The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

94. Episode 90: Commercials IV

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's that time again. It's time for another Commercials special! That's right, Sean and Lucas take a look at some of the most nostalgic commercials ever to hit our television screens. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Here's Commercials IV: A New Hope. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not involve anything involved in this story.

Episode Ninety

Commercials IV: A New Hope

We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a The Mayhem Critic, entering his bedroom, then walks over to the drawers to grab his "Cap 'n Crunch" t-shirt to put it on. He also made his way downstairs and entered the kitchen to grab himself a can of Canada Dry ginger ale from out of the refrigerator before giving Taylor a kiss on the cheek while she was busy making a cherry cheesecake. Sean finally arrives in the living room as audio from the Superman Returns trailer starts playing while Sean looks at the remote control that was sitting on the coffee table and his couch.

Jor-El: They can be a great people if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son.

Sean sits down on the couch, takes a sip of his ginger ale before grabbing the remote and the music ends.

"COMMERCIALS!" Sean yelled out.

(We see different clips of various commercials being shown in a montage)

Sean: (Narrating) Yep, it's that time to take a trip down memory lane as we take a look at the commercials of nostalgia's past. What is it about them that we're so drawn into them? And we're gonna take a look at them to see how memorable they are.

"Of course, I ain't gonna be doing it alone because…" Sean said as he looked over to the right and saw Lucas, aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever sit on the right side of the couch wearing a Slayer t-shirt with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajama pants.

"I'm gonna be joining him as always!" Lucas shouted out to the camera, "That's right, I'm here by popular demand just to give you the cream of the crop, the best of the best, the worst of the worst, the weird shit to end all weird shit. We're about to unload the most awesome, weird and godawful commercials you can shake a fuckin' stick at!"

"Since the first one was called "The Phantom Menace", the second one called "Attack of the Commercials" and the third one called "Revenge of the Commercials". So for this one, I'm going to call it "A New Hope". Roll it!" Sean said.

(We see the different bumpers from ABC Saturday Morning, Fox Kids Network, Kids WB, CBS Saturday Morning and NBC Saturday Morning)

(TV static transitions to: Nintendo Power Glove commercial from 1989)

(We see a teen walking into a dark room filled with fog. We see that he's wielding the Nintendo Power Glove. A big screen TV comes on and we see the teen getting ready to play)

Announcer: The Power Glove for your Nintendo Entertainment System. Now you and the games are one.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, before Xbox Kinect and Playstation VR, Nintendo came up with the Power Glove back in the 80s. When you look at it, you might think that this is the most awesome thing ever. Well, if you haven't seen the Angry Video Game Nerd talking about it, maybe this clip will let you know.

(A clip from the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the Power Glove is shown)

The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game?

"Okay, my mom never owned the Power Glove. What about you, Lucas? Ever owned the Power Glove?" Sean asked.

(A clip from the movie The Wizard is shown)

Lucas (Played by Jackey Vinson): I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.

"Not you! He was talking to me." Lucas points to Sean.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, this is the piece of shit from Nintendo that doesn't work. You have to be a God to master the Power Glove. For those of you who wanted to know how to work the damn thing is that you have to put these sensors on top of the television and in order to play a game with the Power Glove, you're gonna need to know what the program codes are. Yeah, you have to punch in a different code in order to play a game.

"Really? A goddamn code for you to play a game? Are you fucking kidding me?! Imagine playing Tekken 7 on the PS4 and instead of the touchpad on your controller, you have to type in a code to play the game. I would be pissed off like Akuma." Lucas said.

(We see the teen playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove as we see him acting like he's driving. He types in a code and he is seen playing Super Mario Bros. 2. He types in another code, this time he's playing Punch-Out as we see him acting like he is punching out a boxer. He turns to the camera with a smirk on his face)

Announcer: The Power Glove. Everything else is child's play.

"Because really, they make it look good in the commercials but in real life, it's a piece of shit." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) You know, I wish that I could be wielding Thanos' infinity gauntlet from Avengers: Infinity War so that way I can snap my fingers and make it turn into dust.

Lucas: (Narrating) And it's a good thing that they discontinued it back in 1990 because it's one of the all-time flops in Nintendo history. And you can thank God that Nintendo brought us something better than the Power Glove like the Super Nintendo, the Nintendo 64, the Gamecube and the Wii.

"And also, the Nintendo Switch." Sean said as he holds up his turquoise Nintendo Switch Lite.

Sean: (Narrating) To quote AVGN: "Now, you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fucking shit!"

Announcer: The Power Glove. Everything else is child's play.

(Lucas from The Wizard pops up next to the Power Glove)

Lucas: I love the Power Glove.

(TV static transitions to: Universal Wrestling Federation Superstars Cookies commercial circa 1992)

(The commercial opens up with a picture of three oatmeal cookie bags that has a picture of every respective wrestler in the bags themselves. The left one has a Steve Ray Oatmeal Raspberry Cookie bag, the middle one has a "Dr. Death" Steve Williams Oatmeal Pina Colada cookie bag, while the last one on the right has a cookie bag that reads "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff "The All-Natural" Oatmeal Cookies.)

Narrator (voiced by Gene Wood): Ok, wrestling fans, here's the latest thing to hit the UWF…

"Uh… what?" Sean raised an eyebrow.

Sean (Narrating): Okay, I'm not really familiar with this commercial, but since Lucas is a bigger wrestling nut than I am, I'll let him explain.

Lucas (Narrating): Gladly, Sean.

(The title card to UWF's Fury Hour pops up)

Herb Abrams: UWF, the Universal Wrestling Federation's… FURY HOUR!

(Clips of UWF's Fury Hour begin to play in a montage.)

Lucas (Narrating): For those of you wrestling fans who grew up in the 1990's, this little disasterpiece is called the Universal Wrestling Federation. If you're scratching your heads not knowing what this was, then I saved you a whole lot of trouble. Right as the WWF and WCW were dominating pro wrestling in the early 90's, this little engine that could was busy sputtering in the background thanks to the show UWF's Fury Hour, which was aired in the forgotten SportsChannel America. I reckon that would be ESPN Lite, I presume. The Universal Wrestling Federation sucked major ass, which was a good reason considering that league is now most remembered as both a topic that Brian Zane ripped apart on Wrestling With Wregret, and for the fact it was featured as a subject on an episode of VICE's Dark Side of the Ring.

"Those two you definitely have to check out to see what I mean." Lucas nodded to the camera again, "Because the tale about this forgotten wrestling league is something that needs to be seen to be believed."

(The scene now switches back to the commercial.)

Lucas (Narrating): Anyway, while WWF was still killing it with their delicious Ice Cream bars, the UWF foolishly attempted to 1-up the wrestling treats game with their boring UWF Superstars Cookies commercial.

Narrator: Introducing the UWF Superstars Cookies!

"Okay, what in the hell did Gene Wood ever do to deserve this?!" Sean groaned, "I mean, he's done a lot of announcer work for such popular game shows such as Card Sharks, Password, Love Connection and the ever-popular Family Feud. Was this some sort of goddamn punishment for him and the penalty was doing voicework for a lameass cookie commercial to promote a forgotten wrestling league that's less relevant than a flaming fart?"

"I swear, I have no clue who he pissed off in the back." Lucas shook his head, "Maybe Gene forgot to keep check on Ray Combs and his suicide watches."

Sean (Narrating): Well, we might as well see what kind of crap these people had to buy out of pity.

Narrator: We've got the Steve Ray Wild Thing cookie, our champ's favorite, the Steve Williams cookie, and besides all that, we've got the Paul Orndorff cookie!

"Not to mention, it's all being afforded by a cokehead who runs this dumpster fire of a federation!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the narrator.

Narrator: We also have four new kinds coming soon. The Bruno Sammartino, The Lou Albano, and the Herbie Cookie!

"Herbie cookie?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "What the fuck kind of flavor is that?"

Lucas then smirked before nodding, "Well, I can think of a good guess..."

(A picture of cocaine pops up on the screen while the song "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton plays in a small sound clip.)

"Yep, pure 100% cocaine." Lucas nodded again, "The only thing that Mr. Herb Abrams himself was known for backstage. You heard me right, that dude was a total cokehead."

"Definitely the reason why UWF feels like it's on drugs." Sean nodded as well.

Narrator: Now you've had the rest, now try the best. The Universal Wrestling Federation Superstar cookies. Look for all of them in your local supermarket, and UWF arenas around the country!

"Oh, that's just frickin' dandy because not once did my mom ever find one in the supermarket she was in!" Sean rolled his eyes, "And even if my mom did happen to buy one, she'd throw that shit away and choose the WWF Ice Cream Bars instead, because at least the WWE marketed their desserts right and for the fact that they tasted good! Who in the hell suggested to Herb Abrams that selling brands of oatmeal cookies distributed by a cokehound would be a good idea to begin with? I don't know, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this right away."

With his rant finished, Sean then grabbed the phone and started to dial an unknown number, which rang for a few times before someone picked it up.

"Yeah, hey operator, this is Sean J. Archer." Sean said to the phone, "Yes, I'm the Mayhem Critic, thank you very much. Look, is there a Mr. Herb Abrams available? I want to ask him why he never sold those bullshit cookies here in my state!"

Mumbling was then heard from the caller himself, which soon left Sean flabbergasted and surprised from the disappointed tone he soon had from his face.

"Huh? He died 24 years ago by having a cocaine-induced heart attack while in police custody after being found naked and covered in baby oil upon a high-rise building, chasing a hooker with a baseball bat?" Sean bulged his eyes, "Why in the hell didn't no one tell me that when I was four?"

Sean then felt disgusted on the inside all before hanging up the phone.

"Man, talk about a way to go out, huh?" Sean said to Lucas.

Lucas nodded before saying, "Yep, that's the legacy of a cokehead for you. Because if there's one thing his legacy was definitely known for here in this shitheap of a federation, let B. Brian Blair explain it to you, Sean."

(A clip of Dark Side of the Ring plays showing B. Brian Blair.)

B. Brian Blair: Herb Abrams left this world doing what he loved… cocaine and hookers.

(TV static transitions to: Time Life Music presents the Ultimate Love Songs Collection commercial from 2000)

(We open the commercial with Celine Dion singing "The Power of Love")

Celine Dion: (Sings) 'Cause I'm your lady. And you are my man.

Announcer: Imagine owning the world's greatest love songs, by the greatest voices of all time.

Sean: (Narrating) Oh, man. This commercial brings back. And I'm sure that everybody remembers seeing that commercial.

"Okay, let's say that you're watching something late at night on Cartoon Network back in 2000, what is it that you see?" Sean asked.

(We see the title screen for Space Ghost: Ghost to Coast)

"No, no. What is it that you come across?" Sean asked.

(We see the Cartoon Network bumper for Batman: The Animated Series)

Batman: I am vengeance… I am the night… I AM BATMAN!

"Okay, during the commercial break!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Time Life presents us some of the greatest love songs from some of our favorite singers, in one collection.

(We see Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram singing "Somewhere Out There")

Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram: (Sings) Somewhere out there if love can't see us through…

Announcer: Time Life Music presents the Ultimate Love Songs collection.

"Yeah, Time Life Music gives us commercials featuring songs from our favorite artists and showing us cheesy romantic scenes of couples walking on the beach." Lucas said.

"Let's see what songs are in this collection. Mr. Announcer, tell us." Sean said.

(We see a list of songs that's on the CD)

Announcer: 36 beautiful songs by all of our favorite artists.

(We see different artists like Luther Vandross, Rod Stewart and Gloria Estefan appearing on the commercial singing their songs like "Here and Now" "Have I Told You Lately" and "Anything For You".)

Announcer: Rod Stewart, Gloria Estefan. Get the Ultimate Love Songs Collection on two CDs for just $26.99.

"$26.99?" Sean asked.

"Well, I'm sure that there's a special price for when you order it." Lucas said.

Announcer: But wait, use your credit card and we'll take two dollars off.

(We then see the "These Dreams" music video by Heart)

Announcer: That's right. You'll get two CDs for just $16.99.

"$16.99, huh? Well, take my money." Sean said as he pulls out his wallet from out of his pocket.

Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, so we got all those great romantic love songs, but I have one question: where are the songs that you play while having sex? I'm sure that you have time to put those on your collection or was your collection just too good enough for them?

"You know, I would just love to see a commercial advertising some of the best songs to make love to." Lucas said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(Avant's music video "Makin' Good Love" starts playing)

Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Hello, ladies. Are you looking for some of the steamiest songs for you and your man?

(112 featuring Lil' Zane's "Anywhere" music video is shown)

Sean: (V/O) Well, look no further. Mayhem Life Music presents You and Me: The Ultimate Baby Making Song Collection. 36 of some of your favorite artists singing your favorite songs. Singers like Jodeci, R. Kelly, Barry White, Silk, Usher, Chris Brown, Marques Houston.

(The music video for Marques Houston's "Naked" is shown)

Sean: (V/O) Get You and Me: The Ultimate Baby Making Song Collection for just $26.99. But wait, if you call now and use your credit card, we'll take two dollars off. That's right, ladies. You'll get two CDs for just $16.99 and we'll throw in a free Brazzers DVD that contains a compilation of some of the hottest scenes.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

"A memorable commercial for all of us to remember that love is strong and we'll be singing our heads off to those classic songs." Sean said.

Announcer: Call now.

(TV static transitions to: American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons's "Sedentary" PSA from 2009)

(We see an old lady cleaning the bathroom sink while a pot of water is boiling on top of the stove.)

Old Lady: Winston!

Winston: Just one more inning, Grandma!

(The scene then switches to a chubby kid named Winston, who's playing a Super Nintendo.)

"Oh, goddamn it!" Sean groaned angrily to the camera.

Sean (Narrating): I can't tell you how much I fucking hate this lazy fatass kid. You can possibly tell because what you're seeing right here is a public service announcement that was made by our good folks down at the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons. And it shows what happens to kids when they don't get active and don't get the exercise they need like this little real life version of Eric Cartman we're seeing right here.

"The only difference is that he's not big boned, he's just fat." Lucas smirked evilly.

Narrator: Ever notice how many things today kids can do without actually moving?

(Winston opens up the garage door while sitting down far away.)

Narrator: A lot of things their parents used to do the hard way.

(Winston looks at a rake.)

"You mean like staring at a rake like what that kid's doing right now?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "That doesn't really sound that hard to do considering it sounds completely retarded."

(Winston sits in a lawn chair outside and blows all the leaves in an outside circle.)

Narrator: So many kids' activities today seem to leave out the "activity" part.

(The scene then switches to a dog walking on a treadmill with Winston hanging onto the leash while napping on a couch.)

Narrator: Which makes exercise more important for children.

"Unless if that fat kid continues to grow up looking like this big fat fuck right here." Lucas smirked as a picture of Jabba The Hutt from Star Wars popped up to the side.

"I totally weep for society if that's the case." Sean shook his head to the camera.

(Winston is now seen sipping on his grape soda through his straw while he's on the computer. He then opens up the phone and begins to answer.)

Narrator: In fact, new research tells us the best time to enhance bone development is during childhood and adolescence. Just getting children to walk an extra 35 minutes a day could spare them the pain of thinning bones later in life.

(Grandma gets up out of her chair and walks through the hallway with a walker, getting past Winston.)

Narrator: Healthy bones come from healthy habits. Encourage your kids to get up, get out and get moving.

"Well, trust me, that kid does NEITHER!" Sean growled to the camera, "All he does is sit on his fat ass, looks at rakes and sleeps like a hippie that just got stoned after an hour of doing PCP! And you wanna know something? I at least get out of my house every single time I get active."

"I swear, this kid wouldn't know active if he saw a bag of M&M's from a mile away and attempted to reach over it sitting his ass on that chair." Lucas growled in anger.

(The clip of Winston's grandma plays again, but this time in slow motion.)

Lucas (Narrating): Plus, what was the point of grandma having to get to the phone just to answer that call, when it's obvious that his fat ass grandson was in that room calling her. She should have just approached him right away instead of having to make that stupid call in the first place. Obviously, she should have noticed it right away!

(A clip of "The Big Bang Theory" plays showing Sheldon Cooper)

Sheldon Cooper (played by Jim Parsons): I weep for humanity.

(Back to commercial, where Grandma goes to the kitchen and answers her phone.)

Grandma: Hello?

Winston: Hey, grandma? How about another grape soda.

"Hey, kid! Why don't you get up off of your fat ass and go grab yourself another fucking grape soda? Or better yet, cut back on the soda and drink some water, you fucking idiot!" Sean yelled out.

"Hell, I'd be down to see both happen, if that's the case." Lucas nodded out

(Winston's grandmother gets off of the phone, then she looks over to the camera and gives the angry look)

Narrator: For more advice on how kids can build strong bones, visit . Public service announcement from the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons.

(We cut to Winston in bed and he uses The Clapper to turn off the light in his bedroom)

"Really, kid? You're using The Clapper? You know what, you ain't gettin' away with this one! Where the fuck does this little shit live? I'm gonna make him get up off of his ass and go exercise or I can go Erron Black on his ass. His choice!" Sean yelled out.

Before he actually could, Lucas stepped in and said, "Don't worry, I got this."

(Lucas brings out a shotgun and stood up out of his couch, shooting at the picture of Winston with a bullet hole around his head.)

"There, now the bastard's dead." Lucas growled, "That'll teach that fatass to respect his damn elders. What's the next commercial?"

"Let's see..." Sean nodded as he grabbed the remote and changed the channel.

(TV static transitions to: Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza commercial with Donald Trump and Ivana Trump from 1995)

(We open with Donald Trump and his ex-wife Ivana, who are getting ready for a night out)

Donald Trump: (While fixing his tie) Do you really think this is the right thing to do, Ivana?

"Son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out.

"Goddamn it!" Lucas yelled.

Ivana Trump: What will people think?

"People will think that your ex-husband is a sexist, racist scumbag who's sending this country to Hell in a handbasket." Lucas said.

Donald Trump: Let 'em talk.

Ivana Trump: (V/O) Donald.

Donald Trump: (V/O) Ivana.

(The two of them walk towards each other and stand in the middle of the room)

Donald Trump: It's wrong, isn't it?

Ivana Trump: But it feels so right.

"Okay, this commercial was made while future President Donald Trump was married to his mistress Marla Maples. Also, Ivana hated the bitch." Sean said.

Donald Trump: So, it's a deal?

Ivana Trump: Yes, we eat our pizza the wrong way. (Opens the pizza box from Pizza Hut, the pizza they're about to eat is the Stuffed Crust Pizza)

Donald Trump: Crust first. (Takes a bite of the crust first)

"Well, that's just great. Here we have President Trump and his ex-wife eating Pizza Hut's Stuffed Crust Pizza. That's grounds for impeachment right there." Lucas said.

Announcer: Introducing Stuffed Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut with a ring of cheese baked into a totally new thinner crust you'll want to eat it the wrong way, crust first.

Ivana Trump: May I have the last slice?

(Ivana tries to take the last slice of pizza, but Donald stops her)

Donald Trump: Actually, you're only entitled to half.

"He's letting his second ex-wife have the other half." Sean said, referring to Marla Maples.

Lucas: (Narrating) Man, this must be a nightmare to watch.

Sean: (Narrating) I was only three-years-old when that commercial aired. I couldn't believe it when I found out that the President of the United States eating my favorite pizza from Pizza Hut.

"I just can't believe it! Because of this commercial, I can't eat stuffed crust pizza anymore!" Sean yelled out as he picked up his phone and starts placing an order from the Pizza Hut app on his phone until Lucas began to notice.

"Please tell me you're not ordering the stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut knowing that our scumbag President appeared in the commercial?" Lucas asked.

"Fuck him. How about pepperoni pizza?" Sean asked.

"Sure, sounds fine." Lucas said. "And get some wings as well. With a side of fries."

Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess I can say that Donald Trump is making pizza great again.

Announcer: Large just $9.99.

(TV static transitions to: Snuggle commercial from 1983)

(We open the commercial with Snuggle the bear, who has a roll of fabric softener in his hands.)

Snuggle The Bear: Hi, I'm Snuggle, with big news! Now there's Snuggle fabric softener for the dryer!

(The fabric softener then rolls over to an empty Snuggle box.)

"Awwwwwwwww!" Both Sean and Lucas said, gushing right to the screen with puppy dog eyes shining across their face and squealing happily.

Sean (Narrating): Okay, we're not gonna lie. It's just so impossible to hate this commercial when this bear is included. That of course, is the Snuggle the bear, the mascot for this self-titled fabric softener he's promoting from this commercial from 1983.

"And it was thanks to that adorable son of a bitch that I have my clothes smelling like wonderful April fresh." Lucas said, grabbing his shirt.

"Same here with my shirt too." Sean nodded as he too also grabbed his own shirt before inhaling it through his nose, "Ahhhh, that's good ol' fashioned marijuana."

(Snuggle then starts to feel a soft blanket across his face.)

Snuggle The Bear: Snuggly softness that's really less expensive. (Incomprenshibly) snuggly soft with that mmmm special snuggle freshness.

"With a blanket so softer than Samantha Mack's entire cleavage combined!" Sean said, imitating Snuggle The Bear.

(Snuggle The Bear then holds a pile of socks around his arms.)

Snuggle The Bear: And look, clothes that don't cling to each other!

(Snuggle then throws the socks in the air before giggling.)

"That's right, you tell it like it is, Snuggle!" Sean nodded to the screen, "Let your adorable sweetness glow, my little fluffy friend."

"In fact, let us toast a tribute to the good times your fluffiness inspired many of our clothes to go squeaky-clean fresh." Lucas said as he toasted his can of Coors Light to Snuggle.

(A montage of Snuggle The Bear snuggling next to blankets and towels is then shown with "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago playing in the background. Clips of both Sean and Lucas rubbing their faces on their respective blankets in slow motion also begin to play to the song as well.)

(A clip of Ed, Edd n Eddy is shown featuring Kevin)

Kevin (voiced by Kathleen Barr): What a waste of life.

"Oh, fuck off, Kevin! You're ruining the moment!" Sean angrily shouted to the television before snuggling his face with his blanket, "Can't that bazooka-chin see that I'm in peace with myself."

"Same here," Lucas nodded as he continued to snuggle his face with his blanket himself. "Oh Snuggle, why must your adorableness bring us bliss?"

"I totally need to get this for Taylor now." Sean nodded with a dreamy sigh.

Snuggle The Bear: For snuggly softness that's static-free, try me!

Narrator: New Snuggle for the dryer. Snuggly softness that's really less expensive.

(TV static transitions to: Kix Commercial)

(We see a kid sitting in front of the table and he sees the big box of Kix Cereal)

Kid: That's a big box of cereal.

(The kid's brother walks up to the table and sits down)

Kid's Brother: Yep.

Kid: What's in it?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal. What the hell do you think, kid?" Sean asked.

Kid's Brother: Kix. (Opens the cereal)

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, this must be the world's dullest cereal. Hell, in the commercials, they practically list the things that aren't in it.

Various Kids: Crunchy little cornballs. No colors, no flavors. No junky stuff, no chocolate in 'em, there's no candy in 'em, no sugar sprinkles…

Sean: (Narrating) Seriously, this cereal is boring. You expect us to eat this stuff knowing that there's no sweet stuff in it?

Kid #3: Is that the kind with the marshmallow stuff?

Kid #1 and Kid #2: No.

"Does it have any chocolate?" Sean asked.

Kid #1 and Kid #2: No.

"Does it have any sprinkles in it?" Lucas asked.

Kid #1 and Kid #2: No.

"Do you like Brazzers better than Reality Kings?" Sean asked.

Kid #1 and Kid #2: No.

"Screw you, you little bastards! Brazzers is waaaaaayyyyy better than Reality Kings." Lucas said.

"I'll go for both. I have some of my favorites from Brazzers and Reality Kings." Sean said.

(We cut to a Kix commercial from 1996)

Sean: (Narrating) And check out this commercial from 1996. I remember seeing this on my Beetleborgs/Power Rangers Zeo tape that my grandmother made for me back in '96. We have these two kids heading downstairs to grab themselves a bowl of Kix and they try to do it very stealthily because they don't want to wake up their little sister.

Kid's Little Brother: Oh, Kix. Never had those.

Kid: They're good and they don't have chocolate or anything.

(He pours some Kix into a bowl, which makes some noise. The kid's brother gasps)

Kid: Shh! You-know-who.

Kid's Brother: (Loudly) I like 'em!

Kid: SHH!

"Dude, Solid Snake and Sam Fisher never made this much noise. You're gonna end up getting caught." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) And I love this little hilarious payoff. As the two of them are eating their Kix, they get an unexpected visitor.

(As the kid and his brother eat their cereal, they hear some noise and look over, only to see their little sister standing in the middle of the doorway, with her hands on her lips and with a frown on her face)

Kid and his brother: (Both) Uh-oh!

"Man, she was serious about her Kix. That was the look of a little girl wanting to kill her brothers for eating her cereal." Sean said. "Man, imagine the consequences for touching someone's Kix."

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Sean sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of Kix cereal while Lucas enters and notices him eating it)

Lucas: Whoa! What are you doing?

Sean: (Eating) Eating a bowl of cereal. What does it look like I'm doing?

Lucas: Well, you're eating Taylor's cereal. She is going to be pissed off if she sees you eating it.

Sean: Oh, relax! Just grab yourself a bowl and let's eat some Kix.

Lucas: Hey, I don't want to suffer the wrath of Taylor.

Sean: Oh, come on. What's she gonna do? She ain't gonna do jack shit.

Taylor: Sean!

(Sean and Lucas look over and see Taylor, who's armed with an Uzi)

Sean and Lucas: Uh-oh!

(It cuts to black as we hear gunfire. We then cut to Taylor, who's sitting in the kitchen eating her bowl of Kix, with a satisfied look on her face. The camera zooms out only to reveal Sean and Lucas' dead bodies lying on the kitchen floor)

Taylor: Shouldn't have touched my Kix.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

"Yeah, cereal that kids love, you'll end up dead if you touch them." Sean said.

Announcer: Kix: Kid tested. Mother approved.

(TV static transitions to: AT&T Techno Twins commercial from 2008)

(The commercial opens with a man named Craig, who hops off the top of the bunk bed and stands on the floor while the other Craig is seen sitting on the bottom of the bunk bed looking annoyed while trying to read in the back. Right behind Craig is a bunch of guys who are dancing to rave music. The one guy has spiky blonde hair, a green tanktop and black jeans, while the other guy beside him is dancing has spiky black hair, blue tanktop, and black jeans.)

Craig's Phone: Beep. Hey, Craig's phone! Craig doesn't have AT&T so we got zero bars here in Brussels!

"But it's perfectly alright since we've got Oktoberfest!" Lucas said, imitating Craig, "Where beer and busty babes galore! Plus I'm stuck in a room with freaky-ass strangers dancing like tarts!"

Sean (Narrating): I just love everything about this commercial. It was one of those commercials AT&T put out in the late 2000's where someone's phone is talking in human form while the other human is busy reading a book like this Craig guy is doing. While that's going on, we get these two techno-loving freaks dancing in the background, hencewhy they're named the Techno Twins.

"And yet here's a little fun fact about one of the Techno Twins," Lucas replied to the camera before smirking, "One of them actually grew up to be Sasuke from Naruto. Believe it!"

Craig's Phone: So thanks for the call about hopping on the train and heading to Paris for the weekend. Looks like you won't be hearing from us!

"And if you indeed heard from us, you'll find us drunk and past out in an empty hotel room sleeping with Sophie Dee, Richelle Ryan and Lisa Ann in a hot sixway!" Sean said, still imitating Craig's voice, "I'm sure it hasn't happened yet, but I guarantee you it will!"

Craig's Phone: Instead, we're gonna hang at this hostel with the Techno Twins, Slad and Vitor!

(Vitor starts to dance close to Craig's Phone while Craig is now laying on the bed with a pillow drowning out Craig's entire ears in annoyance.)

Craig's Phone: Whoo!

"So it looks like that six-way's out of the question then." Lucas groaned, "But no problem, I'll handle Sophie, Richelle and Lisa to myself then."

"I'll handle the seconds as well." Sean nodded before replying, "In fact, the things I would do to those three fine busty honeys is so naughty, I'm gonna list them all for you. First off, I'd-"

While Sean was talking about the dirty things he was gonna do, another Sean appeared on-screen from the left and sat right next to Sean. Only this time, the other Sean happened to be Sean's Phone in human form.

"Beep, Sean's phone here!" Sean's Phone said to the camera, "Sean can't come to the phone right now. He's out here doing one of his commercial specials with his best friend right there, talking about the naughty things they would do to three hot smoking adult film stars. So Taylor, if you were calling me, I'm sorry I accidentally blew up your Cardi B album with a flare gun. I meant to shoot that godawful Spice Girls album. I don't know why the hell you'd own that album in the first place, but I totally meant to blow that one up instead. And no, I'm not reviewing that crappy Spice World film either, so let's leave it at that!"

And then, Sean's Phone walked right away just as Sean was finally ending his rant.

"...finally blowing like a geyser." Sean smirked out, "That's what I totally want to happen."

"Hell yeah, I'd do the same too." Lucas nodded with a wink.

Narrator: For the best coverage, switch to AT&T. More bars, more places.

(The scene switches to an image of an LG Shine phone.)

Narrator: For a limited time, get our exclusive LG Shine for only $49.99

"Shitty-ass reception from Europe thankfully not included." Lucas reminded to the camera.

(TV static transitions to: Got Milk? commercial)

(The commercial opens with a man sitting in a diner eating some pancakes, and a cook puts a glass of water down on the table)

Man: (Mouthful) Can I get some milk, please?

Cook: (Points to the woman nearby) She's got the last one.

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, these have to be the funniest milk commercials ever. Back in 1993, I was only a year old, the advertising agency Goodby Silverstein & Partners were hired by the California Milk Processor Board because milk sales were down and they created this advertising campaign to encourage the consumption of milk.

"You all probably remember their old advertisement campaign." Lucas said.

(One commercial is shown, featuring a little girl with a crush on a boy and we see the iconic slogan)

Female Announcer: Milk. It does a body good.

"Yeah. Like that will have a big effect on people." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.

(Another commercial is shown)

Lucas: (Narrating) But the catchphrase that has only two words "Got Milk?", you got yourself the makings of a hilarious commercial.

(The commercial is shown of a priest grabbing himself a piece of chocolate cake from the vending machine and starts eating it. His mouth is full, then he sees a carton of milk in the vending machine and tries to get it. He finds himself in an uncomfortable situation as the milk has trouble getting out of the vending machine. The priest bursts into a fit of rage and starts beating up on the vending machine, hitting and kicking it as he breaks the glass. He turns around and sees the nuns standing and he smiles at them. Then, we cut to the slogan)

Announcer Got Milk?

(Cut to a commercial where two kids are playing Super Mario 64 and they're having difficult jumping to a platform on Wet-Dry World. They stop playing and leave the room as Mario comes out of the television and makes his way over to the refrigerator and drinks the gallon of milk, which makes him grow big)

"Hey, Mario needs his milk so he can make it up to that godforsaken platform." Lucas said.

(Another commercial is shown, involving a woman and her children)

Mother: Drink your milk, kids.

Son: I don't want milk. Milk's for babies.

Daughter (Played by Carly Schroeder): Yeah, babies.

Mother: Oh, yeah? Well, I happen to know that milk helps build strong bones. So drink up.

Son: Well, Mr. Miller told me he never drinks milk. Look at him.

Daughter: Yeah.

(We see Mr. Miller doing some yard work)

Mr. Miller: (Waves to the kids) Hey, kids!

(They wave back to Mr. Miller. He then picks up the wheelbarrow that's filled with dirt and rock, he ends up having his arms fall off. The two of them start screaming in horror)

Mr. Miller: (Sees that his arms have fallen off) Oh, that's not good.

(The boy immediately grabs his glass of milk and starts drinking his glass of milk while his mother does the same and so does his sister and we see her drinking out of the milk carton)

"Yeah, kids! If you don't drink your milk, your arms fall off like Mr. Miller because the old fart should've drank his milk." Sean said.

(Another commercial is shown, where we see a man, played by Harland Williams, and he ends up buying some Cheerios, Wheaties and Trix)

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this one is cruel right here. They make you think that you're watching a Trix commercial.

Cashier: Trix are for kids! (Laughs)

(The man pays the cashier and runs off. He makes it to his apartment and locks his door, then throws down the box of Cheerios and Wheaties, he still has the box of Trix in his hands as he makes it over to the table and sits down)

Man (Played by Harland Williams): Finally… after all these years of "Trix are for kids! Trix are for kids!". Well, today…

(The man unzips himself to reveal the Trix Rabbit underneath)

Trix Rabbit: ...they're for rabbits!

(He laughs hysterically before grabbing the carton of milk to start pouring, but only a drop comes out and his eyes widen in shock)

Announcer: Got Milk?

(A clip from Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too? is shown)

Marcus Williams (Played by Michael Jai White): You're so damn evil!

"That's what happens when you're disguised as the state trooper from Dumb and Dumber. Get a better disguise, you dumbass." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) These ads were so popular, they were being mentioned in movies, such as…

(A clip from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps is shown)

Buddy Love (Played by Eddie Murphy): (As a toddler, he latches onto an attractive busty blonde woman) Mmm, got milk?

(The woman screams, dropping Buddy as he grabs onto her blouse, causing it to rip and reveal her bra-covered breasts)

"My favorite kind of milk is Alura Jenson's jugs." Lucas smirked naughtily.

(We cut to the very first "Got Milk?" commercial from 1993, which takes place in a museum dedicated to Alexander Hamilton. The historian, played by Sean Whalen, is listening to some classical music on the radio while he fixes himself a peanut butter sandwich)

Sean: (Narrating) And check out this classic commercials, which is in fact the very first "Got Milk?" commercial from 1993 and this is by far one of the best commercials ever. And it's the one that started it all. We see a man who's obsessed with Alexander Hamilton fixing himself a peanut butter sandwich when he receives a phone call from the radio station's $10,000 trivia question on who shot Alexander Hamilton.

Radio Announcer (Played by Rob Paulsen): Who shot Alexander Hamilton in that famous duel?

(The owner realizes that he has the artifacts revolving around the famous duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr)

Radio Announcer: All right. Let's go to the phones and see who's out there.

(The phone rings and the man answers it)

Historian (Played by Sean Whalen): (Mouthful) Hello?

Radio Announcer: (On phone) Hello. For $10,000, who sho-

Historian: (Mouthful) Aaron Burr.

Radio Announcer: (On phone) Excuse me?

Historian: (Mouthful) Aaron Burr. Oh, hold on, let me get some milk.

(The man takes the carton of milk and pours it in a glass, but little milk comes out)

Historian: (Mouthful) NO!

Radio Announcer: (On phone) I'm afraid your time is almost up.

Historian: (Mouthful) Aaron Burr!

Radio Announcer: (On phone) I'm sorry. Maybe next time.

(The call ends, a dial tone is heard and the man starts sobbing)

Historian: (Mouthful) Aaron Burr…

(We then see the slogan)

Announcer: Got milk?

"My God. This commercial is brilliant. I mean, one of the best commercials ever!" Sean said, looking amazed.

"I know! It is absolutely genius. I wonder who's the guy who directed the commercial." Lucas said.

"Me too. I want to know who the director is so I can shake his hand." Sean said.

(TV static transitions to: Up All Knight with Chad Knight)

We then transition to Chad Knight's review show Up All Knight as we see Chad sitting in his black leather reclining chair while sipping on iced coffee.

"Well, I'm glad that you asked that question, Sean." Chad said.

"Oh, great. Chad Knight wants to hijack the show." Sean said.

"Who the hell is this asshole?" Lucas asked.

"Lucas, this is Chad Knight from his show Up All Knight. He reviews cult classics, late night movies and television shows." Sean said.

"Is this the guy who reviewed Tango & Cash with you?" Lucas asked.

"Yep." Sean said.

"What does he want?" Lucas asked.

"Not sure." Sean said.

"Just listen to what I say. I'll tell you." Chad said.

"Alright, you Cinema Snob wannabe. Why don't you tell us who directed the commercial." Lucas said.

"Well, the very first "Got Milk?" commercial is directed by none other than this guy." Chad said.

(A picture of Transformers director Michael Bay is shown)

Sean and Lucas both look at the camera in shock after finding out that Michael Bay was the director of the classic commercial.

"No." Sean said.

(We see some of Michael Bay's movies, including Transformers and it's sequels, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, Pain and Gain and Pearl Harbor are shown)

"You can't be serious." Lucas said, not believing his eyes.

(Various photos of Michael Bay are shown)

"I… don't… believe this. Bay? Michael frickin' Bay. He directed this masterpiece?" Sean asked.

"That's right. The man who loves to put big-ass explosions in his movies directed it." Chad said.

Chad: (Narrating) Yeah, Michael Bay directed the commercial. And yes, it's one of the most famous commercials of all time. You know, I'm just glad that he didn't put any explosions in it. Thank God.

"You know, the 30th anniversary of that commercial is in three years. I wonder how they're going to do that." Lucas said.

"He'll probably direct it and add explosions in it." Sean said.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Lucas said.

"So, you guys need anything? I see that you're talking about commercials. I have a list of commercials that we can talk about." Chad said.

"Uh, no. That's okay, Chad. Lucas and I already got that under control." Sean said.

"Oh no, no, no. I can tell you." Chad said.

"It's fine, Chad. We're good." Lucas said.

"Here's a list." Chad said as he picks up a piece of paper containing a list of commercials. "Let's see there's a Maxwell House commercial from 1986 featuring Justine Bateman from Family Ties. There's also another commercial with her brother Jason. Maybe there's a Golden Grahams commercial featuring Jason from 1980. How about a Pepsi commercial from 1992 featuring Cindy Crawford…"

"How long is he going to talk?" Lucas asked.

"Allow me." Sean said as he picks up the remote.

"Wait, there's a McDonalds commercial…" Chad said as the audio mutes him from talking.

"Better. Much better." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Whenever you're in an uncomfortable situation with food in your mouth, there's only one question to ask…

Announcer: Got Milk?

(TV static transitions to: Mortal Kombat "Mortal Monday" commercial from 1993)

Teenager: (Yells) MORTAL KOMBAT!

(We see the words "Prepare Yourself" on the screen before cutting to gameplay footage from the game)

Sean: (Narrating) Oh, hell yes. Now we're talking.

Lucas: (Narrating) The rest of you fans oughta know this one. This is the famous "Mortal Monday" commercial promoting the biggest arcade craze to ever hit home consoles, "Mortal Kombat"!

"Trust us, this was like the biggest moment in American history, next to frickin' BeatleMania, the moonlanding, Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech, and last night when I tried virtual reality sex for the first time." Lucas smirked out, "By that, we… meant… BIG."

"Just how big exactly you may ask?" Sean raised his eyebrow to the camera before smirking, "Well, let's just say it's pretty much Nick Manning-sized, and that's all you need to know!"

(We now see rows of people walk around the streets while the teenager continues to yell out "Mortal Kombat" over and over again.)

Lucas: (Narrating) This kid knows how to shout it, shout it, shout it out loud. He loves Mortal Kombat and this crowd is hearing his voice because they know they want to love it too!

Teenager: MORTAL KOMBAT!

(The people then start running towards the streets now.)

Narrator: MORTAL KOMBAT!

"Did you all hear that, everyone?" Lucas said to the camera, "That is the loud roaring voice that launched a friggin' fighting game generation. No amount of aggressive voices can come greater than those two single words."

(Gameplay of the SNES version of Mortal Kombat begin to show up)

Sean: (Narrating) Although, I do have one problem regarding this commercial. Why on earth are they showing gameplay of the Super Nintendo version of Mortal Kombat? Didn't anyone tell them that was the lame version? You know, the ones that had blood replaced with sweat and the fatalities sucked, especially when Johnny Cage's foot disappears right as you kick him? That one was lamer than Liu Kang's fatalities put together. Would it made more sense if they started airing gameplay of the Genesis version instead. That was the good version of the game, because not also you'd get the blood code, but at least you'd have this…

(A clip of Sub-Zero doing his spine rip on Kano on the Genesis version of Mortal Kombat is shown.)

Lucas: (Narrating) Now that's what I call real Mortal Kombat.

"Take note that this game was very important for one reason, and one reason only," Sean said as the ESRB label appeared beside him and Lucas, "And that was the formation of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. I mean, why do you think every parent and every head of government got frightened by shit like this? It was about the blood and gore. Nowadays it's pretty much tame, but 28 years ago, it was a frickin' big deal."

"I kinda assume they were the millennials of the 90's," Lucas nodded to the camera, "Just possibly offended by everything they see."

(A kid is shown being part of a mosh bit before switching to more gameplay footage that ended with Goro throwing Sub-Zero right to the floor. The kid then throws his fists in the air before it switched to text that said "MORTAL MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13)

"Now THAT is frickin' hardcore." Sean pointed out, "I swear, Mortal Monday should've been a national holiday every year. I mean, if Super Bowl Sunday's a thing, why not make Mortal Monday a thing too?"

"I know, same here!" Lucas nodded with a smirk. "But then again, that would mean that Ed Boon and John Tobias would have to create one Mortal Kombat game every single year. If that was the case in an alternate universe, then count me and Sean in!"

Sean then nodded out as he said, "That would be a universe worth living under."

"Minus the lousy-ass Mortal Kombat Annihilation movie of course," Lucas nodded out before grabbing, "Okay, anything else on?"

(TV static transitions to: Ireland Anti-Speeding PSA)

(The commercial begins as we see some kids in school getting ready to leave the classroom to go out for a field trip while in the background a sentimental version of the song "Sweet Child o' Mine" plays)

Female Singer: She's got a smile it seems to me…

"Well, this looks like a very pleasant commercial." Sean said with a smile on his face.

(In the ad, we see a man running to his car before we cut to the kids who are walking through the woods and catching fish with nets before we cut to the man driving and we cut back to the children who are playing ring around the rosey around the tree)

"Awww, it's just some kids playing. Yeah, this is a normal commercial." Lucas said.

(We see the children sitting on the ground as we cut to the boy from earlier playing with a toy car as the toy car goes down a sloped surface)

"Okay, this looks like a normal car commercial. I guess this is from either Ford or Subaru or Toyota." Sean said.

"I know. We have some nice, soothing music and perfect cinematography. I'm sure this is gonna turn out just…" Lucas said.

(Suddenly, the man in his car is speeding down the road towards the turn in the road. Then, the car rolls over, out of control and crashes through a stone wall, which lies behind the picnic grounds where the children are as we cut back to Sean and Lucas, whose eyes both widen in shock. We cut back to the commercial as the man in the car screams as his car rolls right at the children, who all scream helplessly)

"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed as he leans back in his seat in terror.

Lucas: (Narrating) Jesus!

(The car rolls over the children, killing them. The children all lay dead and the boy with the toy car drops his hand open and the toy car falls out)

"OH, MY GOD!" Sean yelled out.

(We cut to the empty classroom)

Announcer: Since 2000, speeding has killed a classroom of our children…

"What in the holy flaming fuckballs did I just watch?" Lucas asked.

(We see the words "Shame On You" on the screen)

Announcer: Shame on you.

"The hell did I do wrong? I didn't do anything! Don't blame it on me! You're the one that showed us a bunch of flattened kid getting wiped out in one shot by Evel Knievel over there!" Sean yelled out.

"That's not a car commercial, that's the Grim Reaper calling them to let them know that they're gonna die today on their field trip!" Lucas exclaimed.

"Okay, who in their right mind thought that this was a good idea?" Sean asked.

(We see the name of the country "Ireland" and a picture of it's flag)

"Oh! My people. I can't believe this. I'm part Irish and I can't believe what I just saw! MY PEOPLE! You're sick, Ireland! YOU'RE SICK! We're keeping Liam Neeson, Brendan Gleeson, Niall Horan, Bono and Pierce Brosnan. You can keep your pancake kids!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) In fact, this PSA got some backlash, that it was allowed to be only shown after 9pm.

"Yeah, can you imagine watching something on NBC and then they show this PSA." Lucas said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Sean returning to the living room with some freshly popped popcorn in a Star Wars tin)

Sean: (Sits down on his couch) Great. Got my popcorn and I got my can of Mountain Dew Liberty Brew. Now, it's time to watch some more Family Ties. (Sees that the PSA is on before returning to Family Ties) What's this?

(Sees the scene of the car rolling over and killing the kids)

Announcer: Shame on you.

(A shocked look appeared on Sean's face before we cut to a post-commercial bumper for Family Ties)

Brian: (V/O as Announcer) We now return to Family Ties.

Sean: (Grabs the remote and turns the television off and yells) TAYLOR!

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Lucas: (Narrating) What were they thinking? This is too intense!

(The scene of the car rolling over and killing the kids is shown again once more)

"STOP SHOWING US THAT, YOU MONSTERS!" Sean yelled out.

Announcer: Shame on you.

"No, shame on you for killing kids, Ireland!" Lucas yelled out

"Can we get to the next commercial, please? I do not want that image of the car bowling a perfect strike on the children. Before we cut to the next commercial, let's check on Chad." Sean said.

(Sean immediately pulls out the sidebar with Chad still talking about commercials)

"There's a Grape Nuts commercial which featured the legendary comedian Phil Silvers from the 1950s. If you like steak, I can find you a Sizzler commercial that will make your mouth water or you can take a look at Trump Steak." Chad said.

(Sean pushes the sidebar away with an annoyed look on his face)

"Let's go to the next commercial." Sean said.

(TV static transitions to: Pizza Hut commercial featuring Crash Bandicoot from 1999)

(We see Crash Bandicoot walking up next to a Pizza Hut, obviously to one of the windows where he sees a family eating Stuffed Crust Pizza the wrong way. He tries to tap on the glass in order to get the family's attention.)

"Thank goodness, an actual Pizza Hut commercial where our President isn't actually shown for once!" Sean sighed in relief.

"Now this is something I prefer any day!" Lucas nodded.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, we all know what you're thinking, is video game superstar Crash Bandicoot trying to creep up on a family as they try to eat their Stuffed Crust pizza? Well, let's see what happens from here, okay?

(Crash tries to talk to the family through the window, but his voice his muffled, which is making it hard for the family to understand what he's saying. Crash then picks up a megaphone and turns it on.)

Crash Bandicoot: Turn the pizza around. It's stuffed crust. You eat it backwards!

Pizza Hut Manager: Hey!

Crash Bandicoot: There he is.

(Crash walks away.)

"Oh, come on, what on earth did Crash do?" Lucas groaned, "He was just trying to inform a family on how to eat a Stuffed Crust pizza the right way. Hell, I do it too."

"Same here. Hell, I show Taylor how to eat a Stuffed Crust pizza the right way and she ends up eating the pizza first and eats the crust last. You're supposed to eat the crust first, Taylor!" Sean shouted at the camera.

"Screw you, Sean!" Taylor shouted off-screen, "I eat it anyway I want!"

Sean looked to the right and shrugged, "Eh, all right then."

Pizza Hut Narrator: In case you forgot, you're supposed to eat Stuffed Crust backwards. With the ring of cheese baked right into the crust, it's the most fun you can have with a pizza.

"Not to mention it's most fun when you have Crash Bandicoot in your commercial." Lucas nodded. "That dude knows how to make that shit sell like hotcakes!"

Sean: (Narrating) Looking at that commercial now, I'm kinda glad Crash Bandicoot saved Stuffed Crust pizza for me after it got stained to hell thanks to that fat orange loaf that's our president.

"In fact, can I make a suggestion?" Sean said to the camera, "Can we have Crash Bandicoot for President this year? I swear with that megaphone of his, he could look like the guy who knows how to get crap done."

"You think Trump is really making America great again, oh no." Lucas shook his head before shouting, "Crash is gonna make America N-Sane again! I could see it all now!"

(Cutaway Gag begins)

(We see Sean, who is dressed like Crash Bandicoot, is stepping into a presidential podium. His girlfriend Taylor is standing right to the side dressed like Tawna Bandicoot while Lucas is also standing to the right, dressed up as Crunch Bandicoot. Plus, the presidential theme "Hail to the Chief" is also playing tight in the background.)

"My fellow Americans, I have come to you all with a message…" Sean said to the crowd of thousands, "A message that will be more insane than you can all manage: A message that we will not fall to the man who looks like a big fat orange monkey. A message that us proud Americans are working hard to understand: That is if you must eat Stuffed Crust pizza, eat it backwards! Remember that I reminded you of that message that 22 years ago. Take it to heart and one more thing? Who wants to do the Crash dance with me?"

(A row of people is shown raising their hands in approval.)

"Alrighty then, let's dance, mates!" Sean shouted as he, Taylor and Lucas began to do the signature Crash dance in front of everyone watching.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Sean smirked as he nodded, "Now that would be frickin' awesome."

"It would," Lucas nodded to before saying to the camera, "Don't forget to trend the hashtag #Crash2020, everyone! It's about damn time we bring a bandicoot to the White House!"

Pizza Hut Narrator: Pizza Hut, the best pizzas under one roof.

(We now see Crash Bandicoot standing next to the Pizza Hut manager.)

Pizza Hut Manager: *to Crash* You'd like to work here?

(Crash then pats him in the shoulder.)

Crash Bandicoot: *to Manager* I'm not housebroken.

(TV static transitions to: Fuddruckers Commercial from 1984)

(We open the commercial with three women standing by the counter looking at something)

Woman: You won't believe how big it is!

(One of her friends make a shocked look on her face while the other covers her ears)

Woman: (Holds her hands out showing how big something) We are talking…

(Her friend covers her mouth before she could finish what she was about to say)

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face.

(We cut to a burger with fries and lettuce on a plate)

Singer: Get fresh at Fuddruckers.

"To repeat what my friend here said, what?" Lucas asked with a confused look on his face.

(We cut to two baseball players standing by the butcher shop)

Baseball Player: (Grabs his friend and turns him to face forward to look at something) Look at those buns. (Groans)

(We see a woman holding a tray with freshly baked buns from the oven as she looks at the camera and smiles)

Singers: Get fresh at Fuddruckers.

"Are we watching a burger commercial or are we watching porn here?" Sean asked.

"I do not want to know what they use on the burgers instead of mayonnaise." Lucas said.

Announcer: Everything's fresh at Fuddruckers. That's why it's the best burger you ever tried to put in your mouth.

(We cut to an eldery couple sitting in a car. The elderly man has his arm around his wife and he's closer towards her)

Elderly Man: Want to do Fuddruckers tonight?

Elderly Woman: Ooh, what of a girl do you think I am?

(They both start laughing)

"Grandma, grandpa!" Sean yelled out.

"Oh, great! Now grandpa wants to give grandma his special sauce. Ewww!" Lucas shuddered.

(A man looks back at the three women, then takes a bite out of his burger while the three women gasp in amazement)

Singers: Get fresh at Fuddruckers.

"You know what you're doing there. I know what that gasp meant. You know what you're doing, buddy." Sean said with a poker-face.

(The women gasp as the man takes a bite out of his burger)

"I guess those three women couldn't wait to get a taste of that big, juicy meat in their mouths." Lucas said.

"Just listen to how many innuendos there are in that commercial." Sean said.

Woman: You won't believe how big it is! We are talking…

Baseball Player: Look at those buns! (Groans)

"Okay, I think that dude needs to change his pants because he just jizzed a little." Lucas said.

"Boy, do commercials tend to get a little racy? I mean, is there another commercial out there that's racy?" Sean asked.

(TV static transitions to: Banned Skittles Commercial)

(We see a newlywed couple in their hotel room having sex. We see the groom thrusting into his extremely hot bride from behind)

Husband: Is it cold in here?

Wife: (Moans) No, it's hot. Give me some sugar, sugar daddy.

"NO! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!" Sean exclaimed as he walked out of the living room.

(The husband moans as he continues to thrust in and out of his wife and he feels himself getting ready to unload)

Husband: Get ready for my sweetness! Oooh, it's about to come, it's about to come! Oooh! Turn around!

(He stops thrusting as his wife turns around. He releases a prolonged moan as he delivers the money shot to her, shooting Skittles candy all over her and in her mouth)

Husband: All over you.

Announcer: Share the rainbow. Taste the rainbow.

"Okay, I didn't know that we're taking about a Brazzer-style commercial for Skittles." Lucas said.

"I think we need some Jim Ross commentary on this one." Sean said.

(As the husband pulls the Skittles money shot on his wife)

(A sound clip from WWE Monday Night Raw plays)

Jim Ross: (V/O) I'll have some right now. Some fruity delicious! Delicious fruity! Oh, I love them Skittles!

"No wonder this commercial was banned, this nerdy guy was shooting loads like Nick Manning!" Lucas exclaimed.

"This just makes me not want to eat Skittles. I'm never eating Skittles again. Thanks a lot." Sean said.

Announcer: Share the rainbow. Taste the rainbow.

Jim Ross: (V/O) Oh, I love them Skittles!

(TV static transitions to: Chuck E. Cheese's "Smile America" commercial from 1983)

(We see a little girl entering a restaurant where she sees a big rat sneak through and wave right at her. The little girl then waves back.)

Singer: You can smile America at Chuck E. Cheese...

"Um, little girl, I wouldn't wave at that child predator if I were you." Sean said to the camera.

Lucas smirked before saying, "Trust us, we had Chris Hansen check that place not too long ago."

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, we're just messing around. What we're actually seeing is that familiar "Smile America" commercial from our good friends down at Chuck E. Cheese. Also known as Pizza Time Theatre if you want a longer title.

"Although looking at the opening, maybe they could've named this place Kid E. Predator because of that big-ass rat." Lucas smirked out before saying, "Once again, we're only kidding."

(The little girl then holds the Chuck E. Cheese mascot and heads over to the playroom.)

Singer: Smile America at Chuck E. Cheese.

Chorus: We've got games and all kinds of creatures, or taste Pizza Time Theatre. Smile America at Chuck E. Cheese!

(We then see the robotronic animals singing before switching over to see an old man eat an olive-only pizza. It then switches to the little girl continuing to walk with Chuck E. Cheese.)

"Okay, I'll admit, I'm getting a little uncomfortable watching this." Sean said with a big gulp on his throat, "Shouldn't her mother be with that little girl?"

"She should, otherwise I'm gonna think Chuck E. Cheese is some sort of idiot kidnapper!" Sean nodded, fearing the worst.

(We then see Chuck E.'s face pop up through a row of balloons, followed by a kid blowing candles out of a birthday cake, which is also followed by other shots of kids.)

Lucas: (Narrating) Boy, those little kids and their little shit-eating grins on their faces. I wonder if anyone's gonna tell them they actually stepped into Freddy Fazbear's Pizza instead?

"If they did, you can imagine a lot of dead kids getting stuffed into those animatronic robots for sure." Sean smirked over to Lucas.

Chorus: We've got games and all kinds of creatures, or to taste Pizza Time Theatre...

(We then see the same little girl crawl out of a cheese-like hole and yet again walks with Chuck E. Cheese along with another kid. She then tries to eat her pizza before a furry purple monster creeps up on the girl, surprising her. The next shot shows a pig-tailed girl splitting a pizza in half before it switches to a big kid filling up his plate at a salad bar.)

"Oh, that's real nice kid, you ain't gonna share your salad with everyone?" Sean groaned, "You know kids need their vegetables too! Otherwise we'd stuff our faces with Flintstone vitamins instead!"

(A clip of The Flintstones plays showing Fred Flintstone's face turning red and popping his hair off in anger.)

"You see that?" Lucas said, pointing to the clip, "That's what happens to people who don't get the salad they want thanks to that fat salad-hogging kid."

(The little girl then runs right over to her mother and hugs her. Then she sees Chuck E. Cheese flick his nose right at her.)

"Ok, ew!" Sean groaned, "I don't want to see any commercial where some rodent goofball looks like he's flicking damn boogers at people!"

"Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid." Lucas said to the camera before adding, "And apparently, a place where a sick-ass rodent wants to kidnap your kids. That's 1983 for you."

(The young girl flicks her nose right at the rat.)

Chorus: *singing* Smile America at Chuck E. Cheese! Oooooooh...

(TV static transitions to: Batman & Robin toy commercial from 1997)

Announcer: Blasting into action with the secrets of the Batcave. Batman & Robin!

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, remember when Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin came out back in '97 and this whole movie was just some big toy commercial just to sell toys? Well, you can get the toys, kids!

(We see Mr. Freeze in action figure form and the Heat Scan Batman action figure)

Announcer: Mr. Freeze launches a shivering shockwave, but Heat Scan Batman deploys his thermal sensors. His ice pummeling projectile makes Freeze sweat! Next, Robin's ice armor and blade launcher makes Freeze pay!

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, remember when Batman and Robin had that in the movie?

"From what I recall from what I saw in the movie, Batman and Robin had costumes with Bat-asses and Bat-nipples." Lucas said.

(We cut to a second commercial)

Man: Who defends this city?

Teen: Batman & Robin.

Announcer: Leading the ultimate airstrike, Aerial Combat Batman wings out, swooping down. Aerial Defender Robin diving in, missiles on. Chill 'em out, knock 'em cold.

"Okay, you guys are getting ridiculous. Since when did Batman and Robin turn into a vehicle that fires Nerf darts at criminals? What were they smoking when they were coming up with these toys up at Kenner?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) You have these two flying vehicles that has the pilot built in with it and it fires out Nerf darts. That's like the weirdest thing to come up with. Couldn't you just call it a Bat-Dart Gun?

(A third commercial is shown)

Lucas: (Narrating) Now check out this commercial and this one is kinda cool. You have this guy with the movie trailers guy voice asking who defends this city and this kid that looks like Hob from RoboCop 2 dressed in black and standing in a room filled with Batman's BTAS eyes and they got some awesome looking toys.

Announcer: The legend. The Dark Knight. The Bat unleashes an ambush attack.

Teen: Evil's gone to dust. What about the Bird?

"Yeah, like Robin's much cooler than Batman. Who cares about that whining sissyboy?" Lucas asked.

Announcer: Robin. The Boy Wonder. The blast wing.

Teen: Bringing Freeze to his knees, now show 'em the blade.

Announcer: The Bat is cool. The Jet Blade.

"The Jet Blade? Why is the Jet Blade on the ground? Shouldn't it fly?" Sean asked.

Announcer: Spinning, spinning, spinning! Now that's hot!

"More like making you dizzy." Lucas asked. "That thing fires spinning discs at bad guys!"

Man: Who defends this city? It could be you.

Teen: (Turns into Batman and his voice changes) I am Batman!

"Right, kid. The only person who's Batman around here…" Sean said as we see a flash of light and the Castle Thunder sound effect is heard in the background as we see Sean turn into Batman right in front of Lucas, who makes a shocked expression on his face. "I am Batman!"

(The theme from Batman: The Animated Series starts playing)

"Where the hell did you get the costume from?" Lucas asked. "Don't tell me that you have a Batcave somewhere hidden in your house."

"No, Taylor made it for me. It's for the Cincinnati Comic Expo for September of this year… if they don't cancel it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Despite the movie being one gigantic toy commercial, the commercials are still creative, even though they tend to get silly.

Announcer: The secrets of the Batcave are yours. Batman & Robin! Figures and Bathammer each sold separately. Batteries not included.

(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)

Batman (Played by George Clooney): This is why Superman works alone.

Sean and Lucas: (Both shouting) SHUT UP!

(TV static transitions to: Wendy's "Where's The Beef" Commercial from 1984)

(The commercial opens with three elderly ladies at the "Home of the Big Bun" examining a large hamburger bun)

Sean: (Narrating) Now, this has got to be one of the best nostalgic commercials ever.

"For those of you who have seen the commercial, kudos to you." Sean said.

"For those of you who haven't seen the commercial…" Lucas said as he pulls out his magnum. "We're gonna have to weed you out."

Sean immediately pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol. "Agreed. Those who haven't seen the commercial must get whacked."

Lucas: (Narrating) This commercial aired in 1984 and you probably know the premise of the commercial.

Elderly Lady #1: (Looking at the big bun) It certainly is a big bun.

Elderly Lady #2: It's a very big bun.

Elderly Lady #1: It's a big fluffy bun.

"Oh, God. Please, no. I had enough sexual innuendos from the Fuddruckers commercial. We don't need anymore." Sean pleaded.

Elderly Lady #2: It's a very big fluffy… (She lifts up the top half of the bun, revealing a comically miniscule hamburger patty with cheese and a pickle) ...bun.

"And then we get the iconic catchphrase of all time." Lucas said.

Elderly Lady #3 (Played by Clara Peller): Where's the beef?

Sean and Lucas both applaud from Clara Peller saying the iconic line "Where's the Beef?" along with the sound of the audience clapping.

Elderly Lady #3: Where's the beef?

"Um, you're actually looking at it, ma'am." Lucas pointed out to the screen.

"Yeah, you just gotta stare a little at it closer." Sean also pointed out too.

Sean: (Narrating) Trust me, who wouldn't want a piece of that Dave's Single just by looking at this commercial? Nowadays, it's all about the Baconators and whatnot, but this was the big deal back then.

Lucas: (Narrating) Forget the Big Mac and Whopper, Dave's Singles are the shit.

"Trust me, that meat is much more juicier than the ones Julie Cash tasted in those Brazzers videos." Lucas nodded.

"I bet those buns are as firm and warm like her too." Sean smirked naughtily as well.

Narrator: At Wendy's, we serve a hamburger we modestly call a Single. And Wendy's Single has more beef than the Whopper or Big Mac. At Wendy's, you get more beef and less bun.

"Definitely like what Brazzers does too." Sean nodded, "Nowadays, this line is pretty much used in every single porn video whenever a hot busty honey is out searching for whenever's in a dude's pants."

(Two more commercials for Wendy's are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) After that commercial aired, there were the sequel commercials which featured Peller yelling out "Where's the Beef?". Take a look at the this guy's reaction. He's out chilling on his yacht with a bunch of sexy bikini babes and the yacht is the called the "S.S. Big Bun" and the guy is the Fluffy Bun executive. Just check out his reaction.

(We see the Fluffy Bun executive on the phone)

Fluffy Bun Executive: Hello?

Elderly Woman #3: (On the phone) Where's the beef?

(The Fluffy Bun executive breaks his glass cup and falls back in his seat)

"Lady, I don't think that guy even know where the beef is. He's so fat he couldn't even find his beef." Sean said before taking a sip of his can of Mountain Dew Voltage.

"Isn't that what I asked you last night?" Taylor asked as Sean almost chokes on his soda.

"Taylor! Way to blurt out the amazing sex we had in front of Lucas." Sean said.

Lucas then sipped on his Mountain Dew Livewire before smirking out to Sean, "Okay, now THAT was a wicked burn!"

(We cut to the third commercial, where we see the elderly lady Clara driving fast to one of the fast food restaurants, the first one that she drives to is a fast food restaurant with one golden arch)

"Oh, yeah. We all know that fast food joint with that one golden arch. It's WacArnold's from Chappelle's Show." Sean said as the WacArnold's logo pops up.

(She drives up the the drive thru window and honks the horn)

Elderly Lady #3: Where's…

(The drive thru window closes)

"Hell, even that restaurant doesn't want to put up with her shit on where the beef is at." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Aside from the Wendy's commercials, Clara Peller did appear in a movie from 1985 called Moving Violations and she said this line.

(A clip from the movie Moving Violations is shown)

Emma Jean (Played by Clara Peller): (As she leaves the terminal) Where's the bags?

Baggage-Van (Played by Jophery C. Brown): Right here, ma'am.

Emma Jean: That's good.

Lucas: (Narrating) And let's not forget about the fake commercial she did with Abe Vigoda in Larry Cohen's cult horror comedy The Stuff.

Abe Vigoda: How's the food, sweetheart?

Clara Peller: (Slams her knife and fork down on the plate) Rotten!

Abe Vigoda: That's nice.

Clara Peller: Where's the stuff?

"Great, there's a movie that I'll end up reviewing for Halloween Havoc III." Sean said.

(TV static transitions to Up All Knight with Chad Knight)

"Not if I end up reviewing the movie before you, you son of a bitch!" Chad yelled out.

"Aaah! Piss off, Chad!" Sean yelled out. "God, where's Ridge Forrester when you need him?"

Sean: (Narrating) It's a classic, nostalgic commercial that makes people ponder the question…

Elderly Lady #3: Where's the beef?

(TV static transitions to: Denny's Happy Father's Day commercial from 2019)

(We see comedian DJ Pryor and his nineteen-month-old son Kingston sitting at a booth in Denny's having a father-son chat)

"Everybody, listen up. This one of the most adorable commercials ever. I know that this was just last year, but it has the makings of being a nostalgic commercial." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) It starts off with a father having a chat with his nineteen-month-old baby at Denny's and what follows is a sweet moment and you'll try not to cry.

DJ Pryor: What I think is perfect that we came in here for a booth chat just amongst father and son, right?

(His son Kingston babbles while playing around with straws)

DJ Pryor: Why brought you here to find out what's going on in your life. What's going on in your life, huh?

(Kingston continues to babble with his father looking interested)

DJ Pryor: Really? And that's your favorite cartoon. They cancelled it? Oh, man. We gotta, we gotta send. We gotta send a letter to the network and tell 'em that they gotta bring that back.

(DJ dances and eats as Kingston picks up a slice of bacon and holds it up to his father. DJ eats the slice of bacon)

DJ Pryor: That is good bacon.

(Kingston continues to babble and play with the straws some more)

DJ Pryor: Exactly. Exactly why coming to Denny's makes us feel better about that.

(DJ eats another slice of bacon that Kingston feeds him)

DJ Pryor: Thanks, bruh. Appreciate that. Thanks.

(Kingston eats the slice of bacon and babbles some more)

DJ Pryor: The bacon was amazing. You're… you're right…

(Kingston keeps babbling)

DJ Pryor: You know what I'm saying. We ain't got to worry about it. We can come here, have breakfast, eat right and talk about it, right? We can come here and talk about it, right? Right, exactly. Thank you for bringing daddy here. I appreciate you.

(DJ hugs his son. We then see the words "Booths were made for quality time with dad. Happy Father's Day." as DJ and Kingston have a father/son bonding moment and it ends with Kingston cooing as the "Denny's" logo pops up)

As the commercial ends, we cut back to Sean and Lucas, who are both holding back their tear to keep from crying.

"Wow, that is like one of the best commercials ever. I think I need to go and call my dad." Lucas said as he left the room.

"You know, after seeing this commercial, it made me wish that had these father/son booth chats with my father. But my father is not in my life and… excuse me one moment." Sean said as he leaves the room so he can start crying.

While Sean is busy crying his eyes out and Lucas is calling his father, we cut back to Chad, who is still listing some nostalgic commercials.

"We've got a Guess Who commercial, and we can talk about the Operation commercial." Chad said as he looks up to see that Sean and Lucas are not sitting on the couch. "Hey, where are you two? Well, guess I can talk about this commercial that they were talking about."

Chad: (Narrating) A video of comedian DJ Pryor and his adorable baby boy Kingston became viral after 60 million views on Facebook and because of this video, it became a commercial that tugged the heartstrings of every person and this commercial was shown to celebrate Father's Day. Hey, at least it's much better than the Red, White and Blue pancakes commercial.

(A clip from the Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes commercial is shown)

Man: America.

Sean and Lucas both return to the living room and sit back down on the couch, ready to continue the special.

"Okay, I'm feeling much better now." Sean said, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah, same here. I'm feeling much better as well." Lucas said.

"Ah, you two are back." Chad said.

"What the hell? Did you just hijack my show?" Sean asked.

"Hey, you two were busy crying over that commercial, I had to continue it for you." Chad said.

"We were not crying! I had something in my eye. Well, I had to fix my contact lens." Sean said.

"Riiiiiiiight." Chad said, then muttered under his breath. "Pussies."

"Excuse me?" Lucas asked before pulling out his magnum.

"Oh, what are you going to do, kill me?" Chad asked.

"No, I'm not going to kill you. In fact, Sean is going to do the honors. Sean." Lucas said.

"My pleasure." Sean said as he grabbed the remote to turn off the television.

"Oh, you son of a bi…." Chad said, until all we could see is a static screen.

"Next, before Chad tries to hijack the show?" Sean asked.

(TV static transitions to: Little Baby's Ice Cream "This is a Special Time" commercial)

(The commercial opens with a humanoid ice cream creature looking at the camera while disturbing, bizarro music starts playing in the background)

"What the shit is this?" Sean asked, looking shocked while Lucas looked shocked as well while staying silent.

Humanoid Ice Cream Creature: (Narrating) There's good reason for my glistening skin. (Eats its own head with a plastic spoon) And how I shine. And how my pores are so clean and clear. I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream.

"What the shit is this?" Sean said again while he still looks shocked.

"Mommy." Lucas said while he's looking shocked as well.

Humanoid Ice Cream Creature: I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. I love my job. I love my life.

"Uh, I love ice cream but not that much. This is insane." Sean said.

Humanoid Ice Cream Creature: When you eat Little Baby's Ice Cream, you'll wink and nod and hug and high five each other with great enthusiasm. This is a special time. (The Little Baby's Ice Cream logo appears over the Humanoid Ice Cream Creature's face) Little Baby's Ice Cream. Ice Cream is a feeling. (The link to the Little Baby's Ice Cream website is shown)

Both Sean and Lucas look at the camera looking shocked while they still sit on the couch frozen.

(The words "A Few Moments Later" is shown)

Narrator: A few moments later…

Sean and Lucas still looked shocked without saying a word.

(The words "Much, Much, Much Later" is shown)

Narrator: Much, much, much later…

Sean and Lucas continue to stay looking shocked and silent from watching the commercial.

(The words "Much Later" is shown)

No change in Sean and Lucas as they continue to stay silent and shocked.

(The words "So Much Later That The Old Narrator Got Tired Of Waiting And They Had To Hire A New One" is shown)

New Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.

"Sorry about that, folks. Lucas and I were shocked to see what we just saw. It was so shocking and scary that we couldn't say anything. Now that the commercial is over. Lucas, do you have anything to say?" Sean asked.

"Sure." Lucas said. "WHAT THE SHIT DID WE JUST WATCH?!"

(The commercial plays again)

Lucas: (Narrating) I've seen some freaky shit in my time and this is one of the freakiest! And this is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream"? What the hell were they thinking?!

Sean: (Narrating) I can't believe that they aired this commercial. This would scare the shit out of some little kid who's watching something on television and they see it. Are they sure that it's not made from little babies? I bet you that it's made from little babies.

"If that's the case, maybe we'll force feed it to Chad the next time he tries to hijack this special." Lucas nodded to the camera, "I hope he likes the abortion flavor."

"Hell, I got this picture made of him eating little babies." Sean said as a picture of Chad eating babies was shown off-screen, "Yeah, but I can't show anyone because well… YouTube sucks right now. So deal with that."

Both Sean and Lucas start to grow bored after looking at the picture for far too long, forcing Sean to toss the picture out of the scene.

"Eh, okay, I'm bored." Lucas groaned, "Anything on next?"

(TV static transitions to: Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania Workout Set Commercial from 1985)

(We see a kid standing next to posters of various wrestlers.)

Kid: Hey, how can I get muscles like you guys?

"By taking steroids of course!" Sean smirked evilly to the camera.

("Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff then bursts through a wall, surprising the kid.)

Kid: Wow, Mr. Wonderful!

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: *to Kid* You can start by getting in shape with the Hulkamania Workout Set.

Kid: Great.

"Um, are you sure you don't want steroids then?" Lucas smirked out too before bringing out a syringe needle, "Because these work out really faster in the long run!"

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, brothers. You want to grow up and be like Hulk Hogan right? Well, kids of the 80's, you now get the chance to train, eat vitamins and say your prayers just like the Hulkster himself with this Hulkamania Workout Set!

"And here to show you what comes with that set is the man who's not really Hulk Hogan himself, Mr. Wonderful!" Lucas exclaimed before he turned to the right, "Mr. Wonderful, what will the junior Hulkamaniac get with that set?"

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: It's got everything you need: A head and wristband.

(The kid puts on his Hulkster headband and wristband altogether.)

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: A jump rope for warming up.

(The kid then starts jump roping)

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: A hand gripper for power.

(The kid then pulls on the hand-gripper.)

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: Dumbbells for strength.

(The kid starts lifting up dumbbells.)

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: An exercise poster. *holds cassette tape* And even Hulk's own workout tape.

"Hey, what about the eating vitamins and saying prayers part, Orndorff? Surely, that must've came with those things too!" Sean shrugged his shoulders, "And speaking of which, how come Hulk Hogan wasn't in the commercial instead? I mean, he was the face of professional wrestling of the entire 1980's, by the way. What on earth have you even done at least to get this commercial?"

"Well, he spent most of his WWE career being his running buddy and not to mention wrestling for that godawful trash dump known as UWF." Lucas reminded Sean, "If anything else, I think he's better off stuffing his face with Herb Abrams's stupid-ass cookies instead."

"Yeah, I agree." Sean nodded. "And truth be told, that candyass Hulkamania Workout Set didn't do crap for me. Want me to show you how boring that is?" He then turned to the left and said, "Brian, play that cutaway gag for me."

(Cutaway Gag begins)

We see Sean open the door, only to pick up the package that said "To Sean J. Archer" and close the door behind him. He then opens up the package to reveal a Hulkamania Workout Set in his hands.

"All right, the Hulkamania Workout Set is here!" Sean smirked happily before saying, "It's got a headband, wrist band, jump rope, hand-gripper, dumbbells, exercise poster and exercise tape voiced by Hulk Hogan? Today must be my lucky day!"

One week later…

Sean (now dressed in his Hulkamania Workout gear) was standing on top of a weight scale, looking down in anger as he gained only three pounds from the Hulkamania Workout Set he tried on.

"Son of a bitch lied to me…" Sean muttered to himself.

(Cutaway Gag ends.)

"You see my point, ladies and gents?" Sean pointed to the left, "The Hulkamaniac Workout Set is way worse thank Hulk's movies, sex tape, reality show and video game put together in one. And don't worry everyone, I'll get to one of them in the near future."

Lucas then shrugged to the camera and said, "And if you couldn't think the product was worse, then guess who made the whole entire thing! Vince, tell 'em."

Vince McMahon: (Narrating) The Hulkamania Workout Set. New from LJN!

"That's right, Laughing Jokin' Numbnuts made this crap!" Sean nodded, "Along with the other WWE games that were made by LJN themselves back in the 90's! My god, the layers of suck it had!"

"Remember when Hulk Hogan said, "Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" Lucas asked with a raised eyebrow, "I think what I'd like to do… is throw up!"

"Same here." Sean nodded as both he and Lucas grabbed their official Hulkamania drawstring bags, only to throw up inside of them.

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: *to the kid* Are you in shape yet?

Kid: Yeah!

(The kid rips his shirt off and flexes in front of Mr. Wonderful.)

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff: WHOA!

The commercial ends long enough for both Sean and Lucas to finish throwing up, which got them a little disoriented.

"Oh, thank god that's over." Sean gulped, trying to hold his bile in, "Anything next on the list?"

Lucas then looked over to his checklist and nodded, "You're in luck, we got the last one left."

"Oh, finally, I thought I'd never live to see the day!" Sean rolled his eyes out of relief before grabbing the remote, "All right, what do we got?"

(TV static transitions to: Coca-Cola's "I Like To Teach The World To Sing (In Perfect Harmony)" commercial from 1971)

(The commercial opens with a blonde-haired woman singing.)

Woman: *singing* I like to buy the world a home, and furnish the world with love…

Choir: *singing* Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves…

(The camera then zooms back, showing that they are holding bottles of Coke in their hands.)

Oh, now we're cooking with frickin' gas here." Sean smirked in anticipation. "Exactly what I've waited for!"

Sean: (Narrating) Ok, you've got to be foolish to not recognize this legendary commercial from the 1970's. You know what I'm talking about once you see this grassy-hilled scenery and a row of people all around the world with a Coca-Cola in their hand.

Lucas: (Narrating) And if you don't know what we're talking about, well, just listen to the song.

Chorus: *singing* I like to teach the world to sing, (sing with me) perfect harmony…

And then, all of a sudden, both Sean and Lucas held their respectable bottles filled with Coke and sang along with the choir, "I like to buy the world a Coke, and keep it company… THAT'S THE REAL THING!"

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, if that ain't surprising, this became a big hit in 1971 for both The New Seekers and The Hillside Singers, which unfortunately didn't have the Coca-Cola lyric in either of those songs. Which blows since this Coca-Cola commercial version was actually better than both versions combined.

"I mean, you gotta admit, this song is pretty catchy in a 70's-like kind of way." Lucas nodded out, "It's groovy, it's folk-sounding, it's like a Partridge Family song coming to life, minus Danny Bonadouche popped up on pills."

Chorus: *singing* I like to teach to world to sing, in perfect harmony! I like to buy the world a Coke, AND keep it company, it's the real thing!

"You damn right it is!" Sean nodded before saying to the camera, "Mostly I've been a Pepsi baby for all my life, but I won't lie if I'm saying I have such a soft-spot for Coca-Cola."

"It's just like what their old slogan said, 'It's the real thing'." Lucas nodded.

Chorus: *singing* What the world wants today…

On a hilltop in Italy,
We assembled young people
From all over the world...
To bring you this message
From Coca-Cola Bottlers
All over the world...
It's the real thing. Coke.

(The commercial then ends with a picture of a Coca-Cola bottle popping up under the closing words.)

"Ah, after almost 50 years, it still stands the test of time." Sean sighed in a laid-back motion with his hand clutching across his Coke bottle.

"And I gotta say, this little masterpiece is definitely a perfect way to end our Commercials IV special." Lucas nodded out, practically doing the same thing Sean was doing, "We've saw pizza-eating presidents, pizza-eating bandicoots, creepy-ass rats inside pizza places, cute fabric-smelling teddy bears, action figures with bat nipples, beef-seeking old ladies, man what a time to be alive for this one."

"And they'll definitely be more to come for as long as you all tune in," Sean nodded out to the camera, "So for my good friend Lucas, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and even though I'm late for the party, this Summer's about to get started, Disney-style. Now then, hit it!"

Yet again, the song "I Like To Teach The World To Sing (In Perfect Harmony)" started to play out while both Sean and Lucas sang the entire song with Cokes still in their hands. Meanwhile, as they were singing though, the closing credits started to scroll up, parodying the Coca-Cola commercial from 1971 itself, saying:

In a house somewhere in Cincinnati,
We assembled Sean and Lucas
From both Ohio and Arkansas…
To bring you this message
From all Mayhem Critic Fans
All over the world…
Chad Knight sucks. Mayhem Critic.

The scene then finally ends with a picture of both Mayhem Critic and UltimateWarriorFan4Ever flipping off to the camera.

Mayhem Critic Tagline - Where's The Beef?

It's about time we were done with this. Sorry for the long excruciating wait everyone, but we had so much stuff on our plates we didn't have extra time to work on this. But at least it's finally done, so at least this was worth waiting for fans. Yes, I know Summer started a long time ago, but I'm not late to the party though because up next will finally be the Summer of Disney. I was thinking of doing Stakeout and Another Stakeout next, but I'll treat them as bonus reviews because who knows? Maybe I'll treat The Summer of Disney as a two-parter, perhaps? I don't know, I haven't decided for sure. But either way fans, expect one heck of a Summer for yours truly itself. And what better way to kick off the Summer of Disney next chapter than the direct-to-video sequel to Disney's Aladdin, The Return of Jafar? It'll be fun everyone, so make sure you keep tuning in until next chapter. If you wanna see me review something or help me out with a co-review itself, PMs and reviews are always welcome. Later, everyone!