The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean reviewed Never Say Never Again as a little tribute to Sean Connery. Today, Sean and his friend Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever are going to take a look at some more commercials. It's bigger, it's badder, it's jam-packed with more nostalgic commercials. So sit back, relax and grab yourself something to snack on because this is Commercials V: The Commercials Strike Back.
Episode 107
Commercials V: The Commercials Strike Back
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. He is seen wearing his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt and drinking his can of Coca-Cola while he's watching television and flipping through channel to channel.
"Hey, know who I am and what I do. I just like to say one thing…. COMMERCIALS!" Sean yelled out.
(Footage of various commercials, beginning with a Skip It commercial)
Sean: (Narrating) They're bigger, they're badder and they're back to give you more shit to sell. Ah, Saturday mornings. It's where we see our favorite nostalgic commercials to bug our parents with. And you know what, we're going to take a look at the sweet, sugary, brain-cell killing goodness in all of it's nostalgic glory.
"And you know what? I'm not going to be doing this alone. I'm bringing in…" Sean said.
Sean then turned to the left to see a door being kicked down, revealing Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever in his Metallica T-Shirt and Philadelphia Eagles pajama pants. He wasn't alone though as he brought a twelve pack of Coors Light on one hand and two big bags of Doritos in the other.
"I'm here!" Lucas shouted before joining Sean on the couch, "And you know, it's never a commercials special without yours truly joining in the festivities. Because you never know who and what to expect in this fifth commercials special. After all, we-"
Before Lucas could really say anything though, he was then cut off by static, which soon cleared up to reveal Chad Knight from "Up All Knight" in his room.
"Hey, guys!" Chad smirked to the two via satellite, "Long time no see."
Sean then shook his head to the camera saying, "Oh no, Chad. You're not fucking invited. You don't get a Commercials special!"
"Oh, come on, it's not fair!" Chad whined angrily, "I wanted to join you in that last commercials special, but you kept cutting me the hell off!"
"Well, Sean should've killed you right there and then for calling us pussies!" Lucas shot back to Chad.
"Like I had the right to," Chad scoffed while rolling his eyes, "Look, if you're not even gonna invite me to this fifth commercials special, at least give me ANYTHING to work on!"
Groaning on behalf of Chad's annoying attitude, Sean then said to him, "Look, I'm planning so much things for this holiday season. If that means that much to you, I've brought you an early Christmas present that should arrive for you in the mail today. If you want to, me and Lucas will join you for that review of the present we got for you. Will that make you happy, you goddamn baby?!"
Chad then nodded back with his arms crossed, "Well, whether it is, it better be good."
"It will, trust us." Lucas said before cutting off Chad's camera feed and looking back to Sean, "Okay, where were we, Sean!"
"Oh, that should be easy," Sean nodded to Lucas as he shouted to the camera, "Back by popular demand... COMMERCIALS V: THE COMMERCIALS STRIKES BACK!"
(A clip from the Bush's Baked Beans commercial is shown)
Jay Bush: Roll that beautiful bean footage.
(We see an ABC Saturday Morning bumper featuring What-a-Mess the dog from 1994, a Fox Kids Network bumper featuring Dynamo Duck from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown. Then the title, "The Commercials Strike Back" is shown")
(TV Static transitions to: Tiny Toon Adventures Fruit Snacks commercial from 1992)
(The commercial starts as we see Dizzy Devil hanging onto a rope while a plane was flying. He then lands into the ground until he ends up in Buster Bunny's burrow. Dizzy is seen holding a box of Tiny Toon Adventures fruit snacks)
Dizzy Devil: Paaaarrty!
Announcer: With new Tiny Toon Adventures Fruit Snacks...
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah. Now we're talking. Hey, remember when you owned Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation on VHS? Yeah, they showed this commercial before the movie.
Buster Bunny: Dizzy, I've promised my parents I wouldn't make a mess!
(An engine lands on Dizzy and a plane lands in Buster's home)
Plucky Duck: Is this O'Hare Airport?
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I was only a newborn baby when the fruit snacks came out. I'm sure some of you out there bought it.
Lucas: (Narrating) We see that Buster is having a party in his home, and it turns into complete mayhem when Dizzy makes a mess, and to top it all off, Plucky decides to crash land in his home like he's friggin' Launchpad McQuack. And then chaos ensues.
Dizzy Devil: Mmm, yummy!
(Dizzy grabs the table and starts eating the fruit snacks. Then Furrball bounces off of Dizzy's face and lands into Elmyra's arms)
Elmyra: (Gasps) Furrball! I could eat you all up. (Holds out a Furrball-shaped fruit snack)
"Oh, god! Not her! ANYBODY but Elmyra!" Lucas groaned, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
"Please, I wanna get through this commercials special without Elmyra torturing animals." Sean said.
(We cut to Plucky, who's at a table bobbing for fruit snacks and he has some in his bill)
Plucky Duck: These really fit the bill.
"Boy, don't you just love the bad puns that they whip out in this commercial? It's like Joel Schumacher directed it." Sean said.
Plucky Duck: Is this O'Hare Airport?
Elmyra: I could eat you all up.
Plucky Duck: These really fit the bill.
Babs Bunny: (While Calamity Coyote speeds off with the fruit snacks) Those went fast!
(Clips from Batman & Robin are shown)
Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Cometh./In this universe there is only one absolute, everything freezes./Freeze well!
"Enough!" Sean yelled out.
"We don't need any more ice puns that will end up pissing us off." Lucas said.
(The phone rings as Buster answers)
Buster Bunny: Hello? Mom?! You're coming home?!
"Oh, man! If I don't get this house cleaned up before my parents get home, they'll end up killing me before I make Buster Busts Loose!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Buster Bunny.
(Everyone quickly cleans up before Buster's parents get home and they all hop on the couch)
Buster Bunny: They're back.
Announcer: The party animals in new Tiny Toon Adventures Fruit Snacks.
"See? This is why I don't throw wild parties in my house." Lucas said.
"Same here. But the only party that I would like to throw in my house would involve me and Taylor in the bedroom." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) I bet you that the fruit snacks were pretty good and very popular like the show. Okay, when the Tiny Toons reboot comes out, they've gotta bring it back.
"But you better not add Elmyra-shaped fruit snacks in the pack because we don't need that fuckin' psycho." Lucas said.
"Damn, straight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's a fun fruit snack that's tiny and toony and all a little loony.
Announcer: The party animals in new Tiny Toon Adventures Fruit Snacks.
(A clip from Batman & Robin appears)
Mr. Freeze: Alright everyone, chill!
(TV Static transitions to: Pepsi's "America's Choice" commercial starring Bronson Pinchot from 1987)
(The commercial opens up as the camera zooms in at a Pepsi Pitchman, played by Bronson Pinchot, who is standing right next to a bottle of Pepsi on the left and a bottle of Coca-Cola on the right.)
Pepsi Pitchman (Played by Bronson Pinchot): Well, I'm still here at my America's Choice taste test booth, and there's a lot of you out there who haven't taken a test yet.
"Oh, I've taken a lot of them, like physicals, SATs, stress tests, all that kind of shit," Sean replied to the camera before shaking his head, "But never have I've taken the Pepsi Challenge unfortunately."
Pepsi Pitchman: Now, I know, I know, you hate to take tests. Your palms get sweaty and you can't shake hands for a week.
"Sounds like that stupid COVID-19 crap." Lucas groaned a little.
Pepsi Pitchman: But this isn't that kind of test. You can't fail. All you have to do is choose which Cola tastes better. Nothing can be simpler.
"Oh, good." Sean nodded, "I'm hoping neither the Coke or Pepsi is contaminated too."
Sean: (Narrating) Ok fans, what could be better than any Pepsi commercial, you ask? A Pepsi commercial with Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers, of course! And no doubt he's doing the advertisement for Pepsi's "America's Choice" campaign straight out of 1987.
Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, he asks the viewer watching this which tastes better, Pepsi or good- ol' Coca-Cola.
"You know what I like from Coca-Cola?" Lucas asked before replying, "It amassed a lot of flavors that I like such as Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Cherry Vanilla Coke, Orange Vanilla Coke, Coke with Lime, then there's these two I regret trying like California Raspberry Coke and Georgia Peach Coke."
"True, but does Coca-Cola have celebrities like Michael Jackson and MC Hammer? Ha, I think not!" Sean smirked to Lucas, "Pepsi did it first, dude."
Lucas then shouted to Sean, "Coca-Cola had The Simpsons!"
"DAMN!" Sean groaned to himself.
Pepsi Pitchman: And nobody fails. Nobody loses (pauses) Well, almost nobody.
"Oh, really, Balki?" Sean rolled his eyes to the camera, "You saying I can't do it, huh? Well, you just watch me take your Pepsi Challenge! You know I can't fail."
Just to prove his worth though, Sean managed to leave for the couch and head for the door, but before he could exit though, Lucas stopped him for a second.
"Give 'em hell, dude." Lucas said, toasting him with a beer in his hand.
30 minutes later…
Sean came home feeling very grumpy and disgruntled, dragging his own feet back on the couch where Lucas was still sitting at.
"So, how did ya do?" Lucas said, smirking at him.
"I got fuckin' Mr. Pibb!" Sean growled back before muttering, "Some damn challenge I took!"
Narrator: Let your taste decide, and discover and once for all why Pepsi is America's choice.
"Of course, it ain't! Don't be ridiculous!" Sean said, still growling to the camera before grabbing the remote and changing the channel.
(TV Static transitions to: Jaws: The Revenge VHS commercial from 1988)
(A VHS tape of Jaws: The Revenge is shown)
Announcer: The terror is back...
"Oh, Christ. Not this movie." Sean said.
Ellen Brody: (V/O) I want you to get out of the water
Announcer: The fear is real…
Ellen Brody: (V/O) It waited all this time and it came for him.
"Well of course the fear is real. The acting in this movie is frightening." Lucas said.
(The camera zooms in on the shark on the tape before cutting to footage from the movie)
Announcer: The screams more chilling…
Ellen Brody: (Screams) Thea!
Announcer: The attack more deadly…
"And the shark mechanics more exposed in this unmatted release." Sean said.
Announcer: Jaws: The Revenge. Lorraine Gary, Michael Caine. The most frightening Jaws of all.
"I'm sorry, what?" Lucas asked.
Announcer: The most frightening Jaws of all.
Sean and Lucas both stay silent for a bit before breaking down with laughter.
(We then cut to clips from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Impractical Jokers and Chappelle's Show are shown featuring Joker, Sal and Charlie Murphy laughing)
Sean and Lucas continue to laugh until they couldn't laugh any more.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I wouldn't go as far as to call this movie "The most frightening Jaws of all". If this movie is the most frightening Jaws of all, then be afraid of all of it's suckiness.
"So, if you enjoy movies about sharks getting revenge and bad shark effects, this this movie will definitely make you afraid of going in the water." Lucas said.
"I'm sorry. Were these people high?! "The most frightening Jaws of all." Have they ever saw that movie? It's bad enough that I reviewed that piece of shit. And the idea of a shark getting revenge doesn't make any sense! "The most frightening Jaws of all." It's like calling RoboCop 3 "The best RoboCop ever." You know what, I wish William Daniels from St. Elsewhere would headbutt the person who made that movie. Hell, for the person who said that about the movie, he should be locked in a cage!" Sean yelled out.
Announcer: Jaws: The Revenge. This time, it's personal. On videocassette from MCA Home Video.
Sean: (Narrating) OH, FUCK OFF!
(TV Static transitions to: Right Guard Sport Stick commercial starring Hulk Hogan from 1991)
(The commercial opens up with Hulk Hogan painting on a canvas inside a beach setting.)
Hulk Hogan: In trying to make an artistic statement, once you be careful not to let one's personal aroma do the talking.
"Okay, what on earth am I watching here? Joy of Painting or perhaps a long-lost episode of Thunder In Paradise?" Lucas raised his eyebrow, referring to the 1993 TV show that Hulk Hogan was in.
Sean then asked Lucas, "Well, let's see what the Hulkster's got to say, brother?"
Hulk Hogan: In order not to offend the critics, I recommend Right Guard Sport Stick.
(The Right Guard Sport Stick is shown.)
"Oh, nice, a deodorant commercial." Sean rolled his eyes, "What's next, is he gonna start saying the N-word too?"
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, what we're seeing here is a Right Guard Sport Stick commercial featuring everyone's favorite red-and-yellow fruit loop, Hulk Hogan. Because there are bad things that smells worse than this. Let's listen to see what this stick's got!
Hulk Hogan: It provides maximum protection... *smells the sport stick* ...and the freshest sense of sublime palette of odoriferous iminations.
"Also included with every sport stick is his shitty-ass movies, reality shows, and that crappy Hulkamania Workout Set Sean had to review from the last commercials special." Lucas smirked to the camera.
"I still gained three pounds from that fuck!" Sean growled angrily, "You'd think I want to try that again?!"
"Of course you do, brother!" A mysterious voice said from off-screen.
All of a sudden, both Sean and Lucas turned to the right to see Brian, who was dressed up as Hulk Hogan in his WrestleMania V attire. He then starts flexing his muscles and posing like Hulk Hogan set to the tune of "Real American" by Rick Derringer. After the song finally died down though, Brian/Hulk then approached Sean only to confront him.
"Hulk Hogan, what are you doing here in my house?' Sean asked the Hulkster.
"Well, let me tell you something, Mayhem Critic, who are you to say that the Hulkster's commercials are bad, brother?" Brian/Hulk asked Sean before continuing, "Well, just to let you know, dude! I've done many commercials that made me millions of dollars, jack! I've done Honey Nut Cheerios, LoanMart, Arby's, 10-10-220 with Alf, heck, I even did that Wrestling Superstars commercials made by Laughing Jokin Numbnuts, man."
"Well, truth be told, that one commercial where you came out with a wrecking ball in your underwear scarred me a bit." Sean nodded in return.
"I couldn't find my pants because that jabroni Jake "The Snake" Roberts stole mine in the dressing room as a prank, brother!" Hulk shot back to Sean before sitting on the couch between Sean and Lucas, "But none of that matters now, dude. The reason is that Hulk's commercials are golden, man. Heck, I'm obliged you include the Hulkster's sport stick commercial in your show, brother! Let's watch it together, dude!"
Hulk Hogan: After all, a true artiste…
(Hulk then paints his initials in the small picture he's painting.)
Hulk Hogan: ...should be remembered for his inspiration, not his perspiration.
"You see that, dudes?" Hulk/Brian smirked to both Sean and Lucas, "Anything the Hulkster's in, it's sure to sell like hotcakes, man! It was much hotter than the time yours truly bodyslammed Andre The Giant at WrestleMania III in front of 90,000 fans inside the Skydome, dude. The stadium was roaring, the crowd was ecstatic-"
"Um, Hulkster, it was at the Pontiac Silverdome, not the Skydome." Lucas said, correcting the Hulkster.
"Who's telling this story, dude? I am!" Hulkster said to Lucas before turning back to Sean, "Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, brother, did I ever tell you the time that's yours truly almost competed in that big celebrity basketball charity game back in 1993, jack? Yeah, it was me, Sylvester Stallone, Dennis Rodman, Lou Ferrigno and Mr. T against Michael Jordan, David Lee Roth, Kurt Russell, Darius McCrary and that toothpick David Faustino, dude. I would have competed in that, man, if only John Stamos didn't eat his damn banana in the middle of the court and make the Hulkster slip, jack. My leg broke in five places I had to leave the game, dude. You know who they replaced me in that game, brother? Bret "Hitman" Hart! What's the deal, man? Was this because I wouldn't put Bret over on the Hulkster's way out, dude? Because I would've-"
"Um, dude. Bret Hart's keying your car." Sean said as he looked to the window.
"Wait, what?" Hulk/Brian said as he quickly looked out to the window too, "Oh, brother!"
And then, finally, Hulk Hogan/Brian rushed right to the door, leaving the house thanks to Lucas and Sean's sake. Lucas then checked out the window for himself before letting out a groan.
"Um, Sean? The Hitman's not out there." Lucas replied.
"Yeah, I said that because I wanted the Hulk to leave us alone." Sean said to his friend.
Lucas then smirked with a chuckle, "Yeah, Hulkster's an idiot."
Hulk Hogan: Right Guard Sport Stick. Anything less would be uncivilized.
"Yeah, so was Santa With Muscles." Sean said to the camera, "That shit sucked."
(TV Static transitions to: RoboCop and the Ultra Police toy commercial from 1988)
(The commercial begins with the RoboCop and the Ultra Police logo)
Announcer: RoboCop!
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, kids! Remember back in the 80s when hard R-rated movies had kid toys?
"Yeah, a movie like RoboCop that shows scenes like this…" Sean said.
(A clip from RoboCop is shown, featuring a scene where Kinney gets brutally killed by ED-209)
"...is appropriate for a kid's toy on the shelves at Toys 'R Us." Sean said.
"Hey, us kids were hardcore back in the day. We watched the shit out of RoboCop." Lucas said.
"Okay, that's true. I did watch the movie when I was little. Besides, I was at that age when I thought that movie would be appropriate for kids after my mom has the game on the Nintendo and after seeing the movie." Sean said.
(Another scene from RoboCop is shown, this time the scene that is being shown is the scene where Murphy gets gunned down by Clarence Boddicker and his gang, which ends with Boddicker shooting Murphy in the head)
"You know? For kids!" Sean exclaimed.
(The Headhunter and Nitro action figures are shown along with the ED-260 action figure)
Announcer: His orders: get the evil vandals now! Headhunter, Nitro and the dangerous ED-260.
"Yeah, remember those two characters Headhunter and Nitro from the movie? Because I sure as hell don't. Maybe they were the two guys that tried to rape that woman in the movie." Lucas said.
"And the ED-260? Did ED-209 get a serious upgrade?" Sean asked.
(The kids flick the rapid repeat cap firing button on the backs of RoboCop and ED-260, which fires caps)
Announcer: RoboCop! Armed with rapid repeat cap firing…
Kid #1: He's unstoppable!
"Really? An action figure that fires caps like a cap gun. Yeah. don't we have something like a cap gun, Remember those?" Sean asked.
Announcer: With Ultra Police "Ace" Jackson and "Birdman" Barnes.
"Ace Jackson and Birdman Barnes. Sounds like the name of a bad Blaxploitation movie from the 1970s." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And is it just me or does "Ace" Jackson look like Jesse Ventura in action figure form?
(A picture of Jesse Ventura is shown next to "Ace" Jackson)
(The other commercial shows a kid dressed as RoboCop)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a good one. For those of you who want to play RoboCop, you can certainly dress up like him.
Announcer: Now the helmet, the look, the power of RoboCop! It's the Robo-Helmet and Ultra Blaster.
Kid #2: Drop it.
Announcer: The Robo-Helmet and cap-firing Ultra Blaster.
"Um, shouldn't that kid have the cap-firing Auto-9 instead of the Ultra Blaster? The Auto-9 is much more awesome than the Ultra Blaster." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) These commercials are so much fun and pretty creative for our warped fragile little minds. Let's hope that they don't end the commercial with RoboCop shooting the rapist in the nuts.
Announcer: RoboCop and the Ultra Police! Each sold separately.
(A clip of the movie is shown featuring RoboCop shooting a rapist in the groin)
Sean: (V/O) You know? For kids!
(TV Static transitions to: Final Fantasy III Super Nintendo commercial from 1994)
(The commercial begins in a mysterious monster's POV in which the shadow of the monster walks toward a door that says "Casting Office" while the sign next to it reads "Final Fantasy III Casting" on the right. The monster then breaks down the door to see a Mog sitting right behind the desk.)
Mog: Ok, kid, show me what ya got.
(The monster then roars at the Mog, who seems unimpressed.)
Mog: Yeah, right…
(The Mog shoots a stream of lightning towards the monster, who gets vaporized into black dust.)
"Well shit, if that isn't the shortest audition ever, I don't know what the hell is!" Lucas smirked out.
Sean: (Narrating) For the rest of you Final Fantasy fanboys out there, you definitely have to know this one.
Lucas: (Narrating) This of course is the commercial for Final Fantasy III, one of SquareSoft's biggest sleeper hit video games to come out of the Super Nintendo in 1994. This was way before they were Square Enix, of course.
"Although Final Fantasy III didn't reach mainstream success until the release of Final Fantasy VII for the PlayStation, this is considered among many gamers and RPG fans as the best fan favorite of the Final Fantasy franchise." Lucas replied, "And with a commercial like that, you definitely have to expect the best that Square's gotta offer to America, right?"
"Oh, let's see how it turned out." Sean nodded right to the camera.
(Gameplay of the Japanese version of Final Fantasy III for the NES starts playing, which leaves Sean looking a little puzzled and confused.)
"Um, Lucas, is this the right game?" Sean raised his eyebrow to Lucas, "Because this looks nowhere near like the SNES."
Lucas chuckled a bit before nodding, "Ahhh, that's where the story gets interesting, Sean. Because like it or not, that's not the version us Americans got. That's the Final Fantasy III the Japanese audience got for the NES."
Sean raised his eyebrow again before saying, "Really? Well, then what kind of Final Fantasy III did we get?"
"Well, it's simple, we got this." Lucas said to the camera.
(Gameplay of the American version of Final Fantasy III is shown, but this time, the gameplay is from the Japanese adaptation of Final Fantasy VI.)
"Wait a minute," Sean said to Lucas, "Is that…"
"That's right, Sean." Lucas nodded back, "The Final Fantasy III we got is actually Final Fantasy VI. Just like the Final Fantasy II we got here in the states was actually Final Fantasy IV in Japan."
"Really?" Sean raised his eyebrow once more, "Then, why didn't we get the other Final Fantasy II from Japan and Final Fantasy V here in the states?"
Lucas then nodded before saying, "Yeah, that's a long story for another time."
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the commercial, we see here that a couple of reject monsters are here to try out for the latest Final Fantasy game. Let's see how well they do with the Mog in charge.
Mog: NEXT!
(A big red monster with huge arms appears.)
Mog: Yes!
(Mog then shoots a bolt of lightning and vaporizes the big red monster, who yelps like a chicken.)
Mog: Next!
(A wraith in a glowing green light appears moaning in front of the Mog.)
Mog: Ooooh, scary.
(The Mog then shoots a bolt of lightning, vaporizing the wraith in an instant.)
"Oh please, I find Donald Trump in the White House to be scary than that." Sean rolled his eyes before sighing in relief, "Thank goodness that bastard's gone."
(A purple xenomorph-like creature appears, forcing the Mog to vaporize it clean off.)
Mog: Next!
(A pink floating-headed monster then appears before vaporized by the Mog again.)
Mog: Next!
(A skull-like creature with wings appears, not long before the Mog zaps it away with his Lightning.)
Mog: Next!
"Wow, this Mog must be dropping rejects like flies or something." Lucas nodded, "And no kidding, this Mog must be like some sort of human bug zapper."
"Yeah, imagine if I was like that." Sean said to himself before the screen blurred out on him.
(Cutaway gag starts.)
We see Sean typing on his laptop like always sitting in the middle of his couch.
"There we go, just about finished with my hot Liv Rooney/Austin Moon smutfic," Sean smirked to himself, "All I need is about 800 words to go and I'll be…"
However, his sentence was cut off by the sound of a fly buzzing around the room, which immediately started to irritate Sean.
"Wha- you fuckin' bastard!" Sean said, looking up to the buzzing fly with such anger, "Get the hell out of here."
And then, with rage deep inside him, Sean shot out a bolt of lightning from his finger, zapping the fly who soon went down on his mug of coffee.
"Augh, damn, now it's in my coffee." Sean groaned, all before smacking the coffee cup off the table, "Serves him right for interrupting me, that bitch."
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Ok, I totally need to play Final Fantasy III now. This commercial just sold me." Sean nodded to Lucas.
"I'll drink to that, dude." Lucas nodded back to Sean with a beer in hand.
Announcer: Final Fantasy III. Do you have what it takes? Final Fantasy III from SquareSoft.
(A small devil-like creature is poking his head at the door, bulging his eyes out in fear.)
Mog: Next!
(TV Static transitions to: The 60-Second Time Machine toothbrush commercial)
Announcer: Warning!
(The commercial cuts to two kids brushing their teeth)
Announcer: This toothbrush actually makes kids want to brush their teeth.
"Because really? Nobody likes to brush their teeth because they find it really boring. Now we can make it fun for children." Sean said.
Announcer: It's the 60-Second Time Machine and kids love it!
Sean: (Narrating) You all remember this commercial. They tend to advertise it on Cartoon Network. If your kids hate the chore of brushing their teeth, now there's a toothbrush that's fun for children.
Announcer: The gears turn, the lights flash and it's so cool, it makes kids want to brush.
"Okay, I am curious about how it works. Can you describe to us, Mr. Announcer Guy?" Lucas asked.
Announcer: This breakthrough design is amazing. It brushes all the surfaces of your teeth and it even brushes the top and bottom rows at the same time. Just bite the brush right and the Time Machine does all the work.
"Why couldn't my toothbrush to that for me?" Sean asked.
Announcer: Plus, the flashing lights time out a full 60-seconds, so kids get a good brushing and know not to stop till the lights go out.
"60 seconds? That's all it takes is a full 60-seconds to brush your teeth?" Lucas asked.
"Come on, I could last more longer with Taylor in the bedroom. Hey, it's the Brazzers videos I was watching that I had to try out some stuff with Taylor." Sean said.
"You better not be talking about what we do in the bedroom to the audience, Sean!" Taylor exclaimed.
"I'm not, babe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the kids on the commercial. They're having so much fun brushing their teeth. I especially love this kid right there and his expression.
(We cut to a young boy who's brushing his teeth and he starts raising his eyebrows up and down)
Announcer: But most importantly, it's fun!
"What is up with that kid raising his eyebrows?" Sean asked, chuckling a bit.
(We see the boy raising his eyebrows up and down once more)
"That the look that I make when I fantasize about having a threesome Taylor and pornstar Katie Kush." Sean said.
"Either that boy is having way too much fun brushing his teeth or he just saw Ava Addams' big, juicy knockers for the first time." Lucas said.
Sean: (V/O as Little Boy) I just saw titties for the first time. Yahoo!
Announcer: Hey, for bonus fun, you can even brush in the dark. Now, kids teeth are easy to clean.
"You can brush your teeth in the dark." Sean said. "Okay, how the hell is that even possible?"
"Yeah. What if they end up missing their teeth while brushing in the dark?" Lucas asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Lucas, who's in the bathroom brushing his teeth in the dark. After he's finished brushing his teeth, he turns on the light, only to see that he's got toothpaste all over his face)
Lucas: Goddamn it! I thought I could master brushing my teeth in the dark! Worthless piece of shit!
(Throws his toothbrush down on the ground)
Lucas: So much for this stupid toothbrush helping me brush my teeth in the dark.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Dr. Mark Colonna, DDS: Kids like it and that's great. But most importantly, clinical study show that this product works. It really does work.
"I should know because I'm a dentist." Sean said.
Mother: They actually want to brush their teeth. That's amazing!
"Hey, lady. My mother made sure that I brush my teeth. If I want fun, I'd rather have some fun with Anna Bell Peaks." Lucas said.
Kid: The Time Machine is so cool!
"Wait till I tell my friends about it." Sean said, imitating the kid.
Announcer: For $39.95, you'll get everything! The 60-Second Time Machine, the charger, the brush heads and the stand all for $39.95. That's less than the price of one cavity!
"Wait, what? $39.95 for this toothbrush? Oh, blow me. I'd rather buy an Oral B toothbrush for $5.95. How expensive are these assholes?! Can we move on to the next commercial?" Sean asked.
"Sure, lemme see what I got." Lucas said as he got the remote and changed the channel.
(TV Static transitions to: Digimon: Digital Monsters "It's Connected" commercial on Fox Kids from 2000.)
(The commercial opens up with Izzy from Digimon: Digital Monsters dialing on his phone set to the tune of ragtime music. Tai then hears the phone only to pick it up)
Tai Kamiya (voiced by Joshua Seth): Hello?
Izzy Izumi (voiced by Mona Marshall): Hey, Tai! It's Izzy.
Tai Kamiya: What's up?
Izzy Izumi: Nothing.
"Geez, why frickin' call Tai then if you ain't doing nothing?" Lucas groaned.
(The phone line rings.)
Izzy Izumi: Hold on, my other line's ringing. Hello?
Joe Kido (voiced by Michael Lindsay): Is Izzy there?
"Well, duh, you're goddamn talking to him!" Sean groaned as well.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, looking at this, I assume this must be a party line thing, courtesy of the show Digimon: Digital Monsters.
(Clips of the show Digimon: Digital Monsters begin to play out while the theme song plays.)
Sean: (Narrating) Right as the PokeMon craze took off in the mid to late 90's, there were many people looking to create many clones and copycats to feed off of PokeMon's success, and one of the most successful ones was Digimon: Digital Monsters, which became Fox Kids's flagship show for a good four years from 1999 around 2002. It's now moved onto syndication and it's still going very strong with the latest reboot that the series has right now with Digimon Adventure over at Japan.
Lucas: (Narrating) Back in the late 90's to early 2000's, there were a whole lot of Digimon products from video games, to action figures, to virtual pet devices, to even a movie that was released in 2000 itself. Ain't that something else? Plus, it also had commercials as well, just like this one we're seeing right now in the form of a little Fox Kids promo.
(Back to the commercial.)
Izzy Izumi: Yeah, hey Joe!
Joe Kido: It's Joe!
Izzy Izumi: I know!
"I swear, I'm about to hit the fuck out of both of you right now…" Sean muttered in anger, "Do they have amnesia or something?!"
"I dunno, probably Joe since he looks like Milhouse." Lucas pointed out.
Izzy Izumi: I'll have to call you back. Hey Tai, so what's-
(Phone line beeps.)
Tai Kamiya: Wait a sec, my other line's beeping. Hello?
Wormmon (voiced by Paul St. Peter): Yes, hello, is your refrigerator running?
Tai Kamiya: I'm not falling for that one.
"C'mon, don't you get it, Wormmon?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "Only Bart Simpson can pull off a perfect prank call. You can't."
Sean smirked before saying, "C'Mon, can you imagine Bart Simpson hijacking a Digimon episode? I mean, imagine how that goes."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean, dressed up as Tai from "Digimon" watching TV as usual with Taylor, who is dressed like Tai's sister, Kari. He then gets cut off by the sound of the phone, which Sean is forced off the couch and headed off to answer the phone, which he does right away.)
Sean/Tai: Hello?
(The scene then switches over to the Bart Simpson's bedroom, where Lucas, who is dressed like Bart Simpson from The Simpsons, is shown speaking to Tai/Sean on the phone.)
Lucas/Bart: Yeah, um… I'm looking for Bass. First name Imadum.
Sean/Tai: Yeah, hold on a minute… *To Taylor/Kari* Hey, Kari, you seen a Mr. Bass around?
Taylor/Kari: What's that, Tai?
Sean/Tai: I'm a dumbass!
(Taylor/Kari starts to laugh around the couch while Bart/Lucas erupts in incoherent laughter over the phone, which starts to irritate Sean/Tai)
Sean/Tai: Hey, wait a minute, who the hell is this?!
Lucas/Bart: Ummmmm… Ash Ketchum?
Sean/Tai: (angrily) Listen here, Mr. Ketchum, if I ever see you around, I'm gonna sic Agumon all over your worthless ass and make you choke on my damn digivice so far up your throat, you're gonna shit 'em out! You hear me?!
(Sean then hangs up the phone in a pissed off mood, Cutaway gag ends.)
"Oh man, that is classic," Sean smirked out, "That probably should've happened in the show."
(Back to the commercial)
Tai Kamiya: Izzy?
(phone like beeps.)
Izzy Izumi: Yeah, hold on Tai. Hello?
Tina: (to Izzy) Hey girlfriend, it's Tina!
Izzy Izumi: I'm not a girl.
Tina: Hehehehe, oops.
"Yeah, you can tell he's not a girl with that buttfuzz on Izzy's hair." Lucas smirked out, "Then again, that probably shouldn't be surprising since Izzy's voice actor also voiced a certain big fat bitch." He replied again, referring to Sheila Broflovski from South Park.
Izzy Izumi: Tai?
Tai Kamiya: Izzy?
Tina: Girlfriend?
Joe Kido: *confused* Uhhhhhhhh…
(Numbers start dialing on the phone.)
Tai Kamiya: Mom, I'm on the phone!
Tai's Mom (voiced by Dorothy Fahn): Oh dear…
"Yeah, can't you see he's on the fuckin' phone already?!" Lucas said, groaning to the camera, "Have some privacy there!"
"Yikes, imagine my mom having to butt in one of my phone calls while having private phone sex with my own girlfriend!" Sean rolled his eyes, "I definitely do not want to imagine what it's like."
Sean and Lucas both turned to the right to see if there was a cutaway gag played for this occasion, which thankfully, there wasn't one to begin with.
"Thank goodness, I didn't have a cutaway gag planned for that." Sean shook his head, "Let's move on to the next one. I hate party lines."
Robotic narrator: Digimon, all summer on Fox Kids. It's connected.
(TV Static transitions to: Red Lobster commercial featuring Ed O'Neill)
(The commercial start with a shot of someone eating Alaskan snow crab with a halibut and salmon)
Announcer: It's not unusual to see someone eat Alaskan snow crab meat with halibut and salmon in Alaska.
"Hey, seeing that guy eat Alaskan snow crab meat with halibut and salmon is making me hungry." Sean said, licking his lips filled with hunger.
"Goes great with some damn melted butter too." Lucas nodded alongside Sean.
(We cut to someone eating shrimp creole with bayou-style gumbo and Cajun blackened snapper)
Announcer: And it's not unusual to see someone eat shrimp creole with bayou-style gumbo and Cajun blackened snapper in Louisiana.
(We see a man, played by Ed O'Neill eating)
"Except if you're Al Bundy of course." Lucas smirked in surprise, "Would you believe that was the first decent meal he had for once before being married to Peggy Bundy?"
"I'm surprised this was Ed O'Neill way before Married… With Children." Sean nodded, "And not to mention waaaaaaay long before Modern Family too."
Sean: (Narrating) Notice the look on his face while he's eating. This is the look of a man who's enjoying his seafood. I betcha this is what he's thinking while he's eating.
Al Bundy: (V/O) Other people get to eat like this all the time. The animals at the zoo eat better than me. More often, I might add.
"Yeah, he's savoring the last great meal that he'll ever have in his life." Sean said.
"I wish I could have an epic meal like that. And that damn commercial is making me hungry for some seafood." Lucas said.
Announcer: Presenting Red Lobster's Seafood Tastes of America. With five new combination platters. We traveled across America to get them, so you don't have to.
"Feel like this commercial should end with Al Bundy saying "Let's Rock.". Can we add it to the end of the commercial?" Sean asked.
Announcer: Presenting Red Lobster's Seafood Tastes of America. With five new combination platters. We traveled across America to get them, so you don't have to.
(A clip from Married… With Children is shown)
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Let's rock.
"Hey, it would make this commercial 100 times better." Sean said.
Announcer: We traveled across America to get them, so you don't have to.
(TV Static transitions to: Trix commercial featuring Bugs Bunny from 1985)
(The commercial opens up to an animated TV playing a Trix commercial.)
Kid Narrator: Trix is part of this good nutritious breakfast.
Kid 2: *to Trix Rabbit* Silly rabbit, Trix are for Kids.
(A gloved hand appears and turns off the TV revealing to be Bugs Bunny.)
Bugs Bunny: *to camera* What that rabbit needs is a trickier disguise.
"Well, who would've expected this?" Lucas chuckled a bit, "A commercial where Bugs Bunny is watching a Trix commercial in the privacy of his own hole? How original."
(Bugs Bunny then takes the phone and calls the Trix Rabbit's number, forcing the Trix Rabbit to pick his phone up.)
Trix Rabbit: Hello?
Bugs Bunny: Ehhhh, what's up, Doc?
Trix Rabbit: (surprised) B-B-B-Bugs Bunny?
Bugs Bunny: In person… *steps out of the scene and into Trix's room*...to help you get some Trix.
Sean then bulged his eyes out in surprise saying, "Oh, now THIS is what I call a friggin' crossover!"
"Oh. may the commercial gods be blessed." Lucas nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) In this crossover no one saw coming, it's a Trix commercial with a special Bugs Bunny cameo included to please all Looney Tunes and Trix fans.
Lucas shrugged out, "Because if the Trix Rabbit won't get the Trix by himself, who better to help him do it than the rabbit who's most responsible for shit like this…"
(Clips of Bugs Bunny play out in a montage, which shows Bugs Bunny pulling the gun Elmer Fudd was pointing to straight to Daffy Duck, firing his beak off, next one shows Bugs Bunny being annoyed by an audience member before shooting him, other one sees Bugs Bunny saw the entire state of Florida, next clip shows Bugs extend his hand to a wrestler, only for the wrestler to pull it off and chew it before it reveals to be a stick of dynamite, therefore exploding in his face, and the last clip of course shows Bugs spilling cheese all over the theater floor, forcing both Daffy and Elmer to get tripped, flying them towards the movie picture. Daffy and Elmer then get terrified by cartoon version of Jason Voorhees, who's out starting a chainsaw, forcing both Daffy and Elmer to run around in fear. And it was all set to the tune of "Hog Wild" from Crash Bandicoot N-Sane Trilogy.)
"Yep, ain't he a fuckin' stinker." Sean nodded to the camera.
Trix Rabbit: Fruity Trix?
(Fruits then start to appear around the Trix Rabbit's eyes.)
Trix Rabbit: Orange, lemon, grape!
Bugs Bunny: What? No carrot? *hands the Trix Rabbit a carrot* Here.
(Trix Rabbit then examines the carrot in an upsettingly way while Bugs then measures him with a measuring tape.)
Bugs Bunny: Have I got a disguise for you. Here's the plan...
(Bugs then whispers in Trix Rabbit's ear.)
"Huh, wonder what Bugs got planned for him?" Lucas said, raising his eyebrow.
"Oh, I know!" Sean raised his hand, "Maybe the Trix Rabbit will come as Joe Biden. No wait, maybe LeBron James! Or heck, maybe he'll go as himself! Man, this is hard."
Lucas: (Narrating) Unfortunately, we wouldn't get that answer until the other commercial appears where Trix Rabbit is dressed as, you know it, Bugs Bunny himself.
(The 2nd commercial shows Trix Rabbit, dressed as Bugs Bunny, hiding right behind a tree while watching two kids pour Trix right on their bowl.)
Boy 1: Is that the silly rabbit?
Trix Rabbit: Make that bunny. Bugs Bunny!
"Oh, come the fuck on, like what kind of kids are gonna fall for that bullshit?" Sean rolled his eyes at the camera, "I mean, he wasn't fully disguised. Shouldn't he have that Bugs Bunny mask on as well?"
"But he is not a crook." Lucas replied, imitating Richard Nixon.
Girl 1: Wow! Could you sign my box of Trix?
Trix Rabbit: Sure… *signs the box* As movie stars loves Trix, a delicious part of this complete breakfast.
"Well, son of a bitch, I can't believe that actually frickin' worked for once!" Lucas smirked out, "He actually got his box of Trix after all this time!"
"I gotta say, it was well deserved. Good for him." Sean nodded.
Trix Rabbit: Trix! Orange, Lemons, Grapes, huzzee!
(The Trix Rabbit then hops out of his disguise, forcing the girl to snatch away the box.)
Girl 1: Silly rabbit, Trix-
(Bugs Bunny then turns the TV off.)
Bugs Bunny: I prefer a happy ending. Hehehe…
Both Sean and Lucas immediately facepalm themselves out of frustration, leaving them a bit silent for several seconds before Sean rolled his eyes.
"You stupid dipshit," Sean said, referring to the Trix rabbit, "You just had to slide out of your damn disguise like a friggin' moron. Are you that retarded?!"
Lucas shook his head, "No shit, he had… one… job. ONE FRIGGIN' JOB! Thanks a lot, Trix Rabbit, you might as well paint the words "Dumbass" all over your head because that's you really are! In fact…"
(A picture of the Trix Rabbit pops up with the words "Dumbass" spray painted on top of it.)
"That's all, folks!" Lucas smirked before grabbing the remote and said, "Ok, next commercial."
(TV Static transitions to: Indiana Jones Diet Coke commercial from 1990)
(The commercial opens with a man and his wife sitting in the living room watching Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, man. Talk about one awesome commercial. For those of you who owned Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on VHS back in the day, you should remember this little Diet Coke ad featuring our favorite archeologist.
"First, Batman. And now, Indiana Jones. They sure do love their Diet Coke. Who's next, James Bond?" Lucas asked.
(TV static transitions to: Up All Knight with Chad Knight)
"Well, you have a Diet Coke commercial which featured Pierce Brosnan from 1986. This was before he played James Bond." Chad said.
"Motherfu… Chad! Seriously, you had to just hijack the commercials special again. And right when I was about to talk about this commercial." Sean said.
"Hey, just so you know, I am a huge Indiana Jones fan and my parents had the movie on VHS. So, I'd figure I talk about it with you guys." Chad said.
"Should we let him talk about the commercial with us?" Sean asked Lucas.
"Come on, Lucas. You know you two want me to talk about this commercial with you." Chad said.
"If it's going to keep me from killing you, then fine." Lucas said, rolling his eyes.
"Sweet! Wait, you're not going to kill me are you?" Chad asked.
"What? No, I'm not going to kill you." Lucas said while he's polishing his rifle.
"Oh, really? Then why are you polishing your rifle?" Chad asked.
Sean turned to Lucas and notices him polishing his rifle.
"Fuck! He's on to us." Sean said as Lucas hands him the rifle and quickly hiding it underneath his couch.
Chad: (Narrating) Now, as Sean was saying, this commercial was on the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade VHS. We see a couple watching Raiders of the Lost Ark on television and her husband asks her to go into the kitchen and grab him something to drink.
Husband: While you're up, could you get me a soft drink?
Lucas: (Narrating) The guy is into the movie and his wife has a dangerous trek to the kitchen which are filled with dangerous booby traps.
(The woman flicks the kitchen light on. Then, spikes start popping out from out of the doorway as Indiana Jones quickly moves her out of the way before the spikes push all the way out, trapping her in the kitchen)
Sean: (Narrating) But Indiana Jones is there to help her out on her adventure and the next dangerous thing that she encounters is…
(The woman lights a match and sees a bunch of snakes on the floor before looking up to see one hanging from the ceiling)
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" Sean said, imitating Indiana Jones.
(Indiana Jones arrives as he grabs the woman. He grabs the snake and him and the woman swing across to the other side of the kitchen)
Chad: (Narrating) Indy and the woman make it across the room and when she makes it to the refrigerator, she has to make the biggest choice.
Grail Knight (Played by Robert Eddison): You must choose, but choose wisely.
Chad: (Narrating) And what does she pick?
(The woman grabs the can of Diet Coke)
Announcer: Discover real cola taste with just one calorie, Diet Coke.
"Well, of course. It's always Diet Coke. Diet Coke is the right choice." Lucas said.
"Luckily, she didn't take the Pepsi Challenge. Man, fuck that challenge." Sean said. "I still can't believe that I got Mr. Pibb!"
"Come on, Sean. You know what Pierce Brosnan said about Diet Coke." Chad said.
(A clip from the Diet Coke commercial featuring Pierce Brosnan is shown)
Pierce Brosnan: That's why Diet Coke is the perfect soft drink…
(Pierce throws an ice cube on the ground as a ninja slips on it and falls out the window)
Pierce Brosnan: ...for an imperfect world.
"See?" Chad asked.
"Can I shoot him with the rifle now?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) And when she chooses the Diet Coke, the whole kitchen starts collapsing and the woman makes the leap of faith. She holds on to dear life until Indiana Jones saves her and he catches the Diet Coke with his whip.
Sean: (V/O as Indiana Jones) That Diet Coke belongs in a museum.
(The woman looks at Indiana dreamily as romantic music plays. She then notices the door getting ready to close. Indy pushes her out and she slides out of the kitchen and screams with the can of Diet Coke in his hand)
Grail Knight: You have chosen wisely.
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Later, sweetheart.
Husband: (as his wife hands him the can of Diet Coke) That Indiana.
Announcer: Discover the one calorie, real cola taste worth leaving Pepsi for…
(The husband sips his Diet Coke and his wife sighs)
Announcer: ...Diet Coke.
Sean sighed and a smile appears on his face. "You know, as awesome this commercial was, don't you wish that his wife could've told him off or threw that can of soda at his nuts? Come on, don't act like you wish that would've happened in the commercial."
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I can just imagine the conversation between the two of them at the end of the commercial.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean sitting on the couch watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as Taylor enters the living room. We see that her clothes are torn and she's a little beat up)
Sean: (Chuckles) That Indiana.
(Taylor hands Sean the can of Diet Coke and sits down next to him on the couch. Sean sips his soda, then turns to Taylor and notices her)
Sean: What happened to you?
Taylor: What happened? While I was getting your Diet Coke from the kitchen I was almost impaled by spikes, ran into a bunch of snakes and I almost fell to my death while trying to grab your damn soda.
Sean: Oh, man. Are you okay, babe?
Taylor: Next time, you grab your damn soda.
(Taylor grabs Sean's can of Diet Coke and pours it over his head, then heads upstairs)
Sean: Babe, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to put you through all of this!
Taylor: And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucked ass!
Sean: It was still a good movie, you crazy bitch!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Chad: (Narrating) It's a fun little commercial that shows that Batman's not the only one that loves Diet Coke.
Announcer: Discover the one calorie real cola taste worth leaving Pepsi for. Diet Coke.
(The slogan "Just for the taste of it. Diet Coke" pops up on the screen, followed by a clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
Professor Henry Jones (Played by Sean Connery): That's for blasphemy.
"There you go. I helped you guys out with a commercial. Now, where's my early Christmas gift?" Chad asked.
"You'll get it at the end of the special." Sean said.
"But I want it now!" Chad whined.
Getting annoyed with Chad, Lucas quickly grabs the rifle from underneath Sean's couch and aims it at Chad as he starts shooting at him. Chad ducks down for cover.
"Have you lost your goddamn mind?!" Chad yelled out.
(TV static transitions to: Urkel O's commercials starring Jaleel White from 1992.)
(The commercial opens with Urkel entering Rachel's Place while wearing a chef's hat and holding a picture of Laura)
Steve Urkel (Played by Jaleel White): Oh, Laura. My pet. I've created something that will make you love me.
"What the hell? Huh?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Remember back in 1992 when Steve Urkel from the hit sitcom Family Matters had his own cereal? Well, he did and it's a real thing.
Lucas: (Narrating) In this commercial, Urkel has created a breakfast cereal that will win Laura's heart.
"Really? He's created a cereal that will make Laura love him? Oy, the things us guys do for love." Sean said.
Urkel: (Starts spinning around his stool and rapping) I got a great new cereal. (Sees the cereal pouring into someone's bowl) Did I do that?
"And all of a sudden, he starts rapping." Lucas said.
Urkel: So hike up your pants for the Urkel O's rap.
(Three girls are eating the cereal)
Girl: Mmm! (Singing) We're Urkelized with Urkel O's.
"And there's the catchiest tagline ever." Sean said.
Girls: (Singing) We're Urkelized with Urkel O's.
Sean: (Narrating) I thought that when you eat Urkel O's and getting Urkelized, you end up turning into Urkel and start annoying the shit out of Carl Winslow.
Urkel: (Rapping) Strawberry, banana. Fruit flavors, oh my. Just one little bite and I'll know she'll be mine.
"This cereal has only strawberry and banana? Ok, that is so boring with only two flavors. Hell, Fruit Loops had many flavors than this cereal." Lucas said.
"Yeah, if you want to make Laura love you, you better add more flavors rather than strawberry and banana." Sean said.
Urkel: She'll be Urkelized!
Girls: (Singing) Urkelized with Urkel O's.
Urkel: (To the photo of Laura) Oh Laura, when I find you, you'll taste true love.
"You'll enjoy this cereal and one day you will be mine." Sean said, imitating Urkel.
Urkel: The Urkelized part of this complete breakfast.
"Yeah, I'm sure that the Bill Cosby cereal had the same effect on people." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Fun fact: the Urkel O's cereal is made by the company called Ralston, and they're well known for making other popular cereals like the Nintendo Cereal System, Batman cereal and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal. And yes, they were all iconic back in the 80s. Also, Ralston was part of the Purina Company.
"Purina, as in Purina Cat Chow? I hope that it doesn't taste like cat food." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Urkel O's only appeared in the cereal aisle in 1992 and by 1993 the cereal was discontinued. Hell, they even made fun of it on an episode of The Simpsons.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Apu (Voiced by Hank Azaria): Urkel O's, delicious but forbidden.
Sean: (Narrating) It's cringy, it's silly. It's the cereal that will make you say, "Did I do that?".
Urkel: The Urkelized part of this complete breakfast. (Laughs and snorts)
(TV static transitions to: Blockbuster Video commercial featuring Richard Lewis from 1997)
(The commercial opens with comedian Richard Lewis walking around Blockbuster Video looking for something to watch)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a commercial from the good 'ol 90s. And it's a Blockbuster Video commercial.
"Ah, Blockbuster Video. I remember renting Wargods on the N64 and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. A movie that I regret watching and if you want to know what me and Lucas think about the movie, then go check out the review that we did for Sequelitis Month back in 2019." Sean said.
"Trust us, we've definitely ripped that movie a new one." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So, this is before Netflix and Redbox for when you want to watch a movie and man, do we miss the good 'ol days. We see comedian Richard Lewis in Blockbuster trying to find something to watch and they don't have the movie he wants
Richard Lewis: They really never have the movie I want. I'm gonna end up watching Boring Animals Attack Part 4.
"I'm gonna be stuck at home watching reruns of Anything but Love since I can't find anything to watch." Sean said, imitating Richard Lewis.
(Richard finds the movie that they have)
Richard Lewis: Wait a minute, wait a minute. They actually have it.
"I just love how excited he got when he saw that they actually have the movie that he wants." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I wonder what movie he picked up that they have.
"I betcha it's probably John Carpenter's Escape from New York or Street Fighter." Lucas said.
"Let's make sure that it's not…" Sean said.
Announcer: Jaws: The Revenge. This time, it's personal. On videocassette from MCA Home Video.
"My God!" Sean yelled out.
Announcer: More copies of new releases than ever before. Believe it!
Richard Lewis: What's going on around here, huh?
"Is this a setup from Larry David? Come on, Larry. What's the joke here?" Sean asked, imitating Richard Lewis.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love these commercials with him in it. Whether it's him finding a movie that he wants or when every time he takes home a movie, he gets sucked into this void and ends up taking something else. Hell, take a look at this commercial where he's about to pay for his movie, he gets a free popcorn.
Clerk: (Hands Richard Lewis a free bag of popcorn) Here's your free bag of popcorn, Mr. Lewis.
Richard Lewis: Free? Free, what free? What is this, some kind of a sting operation? (Turns down the bag of popcorn) Hey, hey, hey. What is this a setup?
"No, Mr. Lewis. It's not a setup. You returned your movies by 8pm and you're getting a free popcorn and you'll get a $1 off tonight's new release. Here's the new release for tonight, how about Mulan?" Lucas asked while holding a bag of popcorn in his hand and a Blu-Ray copy of the movie Mulan.
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just love how they tell you that when you return your movies by 8pm, they'll give you a free popcorn and you'll get a $1 off any new release? That's a deal that I can enjoy.
"Just imagine every video rental store giving you a deal like this." Lucas said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open on Mayhem Video, where we see Sean, playing the video store clerk, and Lucas, who's playing the customer, as he walks up to the register to return his movies)
Sean: Thank you for returning your movies by 8pm, Mr. Hackett. Here's your free popcorn.
(Hands Lucas a free bag of popcorn)
Lucas: Free? Wait, I get a free bag of popcorn for returning my movies by 8pm?
Sean: That's correct. And you'll get a $1 off on tonight's new releases. We have Bill & Ted Face the Music, if you're interested.
Lucas: Freakin' sweet, man! I'll take it.
Sean: Let's not forget, that you'll get a free 16 ounce Mountain Dew Code Red and any Brazzers movie featuring your favorite pornstar of your choice.
Lucas: Count me in! Nicolette Shea, here I come!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) These commercials are hilarious and nostalgic and they make us miss going to video rental stores and this one will make you go home happy.
Richard Lewis: What's going on around here, huh?
Announcer: Go home happy!
(TV static transitions to: WWE 2K20 "Ballroom Blitz" commercial from 2019.)
(The commercial opens up outside the mansion where the WWE 2K20 logo pops up before the scene transitions to inside a tuxedo party where some of the wrestlers are attending.)
"Ah, hell." Sean groaned.
"Yep, same here." Lucas nodded while sipping his Coors Light.
Sean: (Narrating) Yep, the rest of you gamers and wrestling fans know this by now, and yeah, as you can tell, this is a commercial promoting WWE 2K20. Why on earth was this game thought up in the first place, I can't possibly tell, but we'll get to that in a little while.
Lucas: (Narrating) As you can possibly see, there's a little fancy tuxedo party going on inside a fancy mansion where all of the wrestlers of the WWE are cordially invited. And you can see, they're having quite a time, except there's a little tension going on. Let's check it out.
(The scene transitions to the bar where Hulk Hogan is slapping "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on the shoulder.)
Hulk Hogan: Hey, brother.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: What's happening…
(Stone Cold then slaps Hulk in the arm.)
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: ...brother?
(Hulk and Stone Cold then stare down at each other threateningly before moving to gameplay from the game itself, which shows Stone Cold leaping all over Hulk, Hulk bodyslamming Stone Cold, Stone Cold stomping Hulk repeatedly, Hulk Hogan doing a leg drop on Stone Cold, and ending the sequence with Stone Cold giving Hulk Hogan a Stone Cold Stunner in that order.)
"Now that's what I call a dream match." Lucas nodded out, "Two men from both the Golden Era and Attitude Era duking it out for everyone to see. What more could everyone possibly want?"
Sean then shrugged in response, "Well, if the gameplay says for itself, we might as well see, will we?"
(A cameraman is shown photographing both Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair as they share a laugh before the two stare down very tensely with each other. More gameplay is shown featuring Charlotte chopping Becky in the chest, Becky tossing Charlotte with an exploder suplex, Charlotte doing a Figure 8 Leglock and ends with Becky Lynch trapping Charlotte with a Dis-Arm-Her.)
"Ah, quite a matchup there." Sean nodded, "We got the mother of Seth Rollins's child vs. Ric Flair's daughter. Once again, what more could be possibly ever want?"
(The scene then transitions to Bret "Hitman" Hart and Shawn Michaels meeting each other next to a dining table.)
Bret "Hitman" Hart: *to Shawn* Shawn.
Shawn Michaels: *to Bret* Bret.
(The two men then shake hands.)
"Oh man, I'm only hoping they sanitized their hands before that handshake." Lucas replied right away.
(The gameplay switches to Bret Hart giving Shawn Michaels an arm wrench, followed by Shawn Michaels giving Bret Hart a sharpshooter, then followed by Bret giving Shawn a Russian Leg Sweep.)
(The scene then switches to Velveteen Dream, who's staring at an ice sculpture of The Ultimate Warrior.)
"Ok, please tell me he's not gonna be fighting an ice sculpture of The Ultimate Warrior." Sean shook his head.
Lucas then reassured him by saying, "Don't worry he doesn't. Although if he actually did, you can best be sure he's gonna end up with bloody damn knuckles."
(The classical music soon picks up showing back-to-back shots of respective faceoffs, which followed up with Stone Cold crushing his beer with his hand, Becky and Charlotte still exchanging their face-offs followed by Bret and Shawn's.)
Paul Heyman: Best ever, Brock Lesnar!
(Paul then starts to swing his arms, accidentally hitting Roman Reigns in the chest, which forces cake to land on Roman's entire chest. The music finally stops, forcing the guests to look at Roman while fearing the worst to happen to Paul.)
"Oh… shit. Better hide." Lucas gulped as he leapt behind the couch, possibly as a way to duck and cover.
"Yeah, same here too." Sean nodded, possibly joining him behind the couch too.
(Roman Reigns starts to get pissed off at Paul, who's backing away from him. He then starts to approach him with an angry look at his face, which is then cut back to more gameplay showing Roman Reigns hitting Brock Lesnar with a Superman Punch, Becky Lynch taking down Charlotte Flair with a falling armbreaker, Sting hitting Braun Strowman with a Scorpion Death Drop, Shawn Michaels hitting Bret Hart with a Sweet Chin Music, Hulk Hogan bodyslamming "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and ends with Roman Reigns giving Brock Lesnar a spear.)
Sean and Lucas, still terrified as ever, rose up from behind the couch only to break in a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank goodness it switched to the gameplay." Sean replied, "I can't imagine what kind of crap Roman did to Paul for that cake accident."
"If I had to, I'd say this would probably be the last time everyone would see Heyman alive." Lucas nodded to his friend.
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this commercial was frickin' awesome at best. Seeing all these wrestlers from the past, present and future in this situation was something wrestling fans can definitely dream up. It made us even more excited to play the game, playing it nonstop until our fingers fell off. And once we opened to the box, we put the game in and well…
(Gameplay of WWE 2K20 is shown, mostly having bugs and glitches all throughout the game. These include Randy Orton spazzing out after hitting Batista, Ronda Rousey's entire legs spazzing all around the apron, John Cena levitating on the apron, Charlotte Flair spinning all around the ring trapped in a crab walk position while Sasha Banks is frozen on the ground, and Becky Lynch's entire face disappearing and glitching in Create-A-Superstar mode, all set to the tune of "Night At Bald Mountain".)
Sean lowered his head and shook his head with regret before raising his head and groaned, "Ladies and gentleman, what you have shown with your own two eyes is practically the worst goddamn wrestling game you will ever experience in your life. 2K Games, you should have your testicles pinned to jumper cables and get shocked for bringing us one garbage fire of a game."
"Yeah, I don't know why I bought the Digital Deluxe Edition of the game itself." Lucas shook his head, "Sure, it gave us free DLC like Hulk Hogan, Chyna and "The Fiend" Bray Wyatt, but this was seriously not worth the money the loyal wrestling fans paid for to own a game that has more glitches and bugs than Superman 64 and less appealing than a puppy lighting his ass on fire."
Sighing depressingly, Sean then said to the camera, "Fans, if you want a real wrestling game that doesn't play like WWE 2K20, go with WWF No Mercy, Smackdown: Here Comes The Pain, WWE 2K18 or WWE 2K19 for either the PS4 or XBOX ONE because those ones play really damn good. Don't get 2K18 for the Switch though because that one is as slow as shit."
"And as for WWE 2K20?" Sean said as he brought out a box of WWE 2K20.
He then tosses the game box out of the window and shoots it non-stop until the entire game is turned to bullet-holed rubble.
Sean then sat back on the couch and said, "That game can eat lead. And that's the bottom line, cause The Mayhem Critic and UltimateWarriorFan4Ever said so."
Roman Reigns: (Narrating) Step inside my yard. Rated T for Teen.
(A clip of Spider-Man: Far From Home plays showing Nick Fury.)
Nick Fury (played by Samuel L. Jackson): See, now that's some bullshit.
(TV static transitions to: Jello No-Bake Cheesecake commercial from 1992)
(The commercial opens with a woman and her friends sitting at a table and eating cheesecake)
Woman #1: Carol, you baked this cheesecake?
(Carol shakes her head)
Woman #2: I can't believe you baked this cheesecake.
"Ah, yes. The easier way to bake a cheesecake. More like the laziest way to bake a cheesecake." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) For those of you who don't know this by now, Jello has these No-Bake Cheesecake mixes for people to make that has real fruit topping and it just takes 15 minutes to prepare. How lazy is that?
Woman #1: Mmm, this tastes wonderful.
Woman #2: Oh! I want seconds.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love the fact that her friends are just loving the cheesecake
Woman #1: Mmm, this tastes wonderful.
Woman #2: Oh! I want seconds.
"Like Oh, my God, Carol. This cheesecake is so delicious." Sean said in a feminine voice.
"Like can you give me and Gretchen the recipe? We would so want to know how you did it." Lucas said in a feminine voice.
Woman #1: Carol, I want the recipe.
Woman #3: Not me. I'll wait till they come up with a nice, easy mix.
Woman #1: Right, a mix with real cherries. Come on.
"Hell, I don't think that the Golden Girls would eat that cheesecake." Lucas said.
"Unless it's Jello No-Bake chocolate cheesecake." Sean said.
"Nah!" Sean and Lucas both said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And all it takes is 15 minutes to fix a damn cheesecake. 15 minutes?! I can go through watching Hot & Mean videos featuring Abella Danger, Molly Stewart and Richelle Ryan in 15 minutes than to fix a cheesecake.
Woman #2: Honestly, Carol. This must've taken all day.
Woman #3: Yeah, no wonder you didn't have time to do your hair.
(They laugh as Carol playfully throws her napkin at her friend)
(A clip from Elf is shown)
Buddy (Played by Will Ferrell): You sit on a throne of lies.
"Look, my mother would never buy something like this. She makes her cheesecake by scratch. She'll get all the ingredients and make it." Sean said.
"What about Taylor?" Lucas asked.
"Oh, I'm pretty sure that Taylor makes a mean cheesecake." Sean said.
Taylor enters the living room holding two plates of cheesecake that she made as she walks over to the couch.
"Hey, guys. Since you two are busy with your little commercials special, I'd figure I fix you guys something to eat. So, I made a cherry cheesecake." Taylor said as she passes the plate over to Sean.
"Ooh, cherry cheesecake." Sean said.
"Looks good." Lucas said as he starts eating his slice.
"Mmm, babe. This must've taken you all day to make it." Sean said while eating his slice of cheesecake.
"Well, it didn't take me too long. It took me about 15 minutes. I bought that Jello No-Bake cherry cheesecake." Taylor said.
Sean and Lucas both stayed silent and looked at Taylor as they both continued to eat the cheesecake.
"It's pretty good." Sean said.
"I like it, Taylor. It's pretty good. You're a damn good baker." Lucas said.
"Thanks, Lucas. I'm glad that you two like the cheesecake. I'll make sure to make another for Christmas." Taylor said, smiling as she heads to the kitchen.
"Alright, she's gone. Stop eating it and give me your plate." Sean said as Lucas stops eating his slice of cheesecake and hands it to him.
"What are you gonna do?" Lucas said.
"You'll see." Sean said as he picks up his phone and dials the number. "Hello, Mom. Hey, it's me. Listen, could you make me and Lucas a cherry cheesecake. Taylor made a cheesecake made from Jello No-Bake mix. Your cheesecake is better. You will? Thanks, Mom."
"Your mom's going to make the cheesecake for us?" Lucas asked.
"Oh, yeah. She makes the best cheesecake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who don't want to take long to make a cheesecake, then this is the one for you. Let's just hope that Bill Cosby isn't involved.
Announcer: New Jell-O cheesecake. Made with real fruit topping.
Woman #1: You know, I hear Jell-O makes a good cheesecake.
(A clip from Mind of Mencia is shown)
Carlos Mencia: You lying whore!
(TV static transitions to: Crystal Pepsi's "Right Now" commercial from 1993.)
(The commercial opens to the tune of Van Halen's "Right Now" while a baby is shown standing up with the words "RIGHT NOW NATURE'S INVENTING STUFF BETTER THAN SCIENCE." popping up front on screen.)
(A picture of a watch going fast forward is shown.)
RIGHT NOW THE FUTURE'S ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU
(A picture of a computer screen is shown next.)
Right now computers still can't laugh.
"Well, the feeling's mutual, because I got a feeling where this is probably heading." Sean rolled his eyes, fearing for the worst.
"And the rest of you are thinking right now, 'Could it get any worse than this'?" Lucas shrugged.
(A clip of ProJared from the Ride To Hell Retribution episode is shown.)
ProJared: Why yes, it does get worse.
(ProJared then lowers his head in shame.)
Singer (off-screen): HEY! It's your tomorrow!
(A clip of a beautiful blonde-haired woman is shown on top of a red convertible that is trapped inside a snowglass.)
RIGHT NOW ARTIFICIAL DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.
"You wanna know what really doesn't feel right? That woman's trapped inside a snowglass without no air!" Lucas pointed out, "God, now I know how Mai Valentine from Yu-Gi-Oh felt like when she got trapped inside that hourglass once."
(A picture of a rhinoceros is shown next.)
RIGHT NOW ONLY WILDLIFE NEEDS PRESERVATIVES.
Singer: Come on, it's eeeeeeeeverything! RIGHT NOW!
(A picture of an astronaut is seen floating in space.)
RIGHT NOW WILL DO JUST FINE WITHOUT CAFFEINE.
"Well, no shit, I'm gonna use some just to stay awake from all this boredom." Sean rolled his eyes again, "Why don't they at least reveal the whole damn thing already?"
(A picture of flowers is shown now.)
RIGHT NOW WE'RE ALL THIRSTY FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT
(A picture of carbonated water is shown next with words floating up.)
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT CLEAR
"Make what clear?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "Announce the fact that Pepsi's now changed their name to fucking Sprite?"
Sean then crossed his arms before scoffing in laughter, "Yeah, imagine that."
(A bottle of Crystal Pepsi is shown falling inside the liquid.)
INTRODUCING CRYSTAL PEPSI
Both Sean and Lucas look at the camera in terrified shock, leaving their jaws dropped in utter disappointment.
(A clip of Angry Video Game Nerd from the Dick Tracy episode plays)
AVGN: WHHHHHHHY!?
(The Nerd then chugs an entire bottle of Rolling Rock before screaming into a pillow.)
(Back to the commercial.)
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, why the fuck not could this be? Because if losing Eddie Van Halen in 2020 wasn't sad enough, we have to endure a commercial showing the worst goddamn idea ever to exist out of humankind back in 1993, Crystal Pepsi. Watching this, you have to imagine what kind of drugs were they on when they came up with this idea.
Lucas: (Narrating) Plus, this commercial is just plain sacrelious when you realize they're using a Van Halen song. Did the Pepsi company ever get any permission from Van Halen themselves to use one of their tunes in this inexcusable shit heap? I don't think they did, not that I even know of.
Sean then shook his head saying, "Watching this is just a damn nightmare. Can you imagine AC/DC putting one of their songs in a New Coke commercial? Or maybe imagine putting a good Aerosmith song inside a Coca Cola Blak commercial."
"I'm glad I never tasted that shit in the first place." Lucas shook his head, "I bet it'd taste like burnt death mixed with Pee Wee Herman's jizz."
"Oh, man, that is nasty!" Sean smirked out.
Chorus: RIGHT NOW!
(A picture of a girl drinking Crystal Pepsi is shown.)
RIGHT NOW IS CLEARLY DIFFERENT
(A picture of coins rolling on a map is shown next.)
RIGHT NOW CHANGE IS LOOSE ON THE PLANET
"Right now, I'm about to let something else loose on the planet," Sean rolled his eyes again, "And it's gonna be my friggin' rage in a minute."
(A mouse rolling up inside a wheel is shown next.)
RIGHT NOW THE BEATEN TRACK DOESN'T LOOK GOOD
(A guy riding his bike on a clear floor is shown next.)
RIGHT NOW IS MORE REFRESHING THAN EVER
"Um, you mean regarding how this year's been?" Lucas raised his eyebrow, "Okay, I call bullshit on that. This year goddamn sucked!"
(A guy sitting on a bench drinking his Crystal Pepsi is shown.)
RIGHT NOW SOMEONE JUST GOT A TASTE OF THE FUTURE
(A picture of two bottles of Crystal Pepsi is shown.)
RIGHT NOW YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A TASTE LIKE THIS
"Right now… I'm gonna throw the hell up!" Sean cringed in disgust, all before grabbing the bucket and vomiting inside it in response. The puking lasted for several seconds before he finally put the bucket down and said to the camera, "Okay, now I feel good."
"Glad that you got that out of your system," Lucas said as he patted Sean in the back, "Screw the Crystal Pepsi."
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 2016 and 2018, they re-released it in Canada and in the United States for people who haven't tried it.
"And yes, I tried it for the first time back in 2016. Boy, what a big mistake like when I first tried Pepsi Fire. Fuck Crystal Pepsi and fuck Pepsi Fire." Sean said.
(TV static transitions to: Shaq Fu commercial)
Leader (Played by Christopher Neame): Shaquille O'Neal, aka Shaq!
"Oh, boy. Here we go." Sean said.
"Yeah. With something involved with Shaquille O'Neal has got to be good. Look at what he's brought us." Lucas said.
(A clip from the (I Know I Got) Skillz music video is shown)
Shaquille O'Neal: (Singing) You wanna fight? Come fight me. I'll hit ya with the "wa psh psh psh" see see.
(A clip from the movie Steel is shown)
John Henry Irons (Played by Shaquille O'Neal): I never could make the free-throws.
(A clip from the movie Kazaam is shown)
Kazaam (Played by Shaquille O'Neal): (While rapping) Let's green egg and ham it!
"Ugh! Never show that shit again." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.
"Well, aside from him rapping and acting in movies. He did bring us some commercials." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, Shaquille O'Neal is no stranger to being in commercials.
(Various commercials featuring Shaq is shown, starting with the Pepsi Big Slam commercial, he is seen drinking the bottle of Pepsi)
Announcer: The Big Slam from Pepsi. One ice cold liter of Pepsi big enough to handle the biggest thirst.
Shaq: Ain't life grand?
(Cut to an All Sport commercial, also featuring Shaq)
Announcer: All Sport. Unsurpassed taste with third more carbs than Gatorade per energy. This is a body quencher. After All Sport, the game will never be the same.
(The commercial ends with Shaq winking at the camera)
(Cut to another commercial, this time it's the Icy Hot Back Patch commercial)
Shaq: With strength. The strength of the new Icy Hot back patch. Relief that's strong enough for me.
(Cut to the Shaq Attaq toy commercial from 1993)
Singers: Shaq Attaq. I wanna play big like that!
Rapper: Here comes Power Playing Shaq. Jammin', slammin', on the attack.
"What the hell? That was a real thing?" Sean asked.
"Yep, that's right. And you want to know what else is real, they made a video game. And boy, did it suck ass." Lucas said.
Leader: This… is your target! (Laughs evily)
(Cut to footage of the video game Shaq Fu as the evil leader laughs maniacally)
Announcer: Introducing Shaq Fu.
"I see. It's the palette cleanser to Kazaam." Sean said.
(Footage of Shaq is shown on the wall by the evil leader)
Leader: Shaquille bounty hunter, enforcer of justice. Left hand! Right hand! Register- (Gasps)
Sean starts laughing a bit from the evil leader's reaction.
"Okay, what is up with that guy?" Lucas asked.
Leader: Enforcer of justice.../Register- (Gasp)
"Either he's ashamed of being on this commercial or he's having an orgasm." Sean said.
Leader: Register- (Gasp)
"This is Shaq… Fu! It is a fun… game! You should… play it! Oh, God! I just jizzed in my pants a little!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the leader from the commercial.
Lucas: (Narrating) Do these idiots know who they're dealing with? This is Shaquille fuckin' O'Neal we're talking about. This is the same guy who played a rapping genie. You think fighting a giant about the size of King Kong would be a great idea.
Leader: Lethal weapons! Right foot, left foot! Size 22! (Shudders)
"Alright, men. Let's be on the lookout for our fugitive. He's about the size of a mountain. He plays basketball and his foot size is a size 22!" Lucas yelled out.
Announcer: Introducing Shaq Fu. Kung fu, Shaq style.
"What the hell does that even mean? "Kung fu, Shaq style."?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Is it a special move which involves leftover copies of (Posters for the following movies) Blue Chips, Kazaam and Steel combined with (Image of Shaq drinking a bottle of Pepsi) Pepsi Big Slam and cans of (Image of Shaq using Gold Bond No-Mess powder spray) Gold Bond powder spray?
"I'm pretty sure that inquiring minds would like to know." Sean said.
"Either that or they're gonna have Shaq on Mortal Kombat 11 and that would be his fatal blow." Lucas said.
"Yeah. Imagine if him and Ridge Forrester from The Bold and the Beautiful on MK11 as additional fighters. Holy crap, I just had a thought. What would Ridge Forrester's fatal blow be?" Sean asked.
"I think we all know that it's gonna be him shouting out this line before beating the crap out of somebody." Lucas said.
(A clip from The Bold and the Beautiful play)
Ridge Forrester (Played by Ronn Moss): That's not gonna happen, Rick! It's not gonna happen!
"Okay, petition to have Ronn Moss as Ridge Forrester on Mortal Kombat 11. We need to make that happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This commercial is a load of fun. You have wide-angle closeups, some corny over-the-top acting and it's need to feel EXTREME!
Leader: Size 22!
"This is a classic commercial that is kung fu, Shaq style." Sean said.
Announcer: Kung fu, Shaq style.
(The evil leader laughs insanely as the camera focuses on the cover for this game)
Announcer: Sega Genesis and Super NES.
(The shot of Shaq appears in the corner)
Shaq: I nurture my skin.
(TV static transitions to: Progressive Insurance's "You're Not My Dad" commercial from 2017.)
(The commercial opens up to two teenagers playing a video game while their own mother is shown standing next to a ginger-haired man wearing a Progressive apron named Jamie.)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, what do you know, it's a commercial from the guys and girls from Progressive Insurance. Trust me, we all love them and the way they bring those enthusiastic charm to every commercial they appear in.
(Clips of various commercials start playing in a montage, mostly starring the company's spokesperson, Flo, played by Stephanie Courtney.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Mostly all of the Progressive commercials we've seen in the years starred the spokeswoman of Progressive Insurance, Flo, played by Stephanie Courtney. We've seen her in commercials where she's the star of her own 80's inspired sitcom, we've seen her on Maury, we've seen her run for Student Body president as a kid, heck, she was even in a commercial with Sonic The Freakin' Hedgehog. What more could you ever want from her?
(Clips of various commercials featuring Flo's sidekick Jamie, played by Jim Cashman)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, you have Flo's goofy sidekick, Jamie, played by Jim Cashman. What can we say about Jamie? He's one of those silliest characters that would leave an impression. And boy, does he leave an impression. We see him in a couple of commercials with Flo.
(A clip from the Progressive "Lactose" commercial is shown)
Flo (Played by Stephanie Courtney): Aren't you lactose intolerant.
Jamie (Played by Jim Cashman): This isn't lactose, it's milk.
"I love that commercial." Sean said, chuckling.
Lucas: (Narrating) And here's this classic nostalgic commercial and this is one of my favorite commercials and this one makes me laugh. It starts with two teens playing a video game and their mother introduces Jamie to them.
Mother: This is Jamie. You're going to see a lot more of him now.
Teen: I'm not calling him "Dad".
Mother: Oh. No, no, no.
(Jamie pulls up a chair and looks to the two teens themselves.)
Jamie: Look, I get it. Some new guy comes in, helping your mom bundle and save with Progressive.
"Well, that explains why Jamie was busy banging that kid's mom last night." Lucas nodded, "And let me tell you, I bet they bundled a lot in the bedroom."
"If they did, I think that mom's gonna need life insurance." Sean winked a bit naughtily.
Jamie: But hey, we're all in this together. *points to the teen* Right, champ?
(The teenager grabs his plate and gets off his chair.)
Teen: I'm getting more nuggets.
"While I'm at it, I'm getting Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII over to kill your ass because you bore the hell out of me, stranger." Lucas said, imitating the teen.
Jamie: How about some carrots? You don't wanna ruin your dinner.
Teen: *angrily to Jamie* YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
Jamie: *feeling disappointed* That's fair. Overstepped.
"You think?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "I bet you and that dude's mom must have that friends with benefits thing going on."
"Ah, yes. The kind of benefits that's regarding saving a lot of money on Progressive Insurance." Lucas nodded to the camera, "Plus, the benefits that Jamie has by boning that dude's mom and having that son of hers scarred for life."
Sean: (Narrating) I just love that line that the teenager says to Jamie.
Teen: YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
"This is like one of the best lines ever said in a commercial. Hell, just imagine Luke Skywalker saying that to Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back." Sean said.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): He told me enough! He told me you killed him.
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: (His dialogue is replaced by the teenager) YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Uh, what the hell are you talking about?
"Yeah, it would be way different." Sean said.
"No kidding," Lucas said as he sipped on his Coors Light before grabbing his remote, "Anyway, better change it before Jamie starts to bone our moms, and I find it kinda unsettling."
(TV static transitions to: Pepsi commercial featuring Hallie Kate Eisenberg and the voice of Joe Pesci from 1999)
(The commercial opens with a little girl, played by Hallie Kate Eisenberg, entering a diner with her grandfather as they walk up to the counter)
"Oh, hey. It's another Pepsi commercial. Man, how many cola commercials did we look at? Seems like we have a lot of cola commercials. And this one doesn't involve Crystal Pepsi." Sean said.
(A montage of Pepsi commercials featuring the little girl are being shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all probably remember these commercials that feature that adorable curly haired little girl from movies like Paulie and Bicentennial Man? Well, she appeared in a series of commercials from Pepsi as the little girl who asks for a Pepsi.
Little Girl (Played by Hallie Kate Eisenberg): A Pepsi, please.
Manager: Nah, we only got Coke.
Lucas: (Narrating) She asks for a Pepsi and the manager tells her that they only got Coke. And you have her either talking about freedom of choice or whether you have her singing and dancing like Aretha Franklin, racing against Jeff Gordon in Nascar or even have her on tour with Faith Hill.
Sean: (Narrating) But be careful. If you end up giving her Coca-Cola, this happens.
(The cook, played by Vincent Pastore, gives the little girl a glass of Coca-Cola)
Cook (Played by Vincent Pastore): Here you go, cupcake.
Little Girl: Thank you.
(She drinks the glass of soda and realizes that it's Coke as Godfather-like music plays)
Little Girl: (With Marlon Brando's voice) Hey, come here. I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. We both know I ordered a Pepsi cola and now you insulted me and my entire family.
"She goes all Godfather on your ass. That girl takes her Pepsi seriously." Lucas said.
"Yeah, I do not want to expect a horse's head in my bed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Take a look at this one, which is probably my favorite. It starts off with the little girl and her grandfather entering a diner.
Grandfather: How you doing, Sarge?
Manager: Okay, folks. What'll it be?
Grandfather: What would you like, sweetheart?
Little Girl: (Smiles) A Pepsi, please.
Manager: Sorry, we only have Coke.
Grandfather: Now you've done it.
"You just said the "C" word and now you're gonna get it." Sean said, imitating.
Little Girl: (With Joe Pesci's voice) You're sorry? Not half of sorry as you're gonna be. I ordered a Pepsi, pal.
Grandfather: She's got a mind of her own.
Little Girl: (With Joe Pesci's voice) What's with this guy?
"Holy shit, now she has the voice of Joe freakin' Pesci." Lucas laughed.
Manager: Look, I just thought…
Little Girl: (With Joe Pesci's voice) You thought? What you really thought is that I don't know the difference between Pepsi and a Coke, right?
(He gives her a can of Pepsi)
Man: Here's your Pepsi.
Little Girl: Thank you.
(The little girl sips her can of Pepsi with a straw)
Little Girl: Mmm.
Grandfather: Kids say the darndest things.
(The little girl turns to the two truckers)
Little Girl: (With Joe Pesci's voice) What are you lookin' at? (In a normal voice) I like this place.
"Hey, it's a good thing that she got her Pepsi. Can you imagine what would happen to the poor guy if he gave her a Coke." Sean said.
(A clip from Goodfellas is shown, featuring the character Tommy DeVito beats Billy Bats, then we cut to Tommy stabbing Billy to death in the woods while he's in the trunk of the car)
"Yeah. That wouldn't be a very pretty sight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the part where the busboy just runs out of the diner. He knew that somebody is gonna end up getting whacked and he didn't want to get killed.
"Hey, I would too if somebody ends up giving me a Coke instead of Pepsi." Sean said.
Taylor enters the living room and gives Sean a glass of cola.
"Here's your Pepsi, Sean." Taylor said as she hands the glass of soda over to Sean.
"Thanks, babe." Sean said as he takes a sip of his soda.
Sean: (With Ronn Moss' voice) What the hell is this? I asked for a Pepsi, not a Coke!
"I thought it was a Pepsi. It was an honest mistake." Taylor said.
Sean: (With Ronn Moss' voice) An honest mistake? You don't think I know the difference between Pepsi and a Coke?
"Look, you can still drink it. I'm sure it still tastes the same." Taylor said.
Sean glares at Taylor and all of a sudden, he picks up the glass of Coke and throws it against the wall, which ends up shocking Lucas.
Sean: (With Ronn Moss' voice) It's not gonna happen, Taylor! It's not gonna happen!
Lucas immediately grabs a can of Pepsi and hands it to Sean.
"Here, drink this." Lucas said as Sean sips the can of Pepsi.
"Mmm, thank you. Sorry about that outburst, Taylor. I know you made a mistake and don't worry, I'll clean up the mess." Sean said.
"Thank you, Lucas." Taylor said.
"You're welcome. You don't want him trying to murder you during the holidays." Lucas said.
"Let's move on to the next commercial." Sean said while he continues to sip his soda.
(TV static transitions to: Smokey The Bear "If You Knew It Was Me" PSA starring Joanna Cassidy from 1973.)
(The commercial begins with a close-up of a brunette, played by Joanna Cassidy.)
Woman (played by Joanna Cassidy): I know a place that's peaceful and quiet. A place where animals play.
"Ah, you showing me your bedroom?" Lucas smirked to the camera, "Because I'm known to be quite an animal in the sheets, if you know what I mean."
Woman: It's called the forest. But every year, we start forest fires.
"Yeah, my friend's not interested, miss." Sean shook his head.
"I agree, this is the worst kind of speed dating I've been a part of." Lucas nodded out of disinterest.
Woman: A careless match, a cigarette and poof. Fire. So the next time you're in the forest, be extra careful. Okay?
(The woman reaches behind the back of her head)
"Hey, looks like she's about to start taking her clothes off." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Nice, that's what I'm talking about!" Lucas said, rubbing his hand, "Let's see some hot cleavage, WOOOOOOOO!"
(The woman takes her face off, only to reveal Smokey The Bear right behind the disguise.)
Smokey The Bear: Hehehe, if you knew it was me, would you have listened?
Sean saw this and yelped, "Agh, an animatronic bear dressed as a chick!"
"Yeah, I totally don't like this date now." Lucas said, shaking his head in fear.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, you're kinda wondering why this looks like some speed dating thing, right? No, it's basically a pre-Blade Runner Joanna Cassidy in one of her many first appearances on TV. This one of course, is one of many public service announcements starring the big brown bastard with a bear suit and pants, Smokey The Bear.
(Clips of various Smokey The Bear PSA's start playing in a montage.)
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, you all remember Smokey The Bear in his public service announcements, telling everyone watching at home on how they can prevent forest fires. Yes, this big boy has spent a good 75 years spreading his forest fire-hating message to the world, and so far, what with the news has been going on, it hasn't gone very good.
"No shit, we've came this close to hitting on a bear dressed like a chick." Lucas nodded, "Thank goodness we dodged that bullet. I rather chug on a flat Crystal Pepsi then have sexual relations with a bear."
(A PSA entitled "America The Ugly" is shown featuring the entire continent of the United States of America made with matches. One of the matches fall from the screen and lands on the blue part of the match-filled continent, burning it in the process.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Here's another one from 1973 that shows our good country being burned alive by one of the matches that fall right from the screen. Oh, how accurate this now becomes 47 years from now.
"Because there are a lot of things that can definitely be worse than our country being lit on fire." Sean replied as a picture of COVID-19 popped up between him and Lucas.
Chorus: Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. For purple mountains' majesties, above the fruited plain…
(The rest of the continent starts to burn with the rest of the matches, lighting it on fire.)
Narrator: One careless second with a match, and America The Beautiful becomes America The Ugly. Please… help prevent forest fires.
(The Smokey The Bear logo then pops up on the screen while the Ad Council logo is shown with the words "A Public Service of This Station & The Advertising Council appearing on the bottom.)
"And hard to believe we'd thank our president for making America ugly again." Lucas said, referring to Donald Trump as a picture of the president appears in the middle, "Thanks for nothing, annoying Orange."
"And with that, we finally close out this little Commercials special for this year." Sean nodded out, "For all we've been through, we've seen a whole lot of Pepsi from left to right, a whole lotta seafood, a whole lot of Urkel, and not to mention a whole lotta fire. Let me tell ya, 2021 is gonna be the year that changes things around."
Lucas then shook his head before saying, "Let's be honest, it's gonna suck again."
"Yeah, that's true." Sean nodded, "So for everyone involved, I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic and this right here is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. Right now, let's see what Chad and his whining are up to now."
The camera then cuts right to the Up All Knight set where Chad is busy sitting on his chair in a very bored manner.
"Well, about damn time you're finished." Chad groaned, "I swear, I was waiting so long that I was gonna get a gun to kill the both of you."
"Yeah, I don't think so." Sean shook his head.
But before Chad could say anything, he was cut off by the sound of a door knocking back and forth, therefore catching Chad's attention.
"Well, what do you know, your gift just arrived in time." Lucas smirked to Chad via satellite, "Go get it, Nad."
Chad immediately exchanged a death glare at the two of them before heading toward the door and getting the package from the mail carrier himself. He then took the package and set it on top of his table, getting ready to open the entire thing.
"You know, you're lucky we're in the holiday season and all." Chad chuckled to both Sean and Lucas as he was busy unwrapping his present, "And luckily for you, I can be forgiven man at times. So whatever you two have for me, I'm pretty sure I'm bound to like…"
However, he was then cut off when Chad suddenly looked down at the title of the DVD he suddenly unwrapped:
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII
Chad then looked down with shock before looking up at both Sean and Lucas shouting angrily, "You son of a bit-"
And then, his camera feed gets cut off, fading to black by the end of the episode.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - You're not my dad!
Man, was this such a pain to do. Unfortunately, because of the long wait of this one, I won't have enough time to pull out a full Christmas month for the Mayhem Critic. But you know what? It's no problem, we're still gonna celebrate Christmas anyway as we go for a mini Christmas month here for the Mayhem Critic, starting off first with the Top 12 Christmas Commercials! And then after that, me and Lucas will take a look at the special Married… With Children Christmas episode from Season 2, "You Better Watch Out". And then, after that's over and done with, me, Lucas and one pissed-off Chad Knight will be crossing over to Up All Knight to review the B-Movie to end all B-Movies, the 1987 classic Hard Ticket To Hawaii! What a month that will be. Anyway, you know what to do. Like, comment and subscribe! Later, my friends!