The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean became a raging madman while reviewing Jaws: The Revenge. Today, Sean takes a break from reviewing movies to doing another Top 11 countdown. And what is he going to bring you? Well, Sean will be taking a look at the Top 11 Drug PSAs. So sit back, grab yourself a cold one to drink and enjoy the next chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.
Episode Ninety-Nine
The Top 11 Drug PSAs
We open with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting in his office and typing away at his laptop. He sips his coffee before continuing the list of movies that he's planning on reviewing for Halloween Havoc III.
"What the? Something's a little off on the list. Did I just add Scream: The XXX Porn Parody to the list? I don't even own that. Well, maybe the Porn Critic owns it. He'll probably ask me to co-review it. I wonder if Chad is doing anything for Cavalcade of Horror on his show. Maybe I'll call him up." Sean said as he picks up his phone to dial Chad's number.
"SEAN!" Taylor called out as she enters his office. "Look what I found by Riley's litter box."
Taylor shows Sean a little bag filled with catnip as the young critic takes the bag from out of his girlfriend's hand.
"What the hell? What was she doing with catnip?" Sean asked.
"I don't know. Maybe my idiot brother Oliver gave it to her." Taylor said.
"Oliver gave my cat catnip. Oh, he's so dead." Sean said as he reaches into his desk to pull out his knife.
"Put the knife away. I want you to talk to Riley about this. This is a serious issue." Taylor said.
"Fine. I'll go talk to my cat. If that doesn't work, then I'll have to kill your brother." Sean said as Taylor rolled her eyes at him.
The young movie critic heads downstairs and makes his way into the dining room, only to see his 5-year-old cat Riley, laying on her back in her cat bed with her eyes wide open and beady before rolling around in catnip and getting it all over herself.
"Riley? Riley? Holy shit. What did you do? Oh, man. You're high as a kite." Sean said.
Riley: (V/O) Who are you? You're not my mommy.
Sean picks up Riley from out of her cat bed. "Riley, this is a serious issue. You're high on catnip. And Taylor found your catnip bag."
Riley: (V/O) Taylor? Is that the blonde with the nice ass? (Laughs) Boy, I am soooo fucked up right now. I want some wet food to eat.
"Riley, we're going to make you kick this habit. And the way that I'm going to do it is to set you straight, beyond scared straight." Sean said.
(A clip from A&E's Beyond Scared Straight is shown)
Hustle Man: I'd stick my foot so far up your ass, you'd be able to taste my (beep)damn shoe laces!
"Yikes! Not that scared straight, but you get my drift." Sean said as he sits Riley down on her cat bed before heading back into the living room to start his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about drugs."
(We see photos of drugs and drug raids being shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Let's go back to the year 1982, drugs are rampant on the streets of the United States and President Ronald Reagan has declared drugs a threat to national security.
(A clip from Clear and Present Danger is shown)
President Bennett (Played by Donald Moffat): These drug cartels represent a clear and present danger to the national security of the United States.
Sean: (Narrating) The following decades will be shaped by these actions forever as the war on drugs continue this very day. And what better way to tell people not to do drugs is to give us PSAs that would scare the everloving piss out of us.
(Clips from different Drug PSAs are being shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) The 80s and 90s gave us some of the most memorable, the most clever, the weirdest and scariest drug PSAs ever to tell us not to do drugs and I'm gonna take a look at them.
"Which is why I am bringing you the Top 11 Drug PSAs ever. Why top 11? Because you're probably getting high right about now. This is the Top 11 Drug PSAs." Sean said.
(A title sequence featuring Sir Smoka Lot from the movie Half Baked while the song "Because I Got High" by Afroman plays in the background)
Number 11: Mr. T Anti Drug PSA from 1985
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little PSA from Mr. T. Yeah, you know Clubber Lang from Rocky III. And he's here to give you a message about drugs while he's sitting at a diner enjoying his meal.
Mr. T: I get angry just thinking about it makes me mad. Little kids doin' drugs, it turns my stomach. (Breaks his glass of milk with his hand)
"Jesus, dude! Are you okay?" Sean asked. "You need a band-aid or some iodine?"
Mr. T: That stuff hurts.
"Well. I'll get you something that will numb the pain. How's that sound?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then he starts going on a rant about drugs hurting people and then for some odd reason, he starts shaking the cameraman around.
Mr. T: It stop you from living up to your potential. It holds you back. (Gets up from off of the stool) It hurts to use them. It hurts just family. It hurts just friends. (Grabs the cameraman and shakes him down) I just want to shake some sense into you kids that are using drugs and thinking about using! So remember, don't or else! (Smiles) Okay?
"JESUS CHRIST, DUDE! I hate to be the cameraman who was filming the whole thing." Sean said.
Mr. T: I get angry just thinking about it makes me mad. Little kids doin' drugs, it turns my stomach. (Breaks his glass of milk with his hand) That stuff hurts...
Sean: (V/O as the cameraman) Do you need a bandage, Mr. T? It looks like your hand is bleeding.
Mr. T: It stop you from living up to your potential. It holds you back. (Gets up from off of the stool) It hurts to use them….
Sean: (V/O) Uh, no need to get up. Just sit back down and continue to talk about drugs… (While Mr. T is shaking him and screams) MR. T, LET ME GO! I'M SORRY FOR HATING ON YOUR CEREAL! HELP! HELP! HELP!
Mr. T: So remember, don't or else! (Smiles) Okay?
Sean: (V/O) I need an adult!
Sean: (Narrating) It was all good until he smiled.
(We cut to Mr. T smiling)
Sean: (Narrating) Look, if you're gonna hurt me, hurt me. Don't have me thinking about this 10 years later in the therapist's office. Well, if your kids are doing drugs, then I pity the fool who's gonna end up having Mr. T shake them down, coming in at number 11.
Mr. T: So remember, don't or else! (Smiles) Okay?
Sean: (V/O) I WANT MY MOMMY!
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 10: Captain Lou Albano "Just Say No" PSA
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a classic one, we have Captain Lou Albano from the Super Mario Bros. Super Show talking to kids about drugs… while he's in his partial Mario getup and bouncy kids music starts playing in the background.
Captain Lou Albano: I'm Captain Lou Albano talking to you about drugs. Kids, don't be afraid to say no. Anyone that actually use drugs is not your friend. Drugs can and will kill. Remember, don't be afraid to turn to your priest, your rabbi, your minister, your moms, your dads, your teachers because drugs can kill. And if you do drugs, you go to Hell before you die. Please.
"Man, what a passionate and strong speech. Also, this is the same guy who's been eating mushrooms." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I love how he straight up says that if you do drugs you go to Hell before you die. Wow, what a way to scar the children there. Look, all I wanted to do was to jump on the Goombas, ride on Yoshi and throw Bowser into a bomb. I didn't want you to tell me that I'll go to Hell before dying. Was he affected by Luigi's fatal drug addiction from mushrooms?
"Mushrooms is a hell of a drug, man." Sean said.
Captain Lou Albano: And if you do drugs, you go to Hell before you die. Please.
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 9: Dead Son Anti-Drug PSA
Sean: (Narrating) In this PSA, it's starts off with a father talking to his son about drugs.
Father: Son, I figured when you were old enough, I'd talk to you about drugs.
"Well, this is starting off to a very good start. He's talking to his son about drugs and making sure that he doesn't go down the wrong path." Sean said.
Father: I'd tell you they're nothing but poison. Tell you to stay away from the garbage that pushes that junk. But I never figured that I would ought to be telling that to a 13-year-old.
"Wait, what?" Sean asked.
(The camera in the PSA pans out, in which we see the father standing in a cemetery, talking to his son's grave)
"Holy shit, his son is dead!" Sean exclaimed.
Announcer: If you don't teach your kids to say no to drugs, it's as good as saying "Yes".
Sean: (Narrating) Man, what a surprise twist. You might think that he's talking to his son, but it turns out that his son died from drugs and he's talking to his grave. This is a touching PSA that gets the point across. If you think that doing drugs is cool, then you're wrong. Dead wrong.
Announcer: If you don't teach your kids to say no to drugs, it's as good as saying "Yes".
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 8: Join the Party PSA
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a drug PSA that will scare the wits out of you. We see this creepy looking coroner that looks like a ghoul wanting to come to his place for a little party and he introduces his friends and he talks about crack.
Coroner: Come to my place for a little party? (Chuckles) You'll like my friends, they're good listeners. And with this new drug crack, I'm attracting younger crowds.
"So, who are his friends that he's talking about? Dead teenagers." Sean said.
Coroner: (Pulls a drawer out that has a dead body on it) Bill here is 16. (Moves to a table a pulls a sheet, revealing another dead body) Tracy, cute gal, 14. So join the party. Try crack. I could use the company. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, being scared out of your wits by Uncle Fester's demonic cousin is always a pleasant experience. And this PSA has done a good job at scaring the shit out of you. This is one party that I would stay away from.
Coroner: Try crack. I could use the company. (Laughs)
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 7: Cocaine PSA featuring Michael J. Fox
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a drug PSA from 1988 in which we see Michael J. Fox talking about drugs.
Michael J. Fox: Life is a series of choices. What you eat, how you look, whether you do drugs or not. You know, cocaine, crack. See, only you can decide because the only person responsible is you. Now if you make the right choice there's nothing you can accomplish. If you make the wrong choice, all your other decisions are made for you.
(He walks away and we see a bunch of doors closing behind him)
"Yeah, we get a PSA where Michael J. Fox is telling us not to do cocaine. Yeah, this was the same year in which he starred in the movie Bright Lights, Big City and in that movie he's sniffing cocaine." Sean said.
(A clip from Chappelle's Show is shown)
Rick James: Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I find that ironic. He's on a PSA talking about cocaine and he's in a movie where he plays a writer with a cocaine habit…
(A clip from the movie Bright Lights, Big City is shown, featuring the bizarre scene involving the Coma Baby)
Coma Baby: What? What do you want?
Jamie Conway (Played by Michael J. Fox): You gonna come out?
Coma Baby: No way, Jose. I like it here. Everything I need is pumping.
"Yeah, that bizarre scene." Sean said. "Let's move to the next one."
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 6: Snake Anti-Drug PSA
Sean: (Narrating) Remember this PSA from 1986? If you did, then my God this one scares the shit out of anyone who saw this one. It starts off with this loud-talking drug dealer talking about drugs, and then he slowly turns into this creepy-ass snake guy.
Snake: Hey, little dude. Send your momma and daddy out the room.
"Actually, I don't live with my parents. I live with my girlfriend. She's a cutie. But she's out the room." Sean said.
Snake: You know who I am, the Snake. Dealin' in weed, coke, crack, your choice.
"I'll take the coke. No, no, no. Not that coke. I'm talking about a can of Coke." Sean said while he's holding up a can of Coca-Cola in his hands.
Snake: Take one hit and you'll do anything to cop more. (His head slowly changes into a snake) Steal from your momma, lie, cheat on your homeboys…
"Dude, there's something wrong with your face. Are you feeling alright?" Sean asked.
Snake: ...but hey, that's the price you pay when dealing with dudes like me.
While the Snake is continuing his speech, we cut to Sean who's looking more and more frightened while watching the PSA.
Snake: But hey, do I look like the kinda guy that would do that to a kid like you? YESSSSSSssss.
We cut back to Sean as he just seen sitting on his couch with a shocked look on his face after he finished watching the PSA.
"Excuse me for a second, I'm gonna go upstairs and change into another pair of boxers. Here's the next PSA." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch.
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 5: Michael Jordan McDonalds PSA
Michael Jordan: I'm Michael Jordan. McDonald's restaurants have given me this time….
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm sure some of you remember this PSA and also why did it have to be McDonald's who gave him this opportunity to do this PSA?
Michael Jordan: McDonald's restaurants have given me this time to talk to you about something we both really care about…
"Big Macs?" Sean asked.
Michael Jordan: Kids.
"Oh." Sean said.
Michael Jordan: Think about this, many of you using drugs out there now are under 18. Do you realize that at 18 you have lived one fourth of your life? When you're using drugs, you're only cheating yourself out of the chance to find out who you really can be. And believe me, if you don't use drugs, you can just about be anything you want to be. Listen…
"Okay, I just love that little cut right there. This is just Michael Jordan rambling." Sean said.
Michael Jordan: Listen…
"Dude, I was already listening. Why are you telling me to listen?" Sean asked.
Michael Jordan: So don't blow it. Don't do drugs. If you're doing it, stop it. Get some help.
"And go to McDonald's and order yourself a Big Mac with a large fry and a large Sprite. Probably get yourself the Travis Scott meal as well or a 20 piece chicken mcnuggets with sweet and sour sauce." Sean said, imitating Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan: McDonald's wants you to give yourself a chance, a chance to find out all the wonderful things you really can be, and so do I.
(A clip from Space Jam is shown)
Michael Jordan: Can I go home now?
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 4: This Is Your Brain On Drugs PSA
Man: Is there anyone out there who still isn't clear about what doing drugs does? Okay, last time.
Sean: (Narrating) People should know that this is the most memorable PSA ever.
Man: (Holds an egg) This is your brain. (Points to a frying pan) This is drugs. (He cracks the egg into the frying pan and we see the egg cooking into a fried egg) This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
Sean: (Narrating) Why is it so memorable? Why would they show us an egg frying in a frying pan? Are they trying to tell us that our brain is like an egg and drugs are frying it?
Man: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
Sean: (Narrating) I'm pretty sure that after the PSA ends, most people have like a witty line to come up with after the guy says "Any questions?". Here are a few examples that I came up with.
Man: Any questions?
"Yes, could I get a brains mcmuffin?" Sean asked.
Man: Any questions?
"Could I get a steak and brains with a side of shredded hash browns?" Sean asked.
Man: Any questions?
"Could my girlfriend get her brains fried or scrambled?" Sean asked.
Man: Any questions?
"Are my brains part of a nutritiously delicious breakfast?" Sean asked.
Man: Any questions?
"I asked my accountant Watson Brewer over for breakfast, will enjoy my brains benedict?" Sean asked.
Man: Any questions?
"Yeah, just one. Are you gonna finish my brains?" Sean asked.
(We switch over to the This Is Your Brain On Drugs PSA from 1997 featuring Rachael Leigh Cook)
Sean: (Narrating) This was so popular that in 1997, it spawned a sequel featuring Rachael Leigh Cook and she smashes the everloving shit out of stuff with a frying pan. I would talk about this but Lucas and I already talked about it back in Commercials II, go check it out.
Man: Any questions?
"Can we move on to the next PSA, please?" Sean asked.
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 3: Hanna-Barbera Anti-Drug PSA
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen. We had celebrities telling us not to do drugs. Back in the 70s, we had Hanna-Barbera telling us not to do drugs. This was a little PSA that they produced and this PSA was against the use of illegal drugs. How well did they do? Well, it starts off with some teen lighting up a joint and he's dragged into the world of drugs by prescription pills and they take him to a closet filled with these zombie-looking drug addicts and then, this creepy shit happens.
(The teen tries to make a run for it. The drug addict reaches for him and he turns into a zombie before being pulled into the closet)
Sean: (Narrating) Goddamn, that was scary! And I swear right when the teen got turned into a zombie, I think it spawned that A.K.A. Productions logo at the end of Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy. Hanna-Barbera did some pretty freaky shit, but hey at least they made this public service announcement for a good cause.
(Interlude to next PSA)
Number 2: I Learned It By Watching You PSA
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I love this PSA. Not only it's memorable but it has a great twist at the end.
Father: (Holds a box of drugs to present his son) This yours?
Son: No it's…
Father: Your mother said she found it in your closet.
Son: I don't know. Well, one of the guys must've…
Father: Must've what?
Son: Look dad, it's not…
Father: Where did you get it?
Son: Dad…
Father: Answer me!
"You better give me an answer right now, you little son of a bitch." Sean said.
Father: Who taught you how to do this stuff?
"Tell me now. Who taught you how to do this stuff?" Sean asked.
Son: (Angrily to Dad) YOU ALRIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!
"Oooooooh shit." Sean said. "This is pretty awkward." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I love this PSA. I wondered what happened between the father and the son. I bet that they were busy talking and the father tells his son that he's proud of him for smoking the good stuff while they're smoking a couple of joints together. It's the perfect opportunity to spend some father/son time. Here's what went down between the two of them.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean/Father: Alright, son. Let me give you a lesson on weed. I need to teach you how to roll a joint because your rolling is horrible. You're not packing it like you should be and it's too loose. Also, always make sure that you zip the baggie, if air gets in there, then there goes the potency.
Sean/Son: Wow, I'm learning a lot. Thanks, Dad.
Sean/Father: No problem, son. Also, I'm missing some of my Trojans. Have you been sneaking in my drawers again?
Sean/Son: Well, I did take a couple. There's this cute girl at school that I've been boinking.
Sean/Father: Did you use protection?
Sean/Son: Yeah. What? You think I would do something stupid like not wearing a condom?
Sean/Father: Hey, I was like that when your mother and I met.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Announcer: Parents who use drugs, have children who use drugs.
"Now, before I get to number one, here are a few runners up." Sean said.
Runners Up
Note From Mom Anti-Marijuana PSA
Mr. Bill on Drugs PSA
Surgeon Anti-Marijuana PSA
Straight Up Anti-Drug PSA
Turtle Tips Marijuana PSA
Drugs Drugs Drugs PSA
(Interlude to next PSA)
Sean: (V/O) And the number 1 nostalgic drug PSA is…
Number 1: The Thrill Can Kill PSA featuring Pee-Wee Herman
Sean: (Narrating) Remember those PSAs back in the 80s and 90s? The Thrill Can Kill was an anti-drug campaign that was promoted by First Lady Nancy Reagan. Some of those ads were shown in movie theaters and they featured celebrities like Ally Sheedy, Clint Eastwood, Olivia Newton-John, Roy Scheider, Bette Midler, James Woods, Dudley Moore, Rae Dawn Chong and Roseanna Arquette. We're not going to be talking about those. We're going to be talking about one in particular featuring a certain celebrity.
(We see the words "A SPECIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT" on screen before we cut to an incredibly dramatic opening)
"Wow, I wonder who it could be about to talk. This is going to be serious." Sean said.
(The opening continues until Pee-Wee Herman comes into focus in the PSA)
"What in the wide world of fuck is this?" Sean asked with a look of confusion.
Pee-Wee Herman: (Holds up a vial of crack) This is crack. Rock cocaine. It isn't glamorous, or cool, or kid's stuff. It's the most addictive kind of cocaine and it can kill you. What's really bad is nobody knows how much it takes. So every time you use it, you risk dying. It isn't worth it. Look, everybody wants to be cool. But doing it with crack isn't just wrong. It could be dead wrong.
(We cut to a picture of a vial of crack, with the words, "Don't even try it. The thrill can kill.")
"Okay… where do I begin?" Sean asked.
(Footage of Pee-Wee's Playhouse and other things related to Paul Reubens are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You have a goofy character who's show may or may not be inspired by an illegal substance. Also, he appeared in the movie Cheech & Chong's Next Movie, which involves two stoners. By the way, Paul Reubens played a drug dealer in the 2001 movie called Blow. Yeah, this coming from the guy who played a friggin' drug dealer in a movie. And this PSA aired weeks before that infamous movie theater incident in which Paul Reubens was caught mastubating in a porno theater. Yeah, let's see a PSA about not jacking off in movie theaters. Last but not least, Pee-Wee Herman talking to me about crack is hilarious.
"Look, if it was Paul Reubens, the actor, telling me about crack I would take this PSA very seriously. But when it's Pee-Wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, and he's talking to me about crack, I start laughing my ass off." Sean said.
Pee-Wee Herman: This is crack.
Sean chuckles a bit. "See? I can't take him seriously."
Sean: (Narrating) All I have to say is… what the fuck?
Pee-Wee Herman: It could be dead wrong.
"And that's all for the Top 11 Drug PSAs. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and remember winners don't do drugs." Sean said.
(We cut to a skull on a table and we see it exploding)
Mayhem Critic Tagline: This is crack.
And that's all for the Top 11 Drug PSAs for The Mayhem Critic. So, which PSA was your favorite in the countdown? My favorite was the Pee-Wee Herman PSA and the This Is Your Brain On Drugs PSA. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, now I know that the 100th episode is up next which will be the Billy Madison review, but I'm gonna save that review for November because October is coming up and a certain theme month is coming up. That's right, Halloween Havoc is back, baby! Which means, it's more movies for the month of October and yes, I'm starting Halloween Havoc early. Sean kicks off Halloween Havoc III by taking a look at Tim Burton's supernatural comedy Beetlejuice and complains about why Siskel & Ebert didn't care for the movie. Here's the list of movies that I'll be reviewing for Halloween Havoc III.
Beetlejuice
Psycho IV: The Beginning
The Return of the Living Dead (Co-Review with UltimateWarriorFan4Ever)
Scream 2
Tales from the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood
I hope that you're excited for Halloween Havoc III and the movies that I'll be reviewing. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.