Half-brothers

Some tropes just want to live. Alas, I cannot let them survive un-satirised.

James Potter already has a brother he can't stand, called Albus. And then it turns out things are even worse? (Lily's okay for a little sister – much less annoying than any of his Weasley cousin's that are practically extra little sisters. (And in Jame's opinion, they're pretty extra. Delacour-Weasley or DW stands for Don't Want, in his mind. Tween girl cousins that can claw holes in walls and throw fireballs were right up there with dark lords in his opinion.))

School had been out for an entire day, and James had recovered from the long trip, unpacked, eaten dad's fried omelette thing, and wandered around the house for a while, seeing what had changed.

Mum had a new Harpies poster on the kitchen door, another journalism trophy on the bookshelf, and the old wireless had been replaced. Outside, the gardens were unnaturally tidy. (James didn't spare a moment to realise that the gardens were tidy when he and his siblings weren't rampaging about. He was, after all, fifteen, going on sixteen.)

He settled into the comfiest chair in the sitting room with a comic book that Dad would only object to if he got to see the inside pages. After a while Dad came in and closed the door.

"So um," said Dad. James closed the comic, and eyed him, squinting slightly.

"Yeah so um. Alexander Greengrass," said Harry awkwardly.

"What?" asked James. Alexander Greengrass was a Ravenclaw in James's year who always had new robes and boots, acted posh, and got the answers in Defence before James. In other words, a prat, who deserved a good pantsing. His green eyes were rare, he'd only really seen eyes like that on dad. Or Lily. And something occurred to James. Something … that had dad acting weird.

"He's um… it's complicated," said Harry.

"Have you cheated on mum?" asked James sharply.

"Not as such, no," said Harry awkwardly.

-=0=-

A thirty-one year old Ginny lifted her head from the bed "You spoil me," she purred, quite naked.

"Well it is your birthday," said Daphne Greengrass, lying on the bed naked, except for a big blue bow around her neck.

"You know," muttered Ginny. "I'm sure Harry would be understanding."

"So what?"

"We could… be at my house"

"His house"

"My house – it's both our names on the title," said Ginny, sitting up. "I'd like not to be secretive about this."

"Well I don't want to advertise," said Daphne. "If he could keep his mouth shut."

"But he's got a very talented mouth," said Ginny, with a chuckle.

"I'm not interested," said Daphne.

"S'okay," said Ginny. "S'just I'd like to have you in my bed."

"Your shared bed."

"He'd behave," said Ginny. "He's very nice."

"He was always very rude at school. Called us all names," said Daphne.

"That's years ago. And besides, he was nearly in Slytherin. Mmm. Maybe I've got a type," said Ginny.

Daphne sat up and puffed upwards to blow a stray lock of hair out of her face. "He was not."

"He um, told the hat anywhere but. He'd met Malfoy on the train." said Ginny.

"Hmm. One thing we agree on," conceded Daphne.

"And that I'm lovely?"

"Two things," conceded Daphne, blowing a kiss.

"I'm um… going to have kids when I quit pro-quidditch, you know that?" asked Ginny.

"But why?"

"I like kids, and he was so cute in first year," said Ginny.

"He looked like a twerp," said Daphne. "And he was a midget."

"Well, I'd like to be more honest with him about us," said Ginny.

"And leave him for me, excellent," said Daphne snipply.

"Don't be like that. I love both of you," said Ginny.

"Ugh. The things I put up with," said Daphne.

"C'mere?" said Ginny. "It's my birthday after all?"

-=0=-

"So you cheated on mum with Miz Greengrass?"

"What?" asked Harry, blushing.

"If he's yours, you cheated on mum with her."

"Um, not exactly" said Harry, remembering a very memorable birthday when Ginny had erm… had both of them in bed at once, and after doing something quite indecent with him, Ginny had proceeded to do something just as indecent with Daphne, and knocked her up. Which was why her son's birthday was nine and a bit months after Ginny's. Extremely close to Daphne's birthday, if Harry recalled correctly. She'd tried to hang on to the little blighter and have him on her own birthday, but had missed the mark when Alexander decided to come out a few days early.

"Not exactly?" asked James, frowning.

"Um…" Harry considered how to explain without it being too graphic. "I didn't have sex with Daphne. That was your mum. She um, made sure Daphne got pregnant, with um my um… seed." Harry felt his cheeks heating up because it was a very memorable moment.

James's brows were furrowed. "But a bloke has to do it to make a girl pregnant," he said.

"If um, semen is um, put inside, then um… pregnancy can happen," said Harry. And he suddenly remembered Muggle IVF "In fact, the muggles can make a pregnancy in a test-tube and put that in a mummy." he added.

"Make a pregnancy?"

"Mixing um, seed and an egg," said Harry.

"But why would you do that – everyone says shagging's great," said James.
Harry sighed. "Sometimes there are medical reasons doing it the normal way doesn't work," said Harry.

"Hang on – are you saying you haven't shagged Miz Greengrass?" asked James.

Harry nodded.

"But?" said James. He stared at his father, and his hands described a vaguely vase-shaped object.

"Look, she'd gay. Okay. She doesn't," said Harry bluntly.

"But… you don't… Alexander Greengrass?"

"I um, send him birthday presents," said Harry.

"But… he's my brother?"

"Half-brother, and his mum told him his dad is a warlock in Eastern Europe," said Harry. (That was a lie, but also, due to an obscure fact in Harry's family tree, also true. His maternal Grandmother had been an immigrant. Well, political refugee. Squib bastard daughter of the Witch-Queen of Oshkosh. That made Harry technically, very tenuously an Eastern European warlock. They'd overthrown their Queen and executed her, but let the squib infant they'd found walled into a tower go. Quite a different story. [AN:Coming soon.])

"What? But you're… the man who won!" said James, standing up. "The head Auror, the best duellist alive."

"I'm not that good," admitted Harry mildly. "There was a point in time maybe, before you were born, I was a lot younger and had no kids to worry about… I was quite competitive then. These days? I can probably manage most of the sort of dark wizards that turn up, but I'm not that good."

James stared at him. "But…" he said, and his lower lip trembled in a Ginny-esque way. Harry strode over and gave his son a hug.

"You're my dad," said James quietly. "You're the best."

"I was bloody lucky to win the war," said Harry quietly. "And it wasn't just me."

"Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron, I know," said James.

"And Neville, and your mum and Luna and everyone in the Order, and Kingsley Shacklebolt."

"Wasn't he Minister for magic?"

"After the war, yes." said Harry quietly. It occurred to Harry that nobody at Hogwarts was getting taught History properly, and that felt uncomfortably like something he and his friends probably should have already fixed.

"Dad?" asked James. "Would you be mad if Al was gay?"

"Um," said Harry, remembering prising Al off Dominique Weasley in the sitting room at the Burrow at a family party. That suggested, based on the way Dominique had complained and pouted that firstly, Al wasn't gay, and secondly that he was very precocious, as he'd been eleven. Well, and thirdly, that he had a thing with his own cousin, which was horribly pureblood family of him. On the other hand, Dominique was, for a thirteen-year old now, very pretty, shaping up to be as attractive as either of her parents. One of whom was part Veela.

"I think he's not gay," said Harry, keeping a straight face using his rudimentary occulamancy.

"Oh that's just Dominique covering for him. She pretends to like him," said James confidently.

Harry nodded. Of course his niece would be acting as a beard for Al.

"I'm pretty sure he's in love with Malfoy, you see," said James.

Harry patted James on the back reassuringly.

"He has white-blond hairs on his robes," James added. Harry didn't bother pointing out that firstly, Dominque's hair was white-blond, or that he'd seen the Malfoy boy making sheep's eyes at Rose Weasley. He was really looking forward to either Rose Weasley slapping little Malfoy like Hermione had slapped his father, or even more amusingly, Hermione fainting when they decided they both liked each other. The Malfoy boy's looks had been quite moderated by his mother's, and even aged nearly fourteen, he resembled nothing as much as a blonde kitten with huge eyes. The other Greengrass girl had given him the massive eyelashes and dark eye-sockets, he presumed. The sister, he recalled as being tall and willowy. Daphne was blonde, but more… luscious, and … well he had many pleasant memories of watching Ginny with her face in Daphne's bust. And he felt smug because he was quite sure Draco Malfoy had never seen his wife doing it with her girlfriend, then rolling over on the bed and saying in that filthy, huskily playful tone Ginny got, asking, "Fancy a shag now?"

"Well, whatever and whomever Al's into, that's really his business," said Harry. The whole Al and his cousins thing was awkward but it wasn't illegal, and he suspected Al and Dominique weren't breaking any laws. Well, he hoped so. And a little bit of his imagination hoped Al managed to get it off with his part-veela girlfriend… but not till after they were both sixteen, so he could ignore it.

"And Lily's joined the Gobstones club," said James. Harry sighed. It wasn't a sport, but who was he to judge.

"And someone sent her a brand new set," he added.

Harry nodded. He considered his options, and didn't resist saying "Well, she's got a secret admirer, then."

He was fairly sure that Daphne Greengrass was aware he loathed gobstones, and it had been mentioned that she'd been the Gobstones club eighth seed at Hogwarts. And she and Ginny were… well, they chatted as they um. Spent quality time together. Harry tried to be accepting, and behaved himself on those evenings that they both were in bed. All you had to do was keep your hands off the blonde, it wasn't that difficult. Besides… cor.

James's brain must have finally caught up with things Harry had already said, and his mouth opened and shut silently a few times, like a goldfish.

"Mum's gay?"

"Bi," said Harry. Ginny had been quite blunt about some of the things that the Holyhead Harpies had actually done, and that Ginny had in that year Harry had 'broken up with her,' during the war, found someone else. And when she explained it as 'look, I like dinner and desert, okay. You're the dinner,' he'd tried to be mature about it.

And when Al was born, and he had to explain to little James that mummy and daddy still loved him just as much, Harry realised that Ginny could just… love two people in bed, and not love him any less. He ignored any minor chest-pains that gave him. He'd resented it, a bit, until he saw Daphne visiting Ginny at St Mungo's, after Lily was born. Daphne had taken a damp cloth, wiped Ginny's forehead and kissed her hair. Ginny's grip on his hand had slackened in response, and he could move his fingers again.

"Hey Potter," she'd asked. "You alright?"

"Sore hand," Harry had said.

"Yeah. Chasers have grip strength," said Daphne Greengrass.

"I'm retired," said Ginny.

"Bah, you could make a comeback," Greengrass had said. "They need a new captain."

"I'm thirty-seven, and I have a newborn. I'm not going back to pro Quidditch. I like being a reporter. I literally get paid to be snoopy and have loud opinions," Ginny had said. "Besides, he's pretty busy."

"Yeah, I heard he had some Ministry job," quipped Greengrass.

"I think it's actually in maintenance," said Ginny, and she sipped from the goblet Daphne held to her lips. Harry checked his watch. He'd had an hour till he had to be in the Wizengamot to represent the DMLE in a hearing.

"I have an hour left," said Harry.

"See, there's probably some overflowing toilet," said Ginny.

"Can you two stop at three?" asked Daphne. "You look really tired."

"I think we're done" said Ginny. "What do you think, handsome?"

"Lily was your idea," said Harry. "And you didn't have to have seven to get a girl."

"Yeah," Ginny chortled weakly. "I'm gonna hit mum with that at some point."

"Does she know about us?" asked Daphne.

"No," said Ginny softly. "Mum has a very simple view of how life works."

"Which is why Charlie – Ginny's second oldest brother only visits once in a while," said Harry, "He's not into people."

"Where does he live?"

"Romania," said Ginny. "And no you can't use him as a beard, everyone knows he doesn't do stuff."

"I wasn't asking. You realise if people see us three, they'll immediately assume I'm the mistress?"

"You are," said Ginny huskily. "He's just a nice boy."

"Well, I'm sorry already," said Daphne "If I was bi, I'd have stolen him years ago."

"I do have free will," offered Harry.

"Mmm," said Daphne Greengrass dismissively. "Gin, I'm so glad you're all right."

She hesitated, and turned to look at Harry. "If anything happens to me, ever, for the love of god, make sure my will gets read. My boy is not going to my sister's house. He goes to you two."

"He doesn't know though?" asked Harry, swallowing a feeling of impending doom. He could save some … son of his from the Malfoys. And a trickle of fear ran down his spine at someone else getting a shitty childhood like his. Or worse, like Malfoys.

"Course not, he's five. His dad's an eastern European warlock as far as he knows. I'll tell him when he's of age," said Daphne.

"Uh. So we should tell James then too?" asked Harry.

"Mmm," said Daphne. She frowned. "Um, that makes sense. Just neither of you get killed."

"I'm not aiming to," said Harry mildly. "I'm sort-of famous for it. And sports reporters, no matter how sarcastic they are about matches, are rarely attacked."

-=0=-

"How are you okay with that?" asked James.

"Do you want an easy answer or a hard one?" asked Harry.

"Uh. Both?" asked James.

"I've watched them shag," said Harry. "Strictly hands-off, but still."

James's eyes grew large. "Oh my god," he gasped.

"And the hard answer," said Harry sarcastically. "Is that like you kids. I don't love you less because you have siblings."

"Except for Alexander Greengrass."

"I um. We agreed, I'm not his dad, not till he's old enough to be mature about it," Harry hesitated "Or in the event Miz Greengrass died," he finished.

"Died?"

"He would, uh. Her will names us as adoptive parents," said Harry. That, thankfully hadn't happened, because it would be a media shitstorm.

"So… if she died, I'd have to have… my half-brother hanging around?" said James "There's not room!"

"We'd have added a room," said Harry calmly. "It's not a big deal to add a room." That would have been the easy part.

"Um, why tell me now?" asked James.

"Erm." said Harry. "Ginny and Daphne got photographed snogging in a bar in Morocco."

"So what?"

"Well, they were… well they had a private booth" said Harry. You could tell they were very good friends indeed from the photo.

"Why aren't they married?" asked James.

"Because I got there first," said Harry, unable to hold in a crooked grin.

"No, seriously dad. Why not?"

"Um. I'm fairly sure you can only marry one person at a time," said Harry.

"Fairly sure? You're head of DMLE?"

Harry was surprised how sarcastically James could say that. Well, and mildly impressed. His boy has skills.

-=0=-

The very expensive lawyer Harry hired through a cutout came up with a report in four days.

It was technically possible in some ICW states.

Harry took the report home.

"Gin, we need to talk," he said "It's good news, not bad."

So before sleep that night, he showed Ginny.

"You're joking?" she asked. "I can… be married to Daphne? What about you?"

"I'm not interested in marrying her," said Harry.

"Arse. In case something happens to me," she said.

"Oh. Hmm. See a point there," admitted Harry.

One cheeky international portkey organised using some of the fairly untraceable Black family money, a quick civil service in Romania, and Ginny kissed Daphne on the lips. "Hi Mrs Greengrass," she said.

"Hi yourself," said Daphne. "We'd better get out of the country – my Grandmother might hear of this, and she's a demented fossil."

"Ahem, the other bride?" said the Ministry celebrant.

Harry kissed Greeengrass on the cheek, and she returned the kiss on his right cheek.

Two minutes of paperwork, a stamp and eighty galleons later, they were ready to go back to Britain.

Ginny, considering she worked for a newspaper anyway, broke her own story. Being Ginny, it was with the most sarcastic headline she could write.

"Shock picture of married couple snogging in private booth at a bar in romantic Morocco."

She'd got Colin Creevy to take a posed photo of Daphne and her in stock wedding dresses, and as she said 'stick a jar of vaseline on the lens, Colin,' so you couldn't tell how old they were.

So she used that 'stock' photo of the married couple.

Harry was quite impressed at Ginny's headline.

Considering it was still school holidays, the arrival, at dinner time of two unexpected visitors by floo was, well, not really that surprising. Daphne and her son, Alexander. Who Harry recognised the nose and eyes of, though thankfully he'd escaped the cursed Potter hair.

"What are they doing here?" asked Al, sounding very Weasley indeed.

"Oh, kids, this is my wife, Daphne Greengrass," said Ginny. "We go way back. Alex is your half-brother."

"Alexander," said Alexander in a posh tone. Harry rolled his eyes. Also, his most handsome son, though Harry had grave doubts about his quidditch ability.

"Mother, You said he was an eastern European warlock," said Alexander, sounding choked and indignant. Okay, his most poncy, spoilt son.

"Well, you were hardly going to keep a secret, were you?" asked Daphne. "And no, children, your father and I do not do stuff. Alexander was made … using muggle IVF, with Harry's seed."

Harry was impressed she'd researched that. Because he'd forgotten to mention it to her. What Ginny had really done was… Harry blushed just thinking about it.

"Oh god," moaned Lily "I already had two! I don't want three? Eh? Miz Greengrass, do you have any daughters?"

"I only have one child," said Daphne politely. "And regrettably, one sister, who has one child."

"Regrettably?" asked Lily.

"She married Draco Malfoy," said Daphne.

"Oh god. We're related to … "

"Yes," said Alexander. "At least you're only half-cousins to the twerp." he added.

"Twerp?" asked Al. "He's obsessed with our cousin Rose."

"He has no idea what he's attempting," said Alexander judgmentally.

Harry eyed his kids, who'd somehow taken to the addition of Alexander like… water off a duck's back. Eh.

"Dad?" asked Lily "Are you married to Miz Greengrass?"

"Well, technically," said Daphne. "And yes, that makes me Mrs Greengrass, but I'm not that fond of your father."

"Yeah, he's pretty old," said Lily, showing she was Ginny's daughter.

"Importantly," said Harry, trying to steer this conversation in some sensible directions. "That means that in the event anything happens to Me, or Ginny or even Daphne, you all have a backup parent."

"Is that cheating in Parent-teacher meetings?" asked Al. Harry was actually impressed with the little shit. Slytherin really taught lateral thinking.

"Good grief? You don't all three gang up on our teachers?" asked Alexander.

"Um. Hmm," said Harry "I guess I can tag along if you want another voice, Daphne."

"For… Merlin's sake, Potter, given how many detentions you got, you have no credibility with Hogwarts staff," said Daphne.

"Hey – I got loads in my sixth year," said Ginny. "I was even chained up in the dungeons."

"That was during the coup," said Daphne blandly. "It hardly counts."

"That's when I met you, it counts," said Ginny. Daphne looked at Ginny, and Harry nearly blushed at the soft, soppy way Daphne was looking back at Ginny. He'd seen it before, but generally when they'd been snogging.

"Does this mean you have to take them both to the Yule Ministry ball?" asked Alexander.

"Um," said Harry. The thought of turning up with two attractive witches, one on each arm, had a certain appeal. And like a lighting-bolt hitting him, he realised something important.

"Uh." he interrupted "Does Malfoy know we're married yet?"

"I believe he reads the paper, yes" said Daphne.

"Oh crap," said Harry. "I wanted to see the look on his face when I called him brother-in-law."

"Ohhh. Want," said Ginny. "Sucks."

Everyone stared at Ginny.

"Harry?" she wheedled "Could you pinch a time-turner?"

"They're all gone, and I'm head of DMLE,"

"Makes it easier to get away with." said Ginny.

[AN: Uh, so that happened.]

Harry smiled and enjoyed his family.

"So um, can I go shopping with Miz Greengrass?" asked Lily "Cos mum, um, she's got better dress sense."

Ginny inhaled sharply.

Oh, well, thought Harry. You can't expect everything to go smoothly.

"That is an extremely disrespectful thing to say to your mother," said Daphne.

"No it's not, cos it's half compliment to you, so it evens out," said Lily. "Mum Daphne."

"That is… preposterous," said Alexander.

"Nah, what's preposterous is that you're not even on the Quidditch team," said Lily. "Can Mum Daphne just not handle a broom."

"I prefer not to," said Daphne snidely.

Harry tried really hard not to snort.