The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Halloween Havoc IV continues as Sean takes a look at another movie from director Wes Craven. And that movie is the 1989 supernatural thriller Shocker. Is this movie an underrated gem from Wes Craven or is it a forgotten gem? Well, let's tune in and find out. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Shocker is owned by Universal Pictures, Alive Films and Carolco International.
Halloween Havoc IV Part III: Wes Craven's Shocker
The show opens with a YouTube representative sitting in his office looking through different videos to see if they're appropriate or not before demonetizing it.
"Hmm. No. No. No. No. This video has excessive language and scenes of gore. We can't show that. This guy is getting demonetized." The YouTube representative said before turning his attention to the camera. "Oh, hi. As a representative of YouTube… it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent monetizing of certain videos, especially this review for Halloween Havoc… has been toned down. That means there will be no raunchy sex or senseless violence or foul Decker Shado language. So, sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free…"
A killer in a hockey mask appears behind the YouTube representative, armed with a knife as he starts stabbing the man in the back repeatedly.
"AAAH! What the fuck…. AAAAH! For Christ's sake…. OH! Jesus Christ!" The YouTube representative screamed out while being stabbed in the back repeatedly.
The killer stabs the representative once more as he plunges the knife in his back, killing him.
"AAAAHHHHH! Shit…" The YouTube representative said before dying.
The killer removes his hockey mask to reveal his identity.
He is revealed to be our residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic.
"There. Now that this idiot has been taken care of let's enjoy some senseless violence and excessive language for tonight's review." Sean said with a smile on his face before kicking the YouTube representative's corpse and leaves his office.
(The 2021 Halloween Havoc intro is shown: the graves in the Nostalgia Cemetery are as follows: "Crystal Pepsi", "Danny Bonaduce's Dignity", "RoboCop on Xbox" and "Murphy Brown Reboot"; the Simpsons couch gag in Sean and Taylor's house shows Sean dressed as Freddy Kruger and Lucas dressed as Jason Voorhees sitting on the couch as Sean turns on the TV with the Nintendo Power Glove)
We open on Sean as we see him sitting on the couch flipping through channel to channel as he tries to look for something to watch on TV. He flips through TeenNick, which they were showing the iOMG episode of iCarly, where it shows the Seddie kiss.
"Oh, brother." Sean said.
He changes the channel once more, this time he changes it to HBO, which they were showing Batman & Robin.
Batman: Bat-Credit Card. (Whips out the Bat-Credit Card) Never leave the cave without it.
"Ewww." Sean shuddered a bit as he changes the channel once more. This time, he changes it to an episode of Cheers on the Hallmark Channel, which is the Bar Wars episode from season six.
"All right. Cheers. Man, this episode is a classic. The sheep in Rebecca's office. Man, that had me cracking up." Sean said.
Rebecca Howe: There are sheep in my office!
The TV changes to a bald man in an orange prison jumpsuit. The man looked menacing and he had burns on the top of his head as he glares at Sean.
"What the hell? Why is there a creepy bald guy on TV?" Sean asked. "Man, so much for me watching TV."
He turns the television off before turning his attention towards the camera to begin his signature introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said.
(Cut to a shot of Wes Craven and some of his movies like A Nightmare on Elm Street, the Scream franchise, Deadly Friend, The Serpent and the Rainbow and The People Under the Stairs)
Sean: (Narrating) Wes Craven has given us some great films over the years. We all know him for some of his best films ever like A Nightmare on Elm Street and the Scream movies. But what about some of his lesser-known movies? You know, films like Deadly Friend, The Serpent and the Rainbow and The People Under the Stairs. What about them? But there is one Wes Craven film that we tend to come across and watch it.
"And boy, do I have a good one to talk about here. Hell, I am legit giddy and I cannot contain my giddiness" Sean said as he chuckles excitedly. "This might be the best Wes Craven film. Hell, it might be better than A Nightmare on Elm Street, better than The People Under the Stairs, better than Scream which had the Fonz screaming like a bitch while getting stabbed to death by Ghostface. That is an accomplishment! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Shocker."
(The title screen for the movie "Shocker" is shown as well as clips from the movie while the song "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Megadeth plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on October 27th, 1989, Wes Craven has established a pretty good reputation and with the Nightmare on Elm Street series still going strong and his recent success with The Serpent and the Rainbow, Craven and Alive Films, the same studio that brought us the two John Carpenter movies Prince of Darkness and They Live. Craven and producer Shep Gordon got together to create what they hoped to be the first film in a successful franchise. But instead, it had a mediocre run at the box office and never received a follow-up of any kind. But the movie had a decent cult following. Was the studio right to pull the plug or was this movie really good and the fans deserve a follow-up to this film?
"Well, let's crank up the juice, this is Shocker." Sean said. "I'm so excited!"
(The movie opens with an unseen man walking with a limp working on something in his workshop)
Sean: (Narrating) So the movie begins as we see some unseen guy cobbling something up in a dingy old workshop and… huh? Wait a minute.
"Hold on one second." Sean said as he stops the movie and opens his Blu-Ray player to check to see if he's playing the right movie. He then checks the Blu-Ray disc and sees that he's playing the movie Shocker instead of A Nightmare on Elm Street. "Hmm, this says "Shocker" and I'm playing "Shocker". Then why the hell does it feel like I'm watching A Nightmare on Elm Street?"
Sean: (Narrating) Wow, trying to rip-off one of your own movies, huh Craven? Well, aside from the opening credits, we get a taste of the movie's awesome soundtrack and man, the soundtrack is the best part about this movie.
(The song "Shocker" by The Dudes of Wrath plays during the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, look who's the music supervisor for this movie. We're graced with the greatest credit ever put on any film anywhere aside from music by AC/DC in Maximum Overdrive.
(The Hallelujah chorus plays as "Musical Supervision by DESMOND CHILD" appears)
"From the songwriter who gave us great hits like Kiss's "I Was Made for Lovin' You", Joan Jett & the Blackhearts' "I Hate Myself for Loving You", Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" and "Livin' on a Prayer" and Alice Cooper's "Poison", Desmond Child has graced us with the greatest soundtrack ever with this awesome song that he's written for the movie. For this kick-ass song, I should give him a kiss for that song!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see a news report showing a victim being pulled away on a stretcher. By the way, that's Heather Langenkamp as the victim. Yep, Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street. We learn from the news report that there's been several murders in the area and we're introduced to our main character of the movie Jonathan Parker, played by Peter Berg, who's a college football star.
(Jonathan changes the channel to a football game)
Counterperson (Played by Jessica Craven): Jonathan?
Jonathan Parker (Played by Peter Berg): Schneider caught five touchdowns against Dallas last night. What are you watching this crud for? Where's my Coke?
Sean: (V/O as Doreen) Here's your Coke. It's the New Coke with the Bill Cosby flavor added to it, you dick.
Sean: (Narrating) He's so good at playing football that he kindly informs us that he's good.
Jonathan Parker: I'm very good.
"Well, thanks for letting us know that you're very good." Sean said.
(Jonathan gets tackled by another football player)
"Oh, yeah. He was just busy checking out that hot blonde. What happened to you being very good?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan's coach berates him for not staying in training and getting distracted by hot chicks and seeing how he clumsily plays and a triple concussion is enough for him for one day, so the coach sends him home with his girlfriend Alison, played by Cami Cooper.
Jonathan Parker: Do I know you?
Alison (Played by Cami Cooper): Alison. Alison Clement? I sit next to you in chemistry. We've been going out on and off for a year. You once told me you wanted me to bare your children.
Jonathan Parker: Did you?
Alison: Did I what?
Jonathan Parker: Did you bare my children? I mean, maybe we…
Alison: We haven't had children yet. We haven't even slept together.
Jonathan Parker: That's good. I wanna be respected as a person first.
"Aww, we have the sweet, caring girlfriend that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Oh, I'm sure that she'll survive this movie." Sean said as the castle thunder sound effect is heard in the background as well as some evil laughter.
Sean: (Narrating) Things are going quite normal while Jonathan and Alison are walking home, but then things start to get weird when Jonathan starts sensing something when he stops by his foster home, only to find a TV repair van outside and his foster brother dead in the living room. He hears screams coming from upstairs as Jonathan rushes upstairs to save his foster mother and his foster sister from the knife-wielding madman.
Diane Parker (Played by Virginia Morris): Jonathan, help us!
(The killer pushes Diane against the wall and turns his attention to Jonathan)
Jonathan Parker: You get away from her.
(The killer with the limp starts walking over towards Jonathan)
Killer (Played by Mitch Pileggi): What are you doing here, dipshit? Do you wanna watch?
Diane Parker: Jonathan, do something!
"Yeah, dude. Do something. Don't just stand there like a complete idiot." Sean said.
(A clip from Spaceballs is shown)
President Skroob (Played by Mel Brooks): (To Dark Helmet) Do something.
Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): (To Colonel Sandurz) Do something!
Colonel Sandurz (Played by George Wyner): DO SOMETHING!
Killer: Do you wanna watch? Watch this
Diane Parker: Get him out of here!
Jonathan Parker: Diane!
Killer: Come on!
(Jonathan charges at the killer and jumps into his body. He soon then wakes up in bed next to Alison)
Jonathan Parker: No!
Alison: Jonathan, are you okay?
"No, I'm not alright, Alison. I just had a nightmare about starring in a horrible Adam Sandler movie." Sean said, imitating Jonathan while referring to his portrayer starring in the 1989 Adam Sandler movie Going Overboard.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, that whole thing turned out to be a dream…
"...or was it?" Sean asked as suspenseful music plays.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan gets a phone call from his foster family and as soon as he heads over there to his home, surprise, surprise, his foster family has been indeed murdered. He tries to comfort his foster father Lt. Don Parker, played by Michael Murphy, but he seems inconsolable at the death of his wife and children.
Jonathan Parker: Bobby? Sally and Mom?
Lt. Don Parker (Played by Michael Murphy): They're all gone. I tried to tell you, there's nothing you can do here.
"Boy, he seems a little distraught at the death of his family." Sean said.
Lt. Don Parker: They're all gone. I tried to tell you, there's nothing you can do here.
"Come on, dude. I know that you're supposed to be in shock about the death of your family. How about showing a little emotion here? Do some yelling and screaming. Hell, I've seen better reactions from Markiplier when he rages from playing Getting Over It." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the funeral, Jonathan invites his father for a drink at a bar and to tell him that he dreamt of the murders.
Jonathan Parker: I dreamt of the murders, Don. Just the way they happened.
Lt. Don Parker: Things like this happen, people get bad dreams. I had a few of my own lately.
"I had a bad dream that Sam Puckett was my partner and she was beating up a suspect with a butter sock. I mean, who carries around a butter sock?" Sean said, imitating Don.
Jonathan Parker: Don, no, I dreamt of it the night it happened. Before you called me. I saw what happened in the house.
(The cuckoo clock sound effect plays in the background)
Lt. Don Parker: You don't know what happened in that house. You don't wanna know.
"Hmm, let's see. You have a recent tragedy, a teenage kid, his dad and clear evidence of the supernatural with him having a psychic link to the killer. Oh, Christ. What is it with these characters having psychic links to killers in these movies? Hell, I had to deal with that in Halloween 5… which was released the same year as this movie. Oh, sweet hell!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, if only this guy would think that his own son would be on drugs…
Lt. Don Parker: Hey, what the hell's with you? Are you on drugs, or what?
"Because really, you would think that your own son who has a goddamn psychic link to a psychotic killer would be on drugs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan asks his father if he found any tracks of a van in front of the house and he tells him that he saw it and he saw him and he saw his name on the van and he knows where he works. Hell, he even convinces his dad to check it out and tag along as well. So, they head down to investigate it with a few other officers.
"Uh, the guy killed your family less than a week and you're still in charge of the case. Also, you're letting your only surviving family member tagging along with you and you could probably know that he might end up getting killed. Maybe you're the one that's on drugs, mister." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they check out Pinker's TV Repair and find that every station is turned to some Vietnam war footage. Also, since it's a horror film, it's time for the body count to rise.
Jonathan Parker: Jesus Christ.
(Jonathan and Don looks down at the floor to see a pool of blood oozing from the other side of the room)
Lt. Don Parker: Call for backup.
(The other officer looks shocked when he sees the pool of blood)
Lt. Don Parker: (Yells) Call for backup!
"This room might be filled with blood! We're headed for Shining territory! Grab the ponchos because I do not want to get blood all over my new suit!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Don once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Horace Pinker, played by Mitch Pileggi, steals the dead cop's uniform and kills two more officers while Jonathan and his father check out his secret room, which is filled with animal carcasses hanging in the room. They leave only to find Pinker drive off laughing and find some more of Lt. Parker's officers murdered by the maniac and he's not taking it pretty well.
Jonathan Parker: I can find him again.
Lt. Don Parker: (Angrily) Hey, You stay out of this! This is my business, police business! And this fucker just killed four of my men! You think you can mess with a guy like that? Now you get the hell home and let me deal with this!
"Boy, about time that you showed some emotion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In one scene, you act distraught at the death of your family. But when four of your men get killed, you get extremely livid.
"Let's play these two scenes back to back, shall we." Sean said.
(The two scenes mentioned are shown once more)
Lt. Don Parker: They're all gone. I tried to tell you, there's nothing you can do here./Hey, You stay out of this! This is my business, police business! And this fucker just killed four of my men! You think you can mess with a guy like that? Now you get the hell home and let me deal with this!
"Yeah, I'm gonna need you to work on your emotions, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, after being identified by Jonathan, Pinker wants vengeance and decides to after Jonathan. Meanwhile, Jonathan gets ready to head out for football practice before saying his goodbyes to Alison and give her a little gift for her birthday.
Alison: Jonathan, in the middle of all this I can't believe you'd even remember.
(Alison opens the gift box, revealing a heart-shaped necklace)
"Oh, great. We're going for the whole special gift so it's more tragic when she dies-thing. What's next? You're going to say to her, "thanks for sticking around."?" Sean asked.
Jonathan Parker: Thanks for sticking around.
"Oh, Christ. Then she'll say that she's happy." Sean said.
Alison: I'm happy.
"Goddamn it. Would you stop it already?! Jesus Christ. Look, whatever you do, do not say "Jonathan Parker, I love you so much." Just don't say it." Sean said.
Alison: Jonathan Parker, I love you so much.
"SONUVABITCH! You just signed your own death warrant, blondie. You're dead. I don't care how young and nubile you are, I don't care how sexy you are, it's curtains for you. You have the words "Dead Girl" written on top of your forehead. You're dead, you hear me? De…" Sean said.
(After Jonathan leaves, Pinker appears and kills Alison)
"See? I told you. "Dead Girl" written on top of your forehead." Sean said. "You know, you should've prayed to God to keep you safe instead of him."
Alison: Please God, keep him safe.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Jonathan comes home from practice to find out that Alison is dead as shit. Boy, the idiot cops were kind enough to let him wander through the crime scene. Nice job, guys. No wonder you guys are portrayed as idiots in horror movies. During Alison's funeral, Jonathan says his goodbyes to Alison.
Jonathan Parker: Baby.
(Jonathan kisses Alison)
Jonathan Parker: I'll love you forever.
"Oh, baby. I'll love you forever. Just let me kiss you, even though you'll taste dead." Sean said, imitating Jonathan.
Sean: (Narrating) After the funeral, Jonathan enlists the help of his buddy Rhino, played by Richard Brooks, to track Pinker down again. He has another psychic to where he's gonna strike next and he succeeds. They head down to the area where he's at and he goes to deal with him alone, only for his father to follow him to the location.
Jonathan Parker: What are you doing here?
Lt. Don Parker: My job. What are you doing here?
"Didn't I tell you that this is my business, police business?" Sean asked, imitating Don.
Sean: (Narrating) They head inside to confront Pinker, who's holding a woman at knifepoint.
Lt. Don Parker: You bastard. I'll blow your head off.
Horace Pinker: Go ahead! Take your best shot! She won't mind!
"Wow, so this is what Walter Skinner has been doing in his spare time." Sean said as a picture of Mitch Pileggi as Walter Skinner from The X-Files is shown next to a photo of him as Horace Pinker in Shocker.
Horace Pinker: I see you had to bring Daddy along, huh?
(Jonathan stays silent)
Horace Pinker: Hey, you boys hungry down there? Huh, you hungry? Well, eat this!
"Okay, may I just take a moment to say this? Horace Pinker is the best fucking thing about this movie." Sean said.
(Scenes featuring Mitch Pileggi as Horace Pinker are shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the movie's awesome soundtrack, Horace Pinker is… the (picture of) Freddy Kruger of this movie. He's very menacing, nasty and mean. And also hilarious as well.
Horace Pinker: Well, I'm fine, boys. Just fine. (Laughing) Let's get on with the killing.
Sean: (Narrating) He's also a wanted criminal. Not for killing Lt. Parker's family, not for killing Jonathan's girlfriend, not for mass murder, but because he steals every single scene in this movie.
Horace Pinker: And how clever you were grabbing that gun and shooting me right through the fucking knee, you little peckerhead!
"I can see why he's the best part of the movie, he chews up the scenery." Sean laughs. "Also, this guy is obsessed with Satanism and the occult, which leads him to kill mass amounts of people for black magic rituals."
Horace Pinker: You like killing, too, squirt? It's in the blood. You and me, we're killers.
"And, he's played brilliantly by Mitch Pileggi." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. For those of you who are fans of The X-Files, you'll definitely recognize him as Walter Skinner. In this movie, he played of being a scary psychopath very well and he had a lot of fun playing the character. If they want to make a Freddy vs. Pinker movie, then I would be down to see that.
"Hey, make it happen, guys. That is one epic death battle that we would love to see." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Pinker makes a run for it while Jonathan and the cops chase after him. Jonathan jumps over to the next roof and the two of them duke it out. But before Pinker could kill Jonathan, Lt. Parker and the cops show up and they arrest Pinker.
Horace Pinker: And by the way, boy, she died real hard, you know? Your girlfriend? (Laughing)
Jonathan Parker: I'll see you dead, you son of a bitch!
"Wow, Freddy Kruger never thought of taunting someone about killing their loved one. But Pinker has the balls to do so and he's enjoying it every bit. God, I love the guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Don tries to calm Jonathan down and he tells him if he wants Pinker gone, then let the State do it for you. By frying his ass in the electric chair and Jonathan wants to be there when he fries.
Jonathan Parker: If they give him the chair, I wanna be there.
Lt. Don Parker: Don't be crazy. It's over. Now let it go.
Jonathan Parker: I wanna see him die, Don. I've earned it. I wanna see him die.
Lt. Don Parker: Yeah, maybe we've both earned it. I'll get box seats.
"Well, that's the perfect father-son activity right there. Watching a madman fry in the electric chair. Afterwards, they could roast marshmallows over his burning body." Sean said. "That reminds me, I was busy looking for something good to watch on TV."
Sean grabs the remote to the television to turn it on. Suddenly, a person covered in static climbs from out of the television.
"What the hell?" Sean looked in shock.
The TV static clears from the bald man in the orange prison jumpsuit. The man is revealed to be Horace Pinker.
"Looks like you've released me from my prison, Archer! Allow me to introduce myself, you little piss-ant." Horace said.
"Yeah, I know you. You're Horace Pinker, a mass murderer who disguises himself as a TV repairman and kills people. Why were you in my TV and what are you doing here in my room?" Sean asked.
"Oh, you know why I'm here, boy. I'm here to make your life a living hell." Horace said.
"Look, all I want to do is to find something to watch on TV. Right now, they're showing an iCarly marathon, Cheers and God forbid Batman & Robin. I'm planning on watching the second season of The Baby-Sitter's Club on Netflix." Sean said.
"Oh, don't you dare change it to a streaming service. Do you know what you're doing to the cable companies?" Horace asked.
"Oh, Christ. Are you here to kill me because I have Hulu, Netflix, Disney Plus, Tubi, Paramount Plus, Prime Video, HBO Max and Peacock?" Sean asked.
"What the? You have those streaming services?" Horace asked.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, cable is finished. Streaming services are in. And with streaming services, you don't have to pay a lot as cable. Cable costs too…" Sean said, but gets interrupted by Horace holding a knife to his throat.
"Don't you dare finish it, you little fucker! Don't you dare!" Horace yelled out.
"Please don't kill me, Mr. Pinker! I have a review to work on." Sean said.
"Fine. Continue your review. I'll kill you later." Horace said, moving the knife away from Sean.
"Let's move on." Sean said, looking at the camera in fear.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Horace Pinker's execution, where we're treated to Megadeth's awesome cover of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper. How, fucking kick-ass is that? FUCKING MEGADETH RULES! We see that everyone has arrived to see the execution including Jonathan and Lt. Parker. As the guards and a priest walk down to Pinker's cell, they witness something strange going on when Pinker does this.
(Pinker is electrocuting himself with jumper cables connecting to the television set)
"Okay, are going for Wes Craven's Deadly Friend-levels of goofy or Wes Craven's People Under the Stairs-level of goofy?" Sean asked.
(The words "People Under the Stairs-Goofiness" is shown on screen)
"Ah, there we go." Sean said.
Horace Pinker: Come on, give it to me!
(An evil mouth covered in static appears from out of the television)
Evil Mouth (Played by Michael Matthews): You got it, baby.
(Pinker is zapped with electricity)
"Boy, the 3D-version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show looks so lifelike." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The guards try to revive Pinker, but with him doing so much scenery chewing, he decides to start on the guards.
(As the guard gives Pinker mouth-to-mouth, Pinker bites the man's lower lip. The other guard tries to release his partner until Pinker frees him and bites the other guard's fingers off and spits them out)
Horace Pinker: Finger-licking good. (Laughs)
"Okay, either him, Warwick Davis from Leprechaun 2 and Joe Keery from Stranger Things are a tie-in to be the next spokesperson for KFC. Let's play those three scenes back to back to see who has the best "Finger-licking good" line." Sean said.
(A clip from Shocker plays)
Horace Pinker: Finger-licking good. (Laughs)
"Okay, he adds the laugh to it and he's definitely enjoying it. He's good. He's real good. Let's see the leprechaun's line." Sean said.
(A clip from Leprechaun 2 plays)
Leprechaun (Played by Warwick Davis): (After licking the talent agent's finger) Finger-licking good.
"Okay, pretty good. Digging the Irish accent too. Alright, Steve Harrington. Let's see what you got." Sean said.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Steve Harrington (Played by Joe Keery): (After eating some KFC) It's finger lickin' good.
"Yeah, pick which one's the best. I would love to see that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The guards restrain Pinker the best way possible by beating the shit out of him before they strap him into the electric chair. But before they electrocute him, Pinker reveals a shocking revelation to Jonathan.
Horace Pinker: (To Jonathan) Your pitiful little memory's wiped it all out, hasn't it? I used to beat you good, boy. I was beating you good when your mama tried to stop me with a gun.
Lt. Don Parker: (Gets up from out of his seat and shouts) You shut your mouth, you fuck!
(Horace laughs)
Horace Pinker: That's right. I was beating you real good when your mama tried to stop me with that gun that she brought into our happy home.
(Don and Jonathan look at each other)
"Yeah. I kinda left a little something out about Jonathan. When he was 7, he was found beaten and near death when he was just 7 years old and Lt. Parker and his wife adopted him. Well, turns out that his biological father was Horace Pinker and the reason why Pinker is walking with a limp is because he shot him in the knee. Guess he had to find out right before they kill him."
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, while watching the scene, don't you all wish that he said this line in the movie?"
(A clip from the Shocker trailer is shown)
Horace Pinker: No more Mr. Nice Guy.
"You all wanted it to happen. Don't act like you didn't want him to say that line." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they electrocute Pinker and fry his ass to oblivion. They do succeed in frying him, he ends up coming back to life.
"I swear, if he acts like Brion James from The Horror Show…" Sean said.
(A sound clip from The Horror Show plays while Pinker is still alive)
Max Jenke (Played by Brion James): All that did was give me a hard-on.
"Okay, now that I've mentioned The Horror Show, that movie was released the same year as Shocker and they ripped off Shocker. You have the obsessed cop going after a mass murderer and catches him. Killer gets executed in the electric chair and comes back to life and starts killing people. Yeah, same premise. This is like Deepstar Six ripping off Leviathan and those two movies were released in theaters in 1989." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, something goes wrong during Pinker's execution as the doctor checks on him, then gets a shock to her system which causes a brief blackout and he escapes, leaving the doctor injured.
(Jonathan enters the chamber and closes the door behind him, revealing Pinker as his body falls to the floor)
Jonathan Parker: Oh, Christ.
"Wow, that's one place that you idiots didn't even think of looking." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Pinker's body burns up and turns to ash… hey, I wasn't serious about roasting marshmallows over him. But Jesus. So, with the villain dead and gone at the 45 minute mark. I guess that it's time for everyone to celebrate, but Jonathan has that weird feeling when his psychic powers keep pointing to the doctor. Well, I'm sure it's just nothing.
(The doctor attacks one of the cops)
Pastori (Played by Vincent Guastafero): What the hell are you doing?
Doctor (Played by Janne Peters): Just feel like a little head, sport.
(The doctor breaks the cops neck and twists his head, then turns her attention towards Pastori, causing him to drive uncontrollably and crash into a tanker truck as Jonathan and Don witness the explosion from the distance)
"Goddamn backseat drivers. They tend to give you unwanted advice while you're busy driving." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They head down to the scene of the explosion as Jonathan can't shake the feeling that Pinker is still alive. Also, Pastori survives the explosion as well. Later that night, Jonathan gets a visit from Alison's spirit.
Alison: You've gotta stop him, Jonathan.
Jonathan Parker: Pinker. Alison, he's gone. He's dead.
Alison: He's learning how to move. He's gonna be uncatchable soon. It'll be slaughter.
Jonathan Parker: Alison, he's gone. I stopped him.
"I saw his body burn to a crisp. Don and I were roasting marshmallows over him while he was still on fire. Plus, you're getting blood all over the floor and I just had the bathroom cleaned." Sean said, imitating Jonathan.
Sean: (Narrating) Alison tells Jonathan that Pinker is still alive and he's on the move and he's gotta stop him and the only way to stop him is to use the necklace that he gave her, but Jonathan is too freaked out about seeing his dead girlfriend bloody and being clingy in front of him.
Alison: Hold me. I'm so cold, Jonathan. Hold me.
Jonathan Parker: Stop, Alison. You gotta stop!
"You know, I've had clingy girlfriends before, but none of them returned from the grave and be that clingy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan wakes up and sees that Alison has left him her necklace. The next morning, Jonathan is busy packing some of his things and tries to relax, but then he gets a visit from Pastori, who…
(Pastori pulls out his revolver and starts shooting at the door)
"Jesus Christ!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so here's where it gets silly: before he got executed, Pinker made a deal with the Devil and it has given him the power to jump from body to body and you could tell which body he's in because they develop Pinker's limp and some of his colorful language.
Pastori: You shut your fucking face, shithead!/Then eat this, asshole!
"Yeah…" Sean said.
(Posters for Child's Play and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) ...this movie has gone into Child's Play and Jason Goes to Hell territory.
"Throw in some aspects of Quantum Leap with Pinker as that person and we're all set." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The possessed Pastori shoots Jonathan in the arm and continues to act like a Stormtrooper by shooting all over the place and missing him. But, it isn't long until Pastori's body wears out and then he pleads for help.
Pastori: Jonathan, help me, please.
Jonathan Parker: Pastori?
Pastori: How did I get out of the hospital? Oh, Jesus, help me.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Admiral Akbar: It's a trap!
(Pastori, who's still possessed, pulls out another gun from out of his ankle and starts shooting at Jonathan)
"Man, I cannot believe that he fell for the oldest trick in the book. Making you think that he's alright, but then he tries to kill you. I mean, how many times have we've seen this in movies?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then the possessed Pastori tries to kill Jonathan, then he ends up shooting a jogger, with Pinker transferring his soul into the jogger. Then, the possessed jogger transfers Pinker's soul into, and I'm not shitting you, into a little girl.
(The little girl, possessed by Pinker's soul, spits on the dead jogger and limps to a bulldozer. She hops on and starts it up)
Little Girl (Played by Lindsay Parker): Come on, you fucker! Move!
"Oh, we're still in People Under the Stairs-Goofiness territory here, guys." Sean laughs. "Plus, this reminds me of the scene from Problem Child 2 where Trixie crashes the wedding while driving in a bulldozer. Hell, I think the writers of Problem Child 2 were inspired by this movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan comes across the dead jogger at a construction site and the little girl, who's possessed by Pinker, tries to kill him with a bulldozer.
"Oh, Christ. How can I be intimidated by this? It's a little girl trying to kill the director of Friday Night Lights with a fucking bulldozer. How could anyone not find this funny?" Sean asks while laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a brief, one-sided chase and brings the little girl down and uses Alison's necklace to drive Pinker out and then he possesses the little girl's mother and a road worker, played by Kane Roberts, Alice Cooper's former guitarist. And he chucks the necklace into the ocean and gets ready to kill Jonathan.
Road Worker (Played by Kane Roberts): How do you like this body, Jonathan?
(Jonathan kicks the possessed road worker in the face)
"Boy, for you possessing people, you sure do suck at trying to kill your victim." Sean said.
"What was that, you little shit-cock?" Horace asked, glaring at Sean.
"Nothing. Nothing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since his Lt. Parker thinks that his son has gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Jonathan turns to the only people he could trust his buddy Rhino, his coach Cooper played by Sam Scarber respectively and Pac Man, played by Sam Raimi's brother Ted Raimi.
Cooper (Played by Sam Scarber): Well then, let's go just grab the fucker then.
Rhino: And break his neck. I'd love to break his neck.
Jonathan Parker: You can't do it that directly, Rhino, or you'd be killing whoever it is that he's inside of, that's the whole point.
Cooper: Then, why don't you just do like you said you did with this cop? I mean, you can outrun anybody Pinker gets into and then, when they're out of energy Pinker's just forced out. Then we'll break his neck.
"Yeah, that's not how it'll work. You do realize that he can touch you by transferring his soul into you and possess you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since killing an innocent person and outrunning Pinker is a terrible plan, Jonathan throws out a plan that could actually work, which involves some diving equipment and him and Rhino go to the lake and wait while Cooper and Pac Man go to Jonathan's house to grab the gear.
"Seriously? You're just gonna send the black guy and the nerd out to your house where something bad might happen to them? Oh, yeah. I'm sure that nothing bad will happen to them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan and Rhino have been waiting for over an hour for Cooper and Pac Man to show up, so Jonathan decided to go back to his house by himself and Rhino is not too happy about this.
Rhino: Fuck you, you need a friend. That's Rhino, that's the deal. What are you, God? Hey!
(Jonathan tries to punch Rhino. Rhino grabs Jonathan and puts him in a headlock)
Rhino: You know what I could do to you if I wanted to, right?
"Dude, listen to him. You don't want him to break your neck. Or put you in court. He was an Assistant District Attorney." Sean said, referring to the character Paul Robinette from Law & Order.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan convinces Rhino to stay behind and he heads back to his house to see what's taking Cooper and Pac Man so long. So, he heads inside, only to find that Cooper is now possessed by Pinker and he tries to kill him.
Jonathan Parker: Coach, please, not you!
Horace Pinker: (V/O) Coach Cooper's bye-bye, asshole. Oh, and the closet, don't look. I made a mess on the floor.
(Jonathan turns to the closet and walks over towards it to find his scuba mask laying on the floor in a pool of blood. He turns the closet light on and Pac Man's dead body falls on Jonathan)
"Oh, man. What? No love for Ted Raimi? Come on, he was Joxer the Mighty in Xena the Warrior Princess." Sean said as a picture of the character Joxer the Mighty is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Cooper bursts through the door like he's the Kool-Aid Man and as he gets ready to kill Jonathan, Alison's spirit shows up to tell Cooper to fight Pinker and not let him take his soul.
Jonathan Parker: Coach, it's like you say, I know you're in there! Everything is a matter of will. Will him out.
(Pinker tries to kill Jonathan but Cooper stops him and tries to will him out)
Cooper: Jonathan, he's too strong. I can't will him out.
Alison: Yes, you can.
(Cooper stabs himself in the hand, but it cuts to Jonathan and Alison's spirit)
Cooper: (With Pinker's voice) I can eat this wimp's will power for breakfast, Jon-bo!
Jonathan Parker: Coach.
Cooper: No!
(Cooper stabs himself in the chest, killing himself)
Jonathan Parker: No!
"Well, there goes the one black guy in this horror movie. Yeah, I know there's another black guy in this movie and it's Rhino, but still." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Pinker leaves Cooper's body and with him running low on energy, he tries to possess Jonathan, but is unable to do so because of Alison's presence.
Horace Pinker: Get out of my way, bitch. I need a body.
Alison: Go back to hell where you belong, Pinker.
(Alison fires a beam of light on Pinker, hurting him a bit)
"Yeah, never mess with a hot spirit, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Pinker then lucks out and discovers that he is able to jump into power sources other than the human body.
(Pinker sticks his fingers into the wall socket, creating a surge of electricity surrounding him)
Horace Pinker: Contact!
(Pinker zaps himself into the wall socket)
(A clip from Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is shown)
Freddy Krueger (Played by Robert Englund): Now I'm playing with power!
"Don't you dare!" Sean yelled out. "I haven't reviewed that movie yet."
Sean: (Narrating) Lt. Parker and a few officers show up and since Jonathan's place has some dead bodies lying around and blood and stuff. Thinking that his foster son is a killer, Lt. Parker takes him in for custody. Oh, yeah. Then, he does this.
(Don picks up the lamp and sits it on the table. He turns it on and gets a brief shock)
Lt. Don Parker: Shit. What is it with the electricity around here?
"Dude, the name of the movie is called "Shocker". Hence, why this movie is dealing with electricity. Duh." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Jonathan is sitting in the back of the police car, he notices something a little off about Don when he notices his foster father walking with a familiar limp, realizing that he's been possessed by Pinker.
"And you could tell because Michael Murphy is giving his creepy-ass smile." Sean said.
(A shot of Lt. Parker smiling creepily is shown next to a photo of The Joker from Batman '89)
Sean: (Narrating) Why couldn't they have cast him as The Joker for Batman. Hell, he would be scary as hell with that smile. But luckily, Rhino is there to save Jonathan in the nick of time and Pinker, possessing Lt. Parker, chases Jonathan with some hard rock music playing throughout the scene)
Jonathan Parker: Don, you gotta fight him.
Lt. Don Parker: Eat shit and die, you little fuck!
(Shoots at Jonathan and misses)
Jonathan Parker: That's nice.
"I'm gonna kill you before you even direct that shitty Battleship movie." Sean said, imitating Lt. Don Parker while firing his pistol.
Sean: (Narrating) Don chases Jonathan to the top of the TV station and they climb on top of a tower…
"Okay, are you sure that this isn't Pinker's doing or is Lt. Parker being a complete dick?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lt. Parker starts to have a heart attack and he falls and hangs onto a TV satellite dish. Realizing that he has an opportunity, Pinker ditches Lt. Parker's and links himself to the TV network.
"Ha! I told you I'm gonna be nationwide, asshole!" Pinker shouted.
"Will you shut up, goddamn it?!" Sean asked. "I'm trying to do my review here."
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan saves Don, and I could clearly see the wire on Michael Murphy. (Arrow points to the wire) After he pulls him up, Lt. Parker tells Jonathan how he willed him out.
Jonathan Parker: Donnie, I never even knew you had a bad heart.
Lt. Don Parker: I don't. I knew that. You knew that but Pinker didn't.
"Remember kids, if you want to get a psycho killer from out of your body, just simply fake a heart attack like Fred Sanford." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Pinker still on the loose and murdering another family while they were in their house watching TV, Jonathan is released from prison.
"Okay, I'm sure that the family was watching Sam & Cat at the time, so…" Sean said.
"What's wrong with Sam & Cat? What? You don't like Sam & Cat? Hey, I happen to love Sam & Cat. It just fucking sucks that it only lasted one season! iCarly lasted for six seasons and Victorious only lasted for four seasons, so why couldn't they give it a second season?!" Pinker ranted.
"Because the show sucked! It sucked like Pinky, Elmyra & The Brain!" Sean yelled out.
"You take back what you say about Sam & Cat, you little ass-goblin or I'm cutting off your giblets." Pinker threatened.
"Uh… mo...moving on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan calls the rest of his team for help to bring down Pinker once and for all, so he sends his Rhino and his friends down to the power plant while he gets in touch with a local news network and having them set up a live feed in the home where his foster family was killed. Once all that is set up, Jonathan heads down to the lake to retrieve Alison's necklace and this is where I get creeped out.
(The Jaws theme plays as Alison pops up from out of the water and touches Jonathan)
Alison: Jonathan.
(Jonathan screams and swims away. He continues to swim away and stops until Alison approaches him)
Alison: Jonathan.
(Jonathan screams and swims away once more)
We then cut to an outside shot of Sean's house before witnessing Sean running out of the house screaming while he runs down the block and knocking one of his neighbors out of his way.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting scared by Alison, Jonathan does all of this in the dream world. And he also gets freaky with her in his dream.
"Man, he's gonna have one hell of a wet dream." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Pinker climbs out of the television all staticy as Jonathan's loved ones tells him to wake up, in which he does.
TV Evangelist (Played by Dr. Timothy Leary): Beware! Beware of the beast! He's among you! Prepare! Check your perimeter! Check your perimeter! Check your perimeter! Check your perimeter!
"Man, I knew I shouldn't have changed it to Jerry Falwell." Sean said, imitating Jonathan.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Chairry from Pee-Wee's Playhouse starts grabbing onto him and Pinker pops up to kill Jonathan, all the while giving out electric puns.
Horace Pinker: This Barcalounger's gonna kick your ass, boy./It's hard to outrun Reddy Kilowatt, asshole./Come on, boy, let's take a ride in my Voltswagen.
Sean then turns to Pinker and gives him a look.
"What?" Pinker asked while petting Sean's cat Riley.
"Really? Electric puns. Is that what you've come up with?" Sean asked.
"Hey, I'm trying to make it fresh here." Pinker said.
"And you better put my cat down. I swear, if you do anything to harm her, that knife will be shoved up your ass, buddy." Sean said as Pinker puts Riley down.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan uses Alison's necklace against Pinker, making him weak against the power of love, as the psycho killer jumps into the television and Jonathan follows him. And what we get here is the most memorable moment of the movie, Jonathan and Pinker having an epic battle across television as the two of them struggle to take one another down for good.
"And my God, is it a lot of fun to watch." Sean said.
(Jonathan and Pinker appear on the news. Jonathan rolls away as Pinker tries to hit him. Pinker looks at the camera and balls up a piece of paper)
Horace Pinker: And that's the way it is.
(Pinker jumps over the news desk and runs away)
TV Newscaster (Played by John Tesh): Did you get that?
"Oh, that's it. I'm gonna work on "Roundball Rock" for NBA on NBC. Christ, I left Entertainment Tonight for this shit?" Sean asked, imitating John Tesh.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, they even pop up in Leave it to Beaver, Frankenstein, an Alice Cooper music video and even a boxing match. It's also pretty funny too. I get a good laugh from seeing Jonathan flying around and screaming during the nuclear explosion and also when him and Pinker pop out of the television and start fighting in front of a family while the mother is busy fussing at them while the father is asking where's the cheese spread and we also get my favorite line in the movie.
Woman Couch Potato (Played by Marji Martin): I've heard of audience participation shows, but this is ridiculous.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan gets ahold of a remote and manages to put him and Pinker in the room where the TV crew set up earlier. Pinker scares off the TV crew and he gets ready to kill Jonathan after roughing him up a bit.
Horace Pinker: I killed your mama and your little sister here. Right about there. I'll do you here, too. (Kicks Alison's necklace away from Jonathan) Say your prayers, squirt. I'm gonna do you real slow.
"NO HOMO, DUDE!" Sean yelled out.
"I meant kill him, shit-knocker!" Pinker exclaimed.
"Oh. I knew that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since Pinker is a living TV signal by now, Jonathan grabs the remote and screws with him for a bit by going all DVR on his ass before getting down to the real deal.
Jonathan Parker: (Grabs Pinker's knife) At the mercy of some guy's hate. Weapon? Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Horace Pinker: Go ahead, do it. You know you wanna do it. Go ahead, you little pussy, do it.
(Pinker yells as Jonathan throws the knife out the window)
Jonathan Parker: It's not my style.
"Um, you do know that the knife is supposed to go into the guy, right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jonathan has a better idea, though. Since Pinker is now trapped on this station, Rhino and the football team blow the power main, causing the town to blackout. Jonathan manages to get out and Pinker is trapped in his prison. Therefore, happy ending! Pinker is gone for good and the town's power is out and everyone is safe. Jonathan looks up at the beautiful night sky and says his goodbyes to Alison.
Jonathan Parker: Are you there, you see those stars?
Alison: (V/O) Absolutely beautiful.
Jonathan Parker: It sure is.
(Jonathan continues to look at the night sky and smiles as the credits roll and the song "Sword and Stone" by Bonfire plays)
"And that was Wes Craven's Shocker. It's goofy, it's over the top… and I loved every minute of it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Although this movie has some flaws, with some of it's enjoyable over-the-top acting and some visual effects that didn't age well, it's gives this movie a campy B-movie feel to it and I had a lot of fun watching it. It had some moments that freaked me out and it had some moments that made me laugh. The first half of the movie takes itself very seriously with some of its raw emotion. But when we get to the other half, it's where the over-the-top goofiness comes in. The film has some great acting and it's some of the best that I've seen in a Wes Craven movie. Mitch Pileggi is so enjoyable to watch. He's funny, he's whitty, he's scary, he's psychotic and the way he plays off Peter Berg as Jonathan is just excellent. And for those of you who didn't know, Peter Berg is also a director. Yeah, not only he's a damn good actor, he's also a damn good writer/director that he is today with films like Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon, Hancock, The Kingdom, The Rundown, Friday Night Lights and… ugh, Battleship. I loved the chemistry between him and Pileggi. The two of them have a wonderful hero/villain dynamic between them. It reminded me of Nancy and Freddy in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I've had a blast watching Shocker with it's nice edge to it, great acting and an amazing soundtrack. It's a fun little film that'll send 1,000 volts up your ass. Then check this movie out. Wes Craven's Shocker comes in at 5 possessed bodies out of 5.
"And that's all the time we have for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and…" Sean said.
"Wait a minute. You're ending this review?" Pinker asked.
"Uh, yeah." Sean said.
"No fuckin' way. You can't just end this review and move on to the next review." Pinker said.
"Yes, I can. I can do whatever I want because this is my show.." Sean said.
"You said something bad about Sam & Cat. I happen to love Sam & Cat. And now, I'm gonna make you a red smear all over this wall!" Pinker yelled out.
Sean sighed and rolled his eyes in disgust as he grabs the TV remorse from off of the coffee table, pressing the power button on the remote to send Pinker back into the television. The young critic sits the remote down on the table and grabs a Dickinson Ermox Hybrid 12 Gauge shotgun from the side of the couch as he takes aim at the television before he takes a shot at it.
"Wait a minute! You can't do this. Uh, think about this. If you shoot this television, then you'll be missing all of the good shows. Plus, you're gonna have to buy a fancy new TV." Pinker said.
"Oh, really. Well, guess what." Sean said.
"What?" Pinker said.
"You're off the air, Pinker." Sean said.
We cut to black as Sean open fires on the television.
Sean: (V/O) I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time.
(We cut to Sean as we see him sitting on the couch)
"By the way, I love Sam & Cat. I was just acting like I don't care for the show just to piss off Pinker. Puckentine rules! See you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Finger-lickin' good. (Laughs)
And that's all for the review of Wes Craven's Shocker for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed this hilarious new chapter and Sean's confrontation with Horace Pinker. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Halloween Havoc IV continues as Sean takes a look at a Halloween classic. And that movie is the 1993 family comedy Hocus Pocus and he takes on some witches as well. He will be exploring how the movie went from being a Box Office flop to a Halloween favorite that everyone loves. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.