The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, October is coming up and you know what that means… HALLOWEEN HAVOC IS BACK, BABY! You all know the same drill as before, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at five spooky films in October. And today, Sean kicks off Halloween Havoc by taking a look at Tim Burton's Beetlejuice, the classic 1988 fantasy comedy starring Michael Keaton and he ponders why Siskel & Ebert didn't care for the movie. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Beetlejuice is owned by The Geffen Company and Warner Bros.
Halloween Havoc III Part I
Beetlejuice
(The intro begins as we open with a little homage to The Outer Limits)
Sean: (V/O as Narrator) There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. I am controlling transmission. If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume so you could hear real loud. If i wish to make it softer (Doesn't say anything). I will control the horizontal. I can control the vertical. I can control the aspect ratio of your movie. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity or I can change the color or make the screen very bright just to blind you. And you're probably wondering why this intro is a parody of a show from the sixties that was rebooted in the nineties. For the next hour, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and hilarity which reaches from the inner mind to…
THE
MAYHEM
LIMITS
Sean: (V/O) The Mayhem Limits. Please stand by.
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, as we see him sitting on the couch in his living room wearing his Halloween getup for Halloween Havoc. He is seen wearing his black and orange long sleeved shirt, his Old Navy denim jeans, his Adidas sneakers and his Halloween baseball cap.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about Tim Burton."
(Various photos of director Tim Burton and some of his works are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this guy? He's one of my favorite directors of all-time. And to BennettThe Sage for hating on this amazing director, well he can just blow me. Tim Burton is awesome. Yeah, he casts the same actors in his movie, but the visuals that he use in his films are wonderful. He's done some great movies and some that are crap. I kinda enjoyed his adaptation of Dark Shadows, I haven't watched his adaptation of Alice in Wonderland but it looks like I'll save that movie for a future review, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was okay but Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka creeped me out a little with his daddy issues and as for the Planet of the Apes remake…. That movie was total apeshit. Now the films that I enjoyed from him are amazing. I considered Batman to be one of my favorite movies of all time, I simply adored Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Corpse Bride were also my favorites. I found his adaptation of Sleepy Hollow to be gothic and creepy and I loved it. I also loved Sweeney Todd and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. And what could I say about Mars Attacks? Another one of my favorites.
"And what better way to talk about Tim Burton is to talk about one of my favorite Tim Burton movies ever." Sean said.
(A poster for Batman is shown)
"Already reviewed that movie last year." Sean said.
(A poster for Mars Attacks is shown)
"Not Mars Attacks." Sean said.
(A poster for Darkman is shown)
"Right. Right. It's Darkman. Tim Burton directed Darkman instead of Sam Raimi. No, you fucking idiots, BEETLEJUICE!" Sean yelled out.
(The title screen for Beetlejuice is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on March 30, 1988, Beetlejuice is one of the strangest movies ever made to get mainstream attention and when it came out back in '88, it was a big deal. There was even an animated series that aired on ABC from 1989 to 1991 and on Fox Kids Network in 1991. I watched this movie with my mother when I was little. She had it on tape along with Scrooged. Hey, another movie I reviewed. And I also watched the cartoon as well when they showed it on Cartoon Network. People loved Beetlejuice, as well as the critics. But a certain review from two certain movie critics just rubbed me the wrong way.
(A clip from Siskel & Ebert's review of Beetlejuice is shown)
Gene Siskel: What to do? How to get the new people to leave? As in Ghostbusters, they must call on outside help. In this case, a wacky alien character from the Netherworld named Beetlejuice, played by Michael Keaton.
Roger Ebert: Frankly, I walked into this movie knowing nothing about it. I didn't know that it was going to be a Ghostbusters clone.
"A Ghostbusters clone? Really? They didn't care for Beetlejuice because it's a Ghostbusters clone? How is Ghostbuster and Beetlejuice alike?! What kind of drugs were they snorting or smoking? Plus, Beetlejuice is not an alien, he's a wacky, obnoxious poltergeist. A Ghostbusters clone. You know, that's like saying that Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is the same as The Fugitive." Sean said.
(A picture of Dr. Richard Kimble from The Fugitive and Batman from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm are shown along with Frederick Sykes a.k.a. the One-Armed Man and the Phantasm)
Sean: (Narrating) You have Harrison Ford and Kevin Conroy playing characters that are framed for murder and they have the law coming after them. And both films were released in 1993.
"Nah! Couldn't be. Look, the point is Siskel and Ebert are fucking idiots for Beetlejuice a Ghostbusters clone. So let's take a look at Beetlejuice and see how death is amusing." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a shot of a small town)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a small town and we get our opening credits with Danny Elfman's amazing music score. As much as I like this opening, there's something that just bugs me. How come Alec Baldwin gets top billing instead of Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton plays Beetlejuice, not Alec Baldwin. So, Michael Keaton should get top billing instead of the "And" billing.
"Don't worry, at least Sean Connery gets top billing over Alec Baldwin in The Hunt for Red October." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our opening credits, we see that the town is invaded by a giant spider.
"Yep. It ain't a Tim Burton movie unless you add something bizarre to it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it's a model town that the spider was crawling on and we're introduced to our characters of the movie Adam and Barbara Maitland, played by Alec "The Awesome Baldwin Brother" Baldwin and Geena Davis. Adam and Barbara are a cute married couple and seeing how cute they are, they spend their vacation at home and exchanging gifts with each other.
Adam Maitland (Played by Alec Baldwin): Manchurian tung oil. Where did you get this?
Barbara Maitland (Played by Geena Davis): Helen got it for me in Oslo.
Adam Maitland: Well, there's enough here to do the whole table and the bureau. (Hands Barbara her gift)
Barbara Maitland: Hmm. I wonder what this could be. (Opens her gift) Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you.
(Barbara hugs Adam)
Adam Maitland: Enough there to do the entire guest room.
"Wallpaper and Manchurian tung oil. Oh, please. Taylor got me Animaniacs Vol. 4 and Wakko's Wish and I gave her a necklace. Try and beat that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Adam and Barbara's vacation gets interrupted by Barbara's cousin Jane, played by Annie McEnroe. Jane, who's a real estate agent, tells Barbara that she's got an offer from a man in New York City who wants to buy their house but Barbara and Adam refuse the offer. So anyway, Adam and Barbara drive into town so Adam can go to the store to buy a new brush for his tung oil and during their drive back home, they come across a dog.
(Barbara swerves to avoid the dog and the car crashes into the wall of the bridge)
"Okay, this movie just got dark." Sean said.
(Adam and Barbara see the dog standing on the board, which holds the car aloft. The dog steps off of the board as the car plunges into the water)
"Now, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Adam and Barbara return home, completely fine. They're wet, but they'll be fine. But there's something a little off about them surviving that plunge into the water.
(Barbara and Adam hold their arms out to warm them. One of Barbara's hands catches fire as they both gasp. Adam notices Barbara's hand and holds it up as they both see two of her fingers burning like candles as Barbara blows them out)
"Happy birthday!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Trying to figure out how they got back up to their home, Adam heads outside to go back down to the bridge and retrace their steps until he steps into the middle of the sand desert and we get a taste of the movie's visual effects. Which looks good in Ultra 4K.
"I'm not kidding. Get the movie on Ultra 4K Blu-Ray. It looks amazing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Adam being gone for two hours. Barbara shows Adam their reflection in the mirror, but they don't see themselves in the mirror and they find a book called the Handbook for the Recently Deceased, which could only mean one thing… they're dead.
Adam Maitland: "Handbook for the Recently Diseased."
Barbara Maitland: Deceased.
Adam Maitland: "Deceased."
"Sounds like something Claudia would do." Brian said.
Barbara Maitland: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
(Adam opens the book and finds the publisher)
Adam Maitland: "Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press."
"Ah, I've heard of that publishing house. It's right next door to Newfield Publications, Random House and Scholastic. Their books about death are pretty good." Sean said.
Barbara Maitland: Just… Can you give me the basics?
Adam Maitland: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara Maitland: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven, are we halfway to hell? And how long is this gonna last?
"Let me know until you star in The Exorcist television show, sweetie. Then, I'll answer your question." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While the two of them are trying to figure out the handbook and the whole death situation. We cut to the Netherworld, where someone is reading up on them. Meanwhile, Adam and Barbara are adjusting to their new lives as being a deceased couple until they see Jane standing outside their house and Adam tries to get her attention.
Adam Maitland: Hey, Jane, up here. Jane.
(Jane doesn't see Adam as her and her daughter walk over to the car)
Barbara Maitland: Can't see you, right?
Adam Maitland: Uh-uh.
"Dude, the reason why she can't see you is because you're dead. When you're dead, nobody can see you. The living usually won't see the dead." Sean said.
Barbara Maitland: In the book, rule number two: "The living usually won't see the dead."
"I just said that." Sean said.
Barbara Maitland: God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in there.
"That's exactly what I said when I watched Cutthroat Island." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, Adam and Barbara get some unexpected visitors. You know that guy from New York City that Jane mentioned, well she sold it to the guy after Adam and Barbara died. Meet the Deetz family. This is former real estate developer Charles Deetz, played by Jeffrey Jones….
"Ewwwwwwwww. Yeah, this is a movie that I'm reviewing in which the actor is a sex offender in real life. Is it too late for me to review Exorcist II?" Sean asked.
"Who?" Brian asked.
"Jeffrey Jones. You know, the guy who played Ed Rooney on Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Sean said.
"Oh, him. Yeah, I heard about that." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Charles Deetz, you have his second wife Delia Deetz, brilliantly played by Catherine O'Hara. Delia is a sculptor who cares about her art and his daughter from his first marriage Lydia, played by a pre-Stranger Things Winona Ryder.
"Okay, let me just say this about Lydia. Lydia is the matron saint of goth girls." Sean said.
(We see different clips of Lydia Deetz from the movie, the animated series and the musical)
Sean: (Narrating) She's strange and unusual and she's the pure definition of goth. Fans of the movie idolize her. There's a line from the movie that she said that's never left me.
Lydia Deetz (Played by Winona Ryder): Live people ignore the strange and unusual. I myself am strange and unusual.
(Pictures of Winona Ryder as Veronica Sawyer in the movie Heathers are shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) After Beetlejuice, Winona Ryder would go on to play another famous character in the movie Heathers. In Heathers, she plays Veronica Sawyer, another teenage girl who's possessed by her own macabre free spirit. Lydia Deetz is one of the best characters ever. (A picture of Bella Hadid dressed as Lydia is shown) Hell, you had Bella Hadid dressed as Lydia Deetz while The Weeknd was dressed as Beetlejuice for Halloween.
"If they do a Halloween-themed episode for the fifth season of American Housewife, they better have Taylor and Trip dress up as Beetlejuice and Lydia since they dressed up as Hulk and Black Widow last season." Sean said.
Charles Deetz (Played by Jeffrey Jones): It's perfect. Just perfect. What do you think, honey?
Lydia Deetz: Delia hates it. (Sees a spider web on the railing of the stairs and a spider on the web) I could live here.
"She's like Lisa Simpson, if Lisa Simpson was a goth girl." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to Delia's interior decorator Otho Fenlock, played by Glenn Shadix, and he is here to make some changes to the house.
Charles Deetz: Let's get one thing straight.
Delia Deetz (Played by Catherine O'Hara): You're right.
Charles Deetz: We're here to enjoy the country setting, not to trash the place!
Delia Deetz: You're right.
Otho Fenlock (Played by Glenn Shadix): Charles, you're lucky the yuppies are buying condos so you can afford what I'm going to have to do to this place.
Charles Deetz: Otho, I'm here to relax and clip coupons, and, damn it, I mean to do it.
Delia Deetz: Then go do it quietly, dear, and let Otho and I think. (Licks Charles' nose)
"What the heck? Who licks their husband's nose? I know, it's just the tip of his nose, but still. Couldn't she just give him a kiss or something or some good 'ol All-American steamy sex?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Horrified at the fact that there are people living in their house and since they're ghosts, Adam and Barbara try to scare off the Deetzes, but they fail miserably as Delia and Otho are not phased by this.
Charles Deetz: (Jumps out and scares Delia and Otho) Boo!
Delia Deetz: Aah!
"Well, at least Charles managed to scare them." Sean said.
Adam Maitland: Oh, honey, this is not working out at all.
Delia Deetz: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
Charles Deetz: Ha.
Delia Deetz: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole. But I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!
"Oh, my God. I just love Catherine O'Hara in this movie and Home Alone 1 and 2. She's hilarious. This is woman is a national treasure of comedy both in America and Canada." Sean said.
(A montage of clips featuring Catherine O'Hara in different movies and Schitt's Creek are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) She's like one of my favorite actresses of all time. She's so amazing. She's done a lot of things and they're all great. I've seen her in Martin Scorsese's After Hours, Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, For Your Consideration and SCTV. Hell, she even voiced Sally in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. She also won an Emmy for her performance as Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek.
(Clips from Schitt's Creek are shown)
Moira Rose (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Greenery! We need greenery, flowers, boxwood trees and then a citywide cleanup and I will not take no for an answer.
(A picture of Catherine O'Hara and the movie's production designer Bo Welch is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Fun fact, she's married to production designer Bo Welch. Welch will go on to work on films like Ghostbusters II, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, The Men in Black trilogy, Joe Versus the Volcano and Netflix's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Hell, he was also a director and he directed such great films like…
(We see the poster for the 2003 film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat is shown)
"Oh, shit. Don't worry, this movie's time will come and I will strike vengeance upon it. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Delia and Otho head upstairs to the attic but Adam forgot to lock the attic door, so his disembodied body races up to the attic to lock the door. After that, Barbara gets frustrated about being a ghost and not being able to frighten anyone away and as her and Adam head out of the house they have a little encounter with…
(Adam and Barbara come across a sandworm)
"Okay, for a movie made in the eighties, it's visual effects look impressive and this isn't done with CGI, this was practical effect and I always thought that the sandworm looks impressive." Sean said.
(Barbara slaps the sandworm)
Sean: (V/O as the sandworm) Hey! That's not nice. Why did you hit me? I just wanted to be friends with you.
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara and Adam managed to get away from the sandworm while we cut to the Deetz family having their meal on their first night.
Delia Deetz: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
Lydia Deetz: Plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Delia Deetz: This is our first meal in this house so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
Charles Deetz: Don't bait your mother, pumpkin. Soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement, okay?
Lydia Deetz: My whole life is a darkroom. One big dark room.
"That's how I feel when I review a bad movie. My whole life is one big dark room." Sean said. "Did I mention that I love this character?"
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that the Deetzes are remodeling the house while Adam and Barbara are trying to figure out how to scare them off and they find a flyer advertising "Betelgeuse". While all this is going on, Lydia is busy taking some pictures until she spots Adam and Barbara looking out the window.
Barbara Maitland: That little girl saw us.
Adam Maitland: Honey, nobody can see us.
Barbara Maitland: But she did.
"Eh, maybe she was smoking something." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jane arrives and gives Lydia the skeleton key, which opens every door in the house and being curious to know what's up in the attic, Lydia heads up to the attic and tries to unlock the door with the key. Adam and Barbara try to stop Lydia from coming in until their television comes on and a commercial plays.
Beetlejuice (Played by Michael Keaton): Having trouble with the living? You tired of having your home space violated? You want to get rid of them pesky living critters once and for all? Well, come on down and see me, folks, I'm the afterlife's leading Bio-exorcist. Yes, sir. Come on down and I'll do anything.
"The Ghostbusters did a commercial, Beetlejuice is doing a commercial. It doesn't prove that this movie is a Ghostbusters clone." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the commercial ends, Lydia tries to unlock the door to the attic but Adam and Barbara manage to keep her out. And needing some help, Adam has read something in the book about emergencies and what to do in case of an emergency? Draw a door.
Barbara Maitland: "Draw a door"? I don't know why we keep looking in that stupid book.
(Adam draws a door on the wall)
"Hey, when I tried to draw a door on the wall, it didn't even work. All I got was a butt-whooping from my momma." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But drawing a door on the wall and knocking three times opens the door to the netherworld and they see that the afterlife is filled with people who died in such bizarre and gruesome ways and yet, they look hilarious in a family picture.
Barbara Maitland: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist (Played by Patrice Martinez): This is what happens when you die. (Points to the Char Man) That is what happens when he dies. (Points to the others) And that is what happens when they die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident. (Holds up her wrists, revealing that she slit her wrists)
"Yeah, I wanted to make a little 13 Reasons Why joke but that will be too controversial for this review and I don't want to offend people. So, let's scrap that one and move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the afterlife is structured according to a complex bureaucracy and let's take some time to appreciate the production design, it looks amazing. Anyway, they head to their home and they see that everything is different and they meet their caseworker Juno, played by Sylvia Sidney, who won the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress for her role.
Juno (Played by Sylvia Sidney): I evaluate individual cases and determine if help is needed, deserved and available.
Adam Maitland: Are you available?
Juno: No. What's wrong?
Barbara Maitland: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead!
"You think you're happy about being dead? Being dead is a nightmare." Sean said, imitating Juno.
"Sylvia Sidney. Wasn't she the aunt in Damien: Omen II?" Brian asked, thinking he recognized the name.
"Yep. That's her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam tells Juno that they want to get rid of the Deetz family out of their house because him and Barbara worked very hard on it but they wouldn't mind sharing the house with people who are more like them and not trendy and yuppieish. Juno then tells them about getting them out of the house themselves because it's their house and she lists their failed attempts at scaring them off.
Juno: Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
"If you want to give people a good scare, try doing the fake burglar prank. I've tried that on Taylor, but she ended up spraying me in the face with pepper spray. Never again." Sean said.
Juno: You should have been studying those lessons since day one. (Her watch beeps) Ooh, I've got to go.
Barbara Maitland: What about that guy in the flyer, Betel-?
Juno: Shh! Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
Barbara Maitland: Well-
Adam Maitland: We might.
Juno: No, you don't. He does not work well with others.
Barbara Maitland: What do you mean?
(Juno smokes her cigarette and smoke comes out from her throat)
"See that, kids? This is what happens when you smoke. You end up getting your throat slit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Juno tells Adam and Barbara about Beetlejuice and things get eerie. Turns out that Beetlejuice used to be Juno's assistant but he was a troublemaker and he went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcists, which got him into more trouble and he's been staying at their cemetery in Adam's model town. Oh, and Juno brings up that the only way that he can be brought back is by calling his name three times and she strongly suggests that they get rid of the Deetzes themselves. So, while Adam and Barbara attempt to scare off the Deetzes, a fly flies onto the cemetery and Beetlejuice tries to get it's attention.
Beetlejuice: (To the fly) Hey, you. Hey, come here. Hungry? Come on. Hey, come here. (Pulls out a Zagnut candy bar and holds it up to get the fly's attention) I got something good for you. Come on. Come on over. We'll have a little bite, you'll have something to nosh. (Laughs) Come here!
(Beetlejuice grabs the fly and drags it into the ground)
Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!
"And a little reference to The Fly. No, not the David Cronenberg version. The 1958 version." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Charles is on the phone with his former boss in New York Maxie Dean, played by Robert Goulet, and he's hoping on wanting his boss to invest money on the house in the countryside and wanting to buy the whole town. So, he convinces him to come up to the house and see. After his call, Adam and Barbara attempt to scare Charles with wearing bed sheet and here's how it turned out.
(Charles opens the door and sees Adam, who's dressed as a ghost with a bed sheet over his body)
Charles Deetz: Jeez, Lydia, is Connecticut so boring? I had Maxi Dean on the phone, honey. Dad's found a way of making some money while I relax, so would you scram? (Closes the door and opens it) Your mother's gonna kill you when she sees you cut holes in her $300 sheets.
"Connecticut being boring? Come on, Stacey McGill lived in New York and she moved to Stoneybrook, Connecticut with her family and working in a babysitting business with her friends. It's not that boring. Also, $300 sheets? How trendy are these assholes?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam and Barbara try their luck into scaring Delia while they're dressed up as Charlie Brown, but no luck. But then, they're spotted by Lydia, who takes pictures of them and yet she's not scared of them because of her strange nature.
Adam Maitland: Aren't you scared?
Lydia Deetz: I'm not scared of sheets. Aren't you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam Maitland: Night of the what?
Lydia Deetz: Living Dead. It's a movie.
"A movie that was directed by George A. Romero back in 1968 and there was a remake that was directed by Tom Savini back in 1990." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam and Barbara get to know Lydia and explains to her that they're trying to scare them off but Lydia's father doesn't walk away from equity. Anyway, the next morning Lydia tells Delia that there are ghosts in the house but she doesn't believe any of it because she's busy preparing for a dinner party for her agent and a few others.
Lydia Deetz: I told them you were too mean to be afraid.
Delia Deetz: Don't you dare speak to others about me! The only thing that scares me is being embarrassed in front of the few hip people I get to set foot in this part of Connecticut. So let's play family just for tonight, hmm?
"That's not the only thing that scares. Leaving her child alone at home while there are burglars around trying to kill him is her worst fear." Sean said, referencing Home Alone.
Sean: (Narrating) Since Lydia's parents don't believe her about the ghosts in the house, Adam and Barbara decided to get some help by calling Beetlejuice by saying his name three times.
Barbara Maitland: (Sees the flashing light on coming from the model town) It's him. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Adam Maitland: Go ahead, Barbara, say it.
"Are you sure you want to do that? Remember what Juno said about him being trouble and all that?" Sean asked.
Barbara Maitland: Beetlejuice!
(Adam and Barbara get transported into the model town)
Barbara Maitland: What happened?
Adam Maitland: I think we're in the model.
"Eh, to hell what she said." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam and Barbara make their way over to Beetlejuice's grave and they dig it up, in which they summon him. Beetlejuice, who's hilariously played by Michael Keaton is the best part about this movie, he steals the show.
Beetlejuice: Alright, let's get down to business. (Searches his pockets) I've got a card around here somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? (Pulls out a rat and hands it to Barbara) Here, hold that for me, will you?
Barbara Maitland: Whoa! Ah! (Throws the rat away)
Beetlejuice: There you go.
Adam Maitland: You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah, possession. Good.
Barbara Maitland: (Possessed by Beetlejuice) Learn to throw your voice. Fool your friends. Fun at parties. (Gasps and talks in her normal voice) No. We just wanna get some people out of our house.
"He's like Robin Williams, Jack Nicholson and Krusty the Clown combined into one. He's the undead version of Mark Hamill's Joker. And this is the same guy who will go on to play Batman a year later." Sean said.
Adam Maitland: What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: (In cultured voice) Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard. I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively, I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. (In normal voice) I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it! Not to mention the fact that you're talking to a dead guy! Now, what do you think? You think I'm qualified.
"Wow, he went straight from Bruce Wayne to Beetlejuice from zero to ten seconds." Sean laughed. "Man, Keaton is a ball of fun."
Sean: (Narrating) Beetlejuice wants to work with Adam and Barbara to get the Deetzes out of their home, but the lovely couple has made a big mistake about him because of his crude personality. So, they refuse to work with him and we get one of my favorite scenes from the movie.
Beetlejuice: You bunch of losers! You're working with a professional here! (Kicks down the model tree) Nice fucking model! (Grabs his crotch which makes a honking sound)
"Yeah, this is '80s PG rating. And mind you, they showed this movie on Disney Channel back then. Remember when they used to show that movie on Disney Channel? I'm sure they cut out that line in the edited version because they wouldn't let that word slide." Sean said. "In fact, I think this is how the edited version went."
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Beetlejuice) You bunch of losers! You're working with a professional here! (Kicks down the model tree)
(We cut to Adam and Barbara in the attic as Adam picks up the model tree)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Adam and Barbara figured, to hell with Beetlejuice, they can scare off the Deetzes themselves. Speaking of the Deetzes, we see that they're having a little dinner party with Otho, Beryl played by Adelle Lutz, Delia's agent Bernard played by Dick Cavett and Cheryl played by Susan Kellermann.
"Okay, so we have Robert Goulet and Dick Cavett in the same movie. What's next, Tom Jones makes a cameo?" Sean asked. "Nah, better save that for Mars Attacks."
Otho Fenlock: (To Beryl) I just hope it wasn't yet another of your dreary suicide attempts. You know what they say about people who commit suicide? In the afterlife, they become civil servants.
(They laugh)
Bernard (Played by Dick Cavett): Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
Otho: Well, of course. You remember. After my stint with The Living Theater I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers until the bottom dropped out in '72.
"Hmm, I guess Otho was the lost Ghostbuster. Also, this movie is not a Ghostbusters clone." Sean said.
Beryl (Played by Adelle Lutz): Paranormal? Is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho Fenlock: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
(A clip from Training Day is shown)
Alonzo (Played by Denzel Washington): Goddamn, boy! That's what I'm talking about, Jake.
Lydia Deetz: I saw some ghosts.
(Delia chuckles)
Delia Deetz: It's a little private joke Lydia and I share.
Lydia Deetz: It's not a joke.
Delia Deetz: Yes, it is. Just today, uh, just today she tried to convince me that this house is haunted. Kids! You know, I love them!
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Let me know when you don't accidentally leave your kid behind at home, you neglectful bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the best part of the movie where Delia breaks down into a song and dance number by singing "Day-O" with the sound of Harry Belafonte's voice and everyone starts dancing.
(We see Delia, Charles and the guests start singing and dancing to the song "Day-O")
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out to be a plan to scare the Deetzes out of the house and scary shrimp hands pop out and grab their faces. Adam and Barbara are happy that their plan worked out, but apparently they're not phased by this because Lydia tells them that they want them to come downstairs. We see that Charles, Delia and the rest of the guests are amused by this but Mr. Cavett here is not amused until he sees some real proof that ghosts exist.
Grace (Played by Susan Kellermann): But, Bernard, what about this table?
Delia Deetz: What just happened, what was that? And what money? Don't you believe in my work?
"Yeah, Bernard, don't you believe in Catherine O'Hara's comedy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia returns to tell her family that Adam and Barbara are not coming downstairs because they were trying to scare them away and that they didn't get scared. But sadly, Bernard, Grace and Beryl leave the house and Bernard has some choice words to say to Delia.
Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
"In the words of Adam Sandler from 50 First Dates… WHAT AN ASSHOLE!" Sean yelled out.
Otho Fenlock: Where do they hide out?
Lydia Deetz: The attic.
Charles Deetz: The attic's locked.
Lydia Deetz: They're ghosts, Dad. They can do what they want.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia takes them upstairs to the attic for them to see the ghosts, but Adam and Barbara won't let them in that easily.
Delia Deetz: (Knocks on the door) Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll draf you out by the ropes you hanged yourself with!
Lydia Deetz: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
Delia Deetz: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here. You have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you. (Knocks on the door) Open up!
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to Sean, who's playing a ghost, as we see him sitting on the couch watching television)
Stacey McGill: (On television) Oh, my God. Wait you're going to Burger Garden later? That's insane! Guess where I'm gonna be.
Delia Deetz: (Knocks on the door) Open up!
Sean: (Gets irritated) Hey, shut the fuck up! I'm trying to watch The Babysitters Club on Netflix here! Boy that Stacey sure is boy-crazy.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(The attic door opens as Lydia, Charles, Delia and Otho enter the attic, only to see the model town that Adam built)
Delia Deetz: So where are they?
Lydia Deetz: Listen, you guys, these ghosts are really nice people. I think we scared them away, so let's just leave them alone, all right?
Charles Deetz: (Gets fascinated by the model town) It's the whole damn town.
Delia Deetz: I have never been so embarrassed. They haven't gone for good, have they?
Otho Fenlock: Hmm. (Looks around the attic)
Charles Deetz: (Plays around with the model car) Beep, beep.
Lydia Deetz: Dad, don't.
"Oh, come on. At least let the guy have a little fun playing around with the toy car." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While exploring the attic, Otho comes across the handbook and he takes it after they leave the attic. But it turns out that Adam and Barbara were hiding from them by hanging out of the window. Which gives Beetlejuice some time to scare off the Deetzes, and he does this by…
(A hissing and rattling sound is heard as Delia looks down at the railing and noticed that it turned into a snake, the railing turns out to be Beetlejuice, who turned himself into a snake)
"My worst nightmare ever." Sean said.
(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark plays)
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
(A picture of Zuul from Ghostbusters, the Phantasm from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and Spider-Mohawk from Gremlins 2: The New Batch is shown while the scene where Beetlejuice scares the Deetzes is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) There are certain things from my childhood that scared the mess out of me. There's Zuul from Ghostbuster, the Phantasm from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and Mohawk when he turned into a half spider half gremlin in Gremlins 2. Then you have Beetlejuice turning into a snake because of my fear of snakes. If I ended up coming across those things in my dreams, I would probably be dead. Anyway, Beetlejuice scares the everloving shit out of the Deetzes and he tries to kill Charles by dropping him to the floor. He goes right for Lydia but is thwarted by Barbara.
Barbara Maitland: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!
Beetlejuice: Oh, no!
(Beetlejuice gets sent back and the railing turns back to normal)
Lydia Deetz: (Sees Barbara) Why are you doing this?! Leave me alone, all of you! (Runs to her room)
"Hey, at least it wasn't the Demogorgon that they unleashed to come after you and your family and believe me you've seen some stranger things in your time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Adam and Barbara learned that the snake was Beetlejuice trying to scare off the Deetzes and he's upset with them for interrupting his work and he doesn't want to do business with them and he's interested in someone else.
Beetlejuice: The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.
Barbara Maitland: (Picks up Beetlejuice) You leave her alone, you…
(Spikes pop out of Beetlejuice, pricking Barbara's finger, causing her to drop him. He lands safely on the ground, mostly because of the spikes sticking into the ground and he gets up to dust himself off)
Beetlejuice: Go ahead, make my millennium. (Laughs)
"The defense mechanism of the ghoul. Spikes. I need a defense mechanism like that for when O'Doyle comes after me." Sean said.
Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, uh, ooh, anxious, if you know what I mean. It's been about 600 years, after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action.
(Beetlejuice comes across a whorehouse filled with hot, demonic ladies)
Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah. Here I come, baby. (He goes to the whorehouse) Oh, yeah. Hey, Adam, nice move.
"This is the same movie that was shown on Disney Channel and spawned an animated show for kids. Also, Ghostbusters had the Ghostbusters drinking and smoking and cursing and Ray getting a blowjob from a sexy ghost and it spawned an animated show for kids and we watched that and the movie and they showed Ghostbusters II on Disney Channel. Again, BEETLEJUICE IS NOT A GHOSTBUSTERS CLONE!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Adam and Barbara are sent back to the Netherworld to speak with Juno. Turns out that the whorehouse was her idea and she wants Beetlejuice out of the picture. Not only that, she's livid about their little screw-ups.
Juno: I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed. And you let Beetlejuice out and didn't put him back. And you let Otho get hold of the handbook.
Adam Maitland: The handbook. When?
Juno: Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
"Well, we do have shows about that. We have Ghost Hunters and any other show about the paranormal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the Deetzes, we see Charles and Delia relaxing outside to enjoy the country life while pondering the events from last night.
Charles Deetz: Snakes. Ghosts.
Delia Deetz: Shrimp.
"What a wild night." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from that, Otho lets them know that Maxie Dean is coming up to the house and Charles has got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. Back with Lydia, sees sitting in her room writing a letter while Opera music plays in the background and I just love the setting, she's sitting in darkness.
Lydia Deetz: "I am utterly alone. By the time you read this, I will be gone. Having jumped… Having plummeted off the Winter River Bridge."
"Well, damn! A teenage girl is talking about killing herself in a PG movie. Yeah, this movie got extremely dark." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, Juno wants Adam and Barbara to get the Deetzes out of the house immediately. And how are they going to do that?
(Adam takes off his glasses and grabs his nose with one hand and stick his other hand into his mouth, turning him into a deformed looking ghost. He then removes his eyeballs from out of his eyes and has eyeballs for fingers. As for Barbara, she rolls her eyes in the back of her head and flicks them out, she then opens her mouth wide and her eyeballs stick out of her mouth)
"You know what? That's what I love about this movie. The makeup effects look amazing. Without the use of CGI." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Adam and Barbara head back to scare off the Deetzes, we cut back to Lydia as she arrives at the attic to leave the suicide note for them to read, until she comes across Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I gotta tell you, this uh, this death thing… (Sees a roach on the floor and grabs it and eats it) It's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends from the outside that I said I'd meet, you know. It's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, you know. So I was just wondering, could you help me get out of here?
Lydia Deetz: (Sighs) I wanna get in.
Beetlejuice: Why?
"So that the Beetz fanbase could write millions of fanfics about you two." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, so Beetlejuice tries to get Lydia to say his name three times, he only got her to say it twice, but she's not sure about this and wants to speak to Barbara. Speaking of Barbara, we see her and Adam getting ready to head back to scare the Deetzes, but Barbara is unsure about scaring them because they like Lydia. So when they head back, they find Lydia getting ready to say Beetlejuice's name three times, but they stop her just in time, only by scaring the wits out of her for a bit.
Barbara Maitland: What's going on?
Lydia Deetz: Beetle…
Barbara Maitland: Shh!
Lydia Deetz: He told me that if I let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.
Barbara Maitland: No, Lydia, we're dead.
Lydia Deetz: I wanna be dead too.
Barbara Maitland: No! Lydia, being dead doesn't make things any easier.
"I mean, look at me and Adam. We're both going to be doing a movie that's going to kill our career." Sean said, imitating Barbara as posters for the 1994 movie The Getaway starring Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger and the 1995 movie Cutthroat Island starring Geena Davis are both shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara lets Lydia know that they've decided to invite her and her family to stay, until they're interrupted by Otho and Charles taking the model town. Why do they need the model town? To present it to Maxie Dean and his wife Sarah, played by Maree Cheatham.
"For those of you who don't know who Maree Cheatham is, she played Nona in Sam & Cat." Sean said.
Maxie Dean (Played by Robert Goulet): Charles, we're here to see some ghosts.
Lydia Deetz: They're not here anymore.
Charles Deetz: (Scoffs) Every time she says that, the paint peels and, uh, some wild creature tries to kill us. (Laughs)
Sarah Dean (Played by Maree Cheatham): But we have pictures, Lydia.
Lydia Deetz: No, really. They said they might come back and we could all live here if you agreed not to tease them or make them do stupid tricks.
Delia Deetz: She has such a tendency to overreact. Don't worry, we're not relying on her. We have Otho.
Sean: (Narrating) And since they have Otho, he tells them that they're still here and with the handbook, he can make them appear. So, they set up a ritual by summoning Adam and Barbara into their wedding clothes, but they begin to decay.
Delia Deetz: What's happening to them?
Otho Fenlock: I don't know. (He checks the handbook)
Lydia Deetz: They're dying!
Maxie Dean: No, they're not. They're already dead. They can't feel a thing.
(Adam and Barbara start decaying)
Lydia Deetz: That's not true. Look at them!
Charles Deetz: All right, that's enough now. Can you stop this? Otho?
Otho Fenlock: It's too late, Charles. I'm sorry.
"So, you thought that this was a seance, but it's actually an exorcism. Boy, you're such an ass that is dumb. A dumbass!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But now, Lydia has no choice but to call on Beetlejuice for help, but here's the catch: she has to marry him in order for him to be freed into the moral world. So she agrees and summons him and this is where the fun begins.
Lydia Deetz: Beetlejuice… Beetlejuice… Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: It's showtime.
(Beetlejuice is summoned into the mortal world)
Beetlejuice: Attention, K-Mart shoppers.
(Maxie and Sarah see Beetlejuice emerging from the model town)
Beetlejuice: Well, I'm happy. I feel real good about myself. You know what I mean? So, without further delay… (The carousel hat on his head starts moving and lights up) Welcome to Winter River Museum of Natural Greed. A monument to the bored businessman. Come on, a little closer. Step right up. Test your strength.
Sean: (Narrating) So Beetlejuice disposes of Maxie and his wife by turning his arms into hammers and sends them flying up to the roof by testing his strength Shao Kahn-style and then he goes full-on stand-up comedian on our asses.
Beetlejuice: Thank you! Thank you! Whoo! That is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, babe. I won't. I won't do them. Well, what have we got here tonight, kids? (Sees a decaying Adam and Barbara) Ooh. Well, we've got the, uh, Maitlands. Ah, I think they've had enough exercise for tonight. (Knocks Adam and Barbara down)
"Man, am I killing or what?" Sean asked, imitating Beetlejuice. "These jokes will make you dead tired."
Delia Deetz: Otho.
(Beetlejuice sees Otho. A spotlight shines on him as Beetlejuice alters his suit into a summer suit. Otho is mortified and screams as he runs away in embarrassment)
Sean: (V/O as Otho) Aaah! Pastels, a designer's worst nightmare!
Beetlejuice: (To Charles and Delia) Mom, Dad: I just want you two to know you're welcome in our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, Dad.
(He puts two snakes in Charles' hand)
Sean: (Narrating) Since, Beetlejuice is in the mortal world, he now has to get married. To who, you might ask. Well, to Lydia, of course. Which is a bit creepy with the fact that this guy is about to marry a 16-year-old. And you have her parents as witnesses and he needs a minister to wed Lydia, before Adam and Barbara try to stop him, of course.
Beetlejuice: Take a hike.
(Beetlejuice sends Adam into the model town)
Barbara Maitland: Beetlejuice.
(Beetlejuice squeals, a zipper pops up on Barbara's lips, shutting her up)
Barbara Maitland: (Unzips her lip) Beetlejuice!
Beetlejuice: Oh, gee.
(Beetlejuice shuts Barbara up by throwing a metal bar on her mouth)
Beetlejuice: Strike!
"Hey, that's one way to shut somebody up. I wish I could use that on Taylor every time she runs her big mouth." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Beetlejuice sends Barbara to Saturn, where she comes across the sandworm. But before Beetlejuice could wed Lydia to make her his wife, Adam manages to cut the wedding short by driving the model car into his foot and Barbara comes in riding on a sandworm which devours Beetlejuice.
(The sandworm devours Beetlejuice and the words "Fatality" pops up on the screen)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) Fatality! Sandworm wins.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Beetlejuice is dead. Adam and Barbara return to the land of the living and the Maitlands and the Deetzes agree to live in harmony within the house and Lydia celebrates after getting an A on her math test to Harry Belafonte's "Jump in the Line". As for Beetlejuice, he's sitting in the afterlife waiting room trying to cut in line.
Beetlejuice: (To the witch doctor) Pardon me. Did you do that? That's very nice work. Let me ask you something, how do you get them down so small. Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King! (Switches numbers with the witch doctor while he's not looking) Well, looks like I'm next. (Chuckles) Good thing too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. You know they've been after me for months. Doing some kind of underwear deal, I don't know…
(The witch doctor sprinkles some magic dust onto Beetlejuice's head, causing his head to shrink)
Beetlejuice: (While his head shrinks) Whoa! Hey, what are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair. (In high-pitched voice) Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
"Well, it's true that a lot of ladies love it when you give them a little head." Sean said as the audience boos at his bad joke. "What? What? What? You know it's true! Anyway, that was Beetlejuice and it's still amazing as ever and hilarious."
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, what's there to say about this movie? It's freaking hilarious. I've got nothing bad to say about this movie. It's bizarre, funny and a perfect combination of bizarre horror and comedy. The visual effects still hold up to this day. The acting is amazing as well, I especially love Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice, he stole the show. As for the rest of the cast are great too. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis were sweet and romantic as Adam and Barbara Maitland, Catherine O'Hara is hilarious as Delia Deetz and Winona Ryder as Lydia is an iconic character and she works well with Alec and Geena, it's like that Adam and Barbara are second parents to Lydia. Danny Elfman's music is pretty good and man, wait till Batman, his music score is epic. There was a sequel in the works called Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian but sadly, that sequel is shelved but I wish that they made this sequel. So yeah, Beetlejuice is the best comedy ever. I'd honestly rank it in the top 5 of the Tim Burton films of all time. So do yourself a favor and check it out. Beetlejuice comes in at 5 sandworms out of 5.
"Thanks for tuning in, guys. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and there will be more Halloween Havoc coming your way." Sean said as he makes his evil laugh while we hear the sound of lightning.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Nice fucking model! (Honk honk)
And that's all for my review of Beetlejuice. I hope that you all enjoyed this review and the start of Halloween Havoc III. Next time on Halloween Havoc III, Sean takes a look at the 1990 made-for-television sequel Psycho IV: The Beginning, the final entry in the Psycho film series and he asks if it's a hidden gem or a forgotten sequel. Feel free to leave a comment on this story and add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to help out with any of the movies that I'm reviewing for Halloween Havoc like Psycho IV, The Return of the Living Dead, Scream 2 and Tales from the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.