The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Since the new Indiana Jones movie is coming out this year, I think it's time for our favorite residential movie critic to review another Indiana Jones movie. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to be talking about Indy's darkest adventure yet, and that movie is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, a tale about a man and his Willy. Yes, I said it. How does the Mayhem Critic feel about this movie? Well, just read it and find out. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is owned by Paramount Pictures and Lucasfilm Ltd.
Episode 172
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(We open with the new Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he gets ready to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, the summer blockbusters are coming up in June, guess which one has the most hype." Sean said.
(A poster of The Flash is shown)
"Aside from that one." Sean said.
(A poster of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is shown)
"Aside from that one." Sean said.
(A poster of the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid is shown)
"Alright, I guess you guys give up. I'm gonna say this, the return of Indiana Jones!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips for the trailer of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we're all excited to see our favorite archaeologist once again. And why shouldn't we be? You have Harrison Ford returning as Indiana Jones, you have John Williams composing the music score for the movie and you have James Mangold directing it instead of Steven Spielberg. What could go wrong?
"With so much build-up with this movie, you gotta wonder what other Indiana Jones movie that I haven't reviewed yet and I was going to at some point- oh God, not Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.
(The title screen for the movie "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the end credits theme composed by John Williams plays in the background)
We cut back to Sean as he starts screaming like Indiana Jones after Marion hits him in the chin with a mirror.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I think it's about time that I review this movie since at the end of my Raiders of the Lost Ark review, from a few years back that I hinted on reviewing the movie for a future review and now it's that time. First off, I don't think that this this a bad movie. It has some of it's moments and it has some dark as hell moments in it as well. Anyway, about the movie. The film was released in theaters on May 23rd, 1984. This movie is the prequel to the biggest hit of 1981 Raiders of the Lost Ark, this one got mixed reviews from critics and it was one of the reasons why the PG-13 rating was created and we'll see why later on. This one is my least favorite and I will get to that as well. There's a lot of movie for me to cover, so let's not waste any time.
"Let's take a look at the wonderful tale about a man and his Willie. This is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Paramount Pictures logo before it fades in on a mountain image carved on a giant gong in a Shanghai nightclub)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so the film opens with the traditional Paramount Pictures logo. Eh, that's not so bad. It's starting off like an Indiana Jones movie. You got the mountains, the epic feel of adventure and...
(A musical number begins with an American female performer named Willie Scott, standing in front of the gaping mouth of a dragon with female background performers performing with fans)
Sean: (Narrating) ...what the hell?
"I'm sorry, folks. I think I popped in the wrong DVD by mistake." Sean said.
The young critic pulls the Ultra 4k Blu-Ray disc out of his Ultra 4k Blu-Ray player to confirm.
"No, it's the right movie." Sean said.
(Back to the film as we see Willie standing in front of the movie's title)
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute. You can't be serious. You're really going to start this movie off with a musical number?
(Willie starts singing the song "Anything Goes" in Chinese. We then cut to a tap dance number with tap dancers wearing sequined cotumes that sparkle. Also, the entire soundstage sparkles)
"I'm sorry, did I just put in That's Entertainment by mistake, what is this?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) That's how we're going to start this movie off, a musical number? How would you even tell that this is an Indiana Jones movie? I'm not getting the feel of adventure from this. I feel like the cast of Blazing Saddles is going to appear on-set.
(A clip from Blazing Saddles is shown)
Taggart (Played by Slim Pickens): (To the director) Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!
Sean: (Narrating) This just baffles me. If baffled me when I was a kid and it baffled me now. Who the hell thought that this would be a great idea anyway?
(We see the story and screenwriting credits for George Lucas, Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, those three. Wait, Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz. Didn't those two direct and write the screenplay for the films Best Defense and Howard the Duck?
(We see a green checkmark on screen)
"Oh, this is gonna suck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie kindly lets us know that this is Shanghai in the year 1935, as we see our favorite gruff archaeologist Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford, meeting with a gangster named Lao Che, played by Roy Chiao, to deliver the remains of Emperor Nurhachi in exchange for a large diamond as payment.
Lao Che (Played by Roy Chiao): So, it is true? You found Nurhachi?
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): You know I did. Last night one of your boys tried to get Nurhachi without paying for him.
Lao Che: You have insulted my son.
Indiana Jones: No, you have insulted me.
"Hey, that guy was lucky that he lost only a finger, so be glad that Indy let him live." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But nightclub singer Willie Scott, played by Kate Capshaw, joins their little exchange and she should've realized that she's in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Lao Che: Dr. Jones found Nurhachi for me, and he's going to deliver him now.
(Kao Kan points a gun at Indy)
Willie Scott (Played by Kate Capshaw): Say, who is this Nur...
(Indy quickly grabs Willie and pulls her over. He then grabs a giant fork from a tray and holds the fork at her ribs)
Willie Scott: ...hachi?
Sean: (Narrating) Wow! Some hero you are, buddy. You're holding a fork to your future love interest. Well, it's no surprise that Indy has always been a bit of a jerk when it comes to saving damsels in distress...
(Cut to a clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Sean: (Narrating) In the last film, he finds Marion kidnapped and he leaves her behind. Then, he has another chance at saving her, but he blows it just so he can see the power of the Ark. And as for Elsa...
(Cut to a clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as we see Indy holding onto Elsa until she falls to her death.
Sean: (Narrating) ...eh, screw her. She was a Nazi. Anyway, they exchange the diamond for the remains of Nurhachi, as well as a Martini to go with it.
Indiana Jones: To your very good health.
(Willie bumps into Indy, causing him to spill some of his drink)
Willie Scott: Lao! He put a hole. He put two holes in my dress from Paris!
"As you can see, she is the most annoying character in this movie. Why is she annoying? Because she's so damn loud and obnoxious that you just want her to shut the hell up." Sean said.
Lao Che: Now, you bring me Nurhachi.
Indiana Jones: My pleasure.
Willie Scott: Who on Earth is this Nurhachi?
(A waiter walks over to the table with a small urn that contains the remains of Nurhachi)
Indiana Jones: Here is is.
(Indy places the urn on the turntable disk and turns it)
Willie Scott: This Nurhachi's a real small guy.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Dustin Henderson (Played by Gaten Matarazzo): Son of a bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy drinks his martini and Lao Che and his sons are acting very suspicious when they start chuckling at him. So, he pulls out a vial of blue liquid because it turns out that Indy drank a poisonous martini. So, Indy threatens to kill Willie if they don't give him the antidote. Also, he brought his backup waiter, which happens to be his friend Wu Han, played by David Yip, you know Chuck Lee from A View to a Kill. But since this is an Indiana Jones movie, he's a wasted script page.
(They hear the sound of champagne bottles being popped open from different tables. A martini glass breaks as Wu Han picks up the glass and sees that he's bleeding)
Sean: (V/O as Wu Han) Huh? Turns out I've been mysteriously cut by glass...
(It is revealed that Chen, Lao Che's eldest son shot Wu Han in the chest)
Sean: (V/O as Wu Han) Oh, wait. I've been shot.
Wu Han (Played by David Yip): Indy...
(Wu Han collapses before Indy would catch him and hold him up)
Indiana Jones: Don't worry, Wu Han, I'll get you out of here.
Wu Han: Not this time, Indy. I followed you on many adventures, but unti the great unkown mystery, I go first, Indy. (He slowly dies)
"He gets shot by a Chinese gangster and he gets strangled by Grace Jones in a James Bond movie, this dude has no luck in surviving in a film that he's in." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy gives one of Lao Che's sons a flaming shish kebab and panic ensues as a brawl breaks with Indy trying to get the antidote while Willie is trying to grab the diamond.
(Indy fights some of Lao Che's henchmen while trying to grab the antidote. While all that is going on, Willie is trying to grab the diamond)
Indiana Jones: The antidote?
Willie Scott: Where's the diamond?
Sean: (V/O as Indy) You know what, screw you. You're useless, bitch.
(More of Lao Che's henchmen show up from within the panicked croud to throw their sharp weapons at Indy, though the way the weapons are thrown are pretty slow and not so convincing)
"Wow, those are the most slowest moving knives I have ever seen in my life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Willie finds the antidote after she has no luck in grabbing the diamond after losing it in some ice, Indy and Willie make their escape by jumping out the window until they land in a car.
Short Round (Played by Ke Huy Quan): Wow! Holy smoke! Crash landing!
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for me to introduce you to another character in this movie. This is Indy child sidekick Short Round, played by Ke Huy Quan.
Indiana Jones: Short Round, step on it.
Short Round: Okeydokey, Dr. Jones. Hold on to your potatoes.
"Did I mention that this kid is going to grow up to win an Academy Award?" Sean asked as a picture of Ke Huy Quan at the Oscars is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, cue the car chase.
(Lao Che and his men are chasing Indy, Willie and Short Round in a car chase through the streets of Shanghai. While all that is going on, Indy reaches inside Willie's dress to grab the antidote)
Indiana Jones: Where's the antidote?
Willie Scott: Listen, I just met you, for Christ's sakes.
Indiana Jones: Let me have it. Give me...
Willie Scott: (Whines) I'm not that kind of girl.
Short Round: Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We got company.
"Yeah, besides this is a PG movie. Let's keep it family-friendly here." Sean said..
Sean: (Narrating) Indy drinks the antidote and he gets into a shootout with Lao-Che's men. Hell, he takes out one of the goons that the Wilhelm Scream left his body.
(Indy shoots at a thug who's wielding a tommy gun and the thug does the Wilhelm Scream. Then, Lao Che's car crashes into a vendor's stand)
Sean: (V/O as Vendor) My cabbages!
Indiana Jones: (To Willie) Here, hold this.
(Willie holds the gun, but she clumsily drops the gun outside the car because the gun was hot and it was hurting her hand)
Indiana Jones: Where's my gun? Where's my gun?
Willie Scott: I burned my fingers, and I cracked a nail!
"I'm sorry, did they just do a "I broke a nail" joke? No friggin' way that they did that. Way to insult the women. And not only that, you've insulted the Chinese as well. And we haven't even made it to the Indian stereotypes let. And heaven forbid if this movie had the Black sterotypes, then all hell would break loose." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, here's a pointless Dan Aykroyd cameo.
Weber (Played by Dan Aykroyd): Ah, Dr. Jones... I'm Art Weber. I spoke with your assistant. We've managed to secure three seats, but there might be a slight inconveniece as you will be riding on a cargo full of live poultry.
"Hi, Dan Aykroyd. Not looking forward to reviewing Ghostbusters 2016." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Lao Che and his son behind him, the trio make it onto the cargo plane, but not before Indy says farewell to the gangster.
Indiana Jones: Nice try, Lao Che.
(Indy shuts the door and we see "Lao Che Air Freight" written on it)
Lao Che: Goodbye, Dr. Jones.
(Lao Che and his son starts laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that the plane was owned by Lao Che. So during the flight, the pilots jump out of the plane while our heroes are asleep. Uh, that's stupid planning of the villains. Shouldn't they slit their throats while they're sleeping? (Sees that the pilots start dumping fuel from out of the plane) Or just plain ol' sabotage of the plane. Again, couldn't they just kill them in their sleep?
(Willie wakes up from the chicken feathers flying at her face as she gets up and walks over to the cockpit. She then sees that the pilots are gone and that they're flying right towards a mountain)
Willie Scott: Oh, no.
"That's exactly how I felt when I started to review this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Willie wakes Indy up to inform him that no one is flying the plane, so now he has to fly the plane.
Willie Scott: You know how to fly, don't you?
Indiana Jones: No. Do you?
Willie Scott: Oh, no. Oh, my God!
Indiana Jones: How hard can it be?
"Oh, well. You're all dead anyway. You have Harrison Ford trying to fly a plane." Sean said. "And that is my last Harrison Ford flying a plane joke. That joke's been done to death."
Sean: (Narrating) Indy sees that the plane is out of fuel and now it's time go get out of here. Aside from that, there are no parachutes. So, now it's time to take the alternative, a lifesaving emergency raft.
(Indy readies a lifesaving emergency raft and prepares to jump out)
Willie Scott: A boat? We're not sinking. (Shrieking) WE'RE CRASHING! (She places her pointed hand at her mout in fear as she shrieks again)
Indiana Jones: Grab on, Shorty! Grab on!
Short Round: Lady, I can't breathe!
Indiana Jones: Tight!
(Indy inflates the raft as the three of them jump out of the plane with them on it)
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"Okay, that is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever seen in an Indiana Jones film. You can't possibly top that off." Sean said.
Indiana Jones: That wasn't so bad, was it?
(They all start screaming as the raft slides off the edge of a high cliff and lands in a raging river)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Jesus Christ! (Laughs) Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why...
Willie Scott: I hate the water, and I hate being wet, and I hate you!
Sean: (Narrating) ...shut up, bitch! Why? Why? God, why?!
"And I thought the infamous fridge scene from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was jumping the shark, but this is ridiculous. I have to come up with a thing." Sean said.
(Cut to various images of Fonzie jumping the shark, an image of the infamous fridge scene from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is shown and the frying the Coke scene from the movie Double Team)
Sean: (Narrating) You have Jumping the Shark, Nuking the Fridge and Frying the Coke.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Raft Parachuting. Well, there you go. I've created a meme for you guys. I hope that you're all satisfied." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) They land in India and they come across a village where they're welcomed by the Indian version Doc Brown. Turns out that something has happened in their village, turns out that their children are gone as the inhabitants explains to him about what's going on at Pankot Palace.
Shaman (Played by D.R. Nanayakkara): The evil start in Pankot, then like monsoon, it moves darkness over all country, over all country.
Indiana Jones: The evil? What evil?
Shaman: They came from palace and took Shivalinga from our village.
Willie Scott: Took what?
"Their balls. What do you think, lady?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The Shaman explains to them that the Thugee cult has taken the Sankara Stones that protects their village and on top of all of that, the cult has taken their children as well. Better be on the lookout for this man. (An image of the Sewer King from the Batman: The Animated Series episode The Underdwellers is shown) And now the mission begins as Indy starts this possibly dangerous adventure to find the stones and save the children. Now, I'm pretty sure that he's going to do this one alone... (Our heroes each get on elephants, and Willie gets on, endung up facing backwards)
"Oh, son of a bitch! She's coming along with them?!" Sean asked.
Willie Scott: I can't go to Delhi like this!
Indiana Jones: We're not going to Delhi, doll. We're going to Pankot Palace.
Willie Scott: Pankot? I can't go to Pankot! I'm a singer. Oh, I need to call my agent. Is there a phone? Anybody, I need a phone!
"Oh, great. So much for me staying sober because this lady is going to drive me to drink." Sean said.
(The village shaman stands by the spot where the sacred stones was stolen and says a wishful prayer in Hindi. We then see the fake subtitles underneath him: "Thank you for sending that annoying bitch away. We shall celebrate by watching Adam Sandler movies.")
Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes travel to Pankot Palace and during the trip, we see what a useless waste of comic relief that Willie is.
(The elephant bellows in reaction to Willie placing perfume on it's head)
Willie Scott: Oh, quit complaining. This is expensive stuff.
"Oh, for Christ's sake. Kill me. Just kill me now." Sean said.
(The elephant continues to make trumpet sounds while as Willie keeps putting perfume on it's head)
Willie Scott: Oh pipe down, you big baboon. This doesn't hurt. You know what you really need? You really need a bath.
(The elephant takes some water from a nearby river and uses its trunk to hose her off it's back, making her fall into the river)
(A clip from Batman and Robin is shown)
Batman (Played by George Clooney): This is why Superman works alone.
"Oh, my God! This movie made me play a clip from Batman and Robin, I cannot believe that I played that clip. How embarrassing of me. Look what you did, movie. Look at what you did." Sean said as he glares at the camera.
Willie Scott: I was happy in Shanghai. (Sobbing) I had a little house and a garden. My friends were rich. We went to parties all the time in limousines. I hate being outside!
(A clip from Hardcore Pawn is shown)
Les Gold: Shut the *beep* up! Now, that's enough!
"Couldn't have said it better myself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the three of them camp out in the middle of the jungle at night and while Indy and Shorty are playing cards, Willie...
(While trying to hang up one of her clothes on a tree branch, Willie accidentally grabs a screeching bat and she screams in reaction to it.)
Indiana Jones: Biggest trouble with her is the noise.
"Ya think?!" Sean exclaimed.
(Willie sits down and sees a monkey as she starts screaming. She then screams from seeing a lizard on a tree branch and then an owl)
"I don't know who's more annoying, her or Vicki Vale from Batman." Sean said as a picture of Willie Scott is shown next to a picture of Vicki Vale.
Willie Scott: This place is completely surrounded. The entire place is crawling with living things.
"Where's Marion Ravenwood when you need her?" Sean asked.
"Look, I get she's not used to Indy's lifestyle, but does she have to be so vocal about it?" Brian asked.
Willie Scott: Why are you dragging us off to this deserted palace? Fortune and glory?
(Indy presents an old manuscript of a pictograph representing Sankara (a priest) and Shiva together)
Indiana Jones: This pictograph represents Sankara, a priest.
(Willie's elephant places it's trunk on her, she shoves it away)
Willie Scott: Scram. (She grabs the pictograph from out of Indy's hand)
Indiana Jones: Gentle. Gentle. This is hundreds of years old.
Willie Scott: Is that some kind of writing?
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Yeah, it's a message from the audience telling you to shut the hell up.
Indiana Jones: It's part of the legend of Sankara. He climbs Mount Kalisa where he meets Shiva, the Hindu god.
Willie Scott: That's Shiva? And what's he handing the priest?
Indiana Jones: Rocks. He told him to go forth and combat evil. And to help him, he gave him five sacred stones with magical properties.
Willie Scott: Magic rocks? My grandpa was a magician. He spent his entire life with a rabbit in his pocket and pigeons up his sleeves. He made a lot of children happy and died a very poor man. Magic rocks. Fortune and glory. Sweet dreams, Dr. Jones.
"Oh, yeah. Well, I believe in the power of the Ark and the Holy Grail and I believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists, thank you very much." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they finally arrive at Pankot Palace and things seem normal enough, where they are welcomed by the Maharajah's prime minister Chattar Lal, played by Roshan Seth, you know Dhalsim from the Street Fighter movie.
Indiana Jones: This is Ms. Scott. This is Mr. Round.
Short Round: Short Round.
Indiana Jones: My name is Indiana Jones.
Chattar Lal (Played by Roshan Seth): Dr. Jones, the eminent archaeologist?
Willie Scott: Hard to believe, isn't it?
Chattar Lal: Ah, I remember first hearing your name when I was up at Oxford. I'm Chattar Lal, Prime Minister to His Highness, the Maharajah of Pankot.
Sean: (V/O as Chattar Lal) Don't mind us, we're just normal people in this normal palace. Nothing weird is going on here.
Sean: (Narrating) So they get settled in the palace as Chatter Lal introduces Indy to Captain Blumburtt, played by Philip Stone, and we partake in the one of th most famous scenes of the movie. Yeah, you don't think that I'm going to be talking about the dinner scene, well I am.
(The guests are presented Snake Surprise, which contains a platter of a dead boa constrictor)
Merchant #1 (Played by Frank Olegario): Ohhh! Snake... Surprise.
Willie Scott: What's the surprise?
(A server cuts the belly open from the constrictor, allowing wriggling little snakes to come out. We then cut next to insects being served as a dish)
Merchant #2 (Played by Ahmed El Shenawi): (To Willie) What? You are not eating?
Willie Scott: I had bugs for lunch.
"Okay, as a person who eats Indian food, I'm a bit insulted by how culturally insensitive this is, but then again if there's a culture that makes this stuff tastes so good, then so help me, I'll eat it." Sean said.
(Willie gets a bowl of soup. As she digs in, about four eyeballs pop out of the soup and she screams)
"Yeah, except for that!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) During the dinner, Indy is busy talking to Chatter Lal and the original caretaker from The Shining that the villagers claim that Pankot Palace was growing powerful again because of some ancient evil, but Lal doesn't know anything about any ancient evil or missing children or missing stones. He is insulted by these claims and dismisses it.
Little Maharaja (Played by Raj Singh): I have heard the evil stories of the Thuggee cult. I thought the stories were told to frighten children. Later, I learnt the Thuggee cult was once real and did of unspeakable things. I am ashamed of what happened here so many years ago, and I assure you this will never happen again in my kingdom.
Indiana Jones: If I offended you, then I am sorry.
"I'm pretty sure Indy knows they're hiding something, such as this cray dinner being an attempt to keep him and the British away. Did I mention this movie was inspired by a film from 1939?" Brian asked.
Merchant #2: Ah, dessert!
(All the guests are each presented with the heads of dead monkeys on goblets)
Merchant #2: Chilled monkey brains. (He removes the top of his monkey's head)
(A server removes the top of Willie's monkey head for the shocked Willie, the second merchant eats the chilled brains and after the server places a spoon in Willie's monkey's head, she rolls her eyes back, groans and falls backward to faint)
"Yeah, I would have the same reaction too if I saw the orginal caretaker of the Overlook Hotel was sitting at the head of the table with Dhalsim and Jack Ryan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that crazy dinner, Indy goes to check on his Willie. And I just love Short Round's reaction, it is so hilarious.
Indiana Jones: Uh, I think I'll just check on Willie.
Short Round: (Says nothing at first, but then walks backwards into the room) That's all you better do.
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Oh man. If my friend tells me that he was going to go check on his Willie, that's the exact same reaction that I'll have.
Indiana Jones: I think I'll go check on Willie.
(The Stranger Things theme plays in the background as Short Round walks backwards into the room)
Sean: (Narrating) He enters Willie's room with some fruit and they engage in some romantic banter.
Indiana Jones: I'm a scientist. (Eats an apple)
Willie Scott: So, as a scientist, you do a lot of research?
Indiana Jones: Always.
Willie Scott: And what sort of research would you do on me?
(Indy takes his glasses off)
Indiana Jones: Nocturnal activities.
Willie Scott: You mean like what sort of cream I put on my face at night, what position I like to sleep in?
"I can think of what kind of cream to put on your face and what position you could be in bed with me." Sean said, imitating Indy.
Indiana Jones: Mating customs.
Willie Scott: Love rituals?
Indiana Jones: Primitive sexual practices.
Sean: (Narrating) So Indy kisses his Willie...
"Shut up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...but the two of them start bickering again and it turns into a bad episode of Moonlighting since they both want to play hard to get, so they go to their rooms waiting for the other one to enter for some loving.
(Indy and Willie wait in their rooms as they lay quietly on their beds as lightly comical music plays in the background. Willie tries to get comfortable on one side of the bed and ends up falling off of the bed)
"Okay, Williams. What is up with the whimsical music? Hell, Tom & Jerry was more subtle than this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then an assassin sneaks up from behind and attacks Indy by choking him all while Willie tries to get more annoying.
(Willie leaves her room)
Willie Scott: Indiana Jones! This is one night you'll never forget! (Rolls up her sleeves) This is the night I slipped right through your fingers!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, come on. The kid is asleep throuhgout the whole thing. I'm pretty sure that the sound of Kate Capshaw yelling would wake him up. I know it would for me.
(Short Round suddenly wakes up as he sees Indy getting attacked by the assassin)
"Oh, so now he wakes up. What the hell was he dreaming about?" Sean asked.
Short Round: Dr. Jones, your whip!
(Shorty tosses the whip over to Indy. He throws his whip at the assassin, catching him by his neck. Indy throws his whip up at the ceiling fan, which pulls the assassin up, choking him to death. Short Round's eyes shut tight as he grimaces at the sight)
"Wow, and I thought that the hulking Russian from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull's death was the silliest." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy goes to his Willie's room and finds a secret passage in her room. So, he takes Short Round with him. Good choice. And the two of them explore the dark tunnel and that tunnel comes with a dark cave filled with insects and a room in which Shorty accidentally set off a booby trap, which is a ceiling with spikes. So, Willie goes through the secret passage to...
(Willie finds two dead bodies in the tunnel and screams)
"Why?!" Sean exclaimed.
(We then see Willie screaming at the sight of hundreds of thousands of crawling insects that cover an entire portion of the passageway)
(The same clip from Stranger Things is shown again)
Dustin Henderson: Son of a bitch.
Indiana Jones: There's got to be a fulcrum release lever somewhere.
Willie Scott: What?
Indiana Jones: A handle that opens the door.
(Willie looks into the other hole to see insects blocking the opening)
Willie Scott: (Speaks into the first hole) You feel inside!
Indiana Jones: (Makes an angry fist that he sticks out of the hole) Do it now!
Willie Scott: Okay!
(A clip from the Ed, Edd n Eddy episode Mirror, Mirror On the Ed is shown)
Edd (Voiced by Samuel Vincent): Now what?
Eddy (Voiced by Tony Sampson): I'm thinkng. I'm thinking.
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): Can I think?
Edd/Eddy: No!
(Willie puts her hand inside the other hole)
Indiana Jones: Willie, we are going to die!
Sean: (Narrating) Willie manages to save and she tries to kill them again by setting off the trap. Oh, great. She's trying to kill him before he even makes Dial of Destiny. But they manage to escape the trap, where they come across a Thugee worship ceremony, or a Hindu version of a rave.
(A Thuggee worship ceremony is being held as the followers chant together)
Indiana Jones: It's a Thuggee ceremony. They're worshipping Kali.
(Cut to the Kali-Ma statue with the face of pornstar Kali Roses superimposed over the statue's face, then Mola Ram, the evil high priest, steps out)
Sean: (Narrating) We see the most scariest villain of the movie named Mola Ram, played by the late Amrish Puri, and yes, that character scares me. So we see that he's the leader of the Thuggee cult and he does some crazy shit while sacrificing people to Kali.
Mola Ram (Played by Amrish Puri): Kali Ma. Kali Ma... Kali Ma! (Speaking in Hindi)
(Mola Ram sticks his hand into the victim's chest and pull his heart out, the victim screams before we cut to Sean as his face changes to a state of shock with his eyes wide and mouth agape as the scene continues. We then cut to the victim being lowered into a lava pit and the victim yells. Then, the flames start to engulf the victim as his heart, being held up high by Mola Ram, catches fire as well. Mola Ram laughs evily before the cage finally enter the lava pit. After the victim is lowered into the pit, Mola Ram evily laughs)
"I guess I should point out that this one is also rated PG and boy does it deserve it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this was back at the time PG meant something. Because of people complaining about some of the violent sequences in the movie and also with similar complaints with the movie Gremlins, Spielberg suggested that the MPAA alter it's rating system by introducing a rating that is right between PG and R and two months after the film's release, the PG-13 rating was born. Plus, the first to be released with the PG-13 rating that same year was the John Milius war film Red Dawn.
"But just remember, this was back when PG meant something." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy spots the stones and goes down there to get them, only for him to leave his Willie and Short Round behind and to get captured. Nice job, Indy. After he grabs the stones, Indy hears the sounds of children screaming, so he goes to check it out and sees that it's the bad guys using the kidnapped children to work in the mines to dig for the remaining stones.
Sean and Brian: (V/O as the children, singing) Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho/ It's home from work we...
(As a cult member whips a child nearby, we get a sound effect of whipping and the sound of Homer Simpson screaming)
Sean: (Narrating) Indy sees a kid getting whipped by the hulking Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yep, that's Pat Roach and this time he's playing a Thuggee cult member. Wow, you have a white guy playing a Hindu. Where have I seen this before...
(A picture of Fisher Stevens as Ben Jabituya from the movie Short Circuit is shown)
"Oh, right. Short Circuit did that, but this was before Fisher Stevens, a white guy, played an Indian. It's like having C. Thomas Howell playing a black guy." Sean said as he refers to the 1986 movie Soul Man.
"Gotta give Indy credit, kidnapping children and forcing them to be slaves is low for him." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Indy gets captured for trying to save children and he reunites with Short Round. And here's where the movie get really dark. Yeah, this is my problem with this movie, it's just too dark and unpleasant. Yeah, we've got some lighthearted fun and some of the films have some creepy scenes and some pretty cool visuals in it, but the middle of the movie is dark. You have people getting their hearts ripped out and set on fire, you got dark caves and you have children being whipped. I hope that your children could handle that dark shit.
1st Boy in Cell (Played by Arjun Pandher): I pray to Shiva, "Let me die," but I do not. Now... now the evil of Kali take me.
Short Round: How?
1st Boy in Cell: They will make me drink the blood of the Kali. Then I'll fall into the Black Sleep of the Kali Ma.
Indiana Jones: What is that?
2nd Boy in Cell (Played by Zia Gelani): We become like them. We'll be alive, but like a nightmare. You drink blood, you not wake up from nightmare.
"Uh, yeah. I would rather deal with banging Kali Roses instead of drinking the blood of the Kali." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Short Round are both taken to Mola Ram, who's not happy with him stealing the stones. He then reveals to Indy that he is looking for the rest of the stones and that's why he has the children digging in the mines to look for them.
Mola Ram: You don't believe me? You will, Dr. Jones. You will become a true believer.
(Both Indy and Mola Ram laugh)
(The chief guard approaches Indy)
Indiana Jones: Hi.
"This guy wants payback for you killing him off in the first film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They try to make Indy drink the blood, but our hero spits it out, which means the brainwashed Maharajah has an Indy voodoo doll to torture him with and make him feel the pain. And also by whipping him.
(The chief guard whips Indy while the Maharajah whips Short Round)
Indiana Jones: Leave him alone, you bastards!
(The chief guard continues to whip Indy)
"Oh, if there was a Roots joke that I should make for this review." Sean said. "Screw it, I'm making it right now."
Brian: (V/O as Chief Guard) Your name is Han Solo!
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Indiana... Jones.
(Indy gets whipped)
Sean: (Narrating) After whipping Indy, they make him drink the blood and Indy turns into Bizarro Indiana Jones.
(Indy is placed on a stone slab surrounded by small candles, and he convulses, yelling in pain. He then gets up calmly and then lightly laughs to himself, almost insanely)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Rey Skywalker is my lord and savior.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see another Thuggee ritual sacrifice is going and with a brainwashed Indy joining him and Chattar Lalm, they get ready to sacrifice their next victim. That's right, Willie is going to be the next sacrifice. Oh, man. This is the best part of the movie.
Willie Scott: (As she is being dragged over to the cage) I'm not going to have anything nice to say about this place when I get back.
"The feeling's mutual, my dear. Now let's watch them go rip that bitch's heart out." Sean said.
(Mola Ram chants something in Hindi and prepares to rip Willie's heart out, but he doesn't)
Sean: (Narrating) But Mola Ram doesn't rip out her heart, so he gives Indy the honors to drop her in the pit of fire. Hey, this movie's getting really good. But Short Round manages to break through his chains and he tries to help Indy. Uh, yeah. Haven't the other kids thought about doing that? But no, he's the only one that though of it. Right when Indy drops Willie into the pit, Short Round tries to snap Indy out of it.
Short Round: Wake up, Dr. Jones, wake up!
(Indy slaps Short Round in the face)
"Jeez, this scene is nothing but abuse towards Willie and Short Round. And I can play that part over and over and over again. Why? Because I'm a sick bastard, that's why." Sean said.
Short Round: Indy, I love you. (Takes a lighted torch and jabs it into Indy's ribs) Wake up, Indy!
Sean: (Narrating) Short Round snaps Indy out of it with fire and they fight off the Thuggee thugs while they try to save Willie. Oh, joy. They're gonna let her live. Indy goes after Mola Ram, but Baldy escapes like a Batman villian from the 1960s. So when Indy pulls his Willie out...
"Not a word." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...Dhalsim here thinks it's a good idea to try to kill Indy with a large knife and lower his Willie into the pit of fire. But then again, it's an Indiana Jones villain who's gonna get the worst pain ever imagined.
(Indy throws Lal over the large wheel controlling the winch. Lal gets seriously crushed)
Sean: (V/O as Chattar Lal) GAH! HOLY KALI MA! MY SPINE!
Sean: (Narrating) So Indy pulls his Willie out, but she isn't aware if it's him or not, so she does this.
Indiana Jones: Willie, Willie, wake up!
(An exhausted Willie gives Indy a smack in the face with a hard "smack" sound)
"And for some odd reason, Ben Burtt thought that a slapping sound should have the punching sound effect." Sean said as he makes a confused look on his face.
Willie Scott: Indy, now let's get out of here.
Indiana Jones: Right. All of us.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy heads to the mines and I just love this shot of Indy standing in the middle of the guard's way right when the mine cart's light is shining on him to reveal him, that's the most awesome shot of the movie. So, they manage to free the children. Also, he has do deal with the giant white guy who's playing a Hindu,
(Indy fights the hulking chief guard)
Sean: (Narrating) But then you have that one asshole that has to cut in during the fight.
(The brainwashed Maharajah uses the voodoo doll to hurt Indy by piercing it with a pointed pin, which immobilizes Indy)
Willie Scott: What's the matter with him?
"Some little bastard using a voodoo doll on Indy. He must've thought he was Tom Atkins from Creepshow." Sean said as a clip from the ending to the movie Creepshow is shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) As Indy and the chief guard fight on a conveyor belt, the Maharajah keeps jabbing the voodoo doll to make Indy feel the pain, but then Short Round jumps in and gives the little shit a beat down and to pull the pin from out of the doll, giving Indy the opportunity to give the beatdown on the big guy and...
(We see that the Chief Guard's red sash gets caught in the rock crusher and he gets pulled into the device, fatally crushing him. His blood is smeared all over the machine, much to Indy and Willie's revulsion)
"Again, wearing thar PG rating like a badge of honor." Sean said.
(The Maharajah jabs the pin in Short Round's arm and picks up a large knife as he prepares to kill him, but Short Round grabs a torch and burns him right when a sound clip from Beavis & Butt-Head plays in the background with Beavis saying "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!")
"Had to be done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Maharajah tells Shorty to get out, they must take the left tunnel. But before they make their escape, it's time for Short Round to kick some Thuggee ass!
(Short Round beats up on a couple of Thuggee guards)
"Academy Award winner Ke Huy Quan, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes make their escape on a mine cart and they take the right tunnel instead of the left tunnel. Yeah, the kid strictly said left tunnel. Oh, forget it. With the bad guys behind them, we get a pretty awesome.
"Oh, great. Now I have to make a Donkey Kong joke for this review." Sean said.
(During the mine cart chase sequence the track Jungle Hijinx from Donkey Kong Country Returns plays in the background)
"Again, had to be done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I love this scene, I do have one question: since when did Short Round turn into a Strech Armstrong doll? (Sees that the thugs grab for Short Round over a fiery pit while a stretching sound effect is placed over the shot of the carts above) Yeah, it's pretty weird. Also, I just love this moment with Willie right here.
(After the Thuggee guard hits Indy, he goes for Willie. But Willie punches the guard off of the cart, and this leads to the bad guys in the other mine cart to hit him and the cart flies off of the rails)
"Okay, now that is the most silliest death ever. At least we got a lightearted humorous moment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Mola Ram has his men start a flood to flush our heroes out and our heroes are almost at a dead end.
Indiana Jones: Brakes. Brakes. Slow us down.
Short Round: Okay.
(Short Round holds the brake down and he accidentally pulls the brake off of the cart)
(A clip from Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy plays)
Edd: Not good.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to stop the cart with his feet and they get chase by water in another pretty cool scene. Man, the visual effect are pretty good for the movie. Anyway, they split up with Willie and Short Round taking the bridge and of course, Indy taking on two swordsmen.
(Indy reaches for his gun and he finds that he doesn't have it in the holster. He looks up at the thugs and smiles at them)
"Okay, that part made me laugh. And for those of you who didn't get the reference, you deserve to have your face melted off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy takes on the two guards and chases after the other one with a sword while channeling Han Solo in a hilarious bit referencing A New Hope with the guards chasing him. Meanwhile, Shorty and Willie get captured by Mola Ram and his men.
(Willie makes a bloodcurdling scream as she sees Mola Ram and his henchmen standing there)
Sean: (Narrating) Jeez, lady. Millie Bobby Brown's screaming was less over-the-top than this.
(Cut to Willie screaming followed by a clip from Stranger Things as we see Eleven screaming)
Sean: (Narrating) And you all know this setup. He's standing in the middle of the bridge, the bad guys are surrounding him and he's looking for a way out.
Willie Scott: (Sees what Indy is about to do when he raises his sword) Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Is he nuts?
Short Round: He's no nuts. He's crazy.
Indiana Jones: Mola Ram, prepare to meet Kali... in Hell.
(Right when Indy is about to strike downward, we cut to a clip from Suburban Knights as we see the Cinema Snob bringing his sword down on playground bridge to no effect while he's surrounded by two hooded figures)
"Okay, that joke was worth it." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy cuts the bridge in half, sending some of Thuggee thugs plummeting to the river and fet eaten up by crocodiles, who just love the taste of black cloth, while Indy dukes it out with Mola Ram.
Short Round: Indy, cover your heart! Cover your heart!
(Mola Ram tries to rip Indy's heart out, but Indy grabs his wrist to move it away from his chest)
Willie Scott: Oh, my God!
(Mola Ram chants in Hindi while trying to rip out Indy's heart out and laughs)
Willie Scott: Oh, my God.
(Indy moves Mola's hand away and makes him punch himself in the face)
"What are you in the fifth grade? Why did you make him hit himself?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And watch what this bald asshole does. He throws one of his own men off of the bridge. I don't know what's the point of all this. Anyway, Indy and Mola fight over the stones. Well, guess it's time to tell him that Shiva is pissed off at him.
Indiana Jones: You've betrayed Shiva. (Speaking in Hindi) You betrayed Shiva. (Continues speaking in Hindi) You've betrayed Shiva!
(Two of the stones start burning through the bag and they fall out. The third stone falls out, but Mola Ram catches it, which burns his hand. Indy grabs the stone as Mola falls to his death, as we see him get killed by the crocodiles while the Wilhelm Scream is heard)
"Ah, I just miss the good 'ol days of the PG rating. Back when it meant something." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Maharajah arrives with Captain Blumburtt and the British Army as they subdue the remaining Thuggee and our heroes return to the village with the stone and the children.
Indiana Jones: Anything can happen. It's a long way to Delhi.
Willie Scott: No, thanks. No more adventures with you, Dr. Jones.
Indiana Jones: Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had together?
Willie Scott: If you think I'm going to Delhi with you, or anyplace else after all the trouble you've gotten me into, think again, buster! I'm going home to Missouri where they never feed you snakes, before ripping your heart out and lowering you into hot pits! This is not my idea of a swell time!
"Dude, can you believe that she's married to Steven Spielberg?" Sean asked as a picture of Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw is shown.
Willie Scott: (Moves Indy out of her way) Excuse me, sir. I need a guide to Delhi. If you could...
(Indy uses his whip to bring Willie over by the waist)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Come here, bitch. I'm gonna shut you up with a kiss.
(As Indy and Willie get ready to kiss, Short Round's elephant splashes them with water)
Short Round: (Laughing) Very funny.
(Indy and Willie start laughing)
Short Round: Very funny. (Continues to laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Indy gets his Willie wet and he kisses his Willie in front of the children and they start cheering in joy. Cue the Raiders March.
(The Raiders March plays while the end credits are shown)
"And that was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and honestly, it's an alright movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Let's get the negatives out of the way: my problem with the movie is that it is dark with it's intense scenes. Hell, no wonder it said "This Film May Be Too Intense For Children" on the back of the VHS. You think? It has some intense violent moments in it. From what I've read, the reason why this movie was dark was because George Lucas was going through a divorce with his wife Marcia. Also, the character Willie Scott is too annoying is hell, that you'll end up getting a drink afterwards from dealing with her screaming. And their depiction of Indian culture, this is what caused controversy and brought it to the attention to India's censors. If this movie was made today, people would be extremely pissed off. As for the positives, John Williams' music is pretty good, I love Douglas Slocombe's cinematography, Harrison Ford is awesome as always and the visual effects by Dennis Muren were pretty good. It's not perfect but it's not the worst Indiana Jones movie, it's still an alright film. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom gets 4 glowing stones out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Uh, I think I'll just check on Willie.
And another review done. Boy, I've finished that review quick. I started working on it Tuesday right after I finished the Batman Forever review and while I was working on Eggos & Promises. I've posted the newest chapter of Eggos & Promises yesterday, so feel free to go check it out and leave a review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look ath the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy. Which one is his favorite and which one is his least favorite, and do you agree? We'll find out his personal opinion on these movies next time. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.