The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean dealt with a Creddie fan and a Seddie fan while he was talking about the Top 11 iCarly Episodes. Today, Sean is going to be talking about one of his favorite movies and one of the best action/adventure movies that spawned a franchise, Raiders of the Lost Ark, a film that took the world by storm. And just in time for the movie's 40th anniversary, Sean is going to relieve Indiana Jones' first adventure to see how well it holds up. So sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one to drink and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Raiders of the Lost Ark is owned by Paramount Pictures and Lucasfilm LTD.
Episode 118
Raiders of the Lost Ark
(Before the review starts, we're greeted to some text while the "Map Room" track by John Williams plays)
Messages: 40 years ago, director Steven Spielberg and producer George Lucas brought us one of the greatest action/adventure films of all time. Millions of audiences loved the film, including a 7-year-old Mayhem Critic, who saw the movie for the first time back in 1999. Now, 21 years later, a 29-year-old Mayhem Critic relives the film for his review. There's no reason for this text, it's just to hear John Williams' awesome music score. What? John Williams is a God. Now, let's start the damn review.
The review begins as we see Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room as he prepares to start his signature introduction that he does for every show.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
(Clips from the movie are shown while the Raiders March plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) When this film came out, it took the world by storm. Not only did it have amazing visual effects, it had some great action, light-hearted humor and all around fun and it was big. So, when I heard that they're releasing the Indiana Jones film series on Ultra 4k Blu-Ray for the film's 40th anniversary, you bet your ass that I'm definitely getting it in June. And when I watched the movie on Paramount Plus after I finished binging on iCarly, I started to watch the movie even though I got it on DVD and I got to relieve all those awesome memories.
"And how did it hold up? It was amazing! Well… not as amazing as I remembered it to be…" Sean said, until an angry fan shoots at him. The bullet misses the young critic and hits the wall. "Look, I'm not saying it's a bad movie. In fact, the film holds up extremely well."
(More clips from the film are shown while the Marion's Theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Look, what I'm trying to say is while we were blown away by the movie's visuals and how big the movie was, we might have overlooked some problems that we didn't see or choose to ignore. And I know something like Temple of Doom or Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has it's fair share of problems, and trust me, I'll get to those two trainwrecks later, you can count on that. But hey, it's still and interesting journey to be looking at a film so iconic that you can still love to this day. And for the film's 40th anniversary that's coming up, I'm going to be reviewing it.
"Let's put on our fedoras and watch the interesting team up of Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford, this is Raiders of the Lost Ark."
(The movie opens with the Paramount Pictures logo saying "A Paramount Picture. A Gulf-Western Company" before transitioning to a mountain)
Sean: (Narrating) So we start with the Paramount Pictures logo transitioning to a mountain as we see the man himself Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford, on an excursion in South America. (Sees the words "South America, 1936" on the screen) And the film kindly lets us know that it's 1936. He is joined by two porters named Barranca, played by Vic Taliban, and Satipo, played by Alfred Molina in his feature film debut.
Satipo (Played by Alfred Molina): (Picks up the poison dart) The Hovitos are near.
(Satipo tastes the poison dart, then quickly spits it out)
Satipo: The poison is still fresh, three days. They are following us.
Barranca (Played by Vic Taliban): If they knew we were here, they would have killed us already.
"Uh, why would the poison dart you just found indicate that they're following you? Hell, you could be following them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy takes a break to look at the map while Barranca takes no caution to pull his gun out in the presence of Indy and Indy quickly disarms the guy.
(Indy grabs his bullwhip and uses it to disarm Barranca, causing him to flee into the jungle)
"Okay, that was pretty awesome and I just love how they introduce Indiana Jones for the first time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Satipo arrive at the temple where a competitor named Forrestal was last seen at. And the two enter the temple and they encounter the first thing that they see in the temple. The arachnid kind.
Satipo: Senor.
(Indy turns around and sees some tarantulas on his back as he starts brushing them off with his whip. Satipo then sees a tarantula crawling on him. He walk toward Indy and turns around as we see a bunch of tarantulas on his back)
"Oh, man. What a hell of a way to pick on the new guy. This was his first scene on the first day of filming and this involves him being covered by tarantulas. You have to be high to get through this scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, this won't be the first time that Alfred Molina will be dealing with anything spider related. (A poster for Spider-Man 2 is shown)
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): Stop. Stay out of the light.
(Indy moves underneath the light, then holds his hand out as a spike trap pops out from the wall, revealing Forrestal's body while Satipo screams)
Indiana Jones: Forrestal.
"Well, I guess you could say that Forrestal never had the makings of a varsity athlete. For those of you who didn't get the reference, Google it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After going through various traps that was played by a prehistoric psychopathic Chip Chambers, Indy and Satipo come across the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple…
(A sound clip from Legends of the Hidden Temple plays)
Olmec (Voiced by Dee Bradley Baker): The choices are yours, and yours alone! Who's going first?
Sean: (Narrating) ...Indy bypasses some pressure plates and comes across the Golden Idol that he's been looking for, now he must swap it for something of equal weight, like a bag of sand.
"Really? You think that a bag of sand weighs the same as the Golden Idol? I mean, come on, that thing weighs more than my mother." Sean said as his phone rings before he picks it up to answer it. "Hello? Hi, Mom. No, Mom… Ma… Ma! It was just a joke. It's a joke for the review. I'm not trying to make fun of you. Excuse me for a second, I need to take this."
Sean gets up from off of the couch to talk to his mother on the phone.
"No, Mom! I'm doing a review! It's my job!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But Indy messes it up as the temple comes crumbling down and darts start to fly. Man, I feel like this needs some Kirk Fogg commentary.
Sean: (V/O as Kirk Fogg) Oh, no! Now, Indy's got poison darts flying right at him. He's gotta dodge them to make it out of the temple. People never make it out of there alive.
Indiana Jones: Give me the whip.
Satipo: Throw me the idol. (Sees that the door is about to close) No time to argue. Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip.
(Indy throws Satipo the idol)
Indiana Jones: Give me the whip!
Satipo: Adiós, señor.
(Satipo drops the whip and leaves)
"Damn, he got betrayed by two people. This is not Indy's day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Indy makes it past that giant hole, he sees that Satipo has regretted his life choices.
(Indy bumps into Satipo, who's been impaled by a spear trap)
"Yeah, let me give you youngsters a little lesson, this was at a time when PG meant something." Sean said.
(Clips from various PG-rated films like The Late Show, The Hunt for Red October, Airplane!, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sixteen Candles, Return to Oz, Westworld, the James Bond movies, Star Wars, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Gremlins, Jaws, Poltergeist, Watership Down, The Witches, Wizards, Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, Back to the Future, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Casper, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Spaceballs, Beetlejuice, Antz and Shrek are shown in a montage while an instrumental version of the song "Santa Lucia" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Back in the day, PG movies were taken seriously. At the time of the movie's release, there were three movie ratings: G, PG and R. There was no PG-13 rating. So yeah, you have movies that contain disturbing elements, graphic violence, scary images, mild sexual behavior and even strong language. Yeah, PG-rated movies were hardcore back in the day. We get to see someone ripping their face off in Poltergeist and hearing Michael Keaton drop the f-bomb in Beetlejuice. Hell, you even have people getting killed and people bleeding in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Right now, the PG-13 rating changed the context and the PG rating is now pussified with kiddie films.
"Man, if films right now were like the PG-rating back then. This shows that we were hardcore kids watching hardcore PG-movies." Sean said.
(Indy picks up the idol)
Indiana Jones: Adiós, Satipo.
Sean: (Narrating) But Indy's not out of the woods yet as he has another obstacle coming right for him. A giant boulder and it turns into a Crash Bandicoot stage.
(The Boulder Dash music from Crash Bandicoot plays in the background while Indy outruns the boulder)
Sean: (Narrating) After outrunning the giant boulder and making it out of the temple alive, Indy is surrounded by the Hovitos and we see that they gave Barranca a botched acupuncture job and we see that this was done by a rival archaeologist named Rene Bollard…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. He's played by Ivan Ooze himself, Paul Freeman.
"Turns out that Indy and Frenchy here have a history that goes way back a while." Brain said.
Belloq (Played by Paul Freeman): Dr. Jones. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away. And you thought I had given up.
(Indy reaches for his gun and pulls it out of the holster while the Hovitos have their bows ready to shoot him. Indy looks at the Hovitos and hands his gun over to Belloq)
Belloq: You chose the wrong friends. This time, it will cost you.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy hands the idol over to Belloq, then makes a run for it while Belloq orders them to kill Jones while he does his evil villain laugh.
(Belloq looks at the idol in his hand and laughs, followed by a sound clip from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie plays)
Ivan Ooze (Played by Paul Freeman): Welcome to my nightmare! (Laughs)
(Indy runs down the hill while the Hovitos chase him)
Indiana Jones: Jock! Start the engines! Get it up!
(Jock sees Indy being chased)
Indiana Jones: Jock, the engines! Start the engines, Jock!
(Jock starts the plane, then we see Indy swinging on a vine and lands in the water before swimming his way over to the plane)
"Man, this is definitely not Indy's day. He has everybody trying to kill him." Sean said.
(The Hovitos start shooting at Indy. We then hear gunfire as we see a bullet bouncing off of the plane before we cut to Sean, who's seen firing his gun at Indy)
"WE WILL DESTROY YOU BEFORE YOU MAKE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL!" Sean yelled out while shooting at Indy.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to get to safety until…
(A clip from Animaniacs plays)
Dot Warner (Voiced by Tress MacNeille): Wanna meet my pet?
Indiana Jones: There's a big snake in the plane, Jock!
Jock (Played by Fred Sorenson) : Oh, that's just my pet snake Reggie.
Indiana Jones: I hate snakes, Jock! I hate 'em!
"Oh, hell. Now I gotta make this joke." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Indy) I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
"So much for me avoiding a Snakes on a Plane joke in 2021." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the good 'ol U.S. of A., where we see Indy at his job as a college professor teaching a class at Marshall College. And being a handsome college professor in a room filled with attractive college girls has it's perks. Well, some perks.
Indiana Jones: However, chamber three was undisturbed, and the undisturbed chamber and the grave goods that were found in another, uh... in the area, gives us a r…
(Indy sees one of the female students closing her eyelids that reads "Love You")
Indiana Jones: Uh…
"Yeah, that's my exact reaction too. I mean, that's bad for your eyes. Don't draw on your eyelids, kids. Won't the ink leak into the eyes? And who drew that shit on there? I mean, it's a miracle that it came out right." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After class ends, his good friend Marcus Brody, played by Denholm Elliott respectively, drops by to pay Indy a visit and to tell him that he brought two men from Washington to see him named Col. Musgrove, played by Don Fellows, and Major Eaton played by our good friend William Hootkins respectively. Musgrove and Eaton work for Army Intelligence and they have a little job for Indy.
Col. Musgrove (Played by Don Fellows): Dr. Jones, now, you must understand that this is all strictly confidential, eh.
Indiana Jones: I understand.
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, yeah. If this is all strictly confidential, you might want to try a more confidential setting instead of talking about it in the biggest classroom that you could find and leave a few open doors to talk open. Man, can you imagine somebody overhearing their conversation and talking to their friend about it?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Taylor, playing as a female student, standing by the lockers to grab her notebook, while Sean, who's playing a male student, walks over to her)
Sean: Becky. Becky! You will not believe what I just heard.
Taylor: What is it, Mark?
Sean: Okay, I just saw Dr. Jones and Dr. Brody talking to some Army Intelligence officers about Nazi and some kind of Ark that has extraordinary powers that Hitler wants.
Taylor: Mark, have you been drinking again?
Sean: No, that's the truth. I saw the whole thing.
Taylor: Really? What would the Nazis do with Noah's Ark?
Sean: No, not Noah's Ark. I'm talking about the Ark of the Covenant.
Taylor: Riiiiiight.
Sean: But it's the truth!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Col. Musgrove: Now, to Cairo…
Major Eaton (Played by William Hootkins): Over the last two years, the Nazis have had teams of archaeologists running around the world looking for all kinds of religious artifacts. Hitler's a nut on the subject. He's crazy. He's obsessed with the occult.
"Let's not forget that Hitler's a nut on zombies as well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Long story short, Major Eaton and Col. Musgrove tell Indy that there's some kind of German archaeological dig outside of Cairo and something called Tanis, which is a message from an old colleague of Indy's Abner Ravenwood and Indy learns that the Nazis have discovered Tanis.
Major Eaton: Just what does that mean to you, uh, Tanis?
Marcus Brody (Played by Denholm Elliott): Well, it…
Indiana Jones: The city of Tanis is one of the possible resting places of the Lost Ark.
Col. Musgrove: The Lost Ark?
Indiana Jones: Yeah, the Ark of the Covenant. The chest the Hebrews used to carry around the Ten Commandments.
Col. Musgrove: What do you mean, "commandments"?
Major Eaton: You talking about the Ten Commandments.
Indiana Jones: Yes, the actual Ten Commandments. The original stone tablets that Moses brought down out of Mount Horeb and smashed, if you believe in that sort of thing. Any of you guys go to Sunday School?
"Harrison Ford, once again playing the skeptic." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Nazis believe that Professor Ravenwood has the headpiece to the Staff of Ra, which is needed to pinpoint the location of the Ark's resting place and I just love this scene. Harrison Ford comes alive. You can see how into this scene he is and it shows how passionate that Indy is with his work. Look at him drawing the headpiece and the staff on the board. It almost looks like he's drawing the Death Star and the beam firing. I think it's just showing some insult to injury because Major Eaton didn't make it during the assault.
Indiana Jones: ...and if you put the staff in a certain place, at a certain time of day, the sun shone through here and made a beam that came down on the floor here and gave you the exact location of the Well of the Souls.
Col. Musgrove: Where the Ark of the Covenant was kept, right?
Indiana Jones: (Points) Which is exactly what the Nazis are looking for.
"Okay, we got an epic Harrison Ford-point! Epic Harrison Ford-point!" Sean exclaimed.
(We cut to Indy pointing while different sound clips play in the background)
Phoenix Wright: Objection!
Yugi: It's time to duel!
Freddie Benson: In 5, 4, 3, 2…
(The iCarly intro plays with clips from iCarly and Indiana Jones start playing while the song "Leave It All to Me" plays and the title "iIndy" is shown)
"First things first, he has to see if Ravenwood's still alive, he hasn't seen him in years." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, Marcus drops by Indy's house to let him know that the Army Intelligence wants him to get ahold of the Ark before the Nazis do and that they're prepared to pay him for it. And I just like to say that Indy's house isn't too shabby. Aside from being an university lecturer and a globe-trotting archaeologist, he gets paid handsomely for it. Makes me wonder what Belloq's house is like.
(A picture of Belloq is shown followed by a mansion with money raining down on him and sexy women surrounding him while Shane McMahon's theme "Here Comes the Money" plays in the background with the words "I'm rich, bitch!" is shown on screen)
Marcus Brody: Well, I mean that for nearly three thousand years, man has been searching for the Lost Ark. Not something to be taken likely. No one knows it's secrets. It's like nothing you've ever gone after before.
Indiana Jones: (Laughs) Oh, Marcus. What are you trying to do, scare me? You sound like my mother. We've known each other for a long time. I don't believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus-pocus. I'm going after a find of incredible historical significance. You're talking about the boogeyman. Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am.
(Indy throws his pistol in his luggage)
We cut back to Sean, who starts flinching a bit after Indy throws his gun in his luggage.
"Sorry, I tend to flinch every time I see bad gun control happening. What the hell, Indy?! Look, I know that you're American and all that but you don't throw a loaded weapon into your suitcase. Hell, just be glad that the gun didn't go off." Sean said.
(Indy throws his gun into his suitcase. The gun goes off and it cuts to a scene from Regarding Henry, where the character Henry Turner, played by Harrison Ford, gets shot in the head)
Henry Turner (Played by Harrison Ford): Alright... wait a minute... will you just wait a minute?
"Sorry, I had to add a clip from a Harrison Ford movie in my review. I'm obligated to add a clip from a movie that he's in for this review." Sean said.
"Ah, the 1930s." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy flies over to Nepal, where we see that there's a drinking contest going on between some guy and Abner's daughter Marion, played brilliantly by Karen Allen.
"Here's the thing about Marion Ravenwood, she's one of the best heroine in a movie ever!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips featuring Marion Ravenwood are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Marion is tough and independent. Her backstory could, I mean should be a movie on it's own. She owns a tavern in the snowy mountains of Nepal and she can be able to outdrink men in drinking contests. Originally, Spielberg intended the role for Amy Irving while they were dating at the time, but the two broke up which cost her the role. Other actresses like Sean Young, Barbara Hershey and Debra Winger were considered, well, Debra Winger turned down the role for Marion, so Spielberg picked Karen Allen. Yeah, Katy from National Lampoon's Animal House.
"You have chosen... wisely." Sean said, imitating the Grail Knight.
Sean: (Narrating) She's tough, she's sassy, she's sexy. She's like the Sam Puckett of Indiana Jones. (A picture of Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett is shown)
"Oh, yeah. I went there. I compared Marion to two characters from a Dan Schneider show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Marion beats a guy at a drinking contest and after that is over, Indy drops by to pay her a visit.
Marion Ravenwood (Played by Karen Allen): Indiana Jones. Always knew, someday, you'd come walking back through my door. I never doubted that. Something made it inevitable. So, what are you doing here in Nepal?
Indiana Jones: I need one of the pieces your father collected.
(Marion punches Indy in the face)
"Ouch. I'm sensing that she's not happy to see him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Indy and Marion were lovers back then and here's a big shock for you all and according to George Lucas, well…
"Indy was 27 and Marion was 15." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A female audience member screams)
"Yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, don't believe me? Go to the Indiana Jones Wiki and read the Marion Ravenwood page. The script states that Indy was 27 and Marion was 15 at the time before the events of Raiders. She even says this line to Indy.
Marion Ravenwood: I was a child! I was in love! It was wrong and you knew it!
"Yeah, their love affair was pretty questionable. And talking about it now makes me think that Indy was a pervert. Damn, that just blew my mind." Sean said.
"I get that times were different then, but still, ugh." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy asks Marion about Abner's whereabouts, but Marion tells him that Abner is, uh, dead. So, he asks her about the headpiece but she's reluctant to part with it, so he offers to pay her handsomely.
Indiana Jones: 3,000 bucks.
Marion Ravenwood: Well, that will get me back. But not in style.
Indiana Jones: I can get you another two when we get to the States. It's important, Marion. Trust me.
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that Harrison Ford is familiar with that scam. You know, paying up front for a trip and then paying the rest on arrival." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guiness): We can pay you 2,000 now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan.
Sean: (Narrating) Marion's playing hard to get as she blows Indy and after he leaves, some shady looking characters visit Marion and they're led a Nazi major named Arnold Toht, played by the late Ronald Lacey.
Toht (Played by Ronald Lacey): Good evening, Fraulein.
Marion Ravenwood: The bar's closed.
Toht: We… We are... not thirsty.
"Well, he seems like a charming gentlemen." Sean said.
"Yeah, as charming as Hermann Goring." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Toht is interested in the same thing as Indy, which is the headpiece, but Marion isn't going to give it up that easy. So, the skunkbag decides to interrogate her in his very own special way.
Toht: Your fire is dying here. Why don't you tell me where the piece is right now?
Marion Ravenwood: Listen, Herr Mac. I don't know what kind of people you're used to dealing with but nobody tells me what to do in my place.
Toht: Fraulein Ravenwood, let me show you what I am used to. (Speaks in German)
(One of the goons grab Marion)
Marion Ravenwood: Take your hands off of me!
"Damn, these guys mean business. You don't play around with Nazis." Sean said.
Marion Ravenwood: Wait a minute. Wait, I... I can be reasonable.
Toht: That time is passed.
Marion Ravenwood: You don't need that. (Whimpers) Wait... I'll tell you everything.
Toht: Yes, I know you will.
"You know who you remind me of? An evil German version of Sinjin from Victorious. My God, man! You scare me!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Toht gives Marion a red hot poker in the face, Indy crashes the party and a gunfight ensues.
(Indy shoots at an MP40-armed Gestapo Agent, who fires his gun into the air as a gunfight breaks out. Indy fires his pistol)
We cut back to Sean, who recoils back in surprise from the sound of Indy's gun.
"Whoa! Okay, is it just me or does Indy's gun sound like it has some serious power to it?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Indy firing his gun at the gunmen)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, sound designer Ben Burtt made it sound like that Indy's gun is the most powerful handgun in the world. Hell, I think Indy tried to put Carly Shay out of commission with that gun.
(We see Indy firing his gun, then it cuts to a scene from iCarly where Carly walks into the apartment and gets blinded by the bright lights)
Sean: (Narrating) And just to show that this movie is rated PG, here's a scene where a guy gets shot in the head.
(Indy shoots the flaming log out of the fireplace, causing it to land on the floor and ignite the liquor, which sets the gunman on fire. The gunman screams and Indy shoots the man in the head)
Announcer: Boom! Headshot!
Sean: (Narrating) As awesome as this scene is, from the intensity, the sound design and effects done by Ben Burtt, Richard L. Anderson and Stephen Hunter Flick, I have no complaints about this scene. Except, there's something that baffles me about it.
"How come Indy's gun changes in every cut?" Sean asked.
(We see that Indy is firing his revolver, then the next cut he's firing a semi-auto pistol)
Sean: (Narrating) We see him firing a revolver, then it changes to a semi-auto pistol in the next shot. We do see the semi-auto pistol later on in the movie and we see him using his revolver again. What, is it his backup weapon in case he runs out of ammo for his revolver?
(Indy is busy fighting the giant Sherpa as Toht reaches for the medallion. He grabs it with his hand and ends up burning it, causing him to scream in agony)
Sean starts laughing from seeing Toht's reaction after he burns his hand. "Okay, while writing this review, I had to come up with certain ways to alter this scene and to make it funny. Like this."
(Music from Home Alone plays right when Toht burns his hand and screams)
"And this..." Sean said.
(Toht's scream is replaced by Tom's scream from Tom & Jerry)
"Hell, I even did this..." Sean said.
(Cut to a Wrigley's 5 Gum: Flare commercial)
Announcer: How it feels to chew 5 Gum.
(Toht burns his and and screams as he drops the medallion and runs out through the window)
Announcer: Cinnamon that warms as you chew. New 5 Gum. Stimulate your senses.
Sean: (Narrating) After that intense shootout, Marion grabs her medallion and tags along with Indy as they travel from Nepal to Cairo, where they meet up Indy's friend Sallah, played by John Rhys-Davies, and of course…
Fayah (Played by Souad Messaoudi): (Sees the monkey on the table) What is this? Where did this animal come from?
(A clip from Super Mario Bros. is shown)
President Koopa (Played by Dennis Hopper): A monkey.
"Aww, isn't that a cute monkey? Aren't you a cute monkey? I'm naming him Marcel." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Marion has a new pet to play with, Indy and Sallah do some talking. The Germans hired him for some digging and Indy wants him to help in decoding the markings of the headpiece and Sallah knows a man who can help them decode it.
Sallah (Played by John Rhys-Davies): Indy, there is something that troubles me.
Indiana Jones: What is it?
"Why did they cast me as an Arab? They casted me as a Frenchman in Victor/Victoria and a Russian in The Living Daylights. I'm Welsh, goddamn it!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Sallah.
Sallah: The Ark. If it is there, at Tanis, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb.
"Well, from what I've read that the Ark of the Covenant is in Ethiopia and they have somebody guarding it... until they die and have the next person to watch over it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Indy and Marion have a little walk around Cairo, while their pet monkey decides to have a little adventure of his own.
(The monkey goes over to the Monkey Man. The scene cuts to the Monkey Man entering a bar as two German men in suits stop him)
Monkey Man (Also played by Vic Taliban): (Greets them in German) Sieg Heil!
(The German man greets him. The monkey does the Sieg Heil greeting as well)
"Hey, what's going on here? Who's the monkey?" Sean asked, imitating Timon from The Lion King.
Sean: (Narrating) Is the monkey an undercover Nazi spy? Okay, I didn't know that Hitler had connections in the animal kingdom to do his bidding.
(A clip from the movie Downfall plays as we see Hitler, played by the late Bruno Ganz, talking on the phone)
Hitler (Played by Bruno Ganz): (Speaks in German and we see the subtitles on the screen) I want a dog that can do cartwheels! A cat that can sing "Make It Shine"! And an owl that can read a passage from "Mein Kampf"! NOW!
Sean: (Narrating) While Indy and Marion are enjoying the lovely tour of Cairo, they end up getting cornered by a bunch of Arabian Nightmares and we get a fun little chase scene with some action and some light-hearted humor. And who could forget this memorable moment? After Marion hides in a basket from the bad guys and the monkey spots her, which ends up getting her captured, Indy has an encounter with an Arab swordsman.
(The Arab swordsman starts doing some tricks with his sword. Indy, getting tired of all of his nonsense, pulls his gun out and shoots him)
We then cut back to Sean, who starts to laugh from watching the scene.
"Oh, man. That scene never gets old." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) An interesting factoid about this scene. Originally, there was supposed to be this huge fight between Indy and the swordsman. But, Harrison Ford wasn't feeling well, he was suffering from dysentery at the time. When Ford got to set, he proposed to Steven that they should just shoot the son of a bitch and Spielberg was thinking that as well. And that's how that classic, yet hilarious scene was born. Anyway, back to the movie. Indy sees that Marion got captured by the bad guys and they put her in the back of the truck, and Indy inadvertently gets her killed.
(Indy shoots the gunman off the back of the truck, then he shoots the driver in the head, causing him to crash the truck and we see no explosion)
Daniel Baldwin: Wait for it... wait for it... wait for it... hmm, maybe it's just a dud.
(The truck explodes)
"Marion, no! Oh, wait. There she is. I found her hand." Sean said, holding a hand.
Man: (Off-screen) I get the head!
Sean: (Narrating) Indy mourns the loss of Marion by getting drunk at a local tavern. Two men in suits drop by to pick him up, only for him to run into an old friend. That's right, it's Bollock…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. He's been hired by the Nazis to find the Ark and he tries to tempt Indy about the powers of the Ark, but Indy is not in the mood to listen to the Frenchman's sermon about the relic's wonders and for him to taunt him for a bit.
Belloq: Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am a shadowy reflection of you. It would only take a nudge to make you like me, to push you out of the light.
Indiana Jones: Now you're getting nasty.
(A picture of Belloq is shown and the words "Rene Belloq = Nasty Boy" is show on the screen while the song "Nasty" by Janet Jackson plays in the background)
Belloq: Jones, do you realize what the Ark is? It's a transmitter. It's a radio for speaking to God. And it's within my reach.
Indiana Jones: You want to talk to God? Let's go see Him together. I've got nothing better to do.
(As Indy gets ready to pull out his gun, Belloq's bodyguards aim their guns at Indy)
"Oh, shit. There's going to be a heated arms race in the room. Let me get my gun out." Sean said as he immediately picks up his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol.
Child: Uncle Indy, come back home now! Uncle Indy!
"Nevermind, there are kids around. You win this round, Indiana Jones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later on, Indy and Sallah try to decode the markings on the headpiece, so he takes him to an old Imam to decode it for them.
Imam (Played by Tutte Lemkow): Come, come, look. Look here.
Sean: (V/O as Imam) Look what I've got in my Fruity Pebbles cereal.
Indiana Jones: What is it?
Imam: (On the headpiece): This is a warning not to disturb the Ark of the Covenant.
Indiana Jones: What about the height of the staff, though? Did Belloq get it off of here?
Imam: Yes, it is here. This were the old way, this means six kadam high.
Indiana Jones: About 72 inches.
Imam: Wait!
Sean: (V/O as Imam) Shut the hell up!
Imam: "And take back one kadam to honor the Hewbrew God whose Ark this is."
(The wind starts howling)
"Okay, Spielberg. Tone it down with the dramatic wind blowing. It's not that serious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of the headpiece that the Nazis have misread the markings and that Belloq's staff is too long, Indy and Sallah realize one thing…
Indy and Sallah: They're digging in the wrong place.
Sallah: (Sings) I am the monarch of the sea. I am the ruler of the…
(Indy tosses the poisoned date up and gets ready to eat it, but Sallah catches it in his hand and the two of them see the monkey laying on the floor dead)
Sallah: Bad dates.
"NO! Not Marcel! Why did it have to be Marcel?! Poor monkey. He's too adorable to die like this. Let us take a minute to mourn Marcel the Undercover Nazi Monkey." Sean said.
(We cut to a photo of the monkey and the words "R.I.P. Marcel the Undercover Nazi Monkey" while the song "In the Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLachlan plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Indy and Sallah infiltrate the dig site at Tanis, where we see that Ballsack…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever. Belloq, is cohorting with a Nazi colonel named Herman Dietrich, played by Wolf Kahler, and his personal assistant Major Gobler, played by Anthony Higgins and we see that Col. Dietrich is in charge of the excavation site and they talk about their plans for unearthing the Ark.
Dietrich (Played by Wolf Kahler): The fuehrer is not a patient man. He demands constant reports and he expects progress. You led me to believe…
Belloq: Nothing!... I made no promises. I only said it looked very favorable. Besides, with the information in our possession, my calculations were correct.
"Interesting factoid: the name "Dietrich" means skeleton key or ruler in English. Also, Wolf Kahler also played a Nazi named Dietrich in the 1985 TV movie The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission. With his character named Herman and with him being a colonel in this one, in The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission, his character was a Nazi general and his first name is Sepp Dietrich, named after the real life SS General." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Sallah make their way to the map room as Indy heads down to pinpoint the Ark of the Covenant's location.
"And what we have here, we have one of the greatest and memorable sequences ever and it features one of my favorite tracks ever. Ladies and gentlemen, sit back and behold the awesome power of John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra!" Sean exclaimed.
(As Indy inserts the staff into hole and the light pinpoints the location of the Ark, the Map Room theme plays in the background and the Awesomeness Meter pops up, in which we see 8 whips pop up on screen right when the beam of light hits the model of the city and a smile appears on Indy's face)
"Holy shit! That kicks so much fucking ass! Man, this is one of my favorite tracks in the whole movie and John Williams is the master of music." Sean said.
(The Map Room theme plays and we see the captions "Jerry Goldsmith is my bitch!", "I am powerful than Elmer Bernstein" and "Howard Shore can suck it" on screen)
Sean immediately faints from such awesomeness.
"I'm sorry! I need a minute to regain my composure from such awesomeness. Cue the commercials." Sean said.
(We then cut to a commercial, featuring Bill Cosby in a Coca-Cola commercial)
Sean: (V/O as Bill Cosby) Ready to drink Coca-Cola. Yeah, whenever you pour a Coca-Cola into a glass…
(A red dot from a laser sight appears on Cosby's forehead)
Sean: (V/O as Cosby) ...it's ready to... Oh, my goodness. What's that red dot on my forehead?
(Cut to black as we hear the sound of a gunshot)
After the commercial ends, we cut to Sean, who has his shirt partway off while eating some tacos from Taco Bell.
"We do each other good, Williams. We do each other real good." Sean said, imitating Harrison Ford. He continues to eat his taco for a bit until he realizes that the camera is still on as he puts his taco down and gets back to work. "Back to the story."
(Indy enters a tent and finds Marion)
Sean: (Narrating) So after finding out that the Ark is hidden in the Well of Souls, Indy enters a tent only to discover that Marion is still alive.
Indiana Jones: I thought you were dead. You must have switched baskets.
(Indy ungags Marion and kisses her)
"Indy come on. I know that you're happy to see Marion but there's no need to kiss her. Do you know how long they held her here? Plus, she had a monkey on her. Not the best time to be kissing her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Indy being a gentleman that he is, decides to leave Marion behind and come back for her later because if he frees her, her disappearance would jeopardize finding the Ark.
(A clip from Guardians of the Galaxy plays)
Corpsman Dey (Played by John C. Reilly): "100% a dick."
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Ball Lick…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever. Belloq and the Nazis are talking about where the Ark is hidden and Gobler suggests that Marion could help them.
Dietrich: She was in possession of the original piece for years. She may know much if properly motivated.
Belloq: I tell you, the girl knows nothing.
Dietrich: I'm surprised to find you squeamish. That is not your reputation. But it needn't concern you. I have the perfect man for this kind of work.
(Toht walks up to them and holds his hand up, revealing the imprint of the medallion on his hand)
Toht: Heil Hitler.
"See that, Herr Pesci. I have a better burn mark on my hand than you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Sallah head down to the location of the Well of Souls as they hire some help and they start digging.
(We cut to a shot of Indy and the diggers digging up the Well of Souls while "Heigh Ho" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) And the hard work pays off as they manage to hit stone during the night and Indy plays midwife for a second.
Indiana Jones: Push!
(As they push open the stone, the song "Push It" by Salt n' Pepa starts playing)
Sallah: Indy, why does the floor move?
"Okay, that sounds like a question that someone would say while they're high." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean playing a stoner as we see him smoking a joint.)
Sean: Whoa, dude. Like why is the floor moving?
(Sean sees the floor moving)
Sean: It's either that sweet bud that I've been smoking or the dozens of Vicodin pills that I've popped. Whoo! Look at me! I'm Tonya freaking Harding.
(Sean immediately falls to the floor)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(Indy drops Sallah's torch into the well of souls, only to reveal that it's snake-infested)
Indiana Jones: Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Sallah: Asps. Very dangerous. You go first.
(Indy looks at Sallah)
"Wow, way to throw your friend under the bus. What kind of friend are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Marion, she gets a visit from Belgian…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever. As he attempts to charm her with food and a little gift.
Belloq: They're not my friends. However, with the right connections even in this part of the world, we are not entirely uncivilized. (Shows Marion a lovely white dress)
Marion Ravenwood: (While eating) It's beautiful.
Belloq: I would very much like to see you in it.
"Hmm, this looks oddly familiar." Sean said.
(A clip from The Room is shown)
(Lisa opens the package, revealing a red dress)
Lisa (Played by Juliette Danielle): Johnny, it's beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?
Johnny (Played by Tommy Wiseau): Sure, it's yours.
(Marion steps out from behind the curtain while wearing the dress)
Belloq: Marion, you are beautiful.
(A clip from The Room is shown once more)
(Lisa reemerges from the stairs in the red dress)
Johnny: Wow, you look sexy, Lisa.
Lisa: Isn't it fabulous?
Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.
"Nah! Couldn't be. I mean, Tommy Wiseau would never dare rip-off this movie. It would be a travesty." Sean said.
(We cut to Marion and Belloq getting drunk and laughing)
Marion Ravenwood: (Grabs the bottle and laughs) What is this stuff, Rene?
Belloq: (Laughs) I grew up with this. It's my family label.
(Marion and Belloq both laugh)
(Cut to another clip from The Room)
(Johnny and Lisa get drunk)
Johnny: (Drunk) I'm tired. I'm wasted, I love you darling!
"Oh, my God! Tommy Wiseau ripped off Raiders!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Room are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Don't think so? Just think about it. You have a French guy buying an attractive woman a dress and she proceeds to show it off. Hell, you also have a French guy and an attractive woman getting drunk.
"Mr. Wiseau, if you're watching this, let me give you this little message. A la Patriot Games-style. I don't give a shit if you made a bad movie that gained a cult following and neither will anyone else, but I will put such a stranglehold on your film career you'll be out on the street throwing rocks. I will fucking destroy you. I will make it my mission in life." Sean said, imitating Jack Ryan.
Sean: (Narrating) Just as Marion could make her great escape, guess who shows up?
(Marion bumps into Toht as he enters the tent)
Toth: We meet again, Fraulein. (Grabs Marion's wrist tightly) You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.
"Uh, say the evil-looking Nazi wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the desert." Sean said.
(Toht pulls out something that appears to be a torture device from out of his bag while Marion and Belloq watch as Marion gasps in fear. Toht assembles the device as a coat hanger as one of the Nazi soldiers hangs his coat on it)
We cut back to Sean who breaks down from laughing at the scene.
"Bro! He had a collapsible coat hanger at the ready to hang his coat on it. Man, he is so gaudy and evil. Did I mention that he's the best part of this movie." Sean said.
Toht: (Sits down) Now... what shall we talk about?
"Well, I was thinking that we should talk about how attractive Sam Puckett got in later seasons of iCarly or less talk more shut eye? Seriously, it's the middle of the night! Don't you clowns ever sleep?" Sean asked.
"Hmm, we can talk about The Stand, one of the best Stephen King novels ever. First, need my coffee, it's 8 in the morning." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, actually, this doesn't move the plot along as Indy and Sallah head down to the Well of Souls, which doesn't look like a well. But I'm definitely getting a vibe from another Steven Spielberg movie.
(A clip of the movie Young Sherlock Holmes is shown, featuring the Cult of Eh-tar while the Rame Tep chant plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they uncover the Ark and the next morning, Butch…
Indiana Jones: Belloq.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever. Spots Indy's group bringing the Ark up to the surface and they quickly corner our heroes.
Belloq: So, once again, Jones, what was briefly yours is now mine. What a fitting end to your life's pursuits.
(A sound clip from The Room plays)
Belloq: (His lines are replaced with Johnny's lines) Anyway, how is your sex life?
We cut back to Sean and Brian as they both spit out their drinks from hearing that line.
"What the hell?!" Brian asked.
"Never play that line again!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they could leave Indy down there, they'd figure they might throw Marion down the well for good measure.
(Marion screams as Toht throws her down into the Well of Souls)
Indiana Jones: Marion! Hang on!
(Marion hangs on to the statue)
Indiana Jones: Don't... Don't fall! Marion, I got you! I got you! I got you!
"You got her? Well, who's got you? You got snakes all around you." Sean said. "Either that or put a censor bar on Marion, because I can see underneath her dress."
Sean: (Narrating) The Nazis trap Indy and Marion inside the Well of Souls, and with them being surrounded by a bunch of snakes and and lacking a Parseltongue dictionary, they got to find a way out fast and Indy has found the perfect solution.
(Indy climbs up the Anubis statue and moves it around and pushes it to make a hole in the wall while the Indiana Jones theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Sings) Don't ask how it's possible? Me and my stuntman are here to save the day!
(The statue goes through the weak stone wall)
Sean: (Narrating) And just to show that this movie is rated PG once more, here's something that will scare the little kiddies.
Marion Ravenwood: Indy?
(A skeleton falls on Marion as she screams. Marion pushes it off and she ends up getting surrounded by a bunch of skeletons, terrifying her and we see a snake going through the mummy's mouth. The scene pauses on the image and we see the words, "A Family Movie!", on screen)
Sean: (V/O) A FAMILY MOVIE!
(Marion screams as Indy finds her)
Indiana Jones: Marion! Look! Look!
(Indy and Marion go to a room and sees some light coming through the other side)
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Marion manage to get out of the Well of Souls, as they see that the Nazis are planning to fly the Ark to Berlin, for some odd reason because it's a Luftwaffe plane. But whatever, we get an awesome fight scene to enjoy as Indy fights a German mechanic and as he makes short work on the dude, a muscular German mechanic, played by the late Pat Roach, decides to have a piece of Indy.
(As they prepare to brawl, Indy distracts the mechanic by looking down at the ground and pointing next to it. As he distracts him, Indy kicks the mechanic in his groin and tries to punch him, but misses as the mechanic swiftly punches him in the face, which was enough to knock him down to the ground)
"Okay, I've got a feeling that this guy was a professional boxer." Sean said.
(The muscular mechanic drags Indy up, but then Indy bites him on his arm and Sean starts laughing)
"Okay, I don't know which image is the funniest. The image of Indy biting the German guy in the arm or the image of Sam biting her mom on the butt in an episode of iCarly. Which one do you think is funny? You decide." Sean said as the picture of Indy biting the German mechanic on his is shown followed by the image of Sam Puckett biting her mother on the butt.
Sean: (Narrating) I wonder what Indy was thinking while he was biting that guy.
(Aaron Copland's "Hoedown" plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) German Beef, it's what's for dinner.
Sean: (Narrating) The plane's pilot tries to shoot at Indy, but Marion manages to knock the guy out and ends up getting herself locked inside the cockpit, but she does manage to take down a troop carrier filled with Nazi soldiers. Indy continues to fight the big guy and manages to make him bleed his own blood, but this guy won't give up so easily as he overpowers Indy.
(The mechanic orders Indy to fight back in German. Indy ducks down for safety as the mechanic notices something wrong as he turns around and screams as the propeller shreds him to death as we see blood splatter all over the plane)
"Man, he did Nazi that one coming!" Sean exclaimed as the audience boos at his bad pun. "Get it? He did not see that one coming and "Nazi" that one coming. You know? He's a Nazi and he didn't see that one coming. What? It was either this one or a "Will It Blend?" joke but The Unusual Suspect beat me to punch when he reviewed that movie. Limey bastard."
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Marion blow up the plane, but the Nazis decided to take the scenic route instead by loading the Ark onto a truck headed for Cairo. So Indy goes after them on horseback. (Laughs)
"Yeah, right! He's sure to catch them on horseback. These guys literally have 50 times the horsepower than you and yet you catch up to them on a horse?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm is shown)
Auntie Rae (Played by Ella English): That's some bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Indy manages to catch up with the truck and it turns into Grand Theft Auto: Cairo.
(A Nazi gunner shoots at Indy but ends up hitting the truck as the passengers duck down)
"Wow, I just realized something about the Nazis in this movie and the Stormtroopers in Star Wars. They both have terrible aim." Sean said.
(Indy fights with the driver of the truck after he climbs in from the passenger side of the truck)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Fuck you, Wilhelm! Get off my truck!
(One of the Nazi soldiers falls from out of the back of the truck and lands on Gobler's jeep)
Sean: (Narrating) Indy hijacks the truck and we get the greatest action scene in all of cinema and we see Indy playing a game of Whack-a-Nazi.
(Indy hits Gobler's jeep, causing him to drive through some bushes)
Gobler: (Speaking in German and we see the translation on screen) You kumquat!
(We cut to the next scene, where we see Indy knocking Gobler's jeep off of the cliff, killing Gobler and the other passengers before we cut to a clip of The Blues Brothers)
Gruppenfuehrer (Played by Eugene J. Anthony): (To Head Nazi, as they plummet off the bridge) I've always loved you.
Sean: (Narrating) After knocking the jeep off of the cliff, Indy has a bunch of backseat Nazi drivers out to get him. And let us appreciate the stunt work in this scene. These guys get paid to do dangerous stunts like this, which is why I love this scene so friggin' much.
"If this scene was done today, they would be using CGI. But to hell with CGI, this is way better without CGI." Sean said.
(A clip from World's Dumbest Drivers is shown)
John Enos: Try and beat that, Hollywood.
(One of the Nazi's manage to shoot Indy in the arm)
"Oh, shit! That dude just shot Indy. When I saw this scene when I first watched it when I was little, I was surprised to see that someone managed to hit Indy with one bullet to the arm. In the other films, I see him get punched, poisoned, whipped, brainwashed, strangled, almost getting his heart ripped out and almost falling to his death and surviving a nuclear explosion by hiding in a refrigerator. But seeing him get shot..." Sean said.
(The scene where the Nazi soldier shoots Indy in the arm is played once more before we cut back to Sean recoiling back in his seat and holding his arm)
Sean: (Narrating) After fending off some of the Nazis, one Nazi climbs in the driver's seat and starts giving Indy some trouble by punching the shit out of him right on the bullet wound and throwing him out of the truck. Indy manages to hang on to dear life underneath the truck.
"Holy shit! Okay, props to stuntman Vic Armstrong. That dude got balls of steel." Sean said.
(Indy uses his whip to hang on underneath the truck and gets dragged behind the truck)
"Oh, jesus!" Sean shouted.
(A clip from Robin Hood: Men in Tights is shown)
Robin Hood (Played by Cary Elwes): Mind the big rocks!
(A clip from World's Dumbest Record Breakers 3 is shown)
Chuck Nice: (In a high-pitched voice) Oh, jeez!
(A clip from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me plays)
Fat Bastard (Played by Mike Myers): Oh! Right in the mommy-daddy button!
Sean: (Narrating) Indy makes his way back up front to kick more Nazi ass and manages to bring the Ark back to Cairo, as Sallah manages to arrange a boat caled the Bantu Wind, which is heading for England under Captain Katanga, played by George Harris.
Katanga (Played by George Harris): Mr. Jones, I've heard a lot about you, sir. Your appearance is exactly the way I imagined.
"A scruffy-looking Nerf Herder." Sean said.
Marion Ravenwood: (To Sallah) Sallah. (Kisses him on his right cheek) That is for Fayah... (Kisses him on the other cheek) that is for your children... and this is for you.
(Marion kisses Sallah on the lips)
Marion Ravenwood: Thank you.
Sallah: (Smiles and sings) A British tar is a soaring soul, as free as a mountain bird. His energetic fist...
"Hey, I would break out in song if Marion kissed me. Hell, why couldn't Freddie break out in song after he kissed Sam in iKiss and after Carly kissed him in the series finale?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Indy relaxes after a hard day's work and being under the care of Marion.
(Marion wipes the fog off of the mirror, then flips it to the other side and hits Indy in the chin, causing him to scream in pain as the scene cuts to the outside of the ship before cutting back to Indy rubbing his chin)
Marion Ravenwood: What'd you say?
"Oh, Indy. Chin up." Sean said as somebody shoots at Sean, but misses him as the bullet hits the wall. "I've got to stop making bad jokes before I end up getting killed."
Marion Ravenwood: (Looks at Indy in the mirror) You're not the man I knew ten years ago.
Indiana Jones: It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage.
"Yeah, and Harrison Ford is doing Indiana Jones 5 and he's almost 80 years old." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So now Indy is in capable hands as Marion nurses his wounds…
"Which is the premise for my iCarly Creddie one-shot, Nursing His Wounds. Check it out." Sean said.
Indiana Jones: (While Marion tends to his wounds) Ow!
Marion Ravenwood: Well, goddamn it, Indy, where doesn't it hurt?
Indiana Jones: (Points to his elbow) Here.
(Marion kisses his elbow)
Indiana Jones: (Points to his forehead) Here.
(Marion takes off Indy's hat from off of his head and throws it to the other side of the cabin before kissing his forehead)
Indiana Jones: (Points to under his eye) This isn't too bad.
(Marion kisses under his eye. Indy points at his lips and Marion kisses him passionately. After the kiss, Indy falls asleep)
Marion Ravenwood: Jones. Jones?! We never seem to get a break, do we?
Sean: (Narrating) So after Indy and Marion get a good night's sleep, the next morning, something has Indy spooked.
(Indy gets his pistol ready and pulls the slide back as Marion wakes up)
Marion Ravenwood: What is it?
"It's Sam Puckett's remote. What the hell do you think it is, woman?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But it didn't take long for a German U-Boat to show up for some reason and how they found the boat. Indy hides from the Nazis, but Marion ends up getting herself captured again and the Nazis regain the Ark. Indy pursues them and follows the sub to a secret Nazi base.
"But, there's something fishy about this scene. Like that shot of Indy hanging onto the submarine." Sean said as a photo of Indy hanging on to the submarine is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) How the hell did he manage to hold his breath underwater? What is he, Aquaman? Or did the submarine did not submerge into the water?
"It's like flying a plane and not flying. Which was in another Steven Spielberg movie. One that he was disappointed in." Sean said, referencing the 1985 movie Fandango.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Aqua-Jones makes it into the Nazi base on the island, and grabs himself a Nazi uniform and follows the Ark and the Nazi's as he comes up with an explosive plan.
Indiana Jones: Hello!
Belloq: Jones. Jones!
Indiana Jones: I'm gonna blow up the Ark, Rene.
Belloq: Your persistence surprises even me.
(Sean sees a fly landing on Belloq's face and crawls into his mouth)
"Eww! That fly just went into his mouth. Belloq ate that fly." Sean said.
Dietrich: Dr. Jones... surely you don't think you can escape from this island.
"Oh, don't worry. We'll get back to that line later. It's going to be important." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And here, Belloq makes a stupid decision.
Belloq: Okay, stand back. All of you, stand back. Stand back. Okay, Jones. You win. Blow it up.
(Dietrich speaks in German. Belloq grabs a Nazi soldier's MP40 and points it at them and shouts in French)
Belloq: Yes, blow it up! Blow it back to God. All your life has been spent in pursuit of archaeological relics. Inside the Ark are treasures beyond your wildest aspirations. You want to see it as well as I.
"Belloq, are you kidding me? I mean, you're overthinking this. You could've told him to put down the RPG and give him the girl. You have the only thing that he came for. Think, Belloq, think!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Omni Man from Invincible.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Indy gets himself captured all because he's curious to see what's in the box as the ceremony of the Ark goes underway while him and Marion are tied up. And what do the Nazis find?
(They open the Ark and they see sand)
"Oh, God. Sand. I hate sand. It's rough, it's coarse and it gets everywhere." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But that's just the start as the Ark begins to spew out some ghosts.
(While the ghosts fly out of the Ark and everywhere on the island, the song "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Jr. plays in the background)
"Well, seems normal enough." Sean said.
Belloq: It's beautiful!
(A clip from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is shown)
Ron Burgundy (Played by Will Ferrell): I immediately regret this decision.
(The angelic spirit faces Belloq, Toht and Detrich, then it turns into a decaying, corpselike entity. It howls at them as Toht screams in terror while Dietrich trembles in fear)
"Oh, chiz! God has come to reap the sinners!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Brian Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): (Slaps Peter) God is pissed!
Sean: (Narrating) The power of the Ark is unleashed as a fireball rises from the Ark and engulfs Belloq, unleashing firebolts to strike down the Nazis in a very cool scene. And just to show that this movie is rated PG, and it almost got an R-rating all because of this memorable part here.
(Dietrich continues to tremble in fear while Toht screams in terror and Belloq screams in agony while being absorbed by holy fire. We then see Dietrich's skull collapsing, Toht's face melting to the bone and Belloq letting out a final scream in agony before his head explodes)
We cut back to Sean, who is seen swaying back and forth while hugging the PG-rating.
"Oh, PG. How I love you so much." Sean whispers.
(The fire rises up through the clouds as the Ark pulls the remains of the dead and seals itself shut)
Sean: (V/O as God) You're welcome, Indy!
Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome moment, Indy and Marion survive the wrath of God and next we cut to Washington D.C... wait, what?
"Okay, play the clip." Sean said.
Dietrich: Surely you don't think you can escape from this island.
"Uh, yeah. How the hell did you manage to escape from this island? You do know that there will be a shitload of Nazis on it back in the submarine base, right? It's the only way off of the island. You gotta be stealthy just to sneak out of there with the Ark since you two are on your own. Uh, what is it that Amy said about Indiana Jones?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory is shown)
Amy Farrah Fowler (Played by Mayim Bialik): Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same./And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the Ark, taken it to the island, opened it up and all died. Just like they did.
"I hate to say this but Amy is right." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy doesn't really change anything in the story.
"If Indy and Marion somehow gotten the Ark back to the U.S., the remaining Nazis would probably send a search party to find Rene's group and learn what happen and the Ark would've fallen back into Nazi hand. So, I guess Indy's biggest contribution to winning the day for the good guys was accomplished off-screen. Yeah, imagine if they ended Return of the Jedi like that by having Luke Skywalker take on the whole Empire, bring his father back to the good side, defeat Emperor Palpatine and blow up Death Star II. It would be a tad anti-climatic." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Ark is in America as the Army Intelligence guys pay Indy for finding the Ark, but Indy and Marcus are not too happy about the situation.
Dr. Marcus Brody: The Ark is a source of unspeakable power and it has to be researched.
Major Eaton: And it will be, I assure you, Dr. Brody, Dr. Jones. We have top men working on it right now.
Indiana Jones: Who?
Major Eaton: Top... men.
"Oh, don't worry. We gave the Ark to ABC Network. That'll make them think twice before cancelling American Housewife." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore... happy ending! The Nazis are defeated and Indy and Marion grab a drink before conceiving Mr. Just Do It and we see that the Ark is being sealed in a wooden crate and stored in a giant warehouse with other artifacts that time forgot. So kids, the moral of the story is: Never touch God's stuff or you'll have your face melted off.
(The end credits are shown as the Raiders March plays)
"And that was Raiders of the Lost Ark and it's still fucking awesome!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) How can you not love this movie? It's very influential and it's an iconic film. All the set pieces, the characters, the music, the humor, the visual effects and the action scenes are all amazing to watch. My only nitpick about this movie is how several white actors have been cast to portray non-caucasian roles. I mean, I've noticed that while I was watching the movie. Hell, there's also the shot where Indy drops the stick into the Map Room, I thought that shot looked a little dodgy. But this movie is so awesome, I could care less about the little nitpicks. The characters are also memorable as well, like how slimy Major Toht is and how feisty and badass Marion is and she has a heart of gold. So many good characters to talk about. And lets talk about the Man with the Hat himself, Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is perfect for the role of Indiana Jones. Yeah, imagine if Tom Selleck played Indiana Jones. Hell, he got a chance to play Indiana Jones... in an episode of Magnum P.I. when they did a parody of the movie. This is one iconic film that the whole family will watch and enjoy. If you haven't seen it, then go check it out. You won't be disappointed. Raiders of the Lost Ark comes in at 5 face melting Nazis out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and next time on The Mayhem Critic, the next Indy movie that I'll be reviewing, well..." Sean said.
(A montage of clips from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom featuring Willie Scott screaming plays)
"Oh, God. I think you better bring some ear plugs for this one." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Any of you guys go to Sunday School?
And that is all for the Raiders of the Lost Ark review. Sorry that it took long for me to work on it. I've been busy binge watching episodes of iCarly in time for the iCarly revival coming next week. Aside from that, I've been busy with work and streaming my video game streams on YouTube and I've been working on some of my iCarly/Victorious threesome one-shot featuring Sam, Jade and Beck called The Clients. But hey, at least I got this review finished just in time for it's 40th anniversary, which is next week on the 15th of June. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, you've all been waiting for it and here it comes… COMMERCIALS! Next time, Sean and his good pal Lucas take a look at more wild and crazy commercials in Commercials VI: Return of the Commercials. After Commercials VI, I'm gonna give my "The Summer of…" segments a break when I review the worst movie ever made. And that movie that I will be reviewing will be the 2003 Tommy Wiseau movie The Room. Oh, yeah. It's about time that the Mayhem Critic takes on the Disaster Artist. Or if you want me to do my "Summer of…" segment, I'm thinking of doing either The Summer of Jack Ryan, where I review 5 of the Jack Ryan movies, The Summer of Die Hard, where I review 4 of the Die Hard sequels or The Summer of The Pink Panther, where I review the Pink Panther movies.. Which ones would you like for me to review next after Commercials VI? Will it be The Room, The Summer of Jack Ryan, The Summer of Die Hard or The Summer of The Pink Panther. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.