The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you're in for a special treat. Sean the Mayhem Critic will be talking about the 1985 movie The Goonies as a tribute to one of the greatest directors ever, Richard Donner. So sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one to drink, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Goonies is owned by Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment.
Episode 120
The Goonies
We see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he prepares his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Today, I'd like to pay tribute to Hollywood's greatest director."
(A picture of Richard Donner appears in the corner)
"Yep, I'm gonna be talking about Richard Donner." Sean said.
(A montage of photos featuring Richard Donner is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) With the passing of Richard Donner this year, I want to praise him and his works. He was one of my favorite directors of all time. Sure he did bring us the one of the best buddy cop movies of all time and I've already talked about them. He's done a lot of great films, and some…
(Shots of posters of Donner's films that Sean haven't looked at are shown: The Toy and Assassins)
Sean: (Narrating) ...some that aren't that good. And believe me, he's done some great movies.
(Footage of some better Donner movies are shown next)
Sean: (Narrating) He made us believe that a man could fly with Superman: The Movie, he showed us that a kid could be truly evil with The Omen, he brought us a tale of true love with Ladyhawke and he taught us that two polar opposites could work together and be buddies with the Lethal Weapon movies and he showed us the true meaning of Christmas with Scrooged….
"...and let's not forget his best film ever…" Sean said.
(A poster for "The Goonies" fades in, but is cut off by the poster of Lethal Weapon 2)
"It's still Lethal Weapon 2, but this one works too." Sean said as the poster for The Goonies cuts back in.
(The title screen for "The Goonies" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) I know a lot of people are wondering, "How did they pick Richard Donner to direct the Lethal Weapon movies?". Well, if you saw this awesome film, then you would probably pick him to direct your movie as well. Released in theaters on June 7th, 1985, The Goonies is a fun, entertaining adventure film that is a combination of Home Alone and Indiana Jones… mostly because it was written by Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus. (Pictures of Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus are shown) Hey, it's not every day that you can tell your friends that Richard Donner directed an awesome pirate movie. What we have here is a great story, memorable and loveable characters, amazing visuals and great comedy. It's one of Richard Donner's best and we're gonna take a look at it today. So, in honor of one of my favorite directors…
"One bite for me…" Sean said as he takes a bite out of his Baby Ruth candy bar. "...and the whole candy bar for Richard…."
Sean drops the candy bar on the floor.
"This is The Goonies." Sean said as he nods.
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with a group of inmates being called out of their cells for lunch and the guard walks down the cellblock and looks inside the open cell, only to discover that the inmate has hung himself.
"Boy, for a family film it sure did start off dark." Sean said.
(The guard finds the note taped to the inmate's chest, reading "To whom it may concern". The guard removes it, turns it over and reads the back)
Prison Guard (Played by George Robotham): "You schmuck. So you really think I'd be stupid enough to kill myself?" (Repeats last two words to himself in bewilderment) Kill myself?
(We see that the inmate, named Jake Fratelli is alive. He opens his eyes, cocks his head and grins before knocking the guard out)
Sean: (V/O as Guard) Oh, no! I can't believe that I fell for that. (Narrates) It turns out that the inmate named Jake Fratelli, played by Robert Davi, is making his escape from jail while his brother Francis, played by Joe Pantoliano, and their mother Mama Fratelli, played by the late Anne Ramsey, are there to bust him out.
Jake Fratelli (Played by Robert Davi): Francis, it's the lock. (Desperate to open the car door) The lock, Francis.
Francis Fratelli (Played by Joe Pantoliano): Let go of the handle.
Jake Fratelli: I don't have the handle. Open the lock!
Mama Fratelli (Played by Anne Ramsey): Jake, up! (Gesturing to the open sunroof)
"A family of clumsy criminals. I wonder how they planned this elaborate escape during dinner." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They make their escape with the cops chasing them during the opening credits and we're introduced to some of the characters of the movie. We have the cheerleader Andy played by Kerri Green, the big mouth named Mouth played by Corey Feldman, Andy's best friend Stef, played by Martha Plimpton, the token Asian gadgeteer named Data, played by Jasper Kwong himself Ke Huy Quan and the fat kid Chunk, played by Jeff Cohen.
Chunk (Played by Jeff Cohen): Oh wow… a police chase!
(Chunk watches as the cars race by and some gunshots are fired)
Chunk: With bullets!
(The condiments from his food smear all over the window and the milkshake bursts open all over Chunk)
Chunk: Aw, shit!
"Whoo! Way to go 80s PG! Right on, my man!" Sean cheered.
Sean: (Narrating) The Fratellis manage to lose the cops by entering an ORV rally on the beach…
"And yet the cops can't find jack shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...we're then introduced to two more characters of the movie, Mikey Walsh played by Sean Astin, and his older brother Thanos, I mean Brand played by Josh Brolin. We see that Mikey is bummed out due to the impending foreclosure of their homes in the Goon Docks to an expanding country club. Plus, there's nothing exciting happening around here.
Mikey (Played by Sean Astin): Nothing exciting ever happens around here anyway. Who needs the Goondocks? Who needs this house? I can't wait to get outta here.
Brand (Played by Josh Brolin): Really?
"Yeah, I'm with Brand on this one. There was a police chase with people shooting at each other that just happened a few scenes back. Now, tell me nothing exciting ever happens in Astoria, Oregon." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mouth arrives sporting a Purple Rain t-shirt…
"I so totally want one right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just in case you forgot why his name is "Mouth", here he is not keeping his trap shut.
Mouth (Played by Corey Feldman): Come on, guys. This is our last weekend together, last "Goonie" weekend. We got to be goin' out in style, cruisin' the coast, sniffin' some lace, downin' some brews… but nooo. The one older brother had to go and screw it up…
(Brand takes a swing at Mouth, but misses)
Mouth: ...by flunking your driver's test?
"Hey, let's not forget about the time that he snapped Loki's neck, killed his adopted daughter Gamora and turned half of the Marvel Cinematic Universe into dust. And he also played Cable in Deadpool 2." Sean said, referencing Josh Brolin starring in Avengers: Infinity War and Deadpool 2.
Sean: (Narrating) Chunk shows up and we get one of my favorite scenes in the movie.
Mouth: First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.
Chunk: Come on…
Mouth: Do it.
Chunk: Come on…
Mouth: (Insistent) Do it!
(Chunk groans and then climbs up onto a tree stump near the gate. He rolls up the lower half of his shirt and starts doing the Truffle Shuffle as he makes all sorts of silly sounds and a strange facial expression while Mouth laughs hysterically)
"Haha, making fun of fat kids is funny." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) After Mouth makes Chunk do the Truffle Shuffle, he lets him in so he starts to tell them about the car chase that he just witnessed.
Chunk: You guys will never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay. And they were chasing this four wheel deal, it was this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!
Mikey: More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to your house to use the bathroom.
Brand: More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?
Mouth: Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's Pizza, right?
Chunk: Okay Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house, to use the bathroom. But his sister did!
"Right, Chunk. I believe that either Janet or LaToya Jackson came to your house to use the bathroom. I once went out on a date with Elizabeth Gillies. Or the time I slapped ex-President Trump in the face." Sean said.
"Sure, or the time I went on a dinner date with Ariana Grande." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Data makes a grand entrance by ziplining to Mikey's house after playing the James Bond theme, which leads to him crashing through the screen door and into everybody, which leads to one of my favorite gags in the movie.
(Chunk falls over and catches a tall porcelain ornament that topples from an endtable)
Chunk: Hey, I bet you guys thought I was going to drop it, huh? Ha ha. (Places the statue back on the endtable) I knew you would think that from good old Chunk.
(The statue falls as Chunk finishes his sentence)
Mikey: Oh my God!
Brand: You idiot!
(Chunk picks up the statue, apparently in one piece)
Chunk: Look, it's not broken. It's perfect. Ha ha.
(Mikey looks at the statue of a nude man and notices that the penis broke off after his inhaler falls out of his mouth)
Mikey: Oh my God!
Chunk: What?
Mikey: That's my mom's most favorite piece.
Chunk: What?
Mikey: (Worried) Ooooh. (Positions the broken piece)
Chunk: Oh my God.
Mouth: You wouldn't be here if it wasn't.
Mikey: Shut up, Mouth!
Brand: (Slaps Mouth in the back of the head) Shut up, Mouth.
"I love this movie so goddamn much. Man, I can imagine something that Trina Vega would do in an episode of Victorious." Sean laughed.
"Yeah, or Claudia Kishi from The Baby-Sitters Club." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they could get caught, Mikey and Brand's mother, played by Mary Ellen Trainor, arrives at the house with a housekeeper that she hired named Rosalita, played by Lupe Ontiveros respectively, to help her with the packing until her arm's better. I wonder how she injured her arm.
Mrs. Walsh (Played by Mary Ellen Trainor): Uh, boys, Rosalita doesn't speak a word of English, and I know some of you have taken some Spanish in school…
Mouth: (Interrupts) Well, Mrs. Walsh, I speak perfect Spanish. And if it's any help to you I'd be glad to communicate with Rosalita.
Mrs. Walsh: You're a lifesaver, Clark. Come with us, will you?
Mouth: (Innocently, hands together in prayer) Why certainly, Mrs. Walsh.
"Yeah, knowing Mouth. I'm sure that he's going to say something to her that will make her go nuts." Sean said.
Mrs. Walsh: Pants and shirts are in the second. Jus… just throw them all into cardboard boxes. Forget the suitcases. (To Mouth) Clark, can you translate that?
Mouth: Why certainly, Mrs. Walsh.
Mrs. Walsh: (Whispering to herself, smiling and proud of Clark) Oh, that's wonderful, simply wonderful.
Mouth: (Speaking Spanish) The MARIJUANA goes in the top drawer. The COCAINE and SPEED in the second. The HEROIN in the bottom. Always separate the drugs.
"He did that just to be a jackass." Sean said.
Mrs. Walsh: Now Rosalita, this is the attic. Mr. Walsh doesn't like anybody up here, ever. I guess that's why it's always open.
Mouth: (Speaking Spanish) Never go up there. It's filled with Mr. Walsh's SEXUAL TORTURE DEVICES.
(Mouth walks away as Rosalita stares at the attic in horrified shock. She gets startled when Mouth touches her left shoulder)
Mrs. Walsh: This is my supply closet. You'll find everything you need: brooms, dustpans, insect spray… (Emphasizing) I would really like the house clean when they tear it down. Clark, can you translate?
Mouth: (Speaking Spanish) If you do a bad job you'll be locked in here with the cockroaches, for two weeks without food and water.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay, Rosie? (Kindly, smiling) Okay? You're going to be very happy here. (To Mouth) Come on, Clark, we've got much more to do . You're so fluent in languages.
Rosalita (Played by Lupe Ontiveros): (Speaking Spanish) My God I'm in a crazy house!
"Okay, because of Mouth messing with her, she now thinks that she's dealing with some crazy white people. But enough about messing with the housekeeper, here's a hilarious penis joke in a family movie." Sean said.
Chunk: Look. How's that? How's that?
(We see that Chunk glued the penis on upside down)
Mikey: Oh, you idiot! You glued it on upside down!
Brand: You dork. If God made us do it that way you'd all be pissing in your faces.
(Mikey and Data start laughing)
Chunk: Looks fine to me.
"That's funny, especially Sean Astin and Ke Huy Quan's reaction after Josh Brolin says his line. I get a good laugh every time I watch this scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Mrs. Walsh and Rosalita leave, Mouth asks Mikey what his father going to do with all the stuff in the attic. And thinking there's some rich stuff in the attic, they all head up there while Mikey objects. They have their little fun until Mikey stumbles across something which happens to be a map from 1632. Mikey calls Chunk over to hold the picture frame for him to make it look like an accident just so he can get the map out.
Chunk: Hey, Mike found a map.
Brand: Is that a map?
Mikey: Yeah.
Chunk: (Pointing at the map) Look, look, look. That says 1632. Is that a year or something?
Mouth: No, it's your top score on Pole Position.
"No, that's the code to my safe. That I probably gonna have to change." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the map that they stumbled across purporting to lead to the treasure of the legendary pirate named "One-Eyed Willy" and Mikey tells the story about him.
Mikey: One-Eyed Willy stole a treasure once. It was full of rubies, and emeralds, and…
Chunk: And diamonds?
Mikey: ...diamonds. Then he loaded it all up on to his ship and they sailed away into the sunset. Until the British King, see, he found out about it and then he set up this whole armada to go after him, then the armada, they… it took 'em a couple weeks, but then they caught up with Willy, and, and, then there was a whole, big war between the armada and Willy's ship…
Sean: (Narrating) I love how Mikey is getting into the tale of One-Eyed Willy and he tells his friends about it and the amazing music score by Dave Grusin and I love some of the characters' reactions.
Mikey: And then Willy fled, 'cause he didn't want to stay around, 'cause he knew he'd get killed if he stayed around. And then he got into this cave, and the British, they blew up the walls all around him, and he got caved in, and he's been there ever since.
Data (Played by Ke Huy Quan): Forever?
Mikey: Forever.
Chunk: And ever?
Mikey: Trapped.
Chunk: Wow.
Sean: (Narrating) Chunk then knocks down a framed newspaper article about Chester Copperpot. Fun fact: that's a photo of actor Keenan Wynn as Chester Copperpot. And they learn that he was in pursuit of One-Eyed Willy's treasure and he claims to have the key to One-Eyed Willy.
"And then we come to one of the greatest and one of my favorite moments in film history." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They get a visit from Troy Perkins' father, played by Curtis Hanson… the actor, not the director, who arrives to give them the foreclosure paper. I love how emotional this scene is and Dave Grusin's amazing score playing in the background and how it's shot. It shows that the Goon Docks is their home and they don't want to lose it to some tycoon.
"Christ, this movie is so good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The gang come up with a plan to save the Goon Docks from the rich people, followed by the Cyndi Lauper music video playing on the television and to deal with Brand first.
Data: Hey Brand, how far can you stretch that?
Brand: It's not that hard.
(Brand stretches it the full reach of his arms. Chunk pins Brand by jumping on his lap)
Data: Go guys.
Brand: Get off me, Chunk. Get off. Get off me!
Chunk: I got you. I got you.
(Mikey, Mouth and Data pull his arms behind the chair and entangle the springs. Brand is helpless and trapped)
"Damn, Thanos got overpowered by four little punks." Sean said.
Brand: I'm gonna hit you so hard, when you wake up your clothes will be out of style!
"Dude, shouldn't you use your infinity gauntlet and snap your fingers to turn them into dust?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The four Goonies start their adventure with Brand on their tail after he commits Grand Theft Auto on a little girl by stealing her bike. While he's after them, he comes across a generic 80s douchebag, Andy and Stef. And with Andy being the kind one and his love interest, offers Brand a ride.
Andy (Played by Kerri Green): Brand, can we give you a ride somewhere?
Brand: No. Thanks anyway, though.
"Oh come on. This unbelievably hot cheerleader chick has offered to give you a ride. And yet you turned her down. Do you know how many times Taylor has given me a ride?" Sean asked.
"Uh, Sean. That's not the kind of ride that Andy's talking about." Brian said.
"What? Oh, she meant taking him somewhere." Sean said.
Troy (Played by Steve Antin): (Trying to further belittle him) Yeah Walsh, (Grabs his right hand, holding his wrist firmly against the car door) let us give you a little ride.
Brand: Hey!
Sean: (Narrating) But generic 80s douchebag tries to kill him before he ever gets a chance to be in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we then cut to Mikey and his friends arriving at their location. Mikey pulls out the doubloon and verifies another critical alignment, only to see that the lighthouse, the rock and the restaurant all fit the doubloon where the rich stuff is at. They head down to the restaurant and Chunk gets a little nervous.
Chunk: Um, I-I don't know about it, Mikey. Hey, it's getting late, and het, that's a summer place. What's it doing open in the fall?
Data: See, there's nothing to be scared of. See, there's already two customers who went inside the restaurant.
Chunk: Yeah, yeah, but what if they're not customers? What if they're drug dealers?
Data: Drug dealers? Shit, man. (Hits Chunk in the head)
"That's a pretty weird assumption to think that there's drug dealers hiding out at an old restaurant. Hell, it could be a crazy old man or Danny Bonaduce living there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They head to the restaurant, only to find the Fratellis' carrying something around inside thinking that it's the cook. Then, Chunk stumbles across the ORV with bullet holes that he recognized and he tries to warn them as the head inside only to be surprised by Mama Fratelli.
Mama Fratelli: How long you boys been at that window?
(The boys get startled as they turn around to face her)
Mouth: L…long enough to see you need about four hundred roach motels in this place.
(Jake has been working on something. He slams it down in frustration)
Jake Fratelli: How the hell am I supposed to create with that Smithsonian piece of shi…? (Notices the boys and comes over to talk to his mother in Italian) E casa queste soni.
Mama Fratelli: Jake, these boys are customers.
(Jake speaks in Italian and so does his mother)
"Yeah, when someone speaks in Italian, you know they're up to no good." Sean said.
Mama Fratelli: What do you want?
(The boys scream and turn around)
Data: A glass of water.
Chunk: Water, water, water.
Mama Fratelli: Four waters. Is that all?
Mikey: Ye…
Data: Yes, yes.
Mouth: (Acting like he's in a fine Italian restaurant) No! I want the Veal Scallopine. I want the fettucini alfredo.
(The other three desperately try to shut Mouth up)
Mikey: (Tense whisper) Shut up, Mouth… shut up!
Mouth: (In an Italian accent) A bottle of Fettuccine, a 1981. (Kisses his thumb and forefinger like a gourmet)
"He's such an asshole." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Mama Fratelli threatens to cut out Mouth's tongue and serve it to his friends, which immediately shuts him up as they sit at a table for her to give them their glasses of water, well dirty water. Yeah, don't drink that. Mikey fakes going to the restroom as he heads downstairs into the basement to look for One-Eyed Willy's treasure. He hears a roaring sound coming from one of the rooms as he investigates.
(Mikey sees a hideous creature, like a big ogre. It's back is turned to Mikey and he notices that it is chained to the wall. Jake is also in the room with the creature and he sings in Italian.
Jake Fratelli: You're ruinin' it! You're ruinin' it! See the feast I made ya? (Points to a dinner plate on the floor) Look at the feast I made ya. You wanna eat it? (Throws a piece of food at the creature) Here, have some.
"I guess the creature doesn't like his cooking. He's no Gordon Ramsay." Sean said.
Jake Fratelli: (His dialogue is replaced by Gordon Ramsay's lines) Your special has now become not very special. Thanks to dickface there.
Sean: (Narrating) Mikey tries to help the helpless creature out after Jake leaves by handing him food, but when the creature notices him, Mikey gets terrified until Brand arrives to take him home with the other three Goonies following them all while Mama Fratelli chases them out.
Mama Fratelli: Get out of here! And stay out! (Slams the door)
(Mama Fratelli leans back against the closed door and breathes a sigh of relief, now that they're gone)
Mama Fratelli: (To herself) Kids suck.
"That's easy for you to say, lady. Look what you have to deal with in another movie." Sean said as a clip from the 1986 Wes Craven film Deadly Friend plays, featuring a scene where the character Samantha kills Anne Ramsey's character Elvira Parker with a basketball to the head, which ends up decapitating her.
Sean: (Narrating) Mikey tells his friends and Brand about the giant "it" that he saw in the basement and they see the Fratellis carrying out a bag and figure out what they're doing until they get startled by Andy and Stef.
Andy: (To Brand) We followed you guys…
Brand: You did?
Andy: We were out driving with Troy… (Notices a fresh scrape on Brand's face) Ooh, (She touches it; Mikey takes a puff from his inhaler) sorry about your face.
Brand: Oh, don't worry about it. (Brushing the scrape with his wrist) I was born with it.
"Well, of course you were born with it. You always look like that." Sean said as a photo of Josh Brolin as Thanos is shown. "Okay, that's my last Marvel reference for this review. I promise."
Sean: (Narrating) While Andy and Brand were busy getting a little affectionate with each other, the boys make their way over to the restaurant to make their way inside to find the treasure. But to get the door open, Mouth has to say something about Chunk's mother.
Mouth: (To Chunk) You know I got some naked pictures of your mom, takin' a bath. Wanna buy 'em?
Chunk: (Angry) What?!
Mouth: (Provoking) Real cheap!
(Chunk gets enraged as he furiously charges Mouth like a raging bull. Mouth steps aside, allowing Chunk to crash into the door instead. The impact of his body breaks the door open. Chunk is left lying on the floor while the others step over him)
Mouth: Thanks, Chunk.
Data: Thanks, Chunk.
"Yeah, I don't think anyone would pay good money to see Chunk's mother naked. Hell, I would pay good money if someone has naked pictures of Taylor. Okay, if they had naked pictures of Taylor, then I would end up killing that person." Sean said.
Dave enters the house and enters the living room.
"Hey Sean, I got some hot photos of Taylor and this chick named Sam, lezzing it out in the jacuzzi." Dave said.
"What the jack did you just say?" Sean asked.
"Real cheap and some pretty hot stuff." Dave said, provoking Sean as he reaches down to grab his pistol.
"Care to hand over the photos before I end up killing you?" Sean asked.
"Oh, crap. Uh, nevermind. I'll just get rid of them." Dave said as he rips up the photos before running out of the house.
Sean: (Narrating) Brand heads inside to grab Mikey and leaves Andy and Stef alone outside. What a gentleman. Leaving two poor defenseless teenage girls alone outside. You know, there could be a killer on the loose.
(Stef trods upon a rake. It springs up, a foot from her face. Some rotten old rags and a dead fish are stuck to the end as Stef and Andy scream with horror)
Stef (Played by Martha Plimpton): (Her hands spread out, screaming) Waaa!
Andy: (Also screaming) Aaaah! My God!
"Okay, if those two were in a horror movie, they would be dead or the killer would just leave them alone. Can you imagine Jason trying to kill those two?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, playing Jason Voorhees, carrying a machete as he spots Andy and Stef, Andy is played by Taylor and Stef is played by Cheryl, standing outside by the restaurant)
Taylor: (as Andy) Did you hear that?
Cheryl: (as Stef) No, it's probably just the wind.
Taylor: How can it be just the wind?
Cheryl: I don't know. It's probably just your imagination.
(Sean walks up to Taylor and Cheryl as the two of them start screaming)
Taylor: (Screams) Aaaah! Oh, my God!
Cheryl: (Screams) Oh, my God!
Taylor: Run!
(Taylor and Cheryl run away from Sean)
Sean: (as Jason) Oh, screw this. I'll find somebody else to kill.
(Sean walks away)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Stef: It was disgusting, you should have seen it.
Andy: It jumped out from the bushes. It almost killed us, I swear to God.
Mikey: Come on, Brand, please?
Data: Yeah.
Mikey: What if we find something, huh? A couple more minutes isn't going to hurt.
Brand: Come on, Mikey. We're going right now!
Mikey: No.
Chunk: Listen to your big brother.
Andy: (While he's talking) Hey Brand, (takes his hand, he looks) give him a few minutes.
(Andy smiles sweetly at Brand, pulls his hand up closer to her face. She looks up at him)
Andy: ...as long as you stay here, (meekly) with me. (Bites her bottom lip)
"Yeah, Brand. Listen to Andy. She totally wants you to bang her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Goonies head down into the basement to look for One-Eyed Willy's treasure and they get startled by the "it" that's in the other room. They all get startled and fall into another room, but it's not long until Andy and Brand have their little private time.
(Brand and Andy get ready to kiss)
Chunk: Shame, shame.
Data: We know your name.
(Brand and Andy get interrupted by them as they look at them)
Mouth: (Hoarse laugh) Come on, Brand, slip her the tongue!
Stef: That's disgusting. No, I can't even look. Oh… can't… oh… sick. That really is sick.
"That's how I feel every time I watch the Seddie Arc episodes of iCarly." Sean said.
(Cut to the Seddie Fanboy's house, we see Dave as the Seddie Fan)
"YOU BASTARD! How dare you say that?! How dare you talk bad about Seddie?" The Seddie Fanboy asked.
"Oh, you have got to be…" Sean said as he immediately grabbed the remote from off of the coffee table and aimed it at the camera.
"Whoa! Wait, wai…" Seddie Fanboy said before being cut off by a static transition.
"Good. I don't need to be dealing with that nonsense again. Let's continue on with the review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mikey grabs a fire poker to take a swing at the floor to find the hidden treasure, but instead he finds nothing and Mouth insults Chunk once more.
Mouth: Look it! I've got an idea. Why don't we just pour chocolate all over the floor, (grinning) and let Chunk eat his way through?
Chunk: (Growing rage) Okay Mouth, that's all I can stand. (Raging) And I can't stand no more!
(Chunk ends up toppling the water bottle and tries to grab it)
Chunk: I got it. I got it. I got it!
(The stand tips over, smashing the glass water bottle on the hard floor)
Chunk: I don't got it.
Others: You klutz.
"Nice job, fat ass! Now how am I going to get a nice glass of water? I'm getting parched over here!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Mouth.
Sean: (Narrating) They hear the sound of a growing water puddle spilling somewhere as they check the fireplace only to find some old boards covering a hole while Data is busy tinkering with a printing press that prints out fifty dollar bills, making him think that the money is real, only for Brand to learn that the bills are phony and Stef finds a newspaper article about the Fratellis.
Stef: You guys, I recognize these people.
Brand: Look at it. It's the Fratellis.
Data: That's the guy from upstairs.
Mikey: And the guy who tried to sing.
Chunk: See, you guys, you never listen to me. I said that there was going to be trouble, but you didn't listen to me. You guys are crazy, you guys are self-destructive. There's a funny farm and it has your names written all over it, but I'm gettin' outta here. Tha… (Smells something, change of voice) I smell ice cream.
"Ah, ice cream. A single lady and fat person's favorite treat. Hey, could you find the cookies 'n cream? It's my favorite." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And while Chunk is busy grabbing himself some ice cream, he stumbles across a dead body. Did I mention that this movie is rated PG?
(Chunk notices a dead body in the freezer and starts screaming. He backs out of the freezer trembling with terror as the others catch him as he practically stumbles out)
Chunk: It's a stiff!
(The others start screaming)
"Ah, I love 80's PG. You give me a warm, fuzzy feeling." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Fratellis return and Chunk's fat kid senses start tingling when he smells pepperoni pizza and Jake and Francis start fighting over the pizza.
Jake Fratelli: Ma, he's eating my pepperoni.
Francis Fratelli: You want your pepperoni? (Throws a piece of pizza at Jake) Huh?
(Jake and Francis pull their guns out at each other)
Jake Fratelli: Come on. Come on. Let's kill each other over the pepperoni.
Mama Fratelli: (Angrily) Jake, put that gun away! I said put that gun away now!
Jake Fratelli: (Reholstering his gun) You always take his side, Mom. You always liked him better than me.
Mama Fratelli: (Smacks Jake) That's right!
"Yeah, Francis is Mama's favorite. She'll always favor him than you. What have you done for Mama?" Sean asked. "Also, are you two going to eat that pepperoni pizza?"
Sean: (Narrating) The Goonies hide the body back in the freezer, but they end up leaving Chunk inside with the corpse and they all climb down the fireplace until the Fratellis walk in)
Mama Fratelli: (Notices the broken glass from the cooler) Somebody's been here. The cooler's broken.
Jake Fratelli: Probably a tremor.
Mama Fratelli: Go check your brother.
Jake Fratelli: Well, well, it could've been a tremor, Ma.
Mama Fratelli: I'll show you a tremor! (Smacks Jake)
Jake Fratelli: (Fake sobbing) I'm going to go check my brother.
"This is what Franz Sanchez's life was like before he became a ruthless drug lord." Sean said as a picture of Franz Sanchez from License to Kill is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) After the Fratellis leave, Chunk steps out of the freezer only to find his friends down in the fireplace as Brand and Mikey tell him to go get the cops. Chunk climbs out of the window so he could go get the cops while the rest of the group make their way down a dark tunnel.
Andi: We've been walking forever. How much further do you plan on going?
Stef: Ow! Mouth, you stepped on my foot.
(A crunch is heard)
Stef: I dropped my glasses. I can't see a thing. Oh my God.
Mikey: (Picks up Stef's damaged glasses and hands them to her) I found your glasses. Sorry.
Stef: You broke my glasses. You broke my glasses! Oh.
"All of a sudden, Stef turned into Velma from Scooby-Doo." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Stef a la impersonation of Velma) My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!
Mikey: Data?
Data: What?
Mikey: Do you have a light?
Brand: (To Mikey) I said I was in charge. (Turns to Data to face him) Do you have a light?
Data: A light… (Thinking) sure, guys! Back up. (Opens his coat and pulls a string) Bully Blinders!
(Two small high-powered spotlights spring up from his hips)
Brand: Alright.
(Brand and the others stumble around as they shield their eyes from the suddenly very bright lights)
"Geez, now we know how Spencer Shay got the idea of the security system for the apartment. Those fucking bright lights blinded Carly." Sean said.
(A clip from the iCarly episode iOpen a Restaurant is shown as we see Carly screaming as she gets blinded by a very bright light)
(The "Bully Blinders" fade out)
Data: (To himself, disappointed) Oh, Data. Only problem is batteries don't last so long, guys. Oh.
"You should've used Energizer." Sean said.
(A clip from the Energizer commercial featuring the Energizer Bunny is shown)
Announcer: Nothing outlasts the Energizer Battery. It keeps going and going and going…
"Well, at least those lights weren't voice activated." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Chunk is running through the woods and he tries to flag down a car so he could go the to police and warn them about the Fratellis and luckily a car stops for Chunk.
Driver: What seems to be the problem?
Chunk: Look, mister, I need a ride. My friends and I just had a run-in with these really disgusting people; you might have heard of them: the Fratellis. Well, we found their hideout, and could you please, please take me to the sheriff station. I can describe all three of 'em.
(The driver turns on the interior lights. The driver is revealed to be Jake Fratelli and a startled Chunk takes a step back.
Chunk: (Nervous): Bur… uh… ta…
(Jake sings in Italian as Chunk screams while Francis grabs him from behind and drags him around to the back of the ORV)
"Okay, so we all know that Robert Davi is a trained opera singer. Also, that little bit where Chunk says the Hebrew prayer was improvised by Jeff Cohen. Which makes this scene pretty funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Chunk gets captured and thrown in the trunk of the car with the dead FBI man…
"Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that the dead body that they found was an FBI agent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...we cut back to our heroes as they find a lantern to light it up and they see that they're in a room surrounded by all types of pipes. They start yelling and banging on the pipes, which connects to the Astoria Country Club, causing a drinking fountain knock a guy out and faucets in the men's shower to burst back through the tiles. Also, I get a good laugh when generic 80s douchebag Troy has this happening to him.
(A high-powered jet of water geysers up from Troy's toilet, thrusting him up into the ceiling. He falls and lands on the floor spread eagle, with water gushing all around him)
Troy: DADDY!
"He so totally deserved it." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) This causes the waterpipe to break, shooting high-pressure water against the dirt wall as everyone scrambles to safety. The water erodes around a boulder, revealing an opening to a cave and it tumbles into the cave. Meanwhile, the Fratellis prepare to torture Chunk as he tries to tell them that his friends went underneath the fireplace and the don't believe him. And we get one of my favorite moments of the movie.
Francis Fratelli: Hey kid. I want you to spill your guts. Tell us everything.
Chunk: Everything?
Francis Fratelli: Everything!
Chunk: Everything. Okay, I'll talk. In third grade I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew school play. In fifth grade I knocked my sister Edie down and I blamed it on the dog./Then my mom sent me to… to a summer camp for fat kids. And that was third lunch I got nuts and I pigged out, and they kicked me out.
"What makes this scene so hilarious was that Jeff Cohen though of his mother dying to generate tears during his "confession" scene with the Fratellis." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And on top of this hilarious confession, who can forget about this moment?
Chunk: But the worst thing I ever done, I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony, and then I made a noise like this. (Acts like he is throwing up) Huagh. Huagh. HUAAAH! And, and then I dumped it over the side on all the people in the audience. Then, th-then then this was horrible, all the other people started getting sick, and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my life.
Jake Fratelli: (Smiles a bit at Chunk's twisted sense of humor) Ma, I'm beginning to like this kid.
"Fun fact: the basis for the theater story was a real-life prank pulled by executive producer Steven Spielberg while he was growing up in Phoenix, Arizona." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Goonies head down a series of tunnels while Andi starts freaking out almost to hysterics.
Andi: I have a beautiful body. How many more years do I have, before I get old and fat; before my hair falls out… (points at the ground ahead of her) ...before I look like him.
(The skeletal remains of a body lie half buried in the dirt with bugs crawling over the skull and out of the eye sockets. They all shriek in fright at the gruesome find and Andi screams much louder than the rest. She then turns to Brand and starts crying)
Andi: Brand!
"Oh, man. Please don't turn into Willie Scott. Please don't." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The body happens to be Chester Copperpot, who ends up becoming a victim to one of One-Eyed Willy's traps. Mikey finds an artifact resembling the key to One-Eyed Willy. Also, he ends up setting off one of One-Eyed Willy's traps, which is a bunch of falling boulders.
Mikey: Run you guys! RUN!
(The group runs for cover. Data accidentally trips and looks above him to see another boulder rocking even more)
Data: Holy S-H-I-T!
"Okay, at least say the word "shit" instead of spelling it out…." Sean said.
(As the scene continues, a shot of Ralphie (from "A Christmas Story") appears in the corner)
Sean: (V/O) ...it's like Ralphie saying "son of a B-I-T-C-H!" instead of saying the word.
"God, I love this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) After almost getting crushed by a bunch of falling boulders, Brand moves a large rock as goofy fake bats start flying out and all the way up through the hidden passageway in the fireplace, saving Chunk from getting his hand chopped off by the Fratellis.
(A flock of bats bursts through the fireplace)
Mama Fratelli: What was that noise?
Francis Fratelli: The fireplace blew. The kid's not kidding, Ma, there's a tunnel down there.
(Jake makes a sign of the cross with his fingers and tries to shoo the bats away)
Francis Fratelli: (He takes off his toupee and tries to protect it) Watch your hair! Watch your hair! They go for the hair!
"Well, it's no surprise that the guy wears a toupee. I mean, I've known that the dude is bald." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The gang enter a cave, where they stumble across an underground waterfall and pond that is full of coins, that are of modern currency.
Mouth: ...uh, President Lincoln, (inspects another coin) George Washington, (inspects another) uh, Martin Sheen…
Stef & Andi: (Surprised) Martin Sheen?
(Stef grabs the coin from Mouth)
Stef: That's President Kennedy, you idiot!
Mouth: (Defensively) Well, same difference! I mean, he played Kennedy once.
"You know, Mouth's right. Martin Sheen did play John F. Kennedy in the 1983 miniseries Kennedy." Sean said as a picture of Martin Sheen as John F. Kennedy is shown.
(Cut to a photo of Martin Sheen as President Josiah Bartlett in The West Wing)
Sean: (V/O) Hell, he also played President Bartlett in The West Wing as well.
"Wow, I cannot believe that I mentioned The West Wing in 2021. What? It's a great show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The pond happens to be a wishing well and that they're taking everybody's wishes.
"I think I made a wish to have an extended 31 day orgasm to be brought about slowly by Miranda Cosgrove, Elizabeth Gillies, Jennette McCurdy and my girlfriend Taylor. Son of a bitch, you bastards are trying to take my wish! Don't you dare steal my wish!" Sean yelled out as he got up from off of the couch.
Mouth: (Holding up a coin) Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true.
"My wish was to hack director Joseph Zito with the machete… and it didn't come true! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Sean yelled out, imitating Mouth while striking at two sandbags with a fake machete.
Announcer: FRIDAY THE 13TH REFERENCE FOR THE WIN!
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Lighthouse Lounge, the Fratellis discover the doubloon that fell out of Chunk's pocket, confirming that Chunk was telling the truth about the pirate treasure. They then tie up Chunk in the basement and leave him alone with the "It" and tries to be friendly.
Chunk: (Laughs a bit) H-H-Hi, s-sir. M-M-M-M-My name's Lawrence. Ha Ha… sometimes people call me "Chunk".
(The "It" turns his head to face Chunk and shouts at him. Chunk is horrified by his appearance. He sits there slack-jawed. The "It" shouts again. Afraid that the "It" will try to hurt him, Chunk tries to hobble away. Oddly enough, the "It" finds it funny and begins to laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) The "It" happens to be the deformed Fratelli brother named Sloth, played by the late John Matuzak.
"Okay, for those of you who don't know who John Matuzak is, he was football defensive end in the NFL. He played for the Houston Oilers in 1973, the Houston Texans (WFL) in 1974, the Kansas City Chiefs from 1974-1975, the Washington Redskins in 1976 and the Oakland Raiders from 1976 to 1982 until he retired after winning his second Super Bowl in 1981. And if you want to know what the Tooz actually looks like in real life, this is what he looks like." Sean said.
(A photo of John Matuzak is shown)
"Yeah, that's what he looks like underneath the Sloth makeup." Sean said.
(Various clips featuring Sloth are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, let's talk about the makeup for Sloth, it is well done. I mean, you've got to give credit to the makeup artists. They've done an amazing job. I've read the trivia about the movie on IMDB about the make-up for Sloth. Matuzak's make-up took 5 hours to complete. 5 hours. One of the eyes, which was out of place on the face, was mechanically operated off-screen by remote control. Someone would count down, and Matuzak would blink the other eye in synchronization. Man, this movie is so good.
"To the make-up artists who worked on the movie, you all get gold stars." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see generic 80s douchebag Troy and his buddies hanging out by the well as they talk about him and how far he's gone with Andi.
"Typical 80s jocks. Talking about how far that they've gone with a girl. Yeah, like I've told my friends about how far I've gone with Taylor. Come on, this is 2021, we don't do that shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Troy throws his quarter down the well to make his wish, but the coin flies back up as he sees who's down there.
Andi: Troy!
Troy's Friend #1 (Played by Jeb Adams): That sounds like Andi.
(They all laugh)
Troy: Andi… (laughing) Is that you?
Andi: Yes Troy, it's me. We're stuck down here. Please send down the bucket and the rope.
Troy: What the hell are you doing at the bottom of a well?
Andi: Don't ask these stupid questions, we're stuck, just send down the bucket. Come on.
"I'll let you make it with me if you send down the bucket." Sean said, imitating Andi.
"Hey, I heard that!" Brian said off-screen, imitating Brand.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Troy offers to save Andi and the rest of the Goonies so they could call it a night, Mikey remembers what Chester Copperpot has done and he's not ready to give up now to find One-Eyed Willy's "rich stuff".
Mikey: Look how far we've come. We've got a chance.
Andi: Chance at what, Mikey? Getting killed? Look, if we keep going someone's really gonna get hurt, maybe dead. Besides, we gotta get to the police.
Mikey: Maybe Chunk already got to the police.
Andi: Maybe Chunk is dead.
Mikey: Don't say say that. Goonies never say "die".
Andi: I'm not a Goonie. I wanna go home.
Mikey: I forgot. But still… don't you realize? The next time we see sky it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents they want the bestest stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what's right for them, 'cause it's their time. Their time, up there. Down here it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up "Troy's bucket".
(Mikey pauses. He gives a long hard look at everyone. They look at each other. Mikey pulls out his inhaler, takes a puff and continues)
"God bless this, kid. That is like one of my favorite speeches in movie history aside from Al Pacino's "Inches" speech from Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday, Jules' speech from Pulp Fiction and Bill Yoast's speech from Remember the Titans." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The gang helps Mikey continue the search for One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff while back at the Lighthouse Lounge, Chunk befriends Sloth. And how does he befriend him? By offering him food.
Chunk: Want a candy bar? Look, I got a Baby Ruth. (Pulls it from his pocket) Sir?
Sloth (Played by John Matuzak): Huh, huh. Wha? Ahh? Ruth.. Ruth… Baby Ruth.
"Ah, Baby Ruth, this movie is the reason why Baby Ruth is the most-popular candy bar. Well, that and the Baby Ruth in the pool scene from Caddyshack." Sean said.
Chunk: I'm gonna throw it to you, okay?
(Chunk does the best he could do to throw it to Sloth. As he throws the candy bar over to him, it hits Sloth in the face. Chunk eyes widened in fear, not knowing how Sloth will react.
Sloth: (Frustrated) Ahh!
Chunk: Aaaaaaaagh!
"Oh, no. He's about to go Hulk Smash on his ass!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (V/O as Sloth) SLOTH SMASH!
(Sloth breaks free from his chains to grab the candy bar)
"Okay, if that was a Snickers bar, he wouldn't be him when he's hungry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Fratellis are hot on the Goonies trail, while we see our heroes still in the Wishing Well as Mikey, Mouth and Data come across an old wooden wheel with some stone patterns on it, but when Mikey fits the key on the right set of stones, this happens.
(Mikey turns the wheel counter-clockwise as a pair of wooden stocks close on Mikey's wrist, locking his hand into the wall)
Mikey: (Surprised) Aaagh!
(The mechanism continues to click internally and a heavy cannon ball is released and is set rolling on an elevated track around the top of the room)
Stef: What the hell is that?
"Well, that's some nice, colorful language for your child to be hearing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, that bowling ball on a track system would surely have broken down sometime in the last 350 years.
(The cannon ball lands in a net, yanking the rope which causes the floor beneath Data's feet to collapse. Datal falls into the cave floor and screams)
Andi: (Leaping forward): Data!
(While falling, Data yanks on a cord on his sleeve. A pair of false teeth on a long spring leap out of his sleeve and catch on a rock)
"Damn, those teeth and that spring are strong. Where was that when he almost fell in the crocodile-infested water?" Sean asked, referencing Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Data's "Pinchers of Peril" saves his life and he sees that he's in another room.
"Wait, wait, wait. So, are you supposed to fall down this shaft to continue following the map? He fell. He could've been shish kabob Asian kid. That boy got a kiss from the Angel of Death." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown featuring the Phantasm)
Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Now you've had your fun, kid. Don't do that shit again or your angel of death awaits.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Chunk, him and Sloth free themselves while Chunk contacts the Sheriff, played by Paul Tuerpe, a.k.a the South African henchman with glasses in Lethal Weapon 2. He tells the Sheriff about what's going on, but he doesn't believe his story.
Chunk: Sheriff, look. This time I'm telling you the truth. I'm locked inside the Fratellis' basement with this guy…
(Sloth emerges from the freezer with a container of ice cream)
Sloth: Rocky Road, heh heh.
Sheriff (Played by Paul Tuerpe): Yeah, like the time you told me about the fifty Iranian terrorists who took over all the Sizzler Steak houses in the city?/Just like that last prank about those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on 'em?
"Okay, points for that Gremlins reference. For those of you who didn't get the reference, I'm gonna have to weed you out." Sean said as he picks up his MP5.
Sean: (Narrating) Chunk and Sloth climb down the hole in the fireplace and arrive down the tunnels where all of the water pipes area and they are moving up and down.
Chunk: Yeah, Mikey's been through here all right.
(Sloth grabs one of the pipes that's moving, and shoves it all the way up to the ceiling. We can hear a car crash, a scream and the sound of police sirens coming from above)
Sloth: Uh-oh.
(A clip from Ed, Edd n' Eddy is shown)
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): I think I hit a pipe.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the Goonies, they're taking a little potty break after dealing with some traps that tried to kill them and bats while Andi devises a plan to get some alone time with Brand.
Andi: Brand! Brand!
Brand: (To Mikey) Go see what she's ragging about, will ya?
(Mikey heads over to the 'Girls Room' to see what Andi wants. It's dark and he can't really see)
Andi: Brand? Hurry, I'm in here. With my eyes closed!
(Mikey is still fumbling around in the dark until Andi comes up and grabs him and kisses him. Stef comes up with the lantern and sees what's going on and quietly laughs)
Sean: (V/O as Andi) Brand, you're shorter than normal, but to hell with it, I'm gonna kiss you anyway.
Stef: (To Andi) All right, you kissed now tell.
Andi: There's something weird.
Stef: What? What is it?
Andi: Does Brand wear braces?
(Stef laughs)
Andi: Why are you laughing? Stef, it was beautiful.
"What's weird is that you're an 18 year old kissing a 14 year old. Now, that's weird." Sean said before cutting to a shot of Sean Astin and Kerri Green's IMDB pages. "Man, this is like watching the iCarly episode iDate a Bad Boy and we see Carly kissing Griffin and Drew Roy was 28 at the time and Miranda Cosgrove was 16 at the time."
(A shot of Miranda Cosgrove and Drew Roy's IMDB pages are shown. We see that Drew Roy was born in 1986 and Miranda Cosgrove was born in 1993)
"Now, tell me that it is not weird." Sean said.
(Another clip from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy plays)
Jimmy (Voiced by Keenan Christensen): How embarrassing!
Sean: (Narrating) Andi tries to get Brand alone after macking with his brother, but the Fratellis tracked them down as they make a run for it into a giant skull. They come across a little mini waterfall and river and they cross a fallen log and Data decides to use one of his gadgets.
Data: I've got a great idea, guys. Slick shoes!
Mikey and Mouth: Slick shoes, are you crazy?!
(A clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest Brawlers 13 is shown)
Roger Lodge: Dude, are you certifiably insane?!
(Data pulls a string and the back of his shoes pop open and begin to squirt oil onto the log behind him as he works his way across)
"Okay, why would you put that oil in your shoes if you were going to invent an oil-slick gizmo. That shit only works in cars." Sean said.
Jake Fratelli: Hiya fellas, remember me?
(Data has made it across and they all run for it)
Jake Fratelli: We just wanna get outta here.
(Data uses his entire arm to flip them off)
"Oh, that's just great, movie. You've just taught kids the "up yours" sign." Sean said.
(Francis shoots and hits a rock that Mikey's hand is on)
Mikey: Holy Mackenzie!
Sean: (V/O as Mikey) I'm gonna say "Holy Mackenzie" instead of "Holy Shit" because my parents could be watching this movie and I don't want to curse. Even though I did say a curse word earlier in the movie!
Sean: (Narrating) And since it's an 80s movie for kids, here are the two most funniest nut shots.
Jake Fratelli: Just cross!
Francis Fratelli: Don't push me!
Jake Fratelli: Hurry up!
(Francis goes to cross the log first. He reaches the spot where Data has squirted oil and he does a complete head over heels flip and lands hard on the log)
Mama Fratelli: Sweetheart, are you okay?
Francis Fratelli: (Very high pitched) No.
(We Cut to the Next scene)
Mama Fratelli: Help him, help him! Hurry up!
(Jake moves to help Francis, but slips on the oil as well and falls onto the log)
Mama Fratelli: Ohhhhhh!
"And that is the story of how Jake and Francis Fratelli were unable to give their mother grandchildren. Plus, American Dad was right. Seeing somebody getting hit in the nuts is hilarious." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) The Goonies come across and organ made out of bones. Yes, I said it. A bone organ and they must solve the puzzle. Andi is tasked to solve the puzzle of the Bone Organ.
(Andi plays the first chord and a door begins to open up)
Brand: My God, it's working. It's working, you guys. Way to go, Andi.
Andi: It's all coming back to me now! Okay, um, A, C sharp, D.
Mouth: Remember those lessons and play it right, please!
(She plays the wrong chord and the floor drops out from behind Mouth. They all grab him so he doesn't fall into this huge pit)
"And immediately, she tries to kill him before he even stars in The Lost Boys and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You can't do that to him, he was a Ninja Turtle for Christ's sake!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Andi makes another fail as she almost kills Brand before he becomes Thanons…
(Audience boos at Sean)
"Okay, okay, okay. That is my last Marvel reference for this review." Sean said.
(Data goes to check the entrance again)
Data: Hey guys! They're gone.
(Data sees Jake and screams. Jake reaches for Data. The boxing glove under his jacket pops up and nails Jake in the face. Jake shakes his head and a cartoony sound effect is heard)
"And all of a sudden Joel Schumacher took over directing the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Data runs into the gang and pushes them onto the Bone Organ keys, which causes them to hit the wrong note and the floor falls out. And now, it's Andi's last chance to hit the right note or they end up dying.
Andi: I can't tell if it's an A sharp or B flat.
Mikey: You hit the wrong note, we'll all be flat.
(Brand looks at Mikey like he just made a really distasteful joke, which he did)
"I love that look that Brand gave Mikey. That is priceless." Sean said.
Mikey: You hit the wrong note, we'll all be flat.
Sean: (V/O as Brand) Oh, Mikey. Really? Who do you think you are, Danny Bonaduce?
Sean: (Narrating) Andi manages to get the pathway opened up as everyone scrambles to safety and after going down a waterslide that looks fun, which leads to a lagoon, only for them to come across One-Eyed Willy's ship, the Inferno and they climb on board to check it out.
Andi: (Spots a skeleton) Oh! Mikey look. (Walks around it)
Mikey: Ah, it's nothing to worry about Andi, it's only a skeleton.
(Mikey turns the skeleton around and sees that daggers have been shoved into the skeleton's eyes)
Mikey: Ewww.
Sean: (Narrating) Data falls through the floor while the rest of the gang use the stairs. Andi accidentally sets off another trap that reveals the way up as Mikey climbs up there, only to find One-Eyed Willy's lair and One-Eyed Willy himself and all of his riches.
Mikey: (Sees One-Eyed Willy) Willy. One-Eyed Willy. Hello, I'm Mike Walsh, you've been expecting me. Haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece. So far.
"Dude, you're talking to a fucking skeleton. You're bragging to your vanquished foe before actually succeeding." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The other arrive only to find Mikey talking to Willy's corpse and they gather up what they can only for Mama Fratelli and her boys to arrive while Data decides to square up against them.
Data: I know what I'm doing.
(He goes to stand in front of the rest of the gang like he's having a showdown. He tries to get the boxing glove to work again but it won't. Francis laughs at this)
Data: Data is unhappy.
(Data shoots out his Pinchers of Peril and they get Francis right in the crotch. Francis screams in pain)
Sean: (V/O as Francis) OW! That was right on my balls! Now, I'll never have kids!
Sean: (Narrating) Data manages to disarm Mama Fratelli but then him and the gang are gathered up and are forced to drop all the treasure they hold.
Mama Fratelli: (To Mouth) You're so quiet all of a sudden. You're the one they call Mouth, aren't you?
(Mouth shakes his head 'No'. Mama Fratelli reaches over and pulls out a long pearl necklace from Mouths' mouth)
Mama Fratelli: Oh my God!
"That's not the only time that Mouth gave a girl a pearl necklace. If you know what I mean." Sean winked at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Mama Fratelli pushes Andi overboard and Brand jumps in to save her. And right before she pushes Mouth and Stef overboard, Chunk and Sloth arrive to save the day by making a grand entrance as Chunk saves his friends while Sloth deals with his family.
Jake Fratelli: Francis, the rope here. Go, go!
Francis Fratelli: Slothney! Slothney! Jump rope, Slothney!
Jake Fratelli: What do you mean jump rope?
Francis Fratelli: Jump rope
Jake Fratellis: (Gets it) Jump rope.
Jake and Francis: Ring around the rose, pocket full of posies.
(Jake and Francis run towards and under each other so that now the rope is wrapped around Sloth's waist. Sloth grand the end of the rope and swings them back to where they were so that he's free again. He rips open his shirt to reveal a Superman shirt underneath as the Superman theme plays)
Jake Fratelli: We're in deep shit now, Francis.
Francis Fratelli: Oh shit.
"Okay, I just love the little Superman reference and their little reactions. It's just hilarious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sloth deals with his mother as well and Brand and Andi share a kiss finally. The Fratellis end up looting the ship and accidentally trigger one last booby trap that has set the entire cavern to fall apart as the Goonies escape the area but Sloth stays behind to help his family.
"No, don't help those jerks. They were cruel towards you. Let them die." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The cops spot the Goonies while searching the beach and their reunited with their families and Sloth and the Fratellis make it out of there alive and Chunk promises that Sloth will live with him now. But wait, there's still the issue on the foreclosure of their homes.
Mr. Perkins (Played by Curtis Hanson): All right, Walsh. Today's the day. So let's get this over with.
Mrs. Walsh: Irving.
Mr. Walsh (Played by Keith Walker): I'm sorry, Irene.
Troy Perkins: Come on, Walsh. We don't have all day. There's 50 more houses to tear down after yours.
"Okay, can somebody please punch that douchebag in the face?" Sean asked.
Mikey: Sorry Dad. We had our hands on the future, but we blew it to save our own lives. Sorry.
Mr. Walsh: That's all right. You and Brand are home safe with your mom and me. That makes us the richest people in Astoria.
"Guess I'll start working on the screenplay for Free Willy before I end up pushing up daisies before they release the third film." Sean said, imitating Mikey's father.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Mr. Walsh could sign the papers, Rosalita looks inside Mikey's marble bag and finds something interesting. Not marbles, but jewels that the Fratellis forgot to check. And with that, Mr. Walsh doesn't sign the papers and the Goon Docks are saved. They get interviewed by reporters and Data ends up mentioning something.
Data: The octopus was very scary.
"Yeah, originally there was going to be a scene involving a giant octopus in the movie but it was cut out. It would've been awesome to see that in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the movie ends with everyone seeing the Inferno back on the ocean, sailing off one last time.
(The end credits play as the song "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper plays)
"Oh, yeah. And Cyndi Lauper's song plays during the end credits. Movie, I just want to kiss you." Sean said as a shot of Andi kissing Mikey is shown in the corner.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The Goonies is so much fun to watch. It's a great tale of adventure packed with humor and full of heart. Everyone had a lot of fun working on the film. Aside from Superman The Movie and The Omen, this is another one of those movies that put Richard Donner on the map and you can see why. It's a pretty nostalgic film. And yes, I know that there's a Goonies II video game on the NES. (The box art for The Goonies II is shown) That 80s Konami box art design looks amazing and even if they did a Goonies II movie, it would focus on their children. Or probably a remake and I know that I'm against remakes but it can be a great remake. In fact, I can give you a list of idea actors to play the characters:
List of Actors to play the Goonies:
Dakota Lotus as Mikey
Peyton Meyer as Brand
Isaac Ryan Brown as Mouth
Jayden Bartels as Andi
Albert Tsai as Data
Gabriella Graves as Stef
Terrence Little Gardenhigh as Chunk
Sean: (Narrating) There, I have my list of actors for the Goonies remake. So, if you're a fan of Richard Donner's movies and if this is a movie that you want to watch with your kids that knows how to combine adventure and comedy, Goonies is a good one to check out. Coming in at 5 doubloons out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
In Memory of
Richard Donner
April 24, 1930-July 5, 2021
Goonies Never Say Die
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Don't say say that. Goonies never say "die".
And that is all for my review of The Goonies for The Mayhem Critic. Man, I know that it took me a while to get this done, but I've been pretty busy with work and playing the Yakuza series on my PS5 but hey I managed to get this review done and I hope that the wait was worth it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the best damn action movie of the 90s. A film that stars Dolph Lundgren, the late Brandon Lee and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, an explosive combination. And that movie is Showdown in Little Tokyo. Will he praise this underrated gem or give it the Yakuza treatment? After the review, the next review after Showdown in Little Tokyo will be the iCarly/Victorious crossover movie iParty with Victorious review. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates and if you want to request a movie or a TV show that you want me to review or if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.