The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic steps into the world of Dirty Harry as he tackles the fourth (and possibly his favorite) entry in the series, Sudden Impact. A film that many fans considered it to be the best in the series. Does the film still hold up till this day? We'll find out in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this chapter. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Sudden Impact is owned by Warner Bros. and Malpaso Productions.
Episode 174
Sudden Impact
(The Mayhem Critic intro starts before cutting to our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before he talks about today's topic. "Folks, let's talk about Dirty Harry."
(Clips from three of the Dirty Harry movies are shown. Movies shown in that order are Dirty Harry, Magnum Force and The Enforcer)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Dirty Harry Callahan? He's one of the most awesome action movie characters ever who tends to be a loose cannon by going around the streets of San Francisco taking out bad guys with his trusty .44 Magnum. As much as I love Clint Eastwood in westerns, I do enjoy seeing him in other roles like playing this iconic character. What's more awesome than seeing Clint Eastwood wielding a .44 Magnum and gunning down scum like the Scorpio Killer, dangerous vigilante cops and of course hippie terrorists while teamed up with Detective Lacey (Sean is referring to Tyne Daly's character Inspector Kate Moore from The Enforcer) So yeah, I love the Dirty Harry movies, they're enjoyable and memorable to watch.
"Which brings me to the topic of today's review because I really want to talk about this one because this is probably my favorite in the series." Sean said.
(The title screen for the "Sudden Impact" trailer is shown before cutting to clips from the movie while the main title theme composed by Lalo Schifrin plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Sudden Impact is the fourth entry in the Dirty Harry film series. Released in theaters on December 9th, 1983, this film mark the return of Dirty Harry Callahan. It's been seven years since the release of the third Dirty Harry film The Enforcer, which was supposed to be the final film in the Dirty Harry series, but there was a poll conducted by Warner Bros. to resurrect the film series which led to a fourth film. Eastwood never intended to make more Dirty Harry films, but private agreements with the studio allowed him to do more "personal" films. Also, this is the only film in the Dirty Harry film series to be directed by Eastwood and on top of all of that the film is the highest-grossing film of the series. This is the one that people consider this to be the best in the series and it is also my favorite as well, and you'll see why when I talk about the movie.
"Is this the best film in the Dirty Harry franchise? Well, let's take a closer look. This is Sudden Impact. Ooh, this is gonna be good!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
(The opening credits are shown with shots of San Francisco)
Sean: (Narrating) We open in San Francisco and we're treated to shots of the city and we get the most upbeat theme music that I've ever heard in a Dirty Harry movie.
(The main title theme plays throughout the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) Lalo Schifrin, who composed the music for Dirty Harry and Magnum Force, returns to compose the music for the movie after Jerry Fielding composed the music for The Enforcer back in 1976 and I have to say that this is a nice transition. We're not in the 70s anymore, Harry's made it to the 80s and the theme definitely let's us know that. It kinda reminds me of Herbie Hancock's "Rock It", now that I think about it.
"Also, I just love the police radio calls added in the beginning of the theme, it was a nice touch." Sean said.
Man #1: (Over radio) Twenty-two, 11.
Man #2: (Over radio) Twenty-two, 11.
Man #1: Twenty-two, 11. Officer down, corner of Center and Hardy.
(We open with a a shot of a car overlooking the Bay Area. Inside the car, a man is making out with some mysterious woman)
"Hey, now we're talking. The first five minutes of the movie, we get to see some action." Sean said.
(The mystery woman moves her hand down to the man's jeans, undoing them)
"Hey, hey, hey. Come on, now. You don't want me to get demonitized." Sean said.
(The woman pulls out a nickel plated Colt Detective Special revolver and presses the muzzle on the man's groin. We cut to the shot of the car and we hear two gunshots)
A look of shock appears on Sean's face after he witnessed what just happened.
"JESUS CHRIST! I didn't expect to see that in a Dirty Harry movie, but... yikes!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Naarrating) Yeah, that's one way to start a movie. Just show us a man macking with some attractive woman in a car and have her run her hands on schlong. You might think that he's getting some action, but then this happens...
(Cut to the shot of the car. We hear the first gunshot and before the second shot is fired, a sound clip from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me plays)
Fat Bastard: AAAUGGGGGHHHH! Right in the mommy-daddy button!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, you have this mysterious vigilante going around shooting people in the dick and killing them. What is her agenda? We'll get to that later as we cut to Inspector Harry Callahan, played by Clint Eastwood, arriving to court to see the suspect that he arrested, a guy named Hawkins played by Kevyn Major Howard. But because of Callahan's lawless methods, the judge dismisses the case, which leaves him frustrated.
Hawkins (Played by Kevyn Major Howard): Hey, Callahan. Don't look so puked-out. Better luck next time, fool.
(Hawkins and his gang start laughing as Harry grabs him by his tie and pulls him right towards him)
Harry Callahan (Played by Clint Eastwood): Listen, punk. To me, you're nothing but dog shit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dog shit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind, or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice: be careful where the dog shits you.
"Yeah, dude. You shouldn't piss off Harry Callahan like that. He will end you, trust me on that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry drives to his favorite diner to grab himselff a cup of coffee to go...
(The waitress pours a lot of sugar into Harry's coffee)
"Coffee with a whole lot of sugar." Sean said.
(As he leaves the diner, Harry reads the paper while he drinks his coffee. He immediately spits it out after noticing something unusual about it)
Sean: (V/O as Harry) Who the hell pissed in my coffee?
Sean: (Narrating) Harry sees that the diner is closed for some odd reason. But actually, it's a robbery going on. Not unless somebody has something to say about it.
(As one of the robbers head to the back with a woman, he stops as he sees Callahan inside as the theme to The Good, The Bad and the Ugly plays in the background)
Robber #1: What you doing, you pig-head sucker?
Harry Callahan: Every day for the last 10 years, Loretta there has been giving me a large black coffee. Today, she gives me a large black coffee, only it's got sugar in it. A lot of sugar. I just came back to complain. Now, you boys put those guns down.
"Ooh, this is gonna be good." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Harry Callahan: Well, we're not just gonna let you walk out of here.
Robber #1: Who is "we," sucker?
Harry Callahan: (Sits his coffee down on the counter and reaches inside his jacket) Smith & Wesson... and me.
(Harry pulls out his .44 Magnum and shoots the robber. He then shoots another robber who's armed with a shotgun. Two of the other robbers shoot at Harry, but they miss poorly. Harry shoots one robber in the arm and he turns his attention to the other robber and shoots him twice)
We cut back to Sean as we see him eating some popcorn while watching the scene.
"Oh, man! I told you this movie's going to be good." Sean said as he continued to eat his popcorn.
Sean: (Narrating) The robber holds Loretta hostage and tries to get away, but Harry and his trusty .44 Magnum stops him from escaping with a hostage and we get this iconic line ever.
(Harry points his .44 Magnum at the camera. We get a nice little zoom-in shot on the robber, followed by a split diopter shot and zoom-in shot on Harry and his .44 Magnum)
Harry Callahan: Go ahead, make my day.
"And I just got an erection from hearing that line." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, holy shit. Out of all the lines that they give Dirty Harry in these films, this has got to be one of the best lines ever. It's a line so awesome that in March of 1985, President Ronald Reagan used that line in his speech threatening to veto legislation raising taxes.
(A clip of President Ronald Reagan speaking at the American Business Conference from 1985 is shown)
President Ronald Reagan: And I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: go ahead, make my day.
Sean and Brian both applaud after the Ronald Reagan clip was shown.
"Yeah!" Brian cheered.
"You see that, folks? That is the power of Clint Eastwood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry is not done causing trouble as he plays wedding crasher and to question crime lord Threlkis, played by Michael V. Gazzo, at his granddaughter's wedding.
Threlkis (Played by Michael V. Gazzo): You know, men, like wine, should grow finer, more civilized. They should melllow, become more worldly. But not Callahan. Callahan is the one constant in an everchanging universe.
Harry Callahan: Linda Doker? She was fished out of the bay a month ago, with her breasts slashed, her feet burned, her face smashed to a pulp.
"Jesus, Harry. These people are enjoying the wedding. Let them have a good time. There's no need to make this wedding sound gruesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry continues to mention the dead hooker to Threlkis and when he threatens to prosecute him in a murder case, this happens.
Harry Callahan: (Pulls out an envelope) She might have been clever enough to write these things down. Maybe she made a copy of it. Maybe she didn't even tell about it when she was being tortured and beaten. I wonder what that old scumbag's bosses are gonna say when they find out about it. Or maybe his family. Maybe his ass is in a wringer.
Threlkis: You... (Stammering) You fuck- Fucking bas... You- You fucking...
(Threlkis collapses on the table)
"Holy shit! Dirty Harry just gave that mob boss a heart attack with his scowl. You know that Batman's Bat-Glare can put the fear into the hearts of men? Well, Dirty Harry's Callahan-Scowl will end up giving you a fatal heart attack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I think Threlkis had a flashback to when Tony Rosato ambushed him with a garotte.
(We see Threlkis having a heart attack before cutting to a clip from The Godfather Part II as we see Frank Pentangeli, getting ambushed by Tony Rosato with a garotte)
Tony Rosato (Played by Danny Aiello): Michael Corleone says hello.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Harry comes across the crime scene where the Nutshot Bandit kills her first victim and he becomes disgusted over something.
Harry Callahan: No, this stuff isn't gettin' to me. The knifings, the beatings, old ladies being bashed in the head for their Social Security checks, teachers being thrown out of a fourth-floor window because they don't give As, that doesn't bother me a bit.
Burly Detective (Played by Joe Bellan): Come on, Harry, take it easy.
Harry Callahan: Or this job either, having to wade through the scum of this city. Being swept away by bigger and bigger waves of corruption, apathy and red tape. No, that doesn't bother me. But you know what does bother me?
Burly Detective: What?
Harry Callahan: You know what makes me really sick to my stomach?
Burly Detective: What?
Harry Callahan: Is watching you stuff your face with those hot dogs. Nobody, I mean nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog.
We cut back to Sean as we see him putting mustard and ketchup on his hot dog before looking up at the camera.
"Uh, I only put mustard and ketchup on my hot dog. I hope that's not a problem. Boy, Harry Callahan not liking ketchup on a hot dog is like Jack Murphy not liking mayonaisse." Sean said.
(A clip from Murphy's Law is shown)
Jack Murphy (Played by Charles Bronson): I don't like mayonaisse!
"And then there's me, who likes mustard on his burgers." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see the Nutshot Bandit admiring her handiwork as we cut to an art gallery, where we see Clint Eastwood's ex-wife Sondra Locke playing the role of artist Jennifer Spencer, as she let's her friend know that she's leaving town today.
Leah (Played by Bette Ford): But you'll miss the exhibit, you'll miss the opening.
Jennifer Spencer (Played by Sondra Locke): Well, I'm much better at the painting than I am the receptions. Can I give you an address to send the paintings?
Leah: Of course. But think positive. It's money we'll be sending from the sales. Where will you go?
Jennifer Spencer: North, to visit someone.
"Hmm, why do I get the feeling that she's the Nutshot Bandit? Nah! She couldn't be." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and here's how men in the 80s treat women.
Man #1: (Sees Jennifer) Look at the blonde baby! Mama, check it out.
(The young men start catcalling at Jennifer)
Man #1: How you doing?
Man #2: Hey. How you doing, huh?
Man #1: She wants to play.
Jennifer Spencer: Need a lift?
Man #1: Sure, baby.
Jennifer Spencer: Then shove a jack up your ass.
(Jennifer drives away)
"Damn!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Harry, we see him getting chewed out by Captain Briggs, played by the late Bradford Dillman, because he gave an elderly mob boss a fatal heart attack.
Captain Briggs (Played by Bradford Dillman): Are you aware that you have destroyed months of surveilance and intelligence work? I mean, we're talking thousands of dollars, hundreds of man-hours. Special investigations have been busting it's ass preparing a case against Threlkis.
Harry Callahan: He would've just snaked his way out of it. Maybe we saved the taxpayers a little money.
Captain Briggs: I ought to bust your ass down to Traffic. Or better yet, kick it off the force. You're a dinosaur, Callahan. Your ideas don't fit today.
"Bitch, who the hell are you calling a dinosaur? Clint Eastwood was like 52 years old when he did this movie and he's still spry in his age. Same with Charles Bronson and he was in his 60s. So you better shut the fuck up and show him some respect, Captain Pornstache." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Callahan gives Briggs a 7-point suppository...
(A clip from The Enforcer is shown)
Captain Jerome McKay (Played by Bradford Dillman): (Stunned) What did you say?
Harry Callahan: (Angrily) I said STICK IT IN YOUR ASS!
Sean: (Narrating) The police commissioner suggests that Harry shout take a vacation, mostly because of his unorthodox methods and may be attempts at retaliation. Riiiiiiiiight. I'm pretty sure that he won't go on vacation. Meanwhile, we see that Jennifer arriving at the community hospital to visit her sister Elizabeth, who's in a catatonic state and she talks to her about what she did.
Jennifer Spencer: Beth. I saw one of them. He just appeared on the street in front of me. At first I thought I was having some horrible vision. But no. He was there. Older, uglier. I followed him. For days I watched him. Then I bought a gun. I followed him to a bar. Let him pick me up. Let him drive me to a deserted spot. Let him think... It was like I was outside myself.
"Turns out that Jennifer is the Nutshot Bandit that killed the guy. What was the reason why? We'll get to that later because she's an interesting character and we'll talk more about her story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Harry leaves after having a nice dinner, until some hired goons...
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Hired goons?
(Some hired goons grab Homer out of the house)
Sean: (Narrating) ...are in pursuit of al dente justice of their own.
(Harry shoots at the car. The car stops as three mob assassins: one armed with a Browning Hi-Power pistol and two who are armed with IMI Uzi submachine guns, open fire on Harry as he jumps in a car for cover)
"Fuck! These guys mean business!" Sean exclaimed.
(Harry gets into a shootout with the assassins before making a run for it. They continue to shoot at Harry, but they don't hit him)
"Oh, my God! You guys are the worst assassins ever. Stop shooting at the cars, you jerks!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Jeez, how hard is it to hit one old guy? When I say that you guys have the aim of a Stormtrooper, I actually mean it!
(Harry runs and hides from the assassins. The assassins follow Harry and they see that he's hiding in a dumpster as they approach it)
"Are you guys serious? You actually going to for a semi-circle around the dumpster and start unloading your clips at it to make sure that he's in there?" Sean asked.
(The assassins open fire on the dumpster. After they finish shooting at it, one of the assassins approach the dumpster to check to see if Harry's inside)
Sean: (V/O as Mob Assassin) Duh, is he in there?
(Harry, who was hiding in a barrel, pops up and shoots the assassin in the head before taking out the other assassins)
"Ladies and gentlemen, the world's dumbest assassins ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little incident involving the dumbest mob assassins ever, Lt. Donnelly played by Michael Currie, is a little concerned about Harry's safety.
Harry Callahan: So, what else is new?
Lt. Donnelly (Played by Michael Currie): Harry. These bastards are not a bunch of junkies. To their minds, you killed Threlkis, same as if you pulled the trigger. They're not gonna stop. They'll gonna keep coming after you.
Harry Callahan: Good, that way we'll know where they are.
Lt. Donnelly: You're incredible, Callahan. You're also on vacation as of right now.
Harry Callahan: I'm not up for a vacation.
Lt. Donnelly: You are, damn it, I just put you up. Now, go grab yourself some R and R and for Christ's sake stay out of trouble. You hear me, Callahan? Peace and quiet.
"I do not want to hear about you getting into shootout with some gang members or you wiping out the entire cast of The Sopranos. Just stay out of trouble." Sean said, imitating Lt. Donnelly.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harry spends his vacation week doing some target practice until some guy shows up to his home. Also, I would like to point out the cameraman's reflection on the windshield.
(We see the cameraman's reflection on the windshield of Horace's car)
Sean: (Narrating) The guy pulls out a shotgun and sneaks up on Harry, but not before Harry turns around and recognizes that it's an old buddy of his, Horace King played by Albert Popwell, who appeared in three Dirty Harry movies as different characters. Plus, they spend their time showing off their fancy guns.
(Horace aims his Smith & Wesson 3000 shotgun at the paper target and shoots at it)
Harry Callahan: Not bad.
Horace King (Played by Albert Popwell): Not bad, my ass. You gotta strain the remains for the fingerprints.
Harry Callahan: (Shows off his new gun) Well, this is a .44 Magnum Auto-Mag. It hold a 300-grain cartridge and if properly used, it can remove the fingerprints.
"If properly used? Dude, that is a friggin' hand cannon. It could put a giant-sized hole through ya!" Sean exclaimed.
(Harry fires his .44 Magnum Auto-Mag before we cut to the famous head-exploding scene from Scanners. Harry fires his gun again, this time cutting to a clip from RoboCop featuring the ED-209 exploding. Harry fires two more times, this time cutting to a clip from Stranger Things featuring Vecna getting shot. For the last two shots, we cut to a clip from Star Wars: A New Hope, where we see the planet Alderaan exploding)
Luke Skywalker: (Audio Only) NOOOOOOOOOO!
"Oops. Yeah, better not blow up planets with that thing." Sean said.
Horace King: Now, listen, when you get cut, you'll bleed P.D. blue, jamf.
Harry Callahan: What the hell's a "jamf"?
Horace King: That means you're a jive-ass mother...
Harry Callahan: Forget I asked.
"Had to. It another one of my favorite lines from the movie, jamf." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to beautiful costal town, where we see Jennifer arriving at an amusement park where she's shown around the carousel. She then takes a walk on the beach and she sees something, which causes a flashback to that night.
"Now, here's where I say that Jennifer is an interesting character and what I'm gonna talk about and if you're sensitive to this kind of stuff, I suggest that you skip this part.
Sean: (Naarrating) Ten years ago, Jennifer and her sister Elizabeth were gang raped, and that left Jennifer's sister in a catatonic state. Yeah, we get a pretty disturbing rape scene in a Dirty Harry movie. And you see the reason why Jennifer is getting revenge on the men who raped her and Elizabeth. When I watched this scene when I was like 15 years old, I was pretty disturbed by it because you can see how helpless that Jennifer and Elizabeth were. And you know something, I love how they tackle Jennifer's storyline in this one. We have Harry's storyline and Jennifer's storyline and we're just waiting to see their stories coming together. And speaking of Harry's storyline, we see that Harry is having a lovely drive through San Francisco until Hawkins and his cronies decide to screw with him.
(Hawkins and his buddies drive alongside Harry's car while one of them hits his car with a baseball bat while Hawkins hits Harry's car with a crowbar)
"Really, now? What are you guys trying to achieve here? You really want to die, don't you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They try to kill Harry by throwing some Molotov Cocktails, but Harry gives them a lesson on what happens when you mess with him.
(Harry grabs one of the Molotovs from out of the car)
Sean: (V/O as Harry) Here, have a drink!
(Harry throws the Molotov Cocktail at Hawkins' car, causing them to drive off the dock and crash their car into the bay and they die instantly)
"See? This is why you don't mess with Dirty Harry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lt. Donnelly isn't too happy about how Harry is spending his vacation. So now vacation's over and Lt. Donnelly gets Harry assigned to the George Wilburn case, where he learns that he came from San Paulo.
Lt. Donnelly: I want you to get down there and pick up whatever background you can on him.
Harry Callahan: What is this crap?
Lt. Donnelly: It's a murder case, Harry.
Harry Callahan: And you're shipping me out?
Lt. Donnelly: Goddamn it, Callahan. I'm doing you a favor. You're a walking freaking combat zone. People have a nasty habit of getting dead around you.
"Try asking that to Harry's three partners." Sean said as pictures of Inspector Chico Gonzales, Inspector Early Smith and Inspector Kate Moore are shown. "They end up either injured or killed."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harry leaves San Francisco and heads down to the sunny shores of San Paulo, where I'm pretty sure that he won't be causing any...
(An alarm bell rings as we see a bank robbery in progress)
"Aw, shit!" Sean exclaimed. "So much for R and R."
(A young police officer named Officer Bennett, played by Mark Keyloun, steps out of his police cruiser as he confronts the bank robber)
Officer Bennett (Played by Mark Keyloun): Freeze, mother-!
(The bank robber shoots Officer Bennett and injures him)
Sean: (Narrating) Harry's welcome in San Paulo starts off with a bang as he chases after the bank robber who steals a cop's motorcycle, so Harry finds an appropriate mode of transportation to chase after the dastardly robber.
(Harry goes after the bank robber in a retirement home bus while the theme song to The Golden Girls "Thank You For Being a Friend" by Cynthia Fee plays in the background. During the chase, the robber shoots at the bus. The passengers scream as Harry looks back and notices the elderly passengers on the bus)
Harry Callahan: Police officer in pursuit of a robbery suspect. Hang on.
Elderly Man: Shag his ass.
Elderly Woman: Yeah, get that sucker!
Sean breaks down in laughter. "Oh, man. If there's an old man joke I could make about Eastwood. Nope, I'm not gonna. Because this movie did it for me. You have Clint Eastwood chasing a guy while driving a retirement home bus filled with old people. I'm guessing it's the movie's way of telling us that Dirty Harry is getting too old for this shit."
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, this chase scene inspired the chase scene between Harry Tasker and the main bad guy in True Lies.
(Harry hits the motorcycle, causing the robber to fly off into some potted flowers. Jennifer turns around and sees this as Harry exits the bus and arrests the robber)
Sean: (V/O as Jennifer) Who is this hunky old guy?
Harry Callahan: (To the robber) I guess I'd better read you your rights.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry then meets the local police chief Lester Jannings, played by Pat Hingle, but the guy is not too keen on Harry's big-city antics in his small town.
Chief Jannings (Played by Pat Hingle): We know how to do our business, so you keep your nose out of it. You read me, Harry?
Harry Callahan: Aye, aye, sir.
"Oh, so this is how Comissioner Gordon's like if he wasn't working for the GCPD. Not only that, as much as I love Pat Hingle in the Batman movie, they make his character in this movie a bigger asshole than Captain Briggs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry gets settled in to his motel, where Horace leaves a gift for him, which is a bulldog and while jogging with his dog the next day, he bumps into Jennifer.
(Jennifer falls off of her bike while Harry's dog runs straight towards her)
Harry Callahan: Damn, Meathead.
Jennifer Spencer: What did you call me?
"Damn, Eastwood. Way to talk to your ex-wife like that. Don't you have any respect?" Sean asked.
Harry Callahan: Oh, I was talking to the dog.
"Oh, that's the dog's name. Okay, nevermind. You're good." Sean said.
Jennifer Spencer: Listen, buster, if you can't control him, get a leash. There are laws.
(Meathead starts growling)
Jennifer Spencer: Quiet!
Sean: (V/O as Meathead) Rowwy.
Harry Callahan: Well, you seem to be all right.
Jennifer Spencer: I'm fine, but you'd better get it together.
(Harry looks back at Jennifer while she leaves. Then Meathead starts panting)
Harry Callahan: Quiet!
(Meathead shakes his head and turns around and farts)
"I'm sorry, did we get a fart gag in a Dirty Harry movie? Well, with this movie dealing with rape and stuff and being the darker, grittier film, it has to throw in some lighthearted humor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry gets himself situated at the San Paulo police station, where these small town cops just look at him like he's an outsider. Mostly because he's from San Francisco and they know about his antics, and Officer Bennett played by Mark Keyloun, shows him to his desk and makes him feel welcomed, unlike some people.
(We get a split diopter shot of Harry looking at Chief Janning, who's staying silent before walking away)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I got my eye on you, Commissioner Gordon. You're up to no good. Later, Harry heads to the local bar to get himself a drink and he takes no time in noticing some of the bar's surly customer, one of which happens to be this lovely lady named Ray Parkins, played by Audrie J. Neenan.
Ray Parkins (Played by Audrie J. Neenan): Hey, you, Kruger. Wanna go a couple of chugalugs for some scratch?
Bar Guy: What about us?
Ray Parkins: Suck my ass with a straw.
"Boy, the colorful language on her. I bet some guy is lucky to go out with her." Sean said.
(Ray approaches Harry)
Ray Parkins: Hey. Hi, cutie. Wanna buy me a drink?
Harry Callahan: Not today. (Sips his beer)
Ray Parkins: Come on, sailor. I know there's some question you wanna ask me. Go ahead. You might get lucky.
Harry Callahan: Only with humans.
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is shown)
Will and Uncle Phil Banks (Played by Will Smith and James Avery): (Both) Damn!
Sean: (Narrating) Ray tries to take a swing at Harry, but Harry knocks her down and the locals in the bar don't take too kindly to strangers beating up on women who look like Gruntilda the Witch.
Bartender (Played by Morgan Upton): Looking for trouble, pal?
Harry Callahan: I'm looking for friends of George Wilburn's.
Guy at Bar #1: Are you a cop?
Guy at Bar #2: What did he do?
Harry Callahan: He lost his balls. He got killed.
(The patrons and the bartender stay silent with a look of shock and disgust, then suddenly Ray starts laughing. While she's laughing, the patrons and the bartender start to laugh as well before Harry leaves the bar)
"Jesus, what kind of sick bar is this? You tell them that a guy gets shot in the balls and killed and they end up finding it being funny. No wonder Harry walked out of the bar. You guys are some sick fucks. Does everybody in that town find death amusing?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of death, Jennier loads up her trusty revolver and goes after her next target who's sitting on the beach just relaxing and doing some fishing. And that guy happens to be Kruger, played by Jack Thibeau.
Jennifer Spencer: You don't remember, do you?
Kruger (Played by Jack Thibeau): Remember what?
Jennifer Spencer: My sister and I will never forget. (Jennifer reaches into her purse and pulls out her revolver, pointing it at Kruger) One night long ago? Under the boardwalk? Remember?
Sean: (V/O as Kruger) Under the Boardwalk? Are you talking about the song by The Drifters?
(Jennifer shoots Kruger in the groin, then finishes him off by shooting him in the head)
"I guess you could say that she totally... blew his load." Sean said as he puts his sunglasses on a la Lt. Horatio Caine.
(The "Yeah!" part of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" plays while the CSI: Miami intro is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Harry returns to his motel room when suddenly, Meathead's doggy senses starts tingling.
(Meathead grows at the door. Harry sees his dog messing with one of the doors. He unlocks his door and reaches for his .44 Magnum. As Meathead continues to mess with the door, the door opens revealing the mob assassin. He pops out and trips over Meathead as he shoots at Harry, missing him right when Harry ducks for cover, then guns down the assassin. The assassin dies and Harry and Meathead look at each other)
Harry Callahan: Well, it looks like I owe you one, Meathead.
"Okay, I would pay good money just to see a movie about these two." Sean said as a fake poster titled "Dirty Harry & Meathead" is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry heads to the crime scene and find Chief Jannings there, but Jannings wants to be an asshole towards Harry some more because he doesn't like him and he wants him out of his town. But Harry's not going to leave until he finishes the investigation.
Harry Callahan: The m.o.'s the same. Now, Ballistics will ID the bullet that's coming from the same gun. I can just go...
Chief Jannings: You're not gonna do one goddamn thing but get your ass out of here! I mean now. I mean, right this goddamn minute! Or I'll swear to Jesus I'll lock you up.
Sean: (V/O as Harry) Hi, completely different person. I'm Harry Callahan.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, where the hell did that come from? Did somebody piss in his coffee? He just went from "I don't like you." to "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOWN OR I'LL ARREST YOUR BIG-CITY ASS!" I mean, come on, dude. He's trying to help you guys out and you want to be a complete dick about it. Hell, imagine if he talked to Batman like that.
(Cut to a clip from Batman Returns)
Commissioner Gordon: (His dialogue is replaced with Chief Jannings' dialogue) You're not gonna do one goddamn thing but get your ass out of here! I mean now. I mean, right goddamn minute! Or I'll swear to Jesus I'll lock you up.
"Geez! Is everybody in the town of San Paulo a complete asshole towards Harry?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Ray meets with Tyrone, played by Wendell Wellman, at his hardware store to tell him about Kruger's death and Wilburn's death too, and that Jennifer has come back to get them. But Tyrone plays it off like he doesn't know anything.
Ray Parkins: I think she's come back.
Tyrone (Played by Wendell Wellman): Who?
Ray Parkins: Oh, don't try and pretend with me, you hypocritical shit! You dipped your wick just like the rest of them.
Tyrone: Oh, will you shut your mouth? You evil witch.
Ray Parkins: What's the matter, afraid somebody's gonna hear? Afraid you'll lose some of your customers if they find out?
Tyrone: There's nothing to find out.
"Besides, I got a regular customer who's always coming in for some tools. He's always trying to improve stuff at his home just to give them more power, and yet it goes haywire." Sean said, imitating Tyrone.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Las Vegas, where we see Mick, played by Paul Drake, as we see him getting busy with some hooker until the phone rings.
Mick (Played by Paul Drake): (While getting aggressive with the hooker while the phone rings) Don't stop now, bitch.
Young Hooker (Played by Lisa London): I can't! The phone!
(Mick pulls on the hooker's hair and throws her down on the bed, then answers the phone)
Mick: Who the fuck is this?
Sean: (V/O as Guy on Phone) Uh, yeah. Is this Amanda Hugginkiss?
Mick: Well... how do? Getting near my time to call you. I like it like this.
Sean: (V/O as Guy on Phone) Wait a minute, you're not my wife Amanda. Who the hell is this?
Sean: (Narrating) Ray calls Mick to tell him about the deaths of their good time buddies and it's off to San Paulo he goes. Meanwhile, Harry heads into Chief Jannings' office and sees a photo on a wall, in which he notices Kruger in it. So he heads to the local fish market to talk to Kruger's wife. But two burly men won't let him talk to her.
Eddie (Played by Russ McCubbin): You from the insurance company, pal?
Harry Callahan: No.
Eddie: Then if you don't wanna buy some of these fish, get your ass out of here.
Harry Callahan: (To Kruger's wife) Mrs. Kruger, my name's Callahan.
Carl (Played by Robert Sutton): You got shit in your ears, buddy?
"Okay, these two clowns want Eastwood to go "Full Eastwood" on their asses, because they're asking for an ass beating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Mrs. Kruger's brothers try to attack Harry, but Harry manages to kick their asses, until she pulls a shotgun out on him. Well, so much for questioning her. Later, Harry goes somewhere to eat and he finds Jennifer sitting alone at a table, so he joins her for a beer.
Jennifer Spencer: So how's police business?
Harry Callahan: What makes you think I'm a cop?
Jennifer Spencer: I saw the commotion here the other day. You're either a cop or public enemy number one.
"Well, does cowboy count?" Sean asked, imitating Harry.
Jennifer Spencer: This is the age of lapsed responsibilities and defeated justice. Today, "an eye for an eye" means "only if you're caught." Even then it's an indefinite postponement and "let's settle out of court." Does that sound profound or just boring? Sorry, I'm sure you get that sort of thing all the time.
Harry Callahan: No, I don't hear it enough.
Jennifer Spencer: Well, I promise to adjourn Philosophy 101.
(A waiter arrives with their drinks)
Harry Callahan: What do you do for a living?
Jennifer Spencer: I paint.
Harry Callahan: Paint? Houses, cars, what?
Jennifer Spencer: Horses.
"And in her spare time, she shoots rapists in the balls and blows their brains out. That's the kind of art that she's into." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harry tells Jennifer that he's a San Francisco police officer and he's investigating a case and gathering information.
Jennifer Spencer: Anything interesting?
Harry Callahan: It's coming around.
Jennifer Spencer: Got any theories?
Harry Callahan: Somebody's doing some killing, and I have a hunch it's gonna go on.
Jennifer Spencer: A psycho?
Harry Callahan: Probably. Of course, it could be somebody just collecting on a debt.
Jennifer Spencer: Revenge?
Harry Callahan: The oldest motivation known to mankind.
(A clip from the Seinfeld episode The Revenge is shown)
Jerry Seinfeld (Played by Jerry Seinfeld): Oh, the best revenge is living well.
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): There's no chance in that.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of revenge, Paula Kersey goes to her next victim, which is Tyrone and she confronts him in his garage at his house and she gets ready to make him pay for what he's done to her and her sister.
Tyrone: (Sees Jennifer) The witch was right. It is you.
Jennifer Spencer: (Points her gun at Tyrone) Put down the gun.
Tyrone: (Puts his gun down) Now, look, I mean, you gotta understand something. That was a long time ago. It was 10 years ago. I was just a... a kid. I didn't mean anything by it. I know it was wrong... but I was drunk. I didn't even know what I was doing. Well, I'm a businessman now. I'm making money. I can give you some of it. You need money, right? Please. It wasn't my fault. The others made me do it. Don't make me beg. It wasn't that bad, was it? Not bad enough to kill me for.
"Yeah, dude. Don't be begging for your life now. You know where she's gonna shoot you at." Sean said.
(Jennifer shoots Tyrone in the groin and a sound clip from Kung Fu Panda plays)
Po (Voiced by Jack Black): (After getting hit in the groin) OOOOOH! My tenders!
(Cut to Jennifer as she shoots Tyrone in the head)
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Harry heads over to Tyrone's house, only to find him dead. Then Jannings tells him that he has every man on the street to do the best that they can on solving this thing and yet they're not doing a good job at doing so.
Chief Jannings: Callahan, this is not, repeat, not, your jurisdiction, so you stay out of it. I'm warning you.
Harry Callahan: Aren't you curious as to why I was here?
(Jannings turns to Harry and stays silent before Harry leaves)
"Yeah, there's something up with Jannings. He doesn't want Harry involved in this case. He's trying to kick him out of his town while being a jerkoff towards him. Also, why is that photo on his wall so important that he took it off of his wall in his office? Does he know those people in the photo?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Jennifer heads down to Ray's house and she has another flashback to the day that Ray invited her and her sister Elizabeth to their little party, and she gets ready to make Ray her next victim. But her killing spree is interrupted when Herry heads over to Ray's place to ask her some questions right when Mick is about to beat her up.
Ray Parkins: What the hell is this?
Harry Callahan: Police officer. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Mick: My ass!
(Mick runs over to the coffee table to grab his gun. Harry grabs Mick by his wrist and starts beating him up)
Ray Parkins: You? Goddamn it. You son of a bitch! (Ray hits Harry repeatedly) You bastard! Knock it off! Stop it!
(Harry slugs Ray in the face)
"Yeah, you made the mistake of attacking Dirty Harry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jennifer watches as Harry arrests Mick and right after he leaves, she goes after Ray.
Ray Parkins: So... the bitch is here. (Sips her beer) So tell me. How's your slut sister?
(Jennifer shoots Ray in her chest and shoots her in the head, killing her)
"Luckily, she doesn't have any nuts. But she just shot her square in the boob." Sean said.
(A clip from Birds of Prey plays right when Jennifer shoots Ray)
Harley Quinn (Played by Margot Robbie): (After Montoya punches her in the boob) Right in the tit!
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Harry is spending some time with Jennifer as they both share a beer with each other and he drops her off at home and she invites him inside for drinks. Also, he gets a little preview of her artwork.
Harry Callahan: Unusual.
Jennifer Spencer: Yeah.
(Jennifer give Harry his glass of brandy)
Jennifer Spencer: I have a rule. Never drink with a critic. You wanna be alone tonight, Callahan? Neither do I.
"Well, looks like Harry's gonna get laid tonight. Luckily, she's not gonna shoot his nuts off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Harry sleeps with Jennifer and after he's done the deed with her, he leaves. But not until he notices her car that he saw up at Ray's place. And while all that is going on, Horace arrives in San Paulo to surprise Harry, only to get a different surprise when Mick and his boys ambush him. Back with Harry, he goes over to Ray's place, only to find her dead. So he goes to question Kruger's wife once more, but the woman won't cooperate. Oh, well. Guess it's time to call it a...
(Harry gets punched in the face)
"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.
(Mick, Eddie and Carl ambush Harry)
Mick: Hotshot cop. Your ass is mine.
"Uh, no. Only Eastwood could say this to you." Sean said.
(A clip from Heartbreak Ridge is shown)
Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Highway (Played by Clint Eastwood): Your ass is mine.
"Only Eastwood could sound intimidating when saying that to someone." Sean said.
(Mick, Eddie and Carl beat up Harry)
Sean: (Narrating) They proceed to beat up Harry and they toss him and his gun into the ocean. Damn, we've seen Harry survive a beatdown from the Scorpio Killer, vigilante cops and Hal Holbrook trying to kill him and rocket-armed hippie terrorists on Alcatraz. But here, they just beat him up and throw him into the ocean.
"And on top of all of that, they throw his gun into the ocean as well. I bet that pissed everyone off when they saw that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Jennifer's killing spree continues as she arrives to the home of the person who raped her as well, Alby played by Matthew Child. But before she could kill him, Jannings was waiting for her the whole time. Turns out that Alby is Chief Jannings' son and he was part of the gang rape. He's also friends with Mick, Ray, Kruger, Wilburn and Tyrone. But because of his guilty conscience, he attempted suicide by getting into a car accident, which left him with permanent brain damage and leaving him in a catatonic state and Jannings tries to protect his only son.
Chief Jannings: You see, I was a public figure. So... I did it. I fixed it. And now I want you to just go. Let it end.
"So, you're willing to protect your son by releasing the people who were responsible and you didn't want this case investigated because you knew exactly who these people were. Some police chief you are." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mick shows up to Jannings' house and captures Jennifer and Mick uses Jennifer's gun to shoot and kill Jannings. Meanwhile, Harry survives his beatdown and returns to his motel to find Horace dead and his dog Meathead injured, and while Harry brings out the big guns, Mick and his gang bring Jennifer to the boardwalk to rape her again.
Mick: If there's anything left, you boys can have a piece. (Laughs)
Jennifer Spencer: Okay, you prickless scum. You wanna try it again? You think you can get it up this time? Think you can make it work this time? If you want me, you filthy maggot... you take me. Because this time you'll have to rape my dead body!
(Mick hits Jennifer in the face, then Jennifer kicks him in the groin)
Sean: (V/O as Mick) AAAHHH! MY NUTS!
Sean: (Narrating) They chase after Jennifer through the amusement park and Mick's crazy ass channels his inner Chris Brown by punching her in the face, but before he kills her, guess who shows up.
Eddie: Holy shit.
(Mick and his gang are startled by Callahan's return from the dead. Harry is armed with his .44 Auto Mag. We see Harry shrouded in shadows. Also, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly theme plays)
"Oooh, you better get the ponchos ready, because this is gonna get bloody." Sean said.
(Harry approaches Mick and his gang. Eddie and Carl take cover as Carl hides behind a sign. Harry shoots through the sign and kills Carl, he then kills Eddie as well)
Sean: (Narrating) And we all know this setup. Mick is holding Jennifer hostage and he has nowhere to go with Harry pointing his gun at him. We all know how this is gonna end. Give him the line, Harry.
Harry Callahan: Come on, make my day.
Mick: (Laughs) That's not a bad idea, is it?
(Jennifer breaks free from Mick and Harry shoots him. Mick falls off of the roller coaster, and crashes through the glass roof of the carousel below and impaled on a carousel unicorn)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Dirty Harry Wins. Flawless Victory. Fatality.
Sean: (Narrating) With the bad guys dead, there's only one thing left for Harry to do. And that is to...
Jennifer Spencer: Read me my rights? Well, what exactly are my rights? And where was all this concern for my rights when I was being beaten and mauled? And what about my sister's rights when she was being brutalized? There is a thing called justice. And was it justice that they should all just walk away? You'll never understand, Callahan.
Officer Bennett: Inspector, we found a .38 snub in his belt.
(Harry sees the gun)
Harry Callahan: Run it through ballistics. I think you'll find his gun there was used in all the killings.
Officer Bennett: Then it's over?
Harry Callahan: Yeah, it's over.
"Uh, yeah. Here's the thing: police will match the registration of the gun to Jennifer. If it was discovered that the gun belonged to her, she could face prison time for the murders and Harry could be charged with falsification of evidence." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But who cares? Happy ending! Jennifer's rapists are killed, Jannings is dead and Harry is letting Jennifer go that easy. And the movie ends with a song by Roberta Flack.
(During the end credits, the song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack plays)
"Okay, that song was played during the love scene in Play Misty For Me. I'm talking about the other Roberta Flack song that played during the end credits of this movie." Sean said.
(The song "This Side of Forever" by Roberta Flack plays during the end credits)
"And that was Sudden Impact and it's still my favorite Dirty Harry movie after all these years." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? It's Dirty Harry meets Death Wish. It's the perfect combination. Due to it's rape theme and compared to the other Dirty Harry movies, this one is considered to be the darker, grittier and most violent one in the series. Also, you have a villain in the movie who's batshit insane. Whenever I watch this movie, I'm never bored. This is the one that I watch the most because of that epic line. It's impossible to complain about a movie that I really like. But I have nothing but positive things to say about it. I love the music, I love the acting, I love the cinematography, the story, Eastwood's direction. This movie is truly one of the best Dirty Harry movies. Sudden Impact comes in at 5 nuts being shot off out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he left the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Go ahead, make my day.
And another chapter finished. So what did you think of it? Do you think that Sudden Impact is the best Dirty Harry movie ever? If you've seen the movie, then tell me your thoughts about it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, which movie should Sean the Mayhem Critic review next? Here are the choices:
1. Double Impact: It's double the Van Damme, double the action and double the fun when Sean takes a look at the movie Double Impact.
2. The Rookie: The unlikely pairing of Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen in the same movie with the same name as the 2002 Dennis Quaid movie. What are Sean's thoughts about this movie?
3. The Top 11 Funniest In Living Color Sketches: Sean the Mayhem Critic counts down his picks for the top 11 funniest In Living Color sketches.
Which one of the three do you want me to review next? Feel free to leave a review, follow this story for future updates and add it to your favorites. Also, if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.