The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Mayhem Critic Christmas Month continues as Sean and Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever reviews the live-action movie A Loud House Christmas. Did the movie live up to it's expectations? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. A Loud House Christmas is owned by Nickelodeon.
Episode 135
A Loud House Christmas
Today's review opens up with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting down on his favorite sofa wearing a Santa hat with a Chicago Bears sweatshirt, red Rudolph pajama pants, and green sweatsocks. But he's not alone though as sitting on the couch as always was his best friend Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, who was wearing an AC/DC sweatshirt, Homer Simpson pajama pants and Pac-Man sweatsocks. To complete the set, the two also began to sip on alcoholic egg nog from their Flintstone mugs.
"Ho ho ho, everyone. This is Sean The Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips Christmas movies a new one." Sean said, toasting to the camera with his glass.
"And I'm UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, Sean's friend who tells it like it is." Lucas said, toasting his glass as well, "And I'm here because c'mon, it's the holiday season and I figure I gotta make room for this awesome Christmas month that Sean's throwing."
Sean smirked as he said, "Indeed, Lucas. So speaking of which, I think it's about time we talk about one of Nickelodeon's hottest shows there ever is out there today."
(A clip of the SpongeBob SquarePants opening plays.)
Chorus: *singing* Who lives on a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants.
"No, not that one." Sean shook his head.
(A clip of the Hey Arnold opening plays.)
Helga Pataki (voiced by Francesca Marie Smith): *shouting* HEY ARNOLD!
"Not that one, that was from the 90's." Lucas shook his head as well.
(A clip of The Fairly Oddparents opening plays.)
Chorus: *singing* Oddparents. Fairly Oddparents.
Wanda (voiced by Suzanne Blakeshee): Wands and wings!
Cosmo (voiced by Daran Norris): Floaty crowny things!
"Um, that's from the 2000's." Lucas pointed out, "We're talking about something that's hot as of today. The one from the 2010's, of course."
(A clip of Game of Thrones plays.)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannis–
"HELL… FRICKIN… NO!" Sean shouted angrily to the camera. "ARE WE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN? UH-UH! THIS IS THE SHOW I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
(Clips of the cartoon The Loud House plays in a montage while the theme song plays in the background.)
Sean: (Narrating) Geez, I need to calm down here. But anyway, what can be said about The Loud House? It's one of Nickelodeon's hottest cartoons ever to emerge from the last decade. And they're still going strong to this day with 5 seasons and 129 episodes under their belt so far. Man, that's amazing. For those who are interested to know what the plot's all about, the series focuses on a 11-year old pre-teen by the name of Lincoln Loud, who goes on interesting adventures involving 10 of his own dysfunctional group of sisters alongside his chef of a father and his dentist of a mother. After all, the lyric of his theme song said it best, "One boy, ten girls, wouldn't trade it for the world". Anyway, the cartoon of course, was created by the one and only Chris Savino, who if you're not familiar with the name, chances are you might as well be familiar with this…
(The headline "The Loud House Creator Chris Savino Fired By Nickelodeon Following Sexual Harassment Allegations" is shown on screen.)
"Yeah, that's definitely a mood killer…" Lucas said with a disappointed groan.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, before he became nothing more than a creep and a pariah, Chris got his start in the 90's animating, writing storyboards and designing characters for cartoons such as The Ren & Stimpy Show, Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, Dexter's Laboratory and The Powerpuff Girls before he finally hit his big break with The Loud House, which would premiere in May 2, 2016 on Nickelodeon. The lead creator job he had with the show would only last one year before the sexual allegiations appeared, therefore ousting him from the show entirely. But despite the controversy surrounding Savino, it did nothing to hurt the Loud House's reputation, which would even spawn them a feature film that aired on Netflix on August of 2021.
"But as much as we would love to cover that movie someday, c'mon, this is my Christmas month we're talking about." Sean smirked to the camera while shrugging his shoulders, "So with that out of the way, we're gonna be talking about the other Loud House movie. As in the live-action version!"
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I am talking about A Loud House Christmas, which is a live-action holiday movie that was released on Nickelodeon just recently on November 26, 2021. You're kinda wondering how anyone in their right mind would pull off something so unbelievable like a live-action Loud House film. We don't know the answer to that, but we can guarantee you deep down that idea paid off big time as it proved to be a big hit with everyone, proving to be one of TV's top kids entertainment telecast of 2021. But was that payoff worth it in our eyes, of course? Did that same old magic that worked in the cartoon work here in the live-action film as well?
"Well, it's time dust off that holiday van and find out ourselves as me and Lucas get loud and proud with the new holiday classic, A Loud House Christmas!" Sean exclaimed before adding, "But first things first…"
Sean immediately paused himself as he and Lucas dug under their coffee table and grabbed their respectable Chicago Bears football helmets, putting them on their heads for some weird reason.
"This is just in case any of those greedy bastards decide to snowball us," Lucas pointed out, "Okay, on with the review."
(The movie opens in Royal Woods, as we see a delivery truck passing through)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a shot of a delivery truck passing through as we see that everyone in town is getting ready for the festivities and we get a festive version of "The Loud House" theme before cutting to a shot of the Loud House, where we see Lincoln Loud played by Wolfgang Schaeffer, explaining to the viewers like he's Ferris Bueller and that he's really excited about Christmas.
Lincoln Loud (Played by Wolfgang Schaeffer): When you've got 10 sisters, Christmas can get pretty epic.
(A notification bell goes off on Lincoln's phone)
Lincoln Loud: Your driver, Bill, is en route with your package. This year, I ordered an extra special gift for my family.
"Hey, let's just hope that your driver doesn't throw your gift into a ravine line like that FedEx driver in Alabama." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) He ends up getting a pie in the face from his prankster sister Luan, played by Catherine Ashmore Bradley.
Lincoln Loud: Luan, what gives?
Luan Loud (Played by Catherine Ashmore Bradley): I decided to up my game from the 12 Puns of Christmas to the 12 Pranks of Christmas.
Lincoln Loud: Well, if it's a Christmas prank, then I'm all in.
Mr. Coconuts: That was number nine. Three more to go.
(Luan chuckles)
"Okay, I cannot imagine what pranks ten, eleven and twelve are. Believe me, it won't be pretty." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting pranked by the female Jeff Dunham, Lincoln continues to talk to the viewers, until he almost gets every bone broken in his body from his sporty sister Lynn, played by Morgan McGill.
(Lynn charges at Lincoln and tackles him to the ground)
Lincoln Loud: Oh, spoke too soon.
Lynn Loud Jr. (Played by Morgan McGill): Just getting ready for a Christmas afternoon football game. Can I try that tackle one more time?
Lincoln Loud: No.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Ugh!
"Boy, she's gonna make one lucky guy very happy in the bedroom… by breaking every bone in his body with that tackle." Sean said.
"Hurts so good he ain't gonna even feel his manhood." Lucas nodded, all while sipping his alcoholic egg nog through a straw.
Lucas: (Narrating) There's also the scientific genius in the family Lisa, played by Lexi Janicek…
(An explosion is heard coming from Lisa's room)
Lucas: (Narrating) …who's planning some kind of crazy experiment.
Lincoln Loud: How is the Permasnow coming, Lisa?
Lisa Loud (Played by Lexi Janicek): It's the trace amount of ammonia needed to sustain the creation of snow that is the constant variable.
Lincoln Loud: (To the viewers) Or as I like to call it, Thursday. (To Lisa) You're our only chance at a white Christmas
Lisa Loud: (Heads to her room) Science will prevail.
Lucy Loud (Played by Aubin Bradley): Hi, Lincoln.
(Lincoln turns around and gets startled by his sister Lisa)
"AGGGH!" Sean yelped out.
"Where the hell did she come from?!" Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) This little shit who tends to scare the everloving Christ out of you is Lucy, played by Aubin Bradley. Lucy is the goth in the family and is mysterious and…
Lucy Loud: (Opens her mini coffin to reveal all of the dead pine needles) I've collected all the dead pine needles for our Christmas tree.
Lincoln Loud: I'm sorry for your loss.
(Lucy nods her head as she heads to her room. Lincoln turns to the camera and gives a look)
"Hey, I'm with you, Lincoln. She is strange and let's not forget that she almost gave me a heart attack at age 29. Come on, now. I need to make it to 30." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) There's also the awesome rocker in the family Luna, played by Sophia Woodward, and you also have another one of Lincoln's sisters, this cute yet ditzy blonde is Leni, played by Dora Dolphin, and she has something to show Lincoln.
Leni Loud (Played by Dora Dolphin): Tell me honestly, Lincoln. (Shows off her mannequin Tanya) Does my concept design for my custom-made Christmas pajamas have too much sparkle? Tanya thinks it's bordering on too much. Don't you, Tanya?
(Cut to a shot of Tanya)
"Uh… you do realize that you're talking to a mannequin, you airhead?" Sean asked. "She's not gonna say anything."
"Unless it's Kim Catrall from the movie Mannequin." Lucas said.
Lincoln Loud: Leni, there can never be too much Christmas sparkle.
Leni Loud: (Smiles) Thanks, Lincoln. (To Tanya) See? Sparkle equals happiness.
Sean: (Narrating) You also have the twins Lola and Lana, played by Mia and Ella Allan as we see Lana dressing up her frog Hops as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Lola getting ready for the Christmas pageant. And you have the baby of the family Lily, played by Charlotte Ann Tucker and Lainey Jane Knowles, as we see her…
Lily Loud (Played by Charlotte Anne Tucker and Lainey Jane Knowles): Light tree.
(Lily is busy flipping the light switch as Lincoln sees her standing on the chair right by the stairs)
Lincoln Loud: Lily!
"Oh, my God! NO!" Sean screamed out.
(Lincoln rushes over to Lily and picks her up from off of the chair)
"Thank God." Sean sighed in relief.
"Do not do this to us, movie. We do not want to witness this baby's demise." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln lets the viewers know that Lily gets to turn on the lights for the Royal Woods Christmas tree and…
(Lucy appears from out of nowhere)
Lucy Loud: Hi.
"Fuck!" Sean yelled out.
"Balls of shit!" Lucas yelled out after getting startled by Lucy.
Lincoln Loud: (After getting startled by Lucy) Stop doing that.
(Lucy smiles at Lincoln before she walks away)
"Kid, if you end up giving me a heart attack, I swear I'm turning you into swiss cheese. You can count on that." Sean said as he picks up his MP5 submachine gun.
Sean: (Narrating) Lincoln walks in on his father Lynn Sr., played by Brian Stepanek. Yes, that's the same guy who voiced the character in the animated series. Lincoln sees that his father is busy doing a lot of baking.
Lynn Loud Sr. (Played by Brian Stepanek): Want to give the old figgy pudding a test drive before the big day?
(Lincoln chuckles)
Lincoln Loud: That's so nice, Dad, but I'll save it for Christmas.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Huh.
Lincoln Loud: (To the viewers) Yuck.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Hey, Linc, you feeling the Christmas spirit?
Lincoln Loud: I sure am.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Me too, bud. (Sniffles) Me, too.
(Rita is seen outside swinging on the Christmas lights)
Rita Loud (Played by Muretta Moss): Whoa!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Your mom is swinging from the lights again, isn't she?
Lincoln Loud: Yeah.
Rita Loud: I'm okay!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Okay.
Rita Loud: The toast is burning!
Lynn Loud Sr.: I know, hon. I know.
Lucas: (Narrating) While Lincoln's mother Rita, played by Muretta Moss, is busy doing her imitation of Clark Griswold from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Lincoln heads outside to pick up his super special package that he worked so hard for to save up enough money just to get it. So, what's this super special package that he ordered?
Lincoln Loud: A 13-person toboggan so that my entire family can ride down the hill on one sled.
"For a sled that small?" Lucas said with a raised eyebrow. "No offense, Linc, but a sled like that would fit for three people instead. If you were to add 13 people onto that in one sled, you can expect a whole lot of nasty shitty injuries to happen, believe me."
Lynn Loud Sr.: Kids, breakfast is ready!
(The rest of the kids all come downstairs and bump into Lincoln, forcing him to wobble around with the unwrapped sled still in his hands. A small song sample of "Flight of the Valkyries" is played onto the background for a bit of comedic effect.)
Lynn Loud Sr.: Take it easy out there!
(They all come down to the dinner table in which Leni sits in her chair and unleashes a loud fart noise, leaving Luan to laugh and the others feel disgusted.)
Lynn Loud Sr.: I heard that!
Loud Kids: Ew!
Luan Loud: *to Leni* Got you, Leni!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Good one!
Luan Loud: Prank number 10, only 2 more to go.
(Leni pulls out a whoopee cushion and gives it to Luan.)
"Yep, Luan strikes once again, everyone." Sean nods before sipping his eggnog. "In fact, just to make it more interesting, let's make a drinking game out of how many times Luan will make a lame joke or prank everyone in this movie."
"I'll drink to that." Lucas said, right before tossing his alcoholic egg nog aside for a bottle of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, "Let the festivities begin."
Sean: (Narrating) So while Lynn Jr. starts feeding Lucy some weird-ass black toast, don't know why she want that since she's a goth, this happens.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Hey, Linc, you better watch what you're–
(Lynn Sr. runs into Lincoln's sled, blasting him right in the face.)
"POW, right in the kisser!" Sean said, imitating Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Lucas: (Narrating) Right as they proceed with breakfast, Rita gets cut off by a video call, courtesy of the Loud's older sister, Lori. She of course is played by Lexi DiBenedetto, whom if you're familiar with all things Nickelodeon, was best known for playing the role of Prudence on Knight Squad. And I really gotta say, this was the best choice to have for Lori all things considered.
Lori Loud (played by Lexi DiBenedetto): Hi, mom!
Lily Loud: Lori!
Lincoln Loud: Lori?
(Lincoln attempts to go to talk to her, but he accidentally swings his sled all around, forcing the rest of his sisters to duck.)
Lincoln Loud: I wanna talk to Lori.
"Not unless if you're willing to decapitate your sisters with that sled of yours!" Sean nodded.
(Leni Loud then places the phone next to the breakfast tray, leaving them to look at Lori from the phone face-first.)
Lincoln Loud: Lori!
(Lincoln swings his sled once again, forcing the rest of his sisters, Lynn Sr and Rita to duck down.
Lincoln Loud: What time are you coming home today?
Lori Loud: That's actually why I'm calling, I've given it a lot of thought, and I don't think I can come home for Christmas this year.
Lincoln Loud: *shrieks* WHAT?!
"WHAT?!" Both Sean and Lucas shouted.
(A clip of WWE Monday Night Raw is shown featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: What?
(A clip of Despicable Me is shown.)
Minion: Whaaaaaaat?
(A clip of Different Strokes is shown featuring Arnold.)
Arnold Jackson (played by Gary Coleman): What you talkin' about?
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, it turns out that Lori's got exams and a winter golf tournament she's gotta be in two days after Christmas, leaving her unable to be at two places at the same time.
Rita Loud: Christmas just wouldn't be the same without you.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Yeah, it sure wouldn't kiddo.
Lori Loud: I think it'd be easier just to go to Bobby's house.
"Plus, he also has his own show with his sister Ronnie Anne called The Casagrandes!" Sean said, imitating Lori. "And it's on the same network as us, wouldn't you know that?"
"Eh, it's not bad." Lucas said, shrugging to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Lincoln doesn't take well to the news of Lori not joining them while the family accepts her decision and with her coming to visit them over the summer. But that's not all, turns out that the other members of the Loud Family have other holiday plans.
Luna Loud (Played by Sophia Woodward): Sam invited me to go skiing with her and her family on Christmas Day, and I really want to go. Can I?
Lincoln Loud: No, you can't go.
Rita Loud: That is very kind of Sam's family to invite you.
Lynn Loud Sr: (Sighs) All right, Luna. Yeah, of course, you can go.
Luna Loud: Yes.
Lola Loud: So fun.
Luan Loud: Uh, well, I've been asked to bring merriment and cheer to the Sunrise Canyon Retirement Home. Luan and Mr. Coconuts coming at you Christmas Day.
Mr. Coconuts: Pretty, uh, sweet deal.
(A comedic drum riff is heard in the background)
Both Sean and Lucas appear speechless from hearing the awkward joke Mr. Coconuts had made.
"Welp, you know the deal." Lucas shrugged.
"Yep, bottoms up." Sean said, toasting his fireball whiskey to the camera before Lucas and Sean downed a shot.
Lucas: (Narrating): They call for a family meeting after they drop their mother's phone into a jug of orange juice and with Lori, Luna and Luan out of the picture, Rita and Lynn Sr. make a change in their holiday plans, like taking a trip to Miami.
Loud Sisters: Yay!
Lincoln Loud: (Yells) NOOOOOOOO!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out loud.
(A clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings is shown)
Frodo Baggins (Played by Elijah Wood): NOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from American History X is shown)
Danny Vinyard (Played by Edward Furlong): NOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Rick & Morty is shown)
Rick Sanchez (Voiced by Justin Roiland): NOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Cleveland Brown (Voiced by Mike Henry): No, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOO!
(A clip from The X-Files is shown)
Dana Scully (Played by Gillian Anderson): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from The Office is shown)
Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): NO! GOD! No, God! Please, no! No! NO! NOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Tombstone is shown)
Wyatt Earp (Played by Kurt Russell): NOOOOOOO!
Lynn Loud Sr.: I have always wanted to vacation in Miami.
Lincoln Loud: Dad, no.
Leni Loud: (Shrieks) Bikinis!
Lola Loud: Miami is where the Little Miss Citrus Pageant takes place.
Lynn Loud Jr.: We could go to a Miami Dolphins game.
Lana Loud: The moisture will do wonders for Hops' scales.
Lucy Loud: We could witness a shark attack.
Lincoln Loud: Huh?
(Lynn Sr. sighs)
"Okay, kid. Has someone ever told you that you are one sick twisted little bi…, uh, I mean, little girl?" Sean asked.
"Well, let's hear what Lily has to say about it." Lucas said.
Lily Loud: Miami!
"Looks like the "I's" have it." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) With his old family traditions shot down by new family traditions and in a last-ditch effort to change his family's minds, Lincoln decides to reveal the 13–person toboggan, but…
(Lincoln opens the package, revealing that the toboggan is broken)
Leni Loud: Uh, what is that?
Mr. Coconuts: Firewood.
"Well, that didn't last long. Time to take another shot. God bless." Sean said right before him and Lucas take another shot of Fireball Whiskey.
Lana Loud: Mulch?
Lucy Loud: Or a coffin?
(Luan gives Lucy a look)
Lincoln Loud: What? No. It's a 13-person sled for us all to be on when we go down the hill at Tall Timbers Park… together.
Luna Loud: Next year, little bro.
Leni Loud: Totes, Lincoln.
"Nice job, you jerks. You've ruined the old family tradition with a new family tradition. And going to Miami? Really? Who do you think you are the McAllisters?" Sean asked.
Leni Loud: Besides, Lincoln, there's no snow anyway, so it's not like we can even use your thingy-thing.
"It's a sled, you dumbass." Lucas said.
Lincoln Loud: Sled, Leni. It's a sled.
Leni Loud: Oh.
Lucas: (Narrating) With his family wanting to go to Miami for Christmas, Lincoln's plans are shot down. Meanwhile, we cut to the Royal Woods Mall, where we see Lincoln's best friend Clyde, played by Jahzir Bruno, is standing in line with his dads, Howard played by Justin Michael Stevenson and Harold played by Marcus Folmar, as he awaits to see Santa.
Clyde McBride (Played by Jahzir Bruno): Dads, we're so close. I can see Santa's red coat, white beard, and the promise of baking equipment.
Harold McBride (Played by Marcus Folmar): How did we get so lucky to call you our little sugarplum? Come here.
(Harold and Howard both hug Clyde)
"And as you could tell, Clyde has two dads, who are, um, how do I put it without offending anyone? Eh, fuck it. Play the song." Sean said as he points up.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
"Had to be done, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Once after Clyde shows his two effeminate dads his gift list, it isn't long before his good buddy Lincoln contacts him.
Lincoln Loud: *on the walkie-talkie* Reindeer Clyde, come in. This is Christmas Humbug, and I've got a code elf-red.
(Clyde then puts away his list in his pocket.)
Clyde McBride: *to his dads* Hold my spot, dads.
(Clyde backs away from the line and grabs his walkie-talkie, speaking to Lincoln over the device.)
Clyde McBride: Christmas Humbug, this is Reindeer Clyde.
Lincoln Loud: Christmas is ruined, all thanks to my selfish family.
Clyde McBride: What happened?
Lincoln Loud: Lori isn't coming home from college, Luna is going skiing with Sam, Luan has a gig at Sunset Canyon, and mom and dad are taking the rest of us to Miami!
"Plus, I'm pretty sure Lynn just labeled me bad luck again!" Lucas said, imitating Lincoln's voice before shaking his head, "Yeah, don't ever watch that No Such Luck episode. You won't find it pretty."
Clyde McBride: What? What about me? What would I do? Coming to your house on Christmas Day is an essential part of my holiday experience!
"That's true!" Sean said, nodding to the camera. "Just like Thanksgiving has turkey, parades and football, Christmas has Christmas trees, presents, outside decorations and Clyde. You know every single Christmas needs to have a Clyde of their own."
Sean: (Narrating) So with his back turned against the wall, Lincoln now has a new mission: Have 24 hours to save Christmas. Hopefully, he'll do a better job than that fartknocker Kirk Cameron ever will. So Clyde ditches Santa at the North Pole, and cue the 24 opening!
(The opening scene to the tv show 24 plays.)
Lucas: (V/O as the 24 Narrator) The following takes place between 10 a.m. and 11 p.m., on the days before Christmas at Royal Woods, Michigan. Events occur in real time.
(The scene switches back to the Loud's house.)
Clyde McBride: Okay, Lincoln, what's the plan?
Lincoln Loud: We need to make Lori want to come home even though it makes more sense for her to stay in college. We need to make her homesick.
Clyde McBride: Great. *pauses* How do we do that?
"Yeah, how in the hell do we do that, Linky?" Sean said, raising an eyebrow.
"Indeed, you're the man with the plan after all." Lucas nodded to the camera as if he was talking to Lincoln.
Lincoln Loud: We send Lori the one thing that will remind her of a Loud family Christmas more than anything else.
(The background music pauses.)
Clyde McBride: I have no clue what you're talking about.
(The two go on a restaurant delivery site called "Hot and Fast".)
Lincoln Loud: *to Clyde* It says here they can deliver anything overnight, and keep it hot!
"Ah, nothing says being homesick like good old delivery service." Lucas winked.
"Reminds me of the times Taylor gave me delivery service." Sean nodded with a smirk, "I still remember last month."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean resting in an hotel room somewhere in San Fernando Valley.)
Sean: *relaxes* Ah, it felt so good to attend that porn convention last night. I do kinda miss Taylor though. Just thinking about her is starting to make me homesick.)
(His hotel room starts to knock three times.)
Sean: Huh, wonder what that is.
(Sean gets off his hotel bed and goes to open the door, revealing to be a bong with a dimebag full of marijuana standing right by the doorstep.
Sean: Oh, bitchin! The bong Taylor ordered for me delivered! God, I love that woman!
(Sean then grabs the bong and weed before shutting the door.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Yeah, got arrested for that one." Sean nodded before smirking. "It was so worth it though."
Lucas: (Narrating) After Lincoln delivers a package to Lori, he shows off his battle plan to Clyde and for some odd reason he had time to come up with this elaborate plan to get his family together for Christmas.
Clyde McBride: Oh, Lincoln. Impressive.
Lincoln Loud: I call it, "Operation Work Our Way Through My Sisters and Mess Up All Their Christmas Day Plans So We Can All Stay Home Together and Have the Best Christmas Ever and Also Think of a Shorter Name for This Operation."
Clyde McBride: I like it. I like it.
"Hey, Lincoln. I've got a shorter name for this operation. How about, "Operation Ho Ho Ho"? No, wait. Kevin used that in Home Alone 2. How about "Operation Loud Christmas"? Sound great, don't ya think?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And now it's time to stop Luna, stop Luan and stop the Miami trip and after showing Clyde a drawing that looks like a pile of shit…
Lincoln Loud: It's Dad's figgy pudding.
"Whatever, it's looks like a pile of shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …first up is Luna as Lincoln and Clyde use audio from Mick Swagger's autobiography to cleverly put together an announcement on Luna's phone that he'll be in Royal Woods to perform on Christmas Day, and with her being a huge Mick Swagger fan she does not want to miss the opportunity to jam with him. But this doesn't sit well with her girlfriend Sam, played by Zoe DuVall respectively.
Luna Loud: This is the greatest day of my life.
Sam Sharp (Played by Zoe DuVall): But then you can't come skiing.
Luna Loud: Jamming with Mick is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Sam.
Sam Sharp: I know, but this is gonna be such a special trip for us.
Luna Loud: We'll take a different trip some other time.
"Oh, come on. Sam had the trip planned for the two of you. She wants to spend some time with you by the fireplace and cuddle up with you before the two of you start sci…" Lucas said.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by Michael Ansara): Silence!
"Fuck you, baldy! I'm gonna finish what I'm gonna say and you can't stop me!" Lucas exclaimed as he point at the camera.
Mr. Freeze: I SAID SILENCE!
(Mr. Freeze fires his freeze gun)
Sean and Lucas immediately duck down for cover as the beam from Mr. Freeze's freeze gun hits the wall.
"Yeah, never talk back to Mr. Freeze." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) The next morning, Lincoln is informed that his delivery has just arrived to Lori at Fairway University, she opens it only to find her Dad's figgy pudding.
Lori Loud: Oh, it's Dad's figgy pudding. (Gags a bit) I've never missed Dad's figgy pudding on Christmas ever. It's just so awful… (Gags) and yet I love it!
"Yeah, no wonder it made her gag. It made it look like it was a steaming pile of shit." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) This immediately makes Lori realize that she's making a big mistake by not being with them for the holidays and that she's got to get home. And with that the enlists the help of her Boo Boo Bear, Bobby Santiago played by Matt Van Smith.
Lori Loud: Boo Boo Bear, I need your help.
Bobby Santiago (Played by Matt Van Smith): Hey, Lori.
Lori Loud: Can you drive me home?
Bobby Santiago: Oh, babe, I really want to help, but the mercado van is out of commission.
Lori Loud: Is that the mercado moped?
(Bobby shows the moped)
Bobby Santiago: Sure is. I'm making a delivery of Christmas tamales for my abuela's hairdresser.
"Uh, are you sure that moped is gonna get you to Royal Woods faster? I mean, what if it ends up breaking down or run out of gas?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) With the plan involving Lori going in motion, both Lincoln and Clyde come up with their next plan.
Lincoln Loud: I love your dad's theater stuff.
Clyde McBride: Wait for it…
(Clyde turns around and unveils the curtain, revealing to be a big plastic shark's head.)
Clyde McBride: One shark head compliments of the McBrides' very own production, "Jaws: The Musical".
"Let's hope it's good than both Jaws 3-D and Jaws: The Revenge combined." Lucas nodded to the camera, "Anyway, what's up with that plastic-ass shark head?"
Lincoln Loud: We're gonna shoot a fake video of a giant shark attacking someone on the warm, sandy beaches of Miami.
Clyde McBride: Come again?
Lincoln Loud: My family won't want to go to Miami if it's shark season.
Clyde McBride: Couldn't your family still want to sit by the hotel pool and take in the rays.
(Clyde accidentally scratches his arm on the plastic shark tooth.)
Clyde McBride: Ow.
Lincoln Loud: *feeling alarmed* You're right.
(A clip of Mortal Kombat 11 plays featuring Johnny Cage.)
Johnny Cage (voiced by Andrew Bowen): So much for that, McGuffin.
Sean: (Narrating) Needing more than a shark's head though, Lincoln finds the next best thing for his plan.
(Lincoln climbs up the small ladder and notices a crocodile's tail hanging from the attic.)
Lincoln Loud: What is this?
Clyde McBride: Oh, that's Crockie from "Lake Placid: The Musical" last summer.
"Clyde really must have shitty taste in musicals based on poor-ass movies." Sean replied.
"I can't imagine what kind of stuff Clyde keeps after he does his musicals." Lucas shook his head before saying, "What's next, did Clyde keep a big giant ass volcano from Volcano: The Musical, or perhaps the blades LL Cool J rode in on in Rollerball '02: The Musical? Who knows? Maybe he's got some other stuff like the same tent that was used when Heath Ledger banged Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain: The Musical? Or not to mention Clyde did a musical based on Batman & Robin where Batman uses a Bat Credit Card out of all–"
(A clip of the Nostalgia Critic plays.)
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?! I'LL KILL YA! I'LL–
(Nostalgia Critic then shoots his gun all around in madness.)
"Yeah, you might not wanna mention that word ever again." Sean shook his head over to Lucas.
Lincoln Loud: What if there was a half-creature that was half-shark, half-crocodile? My family wouldn't be safe on land or water.
Clyde McBride: A crockyshark.
Lincoln Loud: I was thinking sharkodile.
Clyde McBride: That's better. Go with that one.
"Sharkodile, huh?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "Sounds like a movie I'd see on the SyFy channel."
"If they cast both Ian Ziering and Tara Reid in that movie, than I'd be all in for it." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) In order to shoot a fake video of a the sharkodile attacking someone, they need a victim. So they head down to Reiningers to kidnap Tanya from Leni, which leads to this pretty funny reaction from Leni.
(Jazz music plays in the background)
Leni Loud: Tanya? Tanya? (Sees that Tanya is missing) TANYA!
"Okay, I just love this reaction from Dora Dolphin. It's like she's channeling her inner Catherine O'Hara in this scene." Sean laughs.
(A clip from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is shown)
Kate McCallister (Played by Catherine O'Hara): KEVIN!
(Cut back to the film)
Leni Loud: TANYA!
"Hey, Leni. I have just one question to ask you: who's your favorite character from Mortal Kombat?" Lucas asked.
Leni Loud: TANYA!
(Lincoln and Clyde ride off on the bike with Tanya the mannequin as they notice a couple giving them a weird look)
Lincoln Loud: (Gasps) Act normal.
(Lincoln smiles at the couple while Clyde waves at them)
Sean: (V/O as Lincoln) It's okay. We're just two little boys just having fun with a mannequin. Nothing to see here.
Lucas: (V/O as Clyde) But Lincoln, they're gonna think that we're gonna…
Sean: (V/O as Lincoln) Don't finish that sentence, Clyde. It's all part of the plan.
Sean: (Narrating) Lincoln's plan to sabotage the family's holiday plans continue as him and Clyde get ready to ruin Luan's holiday plans while they get everything ready.
Lincoln Loud: Okay, put him in.
Clyde McBride: What if he can't breathe?
Lincoln Loud: Clyde, he's a puppet.
"Yeah, he spends his time having Luan's hand shoved up his ass. Just throw him in the bag. He's not gonna die." Lucas said.
(Clyde puts Mr. Coconuts in the bag before Lincoln zips it up. Lincoln looks up at Clyde, who's making a sad, puppy dog look on his face before he unzips the bag as we see just the head of the puppet)
Lincoln Loud: So he can breathe.
Clyde McBride: Good idea.
"What the what? Are you kidding me?! He's a goddamn puppet! He doesn't have any lungs! He can't breathe! Just zip up the bag, he'll be fine. Screw it, I need another shot." Sean said before he takes another shot of Fireball Whiskey.
"I thought it was only for the lame pranks or jokes that Luan makes in this movie." Lucas said.
"I know, but I needed this one because those two morons act like the puppet is a real person." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln and Clyde head over to Sunset Canyon as they go undercover as two grumpy old men, where they pull pranks on the elderly like Pop-Pop, played by Bill Southworth.
"Also, Pop-Pop was voiced by the late, great and hilarious Fred Willard." Lucas said.
"May he rest in peace." Sean and Lucas both said.
(Pop-Pop ends up sitting in his chair, in which he sits on a whoopie cushion)
Pop-Pop (Played by Bill Southworth): What in the dang heck? (Sees the whoopie cushion and Luan's face on it)
Lincoln Loud: (In an old man voice) That there is Luan Loud. Pulling pranks on us to advertise her Christmas Day show? What a sin.
Pop-Pop: Do I know you?
Lincoln Loud: Uh, nope, nope.
"Oh, yeah! I'm sure that he wouldn't notice you in that disguise." Sean said.
Nana Gayle (Played by Gail Everett-Smith): (Sees the flower on Mr. Coconuts' jacket) Oh, what a pretty little flower.
(Water squirts out of the flower and hits Nana Gayle in the face)
Clyde McBride: (In an old man voice) Look at that. Luan Loud using the tricks of her trade to sell tickets. It just ain't right.
Nana Gayle: Do I know you?
Clyde McBride: Nope.
(Clyde immediately walks away from Nana Gayle)
Sean: (V/O as Nana Gayle) That man looks oddly familiar. He reminds me of my grandson.
(Next, we see Scoots trying to grab herself a bowl of pudding. When she presses the button, pudding sprays out onto Scoots' face as the elderly people began to notice this)
Lincoln Loud: Now Luan Loud is messing with the pudding machines all to promote her Christmas Day show.
Clyde McBride: It's a real shame.
Scoots (Played by Jill Jane Clements): No one messes with my pudding.
"Yeah, no one fucks with Scoots' pudding. She will end up running your ass over with her scooter." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) The elderly suggests firing Luan from performing at the retirement home, but Pop-Pop pleads for them to give her another chance and after a bad blue screen effect with Pop-Pop getting hit in the face with a pie, he changes mind by telling them to fire her. Meanwhile, Rita is trying to straighten out Santa on the roof and then we cut to Lori and Bobby as we see her trying to make it home to her family.
Lori Loud: You're my hero, Boo-Boo Bear. I've got to get home in time to watch Lily light that tree tonight.
Bobby Santiago: Well, we're going turbo mode, babe.
(Bobby tries to speed up a bit but the engine sputters)
Lori Loud: Ooh, it's getting a little cold.
Bobby Santiago: Hug me tighter, babe. That'll keep you warm.
Lori Loud: I love you, Boo-Boo Bear.
Bobby Santiago: Well, I love you more.
Lori Loud: Nuh-uh.
Bobby Santiago: Uh-huh.
Lori Loud: Well, I love you more.
Bobby Santiago: Nuh-uh.
(A clip from Wings is shown)
Joe Hackett (Played by Tim Daly): Excuse me, uh… (grabs a fork and points it to his head) Would someone mind taking a hammer and driving this into my skull?
"Oh for the love of Christ. Taylor and I were never like these two." Sean said.
"Alright, I'm about to drive to the store to pick up a few things to make for Christmas dinner. I'll see you when I get back." Taylor said.
"Okay, babe. I love you." Sean said.
"Well, I love you more." Taylor said, smiling cutely at Sean.
"Nuh-uh." Sean said.
"Uh-huh." Taylor said.
"I love you more." Sean said.
"Nuh-uh." Taylor said.
"Uh-huh." Sean said.
"Okay, you two. Would you stop all of that cutesy crap before I end up getting drunk here?" Lucas asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln and Clyde get to work on their video with the sharkodile and after they film the footage, they send it over to reporter Katherine Mulligan, played by Catherine Taber a.k.a. the voice of Lori Loud from the cartoon.
Katherine Mulligan (Played by Catherine Taber): I have just personally been delivered footage of a graphic, horrific attack by a creature that some may call prehistoric, but all will certainly call deadly. The attack took place on the sandy beaches of Miami, Florida. The following images are disturbing, so if there are little ones about, you might want to shield their eyes.
(Lisa covers Lily's eyes while Lynn Jr. covers Lisa's eyes, Rita covers Lana and Lola's eyes while Luna covers Lucy's eyes while Luan covers Mr. Coconuts' eyes. The Louds watch as the "sharkodile" attacks Tanya and a screaming noise is heard)
"Oh, come on. You call that a sharkodile attack? Come on, Lincoln! You gotta go big. Get some fake blood and make Tanya lose a limb, you gotta juice that shit up!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of the sharkodile's "existence" Katherine introduces the leading expert in wilderness survival…
(Rip Hardcore appears next to Katherine)
Lincoln Loud: Rip Hardcore!
Sean: (Narrating) …thank you. Rip Hardcore, played by Brian Patrick Wade, and he channels his inner Quint from Jaws.
Rip Hardcore (Played by Brian Patrick Wade): Now, listen. What we have here is a full-grown, genetically-enlarged mutated crossbreed of species, a.k.a. a sharkodile. Hungry monster is incredibly dangerous and not to be messed with. I once encountered another such crossbreed of creature, the piranhagator, off the shores of Australia, and I have this (rips off the sleeves of his shirt to reveal his scars on his arm) and this to show for it. They always attack in pairs.
"Okay, "Piranhagator" sounds like a cheesy movie on Syfy and if they do that movie, you better cast Tim Daly and Steven Weber in the movie. Who would want to see Joe and Brian Hackett fight a bunch of piranhagators? I know I would." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And look at Rita's reaction to seeing Rip's muscles. She's composing a dirty fantasy about him in her mind while right now Sean is composing a dirty fanfic about Luna and Sam.
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see Sean who is busy typing on his laptop before looking up at the camera.
"What?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rip is busy demonstrating on the cameraman to show what he's going to do to the sharkodile when he comes across it, Katherine tells the viewers not to go to Miami for their safety.
Rita Loud: A sharkodile? Terrifying. How could a shark and a crocodile even…
Lola Loud: How could a shark and a crocodile even do what?
(Lynn Sr. clears his throat)
Rita Loud: Nevermind.
"Yeah, we cannot mention how a shark and a crocodile could mate. Hell, when you think about it, they'll try to kill each other." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And with that, the Louds stay at home for Christmas dinner and to see Lily light the Christmas tree, much to the dismay of the sisters while Lincoln is a happy camper after the plan becomes a success. Meanwhile, Lori and Bobby are busy traveling down the road on a moped in the freezing cold until this happens.
(The moped's engine starts sputtering)
Lori Loud: What… what's wrong?
Bobby Santiago: Uh-oh, no more gas.
(The moped comes to a complete stop and tips over)
Lori Loud: Bobby.
"You idiot, you should've filled up the gas tank. What kind of boyfriend are you?" Sean asked, imitating Lori.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the Louds, Lincoln steps out of his room, only to find his sisters moping around the house because of their Miami trip being canceled.
Lincoln Loud: Hey, Lola. You getting ready for the tree lighting?
Lola Loud: I'm not going. The Little Miss Citrus Pageant was going to be a career highlight for me. Now I'll probably never get to wear that beautiful orange sash.
Lincoln Loud: Well, at least you can still have a Christmas pageant right here at home.
Lola Loud: Don't patronize me, Lincoln.
"Dang, Lola. No need to be bitchy towards your brother." Lucas said.
Lincoln Loud: Hey, Lynn, want to try that tackle again? (Grabs the football) I'm heading into the endzone.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Now that I'm not gonna see the Dolphins, I don't feel like playing football anymore.
(Rock music starts playing in Luna's room)
Luna Loud: (Sings while crying) No presents tucked under the tree.
Lincoln Loud: Luna?
Luna Loud: Oh.
"I wonder what Luna's problem is." Sean said.
Luna Loud: (Crying) Sam broke up with me because I picked jamming with Mick Swagger over going skiing with her.
Lincoln Loud: What? That wasn't supposed to happen. I mean, I'm so sorry that it happened.
"Nice work, dumbass! Thanks to your plan, it ruined a perfectly happy relationship. You just killed the Luna/Sam fanbase!" Lucas shouted.
(Leni starts sobbing)
Lincoln Loud: Leni, are you okay?
Leni Loud: No!
Lincoln Loud: Why aren't you dressed in your super special Christmas outfit?
Leni Loud: I'm not really in the Christmas mood anymore. I don't know what's worse, that I miss Tanya or that I got fired for losing her.
Lincoln Loud: You got fired?
Leni Loud: The boss said I should have caught whoever stole her. I really let Tanya down. Wherever she is, I hope she has her cover-up. (Sobbing)
"Okay, look here, you blonde ditz. Tanya is not a real person, she's a friggin' mannequin! It's not like you're sleeping with the damn thing like it's a sex doll." Sean said.
"That's one image that I do not want to picture." Lucas said.
Lana Loud: Hops! It's your favorite sink. Snap out of it, buddy.
Lincoln Loud: What's wrong, Lana?
Lana Loud: Ever since I broke the news that we weren't going to Miami, Hops fell into a frog slump.
(Hops croaks)
Lana Loud: I can't even get him to swim in the sink. It's not gonna be a merry Christmas now.
"Well… dang, now I'm depressed." Sean said.
"I'm feeling depressed too." Lucas said.
"Let's hope that Luan's happy self isn't depressed as well." Sean said.
Luan Loud: Pop-Pop just called to cancel my Christmas Day gig. Who hires you to bring merriment and cheer and then fires you for no good reason at all?
Mr. Coconuts: I don't know. Who?
Luan Loud: It's not a joke, Mr. Coconuts.
Lincoln Loud: I'm sure you'll go some other time.
Luan Loud: No, I won't. Because I'm never speaking to Pop-Pop again. I might as well quit comedy too. I clearly lost my touch.
Mr. Coconuts: But hey, what about me? What will I…
Luan Loud: (Yells) IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, MR. COCONUTS!
"Yikes! Never piss off a sad comedian." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln sees that his sisters and his parents getting depressed about their holiday plans and…
(Lucy appears from out of nowhere)
Lucy Loud: Hello, Lincoln.
"SHIT!" Lucas yelled out.
"You little… that's it! Where's my rifle?!" Sean exclaimed while he looks for his rifle. "I'm getting sick and tired of getting scared by Lucy Loud every single time. She is about to become the death of me."
Lucas then stopped him right away, "Sean, calm down. You're not killing an 8-year old."
Lucy Loud: Everyone is so sad.
(Lucy smiles)
"What the hell is wrong with you, kid?" Lucas asked.
"I bet ya she finds the suffering of other people enjoyable." Sean said. "You have Evil Popcorn Man from Free Willy and now you have this little girl. Just play any sad scene and she'll end up smiling about it."
(A clip from Steel Magnolias is shown)
M'Lynn Eatenton (Played by Sally Field): I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why* ? Lord, I wish I could understand.
(Cut back to Lucy smiling)
(A clip from Boyz N the Hood is shown)
Tre Styles (Played by Cuba Gooding Jr.): Ricky!
(Ricky, played by Morris Chestnut, makes a run for it but is violently gunned down by Knucklehead #2, played by Lloyd Avery II)
(Cut back to Lucy smiling)
(A clip from The Lion King is shown. P.S.: It's the 1994 animated version)
Scar (Voiced by Jeremy Irons): Long live the king.
(Scar drops Mufasa off of the cliff. Mufasa screams while falling to his death before cutting to Simba screaming)
(Cut back to Lucy smiling)
(A clip from Walker, Texas Ranger is shown)
Lucas Simms (Played by Haley Joel Osment): Walker told me I have AIDS.
(Cut back to Lucy smiling)
"Okay, you are one sick, sadistic little bitch." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) However, all is lost until…
Lisa Loud: Everyone, please! Downstairs family meeting!
Lynn Loud Sr.: I thought we were the only ones allowed to do that.
"Well, not anymore you don't." Sean replied, shaking his head.
"Oh, this is gonna be very interesting stuff." Lucas said with interest.
Rita Loud: Lisa, what's wrong?
Lisa Loud: On the contrary, mother, Everything is very right because of THIS!
(Lisa Loud holds up a spray bottle of some kind.)
Leni Loud: Everything is right because of hairspray?
Both Sean and Lucas immediately hit their foreheads in annoyance of what Leni had said.
Without even looking at the camera, Sean pointed to the right and said, "Play the clip."
(A clip of the show Family Guy plays featuring Stewie Griffin)
Stewie Griffin (voiced by Seth MacFarlane): You suck!
"I agree." Lucas nodded to the camera, "How in the hell did that girl ever get past high school?"
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out Lisa made some kind of Sharkodile tranquilizing spray as a way to still have their trip in Miami. They all soon fight over it and ends up in the hands of Lynn Sr, which unfortunately leads up to this…
Lynn Loud Sr.: Miami, here we come.
Lincoln Loud: Dad, does that even work?
(Lincoln accidentally blows the spray in Lynn Sr.'s face.)
Lynn Loud Sr. *deep voice* Whoa!
Lincoln Loud: Dad, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
"Of course, he is, Lincoln." Sean nodded, "He just took a very harmless spray to the face. Whats the absolute worst that can happen?"
"So of course, the spray doesn't work…" Lucas replied with a shrug before saying in suspense, "OR DOES IT?"
Lynn Loud Sr.: Yeah, yeah. I think I am, buddy.
(They all sigh)
Lynn Loud Sr.: Sorry, Lis. Looks like your invention didn't work. Such a bummer. I really wanted to go to Bababi.
"What?" Sean asked.
"Huh?" Lucas replied with a confused look on his face.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Bababi. (Clears throat) That was meird. (Chuckles)
Rita Loud: Honey, are you okay?
Lynn Loud Sr.: Beh, I'm bine. Bine. Buh. I'm buh-ine. (Laughs) Babine.
(Lynn Sr.'s vision starts to get blurry)
Lynn Loud Jr.: Okay, Dad?
Lynn Loud Sr.: There's something wrong with my bips. There's something… what's wrong with my bips? 'Cause I don't think I can beh-beh my bips. I can't… (Closes one eye shut) Baht's wrong with my body? My bibe. What's wrong with my bibe, bib. What's wrong with my bibe, bib? (Speaking gibberish)
"Looks like that spray works… only for it to give him a mini stroke. Jesus!" Sean exclaimed. "She should've added the side effects disclaimer on the bottle."
Lucas: (Narrating) While Lynn Sr. becomes loopy and delirious from Lisa's spray, Rita gets a video call from Lori, who's still stranded on the side of Route 23 with Bobby, so she heads out to pick them up. Aside from that, Lincoln gets a video call from Clyde and things get much worse when he turns on the local news.
Katherine Mulligan: What you are about to witness is footage taken just hours ago.
(Footage of the "sharkodile" is shown on the news)
Lisa Loud: The hybrid animal is here?
Luan Loud: Oh, no.
Mr. Coconuts: Is that the sharkodile?
Lynn Loud Jr.: It's here now?
Lucy Loud: Sharkodile in the woods.
"At least they went with Syfy's budget for special effects." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lincoln realizes that he screwed up when he should've listened to Clyde two hours earlier about hiding it in the woods while riding the sharkodile, but then Scoots, played by Jill Jane Clements, was busy doing her pudding run and films the sharkodile on her phone. And with the town thinking that the sharkodile is in town, an emergency curfew has been put into place and the Christmas tree lighting has been canceled, which means no light tree for Lily.
(Melancholic music plays in the background as Lincoln looks at Lily)
Lily Loud: No light tree.
"Oh, poor baby. All she wanted to do is to light tree and now she can't. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. You've ruined Christmas for everybody, you spoiled bastard." Sean said.
"I hope that you're happy, you filthy animal." Lucas said, glaring at the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) Realizing what a spoiled prick he's been, Lincoln calls Clyde to tell him that they have to save Christmas and he does this by calling Katherine Mulligan's tip line to tell her the truth that the sharkodile is not real.
Katherine Mulligan: Hello? Have you seen the angry beast?
Lincoln Loud: Hi, yes, um, I have seen the sharkodile…
Katherine Mulligan: (To the cameramen) Ooh, get it. Get it out. (To Lincoln) Tell me.
Lincoln Loud: Because it's me. The sharkodile isn't real.
Katherine Mulligan: Ugh, listen, kid, this is a serious situation. We don't have time to play games when people's lives are at stake. (Ends the call) It was just some kid playing a prank.
"Jeez, this lady's a fucking idiot. I… I… I… Screw it, just play the clip." Sean said.
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Sandor "The Hound" Clegane (Played by Rory McCann): You dumb bitch.
"See what you did, movie? You made me whip out a clip from Game of Thrones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Katherine Mulligan doesn't believe him, Lincoln decides to go at it alone, but instead of him doing it alone, he has his good buddy Clyde by his side as they prepare to head down to the Royal Woods Mall to prove to everyone that the sharkodile is not real. In the meantime, Bobby and Lori are still stranded and freezing their buns off until Rita arrives in Vanzilla to pick them up.
Rita Loud: Thank goodness you two are okay.
(Rita hugs Lori and Bobby)
Lori Loud: Mom, you literally have no idea what I've been through.
Rita Loud: Come get in the van to warm up.
Bobby Santiago: Um, Mrs. L, can I ask you, like, a really big favor?
Rita Loud: Okay.
Bobby Santiago: I still need to make my abuela's Christmas tamale delivery for her hairdresser, or she'll kill me.
Lori Loud: You had food in that thing all along?
Bobby Santiago: Uh…
"Ooh, looks like somebody's about to have a blue Christmas right about now." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln and Clyde head down to the Royal Woods Mall with the sharkodile to get to Katherine Mulligan and her news team, but along the way Rip Hardcore is on their tail when he acts like Charlton Heston from Alaska.
Rip Hardcore: Katherine! I found the sharkodile. Whoo-hoo!
"Okay, just who do you think you are "Nature Boy" Ric Flair?" Sean asked.
Rip Hardcore: (His dialogue is replaced by "Nature Boy" Ric Flair) WOOOOOOOOO!
Sean: (Narrating) And immediately Rip Hardcore starts hunting down Lincoln and Clyde while they're in the sharkodile and Katherine Mulligan makes a report about the sharkodile chase while the Loud sisters are busy watching the footage on TV.
Lincoln Loud: I think that's my house!
(Lincoln and Clyde run over the Christmas decorations on the yard before cutting to the drone footage while his sisters are watching it on TV)
Lola Loud: I think that's our house.
"Uh, yeah. That's because it is your house and it's happening right now, you dummy!" Lucas shouted.
(The sharkodile drags the Christmas decorations from off of the yard and the light from off of the house as the Loud sisters start screaming)
Lincoln Loud: Mom's gonna kill me.
(Rip Hardcore starts driving through the Louds' yard)
Lucas: (V/O as Rip Hardcore) Fake driving background, don't fail me now!
Lucy Loud: Best Christmas ever.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lisa gets locked and loaded with her Super Soaker gun with her sharkodile tranquilizing spray so she can capture the sharkodile to study it for science. But enough about her, Katherine lets the viewers know that the sharkodile is headed directly towards the Royal Woods Mall and Lisa heads down there to go after it.
Lisa Loud: It's go time.
Leni Loud: Lisa, wait!
(Lisa runs out of the house)
Lisa Loud: Sharkodile!
Leni Loud: I'm like so not okay with any of this!
Luna Loud: We have to go after Lisa.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Huddle up!
(The sisters all huddle up)
Lynn Loud Jr.: Three, two, one!
All: Save Lisa!
Lucy Loud: Save Lisa.
Luna Loud: Let's go. We have to get to the Royal Woods Mall.
Luan Loud: Wait, wait, wait. Where's Dad?
(Lynn Sr. is shown to be sleeping in the kitchen)
Lynn Loud Sr.: (Wakes up) Miami!
(The sisters run in the kitchen only to see that it is a mess)
Lily Loud: Ew!
"Okay, that sharkodile tranquilizer has some weird side effects to it. Not only it affects your body, but it does tend to make you wreck your kitchen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Loud sisters and Lynn Sr. head on down to the Royal Woods Mall to save Lisa. Meanwhile, Lincoln and Clyde continue their trek to the Royal Woods Mall while being hunted by Rip Hardcore as Katherine announces to the crowd that the sharkodile is coming. Also, Rita and Lori come across the sharkodile and Lisa climbs into Vanzilla to go after the sharkodile and man, does this get crazy. They arrive at the Royal Woods Mall and they start wrecking some shit.
"I have the perfect tune for this crazy chase scene." Lucas said. "Play it."
(The track 'I Can't Turn You Loose' from The Blues Brothers starts playing while Rip Hardcore chases Lincoln and Clyde through the mall)
Lucas: (V/O as Clyde) Hey, Lincoln. There's pants and burgers.
Sean: (V/O as Lincoln) Yeah, lots of space in this mall.
(Lincoln and Clyde crash into stuff)
Lucas: (V/O as Clyde) Disco pants and haircuts.
Sean: (V/O as Lincoln) Yeah.
(The chase continues as Lincoln sees Santa Claus)
Lincoln Loud: It's the end of the line for you, Reindeer Clyde. You've earned it.
(Lincoln stops the sharkodile while crashing into some presents to let Clyde out)
Clyde McBride: Santa! Nonstick pans, a silicone baking set, a bread maker, an air fryer, a 6-speed tilt-head food mixer, Rip Hardcore's new book, an Ace Savvy comforter set.
(Rip Hardcore drives past Clyde and Santa)
Clyde McBride: Oh, no.
Lincoln Loud: What am I doing?
"You're you're about to wreck Christmas for everyone instead of saving it. That's what you're doing." Sean said.
"Yeah, I guess I was wrong," Lucas nodded before saying, "This is gonna be Kirk Cameron twice as bad."
Lucas: (Narrating) The exciting chase comes to a screeching halt as Lincoln crashes into Santa's workshop as everybody run into the mall to see who the sharkodile is.
(Lincoln gets out from out of the sharkodile. At the same time though, both Lynn Sr, Rita and his sisters end up flashing a red "exclamation sign" up their foreheads a la Metal Gear Solid.)
Lynn Sr. and Rita: Lincoln?
Loud Sisters: Lincoln?
Pop-Pop: (Sees Lincoln on TV) Lincoln?
Scoots: Geez, Al. What's up with all your grandkids?
(Clyde turns to his fathers as they give him a look and he starts to laugh)
Clyde McBride: I told you I had some explaining to do.
Lisa Loud: Lincoln? Well, there goes my Nobel Prize for science.
(Lisa accidentally sprays Rip in the face with her sharkodile tranquilizer spray)
Lisa Loud: Whoops.
"Oh, now you've done it." Sean said.
"And he starts feeling the effects in 3… 2… 1…" Lucas said.
Rip Hardcore: You're a boy… babbily, bibbily, babatha, batha, bibbily, bip, bibbily bip. (Laughs while he bumps into his vehicle) Bibbily bip baha. I hit the bump.
(Rip falls to the floor)
Lynn Loud Sr.: Well, if I ever act like that… (Chuckles) Just, you know…
"Uh, dude. You did act like that. You were acting like some guy on drugs. That's what you were acting like. We can play back the footage, if you like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lincoln is happy to see Lori home, but his parents demand an explanation from him and wanting to know why he's the sharkodile.
Lincoln Loud: I made up this entire thing. The sharkodile in Florida, all of it. That's not all. And I lied to all of you. Leni, I stole Tanya. Lori, I tricked you into coming home.
Lori Loud: What?
Lincoln Loud: Luna, Mick Swagger isn't visiting. Luan, I sabotaged your gig at Sunset Canyon.
Lori Loud: Lincoln, why would you do all of these horrible things?
Leni Loud: Wait! Does that mean Tanya is okay?
"Oh, my God. Ugh." Sean said as he makes a facepalm. "Really? All you care about is your damn mannequin that you speak to. You know what, I'm gonna let Lucas handle it for me. I need to step out of the room before I end up turning into a raging madman."
With that being said, Sean immediately got off his couch and stepped out of the living room, which gave Lucas enough time to grab a megaphone.
He turned it on before speaking into the phone loudly, "YOU, LENI LOUD, ARE A MORON, AN IDIOT, AND A EMPTY-HEADED DIPSHIT FOR HAVING A FREAKY SEX DOLL AS YOUR FRIEND! I SUGGEST YOU GRAB A BRAIN WHERE YOU LEFT IT, BECAUSE IT'S HONESTLY FILLED WITH GRADE A BULLSHIT!"
With his statement over and done with, Lucas put the megaphone back under the table as Sean came back to the couch.
"You done?" Sean said to Lucas.
"Yep, now let's see what Lincoln has to say before he suffers a holiday hanging." Lucas smirked over to the camera.
Luna Loud: But why, little bro? Why would you mess with your own fam like that?
Lincoln Loud: Because I wanted us all to be together on Christmas. It's the one time of the year that I can count on all of us being together. I love my family. I don't want us to break apart. I got scared that we were all growing up and going our separate ways, and if I could take it all back, I would.
Rita Loud: I understand.
Lincoln Loud: You do?
"You do?" Sean and Lucas both said.
Lynn Loud Sr.: I do too, bud.
Rita Loud: Growing up is hard. Change is hard, but family… family is forever, Lincoln.
Lynn Loud Sr.: That's right. We're always tied together by our hearts, no matter where we are.
Lincoln Loud: So you're not mad?
(One of the decorations hanging on the ceiling falls to the ground)
Lynn Loud Sr.: Oh, oh, I would say we're really angry…
Rita Loud: Well, there's a few things to figure out.
Lynn Loud Sr.: But I think we can breathe through it.
Rita Loud: But no, we're not mad at where your heart was to make you do all this.
"But after the holiday season, you're grounded till you turn 30, bud." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Lincoln apologizes to everyone and surprisingly they forgive him. Lily lights up the Christmas tree and Luna performs a rockin' tune to celebrate.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Christmas Day arrives and Lincoln gets a chance to spend it with his family and…
(Lana and Lola both sit on whoopie cushions, courtesy of Luan Loud as she starts laughing)
Luan Loud: (Laughs) I got you. Prank 11 and prank 12.
Mr. Coconuts: "The 12 pranks of Christmas."
(Pop-Pop laughs)
Pop-Pop: That's my granddaughter. I'm so proud of you, honey.
"Well, time to take a shot." Sean said, taking another shot of fireball whiskey.
"I'm with you there, buddy." Lucas said right before he takes another shot of whiskey as well.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! Lincoln gets to spend Christmas with his family, even though he has 300 hours of community service because of him wrecking havoc with the sharkodile. Luna goes skiing with Sam, Luan has a double gig at Sunset Canyon, Lori goes back to college while the rest of the family head down to…
Lily Loud: Miami!
Sean: (Narrating) That's right, Lily. And Lincoln has another surprise in store for him, his family fixed up his sled while he was asleep. But yet, there's no snow.
Lisa Loud: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that, big brother. Never underestimate the power of science.
(An explosion is heard, then a snowflake appears as the family and Clyde see that it's snowing outside while the "Hallelujah" chorus plays in the background)
"It's a Christmas miracle!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) And the movie ends with everybody playing in the snow by having themselves a little snowball fight, before Lincoln says this to the viewers.
Lincoln Loud: Family is connected by their hearts. Even when we're apart, we're not really apart. I will miss how things used to be, but I'm really enjoying how they are.
Sean: (Narrating) And cue the cheesy blue screen effect as the family go sledding down Tall Timber Hill.
(The movie ends with a freeze frame of the Louds and Clyde going sledding down Tall Timber Hill with the message "Merry Christmas from the Loud House" shown)
"And that was A Loud House Christmas and did it live up to it's expectations?" Sean asked.
"Yes. Yes, it did." Lucas said.
"And we enjoyed it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What really surprised me was seeing these characters being brought to life by the actors portraying them. They did a really great job and it really impressed me to see how well the cast embodied their animated counterparts, it is pure perfection. The mannerisms, the voices and their outfits. Let's not forget about the production design like Lincoln's room, the house and the mall. You know that the writer of this movie has done their research.
Lucas: (Narrating) What Sean is saying is 100% true. This film definitely lived up to its expectations. And with the way the entire aftermath turned out after this film came out, that means saying a lot. So if you want a big holiday classic to turn to, make sure this film is gonna be one of them. It'll get the kids watching, it'll get the adults watching, and it'll get every Loud House fan watching as well. For that, we give A Loud House Christmas a merry score of 5 Vanzillas out of 5.
"And that wraps up another co-review from yours truly." Sean smirked to the camera, "Until next time, this is Sean The Mayhem Critic and this right here is Lucas saying…"
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." Lucas said, before taking a sip of his whiskey.
Before they could sign off though, they were cut off by a knock on the door, getting both Sean and Lucas's attention.
"Huh, wonder what could be?" Sean raised his eyebrow before he and Lucas got up out of their seats, looking to see what came through that door.
They opened it up to see a big box of what seemed to be a collection of Brazzers DVD's starring Richelle Ryan, Nicolette Shea and Aletta Ocean, which caught both guy's attention as of right now.
"Wow, Brazzers sure deliver fast." Lucas said, whistling very excitedly.
"Indeed," Sean nodded before smirking again, "It's a Christmas Day miracle!"
Both Sean and Lucas immediately grabbed the box full of DVD's before shutting the door behind them. After that, the words "Have A Merry F-ing Christmas" was shown in bold white cursive before finally ending the episode.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - TANYA!
Wow, was this such a pain to do. But at least it's finally over and done with. I also want to thank Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for helping me out with this review, even if it was a bit hard. Kinda wish we could have gotten extra help on it, but I'm still satisfied and glad we got this review done either way, so call it for what you will. ;)
Although we may not be finishing this entire Christmas month, this holiday season still continues on for the Mayhem Critic either way as he takes a look at Die Hard 2: Die Harder. Does it still hold up though? We'll definitely find out for sure. Also if you want to help me out on a co-review or have any suggestions for me to review next, let me know via PM or review and I'll see what I can do. Later, everyone!