The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, you're in for a real treat because this is a movie that I've been wanting to review. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1986 classic Top Gun, a film that made Tom Cruise a legend. With a film as awesome as Top Gun, I'm sure that this movie would still hold up and if it's still worth a watch or should it make a pit stop on the highway to the danger zone. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to it's respective sources. Top Gun is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Episode 151
Top Gun
(The Mayhem Critic intro begins)
After the intro ends, the review opens with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in on the couch in his living room as we see him wearing a black bomber jacket, a gray t-shirt, denim blue jeans and his white Adidas sneakers and to complete the wardrobe ensemble, he's sporting a pair of aviators on his face.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about Tom Cruise."
(Images and footage of Tom Cruise and his films are shown as Sean speaks and the song "Mighty Wings" by Cheap Trick plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Tom Cruise? I mean, what isn't there that's said about Tom Cruise? He was a big star back in the 80s and 90s and he's still a big star today, making him Hollywood's highest-grossing box office stars of all time. With films like The Outsiders, Risky Business, Mission: Impossible and Rain Man, Tom was on top of the world. And then you see his name in the headlines. He married Nicole Kidman, he also married Katie Holmes and you'll see him on The Oprah Winfrey Show jumping up and down on her couch and he publicly declared his love for her, he got involved in Scientology from his first wife Mimi Rogers and he's batshit crazy. In a good way, because he performs his own stunts in movies. That dude has balls.
"And he's the right guy who could fly a fighter jet." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Top Gun" is shown, followed by clips from the movie are shown while the song "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, before you all go ape shit on me, let me just clarify that I love this movie. It's one of my favorite movies of all time and it holds up pretty well. This is the movie that made Tom Cruise a star before this movie came out and he was already a big star with the movie Risky Business back in 1983. Inspired by an article titled "Top Guns" written by Ehud Yonay and published in California magazine three years earlier, the movie was produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer, who were known for producing the films Flashdance, Thief of Hearts and their biggest hit Beverly Hills Cop. It was also written by Jim Cash and Jack Epps, Jr., who both wrote the screenplays for the movies Legal Eagles and The Secret of My Success and the film was directed by the late Tony Scott, who's known for directing the erotic horror film The Hunger as well as other films like Days of Thunder, The Last Boy Scout, Beverly Hills Cop II, Crimson Tide, Revenge and my personal favorite True Romance. This is the movie that made Tom Cruise a legend. I was like eight years old when I watched Top Gun on television and it was easily one of the most awesome movies that I've ever seen. Heck, my mom's not a big fan of the movie because somebody kept watching the movie over and over again. Don't worry, it's not me. There's so much testosterone-fueled, baddass awesomeness to talk about this movie, so let's jump right in.
"Let's get ready to feel the need… THE NEED FOR SPEED! This is Top Gun." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Paramount Pictures logo is shown while the "Top Gun Anthem" by Harold Faltermeyer plays in the background)
"And immediately, I am in love with this movie's soundtrack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I just love everything about the opening credits. We get some great shots of F-14 Tomcats on deck and getting ready to fly up in the air, but what makes this opening great is the music score. Composer Harold Faltermeyer, who just came off from composing the music score for Beverly Hills Cop, composed the music for this movie. He was sent the script for the movie by Bruckheimer before filming began. Yeah, you know with Faltermeyer composing the music for this movie, you know that the music score is going to be awesome. Hell, the Top Gun Anthem is the 80s version of "America… FUCK, YEAH!". So after the opening credits, we get…
(We see the F-14s launching off the USS Enterprise while the song "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins plays in the background)
"Okay, when I tell you that I love this movie's soundtrack, I really love it. Because immediately I got hard from hearing the first song." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we get our first song in the movie, which is "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins and tell me you don't get pumped up from hearing that song and that guitar riff in the song and you want to jam to it.
We cut to Sean as he imitates the guitar riff to the song Danger Zone.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, played by Tom Cruise, and his good buddy LTJG Nick "Goose" Bradshaw, played by Anthony Edwards, spotting an unknown plane, along with LT. Bill "Cougar" Cortell, played by John Stockwell, and LTJG Sam "Merlin" Wells, played by Tim Robbins.
Maverick (Played by Tom Cruise): Cougar, I'm gonna go head-to-head with him.
Cougar (Played by John Stockwell): Take it easy, Maverick. I don't like this shit. I'm gonna break high and right, see if he's really alone.
(We then see two MiG-28s flying in the air and Maverick spots them)
Maverick: Holy shit, there's two of them.
(The MiGs fly right past Maverick and Goose)
Goose (Played by Anthony Edwards): MiG-28s. No one's been this close before.
"Okay, those two MiGs are actually portrayed by Northrop F-5s. In case you want to know that MiGs are fictional aircraft in movies and television and also in video games too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They go after the MiGs, but one of them gets on Cougar's tail and Maverick manages to scare him off with a missile lock while the other MiG locks onto Cougar.
Merlin (Played by Tim Robbins): Cougar, he's tot missile lock on us. Get away from this guy.
Cougar: What the hell is this shit? He's engaging me. Goddamn it, Mustang. This is Ghost Rider, one, one, seven, this bogey's all over me. He's got missile lock on me. Do I have permission to fire?
We then cut back to Sean, as we see him dressed as Ghost Rider.
"Did you call me? I'll make these MiGs feel the pain, the injustice, the burning. I'll make them burn. All I ever wanted was to drive in a motorcycle stunt show and see my name Johnny Blaze in lights." Sean said, imitating Richard Grieco's Ghost Rider from Fantastic Four.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick sees that Cougar is in trouble, so he rushes in to save him with one of his flying skills.
(Maverick messes with the other MiG and flies upside down)
Goose: Is this your idea of fun, Mav?
(The MG pilot looks up and sees Maverick)
Maverick: (Flips off the pilot) Greetings. (Laughs)
Goose: (Takes a photo of the pilot with his camera) Watch the birdie.
Sean: (V/O as MiG Pilot) You know what. Screw you, guys. I'm going home.
Maverick: Jeez, I crack myself up.
Sean: (Narrating) After the MiG leaves, Maverick and Goose head back to refuel after running low on fuel, but Cougar starts to freak out after having a MiG locking onto him. So, he struggles to land the plane. Maverick lands but he ends up disobeying a direct order and he heads back to help out Cougar.
Merlin: Mav, we got a little problem up here. That MiG really screwed him up. I don't think he can make it back.
Maverick: You're okay, Cougar. Just stay on my wing, I'll take you all the way in. Just stay with me.
(Cougar looks at the photo of his wife and newborn baby)
Maverick: Easy, Cougar. Just a walk in the park, buddy. You're a little low. You're a little low, Coug. Come on, buddy, pull up. Pull up, Cougar. That's it. Almost there.
"Yeah, just make sure you land perfectly on the aircraft carrier. So try not to crash. Trust me, I know. I've seen the Angry Video Game Nerd trying to land on the aircraft carrier and yet he sucks balls." Sean said, referring to the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the Top Gun video game on the NES.
(Cougar has a bit of trouble trying to land)
Sean: (V/O as Cougar) Okay. Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right. Oh, God! I'm not gonna make it!
Merlin: We're too low, Cougar. We're too low, Cougar. Increase power. Some more power! Higher! Higher! Higher, damn it!
(A clip from the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of Top Gun the video game is shown)
AVGN: Up, up. I'm hitting up!
(The Nerd fails to land the plane and crashes into the ocean)
AVGN: ASS! FUCK!
"Okay, okay, okay. That did not happen but admit it you wish that it actually happened. Don't deny it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cougar manages to land safely and he goes to see Stinger, played by James Tolkan, to tell him that he doesn't have what it takes to take a highway to the danger zone.
Cougar: My wife and kid, sir. I almost orphaned him today, and I've never even seen him. I don't know what happened up there, but I was so scared.
Stinger (Played by James Tolkan): Come on, we've seen this before.
"Look, I know that you've had yourself a flashback to getting chased by a demonic car, I mean, we've all had that feeling." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cougar turns in his wings and quits and Stinger talks to Maverick and Goose and he's not impressed with their little stunt.
Stinger: Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. You've been busted. You lost your qualifications as section leader three times. Put in hack twice by me. With a history of high-speed passes over five air-control towers and one admiral's daughter.
Goose: (To Maverick) Penny Benjamin?
Stinger: And you, asshole. You're lucky to be here.
Goose: Thank you, sir.
Stinger: And lets not bullshit, Maverick, your family name ain't the best in the Navy.
"Why even bother, Maverick? You don't have a chance. You're too much like your father." Sean said, imitating Stinger.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of Cougar quitting and Merlin placed in hack, someone has to take their place, so Stinger sends Maverick and Goose to TOPGUN. We then cut to Miramar, California as Maverick heads to TOPGUN and tell me that you haven't played back the scene where Maverick is riding his motorcycle and sees the F-14 getting ready for takeoff while "Danger Zone" plays? Because I sure did, because it is awesome and it's fitting for this scene. After that bit of awesomeness, we're introduced to one of TOPGUN's finest instructors, Rick "Jester" Heatherly played by Michael Ironside, who's telling them the history of TOPGUN.
Jester (Played by Michael Ironside): Now Top Gun was created to teach A.C.M. Air Combat Maneuvering. Dogfighting.
Wolfman (Played by Barry Tubb): (To Hollywood) This gives me a hard-on.
Jester: By the end of Vietnam, that ratio was back up to 12-to-1.
Hollywood (Played by Whip Hubley): Don't tease me.
"Okay, there's something that I got to bring up about this movie, is it's homosexual overtones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) There are fan theories about this about what it's really about. Hell, one famous theory about the movie came from director Quentin Tarantino in the movie Sleep With Me, where he says that the movie is about a man's struggle with his own sexuality. You don't know how many people made jokes about this movie and it's homosexual overtones. Hell, what Tarantino said about this movie is the romance between Maverick and Iceman and that they want each other and when we get to that volleyball scene, I have a lot of things to say about it. This was a popular fan theory right there and this was before the fan theory about Will Byers from Stranger Things being gay. Oh, yeah. I mentioned that. It's like saying that Stranger Things 3 will deal with El wanting Max and Will wanting Mike.
"Yeah, that's where fanfiction comes in, ladies and gentlemen. Where you can write your naughty fanfics about these characters. That reminds me, I gotta finish up my Mileven one-shot before I work on my Elmax one-shot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They're introduced by their commanding officer of TOPGUN CDR Mike "Viper" Metcalf, played by Tom Skerritt.
Viper (Played by Tom Skerritt): Gentlemen. You are the top one percent of all naval aviators. The elite. The best of the best. We'll make you better. You'll fly at least two combat missions a day, attend classes in between and evaluations of your performance. Now, on each combat sequence, you're gonna meet a different challenge. Every encounter is gonna be much more difficult. We're gonna teach you to fly the F-14 right to the edge of the envelope, faster than you've ever flown before…
(Maverick looks back at Iceman for a bit before looking away, a slight smile appears on Maverick's face)
"Nope. No. I'm not gonna make that joke. No way. This movie is not gay. It's about a team of US Navy pilots fighting to defend the good 'ol US of A. There's nothing gay about this movie. Nothing gay about this mo…" Sean said.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
"Son of a bitch. Really?" Sean asked.
(Maverick looks back at Iceman. Iceman smiles at him)
Sean: (V/O as Iceman) I'm your huckleberry.
Goose: What are you doing?
Viper: Tip of the spear…
Maverick: I'm just wondering…
Viper: …best be sharp.
Maverick: …who's the best.
Viper: In case some of you wonder who the best is, they're up here on this plaque on the wall.
"Oh, crap. I think he heard me. Uh, just ignore the sound of my voice." Sean said, imitating Maverick.
Viper: You think your name's gonna be on that plaque?
Maverick: Yes, sir.
Viper: That's pretty arrogant, considering the company you're in.
Maverick: Yes, sir.
Viper: I like that in a pilot. Just remember, when it's over out there, we're all on the same team. Gentlemen, this school is about combat. There are no points for second place. Dismissed.
Goose: (To Maverick) Nice going.
(Maverick and Goose get up from out of their seats and walk over to plaque)
Iceman (Played by Val Kilmer): The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies' room.
(Goose does a sarcastic laugh)
We cut back to Sean, who just busts out in laughter from hearing Goose laughing.
"Oh, my God. That laugh is pure gold. It makes me happy every time I hear it while watching the movie. When I do another review of another movie, I'm definitely gonna use this clip for something silly happening or just laugh at some horrible acting." Sean said.
(A clip from Fateful Findings is shown)
Dylan (Played by Neil Breen): (While cradling Jim's dead body and gives a deadpan performance) I can't believe you committed suicide. I cannot believe you committed suicide. How could you have done this? How could you have committed suicide?
(Cut back to Goose's sarcastic laughter)
"Hey, that's pretty fun. Let's try another one." Sean said.
(A clip from The Room is shown)
Johnny (Played by Tommy Wiseau): You are lying! I never hit you! You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
(Cut back to Goose's sarcastic laughter)
"Okay, one more for good measure." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is shown)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
(Cut back to Goose's sarcastic laughter)
"Try some at home. I would love to see what you could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Maverick and Goose are hanging out at a bar for some drinks, where they bump into Lt. Tom "Iceman" Kazansky played by Val Kilmer, and his RIO LTJG "Ron "Slider" Kerner played by Rick Rossovich, and we get some pretty interesting dialogue.
Goose: Hey, hey, Slider. Thought you wanted to be a pilot, man. What happened?
Slider (Played by Rick Rossovich): Goose, you're such a dickhead. Who's butt did you kiss to get in here?
Goose: Well, the list is long but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well, so is my Johnson.
"Again, no gay overtones." Sean said.
Iceman (Played by Val Kilmer): Hey, Mother Goose. How's it going?
Goose: (Shakes Iceman's hand) Good, Tom. This is Pete Mitchell. Tom Kazansky.
Iceman: (Shakes Maverick's hand) Congratulations on Top Gun.
Maverick: Thank you.
Iceman: Sorry to hear about Cougar. He and I were like brothers in flight school. He was a good man.
Maverick: Still is a good man.
Iceman: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Maverick: Thought so.
Iceman: Say, you need any help?
Maverick: With what?
Iceman: You figured it out yet?
Maverick: What's that?
"That I have the hots for you, Maverick. You're the sexiest son of a bitch that I've ever seen." Sean said, imitating Iceman.
Sean: (Narrating) So after they have a contest to see who has the biggest… uh… ego. Maverick and Goose make a bet to see who could get laid by an attractive woman, and when Maverick spots a beautiful blonde, Maverick has a plan to woo her.
Maverick: …she's lost that loving feeling.
Goose: She's lost… no, she hasn't.
Maverick: Yes, she has.
Goose: She has not lost that…
Maverick: Goose, she's lost it.
Goose: Mav. Come on.
(Maverick grabs a microphone and approaches the beautiful blonde)
Maverick: Excuse me, miss.
Goose: Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
(Maverick taps Goose's shoulder as they both duck down and Maverick starts singing)
Maverick: (Sings) You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.
Goose: (Sings) There's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed while he covers his face with his hands.
Maverick: (Sings) You're trying hard not to show it.
All: (Sings) Baby. But, baby believe me I know it. You've lost that loving feeling. Whoa, that loving feeling. You've lost that loving feeling now it's gone, gone, gone. Woah, whoa, whoa.
"That's right, fellas. The Righteous Brothers can really get a woman in the mood if you sing one of their songs. Why couldn't I done that when I was asking Taylor out on a date?" Sean asked as Taylor enters the room.
"Hey, sweetie. I'm about to head out to the store to get a few things for dinner. Do you want anything?" Taylor asked while grabbing her purse and her car keys.
Sean: (Sings) You never close your eyes anymo…
"Not going to work, Sean." Taylor said.
"Damn it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little performance, Maverick tries to get lucky with Charlotte "Charlie" Blackwood, played by Kelly McGillis, but he ends up striking out. So he tries his luck with her again by following her into the ladies room to get him some booty. Oh, yeah. Women love it when you follow them into the ladies room. Just be glad that she wasn't armed with mace or a taser.
Charlie (Played by Kelly McGillis): It was a long cruise, was it, sailor?
Maverick: It was too long.
Charlie: What do you wanna do, just drop right down on the tile and go for it?
Maverick: No, I actually had… (Looks at the counter) Had this counter in mind.
"Hey, women love it when you take them on the counter. Not a very comfortable place to have sex on and you're in a public restroom, what if there's somebody in there and they hear you making happy noises? Just take her back to your place and give her a little risky business." Sean said.
Maverick: Actually, I came in here to save you from making a big mistake with that older guy.
Charlie: Really? So I could go on to a bigger one with a young guy like yourself?
Sean: (V/O as Maverick) You had me at hello.
Maverick: No?
Charlie: I gotta be at work very early in the morning.
Maverick: Then what are you doing here?
(We cut to Goose, who's sitting at the bar holding his bottle of Budweiser while looking at it)
Charlie: (Walks past Goose) Your friend was magnificent.
"Damn, he already scored with that hot chick? I must be losing my edge." Sean said, imitating Goose.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, it's the first day of class as Jester introduces the young fighters to their instructor, who happens to be Charlie and she's also an astrophysicist and he tells her about his little maneuver that he pulled on a MiG-28.
Maverick: We happen to see a MiG-28 do a four-G negative dive.
Charlie: Where did you see this?
Maverick: That's classified.
Charlie: It's what?
Maverick: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
"Isn't that the tagline for the CIA?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love this little moment right here where Maverick explains his little inverted maneuver to Charlie and Iceman doesn't believe him and he says this.
Maverick: Because I was inverted.
Iceman: Bullshit.
"I get a chuckle every time when I hear Iceman say "bullshit". I can imagine Val Kilmer's Batman saying "bullshit." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman Forever is shown)
The Riddler (Played by Jim Carrey): You're as blind as a bat!
Batman: (His voice replaced by Iceman's voice) Bullshit.
"Hell, it's another clip that I would use for a review when I hear something stupid or see something that I couldn't believe that I'm seeing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie takes an interest in Maverick and he puts on his awesome 80s aviators, he starts his first training hop with Jester by playing tag in the skies. The most awesome game of tag all while we get an instrumental version of the song "Mighty Wings" and breaking some rules while trying to tag Jester.
(Maverick gets a target lock on Jester)
Maverick: I got you now.
(The target reticle flashes red)
Maverick: (On the radio) Whoop! Jester's dead.
Goose: Jester's dead. Yee-haw!
(The "Top Gun Anthem" plays in the background)
Jester: Get your butts above the hard deck and return to base immediately.
(As Maverick and Goose fly back to base, they get ready to fly past the tower)
Maverick: Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.
Johnson (Played by Duke Stroud): Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.
Goose: No. No, Mav. This is not a good idea.
Maverick: Sorry, Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower.
(As Johnson sips his coffee, Maverick and Goose buzz the tower, causing him to spill coffee all over himself)
Johnson: Goddamn son of a bitch.
"And they ruined this man's day and his perfectly good cup of coffee." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick and Goose gloat about getting Jester, but Iceman is not impressed with Maverick and his renegade status.
Iceman: You guys really are cowboys.
Maverick: What's your problem, Kazansky?
Iceman: You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
Maverick: That's right. Iceman. I am dangerous.
(Iceman chomps his teeth at Maverick and Maverick smiles and chuckles at him)
"Uh, was that supposed to be an intimidating chomp or was that the flirty batchomp?" Sean asked. "Again, no gay overtones."
Sean: (Narrating) Jester tells Maverick and Goose to head up to Viper's office, where Johnson is pissed off and…
(The mess cook walks past Viper's office with a tray of coffee)
Johnson: I want somebody's butt. I want it now. I've had it.
(Johnson leaves Viper's office and bumps into the mess officer and has some coffee spilled on him the second time)
Johnson: Goddamn it! That's twice. I want some butts!
"Jeez, dude. Better lay off the coffee. It's bad enough that you have it spilled on you. And he also said that he want some butts. Again, no gay overtones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Viper is not too pleased with Maverick's actions and breaking the major rule of engagement and breaking another rule. And if he continues to break the rules, then Maverick and Goose will be expelled. After they leave, we get a little bit of information about Maverick that Viper mentions. Turns out that Viper flew with Maverick's father in Vietnam. Later, Goose visits Maverick about graduating Top Gun and because of Maverick's recklessness.
Maverick: Yeah, I guess that flyby wasn't such a big hit, huh?
Goose: Look, man, I know it's tough for you. They wouldn't let you in the academy because you're Duke Mitchell's kid and you have to live with that reputation. But it's like every time we go up there, it's like you're flying against a ghost. It makes me nervous.
"I get nervous every time I fly with you, Maverick. I'm afraid that you're gonna get me killed one of these days. Don't you know I got a family to think about?" Sean asked, imitating Goose.
Maverick: You're the only family I've got. I'm not gonna let you down. I promise you.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Charlie and Maverick do some talking and Maverick was wondering why she didn't tell him who she was and here's her response.
Charlie: I don't date students.
(Slider starts chuckling a bit)
Maverick: I can see it's dangerous for you. But if the government trusts me, maybe you could.
Charlie: It takes a lot more than just fancy flying.
(Charlie walks away after leaving a note on Maverick's desk. He picks up the note and it reads "Dinner tonight. 5:30 SHARP! 100 Laurel Beach. Classified")
"Well, looks like he accepts this mission. But getting into be with her, that's gonna be impossible." Sean said.
Slider: Crash and burn, huh, Mav?
Maverick: Slider, (sniffing) you stink.
(Slider sniffs himself)
Sean: (V/O as Slider) Damn it, I should've used Old Spice.
(We then cut to the notorious volleyball scene where we see Maverick, Goose, Iceman and Slider playing volleyball while the song "Playing With the Boys" by Kenny Loggins plays)
"And here we are. The biggest highlight of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And of course, we're talking about the famous volleyball scene that people tend to make fun of. People say that this scene is homoerotic. This is Will Byers' wet dream right here. But I'm sounding like a crazy person here. Why would people say that this scene is homoerotic?
"I don't know what's homoerotic about this scene? There's nothing homoerotic about it. It's just a couple of guys… playing volleyball…shirtless and sweaty…" Sean said while getting distracted by watching the scene.
(More footage of the volleyball scene plays while sexy 80s porno music plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O) Muscles rippling and flexing… putting their arms around each other and looking back at the camera lovingly…
"Just a couple of guys just having fun with each other while they show off their shirtless bodies… WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT HERE?! I GOT A GIRLFRIEND AND I LIKE BOOBS! YOU LIKE BOOBS! BREASTS, BUST, TITS, MELONS, BAZOOKAS, BAZOOMS, KNOCKERS, RACK, JUGS! HOOTERS!" Sean yelled out. "TITTIES!"
Sean: (Narrating) Fun fact about this scene: this is the scene that nearly cost Tony Scott's job. This iconic scene angered the execs at Paramount that the head of production Charlie McGuire was gonna fire him. The movie's editors Chris Lebenzon and Billy Weber brought that up in an interview. But enough about that scene as Maverick turns down one last game for a dinner date with Charlie. Also, I just love the fact that they played an instrumental version of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" for when Maverick heads over to Charlie's house. Anyway, so the two of them have dinner and while they're listening to some Otis Redding, the song holds a special place in Maverick's heart when he mentions that his parents loved that song.
Maverick: My mother used to call down from her room and have me play this song over and over again. I got so sick of it. But not her, she… just sit up there alone, just listening, hours. Just listening. She died shortly after him
Charlie: What happened to your father?
Maverick: I guess I kind of figured, with your security clearance, you'd know more about him than I do.
Charlie: Well, I didn't get that far.
Maverick: Oh. Well, it's a big mystery. He disappeared in an F-4, November 5th, 1965. The stink of it was, he screwed up. No way. My old man was a great fighter pilot.
"Well, I'm guessing that a certain someone is covering that up. It must've been Tom… Selleck." Sean said.
"So, he feels like he has to prove something 'cuz his dad died in 'Nam." Brian said. "I'm sure there's more to it than that."
(Maverick gets up to leave)
Charlie: Where are you going?
Maverick: I'm gonna take a shower. (Smiles at Charlie) Thank you. I enjoyed being here.
Sean: (V/O as Charlie) Damn it, I really wanted the Vitamin D.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick finishes his shower and he bumps into Charlie in the elevator, with Charlie having darker hair and Maverick's hair is longer for some reason. Mostly, because it was filmed post-production and Kelly McGillis' hair was colored for another movie and I believe that movie was the 1987 film Made in Heaven, which is why she's wearing the hat in the scene.
Charlie: I'm gonna be honest with you. Your MiG sighting is really important to my work, but… I don't normally invite students to my house. You're, um… But… please understand, I still have a job to do.
"Oh, that's okay. It's all gonna change soon. Trust me, you want him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Maverick and Goose head to the airport to meet up with Goose's wife Carole, played by Meg Ryan, and his son Bradley.
Carole (Played by Meg Ryan): So Maverick, Goose tells me you're in love with one of your instructors.
Maverick: Is that right?
Goose: I didn't tell her that.
Carole: Yes, you did.
Goose: I…
Carole: Yes, you did.
Goose: I can't believe you said that. That was a secret.
(Goose kisses his wife)
"And you're a dead man. No, I'm not kidding. That dude is a dead man. And I'm gonna call it. Why? Because he's the best friend and he has a family. You know what happens to the best friend. It happens every time in movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in class, Viper gives the boys a maneuver test with Charlie providing her input and Maverick giving his input and what not to do. After class, Charlie goes to talk to Maverick about his review, but he just drives off on his motorcycle and she drives after him.
Maverick: Jesus Christ! And you think I'm reckless! When I fly, I'll have you know that my crew and my plane come first!
Charlie: Well, I'm going to finish my sentence, lieutenant. My review of your flight performance was right on.
Maverick: Is that right?
Charlie: That is right. But I held something back. I see some real genius in your flying, Maverick, but I can't say that in there. I was afraid that everyone in that TACTS trailer would see right through me. And I just don't want anyone to know that I've fallen for you.
(Maverick kisses Charlie)
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get this movie's love scene between Maverick and Charlie which include romantic, silhouette sex in front of the curtains while Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" plays in the background uring the scene. The fact that this movie got a PG rating and it got a love scene. Yeah, a family picture for your kids to watch.
"Imagine you being a kid in the 80s and you're watching the movie with your parents and this scene comes on." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean and Taylor playing parents and Dave playing their son. The three of them are sitting in the living room watching Top Gun and the love scene between Maverick and Charlie plays)
Sean: (as Father) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Taylor: (as Mother) Oh, my God! Joshua, cover your eyes!
Dave: (as Son) Why, mom? It's just two people kissing.
Taylor: And they're doing much more than that.
Dave: What? All they're doing is having sex.
Sean: Where did you learn that word, young man? You go to your room right now.
Dave: But…
Sean: NOW!
(Dave runs to his room)
Taylor: But then again, there's no nudity involved. It's just romantic sex.
Sean: I don't want to hear it, Alice. I don't want to hear it.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) And I just love this scene and how it is shot and the fact that it was added in because of the movie's gay overtones. And with Berlin's song playing during the scene, it's the chef's kiss. After that scene, we get my favorite line in the movie.
Maverick: I feel the need, the need for speed.
Goose: The need for speed.
(Maverick and Goose high-five each other)
"That's like the most quotable line in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick and Goose are up in the skies with Wolfman and Hollywood, played by Barry Tubb and Whip Hubley, and Maverick and Goose are tied with Iceman and Slider and they need to win Hop 19 just to beat Iceman and Slider. And things get interesting when Jester brings Viper into the game. Maverick engages both bogeys with Hollywood.
Viper: Break now, Jester.
Maverick: Hollywood, we're losing Viper. Let's just stay on Jester.
Hollywood: Roger, I'm on him.
(Maverick and Hollywood go after Jester)
Maverick: Goose, find Viper. He's out there somewhere.
Goose: Stay with Hollywood, Mav, we're covering his wing.
(Maverick spots Viper)
Maverick: Goose, there's Viper. 3 o'clock, low.
Goose: Stay with Hollywood, Mav. We're his cover.
"Right, so how long until he abandons Hollywood to go after Viper?" Sean asked.
Maverick: I'm going after Viper.
(Maverick abandons Hollywood to go after Viper)
Hollywood: Goddamn you, Maverick.
Goose: Mav, don't leave him.
Maverick: Goose, Hollywood's okay. I want Viper.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
"Oh, brother." Sean said. "Will you stop it already?!"
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick breaks the most important rule of all, which is never abandon your wingman and it's a big no-no. He flies after Viper and tries to shoot him down. But instead, Maverick ends up getting shot down by Jester. Afterwards, Jester enters the locker room to tell Maverick that you never, ever leave your wingman and Iceman decides to have a few words to him about his ego.
Iceman: Maverick, it's not your flying, it's your attitude. The enemy's dangerous, but right now you're worse than the enemy. You're dangerous and foolish. You may not like the guys flying with you, they may not like you, but whose side are you on?
"You wanna know something, he's right. Iceman is right. He's absolutely right. And this is why he's my favorite character in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know what you're going to say that he's wrong for that one and he's condescending when honestly, he's being truthful. You might think that Iceman is the bad guy in the movie, he's not. His advices are good for Maverick, he was being honest and to the point. You can tell from their first scene that it was a competition that they took a lot to a playful side with Iceman smiling at Maverick and telling a joke that Goose even laughed. That's why Val Kilmer plays that character really well and Iceman is the coolest pilot ever. And I know that Kilmer is going through a lot and being in rough shape after surviving throat cancer and he's an excellent director. Hell, he's even in Top Gun: Maverick, which I've haven't seen but I've heard that it's good. Really good. Also, he does this little Jim Morrison walk at the end when he leaves the locker room.
"I just thought it was pretty awesome. He's just channeling his role as Jim Morrison." Sean said.
Maverick: That was stupid. I know better than that. It'll never happen again.
Goose: I know. (Gets up from off of the bench) I know.
"Okay, I don't want to make any gay jokes here but did this scene just turn into a walking Village People advertisement here? You have a bunch of guys standing around in their towels wrapped around them and Maverick up on one leg on the bench in Goose's face with his back and backside turned up to Iceman. Or is this the start to some gay porn right here or maybe it's Brad Loekle's wet dream." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No joking aside, I really do like this scene. You have Iceman being straight with Maverick, no pun intended, Goose protecting his best friend, Maverick admitting that he was wrong and Goose reassuring Maverick and to top it all off, you have Maverick looking at a photo of him and his father before he disappeared and thinks he wants to impress his father, then afterwards we get Goose playing the piano and him and his son singing "Great Balls of Fire".
Carole: Doesn't he ever embarrass you?
Maverick: Goose? Hell, no. Well, there was the time…
Carole: Admiral's daughter.
Maverick: What?
Carole: Come on. He told me all about the time you went ballistic with Penny Benjamin.
Maverick: Did he? Well, that's great.
"Okay, that's the second time that they mentioned this Penny Benjamin-chick. I know that she's the Admiral's daughter, but what did Maverick do to piss off the Admiral?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After all that good time fun, we cut to the next day and Hop 31 begins with three against three and we get "Danger Zone" playing once more and with Iceman up in the air along with Maverick. Things are going great until things go wrong when Iceman doesn't take the shot on an enemy craft. Maverick tries to take the shot but when his jet gets caught in Iceman's jet wash, it cripples his engines.
Goose: This is not good! This is not good!
Iceman: Mayday, mayday. Mav's in trouble. He's in a flat spin. He's heading out to sea.
(Maverick's jet flies out of control)
Goose: Altitude 8,000, 7,000. Six. We're at six, Mav.
"Oh, shit! I knew that I shouldn't have taken flying lessons from Launchpad." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Goose yanks open the emergency ejection handles and they eject out of there, but Goose crashes head first into the canopy and dies and we get the saddest moment in the film in which the best friend dies. Called it! But honestly, that is the saddest moment in the film with the music, the cinematography and the guy telling Maverick to let Goose go. Try watching this scene without crying. It is impossible to do so. Afterwards, Viper goes to check in on Maverick and he tries to comfort him.
Viper: You fly jets long enough, something like this happens.
Maverick: He was my RIO, my responsibility.
Viper: In my squadron in Vietnam, we lost eight of 18 aircraft. Ten men. First one dies, you die too. But there will be others. You can count on it. You gotta let him go. You gotta let him go.
"And you gotta tell him this while he's just standing in his underwear? At least let him put on some pants, dude. Again, no gay overtones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Feeling that he's responsible for Goose's death, Maverick packs up Goose's belongings and keeps his tags and he goes to see Carole and her son that her husband died and she's now a widow. Again, I just love the drama in this scene. And I'm sure that her son won't grow up to be some guy with a mustache who's gonna blame Maverick for his father's death. I'm just saying. Anyway, an inquiry clears Maverick of wrongdoing because of the incident and afterwards, Maverick is back up in the air and he's teamed with his replacement RIO LTJG Marcus "Sundown" Williams, played by Clarence Gilyard Jr.
Sundown (Played by Clarence Gilyard Jr.): All right, you got a bogey at 2 o'clock low, Maverick. You got the angle. Piece of cake, pal.
(Maverick flies after Jester)
Jester: Take the shot, kid. Take the shot.
Sundown: You can engage any time, Maverick.
(Maverick begins to loses his edge and bugs out)
Sundown: Hey, where the hell are you going?
Maverick: It's not good. It… It doesn't look good.
Sundown: What do you mean, it doesn't look good? It doesn't get to look any better than that.
"That's what every chef says on Hell's Kitchen when they send out food." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick loses his edge after losing Goose and he yells at Sundown. Then later, Iceman finds Maverick in the locker room to have a little…
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
"Stop it! God! I'm getting annoyed by that goddamn joke." Sean said.
Iceman: Mitchell. I'm sorry about Goose. Everybody liked him. I'm sorry.
Sean: (V/O as Maverick) Aww, I thought he was going to tell me that he had me at hello.
Sean: (Narrating) Wolfman overhears, Iceman apologizing to Maverick, so he calls Charlie to tell her that Maverick just quit, so she goes to see him to tell him what she found during her investigation on the incident involving Goose.
Charlie: Listen, I've seen all the evidence, and it's not your responsibility. It's not your fault. You're one of the best pilots in the Navy. What you do up there, it's dangerous. But you've got to go on.
Maverick: No, you don't understand.
Charlie: When I first met you, you were larger than life. Look at you. You're not gonna be happy unless you're going Mach 2 with your hair on fire, you know that.
"If he did, then he would definitely get the role as Ghost Rider instead of Nicolas Cage." Sean said.
Charlie: To be the best of the best means you make mistakes and then you go on. It's just like the rest of us.
Maverick: Oh, you don't think I know that?
Charlie: I'm here to help.
Maverick: Look, thank you. But if I wanted help, really, I would have asked for it.
Charlie: So I'm too late. You've already left. You didn't learn a damn thing, did you? Except to quit. You've got that maneuver down real well.
Sean: (Narrating) After Maverick pushes her away, Charlie says her goodbyes as she heads back to Washington. Later, Maverick heads to Viper's house to talk to Viper, who tells him stories about him flying with his father and how he was like him and he tells him about the truth about what happened to his father.
Viper: We were in the worst dogfight I ever dreamed of. Bogies like fireflies all over the sky. His F-4 was hit, he was wounded, but he could've made it back. He stayed in it, saved three planes before he bought it.
Maverick: How come I never heard that before?
Viper: Now, that's not something the State Department tells dependents when the battle occurred over the wrong line on some map.
Maverick: So you were there?
Viper: I was there. What's on your mind?
Maverick: My options, sir.
"Should I choose to go out with Iceman or should I continue to see Charlie. Those are my two options." Sean said, imitating Maverick.
Viper: Simple. First, you've acquired enough points to show up tomorrow and graduate with your Top Gun class. Or you can quit. There'd be no disgrace. That spin was hell. It would've shook me up.
Maverick: So you think I should quit?
Viper: I didn't say that. The simple fact is, you feel responsible for Goose, and you have a confidence problem. Now, I'm not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass, lieutenant. A good pilot is compelled to always evaluate what's happened.
"Even though he was responsible for killing his own best friend up in the air. Yeah, no one is safe to fly with you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Maverick shows up for graduation and congratulates Iceman and Slider getting their names engraves on the TOPGUN trophy, then Viper tells the boys to head to the USS Enterprise immediately for a crisis situation and Maverick reports to Stinger once he arrives. The movie kindly lets us know that it's 24 hours later and Stinger briefs them on the mission, which involves the communications ship SS Layton wandering into enemy territory and is being attacked by MiGs, who are armed with anti-ship missiles. So, Stinger sends Iceman and Hollywood up while Maverick and Merlin back them up.
"And this is where the movie gets awesome and this is because of the movie's climax." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You have Iceman and Hollywood up in the air and they come across five MiGs, Hollywood gets shot down by one of the MiGs. Maverick joins in on the fight while Iceman and Slider are getting surrounded by enemy fighters. Maverick loses it for a bit, but with the power of Goose, he joins back in the fight and takes out the MiG that was going after Ice. Iceman gets hit by one of them and he destroys several of the MiGs and sending the others running home.
"Also, we can't forget about this moment right here." Sean said.
(Maverick and Iceman buzz the bridge, causing Johnson to spill his coffee)
Johnson: Goddamn that guy!
"That dude picked the wrong time to be drinking coffee." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Maverick gets his confidence back and they celebrate their victory and Iceman thanks Maverick for saving his life.
Iceman: You are still dangerous. (Smiles) You can be my wingman anytime.
Maverick: Bullshit. You can be mine.
(They shake hands and hug)
(A clip from the movie Sleep With Me is shown)
Sid (Played by Quentin Tarantino): Swordfight! Swordfight!
"Enough!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick lets go of Goose by throwing his tags off the back of the ship and Stinger congratulates him on a job well and to tell him that they're giving him his choice of duty.
Stinger: Where do you think you wanna go?
Maverick: I thought about being an instructor, sir.
Stinger: Top Gun?
Maverick: (Chuckles) Yes, sir.
Stinger: God help us.
"Hey, I was gonna say that." Sean said.
Sean: (Naverating) Maverick sits at a bar to have himself a nice beer while someone plays The Righteous Brothers until he gets a nice surprise of his life.
(Maverick turns around and sees Charlie standing in the doorway)
Charlie: Hello, Pete Mitchell.
(A clip from Jerry Maguire is shown)
Dorothy (Played by Renee Zellweger): You had me at hello.
Charlie: I heard the best of the best were gonna be back here, so…
Maverick: This could be complicated. You know, on the first one, I crashed and burned.
Charlie: And the second?
(Maverick chuckles)
Maverick: I don't know, but it's looking good so far.
"I'm still up for that shower, if you want to join me." Sean said, imitating Maverick.
Sean: (Narrating) Maverick and Charlie reunite and we get our cast of characters and the movie ends with Cheap Trick's "Mighty Wings". Roll credits!
"And that was Top Gun. The movie that made men gay, I mean, the movie that made men join the Navy. And it's also that is worthy of being awesome. And I love it." Sean said.
(Clips of the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the movie being a target of gay jokes, it still holds up pretty well. Even though it received mixed reviews from critics, the movie became a huge commercial hit and it grossed $357 million globally. Roger Ebert gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars and Gene Siskel gave the film 3 out of 4 stars. At least Siskel enjoyed the film. The dogfights are pretty amazing as well as the flying stunts. The music score and the soundtrack is epic as hell and the acting is pretty good as well. The movie spawned a sequel thirty-six years later titled "Top Gun: Maverick", and when I see the movie, I'll get a chance to review it. Anyway. Top Gun is still an awesome movie, if you can stray away from making gay jokes about it. Top Gun comes in at 5 F-14s out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- This gives me a hard-on. Don't tease me.
Whew! And there's another review down. I hope that you all enjoy the review of Top Gun and some of it's jokes in the review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic starts a new segment called "Bizarropiece Theater" as he talks about the 1991 Chevy Chase/Dan Aykroyd comedy Nothing But Trouble. Then after that review, it's time to step into the world of James Bond as Sean talks about two James Bond movies featuring Timothy Dalton, The Living Daylights and License to Kill as he gives his thoughts about them and see how well they hold up. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.