are shown side-by-side.
(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown. We see Froggy's head superimposed on Toht's body)
Sean: (V/O as Froggy in a raspy voice) Heil Hitler!
"Never put that creepy Gestapo agent in a kids movie. But then again union president Michel Arsenault and Major Arnold Toht look like that they're separated at birth." Sean said.
(A picture of union president Michel Arsenault and another picture of Toht are shown side-by-side)
(A sound clip from TSN's SportsCentre plays)
Jay Onrait: (V/O) The resemblance is uncanny.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Petey is on his way to send the message to Buckwheat and Porky, who are busy fishing and we get our first little gag in the movie.
Buckwheat (Played by Ross Elliot Bagley): Got anything, Porky?
Porky (Played by Zachary Mabry): Not a bite, Buckwheat.
(Buckwheat and Porky end up getting their fishing lines tangled)
Porky: I've got something! I've got something!
Buckwheat: Me too! A big, fat one!
(Buckwheat and Porky continue to tug at each other's fishing lines. Buckwheat tugs on Porky's fishing line, causing Porky to lean forward against the edge of the dock)
Porky: Whoa!
(Porky tugs on Buckwheat's fishing line. As he tugs on it, Porky leans back while Buckwheat leans forward)
Buckwheat: Whoo!
"This little gag is paying homage to the 1943 Our Gang short Three Smart Guys, which featured Buckwheat, Froggy and Mickey. And just to let you know that Mickey is played by a young Robert Blake. That was before the whole Bonnie Lee Bakley murder thing back in 2001. I still think Baretta did that shit." Sean said.
(A clip from Robert Blake's 20/20 interview is shown)
Robert Blake: Smoke that!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Petey arrives and pulls Buckwheat up, but it ends with Porky falling into the water. Then, they read the note that's attached to Petey's collar.
Porky: What's it say?
(Buckwheat hands the note over to Porky. Porky reads the note and we see that he's reading it upside down)
Porky: We gotta learn to read.
(Petey barks)
"Yeah, I agree with Petey on this one. You gotta learn to read. Mostly because you're reading the damn note backwards. Also, I noticed that Spanky spelled the word "emergency" wrong. He spelled it with a "u" in it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the boys' clubhouse called the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, where all boys are allowed, oh yeah. Including a monkey.
(We see the monkey named Elmer giving the "hi sign" to Froggy)
Froggy: You're ok, Elmer.
"What? A Capuchin monkey can't be a member in a boys' club? Come on, it's like having a monkey that works for the Nazis. I cannot believe that I made another Raiders of the Lost Ark reference in this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But not everyone can be a member of their club. Which brings me to the two bullies Butch and sidekick Woim, played by Sam Saletta and Blake Jeremy Collins. But we'll get to those two later as we see Spanky, who's the president of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, has called an emergency meeting, but first some of the members of the club have some interesting stories to share.
Spanky (Played by Travis Tedford): (Points to Buckwheat) Buckwheat.
Buckwheat: Yeah! This morning my sister left the toilet seat down.
Rascals: Eww!
Porky: Women make men miserable.
Spanky: Froggy.
Froggy: Yeah, there's this girl who moved in across the street…
Rascals: Eww!
Froggy: … and she came over 'cause she wanted to play.
Rascals: Eww!
Froggy: But don't worry, I got back at her.
Rascals: What'd you do?
Spanky: What'd you do?
(Petey whines)
Froggy: I whipped out my lizard.
"I'm sorry. Your what?" Sean asked, looking confused.
(Froggy pulls out a lizard from out of his pocket)
"Whew." Sean sighed in relief. "You know, for a second I thought it was the other lizard that you were talking about. A certain one-eyed lizard. Your wang, your willy, your chode, your member, your sword, your tool, your joystick, your Johnson, Action Jackson, Richard, one-eyed monster, boner. I can go on with a few slang words for penis. I have a list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Spanky called an emergency meeting regarding the go-kart derby and they talk about the pride of their club known as "The Blur", which was never been beaten in five years. Also, the trophy will be presented by the famous Indy race car driver A.J. Ferguson. Oh, and the driver is chosen to drive "The Blur", and that person is Alfalfa.
Spanky: Say… where the heck is Alfalfa?
"Apparently, nowhere to be found." Sean said. "So much for their driver. Time to pick somebody else."
(We cut to Alfalfa singing to Darla on a boat)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, the movie has already found Alfalfa, played by Bug Hall, as we see him wooing Darla, played by Brittany Ashton Holmes.
Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall): (Sings off-key) You are so beautiful to me can't you see.
(We cut to a clip from American Idol, where we see Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell breaking down in laughter while cutting back to Alfalfa singing while Randy and Simon continue to break down laughing)
Alfalfa: (Sings) You are so beautiful to me-eeee!
Simon Cowell: What the bloody hell was that?
We cut back to Sean, who's seen covering his face with a pillow to contain his laughter from hearing Alfalfa singing.
"Oh, my God. That was totally dreadful. It sounded like a cat getting strangled and I've heard some bad singing in my time. Trust me, he wouldn't even make it to American Idol and The X-Factor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Spanky and the gang find Alfalfa canoodling with Darla and he's fallen in love with her, which is forbidden for him to fall in love with a girl and that goes against club rules and the boys are not too happy.
Darla (Played by Brittany Ashton Holmes): Then how come you belong to that silly Woman-Haters Club? You know, I'm a woman. Sort of.
"Um, I've checked you IMDB page, princess. You were only 5-years-old at the time they filmed this movie." Sean said as Brittany Ashton Holmes' IMDB page is shown. "And now, you're 31-years-old, which makes you…"
(A picture of Brittany Ashton Holmes, who's all grown up, is shown. She is dressed as a Playboy bunny)
"Damn! Darla got hot when she got older." Sean said.
(A clip from Billy Madison is shown)
Billy Madison (Played by Adam Sandler): Soooo hot, want to touch the hiney. (Howls)
Alfalfa: I'm a sensitive male. I'm into sharing, caring, feeling and healing. I'm in touch with my feminine side.
Darla: How nice.
Buckwheat: It's worse than I thought.
"Oh, my God. Alfalfa's turning into one of those wussy males. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Sean screams.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Alfalfa invites Darla to a little picnic and to prove his devotion and love to her, he agrees to take her to the clubhouse to have their picnic at. But what he doesn't know that his friends find out about his plans. So, we cut to Butch and Woim as we see them tesing out their go-kart for the derby, which doesn't go well as planned.
(Butch and Woim test out their go-kart called "The Beast". As they test drive it, Butch and Woim start screaming as the bumper falls off)
Butch (Played by Sam Saletta): Look! There goes our bumper!
(Woim whimpers as the go-kart starts falling apart)
Butch: All this work for nothing.
(The go-kart continues to fall apart as Butch and Woim start screaming again before the screen cuts to black and we hear a crashing sound. Then, we cut to three adorable puppies in a basket while easy-going music starts playing in the background. The words "We Love You So Much. Be Sweet. Your Friends At The Mayhem Critic." are shown on the screen)
"Alright, alright. I'm kidding. That didn't even happen to them. Even though you wish it did because their go-kart was a piece of shit and they spent their milk money building it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alfalfa is having a lovely stroll to Darla's house, but he ends up having a run-in with Butch and Woim, who are not happy to see our little friend with the pointed hair.
Alfalfa: Hiya, Butch.
Butch: Shut up! When's the last time we beat you up?
Alfalfa: Let's see. Today's the 10th. Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. It's not a leap year. Y-Yesterday.
Butch: You're due!
Alfalfa: (Points at something) Look!
(Butch and Woim look at something that Alfalfa was pointing at until Alfalfa makes a run for it)
Woim (Played by Blake Jeremy Collins): I don't see nothin'!
Butch: Come on, you doink! Let's go! He can't run very fast.
(Shorty from Scary Movie pops up from out of the left corner as Alfalfa runs faster while Butch and Woim chase him)
Shorty (Played by Marlon Wayans): Run, bitch, run!
(We cut to Alfalfa running through a body shop. We hear the sound of a spray gun hissing and we see that Alfalfa ran out of Earl Scheib Auto Painting. The van leaves out of the auto painting shop and there are two marks on the van that are not covered with paint followed by Butch and Woim stepping out of the shop and they're both covered in blue paint.
Butch: Yech!
"Hey, remember that scene from the movie Colors where Sean Penn gave that Latino gang member the Earl Scheib treatment with the can of spray paint and sprayed him in the face with it. Well, imagine if Sean Penn was in this scene and he sprayed those two with a spray gun. That would be hilarious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Alfalfa avoids getting his Rascal ass kicked by the bullies, he finally makes over to Darla's, only for this to happen to him right when he was about to kiss Darla.
(A doberman runs over to Alfalfa and knocks him down on the ground. Alfalfa screams while the dog viciously barks at him)
Chauffeur (Played by John Ashker): Fifi.
(Fifi, the name of the doberman, gets off of Alfalfa and runs over to the chauffeur as he opens the limo door for the dog)
Chauffeur: Good dog.
"Okay, I have some questions. One: what the hell was up with that dog? Two: why did the dog attack Alfalfa if the boy didn't do anything to him? And three: who names their dog Fifi? That is a doberman and that vicious dog should've been named 'Adolph'. Fifi sounds like a whimpy name for a dog. Hell, the only animal that is worthy of the name 'Fifi' is the skunk from Tiny Toon Adventures." Sean said.
Waldo (Played by Blake McIver Ewing): I hope Fifi didn't startle you. She's so playful.
Sean: (Narrating) And now we're introduced to the new kid in town named Waldo, played by Blake McIver Ewing, who's father bought the oil refinery and his father is an oil tycoon. Also, he sets his sight on Darla.
Waldo: (Sees Darla) Forgive my effrontery… but you, miss, are a rare rose in a garden of weeds. You have the sophistication of a woman of 12.
(Darla gasps)
(A clip from Coming to America is shown)
Hold-Up Man (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): Who the fuck is this asshole?!
Waldo: We just moved into town. My father bought the oil refinery.
Darla: That explains why you're so refined.
Alfalfa: Yeah, and so oily!
Waldo: (Glares at Alfalfa) Watch it, bud.
"Yeah, never call a rich kid oily, erection hair." Sean said as he points at the camera.
(We cut to Alfalfa and Darla having their picnic at the clubhouse while Spanky and the gang spy on them)
Sean: (Narrating) After having a run-in with Montana Max, Alfalfa and Darla have their little romantic picnic at the clubhouse, but Spanky and the club members arrive to spy on them and they pull off a couple of pranks to sabotage their romantic date.
(Alfalfa sits on a whoopie cushion as Darla gasps and while the boys laugh)
Alfalfa: Excuse me.
(We see Froggy pouring grape soda from a sneaker into a bottle before putting it back inside)
Alfalfa: Grape soda?
Darla: Yes, please.
(Alfalfa pours some grape soda into two glasses while the boys snicker quietly)
Darla: (Grabs her glass and makes a toast) To us.
(Alfalfa and Darla drink their soda)
Darla: (Makes a disgusted face) Mmm.
(Alfalfa makes a disgusted face as him and Darla spit it out of their mouths)
Alfalfa: Ugh! Ugh.
Darla: This tastes like somebody poured it from an old boot.
Froggy: Actually, it's a sneaker. (Chuckles)
(We cut to Porky scooping up some cat litter from out of a litter box and makes a sandwich)
Alfalfa: Maybe we should strap on the old feed bag.
Darla: Which sandwich did I bring?
Alfalfa: This one. Why don't we swap? What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.
Darla: You know just what to say to take a girl's breath away.
Porky: This'll take her breath away.
(Alfalfa and Darla take a bite of their sandwiches that has cat litter in them)
Stymie (Played by Kevin Jamal Woods): Porky, you sure know how to make a "sandwich".
Porky: That wasn't sand, that was kitty litter.
Buckwheat: Don't worry, it's pretty fresh. (Snickers)
"And by fresh, he's talking about the fresh cat poop that was in the litter box. That way your breath can smell like shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before the boys could ruin their romantic date some more, Alfalfa and Darla move onto dessert, which is Hostess' Sno Balls. But it has a little surprise for Darla, which is a ring that shows his undying affection for her.
"Guess he went to Kay Jewelers." Sean said.
Alfalfa: Darla, would you think me forward if I asked you for a… a big wet one?
We cut back to Sean, who does a comedic spit take after hearing what Alfalfa just said to Darla.
"What?!" Sean asked.
Darla: What?
"Darla, run away. This little bastard is a fucking little pervert! He's talking about you giving him a blow…" Sean said.
Alfalfa: A kiss?
"Oh, thank God." Sean said. "I got my eye on you PG movie."
Darla: Okay.
(Alfalfa and Darla kiss)
"And there you go. You got yourself a Kay Jewelers commercial." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(While clips featuring Alfalfa and Darla play, the song "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden plays)
Brian: (V/O as Announcer) The perfect girl need the perfect ring. So treat her. Make her feel special. Our new line of rings will make you fall in love all over again.
(Darla bites into a Sno Ball and finds a ring)
Brian: (V/O) She has to say yes.
Darla: (Wears her ring) I love diamonds.
(Alfalfa and Darla kiss as the Kay Jewelers logo pops up)
Taylor: (Sings) Every kiss begins with Kay.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Spanky and the gang decide to interrupt their little date, which causes Alfalfa to freak out and he tries to hide Darla in the closet so he won't have them see him with a girl.
Darla: Have you lost your mind?
Alfalfa: Do you wanna go in there?
Darla: Just as I thought. You are ashamed of me.
Alfalfa: I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud of you.
Kids: Open up!
Alfalfa: I just don't want anybody to see you.
Darla: Well, that does it, mister. I'm out of here!
"Well, so much for your relationship with Darla. You just had to open the closet for her to hide. Now, she's going to think that you're ashamed of her. You jackass." Sean said.
(We see Alfalfa getting out of the clubhouse with a bandage around his head, making it act like he has a toothache)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess it's time to lie to the guys and to keep them from seeing a girl inside the clubhouse.
Spanky: How's the toothache, bub?
Rascals: Yeah?
Alfalfa: Dentist pulled my wisdom teeth.
Spanky: So that explains why you're acting so stupid.
"Yeah, he's acting like that guy who faked an injury from World's Dumbest Employees." Sean said. "And yet, he got caught. Big time."
Sean: (Narrating) Alfalfa continues to keep the boys out, but Darla drives out of the clubhouse in The Blur, only for Alfalfa to see that Darla got out, then he faints. Oh, yeah. The clubhouse is on fire because he forgot to blow out the candle because he was in a rush to hide Darla. Great job, kid. Great job. So, it's time for Spanky and the rest of the boys to dress up as fire fighters and try to put the fire out while Porky and Buckwheat call the fire department.
Buckwheat: (To Porky) Quick! What's the number for 9-1-1?
Porky: How do I know?
(Buckwheat puts the phone down and shrugs his shoulders)
Buckwheat: Let's go!
(Buckwheat and Porky run as the camera pans over to the fire station across the street)
"Really? The number for 9-1-1 is 9-1-1. Plus, the fire station was right in front of you the whole time while you were waiting to use the phone. You could've just ran across the street and said to them that the clubhouse is on fire and they'll help you out. Idiots!" Sean said.
(A clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)
Krang (Voiced by Pat Fraley): Morons. I'm surrounded by morons!
Sean: (Narrating) Since Buckwheat and Porky fail miserably to call the fire department, Stymie played by Kevin Jamal Wood and Uh-Huh, played by Courtland Mead…
"Who you might recognize him as the voice of Gus Griswald from Disney's Recess and the voice of Lloyd Nebulon from Disney's Lloyd in Space. Also, I would like to point out that Waldo's portrayer Blake McIver Ewing also voiced Menlo in Recess as well and he played the voice of Eugene in Hey Arnold!. I just want to point that out." Sean said.
Miss Crabtree (Played by Daryl Hannah): Interesting.
Sean: (Narrating) Stymie hands Spanky the fire hose from the apartment building for him to put the fire out. And by the way, I love this little bit where the one kid was roasting a marshmallow by the fire. I thought that was pretty funny. Anyway, Uh-Huh turns on the fire hose, which Spanky ends up on a flying water hose. A callback to the Our Gang short The Fourth Alarm. But sadly, the clubhouse is burned down and Alfalfa's day has been shitty. Darla breaks up with him and moves onto Waldo.
"Little tramp." Sean muttered under his breath.
Sean: (Narrating) And to top it all off, Alfalfa is in trouble with the gang, so a trial is being held for him with Spanky as the judge.
Spanky: How do you plead?
Alfalfa: Like this. (Gets down on his knees) Please, oh, please, have mercy, please!
Buckwheat: Hmm! Pretty good pleading.
"Dude, that's not pleading. You're supposed to plead guilty or not guilty. If Judge Judy was the judge, she would say this to you." Sean said.
Alfalfa: Please, oh, please, have mercy, please!
Judge Judy: You know that face? That is the guiltiest face I've seen all day.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least Alfalfa makes a passionate speech like Ray Tango.
Alfalfa: Just that… I never knew likin' a girl could lead to all this.
Buckwheat: Mm-mm-mm.
Alfalfa: I let my pals down, I let the club down and I let my best friend.
"That's a very moving speech, Alfalfa. Maybe Spanky will let you off with just a warning." Sean said.
Spanky: Alfalfa Switzer, I hereby sentence you to execution… at dawn!
Buckwheat: Yes!
Uh-Huh (Played by Courtland Mead): Uh-huh!
(Petey barks)
"Jesus Christ, kid! I thought you were going to let him off with just a warning. I didn't expect for you to kill him." Sean said with a shocked look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But no, shooting him will be cruel. Unless these kids are carrying slingshots or find some military-grade weaponry to shoot him with. Stymie suggests for Alfalfa's punishment for him to be put on probation and for him to be responsible for guarding the go-cart day and night. Which is pretty fitting. Oh, and another term for his probation, he may never again talk to, see or even think about Darla or else.
"Well, damn. Can't talk to, see or think about a girl. That is some kind of punishment. Sure you don't want to shoot him? Because I have my gun ready for him." Sean said as he pulls out his gun.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to what is possibly the darkest dream sequence ever where we see that Alfalfa must choose between Darla or the boys.
Darla: You must choose between us.
Alfalfa: Uh… uh…
Stymie: Yeah, you must choose between us.
Spanky: Sir Alfalfa, haul butt!
Darla: Maybe this will help you make up your mind.
(Darla kisses Alfalfa as it starts thundering, making them all scream)
(A clip from the movie Ted plays as Ted runs into the bed and climbs into bed with John and Lori)
Ted (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Thunder buddies for life. Right, Johnny?
John (Played by Mark Wahlberg): Fuckin' right.
All: Choose or die. Choose or die.
(Alfalfa stands on the edge of the cliff, whimpering as they all start blowing, causing him to fall off the cliff. Alfalfa wakes up screaming while the Rascals are talking and laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus! That is some fucked-up shit right there. Choosing between the love of your life or hanging out with your buddies. But instead, you end up choosing death. Yeah, that is messed up, movie. Anyway, Alfalfa wakes up with his buddies keeping him company. Well, I'm glad that the club members forgive him for his foolishness. Then, we cut to Darla and her friends having a sleepover and talking about boys.
Darla: Why are boys such jerks?
(The girls giggle)
Mary-Anne (Played by Juliette Brewer): You're not thinking about Alfalfa, are you?
Darla: Oh, no, no, no, no way!
Twin #1 and Twin #2 (Played by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen): Are you sure?
"Aaaaaah! It's the Olsen twins! Abandon ship! This critic first!" Sean screamed out as he jumps out of his seat.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get this little scene where we see the boys and the girls talking about the differences between each gender, and this is one of my favorite scenes.
Darla: Girls get along with each other.
Spanky: Boys stand up for themselves.
Darla: Girls care.
Spanky: Boys take what's theirs.
Jane (Played by Heather Karasek): Boys won't listen.
"That's because you talk to damn much!" Sean exclaimed.
"What?" Cami asked, glaring at Sean. "What is it that you said about girls?"
"Hey, this scene makes a good point. Hell, Froggy even pointed it out." Sean said.
Froggy: All they wanna do is talk.
Twin #1 and Twin #2: They like to moon ya.
"Okay, that part is true." Taylor said.
"Okay, that is a goddamn lie! We never do that. That's not true!" Sean yelled out.
Buckwheat: Gigglin' and gossipin'.
"Now, tell me that you don't do that. Tell me that you never do that." Sean said.
Mary-Anne: Fighting and farting!
Porky: Barbies and bracelets.
Twin #1 and Twin #2: Boogers and bugs!
Stymie: Ice skating.
Jane: Bungie jumping.
Froggy: Synchronized swimming.
"Beer drinker!" Tayor shouted.
"All you guys care about is sex!" Cami exclaimed.
"And you guys watch porn all the time." Taylor said.
"Okay, that last part is not true." Sean said.
"Oh, really? Then, how come you and Lucas were watching a video of Abella Danger and Molly Stewart having lesbian sex on you laptop, along with your collection of lesbian porn?" Cami asked.
"You looked through my laptop?! Cami, you are so dead and I'm not afraid to kill my cousin!" Sean shouted out. "And that's what you think about men? Well, let me tell you something about women."
"Yeah, what?" Taylor and Cami both said at the same time.
"They're always late!" Sean yelled out. "Here's the thing about women: few women are dumb enough to listen the reason. And the war between men and women has been going on since Adam and Eve. You evolve from us and we protect and cherish you and we fight those wars for you and we lay our bounty at your feet."
"Oh, eat dirt!" Taylor exclaimed.
"Oh, blow me!" Sean exclaimed.
"Nice talk, cousin!" Cami exclaimed. "Like you guys do all the beheadings and pillaging for us. You do that to show off for each other."
"Uh, we do that just to be your heroes." Sean said. "That's why we chop down the forest, conquer the mountains, build cities and in general, civilize the world so we can return home and bask in your beauty..
"Okay, well he does make a good point." Taylor said.
Girls: Boys! Ugh!
Boys: Girls! Ugh!
"To women, wild and wonderful. May they be the last thing civilized by man." Sean said while holding up a mug of root beer before taking a sip.
"THE LAST THING CIVILIZED BY MEN?!" Cami yelled out.
"That is the most patronizing thing I've ever heard in my life! Sean Jonathan Archer, that is the most arrogant speech you've ever made in your life!" Taylor yelled out as she marches out of the house with Sean following her.
"Oh, yeah? Well, Taylor. The next time you talk about out sex life to you friends, why don't you just rent the scoreboard at Paul Brown Stadium so the whole city could know!" Sean shouted.
"Ugh, men." Cami said, rolling her eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see Spanky and the gang are trying to build their new clubhouse and they need to buy some lumber from a lumberyard and we get our second cameo of the movie.
(We see the lumberyard clerk, played by George Wendt)
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane Chambers (Played by Shelley Long): Norman.
Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): Hey, what's happenin' Norm?
Norm Peterson: It's a dog eat dog world, Sammy. And I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
"That's right! George Wendt from Cheers has a cameo in this movie. And we see that Norm has finally got a decent job." Sean said.
Spanky: Me and my buddies have to build a new clubhouse.
Stymie: We need to buy some lumber.
Lumberyard Clerk (Played by George Wendt): What kind?
Stymie: Wood! We took up a collection.
(Spanky puts some coins and a key ring on the desk)
Spanky: Give us all the wood you can for this much, please.
(The clerk picks up a small piece of wood)
Lumberyard Clerk: Paper or plastic?
"I don't think they can afford to buy some wood. It's a lot of money to buy wood. You kids aren't that bright." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, with the wood costing $450, Spanky and the gang need to come up with a plan to get the money, so they stop at a bank to take out a loan. So, Spanky and Stymie dress up as two Amish guys and we get our next cameo in the movie, a loan officer named Mr. Welling, played by Mel Brooks of all people.
Mr. Welling (Played by Mel Brooks): Well, what may I do for you?
Stymie: We wanna take out a hefty loan.
Mr. Welling: Of course. Do you have an account with us?
Stymie: And how!
Mr. Welling: And what is your account... (Sees Spanky and Stymie) ….number?
Spanky: Uh, seven.
Mr. Welling: Seven? Seven?
Froggy: Try eight.
Spanky: Eight?
(A clip from History of the World Part I is shown)
Comicus (Played by Mel Brooks): Jesus!
Jesus (Played by the late John Hurt): Yes?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: You said what.
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: Nothing.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, you can't fool the master of comedy when he sees through their disguises and sees that they're kids.
Mr. Welling: If you were my kids. I'd punish you!
Stymie: If we were your kids, we can punish ourselves!
"Hey! Don't talk back to Mel Brooks. He brought us The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie, History of the World Part I and Spaceballs. He will beat your ass with a belt. Or torture you with a musical number. Maybe have him singing about the Spanish Inquisition." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Alfalfa, he's busy guarding the go-kart while thinking about Darla and he wants to see her but he's forgetting that it's a violation of his probation, so he gets Buckwheat and Porky to deliver a note to her, a love note but what's he's going to say to her is not what he's writing down on the love note. So, Buckwheat and Porky deliver the message to Darla and give it to her, which she doesn't take it very lightly.
Buckwheat: "Dear Darla, I hate your stinkin' guts."
(Darla gasps)
Buckwheat: "You make me vomit."
Darla: Hmmph!
Buckwheat: "You are scum between my toes."
Darla: Oh!
Buckwheat: "Love, Alfalfa."
(Darla gasps as Porky giggles. Darla then gets mad and growls as she crushes her can of root beer)
Buckwheat and Porky: Whoa!
"Jesus Christ on a chicken sandwich! Yeah, never piss off Darla Hood. She's pretty livid about that one. But then again, Porky was blowing his nose on the love note." Sean said. "Hmm, I wonder if Taylor is still upset with me."
"Sean, she's very livid. She's upstairs putting bullets in a magazine before inserting it in your MP5. And my question is you own an MP5?" Cami asked.
"Yeah, I bought it." Sean said.
"From who, an arms dealer?" Cami asked.
"None of your business." Sean said.
"You bought it from an illegal arms dealer." Cami said, giving Sean a look.
"Let's move on, shall we?" Sean asked, ending the conversation.
Sean: (Narrating) After that attempt to deliver a love note to Darla fails, Alfalfa tries to go to talk to her at her house but she's at a ballet recital, so him and Spanky head down to her ballet recital so Alfalfa could break things off with her, but the ballet instructor named Ms. Roberts played by Lea Thompson, denies them entrance.
Ms. Roberts (Played by Lea Thompson): Who are you with?
Spanky: (Points to Alfalfa) I'm with him, and we need to talk to Darla.
Ms. Roberts: I'm afraid that's out of the question. She's about to go onstage. Now clear the door. Go on.
"Oh, come on. They're big fans of the Back to the Future trilogy. But I'm not a big fan of Howard the Duck. What the fuck was George Lucas smoking?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Buckwheat and Porky guarding the go-kart)
Sean: (Narrating) While Alfalfa and Porky play the waiting game, Buckwheat and Porky are guarding The Blur, while Butch and Woim plot to steal their prized go-kart. And to move them away from The Blur, they attach a dollar onto a duck to lure them away.
(Buckwheat and Porky wake up, only to see a duck with a dollar attached to its foot as they follow it)
Buckwheat: Hey, look! A dollar!
(The duck quacks)
"Worst. Guards. Ever!" Sean said, imitating the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Butch and Woim aren't that bright as well when they try to steal The Blur and this happens.
Butch: Hmm. (Pulls the key out of the ignition) What's this?
(A trap is set as Butch and Woim see the bowling ball going down and lands in a basket, causing some pickles to splash onto the two bullies)
Butch: Oh, no, not pickles! Oh, yuck!
"Pickles, the bullies' kryptonite." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, let's not forget about this classic scene right here.
(Buckwheat and Porky catch the dollar and they're around ducks)
Buckwheat: (Sings) We got a dollar. We got a dollar. We got a dollar. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We got a dollar. We got a dollar. We got a dollar. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
"I sing that every time I find a dollar." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Alfalfa and Spanky, they're still waiting for Darla and to curb Alfalfa's boredom, Spanky gives him a frog to play with. But then, they're spotted by Butch and Woim as the two buddies make a run for it and duck into a costume room and disguise themselves as ballerinas and Butch and Woim fall for it and they start hitting on them!
Spanky: (Falsetto) Hiya, big boys!
Butch: Woof! Woof!
Woim: Ditto!
Butch: Say, you two chicklets see a couple of ugly mugs who ran in here?
Alfalfa: (Falsetto) You mean, besides you?
(Butch and Woim start laughing)
Spanky: (Points to a door) I think they went in there.
Butch: Thanks, doll face.
Alfalfa: Bye.
"Oh, come on. Dustin Hoffman can do it better." Sean said as a picture of Dustin Hoffman from the movie Tootsie is shown.
Woim: One, two, three!
(Butch and Woim open the door right when Miss Roberts is finished getting dressed. She screams as she sees Butch and Woim)
Ms. Roberts: What are you doing? You two do not belong here. (She grabs them by the ear) I shall escort you to the door.
(Butch and Woim start screaming while Miss Roberts escorts them to the door)
Butch: Stop this! Please, you're hurting me!
"Look, if you two little perverts wanted to see Lea Thompson naked, why don't you go over to Blockbuster down the street and rent All the Right Moves? Just fast forward to the sex scene between her and Tom Cruise. Just don't look at Tom Cruise's Top Gun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Spanky and Alfalfa enter a room filled with girls and guess who happens to be in that room. Darla! And they're all dressed in identical ballet outfits!
Darla: Hi.
Spanky: Hi!
Jane: Are you a fairy?
Alfalfa: No!
Spanky: Uh-huh!
Jane: You know, a sugarplum fairy.
Alfalfa: Oh, well, yes, of course.
"Yeah, the ugliest sugarplum fairy that I've seen in my life. Well, because you girls can't tell that those two are boys dressed as girls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Spanky and Alfalfa pretend to be part of the recital and Alfalfa almost blows their cover because of the frog that Spanky gave him. Great job at hiding the frog, buddy. Then, Darla let's them know that she's nervous because Waldo's gonna be here and Jane, played by Heather Karasek, mentions that Waldo is Darla's boyfriend and that doesn't sit well with Alfalfa.
Alfalfa: But there is one boy I'd really love to get to know. His name is Alfalfa.
(Spanky gives Alfalfa a look)
Alfalfa: What a physique!
Spanky: (In a normal voice) Are you crazy?
Darla: I used to know Alfalfa. He took the best years of my life.
Spanky: (In a girly voice) Same here! That ugly scud led me on as if he cared, then dropped me like a hot tamale.
(Alfalfa glares at Spanky)
Spanky: Plus, you know what?
Darla, Mary-Anne and Jane: (Together) No, what?
Spanky: I hear he dresses in girls clothes.
(The girls gasp as Alfalfa continues to glare at Spanky)
"You're in girls clothes!" Sean exclaimed.
Darla: I don't miss him at all, except…
(Alfalfa smiles)
Darla: ...his voice. When he sings, he makes me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July.
(Spanky makes a disgusted face)
"I know, Spanky. We've all heard Alfalfa singing." Sean said.
(We cut to a clip from the Our Gang short titled "The Singing Lesson", where Alfalfa sings "Goodbye" very badly)
"I think my ears are bleeding from this kid's singing." Sean said as he checks his ear, only to see blood on his hand. "Yep, my ears are bleeding. That's definitely my blood."
Sean: (Narrating) But just as Alfalfa and Spanky are getting ready to leave, ballet mistress Lorraine McFly ushers them all out on stage and the fun begins.
Ms. Roberts: And now scenes from The Nutcracker.
(Spanky and Alfalfa gasp and cover their privates)
"Well, that was appropriate for a PG movie." Sean said. "But then again, what can you expect from the same director who directed Hollywood Vice Squad and Dudes."
(The recital begins as Alfalfa and Spanky pretend to be part of the recital. Alfalfa hands Spanky the frog but Spanky sticks the frog in the waistband of Alfalfa's tights)
Spanky: Get rid of it.
(Alfalfa starts moving in discomfort from the slimy frog around in his tights, turning the recital into chaos as the audience starts laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) Wow, nobody expected The Nutcracker to be hilarious and boy, the ballet mistress is pissed off that they're ruining the recital.
(The girls and the audience continue to laugh at the performance)
Brian: (as an audience member) Best ballet recital ever.
Sean: (Narrating) After ruining the recital, Miss Roberts goes to confront the boys that ruined the recital and throws them out. But there is a little problem regarding the two bullies who are outside and waiting to kick their asses. So Spanky, who's still dressed in drag, manages to distract them while Alfalfa flees in his underwear.
Spanky: (In a girly voice) Your loss, baby. (Sings) Doo dee-doo dee-doo. Doo dee-doo dee-doo.
Butch: Got a burger to go with that shake?
Spanky: (Continues to sing) Doo dee-doo… (Spanky gasps after he loses his wig on a tree branch. Then, he turns around and sees Butch and Woim and starts screaming)
(Butch gasps in shock)
Woim: That's him!
(Spanky makes a run for it)
Sean: (V/O as Butch) Ugh! I can't believe that I was hitting on a boy who was dressed as a girl. I'm so gonna kick your ass for that one!
Brian: (V/O as Woim) You? I almost got a boner from him!
Sean: (V/O) What?!
Brian: (V/O) Nothing. Let's kick his ass!
Sean: (Narrating) Spanky manages to lose them, but Alfalfa ends up bumping into them.
Alfalfa: Things couldn't possibly get any worse.
(Alfalfa bumps into Butch and Woim)
Alfalfa: Oh! Then the clouds open up and God said "I hate you, Alfalfa.".
"That's because God wants you dead, Alfalfa. He doesn't like you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The chase continues as Alfalfa runs into a mansion, losing Butch and Woim until the two of them are kicked out by the maid. And God definitely wants him dead as the same Doberman from before chases Alfalfa.
(Alfalfa jumps into a pool and swims to the other side. As he gets out, he notices that his underwear are floating in the pool before retrieving them)
Darla: Alfalfa!
(Waldo chuckles as Alfalfa turns around and notices him and Darla sitting in a hot tub)
Darla: This is a side of you I've never seen before.
"Okay, this movie is going to PG-13 territory. This is a kid's movie. Why is a little girl talking about seeing another boy naked? It's inappropriate! You should be ashamed of yourself, movie!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) And what a surprise, Alfalfa finds Darla and Waldo together and they're laughing at him or laughing at the size of Little Alfalfa. Okay, enough of this. Let's cut to Porky and Buckwheat, who are both seen sitting in The Blur and eating pickles.
Buckwheat: (Takes a bite out of his pickle) I love pickles.
Porky: My mother makes me eat 'em.
Buckwheat: I'm crazy about 'em.
Porky: I'll sell you my pickle for a nickel.
Buckwheat: How about two cents?
Porky: Otay.
Buckwheat: (Takes Porky's pickle and starts singing) I have two pickles. I have two pickles. I have two pickles today. Hey-hey. A-doo-dah-ding. Way-da-mo-wang-bing. Because I get two pickles today, today.
"Fun fact: during the 20th anniversary photoshoot for the movie, Buckwheat's portrayer Ross Bagley revealed that he improvised the famous "We Got a Dollar" number. Hmm, makes me wonder if he improvised that memorable little number." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the boys arrive at the carnival talent show the day before the go-kart race as they try to come up with a plan to come up with a plan to raise $450 dollars to build their clubhouse, by making a show. But that doesn't go well. Back with Alfalfa, he's busy guarding the go-kart while writing lines. Petey then gives Alfalfa a piece of paper, only to find out that it's the gangs list of pranks that they used to sabotage Alfalfa's picnic lunch with Darla.
Alfalfa: (After discovering the gang's "Prank List") Skunked by that sleazy sidewinder Spanky! It's his fault Darla hates me!
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Peter Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): That son of a bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Alfalfa heads down to the carnival with Petey to confront Spanky and deal with him. Speaking of Spanky, him and the boys find out about Buckwheat and Porky's plan to come up with the money, by charging everyone $3.00 to see the talent show, which is supposed to be free. And somehow, that makes them geniuses. And plus, that method is not exactly honest and somebody could get in trouble for that.
Miss Crabtree: Spanky McFarland!
Spanky: (Gasps) Miss Crabtree!
Miss Crabtree: I would expect this from a four-year-old, but not from you!
"Only for them to get caught by their school teacher Miss Crabtree. Plus, Miss Crabtree is smoking hot. They made the right choice in casting Daryl Hannah as Miss Crabtree. You might think that Miss Crabtree is going to be an old lady, but she's extremely attractive. Who am I kidding? Miss Crabtree was played by Valerie Azlynn in The Little Rascals Save the Day and she was smoking hot as well. It's like making Ms. Grundy hot in Riverdale. It's like making Norman Bates' mom hot in Psycho IV: The Beginning. Okay, those are both bad examples but you get my point." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Miss Crabtree, played by Daryl Hannah, confronts Spanky after finding out about the scheme, but the spokeskid for Welch's grape juice gives her a better idea. He convinces her to donate the money to be given as first prize in the go-kart derby. Meanwhile, Alfalfa arrives at the carnival, only to find Waldo and Darla performing in the talent show.
(Waldo sings the song "Love" in the talent show)
Waldo: (Singing) And love is all that I can give to you. Love is more than just a game for two. Two in love can make it.
Darla: (Sings) Take my heart but please don't break it.
Waldo: (Sings) Love was made for me and you.
Alfalfa: Dang.
"Hey, you gotta admit that Blake McIver Ewing has an excellent singing voice. You should listen to him singing in Hey Arnold!." Sean said.
(A clip from Hey Arnold! The Movie is shown)
Eugene Horowitz (Voiced by Blake McIver Ewing): (Singing) This is our neighborhood! How can they tear it down!? How can they turn our smile into a frown? We may be just a few, but it's me and you and you-
Arnold (Voiced by Spencer Klein): (Turns off the stereo) No. No singing, Eugene.
Sean: (Narrating) But because of Alfalfa being focused on trying to win back Darla, his carelessness has led to Butch and Woim playing Grand Theft Auto: Kid's Version on his ass by stealing The Blur.
(Butch and Woim get in The Blur)
Butch: The Blur belongs to Butch.
Woim: And Woim.
(Butch and Woim drive off in The Blur)
(A clip from The Ren & Stimpy Show is shown)
Ren (Voiced by John Kricfalusi): (Slaps Stimpy) You stupid idiot!
Sean: (Narrating) While Alfalfa is getting ready to perform on-stage, he talks with Mini Trump for a bit while warming up his vocalizer so he can win Darla back through song because she loves his bad singing.
(While Alfalfa is singing "The Barber of Seville", Waldo sabotages his attempt to win back Darla by pouring liquid soap into his drinking water)
"What the? Are kidding me?! Is that kid nuts? Do you know what will happen if Alfalfa drinks the water that you poured dish soap into? You're going to end up poisoning him, you little fucker." Sean said.
(Waldo is shown, this time his eyes are glowing red while "Ave Satani" starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for Alfalfa to win back Darla and the Rascals and Darla are not too happy to see Alfalfa as he declares his love for Darla.
Alfalfa: I once fell in love with a girl and through schemes and betrayals by my best friend she came to think I was nothin' more than a He-Man Woman-Hater. But I'm a woman-lover!
Spanky: Uhh!
"That's easy for him to say. Bug Hall starred in American Pie Presents: The Book of Love." Sean said.
Alfalfa: (Raises his glass) So let me raise a toast to the girl I love most in the whole world.
Darla: Please don't say my name. Please don't say my name.
Alfalfa: Darla.
Darla: Ohh.
"Okay, kid. You declared your love for her. Now whatever you do, don't drink…." Sean said.
(Alfalfa drinks the water that has dishwashing liquid in it and makes a face)
"And now you're dead. I hope that you're happy." Sean said.
(Right after Alfalfa drinks the water, the game over screen from Metal Gear Solid is shown while the music plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Revolver Ocelot) YOU IDIOT!
Sean: (Narrating) And time for Alfalfa to butcher another song with his bad singing voice.
(Alfalfa sings "The Air That I Breathe" offkey, then a bubble starts flying out of his mouth while Spanky and Darla both gasp. Alfalfa continues to sing while he continues to burp out bubbles)
Spanky: I'm gonna put that fool out of his misery!
"Well, if the dish soap won't kill him, then you will." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Spanky has a plan to shut Alfalfa up by hooking up his suspenders to the moon. This of course, embarrasses Darla as she wants to have nothing to do with Alfalfa and now it's time for Alfalfa to confront Spanky.
Spanky: That was the most disgusting display of she-man woman loving I've ever seen!
Alfalfa: Don't talk to me, you Benedict Arnold! You… You Judas Priest! This is all your fault!
Spanky: All my fault?
Froggy: You torched the clubhouse.
Spanky: And it's all my fault?
"Well, you were the one that was pulling the pranks on him and ruined his relationship with Darla. Plus, your stupid clubhouse deserved to be torched." Sean said.
Spanky: Say, you're supposed to be guarding the go-cart, you Muzak-warbling wimp!
Alfalfa: Relax, you double-crossing mud-muncher! I parked it right over there!
(Alfalfa leads Spanky and the rest of the Rascals to where he parked the go-kart, only to find it missing. Then, the screen goes to black and white and freezes)
Sean: (V/O as Morgan Freeman) And it was at that very moment that Alfalfa Switzer knew he fucked up.
Spanky: Well, where is it?
Stymie: Boy, you're messin' up left and right!
Spanky: That's it, you sissified tweety-bird! I wish I had a club to throw you out of!
Alfalfa: Well, you sewage-swigging slimeball!
(Spanky gasps)
"Whoa! Hey, now! A few more and you'll definitely up this movie to a PG-13 rating. You just called Spanky a shit-eater." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, Spanky and Alfalfa are having a falling-out and now it's up to Stymie to play as peacemaker to get these two buddies to get along with each other.
Stymie: Why don't you go make up with him, Alfalfa? You guys have been friends since you were one.
Alfalfa: He started it!
Stymie: And you should finish it. You're a team, like Bert and Ernie, Superman and Clark Kent, Milli and Vanilli.
"Those two hacks?! You know they were known for lip-synching one of their songs. Why would you bring those two up?" Sean asked.
Stymie: At least go talk to him. What could it cost?
Spanky: You mean, besides my dignity and pride?
"Besides you starring in Slappy and the Stinkers. That will cost you your dignity and pride." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Stymie plays peacemaker, Alfalfa and Spanky go see each other and to make up.
Alfalfa: I'm sorry I called you a double-crossing mud-muncher and a sewage-swigging slimeball.
Spanky: I'm sorry I called you a sissified tweety-bird and a Muzak-warbling wimp.
Alfalfa: I'm sorry I called you a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
Spanky: You didn't call me a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
Alfalfa: Oh. I guess I was just thinking it.
"Okay, where was that part where he called Spanky a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk? Was it before he was going to see Spanky? We need to see that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spanky and Alfalfa apologize to each other about the fire and messing up the picnic lunch with Darla. With Spanky and Alfalfa becoming friends again, the two of them and the Rascals work together to create a new go-kart for the derby. And you know what that means?
"We're gonna need a montage." Sean said.
(We get a montage of the boys building the new go-kart while the remixed version of the save room theme from Resident Evil Zero by Mono Memory starts playing. We see the new go-kart, named "The Blur 2: The Sequel" finished)
Spanky: Ta-dum! (Hands Alfalfa the keys) Do us proud, buddy!
Alfalfa: You betcha!
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the day of race, where we see that it's hosted by another cameo, Reba McEntire. Oh, yeah. Remember The Blur? You know, the go-kart that was stolen by Butch and Woim? Well, they gave it a new paint job and gave it a new name, "The Beast II". Meanwhile, we see Waldo and Darla arriving to the race and he calls up his father, played by…
(We see Donald Trump playing Waldo's father)
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell?!
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Sean yelled out while he dons a soldier's helmet and brings out his MP5 machine gun, aiming it at the camera. "I know what you're going to say President Trump. Don't act like that I don't know what you're going to say. I reviewed the last movie that you had a cameo in and you said something crude and offensive like grabbing them by the pussy. Well, go ahead, bitch! I dare you to say something stupid!"
Waldo: You're gonna be so proud of me. I'm gonna win this race.
Waldo's Dad (Played by Donald Trump): Waldo, you're the best son money can buy.
Waldo: Thanks, Dad.
"Good. At least you didn't say anything stupid like…" Sean said as he puts his gun down.
Waldo's Dad: (His dialogue is replaced with Trump's thought on the movie Citizen Kane) Get yourself a different woman.
"You son of a bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Waldo joining the race, Alfalfa pulls out the handkerchief and ties it onto the trophy. Oh and we got another cameo.
Buckwheat: Hey, look! My mom's here!
Porky: Whoopee.
(We see Buckwheat's mom, who's played by Whoopi Goldberg, and she gives her son the hi-sign)
"Get it? Porky said "Whoopee" and her name is Whoopi." Sean chuckled a bit.
There was nothing but silence in the room and the sound of a cricket chirping as Sean's smile turned into a frown.
"Here's Reba announcing the prize for whoever wins the race." Sean said.
Announcer (Played by Reba McEntire): The first race to cross the finish line will receive this genuine, gold-plated, cubic zirconium-encrusted trophy!/As well as the prize of five hundred dollars!
(The audience cheers and applauds)
"Boy, imagine what you could do with $500." Sean said.
"I know what you could do with $500. Get Taylor a real expensive gift as your way of apologizing to her for being a complete jackass." Cami said.
"Oh yeah, you're right. It was that or call up pornstar Abigail Mac for a threesome with her and Taylor." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.
"Ugh, men." Cami said, rolling her eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, now play the William Tell Overture and let's get this race started.
(The William Tell Overture starts playing as the race begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So the race begins as we see the go-kart racers off and already Butch and Woim use every dirty tactic to knock the other racers out of the race by shooting silly string at them.
(Woim starts spraying some silly string at the other racers, making them drive uncontrollably)
"Oh, come on. I'm sure you guys got some water balloons to throw at the other racers to get them out of the race, you dirty sneaks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Spanky, Alfalfa, Butch, Woim, Waldo and Darla take a wrong turn, which leads them to a grocery store and Spanky and Alfalfa almost running over some of the pedestrians in the process.
Spanky: Get out of the way!
(They hit a pedestrian, sending them flying)
Alfalfa: Comin' through!
(They hit two more pedestrians, sending them flying up in the air as well)
Spanky: Excuse us! Move!
(They hit an elderly man, sending him flying until he lands on the ground)
Elderly Man: You little rascals!
Spanky: Sorry! 10 points for the old guy!
"And that's 20 points for attempted murder on civillians. Great job, Mini Dillinger and Mini Capone." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But I have one quick question: How can a soapbox derby car throw a fully grown adult up in the air? It just doesn't make any sense. With the three of them neck and neck and neck, I'm sure one of them must have some kind of gizmo that can make them go fast.
Waldo: Its time to lose these losers. Atomic batteries to power. (He turns on the turbines) Turbines to speed. (Waldo presses a button that makes his go-kart go fast)
"What the fu... I mean, how the hell can he afford to put turbines in his go-kart? He has a go-kart with a built-in jet engine! Only Batman has the money to have a vehicle with a built-in jet engine." Sean said.
Spanky: They're gettin' away!
Alfalfa: Hold on to your beanie!
(Alfalfa stops the go-kart as Spanky turns the knob to spin. This causes the go-kart to spin around and around while the song "Round and Round" by Ratt starts playing in the background for a bit. The go- kart stops spinning as Alfalfa starts driving, which makes them go faster)
"Their go-kart is making them spin around, stop and the somehow transfer all that momentum to go immediately forward." Sean said.
(A clip from Captain America: Civil War is shown)
Spider-Man (Played by Tom Holland): That thing does not obey the laws of physics at all!
"Well, it ain't Mario Kart." Brian said.
"You know, now that you mention Mario Kart. They should've done this whole scene like this." Sean said.
(Music from Mario Kart plays as we see the racers at the starting line. As the race starts, the Rainbow Road theme starts playing. The whole scene continues to play throughout a la Mario Kart and sound effects from Mario Kart start playing)
"There. Much better." Sean said.
(Spanky and Alfalfa catch up with Waldo and Darla as Waldo notices)
Waldo: These two again? I really hate to do this.
(Waldo pushes a button, which springs out spikes from the side of his go-kart)
Alfalfa: Huh? (Sees the spikes) Yikes! Spikes!
(Waldo starts hitting their go-kart's wheel with the spike to take them out of the race)
"Jesus Christ, kid! Are you trying to kill somebody?! I see where he gets this from his father. He's known to take people out of the race." Sean said, referencing Trump's election.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing Waldo's true colors, Darla is not too happy with her new boytoy and finding out that he was responsible for the bubbles at the talent show.
Darla: So, you 're responsible for the bubbles at the talent show! Pull over right now! I'm not finishing this race with you.
(Waldo pulls over to the side)
Waldo: You got it, babe. Now get out.
"And he hates women just like his father. Like father, like son." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Alfalfa and Spanky are back in the race after Waldo tries to kill them but Butch and Woim decide to cheat some more by throwing a flare at their go-kart, making them drive uncontrollably from the smoke, until an unlikely hero saves them.
(We see "Waldo" using the fire extinguisher to put out the flare)
Alfalfa: What a guy!
Spanky: Thanks, pal!
("Waldo" waves at them and doesn't say anything)
"Oh, I'm sure that person is not Waldo. Wait, where's Waldo?" Sean asked.
(The handkerchief flies off of the trophy and hits Alfalfa in the face)
Alfalfa: Aah! Aah! Aaah! Grab the wheel!
Spanky: Are you crazy or something? We got a finish line to cross!
Alfalfa: Not without this!
Spanky: You're nuts!
(Alfalfa climbs up on the go-kart while Spanky takes the wheel. He throws the flare away and ties the handkerchief back on while holding onto dear life)
"Holy shit! They're close to the finish line. Come on, go!" Sean yelled out.
(We see that they're close to the finish line, with "Waldo", Butch and Woim trying to make it to the finish line before we cut to Sean watching in anticipation)
Spanky: Hold on! We're almost there!
(As they make it to the finish line, "The Blur 2" crosses the finish line. We see a photo-finish between "The Beast II" and "The Blur 2" with "The Blur 2" winning by a hair, literally, due to Alfalfa's pointy hairstyle)
Buckwheat's Mom (Played by Whoopi Goldberg): Winner by a hair! Yes!
"Yes! They won! They won! I don't know if that counts but screw it. THEY WON!" Sean shouted out.
Sean: (Narrating) The gang cheers for Alfalfa on winning the race but Butch and Woim are pissed off about him winning the trophy and the prize money.
Butch: It ain't right! We go through all the trouble of stealing your racer and you still win! Better brace yourself, because now I'm really gonna kick your butt!
"Okay, this kid is being a sore loser. Alfalfa, punch that little bastard in the face, please." Sean said.
(Alfalfa punches Butch in the face, knocking him into a pool of pig slop while the gang laughs)
(A clip from Next Friday is shown)
Willie Jones (Played by the late John Witherspoon): Hey, young man! You got knocked the fuck out!
"So, who's next? What about the ginger kid?" Sean asked.
Woim: (Whimpering) Allow me!
(Woim jumps into the slop willingly after getting scared by Alfalfa)
Stymie: Looking good, man.
Sean: (Narrating) Spanky talks to "Waldo" about making him a member of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, but it turns out that an angry Waldo is in his limo driving away. So, was the guy that saved their butts?
(The person takes off the helmet. It's revealed to be Darla)
Darla: Hi, guys. What's up?
Spanky: A girl! Ohh!
(Spanky faints as Alfalfa catches him)
"That's exactly the same reaction that I had playing Metroid when I found out that Samus Aran is a woman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Reba here gives the trophy and the prize money to Alfalfa and Spanky, but Spanky is disappointed that his favorite driver A.J. Ferguson didn't show up. Well, he's in for a surprise.
A.J. Ferguson: Well, boys, today's your lucky day. (Takes off her jacket to reveal her racing uniform) 'Cause that's exactly who I am!
(Alfalfa and the other Rascals gasp in surprise)
Spanky: You're the best driver there is!
A.J. Ferguson: Well, thank you very much! You didn't do so bad yourself! (Gives Spanky a kiss on a cheek)
Spanky: Say, let's even things up. How 'bout one on this side?
(Ferguson and the audience laugh, then she gives Spanky a kiss on the other side of his face)
A.J. Ferguson: There ya go!
"Well, this is Spanky's best day. Not only that he won the money to rebuild the new clubhouse, he met his favorite race car driver and got a kiss from her. Lucky kid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Alfalfa and Spanky win the race, Spanky confesses to Darla that him and the boys ruined her picnic with Alfalfa because he thought she was trying to steal his best friend and sabotage their club, Alfalfa wins back Darla, the clubhouse is rebuilt and the boys welcome Darla and the girls into the club.
Stymie: So, do you live around here?
Stymie's Girlfriend (Played by Raven-Symone): Yeah.
"What the? Stymie is dating a young Raven Baxter. This was before she had the psychic visions." Sean said.
Spanky: Say! Have we betrayed our forefathers? Have we trampled on the generations of honest woman-haters who came before us?
Uh-Huh: Uh-uh.
Petey: Huh?
(Everyone gasp)
"What the hell?" Sean asked, making a look.
Spanky: Hey, everybody! Uh-Huh's learned a new word!
(All gasping)
Uh-Huh: Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.
"Gus Griswold, ladies and gentlemen. What? You couldn't just talk like a normal person rather than just saying "uh-huh"? Yet, you decide to talk like a normal person right when the movie is about to end? Where the hell is Steven Weber from The Shining miniseries to kill you?" Sean said.
All: Ohhh-tay!
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's end the movie with a blooper reel and roll the credits.
"And that was The Little Rascals. And it still holds up pretty well." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? It captures the innocence and humor of the classic Our Gang shorts, it has some great callbacks to some of the classic shorts as well. The movie does tend to have some questionable moments as well. This movie is very important to me because I grew up watching it and this is a movie that I would show to my kids. It has great slapstick humor, the child actors are loveable and the lines are memorable. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out now. The Little Rascals comes in at 4 hi-signs out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and next time on The Mayhem Critic, I will be taking a look at a movie based on a board game. And you know what, it's not just a game anymore." Sean said before leaving the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Ohhh-tay!
And that's all for the review of The Little Rascals. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it and me talking about it. I'd figure, I might review something that's really special to my childhood. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever joins Sean the Mayhem Critic in reviewing the 1985 mystery-comedy Clue. A movie based on the board game of the same name. They're going to take a look at the movie to see if this is the best film adaptation based on a game. Then after the Clue review, Sean will be taking a look at the 1990 comedy The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, starring Andrew "Dice" Clay. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to request a nostalgic movie or television show for me to review, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.