The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. It's Week 3 of Star Trek Month and Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to do the impossible… he's going to do a co-review with Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek and what are they going to review? Well, they're going to review Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, one of the worst Star Trek movies of all-time. Will this movie go where no man has gone before? Here's a quick spoiler: no. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one because you're gonna be expecting some epic ranting from these guys. Here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Star Trek Month Part III: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
(We are shown the Star Trek Month logo, then we cut to Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek, dressed and acting like Sean, sitting on the couch in Sean's living room)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome back to Star Trek Month. Since we've taken a look at a really good Star Trek movie, it's about time to review a bad Star Trek movie and I mean a really bad Star Trek movie." Caleb said, mimicking Sean. "Today, we shall boldly go where hundreds of reviewers have already gone before. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier."
(The title screen for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is shown followed by clips from the movie while the main theme composed by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
Caleb: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 9th, 1989. Yeah, it was a great year for movies like Batman, Ghostbusters II, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, License to Kill and Lethal Weapon 2. It was the year of Summer blockbusters. So, the Star Trek franchise was riding pretty high. You have three very successful films and The Next Generation was on the air and it was entering it's third season. Everything was going great, until Star Trek V shat the bed.
"And BOY! Am I not looking forward to this stupid movie one bit!" Caleb exclaimed.
"What the hell are you doing in my house?!" A voice asked.
Caleb's eyes widened in surprise as he turned around to see the real Sean, standing in the doorway while holding a can of Mountain Dew Pitch Black in his hand as he glares at Caleb without a word.
"Hey, Sean! How are you? Long time no see, huh?" Caleb asked while Sean still glares at him without saying a word. "Okay, I, uh, you're probably wondering what I-I'm doing here."
Sean continues to glare at Caleb without saying a single word.
"Well, see, the thing is that, I review Sci-Fi stuff and you review movies of any category, and since doing Star Trek Month and you're reviewing a Star Trek movie and Star Trek is up my alley, you'll probably have a Star Trek fan giving out information…" Caleb said.
While Caleb continues to explain himself, Sean reaches behind his back and pulls out his Beretta 92FS Inox pistol and points it at the critic.
"And you got a gun. Okay, I think I should just leave right now." Caleb said.
"DON'T YOU DARE! You started this stupid review and you've been hounding me to review a Star Trek movie with me and now we're gonna do it together! But first, GET OUT OF THOSE CLOTHES!" Sean screamed out.
"Oh, come on. You wouldn't dare shoot me." Caleb said.
Sean fires his pistol up in the air, hitting the ceiling and scaring Caleb before pointing the gun at him.
"OUT!" Sean hollered.
"Alright, alright! I'll change into something else!" Caleb exclaimed as he starts running offscreen while Sean makes his way over to the couch to sit down.
"Alright. Now that I've got that little problem situated. Let's go ahead and continue Star Trek Month with… um, what am I reviewing again?" Sean asked.
(The movie's title screen is shown once again)
"OH, BARNACLES!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. We all know about Star Trek V. This is the one that almost killed the franchise. It had some good ideas, but the way it was executed was done poorly. It had some good moments, but some of these moments were dumb and questionable. When I saw this movie when I was a kid, I enjoyed it and this was my go-to Star Trek movie. But since I'm older now and when I take a look at it, I begin to think to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?". Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. "Ugh, another review of Star Trek V? Been there, done that, we know it sucks. Either review Star Trek VI already or kindly piss off." But, I want you to bear with me for just a second because you're about to see something that's not been seen before, a positive review for this movie.
"Woah, woah, woah! You're going to defend this movie?" Caleb asked, while wearing a Starfleet uniform.
"Uh, yeah. Look, I know it sucks but it fits in the "So Bad, It's Good" category. I still do like it. If you want me to list off everything that this movie did wrong, we'll be here till St. Patrick's Day. I'm sure that there are people who are fans of this movie…" Sean said.
"Siskel & Ebert gave this movie two thumbs down when they reviewed the movie." Caleb said.
"There might be some redeeming qualities to it. See, Star Trek V is like 2 Girls, One Cup. Sure the film begins with it's nice music and everything and it looks alright, but we begin to realize what we're in store for when we see…" Sean said.
(The scene where Uhura does a naked fan dance is shown)
"...yeah. Okay, that's a bad example. Look, I'm just here to have some fun and talk about what is honestly one of my favorite movies from my childhood. I'm ashamed to admit it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) First off, let's get this little info out of the way, the movie was directed by William Shatner and it was also written by Shatner along with Passenger 57 writer David Loughery and producer Harve Bennett. Now, the story for The Final Frontier was based on an idea Shatner came up with before officially got the job as director. He have become fascinated with televangelists which he found repulsive and wrote a Star Trek story with the villain based on those clowns.
"Let's just hope I don't get any hateful comments from Trekkies who hate the film and want me to get tortured by the Cardassians…" Sean said.
"They didn't exist until Star Trek: The Next Generation. They first appeared in the season four episode The Wounded…" Caleb said.
"God, I regret doing this co-review with you." Sean said as he does a facepalm while getting irritated with Caleb. "This is Star Trek V."
(The movie begins as we see a scavenger named J'onn digging holes in a field and we see a caption that says "Nimbus III in the Neutral Zone)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens on the desert planet Nimbus III in the Neutral Zone and the movie kindly let's us know that Nimbus III is "The Planet of Galactic Peace". Yeah, if this is the "Planet of Galactic Peace", then the Upside Down sounds like a lovely place to live in.
Caleb: (Narrating) We see a scavenger named J'onn, played by Rex Holman, is busy digging some holes.
Sean: (Narrating) Probably this movie's plot holes…
"Okay, that pun was bad. You should be ashamed of yourself." Caleb said.
"I know." Sean said, looking down at his feet in shame.
Caleb: (Narrating) But then J'onn stops digging as he begins to notice a mysterious rider on horseback.
(J'onn looks up from his digging to see a mysterious horseman approaching him in slow motion through the dust clouds. The low timpani music plays in the background as we see the horseman approaching J'onn. The low timpani music appears frequently as J'onn grabs his rifle and prepares to use it. The scene then cuts to a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail as we see Sir Lancelot, played by John Cleese, stabbing a guard at a gate heroically)
Sybok (Played by Laurence Luckinbill): I thought weapons were forbidden on this planet. (Dismounts from his horse and approaches J'onn) Besides, I can't believe you'd kill me for a field of empty holes.
J'onn (Played by Rex Holman): All I have.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that this mysterious rider is a Vulcan named Sybok, played by Laurence Luckinbill and he's the best part about the movie. Sybok is a renegade Vulcan who went against his people and abandoned logic in favor of emotion.
"Fun fact: originally, they wanted Sean Connery to play the part of Sybok and he would've been awesome to play the role. But, he was busy working on Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at the time and was unavailable. But on the bright side, they really lucked out with Luckinbill." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background. "Get it? "Lucked out with Luckinbill"? Oh, man! I kill myself."
"Oh, shut up, Bonaduce!" Caleb exclaimed.
Caleb: (Narrating) Sybok has the power to take a person's pain away, which he uses to have them join his cause.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, more like brainwashing.
Caleb: (Narrating) Technically, it's not brainwashing. He's helping people confront the pain of their past and help break free from it.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, if that's not brainwashing, then I'm dating Millie Bobby Brown.
J'onn: How can I repay you for this miracle?
Sybok: Join my quest.
J'onn: What is it you seek?
Sybok: What you seek. What all men have sought since time began. The ultimate knowledge.
"Yeah, like you would find that in a film Shatner directed." Sean said.
(Cut to the opening credits)
Caleb: (Narrating) We then cut to the opening credits and we get the return of Jerry Goldsmith composing the music. He's no stranger to Star Trek since he composed the music for the first film and it's a nice return to hear the iconic theme. And as much as we talk shit about this movie, we can both agree that Goldsmith's music score is amazing.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I wonder if it confused people who are fans of The Next Generation since it used that same fanfare for the show. It confused me when I was young when I heard the theme music in the first film. You had a movie and a television show in the same universe with the exact same music and completely different casts. And yes, I know that Star Trek: The Motion Picture came out before The Next Generation came into existence, so don't remind me. I already knew that.
(Cut to Yosemite National Park on Earth and we see Captain Kirk climbing El Capitan)
Caleb: (Narrating) We then cut to Yosemite National Park, we see that Kirk is climbing El Capitan. Turns out that Kirk and his crew are on shore leave.
"The ego on this guy. He's climbing El Capitan and he's the captain." Caleb said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background. "Get it? Huh? Huh?"
"Dude, leave the bad puns to me." Sean said.
(As Kirk continues to climb El Capitan, McCoy watches from below)
McCoy (Played by DeForest Kelley): "You'll have a great time, Bones. You'll enjoy your shore leave. You'll be able to relax." You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck. If I'm not careful, I'll end up talking to myself.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Kirk is climbing his own ego and enjoying the view, Spock greets the Captain, while resorting to wearing hoverboots that he ordered from the Acme Catelog.
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): Uh, Captain? I do not think you realize the gravity of your situation.
(Kirk's hand slips off of a rock and he looks down)
Kirk (Played by William Shatner): On the contrary. Gravity is foremost on my mind. Look, I'm trying to make an ascent here. Why don't you go pester Dr. McCoy for a while?
Spock: I believe that Dr. McCoy is not in the best of moods.
McCoy: Goddamn irresponsible… playing games with life.
"I agree with Dr. McCoy here, Kirk is getting too old for this shit and William Shatner is almost in his 60s." Caleb said.
Spock: Concentration is vital. You must be one with the rock.
Kirk: Spock, I appreciate your concern, but if you don't stop distracting me, I'm liable to be one to… (Slips off the mountain and falls while yelling) FALL!
(Spock uses his levitation boots to dive after him and we get a bad blue screen effect)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) SAVE ME, BAD BLUE SCREEN EFFECT!
(Spock saves Kirk at the last minute)
"Well, good thing Spock was there to save him as well as the wire that's holding him. Yeah, points off for showing the wire holding him, movie." Sean said.
Caleb: (Narrating) We cut to Paradise City, the only settlement of Nimbus III…
"Take me down to the Paradise City, where the Klingons get drunk and Romulans are pretty!" Sean sings to the tune of Guns 'n Roses' song.
"Oh, really now? Did you have to sing it?" Caleb asked.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist." Sean said as he chuckled a bit.
Caleb: (Narrating) …as we cut to a scuzzy bar in this only settlement of the planet where we see that… (Starts to notice a dancing cat lady with three boobs dancing on the bar) God! Jesus! What the hell am I looking at here?! Yeah, did we mention that Shatner wrote this as well? So anyway, a Terran, a Romulan and a Klingon walk into a bar.
"I cannot believe that you said that!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So it turns out that these three are the representatives of Nimbus III and it consists of St. John Talbot played by the late David Warner, Klingon General Korrd played by Charles Cooper and Romulan Caithlin Dar played by Cynthia Gouw. So these three watch over this shithole planet and they hang out at a bar that contains a dancing cat lady with three tits.
(A clip from the movie Paul is shown)
Agent Zoil (Played by Jason Bateman): Three tits? That's awesome.
Caleb: (Narrating) Anyway, they're here to drop an exposition dump. Well, the Terran and the Romulan, but the Klingon gets drunk off of his ass. Aren't you part of a proud warrior race? And yet, they find the one worthless drunk from Kronos to be the representative. And I don't blame him. I don't want to be stuck here on this planet with a dancing cat lady with three boobies.
Caithlin Dar (Played by Cynthia Gouw): Twenty years ago, our three governments agreed to develop this planet together. A new age was born.
St. John Talbot (Played by David Warner): Our new age died a quick death. And the settlers we conned into coming here, they were the dregs of the galaxy.
"Yeah, and look what happened to your planet now. You got rid of weapons and people made their own weapons by using rocks and it turned into a barren wasteland with nothing better to do. So much for being the planet of galactic peace." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Sybok and his followers interrupt their meeting and they overrun the city and they hold the three representatives hostage.
St. John Talbot: Prisoners? We're already prisoners here on this worthless lump of rock. What possible value could we be to you?
Sybok: Nimbus III may be a worthless lump of rock, but it does have one unique treasure. It's the only place in the entire galaxy that has the three of you.
Caithlin Dar: I don't know who you are, or what you want, but I can tell you this. Our governments will stop at nothing to ensure our safety.
Sybok: That's exactly what I'm counting on.
"Uh, yeah. Hate to break it to you, lady. But they could only afford the Federation and the Klingons for this movie and they don't have the budget to add the Romulans so you're shit out of luck, babe." Sean said.
(The next scene cuts to spacedock, with reused footage from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)
Caleb: (Narrating) And speaking of this movie on a budget, we cut to reused footage from the ending to Star Trek IV as we see that Scotty is working on the repairs of the new Enterprise-A. Turns out the Enterprise has the same budget as this movie because half the doors on the ship were malfunctioning and several control interfaces did not work. And to top it all off, the transporter is nonfunctional, which means that they have to use shuttles.
"So much for the Enterprise being well-operational in the last film because it would've ended differently." Caleb said.
(Cut to the ending of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)
Kirk: Let's see what she's got.
(The Enterprise gets ready to enter warp drive, but then we cut to a clip of the Enterprise exploding in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock)
"New and improved, my ass." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I didn't know that Scotty and Uhura are into each other. How did that even happen? Do we get an explanation to how it happened or maybe it's just the screenwriters' attempt at pairing them off as a romantic couple. I mean, it worked with Lucas and Max on Stranger Things.
(A picture of Lucas and Max from Stranger Things is shown)
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): (Touches Scotty's face) I had a feeling you would say something like that. So I brought us dinner.
Scotty (Played by James Doohan): Oh, lassie, you're the most understanding woman I know.
Sean: (V/O as Scotty) Remind me to tap that sweet ass of yours in my quarters, later on.
Computer: Red… Red… Red alert.
(The red alert system goes off)
Computer: Red alert.
Scotty: I just fixed that damn thing.
"I said it before and I'll say it again. New and improved, my ass." Caleb said.
Caleb: (Narrating) The Enterprise is informed by Starfleet that they have a priority seven situation in the Neutral Zone. So what are our heroes doing now? Well, they're sitting by the campfire eating beans. Oh, boy. We're in Blazing Saddles territory here.
McCoy: These are from an old Southern recipe handed down to me by my father. And if you stick your Vulcan nose up at these, you're not only insulting me, but generations of McCoys.
Spock: In that case, I have little choice but to sample your beans. (Sits down and starts eating it) Mmm. Surprisingly good. It does have a flavoring I'm not familiar with.
McCoy: Ah. That's the secret ingredient.
Kirk: You got any more of that secret ingredient, Bones?
McCoy: (Reaches behind his back pocket and pulls out a bottle of bourbon) Be my guest.
(McCoy hands the bottle to Kirk)
Kirk: Thank you.
Spock: Am I to understand that your secret ingredient is alcohol?
McCoy: Whiskey. Tennessee whiskey, Spock. You care for a little snort?
Kirk: Bourbon and beans, an explosive combination.
"Okay, now it's turning into a scene from Blazing Saddles. You're gonna have the three of them farting in the middle of the campfire. Now, all you gotta add is Slim Pickens and we're good to go." Sean said.
(McCoy takes a swig of bourbon)
McCoy: You know, you two could drive a man to drink.
Kirk: Me? What did I do?
McCoy: What did you do? You really piss me off, Jim.
"Oooookay. Can somebody take the bottle away from McCoy? I think he's had enough." Caleb said.
McCoy: Maybe it didn't cross that macho mind of yours, but you should've been killed when you fell off that mountain.
Kirk: It crossed my mind.
McCoy: And?
Kirk: And, even as I fell, I knew I wouldn't die.
McCoy: (Looks at Spock) I thought he was the only one who's immortal.
Kirk: Oh, no. It isn't that. I knew I wouldn't die because the two of you were with me.
Spock: I do not understand.
Kirk: I've always known I'll die alone.
"And you want to know what's eerily prophetic? In real life, DeForest Kelley and Leonard Nimoy both died and William Shatner is still kickin' it in his '90s. In the movie universe…" Sean said.
(A clip from Star Trek: Generations is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) On Star Trek: Generations, Kirk did not die alone. In fact, he was with Captain Picard on Veridian III.
Caleb: (Narrating) God, I hated that movie.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, I happen to love that movie. So, shut the fuck up! Anyway, this is one of the best scenes of the movie. You have them philosophize about life and death around a campfire. That's pretty deep, even for a Star Trek movie. I wonder how this scene will lead up to.
Kirk: (Sees Spock preparing a marshmallow) What are you doing?
Spock: I am preparing to toast a marsh melon.
McCoy: Well, I'll be damned. A marsh melon.
"Well, here's something for the kiddies to have fun with. A marshmallow dispenser for you to put your Jet Puffed marshmallows in. You're practically advertising it for the film and pandering it to kids." Caleb said.
Spock: I believe we are require to engage in a ritual known as the sing-along.
Kirk: That's great. I haven't sung around a campfire since I was a boy in Iowa. What are we going to sing? What… Bones, what are we going to sing?
McCoy: How about Camptown Races?
Kirk: Pack Up Your Troubles./Moon Over Rigel VII.
McCoy: Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Kirk: Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I love Row… Do you know Row, Row, Row, Row, Row Your Boat?
"Uh, what?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Caleb: (Narrating) This is what that powerful scene is leading up to, folks. Singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Isn't this stuff gold?
Kirk: Doctor, if you please.
(McCoy clears his throat and sips his bourbon)
McCoy: Don't say I didn't warn you. (Starts singing) Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream./Merrily, merrily, merrily…
Kirk: (Joins in and sings) Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream.
Kirk and McCoy: (Both sing) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
"Well, let's sing along, folks!" Sean exclaimed.
(Sean and Caleb both start singing and dancing as a brief sing-along occurs with accompanying lyrics and the Federation symbol serving as the bouncing ball)
Sean and Caleb: (V/O while singing) Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream….
"Merrily, merrily, merrily…" Sean and Caleb both sang while Sean stops singing.
"Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop! Shut up!" Sean yelled as Caleb stops singing. "What the fuck are we doing?!"
Sean: (Narrating) Wasn't there a hostage situation going on in Nimbus III? So, why the hell are we sitting down around a campfire singing "Row, Row, Row Your Goddamn Boat"?"
Spock: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.
McCoy: It's a song, you green-blooded Vulcan. You sing it. The words aren't important. What's important is that you have a good time singing it.
Spock: I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time?
"No wonder Siskel & Ebert gave this movie two thumbs down." Sean said.
Caleb: (Narrating) We then cut to Klingon Bird of Prey in space, as we see a crazy Klingon by the name of Captain Klaa, played by Todd Bryant, who's just looking for something to shoot at. And you know how Klingons are, when they see something that they don't know what it is, they just shoot it.
(Klaa shoots at the probe Pioneer 10 with the turret and vaporizes it)
Klaa (Played by Todd Bryant): (In Klingonese) Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior's mettle.
"Isn't that what Gene Roddenberry said about the movie?" Caleb asked.
Sean: (Narrating) His first officer Vixis, played by Spice Williams-Crosby. That's Denise Crosby's half-sister-in-law.
"Wait, that's Denise Crosby's half-sister-in-law? The actress from Pet Sematary?" Caleb asked.
"Really? As a Trekkie, you'd probably recognize Denise Crosby as Tasha Yar and Sela in Star Trek: The Next Generation." Sean said.
"Well, that too." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) Vixis informs Klaa about the hostage situation going on in Nimbus III and that one of the hostages is a Klingon and the others are Terran and a Romulan, meaning that the Federation will be sending a ship of their own to rescue the Terran, giving Klaa the perfect opportunity to start shit with the Federation. Meanwhile, Uhura arrives on a shuttlecraft to pick up Kirk, Spock and McCoy and...
McCoy: (Wakes up from the Galileo's bright landing light) Get that damn light out of my face!
"And this is the line that got me in trouble when I was little because stupid me wanted to repeat the line. Thanks a lot, Bones." Sean said.
Uhura: Captain, we've received important orders from Starfleet Command.
Kirk: Why didn't you beep my communicator?
Uhura; You forgot to take it with you.
Kirk: Hmm. Wonder why I did that. Well, gentlemen, it appears shore leave has been canceled. Pack out your trash.
(As they leave, we get a bad visual effect shot of the Galileo shuttlecraft flying)
Caleb: (Narrating) Boy, the visual effects for this movie looked bad.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, and I thought Superman IV's visual effects were the worst. This is where I give out some important information to why the visual effects sucked on this movie. Industrial Light & Magic, who provided the visual effects for Star Trek II-IV were unavailable at the time because they were busy working on Ghostbusters II and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. So, they went with a different effects group. Bran Ferren of Associates & Ferren provided the visual effects for the movie and you can see why the visual effects look like they're less polished and made for television.
"So you have three movies with some spectacular visual effects and one movie with some horrible visual effects." Caleb said.
"One of these things is not like the other." Sean and Caleb both sang.
Kirk: "All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by"
McCoy: Melville.
Spock: John Masefield.
McCoy: Are you sure about that?
Spock: I am well versed in the classics, Doctor.
McCoy: Then how come you don't know Row, Row, Row Your Boat?
"Oh, great! We can start singing it! Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream." Caleb sang.
Sean starts to get irritated by Caleb singing the song as he picks up his pistol and points it directly at Caleb. The Sci-Fi Geek turns to Sean and stops singing after he sees the gun in Sean's hand.
"Will you shut up, goddamn it?!" Sean asked.
"Sorry." Caleb apologizes.
Scotty: All I can say is. they don't make them like they used to.
Kirk: You told me you could have this ship operational in two weeks. I gave you three. What happened?
Scotty: I think you gave me too much time, Captain.
Caleb: (Narrating) They return to the Enterprise and mind you that the ship has all sorts of problems that needed to be fixed and did we mention that the transporters aren't working? Why send the ship that's not operational? Is it me or is Starfleet run by a bunch of idiots?
Sean: (Narrating) Well, just one idiot. And it's the movie's producer, of course.
Caleb: (Narrating) (Recognizes the movie's producer, Harve Bennett as the Starfleet Chief of Staff) Oh, my God. You're right. I forgot that Harve Bennett had a cameo in this movie.
Starfleet Chief of Staff (Played by Harve Bennett): I apologize for canceling shore leave, but look, we have a dangerous situation out on Nimbus III.
Kirk: On the planet of galactic peace?
Starfleet Chief of Staff: The same. And from what we can make out, a terrorist force has captured the only settlement. And they've taken hostages. The Klingon, the Romulan, the Federation consuls. Now, I know Enterprise is not exactly up to specs...
Kirk: With all due respect, the Enterprise is a disaster. There must be other ships in the quadrant.
Starfleet Chief of Staff: Other ships, yes. But no experienced commanders. Captain, I need Jim Kirk.
Kirk: Oh, please.
"Uh, here's what you could do. Um, maybe you should get an experienced commander instead of Kirk, with a ship that's fully operational and send them out to get the hostages? It's not that hard. You make it act like he's the only captain that's best for the job. Plus, the ship is not operational. AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, THEIR TRANSPORTER IS NOT FUNCTIONING! You know, for a Starfleet Chief of Staff and producer, you sure are a dumbass!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) As Kirk and the Enterprise crew head down to Nimbus III, Klaa and his crew discover that the Enterprise is en route to Nimbus III, and since he's familiar with the Enterprise being Kirk's ship, Klaa figures that he wants to start some shit with Kirk.
Klaa: (In Klingonese) If I could defeat Kirk...
Vixis (Played by Spice Williams-Crosby): (In Klingonese) You would be the greatest warrior in the galaxy.
"Yeah, like you would try to defeat Kirk. Look at what happened to Khan and Kruge. They got their asses handed to them by Kirk and you think you would defeat him? Besides, you guys just want to start some shit with the Federation because that's how Klingons roll." Caleb said.
Caleb: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, KIrk receives the hostage tape sent from Nimbus III.
Caithlin Dar: (On viewscreen) A short time ago we surrendered ourselves to the forces of the Galactic Army of Light. At this moment, we are in their protective custody. Their leader assures us that we will be treated humanely as long as we cooperate with his demands. I believe his sincerity. He requests that you send a Federation starship to parlay for our release at once.
Sean: (V/O as Caithlin) And he also requests a Baconator and a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's and an autograph from Natalia Dyer.
Sybok: (On viewscreen) I deeply regret this desperate act but these are desperate times. I have no desire to harm these innocents but do not put me to the test. I implore you...
(The hostage footage is replace by footage from the Merrie Melodies short One Froggy Evening)
Michigan J. Frog (Voiced by William Roberts): (Sings) Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal.
(The footage is then replaced by footage from Stranger Things)
Eddie Munson (Played by Joseph Quinn): Chrissy, wake up! I don't like this! Chrissy, wake up!
(The footage is also replaced by footage from the Batman: The Animated Series episode Holiday Knights)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): A countdown of victims that will end at midnight, unless our dear Dark Knight stops me first. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) So, they arrive at Nimbus III and instead of using the transporter to beam down, they take a shuttle down to the planet to sneak in.
(We see the shuttle Galileo go down onto Nimbus III and fly past the camera as a bad special effect)
Sean: (Narrating) God, the effects are so friggin' bad!
Caleb: (Narrating) So while Kirk and his team are down on the planet's surface to sneak in like Rainbow Six, Chekov hais Paradise City and poses as the ship's commanding officer to distract Sybok. So while he's doing that, Kirk and his team get ready to sneak in, but they need a distraction.
(A rebel huddles near a fire to warm up)
Rebel #1: (Looks up after he hears singing) What?
(Uhura is on a hilltop with two moons behind her. She sings while performing an exotic dance)
"Oh, my God! NO!" Sean yelled out.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Why, Shatner? Why?!" Caleb yelled.
Rebel #1: What's that?
(The other rebels begin to notice)
Rebel #2: Damn!
Rebel #3: Is she naked? Is she naked?
Caleb: (Narrating) Why are we watching this? This is a scene featuring a 56-year-old Nichelle Nichols, doing a naked fan dance. What was Shatner thinking? I mean, my God! She's old enough to be my mother!
"Well, she does look good for her fifties." Sean said as Caleb turned to him in shock.
"What?!" Caleb asked.
"To answer your question: yes, yes I would tap that ass." Sean said.
"Ohhhh! Ugh! Yuck! That's an old lady, dude! That's disgusting!" Caleb exclaimed.
Caleb: (Narrating) I wonder why those guys are running up that hill. Not that they're horny, but because they want her to put something on.
Sean: (V/O as Rebel #1) Quick! Put some clothes on her! Joe, give me your robe!
Caleb: (V/O as Rebel #2) Are you crazy?! You give her your robe!
Sean: (V/O) I don't want to be naked!
Caleb: (V/O) I don't want to be naked, either!
Brian: (V/O as Rebel #3) Well, somebody better take something off before I end up shooting you!
(Two armed security guards jump in to aim their phasers at the rebels)
Uhura: Hello, boys. I've always wanted to play to a captive audience.
Sean: (V/O as Rebel #1) Damn! So much for getting laid.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and his crew ride into Paradise City on horseback, posing as the lookout party.
Kirk: Federation soldiers are right behind us! Close the gate!
J'onn: (Becomes suspicious) Where are they going?
Kirk: Spock.
Spock: Hold your horse, Captain.
"I'm sorry, but what did Spock say?" Sean asked.
Spock: Hold your horse, Captain.
"God, that line is so stupid! And only in a Star Trek movie." Sean said.
Kirk: Spock.
Spock: Hold your horse…
"Ah, ah, ah! Don't even play that back. We've already repressed it. It's gone. You play that clip again, all we're gonna see is…" Caleb said.
Kirk: Spock.
(An image of Millie Bobby Brown's head is superimposed over Spock's head)
Sean: (V/O as Millie) Do me, Captain.
"Can we do that with the Uhura fan dance, please?" Sean asked.
(Millie Bobby Brown's head is superimposed over Uhura's head in the naked fan dance scene)
"Eh, that'll do." Caleb said.
J'onn: (Shines a spotlight on Kirk and his team) Who are you?
Kirk: Phasers on stun. Get rid of the mounts. Sulu, take out that light.
Caleb: (Narrating) Kirk and his team are discovered by the terrorist group and all hell breaks loose.
(Sulu fires his phaser at the searchlight, starting up a battle inside the city)
Sybok: What's going on?
Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): (On viewscreen) I instruct you to surrender at once. You are under attack by superior Federation forces.
Sybok: Do you realize what you've done? It wasn't bloodshed I wanted!
Chekov: (On viewscreen) Wait! Come back!
(We cut back to the battle that's going on inside the city as Kirk gets off of his horse. One of the rebels charge at him and Kirk punches the man to knock him out)
"Hey, got to hand it to Shatner. He knows how to handle himself. It just goes to show that he may be old, but he can still kick your ass." Sean said.
(Cut to footage of Kirk beating up on the rebels)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Out of my way, bitch! (While another rebel charges at him) Seriously, you're trying to wrestle me? Get on the ground!
Caleb: (V/O as Rebel) Zuul, motherfu… AHHHHH!
(Kirk throws the rebel)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Piss off, bitch! William Ryker ain't got nothin' on me!
(A rebel jumps on Spock's horse. Spock then does the Vulcan nerve pinch on the horse, putting it down)
"And yes, you just witnessed Spock performing the Vulcan nerve pinch on a horse. Peta is going to be pissed." Caleb said.
(We cut to Kirk walking inside the darkened saloon. The cat lady with three boobs leaps on Kirk and attacks him)
"Well, you can cross that off of Shatner's bucket list. Picking a fight with a three-tittied cat lady. God, this movie is weird and I love it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk throws the cat lady in a shallow pool. Yeah, so much for assessing the situation. And him and Spock come across the hostages, but it turns out that they've been brainwashed and they hold Kirk and Spock hostage. With our heroes captured, Sybok and his followers cheer victoriously. But then Sybok recognizes Spock and he is happy to be reunited with him, but Spock is not to pleased. And don't worry, we'll get to the revelation later on because it is stupid and also Sybok's reason for wanting a starship because that's pretty stupid too.
Sybok: Spock. It's me. It's Sybok. After all these years you've finally caught up with me. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Spock: You are under arrest for seventeen violations of the Neutral Zone Treaty.
(Sybok and his followers start laughing)
Sybok: Spock, you've developed a sense of humor after all.
"That's not funny, you pointy-eared Sean Connery." Caleb said.
Caleb: (Narrating) Kirk reveals to Sybok that he's actually the captain of the Enterprise and not Chekov. Also, he tells Spock that he's been given a second chance to join him in his cause, but Spock refuses, so they're forced to fly Sybok back to the Enterprise while Klaa is right on their tail.
Talbot: Once we've taken control of your vessel, we'll bring up the rest of our followers.
Kirk: The Klingons are out there. We'll be lucky to get back to the ship ourselves.
Chekov: Galileo, this is Enterprise. Red Alert. Bird of Prey approaching, cloaked. Raising shields. Recommend Galileo find safe harbor until situation secure. Acknowledge.
Sybok: No! No reply. Remain on course.
Kirk: Sybok, listen to me. In order for this craft to enter the landing bay, Enterprise must lower the shields and activate the tractor beam. To get us inside and re-raise the shields will take...
Spock: Exactly 15.5 seconds.
Kirk: An eternity, during which we'll be vulnerable to Klingon attack. Korrd, you tell him.
Korrd (Played by Charles Cooper): He speaks the truth. If my people are cloaked, then they intend to strike.
"Uh, so why couldn't you just tell the guy who's pursuing the Enterprise to stand down? He's just wanting to pick a fight with someone. Just tell the man to stand down, you fat, worthless drunk!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But Kirk has a clever plan to escape from the Klingons.
Kirk: Standby to execute Emergency Landing Plan B.
Chekov: What's Emergency Landing Plan B?
Scotty: I don't have a clue.
Kirk: (On speaker) B, as in "barricade."
Scotty: He can't be serious.
"Knowing Kirk, he's crazy enough to do something like this." Caleb said.
(Galileo blasts into the Enterprise's shuttle bay and makes an imperfect landing inside)
We cut back to Sean and Caleb as they both hold up signs that read 9 and 9.5, rating the landing.
Caleb: (Narrating) Klaa fires at the Enterprise, but the Enterprise escapes in the nick of time from being blown to bits. After surviving a crash, Sybok wakes up as well as Kirk and he agrees to take him to the bridge, but not before he has a quick little tussle with him, which involves him throwing Kirk around like a ragdoll. Spock intervenes and points the gun at Sybok.
Spock: You must surrender.
Sybok: (Approaches Spock) No. You must kill me.
Kirk: (Yells) SHOOT HIM!
(Spock hesitates as Sybok grabs the gun away from his hand while the losing horn from The Price is Right plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) While Sybok continues to brainwash the crew by taking their pain away, Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken to the brig and Kirk is not too happy with Spock betraying the entire crew.
Spock: Worse. I have betrayed you. I do not expect you to forgive me.
Kirk: Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddamn ass.
"Isn't that what Leonard Nimoy said to William Shatner after the movie was released?" Sean asked.
(An image of Leonard Nimoy is shown with the following quote beside him: "Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddamn ass." -Leonard Nimoy to William Shatner)
Caleb: (Narrating) Spock then drops a little revelation to Kirk about him and Sybok and why he couldn't kill him. Turns out that Sybok is Spock's half-brother.
(A clip from Blazing Saddles is shown)
Buddy Bizarre (Played by Dom DeLuise): WRONG!
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this is what pissed off Trekkies and especially Gene Roddenberry. The revelation of Sybok being Spock's half-brother is stupid. Sure, it seems that Sarek fathered a child with some unnamed Vulcan princess before he met Amanda Grayson. It would be a big deal, but if you remove this detail from the movie, it makes it pointless. Roddenberry hated the idea of Sarek banging some other woman before Amanda. But then again, he did have a cameo in Strange New Worlds, so that's canon.
Caleb: (Narrating) And just when you think things get really dumb, well here it is and why Sybok is the king of Star Trek idiots. The reason why Sybok needs the Enterprise. Turns out he claims that he's looking for God, literally. I don't mean that in an abstract sense, I actually mean find the guy and have a chat with him. And guess where God's been hiding out at, in the center of the galaxy, where he will find the legendary planet known as Sha Ka Ree.
Sybok: My brothers, we have been chosen to undertake the greatest adventure of all time, the discovery of Sha Ka Ree./Our destination, the planet Sha Ka Ree. It lies beyond the Great Barrier at the center of the galaxy.
Kirk: The center of the galaxy?
Spock: Where Sha Ka Ree is fabled to exist.
Kirk: But the center of the galaxy can't be reached. No ship has ever gone into the Great Barrier. No probe has ever returned.
"God, Sybok's plan is really stupid. I hate to say this but he just turned into the Star Trek version of Kirk Cameron." Caleb said.
"OH, GOD! NO!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, Sybok has gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, also it's impenetrable. But Sybok insists it can be done.
"Jesus, no wonder he's number one on the list of idiots on Star Trek. Hell, this dude is made into a friggin' meme!" Sean exclaimed.
(A picture of Sybok is shown with the caption "Share Your Butthurt and Gain Strength From the Sharing")
"Yeah. It's that bad." Sean said.
(Scotty blows a large hole into the wall of the brig Kirk, Spock and McCoy are in)
Caleb: (Narrating) Scotty manages to break them out of the brig and tells them where they can get a distress signal. But in order to avoid the search party, they can get to the observation lounge by accessing the turboshaft, since it's closed for repairs.
Kirk: Mr. Scott, you're amazing!
Scotty: There's nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand.
(As Scotty turns and walks off in self-congratulation, he knocks himself out on an overhanging pipe)
Sean and Caleb both break down in laughter from witnessing Scotty knocking himself out.
"Okay, I have to admit, this scene is worth it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Agreed." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk, Spock and McCoy make it to the turboshaft by climbing up the ladder to get to their location, but Spock, has found a faster way, which is his hoverboots from the beginning of the movie. Kirk and McCoy hold onto Spock, but they start to weigh him down where Sulu and Sybok's followers are waiting for them.
Kirk: Spock, the booster rockets.
Spock: If I activate them now, Captain, we'll be propelled upward at an unbelievable rate.
Kirk: Fire the rockets!
(Spock activates the booster rockets on his boots and they're propelled upward at an incredible rate)
Kirk: Hit the brakes!
(Spock stops when they're very close to the ceiling)
Spock: I'm afraid I overshot the mark by one level.
McCoy: Nobody's perfect.
(A clip from the Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home bloopers is shown)
Spock: (Breaks character) Oh, yeah?
Caleb: (Narrating) With that attempt failed, Kirk manages to send a distress signal to Starfleet Command, but since our heroes are idiots, Vixis impersonates a Starfleet officer and Klaa orders them into the Great Barrier. Nice job, Kirk. But then they're caught by Sybok and he wants to have a little chat with them.
Sybok: The people of your planet once believed their world was flat. Columbus proved it was round.
(A clip from Blazing Saddles is shown)
Buddy Bizarre: WRONG!
"Oh, really now? Columbus did not set sail from Spain to prove the Earth was round. We've known the Earth was round since Ancient Greece. And if you want us to go on a rant about Christopher Columbus, then go watch Cinematic Excrement's review of this movie. Sean "Smeghead" Moore did a hilarious rant about Columbus. You should go check it out." Sean said.
Sybok: The Great Barrier is the ultimate expression of this universal fear. It's an extension of personal fear. Captain Kirk, I so much want your understanding. I want your respect. Are you afraid to hear me out?
Kirk: I'm afraid of nothing.
Sybok: (To his followers) Wait outside.
(J'onn and the rebels leave)
We cut back to Sean, Brian and Caleb as they're imitating Kirk, Spock and McCoy, looking off camera to the right while Brian walks off-screen.
"Well, it's just you, me and my friends. Nobody's gonna save you now. Spock, hold him down while Bones and I fuck his ass up." Sean said, imitating Kirk as him and Caleb both start to punch at the camera repeatedly.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, come on! You guys outnumber him three to one! He is unarmed. Just grab him by his pointy ears and say "Give me back the ship, you pointy-eared Rip Torn-looking son of a bitch!"
Caleb: (Narrating) While all that is going on, Scotty wakes up in sickbay and Uhura fills him in on what's going on.
Uhura: Scotty, dear, he's not a madman.
Scotty: He's not?
Uhura: No. Sybok has simply put us in touch with feelings that we've always been afraid to express.
Scotty: I have to get back to the transporter.
Uhura: No, no, no. Scotty! Scotty. There's so much I want to tell you.
Scotty: Maybe you could wait till I'm a wee bit stronger. I don't think I could take it in my present condition.
"I'm glad that this pairing is forgotten in the next film. I mean seriously, who calls their girlfriend by their last name? It's like President Biden calling his wife "Mother"." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sybok tries to win McCoy and Spock on his side by taking their pain away and I have to say that this is a really good scene and it's done really well. We get to see some dark secrets from McCoy.
McCoy's Father (Played by Bill Quinn): Leonard...
(An apparition appears in the corner of the room as we see an elderly man laying in bed, sick and dying. McCoy turns around and recognizes the man)
McCoy: Father? Oh, my God. Don't do this to me. (He goes up to his father's deathbed) I'm here. I'm with you, Dad.
McCoy's Father: The pain. Stop the pain.
McCoy: I've done everything I can do. You've got to hang on.
Sean: (Narrating) We see McCoy's pain, which is the death of his father. And for Spock, which is his own birth and his father's reaction. As good as this scene is, it makes me wonder, how in the hell is he making these apparitions appear? He didn't even do it in the beginning of the movie. And where did this power come from?
Caleb: (Narrating) Fun fact: in the original draft of the script, Spock and McCoy were supposed to side with Sybok, leaving Kirk on his own. But Nimoy and Kelley both objected to this because they felt that the bond between these three characters was far too strong to be broken easily. And I'm glad that the script was changed, Star Trek is at it's best with the Dynamic Trio. Without them, then it would be The Kirk Show.
"Oh, God." Sean said as he made a facepalm.
"I know. We'll be dealing with an egotistical Canadian overractor." Caleb said.
"No, not that. When you mentioned the Kirk show. I started thinking about that stupid sitcom from the 90s starring Kirk Cameron and his wife Chelsea Noble." Sean said, mentioning the short-lived sitcom.
"Oh, God!" Caleb exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But his brainwashing has no effect on Spock and McCoy and they stay right by Kirk's side. But Kirk is unconvinced that the Enterprise will survive going through the Great Barrier.
Sybok: But if we do, will that convince you that my vision was true?
Kirk: Your vision?
Sybok: Given to me by God. He waits for us on the other side.
Kirk: You are mad.
"Well, of course he's mad. He's nuttier than Kirk Cameron!" Sean exclaimed.
Caleb: (Narrating) They make it to the impenetrable Great Barrier and what do you know, the Enterprise just makes it through it like it was nothing. Well, that was pointless! How the hell was this the great danger they were talking about?! Nothing bad happen to the ship. Yeah, it's less threatening than the Ring of Fire from Finding Nemo! But you want to know what they find behind the Great Barrier? A planet at the center of the galaxy…
(A clip from Blazing Saddles is shown)
Buddy Bizarre: WRONG!
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just hold on, Dom. Okay, that is incorrect. There is not a planet in the center of the galaxy but a supermassive black hole, in fact. But this movie was made in 1989 and we did not know that yet, so we'll give them a free pass on that one." Sean said.
Spock: Fascinating.
McCoy: Are we dreaming?
Kirk: If we are, then life is a dream.
(The camera pans down to a plaque on the ship's wheel that reads 'To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before')
Sean: (Narrating) 'To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before'. Oh, blow me! You guys would end up like a bunch of cowards when you come across the Great Barrier! Anyway, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Sybok take a shuttle down to the planet to see what it is that they're dealing with and lo and behold!
(A blue luminescence shoots from the ground and into space)
God (Played by George Murdock): (Off-Camera) Brave souls, welcome.
McCoy: Is this the voice of God?
God: (Off-Camera): One voice, many faces.
(The many faces of God appear)
Sean: (Narrating) The Incredible Hulk.
Caleb: (Narrating) Sean Connery.
Sean: (Narrating) Busta Rhymes.
Caleb: (Narrating) Nicole Ritchie.
Sean: (Narrating) Ming the Merciless.
(The face of God makes an appearance)
Caleb: (Narrating) The Cowardly Lion.
God: Does this better suit your expectations?
Sean: (Narrating) We see that God, played by George Murdock, who would go on to play Admiral J.P. Hanson in the Star Trek: The Next Generation two-part episode The Best of Both Worlds, shows up and Sybok chats it up with him.
God: It is I. The journey you undertook to reach me could not have been an easy one.
"Uh, no. It was remarkably easy, especially considering the ship's state." Caleb said.
God: And how did you breach the Barrier?
"We simply just flew right through it without any trouble." Sean said.
Caleb: (Narrating) God wonders if the starship could carry his wisdom beyond the barrier so he can spread his message. And then we get the best line in the movie uttered by Kirk.
Kirk: Excuse me.
God: It will carry my power to every corner of creation.
Kirk: Excuse me. I'd just like to ask a question. What does God need with a starship?
God: Bring the ship closer.
Kirk: I said, what does God need with a starship?
"And God is going to answer his question right about now." Caleb said.
(Blue light rays shoot from God's eyes, hitting Kirk and knocking him backwards)
"Well, you got your answer." Caleb said.
Kirk: Why is God angry?
Sybok: Why? Why have you done this to my friend?
God: He doubts me.
Spock: You have not answered his question. What does God need with a starship?
Sean: (V/O as God) Here's my answer: FUCK YOU!
(Blue light rays shoot from God's eyes again, hitting Spock and knocking him down)
Sean: (Narrating) But it seems that this "God" is not who he claims to be and he mocks Sybok's vision of Sha Ka Ree as a vision that he created for himself. And we see who this so-called "God" is.
Sybok: I don't understand. Reveal yourself to me.
(An image of Sybok strides out of one of God's eyes)
Sybok/God: (Laughs) What's wrong? Don't you like this face? I have so many. But this one suits you best.
"Oh, my God! That means… wait, what does that mean? Seriously, what does that mean? I-I'm very confused by this whole thing." Sean said, looking confused.
"Well, to answer your question, there was an entire book trilogy called The Q Continuum that actually explained what the hell this thing was supposed to be. The entity is called "The One" and it was exiled to the center of the galaxy and apparently this whole this is connected to the extinction of the dinosaurs…" Caleb said as he turns to Sean, who's holding his pistol in his hand and pointing it directly at him. "I'll stop talking."
God/Sybok: Bring me the ship, or I will destroy you.
Sybok: The ship.
God/Sybok: Bring it closer, so that I might join with it.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!
Sybok: Spock.
Spock: Sybok.
Sybok: This is my doing. This is my arrogance, my vanity.
"Yeah, it's one of those "I am you and you are me"-type of situation." Sean said.
(A clip from Rush Hour 3 is shown)
Carter (Played by Chris Tucker): Who are you?
Master Yu (Played by Henry O): Yu.
Carter: No, not me. You.
Master Yu: Yes, I'm Yu.
Caleb: (Narrating) Sybok sacrifices his life to fight off the entity while Kirk orders the Enterprise to fire a proton torpedo at it. Sybok is killed in the process, but the entity is still alive. Scotty tells Kirk that the transporters are working, but he can only beam up two people at a time. So, I guess we're recycling plot points from Star Trek IV? Oh, whatever. Kirk orders Scotty to beam up Spock and McCoy, leaving him alone on the planet. Once Spock and McCoy are beamed aboard the Enterprise, the Klingons fire on the Enterprise. Oh, perfect! Now it's two ships that made it past the barrier! God, this is stupid!
Sean: (Narrating) Klaa hails them and he wants one thing only, Kirk. But the problem is that Kirk is still on the planet with the entity chasing his ass. So, Spock asks Korrd for his assistance.
Korrd: My assistance?
Spock: You are his superior officer.
Korrd: I am a foolish old man.
Spock: Damn you, sir. You will try.
"Well, at least Spock is putting the colorful metaphors to good use." Caleb said.
Caleb: (Narrating) Back on the planet, Kirk is being chased by a bad blob effect until the Klingons show up and they just shoot the shit out of it. Kirk is beamed aboard their ship, where General Korrd has ordered Klaa to apologize to Kirk for attacking the Enterprise. Oh, and also Spock saved Kirk's life from the entity. Okay, good. The movie's almost over and we see everyone reflecting on their voyage to the center of the galaxy and we get our moral of today's story.
McCoy: Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here, in the human heart.
"I can tell you right now that no living God would be in this script. Hell, we wouldn't be able to end the movie with this scene." Sean said.
(Cut to Kirk, Spock and McCoy at the Yosemite campsite as they resume their vacation as they start singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat")
"Oh, my God!" Sean yelled out.
"You can't be serious?! They're bringing it back?! Why end it there?!" Caleb asked.
"Ugh! Save us Jerry Goldsmith!" Sean exclaimed.
(The end credits are shown while Jerry Goldsmith's theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, thank God!
"And that was Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. It may be the worst Star Trek film ever, but it was okay." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It had some good ideas, the banter between Kirk, Spock and McCoy is entertaining, the humor can be funny at some times, Jerry Goldsmith's score is excellent and one of my favorites and Laurence Luckinbill's performance was excellent, even though the character was an idiot. The story, however, needed to be improved. Very interesting concept but the writer's strike and other problems made it a mess. As for Shatner, I think he did a good job directing the movie. Hell, he won the Razzie Award for Worst Director and I felt that he doesn't deserve it. His directing was fine considering what he had to work with. The film would've been better with his vision of the movie, he wanted it to be epic in scope. It's a shame because of the budgetary woes. Now, you might think that I'm crazy for liking this film, when I watch it, I'm not bored and it keeps me entertained. Star Trek V isn't terrible but it is skippable. If you happen to like Star Trek V and that you're aware of it's problems, like me, then watch it. I'm sure that there's a good movie somewhere. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier comes in at 3 naked fan dances out of 5.
"Well, that wraps up today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic..." Sean said.
"And I'm Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek and I'm beaming on out of here. Caleb to U.S.S. Hawkins, beam me up." Caleb said.
Sean watches in surprise as he sees Caleb beaming out of his house.
"Wait a minute, can he do that? How can he do that? Oh, who cares? Next time, I'm reviewing Star Trek VI." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddamn ass.
Whew! It's about time that I got this review finished. Sorry about the wait, I've been busy with work. But hey, I managed to get this review finished. Hopefully, you all enjoy this new chapter and get a good laugh from it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the final voyage of the original series crew in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and sees if this is better than The Wrath of Khan. After that, Sean the Mayhem Critic finishes up Star Trek Month with the Star Trek: The Original Series episode Spock's Brain. Don't forget to review this story (No rude comments, please be nice), add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review with me or if you have a request for me to review a movie for The Mayhem Critic, feel free to PM me or write it in the comments section. Aside from working on The Mayhem Critic, I will be starting on my Mileven one-shot collection for Stranger Things called Eggos & Promises. I'm debating on what rating I should give it. Maybe either T or M, depending on if I add a Mileven first time chapter. If you have any requests for a Mileven one-shot for Eggos & Promises, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.