The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It it I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's July and you know what that means? IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY! And today, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be reviewing the 1992 film Batman Returns, the sequel to the 1989 box-office hit Batman. It's the perfect Christmas movie to be reviewing in July. It's a film that pissed off parents about how dark the movie was. Is it an underrated gem that recreates the magic that was delivered by the 1989 blockbuster or does it deserve to be hated? Well, let's sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Batman Returns is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.
Episode 150
Batman Returns
(The review starts with the traditional Mayhem Critic intro before we open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch wearing a Christmas baseball cap on his head, a Christmas shirt with Yoda on it with the words "An elf I am not." printed on it, a pair of shorts and some white Adidas sneakers)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And you're not mistaken, yes, I am wearing my Christmas stuff because… IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY!" Sean cheered out as he jumps from out of his seat in joy and starts playing the song "Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Sean: (Sings) Well, it's Christmas time again.
Decorations are all hung by the fire.
"Sean. It's too early for Christmas. It's the middle of July. It's bad enough that I've got to deal with your mother watching Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel." Taylor said.
"God, you'll never let me have any fun." Sean said before he walks back over to the couch to sit down. "Anyway, since it's Christmas in July, I'd figure that it's time to review the perfect Christmas movie. A Christmas movie filled with warmth and holiday joy. The kind of Christmas movie that you want to treasure, to throw your arms around and hug."
(A montage of clips is shown of Batman Returns, showing some of its violent scenes featuring the Penguin biting Josh's nose, Catwoman screaming in a greenhouse, causing the glass to shatter, Penguin firing his machine gun disguised as an umbrella, Selina Kyle pushed out of a window and falls to her death and an explosion)
"Looks like I've found that perfect Christmas movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The title screen for "Batman Returns" is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie while the song "Face to Face" by Siouxsie and the Banshees plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 19th 1992, Batman Returns was the sequel to Tim Burton's 1989 blockbuster Batman. People were excited to see the film and when they saw the movie, their response was…
(A clip from a Converse commercial featuring Millie Bobby Brown is shown with Millie mouthing the word "What?" before cutting back to the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. People didn't know what to make of this film. Because of it's PG-13 rating and how dark and brooding and violent it was, parents were furious. Hell, there was a McDonald's Happy Meal toy line that was marketed to kids that they immediately pulled it….
(Pictures of toys from the following violent movies like Terminator, RoboCop and Aliens are shown)
"Yeah, that didn't stop toy companies from marketing violent movies to kids." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, take a look at this clip from A Closer Look, where they went as far as to get USA Today's junior movie critic to talk about this movie.
(A clip from A Closer Look is shown)
Danny Slaski: It was very violent. It was a total attack against kids. The whole movie, everything that kids love is being used against them./It's just not fair to kids. Um, the Penguin always had goop coming out of his mouth. Um, Catwoman took her claws and played tic-tac-toe on a man's face. It was just so violent for kids and with all the McDonald's toys, it's making it sound like it is for kids and it's not.
"What a whiny little bitch. I watched Batman and Batman Returns when I was like four or five years old and I never complained about the movie. I've kept my mouth shut because I loved that movie. And again, have you ever seen the first film? Nobody ever complained how dark and violent it was? Oh, sure. You say that Terminator 2 is alright for kids and yet Batman Returns gets a bad rep as well as the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? "It's just not fair to kids." Shut the fuck up!" Sean exclaimed.
(Cut back to the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Back to the film, let's give a little history about it. After the success of the first film, Warner Bros. planned for a sequel, but Tim Burton originally did not want to direct another film in the franchise. So, he decided to direct the movie Edward Scissorhands. However, Warner Bros. tempted him back, this time with him having complete control. Burton brought in Heathers screenwriter Daniel Waters to write the script. So, the question today is this: is it an underrated gem that recreates the magic that was delivered by the 1989 blockbuster or does it deserve to be nice giant cat turd in Catwoman's litterbox?
"Well, let's not waste anytime. This is Batman Returns." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a prologue on Gotham City socialites Tucker and Esther Cobblepot becoming the parents of a deformed baby boy named Oswald. Their mansion is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with a shot of the Cobblepot's mansion as we see that Mr. Cobblepot awaiting the birth of his baby boy and his wife gives birth to an abomination.
(From outside a door, a loud screaming is heard, followed by a baby crying)
(A clip from The Hunchback of Notre Dame is shown)
Claude Frollo (Voiced by Tony Jay): A monster!
(We then see the baby, Oswald, locked in a cage as a playpen while a cat sits nearby)
Sean: (Narrating) And with the baby being an abomination, they lock him up in a cage and…
(Oswald reaches out of the cage and grabs the cat)
"Goddamn it. I knew we shouldn't have gotten him near Mr. Bigglesworth." Sean said, in a snooty voice.
(We see that Tucker and Esther Cobblepot are both played by Paul Reubens and Diane Salinger)
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, that's Paul Reubens and Diane Salinger from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure as Mr. and Mrs. Cobblepot. Well, there you have it, folks. Your Pee-Wee/Simone fanfic.
"Hell, you have people writing Harringrove fanfics for Stranger Things. Yes, that's real." Sean said. "Hell, an Eleven/Max or a Nancy/Robin lesbian fanfic sounds hot to write right about now. I should get started on that right now."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they take their son on a lovely stroll through the park to enjoy the wintery majesty. And when the nights are peaceful and serene, they can cuddle up and do their Christmas dreaming…
(The Cobblepots drop Baby Oswald off a bridge over a river while Oswald is still in his baby buggy)
Sean: (Narrating) …or drop his hideous ass off a bridge.
"Well, there goes your Christmas greeting card." Sean said.
(The freeze frame image of the baby buggy falling into the river is shown while the song "This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway plays in the background. The following words are also displayed, in which Sean reads…)
Sean: (V/O) Merry Christmas from Tim Burton. Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
(Then, a clip from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is shown featuring Pee-Wee Herman laughing)
"Fun fact: Burgess Meredith, the actor who played the Penguin in the 1960s Adam West Batman TV show, was originally asked to play the Penguin's father, but he declined due to his health problems, which culminated with his death in 1997." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, they do what every rational parent would do. Murder their fucking baby. We're two and a half minutes into this movie and Tim Burton wanted babies to drown on-screen. So, after that setup out of the way for the Penguin, we get our opening credits and we're treated to some of Danny Elfman's amazing music score.
(The theme music composed by Danny Elfman plays through the opening credits)
"Man, just listening to Danny Elfman's music score never gets old. I can imagine Batman walking down the streets of Gotham and beating the shit out of people or driving recklessly through the streets of Gotham just to get his Diet Coke." Sean said, referring to the Diet Coke commercial.
(Cut to the Diet Coke commercial where Batman is driving through the streets of Gotham)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) DIET COOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we see that the baby floats through the sewers and ends up at the hands of some penguins that are living in the sewers for some odd reason.
"Just go with it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to 33 years later in Gotham City, where it's Christmastime and they're bringing joy to the masses and we see that the city is having their massive lighting of the tree complimented by a smokin' hot Christmas-themed beauty queen and model of Gotham City. Everyone is happy to be celebrating the holiday season, except for one Scrooge who will be attending this glorious event. And that man in question is business mogul Max Schreck, played by Christopher Walken. Another fun fact: the character is named after the actor who played Nosferatu.
"And remember in my review of A View to Kill when I said that Christopher Walken brings out like 90% or 100% Walken to his performance as Max Zorin? Well, he brings out like 110% Walken to his performance." Sean said.
(Various clips featuring Christopher Walken as Max Schreck is shown)
Max Schreck (Played by Christopher Walken): That's not growth, this is a mild swelling./I can hand out more than just expensive baubles./Bruce, shame on you./Selina…/You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Schreck?/Unlimited poontang./Bottom line,she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is what he does best. This is Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken. And can we talk about that hair? My God! How can you not break out in laughter from seeing Christopher Walken's hair? It looks like he has old-timey judge hair. Hell, my girlfriend said that he looks like a woman with that hair.
Max Schreck: Yawn.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, he proposes to build a power plant to supply Gotham with…
(Cut to a clip from Home Improvement)
Audience: More power!
"Wait, wrong clip. Here, let me play the right one." Sean said, playing the appropriate clip for the scene.
(A clip from A View to a Kill is shown)
Max Zorin (Played by Christopher Walken): More power.
Sean: (Narrating) But this movie's version of Mayor Hamilton Hill, played by Michael Murphy, opposes the idea.
The Mayor (Played by Michael Murphy): Max, all our studies show us that we've got enough power to get us into the middle of the next century.
Max Schreck: Your analysts are talking growth of one percent per annum. That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.
"It's like a mild swelling in my head. Probably from that car crash that I was in and I was in a coma and I got psychic powers. It's phenomenal!" Sean said, imitating Christopher Walken.
Sean: (Narrating) But Schreck's dorky secretary Selina Kyle, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, has a suggestion that she wants to share.
Selina Kyle (Played by Michelle Pfeiffer): Well… actually, really just more like a q-question.
Max Schreck: Hm. I'm afraid we haven't properly housebroken Ms. Kyle. In the plus column, though she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.
(A clip from Young Frankenstein is shown)
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Played by Gene Wilder): You filthy, rotten, yellow son of a bitch!
(We cut back to the movie as we then see Max's son Chip entering the room)
Chip Schreck (Played by Andrew Bryniarski): Dad, Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down and bring joy to the masses.
"Oh, my God. Was that guy doing a blatant impersonation of Christopher Walken?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we did. We just witnessed another actor acting like Christopher Walken. This is Max's son Chip, played by Andrew Bryniarsky.
"Who you might recognize from this little gem of a movie that I reviewed." Sean said.
(A clip from the movie Street Fighter is shown)
Zangief (Played by Andrew Bryniarski): Quick! Change the channel!
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know why he's in the movie. I guess Tim Burton wanted someone who could act like Christopher Walken. Anyway, Schreck heads down to the lighting ceremony to deliver his speech, but Selina forgot to give him his speech, so he just wings it.
Max Schreck: Santa Claus? Afraid not. I'm just a poor schmo, got lucky. And sue me if I wanna give some back. I only wish I could hand out more than just expensive baubles. I wish I could hand out world peace and unconditional love… wrapped in a big bow.
(A giant box wrapped up in red wrapping paper and a big green ribbon on top appears rolling onto the streets of Gotham)
"Well, he went all out, didn't he? He is this city's Santa Claus." Sean said.
(Max and the Mayor notice the giant present out on the streets)
The Mayor: Great idea.
Max Schreck: Not mine.
(The ribbon opens up and out springs the Red Triangle Gang out to wreck some havoc while circus music plays in the background throughout the scene)
"What the…? These clowns?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it ain't a Tim Burton movie without him adding some clowns in it. Anyway, the Red Triangle Gang is up to no good and since the GCPD couldn't handle a bunch of circus freaks, there's only one person to do the job.
(A picture of Millie Bobby Brown as Eleven is shown)
"You wish. I mean, the other person who's right for the job to beat up on clowns." Sean said.
(We cut to Wayne Manor as the bat-signal appears in the sky above it and reflected by a couple of strategically-placed reflectors into the library, where Bruce Wayn sits, but then looks up when the light shines down on him. He stands up and the bat-signal is projected behind him)
"Okay, as awesome as this shot is of Bruce Wayne just sitting in his mansion fully in the dark, waiting by his window for that signal to appear in the sky and as soon as he sees the signal light up, he springs into action. I do have just one question: how the hell does he have that set up that complex mirror system on the roof with no one noticing? I mean, if a pizza boy drops by Wayne Manor, then he's screwed! Imagine something like that happening." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Begins)
(We see Sean, playing Bruce Wayne, standing by the front door while Oliver, playing the pizza boy, delivers his pizza)
Oliver: (as the Pizza Boy) Okay, Mr. Wayne. The total is $12.98 for a large pepperoni pizza.
Sean: (as Bruce Wayne) $12.98 for a pizza? Okay, sure.
Oliver: Also, did you know that you have some kind of complex mirror system on top of your roof?
Sean: What mirror system?
Oliver: The one that's shining the bat-signal through your library window.
Sean: I don't know what you're talking about. (Gives him a $20 and grabs the pizza box) Here, keep the change.
(Sean immediately closes the door in front of Oliver)
Oliver: What a strange man.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
The Organ Grinder (Played by Vincent Schiavelli): We want the big guy, the guy who runs the show.
(The Mayor bravely steps forward)
The Mayor: What do you want?
The Organ Grinder: Not you.
(The Mayor gets knocked out by a clown henchman)
"We want the "More Cowbell"-guy, not the dude who played the bad guy in Cloak & Dagger." Sean said, imitating the Organ Grinder while a picture of Michael Murphy as the character Dr. Rice in the 1984 movie Cloak & Dagger is shown.
(Chip bravely steps forward)
Chip Schreck: You'll have to go through me.
(The henchmen point their weapons at Chip and say "Ooh!")
Max Schreck: Chip.
Chip Schreck: Dad, go. Save yourself. Dad, go!
"Yeah, let him continue his impersonation of you while he's wielding a chainsaw while playing as Leatherface." Sean said.
(We then cut to Batman arriving at the scene in his Batmobile, running into a bunch of thugs)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives and he's here to kick all sorts of ass and take the time to murder the fuck out of someone.
(Batman turns the Batmobile around and creates a plume of fire from the tailpipes, which sets a thug on fire)
"Oh, and the body count rises. Trust me, this ain't the last time that this Batman will kill. We'll see him kill one more person in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Selina gets held hostage by a clown, played by Branscombe Richmond, and Batman confronts him to save the damsel in distress.
Terrifying Clown #1 (Played by Branscombe Richmond): You take on step closer, Mr. Manbat, and I'll… (Threatens Selina with a taser)
(Batman pulls out his Batgrapple and shoots it at the wall, missing the clown)
Terrifying Clown #1: (Chuckles) You missed.
(Batman yanks the grappling hook, which is attached to a piece of wall, and knocks the clown out, saving Selina's life)
(A clip from Mortal Kombat 11 plays)
Spawn (Voiced by Keith David): I fucking hate clowns.
Selina Kyle: Wow. The Batman. Or is it just Batman?
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Never compare me to Pattinson, bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Max wanders through a dark alley. And I see that Gotham has faces on the wall, and he falls through a trapdoor. He ends up getting caught and taken to an abandoned zoo. Boy, take a look at that wonderful imagery. Yeah, trademark Tim Burton. He comes across the Red Triangle Gang, some Penguins and…
(The Penguin reveals himself)
The Penguin (Played by Danny DeVito): Hi. (Feeds some fish to the penguins)
(Max sees the Penguin and gasps in shock)
The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is… "AHHHHHHHH!"
"Okay, so let me bring up the majority of one of the film's problems: the Penguin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They made him look like an absolute monster. In the animated series and in the Arkham games and even in Matt Reeves' The Batman, I see him as a mob boss. Here, it's different and unique and his backstory is pretty bizarre. The movie wants us to feel some sympathy for him because of his past. The good thing about this character is the makeup effects. They were created by the late Stan Winston, who you probably recognize his work from films like the Terminator film series, the first two Predator films, The Thing, Aliens, the first three Jurassic Park films and Iron Man. He's done a great job on this movie and I also love Danny DeVito's performance in this one, he's doing his Burgess Meredith Penguin voice and he does a fantastic job pulling off being a scary villain and a sympathetic one. We'll talk more about the Penguin later, but for right now, he tells Schreck that he wants to return to the surface to a high society standard with Max's help.
The Penguin: I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from… (Points up at the ceiling) Like you. And like you, I want some respect, 'a recognition of my basic humanity', but most of all… I wanna find out who I am by finding my parents learning my human name, simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted.
"Yeah, it's like taking a disgusting villain like Dr. Martin Brenner from Stranger Things, and we're supposed to feel sorry for him." Sean said as a picture of Dr. Brenner is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Penguin blackmails Schreck about his shady corporate crimes and even giving him his old partner's hand. Yeah, looking forward to that McDonald's happy meal toy line. So, he agrees to help him out so he won't blab about his crimes. We then cut to the home of Selina Kyle, where we see her having a pretty pathetic life and she heads back into the office, where she comes across pretty incriminating files involving the proposed power plant.
Selina Kyle: Um, this is all very interesting, though a bit on the technical side. Um, I mean about how the power plant is a power plant in name only. And since, in fact, it's gonna be a big giant, um, a big giant, uh, c-capacitor? Ah, and that, uh, i-instead of generating power it'll sort of be sucking power from, um, Gotham City. In storing it, sort of, stockpiling it which is a very, um, novel approach, I'd say.
Max Schreck: And who would you say this to?
Selina Kyle: Um… nobody.
"Oh, you know what that means? It means that he's gonna have to shut you up." Sean said.
Selina Kyle: Okay. Go ahead. Intimidate me. Bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me.
Max Schreck: Actually, it's a lot like that.
(A clip from Raising Arizona is shown)
Edwina "Ed" McDunnough (Played by Holly Hunter): YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Schreck moves closer towards Selina and backs away)
Max Schreck: Huh?
Selina Kyle: What? What? (Laughs)
Max Schreck: Huh?
(Max and Selina both start laughing)
"Or not. Hey, at least they're both sharing a good laugh and he'll just let her walk out of the office and forget that she ever saw any…" Sean said.
(Schreck turns to leave, then abruptly turns back and pushes Selina so hard, that she goes out the window, shattering the glass and she starts to fall)
"JESUS CHRISTO!" Sean shouted in Spanish as he recoils back in shock.
(Selina fall through a couple of smiling cat awnings before hitting the ground to her death)
"Yeah, that dark moment deserves a Millie Bobby Brown OMG reaction gif." Sean said as a gif of Millie Bobby Brown's OMG reaction from the Converse Back to School commercial is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) And here's a scene that's really bizarre when I watched it as a kid and looking back at it now, it's still bizarre. When we see a bunch of cats hovering over her dead body and biting her fingers just to bring her back to life. Yeah. like that's possible that you could get resurrected by cats after your friggin' boss tried to kill you. And to top it all off, this messed up scene where Selina has a mental breakdown when she returns home after hearing the name of her murderer on her answering machine.
(Selina screams and throws the carton of milk at the phone and grabs the answering machine, slamming it down repeatedly and throwing it while knocking everything down)
Sean: (Narrating) I know that I'm supposed to feel bad for her, but this is too hilarious. Pfeiffer does a perfect job at hamming it up to a ten on this scene. And I thought the Nostalgia Critic's nervous breakdown from reviewing the movie Food Fight was hammy.
"If Sean Young got the part as Catwoman, then the hamminess meter would be off the charts." Sean said.
(Selina grabs a cast iron skillet and starts smashing the walls and breaking stuff with it)
Sean: (V/O as Selina) Eat your heart out, Racheal Leigh Cook! Nobody could smash stuff better than me!
(Selina takes out a black leather raincoat and turns it into a cat-like suit. From outside the apartment, a bunch of alley cats watch as she puts on her catsuit, becoming Catwoman. She stands against a neon-lit sign in her room which reads "HELL HERE")
Catwoman: I don't know about you, Ms. Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like that, Catwoman is born. And the Penguin's plan comes to fruition when he stages the rescue of the Mayor's infant son by sending one of his goons to kidnap his baby.
Acrobatic Clown (Played by Gregory Scott Cummins): (After grabbing the Mayor's baby) I'm not really one for speeches so I'll just say thanks.
"Wow, a Tim Burton movie where a baby gets kidnapped by a clown. What's next? Killer clowns stalking children?" Sean asked.
(The acrobatic clown takes the baby into the sewer and the crowd of reporters gather around while the baby cries)
Acrobatic Clown: No! No! It's the hideous Penguin Man! Here. Take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please.
(The acrobatic clown gives the baby to the Penguin)
"Wow, talk about some convincing acting right there. Who gave you some acting lessons, Kevin Costner?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So the Penguin rises up in his, and I'm not joking, Duckymobile, with the Mayor's baby and he appears on television while Bruce watches.
Penguin: (On TV) All I want in return, is a chance to find my mom and dad. A chance to find out who they are. And thusly, who I am. And then… with my parents, try to understand why… why they did what I guess they felt they had to do… to a child who was born… a little different. A child who spent his first Christmas… and many since… in a sewer.
Alfred (Played by Michael Gough): Mr. Wayne, something wrong?
"Damn it, Alfred. I'm trying to watch the news here. Don't interrupt me while I'm busy watching the important stuff on TV." Sean said, imitating Bruce Wayne.
Bruce Wayne (Played by Michael Keaton): Ah… his parents.
Reporter: (On TV) Again, this scene directly from Gotham Plaza…
Bruce Wayne: I hope he finds them.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce is touched by the Penguin's story, but he does some investigating on him. In the meantime, we see that the Penguin is at the Hall of Records to find out his past, but he's really there to look up all of Gotham's firstborn sons. Meanwhile, Bruce is doing some investigating on the Penguin by looking up articles involving the Red Triangle Circus. Also, here's something that I learned from this movie, vichyssoise is supposed to be cold.
(Bruce eats his soup and then spits it out)
Bruce Wayne: It's cold.
Alfred: It's vichyssoise, sir.
(Bruce looks at Alfred with a shocked expression on his face)
Alfred: It's supposed to be cold.
"For those of you who haven't heard of vichyssoise, it's a thick soup made of boiled and pureed leeks, onions, potatoes, cream and chicken stock. It is traditionally served cold, but it can be eaten hot." Sean said. "Why couldn't Alfred serve it to him hot? What kind of butler are you?"
Alfred: It's supposed to be cold.
"But you can serve it hot." Sean said.
Alfred: It's supposed to be cold.
"But you could at least serve it to him hot. Nobody wants to eat hot soup." Sean said.
Alfred: It's supposed to be…
"Oh, shut up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce makes a discovery after reading about several children turning up missing by the Red Triangle circus and that the Penguin might be involved. Speaking of the Penguin, Batman drives around in his Batmobile to see Penguin in the Hall of Records trying to find his parents. In which he does, Penguin finds his parents. Sadly, they are freed from this mortal coil. And now, he goes by his birth name, Oswald Cobblepot. And he continues to win the world over and people are now talking about him. In the meantime, a woman is about to get mugged by a mugger, played by stuntman Henry Kingi.
"Jeez, that two stuntmen that I've recognized in this movie. I've recognized Henry Kingi in a bunch of movies that he's done. He's always playing the goon with a gun. Is there any stuntman that I've haven't recognized in this movie?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Anthony De Longis as the Terrifying Clown is shown and the caption reads "Anthony De Longis")
"Oh, cool. It's the voice of Zygon from Starchaser: The Legend of Orin. I did not know that he was in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before the mugger has his way on the woman, Catwoman shows up and she plays a game of tic-tac-toe on his face.
Catwoman: (Scratches the man's face with her claws) Tic, tac, toe! (Punches the mugger in the face and knocks him out)
"I bet kids would love to see that in a Batman movie. Don't worry, they won't be traumatized by it." Sean said.
Female Victim (Played by Joan Giammarco): Thanks, I…
Catwoman: (Covers the woman's mouth) You make it so easy, don't you? Always waiting for some Batman to save you.
"Uh, that's easy for you to say. A couple of scenes ago, Batman saved you from Branscombe the Clown. And yet, he didn't save you from being pushed out of a building." Sean said.
Catwoman: I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
"Isn't that what Sean Young said for her audition?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Bruce has a meeting with Schreck, to talk about his proposed power plant idea.
Max Schreck: I'm pushing this power plant now because it'll cost more later. A million saved is a million earned.
Bruce Wayne: I commissioned this report. I thought you might wanna take a look at it. (Throws the report over to Max) The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is… what's your angle?
Max Schreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power.
(A clip from Superman: The Animated Series is shown)
Lex Luthor (Voiced by Clancy Brown): No one man should have that much power.
Bruce Wayne: I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye…
Max Schreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you could go 15 rounds with Muhammad Schreck?
Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we'll gonna out.
"I'm sure he won't float like a butterfly and sting like a bee." Sean said, imitating Bruce once more.
Bruce Wayne: Of course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so…
Max Schreck: Crime boss? Show us what you know Mr. To-the-manor-born with-a-silver-spoon.
Sean breaks down in laughter from Walken's performance. "Oh God, I think Walken stepped up his Walken-ness to a 115%. Let's hope it doesn't reach to 200%."
Sean: (Narrating) But before Bruce could go 15 rounds with Schreck after mentioning to him that Cobblepot is a criminal, Selina shows up and Schreck is stunned to see that the woman that he pushed out of a window is still alive.
Max Schreck: Selina. Selina, Selina.
Selina Kyle: That's my name, Maximillions. Don't wear it out, or I'll make you buy me a new one.
"You know, for a woman who's been pushed out of a window and suffered a breakdown, she sure does shows up to her boss' office. Now, that's good work ethics right there. I'm sure she'll kill him later on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Schreck introduces Bruce to Selina and I just love this moment right here because Bruce has clearly seen her before when he was Batman and he saved her from that clown goon. Hell, he even manages to slip up a bit and says that he remembers her
Bruce Wayne: Yeah. We've met.
Selina Kyle: Have we?
Bruce Wayne: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what, I mistook me for somebody else. Sorry.
Selina Kyle: You mean mistook me.
"I'm sorry, I thought I saw you in a different movie. Maybe it was Grease 2." Sean said.
Bruce Wayne: (Notices the bandage on Selina's head) What happened?
Max Schreck: Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?
Selina Kyle: You know, it's… a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg. He's dead now.
"Sheesh, lady. That was a bit dark." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Selina shows Bruce out and we get more of Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken.
Max Schreck: Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip. Except your late mother. Who'd have thought Selina had a brain to damage? Bottom line… if she tries to blackmail me I'll drop her out a higher window.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory is shown)
Dr. Greg Pemberton (Played by Sean Astin): You son of a bitch!
(Dr. Pemberton throws a drink in Dr. Campbell's face)
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of fish, Schreck has a little surprise for Penguin and he shows up with a fish for him to eat… and also a genius idea to have him run for mayor. In the middle of December, though. And I love this little call back to the 1960's Batman show where Penguin runs for Mayor of Gotham City. He introduces him to two image consultants named Jen and Josh, played by Jan Hooks and Steve Witting, who I swear he looks like Ted Wheeler from Stranger Things after he divorced Karen Wheeler. (A picture of Ted Wheeler from Stranger Things is shown next to a photo of Josh)
Josh (Played by Steve Witting): Here, proclaim your birthright.
(Josh sticks a cigarette in Penguin's mouth, but Penguin spits it out)
Jen (Played by Jan Hooks): I'm Jen. Hi. Okay, let's see. Uh, what I'd like to do first is put these little glove thingies on you. Our research tells us that voters like fingers, so if we want to just lose this…
(Penguin keeps the fish in his hands)
Jen: Well… no? We'll do it another time, then. Okey-doke?
"Yeah, way to make fun of a guy who's been living in the sewers in his life. You people are a bunch of dicks." Sean said.
Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh? (Laughs)
(Penguin, Jen and Max start laughing as well)
Penguin: Still… could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (Laughs)
Jen: (Laughs) Ooh!
Josh: (Stops laughing) Your nose could be… what do you mean by that?
(Penguin yells and bites Josh on the nose, causing blood to spurt out)
"Ooh! OOH!" Sean winces. "Yikes! Parents, are your kids traumatized yet? Are they traumatized yet? We can traumatize them some more. In fact, here's an ad for Kenner."
(The image of Penguin biting Josh on the nose is shown as the Kenner toys logo and a couple of Batman Returns action figures are shown superimposed, while "Jingle Bells" plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer while reading some accompanying text) Merry Christmas from Kenner.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Ted Wheeler (Played by Joe Crest): Remind me, when do they become reasonable human beings again?
Sean: (Narrating) After biting Josh on the nose, Penguin talks to Max as Schreck has a plan for Penguin to become mayor by getting the mayor recalled by causing some havoc around Gotham and some of the perks of becoming mayor.
Max Schreck: Imagine. As a matter, you'll have the ear of the media, access to captains of industry. Unlimited poontang.
Sean then spits out his Coca-Cola that he was drinking from his whiskey glass. "I'm sorry, what did he just say?"
Max Schreck: Unlimited poontang.
"Those are the words that I do not want to hear coming out of Christopher Walken's mouth. Plus, that's something that flew over my head when I was a kid." Sean said. "I mean, can you imagine Christopher Walken saying that line in his movies?"
(A clip from The Dead Zone is shown)
(Johnny smashes the vase with his cane)
Johnny Smith: (His dialogue is replaced by Max Schreck's line) Unlimited poontang.
(A clip from True Romance is shown)
Vincenzo Coccotti: (His dialogue is replaced by Max's line) Unlimited poontang.
(Fires his gun at Clifford's corpse)
(A clip from Nick of Time is shown)
(Gene bumps into Mr. Smith, who's still alive after he shot him in the face)
Gene Watson (Played by Johnny Depp): I killed you.
Mr. Smith: (His dialogue is replaced by Max's line) Unlimited poontang.
"Oh, great. I'll never watch my favorite John Badham movie the same way ever again after hearing him say that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Penguin agrees to be mayor of Gotham, and the circus is in town once more when the Red Triangle Gang starts wrecking some shit by sending a little poodle out with a grenade to blow up a building. Yeah, they start terrorizing the city but then Batman shows up to kick some ass and to show off one of his new gadgets.
(Some of Penguin's goons line up, including a blonde woman with a poodle, get ready to attack Batman. Batman pulls out his Batarang to have it set to attack the thugs. He throws it as the Batarang homes in on the thugs and attack them. But before it can attack the lady thug, her poodle leaps up and catches it in its mouth)
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that it won't be important later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Catwoman does a little chaos of her own as well when she enters Schreck's department store to have a little fun. And props to Michelle Pfieffer. She learned how to use a whip and she did all of those stunts herself.
(Catwoman whips off the heads off four of the mannequins)
"Take a look at this behind the scenes video where she whipped the heads off of those four mannequins. The crew members were impressed that they applauded her." Sean said.
(Footage of Michelle Pfieffer whipping the heads off of the mannequins and the crew members applauding her is shown)
"Man, that is amazingly outstanding. She did that all in one take. This woman owned the role." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 2019, she found her old whip and showed it off. Yeah, for a woman in her sixties, she still got the moves. Check it out.
(Footage of Michelle Pfieffer finding her whip from Batman Returns is shown)
Michelle Pfieffer: Look what I found. (Holds up her whip and smiles) Needs a little TLC.
(The video then cuts to Pfieffer cracking the whip a few times just as Catwoman did before cutting back to Sean, who looks on in amazement)
"I love you." Sean said, in his impersonation of Butt-Head before laughing like him.
(Catwoman jumps around with her whip as two security guards come across her while she's busy smashing some stuff with her whip)
Security Guard #1 (Played by Frank DiElsi): Who is she?
Security Guard #2 (Played by Biff Yeager): What is she? I don't know whether to open fire or fall in love.
(They both chuckle before pulling out their guns)
Catwoman: You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
(Catwoman whips the guns out of the guards' hands)
Security Guard #1: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than 300.
Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road.
(Catwoman cracks her whip once more, causing the guards to run away)
"Okay, I'm turned on a little. Is it supposed to be turning me on? Because I'm hard as hell right about now. Either that or I just composed a dirty Stranger Things one-shot where Mike has a threesome with Eleven and Max and he watches Eleven lezzing it up with Max. Or it's just seeing Cara Buono as Karen Wheeler in a swimsuit in Stranger Things 3 and they made her look like a smokin' hot milf. Either one of those things." Sean said.
(Batman walks around the corner and punches a member of the Red Triangle Gang)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Get the fuck out of my way, Wilhelm.
(Batman tosses the thug and the Wilhelm Scream is heard. He then comes across a big, hulking goon who just punches him in the stomach)
Tattooed Strongman (Played by Rick Zumwalt): Yeah. Go ahead and hit me.
(Batman punches the strongman, but the strongman is unphased but he then looks down and sees the dynamite in his pants. Batman then smiles at the man)
"And that's why I love Michael Keaton's Batman so goddamn much, because he is the only Batman who can smile while he looks menacing." Sean said.
(Batman punches the strongman down into hole and walks away as the guy explodes)
"Oh, don't worry. He's not dead, kids. Batman didn't kill him. He's just looking like a cartoon character covered in smoke and char. And he's not splattered all over the pavement and his limbs are all over… uh… yeah, that dude is dead. Boy, Batman. You can be violent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman comes across the Penguin and I just love that little confrontation between the two of them. The Bat meets the Bird and they have a few words with each other and I absolutely love the cinematography of the scene.
Penguin: Things change.
Batman: What do you want?
Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask. (Laughs) You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
Sean: (Narrating) But their little confrontation is interrupted when Catwoman decides to join in on the action.
Catwoman: Meow.
(Schreck's department store explodes behind her)
"Wow, talk about one hell of an entrance." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Penguin gets away on his flying umbrella while Batman goes after Catwoman and the two of them have themselves a little fight.
(Batman and Catwoman fight as Batman dodges her attacks. She gets into a fighting stance as Batman makes a shocked expression on his face)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Oh, shit! I thought I was fighting Sean Young!
(Catwoman hits Batman in the face. Batman continues to dodge and block Catwoman's attacks until he punches her so hard, she falls to the ground)
Catwoman: (Breathing heavily) How could you? I'm a woman.
Batman: I'm sorry. I-I…
(Catwoman kicks Batman in the stomach after he bought her act)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Oh, you goddamn stray!
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Catwoman fight some more until Batman saves her from falling to her death. Then, she repays him by giving him a bat-boner.
(Catwoman runs her hand down Batman's stomach)
Catwoman: No. That's not you. There you are.
"Looks like Batman is getting a little turned on by women dressed in leather. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a deep voice.
(Catwoman jabs Batman in the stomach, but he knocks her down onto a cat litter truck.)
Sean: (Narrating) Catwoman gets away and Batman heads back to the Batcave to see the little gift that she left for him.
(Batman pulls out one of Catwoman's claws from the puncture wound on his stomach. He picks up the phone to call Alfred)
Batman: Alfred… bring me some antiseptic ointment, would you?
Alfred: (On the phone) Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
Batman: No. Not really.
Sean: (V/O as Alfred) Then don't call me again unless you're in pain, you stubborn little sh…
(Batman hangs up the phone)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Penguin is announcing his candidacy for mayor. And he does this in the most creepiest way possible when some attractive hot blonde thinks he's the coolest role model and he does this.
Penguin: (To the blonde) Hmm… here. Wear a button. Ahh. Let me just… get it on there. (He struggles to put the button on. He makes a grunting noise as he succeeds as he gets the button on her)
"Eww. I think I'm disturbed from seeing the Penguin copping a feel on that hot blonde's tits. So disturbing." Sean said as he makes a disgusted look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Catwoman visits the Penguin and…
(Penguin sees Catwoman sexily curled up on the bed)
Penguin: Just the pussy I've been lookin' for.
Right when Sean starts drinking his Coca-Cola, he almost spits it out, but he manages to swallow his drink after hearing that line.
"Sorry about that. I thought that I was about this close to spitting out my drink. Jesus Christ, dude! And I thought that one line would disturb me more than enough." Sean said.
Max Schreck: Unlimited poontang.
We cut back to Sean as we see that he manages to do a spit take. "GODDAMN IT!"
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the Penguin trying to be a pervert by getting himself a little pussy…
"Oh, I cannot believe that I just said that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …Catwoman proposes a plan to bring down Batman. So, she teams up with the Penguin and he has a little plan of his own involving the Batmobile.
Penguin: We'll disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
(We see the blueprint of the Batmobile on the wall)
"Okay, where the hell did the Penguin manage to get a blueprint of the Batmobile? That's what I want to know. I'm sure that all of us would like to know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Catwoman gets a little hungry and she puts a bird in her mouth. Fun fact: Michelle Pfieffer actually put a live bird in her mouth. How crazy is that? But after the Penguin threatens her cat, which looks like my cat Riley, she spits the bird out. Meanwhile, Bruce bumps into Selina and they start talking and he sees that there's something troubling her.
Bruce Wayne: You alright?
Selina Kyle: Hmm? Mm-hmm.
Bruce Wayne: You look like maybe you have the holiday blues or something.
Selina Kyle: No. Boy, the news these days. Weird.
(Bruce notices a newspaper article involving Batman, with the headline that reads "Batman Blows It" and other newspapers involving Catwoman)
Selina Kyle: I heard on TV that Catwoman is thought to weigh 140 pounds. (Scoffs) I don't know how these hacks sleep at night.
Bruce Wayne: It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it?" He probably saved millions of dollars in property damage alone.
"Hey, it's just like reading an article that says "Eleven Blows It". She probably saved the town of Hawkins from Vecna." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce takes a liking to Selina and he invites her over to his mansion so they can watch the relighting of the Christmas tree on TV, well, for an early dinner and she accepts his invitation. Later, we see that the Ice Princess, played by Cristi Conaway respectively, is getting ready for the tree lighting ceremony, until the Penguin and the dog lady shows up with a little gift for her. And you remember that batarang that the little poodle caught? Well, that's where it comes in.
Ice Princess (Played by Cristi Conaway): What is that thing, a camera or something?
Penguin: (Grabs the batarang from out of the poodle's mouth) Say cheese.
Ice Princess: Cheese.
(Penguin throws the batarang at the Ice Princess to knock her out)
"Yeah, it's for them to frame Batman. You might think that he killed her with a throw like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Selina have a nice little chat by the fireplace and they talk about past relationships.
Selina Kyle: Any girlfriend?
Bruce Wayne: Sure. Oh, you mean, uh, as in serious? Uh, no. Had one. Didn't work.
Selina Kyle: What went wrong?
"She dumped me for Alec Baldwin." Sean said, imitating Bruce.
Sean: (Narrating) You know what I love about the scene? I love that the fact that he brought up Vicki Vale from the first film and how he told her about his two sides. But enough about her, Bruce is about to get some action.
(Selina kisses Bruce and the two of them start making out passionately while sexy porno music plays)
"Looks like somebody is about to get the Vitamin D. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a deep voice.
Sean: (Narrating) So the two of them start making out, with Selina running her hands up to Bruce stomach and touching the injury that she gave him while Bruce moves her sleeve down to see the burn that he gave her, but the two of them can't do that because it would expose their identity. But they're soon interrupted by a news report on the Ice Princess being kidnapped. So when Bruce gets ready to leave, he has to come up with an excuse because that worked so well the last time.
(A clip from Batman is shown)
Bruce Wayne: I'm just gonna go out of town on business for a few days.
Vicki Vale (Played by Kim Basinger): You lied to me about leaving town!
(Cut back to Batman Returns)
Bruce Wayne: Listen, here's what I want you to do. Tell Selina, you know… Ms. Kyle in there… tell her, tell her I had to go out of town. Tell her, there's a big business deal came up or s… No. You know what? Tell her… let her know that, not in some kind of dumb "be my girlfriend" kind of way–
Alfred: I will relay the message.
Bruce Wayne: Great.
"That's the last time that I have to come up with an excuse for you to tell your girlfriends, Master Bruce." Sean said, imitating Alfred.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they both take off and they suit up. Batman arrives to park his Batmobile and covers it up with the shields and he leaves until the Penguin's goons show up to sabotage the Batmobile.
"And you want to know who I just realized when by buddy Lucas told and me and I did not know that. You see that…" Sean said.
(Cut to the woman who turns off the Batmobile's shields and the arrow is pointing at her)
Sean: (Narrating) …woman turning off the shields on the Batmobile? That's Erika Andersch.
"Who you all might recognize her as Diamond from American Gladiators." Sean said.
(A picture of Diamond from American Gladiators is shown while the theme music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) So while the Red Triangle Gang tinker with the Batmobile, Batman sees the Ice Princess and he goes to rescue her, until Catwoman shows up to starts some stuff with him.
Catwoman: I haven't been fed all day.
(She kicks Batman but he manages to block it)
Batman: Eat floor. (Throws Catwoman to the floor) High fiber.
"Okay, did Schumacher take over this movie? Batman just made a bad pun." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman Forever is shown)
Alfred: May I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman (Played by Val Kilmer): I'll get drive-thru.
"Oh, God." Sean said as he makes a facepalm.
Sean: (Narrating) Catwoman takes the Ice Princess away, but she lets her go. But the Penguin, shows up to frame Batman to make it look like he pushed the Ice Princess with bats and she falls to her death)
(The Ice Princess falls off a building and dies when she hits a plunger that releases a swarm of bats from the tree. The image freezes and we see the words "Happy Holidays from McDonalds")
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Happy holidays from McDonalds!
(As the Penguin leaves, two police officers arrive on the roof with Commissioner Gordon)
Sean: (V/O as Cop #1) Hey, Frank! Batman's got a gun!
Brian: (V/O as Cop #2): Let's shoot his ass, Al!
Commissioner Gordon (Played by Pat Hingle): Hold your fi…
(The two police officers shoot at Batman as he falls off the roof)
Commissioner Gordon: Hold your fire!
Sean: (Narrating) Batman gets shot at by the cops and falls onto a balcony and Catwoman straddles his lap. Oh, God. This is The Killing Joke all over again.
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed and to die for.
(Batman looks at the decorated antenna and Catwoman notices the mistletoe hanging on it)
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: Mmm, but a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
(Catwoman licks his face vertically from chin to nose)
"Mmm, you taste like Meow Mix." Sean said while smacking his lips.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman glides away Arkham Knight style while Penguin and Catwoman celebrate their victory by framing Batman. He wants to get a little freaky with her, but she tells him that she's not interested in a little action with a freak.
Penguin: You lousy minx! I ought to have you spayed. You sent out all the signals. And I don't think I like you anymore.
(The Penguin wraps an umbrella-themed propeller around Catwoman's neck. She's struggles to get it off of her while she flies off. We then see that she manages to break free and falls through a roof of a greenhouse and lands in a flowerbed. She then gets up and screams loudly, causing the glass to break)
"DAMN, GIRL! I don't know who's more of a screamer, either her or Eleven from Stranger Things." Sean said.
(Cut back to the scene where Catwoman screams loudly, causing the glass in the greenhouse to shatter. The next clip that we see is from Stranger Things, where we see Eleven screams loudly, causing the glass to shatter in Hopper's cabin)
(A clip from World's Dumbest Drivers is shown)
Frank Stallone: I've been known to make women scream, baby! But (beep).
Sean: (Narrating) Batman head back to his Batmobile just as the cops get ready to arrest him for murder… or they can just chase him down into a construction site and shoot at him with machine guns… (The scene from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays) Batman is in for the ride of his life when the Penguin takes control of the Batmobile via remote control.
(Penguin takes control of the Batmobile, causing Batman to drive out of control)
Penguin: Maybe this is a bad time to mention this but my license is expired.
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Oh, shit. Maybe it's a bad time to get my Diet Co… GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, COPPER!
(The Batmobile his a cop car, causing it to fly into a building, we then see the police cars following behind him)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Oh, great. Why is it that the cops come after me when I'm driving when there are real criminals causing all that damage… Oh, God! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
(Batman accidentally crashes through some cars in his path)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) SORRY! MY BAD! THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! OH, I'M SURE YOU'RE INSURED! I HOPE THAT CAR'S NOT NEW! SORRY, CRAZY TAXI GUY!
(Penguin is playing around in his Batmobile control seat before cutting to the exterior shot of the campaign van rocking)
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure it doesn't look like something that he's doing in there. I just hope that nobody goes near it." Sean said.
(We see a shot of the van rocking in slow motion, while a sound clip from Seinfeld plays)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): That van's a rockin'.
(A clip from Seinfeld plays)
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't go a knockin'.
Sean: (Narrating) But Batman manage to find the device from underneath the Batmobile and regains control and turns his Batmobile into a Bat-dildo to escape. The next day, Penguin continues his candidacy to run for mayor and makes a speech while Bruce and Alfred watch it on television. Oh, yeah. You think that Bruce haven't forgotten what Alfred did in the last movie?
Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the batcave? I'm sitting there working, and I turn around, there she is. "Oh, hi, Vick. Come on in."
"Well, you see… you know the truth was bound to come out sooner or later. I mean, it's not every day that a millionaire vanishes out of a window." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Penguin gets ready to make a speech, but Bruce jams the frequency and plays the audio recording of The Penguin from the previous night.
Penguin: (On tape) Hey, just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham. (Laughing)/You gotta admit, I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell.
(We cut to Bruce record scratching the CD to play back the audio)
"Okay, DJ Batman is in the house!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The citizens of Gotham turn on Penguin and so does Max. And the people start bringing lettuce and tomatoes to throw at him. Seriously, who brings lettuce and tomatoes to a speech? What is this, a cartoon? But luckily, he uses his umbrella machine gun and he escapes back to his hideout. Well, there goes the mayor subplot for the story. Anyway, he continues his original plan and you'll see why he made the list.
Penguin: Ah, it's time. These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate awaits for them. Tonight, while their parents party they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds, and we will snatch them, carry them into the sewer and toss them into a deep, dark, watery grave!
Fat Clown (Played by Travis McKenna): Uh, Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children… isn't that a little, uh…
(Penguin gets mad and shoots the fat clown with his umbrella gun)
Penguin: No! It's a lot!
(Penguin kicks the fat clown's corpse into the water)
(A clip from The Batman is shown)
Penguin (Played by Colin Farrell): Whoa! Take it easy, sweetheart!
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the batcave, Bruce gets an invite to Schreck's max-querade ball. And yes, that's what it's really called and I should've came up with that pun.
Alfred: May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
Bruce Wayne: (While repairing the Batmobile) Not interested.
(Alfred tears up the invite)
Bruce Wayne: Although, Selina Kyle might be there.
Sean: (V/O as Alfred) I'm drinking your last can of Diet Coke for that one.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bruce arrives at the party in just a tux and not wearing a mask, until Max spots him and he goes all Ed Glosser on him.
Max Schreck: Let me guess. Trust fund goody-goody.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown, featuring the "Ed Glosser, Trivial Psychic: Limited Usefulness" sketch)
Ed Glosser (Played by Christopher Walken): At lunch, you're gonna treat yourself to a vanilla ice cream and you're gonna eat it too fast. You're gonna get a ice cream headache. It's gonna hurt real bad.
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well you almost made a monster of the mayor of Gotham City.
Max Schreck: I am the light of this city and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's mayor?
Bruce Wayne: It does to me.
Max Schreck: Yawn.
Sean: (V/O as Schreck) Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to tell tonight's performance that I gotta have more cowbell.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce sees Selina at the party and they share a dance. I just love Michelle Pfieffer's performance in this movie. She knocks it right out of the park with scenes like this. You see her go from crying to laughter. Also, when Bruce sees her holding a gun and that she's planning on killing Max, he talks her out of it and he tells her about justice. Also, I would just like to point this out.
Bruce Wayne: Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had a… pretty big deal come… through… fall through actually.
"Bruce made a joke about a woman falling to her death. Okay, you gotta have a sick sense of humor to laugh about that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce and Selina figure out each other's secret identities, but before they go outside to talk, the Penguin arrives to crash the party and reveal his plan and to kidnap Schreck's son Chip, but Schreck pleads with Penguin to take him instead.
Max Schreck: Not Chip, if you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
Penguin: Uh, I, I don't, so no.
Max Schreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself, isn't it Max Schreck who manipulated and betrayed you? Isn't it Max, not Chip who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
"I'd buy that for a dollar!" Sean exclaimed while imitating Bixby Snyder from RoboCop.
Sean: (Narrating) So Penguin kidnaps Schreck while continues his plan to kidnap the babies in a brightly-colored train. But Batman foils that plan. Yeah, why was that even in the movie? So, with that pointless plan out of the way, it's time to move onto Plan B.
Penguin: Thanks to Batman… the time has come to punish all God's children. First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high!/THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!
"Oh, my God. Okay, so his plan is to blow up Gotham with an army of Penguins with rockets attached to them. Oh, man! This movie got weird. But it'll be funny just to see Batman punch a penguin in it's beak." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives in his Batskiboat. (A picture of the Batskiboat toy from Kenner is shown) Buy it now, kids! As exciting as it was to see him in the Batwing in the first film, I get hyped seeing him in a Batskiboat. Anyway, he jams the penguins' signal to turn them around. Well, there goes that plan. So, Penguin's goons just up and leave while Penguin tries to retreat in his Duckymobile…
"I can't even say that without laughing." Sean smiles.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman crashes his Batskiboat into Penguin's Duckymobile and the two of them start to duke it out.
(Penguin tries to strangle Batman with his umbrella)
Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.
(Batman throws Penguin off of him)
Penguin: But what it all comes down to is who's holding the umbrella?
(Penguin retracts a blade from the tip of his umbrella while Batman pulls out the detonator from his utility belt. Penguin sees this and we get a shot of the detonator and a shot of Batman's eyes in the shadows)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Look at my eyes. I want this to be the last thing you see before you die.
Sean: (Narrating) Penguin's penguin army arrive and when Penguin tries to kill Batman, Penguin pushes the button, which causes the penguins to fire off the rockets and blow shit up all while bat come out of Batman's Batskiboat and attack Penguin, causing him to fall through a skylight and into the water.
"Boy, there's a lot of people falling in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While everything is blowing up, Max manages to escape from his cage but is confronted by Catwoman and she's out for blood until Batman swoops in to stop her from killing him.
Max Schreck: You're not just saving a life, you're saving…
(Batman puts his hand on Max's face and pushes him out of the way)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Out of my way, bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Batman talks Catwoman out of killing Max because it's not right.
Batman: Let's just take him to the police. Then we can go home… together. Selina… don't you see? We're the same. We're the same. Split right down the center.
(Bruce removes his Batman mask, you can see that the eye paint disappears right before the mask is removed)
"Oh, oh, oh! You done goofed up, movie. He's not even wearing his eye makeup. And I know that people who watched this movie noticed this and when I watched it as a kid, I noticed that too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce removes his mask to talk her out of it, but Selina scratches him in the face because she's not into happy endings, unlike Max, who has a few words to say.
Max Schreck: Selina. Selina Kyle. You're fired. And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron.
Max Schreck: Was.
(Max pulls out a gun and shoots Bruce)
"Goddamn it, I'm getting sick and tired of getting shot at." Sean said, imitating Bruce.
Sean: (Narrating) Max literally fires Selina by shooting her four times, but she's still standing and right when he goes for the kill, he's all out of bullets, so she gives him a little Christmas kiss by whipping out a taser from before and combining it with the electricity behind him with an electrical kiss, resulting in…
(We see Schreck's open-mouthed crispy corpse)
Max Schreck: (V/O) Unlimited poontang.
"Oh, there's an image that'll fit for a Hallmark card." Sean said.
(We cut to an image of Shreck's fried corpse on a Hallmark card with a caption that reads "Merry Christmas from Hallmark" while the song "Let It Snow" by Boyz II Men and Brian McKnight plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Merry Christmas from Hallmark. What were we thinking?
Sean: (Narrating) Penguin pop out from out of the water with black blood coming out of his mouth like Billy Hargrove getting killed by the Mind Flayer in Stranger Things.
"Boy, I've been referencing Stranger Things in this review too much." Sean said.
(Bruce turns and sees Penguin as he pulls out a cute umbrella)
Penguin: Oh… shit. I picked a cute one. The heat's getting to me. (Gagging) I'll murder you momentarily. (Gagging) But first… I need a cool drink of ice water.
(Penguin falls to the floor and dies)
Sean: (Narrating) And we come to this scene where the penguins come out and they give him a little funeral march with their flippers and they send him in the water. Uh, is this supposed to be a warm moment, or should I be disturbed by this? Hell, it's not helping when Danny Elfman's music plays throughout this scene. It's beautiful and all but do you want me to feel sorry for him after all of the things that he's done? Yes, I can feel bad for him wanting to belong to society. But when he plots to kidnap little kids and kill them, I cannot feel bad for him. (Cut to various clips featuring Dr. Martin Brenner from Stranger Things) Take for example: Dr. Martin Brenner from Stranger Things. We know all of the bad things he's done and and what he's done to Eleven. And in the end you want us to feel sorry for him later on in the series. Don't worry, I won't spoil it. Anyway, let's wrap this up, while driving around the streets of Gotham, Bruce sees a shadow in the alleyway, thinking that he sees Selina, but its only her cat and he picks it up and takes the cat home with him.
Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. (While holding Selina's cat) Good will toward men. And women.
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends on a bittersweet note as we see the Bat-signal in the sky and Catwoman staring up at it. Fun fact: this was actually a last-minute addition and it was originally set up for a Catwoman spin-off movie. I would love to see that instead of… (A poster of the 2004 Catwoman movie is shown) Oh, God.
"Anyway, that was Batman Returns. It has it's flaws, but I still happen to enjoy it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This was just Tim Burton having complete control of the movie, just doing whatever he wants. The film is so dark and brooding and I just love that it was dark. It has some flaws that centered around the Penguin that it wants us to feel sympathetic for him. Plus, that whole plan of him killing kids went nowhere. What I love about this movie is that there are certain aspects from the film that were used in the animated Batman universe. In Batman: The Animated Series, you have an episode where Penguin wanted to belong to society after he recently reformed himself but he ends up being used. There was also an episode where the Penguin commandeers the Batmobile.
(Cut to a poster of Mask of the Phantasm, followed by clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) And there's also Mask of the Phantasm, which came out a year later. You have Batman framed for a crime that he didn't commit and losing the one you love to vengeance. And also, the signal at the end. Hell, they didn't even mention Batman's name cleared in these movies. Oh, well. The acting is good, I absolutely love Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman in the film and she brings a deadly and seductive charm to her character and I love the makeup effects for The Penguin. Let's not forget about Christopher Walken's character in the movie. I feel that he's the main villain in the movie instead of the Penguin. Why couldn't they make him the villain in the movie? With all that said, Batman Returns is an underrated sequel that needs more love. Coming in at 4 penguins with rockets out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm about to fix myself a nice, hot bowl of vichyssoise." Sean said.
Alfred: It's supposed to be cold.
"Shut up, Alfred! But then again, I can eat some cold soup on a hot day like this. See you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Unlimited poontang.
And there you go, my friends. Another review finished. So, that's three Batman movies down, and yes, I will be reviewing Batman Forever later on. And also The Dark Knight trilogy as well because I plan on reviewing them. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean is feeling the need… THE NEED FOR SPEED, as he takes a look at the 1986 Tony Scott classic Top Gun, a film that made Tom Cruise a legend and he sees how well the film holds up after thirty-six years. After that review of Top Gun, Sean starts a new segment called "Bizarropiece Theater" and he takes a look at the 1991 horror-comedy Nothing But Trouble. Make sure you review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.