The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean, Taylor and Brian took a look at the top 11 best Animaniacs episodes. Today, you're in for a special treat. Today, Sean pays tribute to very talented actor, and that actor is Sean Connery, and he takes a look at the unofficial rival Bond film Never Say Never Again, a movie that was competing with EON's Octopussy in 1983. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Never Say Never Again is owned by Warner Bros., Taliafilm and Orion Pictures.
Episode 106
Never Say Never Again
The episode begins as the James Bond theme is played out while a certain white dot appears on the screen scrolling to the right all before it goes to a close up and reveals Sean The Mayhem Critic walking in dressed in his fancy black tuxedo. He then faces to the camera and shoots a blank coming from his gun, followed by a stream of blood coming down the entire white dot. It then shakes a bit before the dot goes to the upper far right and pops up in clear color, showing the Sean The Mayhem Critic in his couch sipping down on his martini glass, which happens to be filled with General Washington's Tavern Porter.
He then shook his head in disgust before saying to his hired butler Brian, "Hey, I wanted this beer shaken, not stirred."
"My apologies, dear sire." Brian nodded, "I shall offer you a fresh beer shaken."
"That's better, and bring it to me in a beerstein like I want." Sean said to his butler before staring to the camera and said, "Oh, hi. Didn't quite see you there. The name's Critic. Mayhem Critic. And since I'm in a James Bond kind of mood today, let's talk about the best Bond ever."
(A clip of the film "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" is shown.)
James Bond (played by George Lazenby): This never happened to the other fellow.
"Eh, not quite." Sean shook his head.
(A clip of the film "The Living Daylights" is shown.)
James Bond (played by Timothy Dalton): Bond. James Bond.
"Not who I was thinking." Sean shook his head again.
(A clip of the film "Live And Let Die" is shown.)
James Bond (played by Roger Moore): I've certainly would've killed you before.
"You're getting a little warm." Sean nodded to the camera.
(A clip of the film "Casino Royale" plays.)
James Bond (played by Daniel Craig): I've got a little itch down there, would you mind?
"Yeah, getting quite warm." Sean nodded.
(A clip of the film "Goldeneye" plays.)
James Bond (played by Pierce Brosnan): Name's Bond. James Bond.
"You're getting very warm." Sean smirked to the camera.
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown featuring Bronn.)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fucking Lannis...
Sean then shouted angrily, "Oh, god dammit, are you all frickin' trying? THIS is the Bond I'm talking about!"
(A clip of the film "Dr. No" plays)
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Bond. James Bond.
"There we go. Thank you." Sean said.
(Various movies featuring Sean Connery as James Bond in the movies Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice and Diamonds Are Forever are shown in a montage while the James Bond theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Sean Connery? He was one of the best Bonds ever. He made his debut as James Bond in the 1962 film Dr. No. He played the iconic character in six films. Okay, make that seven films. So I know what you're all thinking, "Sean, didn't Sean Connery do six movies?
"Well, yes. But technically, it's seven films that he did. And that one film is not an official Bond movie. And it's a little film titled Never Say Never…" Sean said.
(The poster for the movie Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is shown while the song "Never Say Never" starts playing)
"...Again! The movie that I'm talking about is Never Say Never Again, not that shitty-ass Justin Bieber movie." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown while clips from the movie start playing while the title song sung by Lani Hall starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on October 7th, 1983, Never Say Never Again marked the seventh and final on-screen appearance of Sean Connery as James Bond 007. The movie is a remake of the 1965 movie Thunderball. Now, I would tell you the long and complicated story concerning lawsuits and legal issues on how an unofficial Bond film came about but I'll give you all the short version. Back in the '60s, Ian Fleming worked with independent producer Kevin McClory and screenwriter Jack Whittingham on a script for a potential Bond film called "Longitude 78 West", but that idea was scrapped due to the costs of filming involved. But Fleming turned this idea into a novel simply titled "Thunderball", and he didn't credit either McClory and Whittingham. This pissed off McClory, so he took Fleming to the High Court in London for breach of copyright. In 1963, the matter was settled as McClory was awarded the film rights to Thunderball, in which he would produce the movie. Years after Thunderball was made, the rights to the story Thunderball and the criminal organization SPECTRE were all referred back to him. So he was ready to make his rival Bond movie. So, McClory teamed with producer Jack Schwartzman and his production company Taliafilm, named after his second wife Talia Shire, and Warner Bros. to make this non-canon Bond movie. With Lorenzo Semple Jr. at the helm as screenwriter and Irvin Kershner, the director of The Empire Strikes Back and RoboCop 2 directing the movie. Around this time, production was also gearing up on Octopussy, the 13th entry in the official Bond series. And with Roger Moore returning for his sixth time as 007, McClory and gang needed a big name to compete in the box office, in which the press would call it "The Battle of the Bonds". And enter, Sean Connery, who would return as Bond after doing some terrible movies like Zardoz and Wrong is Right. After a 12-year absence, Connery would reprise the role that made him famous. Also, the title "Never Say Never Again" came from Connery's wife Micheline, the title referred to her husband's vow because after he finished Diamonds Are Forever, he vowed that he would never play Bond again. So now, it's Connery vs. Moore, which Bond is the best?
"So, as a tribute to my favorite actor and favorite Bond, I will be talking about this movie. Did he go out with a bang or did he go out with a bullet in his head? Let's take a look at Never Say Never Again. P.S.: Octopussy is a better Bond movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, our action-packed adventure starts with the traditional James Bond gunbarrel sequence... (Sees that it's not the traditional gunbarrel sequence) What the Jocktopus? Wait a minute…
"Where the hell is the gunbarrel opening? We don't have the gunbarrel opening? What kind of bullshit is this? The official Bond movies have the gunbarrel opening and not this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. An unofficial Bond movie that doesn't have the traditional gunbarrel sequence. All we get are a bunch of silhouetted 007s. And then we get the title song "Never Say Never Again" sung by Lani Hall and it plays during the opening scene where James Bond, played by Sean Connery, sneaks into some facility. And I just like to say that this song... okay, I have a soft spot for this song. It's a little lame, but I like it. Also, I would just like to point out that there was a rejected version sung by Phyllis Hyman.
"I wonder what's wrong with that version and why they chose the Lani Hall version instead." Sean said.
(The opening credits play. Instead of Lani Hall's version of the song, Phyllis Hyman's version of the song plays)
Sean looks at the camera with a shocked look on his face.
"That version was better than the crappy Lani Hall version!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) And what makes it bad enough is that you have this damn song playing throughout the opening scene of the movie. Can you imagine one of the official Bond movies doing that type of thing?
(A clip of the opening scene of Octopussy plays while Rita Coolidge's "All Time High" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) During the opening scene, Bond sneaks into the facility by knocking out one of the guards with a punch, distracting the other guards by throwing a frisbee, strangling another guard and putting another guard to sleep with a stun dart. He then crashes through the window and takes out the rest of the guards with a machine gun that doesn't fire any bullets and he gets into a fight with another guard before rescuing a kidnapped woman.
(Bond unties the captive woman. While he's freeing her, the woman reaches behind the pillow to grab a knife and stabs him)
"Oh, well he's dead! Movie's over. Roll credits!" Sean exclaimed.
(The end credits for the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, I'm just kidding. Actually, it was a training exercise that Bond was doing. Oh, so that's why there were no bullets coming out of that machine gun, well mostly because he was using blanks. But can you explain the part where he strangled that one guard? Did he kill him or is that guy alright? Anyway, M is pissed at Bond for failing the training exercise. I would just like to point out that in this movie, M is played by Edward Fox and in Thunderball M is portrayed by the late Bernard Lee.
M (Played by Edward Fox): You should have studied the plot more carefully. Fanatical revolutionaries kidnap a millionaire's daughter and hold her captive for eight weeks. Of course she could have been brainwashed. Could have turned. Evidently she did.
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): With due respect, sir. I played your war games for two weeks and I only got killed once.
M: Twice. You've forgotten the land mine on the Black Sea beach.
"Man, they made M a real dick in this movie. I mean, he basically have no faith in Bond whatsoever." Sean said.
M: Too many free radicals, that's your problem.
James Bond: Free radicals, sir?
M: Yeah, they're toxins that destroy the body and the brain. Caused by eating too much red meat and white bread and too many dry martinis.
James Bond: Then I shall cut out the white bread, sir.
M: You'll do more than that, 007. From now on, you will be suffering a strict regimen of diet and exercise. We shall purge those toxins from you.
"Jesus, M sounds like my girlfriend every time I eat something unhealthy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also get our movie's version of Miss Moneypenny, played by Pamela Salem. In Thunderball, she was portrayed by Lois Maxwell. You know, they could've gotten any actress to play Moneypenny in this version, I completely forgot that she was even in this movie. Much like in Thunderball, Bond goes over to the health spa Shrublands. In this film, Connery's age and condition is actually acknowledged, which is an interesting theme in this movie because Bond is aging. Connery was 52 years old at the time when they filmed this movie and he looks pretty good in this movie.
Doctor at Shrublands (Played by Michael Medwin): I want to open your mind to the virtues of nutrition, proper exercise, meditation, and hopefully, spiritual enlightenment. I'd like you to see the iridologist at 4:00, have a colonic at 5:00, and then you can cut along to the light-dining room and have a refreshing cup of parsley tea.
"Damn, all that for him to stay in shape? Come on, don't deny the man his vodka martini and his medium-rare steak." Sean said.
Nurse at Shrublands (Played by Lucy Hornak): Mr. Bond, I need a urine sample. If you could fill this beaker for me.
James Bond: From here?
Sean: (V/O as Bond) While I'm at it, how about I give you a sperm sample? If you know what I mean.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Villain HQ and we're introduced to the best thing about this movie, Fatima Blush played by Barbara Carrera, who will be this movie's version of Fiona Volpe. In Thunderball, Fiona Volpe was played by Luciana Paluzzi. Hell, Fatima Blush is even better than the original.
"Yes, I said it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Carrera plays the character in an eccentric matter, with some weird clothing choices and subtle sexiness and I really dig this character. We see that she's a member of the criminal organization known as SPECTRE and we follow her along into the SPECTRE meeting room, which doesn't look like the grand and awesome Ken Adam film set from Thunderball, in this version it kinda looks like a pathetic tupperware party for middle-aged people. And we also get our movie's version of Blofeld, played by Max Von Sydow.
Blofeld (Played by Max Von Sydow): In matters of death, SPECTRE is strictly impartial. Now for the future. SPECTRE's most audacious enterprise of any, next to which our previous ventures are inconsequential. Our esteemed Number One is in complete charge of the entire operation, which will henceforth be called "The Tears of Allah."
"I won't be doing much in this movie, but at least I'm not seen in drag or making clones of myself." Sean said, imitating Blofeld and petting Riley while referencing Charles Gray's Blofeld from Diamonds Are Forever.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the villain's plot is the same as in Thunderball, they want to steal two nuclear warheads from the U.S. Army, hide them somewhere in the world and ransom the world with them by threatening to use them. We also get our movie's version of Largo, brilliantly played by Klaus Maria Brandauer, and it's a completely different take from the character. In this one, Largo's name is Maximillian, and in Thunderball, Largo's name was Emilio and he had an eyepatch. Also, Largo was played by Adolfo Celi in Thunderball. Back at Shrublands, Bond meets his nurse and...
(We see Bond and his nurse rocking back and forth)
"Whoa whoa whoa woah woah! Hey, now! Keep it clean, you two." Sean said.
(It turns out that his nurse as cracking his bones)
Sean: (V/O) Oh.
"I'm keeping my eye on you, PG movie." Sean said as he does the watching motion with his hand)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bond is being treated by his nurse named Patricia Fearing, played by Prunella Gee, and immediately he starts hitting on her and he gets her into bed. Not by blackmailing her like in the original film, but by showing off his briefcase filled with vodka and suave dishes that will make her take her panties off for him.
Patricia Fearing (Played by Prunella Gee): I don't think you got your reputation by living on a diet of wild rice. So, lentil delight. Dandelion salad. Goat's cheese.
James Bond: (Opens his briefcase) Beluga caviar. Quail's eggs. Vodka. Foie gras.
(Bond feeds Patricia a cracker with foie gras on top)
James Bond: Strasbourg.
"Foie gras. What is foie gras?" Sean asked as he picks up his phone to look up what foie gras is. "Alright, here it is. Foie gras is a specialty food product made of the liver of a duck or goose. Uh, Sir Roger Moore is not going to be happy about this."
(We cut to a PETA PSA with Sir Roger Moore talking about foie gras)
Sir Roger Moore: (V/O) Please join me and countless people everywhere by never eating foie gras and by telling your friends, your relatives and restaurant owners that foie gras is a disease not a delicacy.
"It's a good thing that I don't eat foie gras." Sean said.
"Huh, I've had duck some times, never goose." Brian said, "And as Basil Fawlty would say, "if you don't like duck, you're rather stuck."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Fatima Blush is disguised as a nurse and she enters the room of a patient. A U.S. Air Force pilot named Jack Petachi, played by Gavan O'Herlihy, and…
(Fatima yanks the bandage off of Jack's eye and grabs him by his throat)
Fatima Blush (Played by Barbara Carrera): Jack must do as he's told if he wants his fast cars and his pretty clothes. And if he wants to keep his sister alive, he's got to…
Jack Petachi (Played by Gavan O'Herlihy): (Attacks Fatima) You leave Domino out of this!
(Fatima then proceeds to beat up Jack, then we cut to Bond, who's in bed with Patricia and he hears sounds coming from the room next door)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Sounds like somebody is having a good time next door. And they're being loud.
(Bond gets up out of bed and witnesses Fatima giving Jack a sadomasochistic beating)
"Yeah, looks like he's not getting some action from a hot nurse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jack has had eye surgery and had his eye fixed up to match with the President of the United States, which is all part of SPECTRE's plan to steal the warheads. Yeah, a bit over the top but the plastic surgery clone guy from Thunderball was much better. Bond spies on Petachi, who's using a machine to scan his eye and in a weird moment he does this.
(Bond pulls the shade up while spying on Petachi. Petachi yells as Bond moves away)
Fatima Blush: Who's that?
Jack Petachi: A man! At the window!
Fatima Blush: (Turns off the lights) Don't move.
(Fatima grabs her night vision goggles and moves to the window)
Fatima Blush: Did he see you?
Jack Petachi: I don't know. I guess he could have.
(Fatima spots Bond and gasps)
Jack Petachi: Do you know him?
Fatima Blush: Oh, yes. 007.
"Only for Bond to get seen by Fatima Blush. Dude, you are forgetting that people have night vision goggles to see in the dark. They can easily spot you. And also, you should've picked the perfect hiding spot." Sean said. "Also, I have one question: what the hell was that all about?"
Sean: (Narrating) Why would Bond spook the bad guys like that? What, has he been taking lessons from James Doakes?
(A sound clip from Dexter plays while Bond pulls the shade up to scare Jack)
James Doakes: (V/O) Surprise, motherfucker.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Bond is busy working out in the clinic gym, when a hulking assassin by the name of Lippe, played by Pat Roach, tries to kill Bond.
(Lippe holds the weights down on Bond, choking him with it)
Lippe (Played by Pat Roach): Heavy, Mr. Bond?
(Lippe lifts the weights up off of Bond, then brings it down on him)
Lippe: Let's try again.
"And if you don't recognize who Pat Roach is, he played the hulking Nazi who was beating up Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Bond fights Lippe and this dude is presented as the indestructible type when Bond throws weights at him, which bounces off of his chest. In other words, Bond is fighting a super assassin.
"Fun fact: Steven Seagal was the martial arts instructor for the movie and while Connery was training with him, Seagal broke Connery's wrist. Man, before he broke the bones of every bad guy in a movie, Seagal ended up breaking Connery's wrist. Let's just be glad that it wasn't his spine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just love this little bit right here.
(The staff and the patients in the clinic are busy watching some football match while Bond and Lippe are fighting)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Lippe end up fighting in some lab, until Bond gets the upper hand on the walking beast.
(Bond throws a liquid into Lippe's eyes. Lippe screams and stumbles into several bottles and gets down on his knees. Bond looks surprised, then looks at the beaker and sees that it's his urine sample. Lippe ends up dying with shards of glass into his back)
"Boy, even Bond's piss is deadly. Mostly because he beat the guy with sheer luck instead of actual skill. But what I don't get is that all the glass shards in the assassin's back made little sense." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of this fight, M gets furious and becomes a dick towards Bond once more.
M: I send you to a health farm to get yourself in shape. Instead you demolish it. I've had to notify the local police, pull out the special branch, get the minister to muzzle the press and allocate a sizeable chunk of my meager budget to renovating the establishment!
James Bond: A man did try to kill me, sir.
M: No, caught you seducing his wife, did he?
James Bond: No, sir, not at all. But in fact, I lost four pounds, and God knows how many free radicals.
M: That is the kind of attitude that tempts me to suspend you, 007!
"M, dude, calm down. Eat a Snickers, because you're not you when you're hungry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, M in the official series bosses Bond around too, but he always regards him as his best agent and he has his higher faith in him.
(A clip from Thunderball plays)
M (Played by Bernard Lee): If 007 says he saw Derval last night at Shrublands and he was dead, that's enough for me to initiate inquiries.
Sean: (Narrating) And in this one, they made him act like police chief in every cop movie that yells at the loose cannon cop and doesn't have any faith in him. We then cut to RAF Station Swadley as Jack uses his fake President eye to enter some secret computer to allow the nuke dummies to be replaced with live nuclear warheads. In a very dated scene, they are being remote controlled in this movie. And afterwards, Jack ends up getting killed by Fatima Blush by having a snake thrown into his car, causing him to crash into some abandoned building. Then, Fatima grabs the snake from out of the car and blows him up with a remote explosive. Really? You had to do all of that? Couldn't you just place the bomb on the car and blow him up? So anyway, SPECTRE gets ahold of the nuclear warheads and they intend to extort billions of dollars from NATO governments.
Blofeld: Yesterday morning, the American Air Force launched two cruise missiles from Swadley airbase in Great Britain. Through the ingenuity of SPECTRE, the dummy warheads they carried were replaced with live nuclear warheads. Your weapons of destruction are now safely in our possession and will be moved to two secret targets.
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that everyone looks concerned." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, come on. Everyone is watching the ransom video and they only get to see Blofeld's cat throughout the entire thing. If I was in the room, I would probably laugh my ass off.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean playing as Blofeld. We don't see Sean's face, but we see him petting his cat Riley instead)
Sean: (as Blofeld) Yesterday morning, the American Air Force launched two cruise missiles from…
Brian: (as NATO official) Oh, my God! Look at that cat! (Laughs)
Sean: Who's laughing?
(Brian stops laughing)
Sean: Anyway, the American Air Force launched two cruise missiles from Swadley airbase in…
(Brian starts laughing again)
Sean: Okay, who is laughing again?
(Brian stops laughing again)
Sean: Alright. Where was I? The dummy warheads they carried were replaced with live nuclear warheads…
(Brian starts laughing once more)
Sean: Okay, what the hell is so funny? I'm trying to do a ransom video here!
(Brian continues to laugh)
Sean: Shut up! Oh, are you laughing because all you could see is my cat? Is that why you're laughing? Okay, fuck this shit. I'm ending this video with a nuclear explosion!
(The video ends with footage of a nuclear explosion)
Brian: Show us the cat!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) With everyone freaking out, M is forced to reactivate the double-0's. And guess who he assigns for the mission? He assigns Bond on the mission. Really, send the man who you don't have complete faith in on the mission. You know, I'm almost surprised. M was nothing but an absolute asshole towards 007, hell, it clearly shows that he has no faith in him. During the mission briefing, M doesn't take Bond seriously.
James Bond: If this Petachi was involved, is it conceivable that he could have used a false eye?
M: Oh! Do come along, Bond. Let's think of a more logical explanation, shall we?
"Are you serious? The dude used a false eye, that's a more logical explanation. And yet for whatever reason, you send the one agent that he doesn't think is capable on this life-threatening mission. You gotta be kidding me. Why don't you send this guy on this life-threatening mission?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Archer is shown)
(A chair is thrown at Archer, which hits him. Then two goons start hitting Archer with chairs)
Sterling Archer (Voiced by H. Jon Benjamin): Goddamn it! What is this a chair factory?
"Yeah, I'm sure that he'll get the job done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the villain Largo arrives on his private yacht called the Flying Saucer. In Thunderball, Largo's private yacht was called the Disco Volante. He enters his little bunker where he does villainy stuff and he takes his time to spy on his mistress Domino Petachi, the sister of Jack Petachi, played by Kim Basinger. Or is it Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Dr. Hartman (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?
"I'm just messing with you. It's Basinger. I had to do a little Family Guy reference." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Largo spies on Domino while she's dancing. And what can I say about this version of Domino in this movie? It's just plain and nothing special. Hell, I find Claudine Auger's Domino from Thunderball to be better than this version. Domino in Thunderball was much more exotic, vulnerable and did I mention that she's really hot. Anyway, this Domino in this version is really in love with Largo rather than just being a prisoner and he gives her a little gift.
Domino Petachi (Played by Kim Basinger): I don't want any more gifts. I just want you. That's all I want.
Maximillian Largo (Played by Klaus Maria Brandauer): I know, but this is different. Look.
Domino Petachi: Oh! Max.
Maximillian Largo: Look.
(Domino sighs)
Domino Petachi: What is it?
Maximillian Largo: It's very old.
(Largo plays the piano while Domino picks up the necklace and looks at it)
Domino Petachi: What's the inscription?
Maximillian Largo: Arabic. The Tears of Allah. The story is that the Prophet wept for the barrenness of the desert, and his tears made a well. It's a legend, of course, but like all great legends, it is also the truth.
"Remember that, folks. That necklace will be important later on in the film." Sean said.
Domino Petachi: And you trust me to wear it?
Maximillian Largo: A safer place than around your neck, I couldn't imagine.
Domino Petachi: And what if I ever leave you?
(Largo pounds on high note, then laughs)
Domino Petachi: (Laughs) No, really!
Maximillian Largo: Then I cut your throat.
"Well, he seems like a nice boyfriend." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Bond, we see that he's busy doing some target practice until Q, also known as Algernon, played by the late Alec McCowan, shows off some new gadgets for 007 to use on his missions, and unlike M on this movie, he's a lot of fun to watch. I know that Alec McCowan is no Desmond Llewelyn, but he does give his Q his own touch and it seems like McCowan is having a lot of fun playing Q. Heck, Q gives Bond some new gadgets like a pen that fires explosive darts and a new laser watch.
Q (Played by Alec McCowan): Keeps perfect time.
James Bond: But for how long?
Q: At least your lifetime. (Throws Bond's old watch on the ground) Good to see you, Mr. Bond. Things have been awfully dull round here. Bureaucrats running the old place, everything done by the book. Can't make a decision unless the computer gives you the go-ahead. Now you're on this, I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence.
James Bond: I certainly hope so, too.
"Hey, you never hear Desmond Llewelyn's Q talk like that." Sean said.
Q: I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence.
James Bond: I certainly hope so, too.
(A clip from GoldenEye is shown)
Q (Played by Desmond Llewelyn): Oh, grow up, 007.
Sean: (Narrating) So now it's off to the Bahamas. Funny, because it's not even explained why Bond needs to go to the Bahamas in this movie. It's just randomly set. In Thunderball, he requests to go to the Bahamas himself as he found a lead that casts him to believe that he needed to look there for the nukes. He meets this attractive woman and he starts flirting with her until he meets up with Nigel Small-Fawcett, a Foreign Office representative, played by Rowan Atkinson?
"I'm not kidding. That's Rowan Atkinson in a James Bond movie. Mr. Bean is in a Bond movie, an unofficial Bond movie." Sean said.
Nigel Small-Fawcett (Played by Rowan Atkinson): Sorry I'm late. But as you're one of these undercover johnnies, I took the precaution of not being followed.
James Bond: And that's why you shouted my name across the harbor?
Nigel Small-Fawcett: Oh, God, did I? I'm sorry. Damn. Damn! Sorry. I'm rather new to all this.
"This is how Johnny English got his start as a secret agent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I enjoy seeing Rowan Atkinson in this movie, because you get to see the roots of his Atkinson's comedic style here. So anyway, Small-Fawcett gives Bond the info on Largo. Important information like owning the biggest boat in the Caribbean, being extremely wealthy, spends a lot of his time at a place called Bluebeard Reef, donating a lot of money to worthy causes, all that good stuff that a villain does in his spare time.
James Bond: I'm sure he's very kind to his mother.
Nigel Small-Fawcett: Don't know his mother. You're not going to make any trouble, are you, Mr. Bond? Let's face it, your reputation has preceded you.
James Bond: Do I look like the sort of man who would make trouble?
"Uh, yeah. You're the sort of man who would make trouble. Hell, you basically get into all sorts of trouble. Danger follows you everywhere." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Bond is looking at the photo of Largo's boat, the Flying Saucer, he meets up with Fatima Blush and sees her water skiing and ends in his arms.
Fatima Blush: How reckless of me. I made you all wet.
James Bond: Yes, but my martini's still dry.
"Okay, that is like my favorite line in the movie. It's such a cool line. Guys, if an attractive woman who's soak and wet ends up in your arms and you're drinking a martini, say this line. Also saying a line like that, it deserves a Thug Life moment." Sean said.
Fatima Blush: How reckless of me. I made you all wet.
James Bond: Yes, but my martini's still dry.
(We see the words "Thug Life" appear on-screen and some sunglasses appearing on Bond's face while the song "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent starts playing in the background)
Fatima Blush: What brings you to Nassau, James?
James Bond: I'm fishing.
Fatima Blush: For what?
James Bond: Anything I can get.
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Like that nice, juicy booty of yours.
Fatima Blush: I know the best waters. I'd be very happy to show them to you.
James Bond: Now, why would you want to do that?
Fatima Blush: I'd like you to find what you're looking for. (Smiles)
James Bond: I'm all yours. (Drinks his martini)
"And by "I'm all yours", I mean I want to be your love slave." Sean said, imitating Bond.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond goes with Fatima Blush on her boat and he changes into his scuba outfit while Fatima checks him out and he ends up having sex with her onboad of a boat in what I can say is the weirdest sex scene in a Bond film.
(Bond is having sex with Fatima)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Let me show you how I do it in the old days.
(The scene cuts to some footage of fish, then back Bond and Fatima, as we see Fatima writhing and moaning in pleasure)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) 69 is what I'm going to be scoring with you on this boat.
(Cut to more footage of fish before cutting back to Bond and Fatima)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) We're rocking this boat now. Time to do a little deep sea diving.
(We cut to Bond and Fatima scuba diving)
"Oookay. Scuba diving for what? Clams?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Fatima start swimming around some sunken ships for no reason and Fatima puts some kind of tracker on Bond's scuba equipment. She doesn't throw in a snake, instead she has radio-controlled sharks to go after Bond.
"Radio-controlled sharks. I don't know rather to say that it sounds cool or to say that it sounds silly." Sean said.
(The sharks go after Bond and try to kill him while the song "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond finds the tracker that Fatima put on him, until he manages to lose the sharks and he ends up with some random chick, who he was flirting with earlier as she happens to be fishing exactly where Bond was.
"What is that I smell? Oh, right." Sean said.
(A clip from License to Kill is shown)
Pam Bouvier (Played by Carey Lowell): Bullshit!
Lady in Bahamas (Played by Valerie Leon): It's you.
James Bond: Well, you did say you'd catch me later.
"Well, I guess you could say that he's the catch of the day." Sean said as he ducks down for cover while somebody starts shooting at him.
Sean: (Narrating) Fatima sees that Bond is still alive from her little assassination attempt and she manages to go for a second assassination attempt by heading to Bond's hotel room and placing a bomb underneath his bed, but luckily for Bond, he's busy banging the chick in her hotel room. Mr. Bean calls Bond to tell him that Largo's boat is in the south of France and…
(Fatima blows up Bond's hotel room. Bond and the random chick stop what they're doing and see the explosion)
Lady in Bahamas: What's that?
Nigel Small-Fawcett: Mr. Bond?
James Bond: Proof that we made the right decision.
Lady in Bahamas: About what, darling?
James Bond: Your place or mine.
(Bond and the random chick continue to make love)
"Okay, that was a clever moment that I like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway after being in the Bahamas, Bond heads down to Nice, France, where he meets up with is French contact named Nicole, played by Saskia Cohen-Tanugi. Nicole is this movie's version of Paula Caplan, Nicole doesn't even do much in this movie, so who cares. And Bond also meets his CIA counterpart and friend, Felix Leiter, played by Bernie Casey.
Felix Leiter (Played by Bernie Casey): (Throws a ball at Bond) Catch!
James Bond: (Catches the ball) Get down!
(Nicole screams as he ducks down and Felix laughs)
James Bond: Felix.
Felix Leiter: Not bad. Not bad at all. Nothing wrong with your reflexes. How you doing, buddy?
James Bond: What the hell are you doing here?
Felix Leiter: CIA sent me to ride shotgun with you.
"Okay, they casted Bernie Casey, a former wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers and Los Angeles Rams who went into acting and starred in movies like Cleopatra Jones, Revenge of the Nerds, Spies Like Us, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Okay, that is pretty awesome. This is the first time that the character Felix Leiter will be played by a black man. Which probably influenced the casting of Jeffrey Wright later in 2006's Casino Royale." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Felix head down to the villa and Bond sees the Flying Saucer and Largo's chick Domino dancing.
Felix Leiter: That's Largo's lady.
Nicole (Played by Saskia Cohen-Tanugi): Her name is Domino. Domino Petachi.
Felix Leiter: Petachi. The Air Force officer killed in that car crash.
James Bond: Jack Petachi.
Nicole: That's right. He was her brother.
(Felix looks through the telescope and sees Largo)
Felix Leiter: Well, there's the man himself. Hmm. If he's got the bombs, do you think he'd have them on his yacht?
"No, but he'll probably have copies of White Fang on DVD." Sean said, referring to the 1991 Disney movie that Klaus Maria Brandauer starred in.
Sean: (Narrating) So Bond starts shadowing Domino in one of the most ridiculous jokes of the film.
(Domino walks past a tree and turns out that Bond was standing right behind it)
"What the hell? Did this movie turn into Looney Tunes all of a sudden?" Sean asked, chuckling a bit.
(The Looney Tunes theme plays as we see James Bond appearing from behind the tree and the words "That's All Folks!" appear on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond follows Domino to a health and beauty center and he poses as a masseuse so he can get some more info on Largo.
James Bond: Now, hard or soft massage?
Domino Petachi: Hard, please.
Sean: (V/O as Bond) I'll give it to you hard, alright.
James Bond: I don't believe we've seen you around here before.
Domino Petachi: No, I was on a boat.
James Bond: Ah! And what boat would that be?
Domino Petachi: The Flying Saucer.
James Bond: Oh! Mr. Largo's boat.
Domino Petachi: Yes. Do you know Mr. Largo?
James Bond: I know of him. I know he owns many beautiful things.
"Like beautiful women." Sean said, imitating Bond.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is where things get a little perverted right here when Bond gives Domino a massage.
(Bond massages Domino. She moans)
Domino Petachi: That feels so good.
James Bond: Certainly does.
Domino Petachi: Excuse me?
James Bond: It certainly does need it. You have slight lesions in the upper vertebrae.
(As he massages Domino, Bond's hands move lower)
Domino Petachi: Could you go a little lower, please?
James Bond: Lower?
Domino Petachi: Yes, please. Please.
(His hands move a little lower)
Domino Petachi: (Moans) Right there.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, God. No, movie. No. You can't be serious! He's old enough to be her grandfather!
"I wish I could say the same for Roger Moore in A View to a Kill." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, can you imagine Alec Baldwin watching this scene? You know that him and Kim Basinger used to be married.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing Alec Baldwin, watching Never Say Never Again on ABC in 1993. He comes across the scene where James Bond gives Domino a massage)
Domino: (On TV) That feels so good.
James Bond: (On TV) Certainly does.
Sean: (as Alec Baldwin) What the hell?
Domino: (On TV) Could you go a little lower, please?
James Bond: (On TV) Lower?
Domino: (On TV) Yes, please. Please.
Sean: That son of a bitch!
(Sean picks up his phone)
Brian: (V/O as Sean Connery) Hello?
Sean: Connery, this is Alec Baldwin. I have a bone to pick with you.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Masseuse (Played by Brenda Kempner): I am sorry, mademoiselle. We are so very busy today.
Domino Petachi: Where'd the masseur go?
Masseuse: Who?
Domino Petachi: The man, the…
Masseuse: The man I pass? He does not work here.
(The camera zooms in on Domino as she looks in shock for a bit, then smiles before the Looney Tunes theme plays, before cutting to Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery in Saturday Night Live is shown)
Sean Connery (Played Darrell Hammond): Then the day is mine!
(The words "That's All Folks!" appear on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Bond manages to get some information though, as he learns that Largo is hosting a party at some casino at night. Later, Bond makes his way into the casino as an uninvited guest and he tricks the guard in a very hilarious scene.
(Bond puts a device in the guard's hand)
James Bond: This bomb has a tiny gyroscope inside. Any lateral movement on your part and you could be served in an egg cup. If you understand what's being explained to you, nod gently.
(The guard nods his head)
James Bond: Good boy. (Pushes a button) Stay.
"It's one of the better jokes of the film that has a nice payoff later on. But we'll get to that later because it's pretty hilarious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Bond enters this casino, which is very classy and high-level, but it has a room filled with arcade machines. Look, I know that the early 80s saw the rise and popularity of video games but seriously who has arcade games in a classy casino? It's a bit out of place. So, Bond sees Domino and follows her into the arcade room while she's playing Gravitar.
James Bond: I do owe you an explanation. My name is Bond. James Bond. May I offer you a drink?
Sean: (V/O as Bond) And holy shit, look at all of the Atari arcade games in here. You have Centipede, Gravitar and Dig Dug. Friggin' Dig Dug.
James Bond: Hard or soft?
Domino Petachi: Soft. I'll have a double Bloody Mary with plenty of Worcestershire sauce.
James Bond: Hate to think what you mean by hard. Vodka on the rocks for me.
"And for me, I'll have a Coke and rum with plenty of ice." Sean said. "With a lime wedge on the side."
Sean: (Narrating) Largo meets Bond and the two of them play a little 3-D game that Largo has designed himself. Yeah, Largo challenging Bond to a video game duel.
"And this somehow finds itself in a Bond movie." Sean said.
Maximillian Largo: This game has one objective, power. We will be fighting for countries, chosen at random by the machine. But for this demonstration, I will choose France. Target areas will light up on the map. Whoever hits them first with his laser beam will score a point. But there's another way to win. With your left hand, you control two nuclear missiles. With your right hand, you control a shield to block my missiles. But if you fail... Boom, I win the game. You will be red. I will be blue. Are you ready?
James Bond: Yes.
"Boy, that sounds thrilling. Yet, boring." Sean said.
(During the game, Bond gets an electric shock from the joystick)
Computer Voice: Blue wins $9,000.
James Bond: Gave me a shock.
Maximillian Largo: (Chuckles) Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot. Unlike armchair generals, we will share the pain of our soldiers in the form of electric shocks. One last point, if you let go of the controls, you forfeit the game.
"Wait, so the game gives you electric shocks while you're playing it? Okay, weird. That'll be like my Playstation 4 controller giving me an electric shock." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean playing Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War on his PS4. As he gets shot at on the game, he feels an electric shock coming from his Dualshock 4 controller instead of feeling the controller vibrating)
Sean: (Yelps) Motherfu... really?! What's the whole point of making a controller that gives you shocks instead of vibrating?
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(While playing the game, Bond feels the pain levels intensify)
Computer Voice: 60%. 65%. Red pain level, 80%. Danger. Danger. Danger.
(Bond lets go of the joysticks and fall out of his seat)
"Well, that game is certainly deadly. That could've given him a heart attack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, Bond. I guess it's time for Bond to quit while he's ahead…
James Bond: Can we play one more game for the rest of the world? Win or lose?
Maximillian Largo: You know what that could mean?
James Bond: Yes.
Maximillian Largo: Good.
"And after one more game, you die from a heart attack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Bond and Largo go for one more round and Bond eventually beats Largo at his own game. And instead of money, he gets a dance with Domino. And I really love this scene between Bond and Domino dancing and I love the Tango music on this scene as well. While he's dancing with Domino, Bond informs her that her brother was killed on Largo's orders. Remember in Thunderball where he had to tell Domino that Largo killed her brother and how there was a hint of emotion present when Bond explained it to her. So, how does he do it in this version?
James Bond: (While dancing with Domino) Your brother's dead.
(Domino gasps)
James Bond: Keep dancing.
"Subtle. That's real subtle, Bond." Sean said.
(Bond opens the closet door and grabs the device out of the guard's hand)
James Bond: Thank you very much.
(Bond closes the door and the guard faints. Turns out that the device was actually a cigar case)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Ain't I a stinker?
Sean: (Narrating) Bond returns to the villa, only to find Nicole lying face down dead in the water bed.
"Wait, who's Nicole? Oh, she's 007's French contact. Oh, yeah. I forgot about her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Fatima Blush was behind the murder of Nicole and she speeds off with Bond finally gets to show off his motorbike. Which is cool because we rarely get to see Bond on a motorbike so far in this series. So anyway, we get a really awesome chase scene but the problem that I have with this sequence is that godawful jazzy music that was playing in the background.
(The chase scene is shown while Michel Legrand's music score plays during the scene)
"Okay, am I watching a Bond movie or is this a Tom & Jerry cartoon with Dean Elliott's music score because that's what it sounds like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Originally, James Horner was Irvin Kershner and Jack Schwartzman's first choice to compose the music after they were impressed with his work on Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, but he was unavailable. So, they hired Michel Legrand to compose the music for the film. I love Jazz music but seriously. So anyway, Bond evades capture by Fatima inside a truck only for him to get captured anyway shortly after and we get to my favorite scene of the movie and I love Fatima Blush on this scene, she's like the 80s version of Xenia Onatopp from GoldenEye.
Fatima Blush: (Holds Bond at gunpoint) You're quite a man, Mr. James Bond. But I am a superior woman. Guess where you get the first one.
(Fatima lowers the gun towards Bond's crotch)
"Boy, women sure do want to shoot off Bond's smoking gun." Sean said.
Fatima Blush: You know that making love to Fatima was the greatest pleasure of your life.
James Bond: Well, to be perfectly honest, there was this girl in Philadelphia…
Fatima Blush: SHUT UP!
"Okay, I just love this moment so much. While I was working on this review and cutaway gags for this scene, I came up with a few." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Fatima Blush: You know that making love to Fatima was the greatest pleasure of your life.
Sean: Well, to be perfectly honest, there was this college girl from Westport, Connecticut…
Fatima Blush: SHUT UP!
(Rewind)
Sean: Well, to be perfectly honest, there was this diabetic girl from Stoneybrook, Connecticut…
Fatima Blush: SHUT UP!
(Rewind)
Sean: Well, to be perfectly honest, there were these two girls that had a side hustle job…
Fatima Blush: SHUT UP!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Come up with a few at home. I would love to see what you could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Fatima holds Bond at gunpoint and forces him to declare in writing that she's the best sex ever.
Fatima Blush: Now write this. "The greatest rapture in my life was afforded me in a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush." Signed: "James Bond, 007."
James Bond: I just remembered. It's against service policy for agents to give out endorsements.
Fatima Blush: WRITE!
James Bond: Right now?
Fatima Blush: Right now.
(Bond uses his Q-branch-issue fountain pen fires the explosive dart at her. The dart does not explode. Fatima laughs as she gets ready to kill Bond, but then the dart explodes, killing her. Bond looks at the pen)
James Bond: Not perfected yet.
(We see that her shoes are left standing)
"Man, she really needed to "lighten up", prompting Bond to "fire her", it got to be a "heated discussion" that was "blown" out of proportion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Felix arrives as him and Bond get out of there before the cops show up. They attempt to board Largo's ship, but Bond is the only one that made it on. He visits Largo and he pretty much lets Bond walk around freely. Well, so he can go in his little bunker to spy on Bond. So while Bond is on the ship, Domino tries to talk to Bond and... (Notices that he could see Domino's nipples through her spandex outfit) Hellooooooo, Nurse!
"Okay, I did not even notice that Domino's spandex outfit was see-through. Thank you, PG-movie. Even though I did see her naked in The Getaway." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Bond gets changed, Domino goes to talk to Bond while Largo spies on them from his little bunker. And Bond has a little plan after Domino tells him that they're headed to North Africa and Bond to transmit a message and he needs Domino's help to pull that off.
Domino Petachi: What do you want me to do?
James Bond: I'm going to kiss you. I want you to respond as if you liked it. I'm doing this for two very good reasons. One, because I'm hoping to provoke a reaction.
Domino Petachi: And the other one?
James Bond: Because I always wanted to.
(Bond kisses Domino, which provokes a reaction out of Largo as he enters the dance studio, only to find that Bond and Domino are not there)
"Well, that's one way of getting a reaction out of somebody." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Domino turns the fire alarm on, which the crew members get out, only for Bond to give a signal out to M to let them know where he's going. And we see Largo throwing a temper tantrum with an axe. You know, the most menacing thing that we've seen from him was him playing video games. So anyway, the boat goes over to North Africa and we see him becoming more twisted. Also, Palmyra is his base of operations in North Africa. Anyway, he locks Bond up and he threatens Domino because he betrayed her.
Maximillian Largo: You betrayed me. But I forgive you.
Domino Petachi: And what about my brother?
Maximillian Largo: Your brother...
Domino Petachi: I hate you. I hate you.
(Largo kisses Domino and makes her drop a jade statue)
Maximillian Largo: Domino! Domino!
Domino Petachi: You're crazy.
Maximillian Largo: Yeah, maybe I'm crazy.
"Thank you, movie. Now, that character's becoming a little more interesting. Also, is anyone getting the crazy, psychotic boyfriend vibe from him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And as punishment for betraying Largo, he sells her to some Arabs. Meanwhile, Bond is imprisoned in some tower as Largo drops by to pay him a visit before he leaves and he asks Largo about the location of the nukes. Yeah, you all remember the nukes that they stole? The actual plot of the movie. And guess where the first nuke is at.
Maximillian Largo: Well, bomb number one is right under the President's feet in Washington DC.
"Come again?" Sean asked.
Maximillian Largo: Bomb number one is right under the President's feet in Washington DC.
"Washington DC? The first nuke is in Washington DC. When the hell did they do that? It was never shown in the movie. They just mentioned it for it to be there. Come on, movie. You're killing me." Sean said.
Maximillian Largo: You were a very good secret agent. Really.
(Bond smiles)
"And I look forward to working with you again in The Russia House." Sean said, imitating Largo.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Largo leaves as Bond escapes easily with his laser watch and he saves Domino from being sold to by the Arabs as their sex slave and they escape on a horse.
(Bond and Domino escape on a horse as one of the Arabs shoot at them)
Sean: (V/O as Arab #1) What are you doing?! Don't shoot at the booty, Abbad!
Brian: (V/O as Arab #2) But Aladdin, he's got the booty!
Sean: (V/O) I don't care! You'll hit the sweet booty!
(Bond then pushes one of the Arabs off of the fortress)
Sean: (V/O as Arab #3) Oh, noooooooo!
James Bond: Hold on.
Domino Petachi: What are you doing?
(Bond and Domino jump off of the fortress while they're on the horse)
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Oh, my God! What a cheap special effect too. And they managed to get an actual horse to fall onto it's back for the ending shot. Yeah, that's pretty extreme, but they did show that the horse is okay. So, no animals were harmed during the making of this movie. I'm sure that PETA would be pissed off. Anyway, Felix arrives and he saves Bond and Domino as they board a U.S. Navy submarine and we learn that the first bomb in Washington has been disarmed and now Bond has to find the second bomb. They find Largo's boat, which there's nobody aboard. And this is where Domino's necklace comes in.
James Bond: This is the Tears of Allah. The story goes that the Prophet wept and his tears made a well. (Looks at the necklace) The contours are the same. The diamond must mark a place. That would be about here. Right where the oilfields begin.
"Turns out that the necklace holds the location to the sacred Tears of Allah tomb, where the second nuke is hidden. Seems like the perfect location but I stopped caring." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond asks the Commander if they're equipped with the new XT-7Bs. Oh, I wonder what that could be? It's just a rocket pack with a platform.
"Boy, how exciting is that?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Bond and Leiter head underwater and infiltrate the sacred Tears of Allah temple, which is supposed to be hidden below an oasis that could be treasured by Muslims all around the world.
(Bond uses his legs to knock over a head off of a giant statue)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Leg strength, don't fail me now!
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, a fierce gun battle erupts between Leiter's team and Largo's men. And I love the fierce underwater battle between Largo's men and the CIA in Thunderball better than this one. I love a huge gun battle as much as the next guy, but we don't need one in this one. So anyway, Bond goes after Largo and we get the climax of the movie, in which we see an underwater knife fight between Bond and Largo with no tension. Bond disarms the warhead, but Largo grabs the harpoon gun to kill Bond, until he is shot by Domino. Therefore, happy ending! The world is saved and Bond is enjoying his retirement with Domino, until somebody decides to crash the party.
(Bond throws the mysterious person into the pool. The man turned out to be Nigel Small-Fawcett)
James Bond: Oh, no.
Nigel Small-Fawcett: I'm sorry, Mr. Bond. Obviously caught you at a bad moment.
James Bond: M sent you.
Nigel Small-Fawcett: Only to plead for your return, sir. M says that without you in the service, he fears for the security of the civilized world.
James Bond: Never again.
Domino Petachi: Never?
(They kiss as Bond winks to the audience)
"And so, we say goodbye to Connery as Bond...again. So that was Never Say Never Again, it was an okay movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Because of this movie being an unofficial Bond movie, you could come to the conclusion that this is an awful movie. But in my opinion, it's still a good movie, even though it's a weak remake of Thunderball that is not as good as the original and it has a worse written script. The cast was alright. Sean Connery was amazing as always as Bond. I did happen to enjoy Klaus Maria Brandauer as Largo, Kim Basinger's Domino was pretty dull and Barbara Carrera is amazing as Fatima Blush. I watch that movie just because of her character, she's the best thing about this movie. Max Von Sydow made a good Blofeld but he doesn't do much and what can I say about Edward Fox's M? Well, I think I've pretty much said enough about his character. You know, I've found it amazing that McClory got Connery to star as Bond. Can you imagine that they could've gotten George Lazenby as James Bond for this movie? I wouldn't have watched this movie as much. But hey, it's a better movie than Diamonds Are Forever. Never Say Never Again is a good movie, but I'd say that the winner of the Battle of the Bonds would have to be Roger Moore and Octopussy. Never Say Never Again comes in at 4 fountain pens out of 5.
"And that is all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and left the room. But not before he runs back to bring up one more thing.
"Oh yeah, I got one more thing to say… COMMERCIALS 5!" Sean cheered.
This Review is Dedicated to the Memory of
SEAN CONNERY
1930-2020
and
ALEX TREBEK
1940-2020
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence.
And that's all for today's review of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed it and the little tribute to Sean Connery. So, what did you think of the review? I would love to hear your thoughts on it? Next time, it's that time again as Sean and Lucas take a look at more commercials in Commercials V: The Commercials Strike Back. Then after Commercials V, Sean reviews the 1988 made for TV movie A Very Brady Christmas. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.