The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, readers. I am the great James Stryker and I am bringing you another hilarious and great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean reviewed Roger Moore's final outing as James Bond in A View to a Kill. Today, Sean takes a look at the 1989 thriller-comedy The January Man, a movie that can't take itself seriously to be a thriller and why these two categories shouldn't mix. So sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The January Man is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
Episode 111
The January Man
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, but instead of him sitting on his couch in his living room, he is nowhere to be seen. A few seconds later, he picks himself up, almost delirious.
"Just do yourself a favor and go. Just go. Just go back and read something else. Really. You don't want to stay for this. You won't survive it. I almost died from watching this movie." Sean said, laughing before snapping in anger. "This movie is STUPID! It's stupid! THIS IS THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT YOU WOULD BE TUNING IN TO! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about a movie simply known as The January Man.
(The title screen for the movie is shown while the song "I Know the Feeling" performed by Juanita plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) The January Man was released in theaters on January 13, 1989. The movie is billed as a mix of suspense and comedy. This film does a terrible job at it. The film was directed by Irish director Pat O'Connor and it stars Kevin Kline, Susan Sarandon, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Harvey Keitel, Danny Aiello, Rod Steiger and Alan Rickman…
"Wait, what? Kevin Kline, Susan Sarandon. Why are these good actors in a bad movie? What's next are you trying to tell me that the writer and the director of Moonstruck are involved with this movie?" Sean asked.
(We see a photo of Norman Jewison, the movie's producer and John Patrick Shanley, the writer of the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) OH, COME ON! Not Norman Jewison. He's a great director and he just finished Moonstruck, a movie that won three Academy Awards for Best Actress, Best Original Screenplay and Best Supporting Actress. And the writer of Moonstruck, John Patrick Shanley, won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.
"Joe Versus the Volcano and We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story sounds good right about now, huh Shanley?" Sean asked.
(A picture of the movie's composer Marvin Hamlisch is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) And the music is composed by Academy Award-winning composer Marvin Hamlisch, who just finished composing music for the 1988 movie Little Nikita, a better thriller that I should be watching.
"Let's see if this movie is worth watching or not. This is The January Man." Sean said.
(The movie opens on New Year's Eve of 1988)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the movie opens up on New Year's Eve, probably 1988, as everybody gets ready to ring in the new year. We see the mayor's daughter Bernadette, played by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, and her friend Alison Hawkins, played by Faye Grant, enjoying some of the evening's festivities before heading home.
Alison Hawkins (Played by Faye Grant): (Singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot.
Bernadette Flynn (Played by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio): No. No. I would never forget you.
Alison Hawkins: I'll never forget you.
Bernadette Flynn: (Let's go of Alison's hand) Bullshit.
Alison Hawkins: After you…
"Wow, getting drunk and taking a cab. That's partying on New Year's Eve in New York, for ya." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bernadette and Alison arrive at Alison's apartment and the two of them say their good-byes before Bernadette heads home. Then, a drunk Alison enters her apartment to feed her fish.
Alison Hawkins: (To her fish) Oh, hello. Ten-hut! Line up! Hello, Pepino. Hello, little Lord Byron. Come here. Come here and lay one on me.
(A mysterious intruder comes up from behind Alison and strangles her to death with a blue ribbon)
"Jesus Christ!" Sean exclaimed.
(We see the ball getting ready to drop, then cut to Alison getting strangled)
"Man, this movie got dark real fast." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) An undetected killer murders Alison, making this the latest murder by the serial killer known as the January Man, who has been terrorizing the city for eleven months. Mayor Eamon Flynn, played by Rod Steiger, is frustrated with the lack of progress in the case and freaks out about his daughter's safety to the NYPD commissioner Frank Starkey, played by Harvey Keitel.
Mayor Eamon Flynn (Played by Rod Steiger): See, I don't care anymore. I don't care what makes sense anymore. I don't give a rusty fuck if they boot me down the City Hall steps and send me back to the Bronx. We gotta get this guy.
Commissioner Frank Starkey (Played by Harvey Keitel): Everything that can be done is being done.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: My daughter was with her last night. It was my daughter, my child. It could have been her. This is not politics anymore.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Everything's politics!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: The hell it is! I can't even sleep.
"Well, I can't even sleep because of you two having a shouting match with each other. Would you mind keeping it down, please?" Sean asked.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: Get me your brother, and get him now, and get him before you go to the ballet, Frank.
Sean: (Narrating) Mayor Flynn tells Frank to get his brother, who's a former detective, to bring him in on a case. Nick Starkey, played by Kevin Kline, is a fireman now and Frank sees his brother and him being a hero when he saves a little girl's life. After that, Frank asks Nick to rejoin the police force but the two of them aren't getting along with each other because of something that got Nick fired from the force.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: I've come to take you away from all this and make you a big shot.
Lt. Nick Starkey (Played by Kevin Kline): I never wanted to be a big shot, Frank. That's your thing. You must be up shit's creek to be here talking to me.
(Frank chuckles)
Commissioner Frank Starkey: The mayor knows you're good at this kind of thing.
Lt. Nick Starkey: You must be out of your mind with amnesia to be here talkin' to me.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Now calm down, Nick.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I'm a fireman!
Commissioner Frank Starkey: We're goin' to reinstate you.
(Nick groans)
Lt. Nick Starkey: I'm a fireman now!
Commissioner Frank Starkey: We're gonna take all the heat we have to from the press.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I run into these fucking buildings when they are on fire!
"I did A Fish Called Wanda and won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor while you were nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Supporting Actor as Judas in Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Nick.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick eventually agrees to come back to the force, but on one condition and we'll get to that later. Meanwhile, we see Frank's wife Christine, played by Susan Sarandon, sitting at the ballet while waiting for her husband to show up. And he finally does during intermission.
Christine Starkey (Played by Susan Sarandon): I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: I had to go, um… I had to talk to Nick. He's going to be reinstated in the department, and he's going to be the new special investigator.
Christine Starkey: How is he? Oh, did he agree?
Commissioner Frank Starkey: You look flushed.
Christine Starkey: The dance was very stirring.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Usually you're bored.
"Being married to you, yeah, she should be bored. Because you're not either Chris Sarandon or Tim Robbins." Sean said, mentioning Susan Sarandon's ex-husbands.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Nick heads to his apartment only to find his painter friend Ed, played by Alan "I was Hans Gruber" Rickman, doing a nude painting of a naked woman and a kitten. Oooooooookay.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Ed, why didn't you use your apartment?
Ed (Played by Alan Rickman): You got the light.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Look, uh, I'm making dinner tonight. Can I borrow my table?
Ed: (Smiles) Sure. (To the woman) Just languish there, darling. Don't molest anything.
Sean: (V/O as Ed) And do not touch my detonators.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Ed… You want a job?
Ed: What's a job?
Lt. Nick Starkey: Work, for money?
Ed: Money?
Lt. Nick Starkey: Yeah. Do you remember money?
Ed: Yeah, I remember it.
"Well, of course he remembers money. He once blew up a skyscraper to steal money from the vault. And look how that turned out." Sean said.
(A clip from Die Hard plays, showing Hans Gruber falling to his death)
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Mayor Flynn is talking to Frank on having a press conference about Nick's return because he's the right man for the job. But some people aren't happy about his return, people like Captain Vincent Alcoa, played by Danny Aiello.
Captain Vincent Alcoa (Played by Danny Aiello): Nick Starkey is not a policeman!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: And his record shows otherwise.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: He don't belong in the department!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: That's for me to say!
Captain Vincent Alcoa: He's a... he's a... he's like a... HE'S A FUCKING BEATNIK! He's got a beatnik mentality!
"And this guy has a tendency to overact when he comes in. Man, Hudson Hawk is looking good right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of overacting, we get one of the most hilarious rants in movie history.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Well, sure, sure, seems funny down here and now but it don't seem so fucking funny in the middle of a murder case when you've seen those girls dead!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: Who do you think you're talking to? JESUS CHRIST! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?! YOU THINK I'M YOUR WIFE? YOU WANNA FUCK ME? WELL, DON'T MESS WITH ME! YOU MESS WITH ME AND YOU BETTER HAVE A GODDAMN SENSE OF HUMOR THE SIZE OF LAKE MICHIGAN TO FIND SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT. AND IF I SEND YOU A RUBBER DUCK TO WORK WITH THAT IS THE NEWS! CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! OH! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
We cut back to Sean, who starts laughing from Mayor Flynn's rant.
"Rod Steiger, ladies and gentlemen. He went from playing such classic characters as Al Capone, Victor Ipolitovich Komarovsky in Doctor Zhivago, Bill Gillespie in Norman Jewison's In the Heat of the Night and Father Delaney in The Amityville Horror to playing loud, overacting characters like Mayor Eamon Flynn in this movie that I'm reviewing and General Decker in Tim Burton's Mars Attacks!. Also, that rant from him is hilarious and worth watching." Sean said.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: So you get out of here, and you be a good boy. And if Nick reports to you, you treat him like a god. Do you understand that? Can you understand that?
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: And if he wants anything, you give it to him. If he wants your wallet, you give it to him.
"If he wants your donut, you give it to him. If he wants to play your PlayStation 5, you let him play it. If he wants to write a naughty fanfic about Sam and Stacey from The Babysitter's Club or a Bunk'd/American Housewife crossover involving Taylor and Emma, Xander and Taylor or Xander, Emma and Taylor, then you let him write it. Am I making myself clear?" Sean asked, imitating Mayor Flynn.
Sean: (Narrating) So after ripping Captain Alcoa a new asshole, Mayor Flynn asks Frank if Nick agreed without at fuss. But Frank says "no" and you remember when Nick told Frank that he'll return to the force on one condition, well…
Commissioner Frank Starkey: I let him cook dinner for my wife tonight.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: Okay.
"Yeah, Frank offered to let Nick cook dinner for his wife. Man, I remember the time that Brian's brother Adam let me cook dinner for his wife Lexi and look how it turned out." Sean said.
"You ended up burning the lasagna." Taylor said.
"It was an accident, Taylor!" Sean yelled out.
"You almost burned the house down." Taylor said.
"Shut up, blondie!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Nick, who is busy cooking dinner for Christine as she comes over to have dinner with him. So as she makes herself at home, she takes a look at some things around his apartment and comes across some stuff.
(Christine grabs some books from off of the bookshelf as some pictures fall on the floor)
Christine Starkey: Oh shit.
(Christine picks up the photos of her and Nick together)
"The reason why things are awkward between the two of them is because that Christine is Nick's ex-girlfriend and she ended up marrying his brother." Sean said.
(A clip from Castle is shown)
Richard Castle (Played by Nathan Fillion): That was awkward.
Sean: (Narrating) Suspecting that she might fall in love with her ex again, Christine tries to skip out on dinner and refused advances from Nick.
Christine Starkey: Why did you make me come here?
Lt. Nick Starkey: I wanted to make you dinner.
Christine Starkey: You always make me things that I hate!
Lt. Nick Starkey: I try to. Shh, listen.
Christine Starkey: What?
Lt. Nick Starkey: The wine. It's breathing.
(Nick lowers his head down to listen to the wine breathing)
"Wait, wine breathes. Hold on." Sean said as he grabs a bottle of Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon to listen to it breathe, but instead he doesn't hear anything. "Yeah, here's the thing about wine, wine doesn't breathe, you fucking idiot! How can wine breathe? IT DOESN'T BREATHE!"
Sean: (Narrating) After Christine mocks Nick's taste in wine, it's time for dinner as Nick treats her to a nice lovely octopus meal with a side salad and marinated eggplant.
(Nick eats as he watches Christine trying to eat. He then sips his wine)
Sean: (V/O as Pat O'Connor) Can somebody please tell Kevin Kline to shave off his Super Mario mustache? I can't take him seriously with it.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Nick and Christine start talking a bit and Christine asks him if he's still mad at Frank for betraying him because he needed a fall guy.
Lt. Nick Starkey: How should I feel about that?
Christine Starkey: I guess you should be mad.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Then that's what I am. I'm mad. Anything else that I should be mad about?
Christine Starkey: Yes.
Lt. Nick Starkey: What?
Christine Starkey: Me.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Right. I should be mad about you and that is my fucking curse.
"I can't believe that you were naked for James Spader in White Palace instead of me!" Sean said, imitating Nick and referring to one of Susan Sarandon's movies.
Sean: (Narrating) Christine tries to leave but Nick stops her and tries to rekindle his old romance with her.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Chris. Haven't you missed me?
Christine Starkey: Please don't.
Lt. Nick Starkey: When you close your eyes, don't you see my face?
"No. She only sees Tim Robbins' face. Or my face." Sean said.
"She's too old for you!" Taylor yelled out.
"She's in her seventies and she's still attractive like Melody Perkins." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: How do you make love to him after me?
(Christine stays silent)
Lt. Nick Starkey: How do you get wet? Do you think about the money?
(Christine slaps Nick in the face three times)
"Uh... at least say ow!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (V/O as Nick) Ow. Ow. Ow, stop that.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Nick begins to mention a canceled check that he saw on the table that was made out to his brother Frank, which pisses off Christine. The next day, Mayor Flynn is holding a press conference about Nick returning to the police force and him being the perfect man for the job. Then, Captain Alcoa has a request to Uncle Buck's friend.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: When Lieutenant Starkey reports, keep him away from me. Give him Olson's old office.
Cone (Played by Brian Tarantina): Lieutenant Starkey's already reported, sir.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: He has?
Cone: Yes, sir… and he didn't like Olson's old office, so he took the big one down at the end of the hall.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: He doesn't like Olson's office?
Cone: He said the light was no good.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: What light?
Cone: You know, sir. The sunlight.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Sunlight? What's he need sunlight for?
Cone: For Ed.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: For Ed?
Cone: Yes, sir.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: (Looks confused) Who's Ed?
Cone: The painter.
"Who the hell do you think he was talking about? A plant named Ed, or Ed from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy is shown)
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): Buttered toast.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Alcoa goes to see Nick in his office, only to find…
(Captain Alcoa finds Nick sitting by a window with his parrot and kitten while sipping on an espresso)
"Yeah, I'm speechless as well. I'm just wondering what the hell is going on." Sean said.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Do I hear crickets?
Ed: Yeah. It's a tape. Isn't it great?
"Wait, I hear something. That is the sound of crickets. And you want to know why? Because that joke is not funny." Sean said as he hears the sound of crickets chirping.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick tells Captain Alcoa that he wants all reports, photos, news accounts, background of any kind on every one of the murders and for him to put Ed on the payroll as his assistant and an NEC computer. And then Nick heads down to Allison's funeral, where he finds a grieving Bernadette there and he follows her to an ice skating rink in Central Park and makes a complete fool out of himself.
(We see Nick trying to skate on the ice and try not to fall. He ends up bumping into one of the skaters and falls on the ice)
"Remember when Kevin Kline was hilarious on A Fish Called Wanda?" Sean asked.
(A montage of clips featuring Kevin Kline as Otto in A Fish Called Wanda is shown)
Otto (Played by Kevin Kline): Don't call me stupid./Asshole!/I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine!/Oh, I'm so very, very, very ssssssssssss… FUCK YOU!/I'm, uh, Harvey. Manfred… jen… sen… den.
(Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe)
Wanda (Played by Jamie Lee Curtis): What are you doing?
Otto: I'm thinking!
"Yeah, at least he won an Oscar for his performance. He was the best part about this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Nick treats Bernadette to some hot chocolate and he questions her about her friend Allison before things start to get personal.
Bernadette Flynn: We didn't really say anything to one another. It was like most conversations, I guess… except it happened to be her last. And then today… that funeral… I just kept thinking… how much of life is wasted. I mean, we're sitting here, we're talking to each other. I mean, shouldn't we be really talking to each other?
Lt. Nick Starkey: All right. All right. I saw my brother's wife Christine last night, and she and I were an item at one time and so it was a very painful evening. And uh, and now today, I see you and I find you very attractive. And I'm feeling vulnerable because of last night and so my feeling is my instinct as a man is I-I don't want to ask you a lot of pushy questions because I want you to like me. In fact, how real do you want this conversation to get?
"What I'm trying to say to you is that I wanna bite that nice, juicy booty of yours." Sean said, imitating Nick.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, things get personal between Nick and Bernadette, and I mean really personal as the two of them head down to a hotel and they start having sex.
(The song "Call Me Maybe" starts playing while Nick and Bernadette are having sex)
"Mother…" Sean said as he immediately pulls out his double barreled shotgun and shoots the radio to stop the song from playing. "There. It's about time that this joke would just die."
Lt. Nick Starkey: (Panting) Just exactly how old are you?
Bernadette Flynn: 23.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Oh, God!
"Really? You're 23 years old? Well, according to your IMDB page, you were 30 years old at the time the movie was released." Sean said as Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio's IMDB page is shown with the year she was born.
Lt. Nick Starkey: 23 years old.
Bernadette Flynn: So what?
Lt. Nick Starkey: And look- you're on top.
(Bernadette smiles at him)
"Well, of course. I love it when Taylor is on top every time during sex when she's in the cowgirl position or reverse cowgirl position." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their little boinking session, Nick and Bernadette leave the hotel and they head on down to Allison's apartment to check it out, which make Bernadette a little unsafe.
Bernadette Flynn: Everybody knows where I live. I keep having these nightmares last night. I mean, I know my house is safe, supposedly, but it's giving me the creeps. Everybody knows where I live.
"Especially your brother." Sean said, referencing the movie Scarface.
(We cut to a clip from Scarface, where we see Gina witnessing Tony murdering Manny in cold blood)
Sean: (Narrating) With Bernadette feeling unsafe at her home because of everybody knowing where she lives, Nick decides to let her stay at his apartment. Then, the two of them head back to the precinct, where they find a bored Ed playing around with the computer.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Ed, why are you still here?
Ed: I'm just trying to get the hang of this.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Well, go home. This is… Bernadette. Bernadette, this is Ed. He lives in my building. She's gonna stay in my place tonight, so would you show her in?
Ed: Sure.
Bernadette Flynn: Hi, Ed.
Ed: Hi.
"Uh, are you sure that this is a good idea to have him take her to your apartment. You know what's gonna happen when they're together, he's gonna arrange a force marriage on her." Sean said, referring to the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Ed and Bernadette leave for Nick's apartment, Nick heads to room 202 to look at the reports, background and victims of the murders to figure something out. And the next morning, Nick and Frank take a walk and have a little chat about what Nick has figured out.
Lt. Nick Starkey: This guy, whoever he is, he's fabulous with locks. In seven of these cases, the guy picked the lock. Some of these locks were supposed to be unpickable.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: What else?
Lt. Nick Starkey: He's not just smart with locks. He's just smart, very bright in a useless kind of way and cracked as an old teacup. You don't get away pulling eleven separate murders unless you've got a brain like a Swiss watch. You don't murder eleven women unless you're plain fucking crazy.
"Well, the guy's gotta have a reason to murder eleven women. What's his motive? He's gotta have a motive." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: This man has a lot of anger towards women.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: That's fucking brilliant.
"I guess you guys are dealing with Chris Brown?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Nick points out that the reason why this man has a lot of anger towards women and why he's killing them is because of his mother and the blue ribbon is an interesting touch because the blue ribbon is something that the mother rewarded him with something that strangled him. So, I guess he's dealing with Norman Bates, without the cross-dressing and multiple personalities. And then he gets the biggest clue when Nick sees a meat truck passing by.
Lt. Nick Starkey: (Sees the meat truck driving by and sees the word "Prime") "Prime cut." Prime!
Commissioner Frank Starkey: What are you talking about?
Lt. Nick Starkey: I'm about to know when he's going to kill the next girl.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: When?
Lt. Nick Starkey: I'll call you in an hour when I got it figured. Listen, Frank. You and me, we got something in common with the murderer.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: We do? Maybe you do.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Just like him, we've got a mother.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Don't go comparing our mother to his.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Just like his mother, our mother had an affect on us.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Don't say a goddamn word about our mother!
"I swear to God, if you say one more word about our mother, I will rip that moustache off your fuckin' face!" Sean yelled out, imitating Frank.
Lt. Nick Starkey: You see? She's dead, and we're still fighting over her. She had a big effect.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Get back to talking about the case.
Lt. Nick Starkey: It's like with your wife.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Don't bring my wife into this! I'm warning you.
"What the hell are you gonna do to him, go all gangster on his ass? Come on, Keitel. This isn't a Scorsese movie." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Frank, I got one thing to say to you and it's hard but I gotta say it. And if you can accept it, a lot of other shit's gonna fall into place. Frank, Mom loved me more than you. That's why I took the fall for you, Frank.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: I wish you'd just fucking die.
"Well, damn. Some much for brotherly love. I'm just glad that I'm an only child so won't have somebody to bicker with." Sean said.
"What is this, the Smothers' Brothers?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Nick's apartment Bernadette is busy chillin' while listening to music until Christine shows up with a bottle of wine to give to Nick.
Bernadette Flynn: Hello.
Christine Starkey: Hello. Bernadette, isn't it?
Bernadette Flynn: Yes, yes. Mrs. Starkey.
Christine Starkey: I think we met at the mayor's birthday party and at the opera, also, I think.
Bernadette Flynn: And now here.
Christine Starkey: And now here.
"Okay, this is gonna be awkward. You have Nick's ex-girlfriend and his current girlf…, I mean, fuck buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about that, we check back with Nick, who is busy working on the case until Cone shows up to talk to him.
Lt. Nick Starkey: (To Cone) You know what a prime number is?
Cone: Any number… What is it?
"That's easy. A prime number is any number that can only be divided by one and itself." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Any number that can only be divided by one and itself.
"I just said that, you son of a bitch." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: There are twelve prime numbers possible out of 31 days. These are the dates of the murders.
(Cone looks at the dates of the murders listed on the computer)
Cone: Wow.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Eleven prime numbers.
"Uh, yeah. I would just like to point out that 1 is not a prime number." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with five being the twelfth prime number, Nick deduces that the killer will strike next tomorrow night. So, he goes down to Captain Alcoa's office to ask for his cooperation with this case.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Fuck you!
"Or just be a complete asshole towards him." Sean said.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: I don't work for you. You work for me. You think you can come in my office, stand in my face and tell me the news like I'm some monkey-do lieutenant? Fuck you! You are not a policeman! I am a fucking policeman! Get it, you dilettante fuck? No matter what the mayor says!
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus, what the hell is this guy's problem. All he asked was some cooperation and some backup and then he becomes this cliched police captain who just yells all the time. And question: what's with the people yelling in this movie?
(A montage of some of the characters yelling are shown)
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Everything's politics!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: The hell it is!
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Nick Starkey is no policeman!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: JESUS CHRIST! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?!
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Don't you say a goddamn word about our mother!/Don't bring my wife into this!
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Fuck you! You are not a policeman! I am a fucking policeman! Get it, you dilettante fuck? No matter what the mayor says!
"Look guys, you're going over the top with the yelling. I guess I should do my reviews by YELLING IN EVERY SENTENCE!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick tells Alcoa that the killer will strike tomorrow, maybe for the last time. But he doesn't know where. But enough about the case, we cut to Christine, who's having dinner with Mayor Flynn and Frank and Mayor Flynn wants all the details about her dinner with Nick and see if he talked to anyone about a certain scandal that happened two years back.
Christine Starkey: He thinks there's a check.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: A check?
Christine Starkey: A canceled check made out to you, Frank.
(Frank looks at Christine, then looks at Mayor Flynn)
Mayor Eamon Flynn: From who?
Christine Flynn: Well, it would be a crooked road, Eamon, but I think it would be traced back to you.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Does Nick have this check?
Christine Starkey: No. I don't even think he's looking for it.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: You don't?
Christine Starkey: No, I don't think so. I think he's much more interested right now in fucking your daughter.
(Frank looks at Christine)
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Freddie Benson (Played by Nathan Kress): You got a big mouth, lady!
Mayor Eamon Flynn: What are you talking about?
Christine Starkey: You don't understand what I'm saying? I'm sorry. Picture it. Just… Well. Look at your cigar and think of your daughter.
"Yeah. Imagine that cigar being in your daughter's mouth and her sucking it over and over and over. And by "cigar", I'm talking about Nick's…" Sean said.
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is shown)
Professor Severus Snape (Played by Alan Rickman): Silence!
"Yah! Sorry." Sean said.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: What are you doing?
Christine Starkey: I'm checking into a hotel, Frank, and out of the whorehouse.
"Geez, I don't know who's more savage. Either Sam Puckett, Jade West or Christine Starkey." Sean said. "Who am I kidding? Sam Puckett will always have the most savage moments."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Nick is figuring out where the killer will strike next for the last time, before we cut to another woman who's heading to her apartment and getting ready to go to be while listening to some Opera music.
"Oh, let me guess. The killer is gonna strangle her, right? Am I correct?" Sean asked.
(The killer begins to strangle his next victim to death)
"What a surprise." Sean said, sounding bored and speaking in a deadpan tone.
Sean: (Narrating) So after the killer kills his last victim, he smokes a cigarette and makes his grand escape.
(The killer runs and jumps out of the window while the Goofy Holler plays right when he jumps out and crashes through the awning of the apartment)
"Or just kill himself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Nick and Captain Alcoa arrive on the scene to find the killer dead. Then Mayor Flynn and Frank arrive on the scene as well as Bernadette and Ed and Mayor Flynn is not surprised to see his daughter there.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: What the hell are you doing here? And what are you doing- Never mind. I heard. I heard. We'll talk about it later. You just get out of here before they take your picture.
Bernadette Flynn: What's the matter with you?
Mayor Eamon Flynn: Would you do what I say?! You get out of here. Don't become a liability, little girl.
"Yeah, looks like he's not happy about what he's heard about what happened between her and Nick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the killer is dead and the case is closed.
"Well, movie's over. Roll…" Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I don't think this is the man.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Sean yelled out.
Mayor Eamon Flynn: What? He strangled a woman. He's got the ribbon in his hand. What the hell are you talking about?
Lt. Nick Starkey: Why'd he kill himself?
Mayor Eamon Flynn: How the fuck do I know?
"Maybe he just wanted out of this picture." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Nick finds out that there's something fishy about this case. You know, Nick is the intelligent one and the mayor, his brother and the cops are a bunch of idiots. So anyway, Nick goes home to mope around and get drunk, until he sees Bernadette sitting in his living room, so she decides to talk to him and see what's wrong.
Bernadette Flynn: Can I help you?
Lt. Nick Starkey: You! You're the mayor's daughter! I could do a number on him, but I wouldn't bother.
Bernadette Flynn: What are you talking about?
(Nick throws his pack of cigarettes on his desk)
Lt. Nick Starkey: Don't you get it? This wasn't it. That wasn't him.
Bernadette Flynn: Then who was that?
Lt. Nick Starkey: Some guy. Some other crazy! And tomorrow night, while your father and my brother and all the other slobs who only care about the way it looks and don't give a shit about how it actually is, while they're all slapping themselves on the back, the January Man…
"Boom! Title drop." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: ...is going to get his January Girl.
Sean: (Narrating) Bernadette tells Nick to solve it, despite him being fired. And then she gives him some words of encouragement.
Bernadette Flynn: Nick, I woke up here today. I saw how you live. I see what you like around you. I understand you want to run away from these people. I understand.
Lt. Nick Starkey: It's their responsibility.
Bernadette Flynn: No. They don't know what that means.
Lt. Nick Starkey: (Sighs) I'm tired.
Bernadette Flynn: I know. I know you are. So we're going to go to bed, Ok? (Kisses Nick) And then we'll sleep. And then tomorrow, after a good breakfast you're going to catch the killer and save the girl. Ok?
Lt. Nick Starkey: Ok.
"And don't worry, Nick. In three years, you're going to be with the same girl in a little movie that also stars Kevin Spacey. An underrated thriller in which Kevin Kline and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio played husband and wife. And of course I'm talking about the 1992 thriller called Consenting Adults. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. A movie about wife swapping and murder. Check out Siskel & Ebert's review of the movie and I'm siding on Ebert on this one. It's a good thriller, screw you Siskel for hating on the movie. Expect a future review from me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they go to bed, Nick gets another clue involving the stars and constellations and all that crap. So, the next day he goes down to the precinct to talk to Alcoa to tell him that it wasn't the real killer but Alcoa just brushes it off by saying that it was the killer.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: The commissioner called me himself to say the case is closed. He made it clear that I should give you abuse, shit work… so you'd resign. I don't think he even wants you in the fire department.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Why are you telling me this?
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Because I don't like you. There's no place for you here.
"ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Sean yelled out, imitating Otto from A Fish Called Wanda.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Alcoa is not much of an asshole like Nick's brother, he tells Nick that he respects him. So, Nick tells him that he needs a backup team and maybe a decoy, in which he agrees. So, back at Nick's apartment, Nick and Ed make a protective neck brace for Bernadette so she can be the decoy for the killer and as they head down to the precinct, we get to see Ed use some handy dandy 80s computer work on the computer, figuring out that the position of the victim's buildings when seen on a map of New York, forms the constellation Virgoand finding out where the killer will strike next. And that clue involves music.
Lt. Nick Starkey: There's seven notes in a row. It goes…
(Nick and Bernadette start humming)
"Uh, is it the theme from iCarly?" Sean asked.
Lt. Nick Starkey: What's that?
Bernadette Flynn: No, I just made it up.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Seven notes in a row…
(Nick and Bernadette start humming once more while pointing at the musical notes)
"Is it Elecman's theme from Mega Man?" Sean asked.
(Nick and Bernadette continue to hum the song)
Bernadette Flynn: What is that?
"Another Part of Me by Michael Jackson. How the hell should I know?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick and Bernadette figure out the song and they learn where the killer is going to strike next after correlating to eleven notes in the chorus of the song "Calendar Girl", so the three of them head down to the apartment and find the apartment number where the woman stays at. So, they go on full stakeout mode in the janitor's closet. And while they're waiting and watching the door, you gotta have a good stakeout snack.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Ed, what's for dinner?
(Ed opens a bag and pulls out a can of Pringles potato crisps, followed by a bag of donuts from Dunkin' Donuts, a bottle of wine, three wine glasses and a cake box and hands it to Nick)
Lt. Nick Starkey: Nothing edible?
"Hey, I got some great snacks for a stakeout. I got a can of mesquite barbecue Lays Stax, some vanilla ice cream, my six-pack of Coors Banquet the banquet of beers, I got my Harley-Davidson bar and shield pilsner, I ordered a Philly cheesesteak from Penn Station in my Doordash app and I got myself a slice of cherry cheesecake. The perfect stakeout meal for me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So while they take the time to stakeout the area, Nick, Bernadette and Ed sees the killer breaking into the apartment so he can strike at his next victim. They then intercept the apartment's resident and grab her and they send Bernadette in in her place.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Now listen… you open the door, you close the door. You start to take off your coat. As soon as you feel that ribbon, you start screaming. Be a piece of cake.
"Mmm, cake." Sean said, imitating Homer Simpson.
Bernadette Flynn: And what's the next part again?
Lt. Nick Starkey: I save you.
Bernadette Flynn: (Chuckles) Don't forget that part. Now, if I close the door behind me, how are you getting in?
(Nick picks up a sledgehammer)
Lt. Nick Starkey: Sledgehammer
Bernadette Flynn: I thought you were supposed to shoot the lock off with a gun.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I don't have a gun.
Bernadette Flynn: You don't?
"Yeah, what kind of cop doesn't carry a gun? It's like if Dirty Harry carrying around a banana instead of his .44 magnum." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Bernadette enters the apartment and she is attacked by the killer. And we do get a hilarious moment in which Nick tries to break the door down with a sledgehammer and fails miserably. But luckily, Bernadette knows how to defend herself and Nick finally breaks the door down to arrest the killer.
Lt. Nick Starkey: My name is Lieutenant Nicholas Starkey. (Pulls out his badge) You… are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent-
(The killer tackles Nick out of the apartment as Ed runs out of the supply room to grab the killer, then the killer punches Ed in the stomach)
Sean: (Narrating) So Nick goes after the killer in a pretty hilarious fight scene while Bernadette calls Alcoa to tell him that the killer, his reaction…
Captain Vincent Alcoa: What? What?/(Walks out of his office) Get backup, get the commissioner, get three squad cars and tell them to get to this address. And tell them to get the fuck there! Nick's going at it with the strangler.
Cone: I thought the strangler was dead.
Captain Vincent Alcoa: So did I! And get me a car and get me the fuck there! Get the fuck out of my way!
"It's just Danny Aiello doing what he does best. Yelling his fucking head off. Hell, he can do more yelling in Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing." Sean said.
(A clip from Do the Right Thing is shown)
Sal (Played by Danny Aiello): (Grabs the baseball bat) You black (beep)! I'll fucking tear your fucking (beep) ass!
"Whoa! Until his character dropped the N-word in a room filled with black people. Jesus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Ed and Bernadette try to catch up with Nick, Nick is busy fighting with the killer and he's doing a piss poor job at trying to apprehend him.
(The killer kicks Nick in the face)
Lt. Nick Starkey: Listen. Stop kicking me. I hate that.
(The killer kicks Nick in the face once more)
Lt. Nick Starkey: I told you to stop that. You're not getting away. Why don't you just fucking accept it?
(The killer kicks Nick in the face the third time)
Lt. Nick Starkey: I hate this job.
"And there you go. You got the line for the trailer." Sean said.
(The trailer for the movie is show, featuring the title of the movie and it's tagline: "Murder. Corruption. Comedy. What a way to start the year.")
Announcer: The January Man. Murder. Corruption. Comedy. What a way to start the year.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I hate this job.
(Nick punches the killer in the groin)
"Yikes! That's a low blow right there. Nick is a dirty fighter. Don't fuck with him or he'll punch you right in the baby maker." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: See? I told you to stop. But, no. All the force necessary, you know.
"Yeah, by going "That's my purse!" on his ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick continues to fight with the killer until the police show up and Frank as well as Alcoa breaks the news to him.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: What's going on?
Captain Vincent Alcoa: Nick's in there with the strangler.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: What about the guy we got?
Captain Vincent Alcoa: It came over the radio on the way here. They just made the guy we pegged for the strangler. He got out of the loony bin about three days ago. He's been in there two years.
Commissioner Frank Starkey: Fuck!
"Oh, great. Now I'm a bigger corrupt asshole more than ever." Sean said, imitating Frank.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Nick apprehends the killer and Alcoa has his respect. Then, Christine goes over to Nick to tell him that she left Frank and that she wants to be with Nick. But Nick doesn't want her because he doesn't love her and she gives him the check. Therefore, happy ending! The killer is arrested and the day is saved, Ed goes back to do some painting and Nick gets the girl.
Lt. Nick Starkey: Listen, I want to make you dinner. You know… in a couple of days.
Bernadette Flynn: Yeah. Ok. That'd be nice.
Lt. Nick Starkey: I want to make you haggis.
Bernadette Flynn: What's haggis?
"You don't want to know." Sean said.
Lt. Nick Starkey: It's a Scottish dish. You take the stomach of a sheep, and then you stuff it with the sheep's lungs, liver and heart, some onions, suet and oatmeal. And then you boil the whole thing.
"Come on, at least fry her some fish." Brian said.
Bernadette Flynn: (Clears throat) I don't know. Sounds a little weird… but I'm game to try it.
"Ladies, unless you're willing to try a weird dish from your man, then he's the perfect guy for you." Sean said.
(Bernadette kisses Nick. Then the words "THE END" show up on the screen and the credits roll while the song "I Know the Feeling" by Juanita starts playing)
"And that was The January Man, it's a weird little movie, but I happen to enjoy it." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, of course it's a bad movie. Hell, Roger Ebert referred to this movie as "one of the worst films of all time" in 1990. I have a soft spot for the film. It's one of those movies that fit in the "So Bad, It's Good" category like Plan 9 from Outer Space and The Swarm. When I watched this movie on television and I can't tell if it's a terrible thriller or a terrible comedy. But it's a terrible thriller when I suspected it and they tried to make it a comedy. Now on the positives, the acting is enjoyable. Kevin Kline is great in the movie as well as Susan Sarandon, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Alan Rickman, Harvey Keitel, Rod Steiger and Danny Aiello. I tend to catch the movie on either MGMTV or on Epix or Cinemax and I have a ball watching it, even though some of the acting tends to get over the top. If you happen to catch it on a movie channel or come across it on Hulu, then check it out. The January Man gets three blue ribbons out of five.
"And that is all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Sadly I won't be working on another review because I'll be going on hiatus." Sean said.
Audience: Awww.
"I know. I know. But don't worry, I'll be back because in March. And you know what that means? ANIMATION MARCH MADNESS MONTH!" Sean yelled out and he begins cheering to Teddy Pendergrass' rendition of "One Shining Moment". "See you guys in March!"
Next Month:
ANIMATION MARCH MADNESS
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I hate this job.
And that's all for the review of The January Man for The Mayhem Critic. So what did you think about it? Was it hilarious? And what was your favorite joke in the review? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean returns from hiatus as he starts Animation March Madness when kicks off the month as he takes a look at the 1985 animated movie Starchaser: The Legend of Orin and sees if it's a ripoff of Star Wars. Here's the improved list of the movies for Animation March Madness that I will be reviewing:
Animation March Madness Movies:
Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpion's Revenge (Co-Review with UltimateWarriorFan4Ever)
The Simpsons Movie
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
The Lord of the Rings (The 1978 Ralph Bakshi Version)
So, which animated movie are you all excited for me to review in March? Also, the reason why I'm going on hiatus on this story is because I will be working on a new one-shot. Well, an M-rated one-shot. Here's the stories and their pairings and plot:
Stacey and the Recurring Dream (The Babysitter's Club, Stacey/Sam): While sleeping over at Kristy's, Stacey tells Kristy a recurring dream that she has about her older brother Sam. What happens when that dream of her's becomes a reality?
Hot Tub Fantasy (iCarly, Carly/Freddie/Sam): Carly and Sam are busy spending some girl time together in the hot tub until Freddie shows up and decides to have a little fun with them.
The College Girl and the Musician (American Housewife/Bunk'd, Xander/Taylor): Taylor returns home from class to find a certain hunky musician teaching her sister Anna-Kat how to play the guitar. What happens when she becomes attracted to him?
First Experiences (The Babysitter's Club, Kristy/Stacey and Stacey/Laine): Stacey confesses a secret to Kristy about her feelings for another girl, then Stacey starts having feelings for Kristy)
iStill Love You (iCarly, Carly/Freddie): Takes place during the season two episode iSaved Your Life, an alternate scene of the Creddie breakup. What happens if Freddie goes back up to reveal to Carly that he loves her and Carly tells him how he really feels about her. Will Creddie get back together?
Power Outage (American Housewife/Bunk'd, Taylor/Emma): Masseuse Taylor Otto gets a new client in the form of fashion designer Emma Ross. During Emma's massage, the power goes out and Taylor resorts to using candles as light. What happens when she continues the massage. Inspired by an All Girl Massage video featuring Candice Dare and Georgia Jones.
iKnow the Feeling (iCarly, Carly/Freddie): After a breakup with her boyfriend, Carly leans on Freddie and feelings arise.
Which M-rated oneshot would you like to see me write? If you want to co-write any of the stories with me, let me know in the comments or just PM me and I'll get back to you. So, feel free to leave a comment, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time in March. Till next time, my fellow readers.