The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

91. Episode 87: Clue

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. If you're a big fan of movies, if you're a big fan of board games, then you're in for a treat. Today, I will be talking about the 1985 mystery-comedy Clue. But, I'm not going to be reviewing this movie alone. Today, fellow writer UltimateWarriorFan4Ever will be joining me for this review to see if this is the best movie adaptation ever. So sit back, relax, pop some popcorn and grab yourself a cold one because this is one mystery to solve. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Clue is owned by Paramount Pictures, Polygram Pictures and Debra Hill Productions.

Episode Eighty-Seven

Clue

We see Sean sitting on the couch wearing a suit and a tie, dressed as a detective, while polishing his AMT Hardballer pistol before taking a sip of his coffee with french vanilla coffee creamer in it and starting his introduction.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Okay, let's talk about board games."

(We see commercials of different board games like Candyland, Mouse Trap, Trouble, Monopoly, Life and Hungry, Hungry Hippos are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. We all love playing board games with our friends and family, right? Some can be fun while others…

(A photo of the board game Trump the Game is shown)

Sean: (Narrating) Uh… yeah. Some that you just want to throw in the fire. I still cannot believe that my mom owned the board game and it's still sitting in the box! But when Hollywood makes a movie based on a board game…

(Scenes from the movie Battleship are shown)

"Yeah. You get my drift. Movies based on board games tend to fucking suck. Take a look at Battleship. Good thing I stayed away from that movie. But before the disaster that was Battleship, I want to talk about a really good movie based on a board game. Let's jump back to 1985, shall we?" Sean said.

"Yes, we shall, my dear friend." said Lucas as he popped up to the right side of the couch, therefore surprising Sean.

Lucas was shown wearing an all purple tuxedo with a monocle to the left side of his eye, while also drinking what seemed to be a small glass of cinnamon rum.

"Well, you look dressed for the occasion." Sean nodded to Lucas.

"Yeah, well… I kicked someone's ass for this suit." Lucas smirked in unison, all before facing the camera, "But enough about that, Sean. We got a mystery in our hands, and we're gonna solve it… Mayhem Critic style!"

(Clips of the 1985 movie Clue began to play out while the song "Shake, Rattle and Roll" began to play in the background.)

Sean: (Narrating) Yes, 1985 not also gave us WrestleMania, Thundercats and the Golden Girls, but this little gem we're reviewing right now in the form of Clue. It was released in theaters on December 7, 1985 and developed by Paramount Pictures. The film was directed by Jonathan Lynn and produced by John Landis, best known for directing such funny classics such as The Blues Brothers, Animal House, Coming To America, you know, all that crap. For those who don't know the history of Clue, boy have you been missing out. The board game was developed by our good friends down at Parker Brothers, where players must do their best to solve a mystery inside a mansion where a murder has been committed. And it all asked us one simple question…

"Who killed Mr. Boddy?" Both Sean and Lucas said suspensefully to the camera via a close-up.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, the success of this board game would then soon be adapted to everywhere such as books, a mini-series on The Hub which is now known as Discovery Family, a musical and even a video game on the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, which wasn't quite bad since it plays like the board game itself. And it wouldn't be long before it would turn into an all-out feature flick. Yes, the film definitely got mixed reviews and did horrible at the box office, but in the years that have passed, it has transitioned into a cult following thanks to the fans of the franchise itself.

Sean: (Narrating) The film features an all-star cast of talent and comedic actors like Tim Curry, Eileen Brennan, Christopher Lloyd, Madeline Kahn, Michael McKean, Lesley Anne Warren and Martin Mull.

"Hey, you got a cast of zany characters. How bad could it be?" Sean asked.

"Just to let you all know that if you saw this move back in theaters in 1985, the theatrical release included three possible endings, with different theaters receiving one of the three endings just to keep with the nature of the board game. And since my good buddy Sean has the DVD, we're going to show all three of the endings." Lucas said while holding up the DVD case of the movie.

"That's right. On the DVD, you get to choose between one possible ending which is picked at random or watch all three endings. So, without further ado. We've got a mystery to solve. Let's take a look at Clue." Sean said.

(The movie begins)

Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins on a dark and stormy night, where we see the butler named Wadsworth, played by Tim Curry, arriving at Hill House.

(Two barking guard dogs approach Wadsworth, then jump. Wadsworth quickly pulls out a big beef bone out of the bag then hurls it to them)

"And he knows how to keep dogs under control by hurling a big beef bone from The Flintstones for them to chew on." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) The movie let's us know that it's New England in the year 1954. As Wadsworth enters the mansion and checking to see if he stepped in some dog shit, we're introduced to the maid Yvette, played by Colleen Camp.

"And we can give you two reasons why we love this movie." Lucas said.

(Cut to a close-up of Yvette's top half, with Lucas referring to her breasts)

"One on the left, and one on the right." Sean said, with a smirk on his face.

Wadsworth (Played by Tim Curry): Is everything ready?

Yvette (Played by Colleen Camp): (Replies in a French accent) Oui, monsieur.

Wadsworth: You have your instructions?

(Yvette nods as Wadsworth exits the library)

"Man, I wish she could be my maid. But then, I have fantasies of having a threesome with Taylor and pornstar Katie Morgan with both of them in sexy maid uniforms. And yes, it's a good thing that Katie Morgan is busty." Sean said.

"My fantasies involve Kendra Lust in a maid's uniform. The things I would do to her." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating): And then our favorite little butler checks on the kitchen where all of a sudden…

Wadsworth: Is everything all right, Mrs. Ho?

(Mrs. Ho then draws a kitchen knife towards his chin.)

Mrs. Ho (played by Kellye Nakahara): Dinner will be ready at 7:30.

"Yikes, the workers inside the mansion must be murderous, I assume." Sean said, sipping on his coffee, "Imagine if I came home and approached Taylor while she's cooking me dinner."

(We then cut to a scene where Sean comes here and sees Taylor cooking him dinner in the kitchen. He then smells the food himself before replying with a big delicious sigh.)

"I'm home, honey. Is dinner ready yet?" Sean asked Taylor as he approached him.

But when he got closer though, he stopped to see Taylor drawing a kitchen knife out of the cupboard and pointed it at his chin.

"Dinner will be ready at 6:00." Taylor said in a threatening tone.

"Man, don't be pointin' that knife at me!" Sean replied, talking back to him, "All I was asking if dinner was ready or not! Geez!"

(The scene then cuts back to both Sean and Lucas, who were busy shuddering at that image.)

"Yeah, you should never let her cook again." Lucas said to Sean.

Lucas: (Narrating) It isn't long before we are introduced to our first guest, Colonel Mustard, played by Martin Mull, as if he's about to shit himself just by looking at those gruesome guard dogs.

Wadsworth: Good evening.

Colonel Mustard (played by Martin Mull): Good evening. I don't know if…

Wadsworth: Yes, indeed sir, you are expected, Colonel. May I take your coat? It is Colonel Mustard isn't it?

"Duh, you oughtta know that by the way he's dressed." Sean said, rolled his eyes.

"I also did forget to mention the fact that the guests that arrive in that mansion also have aliases as well, and therefore not allowed to give out their real names" Lucas replied, "You know, just like in Reservoir Dogs where Steve Buscemi is Mr. Pink."

(A scene from Reservoir Dogs plays showing Steve Buscemi as Mr. Pink.)

Mr. Pink (played by Steve Buscemi): Why am I Mr. Pink?

"Shut up, we're not talking about you, we're talking about Clue!" Sean said to the camera as if he was talking to Mr. Pink.

Lucas: (Narrator) So while Wadsworth locks Colonel Mustard in the library for heaven-knows-what, we then get introduced by another guest. This time, in the form of Mrs. White, played by Madeline Kahn.

Wadsworth: Do come in, madam. You are expected.

Mrs. White (played by Madeline Kahn): Do you know who I am?

Wadsworth: Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.

"Uh, Wadsworth, she's dressed in black." Lucas replied, "Shouldn't you just call her Mrs. Black if that was the case?"

(Wadsworth opens the library door, nearly coming this close smacking Colonel Mustard in the face. He then introduces Mrs. White to Yvette.)

Wadsworth: Ah, may I introduce you? Mrs. White, this is Yvette, the maid. I see you know each other.

"Trust me, you're probably gonna know the reason why later on in the movie." Lucas nodded to the camera.

Sean: (Narrating) So while the guests arrive, we get a good shot at a mysterious woman and her car being broken down in the open road. It wouldn't be for long until a mysterious stranger comes in and gives her a ride. Well, turns out that mysterious woman and stranger turns out to be Miss Scarlet and Professor Plum, played by both Lesley Ann Warren and Mr. Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd.

Miss Scarlet (played by Lesley Anne Warren): Thanks. I'm late for a dinner date.

Professor Plum (played by Christopher Lloyd): Me too. Where are you going?

(Miss Scarlet then pulls out a little white sheet of paper.)

Miss Scarlet: Hill House, off Route 41.

Professor Plum: Wait a minute, let me look at that.

(Plum then takes the letter and reads it.)

Professor Plum: That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this.

"Apparently, their Smash Bros. invitation got lost in the mail, so they had to stick with a dinner party instead." Lucas shook his head.

Sean: (Narrating) Back at the mansion, we are then introduced to Mrs. Peacock, played by Eileen Brennan, who is somehow getting a look at Yvette's hot cleavage for some reason.

(Mrs. Peacock is speechless and looks appalled while the bell is ringing at the same time.)

"And somehow, I can't tell if she's either deaf or having strange lesbian thoughts." Lucas chuckled while shrugging his shoulders.

Lucas: (Narrating) That doesn't last long though as our next guest arrives, which happens to be the klutz of the movie, Mr. Green, played by Michael McKean.

Wadsworth: Oh, you must be Mr. Green.

Mr. Green (played by Michael McKean): Yes…

Wadsworth: (To dogs) Sit!

(Mr. Green frantically sits down on a bench by the door)

Wadsworth: No. Not you, sir.

"Are you sure you're not telling him to sit? Because he did automatically sit down." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet arrive at the mansion, where they're greeted by the most cliched shot in movies ever.

(Lightning crashes, illuminating Hill House)

Miss Scarlet: Why is the car stopped?

Professor Plum: It's frightened.

"It's not that the car is frightened, it's the fact that you're being a pussy about going up there." Lucas said.

(Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet are right in front of the door)

Professor Plum: What a godforsaken place!

(He squeezes Miss Scarlet's behind, she tries to brush his hand off)

"Hey, now! Looks like somebody wants a piece of Miss Scarlet's juicy booty." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.

(We cut back Professor Plum squeezing Miss Scarlet's behind)

Sean: (V/O as Doc Brown) Great Scott!

Lucas: (Narrating) With Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet joining the guest, it's time for dinner and for our guests to be better acquainted with each other and taking their place at the table.

Colonel Mustard: (Indicating the head of the table) Is this place for you?

Wadsworth: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.

Colonel Mustard: And what exactly do you do?

Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.

Colonel Mustard: Which means what?

"It means he likes butts, Mustard!" Sean rolled his eyes, "What in the hell do you think he does?"

Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why… ours is but to do and die."

Professor Plum: "Die"?

Wadsworth: (Smiling) Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Colonel Mustard: (Now seated next to Miss Scarlet) Hm. I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (To Scarlet) You like Kipling, Scarlet?

Miss Scarlet: Sure, I'll eat anything.

"I bet she does." Lucas said with a naughty smirk on his face.

"Hell, I'd eat her out myself." Sean winked naughtily as well.

Sean: (Narrating) Since everyone is at the table and enjoying their meal before their last guest arrives, it's time for them to get to know each other and what they do.

Mrs. White: (To Mrs. Peacock) You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a… oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.

Colonel Mustard: Don't you.

Mr. Green: I know who you are.

Miss Scarlet: Aren't you going to tell us?

Mrs. Peacock: (Removes her glasses) How do you know who I am?

Mr. Green: I work in Washington too.

Professor Plum: Oh, so you're a politician's wife.

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, I-I am.

Colonel Mustard: Well, come on, then. Who's your husband?

"For the love of God, don't let it be Donald Trump. Hell, can you imagine Mrs. Peacock being married to Donald Trump. No! No, I don't want to think about it." Sean said.

Mrs. Peacock: (To Mrs. White) So, what does your husband do?

Mrs. White: (Almost cutting her off) Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock: Nothing?

Mrs. White: Well, he… just… lies around on his back all day.

Miss Scarlet: Sound like hard work to me.

(Yvette, who's in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly. The noise coincides with a crash of thunder as Mr. Green gets jumpy and spills his drink on Miss Scarlet)

Mr. Green: I'm… sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.

(Mr. Green starts to wipe off Miss Scarlet's upper chest)

Miss Scarlet: Ah- watch it.

(Mr. Green stops)

"Oh, come on. Give the man a chance to feel up on your nice rack. I know I would." Lucas said.

"Hey, I would love to feel up on Yvette's rack right about now." Sean smirked.

Lucas: (Narrating) So while Miss Peacock is busy eating what seems to look like a big-ass glob of shaving cream, another boring conversation starts.

Mrs Peacock: * to Wadsworth* This is one of my favorite recipes.

Wadsworth: *to Mrs. Peacock* I know, Madam.

Mrs. Peacock: So, what do you do in Washington D.C., Mr. Green? Come on. What do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves.

Miss Scarlet: *to Mrs. Peacock* Perhaps, he doesn't want to get acquainted with you.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.

(The camera zooms in to see Professor Plum's face on Yvette's cleavage.)

"Well, Professor Plum turned himself into quite a sex hound, huh?" Lucas chuckled, "I'll tell ya, Master Roshi and Jiraiya are wussies when it comes to this guy."

Sean: (Narrating) And of course, we dig a little of Professor Plum's personal life as well.

Mrs. White: *to Plum* So what do you do, Professor?

Professor Plum: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.

Colonel Mustard: Another politician. Jesus!

Professor Plum: *to Mustard* No, I work for a branch of UNO. WHO, the World Health Organization.

"Sure, because leave it to a guy who works for a group that's pretty much dealing with a bullshit virus right now." Sean rolled his eyes, "And yeah, that's way worse than our president."

Sean: (Narrating) We soon find out that our six favorite guests all find out they've both been living in Washington D.C., and yet, they didn't even know about it until right now.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, does anyone here not live in Washington D.C.?

Professor Plum: I don't.

Mr. Green: Yes, but you work for the United Nations. That's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government, one way or another?

"Yeah, we have, and I'm still waiting for that stimulus check the government promised us in the mail." Lucas nodded to the camera.

"Speaking of which, I'm gonna see if it came today." Sean replied to the camera as well, "Hang on a minute."

Sean then got right out of his couch and headed for the door, but before he could though, he looked out of the window to see Brian dressed up as the Coronavirus look right at him from the mailbox. He then points right at Sean, who seems terrified enough that he backs away from the door and heads back in the couch feeling a little fearful.

"Yeah, I kinda forgot we're still on lockdown." Sean gulped to the camera.

"Kinda sucks, doesn't it?" Lucas nodded.

But then, Sean turned to Lucas with a raised eyebrow, "But wait a minute, how in the fuck did you even get in my house anyway?"

"I don't know. YouTube logic perhaps?" Lucas nodded back to Sean.

"Eh, close enough." Sean nodded as well while sipping his coffee.

Sean: (Narrating) And after a minute of waiting for God-knows-what, we finally get greeted with the most important guest of the party, Mr. Boddy, played by Lee Ving, who I can't tell if he's passing himself off as either Tommy Vercetti or Michael DeSanta from Grand Theft Auto.

Wadsworth: Ladies and gentleman, may I present Mr. Boddy.

Mr. Boddy (played by Lee Ving): What are they all doing here?

Wadsworth: Eating dinner. Do sit down, Mr. Boddy.

Mr. Boddy: Thanks.

(Yvette goes to the dinner table and tries to put a bowl into Mr. Boddy's plate, but Mr. Boddy stops him.)

Mr. Boddy: *to Yvette* Ah, you can take that away, honey.

"Yeah, screw the meal. He just wants a piece of big juicy melons instead." Lucas smirked naughtily.

(A clip of "My Wife and Kids" plays showing a Euro-Training gym trainer played by Terry Crews.)

Gym Trainer (played by Terry Crews): *pops his pecs* Indeed.

"Yeah, just NOT that kind." Sean said, pointing to the left.

"And here's something else you all didn't know about Lee Ving himself," Lucas clearly explained before replying, "Turns out he's actually the lead singer of a punk rock group called Fear, which was best known for songs like "The Mouth Don't Stop", which was featured in Grand Theft Auto V, and "I Love Livin' In The City", which was featured in Tony Hawk's Underground 2. The fact that the film hired a punk rocker to be in this film is fucking awesome."

"It was pretty much rare at the time to see musicians from the punk rock genre make the transition to film." Sean replied as a picture of Henry Rollins from Black Flag popped up, "Safe to say, I think Henry Rollins did alright for himself."

Mrs. Peacock: (Angrily) Look. I demand to know what's going on. Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place?

Wadsworth: Well. I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability." It is signed, "A friend."

Mr. Green: I received a similar letter.

Miss Scarlet: So did we, didn't we. (Indicating Professor Plum)

Mr. Boddy: I also received a letter. (As Yvette starts to serve him again) No thanks, Yvette. I just ate.

Mr. Green: Now, how did you know her name?

Mr. Boddy: We know each other. (He puts his hand up Yvette's short skirt) Don't we, dear?

(Yvette recoils)

"And he definitely wants to move onto dessert and we all know what he wants for dessert. A piece of Yvette's juicy ass." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) After dinner, the guest adjourn to the study for some coffee and brandy where Mr. Boddy will reveal his true intentions. As Wadsworth pulls out a manilla envelope from out of the desk for Mr. Boddy. But Mr. Boddy thinks that this is a hoax and tries to make a run for it.

(Mr. Boddy heads to the front door in the hall as Wadsworth and the guests follow him)

Wadsworth: There's no way out.

(Mr. Boddy tries to open the front door but it's locked)

Wadsworth: All the windows have bars, all the doors are locked.

Mr. Boddy: This is an outrage! You can't hold us prisoner!

"Dude, do you know who you're talking to? This is the guy who played Pennywise the Clown before Bill Skarsgard. So technically, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. And if you try to get out, you'll end up floating with the balloons." Sean said.

(We cut to Wadsworth pursuing Mr. Boddy. Mr. Boddy heads to the conservatory and picks up an empty pot and prepares to throw it through the glass as Wadsworth enters)

Wadsworth: You can't get out that way.

Mr. Boddy: Why not? It's only glass!

(He prepares to break the glass, but a vicious Doberman jumps at the glass, barking and snarling)

Sean: (V/O as Doberman) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!

(Mr. Boddy turns to Wadsworth. Wadsworth smiles at Mr. Boddy as he puts the the pot down)

Sean: (Narrating) Wadsworth breaks the news to the guests that they're being blackmailed for the things that they've done. Professor Plum was once a professor of psychiatry but his license has been lifted because he was having an affair with a female patient, Mrs. Peacock is accused of taking bribes for her husband, Mrs. White is suspected in the death of her husband. Wait, how did he die?

Mrs. White: His head had been cut off and so had his… you know…

(The men in the room cross their legs)

Sean and Lucas' eyes both widened and their jaws dropped in shock from after hearing about how Mrs. White's husband died.

"Jesus Christ! Okay, that's a bit dark for a PG movie! Hey kids, you can hear about how Mrs. White's husband died. He was beheaded and had his Johnson cut off!" Sean yelled out.

"Hell of a way to go." Lucas added.

Lucas: (Narrating) Miss Scarlet has been running a brothel in Washington D.C., Colonel Mustard is a war profiteer and Mr. Green, well how should I put this without offending people? Mr. Green is a homosexual, a secret that would cost him his State Department job. And guess who's been blackmailing them?

(A clip from Hunter is shown featuring the title character)

Sgt. Rick Hunter (Played by Fred Dryer): (Breaks the fourth wall) Works for me.

"No, not Fred Dryer. Guess again." Sean said.

(A clip from WWE is shown featuring Brock Lesnar.)

Brock Lesnar: Suplex City, bitch.

"Not Brock Lesnar. Hell, you wish it was Brock Lesnar. Take another guess." Lucas said.

(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown featuring Bronn)

Bronn: (Played by Jerome Flynn) Jaime Fucking Lannis….

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRONN!" Sean yelled out. "God, this running gag is getting old. I'm about to murder it."

Sean: (Narrating) Nope, it's not these three, it's actually Mr. Boddy who's blackmailing them.

(Lighting crashes as Mr. Boddy looks very satisfied)

Colonel Mustard: You bastard!

(The guests advance on Mr. Boddy as he stands. Colonel Mustard challenges him to a fight, boxing-style)

Colonel Mustard: Put 'em up!

(Mr. Boddy steps on Colonel Mustard's toes and pokes him in the eyes)

"Who the hell has been teaching this guy to fight, the Three Stooges?" Lucas asked, chuckling a bit.

Lucas: (V/O as Mr. Boddy) Wiseguy, eh?

"You know what would've worked, if he had Michael De Santa's dialogue while fighting Colonel Mustard." Sean said.

(Michael De Santa's dialogue from Grand Theft Auto V starts playing)

Michael De Santa: Come on, then!/Let's roll, fuckhead!/YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE FUCKING PATHETIC!

(Mrs. White takes matters into her own hands and knees Mr. Boddy in the crotch)

Michael De Santa: Argh, Jesus!

Mr. Green: Was that necessary, Mrs. White?

Lucas: (Narrating) Wadsworth let's the guests know that the police will be on their way for them to take Mr. Boddy away. But Mr. Boddy has some surprising gifts for our characters before the cops throw him in the slammer.

Mr. Boddy: Open 'em.

Miss Scarlet: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men.

(Miss Scarlet opens her package, revealing a candlestick)

Miss Scarlet: A candlestick? What's this for?

"It's to put a candle inside. The hell do you think it's for?" Lucas asked.

(Mrs. White opens her box, revealing a rope tied in a noose. Mr. Green takes his box in one hand . He opens it and let's the contents fall in the other hand, revealing a lead pipe. Col. Mustard opens his box and pulls out a wrench while Prof. Plum pulls out a revolver from out of a box and finally we see Mrs. Peacock twirling a dagger)

"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Boddy. We already got our own weapons." Sean said.

Sean then pulls out a Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine gun while Lucas picks up an AK-47 from off of the coffee table before attaching the ACOG sight on the weapon while Sean attaches a silencer onto his weapon.

Mr. Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But… if one of you kills Wadsworth now…

(Wadsworth's eyes widen in shock)

Mr. Boddy: ...no one but the seven of us will ever know.

"Okay, in the words of Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys II, shit just got real." Lucas said.

Mr. Boddy: The only way to avoid finding yourself on the front pages is one of you to kill Wadsworth. Now.

(Mr. Boddy turns off the lights. We hear noises, someone inhales rapidly, a gunshot is heard, something ceramic breaks and someone screams. The lights come back on. Mrs. Peacock, who turned on the lights, drops the dagger in shock. We then see Mr. Boddy lying on the floor)

Both Sean and Lucas see this and start to get frightened off their seats, seeing Mr. Boddy die like that. Sean was frightened most of all since the coffee he was drinking out of spilled onto his shirt.

"Holy bejeezus!" Lucas shrieked out of his seat.

"Someone's ass just got wasted!" Sean exclaimed in a bit of panic before looking down on his shirt, "And I got coffee on my damn shirt. That's just frickin' great!"

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Boddy is apparently dead, without any indication as to how he died. And then, we get one of the most memorable lines ever said by Mr. Green.

Mr. Green: (Grabs Professor Plum by the lapels) How did he die?

Professor Plum: I don't know! (Shoves him away) I'm not a forensics expert.

Mrs. White: Well, one of us must have killed him!

Mr. Green: Well, I didn't do it!

"Aside from Tim Curry's performance in this movie, Mr. Green's classic line is worth it. A line so good that Bart Simpson said it in an episode of The Simpsons as his catchphrase. Hell, there was even a Disney Channel show which starred Olivia Holt and it was called I Didn't Do It." Lucas said.

"Man, I wish they gave the show a third season." Sean said.

"I know, same with Best Friends Whenever." Lucas said.

(Mrs. Peacock drinks Mr. Boddy's glass of cognac)

Professor Plum: (Alarmed) Maybe he was poisoned!

(Mrs. Peacock drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream. She doesn't stop screaming)

"Oh, my God! Does she have to scream? You know, I've been known to make women scream, but shit! She sounds like a fucking banshee!" Sean exclaimed while covering his ears.

"And I thought Anna Bell Peaks was a screamer. This crazy lady is trying to make me deaf!" Lucas shouted.

"Can somebody please shut her up?!" Sean asked.

(Mr. Green slaps Mrs. Peacock in the face to stop her from screaming)

Mr. Green: I… I had to stop her from screaming….

"Oh, you had every right to stop her from screaming. Was about this close to murdering her myself." Lucas said as he picks up his AK-47.

Lucas: (Narrating) But then another scream was heard. This time, the scream came from another room. So, the guests run into the billiard room, only to find Yvette alive.

Wadsworth: You're alive!

Yvette: No thanks to you!

Wadsworth: What do you mean?

Yvette: You lock me up with a murderer, you idiot!

"Oh, come on. You could've defended yourself from the killer. Hell, you were in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment the same year that movie was released and your character was a badass police officer with a machine gun. But then again, this is the same actress who starred in The Swinging Cheerleaders, Smokey and the Bandit Part III and appeared in an episode of Disney Channel's Andi Mack. Before I forget to mention this little fun fact: Colleen Camp also starred in the movie D.A.R.Y.L. the same year the movie Clue was released and that movie also starred Mr. Green himself Michael McKean. So yeah, you have Mr. Green and Yvette in the same movie together." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) So yeah, this traumatizes our busty little maid half to death, leaving Wadsworth and the entire guests wondering how Mr. Boddy died this way.

Mr. Green: Is there no indication of how he died?

Professor Plum: No.

Wadsworth: This is terrible! This is absolutely terrible! It's not what I intended! Oh, my god!

Mrs. White: Not what you intended?

Miss Scarlet: So, you're not the butler?

Wadsworth: I'm not the butler, but I am the butler.

"Plus, he was also Dr. Frank N. Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island, The Lord of Darkness in Legend, every single thing the butler was!" Lucas said to the camera.

Sean then pointed to the right and said, "Did we forget to mention he also voiced this dude as well?"

(A clip of The Wild Thornberrys is shown featuring Nigel Thornberry.)

Nigel Thornberry (voiced by Tim Curry): Aren't you just itching with child-like curiosity?

"Talk about a smashing line of work." Sean said, imitating Nigel Thornberry.

Sean (Narrating): Of course, we all soon find out that Wadsworth was the one who gave out the invitations and that it was all his idea. But not without explaining it all of course!

Wadsworth: When I said that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler, but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end.

Colonel Mustard: When did it come to an end?

Wadsworth: When my wife decided to… end her life. She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you, he believed that you were all throroughly un-American.

(A table then suddenly falls under the weight of Mr. Green, who lands right on his ass therefore breaking the table itself.)

Mr. Green: Sorry.

"Well, you should be sorry! Your dumb ass just broke a $100 table!" Sean said with a stern look on his face.

"I wouldn't blame him though, he didn't have anywhere to sit." Lucas shrugged to Sean.

Wadsworth: For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife, for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband, and… so forth.

Mr. Green: But this is a ridiculous! If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities.

Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?

"Well, for one, baseball, apple pie, monster trucks, strip clubs, wrestling, rock n' roll, Coca-Cola, Nicolette Shea's big-honkin' cleavage, things that made America great to begin with," Lucas nodded to the camera before he got mad and brought out a stuffed orange monkey that was dressed in a blue tuxedo and had a certain president's haircut, "That was until this stupid fuckin' ape turned it to shit!"

Lucas (Narrating): With their backs up against the creek, the entire guests all must scramble around to see who killed Mr. Boddy in the next 39 minutes before the po-po shows up.

Mrs. Peacock: My God! We can't have then come here now.

Mr. Green: But how can we possibly find out which of you did it?

Professor Plum: *to Mr. Green* What do you mean, which of "you" did it?

Mr. Green: Well, I didn't do it!

"Well, I believe Mr. Green too!" Sean exclaimed, "He's completely innocent in all of this!"

Lucas then pointed to the left, "And C'mon, how can you put Mr. Green in jail when he does this for a living?"

(A clip of This Is Spinal Tap plays showing David St. Hubbins singing "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight.)

David St. Hubbins (played by Michael McKean): *singing* You can't touch 'cause I cost too much, but tonight I'm gonna rock ya (Tonight I'm gonna rock ya)/Yeah, tonight I'm gonna rock ya (Tonight I'm gonna rock ya)/Tonight!

"Oh, you're seeing this right, folks. Mr. Green is in Spinal Tap and is a fucking rockstar!" Lucas smirked to the camera, throwing up the devil horns in the process.

"If that ain't hardcore, I don't know what is!" Sean smirked as well.

Sean: (Narrating) Trying to figure out which one of them killed Mr. Boddy, the guests, Wadsworth and Yvette run into the kitchen, only for them to learn that the cook is in the house. So, they run into the kitchen to look for her, only for this to happen.

Mr. Green: Well. She's not here.

(The door to the freezer starts to open as Miss Scarlet screams right when the cook's body tumbles out into Mr. Green's arms. We see that she now has the dagger sticking out of her back and Mr. Green is having a difficult time holding her)

Mr. Green: I didn't do it!

"Yes, we ALL know you didn't, Mr. Green!" Sean rolled his eyes, "You don't have to remind us! Geez!"

Colonel Mustard: I think you'd better explain yourself, Wadsworth.

Wadsworth: Me? Why me?

Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?

Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.

Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?

Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.

Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.

(Several of the guests look shocked)

Miss Scarlet: Oh.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Colonel Mustard: I said "if." "If!"

"Well, don't kill her. You need her to star in Richie Rich's Christmas Wish with you in about a couple of years." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) But hey, it ain't a murder myster until somebody starts pointing fingers at the other person, which Colonel Mustard does right away when he points a finger at Mrs. White. Literally.

Mrs. White: I've admitted nothing.

Colonel Mustard: Well, you paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?

Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?

Colonel Mustard: Yours.

Mrs. White: Five.

Colonel Mustard: Five.

Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong and disposable.

Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies!

"Five husbands? She has five husbands?! I guess one of them decided to leave her crazy ass. Or maybe she's a black widow. Look at her dress!" Lucas pointed out as we cut to Mrs. White dressed in black. "Now, tell me that they're not trying to make her the black widow-type who kills her husbands."

(A clip from The Incredibles is shown)

Bernie Kropp (Voiced by Lou Romano): Coincidence? I think NOT!

Sean: (Narrating) So, they take the cook's body and carry her into the study. As they enter the study, well, remember Mr. Boddy's corpse? Well, here's a little problem.

Professor Plum: (Dropping Mrs. Ho's body and points) Look!

Wadsworth and Mr. Green: What?

Professor Plum: The body's gone!

(Mrs. Ho is dropped)

Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?

Mr. Green: Nothing…

Mrs. Peacock: Well, who's there?

Colonel Mustard: Nobody.

Wadsworth: Nobody. No Boddy, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body. It's gone.

"Turns out Mr. Boddy decides to go all Walking Dead on their asses. Plus, this movie also delivers another classic, memorable line and a damn good one too." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) While Mrs. Peacock goes to the bathroom to go powder her nose, Miss Scarlet stumbles across the negatives to which Colonel Mustard referred to earlier. You know the ones that I'm talking about with him in a little compromising situation, which Miss Scarlet seems interested in them.

Professor Plum: What sort of pictures are they?

Colonel Mustard: They are my pictures, and I'd like them back, please.

Miss Scarlet: No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me too.

(Professor Plum snatches the pictures and hold them up to the light)

Professor Plum: Let me see…

Mrs. White: (Looking) Oh, my. Nobody can get into that position.

Professor Plum: (Putting the pictures down) Sure they can. Let me show you.

(Professor Plum starts to demonstrate with Mrs. White on the couch)

Mrs. White: Get off me!

"Okay, I do not want to see Christopher Lloyd doing Madeline Kahn in that position on the couch. In fact, I would rather see Taylor in that position while I'm doing her. Or I would rather see either Cali Carter, Elsa Jean, Lacy Lennon or Kiara Cole in that position. Hell, I think I did see Kiara Cole getting pounded in that position." Sean smirked.

"I would like to do Kendra Lust in that position." Lucas smirked as well.

(Mrs. Peacock opens the door to the bathroom, right when Mr. Boddy's body falls out and lands in her arms as she starts screaming. We see that he's certainly dead now and we see that is head is bloody)

"Well, somebody's wasted." Sean said.

(The scene is shown again, this time we see Mr. Boddy's body falling out in motion for one second, then the screen turns grayscale and slower with the words "WASTED" in the center of the screen)

Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Mr. Boddy is dead… again. Man, how many times can this guy die?

Mrs. White: (Looking at Mr. Green) You've got blood on your hands….

Mr. Green: (Panicking) I didn't do it!

"Dude, shut the fuck up! Of course you didn't do it. Man, are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Because I'm about to put you through that goddamn window." Sean said. "But then again, A.J. Soprano said that death just shows the ultimate absurdity of life."

Lucas: (Narrating) So it looks like Mr. Boddy's dead yet again, unless...

Mr. Green: Unless he wasn't dead before.

Professor Plum: What's the difference?

Wadsworth: *shouting to Plum* That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out who killed him and where, and with what!

Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!

Wadsworth: I'm not shouting!

"Oh, really?" Lucas said, raising an eyebrow. "Then explain to us why you're bitching like April Margera?" He replied, referring to Bam Margera's mom from Jackass.

Wadsworth: All right, I am! I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm-!

(A candlestick falls from the door hinges and bonks Wadsworth in the head, knocking him out.)

"Ha, serves your ass right, Nigel Thornberry." Sean smirked while taking a sip of his coffee.

"Now that's what I call smashing." Lucas smirked as well.

Sean: (Narrating) So the guests put the bodies in the study as Wadsworth takes the weapons and lock them up into the cupboard. But Wadsworth has the key, which means that he can open it whenever he wants.

"Couldn't you just throw the key away or just flush it into the toilet?" Sean asked.

Lucas: (Narrating) But Wadsworth gets ready to throw the key out but ends up hiding the key in his pocket when he opens the front door, only to find a motorist, played by Jeffrey Kramer, standing outside in front of the door.

Wadsworth: Sorry... (Laughs nervously) Can we help?

The Motorist (Played by Jeffrey Kramer): I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the whole household, but... my car broke down out here, and I was wondering if I could use your phone.

Wadswoth: Just a moment, please.

(The group huddles together and discusses it while the Motorist looks rather confused before the group turns to him)

Wadsworth: Very well, sir. Would you care to come in?

The Motorist: Well? Where is it?

Wadsworth: What, the body?

The Motorist: The phone. What body?

"Oh, nice job, dumbass! Now, the guy is going to find out that there are two dead bodies in the house. You're not that bright, are you?" Lucas asked.

(A clip from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is shown)

Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Played by Tim Curry): It's not easy having a good time.

Sean: (Narrating) Thankfully, Wadsworth manages to lead the motorist in the lounge to use his phone, only to lock him in the room where the killer might be at.

"Great job, Wadsworth. You just locked the poor guy in the room and sent him to his death." Sean rolled his eyes.

"I'm amazed he wasn't arrested for holding someone hostage." Lucas replied, "He got himself off scot-free like OJ… except for the one time he got himself in jail stealing."

Colonel Mustard: *to Wadsworth* Where's the key?

Wadsworth: In my pocket.

Professor Plum: Not that key. The key to the cupboard, with the weapons.

Wadsworth: You still wish me to throw it away?

All: YES!

Lucas: (Narrating) So he does, but even so, they still can't leave the mansion since they need to find out who killed the lead singer of Fear. So, how do they kill time though? By drinking!

(The scene shows Colonel Mustard pouring down whiskey down a couple of drinks, set a small sample of "Have A Drink On Me" by AC/DC)

"I'll tell ya, if there's one thing that gets me hot and bothered in a good way, it's a good ol' cold one." Lucas said as he threw his cup of french vanilla coffee away. He then pulls out a case of Smirnoff Ice Screwdrivers and pours it in a glass before saying, "Now let's drink to our guests."

Colonel Mustard: *to Wadsworth* Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth: Um, no. No.

Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone in this house?

Wadsworth: No, sorry, I said "No" meaning "Yes."

Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "Yes"? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else, or isn't there, "Yes" or "No"?

Wadsworth: Uh, no?

Colonel Mustard: No, there is, or no there isn't.

Wadsworth: Yes.

(Mrs. White gets pissed and hits her glass on top of the fireplace.)

Mrs. White: PLEASE!

"Well, way to piss off Mrs. White like that!" Sean nodded, "I mean, Colonel Mustard asked you a question, Wadsworth. It would have been easy to say yes and that was it!"

"No shit, maybe Mrs. White should at least clean that up." Lucas nodded as well before explaining, "I should know that because in the board games, she is basically dressed up like a maid. Something that the film kinda forgot to do."

Sean: (Narrating) So, not only does Mrs. White lose her shit, but so do the others as they need to figure out what to do about that motorist.

Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?

Miss Scarlet: *to Plum* If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

Professor Plum: *to Scarlet* If we throw him out, he may even get more suspicious!

Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already.

Mrs. Peacock: *whining* Oh, who cares?! That guy doesn't matter. Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then, AND THERE ARE TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY!

All: *to Mrs. Peacock* Shhhhh!

"Oh, thank god!" Sean rolled his eyes, "I never thought that old annoying bitch would never SHUT UP! Goddamnit, and to think a banshee was the only thing that bleeds ears!"

However, Lucas felt something bother him as reached out through his ears, only to find out there was blood dripping a bit out of his drums.

"Yeah, she just did a number on me right now." Lucas nodded.

Lucas: (Narrating) Thankfully, Colonel Mustard manages to solve this little problem in proper military fashion. How will he do it, you ask? By channeling his inner Fred Jones and enforces the gang to split up in pairs. For Yvette, not so much.

Yvette: Bon. D'accord. But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?

Plum and Mustard: *to Yvette* I will.

Mr. Green: No, thank you.

"Well, some kind of wussy you are, Mr. Green." Sean replied out of pity, "What's so bad about having to be paired up with a maid with knockers so supple like Nikki Benz?"

"He did the mention the part that he was gay and all, so that should explain a lot." Lucas nodded before winking, "I mean, heck, I'd go upstairs with her myself. It wouldn't bother me none."

Sean: (Narrating) But never to worry as Wadsworth suggests everyone draws matches for partners, which they do. So once they're done picking their matches, it goes like this. Pair one is Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlet, pair two is Wadsworth and Mrs. White, pair three is wussy boy Mr. Green and Yvette, and pair four involves Professor Plum and…

(Professor Plum puts his short match next to Mrs. Peacock.)

Professor Plum: *to Peacock* It's you and me, honeybunch.

(Plum then drops his match as The Price Is Right loser fanfare sound plays.)

"Yeah, good luck with the human Wilhelm scream yourself, Plum." Sean groaned, referring to Mrs. Peacock.

Lucas: (Narrating) So the first place both Yvette and Mr. Green try is the attic, which is weird since they don't even have an attic in the board game. In another place, Professor Plum and the annoying scream machine try out the downstairs basement, yet they don't know who's going down.

Professor Plum: *to Peacock* Well… ladies first.

Mrs. Peacock: *to Plum* No, no you… you can go first.

Professor Plum: No no no, I insist.

Mrs. Peacock: No, I insist.

Professor Plum: Well, what are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?

Mrs. Peacock: No. Just death. Isn't that enough?

Irritated by this, Lucas pulled out a megaphone and said, "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GO THE FUCK DOWNSTAIRS!?"

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, both Wadsworth and Mrs. White have second thoughts going into two separate rooms they want to go in but can't. Or do they?

Wadsworth: *to White* Um, I don't see any light switches in there.

Mrs. White: *to Wadsworth* Well, neither do I. But there must be switches somewhere.

Wadsworth: Shall I come in with you.

Mrs. White: No! I mean… no, thank you.

(The two go into the two separate unidentified rooms, but then look at each other suspensefully.)

"Oh, great. The suspense is killing me so damn much, both the butler and Mrs. White can't even decide themselves at the last second." Lucas rolled his eyes.

(A clip of the cartoon Total Drama Action plays showing Izzy, Justin and Lindsay.)

Izzy: Ugggh, I'm surrounded by loons!

Sean: (Narrating) Even Mustard and Scarlet don't have much luck either inside the billiard room.

Colonel Mustard: Ladies first.

Miss Scarlet: No, thanks.

(The two attempt to leave through the counter, but both Mustard and Scarlet are budged between one another, struggling to get through. They finally get through after several seconds of struggling.)

"Wow, Colonel Mustard must've been so fat, he nearly crushed Miss Scarlet half to death trying to get through a single bar counter." Sean rolled his eyes, "Should've just let her go first."

Sean: (Narrating) Back to Yvette and Green…

(Mr. Green and Yvette are still standing downstairs at the attic, undeciding who should go up.)

"They're still fucking standing there?!" Sean yelped before pulling out a gun from his couch and shouting, "That's it, someone better go the hell upstairs or else I'm going to-"

Yvette: *to Green* Go on, I'll be right behind you.

Mr. Green: *to Yvette* That's why I'm nervous.

Yvette: Then we go together.

"Oh, about frickin' time!" Sean rolled his eyes again before putting his gun back, "For a minute there, I was losing my patience."

"Yeah, and dare I say, it's about time Mr. Green finally manned up and got some action from a hot sexy maid." Lucas nodded to the camera, "I mean, yeah, they don't do it and they have to go up and investigate, but imagine if that actually did happen if someone at Brazzers made a X-rated parody of Clue. I'd watch that shit to the ground."

Lucas: (Narrating) Since my friend is losing patience as it is, I'll go through this fast: Yvette and Mr. Green go up the stairs, Professor Plum falls on his ass leading downstairs to a wine cellar, we see Colonel Mustard trying to lock Miss Scarlet in a room while Wadsworth…

(Wadsworth stands inside an unidentifiable room.)

Wadsworth: If there's anybody in here, just look out.

Mrs. White: Are you hiding? I'm coming.

"Ah, reminds me of hide-and-seek sex night with Taylor last week." Sean smirked a bit naughtily, "Good times, I tell ya."

(Colonel Mustard opens the door to a darkened room.)

Colonel Mustard: What room's this?

Miss Scarlet: Search me.

Colonel Mustard: *to Scarlet* All right.

(Mustard strip searches Scarlet, only for Scarlet to stop him.)

Miss Scarlet: *annoyed* Get your mitts off me.

"Oh, that's not fair, Mustard!" Lucas whined in disappointment, "How come you get to feel her and not me and Sean?"

Sean smirked before chuckling, "I guess Miss Scarlet turned herself into a grope magnet. She's got Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard feeling her up like Britney Amber in a Brazzers scene."

Sean: (Narrating) After we see Mrs. Peacock get the shit scared out her from a rat under a wine cellar, we find Mustard and Scarlet entering what appears to be the ballroom. Mustard soon ditches her for the kitchen, leaving Miss Scarlet to find out what's actually standing behind the curtains.

(Miss Scarlet then walks slowly towards the curtains, only for her to open up the curtains and reveal a window that has a shattered hole in the center.)

"Well, that was anti-climatic." Lucas groaned a little.

"Yeah, I was expecting it to be either the killer or maybe Julie Andrews dressed as a guy." Sean shrugged, "I oughta know since Miss Scarlet was in Victor/Victoria with Mary Poppins herself, and considering that Julie Andrews's role in the movie was playing a soprano moonlighting as a gay female Polish impersonator, I'd thought she'd be used to entering through curtains."

Lucas: (Narrating) During this little investigation however, we get a nice little look at a gloved hand burning all the evidence surrounding Mr. Boddy and the guests, including the film itself which burns between a glorious fireplace. All before opening up a key and getting a good shot at a wrench. Spooky. And after we get a good shot at a policeman, played by jazz musician Bill Henderson, look around the car of the motorist himself, the motorist is busy making his phone call.

The Motorist: I'm a little nervous.

(The fireplace creaks apart, revealing a secret passageway.)

The Motorist: I'm in this big house, and I've been locked into the lounge. Yes.

(A gloved hand soon appears with a wrench, approaching the motorist.)

The Motorist: The funny thing is, there's a whole group of people here having some sort of party.

"And not to mention there's a hot auburn-haired vixen dressed in green getting groped everywhere by horny middle-aged guys." Lucas replied, imitating the motorist.

The Motorist: And one of them is my old boss, from-

(The stranger hits the Motorist in the head with the wrench, killing him before he hangs up the phone.)

"Well, where's your old boss from?" Sean shrugged, "Can't give us the silent treatment forever."

"Um, dude, he's dead." Lucas replied to Sean.

"Well, I still want to know where this boss is from!" Sean nodded over to his friend, forcing Lucas to roll his eyes.

Lucas: (Narrating) With the motorist biting the dust hard, we head back to Scarlet and Mustard as they soon enter the mansion's conservatory where Colonel Mustard…

(Colonel Mustard wipes his hands before screaming and falling down in a secret passageway.)

Lucas: (Narrating) ...falls like a dumbass.

Colonel Mustard: Looks like a secret passage.

Miss Scarlet: Should we see where it leads?

(Mustard then grabs a flashlight.)

Colonel Mustard: What the hell. I'll go first. I've had a good life.

"By starring as Willard Kraft on Sabrina The Teenage Witch and voicing Vlad Plasimus in Danny Phantom of course," Sean nodded. "So I say, you definitely lived a pretty good life so far."

Sean: (Narrating) So this little passageway both Mustard and Scarlet are walking to leads them to the lounge, where they see the motorist dead like Vanilla Ice's career. This however traps them inside where Miss Scarlet freaks out like crazy, screaming out for help long enough for the guests to notice.

(Both the pairs of Mrs. White and Wadsworth and Mr. Green and Yvette start running to the upstairs hallways, only for Mr. Green and Wadsworth to collide with each other and get knocked over, taking both Yvette and Mrs. White with them.)

"Damn, somebody just got cross-checked!" Lucas smirked with laughter.

"Oooh, you hate to see that happen." Sean shuddered in pain before smirking, "Let's take a look at it on the slow-motion Mayhem Critic Instant Replay!"

(The scene where Wadsworth and Mr. Green collide into each other painfully gets shown again, only in slow motion while at the same time, Lucas and Sean are busy doing commentary over the scene.)

Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, as you see right there, we see Mr. Green and Yvette coming down the stairs while at the same time we see Wadsworth and his partner take a wrong turn to Alberquerque. Then all of sudden, one another meet and BOOM - what a painful car wreck. Something you usually see in a demolition derby, Sean.

Sean: (Narrating) Definitely a big mistake for Wadsworth though, he could have slew down and let Mr. Green and his partner pass, but nope. One mistake for him and it was out to scrapyard city for the butler himself. Okay, back to the movie.

Mr. Green: Where's the key?

(Wadsworth searches his pockets)

Wadsworth: The key is gone!

Professor Plum: Never mind about the key! Unlock the door!

(Mr. Green grabs Professor Plum and starts to shake him)

Mr. Green: I can't unlock the door without the key! (Releases Plum and bangs on the door) Let us in! Let us in!

Scarlet and Mustard: Let us out! Let us out!

Wadsworth: It's no good. Stand back. (He backs all the way across the hall to the study door) There's no alternative. I'm just going to have to break it down!

(Wadsworth runs at full speed to the door, he hits it and falls to the floor, holding his shoulder)

Sean and Lucas both burst out in laughter.

"Are you kidding me?" Sean asked.

"Hell, this is like one of those Linkara "I AM A MAN!" moments gone wrong." Lucas said.

Sean: (V/O as Wadsworth) I AM A MA… (Wadsworth hits the door and falls to the floor) Oh, shit. My shoulder! Somebody call 9-1-1!

(We see Yvette running into the study and grabs the revolver from out of the unlocked cupboard)

Lucas: (Narrating) But Yvette has a genius idea when she grabs the gun from out of the cupboard and…

(Yvette runs out of the study and trips over Wadsworth. The gun goes off, hitting the chandelier rope. Mr. Green screams as him and Professor Plum hit the deck while Mrs. Peacock and Mrs. White run into each other. We then cut to Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlet, who are both crouched down)

Colonel Mustard: They're shooting at us!

(Yvette gets up and aims at the lounge lock while Professor Plum and Mr. Green both get up, but get down again as Yvette shoots twice, hitting the door lock)

Colonel Mustard: (Turns away from the door and holds his shoulder) I've been shot!

"Jesus tap-dancin' Christ! Never give Colleen Camp a gun. Take a look if you give her a machine gun." Sean said.

(A clip from Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment plays, showing the character Sgt. Kirkland, played by Colleen Camp, shooting up the lamp store with a Ruger AC556 rifle)

"In the words of Erron Black: Girls with guns, always hot." Lucas smirked in return.

Sean: (Narrating) After Yvette shoots the door open, Colonel Mustard is not happy about her firing a gun at the door and he just yells at her.

Colonel Mustard: (Angrily to Yvette) Why are you shooting that thing at us?

Yvette: To get you out.

Colonel Mustard: (Shoves Yvette) You know, you could have killed us! I could've been killed!

(We get a shot of the chandelier spinning quickly. The rope is almost frayed)

Colonel Mustard: I can't take any more scares.

(The chandelier lands three feet in back of Colonel Mustard. Mustard is in shock as he collapses onto a love seat)

"Ha! Serves you right for yelling at that sexy busty French maid, you prick! You know, he's lucky that I didn't bust a cap in his ass." Sean said.

"He should've been lucky I didn't staple his nuts together too." Lucas smirked before bringing out a stapler from the couch.

Lucas: (Narrating) With Colonel Mustard scared shitless as ever, the rest of the guests wondered how Yvette got the gun in the first place. Turns out she got it from the same cupboard that the alleged killer unlocked himself, or herself, if you wanna know. The wondering stops right there when they're cut off by a doorbell of some kind.

(The doorbell rings.)

Miss Scarlet: Maybe they'll just go away.

(The doorbell doesn't ring this time.)

Lucas nodded before saying, "Well, what do you know, that actually kinda wor-"

(Several seconds later, the doorbell rings again.)

"Eh, shit." Lucas groaned.

Mr. Green: I'm going to open it.

Miss Scarlet: *to Green* Why?

Mr. Green: I have nothing to hide. I didn't do it! The key!

(Wadsworth hands Mr. Green the key and leaves.)

"Oh my goodness, do you have to keep saying that throughout the whole damn movie?" Sean rolled his eyes before suggesting to the camera, "I swear, if a reboot ever happens, we'll have Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy replace you. That way, instead of saying "I am Groot" all the time, let's have him spend the entire movie saying "I didn't do it" for two fucking whole hours!"

"Let's be honest, I'd would watch that for hours." Lucas nodded, sipping on his Smirnoff Ice Screwdriver.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Green soon gets the key in hand only to answer the door with a black cop standing in the driveway.

(Mr. Green opens the door to see a black cop saluting at him.)

The Cop (played by Bill Henderson): Good evening, sir.

(Mr. Green shuts the door in front of his face.)

"Exactly my reaction whenever I see Girl Scouts at my door." Sean pointing out.

(Mr. Green opens the door back up and looks at the cop with a smile)

Mr. Green: Yes?

The Cop: I found an abandoned car down near the gates of this house. Did the driver come in here for any help, by any chance?

(The guests all shook their head and say "No, no:, except for Mr. Green who is nervous.)

Mr. Green: Well, actually, yes.

All: *to Green* No!

"Yeah, you heard them Green, they didn't see anything." Lucas smirked out. "You trying to get 'em fucked like Ava Addams?"

The Cop: There seems to be some kind of disagreement.

(The guests all shake their heads and say no again, except for Mr. Green.)

Mr. Green: *nods* Yes.

"Yep, I knew it, they're getting screwed. Well, if that's the way it is, then I'd get myself some protection while you're at it," Sean nodded to the camera, "You always know how rough and nasty it is inside those male-only prison showers."

"In that case, Mr. Green, you might wanna use this to staple your safety hole together." Lucas replied, bringing out the stapler again.

Sean: (Narrating) Wadsworth finally manages to let the cop in anyway, only to have him locked inside the library. But never to worry for the cop, he's got all the booze to drink and a phone to make… oh, crap, that ain't good.

(Wadsworth closes the door and locks it)

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.

(The phone rings as the Cop answers it)

The Cop: And who shall I say is calling? (Pauses) Ah… will you hold on, please?

(The Cop moves over to the library doors)

The Cop: Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you have no right to shut me in!

"I'm the only black guy in this movie and my chances of surviving this film is not good. Now let me out, goddamn it!" Sean yelled out, imitating The Cop.

The Cop: I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty! And murder!

(The door opens as the party just stand there with Wadsworth holding a broom in his hand)

Wadsworth: What do you mean… "murder"?

The Cop: I just said it so you'd open the door.

(The guests sigh and laugh nervously)

"Well, what do you know, his chances of surviving this film might have increased. Who knew?" Lucas shrugged with a smirk.

Lucas: (Narrating) The Cop asks them what's going on and why they would try to lock him in. And more importantly why are they getting calls from J. Edgar Hoover. Plus, the Cop wants to look around to the house, so Mr. Green shows him around the house while the others try to hide the bodies so he won't find them. But when the fellow officer of the law wants to check the two rooms, Mr. Green tries to stop him.

Mr. Green: Officer, I don't think you should go in there.

The Cop: Why not?

Mr. Green: Uh…

"Come on, Mr. Green. I know you could come up with something good." Sean said.

Mr. Green: Because it's… all too shocking!

"Really? Dude, The Perfection on Netflix is shocking. And if you want more shock value, 2 Girls 1 Cup, 2 Guys 1 Horse, the BME Pain Olympics, 1 Guy 1 Jar and 2 Kids 1 Sandbox are shocking. Trust me, I know." Sean said, shaking his head. "Never again."

(The Cop enters the room, only to find Mrs. White on a couch on top of Mr. Boddy. We see that Mrs. White is using her hand to move Mr. Boddy's arm against her and pretending to kiss him. The Cop sees Colonel Mustard and a woman apparently kissing against the far wall, in a curtain. It is revealed that Mrs. Peacock is behind the curtain and she's holding the dead maid close to Mustard. The Cop then looks to Mr. Green.)

The Cop: It's not all that shocking. These folks are just having a good time.

(The Cop then leaves.)

"Oh sure, you don't have a problem with adults partying and making out with dead people, but when you see teens partying and getting drunk, it becomes an issue?" Lucas shrugged out to the camera.

(The Cop then enters the Lounge where he sees the dead motorist sitting on a chair with a bottle of champagne in hand.)

The Cop: Excuse me.

(The Cop then sees Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet making out before they turn to the cop looking very surprised.)

"DAAAAAAAAAMN!" Both Sean and Lucas said, smirking like sly foxes.

"Professor Plum is one lucky sonuvabitch." Lucas smirked, "I mean sure it was a diversion, but my goodness, who on earth wouldn't want to score with Miss Scarlet after seeing that in a nano-second?"

"I sure as hell would," Sean nodded, "Heck, give me a Brazzers parody with James Deen as Plum and Sara Jay as Scarlet and we're good to fucking go."

(A clip of Beavis and Butthead is shown.)

Beavis (voiced by Mike Judge): BOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OING!

The Cop: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.

Miss Scarlet: *to the Cop* Dead right.

The Cop: *to the Motorist* You're not gonna drive home, are you?

Professor Plum: *to the Cop* He won't be driving home, Officer. I promise you that.

"Except riding inside a hearse, that is." Lucas nodded.

Sean: (Narrating) Thankfully, their cover is safe for now. That is until Wadsworth locks the cop inside the library again that is, screwing his chances of life again. Back into their investigation, Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlet look inside the kitchen when…

(Colonel Mustard opens the cabinet and gets his head hit by a falling ironing board.)

Lucas: (Narrating) Heh, you dumb old shit. Miss Scarlet however finds a secret passage inside the meat locker, which somehow leads back to the study. Why were we not surprised? Mr. Green and Yvette go back to the attic when all of a sudden, this happens.

(A gloved hand pulls the power switcher, turning the power off inside the mansion, leaving the guests in the dark.)

(Mrs. Peacock, in pitch darkness, backs into the boiler)

Mrs. Peacock: Ahh! Don't you touch me!

(She hits the boiler with her handbag, thinking that it's a person)

"Geez, what on earth did that poor boiler ever do to you?" asked Lucas.

Lucas: While everyone is either getting distracted with closing doors and opening windows, we get a nice good shot at Yvette's cleavage coming down the stairs and entering inside the darkened billiard room where she's busy talking to someone we don't see offscreen.

(Yvette enters the billiard room.)

Mysterious voice: *whispering* Shut the door.

(Yvette closes the door.)

Mysterious voice: Did anyone recognize you?

Yvette: *whispering* They must have, and not just my face. They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones.

(A rope pops up and wraps Yvette around her neck, strangling her.)

Yvette: *gasping for air* It's you!

"Damn it, not her!" Sean groaned, "And her cleavage too!"

"Yeah, that soft gorgeous Alura Jenson cleavage we all love…" Lucas groaned as well.

Sean: (Narrating) Well, sucks to see Yvette go. So after the cop dies to a blow to the head thanks to a lead pipe in the library, we cut ahead to a doorbell ringing, which is soon followed by another cameo in this film.

(The door opens, revealing it to be a singing telegram girl, played by Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go's.)

Singing Telegram Girl (played by Jane Wiedlin): Da-da-da-da-da-da… I am, your singing telegram-

(A gun pops up and shoots her, leaving her dead on the doorway.)

"Oh, great. Now they killed the guitarist for the Go-Go's." Lucas groaned once more, "I wondered if that's how every band in the 80's split up back then."

(Mrs White walks into a box where a clown's head pops up, scaring her and getting Wadsworth's attention.)

Wadsworth: I'm coming! I'm coming!

Mrs. White: Help me! Help me in here!

Wadsworth: I'm trying to find the door!

(Wadsworth opens a door and enters into a mysterious, albeit wet room where he gets his hand on a knob.)

Wadsworth: What's this, another door?

(Wadsworth turns the knob over, only for a shower to be turned on, spraying him all around in disbelief.)

"Um, that's a shower you went into, dumbass." Sean muttered to him, "Yikes, how in the hell did you ever become a butler in the first place?"

"I liked him dressed in drag though, so maybe he's more suited to be a lingerie-dressing man instead." Lucas pointed out.

Lucas: (Narrating) Thankfully the panic stops once Wadsworth finally turns the lights back on, only to reaccess the damage that's been done in the dark. The guests soon see Yvette's hot rack lying dead on top of a pool table, then they see the Cop lying dead on the table with blood leaking out of his head like a faucet, and of course, The Go-Go's dead guitarist lying outside the door.

Wadsworth: Three murders?

Mr. Green: Six altogether.

Wadsworth: This is getting serious.

"You think that's serious? I haven't been this serious since pledging myself not to spoil Final Fantasy VII Remake for everyone!" Sean raised his eyebrow, "And no, I'm still not telling anybody, so shut up!"

Sean: (Narrating) So, with their backs up against a creek, Wadsworth finally comes to a conclusion.

Wadsworth: I know who did it.

All: (Incredulously) You do?

"You do?" Sean and Lucas both said at the same time.

Wadsworth: And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done. Follow me.

(He walks into the library as the guests follow)

Wadsworth: In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step by step. At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne. I was in the hall. (Pauses) I know because I was there.

"Well, no shit. We all knew that you were in the hall waiting for the guests. No need to show us again." Lucas said.

Wadsworth: Then, I hurried across the kitchen.

(He waves the guests to follow him. Wadsworth runs into the kitchen with the guests following him)

Wadsworth: And the cook was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner. And then…

"Oh, Christ. Do we have to go over this all over again? Just tell them who the murderer is." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Before my friend could lose his mind before strangling the butler, Wadsworth recreates the night's events by explaining what happened…

Wadsworth: Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter. And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter…

"You get a car, you get a car, everybody gets a car. Look here, Captain Hook. Get on with it right now before I end up murdering everyone in the house!" Sean yelled out before picking up his MP5 submachine gun.

All: GET ON WITH IT!

"What they just said." Lucas said.

"Couldn't agree with you more. At least it'll save me from making another Monty Python reference. Because I think I used that running gag too much. Well, looks like I won't be needing this." Sean said as he throws his MP5 down on the floor, causing it to go off and hitting the window before we hear a scream.

"AAAAHHHH! SEAN, YOU SHOT MY CAR!" Taylor screamed out.

"Oh, shit! Gotta hide!" Sean exclaimed as he ran out of the living room to hide from Taylor.

Taylor ran inside the house and grabs Sean's gun as she goes after him with it. Then, Sean returns from hiding as he sits back down on the couch.

"Whoo! That was close. Back to the review before my girlfriend kills me." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Wadsworth explains what happened tonight and props to Tim Curry. This is like my favorite scene of the whole movie. I can watch him explain stuff all day. I mean, imagine him reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Taylor in the bedroom listening to Tim Curry reading Fifty Shades of Grey)

Sean: (V/O as Tim Curry) "Suddenly he grabs me, tipping me across his lap. With one smooth movement, he angles his body so my torso is resting on the bed beside him. He throws his right leg over both mine and plants his left forearm on the small of my back, holding me down so I cannot move… He places his hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking around and around with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there… and he hits me-hard."

Taylor: Okay, I am strangely aroused by the sound of his voice.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Wadsworth: Mr. Green stood here, and Mrs. Peacock here, and Miss Scarlet here, and Professor Plum here, and Colonel Mustard, and Mrs. White, and…

"GET ON WITH IT!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

All: Get on with it!

Wadsworth: I'm getting there, I'm getting there! And Mr. Boddy went to get his surprise packages from the hall. And all of you opened your presents, (He shuts the door) and Mr. Boddy switched out the lights!

(Wadsworth turns off the lights as everyone screams. The lights are flipped back on as we see Wadsworth lying on the floor)

"Oh, well he's dead." Lucas said.

(The butler opens his eyes)

Wadsworth: Mr. Boddy lay on the floor, apparently dead.

"Shit!" Lucas exclaimed.

"How long are we going to sit here and listen to him explaining everything to us?" Sean asked.

Lucas: (Narrating) So it turns out that the reason that Mr. Boddy pretended to be dead was because he realized his scheme had misfired and the gunshot was intended to kill him and not Wadsworth. The bullet only managed to graze his ear. But enough about that, we see Wadsworth screaming like a little whiny bitch, then he starts beating the shit out of Mrs. Peacock before they rushed to the billiard room to see Yvette's dead cleavage again, and then he starts running down the damn hallway like he's the Ultimate Frickin' Warrior with a dagger in his hand. Not lying, Wadsworth explains the whole damn thing for a good frickin' ten minutes!

Sean: (Narrating) Then Wadsworth goes to the kitchen and stabs some sort of raw porkchop before opening up a secret passage that leads to the study like we've already saw, but it learns to a breakthrough where the dead cook and Yvette happens to be the murderer's accomplices. Oh, and guess what? Turns out Mrs. White actually knows Yvette after all. Yeah, Mrs. White husband banged the maid. Guess that's the reason why her husband died. But that's not all, there were also photos between Yvette and Colonel Mustard as well, which I can't even imagine Martin Mull ever groping anyone in a photograph. So explaining when and where Mr. Boddy was killed again, Wadsworth decides to use Mr. Green as an example.

(Wadsworth grabs Mr. Green by the arm.)

Wadsworth: Don't you see? Look, we came back to the study, with Yvette. Mr. Boddy was on the floor, pretending to be dead.

(Wadsworth throws Mr. Green to the ground.)

Wadsworth: But one of us knows he's alive.

(Wadsworth then picks up Mr. Green and pushes Green right to the chair.)

Wadsworth: So, I explained that I was Mr. Boddy's butler and I'd invited you here.

"Explain nothing, how about you explain why you're making Mr. Green into a pain magnet!" Sean exclaimed.

Lucas: (Narrating) So then they move back to the kitchen once again, the freezer door opens revealing Wadsworth dead, leaving Miss Scarlet screaming like Julie Cash when all of a sudden, Mr. Green drops him on his ass. Thankfully he comes back to life, they go back to the study where Wadsworth trips Mr. Green to the floor because… reasons? Then Wadsworth starts chasing down Mr. Green with a candlestick like someone stole his crack, only for the butler to beat him right up just by pounding him on his back.

Mr. Green: (to Wadsworth) WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

"No shit, we're all begging him to stop it so we can move on to find out who the murderer is!" Lucas groaned, "I swear, a full episode of SpongeBob SquarePants is lasting longer than this explanation."

Wadsworth: Then, he threw him into the toilet!

(Wadsworth throws Mr. Green into the bathroom.)

Wadsworth: And nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute.

Colonel Mustard: So, who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?

Wadsworth: Whoever it was is the murderer.

(Wadsworth leaves before Mr. Green comes out of the bathroom with a towel in hand, giving it to Colonel Mustard right as the toilet flushes.)

"Geez, light a match, Mr. Green." Sean groaned, "You think we all want to smell that?"

(A clip of Space Jam plays showing Pepe Le Pew)

Pepe Le Pew (voiced by Maurice LeMarche): Oh my…

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, since I know this is gonna be a pain seeing Wadsworth explain it all, they go to the lounge, they leave for the front door only for Wadsworth to pretend he's throwing the key away when he had it in his pocket all along. Then we hear from Green saying that Mustard has a top-secret Pentagon job, Mrs. White cheating husband is a nuclear physicist, and Yvette is a link between them like what Mr. Green says. Then we reveal that the project that Mustard is working on is the next fusion bomb. I can't tell if it's either a wrestling move or an actual bomb. Anyway, Wadsworth tells them he actually invited the motorist over at the mansion, but not without learning that everyone here tonight was either Mr. Boddy's victim or accomplice. SHOCKER! But not without learning the fact that motorist was actually Colonel Mustard's driver. EXTRA SHOCKER! Just like this confession from good ol' Mustard himself.

(Mustard sits on the chair.)

Wadsworth: And what was he holding over you?

Colonel Mustard: He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force radio parts and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money.

"What can I say, the economy sucked back then." Lucas shrugged to the camera, "But then again, I wasn't even born in the 50's, so what the hell do I know?"

Lucas: (Narrating) Then we also find out that the policeman that came to the house was Miss Scarlet's accomplice from D.C., bribing him once a week.

(A photo of Miss Scarlet is shown, possibly closing on her cleavage.)

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, we can possibly tell why she bribed him.

Sean: (Narrating) And about that singing telegram girl…

(The guests open up the door, looking down at the singing telegram girl's dead body.)

Professor Plum: She was my patient, once. I had an affair with her. That's how I lost my license. Mr. Boddy found that out too.

"So, you mean to tell me that you, Doc Brown, actually slept with the guitarist from the Go-Go's?" Sean raised his eyebrows. "So much for the song "Our Lips Are Sealed". Those secrets would've blown all over like Nick Manning ever would."

Sean: (Narrating) Once they drop the girl like a rock back at the study, Wadsworth then reveals that whoever killed Mr. Boddy also wanted his accomplices dead. But that doesn't matter since Wadsworth explains the whole damn thing how the murderer got the weapon in the first place, therefore leaving him to ring the damn bell and leave Mrs. Peacock bitching again.

(Wadsworth rings the bell.)

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, whoever it is, they've got to go away or they'll be killed.

(Mrs. Peacock runs to the door where she opens it to see a preacher in a trenchcoat, played by Howard Hesseman, show up on the doorstep)

Preacher (played by Howard Hesseman): Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the Kingdom of Heaven?

Mrs. Peacock: What?

Preacher: Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Miss Scarlet: *to the Preacher* You ain't just whistling Dixie.

Preacher: Armageddon is almost upon us.

"No crap, whose idea was it to cast Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in a cameo that has him acting like an old bullshitty version of Kirk Cameron?" Sean shrugged. "And if you're asking out there, no, we're still not gonna review Saving Christmas, so get over it whiners."

"That goes for you too, Growing Pains fans." Lucas pointed to the camera.

Wadsworth: The cop arrived next. We locked him in the library.

(Wadsworth runs right into the library.)

Sean: (Narrating) Since I've clearly had enough of him explaining even more shit that already happened in the movie, I'll just get to the bottom of this and have Wadsworth turn off all the lights in the house.

Wadsworth: Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you.

Mr. Green: YOU'RE A BIT LATE FOR THAT! *To Mrs. White* I hate when he does that.

(Mrs. White does a wimpy scream.)

Both Sean and Lucas suddenly laugh out loud, losing control of their laughter seeing Mrs. White let out that mock scream.

"Okay, what in the hell was that?!" Lucas smirked.

"Don't know, but that sounded like a Bee Gee to me," Sean smirked as well. "I guess I shouldn't sound surprised considering Madeline Kahn also is a good singer too."

Lucas: (Narrating) With a bunch of dead bodies, Wadsworth deduces that Yvette killed the cook and Mr. Boddy, in which he explains that she was in the billiard room listening to their conversation and then we see her killing the cook, then returning to the billiard room and starts screaming. Wadsworth continues to explain to the guests that Yvette murdered Mr. Boddy by hitting him in the head with the candlestick and dragging him into the toilet.

Miss Scarlet: Why?

Wadsworth: To create confusion.

Mrs. Peacock: It worked.

(Colonel Mustard nods)

Professor Plum: Why did she do it?

Wadsworth: Was it because she was acting under orders? From the person who later killed her?

Professor Plum: Who?!

Mrs. Peacock: Who?!

Miss Scarlet: Who?!

"WHO?!" Sean and Lucas both said at the same time.

Wadsworth: Was it one of her clients? (turns to Col. Mustard) Or was it a jealous wife? (turns to Mrs. White) Or an adulterous doctor? (turns to Prof. Plum) No. It was her employer, Miss Scarlet.

Miss Scarlet: That's a lie!

"What? No! She couldn't have done that! All lies, I tell ya!" Sean boldly exclaimed.

"I totally agree with Sean too!" Lucas nodded before pulling out a guitar, "In fact, Miss Scarlet wrote this song for me to sing to you how wrong you are, Wadsworth. It goes a little something like this."

And then, Lucas started to play a riff from that accoustic guitar, which was soon identified as the song "I Cross My Heart" by George Strait. He then sang out loud in comedic effect:

I cross my heart

I promise you

I didn't kill the bitch

With a rope in a billiard room

And all the world

You'll never find

Professor Plum grabbing tush

Like mine

It felt so good

So fine

After he finished playing, Lucas set the guitar down and said, "Cause you see that actress who played Miss Scarlet was in the film Pure Country with George Strait. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone since the film's a little bland, but the soundtrack was and is still quite awesome, so I'm not complaining."

Sean: (Narrating) Wadsworth, being the clever detective that he is, he explains to Miss Scarlet that she killed the motorist when they split up to search the house and she knew about the secret passage that Yvette told her and when they split up again, we see her switching off the electricity like she's friggin' Sam Fisher. She grabbed the lead pipe and the rope and strangled Yvette's sexy ass and bashed the cop's brains in with the lead pipe. She then picked up the gun that Yvette dropped and opened the front door as she recognized the chick from the Go-Go's and shot her.

Miss Scarlet: You've no proof.

Wadsworth: The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer.

(They all do so. Suddenly, Miss Scarlet pulls out a revolver. Then, the "Dun Dun Dunnnnn" sound effect plays)

"Oh, my God!" Sean yells out with a shocked look on his face.

"I don't believe it. Miss Scarlet is the murderer!" Lucas yelled out.

"I haven't been this much shocked since I watched the finale of Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu. And no, I'm not going to spoil it for you." Sean said as he points at the camera. "But then again, I watched Color of Night and it wasn't a surprise that Miss Scarlet was in that movie."

Mr. Green: Why did you do it? Half of Washington knows what kind of business you run. You were in no real danger. The whole town would be implicated if you were exposed.

Miss Scarlet: I don't think they know my real business. My business is secrets. Yvette found them out for me. The secrets of Senator Peacock's defense committee, of Colonel Mustard's fusion bomb, Professor Plum's U.N. contacts, and the work of your husband, (walks to Mrs. White) the nuclear physicist.

Colonel Mustard: And what if we don't cooperate?

Miss Scarlet: You will. Or I'll expose you.

"Wha… wha… whoa! There's no need for that, Miss Scarlet. This is a PG movie. Kids are watching this." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) As Miss Scarlet prepares to shoot Wadsworth, he points out that there are no more bullets left in the gun, but she's not going to fall for that old trick. And granted, she is holding a revolver, which carries like about five, six or seven bullets in a rotating cylinder.

Wadsworth: There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.

Miss Scarlet: That's not six.

"Oh, come on! Hell, Sean and I kept track of how many bullets that were fired from the gun. So to clarify: there was one bullet that was fired at Mr. Boddy in the study, one for the chandelier right when Yvette tripped over Wadsworth, two for when Yvette shot at the lounge door to get it open and one for when Miss Scarlet shot the Go-Go's guitarist." Lucas said.

"So, technically five bullets were fired from that gun and there one bullet left in the gun. But if there's two bullets left, then I'm sure that the next bullet is meant for you. In other words, you're fucked." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) But before Miss Scarlet shoots Wadsworth, she gets distracted by the doorbell as he disarms the femme fatale while Mr. Green opens the door, only for the cops to raid the house. And remember the preacher from before? Well, it turns out that he's the police chief.

"And you want to know what's funny? Howard Hesseman did play the captain of a police precinct in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment the same year that this movie was released. Oh, great. You have Colleen Camp and Howard Hesseman from Police Academy 2 in the same movie. I swear, if they add either Michael Winslow and Bobcat Goldthwait. Hell, I'd rather take Art Metrano to appear in this movie so I can see him do his magic act." Sean said.

Police Chief: Ah, Wadsworth, well done. *to Scarlet* I did warn you, my dear. Mr. Hoover is an expert on Armageddon.

Miss Scarlet: *to Wadsworth* Wadsworth… don't hate me for trying to shoot you.

Wadsworth: Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

"Nice use of copyright infringement right there." Lucas smirked to Wadsworth.

Wadsworth: As I was trying to tell you, there are no bullets left in this gun, you see.

(Wadsworth somehow fires the gun at the rope that was holding the chandelier. He becomes dumbfounded while at the same time Miss Scarlet smirks at him.)

Colonel Mustard: Plus two… plus one.

(The chandelier comes down and crashes right behind Colonel Mustard, scaring the hell out of him before it comes to a freeze-frame.)

"Well, shit… looks like Wadsworth got it wrong all along." Lucas replied, "All worth it to see Colonel Mustard get the shit scared out of him."

Sean then nodded as he said, "Yep, and all's well that ends well."

"OR IS IT…?!" Both Sean and Lucas shouted in a suspenseful closeup before transitioning into a freeze-frame itself..

That's how it could have happened. But how about this?

"Yep, that's right, there's another ending everyone." Sean nodded while smirking.

"Oh, thank god!" Lucas sighed in relief, "At least Miss Scarlet didn't do it!"

"Well, let's see…" Sean smiled deviously.

(Wadsworth escapes from the basement.)

Wadsworth: In the dark, the murderer ran across the hall to the study-

"Great, more seconds of him explaining shit we already know!" Sean rolled his eyes.

Sean: (Narrating): You know what? I'll do the explaining here. The murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the rope and the lead pipe, ran to the billiard room and strangled Yvette, which is actually Mrs. White that Wadsworth is choking out. Then Wadsworth is karate chopping Colonel Mustard in the head, and- you know what, fuck it. IT'S MRS. PEACOCK! THERE, SAVED YOU WORTH THE TROUBLE!

Wadsworth: *to Peacock* You murdered them all. You were the person who was missing when the cook and Mr. Boddy were murdered. And the cook used to be your cook. Don't you remember your fatal mistake?

"Yeah, don't you remember, Peacock?" Lucas replied, "You used be the weird cat lady that got killed in Jeepers Creepers."

Wadsworth: You told us at dinner that we were eating one of your favorite recipes, and monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are often not to be found in Washington D.C.

Mrs. Green: Is that what we ate?

(Mrs. Green runs past Wadsworth and retches in sickness.)

"Thank goodness I did NOT have to see that." Sean pointed out.

Lucas: (Narrating) So Peacock finally admits to killing Mr. Boddy, just by pulling out the revolver from her purse. Thank goodness it wasn't Miss Scarlet this time.

Mrs. Peacock: *points gun to Wadsworth* What do you propose to do about it?

Wadsworth: Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock: Nothing?

Wadsworth: Nothing at all. I don't approve of murder, but it seems to me you've done the world a public service by ridding it of an appalling blackmailer and his disgusting informers.

Mr. Green: But the police will be here any minute. What happens then?

"We'll set up a stage for them to perform, that's for sure." Lucas nodded, "After all, who couldn't resist Sting?"

"My mom couldn't, and she loves that band to death." Sean nodded as well, referring to The Police.

Sean: (Narrating) So without any trouble, Wadsworth actually lets Mrs. Peacock escape out of the mansion scot-free, or so she thinks…

(Mrs. Peacock heads to her blue automobile when the preacher from earlier notices her and speaks.)

Preacher/Police Chief: Oh, Mrs. Peacock?

Mrs. Peacock: How did you know my name?

Preacher/Police Chief: The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

(The preacher/police chief draws her gun at him, followed by a pair of lights shining all around and cops popping out of the bushes. The guests then run out of the mansion.)

Mrs. Peacock: Take your hands off me! I'm a senator's wife!

"Plus, I was nominated for an Oscar in Private Benjamin! I was also a captain too, you know?" Lucas said, imitating Mrs. Peacock.

Wadsworth: You see, it's like the Mounties, "We always get our man."

Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?

(Both Colonel Mustard and Wadsworth slap Mr. Green in response, knocking him crazy. While at the same time the game over sound from the Super Nintendo version of "Clue" plays.)

Sean and Lucas both facepalm themselves in utter stupidity before Sean leans his head up to him and says, "And you call yourself the lead singer of Spinal Tap."

"It's true, Mr. Green's stupidity just went all the way up to 11." Lucas replied, all before facepalming himself to a freeze-frame.

But here's what really happened.

Sean: (Narrating) WHAT?! ANOTHER GODDAMN ENDING?!

"Yeah, because just in case you weren't satisfied with the last two endings, there's another one!" Lucas exclaimed, "By goodness, this has more endings than a frickin' Choose Your Own Adventure book!"

"Well, who could have possibly done it this time?!" Sean hollered out.

Lucas: (Narrating) Since I'm gonna guess Wadsworth explains it all, I'll take the reigns for this one. Professor Plum killed the person who was originally believed to be Mr. Boddy, I'll explain later. Miss Peacock murdered the cook, Colonel Mustard murdered his own driver, Wadsworth makes Mrs. White trip on her own face, Mrs. White turned the power off and hung Yvette out to dry, all because she was jealous that her dead husband was banging the maid. But not without an explanation for her of course.

Mrs. White: Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her… so much. It… it… the… flame, flames… flames… on the side of my face. Breathing… breath,,, heaving breaths.

"Um, Mrs. White. Eat a Snickers." Sean replied as he pulled out a Snickers bar, "You're not you when you're hungry."

Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, Miss Scarlet murders the cop, which she admits to doing so, leaving Plum to accuse Mr. Green of murdering the guitarist from the Go-Gos, which he didn't do twice. And Mr. Green…

Mr. Green: The gun is missing. Whoever's got the gun shot the girl.

(Wadsworth pulls the gun from his pocket and shows it to everyone.)

Wadsworth: I shot her.

The guests: *to Wadsworth* You?

"HIM?!" Both Lucas and Sean gasped suspensefully.

Mr. Green: So it was you. I was gonna expose you.

Wadsworth: I know. So, I choose to expose myself.

Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present.

"Yeah, and not to mention kids too!" Sean nodded, "Geez, what is up with all the flashing puns all of a sudden?"

"I shudder to think of Tim Curry flashing his bits to the guests." Lucas said, shuddering a bit.

Lucas: (Narrating) The guests all seemed to think Mr. Boddy was dead and no one had met him tonight, until…

Mr. Green: *pointing to Wadsworth* You're Mr. Boddy!

(Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy laughs evilly.)

Both Sean and Lucas are left speechless with their jaws on the floor while the suspenseful "Dum-dum-dum" sound plays in the background.

(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd plays from the Star Wars Games episode)

AVGN: No, it's not true! That's impossible!

Lucas: (Narrating) Yep, turns out Wadsworth was Mr. Boddy all along. And for Professor Plum…

Professor Plum: Wait a minute! *points to the Study* So who did I kill?!

Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy: My butler.

"Who is also a punk rock singer as well." Lucas said, imitating Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy's voice.

Sean: (Narrating) As Wadsworth aka Mr. Boddy is about to make his way out of this mansion, Mr. Green informs him that the police will come any minute, but Wadsworth, I mean, Mr. Boddy begs to differ.

Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy: So, why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

Mr. Green: *takes his glasses off* And you'll just… you'll just go on blackmailing us all.

Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy: Of course, why not?

Mr. Green: Well, I'll tell you why not.

(Mr. Green draws out a gun from his sleeve and shoots Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy in the ribs. Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy is shocked and surprised.)

Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy: Oh, good shot, Green!

"No shit, that dude just Erron Black'd him!" Sean nodded a bit in surprise.

"Yeah, now that's what I call a fatality!" Lucas nodded as well, "Can you imagine that now?!"

(The clip of Mr. Green shooting Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy plays yet again, but Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy starts going down in slow motion.)

Sean: (v/o as Mortal Kombat 11 announcer) FATALITY. Mr. Green wins. Flawless Victory.

"Note to self: Mr. Green is the man." Sean smirked out.

Lucas: (Narrating) With Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy dead as a doornail, the guests soon learn about Mr. Green's intentions.

Mrs. White: Are you a cop?

Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.

Miss Scarlet: *to Green* A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green: Very funny. *pulls out badge* FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.

(Mr. Green then goes to the door.)

Mr. Green: Told you I didn't do it.

(He then opens the door, revealing it to be the police, who barge in and draw their guns at the guests.)

Sean, looking dumbfounded as he is, uttered out, "Well, sonuvabitch, looks like he didn't do it all along."

"Boy, were we stupid or what?" Lucas raised his eyebrow.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the rest of the guests are arrested with Mr. Green telling them they all did it. But not without leaving this surprise…

Mr. Green: But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall. With the revolver.

(The police chief pats him in the shoulder.)

Mr. Green: Okay, chief, take them away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

(Mr. Green then smiles as it goes into a freeze-frame. But the screen turns to gray and closes in on Mr. Green's face, which is now wearing Thug Life glasses and smoking a cigarette as "The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg plays.)

"Yeah, thug life for real." Lucas nodded once more.

"And that my friends was Clue," Sean replied, "And watching it right now, I gotta admit. It's actually not that bad!"

(Clips of the movie begin to play again as "Shake Rattle and Roll" from Bill Haley & The Comets plays in the background.)

Sean: (Narrating) I mean, seriously, this movie shouldn't deserve the hate it got from the critics when it was released back in '85. It definitely gave the fans who are big fans of the Clue franchise everything that it possibly deserved. An all-star cast of characters, exciting unpredictability, jokes that were actually top-notch with a mystery comedy flavor in between, and did we forget to mention Tim Curry's role in this movie? Sure, it may never come to like legendary levels of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, but it was definitely exciting and appealing nevertheless.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, this film may have turned Mr. Green into a clumsy klutz, Mrs. Peacock into a screaming banshee, Professor Plum into a horny dude and Miss Scarlet into a vivacious femme fatale/sex kitten, but hey, this film made their characters quite interesting. And even 35 years after it was released, it surprisingly holds up to this very day. So if the rest of you are aching for a mystery-comedy that has what you loved about the board games and all, this movie will definitely fill in that itch you've been looking for.

Sean: (Narrating) Got that right. And it's also the perfect movie for those who are stuck in this crappy lockdown as of this moment. But all negative real-world vibes aside, me and Lucas figured we'd finally solve this little mystery with a score it truly deserves: 4 revolvers out of 5.

"Well, that's finally it for our review of Clue, ladies and gentleman. And wow, what a drag it was to go through all three endings." Sean rolled his eyes with a sigh.

"Hey, it was worth it, nonetheless." Lucas replied before he turned to the camera and said, "Until next time, this right there is Sean The Mayhem Critic and I'm his best friend, and we'll see you-"

Before Lucas could finish that sentence and close out the episode though, Taylor's angry voice was heard off-screen and shouted at Sean, "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU RAT BASTARD?!"

"Yeah, we're outta here." Sean said to the camera as both he and Lucas high-tailed it out of the couch and went off-screen.

Right after they were gone though, Taylor finally entered the room looking all pissed-off when all of a sudden, she looks at the cameraman and says, "Where the hell did my idiot boyfriend go?!"

"I don't know where they went!" The cameraman shook his head.

But then, Taylor started to look down for some reason and then looked up to the cameraman and shouted, "Are those the keys you used to scratch my damn car?"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" The cameraman shouted in fear.

The screen then faded to black before it got cut-off with the sound of a gun-shot.

But seconds after the gunshot though, Taylor then muttered out with a groan, "Crap, I missed!"

Mayhem Critic Tagline - I didn't do it!

Man, I'm not gonna lie, but this took a very long time to get done, but you know what, it was all worth it because I did it for all of you, Mayhem Critic fans. Anyway, I want to thank Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for helping me out with this review. Hoping to do more stuff and reviews with him more often? Who knows? Maybe do a series retrospective? Maybe a fourth Commercials special? Or another awesome movie review? Well, that'll have to wait, because right now, since I'm a bit of a superheroic mood, next review will be the 1984 movie of a dumpster fire, "Supergirl". Is it as bad as expected? Heck, even worse than a crap-stained piece of kryptonite? Find out. Until then, if you want me to review any movie that's on your mind, lemme know by review or PM. Later!