The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's February and you know what that means it's time for another fun-filled theme month. It's the first week of Video Game Month. Today, Sean kicks off Video Game Month with the infamous and cheesy 90s flick Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia. A movie so bad that it's good and yet it's a "guilty pleasure favorite" for Sean. So sit back and relax. For you, the day this new chapter appeared in your notification feed was the most important day of your life… but for me, it was Tuesday. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Street Fighter is owned by Universal Pictures and Capcom.
Video Game Month Part I: Street Fighter
(We get our intro to Video Game Month, in the form of The Completionist intro, parodying it. It starts off with Sean grabbing a video game, and that video game is Uncharted 4: A Thief's End)
Sean: Yes!
(Sean then turns around and sees an exclamation mark appearing on the screen before a PS5 controller pops up)
Announcer: Here comes a new challenger!
(We cut to the versus screen where it shows Sean and the PS5 controller)
Shao Kahn: Fight.
(We then cut to Sean playing a video game before he reaches "Max Level". Once he reaches "Max Level", Sean then goes into "Raging Critic Mode", in which he finishes the game victoriously before cutting to a shot of Sean's face followed by the title which says "Video Game Month")
The episode then opens with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. He is seen wearing a Kingdom Hearts t-shirt, jeans and white Adidas sneakers while drinking a bottle of A&W root beer before he starts his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome to Video Game Month. Like a lot of you, I love video games and I love movies. And then there are video game movies." Sean said.
(We cut to a montage of video games movies like Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros. Doom, Pokemon: The First Movie, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Mortal Kombat and Ratchet and Clank are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) They have the most notorious reputation to be frequently cited as some of the worst movies ever made. But as recent movies have shown signs of improvement, how did they get this reputation in the first place and are they as bad as they say? Well, I've picked out a couple of movies to review and we're gonna look at them.
"And with that said, let's talk about Street Fighter." Sean said.
(A montage of clips featuring gameplay from the Street Fighter video games are shown while Guile's Theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah. It was one of the greatest fighting games that Capcom has brought us. Designed by Takashi Nishiyama and Hiroshi Matsumoto, the original Street Fighter debuted in arcades in back in 1987. I haven't played the original game but I've watched Maximilian Dood do a Boss Rage video on it. Luckily, I've downloaded the Street Fighter Anniversary Collection on my PS5. We're not gonna talk about Street Fighter 2010: The Final Fight. That one sucked. But the most popular in the franchise is Street Fighter II, which I knew about when I was a kid and I've watched my cousins play the game on the Sega Genesis. I was familiar with Street Fighter II and it was the best in the series. Then you have Street Fighter II: Champion Edition, Street Fighter II Turbo, Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers and Super Street Fighter II Turbo… Jesus, how many versions of Street Fighter II are there? And because of the game's popularity, some numbnuts at Universal Studios had a bright idea to turn Street Fighter into a movie….
"The results is a disaster like Street Fighter 2010. And of course I'm talking about the movie Street Fighter." Sean said.
(The title screen for the film "Street Fighter" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Straight To My Feet" by Hammer & Deion Sanders starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 23, 1994 and based on Capcom's hugely popular arcade game, Street Fighter was reviled by critics and fans of the video game and it shows that Hollywood haven't learned their lesson after the release of Super Mario Bros. The movie was written and directed by Steven E. de Souza and if you're an action movie aficionado like me then you're probably familiar with Mr. de Souza's work. He was known for working on blockbuster action films like Commando, Die Hard, 48 Hrs., The Running Man, Die Hard 2, Ricochet, Judge Dredd and Hudson Hawk. And in the same year as Street Fighter, he wrote the screenplay for Beverly Hills Cop III and The Flintstones… and those two movies suck ass… okay, scratch The Flintstones off of the list because I happen to love that movie from my childhood and I am aware of it's faults but come on, you have John Goodman as Fred Flintstone and Rick Moranis as Barney Rubble. Those two are perfect as those characters. Plus, you got Halle Berry in the movie. Helloooooo, Nurse! Hell, Beverly Hills Cop III sucked ass.
"Boy, I am not looking forward to reviewing that abomination in the future." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was also produced by Edward R. Pressman and he was known for producing the films Conan the Barbarian, Wall Street, Cherry 2000, Masters of the Universe and The Crow. He asked de Souza to write the script for the movie and de Souza would only do it if he would direct the film as well and also he knew about Street Fighter because he spent most of his weekends hanging out with his son at the arcade. He wrote the initial draft of the script overnight, being made aware that the execs at Capcom were in Los Angeles on short notice. In other words, the film was clearly done to capitalize on the franchise. It's bad yet good, it's 90s cheese. If I can name a guilty pleasure movie of 90s action cheese and I love me some 80s and 90s action cheese. So let's talk about it!
"Let's Hadouken our way out of this one. This is Street Fighter." Sean said.
(The movie begins with a news report)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens the way every good movie opens is with an exposition dump delivered via fake CNN newscast.
(A news report for GNT World News titled "Crisis in Shadaloo" is shown)
Sander Vanocur: (V/O) Good evening. This is Sander Vanocur, and this is the GNT World News. After seven months of fighting, the civil war in Shadaloo may have reached the turning point. The capital has just fallen.
Sean: (V/O as Reporter) Coming up next on Fox News, we're an absolute disgrace! And now, Laura Ingraham.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown)
Laura Ingraham (Played by Kate McKinnon): Hello, good evening. I'm Laura Ingraham. And just to quickly respond to all of my fan mail, no, you're an a-hole.
Chun-Li (Played by Ming-Na Wen): This is Chun-Li Zang with GNT News. A.N. forces are consolidating their hold on Shadaloo City today after a night of skirmishing that secured this key Southeast Asian port.
"I'm sorry, Shadaloo City? Uh, isn't Shadaloo the name of a fictional crime organization that is run by M. Bison in the video game?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we learn from this exposition dump that the armed forces from the Allied Nations, yeah they're totally not the United Nation, are in the midst of a heated conflict with the army of the power mad drug lord-turned dictator General M. Bison in the Southeast Asian nation of Shadaloo. By the way, in this movie Shadaloo is the name of the nation instead of it being the name of the criminal organization. And while the exposition dump continues, we see the late Raul Julia as M. Bison and he's the best part of the movie and the character is played brilliantly. Julia was one of the most charismatic actors that ever lived and he was taken from us too soon. This movie and The Burning Season were one of his final roles before he died from a stroke. In fact, he was one of my favorite actors of all time and he's done some great movies like Kiss of the Spider Woman, Tequila Sunrise, The Rookie, The Addams Family and it's sequel Addams Family Values. From what I've read while I was writing this review, Julia said that he accepted the role of Bison because his children are huge fans of the video game series. So despite him having some health issues, he managed to be the strong trooper that he is and just gives this performance his all and that is some dedication right there.
Chun-Li: It's been only 24 hours since this dangerous and unpredictable warlord seized 63 Allied Nations relief workers from a village north of here.
Sean: (Narrating) So you're probably wondering what Bison's plan is and we all know what his plan is, you guessed it… taking over the…
"Wait a minute. I see what you're doing here. Since I'm reviewing Street Fighter, you all want me to do the joke. I can tell you right now… it ain't happenin'. No way. Nope. No, siree. That's not gonna happen, Rick. That's gonna happen. There's no way that I am gonna be saying that Bison's plan is to take over the world. OH, SON OF A BITCH!"
M. Bison (Played by Raul Julia): OF COURSE!
"Fucking joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that Bison basks in how evil he is by capturing A.N. relief workers and demands $20 million dollars. Hell, he even bashes you at how evil he is by fighting some of the hostages and snapping their necks.
M. Bison: You came from across the world to fight me, soldier. Now is your chance.
(The A.N. soldier lunges at Bison. Bison grabs the soldier and snaps his spine)
M. Bison: Pathetic!
"Well, at least Mr. de Souza got something right. He made Bison a pushover just like in the video game." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While he's busy snapping spines, Bison sees his arch nemesis Colonel William F. Guile on television. (A picture of Guile from Street Fighter V is shown) In the video game, Guile was an all-American Air Force veteran and he takes pride in being a family man and he loves country music. So, who did they pick to play my favorite character in the movie? Well, the filmmakers picked the most red-blooded American that they could find, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
"And this is a bad casting choice right there because Jean-Claude Van Damme is Belgian." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the biggest problems in the movie. Look, Jean-Claude Van Damme is a talented martial artist, but he cannot act. What is it that Merrick from Adaptation Nation said about him when he reviewed the movie? Oh, yes. (Pictures of Chuck Norris, Steven Segal and Arnold Schwarzenegger are shown) He's got the overinflated ego of Chuck Norris on top of the bland delivery of Steven Segal on top of the sheer unintelligible ability of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And yet, you cast him as Guile?
"Couldn't you cast someone else as Guile? Hell, you could've cast Mark Dacascos as Guile. Oh, wait. Mark Dacascos starred in the movie Double Dragon and that movie sucked. Hey, I have the perfect actor to play Guile." Sean said.
(A picture of Brad Hawkins from V.R. Troopers is shown)
"Yeah! You could've gotten Brad Hawkins from V.R. Troopers to play as Guile. And now that I think about it, Brad Hawkins as Guile would make this movie awesome because that way we can see him fight Raul Julia." Sean said.
Colonel Guile (Played by Jean-Claude Van Damme): That bastard Bison! I know you like to look at yourself on television, you sick son of a bitch. So look at this! (Gives Bison the "Up Yours" sign)/You wanted me on TV. I'm on TV now! Leave it!/He took the bait. Trace that signal stat!/Anytime, dickhead.
(A clip from Shameless is shown)
Mickey Milkovich (Played by Noel Fisher): Speak fuckin' english!
Sean: (Narrating) After Guile delivers his message to Bison on live TV, Bison hijacks the newscast to chat it up with Guile while Guile has his assistant, Sergeant Cammy White played by Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue, to trace his signal. But, Bison is on to them.
M. Bison: You think you're so clever, Guile. Think about this. You have three days. If my $20 billion are not delivered by then, the hostages will dies, and the world will hold you responsible! Victory!
Bison Soldiers: Bison! Bison!
Colonel Guile: You hostages, if you can hear me, we're coming, we're coming! Charlie, hang on, buddy. We're coming! We're coming! Hang on, buddy.
(Guile's friend Charlie sees him on television until Bison has his attention towards Charlie. He walks over towards him and snatches his dog tags)
M. Bison: Carlos Blanka. Charlie! So you are Guile's friend. Take him to the laboratory.
"Okay, so in this movie Guile's friend is Carlos "Charlie" Blanka. And in the game Charlie's name was Charlie Nash. Don't worry, we'll talk about this later on in the movie because I have a major bone to pick with this one. Trust me." Sean said.
Colonel Guile: (To Chun-Li) You know what? For a minute, you were almost useful.
"And for a minute, you were almost not a totally insufferable prick. So I guess that both squares us." Sean said.
Chun-Li: (To Cammy) He doesn't like women, does he?
Cammy (Played by Kylie Minogue): Oh, no. No, he doesn't like journalists. I assure you, it's an equal-opportunity dislike.
(Cut to the Street Fighter II win quote screen, where we see the movie versions of Guile and Chun-Li's faces, followed by a quote from Guile that says "Are you man enough to fight with me?")
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to an underground fight club, where we see two con artists Ryu Hoshi and Ken Masters, played by Byron Mann and Damian Chapa, who are about to meet with an arms dealer named Sagat, played by Wes Studi, who's of Cherokee descent just like me.
"Seriously? You couldn't get someone who's Asian to play Sagat? Why would you have someone, who's Native American, play Sagat? Okay, let me stop right there. I already made that joke in my last review." Sean said.
Sagat (Played by Wes Studi): Good evening, gentlemen.
Ryu (Played by Byron Mann): Good evening, Sagat. Quite a party. Didn't anyone tell you there's a curfew?
Sagat: In Shadaloo City, no one tells me anything.
Helicopter Pilot: (Over loudspeaker) There's a 7:00pm curfew in Shadaloo City. Violators will be shot on sight.
"Wow, talk about an incredible forced sense of irony." Sean said.
Sagat: May I offer you a drink… or anything else?
(Two attractive women appear from behind the beaded curtains)
"Hellooooooooo, nurses! I can go for a little threesome with these two honeys right now. Hell, my recurring fantasies involve me having a threesome with Carly Shay and Sam Puckett from iCarly and Alex Russo and Harper Finkle from Wizards of Waverly Place. Also, my third fantasy involves me having a threesome with porn actresses Kali Roses and Katie Kush. Now, that would be one hell of a threesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Ryu and Ken try to screw over Sagat in an arms deal, but the two best friends are quickly found out as Sagat orders his men to kill them.
(Sagat counts down in a native language until his men shoot at Ryu and Ken with toy guns and he starts laughing)
Sagat: Toys!
"So, that's how the Nicaraguan Contras were supplied Nerf guns for their little revolution." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ken and Ryu fight off some of Sagat's men in a fun, little fight scene until his men appear with real guns and they capture them. Meanwhile, we cut to Bison's hideout, where we see that Bison meets with Dr. Dhalsim, played by Roshan Seth. You know? Chattar Lal from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Anyway, Bison checks on Dhalsim's progress on Blanka and his plan is to turn Blanka into the ultimate supersoldier.
M. Bison: You'll have a perfect soldier.
Dhalsim (Played by Roshan Seth): You mean a perfect killer.
M. Bison: Let's not quibble over definitions. (Sees Blanka on the TV screen) Is that a reaction to the programming? What's he receiving?
Dhalsim: See for yourself.
(Dhalsim shows Bison some footage of war and terror)
M. Bison: Merely educational software. Why does he find it disturbing?
Dhalsim: Because, unlike you, he's not psychotic.
(Bison grabs Dhalsim by his chains and chokes him with it, giving him a menacing stare)
"I'm a high-functioning sociopath, Dhalsim. Do your research." Sean said, imitating Bison.
M. Bison: When his brain has become a killing machine, my… loyal scientists will start on his body.
(Bison's scientists enter the lab with bags of DNA mutagens and anabolic plasma to inject Blanka with)
"Where did he get this equipment on loan from, John Glover?" Sean asked as a picture of John Glover as Dr. Jason Woodrue from Batman & Robin is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) We check back in with Ryu and Ken as Sagat pits Ryu with his champion fighter Vega, played by Jay Tavare.
Ken (Played by Damian Chapa): Popular guy.
Sagat: The greatest cage fighter since Iron Fist.
Ken: Yeah? What happened to him?
Sagat: He retired and became me.
"When did you retire? Oh, let me guess: after you lost an eye. Okay, enough about that. We got a fight to watch." Sean said.
(Cut to the Street Fighter II versus screen, where we see the movie versions of Ryu and Vega while the "Versus Theme" plays in the background. We then cut to Ryu and Vega preparing for their fight)
(A clip from World's Dumbest Brawlers 8 is shown)
Roger Lodge: (As he sits down in his seat) Oh, this is gonna be grea… (to the guy next to him) hey! Good to see you. What's happening, man?
Mike Britt: I've been waiting for fight night. Bring it on!
(Ryu picks up a sword and swings it around before throwing it at Vega, but the sword misses him and pins the column of the ring and the crowd cheers)
"Come on, man! Let's make this fight interesting! No weapons!" Sean yelled out.
Crowd: (Chanting) No weapons! No weapons!
Sean: (V/O as Vega) I'll just take my mask and claw. (Sees Sagat) As a matter of fact, I don't need them. I want the ladies to see my beautiful face. Ole!
(The crowd counts down for the fight to start. The buzzer rings as Ryu and Vega are about to fight. But then, a tank crashes through the wall, interrupting the fight)
Kool-Aid Man: OH, YEAH!
(Guile appears from out of the tank)
Colonel Guile: You're all under arrest.
"Aww, man! Damn! So much for my $500 bucks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Guile and his team have a meeting on the location of Bison's hideout, which is hidden somewhere in the river delta region and…
(An assassin disguised as a waiter hops up on the table while he's armed with a dagger)
"Huh? What? How?!" Sean asked, looking confused to what's happening right now.
(The assassin lunges at Guile, but then Guile knocks the assassin down with a sweeping leg kick before knocking him out and throwing him off of the table)
"Okay, what the hell is going on here?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, why did we get another bad action sequence already? What's the deal with the assassin disguised as a waiter? Why did he try to kill Guile? Who sent this guy? What the hell is going on in Riverdale?
Colonel Guile: Any other new business?
"Yeah, could you please explain what the fuck is going on, movie?" Sean asked.
"Ugh, movies based off video games are normally never good." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Cammy rips this guy's shirt open and finds a tattoo on his chest which is the tattoo of the Shadaloo Tong, and guess who else has the tattoo? None other than Sagat, who happens to have one on his arm. Also, this means that he could be the lead to get Bison because of him selling guns to the mad dictator, he must know where Bison is hiding. So Guile suggests that they have to infiltrate someone into his gang and the two perfect guys are Ken and Ryu… who are about to get their asses kicked by some of the inmates, who want to give them the proper Oz welcome.
Cammy: Excuse me, sir. But Sagat didn't get to the top of the Asian underworld by taking risks.
(Ryu and Ken are busy fighting some of the prison inmates)
Cammy: He's not the type of guy who makes new friends.
(Ryu and Ken continue to fight some of the inmates while Vega gets ready to jump in and kill one of them. The guards blow their whistles to break up the fight as Guile, Cammy and T. Hawk see what's going on)
Colonel Guile: T. Hawk, who are those two men?
(Vega attack Ryu with his claw)
T. Hawk (Played by Gregg Rainwater): Ken Masters and Ryu Hoshi. A couple of low-rent operators. We took 'em in in last night's sweep.
"Christ, how many action sequences did we go through? About 4?" Sean asked. "What's next? Another lame action sequence?"
Sean: (Narrating) So Guile convinces Ryu and Ken to infiltrate Sagat's gang in order to find out what Sagat knows and hopefully track down Bison. Ryu and Ken consider their chance at redemption and they stage a prison break by stealing the keys from T. Hawk, played by Gregg Rainwater, and free themselves.
Sagat: Ryu! Ken! Throw us the keys.
Ken: Go to hell.
Sagat: Forget our past. I can help you escape the city.
(Ryu nods at Ken. Ken then tosses the keys over to Sagat as Vega catches them and hands it over to Sagat. We then cut to Ryu and Vega breaking out of the back of the prison truck and attack the guards before driving away with the truck)
Sean: (V/O as Soldier) Hey, they're getting away! Let's shoot at the prisoners)
(Guile goes after the prisoners as the truck drives towards him and he gets into a shootout with Ken until he gets gunned down by Ken)
"Dude!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.
(The reporters approach Guile's "dead" body to take pictures)
Cammy: Medics! Medics!
"Holy shit. They just killed off Guile. Well, at least we will remember him for starring alongside Dennis Rodman in the movie Double Team and playing as twin brothers in the movie Double Impact." Sean said. "Oh, great. Now there's two movies for me to review later on."
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Bison as we see him sharing his plans to take over Shadaloo by turning it into his wonder of his world called "Bisonopolis" with his henchmen Dee Jay played by Miguel A. Nunez Jr. and Zangief played by Andrew Bryniarski until he sees a news report regarding the death of Guile and Bison is not to happy about the death of his rival because he wanted to face him in the battlefield and then we get one of the greatest villain speeches ever and Raul Julia is awesome in this scene.
M. Bison: Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is to create the perfect genetic soldier! Not for power, not for evil, but for good! Carlos Blanka will be the first of many. They shall march out of my laboratory and sweep away every adversary, every creed, every nation, until the very planet is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica. And then peace will reign in the world, and all humanity… shall bow to me… in humble gratitude.
(The camera pans up to an above shot of Bisonopolis, which is envisioned being built to reflect the logo of his organization)
Zangief (Played by Andrew Bryniarski): That was beautiful.
(Dee Jay turns to Zangief and gives him a look)
"Okay, I just love how they made Zangief, a national Russian hero who fights for the glory of his country, they turned him into a comic relief character who works for Bison. And this is the same guy who played Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake." Sean said, referring to actor Andrew Briniarski.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that news reporter Chun-Li, played by the voice of Mulan herself Ming-Na Wen, is tracking the stolen prison truck that she placed a tracker on earlier with her videographer Balrog, played by Grand L. Bush, and Honda played by Peter Navy Tuiasosopo, who I swear he looked a bit like Jirard Khalil from The Completionist.
(A picture of the movie version of Honda is shown next to a picture of Jirard Khalil from The Completionist)
(While tracking the truck, the get some interference)
Chun-Li: Damn! We got interference.
Balrog (Played by Grand L. Bush): Nah, that's not interference. It's too steady.
Honda (Played by Peter Tuiasosopo): What's the problem?
Chun-Li: We're not the only ones who put a homing device on that truck.
We cut back to Sean, who is seen on his laptop trying to track down the truck and he ends up getting interference from Chun-Li's tracker.
"Oh, what the hell? What the hell?! Who's interfering with my tracker? Is somebody tracking down the same truck as me? If it's Chad Knight, then I'm gonna kick his ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that the other tracker that's been causing some interference is coming from A.N. Headquarters and Chun-Li goes in and sneaks into the building to find out what's going on.
(The song "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from the movie Mulan plays while Chun-Li sneaks into A.N. Headquarters)
"I'm sorry, I had to do it because the fucking Mulan remake doesn't have the song in it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chun-Li tracks down the signal coming from the morgue and she finds Guile.
(Chun-Li walks over to the table and pulls back the sheet, revealing Guile. She puts the sheet back over him until he suddenly comes back to life, startling her)
"Holy shit! It's the walking dead! Quick, shoot him in his head before he stars in Timecop!" Sean yelled out.
Colonel Guile: If I didn't give you an interview when I was alive, no way I'm gonna do it when I'm dead.
Sean: (Narrating) Chun-Li finds out that Guile has staged the prison break and faked his death. But then, Chun-Li has her reasons to get Bison, but T-Hawk and Cammy try to apprehend her after she tries to explain why she's after Bison, but she gets away and we get this stupid joke.
(Cammy and T-Hawk run over to the window)
T-Hawk: Hey, stop. Stop! You don't have a chance!
Cammy: Stop!
T-Hawk: What a screwup!
(Guile runs over to the window and sees Chun-Li escaping)
Colonel Guile: What a woman!
(Cammy and T-Hawk look at Guile)
"That's my kind of woman, that's my cup of tea, that's my kind of woman, the girl I want for me." Sean sings the George Strait song while donning a cowboy hat and playing the guitar.
Sean: (Narrating) Chun-Li, Balrog and Honda track down Bison to an arms dealer, where they disguise themselves as the entertainment. Not to mention that Sagat, Ken and Ryu are there while Sagat makes business with Bison.
Ken: This place makes Detroit look like Disneyland. The only question is, whose lowlifes are gonna kill us first, Sagat's or Bison's?
"Hey, you know what they say about Detroit, it's the most happiest place on earth… aside from the highest crime rates." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Ken sees Chun-Li and figures he wants to go tap that ass. So, he follows her into a tent and tries to hit on her but he gets punched out. Anyway, onto that arms deal as we see Sagat is selling some weapons to Bison.
M. Bison: I am pleased with your goods, Sagat. Now, as for payment, why settle for mere money? After I defeat the A.N., what if I were to share the country with you?
Sagat: When the war is over, we'll see how much of the country is left. Meanwhile, let's see the color of your money.
"Oh, don't worry, Sagat. I'm sure that the color of his money is green. He's not gonna screw you out of the deal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Ryu checks in on Ken to see if he's getting some until he gets pushed into the tent by Balrog and Honda as Chun-Li explains to them that she knows that they're working for Guile and that they're the good guys.
Ryu: I know you. You're Edmund Honda, the sumo from Hawaii. You almost made Yokozuna.
Honda: Until the Shadaloo Tong destroyed my reputation.
Balrog: They did the same thing to me and my boxing career.
"Uh, Balrog. I hate to break it to you, but you were one of the bad guys working for Shadaloo in the video game. You were one of the four main members of Shadaloo! There's you, Vega, Sagat and the big man himself Bison! God, movie. With these changes made, you sure are trying to give me an aneurysm." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chun-Li let's our two heroes know that the arms deal is gonna blow Bison and Sagat straight to hell, which is happening right now when he gives Butthead Sagat a bunch of money with his face on it.
"See, kids? This is what happens when you deal with dictators for weapons and ammunition." Sean said.
Sagat: I must've been insane to think I could do business with you, Bison! You raving lunatic!
(Sagat throws the money into the fire, insulting Bison)
M. Bison: You will die for this insult, Sagat.
Sean: (Narrating) But Ken and Ryu step in at the wrong place at the wrong time when it's about to turn into a heated arms race between Bison and Sagat. Ryu points out the enemy spies, only to find a recording of Chun-Li and her team. So, she rigs a truck filled with dynamite to blow up Bison's weapons and we get one of the funniest lines in the movie and this movie is worth watching for this scene.
(Dee Jay, Vega, Zangief, Bison, Sagat, Ryu and Ken see the truck heading right towards them. Dee Jay, Ken, Ryu, Vega and Zangief look over at the television to see the truck driving through the crowd of people)
Zangief: Quick! Change the channel!
(Dee Jay, Ken, Ryu and Vega look at Zangief)
"Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I did laugh at that moment. That's one of the funniest moments ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So everybody evacuates as the truck blows up until Chun-Li, Honda and Balrog get captured by Bison while Ryu and Ken are brought in as supposed loyal members of the organization. He has Honda and Balrog sent into the interrogation room while he has Chun-Li sent to his chambers.
M. Bison: We have decided to grant her a private interview.
Sean: (V/O as Bison) I am going to give her a story that she will never forget. And by "story", I mean my…
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): Shut up!
"Sorry. Dang, it's bad enough that I have Princess Leia telling me to shut up right when I was about to do my dirty joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With twelve hours until Bison's deadline, Guile and his team outlines his plan to attack Bison's stronghold. And is it just me or are they trying to rip-off a certain scene from a certain movie?
Colonel Guile: The only chance is an assault with a small amphibious force… here. The main force will come from the north, while a single vessel equipped with the latest in stealth technology will come up this channel and strike these defenses from the east.
Captain Sawada (Played by Kenya Sawada): (Raises his hand) Colonel?
Colonel Guile: Yes?
Captain Sawada: A single boat against everything he's got? The pilot would have to be out of his mind.
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
General Dodonna (Played by Alex McCrindle): The battle station is heavily shielded and carries a firepower greater than half the starfleet. Its defenses are designed around a direct, large-scale assault. A small one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defenses.
Gold Leader (Played by Angus MacInnes): Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub fighters going to be against that?
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Bison's headquarters, Balrog and Honda are about to get a proper Shadaloo welcome from their torturer in a pretty hilarious scene.
Bison's Torturer (Played by Joe Bugner): Let me show you how we treat foreigners in Shadaloo.
(The torturer grabs a whip and starts whipping Honda. Every time he keeps whipping him, Honda acts like it has no effect on him. He grabs another whip and whips Honda, this time the whip breaks as Balrog laughs)
Bison's Torturer: You are next, Yankee!
Balrog: Maybe you oughta lie down first.
Sean: (V/O as Balrog) You can't whip me. This ain't Roots, motherfu…
(The torturer punches Balrog in the face)
Sean: (V/O as Balrog) OW! Son of a bitch! Ow!
(The torturer leaves)
Balrog: Oh, man. (Sees the whipping marks on Honda's back) Oh, God. How do you keep from crying out?
Honda: I'm sumo, brother. My body can be in one place, my mind another.
Balrog: Next time your mind leaves, tell it to bring back a pizza.
(Honda laughs)
"I bet ya Honda's mind was thinking of a nice Hawaiian pizza." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Guile and his troops get ready for battle until they are interrupted by a pencil-necked, bureaucratic asshole played by Simon Callow, who would go on to play the bad guy in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and the voice of Mr. Grasshopper in James and the Giant Peach.
A.N. Official (Played by Simon Callow): The Security Council has just voted. They've decided to negotiate.
Colonel Guile: You're joking!
A.N. Official: We think we can deal with General Bison.
"Are you out of your mind?! We do not negotiate with actors from The Addams Family." Sean said.
A.N. Official: You're instructed to call off the assault. Contact him. Request an extension of his deadline. We are prepared to pay the ransom demand.
Colonel Guile: Twenty billion dollars? What will prevent him from taking more hostages next month and asking for 50 billion, 100 billion?
A.N. Official: Colonel, have you lost your mind?
Colonel Guile: No. You've lost your balls!
(A clip from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls is shown)
Ace Ventura (Played by Jim Carrey): That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD!
Sean: (Narrating) So Mr. Smug British Man tells Guile to deliver these instructions to his troops and he makes a speech so ridiculous that President Joe Biden will tell him to shut up.
Colonel Guile: Troopers, I just received new orders. Our superiors say the war is canceled. We can all go home. Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends who have died here… will have died for nothing. But… we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom and justice, they get packed up. But… we can all go home. Well, I'm not going home. I'm gonna get on my boat, and I'm going upriver. And I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass so hard that the next Bison wanna-be is gonna feel it. Now, who wants to go home… and who wants to go with me?
(Guile's troops cheer for him)
"Now let's all go home and be family men… and women!" Sean said, imitating Guile.
A.N. Official: Colonel Guile, these instructions… (Sees that the instructions fell out of the folder) Stop them, please.
Colonel Guile: Hey, I would love to! But some moron just canned me.
(A clip from the Trump/Biden debate is shown)
Joe Biden: Will you shut up, man?
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bison and Chun-Li share a moment when she reveals that Bison raided her village and murdered her father while he was a petty drug lord back then.
M. Bison: I'm sorry. I don't remember any of it.
Chun-Li: You don't remember?
M. Bison: For you… the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me… it was Tuesday.
"And another reason why I love this movie. That classic line is uttered by Bison and I just love Chun-Li's facial expression after he says it. It gets me every time." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Chun-Li reveals to Bison that she spent the past ten years working in the media world just to gather intelligence on her and finding partners who hated him. And on top of all that, she studied the martial arts of three continents so that way she could meet him face to face and avenge her father, all while Bison is trying to put the moves on her.
M. Bison: (Laughs) I don't think so. You see, no one has ever seen you in combat. You always hid behind your sumo and your boxer. Why, since you entered this country, you never even threw a single punch. No, my dear. I know women. And you… are harmless.
"That's easy for you to say, buddy. She once took on a Mongol army and blew up their leader." Sean said, referencing the movie Mulan.
Sean: (Narrating) Chun-Li breaks through her chains and shows Bison what he's got by beating the crap out of him. But Honda, Balrog, Ryu and Ken arrive as Bison hides in his safe room, only for our heroes to get knocked out by sleeping gas. Meanwhile, Guile and his team get ready to assault Bison's stronghold and after ripping off Star Wars once more, Guile puts his boat into cloaking mode and takes out Bison's radar array.
Dee Jay (Played by Miguel A. Nunez Jr.): General! Something very strange on the river. Two of our radar stations just went down.
M. Bison: Go to visual.
(Dee Jay cuts to visual on the giant television screen. It cuts to a scene from the 1989 film Kickboxer, where we see the character Kurt Sloane, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, dancing in a bar with two women while the song "Feeling So Good Today" by Beau Williams starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Bison jams the boat's cloaking mode and unleashes his defenses on Guile, forcing him to reveal himself to him.
M. Bison: This is General Bison. Our defenses are locked onto you. Identify yourself.
Colonel Guile: This is the collection agency, Bison. Your ass is six months overdue… and it's mine.
Sagat: Guile? Alive!
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
We cut back to Sean as we see him chuckling a bit from Bison's response.
"Okay, can you imagine M. Bison with this response?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) In fact, let's try this: let's ask Bison a question and see how he responds to it. As a matter of fact: how about a series of questions to ask him.
"Hey, Bison. Do you want a cookie?" Sean asked.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
"Hey, Bison. Is Sam Puckett hotter than Jade West?" Sean asked.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
"Hey, Bison. Does the execs down at ABC deserved to get slapped for canceling American Housewife?" Sean asked.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
"Hey, Bison. Do you think that Brazzers is better than Reality Kings?" Sean asked.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
"Hey, Bison. Is Joe Rogan the biggest piece of shit on the face of the earth?" Sean asked.
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
"Try some of these at home. I would love to see what you could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bison whips out his Street Fighter II arcade controller and unleashes some mines and tries to kill our heroes in one of the stupidest aquatic mine-related scenes. Insert joke from Batman Forever.
(Bison tries to blow up Guile's boat with a couple of mines while mashing on the buttons until he manages to blow up the boat. Guile's boat explodes and Bison laughs before cutting to a clip from Batman Forever)
The Riddler (Played by Jim Carrey): (Shrieks) YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!
M. Bison: Game… over!
Sean: (Narrating) But Guile, Cammy and T-Hawk make it out of the explosion and they infiltrate the island after knocking out Bison's idiotic troops. Back in the lab, Dr. Dhalsim rebels against Bison as he unleashes the ultimate soldier as we see Carlos Blanka turned into Blanka the super soldier, who looks like a mix between Lou Ferrigno's Hulk, one of the cavemen from the Geico commercial and Tim Curry's Pennywise.
(Blanka sees Dhalsim getting attacked by the Bison Trooper and he attacks the guard)
Sean: (V/O as Blanka) Excuse me, sir. Do you have Prince Albert in the can? BLANKA SMASH!
"Okay. Look, in the game Blanka was not a super soldier. He was born a boy named Jimmy, who was involved in a plane crash in the Amazon rainforest. Then after the crash, he was exposed to electric eels, which triggered his mutation. Also, Charlie Nash was killed by Bison in the game, did I mention that? So yeah, the director decided to combine Charlie Nash and Blanka together into one character. Come on, dude. Stop changing shit. We don't need these changes. I mean, haven't you learned from Super Mario Bros.?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Guile makes his way into the smashed up lab and he comes across his friend Charlie, who recognizes him as his friend and he agrees to help him… by trying to put a bullet in his head. But, Dhalsim intervenes because he has a life too and creatures deserve to live, dammit!
Dhalsim: Will you kill him because he has difficulty understanding the difference?
"Uh, no. Will you stop joining crazy cults where the leader rips out people's hearts and lowering them into a pit of lava and making you drink blood?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) With the help of Dhalsim, he shows him the way to get to Bison's throne room through the incubation chamber and gives that crazy dictator a flying leg kick to the chest and he gets into a shoot out with some of the troops, who have very sucky aim like the Stormtroopers from Star Wars. Anyway, the others have the renewed courage to break free from their bonds all while…. Yeah, I'm gonna let Willem Dafoe take over from here.
(A clip from The Boondock Saints is shown)
Paul Smecker (Played by Willem Dafoe): (Shouts) There was a firefight!
(We cut to Guile getting into a shootout with some of Bison's troops while cutting back to footage from The Boondock Saints, where Paul Smecker is conducting the firefight before cutting back to the shootout between Guile's troops and Bison's troops while a choir sings in the background)
"I cannot believe that I made a reference to The Boondock Saints. Yeah, a movie so awesome deserves to be referenced in this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Guile's troops show up on the island and they overpower Bison's troops. Meanwhile, Honda faces off against Zangief. Ken decides to wuss out and not be a hero while Ryu is decides to be a hero. But come on, I've paid good money to see a fight between Guile and Bison. Can we see that fight, please? And that fight better be fucking awesome.
M. Bison: Hiding? What do I have to fear from you? Worker ants scurrying about with their pitiful weapons, afraid of the purity of unarmed combat.
Colonel Guile: Come out from behind the curtain, wizard! Let's see how pure your combat really is. Come on!
T. Hawk: Sir, no! That's exactly what he wants!
Colonel Guile: No, T. Hawk. That's what we both want. Am I right, Bison?
"Yo, enough smack talk. Just fight already!" Sean exclaimed.
Colonel Guile: Are you man enough to fight with me?
M. Bison: Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed.
Sean: (Narrating) Guile tells his men to evacuate the area with the hostages and he and Bison face off in their final showdown.
M. Bison: You have made me a happy man.
Colonel Guile: Next, I'll make you a dead one.
Sean: (V/O as announcer) Fight!
(Bison lunges at Guile, but then Guile uppercuts Bison in the face and we get a shot of Guile's muscular bicep with the tattoo of the American flag)
"America… love it or get your ass kicked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Guile and Bison duke it out until Guile gets the upper hand and defeats Bison by kicking him into the control console, which ends up shocking him to death. Well, that was a short fight… weeeeeeeelllllll….
(Guile turns around and sees Bison, who comes back to life as he fires electric bolts at him)
"Oy. Seriously. Where have I seen that before? Oh, right. Return of the Jedi!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dee Jay heads into Bison's office and takes the money and run while Ken enters the office, only to find Ryu about to get beaten up by Sagat and Vega in their chance for revenge. Before we cut back to Guile and Bison, where we see the evil dictator using the power of electromagnetism and starts flying around and beating the crap out of Guile. I guess it must be "Psycho Power". And then we switch back to Ryu, as we see Ken joining the fight and saves Ryu and they both fight Sagat and Vega and they in which our two favorite best friends come out victorious. And then it's back to Guile and Bison, where Bison is unleashing some unlimited power on Guile's ass, until this happens.
M. Bison: You still refuse to accept… my godhood? Keep your own God! In fact, this might be a good time to pray to him. For I beheld Satan, and he fell from heaven… like lightning!
(Bison flies right towards Guile, but then Guile kicks Bison, sending him flying back towards the gigantic monitor wall. He crashes as Guile makes a run for it as stuff explodes)
Colonel Guile: Bison, you're off the air!
"Oh, come on. I can come up with a few funny jokes better than this one. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the Top 10 TV Jokes That Go With This Death Scene." Sean said.
(Text displaying just that appears on the screen, followed by a brief numbered countdown with the clip of Bison crashing into the gigantic monitor wall is replayed each time while Guile's Theme plays in the background, starting with "10".)
"The revolution will not be televised, motherfucker." Sean said.
("9.")
"My mother always tell me there's way too much violence on television." Sean said.
("8.")
"Here's your face on the news, Bison!" Sean exclaimed.
("7.")
"This death was made possible by viewers like you." Sean said.
("6.")
"Smile! You're on TV!" Sean exclaimed.
("5.")
"This program contains some violent content. Parental discretion is advised." Sean said.
("4.")
"Boy, sweeps week can be murder." Sean said.
("3.")
"Man, the new iCarly is violent." Sean said.
("2.")
"Welcome to The Bison Report on Fox News." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O) And the #1 best TV joke to be associated with this scene is…
Zangief: Quick! Change the channel!
"Play me off, Paul!" Sean exclaimed as he starts dancing as Paul Shaffer's band plays him off.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes find and release the hostages just in time and they evacuate the area because of the superconductor field meltdown and Zangief catches up with Bison and he has to explain to him that Bison is the enemy of peace and freedom to the hulking Russian.
Dee Jay: Our boss is the enemy of freedom and peace. These people have come from all over the world to stop him. If you're smart, you'll save your own ass.
Zangief: General Bison, he's a bad guy? If you know this, then why do you serve him?
Dee Jay: Because he paid me a freakin' fortune, you moron!
Zangief: You got… paid?
"Oh, man. I just love Zangief in this movie. They've picked the perfect actor to portray him. Hell, they made him look like the character from the video game. Kudos to the director." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Guile heads back to the laboratory to say his goodbyes to Dhalsim and Charlie. And for some odd reason, Dhalsim is bald. Okay, what the hell happened? One minute, we saw him as a scientist and then next he looks like Xerxes from 300. Are you trying to make him look like a bald yogi? Eh, fuck it! The two of them stay behind as the whole base blows up. Guile makes it out alright, Dee Jay and Sagat get screwed out of their money with Bison bucks, the hostages are freed and Bison's troops are arrested. Also, Guile hooks up with Chun-Li for that "private" interview. And they all live happily ever after…
(Our heroes see the last ruins of the temple explode and the film ends with the characters take their familiar win poses as the camera freezes and the title of the movie is shown and we hear the sound of Chun-Li laughing)
"Weeeeeeeeeeelllllll…." Sean said.
(We see Bison's fist smashing through the rubble, apparently having been resurrected before cutting to a computer screen)
Computer Voice: Good morning, General Bison. What is your menu choice for today?
(We see a command that says "World Domination" and the mouse cursor clicks on replay)
"Bison came back to life in Street Fighter II and we saw the appearance of Akuma. Nah, I'm just kidding. They never made a sequel because this movie sucks." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The story is incredibly simplistic and predictable, it never takes risks and it follows the basic 90s formula, there's way too many characters in the movie because Steven E. de Souza felt he could get everyone they could into this movie and it becomes impossible to keep track with everyone in this film and very few characters bear any resemblance to their video game counterparts, except for Zangief, they did a perfect job on him. Also, you have a bad action sequence on top of a bad action sequence on top of a bad action sequence. It's so bad, yet I find it enjoyable to watch because of Raul Julia, the movie would not be as memorable and fun and makes the movie so watchable and cheesy. He's the one thing in this movie that's making it work. If you casted somebody else as M. Bison, then this movie would not work. Hell, Raul Julia is a better M. Bison than Neal McDonough's Bison in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Street Fighter is the greatest bad movie ever made in all of it's cheesy 90s goodness. If you happen to come across it on TV or find it on Blu-Ray, then get it and watch it… and bring some drinks too, because you're gonna need it, coming in at 3 Bison Bucks out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Video Game Month has just begun." Sean said before he gets up and leaves.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Quick! Change the channel!
Whew! And that was my review of Street Fighter: The Movie. Sorry, that it took me a while to get this review done. I've been busy with work and this bad weather. But yeah, since the snow is melting some and work been a little slow, hopefully, you all enjoy this review that I've worked on and enjoy some of it's funny moments. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Video Game Month continues as Sean takes a look at the 2001 film Lara Croft: Tomb Raider starring Angelina Jolie, is this movie the best video game adaptation or is it just like every other video game movie. Then after the Tomb Raider review, there's the Mortal Kombat 2021 review, which is going to involve Sean and Chad Knight from Up All Knight reviewing the movie. Don't forget to review the story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for more Video Game Month. Till next time, my fellow readers.