Skill 112: Smoke Cigarettes Like A Middle Aged Salary Man (On Rare Occasions)

"Here's your change!"

It was pathetic really. But that's the life of a virgin for you. A seventeen year old virgin who went to your average high school, he might add. But no, if he was telling the truth that's not what he found pathetic about his meager existence. No, it was his slight obsession with Rem-san, the young girl who worked the second counter at the supermarket which he had begun to frequent on a steady basis.

"…Thanks."

He couldn't really explain it but there was something about her demure nature, her friendly behaviour, her kind eyes, her natural beauty and her ever present smile which he found rather endearing. It also helped that she was really good at her job and knew a thing or two about proper manners and customer service.

It wouldn't be a stretch to describe her as the perfect customer handler.

He wouldn't really be shocked to learn that the supermarket received more customers because of her. After all, he was one of them. He felt a tad embarrassed to admit it, but after a grueling day at school, he sometimes visited the supermarket just to relax and loosen up. And interacting with Rem-san, no matter how small their interaction might be, always had a healing effect on him.

As such, it wouldn't be a complete lie to at least admit to himself that he was always looking forward to his next encounter with Rem-san, the cute blue haired cashier at the supermarket.

"Thank you so much!"

Rem-san's smile seemed a bit forced.

Now that he thought about it, he might have made a small miscalculation on his end. How could he be so stupid? But if he was telling the truth it wasn't exactly his fault.

Since he visited the supermarket often to rejuvenate himself by taking his fixed dosage of Rem-san, and since Rem-san worked the cash counter at the supermarket, the only way he could interact with her was if he bought things. But he had severely underestimated his need to get his daily fix of Rem-san and as a result he might have gone overboard and bought a ton of things, things which he didn't really need.

Although the stuff he bought were mostly snacks and food items, he had to look after his own health. He wasn't a middle schooler anymore. And just giving them out to his fellow students at the school would be weird and awkward and completely out of character for him. People might think he was dying or something.

As such, the only recourse he had was to give them to Rem-san, the cute cashier at the supermarket, who must be overworked and underpaid and might appreciate getting a pack of delicious okaki, crispy rice crackers made out of mochi rice cakes, salt and oil.

But being a veteran loner who had his fair share of dealings with forced social conventions, he knew when someone was lying.

Rem-san was definitely not happy.

"Here's your change! Thank you very much!"

And just when he thought the day couldn't get any worse, Rem-san wasn't there at the counter to meet him. He should have expected it. After all, yesterday he might have upset her a bit. He might have assumed a thing or two and completely misunderstood the situation. Rem-san was a nice girl. She was nice to everyone. He was not special. Besides, he was a rotten dead fish eyed loner and she was a young beautiful woman in her late teens. It was only natural for her not to want anything to do with him. He must have given the wrong impression. And tonight when he thought, he would finally get a chance to explain himself, she wasn't even at the counter.

But perhaps he was over thinking things a bit too much. It could be possible that she took the day off (because she didn't want to deal with creepy customers like him, a voice in the back of his mind informed him) or perhaps she had already clocked out. He liked to think it was the latter. After all, he was stuck at school far longer today, because Isshiki thought it would be a good idea to have a late student council meeting. A rather pointless meeting he might add. And just when he thought he would refresh himself by interacting with Rem-san, it turns out that she had already clocked out for the day.

Today was just not his day.

Oh well,

It seemed like he would have to resort to good old fashion cigarettes to get the edge off and relax for a bit after a tiresome day at school. Sometimes and really he do means sometimes, it was only nicotine which got him through life. It was an unhealthy habit and he was probably reducing his life span by more than a couple of years, but he didn't really care one way or the other. After all, who wants to live forever?

But just as he took out a cigarette and a lighter from his suit pocket, he came face to face with a problem which plagued all smokers in the country – annoyed glares and judgmental looks. Well, he didn't really care about random strangers on the streets and what they thought about him. But he was worried about whether or not he was breaking the law and as it turns out this was a no smoking zone. Really, what was wrong with this country? You can't even smoke without breaking the law.

Now where can a man get his daily fix of nicotine without being reported to the authorities?

"Psst, mister." A voice called out from the back. "C'mere, c'mere!"

It was a young woman and she was calling out to him from the back of Rem-san's store. As he followed her voice, he found out that there was a small space around the back of the supermarket, and from what he could tell it was private and secluded enough not to bother anyone from the street. The place was used as a makeshift storage and a few boxes, cartons and crates were strewn about in an orderly manner. The woman who had invited him to this spot was sitting on top of one of the plastic cartons and most importantly she had a pack of cigarettes in her palm.

"Is it really okay to smoke here?" He asked.

"Yeah. I come here all the time." She informed him.

He looked around, unsure for a bit, before finally giving in, blaming it on his need to grab a quick smoke, consequences be damned. What's the worst that could happen, he asked himself and received no real answer. As such, it wasn't before long that he mimicked the young woman's action, and grabbed another yellow plastic crate and sat on top of it, not thinking too much about how, for some reason he had placed the crate next to hers and sat beside her. In his mind he made the argument that she was the one who invited him here, so it would be rude to sit anywhere else. By now, he knew a thing or two about social etiquette. Besides, he wasn't sitting really close to her. There was still a proper bit of distance between them. He was maintaining the suitable decorum which needed to be observed between two complete strangers who had found a spot to smoke in peace.

He lit a cigarette. "Thanks."

She held the entire pack of cigarette with one hand, bought the pack close to her mouth, and without using her other hand, popped one of the sticks into her mouth like a pro. "You're welcome."

While he smoked, he looked at the other woman. She was young, in her late teens and were his eyes deceiving him or did she have an uncanny resemblance with Rem-san? But no, she couldn't possibly be her. Rem-san had medium length sky blue hair that covered her right eye and large light blue eyes while this girl had medium length light pink hair that covered her left eye and large darkish red eyes. There were other differences too. This woman wore a leather jacket and had several ear-piercings and most importantly smoked cigarettes. He couldn't imagine Rem-san being a smoker. No, this was a completely different woman, someone who was probably into the whole goth lifestyle and worked at some seedy bar or a tattoo parlour.

But it never hurt to be sure. Besides, he shouldn't pass judgment on her based solely on her appearance.

"Hey miss. Do you work at the -!"

For some reason she had reduced the distance between them by leaning forward and he would have really misunderstood the situation and reacted in an embarrassing manner had he not caught sight of the unlit cigarette trapped between her lips. She probably wanted to light her cigarette, but instead of asking for a lighter like a normal person, she decided to be a bit forward and ask a complete stranger to light her cigarette.

Women these days, he thought, even as he reached for his lighter, didn't they know that it was a rather intimate act to have someone, especially a man, light a woman's cigarette. But he decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"Huh. I thought you would be a bit more flustered." She observed nonchalantly.

See. This is why he didn't give other people the benefit of the doubt.

"I am not easily embarrassed." He lied.

"Okay. Okay. I get it. You are cool…" She waved him off and just when he thought he could smoke in peace, the woman added beneath her breath."…for a creepy virgin high schooler."

Any other day, he would have let it slide, but today was not his day. He blamed it on Isshiki, his club members, the student council meetings and the fact that he missed out on his dose of Rem-san. If he sounded like a bitter old virgin, you couldn't really blame him. "I may be a virgin, but my ears work fine, Miss…?"

The woman actually took her sweet time, before mentioning her name and now that he thought about it, he really couldn't blame her. If she worked at the supermarket, (which seemed more likely, how else could she know about this place, where you can smoke in relative peace) then she might be scared about getting reprimanded by her manager. After all, she had been a bit rude to one of their regular customers.

He decided to put her mind at ease.

"Ah, I'm not gonna complain to your boss." He informed her. "I just wanted to know your name, because I thought it would be a hassle to call you 'Miss'." He gave her a quick once over. "You seem like the type of woman who doesn't like being called a 'Miss' for some reason."

She let out a thick trail of smoke. "I didn't even think you would go to my manager over something so small. What if I report you to the police?"

This time he couldn't help but visibly react. "Wha-! On, what grounds? You invited me here!" He pointed out.

"To smoke. Not to check me out." The woman replied coolly. "Sexual harassment laws do exist in this part of the world. I checked. You should definitely give them a look."

The cigarette almost fell from his mouth as he blushed in embarrassment. "It wasn't sexual! It's just that you look a lot like Rem-san."

For some reason his words seemed to have an effect on her as she turned her head around and looked away. For a while the two of them smoked in silence and he thought she was upset over something. He had no clue about what went on inside someone's head, let alone a young woman around his age or older who instead of going to a high school, worked at a supermarket, so he decided to smoke in silence. But before long, the woman who looked like Rem-san, found her voice again.

"I'm Ram." She introduced herself. "Rem is my younger twin sister."

Ah, so they were related. That explained why they looked so similar. They were family.

"Huh."

"What?" Ram asked.

"Nothing. I just noticed a weird coincidence." He explained further. "Both you and your sister's names are derived from 'left' and 'right'. Or the closest approximation of the English words in Japanese, that is: レフト (refuto) and ライト (raito). It kinda makes sense for you two to be related. Perhaps a bit too much sense." He dismissed the thought as quickly as it had occurred to him. "But like I said, it's just a coincidence."

She blew a thick trail of smoke. "Like how you always queue for the second counter, right?"

"Oh, that's not a coincidence." He admitted. "I like Rem-san."

She huffed. "Well you are not the only one. Rem is really popular. She's cute and has big boobs, but no boyfriend. All she gets are creepy customers who constantly hit on her and don't know how to take a hint. Just because you gave her a pack of snacks, doesn't mean that she's gonna fall for you."

The last bit seemed like a personal attack. But by now the nicotine had mellowed him out. But as he expected, his actions had led to a misunderstanding. And since, Ram was practically family, Rem-san had shared her woes with her. Now he had to remedy the situation and share his side of the story.

"I'm not interested in dating Rem-san. Believe me, I'm highly self-aware about who I am and who I am is a rotten dead fish eyed loner. There's no way Rem-san would be interested in me and even if she was, I would tell her not to waste her youth on a creep like me. But having said that, I like the present status quo. I take comfort in our small interactions. In fact, I look forward to it. But I guess, I took it a step too far." He flicked a bit of ash from his cigarette and looked on forlorn.

Ram sat in silent judgment, pondering, smoking, looking ahead and after a while she let a small smile play across her lips. "Guess I was wrong." She observed quietly. "You are different, Hikigaya-kun."

"Sir!"

It was the next day and he was spacing out thinking about Ram and what she said and that's no good because he was missing out on his balanced dose of Rem-san. Thankfully, everything was back to normal and she was at the second counter, greeting him again with a smile.

"Um, Hikigaya-kun."

Huh. Did Rem-san call out his name? How did she know his name?

"It's printed on the rewards card."

Oh, that explains it.

Huh, that also explained how Ram-san knew his name as well. But did every worker at the supermarket had to remember their customer's name. Seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. They probably remembered the name of the regulars. But he had never met Ram-san in the supermarket before. She probably heard about him from Rem-san. After all, they were twin sisters.

"Thank you for the okaki." Rem-san said. "It was delicious!"

Huh.

Rem-san was talking to him some more?

Was this his lucky day or something?

"Glad you liked it."

"Also," Rem-san was cheerful as ever and the smile on her face took him off guard, so he didn't have time to prepare himself for the fatal blow. He never saw it coming and he had no way to defend himself from her level of cuteness. "Nee-sama told me that you like me, Hikigaya-kun."

Huh.

Was he blushing?

What kinda veteran loner blushed in front of a girl like a teenager? Wait, he was a teenager. So what? He was definitely not being cool. He presumed somewhere out there Ram was having a laugh at his expense. Cheeky little brat. Well, not little and definitely not a brat, but still, he was too old for these kinda things. And it would be better not to cause another misunderstanding and upset the gentle and kind Rem-san.

"I like you. But, it's completely platonic."

"…Platonic, you say?" Rem-san asked.

"Yeah!" He nodded. "Just think of me as your number one fan!"

He immediately cringed at how embarrassing it sounded, when said out loud. He wanted to die, he needed a smoke, where the hell was Ram-san now? He wondered whether it was a one off thing or would she invite him back to the back of the supermarket, where the two of them could enjoy a nice smoke in peace.

Author's Note: Okay. So I know I promised Maria Mikhailovna Kujou, but I decided to go with Ram and Rem instead. Also, I don't want high schoolers to smoke cigarettes. But I can totally see Ram smoking cigarettes. Just picture Ram and Rem being reverse isekai'd to our world and making a living while working at a supermarket and you will get the idea. Oh, and where's Subaru you might ask? Well, he picked Emilia. His loss.

Anyway, so this chapter came about because, I have been posting this fic on AO3 and asking readers for character suggestions. And the characters they suggested are really, really crazy. Like, I don't think Hikigaya and his 108 Loner Skills would be a match for them.

But then I thought, what if instead of Hikigaya matching the girls, I have the girls match Hikigaya. As in, I bring down the girls and their awesomeness down to his rotten loner level. And then I thought, yeah, that would work.

But please, feel free to tell me I am wrong.

Okay, so the list of characters I was suggested in AO3 are as follows:

Poll#1: Which Female Anime Character Should Be Featured Next?

Option 1-Sakura Matou (Fate Stay Night)

Option 2-Rin Tohsaka (Fate Stay Night)

Option 3-Medusa (Fate Stay Night)

Option 4-Shinobu Kocho (Demon Slayer)

Option 5-Mabel Rayviel (Isekai Ojisan)

Option 6-Makima (Chainsaw Man)

Option 7-Violet Evergarden (Violet Evergarden)

Option 8-Yuki Tsukumo (Jujutsu Kaisen)

Option 9-Riko Amanai (Jujutsu Kaisen)

Option 10-Mei Mei (Jujutsu Kaisen)

Option 11-Frieren (Frieren)

Option 12-Shouko Nishimiya (A Silent Voice)

Option 13-Maomao (Apothecary Diaries)

Option 14: [Female Anime Character From The Reviews!]

Please pick accordingly.

Hope everyone enjoyed reading this chapter.

Leave lots and lots of reviews, follow and fave.

Won't betray your dreams.

P.S.: The next chapter is gonna feature a teacher-student relationship. So please suggest your favourite female teacher character in the reviews. But here's a poll just to give you an idea on what to expect -

Poll#2: Which Female Teacher Do You Want To See Paired With Hikigaya In The Next Chapter?

Option 1: Hiratsuka Shizuka - OreGairu

Option 2: Tearju Lunatique - To Love Ru

Option 3: Sakie Satou - Interview with Monster Girls.

Option 4: Chifuyu Orimura - Infinite Stratos.

Option 5: Tsunade - Naruto.

Option 6: Hina Tachibana - Domestic Girlfriend.

Option 7: Irina Jelavic - Assassination Classroom.

Option 8: Mafuyu Kirisu - We Never Learn

Option 9: One of The Female Teachers From - [Why Are You Here Sensei!?]

Option 10: Female Teacher From The Reviews.

Please pick accordingly.

Take care.