The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. It's that time again. It's time for Sean the Mayhem Critic and his good buddy Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever to take a look at more commercials in Commercials VIII: The Last Commercial… don't worry, it's not the last Commercials special, there will be more later on. Will they find some good commercials? Will there be any commercials that will end up making them turn into raging lunatics? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
Episode 149
Commercials VIII: The Last Commercial
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro before it gets interrupted by some TV static. After the TV static disappears, we see Sean J. Archer, a.k.a the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch. He is seen wearing his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt, jeans and white Adidas sneakers. Sitting right next to him is his good buddy Lucas, a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever)
"We interrupt this program to bring you this important message." Sean said.
"COMMERCIALS!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
"Roll it!" Lucas said as he points to his left.
(Different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)
(TV static transitions to: Diet Coke Batman Returns commercial from 1992)
(The commercial opens with Batman driving through Gotham City in his Batmobile)
Sean: (Narrating) And what a way to start off this year's commercials special is with a celebrity endorsement. And just in time for the film's 30th anniversary too. Take a look at Diet Coke promoting Batman Returns.
Reporter: News alert. Someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply.
(Batman stops the Batmobile in front of a vending machine)
Lucas: (Narrating) So what's he gonna do? Is he gonna beat the shit out of Doug Walker? Stop rioters? Foil the Penguin's plot to drown babies? Beat up on the Red Triangle Gang? Hell, no! He just wants his Diet Coke.
(The power goes out on the Diet Coke vending machine due to a blackout)
Reporter: Dangerous citywide blackout.
Sean: (Narrating) But some devious villain is stealing Gotham's power supply and Batman will not rest until he gets his Diet Coke fix.
(Batman races through the city)
Announcer: When you want a Diet Coke, you want a Diet Coke.
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Diet Coke! Diet Coke! DIET COOOOOOOOKE!
Lucas: (Narrating) Jesus Christ, man! He's driving all crazy through the streets of Gotham all because of some Diet Coke. He can't fight crime without his Diet Coke.
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Get the fuck out of my way! (We cut to clips of Batman Returns, showing Batman driving the out-of-control Batmobile through the streets and plowing through traffic) I NEED MY DIET COOOOOOOOKE! I swear, if another vending machine goes down, I'm gonna beat the shit out of Doug Walker! DIET COOOOOOOOOOOOOKE! Fuck you, traffic! Stay out of my way!
(Cut back to the commercial)
Announcer: After all, there's just one.
(Batman approaches the vending machine as Catwoman laughs over him on the rooftop)
Sean: (Narrating) And we see who the culprit is that is responsible for stealing Gotham City's power supply and robbing the Dark Knight of his Diet Coke. It was Catwoman all along. Really? Was this supposed to be her master plan? Just cause a blackout so she can screw with Batman and his craving of low-calorie soda? Come on, Catwoman! You gotta come up with a better plan than this one.
Lucas: (Narrating) Hell, The Joker can come up with a better plan than this. And what's with Batman driving all crazy for some Diet Coke? Who drinks diet soda?
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Sam Puckett (Played by Jennette McCurdy): (Spits out her soda after realizing she's drinking diet soda that Carly has poured in) This is diet!
Carly Shay (Played by Miranda Cosgrove): I just said it was diet.
(Catwoman tosses down the can of Diet Coke as Batman catches the can with his grappling hook)
Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste.
"Not only that but Batman drinks it. Hell, I drink Diet Coke too… sometimes. Okay, I didn't care for Diet Coke, but I drank it because Batman drinks it. Yeah, I would love to see Kevin Conroy's Batman to drink Diet Coke. Then that would be awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman loves it so much that he would let this city burn just so he can get his Diet Coke and you know what, this is the best endorsement that I have ever seen in my life.
Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste.
Sean: (V/O as Batman) I WANT MY DIET COOOOOOOOOKE!
(TV static transitions to: Memorex's "Is It Live Or Is It Memorex" commercial from 1981)
(The commercial opens up with a dude singing in a rock and roll band. He has a mullet and a mustache complete with a dark purple shirt and white jeans.)
Singer: *singing* Chemical can't get enough…
Narrator: (Narrating) The amplified human voice could shatter a glass…
Singer: *singing* Needs to loooooooooove…!
(A glass is then shown, breaking it in pieces.)
Narrator: …is remarkable.
"Um, what was that?" Sean said as he was trying to rub his ears.
"Seriously, we can't really hear what the hell's going on now." Lucas replied to the camera, all while rubbing his ears as well. "That dude with the freaky-ass Lord Farqquad mullet got us deaf!"
"What did you say?" Sean said, trying to hear what Lucas said.
Then, all of a sudden, Brian stood in front of the two and said, "Don't worry, I got this."
She then plugged their noses, letting Sean and Lucas leave out a big breath that it popped their hearing back in their ears.
"Ah, thanks dude." Sean nodded to Brian.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, we all know what you're asking, why is that dude singing loudly like an annoying banshee? Well, if you would have guessed, it's one of those commercials promoting Memorex cassette tapes of course. Because what's a good case of earrape without Memorex?
Sean: (Narrating) The whole basics of these commercials is to prove a theory that the loudest sound coming from a human voice can be loud enough to shatter glass, even if it comes from a cassette tape.
"What's the difference though?" Sean shrugged out, "Both are basically loud enough that can make my ears bleed. Just ask the old couple next door that had sex last night."
(A human finger is shown, pressing the "play" button on the tape.)
Narrator: That a cassette recording of that voice could shatter a glass…
Singer: Needs to love…
(The glass then shatters.)
Narrator: …is amazing.
Sean and Lucas are then shown on camera wearing their protective earmuffs, just as a precaution to protect their ears from the loud noise.
"Never to worry, everyone. We've come prepared." Sean said, pointing to their earmuffs.
Narrator: But after 1,000 plays can the same cassette still shatter a glass…
(Multiple clips of the human finger pressing the "play" button on the cassette player begin playing in grid like form.)
Singer: Needs to love…
(The glass shatters yet again.)
Narrator: …it can if it's totally new Memorex.
"Man, I can totally tell that wine glass has suffered long enough." Lucas nodded out.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, watching this commercial, it's gotta be mighty impressive how one loud voice is more than enough to break the simplest glass in existence.
"You want to know how that's true?" Sean asked to the camera before pointing to the left, "Here's exactly what happened last week to me."
(Cutaway gag plays.)
(We see Taylor pouring herself a glass of orange juice in the kitchen.)
Taylor: Oh man, am I thirsty.
(Before she could drink it however, Sean's loud voice rings out of nowhere.)
Sean: (screaming) OH MY GOD!
(His scream breaks Taylor's entire glass of O.J., leaving Sean to appear right behind her.)
Taylor: Sean, what the hell's your problem?!
Sean: *shouting excitingly* Scott The Woz finally uploaded a video!
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"I'm not lying, I owe her a new glass for that incident." Sean pointed out.
(The commercial plays yet again.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Memorex. A commercial so ear-bleedingly good, it asked us one simple question…
Narrator: Now even after 1,000 plays, reproduction so true we ask, "Is it live…"
Singer: *singing* Needs to love…
(The glass breaks once again.)
Narrator:...or is it Memorex?"
"Hmmm, good question, let's ask Taylor." Sean nodded before shouting to Taylor at the kitchen, "HEY TAYLOR!"
Much to Sean and Lucas's surprise however, Taylor started to ignore both men as she took her leave. Interestingly enough, Taylor started to dig her ears from left to right as if it looked like somebody talked to her or something. She then shrugs it out before leaving.
"Huh, I think she's either deaf from that dude's voice or she's still pissy about the orange juice incident." Lucas shrugged out.
"Eh, could be both." Sean shrugged back before grabbing the remote, "Anyway, what's next?"
(TV static transitions to: Baby So Real commercial from 1995)
(The commercial opens with a realistic baby doll making baby noises and facial expressions)
Singer: (Sings) Baby So Real. I can tell by your face just how you feel.
"Well, there's something that's gonna end up being my worst nightmare." Sean said.
"I thought being chased by that giant fetus baby from Resident Evil Village was your worst nightmare." Lucas said.
"Yeah, that too. That fucking nightmare." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, if you think that the giant fetus baby from Resident Evil Village was creepy, then take a look at this commercial. You have these dolls called Baby So Real. Yeah, it was at the time when toy companies make dolls to make them look like real babies so little girls can know what it'll be like to have a baby without pushing one out from their vajay hole.
Little Girl #1: Can I hold her?
(The blonde-haired girl passes the doll over to the brunette girl)
Singer: (Sings) Baby So Real. I can tell by your face just how you feel.
(The doll starts to make crying noises)
Little Girl #1: I think she needs her mommy.
(The brunette-haired girl passes the doll back to her friend)
Little Girl #2: (Hugs the doll) Mommy knows best.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, you could tell that she likes her mommy better. Come on, it's a fuckin' doll! Why are you treating it like it's a real baby? This is just preparation for when you get pregnant and have a baby.
Little Girl #2: (To the doll) I love you.
(The doll makes baby noises once more)
"It's a fucking doll, you little bitch!" Lucas yelled out. "Stop acting like it's a real baby. It's not like you're gonna feed it."
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love the lyrics to the song?
Singer: (Sings) Baby So Real. I can tell by your face just how you feel.
Sean: (Narrating) This just screams Grammy Award right here. Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On ain't got nothing on this song.
Singer: (Sings) I can tell by your face just how you feel.
Lucas: (Narrating) "You can tell by your face just how you feel." Really? You can tell by the baby doll's face just how it feels? It makes the same friggin' expression ever time and you can tell just how it feels?
"Hey, Baby So Real. I'm getting really ticked off. Let's see how you're feeling." Lucas said.
(Cut back to the commercial, where we see the baby doll making a facial expression and cries)
"Well, there. I made the baby cry." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's a silly idea for a doll, but yet it's a good commercial with a catchy song.
Singer: (Sings) Baby So Real.
(We cut to two Baby So Real dolls: one black and one white)
Announcer: Baby So Real.
(TV static transitions to: Elias Brothers commercial featuring Bob Saget and Dave Coulier from 1984)
(The commercial opens up with two guys, one with black hair and a white buttoned-up shirt on the right and one with blonde hair and a tanned buttoned-up shirt, staring at the trays of food closeup at a buffet table.)
Narrator: The new Elias dinner buffet.
Blonde-haired guy (played by Dave Coulier): It's pasta night!
Black-haired guy (played by Bob Saget): Spaghetti!
Blonde-haired guy: Ravioli!
Black-haired guy: Meatballs!
Blonde-haired guy: *to Black-haired guy* Let's eat it all!
(The two men immediately dig right into the buffet table.)
"And make sure not to save any for Uncle Jesse and the rest of the Tanner kids." Sean smirked to the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, this one's a bit of a surprise to see. What you're watching is a pre-Full House Bob Saget and Dave Coulier in a commercial promoting Elias Brothers restaurants. If you're pretty much scratching your head wondering who they are, well they're a trio of brothers that would go on to own a chain of Big Boy restaurants from the 50's and all the way to 2000 when they ran right out of business faster than Uncle Jesse and the Rippers' entire career combined.
"Oh yeah, we totally went there." Lucas said.
Blonde-Haired Guy: Wish we could go back for some pizza.
Black-Haired Guy: What if we disguise ourselves?
(We then see that the two of them head back to the buffet table in disguise: the black-haired guy is seen wearing a viking helmet, glasses and a fake beard while the blonde-haired guy is seen wearing fake bushy eyebrows, a fake big nose and a fake beard as well)
Blonde-Haired Guy: Think they'll recognize us?
Black-Haired Guy: Nah!
Blonde-Haired Guy: I've never seen this food before.
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this. They walk up to the buffet table in ridiculous disguises. Hell, I can clearly see through those stupid disguises. Come up with better ones. I'd rather walk into Hustler Hollywood in a disguise just to buy a sex toy for Taylor and a DVD copy of Hot Showers 6 before somebody even recognizes who I am.
Blonde-Haired Guy: I could go for some garlic bread.
Black-Haired Guy: No problem.
"I got the perfect disguise that no one will even recognize us." Sean said, imitating the black-haired guy.
"Oh, come on. Why don't you guys disguise yourselves as Ferdinand Von Aegir from Fire Emblem Three Houses and Dipper Pines from Gravity Falls while you're at it?" Lucas asked.
"Or you can disguise yourselves as Carly Shay and Sam Puckett from iCarly? I'm sure that they won't recognize two grown men dressed as girls." Sean said.
Narrator: Besides pasta, we have chicken, or Greek dinner buffet. Mexican, different each night for one low price. Come back as often as you like!
"No shit, I bet the food's so delicious, you can have frickin' BadlandsChugs, Daym Drops, Matt Stonie and ErikTheElectric clean the whole buffet out in mere seconds!" Sean pointed out, "Heck, we would do the same thing too."
"What can I say? Elias Brothers is the place where if you die, this is how buffet heaven would be like." Lucas replied before shaking his head, "Uncle Jesse wouldn't be allowed unfortunately."
(A clip of the show Full House plays featuring Jesse Katsopolis.)
Jesse Katsopolis (Played by John Stamos): Have mercy.
(Back to commercial where both the blonde and black-haired guy are dressed up as a horse, all while they encounter a waitress.)
Black-haired waitress: How many times have you guys been up here?
(The upper part of the horse taps his foot multiple times.)
"Eh, that was interesting enough." Lucas shrugged, "But it totally would've been better if it ended like this.
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see both Sean and Lucas inside at a Elias Brothers restaurant dressed up as a horse in which Sean is the upper part of the horse and Lucas is the lower part of the horse. They are soon stopped by a black-haired waitress, which is Taylor in a black-haired wig.)
Taylor (as Waitress): How many times have you guys been up here?
Sean (as the horse's upper body): Aw fuck, she knows!
Lucas (as the horse's lower body): Let's split!
(The "horse" then runs away, ending the cutaway gag.)
(TV static transitions to: Paul Masson Wine commercials featuring Orson Welles from 1978 to 1981)
(The commercial opens with actor Orson Welles sitting at a table while listening to Beethoven)
Orson Welles: (Turns down the music) Took Beethoven four years to write that symphony.
"Boy, these commercials aged gracefully like fine wine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you've probably heard of these commercials or the wine. You have a series of commercials featuring Orson Welles talking about Paul Masson wine. And these are some pretty interesting when they hired him for their "Emerald Dry" white table wine.
Orson Welles: Paul Masson's Rhine Castle. The taste is smooth, flavorful, delicious.
"It's much better than frozen peas." Lucas said, imitating Orson Welles.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, I would want to get my wine from the guy who voiced Unicron. Hell, I can imagine Maurice LaMarche as the Brain doing this. Mostly because, the Brain's voice was based on Orson Welles. And I have to say that the dude loves his wine.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, remember the outtakes for one of the commercials that he's done? Well, take a look at this one. You'll know where this came from.
Orson Welles: The taste of French champagne is always been celebrated for it's excellence. There's a California champagne by Paul Masson, inspired by that same French excellence. It's fermented in the bottle and like the best French champagne, it's vintage-dated.
Lucas: (Narrating) From what we've heard, there were outtakes of the commercial where Orson Welles was drunk and it is funny as hell.
(A clip from the original takes for the Paul Masson French Champagne commercial is shown)
Orson Welles: (Drunk) Ahhhhh, the French champagne! That's always been celebrated for it's excellence. It is a California champagne by Paul Masson. Inspired by that same French excellence. It's fermented the bottle and like the best French champagne, it's vintage-dated.
Director: Cut!
Sean: (Narrating) This commercial has been parodies and if you've seen the parody of the outtakes, then you will have a great laugh. You know, I can imagine how it went down while filming the commercial. I bet that Welles was a pain to work with.
(Cutaway gag is shown)
(We see Sean, who's playing Orson Welles, sitting at a table with Taylor and Oliver is playing the waiter and he's holding the bottle of Paul Masson wine)
Lucas: (as Director) And action!
Sean: (as Orson Welles) (Points to Oliver) He doesn't do anything?
Lucas: Cut!
(Next take)
Sean: (Drunk) Muwahhhhh, the French champagne! It's always been celebrated for it's excellence. There is a California champagne by Remy Martin… inspired by that French excellence…
Lucas: Cut!
(Third take)
Sean: There is a California champagne by Paul Masson. Inspired by that same French excellence. It's fermented in the bottle…
(Sean falls over his chair)
Lucas: Oh, my God! Jesus! Somebody grab him! Careful, he's heavy!
(Next take)
Sean: Muwahhhh, the French champagne! (Grabs the bottle of champagne) It's always been celebrated… (Drinks from out of the bottle)
Lucas: Son of a bitch! Grab that bottle away from him!
(The other crew members try to grab the champagne bottle away from Sean)
Sean: Get the hell away from me! What do you want? It's not for you. Let me drink in peace, you little shit! (Fights off the crew members) Back off! You're gonna need a bag of frozen peace for right after I give you a black eye!
Lucas: God! Jesus! I'm never working with this guy ever again.
(Cutaway gag ends)
Lucas: (Narrating) If you haven't seen the commercials, then go check them out now. You might need a drink afterwards.
Orson Welles: We will sell no wine before its time.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
The Brain (Voiced by Maurice LaMarche): Get me a jury and show me how you can say 'In July' and I'll… make cheese for you.
(TV static transitions to: "E.T." Atari 2600 video game Christmas commercial from 1982)
(The commercial opens up at a closeup of a Christmas ornament, which soon switches over to a scene where the boy and girl's parents are turning off the lights before they go to bed.)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, this is interesting. A Christmas commercial in the middle of June? Well, definitely didn't expect that.
(We then cut to the living room, where we see the family dog sitting by the fireplace. Then, a bright light shines through the window, shining the whole living room which is soon followed by the image of a door being opened by alien hands.)
"Oh crud, somebody better inform Mel Gibson." Lucas pointed out.
(The dog sees E.T. come in the house dressed up as Santa, even though his back is in front of the camera. The dog gets up off of his seat, and scatters around E.T. as he approaches a Christmas tree.)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, what do you know, it's E.T. himself. I wonder what he could be doing here this Christmas season? Ah, looks like there's a present for him.
"Boy, I honestly wonder what kind of awesome present our favorite Extra Terrestrial is gonna be getting this holiday season?" Sean said, rubbing his hands with anticipation.
"I bet someone gave him a copy of Alien Sluts 5 starring Savannah Bond and Angela White." Lucas smirked out, "Oooh, I can't wait."
(E.T. magically opens up the present to reveal a copy of "E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial" for the Atari 2600.)
Sean and Lucas immediately see this and are shocked, yet stunned speechless at the game reveal.
The two are stunned silent for a good five seconds before Sean upsettingly uttered out, "You've got to be frigging kidding me…"
(The image of "E.T." for the Atari 2600 is shown yet again.)
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, why didn't I see this coming? This game right here burns my piss to a boil!
(Clips of the movie E.T. plays out in a montage while the signature theme song plays in the background.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, you're definitely familiar with the massive box office smash of 1982, right? You know what I'm talking about. "E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial" was the film your kids and adults had no choice but to enjoy the first time you see it. You know the plotline already. Alien lands on Earth, Alien forms friendship with boy over delicious Reese's Pieces, Alien tries not to get captured and killed by secret government agents, Alien gets taken for a ride across the moon by Henry Thomas and of course, goes home. This was a film you can't help but cry of how beautiful this was as a masterpiece. And since this film was so big, Atari capitalized on the opportunity to get some of that E.T. money by making a video game based on the feature film, which Sean will get to one of these days. Just how exactly did that game end up as, you may ask? Well, it's like this.
(A gameplay clip of E.T. falling down into a pit is shown.)
The camera gets a good look at Sean, who appeared to look pissed off and annoyed as hell.
He then grabbed his megaphone from under the couch and screamed, "IT… WAS… SHIIIIIIIIIT!"
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you heard me and Lucas right, this game was ass. This godawful excuse of a baby turd was the real simple reason video games nearly died in the form of The Video Game Crash of 1983! This game was atrocious in every way that every simple copy of "E.T." for the Atari 2600 had to be frickin' buried in the desert, forgotten by time itself. In the times following that tragic mistake, every video game reviewer from the Angry Video Game Nerd to the Irate Gamer gave this film a big serious beat down that it deserved, plain and frickin' simple!
"It was thanks to this trash heap that games such as Superman 64, Action 52, WWE 2K20 and Ride To Hell: Retribution followed in this game's footsteps when it comes to screwing up their bug-filled reputations." Lucas said as he crossed his arms, "It's like buying a used expired carton of vanilla ice cream that is runny and tastes like horse jizz. It just straight up ruins the product."
(The TV turns right on before E.T. puts the game cartridge in the Atari 2600. After that, the camera gets a good shot of the E.T. title screen displaying on the television all before gameplay of the entire game is shown.)
Narrator: Only from Atari. Made especially for systems from Atari.
(The dog turns to the boy and girl as they enter the living room and sees E.T. sitting on the chair, playing the game)
Narrator: The video game that let's you help E.T. get home.
"And have him fall down stupid fucking pits." Sean groaned angrily, "I swear, that's what you mostly do in the game. Just imagine if Final Fantasy VII played like E.T.. Instead of saving the world from Sephiroth, you have Cloud falling down and dying in a hole. That's a nightmare if I heard one."
Lucas: (Narrating) I swear, I don't know who I feel bad for. That dog who has to watch a crappy game being played or the the kids who are gonna regret getting getting this game for fricking Christmas. Take your pick.
"Spoiler alert: THEY BOTH. LOSE. PERIOD." Sean said, crossing his arms angrily to the camera.
(The camera closes in on a shot of a Christmas ornament, all while the Atari logo appears in the middle.)
Narrator: Happy holidays from Atari.
"Well, right now, we're pissed off and depressed as it is." Lucas scowled to the camera before grabbing the remote. "Can't we at least have a game commercial that doesn't suck for once?"
(TV static transitions to: Sonic the Hedgehog 2 commercial from 1992)
(The commercial opens with the Sega Genesis and a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Announcer (Voiced by Mark Elliott): Now, when you buy the Sega Genesis that comes with Sonic 1, you get Sonic 2…
(A copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is shown)
Announcer: …absolutely free!
"Okay, now we're interested." Sean said.
"And just in time before the game's 30th anniversary." Lucas said.
"Although, I'm curious. What does Sonic the Hedgehog 2 do?" Sean asked.
"And why are you trying to sell the game like it's an infomercial?" Lucas asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Check out some of the ridiculous things that it does.
(We see a guy spilling wine on the couch while the person uses the Sonic the Hedgehog 2 game box as a cleaner. Then, we see that the game is used for covering a man's bald spot)
Announcer: Sonic 2 handles stubborn stains. Embarrassing bald spots, no problem.
"That's great to know. When my Uncle Wade comes to visit, I'm covering his bald spot with it the next time I see him." Sean said.
(We then see that the game is used to chop celery, onions and julienne potatoes)
Announcer: It even slices and dices. Makes thousands of julienne fries.
"Wait, so it does that? I need to try that out." Lucas said.
"Hey, I still have my copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and you want to know what it's good for?" Sean asked.
"What?" Lucas asked.
"It's good for using it as a boomerang to hit my rival movie critics in the face with it.." Sean said.
Announcer: But wait, you could play it too.
(Cut to gameplay footage of Sonic 2 while the special stage theme plays in the background)
Announcer: This free Sonic 2 has a $54.99 value. You get two Sonics for the price of one. Sonic 2 fits easily into any tacklebox. Made from a space age polymer plastic for years of family fun and pets love it too.
"My cat Riley sleeps with Sonic the Hedgehog 2. She uses it as a pillow to rest her head on it." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) I just love listening to announcer Mark Elliott's voice. He always had a warm and inviting voice. He always knew how to make movie trailers and commercials exciting. If he was still alive today, we would continue to listen to his voice. Just imagine him doing the narration for a naughty fanfic.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Lucas listening to Mark Elliott narrating the Total Drama fanfic titled "An Evening to Ourselves". Also, Sean is voicing Mark Elliott)
Sean: (V/O as Mark Elliott) "No doubt this was gonna be better for him as the blonde-haired rocker watched Taylor tease him thanks to her own supple cleavage being heaved up to her chest. Rock found himself panting like a desperate dog in major heat, sweating bullets in an amount of milliseconds of the sight dancing before him.
Lucas: Damn. This is much hotter than Brazzers porn right here.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, imagine him and Don LaFountaine doing a voiceover for a commercial. That would be one epic as hell commercial. Also, two Sonics for the price of one.
"Take our money. Take our money immediately! We want this awesome game that could do some ridiculous things and yet it real life it wouldn't because it's just so stupid to do so. But take our money!" Sean exclaimed while holding out a money roll.
(Cut to a beautiful red-headed woman holding the Sonic 2 game and smiles at the camera, followed by the words "WELCOME TO THE NEXT LEVEL" covering her face)
Announcer: Buy the Sega Genesis that comes with Sonic 1 and get Sonic 2 free!
Announcer #2: Act now. Weiner dog sweater sold separately.
(TV static transitions to: "Biker Mice From Mars" toy commercial from 1994)
(The commercial opens up to an animated clip from the cartoon "Biker Mice From Mars" in which Modo, Throttle and Vinnie are riding their motorcycles set to their theme song.)
Chorus: *singing* Biker Mice From Mars.
Blonde-haired boy: Cool!
Throttle (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Yeah!
"Well, if nothing says "cool" other than watching another Ninja Turtle ripoff toy commercial, then sign me the hell up!" Sean smirked with an ounce of pride, "Obviously, that kid knows good taste in anthropomorphic heroes."
(Clips of the cartoon "Biker Mice From Mars" play out in a montage, all while the theme song continues to play in the background.)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we're diving into another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ripoff, but this time, we got a damn good one in the form of "Biker Mice From Mars". It was a cartoon that ran from 1993 and all the way from 1996, if that is if you count the short-lived 2006 version as well. The series consisted of three muscular rodent bikers from Mars named Throttle, Vinnie and Modo who make their new home in Chicago all while trying to stop the evil plans of one Laurence Limburger himself.
Announcer: Throttle, Vinnie, Moto. Biker mice on metal bikes with the firepower to stop the evil Plutarkians.
(The Plutarkians are shown in action figure form, but soon cuts to a freeze frame.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Hey look, Donald Trump has his own action figure. Hair's kinda wrong though.
Kid: Catch this, Karbunkle!
(The kid presses on the button to the toy motorcycle, which shoots out a missile knocking Karbunkle down.)
Vinnie (voiced by Ian Ziering): Gets 'em, every time.
"Yep, you got that right!" Sean smirked to the camera, "Heck, it even works on Republican ex-presidents too!"
"Same for anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers and lame unfunny comedians named Jim Breuer too." Lucas smirked as well.
Kid 2: Step his way, vermin!
(The other kid holds up a Lawrence Limburger action figure.)
Modo (voiced by Dorian Harewood): No way, fish face!
(Modo shoots Lawrence Limburger with the missile, only for Lawrence's face to snap off, revealing a monstrous fish head.)
"Yikes! I don't know who's more uglier him…" Sean said.
(We cut to the Laurence Limburger action figure being shown along with the Dr. Claw action figure)
Sean: (Narrating) …or Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.
"Or maybe it's Donald Trump's true identity." Lucas said.
Kid 2: Greasepit will grease 'em!
Kid 1: Grease this!
(The boy pushes Vinnie's arm to knock over the Greasepit and Fred the Mutant figures)
"Nice comeback, kid." Sean said. "Yeah, sound like something that Steve Harrington from Stranger Things would say."
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Steve Harrington: (His voice is replaced by the kid's voice) Grease this!
(Steve punches Billy in the face)
"Hell, it would even sound like a one-liner from Arnold Schwarzenegger." Sean said.
(Cut to footage of another Biker Mice From Mars toy commercial, featuring the Sports Bros action figures)
Lucas: (Narrating) And if you think the Sewer Sports figures for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were ridiculous, then check out the Sports Bros figures, where you have sports renditions of our heroes. And those are my favorites.
Announcer: From the Biker Mice Sports Bros., here's Touchdown Modo's long ball, heads up!
Kid #1: Heads off!
(Touchdown Modo fires a football at Lawrence Limburger, hitting him in the face, only for it to snap off to reveal his monstrous fish head)
"Damn! Does he always lose his face every time?" Sean asked. "The dude always has his tower destroyed every time."
(A clip from Biker Mice From Mars is shown, featuring a clip of Limburger Tower bursting into flames after a tanker truck crashes into it)
Lawrence Limburger (Voiced by W. Morgan Sheppard): I hate when this happens.
Announcer: It's Vinnie's three-point play play off Greasepit, into Lectromag!
(The kid presses down on a button to Vinnie's blaster, which shoots out a basketball that goes through a hoop and knocks down Greasepit, which the figure falls over into the Lectromag figure)
Kid #2: Yes! Sports Bros., rock and ride!
"Yeah, I'm sure there's more renditions of these figures. Let's see. There's Race Car Vinnie, Firefighter Modo and Shark Hunter Throttle." Lucas said.
"Can you imagine somebody making Stranger Things action figures and they used the sporty renditions of our favorite characters? Yeah, I'm waiting for Baseball Swingin' Eleven and Tennis Ragin' Mike where you press a button and he starts raging like John McEnroe. I would love to see that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With action figures just as awesome as the show, we can only say these three words… rock and ride!
Announcer: Time to rock and ride! Biker Mice From Mars. Bikes and figures each sold separately. New from Galoob.
(TV static transitions to: Bedtime Barbie commercial from 1994)
(The commercial opens with a Barbie doll wearing a nightgown being shown as two girls watch)
Girl: Now, there's a new Barbie I can sleep with!
"Come again?" Sean asked.
Girl: Now, there's a new Barbie I can sleep with!
"Uhhhhh. Aren't you a little young to have yourself a lesbian experience?" Lucas asked with a confused look on his face.
Female Singer: Snuggle tonight, Bedtime Barbie. I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie.
We cut back to Sean and Lucas watching the commercial, with Sean having a disturbed smile on his face while Lucas has a confused look on his face.
Girl: Your whole body's soft.
"Okay! Look here, little girl. We're just gonna let you figure things out. Why don't you watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the Rugrats reboot, The Owl House, The Loud House, Craig of the Creek, Legend of Korra and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. Yeah, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has lesbian ponies. Lesbian ponies!" Sean exclaimed.
Female Singer: It's fun to brush your teeth and go to bed. Close your eyes, sleepyhead.
Girl: Night-night! (She kisses Bedtime Barbie)
"Where did you just kiss the doll at? Did you just kiss the doll's tits? Look, I know you're curious and all that but seriously?!" Lucas said.
Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie.
(Barbie's legs are shown being bended)
Lucas: (Narrating) Look at this. Looks like Barbie is also flexible in the bedroom like Coco Lovelock getting pounded by Charles Dera.
Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie!
Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body!
Sean immediately does a spit take right when he's drinking his can of Dark Berry Dr. Pepper.
"What?!" Sean exclaimed.
Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie doll has a soft body!
"How can you not take this seriously? You just can't with a line like that. You can't!" Sean exclaimed.
Female Announcer: Bedtime Barbie has a soft body!
"Yeah, imagine the adult version of Bedtime Barbie. In fact, there was a porno movie that I saw called "Bedtime Barbie" and it featured a scene where Nicolette Shea got double-teamed by Mick Blue and Nick Manning." Lucas said.
"I think I saw that one. And it involved a girl-girl scene between her and Natalia Starr. That was some hot stuff." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say? It's a doll for girls that are… um… curious.
Female Singer: I'll hold you tight, Bedtime Barbie!
Female Announcer: Bedtime Bardbie doll has a soft body!
(Sean spits out his drink offscreen)
Lucas: (V/O) Oh, come on!
(TV static transitions to: Hostamania commercial featuring Hulk Hogan from 2013)
(The commercial opens with a man coloring in Hulk Hogan's mustache with a yellow crayon)
"Oh, man. Now this is a commercial to talk about." Lucas said with a big smile on his face.
Lucas: (Narrating) If you haven't heard of this, then let me tell you about it. Hostamania provides web hosting powered by the one, the only….
(A montage of clips featuring Hulk Hogan is shown while the song "Real American" by Rick Derringer plays in the background)
"HULK HOGAN, BROTHER!" Sean and Lucas both shouted in excitement.
(Clips of Hulk Hogan matches begin playing in a montage.)
Lucas (Narrating) Yep, before he body-slammed Gawker, starred in many projects from his own wrestling reality show on CMT to Hogan Knows Best on VH1, starred in many movies and not to mention become a pariah due to a tape we definitely cannot play for safety and racist-related reasons, Hulk Hogan was the professional wrestler everyone wanted to be like in the 1980's. His physique, larger-than-life presence, colorful personality and memorable one liners helped WWE, aka the World Wrestling Entertainment, into the powerhouse sports entertainment company that is today. Of course, there were many commercials the Hulkster were already in like Honey Nut Cheerios, Arby's, 10-10-220 with Alf, but the one we decided to look at today is the Hostamania commercial because we got enough requests for this one as it seems.
"Of course, it opens up with some Hulk Hogan lookalike drawing a picture with a crayon." Lucas shrugged, "I don't know what could be so wrong about that."
(The man then gets a pop-up from his computer screen that reads "200,000 HOSTING ORDERS".)
Hulk Hogan (v/o as Lucas): Damn ex-wife's sending me fake orders again, jack.
(The Hulk Hogan lookalike then turns his chair to see a man resembling Seth Meyers hang upside down with a creepy stare in his face.)
"Hey Seth, that's the wrong set." Sean said to the camera, "They're hosting the Weekend Update in the next hall. You're kinda needed."
(The Seth Meyers lookalike draws out a Peach-colored crayon and eats it in front of the guy. The Hulk Hogan lookalike looks at it and is not impressed one bit.)
Hulk Hogan (v/o as Lucas): Really? That's my favorite crayon, brother. That's it. Not taking it anymore, dude.
(The Hulk Hogan lookalike leaves his chair, leaving the Seth Meyers lookalike confused as ever. All of a sudden, Hulk Hogan's "American Made" theme from WCW plays as the real Hulk Hogan is seen riding on top of a wrecking ball.)
Hulk Hogan: You!
"Oh shit, you pissed him off now, brother!" Sean exclaimed, feeling very pumped up.
"Time for Hulkamania to run wild now, jack!" Lucas said as he flexed.
(Hulk Hogan lifts up his boot and kicks the Seth Meyers lookalike right in the face before flexing his arm. The Seth Meyers lookalike is knocked out cold.)
"All right, good for Hulk!" Lucas nodded with satisfaction, "Gave that guy what's what."
"That's what happens when your stupid less-talented brother replaced Topher Grace on the 8th season of That 70's Show." Sean nodded as well, referring to Seth's brother, Josh Meyers.
Sean (Narrator): You go, Hulkster. Way to run wild all over–
(Sean gets cut off by the sight of Hulk Hogan wearing a thong.)
Sean's eyes widened in shock from the sight of Hulk Hogan wearing a thong before he starts screaming. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
(The knocked out Seth Meyers lookalike spits out his crayon before cutting to Hulk Hogan smacking his ass)
"OH, GOD! OH, JESUS!" Sean screamed while he covers his eyes. "I can't believe that I saw that!"
(Cut back to a shot of Hulk Hogan spinning around on the wrecking ball and the shot of him in a thong while laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) UGH! It's right up his crack! EWWWWWW! NOOOOOOOO!
(The camera zooms in on Hulk Hogan before the words "HOSTAMANIA" and " " are shown on the screen)
Hulk Hogan: Brother. (Smiles and laughs)
"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WITNESS?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Did I just witness Hulk Hogan impersonating Miley Cyrus riding on a wrecking ball while wearing a thong?!
"I don't know what's more scary…" Sean said.
(Cut to a photo of The Undertaker, followed by a photo of The Boogeyman. Then, a freeze frame shot of Hulk Hogan wearing a thong is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) …having The Undertaker appear in the ring with you, The Boogeyman scaring the everloving piss out of you or Shep Ramsey from Suburban Commando wearing a thong!
"I'll answer that for you everyone," Lucas said to the camera, all while taking a small pause and uttering out, "It's the one with the thong. And believe me, that's way worse than the racist rant."
(A picture of Hulk Hogan appears with his infamous "N" word rant playing on a voice clip.)
Hulk Hogan (v/o): I don't know if Brooke was f***ing the black guy's son. I mean, I don't have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, f***ing n******.
"Point taken," Sean nodded before grabbing his remote and changing the channel, "Okay, next commercial, brother."
(TV static transitions to: Pizza Hut commercial featuring Mikhail Gorbachev from 1998)
(The commercial opens with a shot of Moscow, Russia)
Sean: (Narrating) Our next commercial opens in… Moscow, Russia?!
"Oh, hell no!" Sean exclaimed as he picks up his uzi from off of the coffee table and points it at the camera.
"Not these clowns." Lucas said as he grabs his SPAS-12 shotgun.
"Yeah, Russia. You're on our turf now. You might be at war with Ukraine because of your tyrant of a president, just to let you know that the Cold War may be over, and now things are starting to heat up. Go ahead, Russia. I dare you to mess with us, Americans." Sean said.
(We see a man and his granddaughter walking down Red Square)
"Okay, I'm sure there's something up with those two. Maybe he's taking her to the KGB for her training to prepare to pose as an American to invade us." Lucas said.
(The man and his granddaughter walk past an elderly woman as she looks back at them. We then see that the old man carrying the umbrella is former Russian president Mikhail Gorbachev)
"Okay, so your commercial starts off with Mikhail Gorbachev walking down Red Square with his granddaughter. Well, this guy did bring an end to the Cold War and he's Russia's decent good president." Sean said as he puts his uzi away.
(We then see that Gorbachev and his granddaughter enter Pizza Hut)
"And Gorbachev and his granddaughter just walked into a Pizza Hut. Huh?" Lucas asked.
"Why is he in a Pizza Hut? What are you up to, Gorbachev?" Sean asked while he picks up his uzi once more.
(As he enters the Pizza Hut, a family sitting at a table eating pizza spots him and his granddaughter sitting down at a table)
Russian Father: (Sees Gorbachev and speaks in Russian) "It's Gorbachev!"
(The family sees Gorbachev giving his granddaughter a slice of pizza)
Russian Son: (Speaks in Russian) "It is Gorbachev!"
"Wow, that family in Russia is surprised to see Gorbachev getting himself some pizza. At least it's not a power-hungry tyrant like Putin." Lucas said.
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Because of him, we have economic confusion!"
Russian Son: (Speaks in Russian) "Because of him, we have opportunity!"
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Because of him, we have political instability!"
Russian Son: (Speaks in Russian) "Because of him, we have freedom!"
"Hey, hey, hey. Because of Gorbachev, him and Reagan thawed the Cold War and he was friends with him." Sean said.
"Yeah. And let's not forget glasnost and perestroika. Not the Russian cabaret club from Grand Theft Auto 4, I'm talking about "restructuring"." Lucas said.
"Gorbavhev has done a lot of good things for Russia back then." Sean said.
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Complete chaos!"
Russian Son: (Speaks in Russian) "Hope!"
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Political instability!"
Eldery Russian Woman: (Speaks in Russian) "Because of him we have many things…
"Like what?" Lucas asked.
Elderly Russian Woman: (Speaks in Russian) "...like Pizza Hut!"
(The Russian father and Russian son nod in agreement and the father stands up from out of his chair and praises Gorbachev)
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
Elderly Russian Woman: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
Everyone: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
"Hail to Gorbachev!" Sean and Lucas both chanted.
Announcer: Sometimes, nothing brings people together like a nice, hot pizza from Pizza Hut.
"Okay, I might say a bunch of things about Russia and I tend to make fun of them and how dumb they are, but this is one of the greatest commercials ever made." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you have one of the best presidents of Russian to appear in a commercial for an American fast food pizza chain. You might think that this is a bizarre collaboration at first… well, it is. But it is pretty awesome. You know that a Pizza Hut commercial is good when they make some special commercials featuring celebrities like Muhammad Ali, Dennis Rodman and…
(A clip from the Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza commercial featuring Donald Trump and Ivana Trump is shown)
Donald Trump: It's wrong, isn't it?
Ivana Trump: But it feels so right.
"With this guy. We still hate your guts." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just love how the people of Russia just praise Gorbachev?
Russian Father: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
Elderly Russian Woman: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
Everyone: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, way to praise your former president after you called him a traitor. But hey, he did promote free speech and the fall of the Berlin wall.
"Gorbachev, we love you. You're the best Russian president ever until Russia goes to hell in a handbasket because of that drunk Boris Yeltsin." Sean said.
"And you know what, I'm gonna eat a slice of pizza from Pizza Hut due to Gorbachev. Hail to Gorbachev. Hail to Gorbachev." Lucas said.
Everyone: (Speaks in Russian) "Hail to Gorbachev!"
(TV static transitions to: "NHL '94" Sega Genesis commercial from 1993)
(The commercial opens up with a camera scrolling up on a Toronto Maple Leafs goalie.)
Maple Leafs Goalie (v/o as Sean): Okay, I'm here for practice, Coach. Now what did you want me to–
(A hockey puck flies out of nowhere, clipping him right in the leg.)
Maple Leafs Goalie: (v/o as Sean) AH, SHIT!
"Well, that's very strange to see." Lucas replied, "Our first hockey-related commercial, and it opens up with a goalie getting his fucking ass kicked by flying hockey pucks."
"I bet this must've been the worst practice session for him ever." Sean nodded.
(The same commercial opening plays yet again with the same puck hitting him across the leg as well. He then gets hit by multiple flying pucks across his body and his face while at the same time the announcer speaks.)
Narrator: You use whatever it takes. Leather, lumber, steel, even the cage.
"Yeah, I bet that's worth the hospital bills he's gonna have shoved up his hole." Lucas nodded.
"No kidding," Sean nodded as well before asking to the camera, "I wonder what kind of torture-porn product this must be anyway?"
Narrator: "NHL '94" for the Sega Genesis and Super NES.
(A human hand is shown putting the NHL '94 game cartridge into the Genesis.)
"Oh hell yeah, this is the torture smut I've been searching for!" Sean smirked naughtily.
(Gameplay of NHL '94 for the Sega Genesis is shown)
Lucas: (Narrating) Now the rest of you sports and video game lovers oughta know this game right now. This piece of stone cold goodness is called "NHL '94" for the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. Not also is this considered one of the best hockey-related games there ever is, this is considered to be one of the greatest sports video games of all-time.
Sean then pulled up a clipboard containing a long list of names featuring titles of famous sports games.
"Then again, many sports games you see here on this list can apply for that title," Sean replied, "I mean, there's Tecmo Super Bowl, Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball, WWF No Mercy, NBA Jam, SSX Tricky, Mutant League Football, all the Hot Shots Golf games, all NASCAR games, all the Tony Hawk games except Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5, all Mario-related sports games, and every single title that has the word "FIFA" or "Madden" in it. The list goes on and on."
(More gameplay of NHL '94 for the Sega Genesis is shown.)
Narrator: One-timers, goalie control, and goalies out of control.
(The goalie then gets hit in the leg by a flying puck again.)
"Um, does he look like it by the looks by that commercial?" Lucas asked in front of the camera, "Because I'm certain for a fact that the only thing out of control is the pucks themselves."
Sean nodded as well before saying, "Yeah, I honestly hope this ass-beating was worth all the trouble for that paycheck he earned. Imagine how he would feel like coming home after what he went through."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean dressed up as a Maple Leafs goalie coming home looking all bruised up and bandaged from head to toe.)
Sean (as Goalie): Ohhhhh, those dumbasses lied to me. I thought I was taking place in a photo shoot, not an actual commercial where I get my ass handed to me non-stop.
(Sean/Goalie then walks over to the couch very weakly before attempting to sit down carefully on the couch. When he sits down though, he starts to lean back painfully for some reason.)
Sean/Goalie: Owwww… okay, that puck should have never ended up in my ass…
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Yeah, I don't know how on earth that could be possible." Sean shrugged.
"Indeed, my friend." Lucas nodded, "After all, with so much brutal hits like that, our friendly neighborhood EA Sports announcer simply says it best…"
Narrator: If it's in the game…
(The EA Sports logo is shown.)
Narrator: EA Sports, it's in the game.
(The goalie is seen getting hit in the chin by the puck.)
(TV static transitions to: RSPCA Shoot a Dog commercial from 1987)
(The commercial opens with a dog sitting in an empty room as an instrumental somber version of "How Much is That Doggie in the Window" is heard)
Sean: (Narrating) Awww, this looks like an adorable little commercial. And it features a loveable doggy.
(The camera slowly moves closer to the dog)
"Aw! Isn't that dog so adorable?" Lucas asked.
"I know. He's so cute like Rush from Mega Man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Awww, well aren't you the cutest little thing. The camera just loves you buddy.
"I guess they want to show how cute the dog is. They're not saying anything, and we're okay with that. I mean, come on! It's a cute dog!" Lucas asked.
"Awww! I just wanna adopt that little doggy. I'm gonna name him "Benson". Hi, Benson!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas: (Continues to speak baby-talk at the dog): Hey, Benson. Do you want to fetch the ball? Do you want a doggy treat? Yes, you do. Yes, you do!
"You're the most adorable doggy in the world, Benson. Oh, yes, you are. Oh, yes, you…." Sean said.
(As the camera moves close to the dog, a human hand holding a gun appears and aims the gun at the dog. This immediately shocks Sean and Lucas to no end as they both move backwards on the couch in total shock)
"JESUS CHRIST!" Sean yelled out.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lucas shouted.
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! PUT THAT GUN AWAY! Sean shouted.
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare, you son of a bitch!" Lucas yelled out.
"I'll turn you into swiss cheese, you bastard! GET THE GUN AWAY FROM THAT DOG!" Sean screamed out while he aimed his uzi at the camera.
Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.
(The RSPCA logo is shown, ending the PSA)
We then cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both sit back down normally on the couch, with Sean putting his uzi away while they both look at the camera with a stunned look on their faces before one of them starts talking again.
"What in the good, fluffy Christ did we just watch?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Did we just witness a hostage video from Petco? What is this insanity? Why are we seeing this?!
"What is this even for anyway?" Lucas asked.
(The RSPCA logo is shown once more)
Lucas: (Narrating) The RSPCA? What's the RSPCA?
"Let me look that up." Sean said as he picks up his Samsung Galaxy S22 Ultra phone from off of the coffee table. "Hey, Google. What is the RSPCA?"
Google Assistant: (V/O) According to Wikipedia, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is a charity operating in England and Wales that promotes animal welfare.
"Son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed as he suddenly gets angry. "England. FUCKIN' ENGLAND!"
(A clip from the "Electricity: Football" PSA is shown followed by the RSPCA commercial)
Sean: (Narraring) When you're not busy electrocuting the shit out of kids, you're busy shooting dogs in the head. YOU SICK FUCKS!
"Just listen to what the announcer says in the PSA." Lucas said.
Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.
Lucas: (Narrating) So, what's the point of this PSA? If we don't pay you, you're gonna blow Beethoven's brains out all over the wall. Is that what they're trying to do?
(A clip from Elizabethtown is shown)
Claire Colburn (Played by Kirsten Dunst): You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed.
"Yeah, what she said!" Lucas exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Feels like I'm watching the gritty version of Marley and Me directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Man, just looking at this image, feels like I'm about to witness that guy getting ready to execute the dog while Michael Corleone watches from the distance. Jesus, can you imagine something like this in the U.S.?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean's cat Riley running around the house and playing around, followed by her rubbing up against stuff and eating her cat food while happy, cheerful music plays in the background. Suddenly, the music turns dark and serious as we see Sean pointing a gun at Riley while she looks up at the camera)
Sean: (V/O) Give us the money or we'll blow this kitty's brains out.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas, who both look completely surprised by the cutaway gag that was just shown.
"Jesus Christ, broski." Lucas said.
"Yeah, that's the darkest cutaway gag that I've ever done involving my cat. Yikes." Sean said.
(Footage from the edited version of the PSA is shown, showing the dog in an empty room while adding captions for how many pounds the dog costs)
Lucas: (Narrating) But because of the negative reaction to this PSA, they did an edited version of it, which had a kid singing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window", while answering how much a dog really costs.
"Yeah, let's not forget about the funeral expenses, you sick bastards!" Lucas exclaimed.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, Britain. Can we move on to the next one, please. I'm getting sick and tired of watching PSAs on shooting dogs.
Announcer: Please give us a pound, or we'll have to pull the trigger.
"YOU SICK FUCKS!" Sean yelled out.
(TV static transitions to: Pepsi "Museum Coin" commercial featuring Kirk Cameron from 1990)
(The commercial opens with a young museum worker, played by Kirk Cameron, examining two priceless coins through a magnifying glass)
Young Museum Worker (Played by Kirk Cameron): Wow.
"Oh, son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
"Not this religious nutjob!" Lucas shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) If you're wondering why we're irritated, that's why. This is a Pepsi commercial that features Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains. Yes, this is before Saving Christmas…
"Which we're still not reviewing, so stop requesting me to review it!" Sean exclaimed.
"HEY, REVIEW SAVING CHRISTMAS!" Shouted a voice coming from outside.
Feeling agitated from that noise outside, Lucas dragged his shotgun right from under the couch and shot right at the window, therefore resulting in a "thud" sound to happen.
"Damn those right-winged Republicans…" Lucas muttered to himself.
Lucas: (Narrating) This commercial was aired during Super Bowl XXVI on January 28th, 1990 and it was the San Francisco 49ers against the Denver Broncos. Now, we could talk about the game, but we're gonna talk about this commercial and the man who we want to punch in the face.
#MikeSeaverSucks.
Young Museum Worker: Wow.
(He gets ready to take a sip from his can of Pepsi until another museum worker stops him)
Museum Worker with Glasses: Careful, those are priceless.
(The young museum worker takes a sip from his can of Pepsi until a beautiful woman with long brown hair approaches him)
Beautiful Woman: Excuse me. Change for the Pepsi machine?
Young Museum Worker: Oh, sure!
"Uh, that's not his wife Chelsea Noble. Where is she? Only he can do a commercial with her. Wait, this was before they got married in 1991." Sean said.
"She's probably doing a Clarion commercial." Lucas said.
"Oh, shit. Just be glad that we're not talking about that commercial. If we did, then we're fucked." Sean said.
"Just remember, those two met on the set of Growing Pains." Lucas said.
(The young museum worker gives the beautiful woman the priceless coins)
Beautiful Woman: Thanks.
Young Museum Worker: (While checking out the woman) Anytime.
(He touches the table and realizes that he gave the woman the valuable coins)
Young Museum Worker: Oh, no!
"That's my reaction after watching that stupid Left Behind movie." Sean said.
"Really? I think that's my initial reaction to seeing his tv show on The WB." Lucas said.
"Oh, no. Not Kirk." Sean said.
"Thank God that show lasted for two seasons because it sucked balls!" Lucas exclaimed.
"Yeah, I might talk about that show for my segment "What the Hell Were They Thinking?". That would definitely work." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And look at this, this idiot is rushing to get two rare coins just to stop a beautiful hot woman from putting them in the Pepsi machine and look at all of the artifacts that he's destroying along the way.
(The woman is standing in an elevator and she's on her way to the Pepsi machine. The museum worker spots her. He runs over to the dinosaur skeleton and climbs the ladder then jumps onto the railing)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk Cameron) Powers of God, don't fail me now!
(After jumping off of the ladder, the museum worker causes the dinosaur bones to fall apart while two other workers try to catch the bones but it completely falls apart)
"Nice job, dumbass. Those dinosaur bones are probably priceless. Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park would murder you." Lucas said.
(The woman puts the priceless coin into the Pepsi vending machine and pushes the button)
Young Museum Worker: NOOOOOOO!
"Hey, check this out. That's the exact same reaction that I make when they do a Left Behind marathon." Sean said.
"I think this is his initial reaction to her getting ready to drink Pepsi instead of Coke." Lucas said.
"Well, why would she drink Coke when this guy was the spokesperson for it?" Sean asked as a picture of Bill Cosby appears in between them.
(He tries to stop her, but it's too late as she grabs her can of Pepsi and drinks it while he leans back against the vending machine)
Beautiful Woman: (Smiles) Tastes like a million.
Young Museum Worker: Close.
"And was it worth destroying rare dinosaur skeleton in the process?" Sean asked. "Then if it is, then Blue from Jurassic World should kill you for that and I love my dinosaurs, you religious nutbag!"
"This just makes me want to switch to Coca-Cola right now but then again, Bill Cosby was the spokesperson for it." Lucas said.
"I would drink Coke unless this guy was the spokesperson for it." Sean said.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Lucas Sinclair (Played by Caleb McLaughlin): (Takes a sip from his can of New Coke) Sweeter… bolder… better.
"Okay, I petition for Caleb McLaughlin to be the new spokesperson for Coca-Cola." Sean said.
"I second that. In fact, let's have him in a Pepsi commercial." Lucas said.
"And to Mr. Cameron, screw you." Sean said while giving the middle finger.
"Hell, no wonder child celebrities like Maureen Flannigan, Keith Coogan, Kenn Michael, Brice Beckham, Christine Lakin, Josie Davis and Jeremy Licht don't like you because of your stupid opinions." Lucas said.
Beautiful Woman: (Smiles) Tastes like a million.
Young Museum Worker: Close.
(The words "It's Got What It Takes." is shown on screen followed by a clip from "CCOKC- Child Celebrities Opposing Kirk Cameron" featuring Brice Beckham from Mr. Belvedere is shown)
Brice Beckham: And Kirk… you're just a dick.
(TV static transitions to: Pepsi commercial featuring Fred Savage and Olivia Burnett from 1990)
(The commercial opens with Fred, trying to write a love letter to a girl name Jenny)
Fred (Played by Fred Savage): Dear Jenny…
"Ah, another Pepsi commercial, and this time it doesn't have Kirk Cameron in it. It has Fred Savage in it." Sean said.
"The dude from The Wonder Years?" Lucas asked.
"Yep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is another Pepsi commercial that aired during Super Bowl XXIV along with the other Pepsi commercial with Mike Seaver.
Fred: Dear Jenny… (Sighs) Dear Jenny… I don't know. You're so neat… Ugh, no!
Lucas: (Narrating) With the other Pepsi commercial dealing with Kirk the Dumbass losing two priceless coins to a beautiful woman, this one deals with Kevin Arnold trying to write a love letter to the girl that he likes. And no, that girl is not Winnie. Hell, you wish it was that cutie Winnie. It happens to be another girl.
"Writing a love letter to another girl. You should be ashamed of yourself, Kevin." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) So who is the other girl in question? That other girl happens to be a girl named Jenny, played by Olivia Burnett. (A picture of Olivia Burnett as Dorothy Jane Torkelson from The Torkelsons and Almost Home is shown) Yep, that's right. That's Dorothy Jane Torkelson from The Torkelsons in a Pepsi commercial.
"Man, that is someone's fanfiction crossover idea coming to life. Kevin Arnold and Dorothy Jane Torkelson. I bet that someone had an idea of writing it." Sean said.
"That, or maybe they're writing one where Kevin has a threesome with Winnie and Dorothy Jane Torkelson." Lucas said.
"Maybe I should write that." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) We see that he's trying to come up with what to write to her until he's inspired by the power of Pepsi to bear his feelings for her.
Fred: (V/O) I don't usually pour my heart out like this.
(Jenny and her friend squeal in joy)
Fred: I mezmerize…
Jenny (Played by Olivia Burnett): (Reads the letter) I mezmerize…
(Fred looks at his glass of Pepsi)
Jenny: "Your effervescent charm…"
"You make my heart… you make my heart… bubble! That's it. You make my heart bubble with joy." Sean said, imitating Fred.
Fred: (V/O) My passion… my passion for you will never… will never be quenched.
(Jenny smiles while her friend squeals in joy)
Fred: (V/O) I will always thirst for the exhilaration of your companionship and I will even place you on a pedestal above all others…
Jenny: …for eternity.
Fred: Love…
Jenny: Love, Fred.
Fred: …Fred.
"Yeah, girls love it when a boy pours his heart out to her in a love letter." Lucas said.
"Jesus, why haven't I thought about that before I started dating Taylor. Hell, girls could go for that crap. The best way to get into a girl's pants is with the power of Pepsi." Sean said.
Jenny's Friend: Oh, Jenny. That sounds so special.
Jenny: I feel like… a Pepsi.
"Yeah, I bet every girl feels like a Pepsi after reading a love letter to their crush. Hey, at least it's much better than the Pepsi commercial that we saw featuring Kirk Cameron." Lucas said.
"Yeah. At least Kevin Arnold can make a girl feel like a Pepsi." Sean said.
(The commercial ends with Fred looking at the camera and smiles before the words "Pepsi. The choice of a new generation." is shown)
(TV static transitions to: Burger King "Long Chicken" commercial from Germany circa)
(The commercial opens with an attractive long-haired brunette woman with an open blouse standing inside a subway while hanging onto a pole. She then looks at a guy sitting on a chair while holding a Burger King Long Chicken Sandwich suggestively in hand and smiles.)
"Hey, who's the hot chick?" Sean asked, referring to the long-haired brunette woman.
"And those pair of legs she's got?" Lucas asked as well, "I bet they're finger lickin' good."
(The woman keeps smiling at the guy while the guy pulls the wrapper on the sandwich down some and laughs)
"Hey, baby. Check out the size of my sandwich." Sean said, imitating Butt-Head while laughing like him.
(The woman unbuttons her top a bit while the guy watches. They both start laughing. Then, the woman starts dancing seductively on the pole)
"Oh, hell yeah! Now we're talkin'. Dinner and a show. Hopefully we get to see some tits. Then, we'll call it a night." Lucas said.
"Oh, I knew this is going to be the best one yet." Sean said.
(Another man sitting in a chair, who's holding a smaller chicken sandwich, turns around and sees the woman dancing on the pole. The woman stops dancing and notices the man as she covers herself up. The man turns around and notices the other man while he hides shyly and covers his chicken sandwich up)
"And then you have that one asshole who just ruins the fun for people." Lucas said.
Announcer: Wish your chicken was bigger?
"No, but I wish I saw that hot chick's tits right about now, but somebody ruined it with their small chicken." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And in case you want to know: yes, this is a commercial for Burger King advertising the Long Chicken Sandwich in Germany.
"In America, we call it the original chicken sandwich." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Why are they advertising this commercial in Germany? Is it because it comes in three new flavors?
Announcer: The Long Chicken in three new flavors: spicy cajun, bacon club or honey mustard.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, here's the thing about this commercial: the commercial was banned in Germany because it was too sexual because of the guy showing off how big his chicken is and the other guy is ashamed that he has a little chicken.
Sean starts chuckling a bit after realizing what the commercial was talking about.
"Now we know why this commercial was banned, mostly because it was talking about the size of someone's…" Lucas said.
(A clip from the "You and Your Johnson" commercial is shown)
Singer: You, your mate and your Johnson.
"Yeah, that." Lucas said.
"Boy, and you thought that Carl's Jr. commercials were this sexual, but this is ridiculous." Sean said.
"Burger King, the other burger perverts besides Carl's Jr." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Can you imagine them banning Carl's Jr. commercials because they were deemed to sexual because of hot chick in bikinis stuffing meat in their mouths. But then again, this is Germany we're talking about you. You're the ones that always have these crazy commercials of yours and your German porn that we will not mention. Because God forbid… (Shudders in disgust)
Sean: (Narrating) Does size matter? When it comes to a chicken sandwich, Burger King says yes!
(The Burger King logo is shown while somebody whistles "Have It Your Way")
(TV static transitions to: Waffle Crisp commercial from 1996)
(The commercial opens with two attractive teen girls. One girl has blonde hair and wearing a pink top and white pants and the other girl has brown hair and wearing a black jacket, a white shirt and jeans. They're standing by a tree where two boys are in a treehouse getting ready to eat Waffle Crisp until they notice them)
Brown-Haired Girl: Oh, boys. Whatcha doin'?
"Hellooooooooo, nurses!" Sean and Lucas both said at the same time.
Boy with Baseball Cap: Umm, eating Waffle Crisp.
Blonde-Haired Girl: Mmm, can we come up?
Boy with Glasses: Sure.
"Boy, these boys are interested in getting laid rather than eating their Waffle Crisp." Lucas said.
(Clips from various Waffle Crisp commercials are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) If you haven't heard of Waffle Crisp cereal, then let me tell you about it. It's a cereal that was created by Post Cereal back in 1996 and that stuff is the bomb! The commercials usually show elderly women known as "grannies" who cooked each individual piece as if it were an actual, miniature-sized waffle and in the commercials, they always show some preteen kids attempting to break into the factory to steal the secret recipe or to get a large quantity of the cereal for themselves. And I want to talk about this commercial because I remember watching this commercial on my Beetleborgs/Power Rangers: Zeo tape. It features two cute girls arriving at a treehouse while two boys are busy eating Waffle Crisp and they notice them, so they invite them up to share some of their cereal.
Brown-Haired Girl: Hey, tastes like homemade waffles.
Boy with Glasses: It's 'cause it's really made by grannies and we raided their secret factory and we saw 'em pour syrup right…
(The boy with the hat elbows the boy with glasses in his chest to shut him up)
"Yeah, go ahead and tell two beautiful girls that you want to bang about sneaking into the grannies' secret factory. Real smooth there, Casanova." Lucas said.
"It's just like me telling Taylor that I snuck into Sega Headquarters just to get my hands on Sonic Origins on the Nintendo Switch." Sean said.
(The blonde-haired girl comes across a bunch of boxes of Waffle Crisp cereal)
Blonde-Haired Girl: Wow! And this is all you have?
Boy with Baseball Cap: Yep.
(The brown-haired girl pulls out a gun and points it at the boys)
Brown-Haired Girl: (Her voice changes) That's just what I wanted to know.
(The two boy drop their bowls of cereal with a look of shock as it is revealed that the two girls are actually grannies in disguise as we see one granny removing her disguise and laughs and the two boys scream)
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe that we almost got laid by Blanche and Rose from The Golden Girls!" Sean yelled, imitating the boy with the baseball cap.
"Dude, I was expecting Aletta Ocean's fine ass, not Granny from Looney Tunes!" Lucas exclaimed, imitating the boy with the glasses.
Lucas: (Narrating) Man, how gullible are these guys? They brought two hot girls up to their treehouse and led them to their stash of Waffle Crisp cereal, only to get duped by those two grannies in disguise.
"It's like a dude disguised as Lauren Taylor from Best Friends Whenever and you think that you're about to get laid by her." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) These commercials are hilarious to watch and the cereal is so damn good as well. It's a shame that they don't make it anymore. (Cut to a picture of a box of Eggo cereal) I mean, all we have is Eggo cereal, but it's just not the same! Give me the cereal that the grannies are known to make, not Eleven's favorite food to eat.
"They need to bring this cereal back. I don't care if I have to write a letter to Mayor Aftab Pureval to have them bring this cereal back or for me to have a threesome with pornstars Gizelle Blanco and Jazmin Luv, just bring back this cereal. Hell, I'll even punch out Donald Trump or slap that bitch Amber Heard in the face just for them to bring this cereal back." Sean said.
Then all of a sudden, Lucas starts to read something on his phone when he taps Sean on his shoulder just to get his attention.
"Sean, maybe you should take a look at this." Lucas said as he shows Sean an article on his phone, which makes Sean look at the camera with a big smile on his face.
"WHOOO! WAFFLE CRISP IS BACK, BITCHES! WHOOO!" Sean screamed out.
Lucas: (Narrating) That's right, my friends. Waffle Crisp is back and it's here to stay after disappearing from stores back in 2018. So, better grab that bowl and spoon.
"Man, that is the best news ever. And you know what, I'm gonna buy two or three boxes of the cereal, because that's how much I miss it. If they ever do another commercial for Waffle Crisp, they better bring back the grannies. They're the ones responsible for the cereal.
Grannie #1: (V/O) Post Waffle Crisp Cereal.
Grannie #2: (V/O) Part of a complete breakfast.
Boy with Glasses: Women.
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): You can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts.
(TV static transitions to: Trumpy Bear commercial from 2017)
(The commercial opens in the woods and we see a text on the screen that reads "The wind whispered… through the forest")
Announcer: The wind whispered… through the forest. A storm is coming…
"What kind of storm?" Lucas shrugged, "I didn't hear any kind of storm happening today. It's sunny outside as it is."
Announcer: …you can not defeat the storm. From the trees… rose a resounding voice.
"I'm kinda confused. What am I really watching here? Some sort of Time-Life commercial or some crappy-ass F-list movie trailer?" Sean shrugged as well.
(The image of a bear pops up through the woods.)
Narrator: I fear nothing. I come when the Trumpet sounds. I am the storm. The great American grizzly…
"A great American grizzly, huh?" Lucas raised his eyebrow, "I'm interested."
"So what's this commercial gonna be all about then?" Sean said with a quick shrug, "Yogi Bear? Smokey The Bear? Chicago Bears? We Bare Bears? The Bad News Bears? C'mon, just show me already."
(The Trumpy Bear is shown)
Announcer: Introducing, the original Trumpy Bear. The fearless, super plush, American Grizzly. Trumpy Bear was born June 14th, Flag Day!
Sean and Lucas are immediately silent watching this. The silence immediately lasts for a good several seconds before Sean brings out an entire bottle of Coors Light to chug down this throat. He then takes his glasses off and polishes them before placing it back on his face and calms himself.
"Ladies and gentleman…" Sean muttered out before screaming out in an anger-filled rage, "THIS FUCKING EXISTS!"
Sean (Narrating): *frustrated* Yes, what you're seeing is a REAL actual commercial for a product that is based on our former vomitbag of an ex-president, Donald Trump! It's called… Trumpy Bear.
Lucas (Narrating): I for one am at a loss for words, ladies and gentleman. Me and Sean both.
Announcer: Just find the secret zipper and pull out the flag blanket and then wrap yourself in the red, white and blue for comforting warmth. Show your patriotism and proudly display Trumpy on Flag Day and on any American holiday.
"Oh sure, I'll show my patriotism all right." Lucas nodded before spatting out to the camera angrily, "How about I'll take Trumpy Bear and have my dogs eat it for f***ing Christmas dinner? Now that's what a REAL American would do!"
Announcer: Trumpy can even honor your own family heroes.
(A woman is seen holding Trumpy Bear)
Woman: God bless America and God bless Trumpy Bear.
"Yeah, I wouldn't even let Trumpy Bear honor any of my own family heroes. I won't even sit him in my house." Sean said.
(Trumpy Bear is seen on a motorcycle)
Announcer: Trumpy Bear sits proudly in front of the motorcycle for all the world to see and loves to cruise with his brother.
(We see 8th Engineer Marine Support Battalion member Michael Rufino shown holding Trumpy Bear)
Michael Rufino: I'm a former Marine and I'm proud to have Trumpy Bear ride by my side. Once a Marine, always a Marine.
"Are you sure, dude?" Lucas raised his eyebrow before a picture of John Cena appeared aside him and Sean, "Because I'm certain this is a Marine."
(We cut to a man driving in a golf cart with Trumpy Bear sitting in the back)
Announcer: Everyone knows Trumpy Bear loves to go to the golf course.
Man: When I ride with Trumpy Bear, he makes my golf game great again. Thank you, Trumpy Bear.
"Yeah, if I take Trumpy Bear out to the golf course, he's gonna get a beating from me and I will use my 9 iron on him like Casey Jones." Sean said.
Announcer: Simply style his trademark hair and place him in his favorite chair. Even the toughest guys will love Trumpy Bear.
Businessman: When America's great, business is great. When business is great, I am great. I love you, Trumpy Bear.
(The camera zooms in on Trumpy Bear wearing a MAGA hat)
"Are you… SERIOUSLY?!" Sean screamed out. "You have a black guy supporting Trump and he has Trumpy Bear sitting in his office wearing a MAGA hat. I'm… I'm… I'm livid right now and that's fifty shades of pissed off!"
"Look what you did, Trumpy Bear. You just pissed off the wrong man." Lucas said.
Corporal Frank Warholic: I am an army veteran. I am proud to own the Trumpy Bear and I will always be proud to be an American.
"YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO US ALL FOR BEING AN ARMY VETERAN AND OWNING THE TRUMPY BEAR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Sean screamed out.
Announcer: Order the super-plush Trumpy Bear for only two payments of $19.95 and receive a special Certificate of Authenticity. Don't miss out on owning a piece of American history. Order now for only two payments of $19.95. Trumpy, the most fearless bear anywhere. Order now.
(A clip of "Step By Step" plays featuring Frank Lambert.)
Frank Lambert (played by Patrick Duffy): I want to die.
"Yeah. What he just said." Lucas said.
"I can't believe it. This is what people owned. Hell, there aren't any people who support Trump but this is just stupid and it angers me. And you know what, if I want to take out my anger, I ordered a Trumpy Bear." Sean said as he picks up the Trumpy Bear and sits it on the table.
"What are you gonna do with that?" Lucas asked.
"I have something much better." Sean said, with a devilish grin on his face.
(The scene then cuts to Sean's backyard, where we see Trumpy Bear sitting on a tree stump as Sean steps outside with a flamethrower attached to his back while Lucas films it)
"Hey, Trumpy Bear. YOU'RE FIRED!" Sean yelled out.
The young critic laughs evilly as he fires his flamethrower to set Trumpy Bear on fire before Lucas sits the camera down on the table so him and Sean could close out today's special.
"That is all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm his good buddy, Lucas." Lucas said.
"We'll see you guys next time. And remember: when there's a nostalgic commercial that needs to be talked about, we'll be there to talk about it, or just simply rip it a new one." Sean said.
"Agreed." Lucas nodded over to Sean, "So me and Sean say to you: Have a great summer and don't forget to–"
(A clip of Hulk Hogan wearing a thong on top of a wrecking ball is shown yet again.)
"OH, GOD!" Sean screamed.
"DEAR LORD, TURN IT OFF!" Lucas screamed as well, all while covering his eyes.
Hearing this, Sean immediately grabbed the remote and turned the camera off entirely, ending the episode.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- EA Sports, it's in the game.
Well, talk about a long damn hiatus huh? Hard to believe this took an entire month to finish, huh? Imagine that. Oh well, as long as the wait was worth it for all of you fans. If anyone wants to know, we'll just say we took a bit of a summer vacation ourselves, although we would like it if we had some extra help next time. It is what it is, though. But anyway, now that our break is over and finally done with, I finally get back to my hosting duties as usual. For the first Mayhem Critic of the mid-summer, it's Christmas in July as yours truly takes a look at the 1992 gem, Batman Returns! Did it recreate the magic that was delivered by the original 1989 blockbuster or did it end up like a hairball splattered out in Catwoman's litterbox? Then after the review of Batman Returns, I will be reviewing the 1986 classic Top Gun to see how well it holds up. Anyway, feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to help us out on any reviews, feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.