The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all are staying safe and healthy today and I'm here to bring you the best chapter of this story. The Summer of Disney continues as Sean brings back Sean's Story Arc with a vengeance. So, what's Sean going to talk about for Sean's Story Arc? Well, he's going to take a look at Disney's awesome show of the 90s, and that show is Gargoyles! And he's going to take a look at the five-part episode Awakening. So sit back, relax, grab yourself something cold to drink because Sean's Story Arc is back with Gargoyles. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Gargoyles is owned by Walt Disney Television.
The Summer of Disney Part IV: Gargoyles
"What? Come on, Uncle Wade. You can't be serious. Are you trying to tell me that my gargoyle statue came to life and attacked you? It came to life at night? Hey, I guess it just goes to show that you should stop drinking. Hey! You know I'm right!" Sean said while talking on the phone with his Uncle Wade. He immediately looks at the camera, noticing that he's supposed to start today's review. "Uh, Uncle Wade. I've got to get going. I got something to do right now. We'll talk later and do me a favor, quit drinking. Bye."
Sean ends the call and prepares to start today's review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to…" Sean said.
(We cut to Sean as he steps out of the house)
Loud, Booming Voice: THE SUMMER OF…
"Hold on just one second." Sean said before heading back inside his house. He steps outside, this time he's wearing a Batman face mask.
Loud, Booming Voice: THE SUMMER OF DISNEY!
Sean steps back inside his house and makes his way back to the couch, sitting back down as he begins to talk about today's topic.
"And you're all in for a big treat. Remember when I started a little segment two years ago called Sean's Story Arc? It's when I take a look at nostalgic shows and look over the episodes that's either the first couple episodes or an important story arc in the series. The first show I looked at for Sean's Story Arc was the three-part Batman/Superman crossover episode "World's Finest". Everybody loved it. So, I figured I would bring it back. Let's all welcome the return of Sean's Story Arc!" Sean said, smiling.
(A flood appears and we see a ship with Sean on it. He's dressed as Noah. On the ship, he has a bunch of story arcs from Pretty Little Liars, Seinfeld, Beetleborgs, Power Rangers surrounding him before the ship comes to rest on a mountain. Then, the title for the segment "Sean's Story Arc" is shown)
"Alright, guys. Now, see if you can figure out what's my favorite Disney animated show. I'll give you three tries." Sean said.
(The title screen for Ducktales is shown and the theme music plays)
"Okay, besides Ducktales." Sean said.
(The title screen for Darkwing Duck is shown and the theme music plays)
"Besides Ducktales and Darkwing Duck." Sean said.
(The title screen for Disney's Doug is shown and the theme music plays)
"Never play that clip ever again. I like the Nickelodeon's Doug better." Sean said. "Besides Ducktales and Darkwing Duck, let me tell you what my number one favorite Disney animated show is. GARGOYLES!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title screen for the show is shown as well as clips from the show)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah. An original Disney property with teeth, claws and glowing eyes. The show debuted October 24, 1994. Let me just point out that 1994 was a good year for animated shows. (We see the title screens for The Magic School Bus, ReBoot, Spider-Man and The Tick are shown) Gargoyles was a game changer for Disney like Batman: The Animated Series was a game changer. The show was complex and dark. The show was produced and co-created by Greg Weisman, who would go on to work on Kim Possible, The Batman, The Spectacular Spider-Man and Young Justice. And you know that I'm gonna compare this show to Batman: The Animated Series. You have a few people who worked on Batman: The Animated Series lending their talents to the show. Most of the show's story was also shaped and written by husband and wife writing team Michael Reaves and Brynne Chandler Reaves. And you got more writers from BTAS working on the show including Marty Isenberg, Robert N. Skir, Steve Perry, Diane Duane and Peter Morwood. This was a big risk of Disney to take. And this is coming from a company with a squeaky-clean reputation.
"And to kickoff Sean's Story Arc, I'm going to take a look at the five-part episode Awakening. So, let's dive right in to Gargoyles." Sean said.
(We see the title of the episode "Awakening" instead of the show's intro)
"What? No opening intro to the show? I guess you're saving it for last, right? Sean asked.
(The episode opens with a shot of New York City in the year 1994)
Sean: (Narrating) Our story begins in New York City in 1994, where…
(We see explosions on top of a large skyscraper obscured by clouds. The people look up to see what's going on. Then, debris start raining down from the clouds as the crowd scatter in panic as stone and steel crash into the street)
"The forecast for tonight, cloudy with a chance of explosions and debris getting ready to kill everybody." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Detective Elisa Maza, voiced by Salli Richardson, arrives at the scene and she's curious to know what's going on.
Elisa Maza (Voiced by Salli Richardson): Maza. 23rd. What's going on here?
Morgan (Voiced by Keith David): You got me, detective. Must be a heck of a party up there.
"Fun fact: that's Keith David playing the voice of the police officer named Morgan. And trust me, David will voice an awesome character who we will meet later." Sean said.
(More debris rain down from the crowds as Elisa and the crowd move out of the way. The explosions and gunfire at the top of the skyscraper continue as Elisa turns to the crowd)
Elisa Maza: Get back! (Sighs) Or you'll wind up street pizza.
(Elisa notices the claw marks on the stone)
Elisa Maza: Claw marks?/What could be strong enough to leave claw marks in solid stone?
"Alright, put out an APB on these guys and bring them in for questioning." Sean said as a photo of Beast from Beauty and the Beast, King Triton from The Little Mermaid and Scar from The Lion King are shown.
(The next scene cuts to Scotland in the year 994 A.D.)
Sean: (Narrating) We flashback to the year 994 A.D. in Scotland as we see Castle Wyvern under siege by an army of vikings while the Captain of the Guard, voiced by Baloo the Bear himself Ed Gilbert.
Captain of the Guard (Voiced by Ed Gilbert) Stand fast! We can hold them back!
Warrior: Aye. And catch boulders with our teeth while we're about it.
Captain of the Guard: It's your choice, then, me lads. The catapult, (Pulls his sword out) or me.
"Alright, good choice. We'll take the catapult. Just please don't kill us." Sean said, imitating the castle guard.
Captain of the Guard: In a few more minutes the sun will be down, and then we'll see some fun.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the vikings are led by their leader named Hakon, voiced by Clancy Brown, and he overhears his soldiers talking about him behind his back.
Viking Warrior (Voiced by Jeff Bennett): Attacking a castle full of gargoyles near nightfall. This is crazy! And Hakon knows it.
Hakon (Voiced by Clancy Brown): No, my friend, that's not crazy. Questioning my sanity when I'm in earshot, that's crazy! I say those gargoyles are naught but chiseled stone. And even if they aren't it's worth the risk for the plunder within. Attack!
Sean: (Narrating) So, Hakon and the vikings attack the castle and ascend to the top. But what they don't know is when the sun goes down, this happens.
(The sun goes down as the gargoyle's stony exterior cracks and falls away, revealing a breathing, living gargoyle underneath)
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is shown)
Ron Weasley (Played by Rupert Grint): Bloody hell!
(The leader of the gargoyles, named Goliath, notices Hakon and picks him up by one arm)
Goliath (Voiced by Keith David): You are trespassing!
"And immediately millions of women are wet by the sound of his voice." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The leader of the gargoyles is named Goliath, voiced by Keith David. And man, does he have an awesome voice. Aside from Kevin Conroy's Batman voice, Keith David's Goliath voice is much awesome. I mean, imagine if Keith David played the voice of Batman in Batman: The Animated Series and Kevin Conroy as Goliath in Gargoyles.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Batman: (His lines replaced with Goliath's lines) I can scare those cowards away without any help.
(A clip from Gargoyles is shown)
Goliath: (With Batman's voice) I am vengeance. I am the night. I... am... BATMAN!
"Hey, I would pay good money to watch that. Keith David as Batman and Kevin Conroy as Goliath." Sean said.
(Hakon swings his sword at Goliath, he catches the sword with his hand. Blood oozes from the palm of his hand)
Hakon: Huh?
(Goliath growls at Hakon)
Hakon: Fight, men. They are not invincible.
"They bleed! I made it bleed! Let's make 'em bleed!" Sean shouted, imitating Hakon.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the awakening of the gargoyles proved to be a game changer as they attack the Vikings and defend the castle.
(Hakon comes across a gargoyle dog. He moves out of the way right as it jumps right at him. The gargoyle dog slashes the wall with it's claws)
"And now we know where the claw marks came from." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The battle prove to be victorious but Hakon vows that he will be back. The Captain of the Guard thanks Goliath for his help and invites him and his clan to attend a celebratory feast and here we learn about the differences between the humans and the gargoyles. Humans have names and as for gargoyles, with the exception of Goliath who's the only gargoyle to have a name, do not. And we see that Princess Katherine, voiced by Kath Soucie, is not pleased.
Princess Katherine (Voiced by Kath Soucie): Captain, we are most seriously displeased. To allow beasts in the dining hall!
Magus (Also voiced by Jeff Bennett): You speak wisely, Princess. These are unnatural creatures. No good can come from associating with them.
"Uh, you do realize that they saved your asses from getting killed by the Vikings?" Sean asked.
Captain of the Guard: (To Goliath) You are as good as the philistine giant who fought David.
Princess Katherine: You would do well to remember, Captain, that the biblical Goliath was also a bully and a savage.
(The captain glares at Princess Katherine while Goliath's mate growls at her and her eyes glow red. Princess Katherine gasps)
Goliath (Calms his mate): If you will excuse us, your highness.
(A clip from Heathers is shown)
Veronica Sawyer (Played by Wynona Ryder): Yeah, well I guess I picked the wrong to be a human being.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, The Captain apologizes to Goliath and his mate for the Princess' outburst, but Goliath says it's all good. We are what we are and her opinion doesn't change anything. But his mate, voiced by Marina Sirtis, has something to say about the humans' discrimination.
Goliath's Mate (Voiced by Marina Sirtis): Have you no pride? No sense of justice? We saved them and they repay us with contempt?
The Captain of the Guard: She is right, Goliath. You deserve better than this.
Goliath's Mate: These cliffs were our home ages before they built their stone fortress. They should bow to us.
"In other words, the gargoyles are treated as second-class citizens on their own home turf." Sean said.
Goliath: It is the nature of humankind to fear what they do not understand. Their ways are not our ways.
(Goliath's mate sighs)
Goliath's Mate: There are times when your patience astounds me, my love.
(The camera pans over to the Captain of the Guard)
Sean: (V/O as the Captain) Oh, lord. I hope these two don't end up fucking right in front of me. But I'm a little turned on by the sound of his sexy voice.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see a hooded figure leaving Castle Wyvern and heads towards the Viking Encampment where he or she talks to Hakon about a little bargain.
Hooded Figure: Perhaps a bargain can be made.
(Hakon throws his turkey drumstick away)
Hakon: I'm listening.
"Dude, if you want to make a bargain with the guy, you better pay him in money." Sean said.
Hakon: (His lines replaced with Mr. Krabs' lines) Hello, I like money!/Money!
Sean: (Narrating) It's nightfall again as the gargoyles awaken again. The Captain tells Goliath that the Vikings may return to strike the castle at sunrise and that the gargoyles should chase them away once and for all. But Goliath says that it's too dangerous and he doesn't want to leave the castle unprotected.
The Captain of the Guard: Their leader swore he'd be back. It's best to harry them far away now and not take that chance.
Goliath: (Growls) Very well. But I shall do it. I can scare those cowards away without any help.
Goliath's Mate: That's too dangerous for you. Let me come along, at least.
Goliath: You and the others will stay with the castle. You are my best warrior. I leave you in command.
Goliath's Mate: No! I cannot let you.
Goliath: I won't go alone.
"Okay, can we play some sexy music in this scene?" Sean asked.
(The saxophone part from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" plays)
Goliath: Remember... you and I are one. Now and forever.
(A clip from Pretty Little Liars is shown as we see Spencer taking off her bra from underneath her shirt)
"Hey, Keith David is the perfect voice for Goliath. I could listen to his voice all day. Imagine listening to his voice in audiobooks." Sean said. "Imagine listening to him reading "Fifty Shades of Grey".
(We cut to the three gargoyles from earlier)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the three gargoyles from before. Mind you, they don't have any names, so for the time being I'm gonna give them names. This is Squirrel Boy voiced by Thom Adcox-Hernandez, Birdbeak voiced by Jeff Bennett and the fat one named Patrick voiced by Bill Fagerbakke.
"Don't worry, they'll get actual names later on in the episode. Trust me. I'm just gonna call them that for the time being." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Patrick is busy eating while Squirrel Boy and Birdbeak are busy playing catch with their gargoyle dog named Burger King while Hot Gargoyle Chick watches over them. And then, a young boy named Tom, voiced by J.D. Daniels, introduces himself to the gargoyles.
Tom (Voiced by J.D. Daniels): I'm Tom. What's your name?
Squirrel Boy (Voiced by Thom Adcox-Hernandez): Except for Goliath, we don't have names.
Tom: How do you tell each other apart?
Squirrel Boy: We look different.
Tom: But what do you call each other?
"Kid, weren't you just listening? I already gave them names." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the kid's mother runs over and yells at the gargoyles to get away from them.
Birdbeak (Voiced by Jeff Bennett): We wouldn't hurt the lad, ma'am.
Mary (Also voiced by Kath Soucie): Keep away from him, you beast!
(Mary throws a stick at Birdbeak)
We cut back to Sean, who starts to laugh a little from the scene.
"Okay, what is it with Disney characters getting hit with sticks?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Lion King, the 1994 version, is shown)
(Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick)
Simba (Voiced by Matthew Broderick): Ow! Geez, what was that for?
Hot Gargoyle Chick: You're the beast, you... (Her eyes glow red)
Birdbeak: No, if they think we're beasts and monsters…
Squirrel Boy: Then perhaps we'd better live up to the name.
(Birdbeak and Squirrel Boy's eyes start to glow white and they start growling at the humans)
Sean: (Narrating) But before the gargoyles end up killing the humans, Goliath arrives to put a stop to this and send them down to the rookery as their punishment.
Birdbeak: We meant no harm.
(A sound clip from The Fugitive plays)
Samuel Gerard (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): I don't care!
(The gargoyles sadly go down to the rookery while the instrumental version of "Christmastime is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas plays)
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Are you blind? They were not at fault. The humans were.
Goliath: No matter who is at fault. I cannot condone fighting between their people and ours.
"Well, what do you expect them to do? Call each other friend, hold hands and sing Kumbaya? Hey, why don't you let the humans drink a root beer float with you or buy a world a Coke?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While the rest of the gargoyles are down at the rookery watching over the eggs, Goliath and the elder gargoyle who I'm gonna call Graybeard McScarface, voiced by Ed Asner, fly out into the night to look for the Vikings and they come across some tracks that lead into the forest, but the tracks are very light for horses carrying armored men. Meanwhile, back at the castle, someone seen tampering the bowstrings.
"Hmm, I wonder who?" Sean asked, looking curious.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Goliath and Greybeard, they continue to follow the tracks and Greybeard reminds Goliath that it's not long until sunrise until Goliath spots the Vikings.
(Goliath and Greybeard attack the Vikings as they run away)
Goliath: They were leading the horses to decoy us from the castle.
"Turns out that was just a decoy to lead them away from the castle. Boy, they got you good, Goliath. They got you real good." Sean said.
(Goliath and Greybeard hurry back to the castle, but then the sun rises)
Greybeard McScarface (Voiced by Ed Asner): We're too late!
(Goliath and Greybeard are caught in the sunrise and turned to stone)
Sean chuckles a bit. "Okay, have they ever been frozen in an embarrassing pose? Has that ever happened to them? They could be just masturbating to a Brazzers porn video that features Molly Stewart and Lisa Ann and then suddenly this happens, "Holy shit! It's the sun! Wait, I'm not finished ye..."."
(Sean is immediately frozen in stone)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Vikings attack the castle and the guards' weapons have been sabotaged and someone opens the door to let the Vikings in and take everybody prisoner, which means that they're fucked six ways from Sunday. Princess Katherine goes to warn the Captain and she's in for a big shock.
Princess Katherine: Captain! Captain! The Vikings, Captain! We are attacked.
(The Captain grabs the Princess' arm)
The Captain of the Guard: It is worse than that, your Highness.
Hakon: Not that I'm ungrateful for your help but why? Why betray your own kind?
The Captain of the Guard: They are not my kind.
(A clip from Dirty Work is shown)
Jimmy (Played by Chris Farley): You bastard!
"Jesus Christ! What is this Game of Thrones? Who does this guy think he is Petyr Baelish? Why don't the Captain of the Guard just play the Rains of Castamere and have everybody killed Red Wedding-style?" Sean asked. "But then again, the Red Wedding was one of the biggest betrayals ever in season three."
Sean: (Narrating) And just when things could possibly get any worse, Hakon does the most insane thing ever. Unlike almost all villains and... 100% of American animated series villains, he doesn't just dangle the gargoyles over an acid bath or a shark tank, he does this.
(A sound clip from the movie Highlander plays)
The Kurgan (Played by Clancy Brown): There can be only one!
(Hakon smashes the gargoyles to rubble while the Captain watches in horror)
"Jesus Christ! That was a bit dark, even for a Disney show for kids." Sean said.
(The scene where Hakon smashes a gargoyle to rubble is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that we met some of the gargoyles or at least saw them while they were flesh and blood. And now we're seeing them getting smashed into bits and pieces. And I just love this shot of the Captain's face, they show the horror on his face while Viking Krabs here is destroying a gargoyle. Man, the writers weren't fucking around. This is serious stuff like showing gargoyles getting slaughtered. This will never pass through today's sissy standards and policies.
"This just goes to show that us 90s kids were hardcore." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Goliath and Greybeard arrive at the castle, only to find it in flaming ruins and the gargoyles destroyed, especially his mate's, which he doesn't take very well.
Goliath: (Picks up his mate's crumbled remains) My... angel of the night.
(Goliath roars in anguish)
Sean: (Narrating) And thus ends part one of "Awakening". And then we get treated to scenes from part two.
Goliath: (His eyes glow white) You are the betrayer?
(Greybeard throws one of the vikings into a bale of hay. We then see the Goliath and the gargoyles flying into action)
Princess Katherine: You turned them to stone forever?
(We see the gargoyles turned to stone before cutting to present day New York, where we see a man with a ponytail and a beard on top of a castle standing next to Goliath while a storm is coming. A group of soldiers storm the castle)
Greybeard McScarface: They're attacking the castle.
(One of the soldiers throws a grenade at the gargoyles, it explodes right behind them. Squirrel Boy attacks a female soldier, a flare is shot up into the sky as a helicopter lands while the soldiers escape)
Soldier: Go! We got what we came for.
Morgan: What do you figure that was all about, detective?
Elisa Maza: I don't know. But I'm going to find out.
"And then, we're treated to the opening of the show but without Goliath's trademark narration and this is where the nostalgia kicks in. And we're treated to the most awesome and epic theme music composed by Carl Johnson. Let's enjoy." Sean said.
(The opening credits to the show plays along with the theme music and we see the title of the show)
Sean: (Narrating) We enter part two of the episode as Goliath picks up his mate's remains and roars in anguish as Greybeard notices something about the bowstrings.
Greybeard McScarface: These bowstrings have been cut. There was betrayal here.
"Thank you, thank you for stating the obvious. Do I have to add the "Stating the Obvious" counter like The Unusual Suspect when he reviewed Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone? We're not gonna do that." Sean said.
Stating the Obvious: 1
Sean looks up and sees the "Stating the Obvious" counter in the right corner.
"Goddamn it!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the other gargoyles leave the rookery to see the destruction. What do you know? The only time being grounded is good is when raiders kill everyone outside.
Goliath: Were any more down in the rookery?
Patrick: None. Only us.
"And a bunch of eggs in the rookery that look like easter eggs." Sean said as a photo of the gargoyle eggs in the rookery are shown.
Greybeard McScarface: All the humans are gone. Taken prisoner most likely.
Stating the Obvious: 2
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath, who's full of rage, says that they will find the Vikings, save the humans and have their revenge. So, they fly off to find the Vikings with the Burger King following them on foot. At the Viking camp, the Vikings are having a victory celebration while Hakon and the Captain have Princess Katherine and Magus tied in a cave so they discuss ransoming the two of them.
"Well, what do you expect? Mr. Krabs wants his money." Sean said.
Magus: (To the Captain) You blackguard! If I had my book of spells, I'd…
(Hakon laughs)
Hakon: Might you be referring to this book, Magus? Magic spells, huh! Makes me glad I can't read.
"No wonder you Vikings end up dumb. Do I need to get Jack Gilford to tell you to read a book?" Sean asked.
(A clip from a 1960s Reading PSA featuring Jack Gilford is shown)
Jack Gilford: (Sings) Read, brother! Read!
(Hakon rips a page from Magus' book of spells and burns it)
Magus: No! My spells!
(Hakon laughs)
Magus: Oh…
Princess Katherine: Oh, traitor. I'll see you are both hanged for this.
Hakon: Do not vex me, Princess. Or it's your neck.
"Or I'll have your head." Sean said, imitating Hakon.
Sean: (Narrating) Then it's trouble for the Vikings and the Captain as Goliath and the gargoyles arrive to attack the Vikings and save the humans.
(Goliath is seen flying after Hakon, the Captain and Princess Katherine; cut to Greybeard, who throws a viking into a cart filled with hay; cut to Patrick who hits a Viking with a turkey drumstick and we cut to two men running into Burger King, his eyes glow white and he snarls at them)
Sean: (V/O as Burger King) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!
Sean: (Narrating) But the Magus frees himself and walks out of the cave, thinking that the Princess is dead and he blames the gargoyles. So he does something stupid.
Magus: (Casts a spell) Dormiatis dum castellum super nubes ascendat.
(He turns the gargoyles to stone permanently)
"Okay, dormiatis dum castellum super nubes ascendat translates to "May you sleep until the castle rises above the clouds". Also, that dude is an idiot thinking that the princess is dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Speaking of the Princess, Goliath catches up with the three of them to the cliffs on the coast and he sees the Captain is the betrayer.
Goliath: You are the betrayer?
The Captain of the Guard: It was not supposed to be this way.
Goliath: All of my kind are dead. And now, you too will join them.
The Captain of the Guard: I told you to take the other gargoyles with you. If you'd only listen.
Goliath: Untie her!
"You better do as he says, man. Or you won't be flying with Kit Cloudkicker ever again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Hakon decides to save his own ass by blaming the Captain for slaughtering the gargoyles.
The Captain of the Guard: You lying scum!
(The Captain lunges at Hakon, this sends the two of them, including Princess Katherine, falling off the cliff. Goliath catches the Princess as the Captain and Hakon both fall to their deaths)
"Well, shit! A lot of people sure do get killed off and this is a Disney cartoon. Man, TV-Y7 FV my ass. Those two are now just a bloody smear on the rocks at the bottom.
Goliath: (Enraged) I've been denied everything. EVEN MY REVENGE!
"And there are anchovies on my PIZZA!" Sean roared, imitating Goliath as he raises his fists in anger.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for Goliath's revenge. Two of the men he was about to kill ended up killing themselves. Things couldn't possibly get any... (Goliath sees the rest of his clan in stone) ...oh, shit.
(A clip from Pretty Little Liars is shown)
Hanna Marin (Played by Ashley Benson): Things just went from worse to worser.
Spencer Hastings (Played by Troian Bellisario): That's not a word, but continue.
Goliath: What sorcery is this?
Magus: Sorcery indeed! And now you shall join them!
(Princess Katherine walks out from behind Goliath. The Magus sees her)
Magus: Princess…
Princess Katherine: Oh, Magus, what have you done?
(The Magus drops his spellbook and gets down on his knees)
Magus: I thought you were dead, your Highness. I was mad with grief.
(A clip from RoboCop is shown)
Dick Jones (Played by Ronny Cox): You idiot!
(Goliath angrily grabs the Magus)
Goliath: Bring them back!
Magus: I... I cannot! The page with the counter-spell was burned.
"Of course it was. Because that idiot Hakon ripped the page out and burned it. Look, here's a tip: do not cast spells if you're not unable to do undo them, otherwise, this will happen to you." Sean said.
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is shown)
Gilderoy Lockhart (Played by Kenneth Brannagh): Obliviate!
(The spell backfires onto himself)
"Yeah, you'll have to deal with the incompetence of your own casting." Sean said.
(We cut to "The More You Know" PSA from NBC is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the gargoyles have gotten the shaft from humans and since they're turned to stone, Magus replies to the Princess that the terms of the spell were that they would sleep until the castle rises above the clouds. Anyway, Goliath tells the Magus to turn him to stone so he can be at least be reunited with his frozen brothers.
(We see Goliath in a crouched thinking position)
"And this gives him the opportunity to pose as "The Thinker" statue. See the connection?" Sean asked as a photo of Goliath and Auguste Rodin's "The Thinker" is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to one thousand years later, which is the year 1994 and we see that Castle Wyvern is in ruin and we see a millionaire by the name of David Xanatos, voiced by Commander Riker himself Jonathan Frakes.
"Fun fact: Xanatos' character design was based on Jonathan Frakes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Xanatos here is interested in buying the castle. He tells his assistant Owen, another character voiced by Jeff Bennett, to make the offer.
Owen Burnett (Also voiced by Jeff Bennett): May I say one last time, Mr. Xanatos, that the cost of this venture will be astronomical.
David Xanatos (Voiced by Jonathan Frakes): Start hiring crews. I want to begin as soon as possible.
Owen Burnett: It may prove difficult to find the necessary manpower. This castle has a bad reputation. The locals consider it haunted.
David Xanatos: You know the answer to that, Owen. Pay a man enough and he'll walk barefoot into Hell.
Sean: (Narrating) Xanatos has his crew work on the castle and disassembling it while the gargoyles are carefully packed away and he has helicopter and barges carrying the pieces to the castle. We then cut to New York City as Xanatos flies to his headquarters, which is a massive skyscraper called the Eyrie Building.
"Okay, question. Who was the architect that designed the building? Is it the same guy who designed the Olympus Building from Batman: The Animated Series?" Sean asked as a photo of the Eyrie Building and the Olympus Building are shown side by side.
Sean: (Narrating) So why on earth is Xanatos rebuilding Castle Wyvern on top of his skyscraper? What is he going to do with the gargoyles? What does he know about them? Why does this show have some of the cast from the Star Trek franchise? (Pictures of Kate Mulgrew as Titania, Michael Dorn as Coldstone, Jonathan Frakes as Xanatos, Marina Sirtis as Demona, Avery Brooks as Nokkar, Colm Meaney as Mr. Dugan, Nichelle Nichols as Diane Maza, Brent Spiner as Puck and LeVar Burton as Anansi are shown) Yeah, it's pretty weird. So yeah, this massive skyscraper has Castle Wyvern on top of it. And this is the answer we get.
(The sun begins to set)
David Xanatos: Don't disappoint me.
"I wonder how Xanatos would react if the gargoyles didn't awaken." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (V/O as Xanatos) Don't disappoint me.
(The sun sets and nothing happens)
Sean: (V/O as Xanatos) Well... shit. That was useless. I guess I could use this castle as a tourist attraction.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most epic as hell yawn ever from waking up from their 1,000 year slumber.
(Goliath comes to life and stands up to roar. The others do the same as well)
David Xanatos: Yes!
Goliath: We are awake. We're alive! We're together again.
Sean: (Narrating) The gargoyles have a joyful reunion and then they realize that they're not in Scotland any more.
(The gargoyles see the New York skyline)
Greybeard McScarface: What's this? Where are we?
(Burger King lets out a deep roar. Xanatos walks up to them)
David Xanatos: You are the one called Goliath?
Goliath: Yes.
David Xanatos: Excellent.
"Hey, Xanatos. There's only one guy that can say "Excellent". And that guy is not you." Sean said.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Mr. Burns (Voiced by Harry Shearer): Excellent.
Sean: (Narrating) Xanatos brings Goliath and his clan up to date on what has happened over the years and he explains to them that he learned of the castles from an ancient book that he recently acquired and that the Magus wrote their story in his spellbook after he left the castle.
David Xanatos: Now, I'm sure you have questions.
Greybeard McScarface: How did you break the spell?
David Xanatos: It was designed to end when the castle rose above the clouds.
Squirrel Boy: The eggs in the rookery?
David Xanatos: Gone, I'm afraid.
"I made myself steak and eggs for breakfast. I was using the eggs in the rookery to make scrambled eggs." Sean said, imitating Xanatos.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the Goliath and his clan are the last of their kind since the eggs in the rookery are gone and their gargoyle friends too. Anyway, Xanatos was fascinated by the Magus' story and wanted to see if it's true. And now he knows that it's true, he wants to be buddies with the Goliath, but before he asks Goliath to do something for him, a helicopter arrives at the castle and he tells the gargoyles to stay inside to check it out. But Goliath and the gargoyles aren't too keen to trust him, so they head outside to check it out. Just as Xanatos steps outside, a helicopter drops off several commandos armed to the teeth with automatic weapons. Well, looks like they're not here to have a slice of cheesecake and a cup of coffee.
Commando #1: Secure the area.
(The commandos disperse and surround Xanatos)
David Xanatos: What do you want?
Commando: You'll know, soon enough.
"Look, if you want an autograph from me, then you should've asked. No need for all this gunplay here." Sean said.
Birdbeak: What's going on? Who are these people?
Greybeard McScarface: They're attacking the castle. That's all we need to know.
(Goliath's eyes glow white and he roars)
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath and the gargoyles step out of the shadows and start attacking the commandos and they'll defend their castle at any cost. Well, here's the thing about these commandos, they're different than the Vikings, these commandos carry machine guns, grenades and knives. Plus, they got a helicopter.
(Xanatos tries to reach for the commando's gun. The commando corners him as Patrick appears and growls at the commando as Xanatos runs out)
Commando (Voiced by Greg Weisman): Nice mask.
(A clip from Batman is shown)
Jack Napier (Played by Jack Nicholson): Nice outfit.
(The commando pulls out a knife and tries to attack Patrick. Patrick drops to the floor as the commando charges right at him as the gargoyle throws him with his feet; we cut to Greybeard about to attack another commando but the commando pulls out a taser and shoots him with it. Greybeard yelps while he's being electrocuted. Birdbeak appears and grabs the commando)
Birdbeak: Leave him alone.
(Birdbeak throws the commando to the wall; we cut to a commando throwing a grenade at the gargoyles as Squirrel Boy catches it and examines it)
(A clip from Spies Like Us is shown)
Austin Milbarge (Played by Dan Aykroyd): You don't want it!
(Squirrel Boy throws the grenade away, the grenade explodes behind them)
"Oh, you stupid Sacagewea! Why would you throw the grenade behind you?!" Sean yelled out. "You could've just simply thrown it at the commando instead of being a dumbass."
(A clip from TNT's Inside the NBA is shown)
Charles Barkley: I'm a dumbass.
(We cut to Xanatos grabbing a laser rifle from a secret compartment in the castle wall and fires it at the commando)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Xanatos joins in on the action and saves Goliath's life. Hey, what do you know? He can be trusted, he's a cool guy.
Squirrel Boy: (To the female commando) Are you a viking?
(The female commando fires her gun at Squirrel Boy as he moves out of the way and jumps off the castle. The female commando looks for the gargoyle as he is seen gliding into her, knocking her down. Greybeard sees her weapon)
Greybeard McScarface: These weapons! We must be battling sorcerers.
"Sorcerers with guns! Get with the times, man!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) With all the chaos ensuing, we're back to how it all happened. With the debris raining down from the clouds and Detective Elisa Maza arrives at the scene to find out what's going on. Meanwhile, one commando enters the castle and comes across a locked door and opens it with a small explosive device as he manages to get it open and he ends up stealing something in a briefcase and the commandos make their escape.
Commando #1: Let's go. We got what we came for.
David Xanatos: (Aims his laser rifle at the commandos) I don't think so.
(A clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction is shown)
Jonathan Frakes: Not this time.
(A sound clip from After Earth plays)
Cypher Raige: Denied!
(The commando lobs a throwing star at Xanatos, knocking the laser rifle from out of his hand. The helicopter flies off)
Goliath: Why were you attacked?
David Xanatos: (His dialogue is replaced with a sound clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction) I'm Jonathan Frakes.
"Well, that's true." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Xanatos tells Goliath that this is his home and that he hopes that he'll consider working with him to keep it safe. Goliath considers for a moment and he agrees since they got nowhere else to go. Goliath tells Xanatos that he is grateful to him that he broke the spell, but the gargoyles will never trust the humans again because they got the shaft back in the day. Back on the streets, the police have cordoned off an area around the building.
Morgan: What do you figure that was all about, detective?
Elisa Maza: I don't know. But I'm going to find out.
(The second episode ends and the third episode begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So that ends part two, as we lead into part three. We see that Elisa is in the Eyrie Building talking to Owen, in which he apologizes to her for the incident, claiming that one of the newly installed generators in the castle exploded. Riiiiiiiiight, a generator. But Elisa, being the most badass detective in New York, doesn't buy it one bit.
Elisa Maza: Mr. Burnett, I heard automatic weapons firing up there. Now you can let me look the place over or I can come back with a warrant and a lot more cops. It's your call.
"Okay, did I mention that she's my favorite character on the show? She's awesome! Hell, I still got the action figure." Sean said as he holds up his Elisa Maza action figure.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Owen takes Elisa up to the castle to see Xanatos, who explains to her that he just called the Mayor to apologize for the incident. Elisa asks him what really happened and he tells her that the generator story was just for the press and he tells her the truth about what went down.
David Xanatos: The truth is that my men repelled an invasion by a rival corporation trying to steal some of our new technology.
Elisa Maza: (Gasps) "Repelled an invasion"? You're a private citizen, Xanatos, not a country.
David Xanatos: Detective, I am the owner of a multinational corporation, which is bigger than many countries you could name.
"I'm bigger than President Donald Trump, he ain't got shit on me." Sean said, imitating Xanatos.
Sean: (Narrating) While Elisa and Xanatos are busy talking, Goliath watches them before we cut to the three gargoyles getting into some mischief.
(Birdbeak, Squirrel Boy and Patrick find the kitchen)
Squirrel Boy: Wow! Look at all this stuff! It's fantastic.
Birdbeak: (Walks over to the stove) What do you suppose this does?
(He turns one of the dials and jumps back as the burner ignites)
Birdbeak: Whoa!
(He ends up bumping into Squirrel Boy)
Squirrel Boy: Hey!
(He goes flying back into a rack full of pots and pans)
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown)
Gordon Ramsay: Listen, listen, listen, listen! Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off! (Yells) GET OUT! GET OUT! Idiots!
(Patrick finds a freezer, which contains a lot of food for a banquet. He is in awe by this as he grabs as much food as he can carry. Squirrel Boy unknowingly closes the freezer door)
Patrick: Hey! Let me out! It's cold in here.
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown, cutting to scenes with the three gargoyles)
Gordon Ramsay: I'm done. You, you, you. Fuck off out of here!
"Hey, just be glad that those three weren't contestants on Hell's Kitchen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Owen arrives to tell Xanatos that there's a problem in the kitchen with their new guests, so Xanatos excuses himself while Owen shows Detective Maza out. But then Elisa notices something odd.
(Elisa sees one of the gargoyles on the castle walls)
Owen Burnett: Is there a problem, detective?
Elisa Maza: That stone gargoyle up there. I could have sworn I saw it move.
(Owen looks at the castle wall)
Owen Burnett: (Nervous laugh) Yes. This old place is rather spooky at night. I've thought the same thing more than once.
"It's either the castle or I have just watched Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists for the first time. Turns out I didn't care for it. Marlene ruined Emison for me and every fan ever. I guess it's back to writing Emison fanfics." Sean said, imitating Owen.
Sean: (Narrating) After Owen escorts Elisa to the elevator, Elisa gets off on the next floor and wants to continue her investigation herself.
Elisa Maza: (To herself while leaving an elevator) Sorry, pal, but this investigation isn't over yet./(Explores with a flashlight) Don't tell me. This is where Dracula shows up./(Looks back) Ha! A good laugh would be worth a lot of money right now.
"You really need to stop talking to yourself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Elisa continues her investigation around the castle until she has a feeling that there's somebody watching her or creeping up on her.
Elisa Maza: (Points her gun) Ok, pal, let me see you! Nice and easy.
(Burger King appears and growls. Elisa gasps as Goliath appears and takes her gun, crushing it with his hand. A frightened Elisa backs up, the only thing behind her is a low wall and empty space, in which she ends up falling over the side and plunges downward, screaming)
"Oh, crap! That hot chick is about to fall to her death. I'll save you!" Sean said, imitating Goliath.
(The Superman theme plays as Goliath swoops down to save Elisa. He catches her and they swoop over the street, startling passerbys and land safely over the ledge. The Superman theme ends as Elisa gets a good look at Goliath)
Elisa Maza: Ok. Ok. Just take it easy.
Goliath: What were you doing in my castle?
Elisa Maza: You... you can talk? Who... what are you?
Goliath: My kind have no names, but you humans call me "Goliath".
"I am also known as the gargoyle with the sexy voice that will arouse women around the world." Sean said, imitating Goliath as we hear the sound of a woman gasping. The young critic turns over to his left and notices that it was Taylor making that sound.
"Sorry, I thought I heard Keith David in this room." Taylor said.
"No, that was just me." Sean said.
"Oh, well nevermind." Taylor said as she left the living room. "Why couldn't it be Keith David?"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Goliath does his best to explain to Elisa who they are and they climb back up to the top of the castle since he can't fly and he can only glide on currents of wind.
(As they make it back to the top of the castle, Burger King growls at Elisa as she starts to back away)
Elisa Maza: (Gasps) I forgot about him.
Goliath: He won't hurt you.
(Burger King barks)
Goliath: Now, once again, what are you doing here? And please, don't fall off the building this time.
"I don't want to end up saving your fine ass again." Sean said, imitating Goliath once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the other gargoyles spot Goliath talking to Elisa while he's telling her their story and when the other gargoyles appear, she ends up befriending them. Yeah, she's the April O'Neil of the show, but only badass with blue hair. But seeing that the sun is about to rise, Elisa wants to see him again and help him understand the Big Apple and how it works, so Goliath agrees.
Elisa Maza: Tomorrow's my day off I'll meet you in the afternoon at…
Goliath: At after dark.
Elisa Maza: Why am I not surprised? Ok. Here. After dark.
Goliath: No. Not here. (Points to a nearby rooftop) Over there. On that rooftop.
Elisa Maza: Why there?
Goliath: Why were you sneaking into the castle?
Elisa Maza: A good detective trusts no one.
Goliath: That's one thing we have in common.
"Well, you two are perfect for each other." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, I'm not kidding. This is the start of the Golisa fanbase right there. You have millions of people shipping Goliath and Elisa over the years. At first, I was confused, but the more I think about it, it's a love story between a human and a creature, kinda like Beauty and the Beast.
(The poster for the 1991 animated version of Beauty and the Beast is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, no, no. Not that one. I'm talking about the show that aired on CBS from 1987 to 1990 that George R.R. Martin worked on.
(The poster for the 1987 show Beauty and the Beast starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's the one. (Photos of Goliath and Elisa fanart and people cosplaying as them are shown) You have drawings of Goliath and Elisa and there are people who cosplay as them at Comic Con. And let's not forget plenty of fanfics about them. I bet somebody wrote an erotic fanfic about the two of them. (A Photoshopped image of a novel, which contains Goliath and Elisa and is titled "Angel of the Night", is shown)
"Okay, tell me that you don't see them in the Beauty and the Beast trailer." Sean said.
(A clip from the "Beauty and the Beast" trailer from 1991 is shown with the heads of Goliath and Elisa pasted onto Belle and Beast)
Announcer: Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
(The title of the movie is shown. Back to the episode)
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, every woman wish that they're Elisa Maza so they could fall in love with a gargoyle. Before Goliath and the other gargoyles could sleep, Goliath goes to see Xanatos because he wants his help with a little problem involving these commandos that attacked the castle and stole something very important from him.
David Xanatos: The box they took contained three of these hard disks. (Hands Goliath one of the disks)
Goliath: Disks?
David Xanatos: Think of them as magic talismans, each one containing hundreds of spells.
"Magic talismans that you could save your files onto. Yeah, remember when we used floppy disks? Now, we use USB flash drives and the cloud to save our files onto. And save some lesbian porn. Are you sure that those disks contain lesbian porn, Xanatos?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction is shown)
Jonathan Frakes: You're right. It's fact.
Sean makes a surprised look on his face. "I fucking knew it. So, does these disks contain lesbian porn from Brazzers, Reality Kings, Girlsway, Mommy's Girl, WebYoung, Girlfriend Films, Sweetheart Video, Zebra Girls, LesbianX, Twistys, Girls Try Anal and All Girl Massage?"
(Another clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction is shown)
Jonathan Frakes: (Smiles) You're right again.
"Aha! I knew it! Xanatos likes lesbian porn!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Xanatos tells Goliath that it's vitally important that him and his friends get those disks back for him, but Goliath suggests that he should use a detective for the job. But you know Xanatos, he can't go to the police because it would be a problem if the cops learned about them. They could be locked up for study or dissected. But hey, they're the only gargoyles left. Xanatos then tells Goliath that the commandos who stole the disks from him were hired by a multinational company called Cyberbiotics and their base of operations is on an island in the bay.
Goliath: Amazing. It's like a... a living tapestry.
David Xanatos: Your naivety is refreshing, Goliath. The stolen data are being held at three different locations: the first is a research center on a small island in the bay. The second is deep beneath the city in a heavily fortified base. The third is being kept in a huge air fortress that flies in a holding pattern over the city. All three places must be hit simultaneously, so none will be able to notify the others.
"But can't I just choose one and move on to the next like a video game? Oh, wait. You're right. They'll end up notifying the others." Sean said.
Goliath: Why do you want us to help you?
David Xanatos: This must be done before their scientists break the encryption codes, before they translate the spells.
Goliath: This is much different than protecting the castle. It will endanger the lives of my charges. I cannot risk that.
"Remember, Goliath. This mission won't start until you say "yes." Sean said, referencing the Rambo video game.
(A side door opens up, where a winged figure stands in the shadows)
David Xanatos: Don't worry. Everything's going according to plan.
"Hmm, I wonder who that could be? And I have a sneaking suspicion that Xanatos might be up to no good. Are you sure that you're the good guy?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction is shown)
Jonathan Frakes: You're right.
"Alright, I trust you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's night time and our heroes awaken from their slumber. Birdbeak wants to explore the city and see what it's like, so Goliath lets him, Birdbeak and Patrick explore the city, but they have to stay close to the building and stay out of sight. Meanwhile, Elisa meets up with Goliath onto the rooftop that she agreed to meet him on, only to get startled by him after he comes out of hiding. But Greybeard decides to drop by to make sure that Goliath is not being ambushed.
Elisa Maza: You guys are paranoid even for New York. Are you coming on the tour? What do I call you anyway?
Greybeard McScarface: Must you humans name everything? Nothing's real to you till you've named it, given it limits.
Elisa Maza: It's not like that. It's just that... well... uh... things need names.
Greybeard McScarface: Does the sky need a name? (Points to the Hudson River) Does the river?
Elisa Maza: The river's called the Hudson.
Hudson: Then I will be the Hudson, as well.
Elisa Maza: Great. "Hudson" it is.
"Well, so much for calling you "Greybeard McScarface". We're sticking with "Hudson"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Hudson returns to guard the castle, and now it's time for Elisa to show Goliath around the Big Apple.
(The Flying Sequence theme from Superman The Movie plays as Goliath and Elisa fly all over the city until they finally land on top of the Empire State Building)
Elisa Maza: What do you think so far?
Goliath: Such amazing changes men have made in the world while we slept. Stone streets. Finer than those the Romans built. Towers of glass and iron.
"And you have women wearing strange dresses being picked up by men in cars. It's magnificent." Sean said, imitating Goliath.
Sean: (Narrating) Being more curious about the city, Goliath sees that there are no walls and wonders how the city is protected from invaders. But Elisa tell him that the problem comes from inside, not out. But anyway, let's check on the other gargoyles and their wacky antics.
(Hudson and Burger King enter a room with an easy chair and a television. Hudson tests the chair and sits down as the chair reclines, startling him and Burger King. He sighs happily while relaxing in the chair)
Hudson: Well, now, this isn't too bad.
(Hudson picks up the remote to the TV, turning it on as the TV comes to life with a rock video playing, which sends Hudson and Burger King running out of the room; we then cut to Birdbeak, Squirrel Boy and Patrick spotting a guy on a motorcycle)
Squirrel Boy: I've got to see how it works.
Birdbeak: Wait!
(Squirrel Boy flies after it)
Squirrel Boy: (To the driver) What a beautiful device!
(The driver of the motorcycle gets startled and wipes out before running away. We then see Squirrel Boy driving the motorcycle uncontrollably. The bike head towards a wall as Squirrel Boy jumps off before the bike hits the wall and bursts into flames)
Birdbeak: Maybe we'd better not tell Goliath about this.
(We heard the audience laughing and the Seinfeld theme plays while we see the words "Executive Producer GREG WEISMAN and Executive Producer MICHAEL HIRSH" pop up)
"There's a World's Dumbest Drivers video right here." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) As for Goliath, he's not getting into some wacky antics like the other gargoyles, he's about to channel his inner Batman, when we see this yuppie couple driving an expensive looking car entering the most seediest part of the city and their car stalls. The woman named Margot, who's also voiced by Marina Sirtis, starts complaining to her husband Brendan, voiced by Pat Fraley.
Margot (Also voiced by Marina Sirtis): (While her husband is trying to start the car up) What do you expect? You only paid 40 grand for the car.
(Brendan picks up the car phone, but he can't get through to the police)
Brendan (Voiced by Pat Fraley): There must be interference. I can't get through.
Margot: Wonderful! Priceless! Now what do we do?
Brendan: (Gets out of the car) Maybe I can fix it.
Margot: Ha! You have to call a repairman to plug in the coffeemaker!
"Geez, she sounds like my girlfriend Taylor when I try to fix the kitchen sink." Sean said.
"Hey, asshole!" Taylor shouted.
Sean turns around as Taylor throws a shoe at his head.
"Oh!" Sean groaned in pain after Taylor's shoe hits him on his forehead.
Sean: (Narrating) While Brendan attempts to fix the car, three street punks walk up to him and offer to "help" him fix his car. Yeah, you see where this is going.
Street Punk #2: You're on our territory and we don't like visitors. (Chuckles)
Brendan: Uh…
Street Punk #1: Papers, please.
Margot: Give him your wallet, Brendan.
Brendan: (Pulls out his wallet) I-I don't have much cash on me.
Street Punk #3: (Pulls out a chain) Oh, we're really sorry to hear that... Brendan.
"You don't have any money for us, then we have no choice but to kick your fucking ass!" Sean said, imitating Pee-Wee from the movie House Party.
Elisa Maza: Aren't you boys late for your 4H club meeting?
Street Punk #3: Man, it just keeps getting better, don't it?
Elisa Maza: (Flashes her badge) Police.
Street Punk #2: Police, huh? We're very impressed.
Elisa Maza: Have it your way.
(Elisa runs into the alley while the street punks run after her. Goliath roars and he starts attacking them, making short work of them while Brendan watches)
Brendan: Stay back! Margot, run!
Sean: (V/O as Brendan): Let's get out of here!
Taylor: (V/O as Margot): But what about the car?
Sean: (V/O) Fuck the car, bitch! We need to leave!
Elisa: You know, Goliath, you may be the best thing to happen to this city in a long time.
Sean: (Narrating) After Goliath's first night of crimefighting, him and Elisa have a pleasant nighttime walk in Central Park, where the muggers roam at night. But their lovely romantic walk is cut short when someone fires a dart at Goliath's shoulder. It turns out that it's the commandos that stormed the castle and they're here to take them out.
Elisa Maza: What do you want?
Commando Leader: We're just tying up loose ends.
(The fourth episode begins)
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to episode four as we see Goliath, who's pumped full of tranquilizer by the commandos as the leader of the commandos named Bruno, voiced by Jeff Bennett, gets ready to shoot Goliath. But Elisa knocks out one of the commandos and knocks Bruno over while a weakened Goliath fights off the commandos before the two of them make their escape. But enough about them, let's check back on more gargoyle antics.
Birdbeak: (Steps into the street to hail a cab) Yo, taxi!
(The taxi driver sees Birdbeak as he slams on the brakes, turns around and speeds off)
Patrick: Looks like we walk.
(The Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays while the end credits are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Goliath and Elisa, the two of them hide underneath a bridge, with him still feeling weak from the sedative. Not only that, they have the audacity to place a tracker on him so they can track him down, those bounders.
(A clip from Pretty Little Liars is shown)
Spencer Hastings: Bitch chipped us!
Goliath: Some form of magic that led them to us?
Elisa Maza: That's one way of putting it. (Notices a manufacturer's logo in the shape of a stylized beetle on the transmitter) Look. Some kind of manufacturer's logo.
Goliath: But how did this... transmitter get on me?
Elisa Maza: Good question.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe one of the commandos placed it on you back at the castle while they were attacking it. Did you ever think of that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No need to worry, though. There's a stray dog nearby digging through trash and the dog easily takes a liking towards her and she puts the tracker on the dog so it could keep the commandos off their back. In the meantime, we see Hudson watching some television and having a good laugh.
(Hudson flips through channel to channel and he ends up changing it to a dog food commercial. The dog on the commercial barks, which annoys Burger King)
"Boy, that gargoyle dog is just like my cat when she sees a cat on a Meow Mix commercial singing the jingle." Sean said. "Also, I'm sure there are other channels that Hudson could check out. He should check out HBO and Cinemax. They got Cinemax After Dark, where he can watch some softcore nudie flicks."
Sean: (Narrating) But the nudie flicks will have to wait for another time as dawn approaches. And the other gargoyles arrive and they're hyped about the city. But Goliath is still missing and it's almost morning. Which means we check back with Elisa and Goliath as he notices that the sun is about to rise.
Goliath: Too late. I'll never make it back before sunrise.
Elisa Maza: Before sunrise?
Goliath: Helpless. During the day, no defense
Elisa Maza: I don't get it. What happens at sunrise?
Goliath: You'll see.
(As the sun rises, Elisa turns and sees the commandos searching the park)
Elisa Maza: Goliath, we've got to move.
(Elisa gasps as she sees Goliath turned to stone)
Elisa Maza: Goliath? Goliath!
"He still looks handsome in stone. And rock hard." Sean said, imitating Elisa.
Sean: (Narrating) With the commandos approaching, we see how badass Elisa is in action when she takes on the commandos.
(Elisa shoots at one of the commandos with the tranquilizer gun, hitting him; we cut to Elisa in the boathouse ducking for cover as two of the commandos open fire. Elisa notices that she is kneeling next to several cans of gasoline. She makes a run for it as the commando continues to fire at the boathouse. Elisa dives out of the boathouse just as it explodes. A female commando is standing on the pier, checking to see if Elisa is still alive. Elisa grabs the female commando by her leg and pulls her into the lake. The leader spots Elisa running)
Bruno the Commander: You don't know it but you're making this harder than it had to be.
"Come on, babe! Just stop running so I can shoot you." Sean said while holding an MP5 submachine gun while imitating Bruno the Commander.
Sean: (Narrating) So Elisa runs through the park until she comes across a dead end, which means that she's gonna become swiss cheese and this gives Bruno a chance to monologue.
Bruno the Commander: It's over, lady. Don't get me wrong. I admire you. You and that freak-job took out four of my people.
(He sees Elisa's red jacket among the bushes)
Bruno the Commander: And now…
(He jumps out from behind the tree, only to see her jacket hanging on a tree branch)
Bruno the Commander: Uh-oh!
(Elisa comes in at him from behind. Bruno fires his Uzi up in the air as Elisa knocks his weapon out of his hand as it fall into the stream. Bruno fights back, but Elisa flips him over and knocks him out cold)
Elisa Maza: A lot to go through for a piece of lawn sculpture. (Wipes her brow)
"Okay, this makes John McClane, Dirty Harry and Elliot Stabler complete pussies compared to Elisa Maza. She managed to kick their asses. Okay, she needs to have her own action movie. I can imagine a trailer like this." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Elisa Maza is a New York detective who doesn't play by the rules. But if you get on her bad side, your number is up. Steel Justice, starring Elisa Maza. She's one tough cop that you do not want to mess with. Steel Justice!
Elisa Maza: A lot to go through for a piece of lawn sculpture. (Wipes her brow)
Sean: (V/O) Rated PG, but sort of that cool PG when it meant something back in the 80s and 90s. Please don't sue me, Honest Trailers, for stealing your bit.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Oh, yeah. I definitely need this in my life. Can somebody call Salli Richardson? She needs more exposure after Eureka. Well, she has been working as a director. Yeah, somebody call her up so she can do "Steel Justice"." Sean said. "I'll work on the script right now."
Sean: (Narrating) Elisa waits it out until nighttime while keeping watch over Goliath, who is grateful when he awakens. Also, I would just like to point out that sleep rejuvinates gargoyles, so he's in good condition to return to the castle. And he does. He tells Hudson what happened and the other gargoyles are wondering why that's his name. And they like it, which means it's time for the other gargoyles to have names.
"What? You think that I'm going to keep calling the other four gargoyles Birdbeak, Squirrel Boy, Patrick and Burger King throughout this review, did you?" Sean asked.
Brooklyn: Brooklyn. I'm Brooklyn.
Broadway: Broadway.
Lexington: Ooh... Lexington. Do you like it?
Goliath: They're all fine names. (Points to Burger King) I guess he'll need one as well.
Brooklyn: Oh, I've got one for him, too. From now on, you're Bronx.
(Bronx just growls and walks away)
Lexington: (Laughs) I think he likes it.
"What? You couldn't give him a better name than Bronx? Why don't you call him Central Park West?" Sean asked.
(The opening credits of the 1995 CBS primetime soap opera Central Park West is shown and we see cast members like Madchen Amick, John Barrowman, Lauren Hutton, Justin Lazard and Mariel Hemingway are shown)
"What the hell? Uh, why did the opening credits to a show that I've never heard of being shown on my show? What's with the obscure 90s reference in the review? Who the hell was on the show?" Sean asked as he picked up the phone from off of the coffee table. "Wait a second, Madchen Amick from Riverdale is on the show? Lauren Hutton from the movie Once Bitten, John Barrowman from Shark Attack 3?! Mariel Hemigway?! from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is in it?! And Darren Star, the creator of Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place and Sex and the City created the show and Terri Minsky, the creator of Lizzie McGuire and Andi Mack was one of the writers of the show?! Okay, I've got to check this show out. I wonder if there are any episodes I could find on YouTube."
Sean: (Narrating) Owen arrives and takes Goliath to Xanatos' office, where he has a big surprise in store for him.
David Xanatos: Goliath, there's someone here I want you to meet. An old acquaintance, I believe.
(The side door opens)
Goliath: Who?
(A figure steps out of the shadows as Goliath gasps in shock when he sees who it is. It is revealed to be his mate, who was believed to be dead)
Goliath: Huh? You're alive!
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Goliath, my love.
(We get a shot of her eyes)
"Turns out that Hot Gargoyle Chick is still alive. And there's something up with her. Why do I get the feeling that she's going to be up to no good? Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath and Hot Gargoyle Chick reunite and you know Xanatos, he needs a favor in return for reuniting the two lovers. But before he does that, Goliath's mate gives him a rundown on how she survived and she claims that she left the castle to search for him, only to return to find him and the others turned to stone under the Magus' spell. She begged for Magus to put her under the same curse.
"Well, why couldn't he? Maybe he was probably busy getting it on with the Princess or something. I don't know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Xanatos tells Goliath that he saw her a year ago and because he was impressed by her or wanting to give her the Vitamin D, he acquired her for his private collection.
"Private collection? As in his very personal sex toy? I mean, come on! She's hot!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Hot Gargoyle Chick asks Goliath to do a favor for her, regarding the disks that were stolen from Xanatos and that they should help him out of the gratitude for reuniting them. Goliath agrees and he figures by helping Xanatos, they can rid the humans who hunt them and with her by his side, he can do anything. Then, Xanatos gives the Manhattan Clan the full skinny on how to infiltrate each base so they can retrieve the disks.
"Sounds easy enough. I'm sure everything will go according to plan." Sean said.
(We see the gargoyles infiltrating the three bases)
Sean: (Narrating) You have Goliath and Hot Gargoyle Chick infiltrating the air fortress, Hudson and Bronx infiltrating the underground base and Brooklyn, Lexington and Broadway infiltrating the tower in the bay. Nothing can possibly go wrong, right?
Broadway: This is easy. We'll have that disk and be back in time for supper.
(Brooklyn opens the elevator door, which reveals several armed guards on the other side)
Broadway: A late supper.
(The guards point their guns at Brooklyn, Lexington and Bronx. The screen cuts to black as we hear the sounds of automatic gunfire before we cut to the end credits)
"Okay, okay, okay. That didn't actually happen. You know that they're gonna make it out of this one." Sean said.
(The final episode starts)
Sean: (Narrating) Part four ends and we come to the final episode "Awakening Part 5", as we see the guards in the tower getting ready to kill the gargoyles for infiltrating their base of operations.
Brooklyn: (Grins and shrugs) Huh. Sorry. Wrong floor.
(The guards open fire as the three gargoyles retreat back up the elevator shaft)
Sean: (V/O as Guard) Aaaah! Real monsters! Shoot 'em, Frank! Shoot 'em!
Brian: (V/O as Guard) I am shooting at them, doofus!
Sean: (V/O) We're not! We just keep hitting the wall!
Sean: (Narrating) Despite these setback, the gargoyles succeed in their mission as they take the disk and fly back to the castle. Meanwhile, Hudson Bronx are at the underground base and he takes a more clever and dignified approach.
(Hudson spins around as the guards surround him from behind)
Hudson: Aye, it's a wager you'd win!
(The door opens and Hudson is led inside. Bronx snarls and jumps the guards from behind. Both Bronx and Hudson fight off the guards until one of the commanders points his gun at the gargoyle dog. Hudson knocks down the commander as a stray bullet hits a computer console and sets the base on fire. Hudson searches for the disk and notices a large number of lights and buttons on the computer console)
"Aye, which button do I press on this machine with flashing lights and buttons? This modern era is confusing." Sean said, imitating Hudson.
(Getting frustrated, Hudson hits the machine in frustration, which makes the disk pop out)
"Well, that works. If you can't find which button to press, just slam your fist down to make the disk pop out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Hudson grabs the disk as him and Bronx make a run for it and they pull an Indiana Jones move as the door closes)
(The Indiana Jones theme plays as Hudson and Bronx narrowly escape)
Hudson: (Rubs his back) Ach, I'm getting too old for this.
"And all of a sudden, Hudson turns into Roger Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon." Sean said.
Hudson: (With Roger Murtaugh's lines replacing his) I'm too old for this shit.
(A Lethal Weapon-style saxaphone riff plays)
"And it's funny that Ed Asner says this line in Elf." Sean said.
(A clip from Elf is shown)
Santa Claus (Played by Ed Asner): I'm getting too old for this job.
Sean: (Narrating) As for Goliath and Hot Gargoyle Chick, they infiltrate the airship and they grab the disk successfully. That is until Hot Gargoyle Chick decides to rip a cable out of the computer console and fucking kill everybody by starting a fire.
Goliath: What have you done?
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Come on. We have to get out of here.
Goliath: No, we can't just leave them here.
(The guards try to put the fire out)
Hot Gargoyle Chick: (Grabs Goliath by his arm) Let's go. Now!
"Well, damn. So much for saving human lives. They're basically just leaving people to die." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath and his girlfriend make it out of the airship just in time as the airship crashes into the river, only for Elisa arriving at the scene just in time to see Goliath and Hot Gargoyle Chick flying away.
(Elisa sees Goliath and his mate flying away)
Elisa Maza: Goliath?
"No, Edward Cullen. Who the hell do you think, lady?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath and Hot Gargoyle Chick return to the castle to deliver the disk to Xanatos. After he leaves, Goliath tells his girlfriend that he's going to meet a friend, a human friend, and she's not too happy about her boyfriend being friends with a human.
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Aside from Xanatos, we have no human friends, nor should we. Humanity is our enemy, Goliath. I thought you learned that a millennium ago.
Goliath: I cannot make war upon an entire world! Doesn't Xanatos prove that there are good humans, as well as bad?
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Can you forgive the humans for what they did to our kind?
Goliath: The ones responsible for that have been dead for a thousand years.
Hot Gargoyle Chick: Then their descendants shall pay! I will have blood for blood!
"Uh, yeah. Something is up with her. The centuries were not well for her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Goliath meets up with Elisa and she has some interesting news regarding that beetle logo that was on the the transmitter that led the commando team to them.
Elisa Maza: It's the logo of the robotics firm that's owned by, are you ready? Xanatos Enterprises!
"What?" Sean asked.
Goliath: Are you saying that Xanatos is responsible for the attack in the park?
"What?" Sean asked once more.
Goliath: But those were the same men who stole the disks from him.
Elisa Maza: Goliath, nothing was stolen. I checked. Those disks were Cyberbiotics' property. He must have staged the theft to trick you into stealing the disks. He used you. He's been using you from the beginning!
"You heard it here, folks. David Xanatos, the guy who has gained the Manhattan Clan's trust and being a friend to them, is a bad guy. Please tell me that this isn't a joke." Sean said.
(A clip from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction is shown)
Jonathan Frakes: We got you.
"NO! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you, how dare you?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Xanatos is revealed to be the main villain of the show. So, what does Xanatos want with a bunch of stolen tech data anyway? To create an Intel Pentium processor supercomputer? No, but to create these cyber gargoyles that look like Goliath known as the Steel Clan to eliminate the other gargoyles. They're sleek, deadly, they got rocket packs, have lasers and they run on the Intel Pentium 4 processor.
(The Intel Pentium 4 logo is shown next to a Steel Clan robot)
Brian: (V/O as Brooklyn) Robots. I hate robots.
(The Steel Clan start attacking Brooklyn, Lexington and Broadway. The three of them scatter when one of the Steel Clan robots manage to hit Broadway with a laser)
Broadway: (His lines replaced with Patrick Star's) Finland!
David Xanatos: What did I tell you, Owen? Vast improvement! They're steel instead of stone, they don't sleep during the day, they can fly instead of glide and best of all, they're 100% obedient.
"Ah, I love it when a plan comes together." Sean said, imitating Xanatos.
Sean: (Narrating) Goliath swoops in and saves Brooklyn from the killer Goliath Robot and when Hudson and Bronx step out to see what's all of the commotion, the robots start attacking them and they fight back.
(The robot fires at Bronx, who easily avoids the blast while he's biting down on it's tail. Hudson unleashes a fierce yell as he draws his sword and jumps down, cleaving the robot in two)
Hudson: (To Bronx) Never a dull moment, is there, boy?
"Hello, yes I would like to order the Hudson sword? I'll just take one, please. Better make that two." Sean said while talking on his phone.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing that Goliath has taken out their killer robots, Xanatos decides to go to Plan B, and Plan B involves Hot Gargoyle Chick trying to kill him with a friggin' RPG and she begins to ramble about her plan and her making a bargain with the Captain to get them out of the castle. But her plan failed because Goliath was protecting the humans and because of his girlfriend's betrayal, Goliath begins to cry. Oh, and the humans have a name for her.
Demona: I have a name too, Goliath. The humans gave it to me long ago. You should know it before you die. I am Demona.
"Take the "A" out and you get Demon." Sean said.
"Ugh! Evil exes, am I right?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Demona goes overkill on Goliath's ass with a goddamn RPG, Elisa saves Goliath's life by tackling Demona to the ground, only for her to fire the rocket launcher at a nearby tower and falling debris knocking out Xanatos, bonus points for that. Then more pieces of the tower comes crumbling down, sending Elisa and Demona to a long plummet. Goliath saves Elisa, as for Demona…
(Demona screams as she falls to her death)
"Don't worry, she'll be back." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And as for Xanatos…
Goliath: She wanted me to destroy humanity. (Grabs Xanatos and turns to the edge of the castle) I think I'll start with you!
David Xanatos: Go ahead. Without me, you'd still be gathering moss.
"You know what, I love this magnificent bastard." Sean said.
(Clips from the show featuring Xanatos are being played)
Sean: (Narrating) He's one of my favorite villains ever. Hell, a pissed off gargoyle is trying to kill him and he doesn't even freak out. He's so friggin' awesome, that he's got a trope named after him called the "Xanatos Gambit". It's a plan for which all foreseeable outcomes benefit the creator, including ones that superficially appear to be failure. See here, Xanatos is the master of this technique. (Pictures of Lex Luthor from Superman: The Animated Series, Norman Osborn from Spider-Man: The Animated Series and Dr. Doom from Fantastic Four are shown) This is the man Lex Luthor wishes he could be him, Norman Osborn look like a petty psycho and Dr. Doom look like an impractical chump. (Pictures of Roland Daggett from Batman: The Animated Series, Derek Powers a.k.a. Blight from Batman Beyond and Louis Strack Jr. from Darkman are shown) If you want me to go through the extremes, he makes Roland Daggett, Derek Powers and Louis Strack Jr. look like a bunch of complete pussies. Hey, the guy put a Scottish castle on top of a skyscraper… nuff said.
David Xanatos: Revenge, as they say, is a sucker's game.
"David Xanatos, you are my number one guy!" Sean said, imitating The Joker from Batman.
Sean: (Narrating) Bus Elisa steps in to talk Goliath out of killing Xanatos because if he does, then he's no better than Demona.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Batman: What will vengeance solve?
Hudson: She's right, lad. Is that what you want?
The song "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls starts playing in the background as Sean covers his ears and starts freaking out.
"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Sean yelled out as the song stops playing. "Never play that song ever again."
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Goliath doesn't kill Xanatos, the law will take care of him as the NYPD arrest Xanatos. But after that long, eventful night, it's time for our heroes to rest and Goliath and Elisa are gonna become the best of friends.
Elisa Maza: Same time tomorrow night?
Goliath: I wouldn't miss it.
Elisa Maza: Good. Maybe we'll catch a Giants' game.
Goliath: (Startled) Giants?
(As the sun rises, Goliath turns to stone, with a surprised look frozen on his face)
Elisa Maza: Hmm. I wonder if this city's ready for you guys.
"And that was the Gargoyles story arc, and does it still hold up? HELL YEAH!" Sean cheered.
(Clips from the show are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Even though the show may have started out as Disney trying to cash in on the BTAS craze, the show turned out to be the best show ever. This five-part episode told one big story and it sets things up nicely for more things to come and yes, we wanted to see more, the stories were dark, serious and dramatic, there are some light-hearted humor, the characters are memorable, the animation is top-notch, the writing is excellent and the voice cast is amazing. Everyone who were involved with the show deserves gold stars. Gargoyles is a nostalgic show for you to check out. If you're new to Gargoyles, you should check it out. I love this series, I love these characters and I love the voice actors and their incredible performances. This show is a masterpiece. It's on Disney+, check it out now. Gargoyles comes in at 5 jalapeno peppers out of 5.
"Well, that's all for this review and Sean's Story Arc. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm leaving you all with a montage of the characters saying "Jalapeno"." Sean said.
(A montage of some of the characters saying "Jalapeno" plays)
Goliath: Jalapena.
Brooklyn: Jalapena, you're still alive!
Elisa Maza: Jalapena.
Hudson: Jalapena.
Lexington: Jalapena!
Goliath: (Rubs his head) Jalapena, I have a headache.
(We see Goliath eating a jalapeno pepper and sniffs before we cut to the city skyline)
Goliath: JALAPENA!
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Remember... you and I are one. Now and forever.
And that's all for the review of the five-part episode "Awakening" for Gargoyles. So, what did you think about the review and what did you think about the episode when you first saw it? If you haven't seen the show, then go check it out now. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the forgotten movie based off a classic Saturday morning show, a really great animated show. And that movie is Recess: School's Out. I wanted to make this one into a co-review, if anyone is interested. Feel free to create an original character for this review and come up with a profile for the character. Here's everything that will be listed.
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If you create your OC for this review, your character could be a recurring character of this story. Feel free to add this story to your favorites, follow it for future updates and feel free to leave a comment as well. If you would like to request a movie or a television show that you want me to review, feel free to do so. After the Recess: School's Out review, the final movie for The Summer of Disney that I will be reviewing is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, which will involve Sean, Brian and Chad Knight reviewing it. If anyone wants to join in on the Rise of Skywalker review and wants to co-review it with me, feel free PM if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.