The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Video Game Month continues as Sean moves on to the next film on his agenda when he takes a look at the 2001 action-adventure film Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and he sees if this movie is a good video game movie or does it suck like the other video game movies. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one to drink. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is owned by Paramount Pictures, Mutual Film Company, Lawrence Gordon Productions and Eidos Interactive.
Video Game Month Part II: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
(We open with the Video Game Intro a la parody to the intro to The Completionist. After the intro ends, we cut to our fellow critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he starts his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome back to Video Game Month." Sean said. "Okay, so I am hyped that the new Uncharted movie is coming out this month."
(Clips from the Uncharted trailer is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get to see the thrilling and fantastic adventures of Nathan Drake and Victor "Sully" Sullivan come to life on the big screen and I can't wait to see it. Well, that and I'm also excited for my 30th birthday coming up. Yeah, the big 3-0. And I've got a feeling that the movie is going to be really good with Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg as Nathan Drake and Sully and I am a huge fan of the games. But then you have to remember: this is a movie based on a video game and there's a rule about video game movies: video game movies suck balls. But hey, I have hope for this one and as a fan of Uncharted, they better not screw this one up.
"But before Nathan Drake, let me tell you the story about a famous archaeologist. And she goes by the name of Lara Croft." Sean said.
(Footage from past and current Tomb Raider games featuring Lara Croft are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Tomb Raider is a popular video game franchise that started in 1996 and it stars our main hero and sex symbol and also every teenage boy's fantasy girl Lara Croft. What can I say about her that isn't said about her anyway?
(A picture of Lara Croft is shown with the following text that reads "She has an awesome rack!")
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that. But anyway, she's a strong, independent female character that knows how to kick some ass. We've seen her find the Scion of Atlantis, took on an obsessed cult who's leader turned into a dragon, recover four pieces of a meteorite across the world, race against time to imprison the Egyptian God Set and we've seen her get framed for the murder of her former mentor… oh, wait. I forgot, we don't talk about Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness. That game is dead to us. Yeah, we've seen her do a lot. I mean, are men only interested in her because of her body?
(A clip from the G4 Lara Croft "Hike" promo is shown)
Lara Croft: No. I'm rich too, darling.
"And because of the Tomb Raider series is a big hit and popular with the fans, you know that Hollywood stepped in to make a movie based on the video game. And that movie is Lara Croft: Tomb Raider." Sean said.
(The title screen for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is shown followed by clips from the movie while the song "Where's Your Head At" by Basement Jaxx plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 15, 2001. This movie is based on the popular game franchise that followed the adventures of Lara Croft. The movie did well at the box-office and it was the highest-grossing film on it's opening weekend but the reviews weren't good when the critic panned it.
"Well, what do you expect from a movie based on a video game that involves fighting a T-Rex, a giant mutants and cult leaders turning into dragons? Are you expecting to see that in the movie? Stupid critics." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was written by Sara B. Cooper, Mike Werb and Michael Colleary. Werb and Colleary were known for working on the screenplays for Darkman III: Die, Darkman, Die, the John Woo movie Face/Off and Firehouse Dog. And the movie was directed by English director Simon West, who was known for directing the films The Expendables 2, Con Air, The General's Daughter and he directed the Rick Astley music video "Never Gonna Give You Up", which I did not know that he directed it when I read his filmography while I was working on the review. And as much as I love this movie, mostly because of Angelina Jolie, you know that there's going to be some dumb moments in the movie. Trust me, but I think that this movie still holds up. Or will it suck like The Angel of Darkness?
"Well, let's strap ourselves in for this action thrillride, this is Lara Croft: Tomb Raider." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a shot of Lara Croft hanging upside down in an Egyptian temple)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts as we see Lara Croft, played by Angelina Jolie, just hanging around in an Egyptian temple while trying to avoid traps and to get a diamond at one end of a chamber. Okay, is it just me or am I getting some Raider of the Lost Ark/Legends of the Hidden Temple Vibes coming from this scene.
(The Temple Run Timer theme from Legends of the Hidden Temple plays in the background during the scene while Lara goes through the temple and the timer appears on the screen until she is attacked by a large robot)
Sean: (Narrating) Lara then gets attacked by a robot and starts shooting at it with two guns.
"Because really, bullets can kill robots." Sean said.
(Lara shoots at a pillar, causing it to fall on top of the robot, crushing it. Then, she looks at the diamond and flips her guns into her holsters. The robot suddenly gets up and the fight continues)
"Geez, this robot has nine lives like a cat." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Robot) Time to terminate you, you bi… (Lara grabs one of the robot's arms to cut off off one of it's sawblades) Ow! What the hell, man?!
(The robot's other saw blade gets stuck on the ground)
Sean: (Narrating) Lara reenacts a scene from RoboCop 2 by ripping out the robot's circuits to shut it down successfully and she grabs the diamond.
(The robot comes back to life and tries to attack Lara)
Lara Croft (Played by Angelina Jolie): Stop!
(The robot doesn't attack Lara)
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, this turns out to be a training simulation to show the audience what to expect in the movie like in the game. Except, you don't fight a robot in the game but you do go through Lara's mansion. And this training simulation takes place in Croft Manor and her assistant Bryce, played by Noah Taylor, programmed the robot named S.I.M.O.N., to challenge her in combat.
Bryce (Played by Noah Taylor): Not live rounds, Lara. He's in real pain right now.
(Lara blows at her gun)
Bryce: This is a major remodel, you know. This is a disaster.
Lara Croft: Was it programmed to stop before it took my head off?
Bryce: Ah, well, that would be a no.
Lara Croft: Hmmm.
"Hey, what can you expect from a sadist like Locke?" Sean asked as a picture of Noah Taylor as Locke from Game of Thrones is shown
Sean: (Narrating) After her training session, Lara has time to take a shower.
(We see Lara taking a shower)
Sean: (Narrating) So this is how women shower in PG-13 movies. It looks like Lara is doing an Herbal Essence commercial. Anyway, so her British butler Hillary, played by Chris Barrie, arrives with a dress for her to wear. But she doesn't have time to be a lady. In fact, she has time to take off her towel and walk around in the nude.
(Lara removes her towel and walks around naked)
Hillary (Played by Chris Barrie): (Sighs) And a lady should be modest.
Lara Croft: Yes, a lady should be modest.
"And if you're expecting to see Angelina Jolie naked in this movie, then forget it. This movie is rated PG-13. Even though we get a bit of side boobage from her. And if you want to see her naked, then go watch Wanted or Taking Lives or Gia, you little perverts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Venice, Italy, where the clouds are moving fast, as we see the Illuminati are searching for a key that would give them supreme power.
"Really? The Illuminati? What the hell am I watching Angels & Demons? This is a Tomb Raider movie. Why's the goddamn Illuminati involved? I swear, if Tom Hanks shows up in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that a member of the Illuminati named Manfred Powell, played by Iain Glen, has an explanation to give to the other members.
Manfred Powell (Played by Iain Glen): I have no explanation. Certainly no excuses. Except to once again respectfully remind the council that we are working from clues based on ancient cosmological models… predating Aristotle. But I'm happy to announce that we're almost ready. And I am supremely confident that we will have our answer in time for the relevant planetary alignment.
Distinguished Gentlemen (Played by Richard Johnson): So, we will have possession of the key in… one week.
Manfred Powell: Yes, indeed… one week.
"Oh, shit. How the hell will I find the key in one week? Sam cured my greyscale in a day." Sean said, referencing Game of Thrones while imitating Manfred.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, is it just me or does Powell's assistant looks like a chick with that mullet? (Cut to Powell's assistant, Pimms) I know it's a dude but come on, dude looks like a lady. Hell, I thought it was Jack Noseworthy with a mullet. (A picture of actor Jack Noseworthy is shown) Anyway, we cut back to Lara as we see that there's something bothering her.
Hillary: Back to work, I'm afraid. It's adventure time.
"Come on grab your friends. We'll go to very distant lands." Sean said, referencing Adventure Time.
Lara Croft: Egypt again. It's nothing but pyramids and sand.
Hillary: I know. Gets everywhere… in the cracks.
"Oh, goddamn it. Now I have to make this reference." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is shown)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
Sean: (Narrating) The reason why Lara is feeling moody is because it's May 15th, which is the anniversary of the disappearance of her father and she has not recovered from that loss. Later that night, Lara had a dream about what her father Lord Richard Croft, played by Angelina Jolie's real life father Jon Voight, had said about the alignment.
Lord Richard Croft (Played by Jon Voight): The exact alignment of the planets necessary to activate the triangle only occurs once every 5,000 years. But that will prove to be just long enough for little Lara Croft to grow up and to find it.
(Lara, while sleeping, has a nightmare showing a coffin breaking apart, revealing light. She then wakes up while holding a knife)
"Jesus Christ, Lara. Just be glad that you don't have a guy in bed with you. It wouldn't be a pretty sight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This nightmare wakes her up as she ends up finding something hidden under the stairs. No, not Harry Potter or the people under the stairs. She finds a secret room and discovers an old clock. So, she wakes up Bryce to examine the old clock.
Bryce: Must be one of them ticking clocks, eh?
Lara Croft: It was hidden in a secret room.
(Bryce makes a weird noise)
Lara Croft: Bryce. Don't start.
Bryce: Lara, it's a clock. It ticks. It tells the time. It's wrong.
"It's supposed to be 5:05am. It's set for 6:05am." Sean said, imitating Bryce.
Lara Croft: It started ticking last night during the first stage of the alignment.
Bryce: (Sighs) Well, gonna need some coffee.
"Okay, what would you like? Would you like a cup of Folgers with french vanilla cream?" Sean asked.
Hillary: (To Bryce) Your coffee, sir. Decaf latte with nonfat milk.
Bryce: Oh, champion. Steaming sump oil.
"Really? How does decaf wake you up? Get some caffeine in your system, you pussy." Sean said.
(Lara notices an object in the clock)
Lara Croft: Wait. What did you do?
Bryce: I don't know. What did I do?
Lara Croft: Where is that?
Bryce: I don't know. I just took my hand off the fiber optics.
Hillary: What is that?
(Bryce loses sight of the hidden object)
Bryce: Oh, bugger!
Lara Croft: Bugger.
"What? You British people can't say a curse word? Come on, at least let out a "shit" or a "damn" or a "fuck". Okay, maybe that word is a little too vulgar for you. So, let's not use that word." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara grabs a hammer and decides to go all Gallagher on the clock by smashing it and finds a strange device that was hidden inside. So, she heads down to an auction house, where she consults a friend of her father's named Mr. Wilson…
(A clip from Dennis the Menace is shown)
Dennis Mitchell (Played by Mason Gamble): Hey, Mr. Wilson!
Sean: (Narrating) …wrong Mr. Wilson. Anyway, a friend of her father's named Mr. Wilson, played by Leslie Phillips respectively, is a clock expert and before they look at the device, she runs into a fellow tomb raider by the name of Alex West, played by a pre-James Bond Daniel Craig.
Alex West (Played by Daniel Craig): Lara Croft. I don't believe it./You're still pretending to be a photojournalist?
"Are you still pretending to be American, Mr. Craig?" Sean asked.
Alex West: You know, I think it's really cool that you still have a day job even though it's obviously just for show.
Lara Croft: So, Alex, are you still pretending to be an archaeologist?
"Well, I don't know. Are you still pretending to be British, Ms. Jolie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) You know what's funny? You have an American playing a Brit and a Brit playing an American. It's like they're trying to insult each other with their accent.
Alex West: Do we always have to fight like this? I mean, maybe we don't.
Lara Croft: Maybe we do.
Alex West: Why?
Lara Croft: You stole my prayer wheels.
Alex West: Stole? Stole? From you? You know, that's funny. You know, it's… It's not like you ever really owned them or anything.
(Cut to a clip from Die Hard With a Vengeance, showing the character Simon Gruber speaking in an American accent)
Simon Gruber (Played by Jeremy Irons): (In an American accent) Well, it's Wall Street, sir. A lot of money here. A lot of opinion makers the mayor doesn't wanna piss off, you know?
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Wilson checks out the device that Lara found that she believes it to be connected to the "Triangle of Light". But Wilson has never heard of it and he can't help her because this device is mysterious. So, he calls Lara later to meet up with Powell and talk to him about it, in which she does the next day, where she is greeted by Powell's assistant Pimms, played by Julian Rhind-Tutt.
Lara Croft: Mr. Pimms?
Mr. Pimms (Played by Julian Rhind-Tutt): Yeah, like the beverage.
"Uh, I believe that's Mr. Pibb, fuckwit." Sean said.
Lara Croft: What does Mr. Powell do?
Mr. Pimms: He's a lawyer. I'm his law clerk and fairly recent appointment, but enjoying it, all the varied work.
Sean: (V/O as Lara) Why the bloody hell do you look like a girl?
Manfred Powell: Isn't it obvious. Lady Croft, my pleasure.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara meets Powell and she shows him photographs of the clock and he says this to her.
Manfred Powell: This is a pleasurable torment. My ignorance amuses me.
(Cut back to Lara speaking with Bryce)
Bryce: "My ignorance amuses me." (Scoffs) "My ignorance amuses me"?
"My God, that line is so ridiculous. The movie had to make fun of it.
Manfred Powell: My ignorance amuses me.
"Boy, and I thought, "If you do not tell me, I will hurt people." was ridiculous." Sean said while a clip from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is shown featuring Nuclear Man saying that line.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we that Lara is having a peaceful night in her mansion by…
(Lara is seen bungie-jumping in her own living room)
"Okay, Lara is such an adrenaline-junkie in this movie. She does everything for the thrill of it. And man, Angelina Jolie was perfect for the role." Sean said.
(Various clips and photos featuring Angelina Jolie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Back in the days, Angelina Jolie made her name as a wild child. She experimented with drugs, gotten married a bunch of times, creepily made out with her brother, she was sexually adventrous and kinky, filmed her own drug deals, her relationship with her father Jon Voight has been on-and-off and to top it all off she carried a vial of her husband's blood around her neck. Now how crazy is that?
"Hell, and I though Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly drinking each other's blood after getting engaged was ridiculous." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But since then, she's calmed down and got more serious and she's done a lot of good movies and she's even on good terms with her father. When they casted Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, the news was controversial because fans of the Tomb Raider series felt that she wasn't physically appropriate enough to play Lara Croft. But come on, so what if her boobs aren't big like Lara's? Deal with it. In fact, before Jolie, there were other actresses who were interested to play Lara Croft. Actresses like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Famke Jannesn, Jennifer Lopez, Rhona Mitra, Elizabeth Hurley, Ashley Judd, Sandra Bullock, Denise Richards, Diane Lane, Demi Moore and Catherine Zeta-Jones. If they casted Catherine Zeta-Jones as Lara Croft, then the Nostalgia Critic would end up jizzing his pants.
"Hell, that's how I would feel if they casted Diane Lane as Lara Croft. In fact, I wonder what it would be like if they casted Diane Lane as Lara Croft." Sean said.
(A picture of Lara Croft with Diane Lane's head superimposed on her body is shown)
Taylor: (V/O as Lara Croft) Do me, Sean.
"Marry me." Sean said.
"Hey!" Taylor yelled out off-screen.
"Love you, babe!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, seeing her fight robots in her mansion, riding motorcycles and bungee-jumping in her own living room, I can totally see her doing stuff like this and I love seeing this wild, exciting side of Lara.
(Several armed commandos invade the mansion by breaking through the skylight as one of the commandos come face to face with Lara as she tilts her head and gives a brief smirk before she dodges the commandos' bullets
"Okay, you guys must be the most retarted commandos in the world! That's some straight-up World's Dumbest Criminals-shit right there!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Screw having the worst security system in your home, she is the security system. She's was expecting an action sequence to happen and judging by the look that she gave that guy, she was waiting for something to happen. Yeah, imagine if two bumbling burglars entering someone's house with the door unlocked and they come across this.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Brian and his brother Adam, playing as two burglars as they enter the house. After they step inside, we see Sean, who's playing the owner of the house, turning on the light while he's sitting on the couch. He is seen armed with an MP5 submachine gun and he is seen with a smile on his face)
Sean: (as Owner) Hi, feel free to come inside.
Brian: (as Burglar #1) Uh, you know what, we'll come back another time.
Sean: Oh, no need to leave. Just come inside and take whatever you want. Hey, I got a nice Playstation 5 for you to take. Why don't you take it and my Amazon Kindle?
Adam: (as Burglar #2) No, it's fine. Just keep it. We'll go someplace else.
Sean: Are you sure? Just take it. (Whispers) Go one. I'm sure I won't blow you away with this nice machine gun.
(The burglars get creeped out by the owner)
Brian: Nope, we're good… let's… let's go… we'll go someplace else… far, far away from here…
(Both Brian and Adam walk away from the house)
Sean: Drop in anytime!
Adam: (Off-screen) We won't!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So we get this surprisingly awesome action scene with Lara fighting the commandos that are storming her home while she's swinging on her bungee rope. Not to mention that the commandos act like friggin' stormtroopers and they can't aim for shit. I also just love the part where she's swinging around and cuts the rope that the commandos are hanging from and she knocks out the other commando while he's still hanging.
(The commandos come from the roof by sliding down on the rope and they spot Lara)
Commando: On the left. On the left.
Sean: (V/O as Commando #1) Quick! Shoot her before she cuts us down with the…
(Lara swings on her bungee cord and cuts the commando's rope, causing him to fall down)
Sean: (V/O as Commando #1) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (Hits the floor) Oh, my back!
Dave: (V/O as Commando #2) Don't worry, Marv. I got that bitch in my sights…
(Lara swings over to the second commando and cuts his rope)
Dave: (V/O as Commando #2) OH SHIT! (Hits the ground) MY LEG!
Oliver: (V/O as Commando #3) Oh, God! Please don't cut my rope! I don't wanna die!
(Lara swings over to the third commando and punches him in the face, knocking him out)
Oliver: (V/O as Commando #3) Thanks for leaving me hanging.
(Lara is seen hanging on one of the ceiling corners, then we see some various lightning flashes before she jumps down from it)
"Okay, what is up with that shot?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Is she about to change into something? Is she gonna change into a werewolf? Hell, it could be one of those comedic routines where the person changes every time the light goes out.
"It's like me doing a review and something like this happens." Sean said.
Suddenly, we see some various lightning flashes until we see Sean changes into Danny Bonaduce.
"Do you see what I mean?" Danny Bonaduce said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I have one question: what was this guy's plan? What? Was his plan is to just burst in through the front door hoping that she was in the room? Did he have this whole plane worked out? I bet it worked perfectly when they planned it out.
(The commandos are shown with dubbed dialogue being delivered by Sean and Brian acting out as their characters Fred and Barney)
Commando #1 (Sean's V/O as Fred): Barney! Get out of the way, I'm trying to kill this woman!
Commando #2 (Brian's V/O as Barney): But Fred, you're trying to kill me and her.
Fred: I know that, Barn. Don't think that I don't know. Just let me keep shooting! (Lara punches Commando #2) Barney, you're coming right towards me!
(Commando #2, after getting punched by Lara, swing towards the hanging Commando #1 and they end up colliding with each other)
Fred and Barney: OW!
Barney: Fred…
Fred: Yeah, Barn?
Barney: We just got our asses kicked by a woman.
Fred: I know, Barney. I know.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara takes out some more commandos and she knocks out one of them by riding a motorcycle and performing a wheelie on his face, but the bad guys successfully steal the clock from her and they deliver it to Powell.
(The bad guys deliver the clock to Powell, who is seen meditating)
"Okay, Jorah. You deserved to get your ass kicked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Not because you're the bad guy, but seeing you doing some meditating, I'm looking forward to see you getting your comeuppance and believe me you will. So we cut back to Lara's mansion as we see that Lara has a package sent to her courtesy of UPS.
UPS Guy (Played by Sylvano Clarke): Lady Lara Croft?
Lara Croft: Yes. You have something for me?
(Lara approaches the UPS Guy and signs the package while he surveys the damage and Lara notices him just looking)
Lara Croft: I woke up this morning, and I just hated everything.
"In other words, Brad Pitt came to visit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara gets a letter from her father, which was written before he died.
Lord Richard Croft: If you are reading this letter, I am no longer with you and I miss you and love you always and forever. It also means I have failed and must place an awful burden on your shoulders. Lara, by now I am sure you will have discovered the clock I concealed. The clock is the key, Lara. It will unlock the hiding place of two pieces of a sacred icon. This is the magical triangle I told you about when you were little. The Triangle of Light. But it is no bedtime story. The triangle was forged from metal found in the crater of a meteor…
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get the gist of this. We know where this is going. Ancient, powerful, if the bad guys get their hands on it we're doomed. And you're gonna suck all that pain inside you, and you're gonna clean that spot. And you're gonna clean that spot. Until you get that shiny clean. And I just made a Runaway Train reference, did I?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lord Croft tells Lara about the jasmine that grows in one temple along the ancient Khmer trail in Cambodia and he tells her to find that and she'll find the entrance to the Tomb of the Dancing Light, that is where the first half of the triangle is hidden and she must be there at the exact moment of the second phase of the planetary alignment. So it's off to Cambodia she goes and she does it by…
Soldier: (Speaking through walkie-talkie) Lady Croft, are you on target? Over.
Lara Croft: Right on target. Thank you, boys. Over and out.
(Lara is shown inside a jeep, which is being parachuted out of a plane and onto the island)
"Who does she think she is Kim Possible?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) She arrives in Cambodia where she finds Powell and she sees that Alex has teamed up with Powell to look for the Triangle of Light as well and they try to break the temple open with the assistant of a group of local people.
Manfred Powell: We have 72 minutes to the next alignment. We have to work faster.
Alex West: (Walks past the people) Come on, guys!
(Alex grabs one of the ropes and helps the people out)
"Yeah, Craig. Just go ahead and help the people out. That'll make it break the temple open faster. And you're just doing that just to show off your muscles to the ladies." Sean said.
(They manage to break the temple open)
Mr. Pimms: So, any sign of Lady Croft?
Manfred Powell: Not yet.
Alex West: Lara's overrated. She's good, don't get me wrong, but she's in it for the glory… whereas I'm in it for the money.
"Bitch, please. Indiana Jones does it for both." Sean said.
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is shown)
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.
Sean: (Narrating) While Powell and Alex make it inside the temple, Lara sneak in ahead of them and she comes across a mysterious little girl who's doing a bit of snooping as well.
(The little girl points to her eyes and then to something behind Lara's back. Lara turns around and sees a way inside and approaches it. The little girl giggles and Lara turns back to the little girl, but there is no sign of her)
"Who does this little girl think she is Batman?" Sean asked.
(A sound clip from The Batman plays)
Batman (Played by Robert Pattinson): Vengeance.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara finds the jasmine and picks it and the ground beneath her crumbles and she finds herself inside the temple just as Powell and his men show up.
Manfred Powell: We have two minutes, Mr. West. You're the tomb raider. Figure it out.
(Alex is looking at a stone mural)
Manfred Powell: Mr. West! Tempus fugit.
Lara Croft: (Watches) Yes. "Time flies".
Alex West: It's the swords! Come on, guys. Get up here. Give me a hand here.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara reveals her presence to tell Powell that Alex is wrong, in other words "he's digging in the wrong place". They eventually believe her and they throw her the key, which leads to this awesome sequence.
(Lara jumps onto the swinging column and starts swinging back and forth, which ends up piercing the urn)
"And that's how the Tomb Raider ride at Kings Island was born. This was back when Kings Island was Paramount's Kings Island. Ah, the good 'ol. Me and my mom going to PKI, I got my picture taken with the Klingons, got my picture taken with the Hanna-Barbera characters, went on James Bond's License to Thrill and The Beastie… sorry, got a little nostalgic. Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lara pierces the urn with the column and water sprays out and the light shines on the floor and a black liquid metal starts rising up, revealing the first half of the Triangle of Light, which Lara snags from Powell. But then that black liquid metal unleashes some statues that come to life. Thus, we get another action sequence with Lara, Powell and Powell's men fight off some killer statutes.
(Powell and his men shoot at the statues while Lara fights some of them with a sword. While Powell and his men fight off the statues, one of the statues has it's sights on Powell. Powell grabs one of his men and uses him as a human shield right when the statue throws it's sword at him, killing the member)
"That's one way of asking someone to be your bodyguard. Just simply grab that person and have them take the sword for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But it's not over yet as a giant six-armed statue comes to life and everyone starts moving slowly like it's Jurassic Park. So Lara's best option is to shoot at it in the face with her pistols and after running out of ammo, it's time for Plan B.
(Lara kicks the swinging column and we get a slo-mo shot of the column destroying the statue)
"Ah, don't you just love it when movies in the early 00s use shitty slo-mo in their movies? Good times." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara escapes the temple and flees towards the waterfall and Alex corners her at gunpoint.
Alex West: Lara. Give it up.
Lara Croft: Are you going to shoot me, Alex?
(Lara jumps off the waterfall and Alex sighs in resentment)
"Oh, goddamn it. I wanted to make that joke. But the Nostalgia Critic beat me to it. You know what, screw it. I'm doing the joke anyway." Sean said.
(A clip from The Fugitive is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Samuel Gerard) That woman did a Wendy Darling right off of this dam, right here!
Sean: (Narrating) After jumping off the waterfall and with just a cut on her arm, Lara travels to a Bhuddist town, but first she has to make a phone call to Powell, who is busy getting a massage after being attacked by ape statues.
Manfred Powell: Listen, my dear. Without each other we are quite useless at this point. We should reevaluate our positions. Like it or not, you and I are in business together. We should have a business meeting.
Lara Croft: You mean you'd love to have another opportunity to try and kill me.
Manfred Powell: Oh, that's harsh. (Pause) But perhaps. Wait and see.
"Don't worry, Lara. You can trust me. I was on Game of Thrones. A show where people betray each other. I'm sure I won't betray you." Sean said, imitating Powell.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lara and Powell banter a bit until Powell tells her to come to Venice so they can discuss some terms. After their call, she then calls Bryce to tell him that she's his new best friend and eventually he'll tell her where the second piece is and to pack for Venice. But in the meantime, it's time for her to hang out with some Buddhist monks and for her to heal up.
Aged Buddhist Monk (Played by Ozzie Yue): Drink. Rest.
Lara Croft: There's no rest for the wicked.
Aged Buddhist Monk: You got what you came for?
Lara Croft: I did, yes.
Aged Buddhist Monk: Too bad. Bad for the world.
Lara Croft: The world is safe now.
"Yeah, until you star in The Cradle of Life and have Alicia Vikkander star in the Tomb Raider reboot." Sean said.
Aged Buddhist Monk: Finish your tea.
(Lara drinks some tea)
Aged Buddhist Monk: It tastes quite bad, but it is good for you. See?
(Lara takes off the bandage off her arm to discover there is no wound on it)
"Magic healing tea. It's always magic healing tea. Yeah, let's just say that I end up shooting myself in the hand in my gun and I start drinking some tea to heal myself. Here's my gun. Here's the cup of tea. And this is my hand. Let's begin. Um, as a matter of fact, I'm not gonna try it. This is just regular Lipton tea and there's no way in hell that I am shooting myself. Plus, there are no bullets in the gun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a neat little transition from the Buddhist town to Venice…
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown)
Indiana Jones: Ah, Venice.
Sean: (Narrating) …as Lara meets up with Powell to discuss terms after learning that he's with the Illuminati.
Manfred Powell: Have you brought my triangle? No, of course you haven't. You've hidden it somewhere. Well, you can keep the triangle you have and I will keep your father's clock, and we can be partners.
Lara Croft: (Stands next to the chair) Who sits here?
Manfred Powell: We can be partners and go for the big prize… the Triangle of Light.
Lara Croft: Yes, but who sits here?
"Ummm… Jaime fuckin' Lannister?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Things get pretty interesting when Powell drops this little bombshell about Lara's father by revealing that Lord Richard Croft was part of the Illuminati for years and he kept it from his own daughter.
Lara Croft: You're lying.
Manfred Powell: No. No, he mentored me in the order. It was truly an honor.
Lara Croft: I don't believe you. My father was not with the Illuminati. He would have told me.
Manfred Powell: He had a great many secrets.
Lara Croft: Not from me.
Manfred Powell: Especially from you. I know what you want, Lara.
Lara Croft: Oh, I doubt it.
"Come on, Lara. Look at us. We're both dressed in black. You're an attractive woman with a nice rack and I am the most handsome devil in the Illuminati. Let's get our freak on." Sean said, imitating Powell.
Sean: (Narrating): Powell tells Lara that she could be with her father because the triangle gives it's possessor the power of God, to move back and forth through time and undo the past. Yeah, we're entering Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull-levels of dumb. Let's move on to the next scene.
(Alex is shown taking a shower. He hears the sound of the door closing as he steps out of the shower naked. He walks into the other room, his unmentionables is covered by the table)
"Okay, movie. That's way too much naked Daniel Craig in one scene. Save it for Casino Royale for when he gets his nuts beaten." Sean said.
Lara Croft: Hello, Alex.
Alex West: I suppose you think I'm a greedy, unscrupulous sellout and do about anything for money.
Lara Croft: Yes, that's right.
Alex West: Well, the money's bit true, I guess.
Lara Croft: Is it, Alex? If you cross me, we may not be able to remain friends.
"Yeah, Mr. Bond. Your smoking gun will be shot off, if you know what I mean." Sean said.
Alex West: Now for a cold shower.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara arrives with the half of the triangle and has Bryce tagging along with her as well and her and Powell team up to find the other half of the triangle. So, they all fly down to Siberia and after a badass slo-mo shot where everybody walks away from the helicopters while Greame Revell's music score plays in the background. As they arrive, Lara encounters a little Inuit girl, who's speaking bad Russian. And I mean, really bad Russian.
Little Inuit Girl (Played by Stephanie Burns): (Speaking in Russian) Don't go. You're risking everything. To see him again.
Lara Croft: (Speaks in Russian) To see who?
Little Inuit Girl: (Speaks Russian) Your father.
(Lara looks back at the barking Siberian dogs before turning around to see that the little girl suddenly vanishes)
"And the little girl thinks that she's Mandrake." Sean said while speaking in Russian.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara rings the bell, revealing the tomb and a giant model of the solar system, which activates as the alignment nears completion. With everybody looking for it and climbing onto the globes like it's American Gladiators and with some of Powell's men getting knocked off or getting brutally killed. Lara uses the clock on globe and teleports inside and she successfully grabs the last piece.
Distinguished Gentleman: We will now… unite these two parts… the past and the present. At last, we of the Illuminati will control time and fulfill the sacred promise to our ancestors. Soon, the entire world will bow…
Manfred Powell: Enough of this twaddle.
(Powell orders his men to kill the leader of the Illuminati and a few other members)
"Damn, he betrayed the Illuminati before Game of Thrones made betrayal a big thing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Powell harnesses the power of the triangle, but the halves will not fuze together and after realizing that Lara knows the solution to the puzzle, he does this.
(Powell throws a knife into Alex's chest)
Sean: (V/O as Alex) Remember me in Knives Out.
(Alex slowly falls into the water)
Sean: (Narrating) Lara tries to save Alex, but he ends up dying. So Powell persuades her how to complete the triangle to change his fate.
Lara Croft: (Breathes heavily for some seconds) You'd better be ready for this.
"Oh, come on. You've clearly showed no emotion when Alex took a knife into his chest. Where's that a few seconds ago, huh?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara finds the missing piece in the clock, which transports her and Powell to a giant pyramid in which they have to race to get their hands on the ultimate power. Lara beats Powell to the punch and grabs the triangle and it teleports her to her father for some odd reason.
Lara Croft: Is this real?
Lord Richard Croft: It is a crossing of my past and your present.
Lara Croft: Why did you not tell me about the Illuminati?
Lord Richard Croft: You were only a child.
Lara Croft: You could have written in your journals. You never mentioned it… not once.
"Hey, I should've told you that I've played the bad guy in Mission: Impossible. I still can't believe that they made Jim Phelps the bad guy in the movie." Sean said, impersonating Lord Richard Croft.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, it's nice seeing Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight sharing some screen time with each other. The last time we saw that was in the Hal Ashby movie called Lookin' to Get Out and that was back in 1981. Anyway, Lord Croft instructs Lara not to manipulate time and destroy the triangle. She completely agrees with her father, but first she has to manipulate time because she has to save Alex and because this is no time to die.
(Lara takes the knife that Powell threw into Alex's chest and reverses it, holding on to the handle with her right hand and the blade with her left hand, injuring it)
"Jesus Christ, Lara. Couldn't you just use both hands on the handle? That way you won't cut your hand on the blade. Who am I kidding? That was awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara destroys the triangle and Powell gets stabbed in the shoulder by his own knife and she saves Alex. Everybody gets ready to leave but Powell has something else to reveal to Lara. Turns out that he's the one who killed Lara's father and stole the pocket watch with a picture of Lara's mother inside as a trophy and now it's time for Lara to kick his ass.
Alex West: Lara, no! The place is coming down! This is insane!
"Okay, whoever thought it was a great idea to have Daniel Craig speak in an American accent is clearly insane." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lara tells Alex to get himself and everyone out of there, leaving her to go mano a mano with Powell. Boy, for a guy who's been stabbed, he's taking that stabbing pretty well. Instead of them shooting at each other with guns, they're gonna do this the old fashioned way… Marquess of Queensbury Rules.
(Lara and Powell put their guns on the ground and the two of them engage in hand-to-hand combat. Powell ambushes Lara)
Sean: (V/O as Powell) Ah! I think my shoulder is feeling better now. Guess I should just finish you off by stabbing you violently to…
(Lara punches Powell and give him a few couple of hits and delivers the finishing blow by hitting him in the throat, killing him)
Sean: (Narrating) Lara defeats Powell and grabs her father's watch. With the place coming down, she has to find a way to escape and she does this by finding a pack of Huskies and sledding out of the cave with them.
"Okay, that's pretty awesome." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The Illuminati's plans are foiled. Lara returns home and dresses sophistically and goes to her father's memorial and the film ends with this.
(Bryce reprogrammed the robot S.I.M.O.N, ready to challenge Lara once again. Hillary reveals a silver tray holding Lara's guns. Lara takes off her hat as the robot charges her. She grabs her guns and gets ready to fight the robot as we get a freeze frame shot of Lara)
"And that was Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Looking back at it after all those years, I still find it enjoyable to watch." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, there are some questionable moments in the film that doesn't make any sense but hey I found it perfectly enjoyable. The action scenes are thrilling to watch and the effects are good. Angelina Jolie is perfect as Lara Croft and the rest of the actors are good as well. Actors like Jon Voight, Daniel Craig and Iain Glen. This is a movie that takes itself seriously, but not too seriously. And trust me, when I get to Tomb Raider 2018 in the future, I'll be ready. Anyway, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is the perfect cinematic representation of what Tomb Raider was in the early 2000s. And out of all of the video game movies that I've watched, this is damn good. It's a fun thrill ride for everyone to check out and I recommend that you do so. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider comes in at 4 triangles out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time with more Video Game Month." Sean said before leaving the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- My ignorance amuses me.
And that's all for my review of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Well, two movies down and only three to go. I hope that you all liked this review. Also, what did you think of the movie? I know that a lot of people haven't talked about the movie. I thought it was a good movie. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Video Game Month continues when Sean teams up with Chad Knight from Up All Knight as they review the 2021 Mortal Kombat reboot. Is this movie better than the original Mortal Kombat movie or is it looking for a fatality? After that review of MK 2021, Sean reviews Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms and asks if this is the worst MK sequel ever? Anyway, if anyone wants to help out on the introduction to the MK 2021 review, feel free to PM me if you're interested. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.