The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Mayhem Critic Christmas Month continues when Sean reviews the 1990 film Die Hard 2: Die Harder, the sequel to the 1988 film that I reviewed back in 2017 when I first started this fanfic. Did it live up to it's success like the original film or is it a disappointing sequel? Well, let's tune in and find out. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Die Hard 2 is owned by 20th Century Fox.
Episode 136
Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Today's review opens up with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting down on his favorite couch wearing his Miser Brothers sweatshirt, denim jeans and his white Addidas sneakers. He starts sipping his mug of hot apple cider before turning his attention to the camera and starting his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Once upon a time, there was the greatest Christmas story ever told… and that story was DIE HARD!"
(Clips from Die Hard are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. The movie that is considered to be the best Christmas movie ever made and the movie kicks all the asses. The movie grossed approximately $140 million and became the year's tenth-highest -grossing film and the highest-grossing action film. Hell, the movie was also nominated for four Academy Awards for Best Film Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Sound Effects Editing and Best Sound. It is also one of my favorite movies to watch anytime and also during Christmas just like Home Alone and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
"And of course, when your movie becomes a success and makes a boatload of money, you know they gotta make a sequel. And that's where today's movie comes in." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The title screen for "Die Hard 2" is shown followed by clips from the movie while "Ode to Joy" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Fresh off of the success of the original movie, Die Hard 2: Die Harder was released in theaters on July 4th, 1990, two years after the original. Based on the book 58 Minutes by espionage-thriller novelist Walter Wager, who wrote the 1975 novel Telefon, which was turned into a movie starring Charles Bronson back in 1977. The screenwriters used the basis of the story for the movie and in the novel it involves an NYPD cop named Frank Malone and the story takes place at JFK International Airport and in the movie you have John McClane and he's at an airport in Washington D.C. (A picture of John McTiernan is shown followed by the poster for "The Hunt for Red October") John McTiernan, the director of the original film had planned to direct the sequel, but could not because of his commitment to directing The Hunt for Red October, so they hired a new director. (A picture of Renny Harlin is shown) Enter Finnish director Renny Harlin, who was known for directing Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and Cliffhanger. He was hired by Fox executives to direct this movie after they were impressed with his duties as director when he worked on The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that this movie is in capable hands from the guy who directed Cutthroat Island and Exorcist: The Beginning." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And since this movie is a sequel, it suffers from a serious case of repeating the same shit over again formula just like Ghostbusters II and Home Alone 2. But in this one, it takes place at an airport in Washington D.C. on Christmas Eve instead of a skyscraper. Did it live up to it's success like the original? Well, we're gonna tune in and find out.
"So let's get ready to die harder, this is Die Hard 2." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) It opens with John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, at Dulles International Airport and the first thing he does when he's there is get his mother-in-law's car towed by airport police and gets a parking ticket.
John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): Come on, man. It's Christmas.
Sergeant Vito Lorenzo (Played by Robert Costanzo): So ask Santa Claus to give you another car. (Gives McClane a ticket) Merry Christmas, pal. It's all yours, Murray.
(McClane sees them towing away his mother-in-law's car)
John McClane: Son of a bitch.
"Yeah, I hope that a man dressed as a bat interferes with your police business, fatso." Sean said, referencing Batman: The Animated Series.
Sean: (Narrating) And you know that this movie was made in 1990 because we see McClane using a beeper.
"Okay, for all of the youngsters out there, a pager a.k.a. beeper is this little device that you carry around with you that receives and displays alphanumeric or voice messages. Ah, the 90s and the glorious digital age. Aren't you glad that we use cellphones now?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a random news report about the capture of a face in the drug war, it gets interrupted by naked man ass, courtesy of Colonel Stuart played by William Sadler.
(We see Colonel Stuart in his hotel room practicing martial arts moves naked. His rear end is covered by a Christmas star as a censor bar)
"Out of all of the terrorists in the Die Hard movies, this dude is the craziest. And you'll see why later in the movie trust me. This right here, this is one of them. And now to add William Sadler on the list of people who I should never see naked. If I want to see someone naked, I would rather see Coco Lovelock and Katie Kush do naked yoga in a lesbian porn. Which would sound hot right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, Renny Harlin is doing his best to keep Sadler's unmentionables from being shown in the movie because that will definitely scar me for life. After he does his naked martial arts, we see a clothed Colonel Stuart joining his men as we see them carrying some packages.
"So, they're the military gift giving terrorists?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane finds a payphone…
"Again, aren't you glad that we have these?" Sean asked while he hold up his Samsung Galaxy S7 Android phone.
Sean: (Narrating) …and he contacts his wife Holly, once again played by Bonnie Bedelia, and she praises the super-high tech '90s.
Holly McClane (Played by Bonnie Bedelia): Microchips, microwaves, faxes, airphones.
"Let's not forget the Internet which gives us Fanfiction for us to write and read and also look up porn. Which reminds me." Sean said as he opens his laptop and grabs a bottle of lotion. "Yeah! Anna Claire Clouds, here I come!"
Holly McClane: Listen, um, we're gonna be about half an hour late landing, okay? I just wanted to let you know. The kids okay?
John McClane: Well, they're about to lose their minds from all the sugar your parents are given' 'em.
Holly McClane: Did Mom give you a hard time about borrowing her new car?
John McClane: No. Not yet. Listen, honey, when you land, can we… can we just, like… you know, rent a car, check into a hotel? We'll leave the kids with your parents, order some room service, a bottle of champagne. What do you say?
Holly McClane: You're on, Lieutenant.
"I'll make sure to bring the handcuffs with me. I know how kinky you like it." Sean said, imitating John McClane.
Older Woman (Northeast Plane) (Played by Jeanne Bates): Isn't technology wonderful?
Holly McClane: My husband doesn't think so.
Older Woman (Northeast Plane): (Chuckles) Well, I do. I used to carry around those awful Mace things. Now… (Pulls out a taser) I zap any bastard that screws with me. I tried it on my little dog. Poor thing limped for a week.
(Holly chuckles a bit)
"Uh… yeah. Remind me to call PETA on your ass, old lady. You just abused your dog with a taser." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the bad guys continue their evil plans as we see their first act of evil… killing an old man in church.
Custodian (Played by Bill Smillie): It just don't seem right somehow… closing down this church. Oh, I know the parish is gonna keep on usin' it, but it won't be the same. Been here a lot of years, and I've been right here with it. Yeah, I kind of feel like a piece of me is dying along with this church.
Baker (Played by Tony Ganios): Well, you're right about that.
(Baker pulls out his suppressed Glock 17 as he guns down the custodian, killing him)
"And the body count has immediately started." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, now that we got Colonel Stuart out of the way, let's talk about his team which consists of Garber played by Don Harvey, Baker played by Tony Ganios, Thompson played by Peter Nelson, O'Reilly played by Robert Patrick, Sheldon played by Mick Cunningham, Burke played by John Leguizamo, Kahn played by Tom Verica, Cochrane played by John Costelloe, Miller played by Vondie Curtis Hall, Shockley played by Mark Boone Junior and Mulkey played by Ken Baldwin.
"Jesus Christ! All these fucking terrorists to name. I think I almost ran out of breath naming them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Thompson calls in Colonel Stuart before he calls in Garber before he lets Cochran and Miller know that everyone's in position and they got the area secured and they discuss the next step in their operation. Which makes me wonder, who in their right mind would be listening in on all of this. Hell, John wasn't listening but yet he sees them doing something suspicious by recognizing the trouble from their body language. So what does he do? He warns the airport police.
John McClane: Excuse me, officers? This may sound like a wild-goose chase, but I think I just saw…
(Sgt. Vito Lorenzo turns around as McClane recognizes him as the man who gave him a parking ticket)
Sgt. Vito Lorenzo: Saw what?
John McClane: Elvis. Elvis Presley.
"Oh, come on. At least say that you saw Batman. That will get fatso all riled up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from that, you have reporters surrounding the area because of the arrival of an imprisoned drug lord who I will be talking about later, we see a reporter named Samantha Coleman, played by Sheila McCarthy, who's busy interviewing some members of the Justice Department until she spots Colonel Stuart walking at the airport and she tries to interview him.
Samantha Coleman (Played by Sheila McCarthy): Colonel Stuart, could we have a few words, please?
Colonel Stuart: You can have two: "fuck" and "you."
Garber (Played by Don Harvey): (Blocks the camera away from them) No pictures, you pinko bitch.
"Wow, no respect for the press. I wish that every celebrity was like that with the paparazzi and the reporters. Also, you know that line that Garber said?" Sean asked.
Garber: No pictures, you pinko bitch.
"Yeah, that line was unscripted. Don Harvey actually improvised this part and they kept it in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, McClane follows Miller and Cochrane into luggage area as he sees them tapping into the tower systems, so he decides to interfere.
John McClane: (Flashes his badge) It's a restricted area. What's the matter? Couldn't wait for the skycap?
Miller (Played by Vondie Curtis Hall): We work here.
John McClane: Let's see some I.D.
Miller: (Chuckles) Sure. No problem.
Cochrane (Played by John Costelloe): No problem.
Miller: Take him!
(Cochrane shoots at McClane with his Glock 7 while McClane fires back and Miller shoots at McClane as well but misses)
"And immediately, we get our first action scene in the movie." Sean said.
(Miller and McClane shoot at each other. Miller shoots at a bag, which falls on McClane's hand, causing him to drop it on the conveyor belt)
John McClane: Ow! Jesus H. Fuck!
"Dude, screw your gun? That was somebody's luggage. Now, how are you gonna explain the bullet holes, huh?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane channels his inner Casey Jones by whacking Miller with a golf club… (Recognizes Miller's stunt double) or his stunt double. Hell, I could clearly see his stunt double and McClane's stunt double fighting each other. (Laughs)
(McClane sprays Miller in the face with some hairspray until Cochrane shoots the can from out of his hand)
John McClane: What is this, a tag team?
(The song "Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team starts playing in the background while Cochrane continues to shoot at McClane)
Sean: (Narrating) McClane does a surprise attack on Cochrane and murders the everloving hell out of him instead of finding out who they are or what they want. He then goes after Miller on a bike and tackles him, but he ends up getting away until the local police show up and stop him.
John McClane: I'm a cop. That was the bad guy.
Airport Cop #1 (Played by Paul Bollen): Where's your I.D?
(McClane checks for his badge and realizes it's not on him)
John McClane: On its way to Cleveland.
"Well, aside from getting into a shootout and killing one guy and getting arrested by the cops. John certainly still manages to have a sense of humor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Holly's flight, we see a familiar face from the original film who's on the same flight as Holly, Richard Thornberg played by William Atherton, as he complains about the airline screwing him out of his first class seat just because they don't like him.
Thornberg (Played by William Atherton): Do you know who I am?
Stewardess (Northeast Plane) #1 (Played by Sherry Bilsing): Yes. We've all seen your program. Your episode "Flying Junkyards" was a very objective look at air traffic safety.
Stewardess (Northeast Plane) #2 (Played by Karla Tamburrelli): It wasn't nearly as edifying as "Bimbos of the Sky," was it, Connie?
Thornberg: You think you're funny. You think you're funny. Fine. I've got your number.
Stewardess (Northeast Plane) #2: And I've got yours. So park it, sir.
"Fuck professional courtesy. I guess this is how they treated him when he flew on United Airlines." Sean said. "Boy, that joke was dated."
Sean: (Narrating) Thornburg sees Holly and freaks out about it because he doesn't want to be near her because it turns out that he filed a restraining order against her. Why? Maybe this little clip will show why.
(A clip from Die Hard is shown, as we see Holly punch Thornberg in the face on live television)
Thornberg: That woman assaulted me and she humiliated me in public.
Stewardess (Northeast Plane) #1: (To Holly) What did you do?
Holly McClane: Knocked out two of his teeth.
Stewardess (Northeast Plane) #1: (Smiles) Would you like some champagne?
"Yeah, that was payback for arresting the Ghostbusters." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Miller reports back to Colonel Stuart to tell him about what happened and the loss of one of their comrades, in which he's taking the news pretty well because of him accomplishing his mission.
(Colonel Stuart points his gun at Miller's forehead. He pulls the trigger, in which the gun doesn't go off)
Colonel Stuart: You fail me again, and the chamber won't be empty. Dismissed.
"Now there's a guy who doesn't take failure too lightly. I think Miller should check his pants right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, John gets a little annoyed when the press comes across the crime scene and because of the incompetence of airport police, they didn't seal the area off, which is up to the captain. So, he confronts the head of the airport police Captain Carmine Lorenzo, played by our good 'ol friend Dennis Franz.
"And if you think that Dwayne T. Robinson from the first film was annoying, then Captain Lorenzo is much more annoying." Sean said.
John McClane: Your boys just walked away from a crime scene, Captain. You can't wrap this thing up in 10 minutes, and you know it. You gotta seal the area off, take pictures, dust for prints.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo (Played by Dennis Franz): Hey, don't lecture me, hotshot. I know what I'm doing. We're gonna dust it down. We'll take all the pictures. We'll, uh, sweep for fibers.
John McClane: When are you gonna do this? After three or four hundred more other people go through there? You'd be lucky to get a print from one of your own people. Just shut down that area and send your people…
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Oh, just shut the area down? It's that simple, huh? Just shut the area down? Yeah, and I got everybody from the Shriners convention to the goddamn Boy Scouts traipsing through here! I got lost kids, lost dogs- (His secretary walks in) Not now! Later! I got international diplomats. I got a fuckin' reindeer flying in here from the fuckin' petting zoo!
"Not to mention, I got a bunch of goddamn guys dressed up as goddamn Santa Claus in my goddamn airport!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Captain Lorenzo.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Hell, let's shut down the whole fuckin' airport! Now what do you think they're gonna say upstairs when I tell them that?
John McClane: Why don't you pick up the phone and find out?
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Because I don't need full fuckin' forensics to tell me all this was, was some punk stealin' luggage!
John McClane: Luggage? That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me. You know what that is?
"Uh, I'm not a weapons expert but there's no such thing as a Glock 7. There's a Glock 17. In reality, Glock never produced such a handgun." Sean said.
John McClane: It's a porcelain gun made in Germany. It doesn't show up on your airport X-Ray machines, and it costs more than you make in a month.
"John, it's polymer. Polymer. Well, "Polymer 2". Glock never produced a "ceramic" or "plastic" firearm and you do know that Glocks are visible to X-Ray scanners. Also, Glocks are manufactured in Austria. You know, for a cop. You're pretty dumb." Sean said.
(A clip from Die Hard is shown)
Hans Gruber (Played by Alan Rickman): You idiot…
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I've neglected to mention that McClane is now working for the L.A.P.D. and he has a bit of a celebrity status, in which Captain Lorenzo does not care for and he has his officers escort him out of his office.
John McClane: Hey, Carmine, let me ask you something. What sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?
"I'm guessing the shit in his brains sets off the metal detectors." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After John gets the dead guy's fingerprints, we cut to a plane being escorted by the military until they reached U.S. airspace. And on the plane, is the evil South American dictator and drug lord General Ramon Esperanza, played by Franco Nero.
"In one move, we've seen a Brit playing a German. And now in this movie, we see an Italian playing a Latino. It's like seeing a white guy playing a black guy. Wait, did I do this joke before?" Sean asked.
General Ramon Esperanza (Played by Franco Nero): (Speaks in Spanish) These chains hurt! (To the young soldier) Muchacho. Could you take these off, kid? Where do you think I could go?
Young Corporal (Foreign Military Plane) (Played by Julian Reyes): (In Spanish) Sorry, General, I'm not permitted to do that.
General Ramon Esperanza: (In Spanish) Good, kid, good. You're an excellent soldier.
"It's a shame that I'm going to kill you later." Sean said, imitating General Esperanza.
(We cut to LAPD officer Al Powell, sitting at his desk and eating a Twinkie)
Sean: (V/O as Al Powell) Time for my only cameo in the movie.
Sean: (Narrating) John calls his good buddy Officer Al Powell, played by Reginald VelJohnson, who's now taking a desk job after he gunned down Karl in the last movie. John sends Al a fax of the dead guy's fingerprints and run them through several databases, and he gives John the results.
Officer Al Powell (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): He's dead.
John McClane: You needed a computer to figure that one out?
Officer Al Powell: No, no, no, no. You don't follow me. According to the Department of Defense, he's been dead for two years.
John McClane: What?
Officer Al Powell: That's right. "Sergeant Oswald Cochrane. American adviser in Honduras. Killed in a helicopter accident 5-11-88."/Read between the lines, and I'd say it looks like a lot of black-bag stuff to me.
John McClane: Yeah, I see it. All right, Al. Thanks a lot.
Officer Al Powell: Hey, anytime.
"Well, that's it for my cameo. Time for me to head back to the set of Family Matters and deal with Steve Urkel." Sean said, imitating Al Powell.
Rent-a-Car Girl (Played by Lauren Letherer): Say, I close in about an hour. Maybe we can go get a drink?
(John chuckles and shows off his wedding ring)
John McClane: Just the fax, ma'am. Just the fax.
"If I change my mind, maybe I can invite you to have a threesome with me and my wife." Sean said, imitating John McClane.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Dulles control tower where we see that the Chief of Air Operations Ed Trudeau, played by the late Fred Dalton Thompson, informing his IAD chief engineer Leslie Barnes, played by Art Evans, about the new storm front coming and it becomes a factor for the runways and literal air traffic.
Trudeau (Played by Fred Dalton Thompson): Great. National just shut down. Totally iced. They're gonna be sending us their planes.
Leslie Barnes (Played by Art Evans): Happy, happy holidays.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: The worst part, Mr. Trudeau, was the press. Oh, they were here anyways, crawlin' all over the Esperanza story, so they got it right on the fuckin' news. You know, bloodstains and all. Personally, I'd like to lock every damn reporter out of the airport but then they'd just pull that freedom-of-speech crap on us. Then the A.C.L.U. would be all over us.
Trudeau: Murder on television. Hell of a start for Christmas week.
"Let's hope that it wasn't about people fighting over a Christmas gift. Because heaven forbid if people try to murder each other over an Xbox Series X or a PS5, then all hell would break loose." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane enters the tower without anyone noticing…
"Really? What kind of airport allows a civilian to enter the control tower? Man, is this airport run by a bunch of complete assholes?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Spaceballs is shown)
Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
Trudeau: Who the hell is this?
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Uh-uh, McClane.
John McClane: I'm a police officer.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: In an unauthorized area. L.A., Mr. Trudeau, don't mean shit.
Trudeau: Yeah? That's what I said about my last cholesterol test. So what's your problem, Lieutenant McClane?
Sean: (Narrating) McClane deposits some information about his funny feeling about this situation to Trudeau and right on cue…
Burke (Played by John Leguizamo): All systems tapped, Colonel.
"Okay, that didn't even sound like John Leguizamo. That was some obvious dubbing. And speaking of bad dubbing, this movie is famous for having the worst edited-for-television versions of the movie." Sean said.
(A montage from the edited-for-TV version of the movie is shown)
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: …we don't need any Monday morning quarterbacks.
John McClane: Hey, forget Monday morning! My wife's on one of those planes these guys are fooling with! If you had moved your fat feet when I told you to, we wouldn't be hip-deep in snow right now!
Samantha Coleman: Come on, McClane. Just a few words.
John McClane: Okay, here's a few words: "joke off".
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Grant's boys are gonna kill the (muted) and get it from him.
John McClane: They're gonna get on the same damn plane with him and take off with him!
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Get the hell out of here!
John McClane: When the army canned Stuart, he must've loaded that unit with his own men.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Are you nuts?! The firefight out there…
John McClane: Sideshow to buy then some time!/How can the same stuff happen to the same guy twice?
"And don't worry, I'm gonna save the best bad dubbing line for later. Trust me, because it's really bad." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Burke confirms to Colonel Stuart that it's time to initiate their evil plan, which involves them shutting down the airport's runway lights, so everyone in the tower starts panicking and they try to put on the emergency lighting, but every system is down and not operating.
Trudeau: (On P.A.) Attention all controllers. Attention. We have a code-red alert. Every aircraft approaching our sector who are not already in our landing pattern gets diverted to their alternate airport now. Everyone already on approach or inside our pattern holds at the outer markers. Stack 'em, pack 'em and rack 'em. Move.
"Stack 'em, pack 'em and rack 'em. I'm gonna use that line for when I run for U.S. Senator for Tennessee." Sean said, imitating Trudeau.
Trudeau: McClane, this what you expected?
John McClane: No. This is just the beginning.
"And there you go. You got your awesome line for the trailer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The FAA hotline rings as Trudeau puts them on speaker as Colonel Stuart speaks to them about his demands.
Colonel Stuart: A plane will be landing at this airport in 58 minutes. It is FM-1, Foreign Military One. Now, I'm sure you gentlemen are well aware of the unique nature of this flight…
John McClane: Esperanza?
(Trudeau nods his head)
Colonel Stuart: …and the importance of its cargo. The plane will not be met by anyone. It will land on a runway of my designation where it will remain isolated and unapproached. That will conclude my interest in this aircraft and your responsibility for it. At the same time, I want a 747 cargo conversion fully fueled and placed at my disposal.
"I would also like a key to protect from Billy Zane's crazy ass and the party game Twister for when I go up against Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter." Sean said, imitating Colonel Stuart while referencing the films Demon Knight and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
Colonel Stuart: Any attempt to restore your systems will be met by severe penalties.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: He's bluffing.
Trudeau: Damn it, you can't do this.
Colonel Stuart: I am doing this.
(Colonel Stuart hangs up)
Sean: (V/O as Lorenzo) So, where's the goddamn pizza?
Sean: (Narrating) McClane has a shouting match with Lorenzo before fatso kicks him out of the tower and because of the airport's stupidity, the Murphy Brown wannabe Sam Coleman enters the tower before Lorenzo has them both kicked out. But hey, McClane has a plan to get out of situations like this.
(McClane stops the elevator and gets ready to climb out)
Samantha Coleman: Big drug dealer on his way to prison, gunfight at airport, every controller in the coffee shop getting beeped and hauling ass and you rocking the boat. Connection? Come on, McClane. Just a few words.
John McClane: Okay, just a few words. Fuck off.
Samantha Coleman: Thanks, but I already got that from Colonel Stuart.
John McClane: Stuart. The guy that got canned by Congress. That's who he was.
"He was also the Grim Reaper in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey as well." Sean said.
John McClane: (To himself) Oh, man. I can't fuckin' believe this. Another basement. Another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?
"Hey, it's a sequel. They tend to repeat the same shit over again. But look on the bright side, at least you're not walking around barefoot in a skyscraper." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He heads into the basement where he comes across the airport janitor named Marvin, played by Tom Bower, as they look for the annex skywalk and John learns that it's the perfect place for an ambush. So it's time for him to jump into the game.
John McClane: (Before entering the ventilation duct) Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a fuckin' Christmas tree, a little turkey. But no, I gotta crawl around in this motherfucking tin can.
"Sounds like the usual Washington D.C. greeting." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Barnes and Lorenzo's S.W.A.T. team arrive at the annex skywalk, where the T-100 and his team are waiting for them.
S.W.A.T. Leader: Hey! Put that back on! Hey, asshole, what do I look like to you?
"Cue the greatest line ever in 3… 2… 1…" Sean said.
O'Reilly (Played by Robert Patrick): A sitting duck.
(O'Reilly shoots the S.W.A.T. leader in the head and a gunfight ensues)
John McClane: Shit! Damn it. I hate it when I'm right.
"Guess it's not the right time to say that he knows what a T.V. dinner feels like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They take out the S.W.A.T. team right when O'Reilly get ready to kill Barnes, McClane swoops in to save the day.
(McClane kicks the vent cover open, only to have it fall on O'Reilly's face right before he shoots him three times)
Sean: (V/O as McClane) Hasta la vista, baby!
(McClane gets into a shootout with Sheldon and Mulkey. We get a shot of McClane rolling on the floor and firing his gun in slow motion)
Sean: (V/O as McClane) This slo-mo shot better make me look cool, Harlin.
(McClane pushes the scaffolding rig down, causing Sheldon to fall from the top and land on the floor. Sheldon screams right when the working rig falls onto him, crushing him to death)
"Wow, that dude immediately turned into a ragdoll right when that scaffolding fell on him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The scaffolding attached to the working rig pins McClane down while Mulkey gets ready to kill him, but McClane gets the upper hand and manages to kill the dude who was going to kick his fucking ass. Barnes tries to get to the antenna array but the bad guys manage to blow it up.
John McClane: Bait. Jerk us off… make Lorenzo sacrifice his best men. Make you waste your time- time we don't have.
"I'm just gonna have to say this to you, Lorenzo's a dumbass for sending his S.W.A.T. team with you. I'm just letting you know." Sean said, imitating McClane.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Holly's plane, Thornberg notices something odd in the skies and so does Holly as they began to notice a little traffic jam in the sky.
Thornberg: See? You're intrigued. That's my gift, Mrs. McClane. I notice things- things other people wouldn't see. That's how I make people curious.
Holly McClane: Don't you mean nauseous?
Thornberg: Look. The people have a right to know everything about everybody. You got in the way of that.
Holly McClane: Listen, buster, you endangered my children and you didn't do it for anything as noble as the people. The only time you even see the people is when you look down to see what it is you're stepping on.
"That's Fox News in a nutshell, folks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Colonel Stuart learns that his men successfully destroyed the antenna array but he's not happy about losing his men in the process and as punishment for falling into a trap, Stuart and his men use their computer God powers to reset the ground level minus 200 feet and finding a flight that's low on fuel, in which they pick Windsor 114 which is being flown by Colm Meaney from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and he impersonates Dulles approach control.
Colonel Stuart: Windsor Flight 114. This is Dulles Approach. Do you copy?
Windsor 114 Pilot (Played by Colm Meaney): Dulles Approach, this is Windsor 114. Where the devil have you been?
Colonel Stuart: Windsor 114. Dulles Approach. We've been right here all along, old buddy. Our systems only came back on line just this very second. Windsor 114 you are cleared for I.L.S. approach, runway two-niner.
"Don't worry, Windsor 114. You're in for one hell of a landing." Sean said, imitating Colonel Stuart.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane heads out to try to stop the plane from landing, but…
(The plane into runway causing it to explode, killing all of the passengers and the crew)
Windsor 114 Navigator: (Screaming) We're gonna die!
Colonel Stuart: We've got you.
"HOLY CHIZ!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, Jesus Christ! They raised the stakes in this movie! We went from foreign terrorists in a skyscraper for their financial game to military terrorits terrorizing an airport and to top it all off, this guy had the balls to blow up a plane and killing the crew. Not to mention the innocent passengers on the plane as well. That is some dark shit right there.
"The colonel doesn't think it was wrong. He thinks it was a neat idea." Sean said in a bad Oliver North impression.
Sean: (Narrating) What I love about this scene is that it is one of the few times in this movie that John has some flaws that he wasn't able to save some people and that he doesn't feel like a supercop.
John McClane: I wanted to help those people tonight. I was pretty goddamn useless.
Sean: (Narrating) And since it's a Die Hard movie, it's time to call in the big guns. In which, Trudeau calls in a counterterrorist team that will eliminate those pesky bad guys. Before I talk about them, I have to make this little joke for this scene between Holly and Thornberg.
Holly McClane: Listen, Dick. That is your name- Dick.
"No, his name is "Dickless". That's his actual name." Sean said. "There, now that I have that obvious joke out of the way, let's move on."
Sean: (Narrating) An Army Special Forces unit arrive to join in and their led by Major Grant, played by John Amos. And don't worry, I won't be making any Good Times jokes for this review…
"Okay, maybe just one. But I'll save that for later." Sean said.
John McClane: This is it? One fucking platoon?
Major Grant: One crisis, one platoon. Who are you?
John McClane: John McClane.
Major Grant: McClane, you showed some balls out there, man.
John McClane: Yeah.
Major Grant: Now show some good sense. Let the pros handle this.
John McClane: Well, it looks like the pros are on the wrong team tonight. Isn't Colonel Stuart one of your men?
Major Grant: No, not anymore he's not. Now we're here to take Colonel Stuart down. And we will take him down. You see, I served with him. I taught him everything he knows.
"I taught him how to do martial arts naked in the mornings. It was a bad mistake to do that." Sean said, imitating Major Grant.
Sean: (Narrating) With the Blue Light Team joining in, but they don't want McClane to interfere. Come on, this is John McClane we're talkin' about here. You know he's gonna interfere. So he heads to the underground maintenance area to meet up with Marvin, where he finds a two-way radio dropped by one of Stuart's men.
Marvin (Played by Tom Bower): You like it, huh? How about you give me 20 bucks for it?
John McClane: How about I let you live?
Marvin: Man knows how to bargain.
"Okay, I'll give it to you for free. Just don't shoot me." Sean said, imitating Marvin.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane gets the radio and a coat to go with it. In the meantime, General Esperanza kills the soldier guarding him and the pilots in the cockpit as well. So, McClane has to rush over to the first accessible runway 1-5 to grab Esperanza before Colonel Stuart and his men show up to grab him.
General Ramon Esperanza: Freedom.
(McClane punches Esperanza in the face)
John McClane: Not yet.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane gets ready to apprehend General Esperanza, but wannabe Ollie North and his boys show up to try to kill McClane.
(Colonel Stuart and his men shoot at McClane. McClane shoot at Thompson, killing him)
"Boy, that dude was useless. First, he gets the lethal gas chamber filled with Red Dust by his whazzed-off baby mama in V: The Final Battle. And now, he gets shot by John McClane in this movie. Colonel Stuart need to get better henchmen because his men are jank compared to Hans Gruber's henchmen." Sean said.
Kahn (Played by Tom Verica): Where'd he go?
General Ramon Esperanza: In there.
(Kahn shoots at the cockpit door before he grabs the fire axe to lock McClane in there)
General Ramon Esperanza: I don't believe this. Two months of planning and you can't anticipate one pendejo of a cop.
"Did he just call McClane a "dumbass"?" Sean asked.
General Ramon Esperanza: Two months of planning and you can't anticipate one pendejo of a cop.
"He did! General Esperanza called McClane a "dumbass" in spanish. Man, can you imagine Red Forman from That 70s Show call someone a "pendejo"." Sean said.
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Red Forman) The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a pendejo.
Sean: (Narrating) Colonel Stuart and his men shoot at the cockpit and throw in three grenades to blow him up, but don't worry. McClane has his way to get out of situations like this.
(McClane ejects himself from out of the plane in the nick of time before it explodes)
John McClane: (Screams before going down) Oh, shit!
"Okay, as awesome as this scene was. I have one little complaint about it. It's the grenades. How long did it take for them to go off?
Sean: (Narrating) Don't they usually take like between two to six seconds before detonation starts? Also, there's an ejection seat in the cockpit, in reality no cargo plane in the world has one. And to top it all off, you don't see the roof part blowing off when he ejects himself from out of the plane. His head should've been flattened.
"So, what's McClane's secret: sheer dumb luck. Now, let's get back to the grenade thing." Sean said as he picks up a hand grenade. "Now, I have one and I'm gonna demonstrate how long this thing will detonate."
Sean pulls the pin from the hand grenade to see how long it will last for it to detonate.
"And the grenade detonates right about…now." Sean said as he closes his eyes, then open them to see that the grenade didn't detonate. "Hmm, maybe it's just a dud. It's just action movie logic."
Sean tosses the grenade to the side and suddenly the grenade detonates as the young critic's eyes widen in shock.
(People start screaming)
Man: My leg!
"Oops. Excuse me for a second, I gotta do something real quick. I gotta do my last minute shopping." Sean said before he runs out of the house.
Man: My leg!
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Holly's flight, Holly notices there's something up with Thornberg when he gets out of his seat and does not watch a classic episode of The Simpsons from it's first season…
"Okay, he's missing out on a really good episode. You should be ashamed of yourself, Dick." Sean said.
Thornberg: Yes, this is Richard Thornberg. Put me through to Ruben in the newsroom.
Woman: (On phone) He's about to go live.
Thornberg: I know he's about to go on. That's why I need him.
Woman: You'll have to hold on…
Thornberg: Put me through, Celia, or start typing your resume.
"Sounds like Fox's Sean Hannity in a nutshell." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane informs Lorenzo on the situation but Major Grant isn't happy about him interfering.
Major Grant: We appreciate your effort, McClane, but we don't need a loose cannon on this deck! What if they decide to crash another plane in retaliation for your little stunt?
John McClane: They can't do that anymore, right, Barnes? Besides, if I grabbed Esperanza, this would all be over by now.
Major Grant: Well, maybe they're just a little bit more creative than you think!
John McClane: Well, at least I'm thinking, goddamn it!
Major Grant: Listen, you wiseass, we're here to jerk off that cocksucker until he tries to take off…
"Okay, that line is so easily taken out of context. I'm not even gonna say anything about that. Nope, not another word." Sean said.
Major Grant: Now, you're the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time!
John McClane: (Sighs) The story of my life.
"A line so famous that Clint Eastwood's character said it in The Rookie." Sean said.
(A clip from The Rookie is shown)
Nick Pulovski (Played by Clint Eastwood): The story of my life.
Sean: (Narrating) Barnes tells McClane that he thinks he knows where the terrorists are hiding out at. So McClane and Barnes head down to the old church where the bad guys are hiding out at and John notices a sentry guarding the outside. He tries to sneak in, but his pager starts beeping when Holly tries to call him.
(John's pager starts beeping)
John McClane: Oh, shit. Not now.
(Baker charges at McClane and attacks him)
"Damn, pagers. Always try to give away your position." Sean said.
(McClane continues to fight Baker. Baker pulls his knife to try to kill McClane, but John grabs his hand to stop him, moving him away and grabs an icicle and stabs it through Baker's eye)
"JESUS CHRISTO!" Sean yelled out in Spanish.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Lorenzo shows up with Major Grant and his team to get Stuart. Stuart and his men see the Blue Light Team arriving, so they swap out the red tape magazines for the blue tape magazines.
"Okay, why? And second, couldn't you guys get any green electrical tape? Come on, get festive with that shit, it's a Christmas movie." Sean said.
(Colonel Stuart and his men escape with General Esperanza on snowmobiles while McClane goes after them. McClane opens fire and kills Burke while Garber stops and looks back)
Sean: (V/O as Garber) I'm gonna stop and turn around at you before I…
(McClane shoots and kills Garber)
Sean: (V/O as Garber) Ow! I shouldn't have done that!
Sean: (Narrating) McClane chases after them on a snowmobile as Colonel Stuart and his men switch to the red tape magazine to hit his snowmobile while McClane doesn't even get a shot at them and they blow up his snowmobile.
Colonel Stuart: So much for the element of chance. Let's move out.
Dave: (V/O as Esperanza) Aren't you going to check to see if he's dead?
Sean: (V/O as Stuart) No, let's get the hell out of here so McClane can figure out the big twist.
Dave: (V/O as Esperanza) What did you say?
Sean: (V/O as Stuart) Nothing. Nothing.
John McClane: I had the bastard in my sights. I know I did.
(McClane grabs his MP5 submachine gun and takes the magazine out to check the bullets and realizes something)
John McClane: Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ.
"Wait a minute. So…" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …Colonel Stuart and his men had blue electrical tape wrapped around the magazine. And in the scene with Grant and his team, we see that they have blue electrical tape wrapped around the magazine.
"Then that means…" Sean said.
(Major Grant slits Telford's throat, killing him)
Major Grant: Eagle Nest, this is Hatchling. On schedule and in position.
Colonel Stuart: Roger, Hatchling. We are secure here. You have a green light. I repeat, a green light.
"Oh, my God! Turns out that Major Grant is in cahoots with Colonel Stuart and General Esperanza." Sean said.
(A clip from Good Times is shown)
Florida Evans (Played by Esther Rolle): Damn! Damn! DAMN!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, there's a news report on the plane crash at Dulles and Thornberg causing mass panic with the report. While all that is going on, McClane makes it back to the police station and after Lorenzo refuses to listen to him, McClane does the only thing that could change his mind… by scaring the piss out of him by shooting at him!
(McClane shoots at Lorenzo. None of the bullets doesn't even hit him. He takes the magazine out and shows it to him)
John McClane: Here! These are the bullets they used out there tonight! Blanks!
"Oh, man. Imagine if these bullets weren't blanks. Then it wouldn't be a pretty sight. And yes, this is pre-Rust." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Thornberg causing mass panic with the news report, a riot breaks out in the airport. Holly listen to this and confronts Thornberg and she punches him in the face.
(Holly enters the airplane bathroom and tazes Thornberg)
Holly McClane: Amen to that, Dick.
"Or she just tazes him and drops him like a sack of potatoes." Sean said. "Yeah, that's also payback from Chris Knight and Mitch Taylor from Real Genius. And that's for hating popcorn, buddy!"
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the ground, McClane runs into Sam Coleman and gets into a helicopter with her so he can go after the plane that Colonel Stuart and General Esperanza is on. And with five minutes until Holly's plane runs out of fuel, McClane hops on top of the wing on their plane and stick his coat in the aileron to screw up their flight.
General Ramon Esperanza: Hijo de puta. It's McClane again.
General Stuart: Son of a bitch!
"Hey, General Esperanza already said that in Spanish." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Stuart and Grant head out as McClane dukes it out with Grant in a really cool fight scene.
"But I've got one question: will it blend?" Sean asked.
(The "Will It Blend?" theme plays in the background as Grant gets sucked into one of the plane's engines and shredded him completely into blood)
"Whoo! Terrorist smoke. Don't breathe this!" Sean said, imitating Tom Dickson.
(The image of Major Grant before his demise is shown while the text "YES, HE BLENDS!" in a little text bubble is shown)
"Wow, I cannot believe that I made a "Will It Blend?" joke in 2021. No reference is too dated for this show." Sean laughs.
Colonel Stuart: Okay, McClane, time for the main event!
(Colonel Stuart tries to stab McClane, but McClane grabs his hand. He stabs McClane in the arm, McClane screams before biting a chunk of Stuart's hand off)
Sean: (V/O as John) Ugh! Needs more seasoning!
Sean: (Narrating) McClane fights Stuart, but wannabe Ollie North ends up whooping his ass and kicking him off of the plane. But, it's not the end because John rips open the fuel tank to make the plane leak fuel and gives them some parting words before their takeoff.
John McClane: Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker.
"Get used to hearing that line in the movie, folks. Because in the TV edit, you'll hear this." Sean said.
(A clip from the TV edit version of Die Hard 2 is shown)
John McClane: Yippie-kai-yay, Mr. Falcon.
"God, that's so wrong." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) John ignites the fuel trail, leading to one of the most awesome explosions ever and the plane explodes killing Stuart, Esperanza and his team. And this means that the Holly's plane can see the fire and use it as their landing light when they see it as well as the rest of the other planes and John reunites with Holly.
John McClane: I thought I was never gonna see you again.
Holly McClane: That's what I thought about you.
John McClane: I love you so much.
(John kisses Holly)
Sean: (V/O as John) I love you so much, baby.
Taylor: (V/O as Holly) I love you too.
Sean: (V/O as John) Let's get divorced in the fourth film.
Taylor: (V/O as Holly) Deal.
Holly McClane: Oh, John. Why does this keep happening to us?
"Yeah, John. I hate to break this to ya. But you're gonna have to do this again in three more films. And lucky for you, they don't take place during Christmas again. And one of those movies will be rated PG-13 and your famous line will be edited." Sean said before mouthing the words "So wrong".
Thornberg: (To the older woman) Oh, honey, help me up here, please.
Older Woman: Asshole!
"Would've went with "dickless", but that'll work." Sean said.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: Hey, McClane! You get this parking ticket in front of my airport?
John McClane: Yeah.
Captain Carmine Lorenzo: (Rips up the parking ticket) Ah, what the hell. It's Christmas!
(The song "Let It Snow" starts playing)
John McClane: Take off, Marv!
(Captain Lorenzo chuckles as John and Holly drive off with Marvin, ending the movie)
"And that was Die Hard 2 and just like the first film, it kicks tons of ass… well not as good as the original." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown one more time as Sean gives his final thoughts on it)
Sean: (Narrating) It's hard to top a masterpiece like the original, but I think they did a really good job. The movie is still good and it has the same charm as the first film. It has some great action and some intense moments. It's not perfect, the villains are not as good as Hans, but they could use some improvement. It's a pretty, straightforward sequel that it does to up the ante a bit. It's a more intense idea and I like it. The way it came off at times? Not so much. I enjoyed this movie and I enjoyed the first film as well. It's still a fun, action-packed thrill ride, coming in at four Glock 7 porcelain guns out of five.
"And that's all for the review. Now, I would like to give a nice Christmas message to all of you. With all that we've been going through the year, some good times, some bad time and losing the ones that we love. There's also hope in the world. May your Christmas sparkle with moments of love, laughter and goodwill. And may the year ahead be full of contentment and joy. The gift of love. The gift of peace. The gift of happiness. May all these be yours at Christmas. We've went through a lot last year and we've went through a lot this year. And when 2022 comes, it will be a great year that we will get through. I would like to wish you all a safe and blessed Merry Christmas, from my family to yours." Sean said.
John McClane: Yippie-kai-yay, Mr. Falcon.
"Christ, way to ruin a lovely Christmas message from me. Damn TV edit. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Merry Christmas." Sean said.
(The review ends with a shot of Sean, Taylor, Brian, Oliver, Dave, Lucas, Cheryl and Cami posing in front of the Christmas tree)
Merry Christmas from our family to yours
Mayhem Critic Tagline- The story of my life.
And that's all for this review, folks. And I hope you all enjoyed the review and the little Christmas message at the end of the review. So, what did you like about the review? Any funny gags and moments that you like in the review? Next up on The Mayhem Critic, Christmas maybe over, but there are some Christmas leftovers for Sean the Mayhem Critic as he takes a look at Home Sweet Home Alone, a film that had everyone hating on it, but does it deserve to be the most hated one in the franchise? After I'm finished with the Home Sweet Home Alone review, I will be taking a little break from working on this story so I can focus on other stories as well. But don't worry, I will be back with more reviews when I review Baby's Day Out. Feel free to review this story and tell me what you like about it, follow it for future updates and add it to your favorites. If you want to do a co-review with me, then feel free to PM me, if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time my fellow readers and Merry Christmas!