The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you're all in for a real treat because today Sean the Mayhem Critic pays tribute to one of his favorite directors of all time when he reviews the 1990 action-comedy Kindergarten Cop to see how well the film holds up. So sit back, relax and take your toy back to the carpet, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Kindergarten Cop is owned by Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment.
Episode 144
Kindergarten Cop
(We open with the new Mayhem Critic intro as we see some people setting up dominos in the form of bad movies that Sean has reviewed in the past while the song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears For Fears plays in the background. We see a man wearing white Adidas sneakers as he kicks one of the dominos down along with the other dominos. As the last domino falls, we see Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic smiling at the camera before walking away before we cut to the title "THE MAYHEM CRITIC")
After the new opening to the show, we open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about his next review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about Ivan Reitman."
(Pictures of director Ivan Reitman is shown, followed by posters of some of his movies while the theme from "Stripes" by Elmer Bernstein plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) He's one of my favorite directors and as a man who grew up watching some of his films, I happen to enjoy them. The first movie from Ivan Reitman that I watched when I was a kid was the movie Ghostbusters and I watched it with my mom. And you know what, I loved it. It's still one of my favorite movies of all time as well as it's sequel Ghostbusters II, which is still an awesome sequel. (A picture of Siskel & Ebert is shown) Fuck Siskel & Ebert for hating on Ghostbusters II. Aside from Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, he also directed some great and hilarious movies such as Stripes, Legal Eagles, Meatballs, Twins, Dave and My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Aside from directing, he was also a producer too. He produced National Lampoon's Animal House, Heavy Metal, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Beethoven, Beethoven's 2nd, Private Parts and for those of you who grew up watching this classic movie like me and we still do till this day, he was the producer for the movie Space Jam.
"So remember, the man who was responsible for your childhood was Ivan Retiman. He was the man that brought us Space Jam." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Reitman recently passed away on February 12, 2022 and when my friend Brian told me the news about him, I was devastated and it felt like a big loss for my childhood.
"If you want to talk about big losses, I was pissed that the Bengals lost the Super Bowl. I mean, come on! You could've beaten the LA Rams! You guys suck balls! It's no wonder that I'm a Bears fan and why I jumped the Bengals ship! Fucking game." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, Ivan Reitman is a brilliant producer and director and his legacy will live on.
"So, what movie from Mr. Reitman am I going to review today? Ooh, I know! Kindergarten Cop!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title screen for the movie "Kindergarten Cop" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the track "Children's Montage" by Randy Edelman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 21st, 1990, Kindergarten Cop marks the second collaboration between director Ivan Reitman and Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Posters for the movies Twins and Junior are shown) The first collaboration between the two of them was Twins and the third and final collaboration was Junior. Don't worry, we'll get to those two later. But in the meantime, I want to talk about this movie because this is one of my favorite movies of all time. The movie made about $202 million in the box office. Someone had the bright idea of putting Schwarzenegger in a classroom with a bunch of rowdy children. And you know what… it's a brilliant idea. It's funny, it's charming, it's PG-13 for some odd reason when it should be rated PG, but it is what it is. I haven't given a detailed review for this movie and we're gonna pay tribute to Mr. Reitman with this movie.
"So let's take a seat and we're not taking any bathroom breaks because THERE IS NO BATHROOM! This is Kindergarten Cop." Sean said.
(The movie opens at a mall in California)
Sean: (Narrating) We open at a mall in LA and we're immediately introduced to our main character…
(The camera pans up to reveal the main character Detective John Kimble)
(A sound clip Jingle All the Way plays in the background)
Howard Langston (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Put that cookie down!
Sean: (Narrating) Arnold Schwarzenegger plays John Kimble, an LAPD detective who's just raided Kyle Reese's wardrobe closet, as we see him pursuing a drug dealer named Cullen Crisp, played by Richard Tyson.
(Kimble is tailing Crisp)
"Don't you just love Randy Edelman's music score for this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, tone down the seriousness, Mr. Edelman. This is a guy tailing a criminal at a mall. Yeah, imagine if Randy Edelman composed the music for The Godfather.
(A clip from The Godfather is shown)
Michael Corleone (Played by Al Pacino): I have to go to the bathroom.
(Michael gets up to go to the bathroom while Randy Edelman's music score from "Kindergarten Cop" plays in the background)
(Kimble continues to tail Crisp as he walks down an escalator and pushes a woman out of the way)
Kimble (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Excuse me.
Woman: Shithead.
"Now that was totally inappropriate language from you, lady. No wonder why this movie got a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see a guy named Danny, played by Tom Kurlander, who's meeting up with Crisp to give him some important information, but his girlfriend Cindy played by Alix Koromzay, arrives with him.
Danny (Played by Tom Kurlander): You shouldn't be here.
Cindy (Played by Alix Koromzay): I know. Listen, you just gotta ask for at least $1,000, okay?
Danny: I'll get as much as I can, okay. You gotta hide.
Cindy: His wife takes off with his kid and-and a couple of million dollars, and we're not gonna get a thousand.
Danny: Shut up and stay out of sight, okay! I told him I was coming alone.
"Just make sure you hide behind that box so you can witness my murder." Sean said, imitating Danny.
Sean: (Narrating) Crisp arrives to meet with Danny and he gives him some information on his family.
Crisp (Played by Richard Tyson): Just tell me what you have, Danny, and I'll take good care of you.
Danny: Okay. That sounds fair. I was doing a delivery for Corky last week out of state, and I ran into your ex.
Crisp: How'd she look?
Danny: She looked great, Mr. Crisp. Yeah. She changed her hair and stuff, but she looked like a million dollars. In fact, she looked like about $3 million.
"Well, of course. Penelope Ann Miller still looks good in her fifties." Sean said as a picture of Penelope Ann Miller is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) In case you didn't know, Crisp is looking for his former wife, who stole millions of dollars from him before fleeing with his son. So anyway, Danny tells Crisp that his ex-wife and his son are in Astoria, Oregon. (A picture of the cast of The Goonies is shown) Insert your Goonies reference here.
Crisp: Did you tell anyone else this?
Danny: No. No way. Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp.
(Crisp pulls out a silenced pistol and shoots Danny, killing him)
Crisp: You're not.
(Crips shoots Danny one last time, then leaves and dumps his gun in the dumpster)
"Oh, I'm sure that nobody would find the gun that you murdered your informant with. What kind of criminal are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble finds Cindy crying over Danny's dead body and he handcuffs her to him. Way to be sensitive, Arnie. Meanwhile, Crisp goes to meet his mother Eleanor, played by Carroll Baker, at a salon while she's getting her hair done and he tells her the good news.
Crisp: I just found out where they're hiding.
Eleanor Crisp (Played by Carroll Baker): Are you serious? You really know where he is?
Manicurist (Played by Roma): Manicure, Mr. Crisp?
Crisp: Oh, how could I say no to you?
Eleanor Crisp: Tell me. What's happened?
Crisp: Just let me handle this myself, Mother. I know what I'm doing. Everything is under control.
"Everything is under control. Isn't that the last words for every dumb criminal who gets caught?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble finds Crisp and arrests him for murder, but the security guards try to arrest Kimble and we get one of the most quotable lines from the movie.
Mall Guard #1 (Played by Kim Delgado): Drop the gun!
Mall Guard #2 (Played by Ray Glanzmann): Yeah, that's right! Drop the gun!
Kimble: (Shows his badge to the guard) Hey, I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.
Crisp: This man is crazy. Look at him. He wants to kill me. You're just gonna stand there?
Mall Guard #3 (Played by Ed Crick): Freeze!
Male Hairstylist (Played by Jason Stuart): (Sees the guard) Oh, jeez!
Kimble: I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble. This man is under arrest.
"Oh, yeah. This movie has a ton of quotable lines from Arnie. Man, I love this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble arrests Crisp for murder and getting a manicure and back at the station Cindy is getting questioned by Detective Phoebe O'Hara, played by Pamela Reed.
Phoebe (Played by Pamela Reed): Now, did Danny ever say what Crisp's wife looked like?
Cindy: No.
Phoebe: Did he ever say what name she was using in Oregon?
Cindy: He didn't say anything. Look, I just want to get out of here and go home.
Phoebe: You can't! Right after the lineup, I'll drive you home afterwards. I'll even buy you dinner.
Cindy: No.
Phoebe: Come on, Cindy. I'll even cook you dinner. What do you say?
"I make a terrific lobster risotto. Come on, just tell me that Crisp murdered your boyfriend so we can put the son of a bitch in jail." Sean said, imitating Phoebe.
Phoebe: Now listen to me. He killed your boyfriend. All you have to do is point your finger, and we can put his ass away for 30 years.
Cindy: He wasn't my boyfriend. I hardly knew the guy.
(O'Hara turns to the two-way mirror as Cindy turns her attention towards it and makes her way over there to talk to Kimble)
Cindy: I know you're in there. I know what you want, but you ain't getting it. Ever! No lineup, no testimony. So you can take your handcuffs and shove 'em up your ass!
"You know, that's a two-way mirror that you were talking to, so clearly you just told yourself to shove the handcuffs up your ass. Also, that was very rude of you. That line itself definitely deserved a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Cindy not cooperating with the police, she just walks out and leaves. But it gives Captain Salazar, played by Richard Portnow, time to introduce Kimble to Detective O'Hara. But he doesn't have time to get to know his new partner-to-be, as he heads down to the mean streets of LA to track down Cindy. And it's not a Schwarzenegger without Arnold beating the crap out of some street punks after witnessing one of them slapping around a defenseless woman.
(Kimble walks over to the two gang members. The thug says something in Spanish to Kimble.)
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) What you say about my momma?!
(Kimble punches the thug in the face and headbutts the other thug)
Street Tough #2 (Played by Jacques Apollo Bolton): Shit!
(Kimble turns to the two others standing by his car)
Kimble: Oh, excuse me. (Pulls out his shotgun) I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble… (Racks shotgun) and I love my car.
Street Tough #2: Yo, man, I'm just gonna keep an eye on it for you, all right? See what I'm saying?
Street Tough #1 (Played by Peter Vasquez): You got a beautiful ride.
(Kimble walks away)
Street Tough #2: Shit. Who he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass.
"Wow, beating up on two gang members and threatening the others with his shotgun if they mess up his car. That is Arnold in his prime. Did I mention I love this movie?" Sean asked.
(Kimble walks up to the front door of a club and opens it as two punks approach him)
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Get out of my way!
(Kimble walks up to the gate as the bouncer approaches him)
Kimble: Open up.
Bouncer (Played by Branscombe Richmond): You can't come in.
(Kimble pushes the gate open and knocks the bouncer down)
Kimble: Thank you.
Thug: What the fuck is going on, man?
(One thug pulls out a gun as Kimble ducks down right when he shoots at him. Kimble pulls out his shotgun and gets into a shootout with the thugs. Another thug shoots at Kimble and misses)
"Christ, don't these idiots know that nothing can hit Arnold? Haven't you ever learned from the movie Commando and the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie? It's two thugs in a club shooting at Arnold and they can't stop this one guy. I mean, how hard is it to hit one giant Austrian man who's dressed as Kyle Reese from The Terminator?" Sean asked.
(A sound clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Commando plays in the background throughout the scene)
Nostalgia Critic: (Narrating) He's the size of a mountain. In fact, when they say you can't hit the broad side of a mountain, this is the mountain they're talking about!
(Kimble racks his shotgun and shoots at the speakers)
Kimble: All right, party's over. Everyone go home. (Pushes a drunk man onto a glass table) Next time, my place.
Low Life #1 (Played by Galen Yuen): So who are you, man?
(Kimble racks his shotgun)
Low Life #1: Shit!
(He scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart)
Kimble: I'm the party pooper.
"That would make an awesome Schwarzenegger movie. Hell, it would be better than Batman & Robin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble speaks to Cindy and tries to convince her to testify against Crisp and point him out in a lineup.
Cindy: Don't you have anything better to do?
Kimble: You don't understand. I have nothing else to do, and I have nowhere else to go. (Looks at Cindy)
Cindy: Why are you staring at me like that?
Kimble: I like you, Cindy. I'm going to be around you a lot. Days, nights, weekends, holidays.
"I'm going to be around you for all eternity till the day you die because that's how creepy I am." Sean said, imitating Kimble.
Sean: (Narrating) After some convincing and creeping her out with his stalker ways, Cindy points out Crisp in a lineup and he gets sent to jail, but not before Kimble has a few words with him before he goes to the pokey.
Kimble: You give me the names of your drug suppliers and distributors, and I'll tell the judge what a nice, cooperative killer you are.
Crisp: You think the jury's going to convict me on the testimony of that junkie?
Kimble: You could be right. (Sits on the table) But what about your wife? You remember her? All that hard-earned drug money she stole from you? How much was it, $3 million? I bet she would make a much better witness.
Crisp: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it gotten you, hmm? Nothing. I'll be out of here in a week and you'll still be eating take-out food in that dump you live in. Yeah, I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left 'cause of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
"No, his wife left him because he had an affair with his maid and got her pregnant." Sean said referencing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's divorce. "Goddamn, that joke was so dated."
Sean: (Narrating) With Crisp out of the way, Kimble is partnered with O'Hara to fly down to Astoria to track down Crisp's wife and offer her immunity in exchange for testifying against Crisp in court. And since it's an action-comedy from the early '90s, you gotta have a character who likes to work alone.
Kimble: No offense to O'Hallahan, but this is my case, and I work alone.
Captain Salazar (Played by Richard Portnow): (Chuckles) He works alone. Not anymore. She's going in undercover as a substitute kindergarten teacher. Not exactly a job for you.
Phoebe: I was a teacher before I joined the force. Don't worry about it, we'll be fine.
Kimble: So what do I do?
"Do what you do best. Pump iron and talk about cumming." Sean said.
(A clip from Pumping Iron is shown)
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific.
Sean: (Narrating) During their flight to Oregon, Kimble and O'Hara go over the case files and they look at Crisp's wife's profile and her name is Rachel Myatt and a picture of her son Cullen Jr. and…
Stewardess (Played by Angela Bassett): Breakfast, sir? Ma'am?
Sean: (Narrating) …holy shit. Is that Angela Bassett? It is! Angela Bassett is in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
"Well… damn. I don't have any jokes to make about this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Angela Bassett in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. How can I make a joke about that?
"Um… I guess this is how Stella got her groove back." Sean said.
(The audience boos at Sean)
"What? It's the best I could come up with. Don't judge me." Sean said.
Phoebe: Listen, I was just thinking. Maybe we should take a wild stab at getting to know each other before we have to pretend we're man and wife.
Kimble: What do you want to know?
Phoebe: Well, how long have we been married?
Kimble: A long time. So people won't expect us to talk much to each other.
(The kids sitting behind Kimble and O'Hara start to get rowdy over a magazine and one of the boys kick Kimble's seat, irritating him some more before he turns around)
Kimble: Hey, come here. If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
(Kimble breaks the pencil in half, scaring the boy)
"Well, Arnie has his way with children." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) O'Hara starts to get ill during their trip, must've been something she ate and we get a hilarious montage of her throwing up with some of Randy Edelman's music. Also, don't you just love how Randy Edelman's music score sets the tone for the movie. One moment, it went from being serious to being whimsical.
"Just a quick side note here: this is one of my favorite tracks from the movie." Sean said.
(The track "Rain Ride" by Randy Edelman plays in the background during Kimble and O'Hara's drive to Astoria)
Sean: (Narrating) During the drive, Kimble and O'Hara take a moment to get to know each other. Plus, the reason why she quit teaching is because she got sick of other people's kids. Either that or maybe she got sick from eating that sandwich from the vending machine earlier. But Kimble tells O'Hara a bit of information about himself.
Kimble: I have a son. He's 13. I remember when he was 5. He lives with his mother and stepfather.
(Kimble's ferret pops out of his bag as O'Hara looks up and screams)
Kimble: What's the matter?
Phoebe: What… is… that?
Kimble: Oh, excuse me. I forgot to tell you. This is my ferret.
"Oh, there's Murr from Impractical Jokers." Sean said.
(A clip from Impractical Jokers is shown)
Murr: I don't look like a (beeping) ferret! You ass(beep)!
(Kimble stops at a motel and carries O'Hara out of the car)
Kimble: This is all I need, an obstacle. A goddamn obstacle. He sends me an obstacle. Here. (Closes the car door with his foot and speaks in German)
"Okay, that is the first time you hear Arnold speaking in German. Here's what it translates." Sean said.
(Kimble is speaking in German and we see that it translates to "That makes me stinking mad. Now I'm mad.")
"Yeah, when I watched it again, it was my first time noticing this." Sean said. "Well, Arnold's Austrian. So he'd know some German."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, O'Hara is out of commission after falling ill due to the stomach flu, Kimble decides to take her place.
Kimble: How do I look?
(Phoebe looks at Kimble)
Phoebe: Take off the gun.
(Kimble opens his jacket and sees that he still has his gun in his holster)
Kimble: That's a good idea. (Takes off his jacket to remove his gun and holster)
Phoebe: (Chuckles) The little bastards are going to eat you alive.
Kimble: (Puts his jacket back on) Get some rest, and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're 6-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.
"I have nothing to say, I thought that line was pretty funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble arrives at Astoria Elementary for his first day of going undercover as a substitute teacher. Also, can we appreciate some of the lovely shots of Astoria, Oregon? Ivan Reitman has picked out the perfect place to film the movie. Plus, this is the same location that The Goonies was filmed as well as Short Circuit.
(While sitting outside the principal's office, Kimble notices an attractive blonde schoolteacher who's talking to one of her students)
Joyce (Played by Penelope Ann Miller): Matthew. I sent you to the principal's office because you punched Jenny.
Matthew: But…
Joyce: I know. She poisoned your hamsters
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Helloooooooooo, teacher. I mean, nurse. I mean…
Joyce: And I'm sorry that I didn't believe you.
(Joyce notices Kimble and smiles at him. Kimble looks away with a slight smile on his face)
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Oh, crap. She noticed me. Play it cool, Johnny.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble gets introduced to the school's principal Miss Schlowski, played by Linda Hunt, and she asks him about his teaching experience.
Miss Schlowski (Played by Linda Hunt): Four weeks into the new semester, and my superintendent told me I had to replace Mrs. Hagley, a kindergarten teacher of 25 years' experience, with an undercover police officer, and he wouldn't even tell me why. I don't suppose you would do me the courtesy of filling me in.
Kimble: I can't do that.
Miss Schlowski: Oh. You can't do that. I'm watching you. All I have to do is tell my parents that you're here for something to do with the police, and they'll yank their kids out of this school so fast, we'd have to close the place. And don't think I won't if I feel my children are in any danger.
Kimble: They're not in danger.
"With you around them? I'm sure they'll be fine." Sean said.
Miss Schlowski: I assume you have some teaching experience.
(Cut to Kimble, then we cut to other Schwarzenegger movies like Conan the Barbarian where Conan beheads Thulsa Doom, The Terminator where he kills the gun shop clerk, the other woman with the name "Sarah Connor" and Vulkovich in the police station, Commando where he massacres an entire Colombian army, Red Heat where he guns down the Cleanheads and Viktor Rostavili and Total Recall where we see a montage of him killing people)
Kimble: They wouldn't have sent me otherwise.
"Yeah, he knows what he's doing. Let's entrust the man who's known for killing people to teach a bunch of rowdy kindergarteners. What could possibly go wrong?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Miss Schowlski takes Kimble to the kindergarten class, but first she let's them know that their teacher is on an important trip.
Lisa: Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
Lowell (Played by Ben McCreary): Did she die?
Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell. She went to see someone.
Lowell: Did they die?
Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell.
Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
"Jesus Christ, kid! How grim are you?" Sean asked. "But then again, what do you expect from a kid with the same name as the character from Wings?"
Miss Schlowski: …we have someone special to help. This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher.
(The Jaws theme plays in the background as Kimble reveals himself to the kindergarten class, trying to show no fear while the kindergarten class look at him because of his size)
Sean: (V/O as Kid) Holy Toledo! Look at the size of that guy!
Kimble: Good morning.
Miss Schlowski: They're all yours. I'll be watching you.
"She'll probably be in her office watching wrestling and drinking a martini." Sean said, referring to Linda Hunt's character from Yours, Mine and Ours.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Kimble takes some time to get to know some of the adorable little children and try not to make a fool out of himself.
(Kimble sits on the piano keys and the children start laughing)
"Smooth move, Kimble." Sean said.
Kimble: Now, I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions. And I want to have them answered immediately. How many of you were born in Astoria?
(The children stay silent while looking at Kimble)
Kimble: Come on. Raise your hands. Let's see them.
(The children raise their hands)
Kimble: Okay, hmm. Now, anyone that was not born in Astoria, somewhere outside like California, raise your hands.
Sean immediately raises his hand.
"Oh, wait. You were talking to the children. My bad." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) One of the kindergarteners named Emma, played by Sarah Rose Karr, has a little potty emergency.
Kimble: Yes.
Emma (Played by Sarah Rose Karr): I need to go to the bathroom.
Kimble: Okay. You can go.
(Emma heads to go to the restroom while one of the students named Joseph gets Kimball's attention)
Joseph (Played by Miko Hughes): Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.
(The children start laughing)
Sean breaks down in laughter from hearing that line. "I'm sorry. That line kills me every time I watch that movie."
(Emma tugs on Kimble's jacket)
Kimble: Yes?
Emma: I need to go to the bathroom, and I can't get these things off.
"And the award for Most Adorable Character goes to… this kid! You're adorable. Hell, you're my favorite character in the movie." Sean said.
(A picture of Sarah Rose Karr as Emma is shown next to a photo of her as Emily Newton from Beethoven's 2nd)
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who didn't know and if you grew up watching Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd like me and you're wondering why this little girl looks familiar, this is the same actress who played Emily Newton in these two films.
"Oh, and she played the younger version of Kimberly Williams-Paisley's character in the Father of the Bride remake in 1991. Wow, that's three movies that I've recognized Sarah Rose Karr in. Is there anything else that she's done in her career?" Sean asked.
(Sarah Rose Karr's IMDB page is shown, only 7 projects that she's done)
"That's all? That's all the things that she's done in her career and the only four movies that I'm familiar with her that I've seen. Hell, Nicholle Tom has an impressive career in her IMDB page and the only few things that I've recognized her in are also Beethoven, Beethoven's 2nd, The Nanny, the Beethoven animated series, Ice Angel, Superman: The Animated Series, The Princess Diaries, Gotham, Walk the Prank. Damn, Nicholle Tom has done a lot of stuff!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble has some trouble trying to get Emma's overall fasteners off, he heads to another classroom and he asks a fellow schoolteacher named Joyce Palmieri, played by Penelope Ann Miller. Yeah, ask the hot schoolteacher for help. Also, it ain't an Ivan Reitman movie until he puts his children in it. Like his daughter Catherine, who's playing a third grade student in Joyce's class.
"Ivan, I know you're looking down at me from Heaven right now, but please don't make me create the Ivan Reitman Drinking Game. I'm trying to stay sober here." Sean said.
Joyce: Yes, can I help you?
Kimble: I have a problem.
(Emma steps out of the classroom)
Emma: Mr. Kimble, I need to go real bad. (Crosses her legs to keep herself from peeing)
Joyce: (Chuckles) First day?
Kimble: Yes.
Joyce: I'll take care of her.
Kimble: Thank you.
Joyce: You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
Kimble: Oh, they're okay. Don't worry. Everything is under control.
(The Psycho Shower Theme plays in the background as Kimble sees that the children are going out of control in the classroom)
Kimble: No. (Enters the classroom) Monsters.
(Kimble tries to calm the children down)
Kimble: (Grabs the basket from out of Jennifer's hand) What are you doing with this?
(Two of the other kindergarteners are painting on the chalkboard, the others are playing with flour, a kid named Sylvester is looking underneath girls' skirts and holding a doll while Joseph is stomping on the piano keys)
"Should've brought your gun with you, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Miss Schlowski sees that Kimble's class is out of control and yet she just walks away. Lady, you're the Principal Skidmore and Ms. Briggs of principals. Plus, she's expecting him to quit because of this nonsense.
"Also, here's an oncoming meme." Sean said.
Kimble: (Yells) SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
(The children start to be quiet)
Kimble: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up.
(The children start crying)
Kimble: No. Don't start this.
(The children continue to cry)
"If he showed them Batman & Robin, they would definitely start crying." Sean said.
(A montage of clips from Batman & Robin are shown, intercutting to the children crying)
Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Cometh!/What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!/Freeze well./You're not sending me to the cooler!/Stay cool, Birdboy./Alright everyone, chill!
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble is driven insane by the children and runs out of the school and heads to his car for Plan B… which involves him showing his pet ferret and making him the class mascot.
Lowell: If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
Kimble: No. That's not true. He never bites.
"Oh, I'm sure that he'll bite some ponytailed criminal who's gonna end up holding his son hostage in the film's climax. It's bound to happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble becomes exhausted from his first day of teaching until a student named Dominic, played by twins Christian and Joseph Cousins, tells him that there are a few people that are better than him.
(Dominic shakes his head)
Kimble: What's that supposed to mean?
Dominic (Played by Christian and Joseph Cousins): Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.
Kimble: Is she? Is she really?
Dominic: My mom's a teacher in this school, and she's a lot better than you, too.
Kimble: Great.
Dominic: On Monday nights, my mom tutors and Mrs. Quinn takes care of me. And she's better than you, too.
Kimble: Great.
Dominic: And Frankie, my swimming teacher, and Gus, my T-ball coach, are better than you, too.
"Are there any people that are better than me before I break your goddamn spine?" Sean asked, imitating Kimble.
Sean: (V/O as Dominic) The pizza man from Bingo's Pizza delivers pizzas to my house and he's a lot better than you.
Sean: (Narrating) After that exhausting day, Kimble shares to O'Hara on how his first day went.
Kimble: They're horrible.
Phoebe: Tell me about it.
Sean: (V/O as Phoebe) You should've used your gun.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kimble arrives for his second day of undercover work until a bunch of single mothers start checking him out and want to get a piece of that Austrian man meat.
Joshua's Mother (Played by Heidi Swedberg): Holy cow, is that your new teacher?
Joshua (Played by Peter Rakow): Yeah.
Joshua's Mother: Oh, my God. (Turns around so Kimble won't notice her)
Samantha' Mother (Played by Park Overall): What are you doing?
Joshua's Mother: I don't want him to see me without my makeup.
Samantha's Mother: None of us are wearing makeup.
Joshua's Mother: You're married. You're allowed to look like slobs.
"And this coming from a woman who was licking toxic envelopes that were picked out by her fiance." Sean said, referring to the Seinfeld episode The Invitations.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see a boy named Sylvester, played by future voice actor Ben Diskin, getting dropped off by his mother Jillian, played by Cathy Moriarty, and she has a talk with Kimble about his behavior.
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother (Played by Cathy Moriarty): Um… I have a small problem.
Kimble: Yes?
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother: You see, Sylvester's father doesn't live with us anymore and I've just been worried about Sylvester. He's been acting a little strange lately. You know, doing odd things.
"Hey, if voicing Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 2 from Codename: Kids Next Door is odd, then I don't know what is." Sean said.
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother: Well, it's seems that he's becoming a little obsessed with playing with dolls. You know, it's weird.
Kimble: I think I can help you with that.
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother: Really?
Kimble: He uses the dolls to look up girls' skirts. I caught him doing it yesterday.
"So Sylvester grew up to be the guy in Arizona who uses a small pocket mirror to look up women's skirts." Sean said, referencing the dumb criminal from World's Dumbest Criminals 14. "I mean, can you really get mad at the kid? This is the closest he's gonna get to seeing any vagina ever."
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble asks Jillian if Sylvester sees his father, but she tells him no because his father lives in California. Also, Sylvester's father left them for another man. Wow.
Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble?
Kimble: No, I'm not.
Joshua: (To his mother) He's not married, Mom!
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother: Welcome to Astoria, the single-parent capital of America.
"Now, I really want to move to Astoria. See how many single mothers would try to flirt with me. But then again I have a girlfriend, so I'm staying in Cincinnati." Sean said.
Kimble: (Sees a boy eating out of lunch boxes) Are these all your lunches?
(The boy shakes his head. Then, Kimble picks the boy up)
Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches?
(The boy nods his head)
Kimble: STOP IT!
(The boy spits the food out while Kimble looks disgusted and puts the boy down)
"Still a hilarious scene that I crack up from." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Wanting to get to know more of his students, Kimble creates a fun game in which he asks them who's their father and what does he do. Also, we get one of my favorite lines from the movie.
Girl #1: What's the matter?
Kimble: I have a headache.
Lowell: It might be a tumor.
Kimble: IT'S NOT A TUMOR! It's not a tumor at all.
"Still the best line ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, time to get to know the kids and what does their fathers do, starting with Jennifer played by Emily Ann Lloyd.
Jennifer (Played by Emily Ann Lloyd): My dad repairs cars driven by women who are pinheads.
Boy #1: My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
Girl #2: My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money, and then people use that money, and then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
Lowell: My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Jesus Christ, Lowell. Get a life.
Lisa: My dad watches TV all day long.
Emma: My dad works on computers, and he's, um, the boss of his company. And, um, he has a mustache and a beard.
Kimble: Mm-hmm.
Emma: Yeah. (Sighing) He doesn't have that much hair because… And he… His head is so big that can't wear any hats.
"Let's not forget that your dad makes air fresheners. Throw in a Newton!" Sean said, referencing a line from Beethoven's 2nd.
Joshua: My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
Boy #2: My dad, um, is a psychologist, and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings, and, um, that's it.
Tina and Rina (Played by Tiffany and Krytle Mataras): Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
"Umm… good to know?" Sean said with a confused look on his face.
Dominic: I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
"Or he lives in California and he's in jail for murder. I'm just saying." Sean said.
Joseph: My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
"Damn, Louis Creed had the best job ever and he's teaching his son Gage about penises and vaginas." Sean said.
(Rosa, played by a young Odette Annable credited as Odette Yustman, is speaking Spanish and Kimble looks confused trying to figure out what she's saying)
"You know, it's ironic that you have Odette Annable standing next to an inflatable dinosaur and in a few years she's gonna star in a movie involving a giant creature wrecking havoc in New York." Sean said, referencing the movie Cloverfield.
Sean: (Narrating) But there's one kid who hasn't talked about their father. The kid in question is named Zach, played by Justin Page respectively. So, Kimble tries to talk to him.
Kimble: Hey, Zach. Did your daddy teach you this game? Come on, Zach. Let's all play together. It's so much more fun.
Zach (Played by Justin Page): (Pushes Kimble away) Leave me alone!
"Yeah, there's definitely something up with that kid because he doesn't want to talk about his father. But then again, my money's on a certain kid who says that his father lives in France." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he could ask Zach what's wrong, it's time for a fire drill as Kimble and his class leave the classroom, only for them to run out of the school rowdy as hell unlike the other students and only for Miss Schlowski to berate them.
Miss Schlowski: Well, we're all glad the kindergarten class could join us. That's four minutes. You should be ashamed of yourselves. All the other grades, your times were an improvement, but they're still not good enough.
(Kimble and Joyce look at each other)
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Boy, she's such a bitch.
Taylor: (V/O as Joyce) I know. She doesn't shut up.
Sean: (Narrating) After school, Kimble tries to talk to Zach but fails when his mother picks him up and drives off. Again, I just love how the movie makes us think that there's something up with Zach and his mother. Like they've got something to hide. Later, Kimble and O'Hara, who's just recovered from her stomach flu, wants to go out to eat. So, they head to a restaurant and what a coincidence, they bump into Joyce and Dominic.
"By the way, remember when Dominic said this to Kimble?" Sean asked.
(Cut to a scene between Kimble and Dominic)
Dominic: My mom's a teacher in this school, and she's a lot better than you, too.
"Yeah, Joyce is Dominic's son and she's a teacher in Astoria Elementary and the kid is in Kimble's class." Sean said. "Also, what are the odds for them to bump into these two at the same restaurant?"
Kimble: Dominic has been a great help. He's a good kid.
Joyce: Yeah.
Dominic: (Notices Phoebe) And who's that?
Joyce: Dominic.
Kimble: Who?
Dominic: (Points to Phoebe) Her.
Kimble: Oh, that? Oh, that is, uh…
Phoebe: (In mock Austrian accent) I am his sister.
Joyce: Oh, really? I would never have guessed.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Well sometimes you have to excuse my brother. He has no manners at all. My name is Ursula. Wonderful to meet you. (Shakes Joyce's hand) I'm visiting here from Austria.
Joyce: I'm Joyce Palmieri. I work at John's school.
Phoebe: Ah.
Joyce: And this is Dominic.
Phoebe: (Shakes Dominic's hand) Dominic.
Dominic: Nice to meet you.
"Don't you just love Pamela Reed doing an Austrian accent? She's just having way too much fun imitating Arnold with her accent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Kimble and O'Hara join Joyce and Dominic for dinner, mostly because O'Hara is trying to get John out of his comfort zone because he has a thing for Joyce. During dinner, Kimble tells Joyce that he's been trying to get to know some of the parents, but some of them are avoiding him. Well, maybe because you look menacing.
Joyce: Well, I think a lot of people that come to small towns are trying to get away from something, or they're hiding something.
Kimble: Like what?
Joyce: Well, for example, what brought you here?
"I lived a life as a secret agent while living on Mars." Sean said, imitating Kimble.
Kimble: I was born in Austria. My father was a teacher. My mother was a teacher. So is Ursula.
Phoebe: Ja.
Kimble: We have a tradition in Austria where we follow the footsteps of our parents. So, when I moved to this country, I got a job teaching geography and physical education in Arizona, and then I coached basketball at an all-girls school in Rhode Island, but none of it made me really happy.
Joyce: Why weren't you happy?
Phoebe: Ja. Why weren't you happy?
"He was getting sick and tired of killing bad guys in movies and he wants to work with little kids." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Kimble takes a liking to Joyce and he's interested in her, but the problem is that he's stuck doing Phoebe's job and that the children are pushing him around. O'Hara, being the former kindergarten teacher, gives Kimble some advice on how to deal with the kids.
Phoebe: (Advising Kimble on how to be a teacher) You got to handle this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead, and those kids know you're scared.
(Kimble looks at O'Hara for a moment, then nods)
Kimble: No fear.
Phoebe: No fear.
"I go in there and dress up as the Terminator while I'm armed with a shotgun and a machine gun. I'll even show them my robotic eye." Sean said, imitating Kimble once more.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kimble follows O'Hara's advice and he shows them who's the boss around here.
Kimble: You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me!
(Emma gasps)
Kimble: You're not going to have your mommies right behind you anymore and wipe your little tushies. Oh, no. It's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining. No more, "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom." Nothing! (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
"Another classic line that I just love. Hell, if you wanna be comically strange, play some clips of some characters saying that they have to go the bathroom." Sean said.
(A clip from Nina Needs to Go is shown)
Nina (Voiced by Aubree Young): I need to go right now!
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
(A clip from Single Parents is shown)
Angie D'Amato (Played by Leighton Meester): God, where's the Uber? I have to get home and pee.
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
(A clip from Orange is the New Black is shown)
Piper Chapman (Played by Taylor Schilling): I can't talk. I gotta pee.
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
(A clip from Held Up is shown)
Rae (Played by Nia Long): Drive faster, I've gotta go to the bathroom!
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
(A clip from Riverdale is shown)
Archie Andrews (Played by KJ Apa): I have to take a shower first.
Betty Cooper (Played by Lili Reinhart): Oh, I should… I… Me too.
Archie Andrews: Do you wanna go home first?
Betty Cooper: Do you wanna go first?
(Archie and Betty look at each other for a moment before cutting to them having sex in the shower)
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
"Okay, that last one is from Riverdale and lately I haven't been tuning in to the show because of how fucked up it got later on but try this out at home, I want to see what you guys come up with." Sean said.
(A clip from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy is shown)
Billy (Voiced by Richard Steven Horvitz): C'mon! I gotta pee!
(Cut back to the movie)
Kimble: (Shouts) There is no bathroom!
Sean: (Narrating) With his whistle in his hand, he gets the children to take one toy back to the carpet, but Emma doesn't want to be a police officer and Kimble sets her straight.
Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.
Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess.
Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet.
Emma: I'm not a policeman! I'm a princess.
Kimble: (Yells) TAKE IT BACK!
Emma: (Miserable) Alright.
"Still the most adorable character ever. Fun fact: she's Ivan Reitman's favorite kindergartener and I can see why." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With his police training method working, Kimble adapts to his new status quickly and we get a montage of him being a much admired and cherished figure to the children. Cue the music, Mr. Edelman.
(We cut to a montage of Kimble getting along with the children while the track "Children's Montage" by Randy Edelman plays in the background)
"Love this scene and Randy Edelman's music score. Another one of my favorites is Ghostbusters II, The Big Green, Dragonheart, Beethoven and Gettysburg." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that adorable little montage, Kimble gets ready to read a story to the kids and tells them that he used to read the story to his son Alex and explains to them that him and his mother are divorced.
Keisha (Played by Tameka Runnels): What's a divorce?
Sylvester: It's when your daddy lives someplace else and comes over to take you places, and your mommy says he's a deadbeat.
Dominic: No. It's when the daddy doesn't want to see his little boy anymore.
Kimble: That's not what it is.
Dominic: Why don't you want to see your little boy? Was he bad?
Kimble: No, he was not bad. It wasn't his fault at all. You see, his mommy and I, we just nev… Just sit down, okay?
Sean: (V/O as Kid) Hey, I want to know what happened between Mr. Kimble and his wife.
Sean: (Narrating) While the kids are asleep, Kimble is busy grading some papers until…
(Crisp appears and Kimble sees him outside. Crisp pulls out his gun and points it at Kimble. Kimble gets up and yells until Crisp shoots him. Kimble then wakes up from his nightmare and sees Joyce entering the classroom)
"What the hell was that?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, talk about one hell of a nightmare. The way Crisp just slides into the frame and pulls out his .38 revolver and shoots Kimble just creeps the hell out of me. Plus, don't you just love how Randy Edelman's score goes from whimsical to serious?
"And really, a dream? Like they said on Saturday Night Live, "I hate when that happens! A dream sequence!" Why do they do that in movies? I've already proved my point on my Jaws: The Revenge review when I mentioned the dream sequence. But isn't it a damn good one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Joyce checks up on Kimble and sees how well he's handling the kindergarteners and she invites him over to her place for dinner, which Kimble accepts.
Joyce: How about 6:30, 7:00?
Kimble: That would be fine.
(Joyce smiles as she notices a milk mustache on Kimble)
Kimble: What?
Joyce: Um… You… You've got a little mustache. (Wipes it off of Kimble's face)
Kimble: Oh, it must be from the milk.
"You know what they say: got milk?" Sean said, imitating Kimble.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Kimble returns to the motel only to find a car sitting outside his motel room, and he goes to check it out, only to find Phoebe in bed eating pasta and startling her fiance Henry Shoop, played by Bob Nelson. Henry is a chef and he dropped by to visit Phoebe for her birthday. Also, the dude is a bit of a goofball too.
Phoebe: Henry, this is obviously my partner, John Kimble.
(Henry tries to shake Kimble's hand, but drops his pillow that was covering his behind)
Henry Shoop (Played by Bob Nelson): Oh, Jeez. Uh… (Shakes Kimble's hand)
Kimble: Hi.
Henry Shoop: How you doin'? Let me get this, and I'll be right out. (Picks up the pillow to cover his backside, then back into a lamp, knocking it down while heading into the bathroom)
Phoebe: It's okay, honey.
Henry Shoop: I'll be right out.
(We then see Henry stepping out of the bathroom wearing Phoebe's pink robe)
Phoebe: I love you, Henry.
Henry Shoop: I love you too, Phoebes.
"A goofball and a chef. Hey, this guy is a keeper. I wonder if he works for Gordon Ramsay." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kimble finally gets in touch with Zach's mother, played by Jayne Brook, and she tells Kimble about what's going on at home.
Zach's Mother (Played by Jayne Brook): Uh… I know what this is about. I suppose you saw the bruises on Zach's legs? My husband has started counseling about this. He's been going for three weeks now. Please don't bring the school system into it. It will make matters worse.
Kimble: He's beating you, too?
"Where is this bastard? I'll break his goddamn spine." Sean said, imitating Kimble.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, there's something going on with Admiral Cornwell from Star Trek: Discovery. Aside from her letting Kimble know that her son of a bitch husband is beating her child and she wants Kimble to not saying anything.
"See? This is what happens when you're cast as a teacher in Superman IV." Sean said until he recognizes the actress playing Zach's mother. "Holy shit, that is the same actress. I don't believe it. She's the same actress who appeared in a bad movie that I reviewed a few years ago."
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble lets Mrs. Sullivan know that if her husband hits Zach again then he's gonna press charges. In the meantime, let's check on Cindy as she goes to see her local drug dealer to score herself some coke, but this is all a plan for Mrs. Crisp to get back at her for ratting on her son.
Dope Dealer (Played by Chi-Muoi Lo): Here, lady. I gave her your stuff. Now, where's the rest of my money?
(Mrs. Crisp gives the dope dealer the money)
Dope Dealer: Who are you, old lady?
Eleanor Crisp: Your fairy godmother.
Sean: (V/O as Eleanor Crisp) …motherfucker.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that evening, Phoebe let's Kimble know that Zach and his mother aren't related to Crisp. What a surprise. Anyway, Kimble prepares for his date with Joyce as Phoebe hands him a bottle of wine and flowers to give to Joyce. He arrives to have dinner with Joyce and Dominic and she shows him around the house. And Dominic shows Kimble his special place.
Dominic: This is my secret hiding spot.
Kimble: Wow. This is amazing. (Sees Dominic's laser gun) What's this?
Dominic: This is a laser, and it'll burn a hole right through you.
"Neat hiding spot. Not to mention the fact that you have the Ghostbusters proton pack and he's got the Real Ghostbusters toy gun too." Sean said.
Dominic: I put up these lasers to protect us.
Kimble: To protect you from what?
Dominic: The bad people.
"The bad people. Are you talking about Putin and Trump?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Dominic also shows Kimble the tower and he plans on planting one of his laser on the antenna, but he'll have to do it at night. But before he goes to eat, Kimble searches around the house to look for some info on Joyce. Hopefully he doesn't get caught.
Dominic: (Sees Kimble in his mother's closet) What you doing in there?
(Kimble sighs)
Kimble: I'm lost. Where is the dining room? I mean, this house is huge.
"I was just blousing, I mean browsing. Your mother has some nice panties, I mean, where's the dining room?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble and Joyce do some talking and they talk about exes and all that stuff. But then, she tells Kimble about her ex-husband and tells him about how bad he is.
Joyce: The truth is, my ex-husband is a walking nightmare. He didn't leave us, we left him. He found out where we were and he tried to kidnap Dominic. He doesn't know where we are now, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Kimble: Of course. I'm glad he's in France and doesn't live nearby.
(Joyce stays silent for a bit)
Joyce: He doesn't live in France. I told Dominic that he lived in France. I didn't know who my ex-husband was when I married him.
"Well, you should've realized that you were married to the bully from Three O'Clock High. I mean, the dude knocked out a football player with one punch in the library. You should be ashamed of yourself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble promises Joyce that he won't reveal her secret. The next day, Phoebe gives Kimble some info on Joyce and the whereabouts of the money. But O'Hara tells him that she doesn't live like someone with millions of dollars. But Kimble has a gut feeling that Joyce is Crisp's ex-wife.
Phoebe: You know what I think? I think you want it to be her. You really like her, and it's scaring you to death.
Jillian, Sylvester's Mother: (Enters the gymnasium with a pony and a bike) Excuse me! Surprise! Ladies! Ladies, surprise. Obviously, I'm not into baking cakes, so I brought these little things to donate for the raffle prizes.
Phoebe: Who the hell is that?
"Carrigan Crittenden from Casper. I mean, who enters a school with a pony? Just be glad it wasn't the ponylion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble and his class head back to the classroom and he bumps into Joyce once more and they talk for a bit while the kids are watching. Afterwards, Zach and his mother arrive late and when she leaves, Kimble notices some bruises on the back of Zach and we come to my favorite scene of the movie.
Kimble: Hey, wait a minute.
Zach's Mother: Uh… I forgot to close the door to the basement, and Zach had a bad fall. The doctor says it looks much worse than it really is.
Kimble: Sure. You all say the same thing, "The kid fell down the stairs." Don't you have anything better to say than that?
Zach's Mother: It's true! Look, I don't have to justify myself to you! You don't have any right to talk to me like that.
(Kimble sees Zach's father and approaches him)
Zach's Father (Played by John Hammil): Hey, how are you doing? You must be the Mr. Kimble we hear so much about.
(Mr. Sullivan offers to shake Kimble's hand, but Kimble pushes him against his car)
Kimble: You hit the kid, I hit you.
Zach's Father: You bastard!
(Mr. Sullivan tries to hit Kimble, but Kimble blocks the hit. Then Kimble punches him in the stomach, grabs him by the shirt and gets ready to punch him in the face, but looks to see the students and two housewives pushing their babies in strollers witnessing this)
Kimble: You're not worth it. I'm pressing charges against you.
"I have no words. It's the best scene ever. I mean, my God. Don't we all wish to give an abusive father their just desserts? Man, this is the ultimate fantasy of mine. Punching an abusive father in the stomach and punch them in the face. Way to go, Kimble!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Kimble doesn't punch the guy's head off as Miss Schlowski has some words with Kimble. Turns out she checked him out, only to find that he doesn't have any teaching experience.
Miss Schlowski: I thought the introduction of a ferret was a horrible idea, but the children seemed to like it. I thought the use of your police whistle was outrageous, but…
Kimble: That's all I could think of.
Miss Schlowski: Please allow me to finish.
Kimble: Sorry.
Miss Schlowski: But it worked. I have no idea what kind of police officer you are, but you're a very good teacher.
(Kimble looks at Miss Schlowski)
Kimble: Thank you.
"Well, somebody loves Kimble's methods." Sean said.
Miss Schlowski: Now, will you tell me something? Don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
Kimble: It felt great.
Miss Schlowski: Yeah.
"Hey, after hitting an abusive father, you know that Kimble is still going to teach the kindergarten class. Hell, if they put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Radio Flyer and Arnold beats up the abusive father. I would definitely watch that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating)We cut to a morgue, where we see that, what a shock, Cindy is dead. Which means that Crisp is freed. And you know what, he gets out of jail and he reunites with his mother and they'll be headed to Astoria. Speaking of Astoria, we cut to the Astoria Elementary School Fair, where everybody is having a good time and stuff and seeing the kindergarteners recite the Gettysburg Address.
"Oh, great. I mentioned the Gettysburg Address and the movie's composer did the score to Gettysburg." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, Miss Schlowski is thinking of making Kimble a permanent kindergarten teacher. Meanwhile, we cut to Crisp and his mother arriving in Astoria and Crisp goes to a toy store to buy his son a gift, but somebody else beats him to the punch because it's the last one. So, he tries to talk to the guy into giving him the toy.
Crisp: I'm sorry. I wanted to give you a second chance. Here's $200.
Daryl (Played by Charlie Holliday): What is wrong with you, mister?
Crisp: I'm still not getting through to you am I, Daryl?
(Crisp kicks Daryl in the gut and slams his head into the car door, knocking him out)
"And immediately, Richard Tyson forgot which movie he's in and he turns into Buddy Revell from Three O'Clock High." Sean said.
(The scene where Crisp knocks out is seen once more, followed by a clip from the 1987 comedy Three O'Clock High)
Buddy Revell (Played by Richard Tyson): (After knocking out Craig Mattey in the library and sees Jerry and Vincent) Shhhh.
"Oh, man. I cannot believe that I still remember the movie Three O'Clock High." Sean chuckled. "That's one movie for me to review in the future."
"What is this, Rick vs. Terri in Degrassi?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile O'Hara gives Kimble the bad news by letting him know that Cindy O.D.'d and they released Crisp and he's probably on his way to Astoria, so now its time to tell Joyce the truth.
Phoebe: We're not who you think we are.
Joyce: What is this?
Kimble: We're police officers. I know who you are… Rachel.
Joyce: Is this some kind of joke, right.
Phoebe: No. This is no joke. You took $3 million.
Joyce: No. I think you guys…
Kimble: Listen, Crisp knows where you are. He could be here any minute.
"Hey, geniuses. Crisp is already in Astoria with his mama and he's probably beating people up for kids' toys." Sean said.
Joyce: Where's Dominic?
Phoebe: We can offer you immunity for your testimony, you won't go to jail but we need you to help us.
Joyce: Where's Dominic?
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) He's riding on the ponylion.
Kimble: The only way we can offer you protection is if you tell us where the money is.
Joyce: There is no money, you son of a bitch. There never was!
"So, I guess the money is up your ass and around the corner?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating)) So yeah, Joyce isn't taking the news very well and also Crisp wants Dominic. Knowing that she's gonna run away again, Kimble heads over to Joyce's house to find her and Dominic. He finds Joyce, who's busy looking for Dominic. Where is Dominic you might ask? Well, he ran off to get his lasers and to do something very stupid and very dangerous when he climbs the top of a radio tower and…
(While grabbing his "lasers", Dominic gets knocked off by a bird and falls, but gets snagged on the ladder)
Dominic: Aah! Help! Help! Help!
Sean starts breaking down in laughter.
"Okay, I don't know who sounds funny saying "help". Either him or Cody from The Rescuers Down Under." Sean said.
Dominic: Help! Help!
(A clip from The Rescuers Down Under is shown)
Cody (Voiced by Adam Ryen): Help! Help!
(Both clips are shown back to back)
Kimble: (Yells) SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
"Yikes!" Sean recoils back in his seat. "Sorry."
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Kimble and Joyce arrive in the nick of time to save Dominic. Anyway, Joyce tells Kimble that Crisp said that he stole his money so his scumbag friends would follow them for a reward.
Joyce: You don't know what he's like.
Kimble: Oh yes, I do. I know him well. That's why I don't want him to get his hands on you and Dominic.
Joyce: Can't trust you. I can't trust anybody.
Kimble: You can trust me.
Joyce: Oh yeah? That's what you said before. And then you turned out to be a cop.
"Well, have you ever thought about dating Puerto Rican gangsters who's trying not to get back into the criminal lifestyle?" Sean said, referencing the 1993 film Carlito's Way.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, all this talk about crazy ex-husbands who act like Rick from Degrassi, trusting people, sons and being on the run is getting me pretty hot. Let's make out!
(Kimble and Joyce kiss)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kimble and O'Hara arrive at school with Joyce for protection and he introduces her to his students about stranger danger.
(Joseph raises his hand)
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joseph: Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.
(The children start laughing)
Phoebe: Well, you taught them the basics. That's important.
"He got that from Louis Creed." Sean said.
Phoebe: Okay, now today we're going to talk about something else that's really important. Today, we're going to talk about strangers. Like let's say here at home, if a stranger knocks on your door, you should never answer the door. Never.
"Unless it's the pizza man or The Joker." Sean said.
Phoebe: Because we never talk to strangers. Okay, why don't we all say that together.
All: We never talk to strangers.
"What am I getting a kindergarten lesson here? I'm only 30, goddamn it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, we see that Miss Schlowski is busy talking to someone in her office and that someone happens to be…
("Dun Dun Dun" music plays in the background after Crisp is revealed)
"CRISP!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) She shows him the kindergarten class and he sees his son Dominic until he sees Kimble.
(Kimble emerges from the children)
Sean: (V/O as Kimble) Yah! I'm the king of the mountain! Yah!
Sean: (Also v/o as Crisp) Holy crap! You've got Dolph Lundgren.
Miss Schlowski: He looks odd, but he's a wonderful teacher.
Crisp: Yes, I'm sure he is.
"And then, this is where the movie gets intense and it's at the climax of the film. And man, it's really good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Crisp tells his mother that he sees his son and he starts a fire in the school library and everybody panics. Crisp kidnaps Dominic with the children spotting him and Kimble goes after him. Joyce goes in to find her son, Crisp telling Dominic that he's his father and tries to harm him and Phoebe tries to enter the school but gets hit by Mrs. Crisp's car and she takes Phoebe's gun. I just love everything about the climax, the dialogue, the intensity, the music, the acting, the cinematography, the lighting. There's also a bit of humor too and did I mention this is an Ivan Reitman movie?
(Kimble opens the door to the teacher's lounge, only to find a teenage boy and his girlfriend kissing. The boy is played by Ivan Reitman's son Jason Reitman)
Kimble: (Points his gun) Freeze!
(The teenage boy and his girlfriend scream as they see Kimble)
Kimble: (Extremely annoyed) Don't you know the building is on fire?
Kissing Boy (Played by Jason Reitman) We-we thought it was another drill.
Kissing Girl (Played by Tiffany Reaves): Yeah.
Kimble: Well, get out!
Kissing Boy: Yes, sir.
"And that my friends is how Jason Reitman directed the movie Juno. And if you want me to make another joke, I guess I should thank him for smoking." Sean said, mentioning two of Jason Reitman's movies.
Sean: (Narrating) Joyce finds her ex-husband holding her son captive in the locker room and she tries to take Dominic away from him. But he acts like Ricky from Degrassi and smacks her around, which scares Dominic. But Kimble catches up to Crisp to stop him from doing any more harm.
Crisp: (Holding Dominic at gunpoint) Kimble! Hold it! Right there. Drop it! Hurry!
Joyce: Don't. Don't.
Kimble: He's not your hostage. He's your son.
Crisp: Drop it. On the floor.
Kimble: You want to do this to your own son? Huh?
Crisp: Drop it! I'm losing it! Hurry!
Kimble: Relax, okay. I'm putting it down.
Crisp: Hurry!
Kimble: Here! Here it is. Here it is. (Puts his gun down) Just don't harm the boy, okay?
Crisp: Good. Good. That's smart.
Kimble: All right. Why don't you let the boy go now?
Crisp: The boy is mine! He's my boy! You get your own goddamn family!
(Kimble's ferret crawls onto Crisp. Just as Crisp gets ready to shoot Kimble, Kimble's ferret bites him on the neck, causing him to accidentally shoot Kimble in the leg and Kimble fatally shoots Crisp)
"Yeah, so much for the ferret not biting anyone. What is it that you said again?" Sean asked.
Kimble: No. That's not true. He never bites.
"Yeah, I call bullshit on that one because clearly your ferret bites. It's just like me saying that my cat doesn't bite and yet she does." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mama Crisp shoots Kimble in the shoulder and she tries to kill him, but luckily Phoebe swoops in by giving that psychotic Granny Goose the taste of the old Louisville Slugger. Kimble is hospitalized and makes a full recovery while Phoebe and her clumsy fiance Henry come to visit.
Kimble: Henry, I almost didn't recognize you with all your clothes on.
Henry Shoop: You know, you look pretty good yourself.
(Henry accidentally pulls on the traction cord that's holding Kimble's injured leg, hurting him)
"And immediately, the clumsy idiot tries to kill him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kimble returns to Astoria Elementary to surprise the kids, which means that he's staying to become a kindergarten teacher at the school full-time. Joyce and Kimble reunite and kiss with everyone cheering and we get a happy ending.
"And that was Kindergarten Cop, one of my favorite Schwarzenegger movies ever and honestly, I have no complaints about this movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie that hasn't been said? Well, it's one of the funniest comedies ever and one of the best Schwarzenegger movies ever. Yes, you might think that this idea is silly, but it's a really good idea. It's funny, it's charming and it has some action in it. I love that it tackles child abuse in this movie. It's also highly quotable too. Try watching this movie without repeating some of the lines. It's impossible to do so. The film still holds up pretty well over thirty years. And yes, there is a sequel to Kindergarten Cop 2 starring Dolph Lundgren. And no, don't expect me to review this sequel because it is stupid and shameful. This movie is the start of Schwarzenegger in his kid movie phase, kinda like when Vin Diesel starred in The Pacifier and The Rock starring in Tooth Fairy. Kindergarten Cop is a really good comedy to watch and if you haven't seen it, then go check it out or buy it on DVD. Kindergarten Cop gets 4 toys to the carpet out of 5.
"And that's all the time that we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- IT'S NOT A TUMOR!
And I'm finished with this review. I hope that you all enjoyed it and I hope that you love this fitting tribute to Ivan Reitman. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean moves from reviewing a good movie to reviewing a bad movie, a really bad movie when he reviews the infamous Tommy Wiseau movie The Room. Will he lose his mind from reviewing this movie? Afterwards, it's time for another installment of Sean's Story Arc when he reviews Darkwing Duck. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have any requests for a movie or TV show for me to review, feel free to PM or leave a message in the reviews and I'll reply back. I'll see you guys next time.