The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's December and you know what that means, right? CHRISTMAS IS COMING! And what better way to start reviewing Christmas stuff is by taking a look at an old Christmas special. Today, Sean kicks off the holiday season by taking a look at one of Rankin-Bass' beloved Christmas specials. And by beloved, I mean a really weird Christmas special from them. That's right, it's the 1979 special Jack Frost. Is it as weird as people say it is or is it a forgotten Christmas classic? Well, grab yourself some hot chocolate and bundle up, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Jack Frost is owned by Rankin-Bass Productions and Warner Bros. Television.
Episode 134
Jack Frost
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, who is seen sitting on the couch in his living room. He is in a rather festive mood while wearing his green Santa suit and tie with a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation t-shirt and his Adidas sneakers. And to complete the ensemble is his "Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal!" hat that lights up. Aside from his festive outfit, his living room was fully decorated with all things Christmas.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Okay, when we think of Rankin-Bass, what is the first thing that come into mind?"
(A picture of Silverhawks and a picture of Thundercats are shown)
"Okay, aside from those two. What is the first thing that pops into your mind?" Sean asked.
(A movie poster for the 1982 film The Last Unicorn is shown)
"Aside from that awesome movie. What is the first thing that pops into your mind?" Sean asked.
(A picture of the animated series The Jackson 5ive is shown)
"What the hell? Was that a thing?" Sean asked. "No, the first thing that pops up into your mind would have to be their holiday specials."
(A montage of clips from various Rankin-Bass holiday specials are shown while the Snow Miser song plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Rankin-Bass Productions. The only thing that I look forward to watching when December comes. When I was a child, I grew up watching some of the old Rankin-Bass holiday specials that I had on tape like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, The Little Drummer Boy, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, The Year Without a Santa Claus and other like The First Christmas Snow, Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, Rudolph's Shiny New Year and The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold… and before you ask, yes, that was a thing. Then, 22 years ago, my Mom got cable and there were some other Christmas specials from Rankin-Bass that I've never even seen or heard of before and I ended up watching them on Fox Family, before it became ABC Family, before they called it Freeform.
"Okay, how many times are they gonna change the name? They should've stuck with Fox Family." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) There were other Rankin-Bass Christmas specials that I had to check out. Specials like The Little Drummer Boy: Book II, Pinocchio's Christmas, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, The Stingiest Man in Town and Frosty's Winter Wonderland. Some of which I own on DVD and sometimes I watch it on AMC since they got the rights to air the Rankin-Bass holiday specials.
"And then there was this little Christmas special from them that I saw… and it was a pretty weird one." Sean said.
(The title screen for the special "Jack Frost" is shown, followed by clips from the special while the theme song plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Aired on NBC in December of 1979, Jack Frost is a weird little Christmas special. Hell, coming from Rankin-Bass, they did give us some weird Christmas specials over the years. This was the same year that Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July aired. Hell, that's a month before Jack Frost. Things got really weird for their specials during the late '70s and early '80s, I think Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass were smoking something. (Pictures of Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold, Pinocchio's Christmas and The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus are shown) And I thought those holiday specials that I've seen were the weirdest out of the bunch but this one is the reigning champ of weirdness. They haven't even released the special on VHS like the others until independent discount home video distributors produced VHS copies and DVD copies of the special and a case of "fair use" creeping up their asses. Then in 2008, Warner Bros., who are current owners of the 1974 Rankin-Bass library, re-released the special as an "official version" on DVD. But is this one of the weirdest Christmas specials that Rankin-Bass has produced or is it another in a long line of forgotten Christmas specials? Well, let's take a closer look to find out.
"Well, let's start off Christmas and grab yourself a bottle of Evan Williams Egg Nog because you're gonna need it. This is Jack Frost." Sean said.
(The special opens with various magazines)
Sean: (Narrating) You can tell that this special is from the '70s is when they have various magazine names flying right towards you. We see that the magazines feature a groundhog named Pardon-Me-Pete. Okay, this aired in 1979, so you gotta have a famous comedian to voice this character. I'm gonna take a guess and say that he's voiced by comedian Buddy Hackett… (A picture of Buddy Hackett is shown) called it!
"Yeah, Little Mermaid fans were surprised to find out that he was voiced by Scuttle." Sean said as a picture of Scuttle from The Little Mermaid is shown. "Hell, my girlfriend was surprised to find out about that."
(The song "Me and My Shadow" starts playing)
Pardon-Me-Pete (Voiced by Buddy Hackett): (Sings) Me and my shadow, strolling near the avenue.
"Okay, are you sure this isn't the 1997 horror film Jack Frost? Because there's a hilarious death scene involving a snowman in the bathtub with a nude Shannon Elizabeth and a carrot." Sean said as a DVD cover of the 1997 film Jack Frost is shown.
(We see Pardon-Me-Pete's shadow appearing next to him)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this, he's friends with his shadow and it follows him around, as we see him appearing to the crowd of people while he checks to see his shadow.
Groundhog Day Television Reporter (Voiced by Dave Garroway): Pardon-Me-Pete is looking around now. Now he's climbing out. Now he's yawning. He adjusts his hat and cracks his knuckles. Wow, what a story.
"Look, if your Christmas special is gonna involve Groundhog Day, at least let it involve Bill Murray repeating the same day over and over again." Sean said as a picture of Bill Murray as the character Phil Connors from the movie Groundhog Day is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Pete's shadow suddenly appears as he heads back into his hole, which is odd for him to cast a shadow because there's no sun out and Pardon-Me-Pete establishes to the viewers that it's a magic shadow, which belongs to Jack Frost and the reason why.
Pardon-Me-Pete: See, Jack and I have this deal every year I pop out. See the shadow, make believe I'm frightened and pop back in again. Then he gets six more weeks of winter fun and I get a bit more shuteye.
"Plus, I've got to binge watch on my favorite shows that I've recorded on the DVR. Let's see. Ah, I still have episodes of Chucky that I gotta watch." Sean said, imitating Pardon-Me-Pete.
Sean: (Narrating) Pete tells the viewers that Jack Frost is invisible, except for his shadow and that nobody has ever seen him, except for the time when he became human. But we'll get to that later, let's listen to the most catchiest song ever.
(The theme song plays)
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Sings) If you try to turn around
Chorus: (Sings) Jack Frost
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Sings) When you hear his icy sound
Chorus: (Sings) Jack Frost
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Sings) He's sure to disappear, but you know Jack Frost is here
(We see some children making a snowman)
"Oh, great. There's a snowman in this one as well. Unless he's played by Michael Keaton, then I'm not fine with that." Sean said as the poster for the 1998 film Jack Frost is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) After that catchy tune during the opening credits, Pardon-Me-Pete continues to tell the tale of Jack Frost and how he became human as we cut to a little town called January Junction, where we see that it's a sad place to live and pumpkin peasants harvesting their crops.
Mama (Voiced by Dee Stratton): Papa, the load is too heavy for them.
Papa (Voiced by Larry Storch): Oh, if only I had a team of horses instead of a dog and a duck.
Sean: (V/O as Mama) And who's idea was it to buy a dog and a duck?
Sean: (V/O as Papa) Shut up. It was all that I could afford, woman.
Sean: (Narrating) Papa, voiced by Larry Storch, shows Mama voiced by Dee Stratton, a copper kaputnik that he hid in his shoe so he'll have something to buy Christmas presents.
Mama: What good is one kaputnik? It takes a hundred of them to make a penny.
"Well, wouldn't be enough for you to buy a decent meal or clothes or get you some horses?" Sean asked.
(Mama and Papa turn their attention to the sound of metal clanking as they see Kubla Kraus riding on his iron horse Klangstomper)
Sean: (Narrating) We see the best character in the special, an evil Cossack king named Kubla Kraus. He's the best character not because he's the villain but he's the villain voiced by the late Paul Frees. (A picture of Paul Frees is shown. Alongside, are the characters that he voiced like Boris Badenov from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, Ludwig Von Drake from Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color, Santa Claus from Frosty the Snowman, Burgermeister Meisterburger from Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, Jack Frost from Frosty's Winter Wonderland, Winterbolt from Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July and K.A.R.R. from Knight Rider are shown as well) Who's work we're all familiar with.
Kubla Kraus (Voiced by Paul Frees): On, Klangstomper, I smell a kaputnik.
"Okay, hearing Paul Frees talking in a Russian accent is the most awesome thing ever." Sean said.
Kubla Kraus: Peasants, give me that kaputnik.
(A metal crane grabs Papa and picks him up)
Papa: What kaputnik, oh, beautiful king of the Cossacks?
(Kubla starts shaking Papa, making the kaputnik fall out from him)
Kubla Kraus: This kaputnik.
"In Soviet Russia, king of the Cossacks steal kaputnik from poor man." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only is this guy the Russian equivalent to Mr. Burns, but he rides an iron horse. Man, these Rankin-Bass Christmas specials are starting to add Steampunk elements to their specials. And this guy has a purpose: being a warrior tyrant that's so hated and anti-social that he single-handedly built a mechanical army to serve him. If you think that he's going to be one of those Rankin-Bass villains that are bad and they end up getting redemption at the end, well he's not. He's not going to get redemption at the end, that's how truly evil he is. Anyway, Kubla Kraus takes Papa's last kaputnik and smashes his pumpkins. Damn, what a bully. And that leaves him depressed.
Papa: We'll have nothing for the holidays.
Mama: Oh, Papa. Soon you'll have money. Ice money.
Papa: Not until…
Sean: (V/O) Whoa, whoa…
"...whoa, whoa. Hold it. Come again." Sean said.
Mama: Soon you'll have money. Ice money.
"Ice money. You do know that there's paper money and coins. You can't make money out of ice. How is it possible that you could make money with ice?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily for them, Jack Frost comes. Yeah, these people believe in him and yet they can't see him. So, winter has come to the town of January Junction after Jack Frost arrives to give them winter, Pardon-Me-Pete explains why the people of January Junction like winter so much, it's because of the ice money.
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Narrating) See, Kubla Kraus took all their real money for taxes. But when Jack Frost came…
(Jack whistles, which makes the water in the fountain freeze)
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Narrating) …first thing he did was to make lots of pretty icicles.
(The next scene cuts to Papa slicing the icicles up into ice coins)
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Narrating) Then the folks took those icicles and slice them up into ice coins. And soon everybody was rich with their, uh, frozen assets. Ha, ha. To coin a phrase. Oops. Pardon me for the pun. And nobody was broke anymore.
"Yeah, but how would robbers deal with ice coins? One minute they're rich, and the next their coins start melting in their bag. One time, two bank robbers blew up a bank filled with ice coins, and they ended up melting the loot. That wasn't a smart idea." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Jack Frost, voiced by Robert Morse, is busy flying around and being close to all the humans so he could be a part of their cheer and joy, until he starts having the hots for Mama and Papa's daughter Elisa, voiced by Debra Clinger.
Papa: Daughter. Why are you headed toward the gate?
Elisa (Voiced by Debra Clinger): I'm going out into the countryside. It's so beautiful with snow, like a Christmas wonderland.
Mama: Christmas is a month away. There must be another reason.
"She's about to star in the Disney movie Midnight Madness." Sean said as a picture of actress Debra Clinger is shown, followed by the poster for the 1980 Walt Disney movie Midnight Madness.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Elisa is a hopeless romantic, waiting for her knight in shining armor and Jack began to think about being human. While Jack is busy stalking Elisa while she busy skating on the ice with the adorable animals, guess who shows up.
(Kubla Kraus arrives on Klangstomper)
Kubla Kraus: Good shortcut, Klangstomper. The water's hard. (Laughs) Forward. On, Klangstomper. On.
(Klangstomper walks on the ice, causing it to break)
"In Soviet Russia, iron horse breaks ice." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Narrating) But the weight of the iron horse and the heat of his boiler caused the ice to break up.
Elisa: Oh, no. Help. Somebody. Help. Help!
We cut back to Sean, who breaks down in laughter from seeing the goofy look of fear on Elisa's face.
"Okay, we've just found the funniest expression right here. That is the look of fear right there. And Jesus, it's so goofy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack swoops in and saves Elisa's life from her turning into an ice cube, she calls him a hero, which makes him very happy. So that makes him want to become human, because lord knows that the first thing he'll do when he becomes human is to boink some ditzy blonde.
(The song "One of a Kind" plays)
Jack Frost (Voiced by Robert Morse): (Sings) The happiness of being me is not what it's cracked up to be. It's lonely being one of a kind. With all the notoriety, the fame that nature gave to me. It's lonely being one of a kind.
"Hey, remember when they made Jack Frost a bad guy in Frosty's Winter Wonderland?" Sean asked as a photo of Jack Frost from Frosty's Winter Wonderland is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack flies home to the kingdom of the winter clouds, which is ruled by Father Winter, also voiced by Paul Frees. And we're introduced to some of Father Winter's assistants as well, like Snip the Snowflake Maker voiced by Don Messick.
Man: (On the Phone) Is this Snip.
Snip (Voiced by Don Messick): Of course this is Snip. Who else would be answering Snip's phone?
Man: I need 10 million for Minneapolis.
Snip: Ten million for Minneapolis? (Groans) But I gotta finish that Moscow order not to mention Alaska, Mount Fuji and January Junction.
"I also got Jellystone Park and Acme Acres on the list as well. Plucky and Yogi have been hounding me to give them snow." Sean said, imitating Snip.
Sean: (Narrating) And in this kingdom, you have the snow gypsies that throws a snowflake down to the town and then you have this adorable little holiday snowflake gypsy named Holly voiced by Dina Lynn. Her job is to see that each flake was kept safe and cold until December 24th. Anyway, Jack arrives and greets Snip to tell him that he has a favor to ask Father Winter.
Snip: You're gonna bother Father Winter with favors? Right in the middle of the busy season?
Jack Frost: Snip, I want to be a human.
Snip: Human? Why, Jack?
Jack Frost: I– I have my reasons.
"I have my reasons. Back off, man! You don't know me. You don't know what I want." Sean said, imitating Jack Frost.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Father Winter finds out about Jack Frost wanting to become human, let's just say that he was livid about it.
Pardon-Me-Pete: In fact, he was as mad as a blizzard.
Father Winter (Also voiced by Paul Frees): Outright insubordination.
Jack Frost: If I am insubordinate, sir, it was you who made me so.
Father Winter: Me? How?
Jack Frost: I'm the only one you sent down among the humans. "Bring joy to their Januarys. Make their Christmases whiter," you ordered. But when I try to share their joy, they can't see or hear me. Why can't I be part of them?
Father Winter: Because you'd be a stranger to their ways. Nobody down there really wants to know Jack Frost.
"Yeah, but you don't know that. Maybe there's somebody that really wants to know Jack Frost. Maybe some cute yet ditzy blonde wants to know him." Sean said as a picture of Leni Loud is shown.
"Not that cute yet ditzy blonde."
Sean: (Narrating) Jack tells Father Winter about Elisa and he pleads him to make his wish come true and…
(The next song plays)
Jack Frost: (Sings) I'd like to be like everyone I see…
"Oh, balls. Why'd you have to make him sing?" Sean asked.
Jack Frost: (Sings) …not special, just an ordinary guy.
"Please stop singing." Sean said.
Jack Frost: (Sings) The happiness of being me is not what it's cracked up to be. It's lonely being one of a kind…
"Martin Short from Santa Clause 3 wouldn't sing. He'll just cause some trouble." Sean said.
Jack Frost: (Sings) It's lonely being one of a kind.
Sean: (V/O as Father Winter) Okay, okay, I get it. It's lonely being you. If I make you human, would you please stop that infernal singing?
Sean: (V/O as Jack Frost) Yes.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Father Winter grants Jack's wish and he'll become human temporarily. Which means that he'll give him a winter of humanity and if by the first sign of spring, he'll truly be human if he ends up getting married and all that good stuff. Anyway, he flies down to January Junction and he becomes human after feeling some human things for the first time.
Jack Frost: All right. A heartbeat. (Touches his nose) An itchy nose. (Laughs) It's wonderful.
Sean: (V/O as Jack Frost) Oh, fuck! I forgot I can't fly! (Screams)
Sean: (Narrating) So Jack lands on a tree branch which bounces him off and he lands on the ground as he comes across Elisa.
Jack Frost: I have words now. I think I almost spoke one. I have bones now. I think I almost broke one.
"And I see there's a cute blonde standing right in front of me and right now…" Sean said, imitating Jack Frost as he looks down. His eyes widened in surprise before turning his attention to the camera. "...and right now I'm experiencing my first erection. I'M GONNA LOVE BEING HUMAN!"
Sean: (Narrating) Jack tries to play it cool but instead he acts like a fool by slipping on the ice and he introduces himself to Elisa.
Elisa: What's your name?
Jack Frost: Jack Fr… oops.
Elisa: "Jack Oops?"
Jack Frost: No. Jack. Snip. I'm Jack Snip, the tailor. See? (Shows Elisa's Snip's scissors)
Elisa: A tailor. We need a tailor in town.
Jack Frost: Well, I need a town to tailor in.
"Well, I got a Taylor in my house and I have sex with her every night." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Thinking that there will be harm coming to Jack Frost, Father Winter send Snip and Holly down by making them become human until the spring. Meanwhile, Elisa invites Jack over to her parents for dinner, where they are serving sliced pumpkin.
"Yeah, that one kaputnik could've helped give you a decent meal, starik." Sean said.
(A/N: Starik means "Old Man" in Russian)
Papa: Eat hearty and curse Kubla Kraus.
Mama: Papa.
Papa: On Christmas, sometimes we share a baloney sandwich. Without the baloney, of course.
"We also have borscht when it gets cold. Without the beets, of course." Sean said, imitating Papa.
Sean: (Narrating) Elsa tells her father that Jack has no place to sleep and they offer him to stay in the attic for the night until he finds a house in the morning. But there are no empty houses in January Junction.
Jack Frost: Then I'll build one.
Mama: With what? Kubla Kraus owns all the timber and the brick.
Jack Frost: But I've got to get a house, a horse, a bag of gold and…
Mama: Kubla Kraus owns the only horse and all the gold. The Cossack king.
Papa: But even the Cossacks couldn't stand him, so they all left.
"Donald Trump would be so proud of him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Kubla Kraus sitting on his throne and since it's a Rankin-Bass cartoon, they've got to give the villain a song.
(The song "There's the Rub" plays)
Kubla Kraus: (Sings) But there are no Cossacks to be king of, there's the rub. There's the rub, there's the rub.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know why he keeps saying "There's the rub", but again that's my favorite part about the song because I get kick from hearing him say that line. Got to give Paul Frees some credit. He nails it like the ultimate badass that he is.
Kubla Kraus: (Sings) I rule with an iron hand. I get whatever I demand. I own the people and the land. So why is it I'm not happy I don't understand.
"Okay, can we hear Paul Frees say "there's the rub" one more time, please?" Sean asked.
Kubla Kraus: (Sings) There's the rub. There's the rub, there's the rub. There's the rub. Rub-a-dub-a-dub-dub-rub.
"Oh, man. Can you imagine Kubla Kraus shopping in a grocery store and he's in the seasonings aisle and looking for the rub. You know he's gonna ask, where's the rub? Where's the rub? Where's the rub? Rub-a-dub-a-dub-dub-rub." Sean said, imitating Kubla Kraus while singing.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, no humans or animals would live with Kubla Kraus. So, he made artificial ones out of iron. He's got an iron horse named Klangstomper, a clockwork butler named Fetchkvetch, an army of Keh-Nights, artificial mice and to top it all off he has a ventriloquist's dummy by the name of Dommy as his sidekick.
Kubla Kraus: Hello, Dommy.
Dommy (Also voiced by Paul Frees): (In a high-pitched voice) Hello, Kubla. Gee, it's swell being here with you.
Kubla Kraus: Dommy, Dommy on my knee, who is handsome as can be?
Dommy: You are, Kubla.
Kubla Kraus: Ha, ha. And, Dommy, who is brave and strong and nice?
Dommy: You are, Kubla.
"In Soviet Russia, powerful Cossack is lonely." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) Learning how powerful and evil Kubla Kraus is, Jack tells Elisa and her parents that he's gotta be overthrown but before he does that, he gets a surprise visit from Snip and Holly, who are now human just like Jack and he introduces them to Elisa.
Jack Frost: These are my friends. This is Holly.
Holly (Voiced by Dina Lynn): How do, please. (Shakes Elisa's finger)
Papa: What is she, an almost?
Mama: She's even too small to be one of Santa's elves.
"It's funny how you say it. But then again, it's a Rankin-Bass cartoon, she's about the size of a doll." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With his friends tagging along with him, they head out the next morning to Kubla Kraus' castle up in Miserable Mountain, by climbing up that mountain, in which Jack is having difficulty doing. But then Kubla sets his sights on Elisa and immediately becomes smitten by her and his plan is to make her fall in love with him and marry him.
Kubla Kraus: (Sings) She is beautiful and therefore I will woo her
Dommy: How can you woo her? She doesn't like you.
"Don't worry about it, Dommy. In Soviet Russia, evil Cossack king has his ways to make attractive woman fall in love with him." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) They give up trying to climb up the slippery mountain as Jack and his friends set up his tailor shop in Papa's house, with Snip and Holly as his assistants. Then on the day before Christmas, some pretty boy knight in golden armor by the name of Sir Raveneau, voiced by Sonny Melendrez, drops by to pay Elisa a visit.
Sir Raveneau Rightfellow (Voiced by Sonny Melendrez): I'm looking for Jack Snip, the tailor?
Snip: A customer?
Elisa: Sir Raveneau Rightfellow, he's come back. Oh, the night in golden armor.
"Geez, she has her sights on this guy. What is it with women going for these types of guys? What? Did he join King Arthur or something?" Sean asked.
(The word "Yes" is shown on the screen)
"Well, great! That's great! She's one of those ladies who go for the handsome knights in shining armor and he's in the way of Jack's blossoming romance with her." Sean said.
Jack Frost: Well, Sir Raveneau, I can't mend armor.
Sir Raveneau Rightfellow: It's my cape that needs mending.
Elisa: I'm certain Mr. Snip will consider it an honor.
(Sir Raveneau hands Elisa his cape)
Sir Raveneau Rightfellow: I'll call for you– I mean, for my cape tomorrow. (Kisses her hand) And Merry Christmas to you all.
"Who the hell does this guy think he is? That's Jack Frost's woman you're macking on, asshole!" Sean exclaimed. "God, that's how I felt about Carly dating Wes in the iCarly reboot. She was supposed to go for Freddie! That pretty boy is in the way of Creddie!"
Sean: (Narrating) The next day is Christmas Day in the town of January Junction and because everybody is poor in the town, they give each other dream presents, in which one person gave it to another and the person who got it dreamed or made believe it was…
(The song "Just What I Always Wanted" begins)
Jack Frost: (Sings) You shouldn't have, you didn't. Oh, my, oh, my. I really don't deserve it, I think I'll cry…
"Oh, God! Not another song!" Sean growled angrily.
Jack Frost: It's just what I always wanted. It's perfectly right. It's just what I always wanted, a Christmas delight.
"Yeah, I think I need a drink." Sean said.
The young critic grabs his Christmas mug and a bottle of Evan Williams Egg Nog from off of the coffee table as he pours some in his mug before taking a drink while trying to deal with the song.
"Man, that's some good alcoholic egg nog." Sean said.
All: (Sings) It's just what she always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what she always wanted. A Christmas delight.
"Oh, come on! You guys expect me to join in on your little sing-a-long? You want me to join in? Fine, I will! I get me and my buddies to join me. Give me the box." Sean said as someone hands him a box.
Sean: (Sings) A very comfy sweater. Oh, my, oh, my. I'll wear it in the evening. I think I'll cry. It's just what I always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what I always wanted. A Christmas delight.
All: It's just what he always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what he always wanted. A Christmas delight.
(Sean hands the dream present to Taylor)
Taylor: (Sings) It's absolutely pretty. Oh, my, oh, my. This nightie really suits me. I think I'll cry. It's just what I always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what I always wanted. A Christmas delight.
All: (Sings) It's just what she always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what she always wanted. A Christmas delight.
(Taylor hands the dream present to Doug Walker a.k.a. the Nostalgia Critic)
"What the hell is this?" Nostalgia Critic asked in confusion.
"Just go with it, Critic." Taylor said.
"Ooooookay." Nostalgia Critic said.
NC: (Sings) Oh, boy. You really shouldn't. Oh, my, oh, my. This color's really perfect. I think I'll cry. It's just what I always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what I always wanted. A Christmas delight.
All: (Sings) It's just what he always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what he always wanted. A Christmas delight.
(Nostalgia Critic hands the dream present to Lucas)
Lucas: (Sings) It's simply too expensive. Oh, my, oh, my. I'll cherish it forever, I think I'll cry. It's just what I always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what I always wanted. A Christmas delight.
(Cut back to the special)
All: (Sings) It's just what we always wanted, it's perfectly right. It's just what we always wanted. A Christmas delight.
Sean: (Narrating) After that song is over, Sir Pretty Boy continues to charm Elisa with an actual gift and what he gave her is a rose. Christ, dude. Couldn't you just let Jack Frost love Elisa? Isn't that so hard? All you did was just give her a rose and ask her to the dance, you cockblocker. Anyway, Dommy surprises Elisa, but it was just a plan for Kubla Kraus to kidnap her and make her his bride.
Kubla Kraus: My eyes are like pools. My lips are like rosebuds.
"My cologne smells like vodka. I'm the sexiest Cossack in Mother Russia." Sean said, imitating Kubla Kraus.
Sean: (Narrating) The family duck spots Elisa getting captured by Kubla Kraus, he warns Jack about it and Sir Raveneau joins them as well to save Elisa from the evil fat Cossack king. Sir Raveneau uses a crossbow to make it up to the castle and fights Kubla's iron army and saves her but he ends up getting caught. As for Jack, Snip and Holly, they end up getting captured by Kubla Kraus and he ends up sending one thousand iron knights to storm January Junction while our heroes are in the dungeon.
Jack Frost: A good snowstorm would stop them in their tracks. I mean, a real once in a lifetime blizzard.
Snip: How, Jack, how? I tried to snip a snowflake the other day just for old time's sake, it turned out to be a doily for the table.
"You know, you could've been thinking of a plan to escape instead of counting the iron army. Now, you're all boned. Great job." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack tries to whistle up a winter, but no use. So instead, he gives up his humanity to save the humans and by whipping up the biggest blizzard ever by freezing Kubla Kraus and his army. Back in January Junction, Elisa is tending to Sir Raveneau, ugh.
Sir Raveneau Rightfellow: We'll be wed when the first blossom shows.
Elisa: Yes. It will be wonderful. Only I wish
Sir Raveneau Rightfellow: What is it, Elisa? Still Jack Snip?
Elisa: I want him to be there. I don't know why. I only knew him for those few weeks. Yet it seemed like I knew him all my life. He was such a sweet good little friend.
"Oh, damn! The ultimate friendzone. That sucks right there. She had to go for the handsome knight. Bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack tried to whistle for more winter, but winter is about to go away when Father Winter tells him about Pardon-Me-Pete, who will come out of hibernation and this gives Jack the opportunity to scare him, but before he does that, Pardon-Me-Pete has a little song to sing. But let's skip that song because I think I've had enough singing for one night. Anyway, let's see Jack Frost screwing with Buddy Hackett.
(Jack pinches Pete)
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Shivers) Brr.
(Jack hides as Pete only sees his shadow on the ground)
Pardon-Me-Pete: Just my shadow. What pinched me with those cold fingers?
(Jack's shadow appears and kicks Pete in the butt)
Pardon-Me-Pete: Ow!
"Oh, great. Pardon-Me-Pete is getting his ass kicked by Peter Pan's shadow." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack uses his magic shadow to scare Pete back into hibernation and winter continues. But Father Winter gives Jack some bad news about winter ending, but Jack asks him to make him human before noon. So he heads back down to Kubla Kraus' castle to try to stop him. Kubla Kraus gets ready to head out, but ends up getting knocked out by the roof.
"In Soviet Russia, rotting roof breaks evil Cossack king." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack, being the old trickster that he is, imitates Dommy's voice and orders the iron knights to walk off the icy mountain to their destruction. Kubla Kraus wakes up and charges at Jack, but falls out from the window and gets blown away by Father Winter. So, he's got a castle, a horse and gold. Now all that's left is a woman to be his bride. But he's too late.
(Jack sees that Elisa is getting ready for her wedding)
Papa: And would you believe a knight for a son-in-law?
Jack Frost: I thought she loved me.
Papa: I never heard her say she loved anyone before Sir Raveneau, except Jack Frost.
"You know, that's what pissed me off about this special, she ends up marrying this asshole instead of Jack. Oh, I so hate you right now, you slut. You ruined Jack's chances at being happy. I hate it when women go for the hot, hunky guys instead of the average, nice guys." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jack becomes a spirit again and heads back home. And that's the story of Jack Frost.
Pardon-Me-Pete: (Yawns): Well, I gotta catch six weeks of shuteye. (Falls asleep and wakes up) Pardon me. Bye.
"And that was the weirdest Rankin-Bass Christmas special ever. Hell, I think Rudolph & Frosty is still the weirdest." Sean said as the DVD cover for Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July is shown.
(Clips from the special are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I guess this special was… fine. When I was young, I wasn't interested in watching it and I got bored with it, but when I got older I got into it more. I will admit it has that Rankin-Bass charm like the other specials and the "Animagic" is still nice, the songs are catchy and the voice talents of Robert Morse, Paul Frees, Don Messick, Buddy Hackett and more are pretty good. It's not a Christmas special that I watch every year but yeah, it's part of a holiday tradition. It's an okay Christmas special with some weird moments. Jack Frost comes in at 3 dream presents out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- There's the rub, there's the rub.
And that was my review of Jack Frost. Wow, I've finished this review really quick since I've started working on it last night. So, what did you think of the new chapter? Any funny moments that you like or were your favorite? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Mayhem Critic Christmas Month continues when Sean and Lucas cover the recently released live-action movie from Nickelodeon, A Loud House Christmas. Is this movie the best live-action attempt of The Loud House? Then after the review of A Loud House Christmas, Sean takes a look at the most hated Home Alone movie, but is our fellow critic on board with the hate train, or does he have anything else to say about it? And that movie is Home Sweet Home Alone. Get ready for that one as well because I have a lot to say about this movie. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have a movie you want me to review or if you want to help me out with a co-review, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.