The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm here to bring you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. After Sean's epic rant on the dreaded Bill Cosby movie Leonard Part 6, it's time to move on to something better, which means it's that time again. It's time for the return of Halloween Havoc! Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicks off Halloween Havoc IV by taking a look at a Stephen King film before the Nostalgia Critic reviews it before him. And that movie is the 1984 science fiction horror film Firestarter, a film based on the book by Stephen King where he combines pyrokinesis and children. Oh, yeah. We're in for a treat. So sit back, relax and enjoy the return of Halloween Havoc.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Firestarter is owned by Universal Pictures and Dino de Laurentiis Company.
Halloween Havoc IV Part 1: Firestarter
We open with a cold-open on a red curtain, a la Frankenstein, with the audience chatter in the background. Taylor then walks out in front of the curtain and waves to the audience.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Taylor Addison. You all know me as Sean's hot girlfriend. And I know that some of you guys were wondering how did a guy like Sean get a girl like me. Look, it's not important right now. Okay, I love the nerdy types and Sean is a cute nerd. But enough about talking about Sean, I just want to give you all a little warning here. Now I know that every year Sean reviews a movie that is indeed scary and bloody and he gives his opinion on them. If you have little kids or if you're a whiny crybaby who doesn't like to hear anyone's opinion on the movie, then turn back now." Taylor said.
Audience Member: Why isn't he reviewing the iCarly episode iHalfoween? I WANT SOME SEDDIE! SEDDIE!
Taylor immediately pulls out a .357 Magnum, which she holds out at the audience menacingly.
"Okay, one more person mentions Seddie one more time, you'll have to deal with me." Taylor said.
Audience Member: SEDDIE!
Taylor aims her magnum at the audience member and shoots him as the audience screams.
"I'VE WARNED YOU! IF ANYONE ELSE HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, I WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD CLEAN OFF!" Taylor yelled out as the audience calms down before she puts the gun away. "Good. Now with that said, please enjoy tonight's review."
(We get the Halloween Havoc IV intro in the parody of The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror intro. The graves in the "Nostalgia Cemetery" are depicted as follows: "Pops from The Goldbergs", "Jennette McCurdy's Acting Career", "American Housewife" and "Daniel Craig as James Bond". For the couch gag inside Sean and Taylor's house, Sean and Taylor run up to the couch, only to spot Tar Man from The Return of the Living Dead sitting on the couch waiting for them)
Tar Man: Brains!
(Sean and Taylor both scream and run away as Tar Man chases them)
As the intro ends, we open with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room wearing his usual Halloween Havoc getup: an orange and black long sleeved shirt, his Old Navy denim jeans, his blue and white Adidas sneakers, his Halloween baseball cap and to add to the ensemble is his denim jacket.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome to Halloween Havoc." Sean said as he does his evil laugh while we hear the sound of lightning in the background. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about Stephen King."
(The audience boos at Sean)
"Oh, shut up!" Sean exclaimed.
(The theme from The Shining plays as we get a montage of photos featuring Stephen King and some of his works are shown. We then get a montage of some film and TV miniseries adaptations of his works like The Stand, Christine, The Shining (the Kubrick film version and the Mick Garris miniseries version), The Langoliers, Storm of the Century, It (the Tommy Lee Wallace miniseries version and the Andy Muschietti film version), Sleepwalkers, Dreamcatcher, Carrie (the Brian DePalma version), Silver Bullet, Misery, The Tommyknockers, The Running Man, The Shawshank Redemption, Dolores Clairborne, The Green Mile, The Mist, Under the Dome, Doctor Sleep and Maximum Overdrive are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Stephen King? He's one of the greatest writers of all time. He's brought us great story after story after story. When it comes to his stories, there's the film and TV miniseries adaptations of his works. Now some can be good while there are others that can be over the top silly and bad.
"And I've think I've found the perfect Stephen King movie that's both good and over the top silly. And I wanted to review this movie before the Nostalgia Critic does for Nostalgia-ween. Firestarter." Sean said.
(Cut to the title of the movie and clips from the movie while the track "Charly the Kid" by Tangerine Dream plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters in 1984, the same year that brought us Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop, Firestarter was based on the 1980 novel by Stephen King, the movie was panned by critics, but people seemed to enjoy it and it's a cult classic. Originally, John Carpenter was supposed to direct the movie and he hired Bill Lancaster to adapt the novel into a screenplay, which King approved. Then months later, Carpenter hired Bill Phillips to write another version with Richard Dreyfuss as Andy. After the financial failure of his movie The Thing, Universal replaced Carpenter with director Mark L. Lester. Yep, the same Mark L. Lester who brought us Showdown in Little Tokyo. He even brought in Damien: Omen II screenwriter Stanley Mann to write a screenplay that stayed closer to the novel than the abandoned screenplays that Carpenter commissioned. And to top it all off, King saw the rough cut of the film and he hated it and him and Lester fought over the comments that he made about it. (A poster for Maximum Overdrive and the DVD cover of The Shining miniseries is shown) Yeah, this is coming from a guy who thought that this and this was a good idea. Look, I love the movie Firestarter. In my opinion, I think it's one of the good adaptations of Stephen King's movies. It's a good movie, but still it's an adaptation of one of Stephen King's novels, there's bound to be some over the top silliness in it that I couldn't help but find ridiculous or laugh my ass off from it.
"Well, let's watch the whole world burn. This is Firestarter." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a black background with smoke in the background as the opening credits are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with the opening credits literally smoking.
"I thought I've told that damn editor to stop smoking in the editing room." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Christ, I feel like after I see the opening credits end, it's going to turn into the opening of Bonanza.
(The famous "map burning" clip from the intro to Bonanza is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a shot of Washington D.C., as we see Andy McGee, played by David Keith, (a picture of David Keith is shown alongside a photo of Patrick Swayze), who I swear is Patrick Swayze's twin, and his daughter Charlie played by a young Drew Barrymore, are on the run from some shady government guys.
"Well, that's one way to start a Stephen King movie. Have people getting chased by government agents. Also, a Stephen King movie that doesn't take place in Maine. That's a travesty! And a good thing too because I do not want to play the Stephen King Drinking Game." Sean said.
Charlie McGee (Played by Drew Barrymore): Daddy, I'm tired. Can't we stop?
Andy McGee (Played by David Keith): Not yet, honey.
Charlie McGee: There isn't any people on the side streets. And they're darker.
"Oh, great. Why did you have to bring up race? Plus, my skin is milk chocolate. I'm not dark like Wesley Snipes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The evil government guys spot Andy and Charlie as the two of them make a run for it and catch a cab that's driven by Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas.
(Andy uses his telepathic powers in the taxi driver)
Andy McGee: Drive.
(The taxi driver starts driving while the government guys run after them)
Orville Jamieson (Played by Drew Snynder): Stop!
Mayo (Played by Keith Colbert): Stop that car! Hey, cabbie!
Andy McGee: (To the taxi driver) Don't pay any attention to them. Just drive.
"Yeah, no free rides for those guys. I found this cab first." Sean said, imitating Andy.
Taxi Driver (Played by Antonio Fargas): Hey, mister, where are we going?
Andy McGee: (Sighs) The airport.
Taxi Driver: Wait, wait. Hey, I can't go to the airport. (Stops the cab) Hey. It's too far.
Andy McGee: Look… (Reaches into his jacket and pulls out his wallet and grabs a dollar) I'm gonna give you a $500 bill.
Sean: (V/O as the taxi driver) Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna believe that you have a $500 bill.
(The taxi driver grabs the dollar as Andy uses his powers on him, then the $1 bill turns into a $500 bill)
Andy McGee: Drive.
Taxi Driver: I ain't turning down no $500. (Starts driving)
Sean: (Narrating) So we get a little flashback to see a group of college students participating in an experiment that is being given by Dr. Joseph Wanless, played by Freddie Jones, as he gives them a dose of a low-grade hallucinogen called LOT-6.
Dr. Joseph Wanless (Played by Freddie Jones): The exact nature of this compound is classified, but it is essentially a hypnotic mild hallucinogenic. We employ the double-blind method of administering the compound, which is to say that neither you nor we know who has received the clear dose and who has not.
"In other words, you'll be fine. I'm sure that nothing bad is going to happen to you. Trust us." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Here, we see Andy is one of the college students as well and he meets a fellow college student named Vicky Tomlinson, played by Heather Locklear.
Vicky McGee (Played by Heather Locklear): I'm a little nervous about this, Andy McGee. What if I go on a bad trip or something?
Andy McGee: Oh, we'll probably just get distilled water.
(We see the college students getting injected with LOT-6 while some of them are feeling some effects from it)
Dr. Joseph Wanless: How are you feeling?
Andy McGee: When do we start to shrink?
Dr. Joseph Wanless: You believe you're going to shrink?
Andy McGee: Sh-ri-nk…
Dr. Joseph Wanless: You'll be fine.
"Either that or he's high, man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that the experiment gives Vicky and Andy telepathic abilities. Vicky can read minds and Andy can control people's minds and believes what he wants. While the other start having bad things happing to them like one guy is spazzing out while the other guy has no eyeballs and freaking out. After that bizarre sequence, Andy and Charlie arrive at the airport. Meanwhile, the government guys are on their tail and hey, look! It's Dick Warlock! The guy that played Michael Myers in Halloween II. (Cut to Dick Warlock as the character Knowles, giving Jamieson a thumbs-up)
Bates (Played by Curtis Credel): Suppose we catch up with him. Do you wanna face him down?
Mayo: (Pulls his revolver out to check his bullets) What do you call this thing he's got? How he, uh, pushes people.
Orville Jamieson: The Shop figures he may be running down by now. He's overdone it before and wound up in bed. It's doing something to his brain.
Mayo: Like what?
Orville Jamieson: Giving himself pinprick hemorrages, maybe? It could kill him.
Bates: Good, let's hope.
"Yeah, if he uses his telekinetic abilities, it will give him nosebleeds and it could probably kill him. That's a way to put it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With no money and nothing to sell and nowhere to stay, Andy must find a way to get some money, by stealing from out of the phone booth. And while Charlie is busy keeping a lookout and Andy is using his powers on a phone to steal some change, Charlie witnesses a young soldier telling his pregnant girlfriend off.
Young Serviceman (Played by Jack Magner): This ain't got nothing to do with me. We've been through this 100 times. I don't want you around. I'm not responsible. Look, I told you not to follow me here.
Serviceman's Girlfriend (Played by Lisa Anne Barnes): But I can't do it on my own. I don't know where to go. And I don't have any money.
Young Serviceman: I'm not the only guy you've been with.
"Besides, he's been busy boinking his sister." Sean said, referencing Amityville II: The Possession.
Sean: (Narrating) And here's the thing about Charlie. She might be sweet and adorable, well…
(Charlie uses her pyrokinetic abilities on the soldier, setting his feet on fire. The soldier looks down and sees that his feet are on fire. Andy grabs Charlie and runs out of the airport)
Charlie McGee: I didn't mean it, Daddy!
"Yeah, you end up pissing her off, she's gonna give you the 'ol hot foot treatment. And you will not like it." Sean said.
(A sound clip from Ed, Edd n Eddy plays)
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): I am melting, Eddy!
(The soldier runs into the women's restroom and jumps into the toilet to put the flames out)
Security Guard (Played by Larry Sprinkle): (Enters the restroom) All right, buddy, come outta there.
Young Serviceman: You mind waiting till I put my feet out.
"Well, serves you right for trying to ditch your responsibility. And you might wanna get rid of those shoes too. There's no telling what was in that toilet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Charlie freaks out about setting that guy on fire while Andy tries to calm her down.
Andy McGee: Now I want you to listen to me. You said it got away from you, and it did. But not like before. It just got away a little bit. Charlie, you might've set that man's face on fire or his hair. Now, it always goes out at somebody that you don't like. But you really didn't hurt that guy.
Charlie McGee: Not like I hurt Mommy in the kitchen.
"Wait, what did she do to her mother in the kitchen?" Sean asked. "Did she accidentally burn her mother to death with her powers?"
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the evil government agents are on the hunt for Andy and Charlie as Charlie senses them on their way. Andy and Charlie manage to get away from them in the nick of time and avoid turning into Frogger on the highway. And I just love the relationship between Andy and Charlie. David Keith and Drew Barrymore do a pretty good job at playing father and daughter. It shows that Charlie is the only person that he has left in the world and he would do anything to protect her. While the two of them are hiding out at a motel, we get another flashback…
"Please, don't let there be a lot of flashbacks in this movie. Don't worry, I'm trying to stay sober here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get another flashback, where we see that Andy and Vicky are now married and they're now raising their daughter Charlie. Andy let's Charlie test out her pyrokinesis on a piece of bread and turning it into toast, but it doesn't go to well when she burns it.
Andy McGee: Now, you've got to learn to control that. You gotta try real hard. Okay?
Charlie McGee: I couldn't help it.
"Now Charlie, you do know that I don't like my toast burnt." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Vicky tells Charlie that it's time for her to go to bed, but Charlie wants to set stuff on fire again. But Charlie throws a little temper tantrum and sets her mother's hands on fire. Boy, luckily she had on her oven mitts.
"Powered by emotions, who is she, Raven?" Brian asked, referencing the Teen Titans character.
(Vicky puts the fire out in the kitchen sink while Andy checks on on her)
Charlie McGee: (Crying) I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't mean it.
Andy McGee: Well, you did it! You hurt your mother.
Charlie McGee: I'm sorry, Mommy.
Vicky McGee: It's all right. Mommy's all right.
Andy McGee: Charlie, you have got to control this thing, because it's a bad thing, you understand me? A bad thing!
"Yeah, try explaining that to Spencer Shay. He tends to set everything on fire." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also get another flashback where we see that Andy returns home to find his wife Vicky, who was murdered by the evil government guys and the same guys try to abduct Charlie at his neighbor's house and he confronts them.
Blinded Agent #1 (Played by Robert Miano): (Points his gun at Andy) Okay, that's far enough.
(Andy uses his powers on the agent)
Andy McGee: Drop the gun. Drop it.
(The agent drops his gun. Andy then turns to the other agent who put Charlie in the van)
Andy McGee: Bring her to me.
(The other agent brings an unconscious Charlie over to Andy)
Andy McGee: You're blind.
(Andy uses his powers on the agent to blind him)
Blinded Agent #2 (Played by Leon Rippy): Ahh! My eyes!
(Andy turns his attention to the other agent)
Andy McGee: You too, you son of a bitch. You killed my wife. You're blind.
(Andy blinds the other agent. The agent screams)
Sean: (V/O as Blinded Agent #1) My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
Brian: (V/O as Blinded Agent #2) Christ, I think he just showed us Maximum Overdrive just to blind us! The son of a bitch!
"The downside to using that power so much, gives him bad headaches." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Longmont, Virginia, which is the location of the secret government agency known as The Shop, they're the ones who sponsored the experiment and we're introduced to the head of The Shop, Captain James Hollister played by Martin Sheen and he has a little meeting with fellow agent and assassin John Rainbird, played brilliantly by the late George C. Scott and with Dr. Wanless as well.
Captain James Hollister (Played by Martin Sheen): Ah, the good doctor. What do you want, Joe?
Dr. Joseph Wanless: Have you caught them yet?
Captain James Hollister: We'll catch 'em. What do you want?
Dr. Joseph Wanless: What do I always want? Why do I stay alive? To try to persuade you to sanction them both, expunge them, wipe them from the face of the earth. (Sighs) Andrew McGee and his daughter constitute the greatest threat that's ever confronted this nation.
Captain James Hollister: That's a lot of crap.
Dr. Joseph Wanless: You feel guilt!
"Hey, he didn't feel any guilt when he was trying to hold that baby as a human shield." Sean said, referencing The Dead Zone as a clip from the movie plays, showing Greg Stillson grabbing Sarah's baby and using him as a human shield.
Sean: (Narrating) Martin Brenner over here is pissed at Captain Hollister because eight out of ten of their volunteers have died or committed suicide because of their little experiment. He then explains to him that Lot-6 was nothing more than a synthetic copy of pituitary extract. More like a powerful painkiller hallucinogen.
Dr. Joseph Wanless: You see… This pituitary extract is responsible for the occasional flashes of psi ability, which most human beings demonstrate from time to time. Precognition, telekinesis, mental domination, the kind of domination that this experiment brought out in Andrew McGee.
John Rainbird (Played by George C. Scott): What is the point, Doctor?
Dr. Joseph Wanless: Ever since this child was born, her father has been trying to inhibit her use of those powers. But- But what if his control has weakened now?
"I don't know, just shoot him." Sean said.
Dr. Joseph Wanless: Suppose we have a child here who someday is capable of creating a nuclear explosion simply by the power of her will.
Captain James Hollister: (Laughing) That's insane.
Dr. Joseph Wanless: Is it? Is it?
"Yeah, laugh it up, President Bartlet. Because she might end up using that power on you before you even star in The West Wing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Hollister then asks what if he could train this little girl and others and they could create more powerful weapons on their enemies. But Dr. Wanless is against the idea and he will go above his head to have him and the Shop eliminated.
John Rainbird: An excitable man.
(Captain Hollister nods his head at Rainbird. Rainbird nods back)
"Yeah, I know that nod. It's that nod meaning that you're going to do something to this guy to keep him from opening his big mouth shut. Trust me, I know that nod." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Andy and Charlie are looking for a place to lay low and try to send letters to important newspapers and hopefully The Shop will back away from them. And speaking of The Shop, they are on their tail. Luckily, Andy and Charlie are picked up by a kind farmer named Irv Manders, played by Art Carney. He offers to take the two of them 10 miles closer to Knoxville.
(We cut to two of the agents changing a tire to their car as Irv drives past them until one of the agents recognize them)
Knowles (Played by Dick Warlock): (After he spots them) Hey, Al. Al, it's them! It's them!
Steinowitz (Played by Jeff Ramsey): You're joking.
Knowles: No, damn it, it's them.
Steinowitz: Did you get the number?
Knowles: Yeah, I got it.
"And they end up getting spotted by Dick Warlock of all people. What is it with this guy spotting people?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get a cameo from the movie's screenwriter. (We see the movie's screenwriter, Stanley Mann, playing the motel owner) Yes, that's Stanley Mann. The Shop are now on their tail. Anyway, Irv takes Andy and Charlie to his home and he introduces them to his wife Norma, played by Louise Fletcher.
Norma Manders (Played by Louise Fletcher): Who'd you bring home, Irv?
Irv Manders (Played by Art Carney): This little girl is Roberta. This young fella here's her daddy. I didn't catch his name yet, so I don't know if we're related.
Andrew McGee: (Chuckles) Frank Burton, ma'am.
"I'm related to Jack Burton. In fact, he's the good-looking brother in my family." Sean said as a picture of Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) So Irv invites Andy and Charlie for lunch and after Charlie has a big appetite after she almost blurts out about her mother. Norma takes Charlie out to see the chickens while him and Andy, I mean "Frank", have a little talk and have a beer. In this case, tell Mr. Manders the truth over a beer. In which he does.
Irv Manders: Cops after you, Andy?
Andrew McGee: Sort of cops, yeah.
Irv Manders: You snatch that little girl from her poor mother?
Andrew McGee: (Drinks his beer) No, she's my daughter, but, uh, her mother didn't set the cops on us. Her mother's been dead for a year.
Irv Manders: Don't appear like you got her against her will. What do they want you for anyway, Andy?
"They want him for starring in a little movie that the Cinema Snob reviewed." Sean said as a poster for the 1982 movie An Officer and a Gentleman is shown "No, not that one. It was released a year after An Officer and a Gentleman."
Then, a poster for the 1983 film The Lords of Discipline is shown.
"No, it was released the same year as The Lords of Discipline." Sean said, before turning to his left, only to see a poster for the 1995 film Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain that popped up next to him before turning to the camera in disgust. "Seriously?! Ugh, play the clip."
(A clip from the 1983 film "Independence Day" is shown, featuring the character Nancy Morgan, played by Dianne Wiest, getting ready to light a match)
Les Morgan (Played by Cliff De Young): You're crazy.
(Les runs over to his wife Nancy to stop her. She lights the match, which ends up blowing up the house, killing them both)
Sean: (Narrating) Andy explains to Irv that the shop, a.k.a. the DSI, Department of Scientific Intelligence, are after him and Charlie and why they want to examine her and study her. But Andy thinks that they want to use her to reprogram the Lot-6 program. Charlie is not too keen on her daddy telling the truth to people, but then her Jedi senses are tingling when she senses The Shop coming after them, and things start to heat up, literally.
Charlie McGee: I think they're gonna kill you, Daddy. We have to run, we have to hide, we have to…
(The temperature on the thermometer goes up. We see that Irv is starting to sweat and the butter starts to melt)
Charlie McGee: Yes, yes, that's what they want to do. They want to kill you. Kill you like they did Mommy and take me away. I won't let it happen. I won't!
Irv Manders: (Sees the thermometer) Holy Jesus Christ. Did she do that?
Andrew McGee: (Tries to calm Charlie down) Charlie, now, watch what you're doin'. Is it too late?
Charlie McGee: Yes, they're coming up the dirt road now. Daddy, I'm scared.
Andrew McGee: Charlie, you can stop 'em.
Charlie McGee: If I do something bad, will you still love me?
"Oh, please. You've done some bad things in your life when you were a teenager. But I still love you, Drew." Sean said, referring to Drew Barrymore's rebellious teenage years.
Sean: (Narrating) As The Shop arrives, Irv is ready to stand with them and Andy and Charlie go outside to deal with the evil agents.
Orville Jamieson: Hi, Andy. Hi, Charlie. Honey, you don't have to run anymore.
Charlie McGee: Go away.
Orville Jamieson: Afraid I can't do that, honey. I have my orders. No one wants to hurt you or your daddy.
Charlie McGee: You liar, you're supposed to kill him, and I know it.
Andrew McGee: I'd advise you do what my daughter says. I mean, you know why she's wanted. Remember the soldier at the airport.
"Uh, yeah. He suffered a case of hot foot. He's not dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Irv steps out of the house with his rifle to get ready for a heated arms race on his land, but then the heat is on when Charlie's temper starts to heat up. A couple of agents grab Andy and shoot at Irv, this causes Charlie to get really mad.
(Foreigner's Hot Blooded plays as Charlie sets three of the agents on fire before turning her attention to Jamieson)
Orville Jamieson: No, don't.
(Charlie clenches her fists)
Orville Jamieson: No, don't!
(Charlie uses her powers to set Jamieson on fire. Jamieson sees that his arm is on fire)
Orville Jamieson: No! Don't!
(Jamieson screams while he is set on fire as Bates looks on in horror)
Sean: (V/O as Jamieson) NOOOOO! That was a new suit! Help me! I'm burning up!
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Taylor walking around the woods until they smell something burning)
Taylor: (Sniffs) What's that smell?
Sean: (Sniffs) I don't know. Smells like fried chicken. And steak.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just love how Dick Warlock's hair gets set on fire and he freaks out about it. What? Did it turn into a Pepsi commercial for him and all of a sudden he turns into Michael Jackson.
(The words "Dated Joke!" pops up on the screen)
"Oh, shut up! It was the best thing that I could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Charlie starts going to town on those guys by blowing up their vehicles and setting them on fire, which makes them go running for their lives. Boy, with so much explosions going around, you must think that this was a film produced by Menahem Golan and directed by Michael Bay. So Andy calms Charlie down before she ends up doing more damage. With the two of them on the run, Andy and Charlie find a safe place to hide out at, which is a secluded cabin in the lake. And I just love Tangerine Dream's soundtrack for the movie. It kinda reminds me of John Carpenter and Alan Howarth's music score, if John Carpenter directed the movie. So with the two of them being safe… for now, we cut back to The Shop, where we see that Dr. Wanless is busy sleeping.
(Dr. Wanless wakes up from a twig in his face. He wakes up to see John Rainbird standing over him)
"Well, geez. John Rainbird went so low as to pull a childish prank on Dr. Wanless. Why don't you stick his hand in a pot of water and cause him to piss in his bed?" Sean asked.
(Rainbird smiles at Dr. Wanless. Dr. Wanless gasps until Rainbird karate chops him in the face, breaking his nose and killing him)
We cut back to Sean, who starts laughing hysterically from the ridiculous death scene.
"Oh, sweet Jesus. What are you doing to me, movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) That is the most silliest and insane death scene I have ever seen in my life. Not only he wakes him up by waving a twig in his face. He wakes up and sees him standing over him with a smile on a face, he's like, "Take a look at this face, because this is the last face you're ever gonna see.".
"Oh, and." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...breaks his nose with the most deadliest karate chop ever.
"Goddamn it. Can you show me something that's not too ridiculous?" Sean asked.
(Next, we're shown and elderly couple, played by Laurens Moore and Anne Fitzgibbon, in a store spying on Andy and Charlie mailing some letters)
Old Lady (Played by Anne Fitzgibbon): Do you have a phone here?
Proprietor (Played by William Alspaugh): (Points to the phone) Right over here.
(The old lady walks over to the phone and dials a number before cutting to Captain Hollister)
Old Lady: (On the phone) They're here. They mailed some letters.
Captain James Hollister: All right, good deal.
Sean is now at a loss for words. "Okay, I didn't realize that Ma and Pa Kettle are a bunch of snitches for The Shop. What the sweet hell am I watching here anyway?"
Sean: (Narrating) Rainbird tells Captain Hollister that he'll bring them here and he knows how capable Charlie is, so he offers to bring her to The Shop so they could do all of their tests on her, but on one condition.
John Rainbird: On the condition that you give her to me for disposal when you're finished with her.
Captain James Hollister: What?
John Rainbird: I want her when you've finished with her.
Captain James Hollister: You are mad.
John Rainbird: (Laughs) How right you are.
"Dude, this is George C. Scott you're dealing with here. He played a villain in a Disney movie." Sean said as a photo of Percival C. McLeach from The Rescuers Down Under is shown.
John Rainbird: You sit here making plans for controlling a force that's beyond your comprehension. A force that belongs only to the gods themselves.
Captain James Hollister: What the hell are you talking about?
John Rainbird: Things I'm sure you wouldn't want the world to know.
Captain James Hollister: What's to stop me from having you erased right here and now?
"Because he's the best damn character in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rainbird goes after Charlie and her father and he takes a sniping position to get a clear shot on them. As they leave the cabin and prepare to head down to the offices of the New York Times, Rainbird shoots Charlie with a tranquilizer dart to knock her out and he shoots Andy with a dart as well. So him and the rest of the government agents from E.T. capture Andy and Charlie and bring them to the shop.
"But the only tragedy here is this…. THE POOR TEDDY BEAR!" Sean cried out.
(We cut to a shot of Charlie's teddy bear floating in the lake)
"Oh, the horror. The horror!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Andy are taken to The Shop and Andy wakes up to be restrained by some DSI orderlies and meets a scientist named Dr. Pynchot, played by Moses Gunn.
"Oh, son of a bitch. Yes, the same guy who played the old director that Bill Cosby's daughter was going to marry in Leonard Part 6." Sean said.
Dr. Pynchot (Played by Moses Gunn): I'm going to make sure you're treated well here. (Smiles at Andy)
Andrew McGee: Is this The Shop?
Dr. Pynchot: This is The Shop. (Smiles evily)
"Now let me make my evil scientist smile." Sean said, imitating Dr. Pynchot with an evil smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie, on the other hand, isn't happy to be in The Shop as she tries to look for a way out until Captain Hollister comes in and tries to charm her with some hot chocolate.
Charlie McGee: Where's my daddy?
Captain James Hollister: I brought you some cocoa.
(Captain Hollister enters the room and tries to offer Charlie some hot cocoa)
Charlie McGee: I don't want anything.
Captain James Hollister: There's nothing to be afraid of. Here. (Sips the cup of cocoa) You see? Go on. Well, maybe later. (Sits the tray of hot cocoa on the coffee table) I've been looking forward to meeting you for a long time. I know you may not believe this, but I've actually begun to think of you as my own daughter.
"Yeah. As your own daughter that you can have your own father-daughter argument with." Sean said.
(A clip from The West Wing is shown)
Josiah Bartlet (Played by Martin Sheen): (To Zoe) Because this country no longer has a commander in chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda WITH A GUN TO HER HEAD! DO YOU GET IT?!
Zoe Bartlet (Played by Elizabeth Moss): Yes.
Charlie McGee: What have you done to my father?
Captain James Hollister: He's resting, and he's fine, just like you. And he knows you're all right, and he sends his love, and he wants you to cooperate with us.
(A clip from Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders is shown)
Shaggy (Voiced by Scott Innes): Like, it's too late for that, man.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie tells Captain Hollister to go to Hell, but the good Captain here is interested in her pyrokinetic ability and him and the other scientists wants to see how far she can take it, if she just cooperate with them. But she just wants to see her father. So Hollister leaves her alone so she could use her abilities on her cocoa.
(Charlie uses her powers on the cup of cocoa, causing it to heat up and bubble)
Charlie McGee: Just back off. Back off. No! You're not gonna do it. Back off!
(The cocoa stops bubbling)
"Dude, do something before she goes full Eleven on your ass." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rainbird pretends to be a friendly orderly named "John" in order to gain Charlie's trust and… (Sees that Charlie is playing the ColecoVision game system) holy pickles! Charlie's playing the ColecoVision! That's kick-ass.
John Rainbird: My name's John. They call you Charlie, don't they?
(Charlie continues to play her game and ignores "John")
John Rainbird: (Chuckling) Hey… hey. You want to teach me how to play that? 'Cause I'm terrible at games. You can beat me all the time.
Charlie McGee: No.
"Boy, she takes her gaming seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Andy questions Captain Hollister and Dr. Pynchot about his daughter and he wants to see her. But they'll let him do the tests and he agrees so he can see Charlie. So, Captain Hollister sends one of his men to be one of the test subjects for Andy.
Andrew McGee: Did they tell you anything about, uh… what we're supposed to be doing in here?
Agent: All they told me was to come talk to ya.
Andrew McGee: You look nervous. Thirsty? Want some water?
Agent: Yeah, I'm thirsty.
(The agent pours himself a glass of water until Andy tries to use his powers on him
Agent: You know, they mentioned something about a test.
Andrew McGee: Uh-huh.
(Andy tries to use his powers on the agent, but no effect)
Andrew McGee: Why don't you put some ink in it?
"Really? You think that the dude is going to fall for that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, he doesn't. Mostly because of the medication that Dr. Pynchot has been giving him that's been making his powers decrease. We then cut back to Rainbird putting on an eyepatch to look like a pirate and he tries to befriend Charlie. That is until the power goes out from the storm and he starts to freak out in the dark.
John Rainbird: Hey! Let me out!
Charlie McGee: What's the matter?
John Rainbird: Let us out! Hey! There's people in here!
Charlie McGee: Stop it. We're okay. I mean, aren't we?
John Rainbird: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just… It's just… the dark. I can't stand it. (Whimpering)
"Boy, for the most deadliest assassin, you sure are whiny, little…." Sean said.
(A clip from The Exorcist III is shown)
Lt. Kinderman (Played by George C. Scott): WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH?!
"Yah! Sorry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) John encourages Charlie to submit to the tests in order for her to see her father. So, we see her submit to the tests by burning some firewood.
Charlie McGee: Wood chips. They should've given me something harder.
"That's what she said!" Sean exclaimed and bursts out laughing.
(Charlie uses her powers to burn the wood chip, setting them on fire and causes the tray to fling back at the two-way mirror as the scientist runs out of the room)
Captain James Hollister: She did it! By God, she did it, and we got it all on tape! (Claps)
Charlie McGee: (Trying to control her powers) Back off. Just back off. Back off.
(The tub filled with water is set on fire)
Captain James Hollister: Look at the tub.
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Spencer Shay (Played by Jerry Trainor): How could that even happen?!
"Yeah, I have no words. We've just witnessed some fire on top of water in a tub. Yeah, we've just went borderline silly here. More like Spencer Shay silly because how could you start a fire in the tub?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Hollister gets caught up in all of the excitement from seeing what she's done and getting it all on tape.
Dr. Pynchot: We got her to do it by promising she could see her father again.
Captain James Hollister: Well, so what?
Dr. Pynchot: She must never see him.
John Rainbird: We never intended to let her.
Dr. Pynchot: She'll never stop asking for it. Suppose by some strange accident, they get together.
Captain James Hollister: Suppose they do.
"Then it'll be one hell of a nuclear explosion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Hollister goes to visit Andy to give him some medication, then after he leaves it's revealed that Andy has been faking the acceptance of his drugs so his powers have never decreased. Then, things slow down a bit as we see "John" and Charlie go on a horse ride.
"Come on, enough of this boring stuff! I want to see her set shit on fire. Can we see that?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Charlie doing another one of the tests being conducted by The Shop. Which involves her trying to use her powers on a concrete brick wall)
DSI Scientist #1: The temperature in the testing room should be minus 15 degrees Fahrenheit. Plus or minus five degrees.
DSI Scientist #2: It's 105 in there.
(The wall is set on fire)
Dr. Pynchot: The blocks are starting to burn.
(Another clip from iCarly is shown)
Freddie Benson (Played by Nathan Kress): (Sighs) Man, it's already getting hot in here again.
Sam Puckett (Played by Jennette McCurdy): I know. My pits are getting moister. (Feels her arm pit)
(Flames begin to burst on the cinder blocks as she sets them on fire. Her powers begin to intensify and the temperature goes up. Charlie continues to use her powers until the cinder blocks explodes)
"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed.
(Charlie turns her attention to the blocks of ice)
Charlie McGee: Back off. Just back off.
(Flames start to burst around the blocks of ice, melting it)
Charlie McGee: (Trying to control her powers) Back off. Just back off.
(Charlie keeps her powers under control as the water stops boiling)
Charlie McGee: I want to see my father!
"I think you better see her father now. You just saw how capable she is. She will definitely go full Eleven on your asses." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their little experiment, Captain Hollister speaks with Dr. Pynchot and Rainbird on the set of The West Wing about Charlie and the arrangements with Andy. Then, Rainbird tells Captain Hollister what he plans on doing to Charlie when he gives her to him.
John Rainbird: He will strike her across the bridge of the nose, breaking it explosively, and sending bone fragments into her brain. It'll be quick, and he'll be looking at her face at the time. He will know her power. And when he dies, which I hope is very soon, perhaps he can take that power with him into the other world.
(Captain Hollister finishes his drink and grabs his jacket from off of the back of the chair before leaving the office)
Captain James Hollister: You are crazy.
"Yeah, crazy and the best damn villain ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Captain Hollister tells Andy that he've made arrangements for him to fly to Hawaii. And he uses his powers to make Hollister drop his guard and tells him that his daughter is coming along and he gives her a note to meet him. So, she tells "John" that she's supposed to meet him at the stables at 8pm. Later at night…
"Okay, this better make an explosive climax because we're in for a real treat." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rainbird is in the stables to get ready to kill Charlie, Charlie and another agent enter the stables to meet with her father, but she ends up scaring off the agent by burning his hand. After he leaves, John gets Charlie's attention until her father shows up. But their reunion is cut short when Andy tells her the truth about John and she sees his true colors.
Charlie McGee: It isn't true, is it?
John Rainbird: Yes, it's true.
Andrew McGee: Where are you, you son of a bitch?
Charlie McGee: You tricked me, you lied to me.
John Rainbird: No, I just mixed up the truth a little, Charlie. And I did it to save your life.
Charlie McGee: (Shouting) You get down here before I set everything on fire, 'cause I can do it!
John Rainbird: Oh, I know you can. But if you do, you're gonna burn up an awful lot of horses.
"You don't want that to happen, do you? Peta will be all over our asses." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rainbird tells Charlie that he will not kill her father if she comes to him. Andy tells Captain Hollister to kill Rainbird while he saves Charlie. Rainbird shoots Hollister in the head that you could see some of his hair all over the ground.
"Try watching that in slow motion and you'll see." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Andy uses his powers on Rainbird to make him leap to the ground and break his leg, but Rainbird fatally wounds Andy by shooting him in the neck. And now Rainbird wants to finish the job by taking Charlie out.
John Rainbird: (Points his gun at Charlie) I love you, Charlie.
(Charlie uses her powers as Rainbird shoots at her. She causes the bullet to explode, engulfing Rainbird in the ensuing fire, killing him)
John Rainbird: I love you! (Screams while he's on fire)
"Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine." Sean said as the DVD cover of the miniseries sequel Firestarter: Rekindled is shown. "Oh, crapola. Like how can he survive that? And he's now played by Malcolm McDowell? This is nuts."
Sean: (Narrating) And now we come to the best part of the movie. The Shop is on high alert as they surround the stables. Andy, in his dying breath, tells Charlie to burn it all down to the ground. She frees some of the horses out of the stables and she takes out Dr. Pynchot with a fireball. And yeah, what a surprise to see Dick Warlock alive after he has his hair set on fire. So yeah, it's people caught on fire and fireballs galore! And my god, that scene is awesome just to see Charlie unleashing her power on The Shop. Also, you have the security team's smart idea to shoot at a little girl who wants to kill them. And let's not forget about this part.
(Bates shoots at Charlie and misses)
(Another clip from iCarly is shown)
Carly Shay (Played by Miranda Cosgrove): Oh, no.
Freddie Benson: Poor guy.
Bates: No… Stop… No! No!
(Charlie hurls a fireball at Bates. The fireball hits him and sends him flying into a tree)
"We did it! We've found the most ridiculous death scene in a Stephen King movie!" Sean exclaimed. "There was death by a Coca-Cola machine in The Tommyknockers, cop kabob in Sleepwalkers and now death by fireball that sends you flinging into a tree."
Sean: (Narrating) With a bunch of fireballs and tons of explosions, Charlie wrecks them up and leaves the property. She hitchhikes back to the Manders' farm and Charlie and Irv head to New York City to tell her story to the media.
Charlie McGee: I'm doing it, Daddy. I love you.
"Man, I friggin' love this movie!" Sean exclaimed. "No, seriously. I love this movie."
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This film is amazing. I loved every minute of it. It can be slow at times but when things start to kick off, it really shows the intensity, with a bunch of pyrotechnic effects without the use of CGI and it gives us one hell of an explosive climax. Out of all of the Stephen King movies that I've watched when I was young, I find this to be an underrated gem and I still enjoy it to this day. I love the acting, I love the special effects, I love the writing, I love the music, I love everything about it. This is one Stephen King movie that you should check out, coming in at 4 flaming fireballs out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Halloween Havoc has just begun. Play me off, Foreigner!" Sean exclaimed.
(The song "Hot Blooded" plays in the background while Sean starts dancing)
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You mind waiting till I put my feet out.
And that is all for the review of Firestarter for Halloween Havoc IV. I hope that you all enjoyed the review and the great start to Halloween Havoc IV. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Halloween Havoc IV continues when Sean takes a look at the final chapter of the Scream trilogy, before it became a 4-parter, before the franchise relaunched. And that movie is Scream 3. Did the movie match or surpass the first two films? We'll find out next time. Make sure you review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.