The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Christmas is coming up in about seven days. Boy, this month is going by fast. It is time for another Christmas movie to review. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the action thriller Reindeer Games. A movie so bad that it was one of the first Hollywood bombs that Ben Affleck starred in after Good Will Hunting. Is this movie not as bad as people say it is or does it deserve a giant lump of coal? So sit back, relax, grab yourself some goddamn hot chocolate and a slice of pecan fuckin' pie. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Reindeer Games is owned by Miramax Films and Dimension Films.
Episode 163
Reindeer Games
(The review opens with the traditional MC intro before we cut to our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room in his Christmas attire while sipping a mug of hot chocolate)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "So, originally I was going to review The Santa Clause, but I came across something even better and I really wanted to review it. This is where Reindeer Games comes in."
(The title screen for the movie "Reindeer Games" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the song "Slick Nick. You Devil You" by Fishbone plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Since Christmas is coming up in a couple of days, I was looking for a film that's kind of a Christmas movie, but kind of not and I'm not sure what to think of it. Released in theaters on February 25th, 2000. Yeah, that movie was released on my 8th birthday. Yeah, a Christmas movie released on my birthday. What a surprise. This was one of Ben Affleck's Hollywood bombs after he made it big with Good Will Hunting. Hell, they even made fun of the movie in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Oh, yeah. It's that bad.
(A clip from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back is shown)
Matt Damon: Yeah, sometimes you do Reindeer Games.
Ben Affleck: See? That's just mean.
Sean: (Narrating) This was also the final film that John Frankenheimer directed before he died in 2002. This film was shown to a test audience whose response was mixed, resulting in some additional editing and some scenes being re-shot, and because of this the movie's release date was going to be Christmas of 1999 to February of 2000. Hell, audiences weren't in the mood for a Christmas movie in friggin' February, the critics and audiences weren't too kind to the movie as it got negative reviews. Not only it's the last film from John Frankenheimer, it's also the start of a series of bad films from Ben Affleck. Couldn't you get me a better Christmas movie starring Ben Affleck to review?
(A poster for the 2004 movie Surviving Christmas is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) OH, GOD! Thank God that Ben Affleck came back as both a respected actor and director. The question remains: is this movie a Christmas disaster that everybody says it is? Well, we're going to take a look at this giant lump of coal to find out. And before I forget to mention this, I will be reviewing the Director's Cut version of the film because HBO Max has both the original theatrical version and the Director's Cut versions of the movie and I watched the Director's Cut and if you think that this version is going to be bad, well it's going to be crazy bad.
"God, I wish I was reviewing The Santa Clause right now. Let's get this over with. This is Reindeer Games." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the title screen as we hear the sound of a deer bleating)
"Oh, Christ. I'm sorry, movie. But I can't take your movie seriously when you show the title of the movie. Hell, it'll be like showing It's a Wonderful Life and you hear this…" Sean said.
(We see the title "It's a Wonderful Life" in Eurostile italics font)
ZuZu Bailey: (V/O) Every time a bell rings an angel gets it's wings.
"...yeah, your movie loses all credibility." Sean said.
(We then cut to certain shots of dead people dressed as Santa. Some of them are shot and even burned)
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our title screen, the movie opens with a Santa convention gone wrong and I have to say that this is one hell of an opening as we see several people dressed as Santa are killed in some creative way. So our narrator tells us the story of how he got here.
Rudy Duncan (Played by Ben Affleck): (Narrating) To tell you the truth, I never was much for the holidays. Been forever since I'd known a holiday, since I'd seen my family.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie goes all TV Tropes on our asses as we cut to six days before the Santa Massacre, as we see our main character Rudy Duncan, played by Ben Affleck, as we see him and his buddy Nick Cassidy, played by James Frain, are two days from being released from prison. And if you think that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, and it is, this movie opens with shots of dead Santas and Nick whistling Silver Bells. And what's the first thing that Rudy is going to do after he gets out?
Rudy Duncan: Hot chocolate.
Nick Cassidy (Played by James Frain): What?
Rudy Duncan: That's the first thing I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go out and get myself a mug of hot chocolate.
Nick Cassidy: And a piece of pecan pie, right?
Rudy Duncan: That's right. A piece of pecan pie.
"Really? Pecan pie. Couldn't you just say apple pie. It'll go great with some hot chocolate." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick is also excited to see this woman named Ashley, who's been exchanging letters with him, but Rudy isn't convinced that she's the one in the photos being sent to him.
Rudy Duncan: …maybe I should take her out. Spend a day or two with her. Make sure she's the right girl.
Nick Cassidy: Just a day or two. Maybe a night or two?
Rudy Duncan: Yeah. Whatever it takes. Just to make sure you're gettin' the right merchandise, you know.
"Wow, I should punch him in his shit smug dumbass face for that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're returning to their cell, Rudy spots an inmate named Alamo and he's worried that he thinks that he's the one who snitched on him and he ended up in solitary. And judging by the look on that guy, I'm guessing he's not too happy with him.
"Maybe it's because he saw Gigli. Hey, I feel your pain, bro. I wanted to knock out Ben Affleck for starring in that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And in case you're forgetting that this is a Christmas movie…
Nick Cassidy: (Reads a letter from Ashley) "I've made my list, and I've checked it twice, and as long as you're naughty, it's gonna be nice."
"That's the most corniest thing that I've ever heard in my life. Sounds like a naughty Christmas card from Brazzers." Sean said.
Rudy Duncan: All I want is just to make it back to Sidnaw, sit down for Christmas dinner, sleep in my old bed, watch some ball games with my old man…
"Bake an apple pie with my mother Martha." Sean said.
(Batman from Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice pops up)
Batman (Played by Ben Affleck): WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT NAME!
"Oh, shit!" Sean exclaimed as he falls off the couch after being startled by Batman.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see that the inmates are being served Holiday Jell-O for lunch. Yeah, I wouldn't trust what they're serving. Then one of the inmates, played oddly enough by Isaac Hayes, spots a little surprise in his Jell-O.
Zook (Played by Isaac Hayes): (Finds a cockroach in his Jell-O) Monsters… in the gelatin.
Nick Cassidy: It's just a roach, Zook.
Rudy Duncan: Yeah, it's protein. It's good for ya.
Zook: Monsters… in the gelatin!
Rudy Duncan: All right, calm down.
Zook: There are monsters in the gelatin!
"See? This never would've happened if you had Isaac Hayes serving you food. You would've gotten his chocolate salty balls for dessert." Sean said as a picture of Chef from South Park is shown.
(The other inmates start finding roaches in their Jell-O)
Inmate #1: Look at this shit!
(He start throwing the roach)
Rudy Duncan: Hey! Jesus!
Guard #1: Sit down! Sit down!
Inmate #2: Son of a bitch!
(Throws his tray of food at the guard)
Inmate #3: You eat this shit! (Throws his tray at another guard)
(A clip from Naked Gun 33 ⅓: The Final Insult is shown)
Frank Drebin (Played by Leslie Nielsen): (To the guard) You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! (He throws his food at Tyrone)
Sean: (Narrating) A riot breaks out in the lunch room and the guards enter the lunchroom with their riot gear to avoid getting hit by food. This gives Alamo the opportunity to go after Rudy just so he can shank him, but Nick pushes him out of the way and ends up getting stabbed by Alamo.
"Noooooo! Not Nick! And on top of all that, they got Tyrone!" Sean exclaimed.
(Another clip from Naked Gun 33 ⅓: The Final Insult is shown)
Tyrone (Played by Bruce A. Young): (As the guards grab him while being surrounded by reporters) Can't we all just get along?
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, what a shock. Nick ends up getting killed and he's two days away from leaving this hellhole.
Nick Cassidy: (To the cafeteria worker) This man and I are out of here in two days…
"That cliche is getting so old even Last Action Hero made fun of that cliche. It's time for that cliche to retire because it's getting old and we see it a lot in movies. It's like me saying that I'm two days away from reviewing my next movie." Sean said, then his eyes widened in shock after realizing what he just did. "Wait, wait, wait! I was only joking about…!"
Sean ends up getting shot in the chest by a sniper and dies. We then cut to a photo of Sean with the caption: "In Loving Memory of Sean J. Archer, 1992-2022. He was only two days away from reviewing his next movie." while the song It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday by Boyz II Men starts playing in the background.
Nick Cassidy: Ashley. Ashley.
Rudy Duncan: Hold on, just hold on. Guard! Jesus, guard!
Brian: (V/O as Nick) Rudy, before I die, I just have one last request for you.
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) What is it, Nick?
Brian: (V/O as Nick) I want you to have sex with my girl.
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) Okay.
Brian: (V/O as Nick) Oh, I'm dead.
Rudy Duncan: Oh, my God. Nick! Nick!
Guard: Get him out of here now!
Rudy Duncan: Nick! Nick! Nick!
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy is eventually released from prison and he sees Ashley Mercer, played by Charlize Theron, waiting outside for Nick. So, I guess nobody notified her about his death. And Rudy gets on the bus and he continues to see Ashley and thinking about what Nick said, so Rudy gets off the bus and he does this….
Rudy Duncan: You Ashley?
(Ashley nods her head and smiles at Rudy)
Rudy Duncan: I'm Nick.
"He pretends to be his dead best friend just so he can get a piece of ass. There's a special place in Hell for people like you. You stole a dead man's girl just to spare her feelings. Not to mention the fact that you were eye-humping her photos like a creepy fuck. Hi, is this Hell? Yeah, I'd like a reservation for one, please!" Sean exclaimed.
(We cut to Rudy, posing as Nick, and Ashley sitting at a diner drinking some coffee)
Rudy Duncan: How's your coffee?
Ashley Mercer (Played by Charlize Theron): It's good.
"It tastes like deception, but it needs a little bit of cream." Sean said, imitating Ashley.
Ashley Mercer: I thought you said you had curly hair.
Rudy Duncan: I do. It's very curly. When it gets long, it's really curly, but I had to cut it short. I can grow it back out again, if you want. I mean, I can get, you know, pretty bushy.
Ashley Mercer: No. No, no, no. I want you to be who you want to be. (Smiles at Rudy)
Rudy Duncan: Do that again.
Ashley Mercer: What?
Rudy Duncan: Smile like that.
(Ashley acts a little shy)
Rudy Duncan: Come on, one more time.
(Ashley smiles at Rudy once more)
"Okay, so how long until Batman and Cipher fuck each others brains out?" Sean asked, while looking at his watch.
(Immediately, we cut to Rudy and Ashley in a motel room, where they proceed to have sex while "Let It Snow" by Dean Martin plays in the background)
"Wow, that escalated quickly. Ask a beautiful woman to smile at you like that and you two go back to your room to have some hot steamy sex." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get a pretty graphic sex scene in which Rudy and Ashley have themselves a spicy hormonal sandwich. And it's nice to know that Charlize Theron's first nude scenes is this movie. Plus, how can I take this sex scene seriously while "Let It Snow" by Dean Martin is playing in the background? Yeah, nothing gets your boner raging like the music of Dean Martin.
"And if you pervs came to my review just to see Charlize Theron's boobs, then just go to PornHub." Sean said.
Rudy Duncan: Can I ask you something?
Ashley Mercer: Mmm?
Rudy Duncan: This the first time you ever done somethin' like this?
"Did I say that this is her first nude scene in this movie? I meant The Devil's Advocate. She had a sex scene with Keanu Reeves in that movie." Sean said.
Rudy Duncan: Why you writing to some con you don't even know?
Sean: (Narrating) Ashley reveals the reason why she wrote to Rudy, I mean Nick, in the first place.
Ashley Mercer: All the guys I've ever been with, they never wanted to get to know me. Who I am, inside. They just wanted to get inside. Guy like you, Nick…
"She loves it when Nick stuffs her stocking." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Wanting to stuff Ashley's stocking once more, Rudy sticks with his new identity flushes his driver's license in the toilet. Yeah, good luck waiting in line for three hours at the DMV for you to get a new one, you stupid mouth breather. He romances his dead cellmate's girl as they plan their vacation together and she buys him a ton of stuff.
Rudy Duncan: (Talks to his reflection in the mirror) Just until the holidays, Nick. You know, we'll let her have her holidays, then we'll tell her.
"We'll break the news to her… till after New Year's. Or maybe Valentine's Day." Sean said, imitating Rudy.
Ashley Mercer: When I get back in that room, you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane. (She winks at Rudy)
Rudy Duncan: (Smirks and sings) I have no gifts to bring, ba-rump-ah-pum-pum. (Chuckles)
Sean: (V/O as Rudy, singing) At last the roof goes on, and nothing can go wrong…
(Rudy enters the motel room until a thug strikes him in the stomach with a baseball bat)
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) OH, NO! IT ALL WENT WRONG!
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy gets attacked by some thugs who were waiting for him in his motel room thinking that he's Nick and they're led by Gabriel, played by Gary Sinise, and as much as I riff on this movie, Gary Sinise is the best part about this movie. Plus, his team consists of Merlin played by the late Clarence Williams III, Pug played by Donal Logue and Jumpy played by Machete himself Danny Trejo.
Rudy Duncan: Look, man, you don't know me.
Gabriel Mercer (Played by Gary Sinise): Ho ho ho. Oh, I know you. I know you real well.
"Yeah, dude. You got him mistaken for someone else. He's not Sarek from Star Trek: Discovery." Sean said as a picture of James Frain as Sarek is shown next to Sean.
Sean: (Narrating) Ashley enters the room and ends up getting captured too and it turns out that Gabriel is Ashley's brother. So, Rudy comes clean about his identity… that he should've done before!
Rudy Duncan: Look, man. I'm not him. Whatever you want from Nick, you got the wrong guy.
"Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Pontius Pilate from Monty Python's Life of Brian.
(Gabriel strikes Rudy in the gut with his shotgun)
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy explains to Gabriel that he's not Nick and that he took his place because Nick didn't get out.
Gabriel Mercer: You're not Nick Cassidy?
Rudy Duncan: No, man, I just shared his cell.
Gabriel Mercer: But you were sayin' you were?
Rudy Duncan: Yeah.
Gabriel Mercer: So you could get with my sister?
Rudy Duncan: Yeah.
Gabriel Mercer: So you could get down her chimney?
Rudy Duncan: Yeah.
Gabriel Mercer: And you think tellin' me that's gonna help your cause?
(Rudy gets ready to say something, but Gabriel strikes him in the stomach once more
Ashley Mercer: No!
"Nice job, asshole. They don't believe you. God, this reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons where Homer gets kidnapped by the Mob while he's masquerading as Krusty the Clown.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, they don't believe him. So much for getting himself out of that pickle. Not a bright idea to be posing as your dead best friend just so you can tap that hot redhead ass and end up getting your ass kicked by her psycho brother.
"Also, I just love this moment where Merlin is busy eating the Christmas cookies and he takes them and the Christmas tree with him. I chuckled a bit from seeing this." Sean said.
Merlin (Played by Clarence Williams III): Man, they got a shitload of cookies.
Gabriel Mercer: Take them.
Merlin: What about the tree? You want the tree?
Gabriel Mercer: Yeah.
(Merlin laughs)
Sean: (V/O as Merlin) Sweet! I get Christmas cookies and a tree too. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
Gabriel Mercer: (To Rudy) Don't play no reindeer games with me.
"Boom! Title drop." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So why do they want Nick? Well, because he read Nick's letters to Ashley, Gabriel learns that he works at a casino as a security guard and they want him to help rob it.
Rudy Duncan: Oh, my God, you set him up!
Ashley Mercer: No. No, I didn't. I didn't.
Rudy Duncan: When'd you decide to do it, Ash? Huh? After which one of his letters? What, the 40th? The 50th? The first? What?
"She's a horrible person? This coming from the asshat who stole a dead guy's girl while pretending to be him. You're horrible than Nick Adams!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy tells Gabriel that he never worked at a casino, but it turns out that Ashley did say that he would be able to help him out with the job. Rudy refuses and they try to kill him, he eventually gives in and continues the ruse.
Ashley Mercer: Nick, I love you, baby. Nick, I love you.
Gabriel Mercer: Hey. She said she loves you. Say somethin'.
Rudy Duncan: (Looks at Ashley) I had better sex in prison.
(Gabriel chuckles)
"Which is where you should all be at for making this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they do this little job, Rudy has one little demand for them, and it's the one thing that he's been hankering for in this entire movie.
Rudy Duncan: I want some hot chocolate. You want to hear about some job of mine, I want to see some goddamn hot chocolate. And some pecan fuckin' pie!
(The next scene transitions to Rudy sitting at a booth with Ashley, Gabriel and Gabriel's gang at a diner while they watch him eat a slice of pecan pie)
Rudy Duncan: Mmm. Sure nice pie.
Gabriel Mercer: So, when you worked there…
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) Dude, wait until I'm finished with my pie.
(Rudy finishes up his pie)
Gabriel Mercer: You knew the place…
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) Dude, shut the fuck up! Mmm.
"Well, he got what he wanted. Some goddamn hot chocolate and some pecan fuckin' pie. Now, all that's left is a smart ass remark for him to make and we're good to go." Sean said.
Rudy Duncan: You know what? I could really go for some onion rings.
(Jumpy punches Rudy in the face and Ashley gasps in shock)
"Okay, that was pretty funny. Let's see that again." Sean said.
(The scene where Jumpy punches Rudy in the face repeatedly is shown over and over again)
"Your pain makes me laugh mostly because I dislike you and you're an asshole." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Gabriel shows him the map of the casino and we get a clever moment where Rudy tells him that the place has been changed around, so he's not sure that he'll be able to help them out as security measures is probably changed around and he mentions a safe that the owner has in his office.
Rudy Duncan: And that safe had all the money that he was skimming in there. And it was called the Powwow Safe.
Jumpy (Played by Danny Trejo): Powwow Safe?
Rudy Duncan: Yes. Powwow Safe, because he was stealin' money from the tribe. The guy had thousands in there. Millions, probably.
Gabriel Mercer: Millions? In the Powwow Safe?
Rudy Duncan: Millions.
"And a nice little surprise that you'll get to see later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gabriel tells Rudy as Nick that they don't need him anymore and threaten to kill him again because he won't be able to help them out. He tells him he gets in, he'll be able to help them out.
Gabriel Mercer: You walk in there, they recognize you.
Pug (Played by Donal Logue): So what?
Gabriel Mercer: If they recognize him, they'll remember him when the job goes down.
Rudy Duncan: They won't recognize me. Trust me.
Merlin: Why not?
Rudy Duncan: Because you're gonna get me a disguise.
"Don't worry. I know the perfect guy who would get you a disguise. That dude is a master of disguise." Sean said as a picture of Chevy Chase in Fletch is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) They head down to a motel and Rudy and Ashley have some alone time together while he's handcuffed to the bed.
Rudy Duncan: Get your own room, Ashley.
Ashley Mercer: Let me help you.
Rudy Duncan: Get your own room!
"When I tell you to get your own room, I mean get your own damn room. I am not in the mood to have sex with you." Sean said as he imitates Rudy.
Rudy Duncan: How fucking stupid are you? Huh? What did you think was going to happen? The thing's going to be over, and he's just going to let me go? He's going to shoot me in the back of the head like this.
Sean: (V/O as Rudy) He's going to go all John Steinbeck on my ass!
Ashley Mercer: This is not just about you. You think he's just going to let me walk? You… you think he's not going to take this out on me, Nick?
Rudy Duncan: What do you want from me? Sympathy? I don't feel bad for you.
"That's exactly how I feel while watching this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ashley reveals that this is their first robbery. Well, that's just great. You have a bunch of gun runners doing their first robbery. Yeah, can you say world's dumbest criminals? Also, there's something that you notice very quickly about this movie is that every shot is at a dutch angle, a wide angle lens or a combination of both? Is this movie trying to be like Battlefield Earth with it's dutch angle shots? Christ, when I mention Battlefield Earth, I get a fucking headache.
Rudy Duncan: Get your own room. Go! Leave!
Ashley Mercer: Fine… but if I told you what he wanted, you would've been gone. You would've gotten on that bus, and you would've stayed on it.
"Honey, if he did, then the movie would end quickly." Sean said.
Ashley Mercer: And if that makes me selfish, then I am selfish. If that makes me a liar… God… I am a liar.
"Don't worry, we'll come back to that line later on. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They drive to the casino with Rudy disguised as… (sees Rudy disguised as a cowboy) Oh Jesus.
Rudy Duncan: A cowboy? You're sending me into an Indian casino dressed like a cowboy? Thought this through entirely?
"Well, you could go in as either Daredevil or Batman but people won't take you seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They head inside the Tomahawk Casino, where we're introduced to my favorite character of the movie Jack Bangs, played by the late, great Dennis Farina. Bangs is the manager of the Tomahawk Casino and he's originally from Vegas and he's hired by the Native American owners of this roadside casino in Michigan to give it some Vegas flair and he tries to win over the Indian tribe.
Jack Bangs (Played by Dennis Farina): Now look, you guys hired me because you wanted Las Vegas quality. I brought it to you. You wanted Las Vegas press. I gave that to you. But I cannot give you Las Vegas profits until you people get together around a campfire, smoke a pipe and do some kind of fucking spirit dance about this goddamn snow.
"Dude, you're doing a good job at trying to win my people over. Hey, while you're at it, why don't you tell them that you got some tickets to the Lions/Bears game from a scalper. Hell, why don't you sing "What Makes the Red Man Red" just to get on their good side?" Sean asked.
Young Governor (Played by Lee Jay Bamberry): Mr. Bangs.
Jack Bangs: We're doing the right thing here…
Young Governor: Mr. Bangs, the tribe is concerned that many of your new ideas are not bringing in any new revenues.
Jack Bangs: I'm putting liquor into drinks. I'm paying ten times odds on craps, and I've got the girls showing 16% more skin. And by the way, you show me another buffet that offers both Coke and Pepsi. Don't even bother looking, because it doesn't exist. Okay, so, now, what else do you people want me to do?
(We then cut to the the Old Governor and the Young Governor leaving the Tomahawk Casino)
Jack Bangs: I was just thinking maybe you fellas would like to stick around you know, try the $5.99 prime rib.
"$5.99 for prime rib? I would rather go to Smith & Wollensky to get me a prime rib for $75. But $5.99, it better be some damn good prime rib." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy is grabbing some drinks at a bar and Jack starts up a conversation with him.
Jack Bangs: Hey, listen. Listen, now. You look like an intelligent fellow.
"No, no. No, I don't think he's an intelligent fellow in this movie." Sean said.
Jack Bangs: How'd you hear about us? Radio, TV, cable?
Rudy Duncan: Prison. Prison.
"He heard about the $5.99 prime rib and that you guys have both Coke and Pepsi. Who has both Coke and Pepsi?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy spots Merlin in the casino with a random Ashton Kutcher cameo… (notices Ashton Kutcher) what the fu…? Anyway, he swaps clothes with the college student to make his escape from the bad guys after Merlin learns from the waitress that the Tomahawk didn't have a makeover. So, they go after him to kill his lying ass.
(Rudy runs into the woods while Merlin, Pug and Jumpy chase him)
Merlin: Keep on running, Romeo! Keep on running!
Sean: (V/O as Merlin) Welcome to Hell, motherfucker! And yes, I'm referencing Tales from the Hood because I was in that movie!
(Rudy sees a car and tries to get the driver's attention)
Rudy Duncan: Help! Help! Help!
Gabriel Mercer: (Sees Rudy) He thinks he's getting away.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, you fucking idiot! Why would you try to get help from the person who's trying to kill you? Ashley and Gabriel roll down the hill and Rudy knocks him out and the two of them run for their lives, but not until they find themselves on thin ice.
(Ashley falls through the frozen lake)
Rudy Duncan: Oh, shit!
"Dude, forget about the girl. Just leave! No need to be jumping in that frozen lake, it is danger…" Sean said.
(Rudy jumps in the frozen lake to save Ashley)
"...I hate you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy saves Ashley, but he ends up getting captured by Gabriel and his men. But some guy who was doing some ice fishing spots them and asks to see if they need any help.
Ice Fisherman (Played by Ron Perkins): You folks need some help?/Hey, I say, you need some help?
Rudy Duncan: (Slurred) Get out of here, man!
Merlin: (To Rudy) Shut the fuck up!
Rudy Duncan: Look, man, get the fuck out of here!
Ice Fisherman: Well… if you need some help…
(The ice fisherman makes a run for his fishing hut. Gabriel shoots at the hut multiple times and enters, only to find the ice fisherman is still alive and badly wounded)
Ice Fisherman: Jesus… please. I'm just a farmer. I got a wife and family.
"Yeah, knowing Gabriel, he doesn't give a fuck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gabriel kills the ice fisherman and they take Rudy back to the motel, where they play a little game of darts. But in Rudy's condition of having hypothermia, he can't play. So, Gabriel has his own little game of darts.
(Gabriel throws a dart at the wall, missing Rudy)
Rudy Duncan: Jesus Christ, man, he thought I was some gambler.
(Gabriel throws another dart, missing Rudy once more)
Rudy Duncan: He didn't know me, man! (While Gabriel throws another dart at him) He didn't recognize me! Jesus Christ!
"And it's all fun and games until it becomes the world's most deadliest game of darts." Sean said.
"I've heard of a dartboard of hate, but really." Brian said.
Gabriel Mercer: Nick... I've been trying to hit you.
(Gabriel throws a dart and manages to hit Rudy in the chest. Rudy screams in pain while Merlin laughs. Gabriel throws another dart at Rudy and hits him in the shoulder)
Gabriel Mercer: Because I do not deserve to be in some shitbag motel in the middle of bumfuck Michigan throwing darts at a worthless... (Hits Rudy with another dart) fucking convict!
(Gabriel throws two more darts at Rudy)
"Okay, I have to admit. I did laugh at that scene because his pain gives me pleasure." Sean said, smiling from watching the scene.
Sean: (Narrating) After turning Rudy into a human dartboard, Gabriel gives him one more chance. Again, world's dumbest criminals. They return him to Ashley and she tends to his wounds and keep him warm. Also, she is thankful that he saved her life.
Ashley Mercer: Why did you save me?
Rudy Duncan: Be... the guy I was in with, Rudy the car thief... sometimes I read him your letters. I mean, I know they were private, but... you know...he'd... I'd read them to him, and he'd... get this look on his face.
"The look on your face when you saw your dead cellmate's girl. You know, I think you need to have a dart thrown at your head." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy tells Ashley that they got to find a way to get him a gun so they can get rid of Gabriel, which would involve Rudy helping Gabriel and his boys out with the robbery.
Rudy Duncan: We need to find a way to make me a part of this.
Ashley Mercer: A part of what? A part... a part of them?
Rudy Duncan: Look, Ash, if we're helping them with the robbery, we got to be doing more than just walking away like that's winning, like that's some kind of Christmas fucking bonus.
Ashley Mercer: You mean take the money?
Rudy Duncan: Yeah. Take the money.
"Oh yeah, that'll keep them out of our hair. You know, I should throw a dart at your balls for that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They take Rudy to Gabriel so they can get him to look at the map and Rudy starts acting like a smart ass, resulting in the funniest reaction from Merlin.
Merlin: (Grabs a sledgehammer to go after Rudy) You want it? Let's go!
(Pug and Jumpy hold Merlin back)
Merlin: Yeah. You want to keep playing, huh? Come on, let's get it on! Let me go!
Rudy Duncan: Calm down.
Merlin: You want to keep playing? I got a toy for you. Let me get my toy. (Grabs a Mossberg 500 shotgun) Yeah. Let's play!
Rudy Duncan: Hey, man. Hey.
Merlin: Shut up! Now you get your pussy ass over here and do what the fuck you're told!
"That reaction had me laughing when I watched that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy tells them what's on the map and what to do when they go into the casino and he tells Gabriel that he needs six men to do the job.
Gabriel Mercer: No.
Rudy Duncan: Look, man. I'm not making this shit up. You know? You go in there with five guys, you're going to either leave an exit unguarded or an alarm unguarded.
Gabriel Mercer: No.
Rudy Duncan: I know what I'm talking about. You... Raise your hand if you've ever done a robbery before.
(Rudy raises his hand while the others look at him)
Rudy Duncan: Anyone? Anyone? Whoever has done a robbery raise your hand. Okay. I have.
"Dude, you steal cars for a living. And you're asking these idiots who don't know how to do a robbery and this is their first time doing it. They're a bunch of truckers robbing a casino for the first time! Who do expect to rob a casino, Danny Ocean and his team?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Gabriel agrees to Rudy's terms and he shows them the outfits that they're planning on wearing for the robbery, a couple of Santa suits. After he finishes drawing the map and gives it to Jumpy so he can give it to Gabriel, Rudy uses the ends on one of the darts thrown at him and uses it as a screwdriver to escape from his restraints...
"MacGyver is much more intelligent than this dunderhead!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) While he's on his way to escape, Rudy hears Ashley screaming inside the motel pool, and we get the most clever and surprising twist of the film. Turns out that Ashley is not the sweet, innocent girl that she is. Oh, no. Turns out that she's the mastermind behind this robbery. And remember when I told you that Ashley and Gabriel are siblings? Well, it turns out that Ashley and Gabriel are not siblings, they're lovers.
"Can we play that clip from earlier?" Sean asked.
(Cut back to an earlier scene)
Ashley Mercer: If that makes me a liar... God... I am a liar.
"Why the fuck you lying? Why you always lying? Ooh, oh my God. Stop the fucking lying." Sean sang.
Ashley Mercer: Gabriel, he wants to help now. He wants to rob it. He wants to rob you.
"Uh, yeah. There are a million ways to rob a casino, but this one makes no goddamn sense." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I do have to give this movie some props with this reveal. It convinced us that she was the sweet, innocent and dumb sister who didn't know any better until later on in the film it's revealed that she's a conniving bitch who deceived Rudy. Yeah, no wonder this film's original title is Deception because you see who's lying to who. Anyway, Rudy is unable to escape from his captors and he has no choice but to help them out with the robbery. They give him a gun, which is a squirt gun and he uses it to fill it up with liquor, which will be pretty useful later on for something very creative.
(Rudy squirts some liquor in his mouth)
Pug: Hey, hey! Thirsty! (Grabs the bottle from out of Rudy's hand) This diversion you're doing, you'd better do it just the way Monster planned, or there ain't going to be no more rest of your life.
"Don't worry, he's just selling them guns filled with liquor. So, that's where Frank Reynolds got the idea from." Sean said as a photo of Frank Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) They all head down to the Tomahawk Casino and you guessed it, they come in all dressed as Santa.
Rudy Duncan: (To the guard) No more toys for the kiddies, but we do have charitable donations.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I would watch a comedy with these actors in it all dressed as Santa and they pull off the perfect heist dressed as Santa. Hell, it's like a comedy with me and Jake Bongiovi in it and we play two ex-cons dressed as Santa and Rudolph. (A mock poster with Sean, dressed as Santa, and Jake Bongiovi, dressed as Rudolph with a red nose and antlers superimposed on him is shown with the title of the movie "Rudy & Nick" followed by the tagline "They'll Go Down In History!")
Jack Bangs: (Notices two more men dressed as Santa entering the casino) There you go. That's what I like to see. Now, that's the spirit.
Security Boss (Played by Franklin Dennis Jones): Jack, is there a union for department store Santas?
Jack Bangs: Hey, who the fuck knows?
"Oh, I'm pretty sure that five men dressed as Santa Claus while armed to the teeth doesn't look that suspicious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy goes off on an old man at the poker table and tackles him, this is part of the diversion as Gabriel enters the security room. And this is where the movie gets pretty exciting as we see these guys rob a casino and getting into a shootout with the security guards. I'm pretty sure that they're gonna succeed in their first robbery.
(Pug shoots the door to the count room and kicks it open)
Pug: Oh.
(Pug gets gunned down by the guards in the count room)
"I said it before and I'll say it again… WORLD'S DUMBEST CRIMINALS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Ashley crashes through the entrance to the casino and shows her true colors to Rudy and they take the money from the count room. They take him up to Bangs' office for the Powwow Safe where Bangs is told that Rudy is Nick Cassidy and Rudy knows how this is going to go down and he takes a good look at his face and he confirms that Rudy is not Nick Cassidy.
Rudy Duncan: (Laughs) That's the story of your life, Ash. You fucked the wrong guy. Rudy Duncan, honey. We still gonna spend Christmas together?
Ashley Mercer: You fucking bastard!
"Yeah, you see that? I lied to you right in front of your face like you lied to me in this little game of deception. Lick it up, baby! Lick it up!" Sean exclaimed while imitating Rudy.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, there is the little matter of the Powwow Safe, though. Which is actually true and it is behind the liquor cabinet. So, Bangs opens it and gives them a little surprise.
Rudy Duncan: Pow… wow.
Jack Bangs: Powwow.
(Bangs wields an IMI Uzi and a Cobray M11/9 submachine guns as he guns down Jumpy)
Sean: (V/O as Jack Bangs) Say hello to my little friend, bitches!
Jack Bangs: Hey, Santa Claus! Welcome to the Tomahawk!
"Okay, that line was worth it! We've found the most badass line in action movie history! Let's play it again." Sean said.
Jack Bangs: Hey, Santa Claus! Welcome to the Tomahawk!
Sean: (Narrating) Bangs goes guns a-blazing on Gabriel and Ashley as they retreat while in the meantime Rudy fights Merlin. And you remember that squirt gun filled with liquor? Well…
(Merlin lights up a cigarette and Rudy shoots the squirt gun at Merlin, setting him on fire)
"Holy shit! We get the most creative death in the movie. I told you this climax gets exciting." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rudy gets captured again by Gabriel and Ashley and they're gonna try to make it look like that he burned up in a car accident with the money, but it turns out Ashley wants the money all to herself.
Gabriel Mercer: Ash?
Rudy Duncan: How'd she know?
Ashley Mercer: Jesus Christ. Men.
(Ashley shoots Gabriel. Gabriel tries to craw for his gun but Ashley grabs it and shoots Gabriel in the head)
"What the heck? Huh? What's going on?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And here, we get another twist in the movie and this is where I am going to rant about it. Just watch.
(A person starts whistling Silver Bells. Ashley starts whistling as well. We see someone walking and it is revealed to be Nick, who's still alive)
Nick Cassidy: Merry Christmas, Rudy.
"What… the… hell?! Nick is alive? But didn't he get stabbed by Alamo in prison and he died?" Sean asked. "This is where I explain this twist."
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Nick is alive and he's in on the heist. Also, him and Ashley are lovers. And her name is not "Ashley Mercer", her real name is "Millie Bobeck". Yep, she's Nick's girlfriend before he went to prison for murdering somebody and she was a waitress at a bar and she used to serve drinks to Gabriel and his men. And remember when he took a shiv for Rudy, turns out he paid Alamo to slash him with a shiv and he used a blood capsule to make it look like he's dying.
"THIS TWIST IS THE MOST STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is one of the stupidest twists ever. You can tell me he was Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and all this is to look for gold and I would buy that shit and this is the direction they're going for?! Then you have failed miserably!
Rudy Duncan: (Scoffs) How many things could have gone wrong? Huh? A thousand?
Nick Cassidy: You think we don't know what a longshot is? Huh?
"Uh, there's longshot and there's sheer fucking stupidity. This is sheer fucking stupidity!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, fuck this noise. Let's get to the fucking finale. Rudy hotwires the car and puts it in reverse, crushing Nick's legs. He then rams Ashley, I mean Millie, with the burning car and drops the bitch off the cliff. Nick tries to convince Rudy to share the money, but Rudy has enough of being deceived and drops the truck down the cliff, killing Nick. So, what about the money? Well, Rudy returns the money to it's rightful owners…
(Rudy puts money in people's mailboxes)
Sean: (Narrating) …or just give it to people in need. And he makes due on his promise as he returns to Signaw to join his family for some Christmas dinner. The end.
"And that was Reindeer Games. Despite it's stupid-ass twist at the end, I did have a lot of fun watching this movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, it has some of it's moments with some of the choices being made by the characters, it had some pretty stupid moments but it's so bad that it's good and I happen to enjoy it. It entertained me and it gets my attention. It has some silly moments that made me laugh and the actors are enjoyable. Hell, Charlize Theron said in an interview with Esquire back in 2007 and she said that she considered this movie to be the worst movie she ever did, but she did it because she loved John Frankenheimer. In a bizarre way, I am recommending this movie because you will have a lot of fun watching it. It's not a very good Christmas movie, but an enjoyable one. This is a movie that you should definitely check out. Reindeer Games comes in at 3 roached in the Jell-O out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I will see you guys next time for the next Christmas review. Even though Christmas is in two days. Boy, that was quick. I still have time to review something Christmasy. And since I didn't get a chance to review the ones that I've planned on reviewing. Who knows? Maybe I'll review a good Christmas movie before the year ends, right? Right?" Sean asked.
(The screen cuts to black)
Sean: (Shocked) Oh, my God!
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Hey, Santa Claus! Welcome to the Tomahawk!
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Reindeer Games and it didn't take long for me to finish this review. And yes, I did have a lot of fun watching the film because it made me laugh. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the notoriously bad Christmas special, The Star Wars Holiday Special. God, I have a bad feeling about this. Then in January, I will be doing a new theme month. Here are the choices and the movies that will be part of the theme month,
Steven Seagal Month: Movies include Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Marked for Death, Out for Justice and On Deadly Ground.
Sequelitis Month II: The Sequeling: Includes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Rambo: First Blood Part II, The Rescuers Down Under, Home Alone 3 and Sonic the Hedgehog 2.
Star Trek Month: Movies include Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and the Star Trek episode Spock's Brain.
Which one should I work on for January? Make sure you review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you would like to do a co-review for a future chapter with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.